Quieting Your Inner Critic: Real Self-Care, Self-Soothing and Self-Regulation - Terri Cole
Vložit
- čas přidán 6. 06. 2024
- When we think about boundaries, we often think about how we relate to others.
But what about boundaries with ourselves?
How we relate to ourselves is just, if not more important, than how we relate to others. We need to get clear on our relationship with ourselves first, which is why this episode is all about strengthening internal boundaries: self-talk, self-regulation, self-care, self-soothing, and self-love.
Grab the guide for this episode here: www.terricole.com/quiet-your-...
Want to learn more about how to have healthy boundaries? Check out my signature 9-week program, Boundary Boss Bootcamp: terricole.com/boundarybootcamp
Time Stamps
0:00 - Introduction to internal boundaries
2:33 - Navigating negative self-talk
5:00 - Empowering yourself
7:07 - Self-soothing
8:40 - Holding yourself accountable
9:36 - Taking care of yourself
10:58 - How do you talk about yourself?
12:21 - Take action
If You Enjoyed This, Watch These Videos
• Build Unshakeable Self... - Build Unshakeable Self-Confidence With These 5 Tips
• Can't Trust Yourself? ... - If You Struggle to Follow Through, Watch This
• 6 Ways to Get Empowere... - 6 Ways to Get Empowered & Reclaim Your Life
• How to Build Self-Wort... - How to Build Self-Worth
• 5 Powerful Self Love P... - 5 Powerful Self Love Practices For When You Feel Unworthy
About Terri Cole
Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist, global relationship and empowerment expert, and the author of Boundary Boss-The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen and (Finally) Live Free.
For over two decades, Terri has worked with a diverse group of clients that includes everyone from stay-at-home moms to celebrities and Fortune 500 CEOs.
She has a gift for making complex psychological concepts accessible and actionable so that clients and students achieve sustainable change. She inspires over 450,000 people weekly through her blog, social media platform, signature courses, and her popular podcast, The Terri Cole Show. For more, see www.terricole.com/
Connect With Me
Instagram: terricole.com/ig
Community: terricole.com/fbg
TC's VIPs: terricole.com/membership
Newsletter: terricole.com/newsletter
Resources
Boundary Boss Book: amzn.to/44DZID9
The Boundary Boss Workbook: amzn.to/3Ra7CRU
Insight Timer: insig.ht/cpKnbJB4KDb (I have a bunch of free meditations on here and love this app!)
BetterHelp: betterhelp.com/terricole
I’m not currently taking any new one-on-one therapy or coaching clients, but highly recommend using BetterHelp to find a therapist that fits your needs. As a team, we have fully vetted BetterHelp's resources.
www.terricole.com/gethelp/ -- If you are in a crisis or any other person may be in danger the resources on this page can provide you with immediate help.
Please note: If you choose to sign up for BetterHelp or Insight Timer or buy through my Amazon links, I will receive a commission. Please know that I only recommend services and products that I know & trust.
#terricoleshow #boundariesmatter #boundariesarehealthy #settingboundaries
How is your relationship with yourself? Do you have an inner mean committee constantly talking negatively about you? Download the guide here for all the tips and exercises on quieting your inner critic: www.terricole.com/quiet-your-inner-critic-guide
This hits home. I have struggled my whole life with feeling worthy of taking up space in group conversation and usually don’t share much in meetings or gatherings. Usually because my inner critic tells me “ugh who cares about what you have to say! You are not as important, charismatic, or charming as others. You are boring and dumb!” After having my PPD with my first born I decided to join a mom support group with my second born as a proactive step to prevent PPD . Despite feeling extremely uncomfortable taking up time to speak and share my struggles as a mom, I knew it would be healing . I have successfully spoken at three meetings. The moms in the group have been super sweet, validating, and helpful. I finally figured out that I don’t have to be charming, charismatic, or an entertaining speaker to be allowed to take time to share my thoughts. I do still struggle to feel that I am worthy of sharing in a group conversation. However, at every meeting it gets a little bit easier in my internal critic gets a little bit quieter.
This makes me so happy to hear. Thank you for sharing your experience, Karen ❤️❤️
Yes I struggle on all these levels. I do my own head in.
So true, how we tend to think about
our boundaries in relation to others~
So vital to consider our
internal-boundaries first & foremost.
Love this talk Terri. 💖
I'm so glad you enjoyed it! 💕
mental health is always as I say is the Angel of Mercy😢
Thank you
❤️
Hi Terri, thank you for empowering us with your videos. If you are willing to take requests, I have 3 topics I'd love to watch a video on. The first two are topics I haven’t yet seen any expert address:
1. Setting boundaries with ageing parents who are not fully independent anymore (e.g. a parent with dementia) vs a parent who is capable but makes you feel they need you all the time.
2. Boundaries with special needs family members. My brother is highly functioning autistic. Where is the line between assisting/advising him, and staying on my side of the street.
3. Caring about what people think of us and putting huge value on the opinions of others. I'll put boundaries in with my completely boundariless inlaws and then will be on the receiving end of comments like I'm controlling of my husband, I don’t know the meaning of family, etc. Their expectation is to visit their adult children 7 days a week. I know how to put the boundary in, but their opinions still give me a physical reaction in my body and make me want to defend myself from the lies.
Hey there Tanja- thank you for the requests. ❤️ I'm not sure I can speak to #2 as I don't have experience with it, but I have addressed #1 and #3 before on the channel in broad strokes.
