8 Tactics Narcissists Use To "Train" You To Comply
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- čas přidán 11. 07. 2024
- Being emotionally needy, narcissists want you to satisfy their cravings for significance. But instead of discussing their needs constructively, they use manipulative tactics to force you into their mold. Dr. Les Carter helps you spot their tactics so you can sidestep their efforts to "train" you to tend to their neuroticism.
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pay close attention to every time, you feel tempted to modify your behaviour in order not to offend a narcissist .
Don’t participate in your own conditioning.
I agree compltelu. Ised to I would just do as they pleased. Sometimes I do modify on front of them when I don't know what else to do but I am no longer on autopilot.
This is such good advice. I had to learn the hard way. Now I'm on a slow painful but delightful journey back to myself. Modifying my behaviour, for the sake of "peace", modified my life in the worst ways. Wishing everyone best on their journey.
EXCELLENT ADVICE!!
Yes I did have to modify my own personal self to keep peace. I use to get anxiety from it. I'm getting better since I left him about a year and a half ago
That’s an incredibly powerful and enlightening thing to say. I now realise without tacit consent from the victim, the narc loses their power. It took me years to realise what my abusive mother is, in fact it was only through outlets such as this one. She has terrorised me for years (covertly). “Don’t know what I did to deserve you” “you have mental problems” etc etc. Coupled with the silent treatment and mocking me for discussing topics in books I may have read (that she didn’t understand as she’s NEVER read a book in her life). She would read these words and say “oh woe is me”. I’m not looking for sympathy, merely understanding of the situation. How can I fix a problem I don’t understand?
They are exhausting in every sense of the term. Endless whining, complaining and neediness, while constantly tearing you down. Classic
My narcissist resorts to sobbing nowadays when she can't have her way whereas last time she tried domination, gas lighting n blaming with the help of her flying monkeys. But by the grace of God last year I finally learned the truth about narcissism n its negative effects on others, gradually healed myself n started no contact with this pest, started raising my standards of relationships in both personal n job wise, n set personal goals for myself in 2021.
Exactly. Their conversation is exhausting. Especially through text.
I hear you. It's nice to have a place like this where we can just vent a little and you understand that we'll understand. I always felt a little petty trying to explain these things to someone who doesn't understand. I felt almost like I was the one complaining about small things. Before the internet, I didn't know what the hell narcissism was. But I understand. It's not just a bunch of small things. I hear you.
@@silverdolphin1123 Yep. That's familiar. You're constantly put into this no win scenario where when you point out how their behavior is harmful, you're met with tears and turned into the bad guy in lieu of being belittled and abused. And people who don't know can't fully understand. I remember not know what narcissism was too. It's so great just to be able to chat with people who understand. Congrats on your recent success.
Then they get mad when anyone else complains.
‘...it’s not really a relationship’ - never a truer word spoken.
Mine was a relationshit lol ... the worst 9 years of my life
a relationship is built on honesty , not projection, denial, lies and demonization . Truth is violent to them. They must be perfect, and they will destroy you to appear good.
Buddy technique - 'We're all in this tog
Relationshit.
... it's a hostage situation.
I was just thinking of a friendship i cut off recently. He tried to negotiate: with threats, bullying, and abuse. I realized at that moment, this was never a friendship after all, it was a hostage situation.
I’m autistic (Aspergers) and a co-worker treats me like an easy mark so I cut off all communication that is not absolutely necessary to perform the job.
Stand tall in your self worth. Good for you.
Good for you!
You did the right thing! If he/she does it again, around others-- just let THEIR words hang in the air- EVERYBODY will avoid communication with them for shame!!
Sondra Atkinson she’s been laid off for three weeks now and even the people higher up are beginning to see the lack of tension and the re-cohesion of our crew and they have said as much. That needs to be conveyed up the ladder I think...
The reality is that people who treat people poorly, are of low vibration and how they behave indicates that. Try never to waste your time thinking about them or situations they create. It’s not unusual for them to enjoy drama at the expense of others.
Thank goodness for the internet. Narcissists are far more effective when you don't know what narcissism is. I still remember watching that first video and having all this put into clinical terms that made sense. It's like the world finally began to make sense.
