A Survivor's Mindset Toward The Narcissist
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- čas přidán 5. 06. 2024
- After prolonged exposure to a narcissist, you can't help but carry emotional scars. But Dr. Les Carter explains that it is possible to develop a survivor's mindset as you gain keen insights about the narcissist's behaviors. This allows you to apply a "mind over emotion" approach to your future.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder. Since creating his CZcams channel, his videos have received more than 115 million views.
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This Is Me: Setting boundaries with the controllers in your life survivingnarcissism.tv/this-i...
Ready, Set, Connect: Strengthen relationship skills; live authentically survivingnarcissism.tv/ready-...
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They like to call you crazy when you trigger them by saying the truth
Surviving narcissism is akin to being set free from a life sentence without the possibility of parole from having been falsely accused and convicted. Nothing can bring back the time that was lost. The best you can achieve is to live a good life and enjoy every moment of it.
Top notch analogy.
Yeh, they love to appoint themselves judge, jury, and executioner, don't they?
Excellent!
Truth! 😢
That is a very thoughtful comparison.
Never show a Narc your emotions because Narcs are only concerned with eliciting emotional feelings from you. Your emotional reactions will fill their emptiness and will regulate their own feelings.
It’s all about power over you & until you go numb or no contact it will be their number one game
It’s all about power over you & until you go numb or no contact it will be their number one game
It’s all about power over you & until you go numb or no contact it will be their number one game
Well put
It's more of a game. If they can get you to react, they win. It has nothing to do with feeding off emotions. It's just a game to see how annoying they can be before you do something
"If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles." -- Sun Tzu
N😅ce
Yukio, I've heard this sentence long time ago from my ex. He studied "The Art of War". I guess he did so because he had a Narc father but still did not have awareness of Narcissism.
PERFECT!
Thank you for this encouragement.
知彼知己者 百戰不殆 -- 孫子
Being a survivor is better than being a victim. Even better, My mindset has become I am a victor, not a victim. I don’t want to merely survive what I endure from the narcissist, but I want to thrive and flourish. I choose to live victoriously.
Good attitude 👍❤❤❤
Narcissists are professional victims. The real victims can get away and live a happy life.
Amen
Victor! I love it. I am starting my own victorious life. The anger and resentment revisits ( for valid reasons). I acknowledge these, and refocus, reset, recharge.
@@karablake9200 I like those three r’s. Best wishes to you.
Any kind of feeling you show a Narc - whether it is a positive or negative emotion - will feed the Narc, so that they will feel "alive" and seemingly thriving forward while you will be punished, feeling confused and empty.
'My no contact since last May must be "starving" my former narc friend to "death" while I'm "sur-thriving" post-narc with the premise that she won't find anyone better than me, but she'll find someone who doesn't know any better --- or cycles through that ridiculously long list of contacts in her phone --- to which I asked her in a brief moment of some sort of window of her candor and openness, "Kel, if you don't talk to these people anymore, why do you still have their number?" --- her answer: "Just in case I need them for something" ---- that sailed right over my head --- that is of course, until last May when I found Dr. C and other narcissism channels. Thank you Dr. C for all of your help.
communicating with a narcissist anymore than you have to, is like inhaling 2nd-hand cigarette smoke and thinking it won’t harm you.
cheers from southern ontario, canada 🍁
😂😂😂 100%!!!
Any communication is risky they can and will twist your words. Sudden you are the bad guy/ gal.
@@cherobinson6371 absolutely. when the idiot narc can't control you, they will try to control how others see you.
-cheers, steven
I’m still coming to terms with my childhood as a survivor of two narcissistic parents who were both only & unwanted children of older narcissistic mothers. I realize that a happy life was denied me & their deaths came too late to free me. Counseling only worsened the problem. Finally a hospice therapist at my church mentioned that I was probably shamed. A lifetime of their sick projections has made it impossible to know my true self. What a waste of humanity results from narcissistic behavior
Sis, do not despair, I am sorry you are going through it, know that you are not the only one. You have to mother yourself now, you have to. I know you are yet going through such videos but also look 8n to mother-wound, there father wound but I did not have that problem, y fathe passed away he was my hero aslsays stood up to his wife and stood up for us his kids. I digress, Bethany Webster , when you start with her there will be others as you watch her videos on yt, joking her in, there will be a wealth of knowledge. I even got a meditation last year on mother-wound and that has helped, now therapy as well , just had to start as my narc mother is getting older and as an empath in the family she is getting worse, it doesn’t get better. It is YOU that is important and if you give up the win. Again you are not alone sis.