With aging parents, I am always on the side of talking about end-of-life care sooner than later to get plans in place and make sure everyone is on the same page. This way, none of it comes as a shock and no one gets blindsided. If you have siblings, I'm all for beginning that discussion with them, too, especially if you're the one who lives closest and you're worried about having to take on more of the care. I talk about it at the end of this video: czcams.com/video/og1ncNNSVWc/video.html
I also have another video about parents and boundaries here: czcams.com/video/obdyTUYkGpQ/video.html
You can always set boundaries with love. If your parent is fully capable but is lonely or struggling, you can let them know, "Hey, I understand you feel like you need help with X/Y/Z, and while I would love you help you, it is putting a lot of pressure on me. I'd like to make a simple request that..." and offer another solution. Maybe it's hiring help, maybe it's asking a neighbor if one is available, maybe it's setting specific days you'll go over there, or maybe it's calling another sibling. Speak your truth with kindness. Your parent may still get upset because you are changing a well-worn dance with them, and they may not like the change, but their reaction is their side of the street, not yours. Hopefully compromise is possible.
#3 is tough, and I feel you on that. With in-laws, it's really up to our partners to set boundaries for the family as it does tend to backfire on us. What does your husband think about their wanting to visit every single day? Is he willing to speak up? I think it's completely normal to feel the way you do in response to their accusations, but I have a video that addresses the emotional roller coaster of setting boundaries here, in case it helps: czcams.com/video/a-A3aGzGb2Q/video.html
If you haven't yet, I'd also invite you to check out my book, Boundary Boss, which goes into more detail about boundaries. It's available at libraries in case cost is an issue. ❤️
@@terri_cole Thank you for the detailed response and all the links! With the in-laws, I didn't want to go into too much detail in my comment but this was our dance for the first few years, until my husband became very good at setting boundaries. We have since even emigrated (not because of them).
He did not want them arriving unannounced or taking over our entire weekend. He likes his own space. But it took time to get there. When I met him we were "expected" to attend at least 3 dinners a week with his parents and siblings for a few years (I had no boundaries) and we were in our 30s.
But it was never enough for them, even though I gave up all my routine and free time trying to please them. I would still get hurtful comments that they hardly see him because of me, he doesn't care about them anymore because of me, etc. My husband would put in boundaries but they blamed me, and still do, for every single decision he makes. However, overall they respect us a lot more now than they did when we had no boundaries - they just make a lot of nasty comments about me to extended family - some of whom think it's appropriate to tell me.
While my husband is better at putting in boundaries, I still sometimes feel I should have the right to stand up for myself when he doesn't. For example, my SIL's husband won't greet me after 9 years because I took his best friend away. Can I not just call him out on that directly? Or politely ask my MIL or FIL to hang a load of laundry when they visit for 2 weeks and don't leave the couch?
Your book was great. I have already bought it!
Thank you for the additional context, Tanja! It seems like you have your own relationship with your husband's family now, and it seems healthy to communicate directly to each member of the family when you feel hurt (while doing so with kindness and respect, especially since they will be in your life for however long). However, it seems that you and your husband may need to renegotiate boundaries between the two of you and decide what to do in those situations.
For example, if your husband isn’t comfortable with you speaking up about the laundry or about your brother-in-law, then you can decide that he is responsible for speaking up about it. But if that’s the decision, then it’s important that you both agree and both hold him accountable for it. Additionally, if speaking directly to your in-laws hasn’t yielded the desired results or boundaries, maybe it’s time for him to do all the communicating and boundary setting. It may not be the time for that, but it’s important that he takes responsibility for the bulk of these boundaries and stands by you.
I hope that helps 💕
@@terri_cole Thank you so much!
❤ el felicitarme por mis logros y verme con mirada de compasión y amor, ha sido una gran enseñanza de tu canal, Terri. Ahora me señalas el camino para poner más limites personales de autocuidado, poniendo atención a las decisiones diarias que me llevan a lugares que no están en mis sueños más profundos. Gracias mil por esta sabiduría que nos compartes. Que tengas un excelente día, y te lo digo viendo todo lo que escribí en mi diario a raiz de este hermoso video tuyo.
This warms my heart, Gregaria ❤️ I'm so glad my videos continue to be helpful for you in your journey!
What a great video! Learning how to regulate my emotions has really enhanced my life and helped me feel more in control. Thank you Thank you!!
💜same
Love hearing that 💕
This information is so valuable, Terri! Thank you very much!!
I'm glad you found it valuable, Marilyn 💕
Been struggling for years with the remnants of these insidious committees of analytic nonsense in learning to live without.
Thank you 🤍🌅
I see you 💕
Thank you for your lovely and practical advice ❤
Thanks Terri 😊 your information and ideas are so important for healing past wounds. I ❤️ your voice, cadence and your words. So helpful ❤
Thank youuuu 💕
If I could even reduce this 10% that would be huge!
I believe you can ❤️
My inner critic just goes between worry and criticism
I see you and feel you 💕
@@terri_cole 🕎💕🕯️
What a beautiful and intelligent women. You are stunning!
Hi Terri, i wonder if you have done something on healing your subconscious mind? I grew up humilated and shouted at. I was a parents pleaser and now it is hard to break the cycle. I ended up in toxic job and relationships. I read your book but i am still struggling 😢
I am witnessing you with compassion 💕 A lot of what I talk about is raising awareness of unconscious thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors. These are two videos I've done on shame that might resonate: czcams.com/video/XotG4cdwDWA/video.html & czcams.com/video/eyFHaeLTitY/video.html
There is also this one on the impact of childhood neglect: czcams.com/video/GF_24BNdR2o/video.html I hope those help xo