Same!!!
YES!!!
@@harleyquinn5774 Riiight me too! @paul the skeptic
@@christar9527 Sheesh. Just one is enough. More than one must have been hell. I hope everything worked out for you in the end.
Absolutely. They are indeed a species of predators, and empaths are their prey. It is very amazing how predictable their behavior is once you understand the patterns. However, I have learned that you must pay attention to a lot of subtleties, and especially your own initial gut instinct. The very first feeling you get when you meet someone. Otherwise, you might end up being manipulated by a narcissist who is just better at fooling you than the last one. It has happened to me before and I think I have finally gotten to a point where I can recognize it early enough not to get sucked in. But I will never let my guard down because I did that before, and that’s what got me into trouble. My first instinct has never been wrong. Doubting it always was
If you have to walk on eggshells in order to have a relationship.. you need to run.. who wants to live like that?
May God help me. I wondered for so long why I always felt so bad about myself now I realize I'm living with a Narcissist ☹
@@michelle1078
I pray that you find a way to escape...
When you are with a narcissist they make you feel like you're crazy!!!
They abuse you emotionally and sometimes physically...
I do not believe they know how to love and they have absolutely no empathy!
I hope you have people in your life who can help you get away from the abuse!
God bless you
@@ddss3042
Yes absolutely..... Being around a narcissistic person will bring you down and make you feel less than human....
Easiest test to see if someone is a Narc:
* Say ‘no’ to one of their requests & see how they act....
They freak out. Lol
A Full on War is then declared!! Prepare for battle and try your best to keep your sanity. Lol
So true!
Silent treatment like you don’t exist. Then making it obvious they have gone elsewhere for what you didn’t provide.
Mine at first would act ok 👍🏼 with saying no then pay back came later but it was subtle. Two weeks later ignore you at a wedding, behave in the covert slap in the face
A behavior I struggled with for many years was that he did not care what I thought, felt, or needed. But then he would turn around and do "something" for me. Something I did not want or need, he would do this even when it was clear I did not want what that thing was. Then he would demand that I be grateful, or else he would hound me until I thanked him generously. Without fail, he would come back to me to reciprocate in the manner of his choosing.
If for whatever reason you don't leave the relationship then you are left with choosing to be numb a good deal of the time. I don't recommend it as a lifestyle.
And that something good would be done so that people would say What a great guy! But, alone, he is as nasty a person as I never knew was possible.
What's sick is parents who do this to their children. Growing up this way is awful and yet in their mind "things weren't that bad"
OR..."it coulda been A LOT worse." Smh 😒
Welcome to my world. I grew up with a mother who is a narcissist. I hate birthdays because my mom would buy what she would have wanted, not what I told her I wanted.
@@ajohnsal same
@@nmc1859 Lol my nmom would say “Some people out here do drugs in front of their kids and have a bunch of dudes coming in and out of the house! They don’t even feed their kids!!!” As if as long as you aren’t doing those specific things it automatically makes you a wonderful parent. Going by that logic the bar to be a good parent is pretty low then. And what’s funny is my ndad was a drug dealer, a stepfather to my other 3 siblings (hit them, constantly argued with them, and I think there were even accusations of sexual assault, oh and he’s also a pedo), and both of my nparents made me have an unhealthy relationship with food and be overweight as a kid.
..They definitely don’t live in reality.
Having no frame of reference is amazing. My friends in my teens laughed at me at school over the way my father acted. Controlling abuse can run riot if you're materially comfortable and complaining about it can look weak, spoiled and ungrateful. I used to just shrug because i didn't have the terms to explain, but i knew other people came from homes with kindness.
Gas lighting, flying monkeys, blaming, shaming, silent treatment, triangulation, love bombing and being hot and cold
Well said.
You got that ✅ right
100%
All of it! And here i would be running after each bad behavior trying to defend myself, Explain, beg, only to leave n be love bombed, return.... its how you get traumabonded
Big yup !
1) The Buddy Technique 2) Offering Intellectual Empathy 3) Now You Owe Me Tactic 4) Appeal to Both Loyalty and Guilt 5) Words of Incredulity 6) Ongoing Invalidation 7) Use of Threats (Silent treatment, Stonewalling, etc.) 8) Use of Anger and Criticism
Thank you. It is exactly like all of the above.
