This is a sermon that came to me as i was driving to the gym one day. The response on instagram was so overwhelming, I figured I share it here too! #FunkyDineva #FunkyBunch
I think when people do that they are so-called trying to teach their kids responsibility but you need to teach them that when they first become a teenager you don't wait until they turn 18 that's putting too much pressure on them when you haven't even prepared them at an early age have them start saving money and do little chores to earn their money and get a little summer job my ppl do stuff so backwards
True, there are so many cultures where it's common practice for generations of families to live together and the children aren't forced out at 18 to fend for themselves.
@@MsRe313 You paying rent but you still have to be in the place of a child. Parents don’t realize they setting their kids and themselves up for failure. This is the reason kids become adults and barely or have nothing to do with their parents.
Damn, this shit hit me hard. I actually cried. I’ve had to distance myself from my mom because she is upset everyday. Her mother was like that. I WILL NOT be that way. It is not normal. ♥️☀️🤲🏾
I didn't grow up in a household where people cursed and yelled at each other. I didn't even know that it was common for siblings to fight each other until I was about 18 years old. My family is black and we were average, not rich nor poor. My grandmother was a humble woman and we grew up in a loving family. The more I hear about people upbringing, the more I realize how blessed I am.
I think folks generalize Black people as being like what Q is talking about … the community I come from is very Christian, very prim and proper (not rich, but we own our own land and most are married and been married for years) … but the unlearning there is being too nice, being a sacrificial lamb, staying married through hell, etc… Black folks are not a monolith …
Once you start meeting other people, alot of those things other races experience. Like not investing and eating. Their poverty is more hidden. You have to search for trailer parks
@@MM-ng5wc Thank you. The things he mentioned are across all races and communities. We all need to unlearn, but I understand the focus on our community.
@@culturelove I live around alot of Asians, Latinos, India Indians, whites and this is not uniquely Black and he has followers from all walks. It will just validate their issues with us, when they go through the same stuff.
Yesssss!! I had to LEARN!!! YELLING at my child, hitting my child. I STOPPED when she was about 7 and she was terrified of me. I stopped yelling, stopped hitting her, she had behavior problems and everyone thought it could be fixed with a beating and prayer. No, it stopped because I CHOSE TO CHANGE ME. She's 17 now and she can't remember the last time I yelled or hit her. Everything didn't require cussing people out. You're hurting yourself, stressing yourself doing all that. Now I'm looked at like the weirdo of the family. But my home is peace and full of happiness. I'm with you on this one Funky ❤
I was beaten by my parents regularly when all they had to do was speak to me. My daughter is 25 and I’ve never hit her - ever. We were taught not to communicate. I vowed that I would raise my child the complete opposite to my own upbringing and we have a great relationship.
I credit a lot of my success to my mother’s parenting style. My mother did not yell and curse at us. I really cannot even imagine my mom cursing at me. Yes, we were disciplined but always with love and teaching.
R. I was told that almost every day of my life and my dad would tell me "you are going to be a whore just like your mother." I was messed up by both of my parents.
I have spent the last few years unpacking things about myself, working to improve. Yet my family continues to say that I am “trying to be white”. I told them that attaining higher education, not entertaining social media drama, not cursing people out all of the time, being presentable, learning to eat better, research better money management, having goals and such does not equate to whiteness. I’m not trying to “be white”, I just know that I can be a better me for myself.
Chile that hit me deep in my soul. I use to get so uncomfortable receiving compliments from people. I would win awards and think I didn’t deserve it carrying a belief of imposter syndrome. It’s been a hard process but I have slowly come out of that self sabotaging mentality. I am now debt free and accept all the love and goodness going into my life!
A friend sent this to me so we could discuss. Funky is full of ish. Look at his behavior. Some of this i know where he was going with it. He needs to learn how to deliver a message. Also, your mother did not tell you wrong. What about building you credit...btw all he doing is yelling and talking down to ppl...get this ish out of here. I could go on.....
@@bigsistergorgeousone8182 He is not talking down on ppl. He even included himself and his personal experiences in the convo so as not to and direct it solely at others. The message is correct. You’re just defensive for no reason.
The grasshopper effect. Grasshoppers naturally could jump high until someone put them in a jar. The behavior was to jump as high as the jar. We need to learn how to jump to our natural God given abilities. Jump outside the box!
Chile my man about to get kicked out the house because everything he do that annoys me and his excuse is "that's how I was raised" or "that's how my mom taught me". And I'm TIRED of telling him just because you were raised or grew up a certain way doesn't mean you can't do things differently as a adult or with your own children.
Agreed!!! Many of these traits passed down through generations were out of survival! The world has evolved and many of these traits are dated, unnecessary, or inappropriate!!! Wholeheartedly agree!!!
The being silent about your suffering, is a big one. Especially at the hands of your family. After I reached my breaking point, and starting cussing ppl out and cutting them loose for continued bad behavior. I felt so much better, because I didn’t suffer fools and have to take that on. My mother still hasn’t learned this lesson, and she got siblings still doing teenage behavior, and she still help them. I had to have a talk with her because I wasn’t going to do and I kno my older sister sure isn’t, so I let her kno this and she needs to steadily help them, help themselves.
I stepped down from a higher paying job for my sanity. I'm glad I realized my mental is more important than money in my early-mid 20's. I had less money, but I slept better at night. I didn't dred going to work. I want anxious about work when I want there anymore. My time was my own. I stopped feeling guilty when I used my pto and vacation time.
@@e113jelly6 you are right. I still make enough to cover my expenses, I just may not be able to get a hotel when I travel I may have to get an air bnb. I may not be able to do the all inclusive vacation I may just have to do food and beverage deals. I just have to look for more cost efficient ways to enjoy the outside stuff instead of just paying whatever the initial cost is. Cutting my spending habits was/is worth the freedom and peace I feel at 30yrs old
I'm so proud of u for that. Girl I have quit places because I was not happy I have left whole marriages because I was not happy all while being dragged for it! But peace of mind is like no other!!!!!
“You got a good job with good benefits. What good is it if it’s killing you”? …. This hit deep this morning. It’s hard for some of us that grew up in poverty & finally have “made it”. The fear is losing what we now have & the idea of returning to what we worked so hard to get away from. Thank you for your message today. Helps me realize I need to re-evaluate my priorities.
I heard that exact phrase for years “you got a good job with benefits, you can’t leave that job” I was making over $100k and I was stressed everyday. After 13 years of being in the industry working at different companies, I QUIT! I woke one day and put in my 2 weeks notice and didn’t have another job! I now run my business focused on Wealth, Wellness and Work, helping women get healthy by giving them the tools to reduce cancer and chronic illnesses, manage their finances and move into job positions that make them happy! I say this to say you are right re-evaluate your priorities because you and your family deserve more. Don’t fear, its all possible take a step back, invest in yourself so you can get all your heart desires!
I've been taught this as well.....sad that it took me to realize it now at the age of 41. Finally trying to get it together so I can get to where I feel I deserve to be. ❤
So true. Bottom lime our parents & grandparents did the best THEY could do with the tools THEY were provided to them. When you know better you do better. Many of them never had jobs that were “good” with benefits so they taught us to hold onto it at any cost. We definitely have to prioritize self care and not let a job contribute to our unhappiness BUT it is difficult to let go of you have responsibilities ie husband/wife & kids. It sounds hot to say leave but you need a plan! Can’t just up & quit with no plan that too must be unlearned! You are responsible to your family to provide so if you want to leave a job have a plan! That is my two cent but I do agree. Great tips as always Q
I needed this!! I’ve had a job since I was 15! When I turned 21, I joined the Navy. I got out in 2019 and during my terminal leave, I started working for the school system. Last year, the pandemic made me realize that I do not want to work for anyone. I’ve had multiple ppl tell me, I never have to worry about my job because when I’m not there it falls apart. But I am so unhappy and so unfulfilled. The energy I’m putting there can be used to improve my businesses! So, I’ve made a promise to myself that I will be leaving at the end of this school year. I am afraid but excited to see what I can accomplish when I can focus on me!!
I started a business during the pandemic. It's a new lane for me. I was nervous, but its had been picking up and rising. It's only gonna be, what we put into it.
