How to Handle GRIEF and GUILT | Mentally STRONG
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- čas přidán 1. 11. 2021
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The reason why it's so important to organize your thoughts and feelings, which the Mentally STRONG Method has a great structure to do so, is that one emotion often is linked to or brings up other emotions. Often these feelings need to be dealt with in different ways. Grief can bring on guilt, watch now to see how to handle both and when they come hand in hand.
Dr. B has recently lost (December 2021) her precious daughter Miah, after this video was originally released. She is sharing her grief journey publicly in the hope that it will help others with their journeys. www.mentallystrong.com/grief
Dr. B here from Mentally STRONG!
October 30th was the anniversary of my son's death from DRPLA. That was Reggie. I lost a son Johnny in 2005 in a tragic drowning accident.
I need to make sure that I continue to take care of myself, and I want to turn that pain into purpose, but it has to be a conscious process. So, we're going to start this grief series.
Today I want to focus on guilt around grief, you know I hear this a lot when people are talking about grief and you'll notice I'm grabbing this, these are Reggie’s ashes that I wear with me and you know, there's sometimes guilt, shame, anger around a grief and this is why it's so important when we're teaching the Mentally STRONG Method is that we help you to separate these things.
I'm going to tell you about guilt today. The guilt of “could I have done something different? What did I do wrong? Could I have changed the outcome of that day?”
The day that Reggie passed I can honestly say as a nurse that his death that day was my fault. This is where it is so important to separate these things. In the grief and the decisions and the choices, it's OK to acknowledge something that you did wrong, but if I would have just sat and ruminated on what I'm about to tell you for the last five years. I would probably be suicidal, honestly. So, we have to make a choice. The ways of how we organize these things in our brain and what we do with them.
The night Reggie passed away he wasn't breathing well. Every time I go to the hospital, they never are able to do anything for him. He has really bad days and really good days and so I just thought it's a bad day. I didn't know that something bigger was going on. I typically have really good assessment skills. Like when somebody is not breathing right, that is always an emergency. What the heck was I thinking? I didn't call 911 until his saturations were going down and I couldn't get them back up. When the paramedics walked into Reggie's room, they knew that he was slipping fast. They immediately began CPR. I couldn't believe it. I was so wrong. I walked away, and I started praying. The paramedic asked me to call it, asked me to tell them to stop doing CPR on my own child. I couldn't do it. I'm a Nurse Practitioner, I've worked in emergency rooms, I've worked in jails and I missed the signs that my son couldn't breathe and was dying.
So, acknowledge if you did make a mistake.
Forgive yourself.
And allow yourself to grieve the loss.
You’ve got to figure out how to acknowledge and let it go. I think people are afraid to let it go because you know they feel like it's factual. They feel like everything around it is true. Even if it that's the case, you've got to let go of it emotionally in order to move on.
When we talk about the Mentally STRONG Method: Think, Organize, Choose. You can think about that, analyze where you went wrong, you've got to organize it. Put the grief in the right box. Put behaviors and choices in the right box. We are never going to do everything right.
You've got to let go of the emotional baggage, that weight that is on you in order to move forward.
So, grief and guilt.
Try to separate them.
The grief, you have to feel that pain.
The guilt, you have to forgive yourself and this is why:
I truly believe in empowering everyone to be able to confidently say “I am Mentally STRONG.”
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Dr. Cristi Bundukamara, Ed.D, PMHNP-BC --- A Psychiatric Mental Health Nurse Practitioner and a Doctor of Healthcare Education has experienced unimaginable trials that have caused many feelings such as depression, anxiety, anger, & overwhelming stress.
However, she has developed a new pathway to becoming Mentally Strong & Choosing to be Happy. With purpose, Dr. B has developed the phases that were refined within the Mentally STRONG Method that she created and wants to share with you.
I even don't know how to thank you for this video. It was so important to hear these words
I am so glad to hear this, I'm glad it was helpful, and I am so deeply sorry for your loss
thank you for this video. my wife died very suddenly 16 months ago. before her death she would complain to me about dizzy spells and heart palpitations. i would tell her to phone the doctor and get it checked, i had no idea what was going on in her body and what was about to take her life. if i had just a small idea of what was going on i would have phoned the doctor myself or taken her to the hospital, instead she died of a pulmonary embolism and i blame myself. i understand how you feel. sending love from the UK
Feeling completely blinded to a situation is how I feel about the loss I’m experiencing.
