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Beyond The 4 Attachment Styles: Discovering the 8 Unique Types.
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- čas přidán 2. 08. 2024
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Understanding and Updating Attachment Theory for the 21st Century!
No matter which attachment style you think you are, you might be wrong! In this video, Adam Lane Smith, the Attachment Specialist, reveals why our understanding of attachment styles needs a significant update. Despite being based on research from over 70 years ago, attachment theory remains one of the best tools we have to understand our relationships. However, with up to 65% of Gen Z experiencing insecure attachment, it's time for a modern refresh.
About Adam Lane Smith:
Adam Lane Smith, The Attachment Specialist has spent the last 15 years immersed in the study of psychology and relationships, earning a master’s degree and apprenticing under five different clinicians. His extensive experience, combined with his personal journey overcoming attachment issues, gives him a unique perspective on attachment theory.
Why Update Attachment Theory?
-Outdated Categories: The traditional attachment styles (secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized) no longer fully capture the complexities of modern relationships.
-Personal and Professional Experience: Adam’s combined knowledge from academic studies and personal experience with attachment issues highlights the need for more nuanced categories.
-Expert Collaboration: Consulting with top experts like Dr. Sue Carter and Dr. John Delony, Adam incorporates cutting-edge research into his updated framework.
Introducing the New Attachment Styles
Secure Attachment:
Original Secure: Those who grew up with secure attachment.
Remade Secure: Individuals who were not originally secure but have developed secure attachments through personal growth and effort.
Anxious Attachment:
Nurturing Anxious: Caring and ethical individuals who feel unlovable and are often misunderstood.
Toxic Anxious: Those who exhibit more resentful and manipulative behaviors, often externalizing blame.
Avoidant Attachment:
Ethical Avoidant: Avoidant individuals who do not wish to hurt others and prefer handling things independently.
Manipulative Avoidant: More resentful and blaming, these individuals often engage in toxic behaviors like stonewalling and gaslighting.
Disorganized Attachment
Loud Disorganized: Characterized by a cycle of seeking and fleeing intimacy, often creating chaotic relationship dynamics.
Quiet Disorganized: Avoidant on the outside but with a hidden anxious core, these individuals are often ethical and caring but struggle with internal self-worth.
How This Update Helps
Adam’s revised attachment styles offer a more detailed understanding of human behavior, allowing for better self-awareness and relationship building. These new categories help distinguish between non-toxic and toxic behaviors, providing clearer pathways for personal growth and secure attachment.
Ready to discover your true attachment style and work towards secure attachment? Comment below with your new attachment style and start using these terms in your conversations. Let’s update the dialogue around attachment theory together!
If you enjoyed this video then I would recommend you give this video on avoidant attachment a watch: • Can Avoidant Men ever ...
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Chapters:
00:00:00 - The outdatedness of attachment styles
00:02:06 - Understanding your Attachment Style for Relationship Success
00:04:07 - Remade Secure Attachment
00:06:15 - Understanding the Attachment Styles
00:08:15 - The Spectrum of Avoidant Attachment Styles
00:10:15 - Understanding the Loud and Quiet Disorganized Attachment Styles
00:12:18 - The Different Attachment Styles and Their Behaviors
00:14:12 - Updating Attachment Theory for the 21st Century
00:16:11 - Understanding Attachment Styles
00:18:15 - Using Attachments for Better Conversations
The saddest part is that so many don’t want to do the work and they seriously don’t realize how much they really affect those with nothing but good intentions.
You're right. It also causes a lot of missed opportunities for genuine, fulfilling connections. How do you ensure this doesn't happen in your own relationships?
I hear the phrase “doing the work” a lot. What does that mean?
@@AttachmentAdamI stepped back from building any new relationships outside of the ones I already have. If I’m meant to find a romantic partner, it’ll happen and if not.. so be it.
@@samuelpayne5460it means facing the challenges that we all have to become more secure. There’s the saying, “hurt people hurt people”. Become secure in yourself and learn to love yourself first before attempting to love another. So many don’t want to do that. They unfortunately have a void that they’re looking to fill outside of themselves and can leave a trail of pain and hurt because of it.
