Which attachment style are you?
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- Äas pĆidĂĄn 6. 12. 2022
- #attachment #adamlanesmith #attachmentbro
Which of the 4 attachment styles are you?
Anxious attachment
Avoidant attachment
Disorganized attachment
Secure attachment
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Everyone wants to know, and itâs important you learn now so you can apply it. That will help you build better relationships starting today. I make it easy in this how-to video guide that breaks down the attachment styles into simple checklists. Learn your attachment style and what it means for you in one quick video.
How do you give and receive love with others? Do you expect to be acted upon, and how do you respond? In this video guide I present simple criteria to help you understand the basic attachment styles and what they mean for you in practical situations. Learn more about yourself and finally get better results in your relationships.
This video is part of an ongoing series about attachment.
Tired of fighting as a couple or dodging stressful situations in your relationships? Hereâs what you need to know about yourself and how it makes you react to others. Learn about yourself and the way you connect to others. And if you want to improve your connection, Iâve got those options ready for you. Step one, learn about your own style. Step two, fix it. Start with this video guide.
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Could you make a video on things two anxious-avoidants / disorganized attachment people that are both willing to work on ourselves.... things we should stay on top of.... or tips to keep us moving in the secure direction together
My parents were alcoholics and had a proclivity for fighting. My dad was very short tempered and yelled at me or my mother often so I would try to avoid him. I was lucky enough to have some family around that did have a secure attachment style.
I have a tremendous fear of failure which has both driven me and held me back.
In a business setting I can operate with a secure attachment granted Iâm operating from a secure position, I feel in control here.
Where it falls apart for me is in personal relationships. I am so afraid of making mistakes and dealing with them I will end the relationship prematurely. This has caused me to lose the love of my life.
That fear of making mistakes will lead you to sabotage yourself over and over. The good news is that you can fix this and overcome your family system's legacy of hurt and control and fear. You can do this. Let me know how I can help, I've got a ton of options and resources to get you started fixing this. Send me an email at support@adamlanesmith.com with any questions you've got.
I'm a physicist. Many of the people I've known and me myself had the same story. You start as a secure attachment, interact with woman, get into a relationship, got your hearth broken, put the pieces together the best you can, become avoidant. I've never seen, meet, or heard about a secure attachment woman in my whole life.
This is a real pattern, a LOT of my male clients are from logical-thinking fields like science backgrounds or engineering, and it's true that many of them started off fairly healthy before getting wounded badly. Do you think secure women are hard to find, or few in number?
â@@AttachmentAdamI wonder if perhaps a large number of those secure women are just already in a committed relationship.
I have disorganized. Thank you so much for a really simple explanation.
My cousin (who I looked up to like an older brother) molested me when I was in elementary school. It especially hurt because there were few people I could connect with due to my severe ADHD. My father constantly screamed at me for doing things wrong, and I was constantly bullied - being treated like I was a dumb animal instead of a person - because I had to be in special Ed with two mentally retarded kids. They even got one of the two to punch me during recess once (I think it was around second grade) and I blacked out, waking up in a pool of blood around my head, with one of the teachers freaking out, worried I cracked my skull open on the concrete (I just had a bloody nose). Thankfully I had a very supportive mother. She was the only person besides a few friends she helped me make that made me feel like a person. I think I'm an Anxious Avoident. Would make sense considering what happened.
There were many times, in conflict with either of my parents, where I would be blamed for my reaction or they would shut down and become non-communicative.
I think this has had an influence on why I'm so anxiously attached. I'm beginning to notice it when it happens, I call it out and I try to be as good faith as I can, where if they talk to me nicely or communicate I'll also do what they were asking of me.
There are times though where I can do this less effectively where I can say things like "you don't get to tell me what I'm feeling is right or wrong in an aggressive manner" which is kind of an overcorrection because I've been such a people pleaser, but it'll reign in eventually
This sounds so painful. You were shut down and blamed for having feelings when you tried to open up and be honest about feeling hurt. That's definitely going to create a scenario where you're fearful of trusting others and being open! How are you doing managing these anxious feelings now? Are you working on fixing this so you can be confident and relaxed when sharing?
