What is "gaslighting"? (Glossary of Narcissistic Relationships)
Vložit
- Äas pÅ™idán 2. 06. 2024
- ORDER MY NYT BESTSELLING BOOK 📖 "IT'S NOT YOU"
smarturl.it/not-you
JOIN MY HEALING PROGRAM
doctor-ramani.teachable.com/p...
JOIN THE DR. RAMANI NETWORK
www.drramaninetwork.com
GET INFO ABOUT MY UPCOMING PROGRAM FOR THERAPISTS
forms.gle/1RRUz41eWswjw63o6
SIGN UP FOR MY MAILING LIST
forms.gle/Bv9GNuMSR55PKTjQ6
LISTEN TO MY NEW PODCAST "NAVIGATING NARCISSISM"
Apple Podcasts: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast...
Spotify: open.spotify.com/show/2fUMDuT...
Stitcher: www.stitcher.com/podcast/how-...
iHeart Radio: www.iheart.com/podcast/1119-n...
DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
"I never said that."
"I never said that."
"I never said that."
"I never said that."
"I never said that."
"I never said that."
"I never said that."
"I never said that."
Yep. “I never said that. You’ll have to prove to me that I said that.â€
I never did that.
And, "I wasn't upset"🤣
💜
Crazy thing: he said "But you said xyz" and then I was saying "No, I never said that. I said abc"... now I´m thinking if I was gaslighting him... but i´m really sure I didn´t say those things.
'Do not share your vulnerabilities with them, they will weaponise them and use them against you' 😲 EXACTLY 👌
I made the mistake of saying I saw a doctor for memory issues. Now my memory "can't be trusted".
I had a gut feeling I shouldn’t but I thought if they had empathy they would respect my boundaries but Nope.
Hey, I ‘m looking for people that can relate enduring this kind of relationships to talk a little and support each other.
I would love to get in contact with people in this group… maybe we could find each other on social media?
Truer words were never spoken.
That’s exactly right
It’s not only when a person dismisses your reality and emotions it’s also usually projection. The things they accuse you of tend to be the things they are the one ACTUALLY doing to you.
Right. Its like if a narcissist said or did something ( in reality), but then when the other person mentions it, the narcissist says, "You're imagining things", "I never said that, what are you talking about", "You're putting words in my mouth", etc.
Yes, yes, and yes. I have been with my abuser for 11 years. This is one of his tactics. He will describe himself exactly and claim that is how I am. It's mind boggling.
"Getting offended is your choice."
"I know you, and I know what you really meant when you said such and such"
"It's like you are only happy when we're fighting."
"I should be able to say whatever I want to say to you. Getting offended is your problem."
"I know you would feel so much better about yourself if you gained some weight (I am very skinny)"
@@coreyanderson7424 Yes, precisely. My ex, whom I still live with, can engage in very toxic behaviours towards me sometimes, including gaslighting. The double standards she holds for herself versus me never fail to shock me. E.g., she's allowed to tell me I should only answer yes/no when she asks me a yes/no question--but since I asked her to do the same last month with a yes/no question I asked that she kept deflecting rather than answer directly, she's been angry with me and multiple times implied it's my fault that she told me, yes, I should expect her to say cruel, character attacking things about me (and sometimes my family) when she's upset with me.
It's like she doesn't realize she could have decided in that moment to dedicate herself to no longer saying cruel things to me no matter her mood, and thus been able to honestly say no. Instead, it's my fault when I "start a conversation" when she just wanted me to say yes/no (not that she told me up front I could only answer yes/no, of course), and it's also my fault when I hold her to the same standard and she honestly tells me that I should expect her to keep treating me cruelly.
Toxic people are so confusing. I'm sorry you struggle in a relationship with someone like that too.
Absolutely. My ex narcissist accused me of doing the things he had done wrongly (which was the way I knew that he was conscious of the wrong he did). I wasn't so young when I married him, and maybe that's why I was never really confused the way that Dr. R. describes here, but I had a permanent sense of injustice. I thought the reason was that he was selfish and didn't want to take responsibility for his own faults, but now I see it was that and worse.
I bring up something he has done that hurts me. His response is “How could you actually think that I would do that. You have hurt me deeply.â€
The blame shitfting
Heard that many times. All over sudden he is the one who's hurting and deeply insulted.."
That’s my mom. Always has been. Spot on.
Exactly!
My experience aswell.
Emotional abuse awareness should be thought in schools x
By emotionally stunted teachers?
I'm trying to figure out how to teach my step son about it. I find that its really hard.
Indeed it should
Absolutely agree with you.
It really should
""I was joking" after an attack then "you're too sensitive"
Yep!yep!
Yeah these are the two biggest!!!
It's such a cliche thing to say after hurting someone that you'd think they wouldn't say it, and yet they still do.
@@Sherirose1MDJOYNAL
That a classical one ! 😞
I think you can add to the gaslighting test: when you start feeling like you need to ask other people involved whether something really happened or to remind you how it happened or what they remember about who said what... it's a definite sign that someone is driving you crazy
When you feel like you have to carry around a recording device to keep the facts straight and have a definite record of what was said and done, it's a very good sign that it's time to let that person go
“Oh here we go again†every time I ask to talk about what I didn’t like
My favorite: “what are you even TALKING about?†Feigning confusion.
Oh yes this 💯💯
I can't tell you how many times I have heard that exact response. Thank you for writing that. It is so nice to not feel alone.
Omg yes
I can't even tell if they're confused or not.
Every. Day.
"You must be on drugs because your mind seems to be altered."
"I wasn't criticizing you."
"You need to change your attitude/way of thinking."
"You're being selfish."
"I never said that."
"It's not that bad."
"You have no right to complain."
"I think you're depressed. You need professional help."
"I was just trying to encourage you to do the right thing."
