How to Draw Boundaries as an Empath or a Codependent - Terri Cole
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- čas přidán 29. 06. 2024
- Do you put everyone’s needs and feelings before your own? So much so, that you find it nearly impossible to draw comfortable boundaries in your relationships or are you afraid that if you do say no or assert your wishes, that you might be jeopardizing the relationship?
Have you ever considered that part of the problem might be the fact that you were never taught how to draw effective boundaries and when you couple that with being a highly sensitive person, you get A BOUNDARY DISASTER?
In this week’s episode, I’m talking to all my sensitive folks - the empaths, the highly sensitive people and codependents, about drawing boundaries and why it’s so difficult for you to do so. Being in tune with other people’s feelings, desires and wants, creates an even greater challenge when trying to create clean, clear boundaries.
Grab the free guide that goes along with this episode on this page: www.terricole.com/how-to-draw... (scroll down until you see the "Download now" button and click that.)
TIME STAMPS:
0:00 - Introduction
2:10 - The different types of boundaries
5:53 - Why it's hard for codependents to set boundaries
7:15 - How to set effective boundaries as empaths and codependents (word-for-word scripts)
9:52 - Why should we set boundaries in the first place?
11:11 - What do "good" and "poor" boundaries look like?
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ABOUT TERRI COLE:
Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist and global leading expert in female empowerment. For two decades, Terri has worked with some of the world’s most well-known personalities from international pop stars to Fortune 500 CEOs. Terri has a gift for making complex psychological concepts accessible, and then actionable so that clients and students achieve sustainable change i.e. true transformation. She empowers over 250,000 people weekly through her blog, social media platform, signature courses, Real Love Revolution and Boundary Bootcamp + her popular podcast, The Terri Cole Show. She is also the author of Boundary Boss-The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen and (Finally) Live Free (April 2021)
CONNECT ON SOCIAL:
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RESOURCES:
BetterHelp: betterhelp.com/terricole I no longer offer one-on-one coaching/therapy sessions but highly recommend using BetterHelp to find a therapist that fits your needs.
As a team, we have fully vetted BetterHelp’s resources. If you choose to sign up for Better Help’s service, I will receive a commission on the referral but please know that I only recommend services that I know & trust.
My book, Boundary Boss: boundarybossbook.com
Boundary Bootcamp, my 8-week signature course, carefully constructed to take you to the next level of empowerment in all your personal + professional relationships using a positive and proactive boundary skillset that no one ever taught you. Until now: terricole.com/boundarybootcamp
www.terricole.com/gethelp/ - If you are in a crisis or any other person may be in danger the resources on this page can provide you with immediate help.
#terricoleshow #boundaries #codependency - Zábava
"When you don't tell the truth about how you feel, you end up really resentful, and people don't know why".
I finally had to go no contact with my mother because of her horrible boundary issues. Her way of thinking was, "I am your mother, and the rules don't apply to me". She said those words to me many times over the years. I am almost 40 years old and I'm finally able to breath and live my life the way I want.
After I draw boundaries,sometimes I feel anxious to follow up with comforting the person and reassurance. I’m learning to let my words stand and let people feel how they feel about them.
I'm cheering you on!! You are not responsible for other people's feelings and reactions. Keep taking care of you mama!!
yes so much this! Every time I'm gonna be "hard" on anyone I always sugarcoat how much the person has actually hurt me and I rewrite the text to make it softer of a blow for the other person... Like... Why am I being nice right now to a person that has hurt me so badly? Why?! It went from "you have used me for years" to "since you have authism maybe you don't understand what you did wrong so I'm gonna explain"... Did you catch that? I made excuses for the person and assumed he must be innocent just because he has authism.... And I always make excuses for this person and I can look back at it now and see how bad it has been! I've treated him like a toddler when he's 26 YO it's insane how much of his behavior I've excused thru the years just because I'm codependent on him! And I think he has come to expect at this point that he can do whatever to me and I will alot of the time excuse it, and that's how it has just escalated that he has put more and more pressure on me until it broke the camels back. He has never expressed concern or said sorry when I have said it's too much right now. Even when I've said I'm seriously stressed out and on the verge of a breakdown he's never reacted to that. His tactic has been to leave me alone for a few days but then weasel his way back in by texting me every day until I answer. Fucking hell I'm so angry with myself that I only now realised how messed up this has been. I can't deal with my own problems but then also deal with all his problems I'm not a robot.
I'm the same way Beth
I do this too!
Me too!
The hardest thing to learn from this is that you do not have to explain WHY you set a boundary. You have the right and if other people respect you, they respect your boundary. If they push and try to manipulate you into explaining, they do not respect your boundary and then you disengage quickly. I struggled with the last one because it didn’t feel “nice”. Eventually I learned being nice was false social conditioning to make me compliant. I learned to let that go.