My parents were very self-absorbed and didn't make much effort to form an emotional bond with us. Our feelings were not validated ("stop your bloody whining). Though I was fairly outgoing appeared happy, I had a lot anxiety, nightmares, etc. When puberty hit I desperately wanted to form a connection with a girl but was deathly afraid of rejection.
Once I started dating, I was either infatuated (but crazy and could not compose myself) or I was charming enought to get laid, but not emotionally invested. Any relational conflict was horribly triggering and made my crater. So I just kept the peace and built up resentment. I don't know if I really know what love is.
Came to the conclusion I was disorganized.
This is so terribly sad. Do you know this can get better, right? You donât have to live with this pain forever.
Thank you for this. I remember often being told by my parents what I should do, and the more that I showed some deficiency somewhere in life (like not knowing what to study), they would step in and tell me what to do. I've grown up placating them rather, and lying ("oh yes mom, all is fine with me") to get past any such interrogation of my life, and being acted on.
Thank you for sharing this, it's very honest. And so relatable. It sounds like you were never shown you can trust others to work in GOOD FAITH and teach you with love, compassion, or care. That can definitely lead to attachment challenges because you haven't experienced genuine warmth, just being directed and moved around. How are you doing now in your friendships and romantic relationships as you navigate this hurt feeling?
@@AttachmentAdam Thank you for your response. It's a complex situation. I'm now in my 30s and seeing a therapist and psychiatrist as I am an introvert and suffer from chronic depression. A lot of my work with them as been in the areas of being able to say "no" and stand my ground to navigate life on my own terms while still being open to suggestions and input from others. I do know that my parents are coming from a place of caring and love, and wanting what is best for me. My romantic relationships (the few I have had), are still a struggle littered with the fear of rejection an not being good enough, particularly when things are ramping up as it seems the pressure or stress builds with it.
â@@DarthRancid I had a borderline mother and have had a similar experience
Makes Sense, i'm disorganized type
And now, to fix it. Iâve got the resources to help. Click my link in About section or send me an email to get started. Support@adamlanesmith.com
Hello :) It's not easy for me to pinpoint when I was "acted upon" as you say. I think I'm more of the anxious attachment style, though I must have made progress in life in other ways because your description of a secure attachment style seemed very reasonable to me and not too far off from the present for myself.
There's 2 things that come to mind for me: My mother aborted another male child about 15 years before my birth. I'm pretty sure there's something affecting me there.
The other is my grandma died when I was 7 and in the following years my parents/uncles/aunt sold the property and I was distraught over it. I still remember vividly pretty much every nook and cranny of that home.
There probably were other things, and I know for certain my parents both had insecure attachment styles although they've gotten much better over the years for sure.
I am so sorry to hear you've faced so much family loss. These things are serious issues that can shape how we believe the world works, including how safe we are and if we have a place to go home to. How are you doing with starting your attachment work and recovering from these wounds so you don't carry them anymore? Let me know if I can help, send me an email Support@AdamLaneSmith.com
My parents married when they were too young, and in order to avoid my mother who was over-controlling not just me and my brother, but anyone in the family, I developed avoidance at an early age. My father was a Mr. Nice guy who enabled her. My mother was abusive verbally, emotionally, and physically. I learned to avoid her to avoid punishment, and I used to pray to God that I would do nothing to set her off each day. When I was 25, I went no contact with my parents and went into therapy. I am a much more secure attachment style now, and I do recognize those who are avoidant due to my past. Oddly enough, The current potential love interest I have is a highly educated avoidant ( who also possesses an advanced degree in psychology) and I am understanding, however, he does not let me close enough to help him. I am now single with one failed marriage behind me. I hope to keep my secure attachment status, however, I have learned that interaction with others can cause one to revert back to previous styles.
This does sound like you're used to insecure people and lean into those relationships because you don't know what to expect that would match your own more secure behavior. In that case, it sounds crucial that you get around some secure people and experience healthy relationships first so you know what to expect from others. Have you considered joining my private attachment community to experience these connections with the other secure members?
I need avoidance type. I will mostly be a people pleaser, and as you stated, everybody must be in a good mood. I look at things whether theyâre good bad or ugly? thereâs a lesson to be learned always take a positive spin. And at times I will be the person in the shadows, avoiding the whole situation if itâs greater than myself
Sounds like you've got a lot of self-awareness about this challenge. Next comes education on what OTHER things you can do instead, and how to get there. Then comes experiences that change you and help you feel what it's like to be more than you are now. How can I help you take your next step?