When he got to #8, I began to put the puzzle together and LEFT after 20 months of marriage and slowly cooking me in preparation for his game. As a mental health RN, I had dealt mostly with depression, anxiety, bipolor and schizophrenia disorders as personality DO don't usually go inpatient. I was sooo coached by him I had no idea. So you know I'm being smeared by now. But it's not going to bring me back. I have a purpose he does not see. I'm learning...thanks for teaching me and all of us who didn't see it coming. Covert is definitely not easy to see and deal with. Now. How do I heal? I'm in therapy. Patience is necessary, I know!!
Omg the criticism. Nothing was ever good enough for my ex. It was “almost” good enough every time.
“If only this had more salt”
*i add more salt
“If only this has less salt”
“If only it didn’t make your shoulders look so small, you would look nice.”
“If only these flowers smelled nice.”
It’s horrible.
@@wishingonthemoon1 that is sign of a garbage person. Throw them in the garbage and slam the lid 😂
All of the above are true
"Their's is the only opinion in the room that matters. Be quiet and go along with what they want you to do... It's really not okay for you to be you"...100% true.
Right!! friggin losers. Ugh!!
Yes, you're defective because you aren't them.
Absolutely, you can't be who you are, you're ONLY allowed to be who and what they want. I saw this being played out to the fullest when my son married one. I'm still waiting on him to realize that he needs counseling to be able to recognize what's been done to him. He's angry with me for being able to see her for who she is. I just want him to be who he is and who he was pre-her. He was an AWESOME, kind, considerate, loving, well-rounded, young man that was railroad by one of satan's imps. Today, he's an empty shell of her because that's all he was allowed to be.
Right, because you will never meet the mark. Never be good enough. Even if by some miracle you did meet the mark…., they’d then change the mark.
The worst part is that once you have been conditioned by a narcissist parent, you send out 'signal's' to all the other narcs unless you work on yourself to change. It's no wonder you end up with narc bosses and partners later in life.
Yup. It's like you have a sign on your back "kick me."
Betsy, the same applies to me, but after finding out about narcissism, I started to see through the conditioning tactics and I have also worked on increasing my level of self love.
Very happy about the result- less emotional pain and confusion.
This!!!
By God’s grace & with His help, I’m breaking this generational curse for my daughters. They are wise to these things, because I “woke up” while married to their dad. My dad was also a narc. My mom died of Alzheimer’s, completely unable to think or care for herself. I made a decision that my narc husband wasn’t going to completely rob me of myself. Now, my daughters can go out into life with necessary information to keep them safe from people like this.
Amen to that. I have a trifecta. Mom, husband, boss.
As soon as you dispose of one narcissist in your life, there will be another showing up to take their place, stay strong and smart and always remember to observe others BEFORE engaging. Merry Christmas, everyone!
So true Glen Amen and Merry Christmas!
True story, I left my ex narc...and another one was right there...I saw what he was and didn't try to be nice about it, have all the proof just blocked,!
@@missy3505 Yes, we learn to polish our armor. One time after I was divorced, a guy I was dancing with said, "You don't have to be so defensive." I hadn't even realized that I had put up a shield, but my instant response was, "Yes, I do."
That's so true! They're integrated in the world so they are everywhere, and it's up to us to see for who they are, trust our judgment, intuition, and perceptions, and walk away fast before they do any real damage.
Right now we have the lockdown governors. "It's for your own good! If you go to work/visit your friends/go to the store you'll be in danger!" "It's just for fifteen days -- just to flatten the curve. You can do that!" Then it becomes "You'll just have to trust us to tell you when it's safe to go to work/visit your friends/go to the store."
As soon as you question their psychopathic behaviour they loose their hearing, they go dumb and don't understand, they get a headache and make an excuse, they make it into something else or have a little tantrum but they will NEVER take you seriously or acknowledge your point. WALK AWAY.
Yes! I don't understand, or I'm having chest pains...smdh more manipulation!
The headache 😂
@@outtamyfeels2116 that line was used on me just today!!