It’s never too late to start again ✨🤗✨ Acceptance of what was caused me the deepest grief for a long time and now I’m free.
At 67, I am beginning to parent myself, the rejected and shamed child within me that never received any love from my mother and siblings. Even after going no contact they still make attempts to try to come back into my life to continue their chaos. The truth is freedom is a beautiful thing! I know my truth and turn over all the hurt they've caused me to God. One day, even if that happens after we die, God will grant me justice. No narc will escape God's judgement unless they repent in this lifetime... let go of the brokenness, inside you is a beautiful person waiting to come out😊
Its never too late to find somebody to love.
Jesus can turn it around
A narcissist is the psychological equivalent of a natural disaster. I have survived a few of each. So, I am definitely ready to learn to feel stronger after being in a narcissist's path.
I suppose it's more dangerous than a natural disaster. Victims often stay in a psychological disaster or are unaware of what's happening. 😰
@@SandraII-in9sl Agreed!
@@yukio_saito Yeah, it's scarry to think how subtle they are, like an invisible storm.
You’ll never be sure at first what the true game is
@@RosyMischief I like your online name. The most recent suspected narcissist I met seemed like my fun new friend but when the person started to become domineering I was thinking - no, we don't go there. I didn't stick around to find out for sure. There's a world of fun, nice people to meet instead.
As a child you survived because of your 4 trauma responses: fight-flight-freeze-fawn. These were your protections. You did not know anything about Narcissism but your body knew instinctively that there was something terribly wrong, because you felt unsafe.
Yes, so true as a child you also learn to cope in the n environment. Physical activity, escaping into the world of book, hiding out, but still it is awful to grow up like that. It helps to have a good school or church community, friendly neighbors and that is probably very different for each child.
Correct, I knew since I have memories of my early childhood that everything was completely wrong in my family and my extended family. It was the parodia of a family model, at the point that in the future, I only had to guess what family means. At 58 I m seeing just the tip of the iceberg. I have apparently just one narc remaining in the family, and she makes it up for 10. You can imagine how much work I have to do ahead, and I have to decide where to start from
I felt safer than I do today in their company that’s for sure.
To survive you need to create a new mindset - mind above emotions.
To heal your trauma responses (fight, flight, freeze, fawn) you need to get aware of your triggers.
To thrive forward you need to focus on your own identity, your needs and your goals.
Yes, the triggers are very in use by narcs to tempt the victim into their vicious spiral of reactivity, guilt trips, shaming, etc...
Amen. So be it.
❤️💯💥😜
The narcissist played a rigged game.
Yes.
Good analogy.
A "relationship" with a narcissist is reigged because they leverage the relationship you think you have against you.
@@AdamKraft-hq8pn , yes while you think " love, trust and working for mutual goal with an equal partner" the narcissist see in you a slave doing everything for him/her. When you start seeing that the narcissist is just a deceiver, a thug, the narcissist turns your frustration against you let you run into a brick wall of cold hearted indifference and that is in my mind the worst part of the n abuse. Emotional detachment and working with the knowledge of narcissism, having resources will return some leverage. Most of all have your own bank account and friends in order to minimally stand being around closely with a narcissist.
Live & let live. Just do it somewhere away from me.
@@Teacher369 Sigh.
Took some time but I understand your comment better.
All that "flipping blame".... Just when it turns into a habit you realize that something is wrong with that person. In the meantime you just take it on you
Surviving/survivor starts as a state of mind.
Confidence and Narcissism are different things.
My mindset is "Quality over quantity." I discern their quality when I engage with new people. I used to have a lot of "friends", but I got rid of them because of their poor quality.
✂✂✂
I ask myself ~ how much is this (new) person genuinely (sincerely) loved by others ~ that's my way of assessing their "Quality".
