My productivity after having kids
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- čas přidán 22. 03. 2023
- Is your life over after you have kids? A lot of people seem to think so. They postpone having kids until they are rich and successful. In this video I explain how I still make time to pursue my ambitions even with three kids.
Here is the Paul Graham article mentioned:
www.paulgraham.com/kids.html
Here is the PEW Research Lab Study:
www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank....
I’m a father of three and lately it feels that most of my life is miserable, and I think it’s mainly for 2 reasons: 1. I did not have a good career or business and now I HAVE to since I’m the breadwinner. So working full time and studying is really super hard, especially for the second reason:
2. We don’t have family support. My wife’s parents are really old and live in Mexico and my parents are battling with certain issues that make them unavailable, and we are living in a completely new city because of the cost-of-living.
I say this, because if you are a parent out there, who feels like you’re trying to run in thick, mud and constantly juggle family time versus working, you’re not the only one, but for me, I am not giving up because neglecting my kids, or moving to a bad environment or not acceptable choices… but MAN it’s hard!!!
Have to push back on this video and some of the comments. Especially parts like “it’s not that hard they just eat sleep and poop”. We literally had the exact opposite experience and the sleep deprivation, got physically dangerous (like dosing off at red lights or other driving scenarios). You don’t get to pick your child’s personality in advance so you don’t really know what you’re signing up for. Also the constant frustration from endless tantrums and arguing over toys and inability to secure consistent childcare during the pandemic lead to even more frustration and occasional resentment. Then of course there’s the family members that begged us to have kids and only provided a fraction of the promised support once they were actually here. You’ll never be fully ready for kids but can absolutely be financially ready. Make sure your finances are really in order AND that you actually know the cost and AVAILABILITY of good child care options where you live in advance (we had quotes as high as $6,200/month for 2 kids for PART TIME care). So many other options either closed down or weren’t accepting more kids during the pandemic. Don’t listen to anyone else because they will not be the ones changing the diapers at 3am or finishing your work for you when the kids have been a distraction all day. And they won’t be the ones stepping up when you’ve tried all the parental hacks (including meditation) but the kids insist on tantrums and meltdowns. Move at your own pace or it can significantly alter your trajectory personally and professionally.
I am in the "having kids helped me get my act together" camp for sure.
Even though this hurts to write, I was somewhat drifting aimlessly before having kids. I had a cozy life, but I was plateauing personally and professionally.
Now, even though I have less time, I am more focused, efficient and I am having an easier time saying no to people.
Also, I should mention that my wife is extremely supportive and an amazing mother.
They've done studies on this that bear out you're reality. Kids and family making men more productive and better focused on growth. It's called responsibility and owning up to it. When you have kids your whole world changes. Unless you're a bad parent. Raising a kid is no small responsibility. All of your time and energy should be focused on the family and taking care of it. Without that you can get comfortable to lower standards since you're only taking care of yourself.
Ambition after children is an interesting topic. I don't think my ambition decreased. If anything I'm more ambitious because I value time more appropriately. I'm much clearer on what I want from life. For me, it's the risk tolerance that dramatically changes once you have kids.
I have 6 kids, so far. I m stay at home it s a decision I made with my partner that I would give up my career until the kids are raised. We homeschool. Partner can focus on their career and currently works 2 jobs. We moved around the world with 4 kids under 6 yo. I get up at 4 am to work out or do creative stuff. When I need a break I take them all to a park. Fresh air is amazing. Don’t use kids as an excuse.
24 years old and kids is not in my mind, I am driven to get my life stable becoming an accountant. I have plans to have kids after 32. Driven to develop myself more and hope its not complicated by that age.
No kids (yet), 28 and married 7 years. This is a fear I've felt too, but I've heard from others that kids make your ambitions die (in a good way). Looking forward to it.
This is....Literally my life...thanks for sharing Jake.
This is so timely...my wife might be pregnant...we've been trying for a few months now. I'm a Senior Data Engineer, working remote. She owns her own Graphic Design company. She may go down to 20-25hrs per week instead of 40 since she has the flexibility. Been wondering what free time may still exist, but at the same time I really want family - more than extra time really.