They try to ignore any questions of, change the subject or try to say they were, "just kidding". When I did get an apology, it was fake and empty. It looked like it caused them severe pain to fake the apology. It took me years to forgive myself for allowing myself to be manipulated, used and abused. Even giving me an std and tried to blame me. Truly horrible people..
Yeah my son's girlfriend when she gets backed into a corner she starts yelling and asking me questions but won't allow me to answer she'll say oh why don't you like me is it because I'm a good cook or I keep a clean house is that why you don't.... So I said to her well no those aren't the reasons but there's plenty of other reasons I could tell you if you'd let me
My ex was forever saying "I'm not like that" whenever I tried to call him out on his bad behaviour. He'd act so injured like I was truly horrid for thinking bad of him. Truth is yes he is exactly like that.
YES EXACTLY!! Our whole realtionship was like that and I saw from the beginnig who he was- he was soo hurt about me thinking badly of him and convinced me every time "he is not like that" and I totally fell for it.
Maybe they're trying to convince themselves.
This is a classic deflection tactic. They're bouncing the bad back onto you. Mirroring you. They need you to feel bad so they can feel good. The term narc is related to reflections and mirrors and so when you call them out you might as well be talking to the wall. Understand that there's no real person there. Just a thing that looks like a person but isn't real. Narcs are 100% fake.
Another classic comment when confronted with their own bad behaviour is 'you're always painting me black', said in a contemptuous, superior tone...making you the bad person, not them. Truth is, we can all be bad at times but Narcs are bad all the time. Even when they appear to be nice, there's an alterior motive that's all about them getting what they want.
My ex narc used to say "you know me...I'm not like that". He said this during a hoover attempt. I told him "no I really don't know you nor do I wish to"...no response to that and have been no contact for 2 years. Thank goodness!
Another one he used "I know you won't believe me when I tell you this". Well he was right there...I didn't.
When an NPD says: "We TRUST each other!" It means: "I expect you to continue to treat me in a totally trustworthy and accommodating manner. And although in fact I quickly and profoundly betrayed your trust, I deny it and I will forever demand that you give your trust to me."
They create havoc in every possible direction around those they see as their prey/family, and then suggest as they pat themselves on the back that they're the keepers of the solution to the problems they created. Of course, their only solution is to pity others who disagree while carrying on with more of the same.
Soooooo true
Forgive? They didn't do anything wrong. It's your fault for misunderstanding the situation
Amen
I think another thing they do is create chaos to cause you distress. You’ll back down pretty quickly often to make what they’re doing stop.
Yes, absolutely !!!
Absolutely correct
Yes
Yes! Not only do they create chaos but they conflate issues, blow them so out of proportion in order to illicit a reaction from you that recognizes their worries/stress.
Tells me he's out, having a drink but won't say with who. Or he went to a hockey game, but refuses to say with who... because he knows the threat of him cheating is what triggers me the most.
So cruel.
Because I’m such an empath, narcissists get to me by telling their stories about horrible childhoods and terrible and abusive ex’s. My empathy kicks in and I start giving in to everything. This is also based in how I grew up and the excuses my mom made for my dad. I’ve decided that from now on when someone tells me this stuff, I’m going to ask what they are doing to deal with these issues - therapy, groups, etc. If they say nothing or why should they because they are not the problem, I’m out.
Their excuses/lies.
LisaDunkle, Im going to use that, because its a pattern that has gotten me into exploitive situations, and now it causes me to shut down and become completely distrusting, which isnt very healthy or personally empowering either!! Best to You, from Oregon 💜
Excellent.
I frequently heard "I enjoy helping you however I can" but if I requested help, it was always denied. Then I would hear "I've done so much to help you."
Omg yes
Happy to help another good one.because why would he help his mother with medical treatment?
I have done so much for you. Common statement.
OMG, yes. My narc would "help" all the time, with no awareness of the difference between helping and interfering. If I resisted being interfered with ("thanks, I can do this myself..."), I was "sooo hard to help!". But weirdly, if I ever actually ASKED for help with something, I was just outrageously unreasonable and selfish, and would get yelled at.