@@AttachmentAdam awesome forgot to mention that I have PDSD I must be in control of my environment at all times. If not, then I get super out of control, angry nothing physical just a lot of yelling. This is why I donât care to be around people I can only control who I am at in.
Start as secure style then get lied to so much that now seems like chaos style
One of the biggest factors that lead to me hating myself (I'm fearful avoidant and anxious, so disorganized style) was my mom (btw, my parents were never together let alone happy together for as long as I could form conscious memories; my mom demonized my dad and my poor dad just took it and I later learned she destroyed his life with divorce courts) gave me an ultimate hierarchy of importance: 1. God 2. Everyone else 3. Me. Plus with my neurotic mother smothering me and overwhelming herself by trying and failing to be the mom AND dad of 3 kids, I also put women and girls on a pedestal and it added to my inferiority complex even more. I went on to get cheated on twice by my only girlfriend and have been single 10 years since. I worry I'll never find someone, but this girl keeps coming to me in my dreams and shows me unconditional love, and that keeps me going.
I would often feel very alone because my parents didnât speak to me. And if I tried to talk about personal things they almost shut down. I think itâs generational. But now when other people speak their feelings I get irritated or feel uncomfortable. Just like my parents. I have a partner who is very open and like to speak his mind. I also have a hard time relaxing because I never knew what mood my mom would be, when she came home. I didnât like it when she came home from work.
Wow sounds like itâs time to work on stress level, sharing needs, and building space for yourself to not feel overwhelmed. Can you work on that with your partner?
Im anxious-avoidant
Being anxious-avoidant can make relationships particularly challenging, but it's possible to develop healthier patterns with awareness and effort. What specific challenges are you facing, and how can you start addressing them?
Please define âacted upon â
98% of the time I operate under the assumption that people are generally of good nature and positive intent. The only place this does not play out is in romantic relationships.
NGAF is the best way to remain neutral in instances where the people who are statistically likely to pop up here and there and attempt to control and manipulate.
Sometimes letting things play out and play along is the best way to extricate oneself from controlling manipulative people.
Often times I notice the people most afraid of being acted upon act upon others preemptively. I tend to trigger this in others by being non reactive.
Idk how much of what is my own attachment and or coping mechanisms and wether or not I am just bringing out the worst in people and their issues because I am neutral by intent.
Refusing to react will definitely set off the worst actors because it gives them nothing to play upon. Some of them will avoid you while others will push harder to see if they can seize control with enough friction. Staying non reactive is usually the best approach. But do you ever find this confuses more good-willed people into believing you are disinterested?
@@AttachmentAdam yes.
Done much work on learning how to show interest to good actors? That's a whole other skillset that gets missed by most people
@@AttachmentAdam I am not very adept at it over the internet thats for sure. Probably needs work irl.
Its really hard to keep this concise because I've not forgiven my mother for hurting me this bad. It feels like she did it intentionally. Rationally I know for the majority of situations she didnt mistreat me intentionally and I do understand bringing up a child is not easy.
My dad is very depressed as long as I remember and anxiously attatched and my mother is an avoidant. I've never seen them intimate. I remember once they were hugging I think that was the only time they had sex in all those years. They fought multiple times a week heavily and I learned pretty quickly that keeping quiet, away and reading my moms mood clues was essential to not get caught up in this even more. My dad withdrew mostly and gave his all not to get me involved while he was at home. He never blamed me for who I became.
- Both were heavy indoor smokers and I gave up telling them that I hated it.
- My mom repeatedly destroyed my toys acidentally while cleaning my room and and on two occasions even accidentally killed my pets while at it (amphibians in a tank). She didn't stop despite my many pleas for years
- I was only punished and this several times per week by getting yelled, snapped, threatened and hissed at or by getting ignored by my mom wich was mostly for the same reasons: Playing too much gameboy and not doing my homework when I was smaller. Then later being too much on the computer and staying up late
- Most things were done for me instead of showing me how to do or solve them myself especially socially
- In school I, too became as invisible as possible when people started to make bad remarks about me
I became anxiously attatched. Im 28 now and I've broken contact to my mother for 2 years. Since I learned about attatchment theory and the reasoning behind avoidant attatchment. I can see the possibility of slowly building it again once I get better and forgave her in a couple more years.