"Quality over quantity" has always been my mindset as long as I can remember and I even tried to convince the bosses of my working places to etablish this mindset because you will be more succesfull with clients on the long run.
"Quality over quantity" will also guarantee you more possibility to grow in life for you can learn more from one true friend than from hundreds aquaintances.
@@secondhorizon To assess their quality you could better watch how they love others because this tells you much more about their real quality than the other way around.
@@roxymovie3938 So true. I didn't learn anything from those aquaintances.
I've been thinking about quality over quantity recently. Narcissists don't care about quality. Is it just me or do they care more about collecting than they do about enjoying?
A thriver. A thrive mindset , I’m done just surviving- I want to thrive- I am triumphant. IM - possible! it is my divine nature to thrive
As an adult that has become awareness and insight into Narcissism, which is the absence of love, you can make a choice to survive with an approach to set your mind above your emotions. Because Narcs can only survive by any reactions of your emotions.
This was very helpful. It took me 58 years to clue in that my father is incapable of any real emotion. You have described him accurately here. Even trying to impress upon them the need to take care of their health ( like do assigned physical therapy) results in character assassination and vicious accusations. My dad doesn't even know my serious childhood health issues...He had actually tried to send me to elementary school against doctors orders. Back then, kids had to be pretty sick to miss school.
Sorry to hear that. I had that with my parents too
The reason I emerged from him and began my life without him, is because of Dr. C's videos. ❤
Yes Dr C has helped me & taught me so much. I handle things & understand things completely different now & I have strength within. Dr Romni has also been a huge help & between the two of them I feel healed & strong now❤❤❤
Excellent content Dr C ... Please don't ever stop reminding us how important authentic PEACE is!!! Thank you 🙏🕊️✝️ and God bless you and your family ... including Gus of course! 🥰 Yup sadly these toxic individuals are what they ARE! I want to remind all survivors to BELIEVE them the very first time that they show you WHO they are!! Because it's true, they are empty vessels .. there is no truth in them, and definitely no love resides in them to give. The narc is demonically inspired and YOU'RE not going to reform satan!! Pay attention to those red flags because that IS God trying to shine His light on truth. Take the high road, stay ON that narrow path and press forward to abundance and light!! Because MUCH better days are ahead when you say no more! 🙌🙌🙌🕊️✝️💞
I've noticed that no matter what emotion I display it is always "wrong" or "bad" to the narcissist.
For example if I'm having a good day the narcissist will say, "Gee, you're in a good mood today...meanwhile I'm having a really bad day. But glad you're in good spirits. Sucks to suck for me I guess!" So they will "happy-shame you".
If I'm having a bad day and vocalize it the narcissist will either say, "You think you've had it rough! Look at everything I've dealt with today! And here you are moping around feeling sorry for yourself! You should be more grateful!"
OR
"You know what I was having a great day and I don't need you putting all your problems on me right now! Don't you want ME to be happy? Well do you?! How selfish can you possibly be, having a bad day when I'm having such an amazing day! You just can't let me win can you?!"
Crazymaking! Awareness is key. Mind over emotions. Simple answers and then go play with the kitty or do yardwork...😂
Oh, I can relate to this very well!
I wanted to let you know how grateful I am that you share your knowledge and insight. My upbringing and marriage revolved around malignant narcissists. I became too ill to work due to rare autoimmune diseases. I can’t afford a therapist. You and others who understand the devastation have helped so much. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
There are bullies everywhere. People just don't want to be cooperative. They want their way. I never feel safe.
Yes, they ARE everywhere, always on the lookout. My thinking is the bad guys seem more numerous because they have a scarcity mentality, so they are aggressive. Or passive aggressive to draw people in. The nice people don't cross boundaries, so they don't catch attention so much. Anyway, that's my theory for now. I actually met nice people so I am optimistic.
@cyny6305, I believe the bullies are always in need of starting conflict to see which one will "win". Interestingly, they choose to initiate a conflict with someone who they think will easily back down to save the "peace." It's childish. They're unlikely to try to intimidate other bullies.