@@samuelpayne5460 therapy, learning your triggers, doing the healing of the wounds that cause the triggers so they no longer bother you, is a start, I think.
I have never clicked on a video faster than this one.
And did it deliver?
Lmao same
😂😂😂 Heck yeah
Same 😂
X2
Ethical avoidant! Love it, I just don’t want to intrude or present you with an expectation that puts you on the spot!
People underestimate how good it feels to not intrude.
Thank you so much for watching!
Your video on the biochemistry of FA attachment is groundbreaking, we need so much more light shed on this issue. I realized I was expecting something from someone that they simply were not capable of providing, and it is absolutely not their fault.
Thank you so much for this fruitful comment and I will keep that in mind definitely in my next videos. Stay tuned.
I'm definitely the quiet disorganized type, right down to being a late-diagnosed autistic woman.
I believe that my disorganized wounds come from my biological father dipping out when my twin brother and I were toddlers (abandonment wound!) and then my mother married a narcissist when I was 7. I was so thrilled to finally have a dad, and attached so fast. But over the next 10 years, I was made to feel like I needed to serve my parents, that my feelings and needs don't matter, and that if I showed my feelings, there would be hell to pay.
I am desperately trying to learn how to trust that my friends really do love me, even when I'm barely hanging on, and have nothing to give to them. I spend so many days WANTING to reach out because I know that connecting with people will help me feel better, but I'm also terrified that a day will come when they decide I'm a burden, and cut me off, so I cut myself off and hide until the pain passes.
And to add to it: Last year, I had an encounter with someone that I now believe was a narcissist, and it sent me straight back to being that anxiously-attached little girl who only wanted her step-dad to accept her. I was having panic attacks daily, until he finally ghosted me and I barely talked to anyone for months, outside of letting people know I was still alive and trying to heal.
Just boosting the algorithm here. More people need to see this
Thank you. Just came across your channel after several months working on my anxious attachment after a recent relationship with an avoidant woman. Your post on loving an avoidant woman, despite still getting that nagging “I can fix this” feeling is really helping me understand her beautiful qualities and needs and whatever path forward we cross, I can at least be the kind person I feel I am while communicating my needs and supporting her real needs rather than the stories and fantasy in my head. This post opens up new subtleties- as lately I feel I’m showing more avoidant tendencies as perhaps protecting myself from possible hurt. Most confusing
That actually happens quite often, gathering in new avoidant behaviors to protect yourself from the hurt that you’ve experienced. I’m sorry to hear that happened, but there’s definitely a good way forward that involves more transparency and more honesty. I’m glad you’re here now. Feel free to hit me up in the comment sections on various videos if you’ve got questions, I’m here to assist. And if you need some first steps forward, you’re welcome to email me at support@adamlanesmith.com, I have a lot of guides for fixing various pieces of attachment.
I definitely have quiet disorganized attachment style. I would appreciate more videos for those of us with quiet disorganized attachment style about how to manoeuvre relationships successfully and how we specifically can become remade secure. I ask this, because we are a bit more complicated than 6 of the other styles. Thank you Adam for separating attachment styles into 8 separate styles. Clarity brings better understanding and healing.
Yeah I think I am probably Quietly Disorganized instead of Anxious, because I am pretty avoidant to everybody else except someone who I found romantic interested in. I basically have no real interest in socializing with anybody else beside my romantic partner, I will only socialize with my friends, collages etc when I knew I "have to". Even when I was a child my parents described me as "motionless or even cold hearted child". But I tend to over rely on my partner emotionally, because he would instantly become the only source of warmth and light to my lonely heart the second I fall in love with him... And yes I have been with a very Loud Disorganized ex for 6 years, it was full of drama and up and downs. Now I am dealing with an ethical avoidant "situationship" and I don't know where the future would go.