I've been watching some of your videos lately and I really really like your approach and energy. Especially that small remark "100% fixable by the way" it made me smile and gave reassurance when sometimes it seems so hard and like an endless journey always lacking
You'd really appreciate Daniel Mackler's videos. They've helped me with similar issues a lot. I wish you the best and much love.
@@mikeexits Thank you I will have a look.
Disorganized reporting in.
Glad to have you aboard! here to help.
I feel almost entirely part of the anxious attachment style however I do recognize that I am valuable and should be valuable to people (my husband specifically) and I try and pursue and learn and solve problems as a team (assuming he will act in good faith) but I struggle so hard to put boundaries when he does not act in good faith (from my perspective he is completely avoidant). I don't how to to work as a team with me being anxious and him being avoidant.
This sounds complicated for you to navigate every day! If he's that avoidant, you may need to connect with several secure people like friends or a supportive community to experience what it's like to be around people who value and respect you. That can help change your mind about what you should expect and how it can feel, which in turn can lead you to approach your husband differently and perhaps get a different reaction from him. Do you have people like this in your life? I do offer my private support community, if you need that help.
I feel emotions in very intense way and many act upon me as if that is a personality issue. When it's me allowing myself to be myself.
Just like some people have skills in many job areas... I have emotions in many areas if that makes sense.
theres something wrong with me on the inside but i finally know what it is, its my overthinking nature, fear of looking stupid, anxious and tense. when new people meet me some will even tell me that im more tense (body languange) than the regular people
Yes this does sound a lot like anxious attachment, and overthinking comes from not being able to check in with others because you're afraid of what their response might be. So you stay stuck inside and have to figure out everything perfectly on your own to avoid hurt and disaster. If that's the case, you can fix this! I help people repair their attachment all the time. Send me an email at support@adamlanesmith.com and we can talk about how you can get started feeling better.
Anxious style: self-fulfilling, but the anxious person is right: people can see his anxiety.
Avoidant: I think I have this? To some degree? I would really love to just talk to people logically and have them react calmly without freaking out, but the people who can do this seem to be rare? Perhaps I exhacerbate the situation by assuming from the get go they are not rational enough to handle situations without freaking out.
If people are freaking out, either they are incapable of receiving your needs or somehow you're expressing them strangely so others don't understand. Or it could be both, if you don't have practiced being accepted. Either way, it sounds like communication skills and attachment training would be helpful in resolving this and getting you better connected to others. Have you considered joining my private community so you can meet secure people who will receive you more gracefully, and where you can learn these skills in the group setting?
Great video as always đđđIs an attachment syle like disorganized a root of a personality disorder like borderline later in life?
Attachment issues CAN become personality disorders for some people, though that's the minority of cases. And yes, Disorganized can become BPD when the issues are severe and the person responds in the deepest way to that ongoing pain.
I don't even understand what "being acted upon" means.
On the other hand I remember that (as a kid) I once identified elements of this anxious attachment style and started to ask myself if I'm doing things for others not just to be helpful and feel good about it but also to be liked - and stopped doing that. Somehow I feel as if that's when things started to go wrong. Hmm.
What did you replace that behavior with? Did you just give up on being accepted, or did you find a way to connect with people who want you?
Iâm not sure of what my attatchment style is but based on these descriptions Iâve only dated men with insecure attatchment styles. Iâm suspicious of people but I donât think there are no good people. My husband is definitely avoidant, Iâm not confident Iâm secure just based on my actions in the past. Maybe a bit disorganized or anxious?
After watching this video, I am stuck between Anxious and Disorganised. Which is funny because I used to be stuck between Avoidant and Disorganised some years ago.
I believe most people are inherently malicious and donât like me because Iâm worthless or they are going to manipulate me because Iâm dumb, so I need to be better than them and not need them (I became a physician to never need financial help). I get super warm and overshare or overextend myself when I first befriend someone. But then I start to think theyâve used me or betrayed me (I consider gossip as betrayal), so I impulsively cut them out of my life.