@@notagain779well you know what, they’re doing me a favour, because I have to waste no time at all engaging with such an individual or having any association, acquaintance, friendship or otherwise. In the dating field, it’s like a new iteration of Tinder - Tinder Platinum, Tinder Plus, Tinder Gold, and now the new real time edition Tinder
It floors me how you always describe pretty much what I am going through, right down to the last tiny detail, Dr. C! Your videos have helped me more than I can ever say, so thank you a thousand times over!
So pleased the videos resonate!!
Timing 11:45 Gus refuses to be in the flunky position! I always visualize Gus when dealing with my narcissistic boss. Total detachment. Love it!
I had 2 narc parents , not a pretty upbringing to say the least . I was the scapegoat of the 5 kids 😅...none of us have a relationship of any substance , it's very sad . As far as my feelings toward my parents , they have to answer for their own behavior as do I . I went through the anger phase and was very resentful about not having a childhood but I'm an adult now & have to move forward to enjoy a meaningful life . That's something neither of my parents ever had . I'm sure in their own twisted minds , that they thought they were just terrific , that's definitely what they expected us to believe . The hard part for me was realizing ( at a late time in my life ) that everything I ever knew was a LIE !! This is rather earthshaking to wrap your head around but quite necessary for me to heal . I just didn't realize that healing was going to take me what is left of the rest of my life . Therapy helps you get ready for that . Best of luck to all of my Team Healthy Family , I'm aware many of us have such traumatic stories .
Are they alive, I think you are here as you are the light of your family, meant to be here to break generational curses. If you and your siblings are close, stick together and don’t let your parents take you down their path as in another video I watched said they get worse as they age, which was disappointing, I thought they would change , stay with your light.
@@iamliyao7430 ..no they are dead , and I am so very grateful for that . I no longer have night terrors and my health has improved exponentially . I don't have relationships with my siblings , except my youngest brother . I have been introducing him to what narcissism is & what we grew up in . He rejected the idea & didn't speak to me for a year . He now understands so much more about it & exactly what happened to him as well . He's grown so much and we talk all the time now . I am no contact with my other siblings bc I choose not to expose myself to any further narcissism in these later years of my life . Freedom is far too precious to me to waste and more of my life frivolously . How sad that is .
Yes, some here, a "world of lies." I asked myself how did I survive that
@@monisantini-kelly6581 🫂🫂🫂💔🫂 I wonder the same thing . 😓
Exact same circumstances ❤️🩹 now I’m 66 & finally freed of all personal narcissistic relationships but still trying to learn how to cope with the devastation in a toxic culture that just promotes narcissism
Narcissism is based in insecurity. My thoughts are the extremes are caused by coddling by and guilt of parents, lack of discipline/accountability in and throughout early life, and a lack of reality based upbringing.
We need to be grounded in reality and become the masters of our own ships. The narcissist is a deeply troubled individual who is filled with fear, shame and hate which get projected onto the others. Your rule of „ mind over emotions „ dr Carter is a golden one. Thank you for your invaluable help and support ❤. God bless you ❤
I love Gus's sleeping look ♥️ he's obviously very content ♥️👏🏻👏🏻
Gus is sooooooo cute
Agreed
Love this one, Doc!
Go ahead and "Skidattle" away from the narcissist's chaos and the multitude of their issues. Make yourself safe....you be the runner...run toward the peace of the survivors' reality, individualize, be your honest self. Put your healthy initiatives foremost.
Pleased!
I loved this one, too! And your interpretation!!! ❤ We just have to Skidattle away!!! Far away!!!😂😳😆
The worst thing is they create emotional upon and dependency and become dependent and hooked on that and it makes it difficult to leave a narcissist and then when you wake up you have cognitive dissonance and you're going back and forth like a yo-yo and then finally you come to the conclusion that you got to get out and escape from it but you're always dealing with that even after you leave that's what's going on in your head with all of this
It is extremely hard to break out of the relationship because of their controlling manipulation. It leaves victims with a subconscious belief that there is something wrong with them, and they spend all their time feeling hurt and confused. Narcissists will never admit that they abuse because they are dependent on you, but this is exactly the case. Get away and stay away. A better life is ahead.