Everyone's grief journey is unique and it is quite normal to feel lots of different ways, and what I've found is many times there are layers to grief.
I am experiencing the same pesently, I pray the intensity has lessened for you. 🙏.
"We never get over it, we learn to live with it", was the most helpful information I found.
Thank you DR. B. You are extremely correct about feeling suicidal. I have endured the same. Thank you- you have been the most helpful and truthful individual on grief. So real.
Thank you for sharing, please reach out for help when you are feeling that way. I'm glad that this could help you in some way!
You are so strong and brave to tell this , to help other people. You dont even know how important you are. I feel like you were the message that I didnt even know I needed. I hope you all the best and blessings ❤
Thank you so much for your kind words. Your support and understanding mean a lot. I'm grateful to be able to share and help others. Wishing you all the best and many blessings as well. ❤🙏
I have learned that guilt is often a way to avoid feeling helpless and it's a way that we convince ourselves that we had more control than we did/do.
The reality is that we have no control over when someone dies. If they are actually going to die, there's nothing we can do to prevent it. Once they're at the end of that life cycle, there is no amount of love, prayers, miracles, logic, guilt, anger, bargaining.... none of it can prevent this truth and fact of life from happening. It's a stark reminder that we've never really been in control all along and that control is an illusion. I think for some of us, to feel angry and/or guilty is a lot easier than to feel helpless in the face of something so permanent and final.
In a world where loss, grief and death is inevitable, we sure do our best to avoid talking about it and thinking about it and I think if we were more up front and honest about this fact of life that it would be less taboo and easier to process when it happened and less shocking.
I remember as a child becoming very aware of the fact that we would all die someday and in a panic I went to my aunt and said "oh my God I'm going to die!!!" While good intentioned, her response was not helpful, as she said "no you're not honey, you're not going to die".
I began to argue with her and say "yes I will. someday I will die."
She chuckled and said yes but that will be a long time from now so don't worry about it. This was pretty much the standard response from all adults and I never really got to prepare for it now at 42 years old I'm still absolutely terrified of not only my own death but all of those beings that I love.
You've touched on some profound truths about grief, guilt, and the inevitability of death. It's true that guilt can sometimes serve as a way to feel a sense of control in situations where we are profoundly helpless. Accepting that we have no control over the timing of death is incredibly difficult, and it can be easier to focus on feelings of guilt or anger rather than confronting that helplessness.
In our society, the avoidance of discussing death can indeed make it more shocking and difficult to process when it happens. Honest conversations about death, grief, and loss could help normalize these experiences and provide better emotional preparation for the inevitable.
Your childhood realization and the responses you received highlight a common societal discomfort with death. While meant to comfort, such reassurances can sometimes prevent deeper understanding and acceptance.
Facing these fears as an adult, it might be helpful to explore supportive environments where open discussions about death are encouraged, such as grief support groups or counseling. Embracing the reality of death can be a way to find peace and live more fully in the present, cherishing the time we have with our loved ones. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and insights. 💜
@@CristiBundukamara Thank you for the thoughtful responses. It can truly be such a difficult time but content like this, support groups and counseling can really make those difficult days a lot more bearable. I pray that we all find healing and peace soon. 🙏💛
7:34 My heart goes out to you for the loss of Johnny and Reggie. I think that when it came to Reggie you were in such deep denial because you just didn't want to accept that you could lose this beautiful person. Even when we know our loved ones are sick and near the end we cling to any good moment that they have and we use that as an indicator that it's just not time yet that it can't possibly be time yet. I'm so sorry for your losses. My heart breaks for you
Thank you so much for your compassionate words. Denial can be a powerful part of grief, especially when we are holding onto every precious moment with our loved ones. Your understanding and empathy mean a lot during these difficult times. My heart goes out to you as well. 💔🙏
My circumstances were very similar. However, I believe our days are numbered. I believe if God wanted my son to live, the EMTs would have revived him.