I'm actually in the process of doing the same, and it's a journey out of this world but like I say, it's just time, it's BEEN TIME!! Covid just helped us see and realize it
Handle it Queen. I’m Not quite there yet. Have been teaching for Only a couple years and still INTO it. But I Dig ur courage and strength. Conquer it with God
I've had to unlearn so many toxic traits! Poor finances, not taking care of your mental and psychical health, poor communication skills.... I could go on! I'm making the necessary changes. ❤
I had zero guidance… I learned by trial and error…as well as researching and wanting to do better! Proud of my available credit and 750+ credit score. I worked very hard for it! 🙌🏽
Funky my mom may she RIP was always angry also she got me so mad one day that I told her I Wish I was Never Born so you don’t have problems. My mom didn’t take Responsibility for her actions for her mistakes for her anything and gosh she didn’t know how to apologize. Now I learned how to own my bad attitude, my rude mouth and unhappiness and FIX IT because UNHAPPY IS CONTAGIOUS. I choose PEACE AND HAPPINESS. I cleansed my mind, body and spirit and GOSH I live SO MUCH BETTER.
"Unhappiness is contagious" so true! I have had to tell people politely that I can't talk to them or hang out because everything out of their mouth was negative! I mean EVERY DAMN THING!! You not about to pull me into your vortex of toxicity!
I really felt the parts about investing and bill management. I was so terrible with that in my 20s and I could probably be a millionaire by now if I didn't throw so much money away. Nobody tried to tell me better because they didn't know any better. 😩 The gag is: I know better now and in my 40s I'll be set. The things I didn't see as assets (I wasted) are slowly coming back to me. 💚
Can you imagine starting the"process" at 40 years. It is never too late! I applaud you sharing. Time to accept our race..time to accept our sexuality..time to be happy!
I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE!! The only way to improve your life is to be willing to unlearn EVERYTHING you've been taught! My children are adults, and I'm helping them unlearned whatever fucked up mindsets I gave them, and I'm grateful to see them parenting from a different place and living from a different place.
Hello, I don’t he meant unlearn everything you’ve been taught. I think he means learning to identify the unhealthy habits and willing to put in the work to change it.
S/O to you mama! A lot of parents don’t accept accountability, let alone do things differently. They will take the ignorance to the grave. They are blessed! May you and your family continue to be blessed and ever evolving🙏🏾
I was having a conversation with my mom because she was saying “Amazon pay $18 an hour I don’t know why people are not taking that job“ and I explain to her how the terrible working conditions are and people are just not going to be dealing with that just because you making money and she continues to say “see you young folks is so lazy“ and I had to tell her we may be “lazy” but at least we not miserable
Thank you. That's why I'm not working there. You hear horror stories of the why people are treated there, I'm not putting up with that. Fine a career that makes you happy. It's not always About the money. If you're misable, money can't help you
I've worked there - it's not worth the physical wear and tear on your body! There were ppl with cracked and crumbling ankles, missing toenails... *Shudder*
Being motherless, as much as it may hurt, does not make you powerless! I am so happy for you and you deciding to take the time to invest in yourself. Continue to progress! I’m rooting for you!
@@dh7731 my mother wasn’t able to raise me due to mental and alcohol abuse. I was raised by my dad and Grandfather. I have Aunts but their affection was limited towards me. One Aunt put on a front like she was there for me but in private gaslit me until I put an end to it a few years ago. I’m trying to overcome not having a soft place to land when things get rough bc my dad and Grandfather have been dead for years.
I was having this same conversation with one of my friends earlier today! I've been teaching my son and daughter about credit and saving their money! My son is about to turn 18 and I will not be asking him to help pay these bills or he needs to move out!! I definitely want him to grow and to be successful in life!!
That's right, my daughter is 21 and is working, going to college and don't have to pay us a dime! She can stay at home as long as she needs to. She's well behaved and has a good head on her shoulders, and plus my husband and I enjoy her company. I had a coworker tell me that she believes that children should move out at 18 and don't believe in assisting them with college. I just looked at her and shook my head, and then many of us wonder why our kids are not successful. This ladies kids are in their early to mid 50's with no higher level of education and live in apartments, because the support system was never there.
@@angeebb3080 My aunt and uncle told my cousins they had to be out after graduating highschool and no help with college for them either. Their moto was at 18 you're grown so get out. Both of my cousins went away to college and never moved back here. They're very successful in their careers but my aunt hardly sees them. They're 49 & 47, my uncle died about 15 years ago. One has been back twice since then and the other one once. They rarely came home to visit before he died though. On one hand I feel sorry for her but on the other I don't.
I had to learn how to raise my standards and NOT accept everything given to me. That bad habit came from a place of lack where options was never available.
THANK YOU for speaking this word today. We ALL need to “unlearn some shit!” Our culture celebrates a lot of our negative behaviors. Being honest and open to unlearning those things will only help propel us to become better. Again, thank you!
There is so much "unpacking" and deprograming that needs to happen for our people. Generations of abuse and neglect and hostility have become the standard for us and we continue to pass it along to the next generations like a family heirloom.
When I bought my first new car, I realized I had to learn preventive maintenance. Things like getting a part replaced when recommended, as opposed to waiting until the car broke down. When major repairs were needed, I chose to scrape the money together as opposed to trading the car in, so I wouldn't be locked into another loan.
A lot of what we learned was passed down and rooted in a place of trauma and coping in ways that are helpful only in terms of surviving in the most dire of situations and nobody stopped to recognize that that isn't conducive to a healthy way of life. We're so used to it that we'd rather stay in unhappiness than be uncomfortable for a bit in order to live better
You’re so right. If she disagrees with anything or anyone my mom will pop off something serious. That’s not discipline, that’s toxic. I got used to being traumatized in relationships. At age 40 I finally woke up and had to unlearn that.
As a Mental Health Therapist, thank you for this video! This is literally the core of my practice with clients. Unlearning!!! It is refreshing to see someone shining light on behaviors that are taught generationally. ❤️
Listen... That "having to unlearn not letting people celebrate me...?" That spoke to me to the depths of my SOUL! Lemme add that to my conversation list for my next therapy session.
Hunty that hit me dead in my chest. I’m not one for receiving love, compliments or birthday wishes. It wasn’t until four years ago when I met my husband that I allowed myself to let someone love and appreciate me. He was the only person I ever felt safe with to let all my guards down. I was so devastated when he passed but now I’m trying to continue following his mantra of “living and not existing.” Be blessed.✌🏾❤️🙏🏾
YES!!!!!! I've been telling everyone this quote over the last three years: “The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn. ” - Alvin Toffler (Book: Future Shock) Also when you decide to lead your own life and refuse to be brainwashed, obsessed, & worship what people say and do, especially when it defies logic, doesn't apply to you, and wasn't meant for you!!!!!
Regarding eating habits: I’m reading a report from doctors over at UAB that followed 30,239 people in the stroke belt (NC, SC, GA, TN, AL, MS, AR, and LA) for ten years. During that period, 46% of black participants and 33% of white participants developed hypertension. The main contributor the report is focusing on among other factors that contributed to that outcome is the Southern diet.
This is only tangentially related to your point. I lived in Arkansas for one year and was shocked by how many communities did not have sidewalks. It was nearly impossible just to go for a walk in my neighborhood, without walking in the streets or wading through grass.
@Stone Cold the stroke belt was is an 11-state region in the US where the risk of stroke is 34% higher for the general population than it is in other areas of the country. States include Mississippi, Tennessee, Louisiana, Kentucky, Georgia, North Carolina, South Carolina, Alabama, Arkansas, Indiana, and Virginia.
I have finally achieved grown lady credit. So proud! I wish I had learned financial earlier. I just qualified for my first low interest auto loan. That feels great.