@sue7940 thank you 😊
I like how you put your ideas together regarding staying true to yourself. That takes the most strength and really guides us to heal faster. Knowing they can’t manipulate you because it can’t happen if you’re in reality. Detached. Thank you for your work.
Glad it resonated!!
I stand uo for myself now after years ogf emotional very toxic behaviour from my dad, brother and sister
And the main reason why I feel stronger, is the fact that knowledge gives us power.
They just appreciate those around them who are liket them
It’s like they live in an ecco, They consider themselnes self-sufficient, and they simply need others just for utility purposes
If we can add something new they might see us.Satisfy some of their needs.They very often exploit us
Everyone can have narcissistic traits. It’s the extremes that are scary.
I do want to anchor myself in this mindset. Thank you for the help today!
My husband fits most of the qualities of narcissism, however he doesn't lie. He would fit in the self-righteous narcissism. Everyone is below him and he should be the one to make decisions.
Ask yourself if he has lied to you, in his actions. I was just questioning this aspect.
@@An-mei yeah definitely he future fakes. A Lot.
@@BeckiDawn Do you suspect he undermines you and it is impacting your relationship with others?
Ultimately, you realize that views you hold that are different than his will be used to try to gain coercion and then contempt follows.
It is hard to put it all into words.
@@An-mei Yes. We've been married for over 24 years. I stay because he pays the bills. I pretty much treat him like a roommate. We do our own things and our finances are split into our own accounts. I don't have access to his and he doesn't have access to mine. He makes double to Triple what I make. He's an electrician and I'm a public school teacher.
@@BeckiDawn 6:38 (Secrecy) this was what I was thinking back to at your initial comment.
I am a recent empty nester, I wish you well.
Well put " emotions over mind", that's what narcs are. Thank you for this video
If anyone came up to us and spoke to, or treated us like THEY do, what would we think? Do? If it's not OK in that scenario, why would it be with THEM? A feather can't knock down a concrete wall, and their toxicity should not take us down! Believe them for who they are! Choose Healthy! Stay Healthy!
I chose to be an ocean and a continent away from them and try to heal all the abuse they caused. But when I go to visit them, I feel crumbling in pieces and feel inexorably in hell. My true self stays away, while my body is there dealing with all those distorted realities. I really must learn how to avoid reacting to bad emotions, shaming, and other triggers. My NM is a worldwide skilled triggers juggler.
@@monisantini-kelly6581 I completely understand you feeling the way you do! Been there many times ..stay true to you. Clearly define (for yourself) your boundaries. Whether you communicate them to the toxics in your life- know them. Live them. Stand firm in them. When you are barraged with insults, bad behavior or whatever crap they try and hit you with, know your limit. Live within it. Even if that means tuning them out, walking into another room - or better still - out of the house - or out of the country! Do it. For you. I play a game in my head, sing a song, play a movie...in my head, to myself when I "HAVE" to be there, and limit conversation to the bare absolutely share-nothing-personal minimum. Stay Strong and Stay Connected to Healthy!
Team Healthy
Oh my goodness this is my 93 year old mom to a T! We are now navigating having to transition her into assisted-living. She had a stroke and physically she is fine, but it’s like all of her ways of “masking” her narcissism are gone now and she is convinced everyone is against her that everything she’s experiencing is our fault… trying to get the professionals helping her to turn against us also! This video is helping me to keep my emotion out of things and get some help from professionals. Thank you.!
Wow, this episode was really helpful. I've been watching Dr. Carter for years but this episode is a "keystone" moment for me. Everything he's been telling me/us/his CZcams following, today all came together and solidified in my mind and made complete sense. Thank you Dr. Carter.
These people really do exist. Oh my God.
This makes so much sense. Common sense. Thank you dr C and of course Mrs C and Gus as well. I love this community here on team healthy. 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼😊🥰🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼❤️🩹❤️👍🏼
Yes. They are a runner. A runner and chaser dynamic is unhealthy. A twin flame is a new age like way of saying a trauma bond.
Just enough doubt of your judgement to see them as safe.
@@An-mei Yes. You may feel at home when you are in a trauma bond.