Which one does it sound like?
Stay tuned to my upcoming videos as I'm dedicating a whole video to this exactly explaining all of the types!
2:30 I actually thought that :D
Oh really! Interesting. What other thoughts did that lead to?
I think i sometimes struggle to realise when i am being/have been acted upon by another. and to recognise that how they acted is on them, not on me. hard to realise if the person is a good faith person who doesn't act like i would in good faith. people are different and some are cold or distant and have their own stuff going on that isn't my fault.
This can be very hard! Are you comfortable having those troubling conversations and working cooperatively with them to repair any breaches?
.my relative... She says.. I don't want to be alone..out here ...she tells my other relation.on phone..oh.. .shes here..im ok ..then later.. she told me to pack my bags..she wants me to leave..because Im not cool. I started packing my bag .then she asked why Im packing my bag. Where are you going? She is literally getting on my last nerve. She goes from being super clingy to threaten to kick me out of the entire family..I want her to get help. Im not a therapist.
This sounds so chaotic! Who do you have in your life you can talk about this with? Do you have a therapist or a best friend?
I remember one big moment, this was in high school so it might be too late. But I was a freshmen. And I was very depressed. And I broke down in front of my mom. She asked what was wrong and I said I didn't have any friends. Her response was "you're just throwing a pity party for yourself." and left. I think that was the last time I ever broke down in front of them.
Yes this sounds like fertile ground to learn to never open up to anyone ever again. Now imagine how an entire childhood with her must have shaped your expectations of how others will act... and how they might be completely off!
Im actually not sure what i am, other than i know i am broken.đ I have several diagnosis & am at the moment uncertain what is what. Is it attachment related, childhood trauma sexual abuse related, or the adhd - ocd. I feel like i am more likely to be a mix between both styles but not sure. đ
I didnt learn to share emotions with my family. We didnt communicate well. We didnt talk about our needs or share openly. There was neglect and a lack of empathy. We didnt make decisions together.
That will prime you for a life of being isolated from others and not believing trust is possible. But you can fix that by opening up to 1 or 2 people who are worthy of your trust, and receiving those good relationships with them. Can you do that, or do you need guidance?
I want to share my personal example of how this is manifests as generational trauma & family fragmentation, which I am fortunate enough to be able to track to some extent via family accounts & public records
5 generations back, my ancestor's mother died in childbirth & her father "simply left;" she was adopted by a native American couple & lived a fascinating life in Indian Country. It's clear that her children, born to different fathers, were not particularly close to one another & at times had a troubled relationship with her though she was a rather charismatic personality
Her daughter, who I do not know much about, was seemingly a very private or reserved person with very little recorded of her life... sometimes it's the absence of information that speaks the loudest. She had 2 daughters
One daughter was my grandma who seemed rather resentful of her sister with strong feelings of rivalry. My cousins would describe Grandma as incredibly mean & vindictive. My uncle described his childhood with her as if she were not their mom, but rather their roommate. My mother called her manipulative, a clinical narcissist, & said their life was exactly like the TV show Malcolm in the Middle
My mom moved away but not too far, seeking refuge in the projects. She spoke ill & resentful of Grandma, but would still gift her thoughtful presents on holidays. She lived disgusted by & maladjusted to many mundane facts of life, & frequently questioned her sanity. When she gave birth to me, she wouldn't allow me to be raised by my father because she didn't want anyone to "ruin" me, and did her best to keep me from the influence of her wicked mother. She intentionally stayed isolated & in poverty, seemingly at all costs. I learned a lot of what bad coping mechanisms looked like, vicariously
Today I am a mother of 2 toddlers. I am not accustomed to oxytocin bonding, and it vividly shows; I'm afraid I've made them anxious while seeking my own personal space. I've known from their conception that I would need to reconcile these impulses. Thankfully, I have maintained my marriage with their father, & have even reconciled with my own estranged father (who was impressed that despite my upbringing I don't seem excessively neurotic, showing my mother's efforts were not totally in vain), and so my children have a daily dose of the 2 best male figures I could possibly imagine, as well as their mother who is continually & actively learning despite her inexperience & lacking culture
We are healing very very well from a 200 year old emotional wound steaming back to the early 1800s. It is in fact possible to start any day & see a secure attachment style within your lifetime, no matter how deep the trauma took root
It's incredibly brave and admirable how proactive you are about addressing the cycle of trauma in your family.