I have explained everything all my life. I'm 55 and only found out my whole life was a lie and what a Narc was 6 years ago. I've been obcessed but never wanted to accept I was a Co Dep.and a few years ago how highly sensitive I am and why I felt like an outcast and a weirdo. Boundries are such a huge deal for me. I just can't do it with certain people. I never really listened to anything Co Dep. It felt weak and submissive ,I'd rather be a Narc. Now I'm hearing over the last few days everything is from being Sensitive /Co Dep. I can say no if I back it up with an hour explanation usually a lie. I've done it since I can remember. When I don't say where I'm going or what I'm doing to my friends they think Bitch right away. How do you do it if you did , I'd love to know. Thanks
@@lorilee7213 you are not alone ❤️
I'm going to adopt that attitude. " I don't need to explain why I set a boundary w/ someone". I struggle w/ wanting to be "nice" to people too much of the time. Like if I'm eating and someone calls, I don't have to answer the call, even if it's my brother.
@@symphony357 I hear you. I was raised to always put the needs of others first, so learning this has been really painful. But being tough doesn't equal being "mean". I have had to experiment and learn how to be respectful but firm.
I grew up with a wounded mother. All my life I’ve been trying to please her because she’s very demanding and I will get severe backlash if I don’t do what she wants. Co-dependency indeed runs in my family too. As I go into working world, this is what transpires and I become the kind of colleague who takes on the heavy load of everyone’s responsibilities. I’m hoping that one day I’ll get better but the old wounds are really hard to break. Even in my romantic relationships, more often than not, I end up meeting broken men and I’m so heart broken that I dare not to be with anyone. Being alone seems more peaceful with nobody to accommodate.
I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️❤️
I am dealing with boundaries in a much healthier way and my life has improved exponentially in all areas. I had a freind who overstepped all the time. One time in particular, I became aggravated because I specifically told her that I didn’t discuss politics. She kept trying to engage me to no avail. She would say, “I know you don’t discuss politics, but......blah,blah,blah”. Drove me nuts. I simply cut her out of my life.. Another friend” I have known for years used to come into town every now and then and make plans to see me. Four times she stood me up. After the first time though I didn’t take her seriously but I was still talking to her. She had an “good excuse” every time. The last time she did it she sent me a text after she had returned back to her home state and when I didn’t respond, she called me and I didn’t take her call, nor will I ever. I don’t have time for this kind if BS anymore and I am tired of comprising my well being.
I'm witnessing you with compassion and cheering you on for standing up for your boundaries. It is more than ok to say you are no longer available for BS!
I’m a male empath as well. I had a major earth-breaking aha moment while watching your video!
I didn't have healthy boundaries with my family or work because I believed that they were the only people who I could ever receive love and admiration from.
Now I get it from myself first. And hoping to find someone to have a healthy adult relationship with now that I know how to have boundaries.
That’s me too….family full of narcs
@@godzillamanstreb524 virtual hug man shits rough but once you move on so much better
Move on by getting them out your head first
Exactly my situation. I am about to leave everything, just get in my car and drive away from them all.
‘It’s truly an Act of Love.’ Those words just hit me with a major revelation, thank you 🙏🏼
Great video! I’m a male codependent, people pleasing, empath. I’m on a self discovering journey of bettering myself. Thanks for your amazing input!
I'm glad you're here!
Terri Cole Real Love RevolutionTM Thank you. Been on a self discovering mission for around six months now. Glad I found you in this journey of mine! Wonder advice.
Empaths and codependent people need to know the traits of the type 1 sociopaths - those who prey upon them. They will know you more than you know yourself. They cannot feel love, empathy, remorse, or guilt- but are great pretenders. When at war, we need to know the enemy to help win it. When in sports, we need to know our opponent. If a loving, compassionate person, we need to know there are people camouflaged among us who secretly desire to use, control, and manipulate us. More and more therapists are starting to inform their clients about personality disorders, since they are discovering boundary needing people and sensitive, loving empaths are their prey. We can be told to have strong boundaries forever, but it's important to tell us the traits of those who are master boundary crossers and who take great pleasure in breaking them. Thanks for this video. Great tips! Love it!
Such a GREAT point, Daniel! You are so right. I am putting this on my list of topics to cover now so thank you ;)
I struggled for years with this. Counselor would tell me focus on my self...... Narcs need to focus on themselves empaths need to focus on narc to understand they will hurt u!!!!!! If someone would have validated this for me when i was young.... Noone knew...narc family projected so much grap on me.... Omg... Thank god i know now!!!!!
I struggle with this also. These videos have really saved my life lately. I'm now aware more quickly when someone is trying to manipulate me. I was programmed to ignore my intuition from childhood, and also to not set or defend boundaries. I believe this served my NMom and that's why I was taught to ignore my gut and never set boundaries, so she could walk all over me and control me. The only way I can have a healthy life is to trust my body a d maintain solid boundaries. So grateful for these videos
This is so true. I've been studying covert narcissism and boundary setting. Thank God I figured this out!
As sensitive and empathic person, there's a treasure hidden in that condition and that's the ability to know the elephant in the room, the true nature of a person and its tricks of the narcistic trade or other personality disorder.
That is..... once we acknowledge our own nature, the truth of being sensitive and empathic, struggling with boundaries, willing to restore our autonomy, our self-contained sense of value and the affinity within our heart for ourselves. There's a realm of healing where the practice of one's intention (to be autonomous) can be excersized. The lack of safety and the absence of feeling complete, of being whole within oneself, or self-contained in a genuine way, not by mental affirmations, is where the gaps are present in our boundaries. The root-chakra and 2nd chakra are often players in this game of push and pull. Our instinctual reflex is to allow others in our personal space due to the program we've established in ourselves, that we need the presence of another in order to feel loved and secured.