Wow, that’s great and really impressive. I’m so glad that this video helped you define your attachment style and define your relationship with your partner and if you ever need any help just email me at support@adamlanesmith.com.
So on point Adam. Thank you. I am one of those that could not ever seem to fit into the attachment styles until this video… thank you for standing up and breaking these 4 down to 8. I am that quiet disorganized INFJ woman that will put up with so much for many years and then I disappear… poof… never here. A fig newton of my ex’s imagination. I am learning so much for your channel, thank you for the free content until I can afford to hire you.
I'm happy to hear that his has provided you the clarity and understanding you've been looking for! I'd love to work with you in the future. Feel free to reach out at any time.
Nurturing anxious 💙
same but I hate it
What do you hate about it ? @@luckiestduckling2997
When you talk about secure I feel I am a secure attached, when you talk about anxious I feel I am anxious when you talk about avoidant I feel I am one of them. Now you are talking about disorganized. I feel I am quiet disorganized now 😂😅
It's incredible how relatable different attachment styles can feel at different times. Understanding these dynamics can be so enlightening. Have you found any strategies helpful in managing your Quiet Disorganized tendencies?
Could it be your attachment styles are person-specific? That when Adam talks about secure you think of someone with whom you had a secure relationship, and when he talks about anxious you think of someone else with whom you had an anxious relationship, and so on for avoidant and QD?
I would say I’m remade secure, knowing I can easily slip into ethical anxious when triggered. However, some disorganized explanations have always made me wonder about myself, and now I wonder if I’ve always leaned more quiet disorganized, because everything in your description rings true, but I assumed it was anxious preoccupied, because I never had this explanation.
I was recently dating someone who’s pull away made me think he’s a remade secure who went into avoidant when triggered, but a lot of your explanations didn’t fit the bill. I’m thinking he’s probably also quiet disorganized.
Adam, I love you and your commitment to this work! I think your innovation around this styles is so powerful. I never really understood where I fit in but quiet disorganized nails it. And it’s why I’ve been able to be successful at work but really challenged in intimate relationships, even some friendships. In fact, I’m starting to notice so I have attracted certain friendships with women that weren’t healthy for me.
On another note… I recently looked up the word “toxic” because it’s one of those words that’s tricky… It’s taken on a meaning of its own. The root of the word toxic is based on the old practice of slinging poisoned arrows, and I thought that captures the dynamic perfectly. I feel like toxic behavior is when someone throws their unhealed parts at you and I’ve experienced that in a lot of relationships in my life. It’s not that I didn’t have stuff to work on, but I’ve tended to aim my toxicity at myself.
But no more…As a recently remade secure person I am entering my No Nonsense Era!
At first, I thought I was "Nurturing Anxious" - but no, I really resonate with your description of "Quiet Disorganized". That made a whole lot of sense to me. And for the record, I'm 45, have gone through 2 very painful breakups with my last 2 exes (a "Loud Disorganized" and a "Manipulative Avoidant"), and I live by myself. And I would say I'm a HSP type person.
Like I wrote in another comment, I want to hear more analysis linking this to high sensitivity and such things.
So glad that this video resonates with your attachment style and please tell me more if you need any help with that you can email me at support@adamlanesmith.com
This might be the begining of something. Learning there are dark sides to all attachment styles is a very fist step to open our minds to true diversity, but my main concerns remain. How to understand what in me attracts or enable undesirable critters? And most important, How can I spot their destructive tendencies early ? I know you have provided those responses in this channel, and I am studying. Just got distracted by the video of the poor thing devoted to scalp massages...whoaaaaa! But nobody is perfect, you regained my trust with this video,...for now.
You bring up thought-provoking questions, and answering them would be helpful in addressing any unhealthy patterns before resolving them. So, here's another question: What specific qualities or behaviors have you noticed in yourself that might enable these patterns, and how do you plan to address them moving forward?
I’m think the quiet disorganized fits my actions/reactions best. I tend to be avoidant most of the time but default to people pleasing with my closest relationships.