Continuing to educate yourself about trauma and healing because it is an ongoing and empowering process.
Connecting with others who've had similar experiences through support groups can also provide you with a sense of shared understanding and practical advice. You're not alone in this journey, and being part of a community can provide immense comfort.
Remember that healing isn't a sprint; it's a marathon. Be patient with yourself.
Can one be mostly secure, but not completely? Like normally good at communicating needs, but occasionally slip into and use passive-aggressive behavior or comments to try and communicate unspoken needs?
Of course! Everyone has bad days
I have a friend, who is more like an avoidant attachment style. I really wana know the other person and understand the person. What can i do here
Great question and very frequently asked, I just did a full training on this in my private community because people wanted to know. Best approach is to ask them what they want and need and to make it clear you want to meet those needs, especially around helping them not feel smothered or trapped.
Can attachment style affect mainly romantic relationships? And say start off as anxious attachment at a younger age, and as you get older and accumulate more damage just turn to mostly avoidant?
Attachment styles do affect romantic relationships as well as social circles. They form in early childhood and can be amplified by life experiences, as in traumatic, damaging experiences just like you've mentioned. Does this help?
One more thing to add to my list of issues đđ€Š
The short answer is: Yes. A lot.
Probably neglect first 3 years, being left with a known violent caretaker for 13 years. Physically, sexually, and verbally abusive. I actually used to bite myself at school when I got in trouble, hoping they wouldn't send home a note after.
Left at 15.5 for my mother. Told people about the sa, something I'd worried since 9 would make people hate me if they knew about. They did. And "officals" made me feel silly for reporting it.
I haven't come through squeaky clean myself. Acted out some in school, at home, made some terrible mistakes.
But yeah, I've gotten to a point where I hate myself, and pretty much expect everyone else to as well.
The most I expect from life, if I repair some of the crap in my life, is being left alone, where at least I can't hurt anyone and vs/vs.
Sometimes I hope for more, but that's all I expect.
That is most definitely a lot of red flags for attachment issues. Iâm sorry youâve had to endure all of this. But I am glad youâre here now and learning about this, even if the answers are painful. Has there been anything so far youâve learned here that has given you hope?
@@AttachmentAdam Yes. Quite a bit. Knowing why people behave certain ways, or why I'm doing it more clearly diffuses things slightly.
The communication videos are also very helpful, especially with struggling to figure out how to talk to people.
The explanation of goals, why they matter, etc;
I guess the topic just brought up some underlying resentment.đ đŹ
Is it possible that one of these "styles" only affects romantic relationships rather than all relationships?
It is possible that you're more insecure when stakes are higher like that, yes. I've coached a lot of people who have that experience.
FOR THE ALGO
Thank you đ€Łđ€
Why would I want to connect and get along with people who bully and harass me? I avoid them because I have an anxious-avoidant attachment style. Why would I want to try and change their behaviour?
Do you find yourself avoiding all people this way? Do you have anyone in your life you've been able to connect with and trust?
@@AttachmentAdam To be honest I avoid most people this way. I have a few people that I'm close to but probably fewer than most people have.
If you ever want to learn about that, check out avoidant attachment style. You donât have to trust everyone but you can learn to filter for the good ones.
Acted upon? You mean somthing harmful done to me?
My first girlfriend who became my fiance cheated, took her back, did it again right after hurricane Katrina.
Told my self I cam be loved. Eventually opened back up
Got married had 2 kids.
My wife abandoned me cheated several times.
Yeats later she wants back together. I struggle because I'm constantly acuous wanting to Clcheck on her and hear from her. Messages that do not get a reply drive me.nuts.
That said , I also hate emotions. They always lead me to be fooled. I hate opening and going trust.
I relate to 4l3 of the styles anxious, avoid, and the mixed. I don't know what I am
I literally am the anxious avoidant! The worse kind!!! Oh no!
What makes you say it's the worst kind? There's nothing you can't fix, and I'm here to help you!
@@AttachmentAdam I appreciate it. Only Jesus Christ can fix this amount of broken.