I love and miss you Blake.9/7/21
Loki, I'm so sorry for your loss
Feel this similar feeling
My mother passed at 91 while still living at home alone (which she insisted on). She had called me a couple of times one evening and I could tell she wasn’t quite her normal self. She wanted me to come over but I was planning a trip out of town so I asked my brother to check on her. Although he told me he was going over right away, he put it off for two days and found her dead in the bed. She had died maybe 6-8 hrs. before he arrived.
I know I should have taken it upon myself to check on her. I knew intuitively that she needed someone there. But it put my mind at ease knowing that my brother was going over, but he went two days later than he said. By then it was too late. I will always have guilt feelings about ignoring the warning signs. It may not have made any difference in her case, but I’ll never know.
I'm truly sorry for the loss of your mother, and for the weight of guilt you carry. It's natural to question past decisions during such difficult times, but it's important to remember that you made your choices based on the information you had at the time. Your mother's independence was important to her, and you ensured she had support. It's impossible to predict how things might have turned out differently, but please be kind to yourself.
If you're looking for support to help process these feelings, the grief course at the Mentally Strong Academy could offer helpful guidance: mentallystrongacademy.com/course/grief/. My thoughts are with you.
Thank you so much / you hit on the nail / your words helped a lot / again thank you so much
You are so welcome
so true, lost my husband 2/20 suddenly and i now see signs looking back and i feel like this could be prevented 😢😢😢
I am so sorry for your loss, please be gentle with yourself and make sure to take the time to grieve.
I want to give you a huge hug for this video
Thank you, I am determined to turn my pain into purpose
I know this pain you are speaking of. Similiar situations different causes. Guilt is a demon that still tries to steal away my joy whenever it sees an opening. But for what? NEITHER YOU NOR I WERE EVER GIVEN THE AUTHORITY TO TAKE SOMEONE'S LIFE. NO ONE IS EVER GIVEN THAT. Each one of us has God directly our lives at all times (breathing, heartbeat etc.). There is NO ONE outside of us that is responsible for anything because that would create victims. There are no victims. ONLY LOVE moving forward. Your Reggie and my daughter lived their own paths until the end. This was planned before their journey on earth began (and yours as well). Guilt and its cousins only takes root when we live from a divided/separated consciousness. We see God as outside of us and we diminish his power. Your son is still ALIVE, just not with a physical body. Just because we are so limited in this section of the electro-magnetic frequency scale, we can't see them but there are right here. WHERE ELSE IS THERE TO GO? Our senses are fine tuned and can't pick up their frequency. But often we do...when we are living love (because that's the frequency they are in now)...we suddenly might say "I feel Stephanie right now." They are often trying to reach through to us and we feel this as emotion and go into grief...when they are just poking us to be happy. GOD is always in control and you did not move on things because you were not supposed to. It was his chosen time to go and please just honor him and his chosen time. DON'T TAKE THAT AUTHORITY FROM HIM as though God suddenly stripped him of his own authority to choose and put you in charge of when he transcends this veil. He chose his time just as you and I and my daughter and everyone else. Let us honor their choice rather than demean it and try to make it something it is not.
I just found you today but will be following. My pain is still very raw and you have helped. I hope I have helped you too. You are such a beautiful, authentic person who is not afraid to tell her story truthfully. That you tell it will heal you.💜 My adult daugther did not like going to the dr.s We were too late. Guilt. But with a change in perception, I see things differently. I see my daughter stepping across the veil at home in her bed, her comforrt zone, only me in the house with her (until the crew arrived)...where she would have wanted to be! Yes the crew arrived and no she did not revive. nor go in any vehicle. She was watching over me by the time they started working on her because she knew that I would need great comfort. Those leaving are released and happy to move forward in their evolutionary journey. Let's let go and let God. There is only ONE WILL being done at all times. Don't separate anymore...just see ONE. (I've studying metaphysics and related topics for 50 years, have a book on Amazon and a blog that addresses immortality.) We are here to help one another. Blessings my beautiful friend. 💞
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Please don't call it a mistake (heavy duty negative talk). Own your day and your role (yes, you chose that role before coming to earth in conjunction with him. If he chose to go this way, then you had to act in the way you did, otherwise his plan does not work. There is a higher power at the controls. That is the WILL OF GOD. If it was his chosen time, there was nothing that would have prevented it. However, the end lesson is SELF-LOVE AND THAT IS WHAT YOU TEACH. It is the lesson behind all experiences in life. And it seems you expanded that self-love when you saw past your supposed guilt. Possibly that was Reggie's gift to you...an expansion of your LOVE of self through the experience he provided you. You guys made a pack. You helped him transcend the veil and move forward in his evolutionary journey and he helped you grow self-love. Beautiful. Self-love is the key to immortality. Self-love is the greatest love we can give and the greatest love we can receive. It is self perpetuating and Eternal.