Balancing avoidant tendencies with people-pleasing can be exhausting. What strategies have you found helpful in managing these patterns in your close relationships?
I've been down this rabbit hole of attachment styles and other healing-type videos, and there have been a handful that have been helpful but none have fully captured what I have pieced together.
While I fit into the "disorganized attachment" I definitely leaned avoidant, and there have seldom been examples or explanations of exactly the box I believe I fit in. I *want* to be that nurturing, caring partner, but I find it hard to make connections with people in general on account of my hearing loss. The awkwardness around it makes me avoid conversations with new people almost entirely, so when people do get in, and say that they like me, it really sticks. In spite of that, none of my serious relationships are ones where I blame the other person for leaving me. The idea of the "quiet" disorganized attachment really clicks with what I've discovered about myself, and I am very interested in hearing more about this.
I've been looking into this attachment theory for a while and absolutely nothing is as spot on for me as your description of the quiet disorganized. I was crying through the bit of you were describing it. Thank you for what you do.
Thank you so much for that really appreciate it and let me know if you need any help with your attachment style.
Thank you for the update and the video. I feel like I'm all of these... 🤷♀️
This makes so much sense. Without knowing about attachment I’ve been working on all of it for years w different therapists and friends. I had reached out to my two best friends about 10 yrs ago regarding my struggles and wanting to overcome them. And they 100% walked me through so much. The very first thing I worked through was w phones calls - I was too anxious to answer the phone. They would keep calling back in a row until I answered. Things of that nature. I addressed the self loathing type of thing and got to the heart of where it was from - childhood - and worked through it. And like you said there are flare ups, but inside my head I stop it immediately and say - pull it together that’s so and so talking, not you. I also would walk away from ppl at the drop of a hat. I addressed that - childhood coping mechanism. Now I really consider the reasons as to why I might not want someone in my life. I discuss it and then determine if I’m doing a coping mechanism or is this person really not a good fit for my principles. I didn’t realize how much work I have done, but kept trying to put myself in one of the categories while saying - but I don’t do those parts of the description so this makes no sense. Then assumed I must be disorganized, but when I listened to that explanation it also didn’t really fit. Remade makes so much sense. And like you said, of course there are flare ups, but I don’t get mad about it, I address it and move forward and I’ve also realized, it’s usually a new experience that brought a flare up that I needed to walk through and be like- oh gotcha. I applied it to all these other aspects in life, but this is a new one I had not considered. I’ve also learned, when a person listens to your videos and says they are a manipulative avoidant - listen to them 😢I think I also try so hard to improve in life, that sometimes I’m missing living in the moment. Always a work in progress.
This makes so much more sense than the "traditional".
So then I'm remade secure leaning QD. Journeyed from ethical avoidant to quiet disorganized to remade secure leaning QD
I hope that this video resonates with your best attachment style you found yourself close to
I like these categories. I am (according to the old system) an FA, but am routinely confused for being a DA superficially, which always made me wonder how nobody understood that I was more anxious than avoidant as a general rule. I find my relational experience to be that I am generally sane, if not a bit aloof, when getting to know someone. Rarely do I connect enough to, but if I end up attaching romantically and there is even a hint of reciprocity, I lose my mind with the level of anxious and fearful behavior that starts to happen.
The other person, who was attracted bc they liked the aloof nature, feels like they were deceived or that I went crazy and is repulsed. Or, I get do overwhelmed from being anxious and fearful that I shut down or leave the person so that I can function as a human again. I've always maintained I am an FA based on my childhood and past relationships and the criteria, but I didn't have a lot of the Loud Disorganized features since hitting adulthood, instead creating layers of DA type insulation mechanisms the more times things fail.
It took me until 40 to start to address this because I never fit neatly into a box.
I'm really curious what the correlation between autism and this attachment style is, as I am an autistic woman, so you were spot-on about the connection.
Great work
Thank you so much. Did this help you understand your attachment style better?
love the 8 styles! I am anxious working to re-made secure attachment!