I had to unlearn the “lack” ( you’re supposed to struggle financially every day) mentality, the “ He’s a good man” mentality, the “it was good enough for your ancestors it’s good enough for you” mentality, the “you ain’t better than the rest of us” mentality, the “why dream, it didn’t happen for us, it’s not gonna happen for you” mentality, the “you can’t take it with you “ mentality, the “ you must work in the field you got your degree in” mentality, the “you made it, so you owe the rest of us” mentality, the “ you not a woman if you don’t have kids” mentality (that’s the most bs one of all lol) and at 51 still ain’t done. Thank God I had the courage to unlearn. A bitch is HAPPY. 👍🏾👍🏾 I HIGHLY recommend unlearning.
I was told that I need to humble myself cause I am 43 and it’s time for me to be married to a good Christian man but what if the Christian man is a monster behind close doors no way
Seen a lot of this my whole life. I told my mum I want a good man, not a church man... she doesn't understand why because her programming is that "church is best". In some cases yes, but in a lot of cases, no! Even the things we were raised to look for in a man are often wrong!
@@Life.Love.Locs. No, some of the biggest devils are up in the church. It’s a sad but true thing. Ppl like to use God to justify their own egos and behavior.
This is such an important video & topic. I'm African (Namibia🇳🇦) & we experienced the same shit growing up cos our parents/grandparents were too busy fighting wars and focusing on survival (through no fault of their own) to nurture their children emotionally, they were never nurtured and you can't give something you don't have. I'm unlearning & healing too, it's such an important process in one's journey. I hope all black people globally get this message on a deeper level.
Sis, i am congolese and although my parents never fought any wars, we were emotionally starved! I think most african parents did a poor job raising their kids.. yes you feed them, give them clothes and a roof over their head. But african parents barely show love love. I never was told "i love you" from my folks..First time somebody told me they loved me, was from a boyfriend. I am now a married woman with 2 kids and i tell my babies EVERYDAY how much i love them..how beautiful they are and so on
@@melaninairekween3866 Forgive them. Love is expressed in many ways - verbally and nonverbal. People do what was taught or modeled to them. Healing begins when we recognize that people give us what they have. When it isn't enough, God has a way of helping us fill elsewhere.
I feel you on checking your emotions. It is not normal to be mad and crying often. Not gon lie, I set time frames to speak to certain people and my "Do not disturb" button assists with that.
Religion!!!! I cannot convince my mother that it’s superstitious. Silently praying for a family member that needs comfort. What is that doing pray aloud for comfort. We were not taught to celebrate ourselves.
This is the realest advice I have heard in a long time. You are exactly right I cant stop watching this. A lot of us grew up with an angry parent and doing what we saw. Thank you for this.
That part, We SLEEP BETTER when your bills are paid in FULL on Time!!!!! Pay that credit card at the end of the month to avoid interest part! Learned Behavior!!
Lol make two payments and pay it out. Buy something small and pay it out every month when you do so they won’t close it. Because if they do, it’s another credit inquiry on your credit score.
@@lilhypnotique Get down to ONE credit card, use it as a debit card, then take your pay check and pay it in full, You will earn cash back and a great Credit Score,, Promise!!!
ikr?! @funkydineva shook tha table, curtains, floorboards, an then sum... whoo!! what a W.O.R.D... and these comments sound like that word is freeing (or delivering) some people ("me" included)...
THIS IS A VERY MUCH NEEDED WORD!!! I’m 22 y/o and am struggling navigating as to why I feel miserable and unhappy at such a young age. I’m in school, have a job, and enlisted, yet I feel numb. Time to unlearn and unpack.
Ooooooooo Funky, you are preaching FACTS and tears just dropped from my eyes. OH MY GOSH... Soooooooo true. I never understood why I seem to struggle with the same things year after year as old as I am. Thank you for saying this. Love you.
I am so happy you shared this!!!!!! As a Black woman, I have never understood why some Black women are ALWAYS mad. Not angry but mad! To not be upset all the time to some means you are acting white! Thank you for sharing! All day in Walmart yelling and cursing at kids! Walking through a small grocery store the other day, I heard a woman on the cell cursing, talking loudly! Without hearing her conversation an isle over, I would not have known how refined she looked in her dress. So thank you! Awesome!
I'm so glad my mom show and taught us well about credit cards, savings, shopping and eating healthy. Yes we had to learn about investment but what I need ti unlearn is what I brought upon myself.
Sigh... I’m struggling with the affectionate part. I know my parents loved me, but they didn’t love up on me or hug me. I try to explain to my boyfriend I love him to death, but I’m struggling to be more affectionate. You preaching tonight Nessa!
Try standing behind him and hug him, with his arms at his side, not touching you at all for a minute or two . Let it be about you controlling your level of comfort for the affection. Try to do it on a daily basis. It might seem weird at first. You'll know you've made progress once it takes you longer to, or you don't want to, let go. (I hope it works for y'all)
@@MsRe313 Been in the same situation with my bf, he didn’t show affection, while I was at the other end. So it felt like rejection. I had learned to be patient, but I say this to ppl, if you are in a relationship, work on it, but work on it and yourself before getting into one because you will suffer and make the other person more. Affection not reciprocated cam hurt and be emotionally damaging.
Needed to be said! Funny my son and I were having this same conversation the other night. He's a cop and works in a pretty rough neighborhood. All story short, I hurts his spirit when, he see black people not wanting more, better for themselves or there child/ children. He gets cursed out alot, called a sale out, you name it, he's called it. The older people in the area, they try with the young kids and there parents. But, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink from it. Well said, we need to open our minds, hearts and do better. Unlearn, and learn correctly!! God bless 🙌
I’ve realized lot of the things I learned is the result of generational trauma…the first step was acknowledging the inherited brokenness and then work on changing the trajectory toward healing and self-love….it’s work but it’s possible.
Speak that truth and don’t apologize for telling the truth. We as black ppl really need to unlearn these bad habits that we were taught as children, they didn’t know any better!! But we do!! Great talk 🥰
This message is so relatable. Especially when you said your daddy always said "save your money", so true and they never used the word "invest" but I know they didn't know better. I wish I had the knowledge I have now at least 10 years ago. Now I am raising my child to save and invest from a young age. I will also never hit my child, not necessary.
I felt that credit card thing!!!! Listening to my mom jacked my credit up!!!!!!! First she told me to pay the minimum then she told me to close them out. I literally eliminated over 7k in credit and closing them is what tanked my credit. I couldn't even get a target store card. I was so confused but in my mid 20s I learned what happened. Keep the cards open. Don't close them!!!!
Y’all its worth the listen! I can honestly say as a younger person yet still an 80s baby; he right! I was working through this same stuff he talked about while I was in grade school the way society works. The way a person should feel at being themselves and wanting to be happy! I believe that’s the first step to owning who you are and not what you have been tough! The black sheep’s of the families in the best way possible was ahead of there time! Moved different I.E. the ones dating outside their race, the going the extra mile staying at school not wanting to go home, the reader! Finally, If you wanna be somebody, if you wanna go somewhere; you better wake up and pay attention! So simple yet so profound!
I’m not black but my daddy (God rest his soul) also taught me terrible financial habits. He never made enough money so we’re always them poor white family in the hood. Lights always cut off, rent always late but some how barley made it month to month. As a woman now in my forties, so many of these traits had to be unlearned. This is an interesting topic, thank you for the morning thoughts!
Joey Villagracia..because he is a black person speaking on our experiences seeing it first hand, I think Caucasians could benefit from unlearning a lot of things that they were taught also.
@@angeebb3080 You are 💯 on this point! I can think of a few us who need to relearn some shit. However there many of us out there who grew up with black folks. But just because I did, I know very well our experience is not the same as yours, I’m not blind. Any white person whom grew up in the hood, I felt many of our financial struggles were identical. I was a kid in the 80’s in Los Angeles and mean down town. All of us neighbors often shared food or because we lived by skid row, sometimes free food would be given out so us kids would get it when things got really bad.
So needed this message. We often times get offended and scared when we have to learn and reveal the TRUTH about ourselves. Thanks for making this video it's time for a happy and healthy life.