There are two sides to everything in life...just like two sides to a coin. We are in the physical, they are in spirit form. THEY ARE ALIVE. Life is what is real, death is the illusion. Two sides of the coin. I am working on developing higher senses, beyond my physical senses to be able to communicate better with Stephanie. ONE WILL ALWAYS COME BEFORE TWO. Before our minds separate love into two - good and bad, there is only ONE/LOVE. Just live in LOVE for it is always in charge. (let go of your mind thoughts, they are not your friends.) You guys have lived many lives together before and will find one another again. A love so great is never separated.
Thank you deeply for your heartfelt words and for sharing your perspective on grief, guilt, and the journey of healing. I can feel the depth of your understanding and the wisdom you've gained through your own experiences.
Your insight about self-love and the lesson behind all experiences in life resonates deeply with me. Through this process, I've come to realize the importance of self-compassion and acceptance, as well as the significance of cherishing the moments we shared with our loved ones.
I'm genuinely touched by your compassion and support. Connecting with others who have experienced similar losses reminds me that I'm not alone on this path of healing and growth.
May we all find strength and love on this journey, knowing that we are forever connected to our loved ones. 💜🙏
This comment is truly golden. I appreciate you sharing this.
Your video really me tonight..i lost my mom on the 21st of January's 2024 she was 68..she was suddenly sick one Saturday..some vomiting she had and a pain in her tummy and i noticed her breathing was a bit short..i thought it was just a regular illness maybe the flu or something she ate..id asked her that day did she want a doctor but she said no..I went and got her some food shopping that day and she relaxed at home at the fire..that night she collapsed and i ran downstairs and found her on the floor unable to breath..i held her and called the ambulance..but she passed in my arms before the ambulance arrived..ive been devestated over her and i couldnt believe it and still dont...kind regards and love from Mark in Ireland x
I am so deeply sorry for the loss you've experienced. Please remember to be gentle with yourself and take the time to grieve.
That is very traumatic experience I wish you well from New Zealand 🇳🇿...
@@suzannealdridge1404 thanks suzanne..I've been blaming myself alot over it..that I should have paid more attention on the day and just rang a doctor anyway even tho she had said no...really I'm in despair these days .I try do a bit of excerise each morning but it doesn't help much...I am gonna start councilling to soon..I dunno if will help. I just long to speak and see my mother from the moment I wake til I sleep. Thank you for the reply I hope your keeping well.. 🙏
@@CristiBundukamara thanks it's tough and I still blame myself alot for not thinking it was that serious that day and ringing the doctor..I'm grateful for your reply
@@tekken278 I Understand where you are, my partner is in the same place as you.
During Grief counseling he was told two things that helped him relinquish guilt and it helped him deal with a deep guilt and trauma of losing a Loved one.
1. We never get over it, We learn to live with it.
2. Write an honest open letter to you're loved one, read it out, burn it, or some ceremony to reluinquish it.
3. Find a Mantra, some words to replace minds torment, we have been doing
Ho oponopono for a decade and helps direct a better thought process for ourself and others. 🙏
My son is in the hospital with a massive stroke and PRE. It has left him blind and not able to communicate. He can't eat so he has a feeding tube. He's almost like a vegetable. My heart is broken. I go through periods where I'm numb and period of anxiety attacks. They are moving him to a nursing facility this week. I fought every step of the way for him. I'm also an RN.
I'm deeply sorry for your son's condition; it's an incredibly difficult situation. Remember to take care of yourself amidst the challenges and know that you've been doing everything you can to advocate for him. Sending you strength and support during this time.
Why we always remember few bad things done to deceased person (mother) instead of lot of good things. very heave burden of guilt. dont know how to handle.
Thank you for sharing your experience, in grief we need to process and cherish. Please don't hesitate to reach out for professional help if needed, I hope this video helped in some way.