Congrats man! Your first? Yeah you’ll still have free time. The struggle is finding the energy and focus.
I hope things went well. A lot of work on the front end but it pays off for a lifetime.
This video seems very specific to me, and the advice only helpful to a small group. "Make time" is not helpful--if I could do that, I'd have done it. Work during the work day is impossible and so is finding a new job so I can; that is such an unfair and huge ask. Giving stuff up is what I've been doing since this started, I can't tell how much of a non-life I have for myself. And while I do have a supportive spouse, we're both parenting, and still don't seem to have the unicorn poop secret that others seem to. I think this topic is sorta doomed from the get-go. If a solution exists, it's great that you've found yours, but it isn't going to work for many, if any. Every situation is different, and will have a different solution. Sometimes the solution doesn't exist.
One thing I have noticed is that some people put their jobs on the back burner to the point to where their work suffers. Too many kids or just not delegating well with your spouse is partly the problem. From the inside looking out you may not notice this but everybody who works with you notices.
We waited to have kids and now have one. We decided that one was enough and that in order to do a good job raising him, we didn't want more than one child. I don't know if this is the right answer but it felt right for us.
Also, having one child is a selfish move on our part. I still enjoy my own time and I knew having more children meant having less time. Elon Musk has 10 kids. I doubt he's doing a great job at it. Something has to give somewhere. I think it gives in different areas of your life.
Congrats on the 3rd! We just had our 2nd three months ago. The first month or two are crazy hard with all of the feedings but the sweet spot for us is 3-6 months when they're finally sleeping for longer stretches. The gym thing is so true; during the first couple weeks my kids were born I somehow found 15 mins to bang out a few burpees. My wife and I had a hard time adjusting to all of the new limitations we had after our first (she's 18 months old now) but with the 2nd you're just so much in the zone with it that it's NO FACTOR (as Jocko would say). Also it helped me to think about all of the things I still COULD do in life vs. all of the things that I couldn't (like moving spontaneously to Europe like the girl in your embedded video). It's all about being efficient and communicating with the wife. Happy wife, happy wife.. 100%.
Thanks man! Congrats to you on your second. Yeah it’s always an adjustment adding each new kid. Plus every baby is so different. Some people get more wrecked than others haha. Ours is luckily sleeping pretty well already. But yeah communicating with the spouse is key. You can still get so much done. Just takes more planning and discipline.
@@JakeFerrin I will say from a work standpoint (I also work in tech), I find that I don't care as much about things that used to bother me. It's not that I'm any less ambitious (well, maybe a little), I still want to do a good job, but I'm just less concerned about minor issues at work (ie: office politics, bottlenecks that used to frustrate me, promotions, etc.) Working out early in the morning before the kids wake up has also been clutch. Discipline equals freedom right?!
Im not trying to be rude with this comment, only interested in discussion, but i wonder if your wife also "finds a way to go to the gym everyday?". Im finding things quite confusing as a young woman. Lol i was told i could do anything, can have kids, can have it all. Up until this point in my life i have had it all in the sense that ive been able to work towards whatever i wanted and have achieved many things. For some reason when it comes to kids and taking care of a home, i feel that the woman takes on more of the burden no matter how modern her male partner might be. A career on top of everything else now just seems unrealistic. Id rather be the one that works and earns money tbh except my partner doesnt care to take care of the home and if we were to have kids i can only imagine how crazy our house would get. Lol i dont really think that would be a nice way to live. I guess what im saying is that it seems easier to work, go to the gym, be a good dad, have fun with the kids, than it would be to stay at home with the kids all day and keep the house organized and clean.
Lol I think the only way I will get out of not being a "home maker" forever is to make enough money to pay for a nanny/daycare, a cleaner, maybe even a part time chef and any other people that I need to help out lol. Let me just go and figure out how much money that would require so I can continue going to the gym and being sane 🤣
I'm single with no kids. I got me thinking that I need to learn to manage my time better. I have a remote job as well. When it's not busy, I work on my side hustles.