This truly helped my entire soul. I had been struggling. Not wanting to seem disrespectful but damn. I am 46. At what point do I have to defend my choices for my own happiness. Thank you for this confirmation Q
One of the best decisions I ever made was leaving the public school system as a special education teacher…EBD=16 years. I was stressed out and developed late onset Epilepsy. I kept feeling like it was time to go but bills 💸 . So 4/22/19 I had a seizure at work. I made up my mind that night that my life is too precious to go out like that over some “good insurance” and that once a month pittance. I resigned the next day. My WHOLE life fell apart but 2 years later here I am 60 lbs lighter, minimal stress, happily single after 20 years of “thats how i was raised”, and now I am NOT struggling financially. Do what makes your soul happy. Tell the fear, “Silencio Bruno” and turn your light ALL THE WAY UP. Ipy Love will guide you to exactly where you need to be. Black People i love US so much, We just need to believe in OURSELVES.
Talk that!! Just had this conversation with my therapist! These toxic traits need to be unlearned! Momma, Grandma, Grandad had bad traits too! Let’s keep having these conversations!
In the process of unlearning right now & I'm 30. Once you get tired of being tired, and wonder why things aren't working. It's definitely time to change some things!!
When I stopped eating meat, my mother asked me who I thought I was and added that I wasn't brought like that. When I graduated she didn't say nothing, couldn't even bring herself to say congratulations without prompting..I mean..my own mother.
FD, this was so good. My mother was angry every day of her life also. It took a lot of therapy and self improvement for me to unlearn the crap that was handed to me.
Omg!! When I tell you I NEEDED TO HEAR THIS!!! WOW...I'm literally in tears smh I've been so miserable with life, my job, and just so angry sometimes for no reason I didn't realize I've been doing this shit to myself! And I agree it's generational!!! What I saw and was taught as a child is now what I've become! Omg Q!!! thank you so much for this!!
This nearly brought me to tears because I grew up being blamed for everything that went wrong and I couldn’t ask my parents for help because I was “asking for too much” or “causing problems” so now I walk around feeling guilty for everything and feeling like I’m a burden to people. This is one of the many traumas I have to unlearn after 22 years of abuse and toxicity from my parents. Please make a part two or continue this discussion 🙌🏽
I can agree. Me and my husband just agreed for me to let my job go. We got this big ass house, nice cars and all that. But my job has made me so miserable I can’t enjoy nothing around me cause I leave work MAD every damn day. Everybody around us swear I got a “good” job.
We need to stop using breaking generational curses as a tag line!!! Facilitate growth and healing. Unlearning behaviors and doing your shadow work (therapy, meditation, journaling, etc…) is what breaks bad behaviors. We joke about it in the internet streets but we have a lot of inbred toxicity that has to go!!!
So true! Plus a disturbing amount of people go to "well what about this" or "what about that" or "they don't have to deal with xyz". At this point, I'm saying if you like where your life is and don't want to change DON'T!!! Or if you're good with being miserable keep doing what you doing. Your misery doesn't impact anybody in these CZcams streets. I choose to continue to learn, grow and improve 🙂
"You sleep better when yo shit current." So true.
I felt that deep within my soul !
Yessss that one hit my soul.
A whole word!!! First thing I do on payday is pay all my bills. Sometimes it hurts but it feels so good!
No wonder I sleep well lol 😂
Nothing to say but, facts!!!
Let’s start with not charging our kids rent the minute they turn 18. They didn’t ask to be here.
I think when people do that they are so-called trying to teach their kids responsibility but you need to teach them that when they first become a teenager you don't wait until they turn 18 that's putting too much pressure on them when you haven't even prepared them at an early age have them start saving money and do little chores to earn their money and get a little summer job my ppl do stuff so backwards
True, there are so many cultures where it's common practice for generations of families to live together and the children aren't forced out at 18 to fend for themselves.
I started paying rent at the age of 16!
@@MsRe313 You paying rent but you still have to be in the place of a child. Parents don’t realize they setting their kids and themselves up for failure. This is the reason kids become adults and barely or have nothing to do with their parents.
18??? I was charged rent at 14. My 1st job and paychecks had to go to my Mom.
So glad youre speaking on this!! Holding us accountable ISNT antiblack!
This !!
Alright now!
Amen!
At ALL!
💜💜💜💜
Damn, this shit hit me hard. I actually cried. I’ve had to distance myself from my mom because she is upset everyday. Her mother was like that. I WILL NOT be that way. It is not normal. ♥️☀️🤲🏾
I cried too, so many angry mothers in the world! God bless you❤️
@@brandynicjones ♥️✨
That is awesome that you even recognized that it wasn't okay! You will be fine!!! 💗💗💗💗
Yes girl just keep going. My mom barely calls me sometimes but it's about the emotional connection unconditional love.
❤🤗
I didn't grow up in a household where people cursed and yelled at each other. I didn't even know that it was common for siblings to fight each other until I was about 18 years old. My family is black and we were average, not rich nor poor. My grandmother was a humble woman and we grew up in a loving family. The more I hear about people upbringing, the more I realize how blessed I am.
I think folks generalize Black people as being like what Q is talking about … the community I come from is very Christian, very prim and proper (not rich, but we own our own land and most are married and been married for years) … but the unlearning there is being too nice, being a sacrificial lamb, staying married through hell, etc… Black folks are not a monolith …
Once you start meeting other people, alot of those things other races experience. Like not investing and eating. Their poverty is more hidden. You have to search for trailer parks
@@MM-ng5wc Thank you. The things he mentioned are across all races and communities. We all need to unlearn, but I understand the focus on our community.
Who cares? And what does being average have to do with fighting with your siblings? Black people stereotype each other the most!
@@culturelove I live around alot of Asians, Latinos, India Indians, whites and this is not uniquely Black and he has followers from all walks. It will just validate their issues with us, when they go through the same stuff.
It was the "you are not supposed to be angry and yelling everyday" for me 😭😪
A word that I needed.
so true..
I definitely felt that as well
My boyfriends mama need to hear. 😒😒🤭
Yesssss!! I had to LEARN!!! YELLING at my child, hitting my child. I STOPPED when she was about 7 and she was terrified of me. I stopped yelling, stopped hitting her, she had behavior problems and everyone thought it could be fixed with a beating and prayer. No, it stopped because I CHOSE TO CHANGE ME. She's 17 now and she can't remember the last time I yelled or hit her. Everything didn't require cussing people out. You're hurting yourself, stressing yourself doing all that. Now I'm looked at like the weirdo of the family. But my home is peace and full of happiness. I'm with you on this one Funky ❤
🙌🏾
Yesssssss Lord ❤️
Amen!
I was beaten by my parents regularly when all they had to do was speak to me. My daughter is 25 and I’ve never hit her - ever. We were taught not to communicate. I vowed that I would raise my child the complete opposite to my own upbringing and we have a great relationship.
I credit a lot of my success to my mother’s parenting style. My mother did not yell and curse at us. I really cannot even imagine my mom cursing at me. Yes, we were disciplined but always with love and teaching.
This wasn’t long enough. We need a part two
Right!!! We need a series on this.
Q about to take over where Ms Vanzant left off now that she is ending her show. We need this!
Yesss!!
Agreed! It could be a series. Part 1 is about money, part 2 is about emotional regulation etc.
@funkydineva can you make this happen?
Therapy and dealing with trauma is one of the best things I ever did.
ME TOO!!!
And let's not forget the mothers who told their kids "You ain't $h!t just like your father!" 😡 smh
R. I was told that almost every day of my life and my dad would tell me "you are going to be a whore just like your mother." I was messed up by both of my parents.
Boom!
And when you think about the mother’s ain’t been shit either because they fell for them and then they never could do better than him
Quinton your correct we as black people justify a lot of our negative behaviors.
and use the excuses: " every body else do it, we all sin and fall short etc
Sad but true
Girl they not ready for that conversation #preach
💯💯
@@BuffyNoir140 “That’s what my momma taught me and her mama the same!”
Literally my therapy is based on unlearning and becoming completely whole.
Absolutely!!! I’m a life coach I spend majority of my clients sessions unlearning and healing of trauma
Same
I have spent the last few years unpacking things about myself, working to improve. Yet my family continues to say that I am “trying to be white”.
I told them that attaining higher education, not entertaining social media drama, not cursing people out all of the time, being presentable, learning to eat better, research better money management, having goals and such does not equate to whiteness. I’m not trying to “be white”, I just know that I can be a better me for myself.