"Get over it."
"Well, I've never had that happen to me."
"Are you on your period?"
🤬
Well, my ex was depressed and needed professional help because he would act like he didn't have depression even though it was affecting him (and his job) a lot. Even his boss was telling him he needed to go because he was missing so many days of work. I guess it can be gaslighting to tell someone they need help, but if someone has depression and they aren't getting help, telling them to get help doesn't sound like gaslighting. Especially if it's affecting their lives and everyone around them in a bad way.
@@BooDotBoo In my case she would tell me I needed professional help if I tried to call her out on her behavior.
Oh, and same thing for "Are you on your period?" When I got annoyed with something she said or did she would say "Why are you being so irritable? Are you on your period?" which made me wonder if I was in the wrong for being annoyed.
Nina C - Bingo!
Oh, that long list of deflective phrases or as I call it "Cards Against Humanity".
Live Action Edition*
My favorite " youre getting defensive " when you're just correcting something that is factually not true.
“I don’t know what your talking aboutâ€
“Your overthinking these thingsâ€
“That would never happenâ€
Like, "You're too sensitive," I get "You think too much."
UTexas Bingo
Omg I was told the same thing. "You're too emotional " "You overthink "
My dad used to sing me a song “you talk too much†I’m not sure if it was from him or my mom; I can’t tell while he’s still around her.
Stop being so sensitive.
UTexas Girl Do you know my covert narcissistic mother? Those are just a few of her favourite words.
I always got, "we've already talked about this"
When we NEVER talked about it.
Oh god. The flashbacks.
“You’re overreacting†is another classic. As is “you’re being dramaticâ€. I just briefly dated a highly narcissistic guy who used both. It wasn’t long at all before I beat a hasty retreat, and I was able to due this in no small part because of the education I’ve received from you, Dr Ramani. Thank you!
I've heard that one! Its like, the narcissist may even have done something truly horrible, and when the other person says anything about it at all, the narcissist says, "You're overreacting" . When really, they may be lucky that the person is reacting as nicely as they are!
My narcissist loves to say, "I don't make you feel that way. You make you feel that way." It's almost a running mantra in my head now. I hear it so often.
Lmao, I heard the exact same sentence!
Other gaslighting phrases:
That's not what I said
You must've misunderstood what I said.
That's not what I meant at all.
Yep!! I've heard those before!!!
Or I would not say that
You always get me wrong!
you problematize everything...
OMG SHE ALWAYS SAID THESE. Then I would repeat her exact words back to her and she would just start crying or screaming and run out of the room. Then I can hear her sobbing and throwing shit all around in her room.
I heard this one a lot “You know what your problem is? Let me tell you what your problem is.†Finally figured out what my problem was, HIM!
😂
Right!!🤣🤣🤣
LOL😀😀
Dee Brinson i vividly remember an adolescent moment when i tried to tell my parents i had some problem (had to be big cuz i never brought them my problems!), & my dad exploded: “YOu dont know what problems ARE!†(“I have PROBLeMs, YOU dontâ€)
18:48 ---- the gas light test. OMG. I have done this. To show the narcissist some mean cruel stuff they said. The narcissist has told me repeatedly don't show them any past text messages at all. The narcissist (the one I am dealing with at least) has a tendency to forget things oh so conveniently.I had decided to save the stuff and show them it. Ohhhhh they hate that when I pull up that stuff. Yet they do it to me all the time showing me old text.
It's the "everyone else has had it so much harder than you" that hurts the most.
“Stop being a victim†“you just always have to be the victim†“you love to play victim†oh boy yup. I heard this every time I caught my narc cheating on me. Me having an issue with infidelity was me just being a victims
Wow, I'm sorry.
“You just Like to fight.â€
“You ruined the relationship.â€
“You’re never happy.â€
“You don’t know how good you have it.â€
“No one us going to tolerate you.â€
You don’t know how good you have it…. Been hearing that one a fair bit lately. Starting to open my eyes to the truth in the situation.
My mom told me, many times, “nobody will ever love you†I am 42 and I am still believing this, on and off, after 22 years in terapi.
My ex during our divorce went on the stand and said, "She loves to be miserable". I almost laughed out loud. He exposed his damn self with saying that to the judge
Just heard this...
You just like to fight! YEEESSSS!!!!!! The ultimate gaslight.
Or when you show honest emotion, you are told you are being “hysterical.â€.
Mary Holton Or "too sensitive"
"Why the f are you crying? There is nothing for you to cry about. Look at you, I can't even watch this right now. Talk to me when you are no longer an emotional cry baby."
Amen...The you’re “crazyâ€, or the all too common “too sensitive†shaming that always happens when you express a simple truth or honest emotion.
That's a classic one for Females. Hysteria now Bipolar. Because human emotions, bad. Conversation, bad. Coping skills to cognitive behavioral therapy, bad.
Pills, good. More profitable. Yes, we have heard this line to justify horrific acts against others even now.
exactly
But then you don't show any emotion and your "acting superior"
These pathetic little children are impossible to deal with.
My favoutite: "I don't like having arguments." (told by the narcissistic one, who atually is being driven by arguments)
Thanks to Dr. Ramani, I found the strength to leave a toxic friendship. Gaslighting things she would say to me is:
"Feelings aren't facts"
"You need to talk to your therapist"
"If you want to remain hurt, that's up to you"
And my personal favorite:
"I didn't hit you. You got in the way of a hand gesture"
God bless you, Dr Ramani, for these videos. ðŸ™
"Have you talked to your therepist" was the montra after my son died last year, just two months- narc friends were already tired of my gut wrenching grief- did talk to my therepist and let go of narc's-wise decision, thanks Dr.Ramani-this needs to be taught in schools at an early age, appropriately.