I’m glad you’re here, and that we can share this journey together! Let me know how I can help.
Thank you so much for these breakdowns.
Can you make videos of when quiet disorganized peeps, who typically show up as remade secures, slip into ethical avoidant and anxious?
Love him!
I struggle to figure out what my attachment style is. When I was younger, I always felt like I was in a bubble and never felt connected to anyone. Not even my mom. I didn't really care to hug her either or like others hugging me. When others hurt me, I didn't really hold it against them. I think it probably stems from being put in daycare at young ages based upon my research and having multiple different daycares. Later my dad abandoned us when I was in 6th grade and we moved closer to family to a completely different state. I never told anyone my dad left, and assumed others had it way worse so I didn't really think I had it bad. I never formed close friendships in schools either. When I was in high school, my mom started dating another man. I grew up Christian and when I looked into divorce and remarriage, I became convinced that my mom would be committing adultery and tried to tell my mom this. Ironically, this was the issue that spurred me to continue to study and pushed me into recently converting to the Catholic Church. My reason for telling my mom this was to save her from sinning. But she took it as me purposely trying to ruin her life and prevent her from being happy. This resulted in me having angry outbursts and meltdowns after these interactions with my mother. I became a very angry person but only had these meltdowns with my mother or later with my husband who I think is avoidant now because when I would tell him my needs he wouldn't really do that for me. My mom would tell me that I was a mean hearted person when I would have these arguments with her and I began to believe her that I was such a terrible person. I feel like now I do have to earn friendships. But I don't really have any friends except my husband. I feel like I need to hear people tell me now that I am a good person or verbally affirm me to give me self-worth. I also feel like any time I try to ask people for help or reach out to make friends l, I always feel like I'm bothering people and that I'm putting a major burden on people. I've been working on my angry outbursts and have gotten them down to a rarity. However, I feel like they have changed into panic attacks because I'm internalizing them to the point, I went to the hospital to make sure I wasn't having a heart attack. In the past, I started to believe that I must have have some extreme personality disorder like narcissism or maybe even autism and that's why I have no friends. I want friendships and community l, but I feel like if I become vulnerable they will see me as crazy or very flawed and flee from me. I'm working on it though and I try to remind myself that I'm not crazy but that I'm just a person with flaws but that doesn't make me unlovable, and everyone has flaws. And some people have anger issues, but that doesn't make me the worse person in the world. I've been seeing a counselor on Betterhelp. My mother has recently died from leukemia and it's been hard because I have 4 small children and I don't really have any family on my side to help me and my mil is always busy with elderly grandparents and lives away. But I have been working on becoming remade secure. But I don't know what I fall into. I have had people tell me that I look like I had everything together on the outside, but much of the time, I'm about to cry especially in crowds of people when I'm trying to make friends. On top of that, my husband didn't convert with me so we go to each others churches but I know how my old church, church of Christ, feels about Catholics since I myself used to be anti-Catholic.
Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like you've faced a lot of challenges, and your journey has been incredibly complex. It's understandable to feel uncertain about your attachment style given your experiences. I encourage you to reach out to me through support@adamlanesmith.com and I'd be happy to offer you personalized guidance and support.
Brilliant Adam!
Thank you so much! I'm glad you found it helpful. Is there a specific aspect of attachment theory or relationship dynamics you're particularly interested in?
I've actually become a lay student due to having the recent epiphany of a repeating pattern throughout my life. As harrowing as the experiences were, they have been quite poetic. I'm training to become a coach and to create art from my experiences. My interest is in developing insight. I'm working on some children's books at present. I absolutely love your channel.
Good stuff!
Thank you! Which type resonated with you the most?
@@AttachmentAdam remade secure and the milder versions of avoidant and anxious. I run a men’s group with disfunctional marriages and we see all types. Not all avoidant wives were the manipulative type. Very cool stuff. Keep it going. I live in Denver and appreciate you content as I restart after a failed marriage as a mild DA with a highly disorganized partner.