Once we fool that instinctual program by being present ourselves, where others used to step in, we're radiating our boundaries into the world and a narcisistic person will intuitively sense this. Maybe you will be tested and feel the trigger, but the ability to sniff out the danger, or the elephant in the room, plus the decision to act upon it in healthy self-defence, which is an honouring and strengthening of one's self esteem, is turned into a treasure called "discernment" and a rejuvenation of one's spontaneous responsiveness. Overcoming a paralysed state.
The attraction in this polarisation, with a co-dependency on one side and a perpetrator on the other side, is in essence comparable to a void with a magnetic pull present on one side and an agressive drive to intrude on the other side, ready to fill that void. Another way of saying it, is that what's present as pain deep inside a narcisistic person, is mirrored by the co-dependant person, who so longs for acknowledgement that the true nature of a narcisist is overlooked. The neediness overrules the skill of discernment and the ability to say "no", for one's belief is based on a fairy tale that one tells oneself. A delusion as a shield for the pain. The narcisist seeks sublimation for his/her suffering and projects it in the external world. Voila.... there's the exact right person, co-dependant, where he/she can act it out. A perfect match, but not a marriage made in heaven! I've lived this learning curve!
4:40 really resonates. I'm having to draw boundaries for the first time ever with my mum, who I was always very close to, but who made very poor financial choices over the years and is living with the consequences, not taking constructive steps and doing the guilt-trip thing. Which she's never done before. I only recently became aware of this dynamic even existing as I reach full recovery from BPD. Now in my 40s, I'm learning for the first time who I really "am", and that I'd always equated my own needs (and boundaries) with full-blown shame. Your advice is compassionate and very helpful. Thank you!
Wow.
I just discovered your work.
I understood myself and others better when I learned about codependency, emotions and, boundaries on a whole new level from Andrew Kenneth Fretwell's book, Emotional Alchemy: The Love & Freedom Hidden In Painful Feelings
Here is a quote that stayed with me:
"Do you ever find yourself saying "yes" to things you don't really want to do, or feeling guilty about saying "no" to others? This can be a sign of an Earth imbalance within you.
The Earth Phase also has a lot to do with our sense of boundaries - our ability to confidently say "no" and "yes" in a balanced way. When we can calmly decline things that don't serve us, or embrace things that do, we're embodying the qualities of a strong Earth. When boundaries are not clear it is easy to experience disappointment and manipulation."
Very powerful!
Boundaries is respecting yourself and giving respect towards others. But in an abusive relationship, the abuser will isolate the victim and that is NOT establishing boundaries. That is 'isolation' in which there is NO respect for the victim nor for the victim's family and friends. Boundaries allow for balance, balance within ourselves and balance in respect for yourself and for others. Isolation is demanding authority over the victim and and ordering the victim's family to 'respect' the abuser's 'full authority' over his victim. Isolation does not allow the victim to have any contact with their family and friends. Isolation cuts off relationships of love between a woman and her parents, family and friends. Thank you for sharing that boundaries are an act of love.
For people who haven't had good boundaries, they should forget other peoples opinions about them before they have learned to protect themselves.
Everyone seems to think other people are responsible for the consequences of their choices. It was difficult to accept and work through my own, but I have grown from it. I have learned to draw boundaries and it does make me seem like a bitch or selfish. But, I feel that self care is necessary to be a better parent, and my kid comes first.
The part about mental boundaries just exposed me to myself! Sometimes I can not introduce friends that I have made separately to one another because I feel completely responsible for what they say and do (both) as if just knowing them endorses all of their opinions and behaviors. It is so much pressure, and I feel like I am missing out on the joys of my friends meeting, yikes. Can't wait to work on this.
Great wisdom Terri. The line can often become blurred for empaths who naturally want to help and serve others. Better to have this awareness early on as it makes for a happier life and better decision making skills. Thank you
So happy to see you here my friend ;) And yes yes yes I totally agree the earlier the better! xoxo
This powerful talk just taught me that I have NO boundaries. Not one of the things on the list, to say the least😱
Thank you Terri for all you do to share relationship knowledge to us the people. My Husband and I try and watch at least one episode of yours every day just to help us with our own struggles. Cheers 🥂
That makes me so happy to hear 💕 Thank you both for watching!
Hi Terri, I'm a recovering codependent n probably an Empath. I love your videos on boundaries. I thought I needed to see a therapist cos I have practically no boundaries. I'm so happy to find your channel. I really like the way you explain things. You are so articulate n truly gifted. X.
Welcome to my channel and thank you for being here with me!
Boundaries are on top of my "to work on A.S.A.P." list. Thank you for your contribution. I'll have to admit its easier said than done but so is everything and not for that reason we are going to stop trying. I believe this is a day to day process and falling one day doesn't mean we are not going to be strong to enforce our boundaries, the other. Please keep up the suggestions, videos, blogs, etc. They are of great service. Love and blessings, Laura
I grew up not knowing or unaware of boundaries and how to use them. I'm now educating myself
Right on, Andrea!