"it's all in your head"
"i didn't mean that, i'm bad with words"
"you need a therapist"
"I'm bad with words, you know that" was his fav escape clause
You get into therapy, and they get upset because 'those people just get into your head!'
Omg!!! I was told all of these
Oh yeah the "im sorry Im bad with words" while crying
oouf... the bad with words one... wouldnt have even seen that as gaslighting,, get that one a lot
"I'm NOT angry" he said angrily...
Classic🙄.
"Im not mad , only dogs get mad"
“ i’m not mad, i’m frustratedâ€
I'M NOT ANGRY! (HE SHOUTS ANGRILY)....really messes with your mind.
You know it's all your fault if he is angry.
@@betsyd593 omg, my mom once got up in my face and screamed: "I'M NOT SHOUTING, YOU'RE SHOUTING!"
I heard “That never happened†like 1 million times in the last 10 years from my daughters father. The abuse was real yall 🤦ðŸ½â€â™€ï¸
I literally thought I was going crazy with my narcissist. I couldn't understand what was happening. Thank you Dr. Ramani from the bottom of my heart. 💜 My feelings are finally validated.
It can be taught in Family Life Education, which is an optional program in our elementary schools here. Only problem is, a narcissistic parent would probably opt their kids out of the program.☹ï¸. I also think they should be taught about the 12 steps, which really helped me in AlAnon, when dealing with my late husband’s narcissism and gaslighting.
The way I learned about NPD, gaslighting, emotional abuse, and the like was because many years ago with my child's father I literally googled "what do I feel like I am going crazy and losing my mind"
“You’re twisting my wordsâ€
“I never did anythingâ€
“Why can’t you move onâ€
“I don’t want to talk about this anymoreâ€
“I never cheated on youâ€
How about this one: “I never lie….â€
I've both been told that I'm a terrible liar and that I'm a master manipulator. Depends on the situation I guess.
@@ThePhant0m100 same lmao. I'm either too emotional and irrational, or a cold manipulative mastermind. I guess it depends on which one benefits them the most at the time 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
@@TONY120923 "... I just exaggerated."
Yes, the "I don't want to talk about this anymore" after THEY started a whole mean and accusatory conversation that you are trying to clear up and you start making your points and can see they are getting it! Suddenly they don't want to talk anymore. No, you don't get to come in here and start something and then not give me a chance to respond! Of course at that point it's useless.
And the number one has to be, “ you always read too much into thingsâ€
Yes! also " why do you think everybody is always thinking about you"...
Even when all the evidence points to an affair.....
🙌 mine did this too
You think too much!! 😵
YES!!! get those exact words all the time
"I don't want to talk about this anymore" is the most infuriating thing she says after she starts things. Usually my narc mom will insult me or say something cruel out of no where, I'll be upset then when I bring it up its "you're frustrating me, go away"
Hear this my mum told me I looked disgusting before I went for a job interview and made me not go to it instead I walked out and stayed at a friends place. So karma bit her in the back and now if she wants my opinion I say she looks disgusting see how she feels
Yeah, I got that a lot until I hammered back "the reason why you don't want to talk about things is because I always show you how wrong you are"
Thank you for this,
I was gas lighted in my first marriage and she cheated on me on and off for 21yrs. My kids don’t talk to me and basically one son told me he wishes I was dead at my daughters wedding as I was going to see my daughter in her dress for the first time. My older son told me to f- off and never wants to see me.
All this sounds like I must have done something wrong. I carry that guilt with me always. The truth is my father died when I was 15. I married my narc wife as she was pregnant at 18. By the time I had 4 kids I was 30. Not educated and work two jobs at time to pay the bills. I always made sure in my hart that they were in a safe environment. We prosperd ok. Through all this my x was having affairs how this was my fault I will never know but I do carry this guilt. Thanks for reading this. It helps to open up. It is through these videos that I’m still alive.
Thanks
Narcs be like - Dr.Raamani has some psychological issues
😂😂😂😂
Actually my wife was subscribed to Dr. Ramani. She majored in Psychology. I experienced subtle increases throughout our marriage of being turned into trying to make me believe I was a abusive Narcissist. I don't think I was suppose to find out about the multiple affairs she was having. So I do believe her plan was to make it look like I was abusive and she needed to get out and just go through divorce so she could be with the new supply. But I caught her cheating. Then she increased it 110%. She acted like she wanted to make it work but all that truly happened was she started blaming me for being the reason it wasn't working. Got our marriage counselor to agree I was a emotional abuser. Then she started saying I was a narcissist that had been controlling her throughout the entire marriage. If I brought up something she said or did she would sometimes reply "I am not going to let you gaslight me".
She would look up stuff about narcissists and would have Dr. Ramani videos playing about narcissists when I would walk in (which is how I have ended up watching these because while watching them with my wife I thought "Wait that's not me". She would give me this look like she was studying about me and then she would turn it to something else real quick like she didn't want me to know she was on to me. Then she told me I needed therapy. I agreed but she didn't know I did it not because of the reasons she said but because I started seeing this other side of her that was 180 and needed a professional. She started turning everything I did into something awful. If I stayed calm she accused me of being mean and cold and hurting her and not trying. If I tried to show any affection she would put me down and say I was being mean and not letting her heal (literally would tell her I loved her and she go off on me about how she couldn't take hearing me say that because I was just trying to manipulate her feelings). Her final tactic was getting me upset then calling the police and having me arrested by lying saying I shoved her (I put my hands on her shoulders and asked her to please listen because she got up and shoved me out of the way to walk off then when I stopped her she threw herself on the couch and yelled at me not to shove her) when I got back it got worse. I couldn't be quiet because I got accused of abuse and I couldn't say anything because it got turned into being harassment or emotional abuse. Then I found out something awful she had done and when I brought it up and said I was leaving she started playing up like I was going to hurt her and called the police again and had me arrested again by saying I shoved her (didn't lay a hand on her this time). Now I have filed for divorce. I kept up with therapy. My therapist finally said "I think you have been going through what we call gaslighting". And watching Dr. Ramani has made it clear who was the real Narcissist. But I will say it's scarier when your Narc knows these things and how to make you feel you are the horrible abuser in the relationship. I have had to really take a deep look just to reassure myself how she made me out wasn't true. Sure enough they will take a small incident and project it as something you did every day or week.