Do you travel or take vacations?
@@richradtylr4 Nope.
@@singleguysimplelife create a budget for it while you can before youre straped down with babies.
@@richradtylr4 I have more pressing priorities. I plan on staying single for a while.
When you have kids, your life is just beginning.
Completely agree
It's beginning to end.
Wife and I just have one and we've both been WFH while doing childcare ourselves which means we're always busy but rarely have any results from our busy-ness. No relatives live close and no friends who can help. It's been like this for almost 2 years now, I still don't see the light at the end of this busy tunnel
@@RidiculousReviews-ii9kythank you for your honesty
We had our kiddos early and still started two business started a farm and finished college. I think it's all in how you prioritize and create your support circle
I told my family that I wanted to wait until I was making $60K-$80K yearly before having kids and they all told me "it doesn't work like that" and "you'll never be ready" which seems kind of dismissive to me. Is that not a realistic goal to hit first? I'm 25 so it's not like there's a rush order on babies right now. Plus everybody in my family that said that (they all have kids) have household incomes of $100K+ so the numbers still line up to what I'm wanting.
So happy my wife and I chose to have kids! I wanted to be a dad early and not wait for the perfect timing bc it didn’t seem realistic
What age did you have them, I’m 22 and thinking about having them. I have a contractor business and my partner is a registered nurse. I’m scared of it taking my fun life away and delaying my success
@@El_Jefe916 it’s different fun. More rewarding in my opinion. My wife was 25 and I was 23 when we had our first.
Thank you for making this video, it really taps into some thoughts I’ve been having lately about where I’m headed in life. I’m 28, single and wanting to be a father some day and thinking about what I should be focusing on, pursuing a romantic relationship or my cinematography career, and the more info I can gather on what works for people the better.
So glad to hear it. I’m obviously of the opinion you can do a family and a career. I’m probably in the camp of.. getting married and having kids helped me get my act together. I started making more money than ever because I had to and I’m way more disciplined than before. Good luck!
Started dating at 28. Married at 30. Twins at 31.
Had two very close together, I'm glad I waited for 30, idk how I could financially do it if I had them earlier. It'll get better once the crazy daycare costs are over 😂 my wife and I never really talked about it before either, we were ok with having kids, but also fine if we didn't. Definitely done after 2 though.
Thanks for sharing. In my case I work a ton but I chose to work at home and my wife is holding off on her career while we are financially free in the next year. But I also focus my time during my day but I do stop to spend time for my family. Still hard but I think I’m getting better.
congrats Jake! my daughter is almost 1!
Thanks! That’s such a fun age. Enjoy it man!
I am currently overemployed with a baby, daycare was a huge help with this. I am able to give my full attention to each job now and have money to take trips with my family once the week is over
Really like the video. It was a bit of a bummer when you said you do stuff at work and didn't even mention time lost to commuting to work. I work from 6 to 5, five days a week as a sheet metal fabricator. Up at 3:50 to get myself ready, then wake up wife and 2 year old son to get him ready so i can drop him off at daycare before work. 25 minutes of commute to work and then 25 minutes back. I know i need to work in more home remodeling, general cleaning, and hobbies into the nights.... but i already struggle to get in 5 hours of sleep on a good night, so its hard to get everthing done i hope for...
The scheduling and being strategic with your wife is a soild point and one I think we can try to be more proactive about. Thanks for the video. Congrats on your new little one
I respect anyone who has kids and wants to have kids. Unfortunately one relationship ruined my want to ever marry or have a family, so that’s out for me, but I respect anyone with the patience and tenacity to have and sustain a family
Would you be willing to interview your wife and see if she feels she has time for gym, her side hustles and work? Just curious as a woman, if it is this way for women also.
Yeah we might do that at some point. She talks about morning routines and workouts, etc on her IG (audiyoga) and TikTok (audi.ferrin)
Just had our first kid a couple of days ago!
At 2:35 I think it’s technically a “selfish” reason but it’s fine bc she’s self aware enough to think of that.