I am in my 30s, and definitely can relate to this.
@@Nekole1 So am I! As they say, when you know better, you do better!
@@latoya1928 I agree!
Keep it up honey. God bless they just don’t know no better smh.
You should tell them, White people are not the standard for living. I am living how I am suppose to live. Like God wanted
Chile that hit me deep in my soul. I use to get so uncomfortable receiving compliments from people. I would win awards and think I didn’t deserve it carrying a belief of imposter syndrome. It’s been a hard process but I have slowly come out of that self sabotaging mentality. I am now debt free and accept all the love and goodness going into my life!
The struggle is real.
The imposter syndrome has ruined my life
To the 45 people that unliked this .. God Bless You!! And hopefully one day you see the light that directs you to live a better life!
Word
Unfortunately some people will be left behind because they are unwilling able to make this shift. #GrowOrDie
A friend sent this to me so we could discuss. Funky is full of ish. Look at his behavior. Some of this i know where he was going with it. He needs to learn how to deliver a message. Also, your mother did not tell you wrong. What about building you credit...btw all he doing is yelling and talking down to ppl...get this ish out of here. I could go on.....
@@bigsistergorgeousone8182 He is not talking down on ppl. He even included himself and his personal experiences in the convo so as not to and direct it solely at others. The message is correct. You’re just defensive for no reason.
YASSSSS!!!!!!!! POOR BABIES!!
We need to learn to stop killing each other!!! Learn how to resolve conflict and agree to disagree!
This is Real.
This goes back to the aggression issue. We walk around looking for someone to knock the chip off of our shoulders.
You kill where you live. And that’s with any race of people. Do I think some of the killings should stop! Absolutely!
Yes...indeed and it can be done, it not impossible agreeing to disagree, resolve a conflict.
@@cortezmiller1899 That doesn’t explain why we do it at higher rates though! And this conversation is about Blk folk.
The grasshopper effect. Grasshoppers naturally could jump high until someone put them in a jar. The behavior was to jump as high as the jar. We need to learn how to jump to our natural God given abilities. Jump outside the box!
Kinda reminds me of how when you put sharks in a shark tank they don’t grow their full size🥲
Chile my man about to get kicked out the house because everything he do that annoys me and his excuse is "that's how I was raised" or "that's how my mom taught me". And I'm TIRED of telling him just because you were raised or grew up a certain way doesn't mean you can't do things differently as a adult or with your own children.
Same
My pet peeve, "that's how I was raised, that's just how I am". I distance myself from these people.
It is said that misery loves company. Please do what you need to do in order to bring peace into your home.
Well said
Kicked a BFF to the curb for the same reason. Got tired of making the excuse “that’s just how she is”
Agreed!!! Many of these traits passed down through generations were out of survival! The world has evolved and many of these traits are dated, unnecessary, or inappropriate!!! Wholeheartedly agree!!!
Preach 🙌🏼
This is it right here!
The being silent about your suffering, is a big one. Especially at the hands of your family. After I reached my breaking point, and starting cussing ppl out and cutting them loose for continued bad behavior. I felt so much better, because I didn’t suffer fools and have to take that on. My mother still hasn’t learned this lesson, and she got siblings still doing teenage behavior, and she still help them. I had to have a talk with her because I wasn’t going to do and I kno my older sister sure isn’t, so I let her kno this and she needs to steadily help them, help themselves.
I been evolved. I've been waiting for the world to catch up
This 9 minutes was so valuable.....all I can say is your never too old to unlearn!!
Preach!! I'm 46 learning and unlearning never stops.
I stepped down from a higher paying job for my sanity. I'm glad I realized my mental is more important than money in my early-mid 20's. I had less money, but I slept better at night. I didn't dred going to work. I want anxious about work when I want there anymore. My time was my own. I stopped feeling guilty when I used my pto and vacation time.
Felt that one
This comment is it but the sad part is money is everything especially when your single taking care of yourself as u should but those bills add up
@@e113jelly6 you are right. I still make enough to cover my expenses, I just may not be able to get a hotel when I travel I may have to get an air bnb. I may not be able to do the all inclusive vacation I may just have to do food and beverage deals. I just have to look for more cost efficient ways to enjoy the outside stuff instead of just paying whatever the initial cost is. Cutting my spending habits was/is worth the freedom and peace I feel at 30yrs old
I'm so proud of u for that. Girl I have quit places because I was not happy I have left whole marriages because I was not happy all while being dragged for it! But peace of mind is like no other!!!!!
yessssss
“You got a good job with good benefits. What good is it if it’s killing you”? …. This hit deep this morning. It’s hard for some of us that grew up in poverty & finally have “made it”. The fear is losing what we now have & the idea of returning to what we worked so hard to get away from. Thank you for your message today. Helps me realize I need to re-evaluate my priorities.
I heard that exact phrase for years “you got a good job with benefits, you can’t leave that job” I was making over $100k and I was stressed everyday. After 13 years of being in the industry working at different companies, I QUIT! I woke one day and put in my 2 weeks notice and didn’t have another job! I now run my business focused on Wealth, Wellness and Work, helping women get healthy by giving them the tools to reduce cancer and chronic illnesses, manage their finances and move into job positions that make them happy! I say this to say you are right re-evaluate your priorities because you and your family deserve more. Don’t fear, its all possible take a step back, invest in yourself so you can get all your heart desires!
I preach this at work daily to those I wanna work EVERY OVERTIME SHIFT people 🙄
I've been taught this as well.....sad that it took me to realize it now at the age of 41. Finally trying to get it together so I can get to where I feel I deserve to be. ❤
@@FullyFocusedLiving girl same but it took me 6 years to get burned out. Didn’t even put in a two weeks notice because eff them! 😂😑
So true. Bottom lime our parents & grandparents did the best THEY could do with the tools THEY were provided to them.
When you know better you do better. Many of them never had jobs that were “good” with benefits so they taught us to hold onto it at any cost.
We definitely have to prioritize self care and not let a job contribute to our unhappiness BUT it is difficult to let go of you have responsibilities ie husband/wife & kids.
It sounds hot to say leave but you need a plan! Can’t just up & quit with no plan that too must be unlearned!
You are responsible to your family to provide so if you want to leave a job have a plan! That is my two cent but I do agree.
Great tips as always Q
I needed this!! I’ve had a job since I was 15! When I turned 21, I joined the Navy. I got out in 2019 and during my terminal leave, I started working for the school system. Last year, the pandemic made me realize that I do not want to work for anyone. I’ve had multiple ppl tell me, I never have to worry about my job because when I’m not there it falls apart. But I am so unhappy and so unfulfilled. The energy I’m putting there can be used to improve my businesses! So, I’ve made a promise to myself that I will be leaving at the end of this school year. I am afraid but excited to see what I can accomplish when I can focus on me!!
I actually quit teaching in a school as well. You will be afraid, but as soon as you quit and get in your car to leave you’ll be so glad you did !
I started a business during the pandemic. It's a new lane for me. I was nervous, but its had been picking up and rising. It's only gonna be, what we put into it.
I'm actually in the process of doing the same, and it's a journey out of this world but like I say, it's just time, it's BEEN TIME!! Covid just helped us see and realize it
Handle it Queen. I’m Not quite there yet. Have been teaching for Only a couple years and still INTO it. But I Dig ur courage and strength. Conquer it with God
Best of wishes to you ❤️
I've had to unlearn so many toxic traits! Poor finances, not taking care of your mental and psychical health, poor communication skills.... I could go on! I'm making the necessary changes. ❤
I applaud you! Keep doing the work!
I had zero guidance… I learned by trial and error…as well as researching and wanting to do better! Proud of my available credit and 750+ credit score. I worked very hard for it! 🙌🏽
Funky my mom may she RIP was always angry also she got me so mad one day that I told her I Wish I was Never Born so you don’t have problems. My mom didn’t take Responsibility for her actions for her mistakes for her anything and gosh she didn’t know how to apologize. Now I learned how to own my bad attitude, my rude mouth and unhappiness and FIX IT because UNHAPPY IS CONTAGIOUS. I choose PEACE AND HAPPINESS. I cleansed my mind, body and spirit and GOSH I live SO MUCH BETTER.