@@zacharykassner9002 i really feel sorry for you brother. I have also experienced some narc people in my life. Sadly the world is full of them.
@@zacharykassner9002 i have been following dr ramani for a while now and this thought struck my mind is that dr ramani's videos are empowering the narcs too. Narcs are getting more tactful. Looks like my assumption was correct in your case.
@@jimjung172 She use to always tell me she thought she was bipolar and I didn't really see it and looking back it almost seemed to be used as a tactic to get out of certain conversations. Later after I found out about the affairs she agreed to therapy herself where she was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. A lot more of her actual actions became clearer to me after that but there was still something off and again she used it and depression as an excuse to shut me out if I had any questions about the affairs or tried to just work on being in a healthy relationship with her. Watching Dr. Ramani has helped me a lot as now I see the pattern of a covert narcissist. The real wake up that there was more to her came the last few weeks where she started showing a completely different side of herself. She brought up how she cared about me but didn't feel she loved me anymore but thought she wanted to but then would say she just couldn't handle being around me anymore. I told her I understood and that having multiple affairs probably would make her feel that way but if we worked on it she may get that back. She got mad and said "No, I am able to separate the affairs from you and the affairs had no effect on my emotions. You did. You were the problem in our marriage not the affairs. I can separate them so why can't you do that and just get over it!". From what I had researched on BPD they still have some empathy usually and feel bad when cheating but she had no care in the world that she had cheated and it always got turned around on me.
@@zacharykassner9002 looks like she is very toxic
Here's a good one: You make everything about you
Yes I do remember that one.
BEabove Leadership yes, he told me “you are self absorbed†when I checked on him why you didn’t sleep? Lol
Or, it’s not always all about you lol same thing different wording. It’s meant to make you feel bad for even considering your own thoughts, feelings, wants, needs and life
Or, not everything is about you.
Also, the world doesn't revolve around you
When in truth I never can take credit for the good things only the bad things that happen bc I've been programmed that way.
A sinister aspect of gaslighting, is that it’s not only performed by the manipulator. Sometimes they’ll just sit and watch you gaslight yourself. With excuses, with toxic positivity, people will talk themselves into ignoring the obvious. Happened to me too. I would have ran earlier and with a minimal cost but I,too, started the “oh, she can’t have meant that†“oh, maybe it’s because she’s in this situation “...I mean not that she wasn’t gaslighting me, but I know of cases when I just did that to myselfâ€. People who will gaslight themselves are easier to manipulate, they will stay longer...It was actually one of my main questions afterwards. Whether I was a codependent, how and why i missed the red flags and how easily i started this self gaslighting process.
"We all have to walk on eggshells around you" (said by my father once I finally react after being provoked by him over and over and over again)
"Stop talking about it and just get over it, geez"!
OMG I JUST HEARD THIS 💀💀💀
"I don't remember that, but if I did I'm sorry".
"Oh, don't be ridiculous!" is a good one to include
The last argument I had with my narcissistic family member (who thinks they are an empath) they called me a "pathetic little princess with a martyrdom complex" and that I should "stop going to therapy worrying over my pathetic little problems because my problems from my childhood are NOTHING" like what they grew up with. So I should "stop crying over my petty problems and strap on a pair, pull myself up by my bootstraps and move on with my life."
And then three weeks later they ask me for money. Sorry. Can't afford to help out this time.
Gaslighting immediately makes my gut/nervous system go crazy. I once dated someone who gaslighted me and he made me have a nervous breakdown... I actually couldn’t let go because I wanted to prove to him what he was doing.... my advice... please don’t bother, just realise they won’t change, get out, walk away and block.
Yesssss. True
you can't reason with these LUNATICS....
they are ALWAYS RIGHT....
PROVING this and EXPLAINING that - is just FEEDING THEM your ENERGY....
CUT THEM OFF/GET OUT/DISAPPEAR/BREAK THE CHAIN.....
Gaslighting response I heard when I tried to call him out on a behavior : “What did I do now?â€
Oh yes, I know that!
Classic line!!!!!
@@moonchild66 yes!!!
Oh, I know that.. And: I am doing EVERYTHING WRONG.. they play the victim instantly
@@TheRealJohnHooper exactly!
Omg , I’ve heard all from my husband, it’s so hard to live with a narcissist I’m going to play your video till I fully understand what I’m dealing with because I’m stuck here can’t go on my own financially, , 55 years of marriage ,and nothing has changed . This emotional abuse is total exhausting , sometimes I’m ok to ignore it but many take my joy away.
32 years and financially dependent too but I’ve been secretly saving money for the last few years and growing my self-confidence to make my exit
Same
"You're heavy" You're not nice" "Too much drama"
Wow, awesome video!
After 57 years, I was one of people that said “what’s gaslighting?â€
Saved my sanity. This should be taught in high school.
me too!
" ... in a few minutes, 30 years of confusion suddenly makes sense ... " OMG, that's exactly what happened.
I’m having that moment right now. Just turned 31. She is speaking my life in the video right now.
It's like your bestie punches you in the face and you thank her🤣
I figured it out a month ago. My husband didn't talk to me for a month. And then called me from work and said he's coming to get his $%it and leaving me and hung up. It was a month ago and that is it. I feel better already. Do things that make you feel like you. I am painting and hanging out with my family and friends. Which doesn't include anyone who would talk to him. It will be ok. God bless you all and protect you and give you peace in Jesus name Amen 💚
@@skymeadow7762 And you also apologize profusely and try to make it up to her for the remainder of the relationship for hurting her fist with your face.