Just ordered The Boundary Boss Workbook. Oh my word it’s high time I learned this. I am an adult child of an alcoholic and my childhood was insane to put it mildly. It is so foreign to me that saying no is loving. Maybe that shows just how codependent I really am and why I have just broken free of two relationships with true narcissists (ex-boyfriend and female friend). I love your videos and wish I could find a therapist like you! I am so paranoid at this point that I’ve been steering clear of any new relationships until I can heal and learn how not to get entangled with these kinds of people ever again.
Thank you for sharing ❤️ I hope the workbook is helpful for you as you go through this journey!
The first no is the best.
Not taking others baggage and taking care of your own baggage noted...you simplified it for me thank you
OMG...been in a relationship with someone who is very controlling and intense.. I am exact opposite.. super sensitive and maybe a bit codependent. Just discovered your podcasts and all this boundary talk is blowing my mind and helping me so much. Thank yoU!!!!
Yay, Tiffany!! I am so happy my content is resonating with you and will help you get your mental health ON!
Tiffany GET out before you turn into an alcoholic!!!!
haha!! already got out!! thank you!
WHAT AN INCREDIBLE VIDEO! THANK YOU SO MUCH! SO MUCH JUICY INFORMATION AND AWARENESS HERE!
I recently (at 30 years old) realized I have been living my life serving OTHER and UNAWARE of MYSELF and MY OWN PERSONAL BOUNDARIES (and how that has affected every single relationship in my life - unfortunately not for the best!!!). This video completely articulated this new awareness and a great tool to understanding self/boundaries and how it effects our relationships!!!! I wanted to mention the Book : WHAT WE SAY MATTERS: Practicing Nonviolent Communication By Judith Hanson Lasater and Ike K. Lasater...since they talk about Needs and Spiritual Speech which TOTALLY Relates to Communicating Boundaries....ALL about KNOWING ONESELF and creating the LIFE and RELATIONSHIPS we want to bring in.....SO BEAUTIFUL! THANK YOU THANK YOU FOR YOUR WORK!!!!! XOXOXOX
Right on, Krysten!!
Thank you! The issues of boundaries is a big one for me so loving your videos on that.
Thank you for being here, Bree! I am so happy you are finding the vids helpful xo
You are an angel! Thank you for a beautiful work, I have been watching several clips on the youtube and this one from you speaks right to my heart.
Thank you so much for this. This is really helping me with my recovery.
This will be my daily video, until it finally sinks in! Thank you Terri. 🌺
Thank you, thank you, thank you ❤
yep this is a big one for me being a codependent an empath , i only found that out about myself in December 2016 which explains alot of my past experience i was lost an felt alone for years an now learning more of myself an getting guide from your videos an others that i stubble upon in seach for answers i am grateful i found you , i was in 2 narcissistic relationship the last one is what made me go in sarch of what was going on it was hard hurtful but am doing better now. thank to you an others thank you
Louise allan hi i am great hang in there an know your worth!!, this process is very challenging but i can a sure u it gets better don't resist the feeling cry scream eat whatever go with it be gentle with yourself an willing to grow through this process .terri videos helps alot she explains everything clearly onece u understand your role u will feel much better in time love and light
Louise allan check out terri video on narc
Louise allan u are much stronger than u think u have reach this far keep going forward terri have lots of vid that will give u clear insight that will help u get through this join her group if u can you are not alone rember that .love and light
thank you soooooooooooomuch....off the charts
..the exact way I feel...
Terri dear, I LOVE LOVE LOVE your channel! Much love to you! Thanks again ♥️
Thank you so much for your kind words and I love love love that you are here with us!!
I love you so much Terri, thank you.
This is great practical and kindly worded advice, that us empaths can easily put into practice. Thank you
Drawing boundaries with ease and grace. Thank you!
My pleasure 😊
GOD BLESS YOU FOR THIS EXTREMELY HELPFUL VIDEO! xx
You are amazing thank you for beautiful delightful advise! True teacher of wisdom!
Thank you for being here, Jose!
Wonderful video that explains boundaries in plain terms. Thank you Terri 💗 xx
You're welcome!
Excellent video. I found it very helpful. Thank you!
Thank you for making this video.
Thank you so much for this video!!
You are so welcome, Monica!
Love ALL your videos, thank you so much for your generosity and excellent guidance. Terri You are a treasure of loving wisdom and I sincerely appreciate all that you share so freely. 🙏
Thank you SO much for your kind words, Jane 🥰 I'm so happy you're here and I appreciate you!
You are amazing, Terri! Thank you for sharing your wisdom. I look forward to learning more about boundaries in your bootcamp :-D
So glad you are here with us and RIGHT ON for BOOTCAMP!! Starts tomorrow ;)
T be straight forward with you your episode sounds accurate and rational which I love .... I wish you all the best in life
Loved and needed this one!
SO glad to hear it!
Thankyou for this video
Thanks Terri for the cheat sheet 😊 awesome!!! love your channel
Where is the cheat sheet?
Love your videos. Plenty of food for thought and lessons to boot 🙏🏾
Thank you so much for saying so! Please feel free to share on social media!