"Unhappiness is contagious" so true! I have had to tell people politely that I can't talk to them or hang out because everything out of their mouth was negative! I mean EVERY DAMN THING!! You not about to pull me into your vortex of toxicity!
@@teachertx Misery loves company
*Applause!
I really felt the parts about investing and bill management. I was so terrible with that in my 20s and I could probably be a millionaire by now if I didn't throw so much money away. Nobody tried to tell me better because they didn't know any better. 😩 The gag is: I know better now and in my 40s I'll be set. The things I didn't see as assets (I wasted) are slowly coming back to me. 💚
Yes I’m tryna make up for the dumb stuff i didn’t in my 20’s when it came to money
Yasssss! If only had my Mom taught me better money management & credit in my 20s, I’d be where I SHOULD BE in MY 40s!
I’m 26 and learning this now. I feel so ashamed that I let my financial situation get to this point. However, it’s a new day and I can change.
Yep, if only I used that Essence festival money, that new car money, that new laptop money on Bitcoin
The women in my family trusted the men with finances only to learn they didn't know ish about nothing.
Can you imagine starting the"process" at 40 years. It is never too late! I applaud you sharing. Time to accept our race..time to accept our sexuality..time to be happy!
in the words of Iyanla “there is a different way to do it baby”!
I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE!! The only way to improve your life is to be willing to unlearn EVERYTHING you've been taught! My children are adults, and I'm helping them unlearned whatever fucked up mindsets I gave them, and I'm grateful to see them parenting from a different place and living from a different place.
Yes thank you!!
I am with you Sis!
Yess girl, it's a process for us all.
Hello, I don’t he meant unlearn everything you’ve been taught. I think he means learning to identify the unhealthy habits and willing to put in the work to change it.
S/O to you mama! A lot of parents don’t accept accountability, let alone do things differently. They will take the ignorance to the grave. They are blessed! May you and your family continue to be blessed and ever evolving🙏🏾
I was having a conversation with my mom because she was saying “Amazon pay $18 an hour I don’t know why people are not taking that job“ and I explain to her how the terrible working conditions are and people are just not going to be dealing with that just because you making money and she continues to say “see you young folks is so lazy“ and I had to tell her we may be “lazy” but at least we not miserable
Thank you. That's why I'm not working there. You hear horror stories of the why people are treated there, I'm not putting up with that. Fine a career that makes you happy. It's not always About the money. If you're misable, money can't help you
@@marklouis1890 how are you supposed to support yourself?
@@truthseeker8970 there are other jobs as I told my parents my first job was not fast food service or delivery I was a bank teller at 16
I've worked there - it's not worth the physical wear and tear on your body! There were ppl with cracked and crumbling ankles, missing toenails... *Shudder*
Now that's a word. U said it right.
I’m in Therapy Unlearning a lot including, not accepting how people choose to treat me and being motherless.
Being motherless, as much as it may hurt, does not make you powerless! I am so happy for you and you deciding to take the time to invest in yourself. Continue to progress! I’m rooting for you!
Same Sis! Sending Love❤️🖤
yes and having boundaries with the parents
What do you mean my motherless?
@@dh7731 my mother wasn’t able to raise me due to mental and alcohol abuse. I was raised by my dad and Grandfather. I have Aunts but their affection was limited towards me. One Aunt put on a front like she was there for me but in private gaslit me until I put an end to it a few years ago. I’m trying to overcome not having a soft place to land when things get rough bc my dad and Grandfather have been dead for years.
No lies told. It's called GROWTH
I was having this same conversation with one of my friends earlier today! I've been teaching my son and daughter about credit and saving their money! My son is about to turn 18 and I will not be asking him to help pay these bills or he needs to move out!! I definitely want him to grow and to be successful in life!!
That's right, my daughter is 21 and is working, going to college and don't have to pay us a dime! She can stay at home as long as she needs to. She's well behaved and has a good head on her shoulders, and plus my husband and I enjoy her company. I had a coworker tell me that she believes that children should move out at 18 and don't believe in assisting them with college. I just looked at her and shook my head, and then many of us wonder why our kids are not successful. This ladies kids are in their early to mid 50's with no higher level of education and live in apartments, because the support system was never there.
@@angeebb3080 My aunt and uncle told my cousins they had to be out after graduating highschool and no help with college for them either. Their moto was at 18 you're grown so get out. Both of my cousins went away to college and never moved back here. They're very successful in their careers but my aunt hardly sees them. They're 49 & 47, my uncle died about 15 years ago. One has been back twice since then and the other one once. They rarely came home to visit before he died though. On one hand I feel sorry for her but on the other I don't.
They should pay a bill (maybe electric or something small like a phone bill) to have a history and build up credit.
“9 times out of 10, bout 60% of…” 😂
I love your mind!
Damn I felt the “let people love on you”
Idk how to.
That hit me like a ton of bricks. My God!!!!
Same girl, smh
Yesss Rae, I think he touched on something I have yet to address.
And I'm out here 'miss independent I don't need nobody!!!' & that ain't even my true spirit. 😔
Yes ma'am
I had to learn how to raise my standards and NOT accept everything given to me.
That bad habit came from a place of lack where options was never available.
THANK YOU for speaking this word today. We ALL need to “unlearn some shit!” Our culture celebrates a lot of our negative behaviors. Being honest and open to unlearning those things will only help propel us to become better. Again, thank you!
I agree.
There is so much "unpacking" and deprograming that needs to happen for our people. Generations of abuse and neglect and hostility have become the standard for us and we continue to pass it along to the next generations like a family heirloom.
When I bought my first new car, I realized I had to learn preventive maintenance. Things like getting a part replaced when recommended, as opposed to waiting until the car broke down. When major repairs were needed, I chose to scrape the money together as opposed to trading the car in, so I wouldn't be locked into another loan.
A lot of what we learned was passed down and rooted in a place of trauma and coping in ways that are helpful only in terms of surviving in the most dire of situations and nobody stopped to recognize that that isn't conducive to a healthy way of life. We're so used to it that we'd rather stay in unhappiness than be uncomfortable for a bit in order to live better
Facts!! And what you are speaking is also a reason why we can't come together as a people as well.
@@tellytellz5080 yep!!!
This is a word
You’re so right. If she disagrees with anything or anyone my mom will pop off something serious. That’s not discipline, that’s toxic. I got used to being traumatized in relationships. At age 40 I finally woke up and had to unlearn that.
As a Mental Health Therapist, thank you for this video! This is literally the core of my practice with clients. Unlearning!!! It is refreshing to see someone shining light on behaviors that are taught generationally. ❤️
Listen... That "having to unlearn not letting people celebrate me...?" That spoke to me to the depths of my SOUL! Lemme add that to my conversation list for my next therapy session.
Hunty that hit me dead in my chest. I’m not one for receiving love, compliments or birthday wishes. It wasn’t until four years ago when I met my husband that I allowed myself to let someone love and appreciate me. He was the only person I ever felt safe with to let all my guards down. I was so devastated when he passed but now I’m trying to continue following his mantra of “living and not existing.” Be blessed.✌🏾❤️🙏🏾
@@Lainey_Shelley well said
I NEVER celebrate my birthday either because my parent never did 🤷🏽♀️ so it was “normal”…..celebrating was for OTHER people, sad but true. #UNLEARN
@@kynroebri4347 start now Sis. Celebrate yourself!!
@@bbarksd107 it’s a “Holiday” so people want to do THAT instead 🎃. I may just start dating myself 😃👍🏽
YES!!!!!! I've been telling everyone this quote over the last three years: “The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn. ” - Alvin Toffler (Book: Future Shock) Also when you decide to lead your own life and refuse to be brainwashed, obsessed, & worship what people say and do, especially when it defies logic, doesn't apply to you, and wasn't meant for you!!!!!
👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿
100%!!! I felt this!
Regarding eating habits: I’m reading a report from doctors over at UAB that followed 30,239 people in the stroke belt (NC, SC, GA, TN, AL, MS, AR, and LA) for ten years. During that period, 46% of black participants and 33% of white participants developed hypertension. The main contributor the report is focusing on among other factors that contributed to that outcome is the Southern diet.