@@iamasoldierofgodkingofking1244 Amen Soldier, thank you so much, wishing you Love a hundred foldðŸ™ðŸ’–
Here's another one from my childhood: "I'm not criticizing you, I'm just talking. Why do you always have to take it the wrong way?"
its like they never want to talk responsibility in any situation, blaming 100% on their kid
this one was his favorite
Oh! I have heard it literally every single time my father abused me for as long as I can remember.
Hey, I ‘m looking for people that can relate enduring this kind of relationships to talk a little and support each other.
I would love to get in contact with people in this group… maybe we could find each other on social media? I am Rania Zoidi on facebook
Wow! My mom always uses this one on me whenever I call her out on trying to control me or tell her I have the right to make a decision about something in my personal life. She then tells me I'm trying to start an argument and quickly shuts down whatever I was saying.
My mother has made a relationship of denying absolutely everything that I experienced in some way/shape or form. If she admitted to an event having happened she would always change when it happened... She used all of those phrases and my personal favourite "get therapy and get over it" (punctuated by a merry laugh) whenever I did/reacted to something in a way she didn't like.
When I was in my early 20s her raging got really bad. She would call me and just launch into me accusing me of stealing things and/or saying or doing things that just weren't possible for me to have done. Once my bf answered his cell while we were grocery shopping and she started screaming at me. My bf shrugged and walked away, but an old lady who heard her screaming coming out of the phone (it wasn't on speaker, she was just so amped up) came up to me, patted me on the shoulder, looked me in the eye and said "hang up dear, you don't deserve to be treated like that". It was the first time anyone ever acknowledged that my mother's behaviour was causing me pain. I hung up. It was glorious even though she tried to make me pay for it later.
Of course, my mother would always deny having yelled at me or saying anything untrue... So I started recording her. Once when she denied yelling or saying X I played back the recording from the previous day - she accused me of editing the tape to make her look bad and that I was a sick, pathetic loser who was a poor excuse of a person. At that point I started the process of stopping engaging with her. Now we have a superficially pleasant 'relationship' that involves her talking at length about herself and not realising I haven't told her more than the bare minimum about my life in more than a decade. It keeps the peace inside of the family, but part of me just wishes id cut her off completely.
I’m so sorry this happened to you and I’m so glad you were able to disengage with her. I’ve been estranged from my father for almost 20 years now, and haven’t doubted that decision for a single day. Thank you for sharing your story and reminding others that we don’t owe someone our love and time just because we share blood.
An adult child gaslighting a parent is just as bad as the reverse. The threat of never seeing grandchildren has silenced me. My silence hasn’t helped me to see my grandchildren. I’m heartbroken and lost in what to do. Thank you for your CZcamss
"Whatever."
"I'm sorry you see it that way."
Omg yes 100 percent
Omg! Whatever is the most dismissive thing to have heard. It is such a huge minimisation.
Totally invalidating. This is exactly what happened to me with my last ex. We were living together and she flipped out out of nowhere over a box of cereal went totally berserk, running around house yelling, in and out of rooms talking to herself. I gave her space and went in a different room bc i never saw her act like that but i noticed that she was packing some things up in room i went to so i went back over to her and put arm around her and she yelled, dont!, flipped out again and just took off and left house. Havent seen her since or so much as a phone call, just random txts. Found out where went a week later, to stay with a guy she had been talking to (which she minimized during relationship, even saying "if you tell me to stop talking to him then im going to keep doing it just out of spite"). I of course became upset when i found out and she said "I'm sorry you see it that way and think that way, i was going to come back but now that u pulled that shit im not going to". Later when i explained why i became upset that she left to stay with another guy she said "whatever" and those were last thing 2 things she said to me. She was living here and most of her belongings are still here and that was 5 weeks ago. The day before she moved out she was telling me how i was her person and the one.
I never liked a "wharever", response. It seemed like they didn't give a rat's a**.
@@neowise3480 Yep. Completely dismissive.
Dr. Ramani the classic: “I never said that! Do not put words in my mouth that I never said!!!!â€
this is legit.
Ohhh yeeesss
how dare you put words in my mouth
My favorite one is "That's what you get for snooping. "
LOL!! All I could do was laugh and contort my face at him...saying "Huh???" In a nonverbal way.
Thank goodness I walked away from that entire situation. 🎉🎉🎉
I was told last night 'I'm sorry things haven't turned out the way YOU dreamed' - this was tried be be passed off as an apology
“I didn’t say that. You’re delusional “
Reign I got the “I didn’t say that†from my mother a lot
Reign gives me chills-exactly what my brother said to me when i tried to tell him i had some expertise to share to help with our dementia-sticken mom, from several years on a job he just denied i had! 🙄
“Nothing happened; get over it†“You can’t move on†“You can’t move forward†“That doesn’t happen†“It wasn’t like thatâ€
When you perfectly saw
You heard
Or you felt.
Felt that!
I got the "It was just a kiss, it didn't mean anything" "We didn't make out it was just a kiss, I wouldn't have dated you three weeks ago"
18:48 ---- the gas light test. OMG. I have done this. To show the narcissist some mean cruel stuff they said. The narcissist has told me repeatedly don't show them any past text messages at all. The narcissist (the one I am dealing with at least) has a tendency to forget things oh so conveniently.I had decided to save the stuff and show them it. Ohhhhh they hate that when I pull up that stuff. Yet they do it to me all the time showing me old text.
"You're always trying to start a fight!" "Why are you always so angry?"
Omg! Doc! I finally after many years of not saying anything decided to confront the narcissist in my life, in hopes to restore some sort of balance in our relationship.