@@yukio_saito Not comfortable, it's cold and feels calculated with moments ...of..what I've learned is civility.
Dr. Carter, this video is a content bucket that is overflowing.
Bravo!!!
I never signed up for this , this is horrible. 😢
It’s just the beginning, once you acknowledge it, it takes work but YOU can do it, Yes you can.
I tell my 20 yr narc husband the same frequently, I never signed up for ANY of this.
@@iamliyao7430 If you can name it, you can tame it! 👍
Hi guys. Now I've also joined the ranks of those who have suffered from narcissistic abuse, particularly religious narcissistic abuse. I experienced it firsthand. It's very upsetting, because I have a very deep relationship with God, and the narcissistic woman I was communicating with dared to encroach on my relationship with God. She had the audacity to claim that I was grieving the Holy Spirit, even though I had done nothing wrong. She said this from a position that she has perfect relations with the Holy Spirit. She found something to accuse me of and called on me to repent before God. And when I told her that I recognize my mistake in something, that wasn't enough for her. In her opinion, I didn't repent enough. You know, I'm a Christian too. But the last thing I'll do is call on someone to repent. It's too arrogant and brazen to interfere in someone else's spiritual life and relationship with God, calling for repentance. This should never be done forcibly. It's the most voluntary act that should be - to turn to God for forgiveness. If someone strongly urges you to apologize to God, you're dealing with a manipulator. And this manipulator is in no way interested in your development in God's plan, but only in having control over you and dominating you. Be healthy and take care of yourselves.
The evidence of God's presence is love, not accusations. Stay consistent!
Skadattle is a great word, Dr. C! Indeed, they absolutely do that very well! Lol
Trying to survive has become a daily struggle.
Thank you Dr C, I needed to hear this.
Thank you, Dr. C! I am currently going through the process of separating. He is stalling and still trying to hang on to the control. Everything that you mention in the video he is doing. Thank you for helping me stay on the path to healing!! ❤
Hit 370k today . thanks for the knowledge and nuggets you had thrown my way over last months.started with 8k in February.
Dr. C, this is EXACTLY what drew me to your channel a few years ago! Thank you for helping me heal.
Glad it was helpful! You know I'm pulling for you, Wendy.
Survivor!❤🐕
What is so upsetting is that self blame. If only, if only.. After you've realized you are being discarded, that is when you start to understand that when you were so busy trying to keep it together they were actively dismantling you and your family in a slowly. You start feeling justified anger. That is when you start to find room to move. You've been paralyzed for too long.
That's when you stop hearing their blame and start thinking about how you were being punished, ignored, abandoned, and just disregarded. How you weren't allowed to resolve family problems.
Thank you! 🌹You nailed it!☘️
my twin brother is an extreme narcissist there is no healing them the only solution is zero contact
Survivor not a reactor
Still trying to stay in control 🤦♀️
Mine won’t stop until you engage
Wow! I'm stumped.
It’s just a state of mind
As always, thank you Dr. C for the wise advice.
If you are in a government job with a union. Take notes of your narc supervisor. Get on the side of the union for a witness to the craziness. And file. If you’re a combat vet. It will take a mountain to get rid of you. That supervisor probably won’t get fired. They will just get moved. Take notes. Keep your temper under check. And have confirmed witnesses to jack the narcissist world. Because they would do the same for you. If this narc provides undue stress make sure you call the employee emotional counseling helpline. It will do you good and be one more piece of paper to help you out. Don’t threaten follow through on your paperwork they would do the same for you.
Thanks!
Thank you Dr C! Great video. Very validating and helpful re: moving on in a positive and healthy way
I don't think social workers should be allowed to be therapists. Maybe its like everything else, there are too few therapists to go around. They tend to be detached and unhelpful. Psychologists (PhD) can be good or bad.
But thank you for a good description of the path that needs to be followed. You've provided very clear justification for why you should not depend on a narcissist. Thank you for being a good therapist.
Thanks for the insight and advice Dr C, nice to see Gus in the back, having a little nap!
Narcissists reliably belittle my helpful intentions with passive /aggressive insinuations that intend that they have no respect for any factual conversation i present. i wish i could stop when they ask me if what i am saying is "stupid" so to speak and just say nothing more.