This is only tangentially related to your point. I lived in Arkansas for one year and was shocked by how many communities did not have sidewalks. It was nearly impossible just to go for a walk in my neighborhood, without walking in the streets or wading through grass.
@Stone Cold the stroke belt was is an 11-state region in the US where the risk of stroke is 34% higher for the general population than it is in other areas of the country. States include Mississippi, Tennessee, Louisiana, Kentucky, Georgia, North Carolina, South Carolina, Alabama, Arkansas, Indiana, and Virginia.
@@blakoutkast706 Interesting!
I’m from Arkansas. Most of the hypertension cases are due to stress.
@@sherwood9917 same i live in NC
I have finally achieved grown lady credit. So proud! I wish I had learned financial earlier. I just qualified for my first low interest auto loan. That feels great.
I had to unlearn the “lack” ( you’re supposed to struggle financially every day) mentality, the “ He’s a good man” mentality, the “it was good enough for your ancestors it’s good enough for you” mentality, the “you ain’t better than the rest of us” mentality, the “why dream, it didn’t happen for us, it’s not gonna happen for you” mentality, the “you can’t take it with you “ mentality, the “ you must work in the field you got your degree in” mentality, the “you made it, so you owe the rest of us” mentality, the “ you not a woman if you don’t have kids” mentality (that’s the most bs one of all lol) and at 51 still ain’t done. Thank God I had the courage to unlearn. A bitch is HAPPY. 👍🏾👍🏾 I HIGHLY recommend unlearning.
Deeeeeeep
Yes yes yes!!! Unlearning is CRUCIAL and the hardest part of growth. Thank you for this video.
I am literally sitting here in tears because you was speaking to me. I know you don't know me, but thank you!
Don’t leave WE need this!! “You don’t have to be unhappy in order to provide”
I felt that
I was told that I need to humble myself cause I am 43 and it’s time for me to be married to a good Christian man but what if the Christian man is a monster behind close doors no way
Seen a lot of this my whole life. I told my mum I want a good man, not a church man... she doesn't understand why because her programming is that "church is best". In some cases yes, but in a lot of cases, no! Even the things we were raised to look for in a man are often wrong!
Girl you aint got time to be worried about that type of detail at 43…
@@Life.Love.Locs. No, some of the biggest devils are up in the church. It’s a sad but true thing. Ppl like to use God to justify their own egos and behavior.
You said a mouthful!!!
@@pickmeisha There’s that old way of thinking. Why does she need to be married at all?
People, places and things makes a huge differences on your lifestyle....
This is such an important video & topic. I'm African (Namibia🇳🇦) & we experienced the same shit growing up cos our parents/grandparents were too busy fighting wars and focusing on survival (through no fault of their own) to nurture their children emotionally, they were never nurtured and you can't give something you don't have. I'm unlearning & healing too, it's such an important process in one's journey. I hope all black people globally get this message on a deeper level.
We have more in common than we think we do. Thank you for sharing.
Sis, i am congolese and although my parents never fought any wars, we were emotionally starved! I think most african parents did a poor job raising their kids.. yes you feed them, give them clothes and a roof over their head. But african parents barely show love love. I never was told "i love you" from my folks..First time somebody told me they loved me, was from a boyfriend. I am now a married woman with 2 kids and i tell my babies EVERYDAY how much i love them..how beautiful they are and so on
@@melaninairekween3866 Forgive them. Love is expressed in many ways - verbally and nonverbal. People do what was taught or modeled to them. Healing begins when we recognize that people give us what they have. When it isn't enough, God has a way of helping us fill elsewhere.
I feel you on checking your emotions. It is not normal to be mad and crying often. Not gon lie, I set time frames to speak to certain people and my "Do not disturb" button assists with that.
Do not disturb!! This applies to family and friends…
Me too
Whew, Qween, Chile…a word!🙌🏽
Unhappiness woke me up to the fact that I need to change my ways.
Hallelujah
Religion!!!! I cannot convince my mother that it’s superstitious. Silently praying for a family member that needs comfort. What is that doing pray aloud for comfort.
We were not taught to celebrate ourselves.
This is the realest advice I have heard in a long time. You are exactly right I cant stop watching this. A lot of us grew up with an angry parent and doing what we saw. Thank you for this.
That part, We SLEEP BETTER when your bills are paid in FULL on Time!!!!! Pay that credit card at the end of the month to avoid interest part! Learned Behavior!!
Lol make two payments and pay it out. Buy something small and pay it out every month when you do so they won’t close it. Because if they do, it’s another credit inquiry on your credit score.
@@lilhypnotique Get down to ONE credit card, use it as a debit card, then take your pay check and pay it in full, You will earn cash back and a great Credit Score,, Promise!!!
@@tymbreturner501 Yep lol that too!
Q I’m over here crying my eyes out cause you don’t know how much this blessed me. I NEEDED TO HEAR THIS!!!! Thank you!! ❤️
🙌🏾
Okayyyy me too Marcus
Speak! I’m guilty. Thanks for this!
💯❤
I already know this gone shake the table!
Lol, why did I hear that in her voice? 🤭🤭
ikr?! @funkydineva shook tha table, curtains, floorboards, an then sum... whoo!! what a W.O.R.D... and these comments sound like that word is freeing (or delivering) some people ("me" included)...
This video is so good I’m tearing up to cry like why don’t we talk about this with each other as black people.
THIS IS A VERY MUCH NEEDED WORD!!! I’m 22 y/o and am struggling navigating as to why I feel miserable and unhappy at such a young age. I’m in school, have a job, and enlisted, yet I feel numb. Time to unlearn and unpack.
Ooooooooo Funky, you are preaching FACTS and tears just dropped from my eyes. OH MY GOSH... Soooooooo true. I never understood why I seem to struggle with the same things year after year as old as I am. Thank you for saying this. Love you.
🙌🏾
“I’m at the gym and got an attitude” 🤣😂🤣
I’m in tears. Like literal tears!!! How the universe opened me up to hear and receive this!!
Thank You Q. Brace yourself. Big things, Big fvkn things.
I am so happy you shared this!!!!!! As a Black woman, I have never understood why some Black women are ALWAYS mad. Not angry but mad! To not be upset all the time to some means you are acting white! Thank you for sharing! All day in Walmart yelling and cursing at kids! Walking through a small grocery store the other day, I heard a woman on the cell cursing, talking loudly! Without hearing her conversation an isle over, I would not have known how refined she looked in her dress. So thank you! Awesome!
I'm so glad my mom show and taught us well about credit cards, savings, shopping and eating healthy. Yes we had to learn about investment but what I need ti unlearn is what I brought upon myself.
Truer words never spoken…”He’s a good man Savanna “ 😂😂😂😂😂…
😖😂😭😭😭😭😭
That’s right on time!! 😂😂💯
😂😂😂😂😂 Right
Why did I hear this in her voice
Please do a part two on this!
I swear we need it. Please a part 2 and a lot longer.
a SERIES. we can have this conversation weekly lol
@@IAmJustR I think we just found his next show
This is one of your best videos! This needs to go viral.
Sigh... I’m struggling with the affectionate part. I know my parents loved me, but they didn’t love up on me or hug me. I try to explain to my boyfriend I love him to death, but I’m struggling to be more affectionate. You preaching tonight Nessa!
I find saying I love you hard and never come natural. But I never got that nurturing. So it is forfeit. But I trying to say it more
@@MM-ng5wc me neither... seems simple, but it’s so not. We’ll get it through it though ❤️
Try standing behind him and hug him, with his arms at his side, not touching you at all for a minute or two . Let it be about you controlling your level of comfort for the affection. Try to do it on a daily basis. It might seem weird at first. You'll know you've made progress once it takes you longer to, or you don't want to, let go. (I hope it works for y'all)
@@MsRe313 Been in the same situation with my bf, he didn’t show affection, while I was at the other end. So it felt like rejection. I had learned to be patient, but I say this to ppl, if you are in a relationship, work on it, but work on it and yourself before getting into one because you will suffer and make the other person more. Affection not reciprocated cam hurt and be emotionally damaging.