HUGE MISTAKE!! (Like you mentioned) I had no clue that was a common mistake.
It backfired on me big time!
They denied nearly everything, blamed me, said it didn't happen like that or at all and they could not see my perspective AT ALL!!(amongst other tactics)
It got to a point where I thought to myself.. "come on now, I know for a fact they are very abusive and all of this happened." I just was never allowed to say anything or talk back, growing up. I thought it would be a good idea to clear the air, thinking it would restore our relationship. My heart was in the right place.
Ultimately now that I'm older and wiser I was able to see & trust my judgments over theirs.
Theirs made no sense and were distorted. They disputed every little thing I said. I wasn't allowed to even have my own feelings lol
It got to the point were I said.." Stop telling me I'm not feeling that way." "You're going to tell me how I feel!?" Lol
They will never compromise and budge, It would be way too painful to face the truth and admit that they are wrong (at this point)
The EGO omg!!! It's unbelievable that's all I'm going to say about that!
Your Ego is not your Amigo! as they say!
I lost hope for them at this point, they will never change bc they don't want to. Denial denial denial.
Fist step is admitting theres a problem! Right!
I know about all the slander and gossip too yet they denied that also and said .."I just make assumptions."👀
How much of a fool do they think I am!
I didn't fall for it this time, I trusted myself and my judgment.
I gained alot of awareness because I have been educating myself and doing the inner "healing" work for quite sometime now ( out of their enviorment)
Often times they don't even know they are a narcissist or what gaslighting or emotional abuse is or entails..some don't even know what boundaries are!
So It's up to us to "stay woke" as they say! Educated & Aware.
I am thankful for my awareness and growthðŸ™
The tactics are not working anymore and I think they know they lost that grip over me..the control.
Three recent years of Therapy and wonderful You-Tube video's like yours certainly helped to promote the awarness & growth.
Great video Doc! I highly Resonated with nearly everything you said, it's all happened to me.
I think they want to own us. Sorry, lol this life is mine. I'm Putting me first and NOT feeling guilty about it!
Anyone out there dealing with this in their life please continue to stay strong, educate yourself, read about or watch more video's (from qualified Doctors) on narcissism, emotional abuse, narrisistic abuse recovery, gaslighting, BOUNDAIRES, etc.
Seek a councilor/ therapist if you can, you will gain alot of awarness and insight! practice self-love, surround yourself with postive vibes/friends that support & respect you. Use discernment.
Don't be afraid to remove/weed out or put up stronger boundaries with toxic people or whatever's causing you pain in your life.
It's a journey! A jealing journey.ðŸ™
God bless!✨
Thank you. I'm discovering my abuse now. Watching and listening info about narcissism for past 4 weeks. It is eye opening stuff.
"oh, you took it that way? I didn't mean it that way" and proceeds to look bewildered and act like an angel around everyone else
That would be beyond annoying ! I've heard a n say to his partner after a rude belittling comment "I was joking, you have no sense if humor. Geez can't you understand a joke ? " Aaaarrrggg 😨 !
Yep “oh YOU took it the wrong way.. YOU took it out of context†.... yeah bollocks!!!!
Me: seeing something clearly with my own eyes. "I just saw that."
Gaslighter: "no you didn't."
+I used to say - you'd argue it wasnt you if you were clearly captured on video doing it
Or: “saw what?â€
@@kelley2270 they'll deny and lie even even you have the evidence.
Who are you going to believe - me or your own eyes?
Or, Just straight up ignoring
My mom says, "You are always crying, or "I spoiled you and your brother you have no reason to act like this"
“There’s no reason you should be cryingâ€
Gaslighting is how they’re able to prolong the abuse, because it buys them time until you figure it out. It takes a while to spot this pattern for most
13 years here...to 'figure it out'🤦
@@reachingcoldmountainbeforeyou 20 years here💀
@@lakendramontgomery5826 you're NOT crazy or unlovable!
@@reachingcoldmountainbeforeyou Thank you. That's something that we all need to hear after living such a life of constant terror.
17 years.. 😢
This is the most articulate video about gaslighting I have ever seen.
Dr. Ramani is out here in the trenches, tending to our wounds and stocking us with artillery!!!
growing up I remember doubting myself because I trusted my family 100%. Why would they lie? That was the biggest hurdle I had to overcome.
"You are lying."
"You are faking your emotions to get attention."
"Stop pretending you have feelings"
"You're only hurting yourself, I am not responsible for your feelings."
"You will never be happy."
"Everything always has to go YOUR way."
"I'm worried about you."
"It's not always about you."
"I'm worried about you." Just when I thought I was the only one who hears that manipulative lie. I am so glad I ran across this channel.
You are always imposing
Every one of these was said to me. When my husband said "It's not always about you" I looked at him and said "No, but sometimes it is". He never used that line again.
@@alexandria321 yes omg I never should’ve told my bf I went to therapy now everything is a symptom of my anxiety
I've not experienced gaslighting personally but how is "Im worried about you" gaslighting?
"I am sorry you choose to make yourself feel that way"
OMG. I heard THAT one a lot in 2018 and 2019. I felt like "this is helping someone? What? Was that comment mean? It sounded a little off" .
Wow. I never knew saying "I think you are mentally I'll. Get some help" is gaslighting. I heard others say that many times...and not just to me. That line is thrown around like water balloons at a birthday party in July! Everyone seems to love call the mental illness card.
Not sure why.
The women in my life have mastered this...