Dr. C. My happiness, sense of safety and security, sense of self, esteem and self confidence are mutually exclusive from his insidious behavior and actions. I bought into something that was never real. I entered the entanglement in good faith. It's his pathology not mine. I own my goodness, empathy and love of people. I chose to be healthy. I kicked him out of my life and locked the door. I was left to pick up the pieces and come to an understanding having to process what had happened and how I could move forward. It's been 2 years now and he's become a distant memory. I can no longer see him in my rear view mirror. I'm a better person for discarding him. I met the devil and walked away after 8 years. I discarded him because there was nothing more I could do. I could only save myself.
Thanks for another video Sir! These sessions are very comforting to me, especially when I'm feeling not okay. It's concrete wisdom and knowledge in a natural and friendly form, tone. Stay strong friends, we are survivors and a new, beautiful life will eventually emerge in front of us, in time.. :)
I enjoy my own company.
Thank you . Best yet!
So, this whole mental health thing is a matter of acquiring as much truth and dispelling as many false beliefs as possible (and having the will, ability or resources to do it).
(I still think some "therapists' don't act from a place of sincerity.) I don't want to discourage anyone from seeking assistance but all therapists are not equal.
Upon reflection: My previous definition of "therapy": "Now this is where we invalidate your feelings and ignore you."
It has been a long journey. I was promised a voucher for housing and now the clinic I have been seeking therapy for years from has backpedaled on that promise. I don’t know how to proceed at this point. Maintaining inner peace has been easier with your help Dr. C. At the same time, my clinic giving me false hope for safety is taking its toll. It is what it is and I am tired for sure.
Narcissism is a chosen way!
Let me ask you this question,
All the healthy people, including team healthy, did we have this perfect parents and upbringing? No we did not!
We choose health and logic and love.
Narcissism is chosen way!
Hi Fred....It is a combination between inborn wiring and choice. They indeed do have options, but over the years I've concluded that (unlike you) some people simply do not have the capacity for insight.
This is a topic I've been tossing around in my head quite a bit lately. I sincerely suspect that it, like many if not most topics, is more complicated than we think. My husband's narcissism seems to have been caused by an abusive, emotionally neglectful and traumatic childhood. I suspect he has the capacity of self-reflection but is afraid to pursue it or trust what it tells him about himself and his family. My mother's narcissism seems to have been caused by the unintentional emotional neglect of her teenage mother and the imbalance between her mother's personality and her father's (who was very attentive to her, when available). She is still a huge mystery to me, but her narcissism seems to be more by choice. My analysis of life, to this point, relied heavily on personal choice and responsibility, yet I'm starting to acknowledge the real effects of victimhood and what it might drive you to do. I'm still trying to figure it all out and bring some balance but I suspect we'll really never know 100% for sure until judgement day.
@@SurvivingNarcissism I've learned since listening to you that I'm not as good at identifying emotional states as well as I thought; and, I'm not going to ask this question correctly because I don't understand the topic, which is why I'm asking. Is it possible that self-reflection is or can be taught or learned as much as be an inborn characteristic? I feel/believe I learned more about emotional dynamics from watching movies as a kid than anything else. I was very focused on it. I don't think I'd be the same person I am otherwise.
@@SurvivingNarcissism yes I agree, on one hand the factor of inborn start the narcissism and lack insight keeps them going, I may have inherited some of narcissistic characteristics but as I grow up through so many external and internal inputs I have been warned that these characteristics do not have a happy ending and being on team healthy reinforced and redirected me, because I was simply seeking, seek you shall find.
I saw in your newsletter that you spent your holiday in England. Did anybody recognise you? In front of Big Ben you are Dr Carter as we know you. Hope you had a good time.
No one seemed to recognize me, but that’s fine. To my wife’s amazement it has happened several times in public places.
Mind over emontions...Way cool Dr.C! I find if i make a comment then i remember it better...being that its insightful...i dont wanna forget it right away.Thanks for your precious advice❤
You're quite welcome.
Constant triangulation and grandiositie!
Wow 😮 my husband always refers to himself as a runner
Sometimes, all you can do is mark and avoid them.