This. My dad will insist 'oh I love driving, it's no problem' whenever I'd express appreciation for how he drops me off at work (which was every time he dropped me off. I made a point to be very appreciative). And then when he's mad at me, he's all 'oh you use me as a chauffer, you don't appreciate anything I do, I'm sick of doing things for you' etc.
Intellectual empathy: their ability to read your emotions state in order to use you or hurt you~ NOT to empathize with you 😡
Exactly and society is allowing these people to run free without repercussions alot of them kill their victims! Everyone is profiting but there are no resolutions! Wonder why!?🤔
these people are demon cesspools straight from hell. Its worse when they're all pleasant and smiley about it. You learn after awhile. Ive never been a violent person but I would want to psychically hurt some of these people if it weren't for my faith.
By identifying your vulnerability they feel less vulnerable. ...🙋
Yes! Mine would turn on all the lights so he could "see my face", he is a auto finance manager, he was trying to read me! I told him to quit reading me, I'm not you f'ing customer!
I'd like to not refer to it as intellectual empathy but malignant non empathy.
They pick you up, play with you and throw you down when it suits them because they are just overgrown toddlers. When you don't comply, they throw a tantrum/rage and you learn to say yes when you don't really want to.
You suppress your true emotions and resentment builds up over time, you become a different person and one day you snap.
This was spot on sadly.
This was and is Me. Everyone thought I was crazy now I'm letting it all out since I'm going no contact I can see clearly it was the relationship. Some believe some don't.
Very accurate!
I have such a boss. Normally you become mad and start to discuss but they like that because they know you will loose this game and so it's fun for them. It's often astonishing how the victims are well chosen in the lower ranks while the higher positioned people will have a good contact, be it with distance. So these people will never see something fishy is going on.
You just described 12 years of my life!
My narcissist wife was so good at it that she managed to turn most of my family against me after she discarded me. I lied for years about how great she was out of a sense of loyalty. I didn't realize it at the time, but she was sharing every argument we ever had behind my back to my family members, her family members, and even my female boss. In the end, she cost me my job and most of my family before I figured it out.
Narcissists are genius's at instigating conflict & then feigning the victim so as to disempower & invalidate their target.It's a horrible betrayal
@@carpathianken it should be a criminal fraud, a marriage and child raising fraud and severely punished. I don't know about you but I took my vows seriously. He didn't. He married me, not ever intending to take them seriously, but how was I to know after the love bombing and the manipulation?
My fiance would always tell me how everyone is trashing me behind my back and shes the only one who supports me. Of course i found out she was the one talking bad about me behind my back while i sat there like a clueless idiot
Wow my narcissist boyfriend who I live with literally told me I “need more training” today because I “talk back” and I should just “say okay”...gotta get out of this situation but these videos are extremely helpful and comforting. 💛
Hello
So, your boyfriend is a stupid narcissist?
You need to get out fast ....or you could try the passive aggressive defiance....even when he tries to sweet talk you into compliance
Wow he sounds all kinds of sick- hope you got free of that!
@Angela Williams Are you a child? No. You are an adult, you aren't 'talking back' you are responding. That's called Communication. Narcs can't handle communication because it reduces their control, and they have no interest in your input into your own life. I hope you are free now and living a better life.
When children are brought up by these narcissists, they're groomed from the day that they're born and they don't know that they can think differently. Children of narcissists have the most difficulty in reshaping their brain and learning that they don't need these narcissists in their lives.
Just explained my life. idk what’s normal but for some reason I’m still so kind after being betrayed my whole life!
@@joshuabailey346 That's wonderful! Now you have to learn how to be kind to yourself.
@@jingjingtian you’re so right. I’m horrible to myself but so nice to everyone else and I just want them to treat me like I treat them but it seems everyone I’ve met in life has been just like my mom. I’ll figure it out one day hopefully 🙏🏾
@Sickofit November we got this. If we made it through with them we can make it through anything!
@@joshuabailey346 same here
Personally I have found not to respond to their behavior and walk away. That's when you are in control.
If you can walk away right away before getting all of your ducks in order in preparation for doing so without putting yourself in far worse peril.
That put's a big long sharp knife in their disgusting guts.