Examples of gaslighting combined with escalating abuse - "That didn't hurt you." "I didn't do that. You must have bumped into something." "Here's what really happened... Don't you remember?" "You're so stressed out all the time. Maybe you should get help." "I would never say that!" "I would never do that!" "I don't know what happened just now." "It was an accident." "I didn't mean to do that." "You're overreacting." "I'll tell you when you should be worried." "You're afraid of me?!" "Wow. Where did you come up with that?" "It's not a big deal!" "I said I was sorry. God, why can't you just let it go?" Gaslighting can be worse than annoying or confusing. It can be dangerous. It can be an attempt to keep you under control and in place so that the malignant narcissist has a convenient target. A malignant narcissist's narcissistic supply is your fear and their own control of you. They get off on it. It makes them feel powerful.
Yup! I got a few of these. “I wouldn’t not say that, it was a problem for us in the pastâ€. “I didn’t cheat but I respect your belief on itâ€. “ I didn’t mean it like that, I used the wrong wordâ€. “Don’t you think you’re more sensitive then most people?â€.†I’m sorry if that’s how it sounded/seemed/came outâ€. “This is just how I am. It’s how it is for right nowâ€. “It’s your life, you’re not happy. you can do what you wantâ€. When I was telling him he’s hurting me.
Gaslighting is one of the most annoying things. You can have the narc dead to rights and they try to spin it and they project like crazy.
Allan Powell 2 Bear Slayer Yep! ðŸ‘
Narcissists always project their insecurities onto others, even when that person they’re projecting on has never displayed that kind of behavior.
@@hindsightpov4218 Very true, If you want to check out a nice case study, Look for clips of a guy named Owen Benjamin. He's been one of the more fascinating cases I've come across.
Allan Powell 2
Thanks. I’ll check it out.
Catch em lying? Well it's your fault they lied because they knew how you would react because they know you better than you know yourself. So they really only had your best interests at heart.
My dad told me to park my car a specific way and to aim the front of it so it was lined up with his neighbors garden across the street. Next day he tells me that I didn’t listen or follow his directions. That it was suppose to be faced towards the other neighbors house. So for no reason made me redo it to barely make a difference in where it was parked. I smiled and re-parked it. Then I rolled down the window and enthusiastically asked if it was perfect now. Normally it wouldn’t be me smiling. It was a childhood filled with fear, anxiety, and shame for being the disappointment for my family. My whole childhood I was completely terrified to even fail. I existed as only ptsd and chronic anxiety. Everyday my thoughts were used as a way to avoid all opportunity’s. The thought of trying something new in front of anyone was mentally crippling. I was scared that everyone would bully me more if I was exposed as stupid and see the imbalance my mother said was in my brain. This planet is insane.
I constantly get after telling him how I feel that " well thats just wrong or you shouldn't feel that way "!!
My mothers favorite gaslighting line is "I never said such a thing" " oh your ridiculous " "I think you need to go get help" and the classic of many Narcs " Your so sensitive " Dr.Ramani I absolutely love your videos. I 'm 34 years old and recently discovered my mother is A Narssist/ sociopath. God bless people like you who are educated on a very, not talked enough about,tricky subject! THANK YOUðŸ™
Me too
Same. But she always says horrible things only to me, when there are no witnesses.
very common, my npd sister does the same......I’m trying not to be around her without another adult around
Oh yes so true
They CHOOSE to forget what they said. When you say stuff, they clearly remember it.
documenting is the best, the amount of things i realised when i wrote down everything they did, was insane. don't underestimate journaling, you will have proof, you'll realise inconsistencies and heaps of stuff. people can control you once you question your sanity.
I audio tape him on the iphone every time we need to have a discussion. When I listen to it, all the evidence is there.
When I made the, what's she calls, Wick List with all the bad things he have done, I built the courage to move on
I had a whole chart with dates and actions to keep my brain together! so glad it only took me four months to get out !
I tried this. He found my journal tore it up and said he will sue me for libel. Because those things might be true in theory but all it does is make him look bad.
Text screen shots...even though when he saw the proof he never admitted it
‘I’m really worried about your memory. You seem confused.’ Delivered in a fake concerned tone.
“You’ve said in the past that you make things bigger and bigger than they need to be in your head. If that’s what’s happening now that’s okay.â€
It’s mind blowing that I lived 30 years and had no clue this type of manipulation ever existed
Yeah, it's like realizing why your whole life was a wreck right before you die.
Nunya Bidness FACTS
Nunya Bidness top of 2018
Really🤔 How odd.
Everytime you say anything society will gaslight you and push you back into the pit of despair.
“You've misinterpreted what I did/saidâ€
“I'm sorry for how you feelâ€
When you speak up about something that upset you and they say “it’s actually not your place to say anythingâ€
Here is my top 3:
3) From my father (actually a narcissist): ''that's what you think you remember, but you were a child at the time so you can't actually know what you remember''
2) From my mother (who has been through so much gaslighting her whole life she just assumes everyone does it): ''you're only saying I make you feel bad to make me feel bad, stop manipulating me''
1) From a THERAPIST (and I won't even try to guess why he thought those words could be therapeutic in any way): ''don't you think you're exaggerating? You know life isn't fun every day right?'' (Hum... duh! That's why I'm here, it's not fun. Every day. Now could we figure out how to make it fun for a few moments on some days?)
"I have no right to be so upset, I'm overreacting, it wasn't a big deal, they didn't mean it, other people have it worse, I'm not perfect either, I'm being hysterical/exaggerating, who's say what's real anyway?" and other greatest hits of the child of a narcissist parent
Asking my narc husband to change his clothes and shower when he gets home from work because we are in the middle of a F...WORLD PANDEMIC. You over react, you should worry less and try to be patient!! Leaving in 1 week!! Leaving my dream home with my beautiful daughter. Wish me luck!