This is Excellent!!☺
Another good one. Thank you
When you are ready to learn, the teacher appears. Thank you.
❤️❤️❤️
Terry....you are such incredible help to me! You have such a soothing calm voice too! Thank you 💖
You are so welcome!!!
@@terri_cole You are so kind to take your time to respond to me. My name is Mary. I am 64 from Phoenix . I was the oldest of 5 turned little mother by age 9. (Lost childhood) Every day on the razor's edge. In the 50s and 60s everyone ignored mom's outrageous alcoholism...there was no CPS. My wonderful father drank also but he didn't have a problem. The problem was he was passive in dealing w her, and their affluence hid the family secret well.
4 times she was sent to Hazeldon @ Mayos in Rochester...kicking and screaming of course. We loved it because we would have clean clothes and macaroni and cheese as Aunt Margarert came to stay. When we heard mother was coming home we would freeze, our stomachs in knots. Within 24 hrs she was unconscious on the floor with a string of pearls lying through her gaping mouth and an empty vodka bottle nearby. She blamed us for being taken to Hazeldon because she was sent only after she became literally life threatening to us. If we weren't living she could have stayed home trashed. I became an overachieving, caretaking ,people- pleasing ,super nova empath .....I am the severe end of codependency. Would it surprise you I always wanted to be a nurse? LOL🤪.. Sand is
Terrible things happened to me...to all of us. Mainly things that caused scarring humiliation and shame with her displays of drunkenness along with the words and actions to go with it all .She was never warm and fuzzy...no hugs...no "I love yous."...it was all gut grinding fear. I learned to trust no one but myself quickly. Erikson would be so disappointed in me. I am driven to control everything....the old memories of everything so out of control as a kid is terrifying to me. If I perceive things going out of control I get very anxious, but still fight hard to bring things back to my control comfort zone. If I fail I get physically sick with giant hives, Epstein Barr, or aerophagia to name just a few. I take Selexa 40 mg now.
A psychiatrist once told me I have traumaic memories so painful I cannot recall them, they are buried deep in my subconscious mind. He said don't ever let anyone try to bring them to my awareness. ( I believe he meant I may decompensate to a place I may never return from.)
I really appreciate
What you are saying about Boundaries 😊
❤️
Love this.
This is so great🎉🎉 keep up the good work, you are helping me so much😊❤
I'm so glad to hear it ❤️❤️
Love watching your CZcams channel. U r so beautiful inside out. Much appreciated! I have learned so much. As an empath and HSP I need all these!!
Thank you so much!
Super useful video, so clear and great!
Thank you for saying so!
Thanks so much for your videos. One of my issues is dealing with nonstop talkers. How do you politely and kindly communicate to someone you feel overloaded and verbally assaulted by their incessant talking. I feel guilty at the thought of cutting people off because I know how it feels to be cut off especially in your time of need. Growing up I was punished more times than not for speaking up, being punished whether it be receiving shame-provoking comments, getting dismissed, being told I am too sensitive, receiving aggression and having my character criticized therefore speaking my truth is associated with pain by my subconscious. As humans we lean away from things that cause pain and move toward things that feel pleasurable. My weak boundaries are crippling me and my relationships.
Jaclyn H I have the same challenge! I wish she would have answered you!!
@Project AcuHope I so appreciate your taking the time to come up with a solution. I will def try that out next time. Thank you so much.
You have good useable ideas....enjoy watching
Thank you!
Me!! Thank you !
Thanks so much for your wisdom
Glad it was helpful!
Thank you Terr! I appreciate you!
And I appreciate you! ❤️
😊Thank you.@@terri_cole
Excellent thank you
Thanks for the insigths
I absolutely love u thanku so so much ❤
You are so welcome. I appreciate you being here with me.
Great video.
I have a longterm girlfriend who is ignoring her health problems & as a result, now expects her husband & friends to do her tasks & work FOR her. We have just had a conflict because she asked me twice to do her outside house maintenance & each time she asked I told her nicely "No". I find it so outrageous that she asked me to do her labor in the 1st place, then 2nd resent that she became angry with me for saying "No", then 3rd the fact that she had no expectations or anger for our mutual friend for NOT doing her house maintenance either. I truly don't know how I get myself into these outrageous situations.
Witnessing you with compassion Janathena ❤️
Thank you I can see myself as an empath x
Hi Terri, Great video! when you mentioned that having strong boundaries is about not taking responsibility for things that are not yours like feelings and situations and taking responsibility for things that are yours, can you make a video about examples of which is and is not the individuals responsibility? I totally understand what you are saying I just have a ton of real life trouble distinguishing between what is mine and what is not (because I am codependent lol)
Dealing with a whole family of manipulators taught me to have boundaries.The same family is trying the same thing they did 3 years ago.I moved 450 miles away from them and they still try to insert themselves into my life.Its disturbing they still waste their time.I have no time for them and never will again.
vc white I went no contact with my family 2 years ago and couldn’t be happier. I am not responding to any Emails and I have a new mobile number 😊
Your right about that yoyr episodounds accurate and rational
Thank you 😊
You're welcome
Thank you 🙏
You’re welcome 😊
Thank you❤
You're welcome!