I appreciate the sharpening of the resolution, and the resistance against taking these as if they're star signs needs to be sustained and strenuous.
Here's to continuing refinements (including more attention to how attachment strategies are learned *after* early childhood). I want to learn more about how this relates to emotional maturity, personality traits, and of course sex differences in neurology and endocrinology.
Quiet Disorganized - finally, I'm beginning to feel seen and understood! I'd say I grew up as Nurturing Anxious, and based on my experiences in adolescence and adulthood I've built up an armored shell that has served me quite well. I'd like to be Ethical Avoidant but I have too sensitive a core, but at least I can protect it. I'm glad to treat people fairly and kindly while keeping them at some extent of polite distance. Until I figure out what's really attainable vs what's wishful thinking, and what I have any right to hope for (let alone deserve), this has been a good way to avoid trouble.
That is so great I’m really so excited for you and your journey of finding your attachment style, and how it affects your daily life situations and relationships
You’re a genius!!!
Thank you so much for watching!
I don't believe in attachment styles. I've attached differently depending on how each partner treated me. If he was controlling, I was avoidance. If I wasn't into him, I was avoidance. If he played games, breadcrumbs, I was anxious. If I was extremely attracted, I was anxious.
What you’re describing is actually called the disorganized attachment style, where you flip back-and-forth between anxious and avoidant based on your environment and the specific person you’re focusing on.
I also don't agree that ethical avoidant people cannot be toxic. They often tend to turn a blind eye on their partner's abusive behavior and even enable them - like the famous "abusive mom - doormat dad" couples - where the husband's conflict avoidance might even trigger more abusive behavior in the wife, as someone needs to be the "bad cop". (Like Tom and Lynette in "Desperate Housewives").
As a quiet disorganized, thank you so much Adam, I’ve never felt so understood. 🙏
Happy to help! Recognizing your attachment style is a big step towards healthier relationships and self-awareness.
I love this updated exploration of the full variety of attachment styles, just like exploring the diverse spectrum of modern relationship dynamics! I'm someone with a neurodivergent Quiet Disorganized background who's now ReMade Secure. Who's with me?
Absolutely! The spectrum of attachment styles is indeed diverse and fascinating to explore. It's inspiring to hear about your journey from Quiet Disorganized to ReMade Secure. How did you navigate this transformation?
@@AttachmentAdam Honestly, exploring expansive relationship dynamics over the past almost decade was a huge contributor to my healing and the building and strengthening of new relating and communication skills.
I would love to hear more about the quite disorganized! Does knowing your attachment help you heal? I became anxious in my last relationship with an avoidant but never felt anxious any other time. I came across your channel and have been listening to everything because I feel very avoidant. I'm almost always single, the "lone wolf" but I'm pursued by many. I'm 40, somewhat pretty lol high achiever, buisness owner, financially independent, caring, no children and could never understand why I still alone. Hopefully you share more about this attachment style and what I can do to be better. ❤ Thank you!
Of course self-awareness is a significant step forward, and understanding yourself better leads you to learning how to better manage your behaviors and any unhealthy patterns. What are the specific behaviors or patterns you've noticed in your relationships that align with the disorganized attachment style?
Thanks Adam for taking the time to read. To your questions : I noticed in me idealization versus observation, and protest behavior vrs clear limits. I am implementing the engagement in wider variety of activities by myself, while taking it easy, do lots of observation, and ask a lot of questions. Makes sense?
It would be so helpful to email me at support@adamlanesmith.com to know more about that
I want to know more about quite disorganised attachment style, adam. How this develop, signs, and healing from it. You mentioned understand that it's ok to accept love & to receive it and were in fact are safe. May I have some of the example or scenario to its ok to accept love and to recieve it?
Ethical avoidant here
I'm glad to hear you're self-aware of your attachment style and behaviors. What patterns of ethical avoidant attachment do you display in your relationships?
Hello adam. Im here❤
Thanks for coming! 👋
@@AttachmentAdam You're Welcome Sir, Adam.