Mein Vater hat mir unterstellt das das ich schade. Das erste Mal passiert als ich 3 oder 4
I am so sorry. What is your relationship like with him now? And how is this affecting your adult relationships?
Thank you
Thanks for your support.
Continuously reached for validation and approval from my mom only to be blamed and criticized.
I'm sorry to hear about your experience with your mom. It can be incredibly difficult when we seek validation and approval from someone we care about, only to face blame and criticism instead. Remember that you are not alone in this struggle, and many people have faced similar challenges in their relationships. Are you working to improve your attachment?
Told I was lazy and super sensitive as a kid. Got called cry baby as a nickname. I hated it.
That is so awful, and I am sorry. How are you doing with healing from this now?
@@AttachmentAdam Hi Adam, Iâm talking to a therapist on betterhelp and got No More Mr Nice Guy along with yours Slaying Your Fear to help with all of my attachment issues and childhood trauma. Its been eye opening to finally understand how I am and looking hopeful to fix and heal myself so I can move forward
I was "acted upon" by a succubus when I was 23. I was stupid enough to think the morning after pill was bulletproof and that at the very least, a college educated woman would be smart enough to get an abortion (or adoption) if a one night stand told her that he would not participate in raising an unwanted child with her. Of course because the succubus lacked love in her own life, she decided to create a life that would have to love her regardless of it not being the healthiest way to bring a child into the world. I told my nuclear family parents prior to the birth and though they supported me in my decision, they had nothing to offer in terms of thoughts or advice and basically only asked me what I was going to do and then really only talked about it ever again if I brought it up myself. I decided I was better to keep my distance from a train wreck and save my time, energy and resources for a deserving woman that was worth the sacrifice necessary to bring kids into the world. I kept my distance from succubus and child for the first few years but hated myself and become somewhat involved despite hundreds of geographic miles between us. My daughter is 14 now and I like her and see her a couple times a year and talk on the phone once or twice a month but I still think the mom (and any woman who has an "unplanned" child with a man who doesn't want a kid with her) is a piece of trash and that women like her (and the government system that supports it) are bringing down our society. I strongly believe I would have been a great father and partner (and still believe it's possible with a new woman) but have a massive, self-inflicted scar from this woman that has probably made me more avoidant than I already was.....how you like that one, Adam?!
Hey there Nick, thanks for sharing this hard story. I'm sorry to hear all of this, it sounds like a rollercoaster of emotion you've probably experienced. I do like the part where you mentioned you are talking with your daughter and building a relationship. How is that going so far? Is it hard between you, or are you finding yourself able to open up with her and her with you?
@@AttachmentAdam â I have been able to open up a decent amount with the daughter and appreciate her and connect; but, I still hate the mother (despite attempting not to for 15 years) which is obviously not ideal. I feel like she r@ped me as weird as that sounds (I feel like itâs the male equivalent) because as soon as I did what countless 23 year old guys do, she had all the power and I got dragged through the mud (and at any other point in history up until now, itâs the woman - and her child - who would have suffered for failing to do a good job as the gatekeeper). This left me with a massive scar and hesitant with women (b/c lots of women do this b/c our system encourages them to do it). It left me feeling like damaged goods and like itâs harder to get as high of a quality partner as I could have if I never met this woman.
We all know that kids who are raised by parents who desired to have them together fair far better on average than kids raised by single moms. This is pretty undeniable and I hate that or government has policies in place that make this easy to happen to families. Itâs not fair to children or men and it only favors selfish women with low standards.
I already had some form of attachment issues before this, Iâm sure. Now those issues are worse and not made any better by the fact that I have this red pill hate towards any woman who thinks that what she did was OK. If a woman supports abortion but also doesnât support a manâs right to opt out, I canât be with her.
The dating pool gets small very quickly and I only get older. My longest relationship in my late 30âs is a year (and that was rocky) so clearly I need to change something.
@@AttachmentAdam the issue is less about connecting with the daughter - although I wish she was closer geographically so I could do it more - and more about getting over my attachment issues and hate.
@@AttachmentAdam you got any (affordable) programs or anything that can help with this? Cause it would be really nice to break this cycle.
"for a worthy woman" wow. The evil you emit from this message is on par with a demon If anything.