I'm a survivor, on a way to thrive. 💪ðŸ½
I know, If I can do it, you all can! 🔥
It might sound crazy, but I think that everyone that's a narcissist-magnet must come across a strong damaging narcissist. 🤔
The reason is: we have been so primed to take the abuse that it doesn't feel so, unless someone thrashes us left, right and centre. It's deeply agonizing but a wake-up call. 🔔Apart from getting healed from the abuse of one narcissist, we get trained in escaping such monsters in future. ðŸ‹ï¸
The universe has loads of energy for you, you need not depend on any sadist to derive it from. 🌞 More power to all the good people out there! ðŸŒ
You CAN do it! 💜
@RoseZarco did you leave? how are you doing?
Wow! Congrats to you! My Narc is the doing the same to me! You go girl! I can't wait for the day I can leave!
Getting him to shower and change clothes over this "pandemic"
That's crazy 😆 if he's caught any virus, it will be in his system anyways, his clothes are the least of anyone's worries lol
He must be so relieved to not deal with that shit!
ðŸ‘
Brings so much clarity to life in my past marriage!
What is ironically maddening is when a person with narcissistic tendencies binge-watches videos like yours with the aim of looking like the person is becoming aware of his or her issues, but is really just pleased to see that someone has dedicated a channel to people just like them.
I cringed and laughed when I heard that the narcissist my family knows said, "you need to watch this video on gaslighting. You know how easily you fall for that..."
And, "I don't understand why you are getting upset. Can't you see I'm watching these just to please you. You said I think too much of myself. Who in their right mind spend all this much time if not to make my loved ones happier? All I said was you should take lessons from these too. How selfish of you to suggest you have no faults."
Mine told me my “PERCEPTION WAS WRONGâ€.
mine too
I had a narcissist/sociopath boss. He told the whole company my perception was wrong. He even made a documentary about Perception which I exposed in this video I made: czcams.com/video/w02pLfBdkQ8/video.html
This was the first video I made about this guy: czcams.com/video/rYaUpvAwn4k/video.html
I moved across the country and was gaslit for three years. The entire time I thought it was just a cultural difference I needed to overcome. My gut was right the entire time 🤦ðŸ¿â€â™€ï¸
"I don't remember"
"I don't know, that happened a long time ago"
"I don't know what you mean?"
The favorite gaslighting of the father of my daughters; "that is not true, that is happening only on your mind". Thanks for sharing, blessings to everyone ðŸ™
"it's not that I don't listen, it's that you don't ever want to share"
Typical gaslighting by Enablers
"They didn't meant it like that"
"I'm sure they just had a bad day/year/childhood..."
"You should learn not to take things personally"
My older sister actually told me, "I haven't heard anything that bad" right after I'd run her a list of 5-6 abusive & toxic behaviors. I'm like, "WTH" did you just hear what I said?
"Don't be a pussy"
"You're too emotional"
"Be a man"
Hahahhah my husband has been having 15 BAD years apparently..our WHOLE marriage from day 1. hahahahahaahhahahahahahhahhahahhahah 😅he didnt mean it cuz his mom was dying then it was his father then it was his career thenbankruptcy, homelessness, migration, desperation IT WAS ONLY 15 yrs HAHAHHAHHAHAHHAH
You are my new guru thank you
🌻🌻🌻🌻
@@LifeWon452 i can recommend the podcast "you're wrong about" especially the episodes about OJ Simpson and DC Snipers, they explain so well how people are forced to stay in abusive relationships for years. I mean if you are ready for this, could be triggering. But you are Not alone with this, maybe hearing are people stories with abuse helps 🌻🌻🌻
"You are having an attitude"
"You don't respect me"
"me: i realize that you don't care for me. him: You don't tell me how to feel."
"You are trying to manipulate me"
"Stop overthinking everything"
"If you bring this up once more, i will stop talking to you"
"You are so disrespectful!" after diminishing me to the grounds and me trying to stand up for myself...
Dr Ramani helped me so much.. now I know what is happening in my marriage and what gaslighting is.
Just few days ago my husband, grabbed my hand violently and that act hurt me physically and emotionally. The day after when I wanted to talked to him about that...he was like :" I can't believe you're bringing this up, I didn't hurt you. You just love drama etc..
He wasn't violent to me before but he is gaslighting me in every possible way.
Im just trying to figure out my next step.
Here’s one that’s been used on me when I’ve tried to talk to a narcissist about a hurtful thing they’ve done to me: “You’re crazy. I think you need a psychiatristâ€! And, “You need to take some medicationâ€! Ugghhhh!
My narc ex will say "Why are you always making things up in ypur head"; " why do you always create problems where there is none and then attempt to solve these non existing problems"? Knowledge is indeed power. Glad I am out of this bogus "relationship"
“Are you about to get your period?â€.
“Are you taking/do you need medication?â€.
“See how hysterical you are?â€.
Just really curious and asking. Is the first one just normal? Coz like almost everyone here in my country use that. And somehow kinda true when ur about to have ur period ur emotions are fluctuating coz of hormones making u more sensitive or irritable. Isnt that person is more aware of ur body changes and understading u more than being narc?
I wanna understand more on this narrative.
Amen! Smh!
Omg the period one! Yes. Happens to me so much!
OMFG the first one!!
My female boss said the first one!! So wrong! She was very very abusive... I left the job 6 month later!!!
"You don't control me"/ "you're trying to control me"/ "You can't control anymore"
“Are you going to start that 💩 again?â€
You are a genius! My narcissist walked out on me and made me look like the bad one. After 32 years all my family and friends have turned their backs on me.
“How about you calm down, and stop making everyone around you miserable.â€
Dr Ramani - did you call my Father to make that list of examples at the beginning lol?
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Gas lighting has certainly the most devastating influence on the listener.The narcissist makes the best use of it to keep their mask on,to escape from cheat, disloyalty.
"I know you better than you know yourself" "I know you are a very insecure person" and "I can never do anything right" or "why do you make everything about yourself me,me,me" when you try to call them out or explain how they've hurt you.