@@AttachmentAdam Sir Adam. As a fearful or disorganised attachment style I had. I had this feelings of difficulty on accepting help of others, not all the time. But, from time to time I felt its very overwhelming feeling that there is someone who do something for me. I don't where this feelings coming from? Ots so overwhelming and I am scared too. I tried to locate where this feeling coming from inside of me. Why I felt this. And, when I felt this, it seems I didn't know how to react, its gives me anxiety. Its difficult to control my emotion. I am shaking. All i know is, are you doing this thing for me because you had a feelings for me? And, when I think about that, the anxiety keeps going strong and I felt I wanna scape and get lost in front of him and wish he didn't do it. Sir, I am struggling to accept that to someone who I think he did it because he felt fall in love with me or what.
I would be quiet disorganized madly in love with a loud disorganized
So glad that you defined your attachment style using my video
Definitely quiet disorganized. Doesn't help that I struggle reading social ques and body language, to boot.
What kind of challenges has this posed on your connections and relationships?
I might be quiet disorganized. Or ethical avoidant. I don't think I'm particularly manipulative, only somewhat. But not very good at it and I think I wouldn't want to be good at it.
Not sure where to go next from here
I encourage you to reach out to me through support@adamlanesmith.com if you want personalized guidance. We can discuss next steps and come up with an action plan that suits your needs.
FREAKONOMICS taught us that most humans are mostly selfish, most of the time, sacrificing honesty and principles with alarming predictability. Also, talk to just any person, no one wants the bottom 75% of anything. Think of the last car you bought.
idk how NOT being anxious avoidant Is the normal status. People are always in “Whats in it for me, this instant” mode, no? “is there a better one, am I missing out on the very best that I KNOW I deserve?”
How do SECURE people make sense of this correctly ?
Ever since I started my attachment style learning journey I've always considered myself an anxiously attached person. If I had seen this video four weeks ago, I would've said I'm nurturing anxious, but after my most recent breakup with an ethical avoidant I feel like I may be more in the quiet disorganized space. Prior to the four weeks ago, during the relationship, I would've said I had a remade secure attachment style, but ever since the breakup I've been operating in full anxious mode and I absolutely hate it.
I believe this video helped you in accurately describing your attachment style and if you ever need any help just email me at support@adamlanesmith.com
Ok, so I've progressed from Nurturing Anxious to Remade Secure. Makes sense.
That's wonderful to hear. What strategies have helped you achieve this?
@AttachmentAdam Kind of hard to itemize. I knew there was a problem and as soon as I put a name on it, I searched for a solution. Meditation, some therapy, reading and applying ideas from that which I read (No More Mr. Nice Guy and Children of Emotionally Immature Adults were game changers) and seeking real community and "safety"; knowing that there's a balance were the key components that I can recall.
I feel like I can fit into any attachment mold at certain times. I avoid people who make me feel anxious.
That's interesting. What type of relationship patterns or dynamics help you feel more secure?
@@AttachmentAdam Relationships that feel grounded and emotionally calm. Stable, peaceful, in some ways even predictable or reliable. 🙂
Is there a check list to figure out what style I am ?
What do you mean there were not so much attachment issues in the past? The avoidant man (the strong, silent type) was actually the norm! While anxious wives could binge on Valium, Benzedrine etc. haha - jokes aside, I guess back then, women had a wider social circle and weren't socialized so as to expect their partners to be their everything - not jus their husband but their mom, dad, best friend, solid rock, psychologist, bodyguard etc.
That's an interesting perspective! While there's some truth to the idea of the "strong, silent type" being more common in the past, it's important to remember that attachment styles are influenced by a complex interplay of factors, including cultural norms and parenting practices.
Lover of many years is someone with a lot of narcissistic traits was told in her first therapy appointment she is has an “avoidant attachment style” I’m not bought in on it especially with that quick of a diagnosis. Manipulative Avoidant maybe.
It's understandable to have doubts about a quick diagnosis. What are some of the patterns that she displays that seem manipulative or narcissistic?