Thank you for this. I can't believe how much of a difference this one word switch makes. It really has put me on the path to changing my whole mindset.
So pleased for you.
An especially good video -- although I've been tremendously helped by watching many of them -- Thank you, Dr. Les Carter. 🎁
I took some notes to remind myself:
"These people are deeply troubled & disturbed ... won't listen to reasoning ... you are dealing with a runner ... no internal peace to draw upon ...[cannot know who you are.]"
And the healthy, growing response:
"You're going to need to individualize your growth efforts... 'I need to prioritize what I know is wisest and best - and then, I’m not shocked when they continue to (be how/what they are).
In good conscience I’m going to go ahead and put my healthy initiatives forward and when they can’t go along with me I’m like, Yeah. But I’m a survivor, I’m not a reactor, and I’m going to take my own healthy initiatives.'" {check! ☺}
I’M GOING TO BE TRUE TO WHO I AM.
Soooooo Helpful!!!!! ♥🐕And I know Gus agrees! ➡ We are all worthy of being loved by those who are capable of it.
Glad it resonated!
Gus is so cute in this video!
I needed to hear this video today. At this time I'm learning with This is me course. After, for sure I will pursue with the Anger game. Knowledge is power, for sure. And Gus, so happy to see you there !
Thank you, Dr. C.
Do narcissists know what they are doing? Or have they slowly normalized their behavior over the years?
Thank you !!
Your segments are so helpful to me!
You are so welcome!
Great topic. Thank You
Dr C! 🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯
Had one today challenging me and I never answered him. He tried to stare me down. Smirk. I stared back and never let down eye contact. He tried something else still arguing . Told I wasn't arguing with him. So he kept it up. He said he couldn't hear me so I told him to shut up then and get his narcissistic crap out of here. He heard that just fine. I never answered his dumb questions. Made him mad. When I pulled up my phone to tape him, he took off mad. Wanted to mow in my yard. No trespassing sign there. Retired school counselor.
Once you see for who they are it’s really now indifferent kinda stonewalled n like life lesson your learn a new trick how to spot a gaslighter n how to respond appropriately now knowing you eeee never crazy
I now suspect narcissism in quite a few people. There is such a thing as healthy self. Interest and some selfishness. However, narcissists are people who are easily. Insulted, get defensive and vindictive, I'm seeing it in. More than 4 out of 10 people.
Thanks!
Thank you.
So that explains it. I called him Tuesday evening while at Work, he didn't answer or call me back, so I texted him on Thursday morning to see what happened? Why was my call ignored? He immediately goes into gaslighting, and tells me he doesn't remember my call? Duh, it's in your call log as a "missed call." What kind of response is that? I don’t understand the mind games or manipulation.
Amazing timing, really appreciate this one and your last video as I’m not going no contact on my parents (I think my dad is a covert), my brother is textbook covert & can be so mean how he treats me & fam, mostly passively & manipulating. He knows I know so he stopped connecting when I stopped playing his games. It makes me really sad that that’s my family & grieving the relationships I thought I would have and grieving they don’t have my back. Long long process for me to get my mind around how to cope & deal w my enabling parents. Thank you Dr Les!!
Thank you.
I think my case it does not matter .. my doctor rang me . He said I have a growth in my life stomach it does not look good . So I just like to say thank s for the help you give me .
I am very sorry to hear this bad news. Medicine is capable of many great things these days. Follow your doctors' advice and continue to forge ahead. I know we all send out best wishes toward your recovery.
That's very good if you
I really appreciated rhar
I hope you find the best care, you deserve it. ❤️🩹
9:45. That is an absolute hoochie Scorcher!!!! Lmao.
❤️ Dr. C ❤️💥💯 Thank you !
Married 23 years, 5 kids 19 and under and my eyes were just opened in 2022. I am standing up for myself and our children but his behavior continues to worsen, more distance, more bitterness, more disordered behavior. Once this switch has been made does it only get worse? I am not going back to who I was earlier in our marriage.
I feel like I’ve been on autopilot for the last two decades. Five children as well. I’m focusing on me and my children only. Peace for me and my mind.