Hi Terri, I'm a recovering codependent and im at a point where I'm learning to set boundaries with family members and friends whom I've never had boundaries with before.
Even though It's tough to set boundaries and stick with them, it also feels very liberating.
Unfortunately I keep on getting into arguments with people.. which is making this process a lot harder. It feels like I'm slowly losing people due to my newfound self respect&boundaries.
Is this normal? Is this 'good'?
It would be great to know what you're thinking. Thank you! ☘️
Tiffy,
Thanks for sharing here. Yes -it's normal. When we change the "dance" of our relationships much of the time people don't like it. Stay the course and the flexible relationships will thrive and the less flexible ones may not. In reality, there is no reason for you to argue with anyone about your boundaries. Key thing to remember is that you NEVER have to convince anyone of anything. So if you are arguing because you are trying to convince them you have a right to say no or whatever -please stop. Stay tuned to this channel and join my free facebook group (facebook.com/groups/RealLoveRevolution/) to learn more language for setting boundaries. You are doing GREAT! Keep it up, mama!
Hi Terri . Likewise Tiffy_thecat, I am also having
to deal with setting new boundaries with family members. I have been
slowly for a couple of year been setting boundaries with them. I have 7
siblings so finding it a challenge. They are used to me being there for
them and being the listener but unfortunately they hadn’t been there
for me recently when I was ill after recovering from a friendship with a
narcissist so just pondering on how best to move forward .
You’re losing people who aren’t healthy for you.
tiffy_thecat, my compliments for making efforts to take care of yourself. It's been my experience in life that certain people disappear from it, due to not being in resonance with who I am. Many people have arrived and left my life as well. I now only choose to befriend people who can "get" me and respect me for who I am. I've been a kind of chameleon, adjusting to the energy around me, with others in the room.
I'm not trying to keep myself or others in the room anymore, when I can't feel a true connection. The more I'm a friend to myself, the more I'm at ease with my own company. Though I always choose to communicate and move between people of all walks of life, for it's what I feel serves a healthy sense of reality, plus participation in it. It also offers me a chance to practice self-reflection and discernment, in my encounters with the human kind. I am human!
So glad I found your videos! they are great:)
Thank you for being here!!
I found parts of this helpful, however I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I get repeatedly walked on when I try to set boundaries, it doesn't help that I will actually feel ill physically sick that I set that boundary or said no. Nausea, shaking, guilt, physical pain, horrible headaches that makes the room spin (this isn't an overdramatization) it's so bad that I can feel myself caving in, not just to what is being asked or demand of me, but myself, I feel my soul caving in on me. It is the WORST experience and I'm overwhelmed by fear, guilt, shame, I feel like the worst human alive over something so small. My thoughts turn against me and I think things like 'it won't take that long. Their your family, it's what family does for each other. Etc. I redirect my thoughts to: "No I don't want run an errand. Go grocery shopping cause you simply don't want to go yourself. No, I don't want to waste hours of my time to play a video game to level a charecter because you can't. I respect that you need to communicate with me while you're at work, but I do not like that I have to answer each text from you within minutes, you make me feel like I must be awake when you are, I feel flustered when I can't have a moment to myself, and if you give me that time, it's out of anger and retaliation thus I can't even enjoy it because I feel I'm being punished. I need time also, I need you to respect that." I have sooo much on my plate, I'm overwhelmed and already physically breaking. I try to ride out the sick feeling. My i had 2 cousins die within 2 months of each other one in November 2016 the other in December 2016. I was close to them, I was greving deeply for the loss, in January 2017 I was told I have 3 days to finish greving because they were tired of me being sad. Mind you, I was still fulfilling all responsibilitys as a parent, a girlfriend, a daughter, a sibling, paying bills, housework, homeschooling, caring for pets, etc. During this time of loss. I felt I couldn't really cry or be upset this happened. I started looking for help to learn boundaries, to learn to say no, to stand my ground. I quickly learned, I was so emeshed with everyone else in my life, that I just stopped. I stopped having goals, dreams... I literally had no idea of who I am or what I want out of life. I don't know when it happened that my goals got substituted for each person I'm around and my goals were theirs, my hopes were theirs, my dreams where theirs. I am a ghost. I am no one and I'm everyone else. I don't know how to stop.
I feel you and totally understand what you are describing. It's sounds like the level of codependency is so high that you don't know where anyone else ends and you begin. The dance of codependency is the starting point for you. When you draw boundaries people won't like it, and eventually they will get over it if you stand your ground. It sounds like your life has become one massive TO DO list and you are waiting for someone else to CARE or give you permission to take the time you need to be sane. But they won't and you don't need them to. They said you needed to be done mourning your losses? Who asked them? Why is it anyone else's freakin' business how long it takes you to mourn? This is where drawing the boundary can help. You might have said, "Mourning is very personal. I will know when I have grieved enough. I don't recall asking you you thoughts on my process. Please stop giving me un-asked for advice and criticism." It might also be helpful to go back in time in your life to understand why attempting to draw boundaries is so traumatic. What happened when you were a kid around drawing boundaries? If you can get into therapy, please do-it will help you along this path so much. You deserve to be happy and healthy, mama. I am here cheering you on xo
May I suggest meditating regularly. Just because I found that this gave me more awareness of my self.