Way easier said than done.
Yep!!! Just did this for the 2nd time did it first 3 months ago, he tried to come back I simply ignored 👌🏾
True. A narcissist will always want to have the last say, and to communicate to them only signals to them you are right back under their control. No apology necessary. Keep walking.
This is a great break down of the blanket term “gaslighting”. As all these tactics are inflicted, you lose yourself and forget who you are. I once said to my husband, “Why do I always have to be fixed? I don’t want to be fixed!” In our relationship, he was always right and I was always wrong. Everything about me had something wrong with it. I’m so glad it’s over.
If someone doesn't accept you as you are then they don't love you. Period!
@@evolvingthedarknesstarot6177 have you ever loved a narcissist? Do you love them as they are?
I found myself saying similar things to my ex as well. “What if I’m not broken??”
@@sarahs3988 no one is interested in your bait
Congratulations on ending it w/ the narc in your life. “Free at last…”
When dealing with a narcissist, "the road to hell is paved with good intentions."
Good one.
Right on !
I laughed out loud!
Just was told this yesterday
Absolutely!
You have to be mentally strong to keep a narcissist in your life. I know a few, I speak to them occasionally but they don't get close enough to play their little miserable games. They know who to attach to and who to stay clear of. They prey on emotionally dependent people. Always remember who you are and never allow these people to abuse you. They really don't have power unless you give it them.
Well said
I agree
You have to be strong to get a narcissistic *out* of your life!
@@eclectigirl lol. That's true also. It's like a full-time job. You spend so much energy and effort into simply protecting your boundaries and constantly reviewing which ones need to be modified in response to the new crap they were pulling the last time you talked to them... Jeez. It's exhausting and you realize once again they've sucked all the energy out of you. They know how to go real slow with their crap in the beginning so you don't notice it but once you look around and realize how exhausting that person is compared to the rest of your normal friends it's easy to see where the problem is.
True.NO ONE can get away with anything,if they are ignored,left alone to their own folly
Well put, I understand you.
Life after "No contact" is glorious & peaceful!! Moving 100 miles away was an added bonus! Got rid of the husband 12 years ago and the mother & brother 5 years ago, after decades of disrespect, demeaning, belittling, humiliating & gaslighting treatment and being assigned the family scapegoat. It was a gradual process & not a simple or easy one. Once safely away from them, I began to uncover & discover WHO I really am! Like regaining sight and looking into a mirror for the first time! That's an important journey because they covered up and hid the "real" you then redefined you. My personhood was nearly lost...buried under deep, dark mud for a very long time. The light comes in when you're away from them! I return here to learn & understand why & how my life was that way and why they are the way they are. *Friends...it's not us...it's THEM!!! You, are, what they could never be; a kind, decent person! Love, peace & blessings to all of you in your own journey.
Soooo well said. I am also on this journey. Physical AND emotional (most important) distance is key to survival.
💙💕
For myself. To hear myself referred to as Jane not JUST Jane. Ummmm,💞❣️💞❣️💞💖
🥰🥰🥰
this sounds like a narc moving on to a new set of victims that dont know who they are. they say things like dont hold my past against me. or you dont know me anymore im a new person. lol fine but there's just all the carnage and victims left behind
He would be nice to people on the outside. But behind closed doors he would be the damn Devil towards me all the time.
I'm going thru this also. Very NICE to everyone else but devalue goast scream and destroy property. They promise or future fake and none of it comes true
I feel you boss
Me too, honey; me too!
Because you allow him to be
I say this exact thing all the time, putting up a front, fake, lying to everyone. They are best thing since bread to all their friends & coworkers & family. But are the damn Devil inside!
My narc convinced me to make a very foolish financial decision - I really regret it!
This is how I know I am dealing with a narcissist. When someone make me feel like I don’t have a right to be myself, speak my mind, and think what I believe. I have learned to stay away from these kinds of people, and it seems like they’re quadrupling by the minute.
Omg, you’re describing my adult brother! He verbally and emotionally abuses me, I think for being disabled and unable to work, and for gaining weight after I broke my back twice. He says my feelings are wrong and don’t count for anything.