@@AttachmentAdam -everyone of my direct family members is a narcissist according to her. - all of the friends she meets end up being narcissists according to her. - making up lies about friends and family to try and separate me from them. - little white lies upon little white lies. - ZERO accountability for her tantrums, how she treats people, her bad habits, everyone else’s fault. - I haven’t heard the words “I am sorry for XYZ” EVER. It usually sounds like “I’m sorry you took it that way” or “I’m sorry you feel that way”. - typical gaslighting techniques. - GRANDIOSE as can be, has to always outdo all those around her, one upping. This is just naming a few. I could go on. Thanks for you content and engagement
My ex is avoidant and I can't tell if she's the manipulative type or if she's having a legit trauma response. She broke up with me about a year ago and immediately blocked me on all social media. However I went into no contact right away and she reached out about a month in to check on me. I responded politely and went back into NC. Now she reaches out with little things here and there about every month/couple months or so. I'm so confused. I miss her a lot and it hurts to go back and forth but I don't want to lose her forever.
Your situation sounds confusing and emotionally difficult. It's understandable that you miss your ex and the mixed signals are causing mixed emotions. Would you be comfortable setting a clear boundary, like only responding if she wants to have a mature conversation about the relationship?
You really need tailored suits
Very insightful, seems like I'm Nurturing anxious but think im falling in love with a Manipulative advodiant, lovebombs and then stonewalls when he cant process things emotionally, wouldn't gaslight.
Should I just get over him?
It sounds like you're in a delicate situation. Anxious-avoidant dynamics can be emotionally taxing, but there's a possibility to make them work in a healthy, secure way. How do you respond to these behaviors from him?
I try to give him space but it only creates distance between us. So i explode emotionally when it's too much, and tell why he can't open up and let me in. Then he runs away.. maybe he won't come back. @AttachmentAdam
Ok, but like... I _am_ a Libra tho.
Not just by birth month, but by legit Jungian understanding of who and what I am. I seek Balance in all things and struggle with Passivity.
I _do_ struggle with 'Aries,' because that's the _Polar_ developmental opposite (Hot -> Cold) compared to mine (Cold -> Hot).
How does this understanding affect your relationships and connections? Would you not get close to someone if you found out they're an Aries?
@@AttachmentAdam Nah, I'm affianced to another Libra at present. Things are goin' good.
If we're talkin' shop about signs tho, Fire signs and I tend to get on rather weirdly; Aries the hothead, Leo the vain, etc.
...Just categorical distinctions; nothing no one needs to take overly seriously. 😉
Omg YASyesYAS
Which style or type resonated the most?
these cardboard cutout versions of primordial attachment styles are in fact pretty harmful; once your partner has branded you avoidant (afraid) and dismissive (rude) for example and read through Attachment (the anxious attachment bible), your marriage is basically on the rocks (mine is) and a lot of people get hurt, including kids. Thanks for initiating more nuance within the attachment debate. Let's not go gentle into that good night...
Totally hear you on the dangers of oversimplification with attachment styles. I'm curious to hear more about your experience. What aspects of attachment theory resonated with you, and what felt off the mark?
@@AttachmentAdam Our regular arguments had a little too much in common with the anxious-avoidant trap (her demanding more attention and me basically saying no), so, when I stumbled on attachment theory, I couldn't ignore it. We were already taking couple's counseling (which did not work for me at all, being the avoidant). In the end my, by now, ex-wife concluded that change was required for me so she could feel more secure (and cheated thereafter). It seems that especially toxic anxious people abuse it to vilify and leave the (ethical) avoidenant. It is dangerous if you think you have science on your side.
I don’t find any of these labels helpful. What would be helpful is to know what to do when I’m triggered.
How do you typically react when you're triggered?
Out of context comment: the graphic makes me think the woman is being chased by Majora's Mask and I can't unsee it.
On content comment: I've been spreading the word on the updated styles and pointing people your way.
Thank you so much for that, I really appreciate your support!
Ha-!
**Dawn of the Third Day**
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