You might have an approach and body language that shows submissiveness or fear. Maybe also you have racing thoughts and are even "addicted to thinking" (read Eckhart Tolle)
Summer Bailey - i too have many of these same issues.....weve been enmeshed as you say...i didnt know how to say no....i never realized my own loved ones used me to the full by using my sweet self and not knowing where to draw the line of needing more time for my own children and my needs as well...not knowing myself or what MY NEEDS were....i ALWAYS put others before myself, not realizing i was constantly runnung on empty for myself.....i didnt do it to consciencely to get people to like me i feel...i did it because i didnt have the line drawn of what was too much, or not realizing that people did take advantage of my kind heartedness....l.i believe your overwhelming and ready to explode....hopefully not sweetie, but you sound as though you have had enough...but NOW if you change your behavior...your family will be bewildered and think now NOT that your standing up for you, but that you must be angry with them and that you might need to explain to them whats up and you dont know where to begin....thats me....maybe not you...but i had to start taking care of me for me because i was worn out looking after others that NEVER EVER asked me how I was.....when i was the one feeding their souls...and there was never meanness....only manipulating me where i didnt know how to draw lines of what i will do and what i will not do anymore....i learned i did t need to explain myself because they probable really dont care or like hearing it.....it just puts THEM OUT now that your not the you theyve they've been used to FOREVER........but we learn what works for us and what doesnt work for us anymore as we grow and learn about ourselves and in my case, reflect how much i was enmeshed with each family member and how they knew me better than i knew myself ! Boundries were and still are what ive been learning about myself...what i want/ do t want, who knows how to push my buttons/ knowing i cant feel guilty for their lack of understanding that MY Children need me MORE THAN THEY DO....and so on....♡♡ i am still realizing things about myself ...what i dont want to do for others anymore...what my immediatee family ( husband and kids) need FIRST and then, IF i want, or can devote time to other ADULTS i will...if not, then im learning to feel my feelings of anger and resentment towards them for doing this for years and nit to punish myself for being so loving and caring.....take care of YOU ....MORE and learn about yourself more and what YOU are DONE WITH DOING FOR OTHERS and just keep it up...learning is a constant , and i can tell you How much better im beginning to feel inside.....not keeping all that unknown anger inside myself as i feel you may be doing ♡♡♡ i hope this makes sense to your situation and that it may help somehow.....take care and dont stop working on your BEAUTIFUL SOUL ♡
Summer Bailey I too had the same issues just like you. I'm recovering from Codependency. I used to feel the same emotions like you have described. Please try meditation. It'll help you to discover your true self cos it seems you're enmeshed with other people to a high degree. Spend some time alone, go for walks n turn off your phone. It'll create a boundary by itself. If someone asks why your phone was turned off, lie n say it r n out of battery. Its important for you to spend your time alone, go somewhere you like. I spent a lot of time in solitude reconnecting with my true self. I used to be the family slave, n dumping ground. After a while it'll get easier n easier gor you to say "No" to users n abusers once you reconnect with your true self. You'll instinctively know where you begin n end when with people. Meditation is great. Try just 5 minutes a day or last thing at night if you don't have enough time. Good luck.x.
I think I understand what you're sharing here, SumofAllThings. There's a strong light of awareness shining in you, when I read the last lines in your comment. To acknowledge that you've become a ghost is the starting point of healing, but it's only possible after you choose for yourself. If necessary, 100 % time out of the world filled with people who demand your service to them. Try to make a plan, something completely different, maybe a world-trip, maybe living on your own, choosing a new living area, a whole new life where you can begin sorting out your issues. Your awareness is your saving grace, but you need to learn to act on it, overcoming the programs of others. Seek help and find support that is nurturing your inner child, begin to love yourself as a father and mother both, your internal parenting is a helpful presence, it's where your wisdom is stored about how to live with yourself and grow up into an autonomous person, step by step. Never forceful. Be gentle on yourself, take care.
I'll replay this. I'm an empath. TY. No codep.
yes to all of your questions!
be part of a solution for others yes !
My problem is that I've grown to think even if I state my boundaries no one will care to respect them
Self-revelation, self-reflection daily are very important to soul progression before you "complain" others from your "polluted" perspective. I found others complain their moms....etc as energy vampires which are against natural Laws and God's given family Love purpose. I do agree lots of people's roots or conscience could be "messed up" by EMF; even consciousness could be replaced or manipulated, but the root cause are all due to " lack of true love". Western cultures encourage "self-love" which equals "selfishness" to bring you down to the underworld entrapment. Each/Every good deeds, positive impact , thoughts will balance your negative karma and gain good heavenly/celestial credit. Keep doing good by helping others with your resources is "best way of soul journey success".
In my family we didn't have emotional and personal boundaries. There was no respect for that sort of thing in my fathers house.
I can share that when I talk about myself to strangers and they was to curious. I was trusting way to fast for some question it was none of their concern. Today I know how to saw NO :-)
💖your book Boundary boss its lifechanging
Thank youuuu ❤️
You are just so lovely in your expressions 🤩
Thank you!