Ah yes, the Now you owe me mentality: " I gave birth to you, now you owe me"
Oh yeah i have heard that one also yes they use that one.
Know that well!
I am 52. When I attempted to discuss perimenopause and my sleep issues along with other health questions (she used to nurse), she reminded me of how I kept her awake as a baby. WTAF... Oh and how she never had any issues when SHE went through the menopause. God I never learn.
@@AmethystDreaming My birthstone. My Mom, does the same thing. First dismissive of what you are saying, second, how she was somehow a victim of your childhood, third, it always comes back to her as the topic of conversation. Affirmation of what you're dealing with.! Remember respond and don't react and get away from her ASAP! Sorry that we're deprived of having a mother
They do it if they do anything for you & love to take stuff back & say you owe them.
"Walk through the relationship on cat's paws" thats my life for 23 years now. Your videos are very helpfull in my process of surviving and regaining my strength.
I’m so happy to have found this channel. Dealing with my daughter over the years has been completely exhausting and debilitating for me. She is the classic narcissist. I’ve recently decided to stop interacting with her at all. I spent all of my time and energy dealing with her manipulative, abusive behavior. I’m 74. It’s time to live my life. Thank you so much for these videos. Validating my decisions is a balm to my injured soul.
You are quite welcome, Beverly.
I want everyone to understand that these things happen over time.
One day, you'll be on top of the world with the narc, and have a really good time.
but the next day, they will use that against you.
Be strong.
Yes. One day you're having a good time together & then you say something that triggers them. They erupt like a volcano & scream & yell & name call & then disappear for days at a time. Then they reappear without so much as an apology or acknowledgment of what happened & just start talking to you like nothing's wrong. And you're sitting there thinking "did I dream all that?" Because you're still so shaken by what happened & going crazy without being able to find resolution. It's soul.crushing.
Total and complete truth!!
I agree. I did have good times with my narc torturer also really bad times where I was ground into dust. Lesson learned.
@@tammycharles742 but isn’t it my fault for saying the thing that triggered them?? Isn’t what they do after that just reactionary abuse? Sorry I’m just so confused.
Agreed
good news is once you learn their games,nobody else is going to be abble to play the same games on you
Disagree. If you think, now i know everything - this is the first step to make the same mistake.
@@tbay9543 i said nobody else is going to be able to play the same games,other people may have different games,you need to look out for
I agree with what you have said: No one knows it all but with these informative videos - no one will be able to play manipulative games to the extent they have been able to played on me as before!
Unless the next one is more clever and sophisticated then probably you will fell again....
Yes we all need to educate ourselves on these things and be more aware of what is really happening.
Learn as much as you can and be smarter in order to protect yourself and have a much better future.
I am so glad there are lots of experts sharing their knowledge here on You Tube. I have learnt so much in the last few weeks here.
“Dont need to make excuses or justify” oh my heck yes. Everything I chose had to be justified. Right down to picking the color of my shirts. Went cold turkey 3 months ago. I feel so much better about life now.
Oh look! A narc!
I got a high off of changing the background photo on my phone after finding my freedom from narcissist/stalker/physical abuse and I just started laughing and crying simultaneously.
I wasn’t allowed to change the photo on my phone ?!?!?! How did my frog get to such a roiling boil without noticing good god!
@@sarastarzdesignz yes I moved provinces! And then he still stalked me online for another four or five years on and off , I’ve blocked I think six or more social media accounts he’s made and several email addresses .
EXACTLY! Yea! U got out! It’s a type of intellectual bullying. The narc: ‘Tell me why did you do this? And why did you do that? and ‘I need an explanation for this to make sense , because your life needs my stamp of approval.’. and ‘Why haven’t you done such and such? It’s none of my business but It’s my job to control you.’
Yes! But nothing they do has to be justified. The sheer number of times I heard my dad say 'I don't need to justify anything! I don't need to explain myself to you!' while telling me I need to justify my very existence, was just, wow, it was infuriating.
“I’m not someone that I want you to train.” That part really struck me. Thank you.
Making a mistake is the worst thing ever in the eyes of a narc.