Billions of us Antinatalists and just plain childfree persons are STILL THRILLED and INCREDIBLY HAPPY that we did not breed and force nonconsenting people into the world to suffer and DIE.
People should know this to make informed decisions: never have kids if you don't have a stable well-paid job; if you don't have tons of money for daycare, nannies, kids' hobbies; if you don't have an extended network of family members who are eager to spend tons of hours babysitting; if you are ready to sacrifice your free time and in fact your whole lifestyle. It is very hard and it is not for everyone. In fact, I would say, it is for a minority of people. Thinks twice. I have a kid and I am searching for a quick suicide method. Don't be like me.
Become Muslim you will get a new network frame work
sorry you feek thsi way man, and im hoping things get better for use, and sending all the positive energy your direction for a better change but all that said, i have to agree that having kids, and the responsibility isn't for everyone...im a fairly selfish and self centered person and although i always treat people right, respectable, and will give the shirt off my back to a stranger, i still prefer my resources to be Mines only, my money to be mines only, my time and energy to be mines only...overall, alot of the men i've come across who actually have small or young children to support either have terrible attitudes, mood swings, or just come off a plain lazy or unmotivated, and i guess this is because alot them just cannot bear to put in so much hard work for their earnings to go into someone else, regardless of whether it's their own children or not..also, if your wife or gf isn't actually who she portrays, you could just end up a victim of the child support system which is in my opinion, one of the worst illegal rackerteering revenue generators in the US by far..so yes, kudos to any man whose motivated by having a family and kids because i could only imagine how depressed i'd be if i'd had to support more than one person in an already unstable economy that's only getting worse day by day..
Having had 3 kids my only problem is ilthat i couldnt be a couch potato and bidge watch CZcams 🤣 what a life that was ......so relaxing 😌😌😌😌
I'm sure your friends would appreciate if you at least stayed in touch through texting!
I guess you put all the work to your wife’s mighty shoulders if you have time for gym. Right or wrong?
I'm 34.... met the love of my life now finally.... i want to have kids, but now that's impossible if we get married because she had a hysterectomy when she was younger from a car accident impaling her....
don't wait.... try. I wish i had tried earlier and tried to get married when I was younger.... I was too chicken crap to take my shots. If you want to have kids.... do it.... don't let money be a reason to have a kid (multiple kids...is different). However, if you do, make a plan to have a way to get more money to support it later. But don't stall your life for your carreer money.... I'm a guy I can still probably have a family with anyone.... but now with a partner..... well.... thank you life.
You two should adopt. It doesn't matter if they're genetically yours or hers, just that you're building a family and life with the woman you love.
There should be a sort of system that allows parents to have some free time while also having children. Maybe have half the free time from before being a parent?
We are expected to also be constantly growing and learning new skills just to keep our IT jobs, and god forbid your personal goals aren't aligned with your current job
Interesting to know
I did a bit of overemployment in the past and now,.. expecting first child soon
Sadly Meta let me go on Friday. Nevertheless, life goes on...
Sorry to hear that. Must be tough with a baby on the way. Having Meta on your resume hopefully gets you a new job pretty quick.
@@JakeFerrin Thanks bud
Summary: Steal from your employers by lying to them about your hours so you can work on your side projects while on the clock. Nice.
This is not great advice to tell someone to have kids if they are not ready financially. You are setting yourself up for pressure and failure. It is important to establish yourself before having kids. I feel like you need to provide them with the best life and you cannot do that if you are not ready.
The fact he didn’t even answer this… You are 100 percent right now a days….So many variables The first being partnering with a compatible,right for you.Person.And yall BETTER have your shit together and be in/on the same page.Even when it’s not “fun”.Biggest job in the world is raising children.
Congratulations! Beautiful baby. Loving the rack of dress up in the back.
Thanks! Yeah our girls are obsessed with dressing up
What’s ur wife CZcams channel
why would anyone say climate change!!!
Your gonna have a stroke dude sleeping 4 hours a night.
Easy to say when you don’t have a real job
ITS A PARADOX😊
Grahm stephen reacted to your video
I saw that lol