@@MsRe313 thanks sis!!!
Needed to be said! Funny my son and I were having this same conversation the other night. He's a cop and works in a pretty rough neighborhood. All story short, I hurts his spirit when, he see black people not wanting more, better for themselves or there child/ children. He gets cursed out alot, called a sale out, you name it, he's called it.
The older people in the area, they try with the young kids and there parents. But, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink from it.
Well said, we need to open our minds, hearts and do better. Unlearn, and learn correctly!! God bless 🙌
This was your BEST video to date!! Your videos are always dope, but this one was ON POINT!!
Absolutely!!
I agree with your post. This was needed for the community.
Yesssss Queen, got me straight together lol
I’ve realized lot of the things I learned is the result of generational trauma…the first step was acknowledging the inherited brokenness and then work on changing the trajectory toward healing and self-love….it’s work but it’s possible.
Funky…. I’m with you when your right doll…
“Rejecting the parts that’s not serving us”….facts!
Speak that truth and don’t apologize for telling the truth. We as black ppl really need to unlearn these bad habits that we were taught as children, they didn’t know any better!! But we do!! Great talk 🥰
This message is so relatable. Especially when you said your daddy always said "save your money", so true and they never used the word "invest" but I know they didn't know better. I wish I had the knowledge I have now at least 10 years ago. Now I am raising my child to save and invest from a young age. I will also never hit my child, not necessary.
You need money to invest. It's not easy 😕
@@yobiwolrd07 - trust me, all you need is $5 and you can start. That’s a huge misconception, we don’t need thousands or even hundreds to invest.
I felt that credit card thing!!!! Listening to my mom jacked my credit up!!!!!!!
First she told me to pay the minimum then she told me to close them out. I literally eliminated over 7k in credit and closing them is what tanked my credit. I couldn't even get a target store card. I was so confused but in my mid 20s I learned what happened.
Keep the cards open. Don't close them!!!!
So eye opening ! Let’s keep having these conversations.
Y’all its worth the listen! I can honestly say as a younger person yet still an 80s baby; he right! I was working through this same stuff he talked about while I was in grade school the way society works. The way a person should feel at being themselves and wanting to be happy! I believe that’s the first step to owning who you are and not what you have been tough! The black sheep’s of the families in the best way possible was ahead of there time! Moved different I.E. the ones dating outside their race, the going the extra mile staying at school not wanting to go home, the reader! Finally, If you wanna be somebody, if you wanna go somewhere; you better wake up and pay attention! So simple yet so profound!
Yesss!!! I’m in therapy unlearning a lot of stuff now that I picked up from family, friends, and the culture and my community.
I’m not black but my daddy (God rest his soul) also taught me terrible financial habits. He never made enough money so we’re always them poor white family in the hood. Lights always cut off, rent always late but some how barley made it month to month. As a woman now in my forties, so many of these traits had to be unlearned. This is an interesting topic, thank you for the morning thoughts!
I’m glad you spoke. It’s not just a “black thang”
@@msflygurl3760 Thank you. I knew as many poor white families as black. It’s definitely a human issue, not a race issue.
Joey Villagracia..because he is a black person speaking on our experiences seeing it first hand, I think Caucasians could benefit from unlearning a lot of things that they were taught also.
@@angeebb3080 You are 💯 on this point! I can think of a few us who need to relearn some shit. However there many of us out there who grew up with black folks. But just because I did, I know very well our experience is not the same as yours, I’m not blind. Any white person whom grew up in the hood, I felt many of our financial struggles were identical. I was a kid in the 80’s in Los Angeles and mean down town. All of us neighbors often shared food or because we lived by skid row, sometimes free food would be given out so us kids would get it when things got really bad.
So needed this message. We often times get offended and scared when we have to learn and reveal the TRUTH about ourselves. Thanks for making this video it's time for a happy and healthy life.
YEP, IT IS CALLED BEING ACCOUNTABLE!!
This truly helped my entire soul. I had been struggling. Not wanting to seem disrespectful but damn. I am 46. At what point do I have to defend my choices for my own happiness. Thank you for this confirmation Q
So true! We've been conditioned that its disrespectful to choose ourselves. I'm 40 and still struggling..
One of the best decisions I ever made was leaving the public school system as a special education teacher…EBD=16 years. I was stressed out and developed late onset Epilepsy. I kept feeling like it was time to go but bills 💸 . So 4/22/19 I had a seizure at work. I made up my mind that night that my life is too precious to go out like that over some “good insurance” and that once a month pittance. I resigned the next day. My WHOLE life fell apart but 2 years later here I am 60 lbs lighter, minimal stress, happily single after 20 years of “thats how i was raised”, and now I am NOT struggling financially. Do what makes your soul happy. Tell the fear, “Silencio Bruno” and turn your light ALL THE WAY UP. Ipy Love will guide you to exactly where you need to be. Black People i love US so much, We just need to believe in OURSELVES.
What hit me the most was the affection and letting ppl hug me and touch me and the birthday thing too.
Talk that!! Just had this conversation with my therapist! These toxic traits need to be unlearned! Momma, Grandma, Grandad had bad traits too! Let’s keep having these conversations!
In the process of unlearning right now & I'm 30. Once you get tired of being tired, and wonder why things aren't working. It's definitely time to change some things!!
Definitely trying to unlearn the feeling of being not enough and living with a scarcity mindset. Eating as well for me!
PREACH! MOST OF US ARE DYSFUNCTIONAL AF & in this day & age there's no excuse to UNlearn ignorant behavior! ❤️
When I stopped eating meat, my mother asked me who I thought I was and added that I wasn't brought like that. When I graduated she didn't say nothing, couldn't even bring herself to say congratulations without prompting..I mean..my own mother.
I KNOW THE FEELING!!! SHE IS VERY MIRSEABLE AND JEALOUS OF YOU!!! KEEP YOUR DISTANCE!!
AND CONGRATULATIONS!!! ✨✨✨ 🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉
@@CSelmore86 awww@Shun, thank you.
FD, this was so good. My mother was angry every day of her life also. It took a lot of therapy and self improvement for me to unlearn the crap that was handed to me.
Mine too! I thought it was normal
I thought it was just me. I thought my mother hated me because I looked like my dead beat biological father.
Yep mines too, yelling all damn day long.
NESSA GIRL WHEN YOU CALL I ANSWER, I ain’t missing no calls boo!
Say it again sis!!! I hopped on the line quick, fast, and a hurry!! LOL
Not naan call im missing! Always picking up da line
Not narra call will I miss! 🏃🏽♀️💨
Omg!! When I tell you I NEEDED TO HEAR THIS!!! WOW...I'm literally in tears smh I've been so miserable with life, my job, and just so angry sometimes for no reason I didn't realize I've been doing this shit to myself! And I agree it's generational!!! What I saw and was taught as a child is now what I've become! Omg Q!!! thank you so much for this!!
This nearly brought me to tears because I grew up being blamed for everything that went wrong and I couldn’t ask my parents for help because I was “asking for too much” or “causing problems” so now I walk around feeling guilty for everything and feeling like I’m a burden to people. This is one of the many traumas I have to unlearn after 22 years of abuse and toxicity from my parents. Please make a part two or continue this discussion 🙌🏽
I can agree. Me and my husband just agreed for me to let my job go. We got this big ass house, nice cars and all that. But my job has made me so miserable I can’t enjoy nothing around me cause I leave work MAD every damn day. Everybody around us swear I got a “good” job.
We need to stop using breaking generational curses as a tag line!!! Facilitate growth and healing. Unlearning behaviors and doing your shadow work (therapy, meditation, journaling, etc…) is what breaks bad behaviors. We joke about it in the internet streets but we have a lot of inbred toxicity that has to go!!!
So true! Plus a disturbing amount of people go to "well what about this" or "what about that" or "they don't have to deal with xyz". At this point, I'm saying if you like where your life is and don't want to change DON'T!!! Or if you're good with being miserable keep doing what you doing. Your misery doesn't impact anybody in these CZcams streets. I choose to continue to learn, grow and improve 🙂
@@teachertx facts on facts!!! 🙏🏽