Ankita S : I find her amazingly beautiful. She reminds me of Lauren Bacall! Her energy is very outspoken, yet soft at the same time. Nice. ❤️☀️🖐
I think of "drawing boundaries" as setting expectations with someone, and then holding them to that. It works well usually, but you have to do it in advance, which isn't always possible. Sometimes the reason you need to set a boundary is in reaction to another person's poor boundaries, or unfair, inappropriate or unrealistic expectations. You don't always know they have poor boundaries until they show you, and only then do you see you have to set a boundary, or in other words: correct or change their expectations of you. I don't agree that getting upset with someone who asks for too much means you have poor boundaries (see 11:30 minutes in the video). I understand the message in that though, but it really depends on the situation and people. There are people who think "it never hurts to ask" and use that as an excuse to ask for things with abandon, and never worry about reciprocating. In doing so, they put all the burden of striving for balance in the relationship on the other person. A "taker" loves to find a "giver" to take from. It is a lot of work to be around someone like that, and over time, their continued asks will piss anyone off.
1.Understanding (why do you want to have a boundaries)
no i love to hug but i feel so much it feels like its too much.
Its never worked in my house, unless I get loud and frustrated.
I wish boundaries. I had boundaries. Body I need help with. Mind. My language. I've learnt to say no by taking a break. A time-out. Wiggle-time. Thanks.
Hello Terri. I am learning so much from your channel. Do you offer counseling/therapy services?
I do not but I do have online courses for women. Thank you for being here!
Terri, my mother suffered narc abuse at the hands of her narc mother and codependent father. I suffered narc abuse as the only child of my narc mother. My mother is the engulfing type. I became codependent.
My question is, do you think the determining factor for whether a person becomes a narc vs codependent lies more in the personality type of the victim (the optimist vs the pessimist), or do you think the possibility of which one you become lies in being a scapegoat vs a golden child?
I've been questioning this because I think the only thing that stopped me from becoming a narc is my basic personality type. I hold onto hope and am quick to forgive and look at the bright side. I've always been that way, even as a child. So I think I have always been less likely to become "embittered". And my take on the narcissists lack of empathy is that bitterness has caused their inability to react to empathy. I've also seen codependents cross into narcissism by holding onto anger and rage for too long. I know it's not a black and white answer because humans are complex beings and there are many dynamics that form our personalities. I'm just asking if the basic nature of an optimist vs a pessimist contribute more? or less? to the determination of which disorder we end up having.
What are your thoughts on this?
Tess,
Thank you for your insightful inquiry! I tend to agree with you that our basic nature impacts how our environmental influences impacts us. As you so eloquently stated it is not simple because humans are complex but you have clearly done your homework when it comes to the world of narcs! Keep up the great work and thank you for being here xo
Sorry Terri. I didn't realize you are a professional also. Obviously you have experience too. What an effective combination ! K
what's so super cool about you you gave me some of the best ever info,avail on CZcams
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I'm glad you're enjoying the videos! Thank you.
There is nothing wrong with having emotions. We are not robots! Be yourself.
If someone crosses your line then they will have to deal with the *consequences* of *their* actions.
This is why it's healthy to argue, shout and fight.
At the end of the day humans react and you can't reprogram us to stop feeling emotions because this is *fake* and not natural.
As long as you don't end up in jail defend yourself from people who are bullying you.
And if you have to *bully them back* so they learn not to mess with you ever again DO IT!
If you follow her advice you will end up *lonely* and not trusting anyone.
Best you lived and learned then live in fear of your boundaries.
I really need to work with you.
Empaths, HSP, etc. need exercise own boundaries and making good healthy choices for themselves all the time; it's so easy slip back to old unhealthy habbits then it's difficult go back to 'stand up for myself' attidude.
It may be difficult to draw boundaries when dealing with people which know us from years, which was taking us for granted, which was taking advantage from us, which established unsigned contract (we giving, we are resonsible, we understanding, we supporting, forgiving; they: receivng, they are emotional, they are weak, they are ill, tired, they forgot, they are in bad mood, they had had difficult childhood, bad experience, etc.). Perhaps, when someone tried to draw some boundaries and started live own life then others put them down for this, they was blamed, ridiculed, shamed, emotionaly manipulated, gaslighted... But mind, if others react like that toward you when you stand up for yourself, when you draw your boundaries or just express own desires or will, is it not a wake up call such as epiphany which let you know who these people really are and what kind role and function you state for them? If they are not respect you and value your boundaries, if they not care and support you in your way to self realisation or whatever it would be then think... are they really worth of your efford? Let them make efford for themselves. If they chose manipulate you to keep getting advantage from you then... let them go!!
You deserve to have life you want to! You are good enough to be loved, exactly as you truly are; you are good enough to be accepted, cared, supported with your personal grow. You are worth to receive!! You are responsible of yourself, your thoughts, your emotions, your choices and your happiness... all what you need is - chose love for yourself first. Then you will attract best people and best oportunities and others - bloodsuckers will leave (great!! do not regret this and enjoy freedom :-) )
'You' - I meant 'we', me too, all of us.
Thank you for sharing and for being here!! Yes, we all deserve care, support and healthy love!