Their idea of a "mistake." Maybe it wasn't a mistake lol
They will harp on the one mistake you make to use as a case against you and as a point of exaggeration to deflect from their own repeated mistreatment of you. It’s to put you on the defensive and to make you think you’re a bad person, like “Aha! See you’re not perfect either, you did this one not really terrible thing that one time but I’m going to exaggerate it and make it sound absolutely horrible so you are defending yourself now so you can’t effectively hold me accountable. I’m a slimy snake! Hehe!”
You’re not allowed to be human, flawed or imperfect.
@@thecook8964 that’s why they make so many all the time
@@gaple1995 projection at its worst
The more I watch these videos I'm realizing most our politicians have the disorder and we're stuck with them.
Good people have to run for public office again, and we the voters have to stop electing sociopaths.
@@bluecollarlit "Good People " aren't power hungry ...
One thing I have learned in my life of 50 years is that if an interaction with a new person leads to a vague sense of unpleasantness from the interaction, be wary. If it happens the second time you interact with that person, avoid them entirely.
The narcissist in my life has an “amazing” memory.... she remembers everything from when she was two years old, but can’t for the life of her remember how much she has emotionally abused me for my entire life ....to the extent that when Ive had to defend myself by confronting those moments in the past, Ive started to doubt my memories and my sanity and seriously question if I’m crazy? Its incredible....
so true
Same here
I'm so enraged by this. I hear u. I went through same. I was raised by a schizophrenic narcissist. I feel so guilty and full of shame for distancing myself from my emotionaly abusive single mother.
convenience amnesia, that's what I call it.
thats gaslighting
These Narcissist are not human, they always bored an trying to sabotage
So true
@Blue Bossa84 Unfortunately 😒
They are not even doing out of bordem tho .. seems they are fallen angles who were sent to wrk for the devil himself and its out of pleasure and idoliogy 😭
@@Elanjdriab23 Real Talk
They are always bored until they do something and the world must pat them on the back. 🤮
I couldn’t really relate to these and was thinking about number eight and then you said it. Constant rage will train a person and especially a kid who has it coming from a parent(s) very well to keep quiet and shut down in fear. I was chased through the house and hid frantically every single day because I had a father who was a rageaholic. An angry bully can scare people into compliance. Fear causes people to not be able to think properly and they become reliant on the dominant person to make their decisions for them in time. There are physical changes in the brain too. Distance and time can help heal the victim.
After 25 years with a Nars, I feel like I've totally lost who God made me to be. The lightbulb came on and I'm getting help.
Good for you Michelle! Stay strong! You can do this!! 👍
Louis That God is the God who made the heavens and the Earth. He’s no imagination as He’s revealed himself through the Lord Jesus Christ who was perfect, lived a perfect life and yet died an awful death for us, sinners, so that it’d be possible for us to be made right with God and know God (the father, the Son and the Holy Spirit) personally - simply by trusting in Jesus for what he did for us. This is God’s kindness. He’s very kind and very very real. Please Louis, don’t wait until death to meet God. He knows you, loves you, and calls you to turn from following your will and the way of this world and to instead trust in his Son. It’s the best and most important decision you’ll ever make.
Dr. Ramani is also a Fantastic Excellent help in dealing with and surviving narcissists
28 years of it and I just moved out. And now hopefully he won’t take all my money and turn my kids against me
@@CJbrieflittlecandle
You left your children with him?
There seems to be a lot of messed up people messing up a lot of people. Developing relationships is a serious matter.
Divinely guided, bifurcation to get the Empaths back into our power to lead this shit home... LOL. Going thru it myself, being guided by spirit that this is what's happening on a MASS scale. That's why your seeing all this literally all over the world all of a sudden. It's causing things to happen in our relationships to help change the whole collective.
BEING TRUE TO YOUR REAL SELF IS THE ANTIDOTE. THANK YOU FOR YOUR LUMINOSITY.
How are you doing 😊😊👋😊
Yes ❤️🙏
So true. It repels those that aren’t genuine
When you finally know what you are dealing with. It is kind of entertaining see them act and you in your mind checking the list of narc charateristics and strategies. Sometimes feeling in awe watching how well they fit. Hehehe
It’s the only validating part of the “relationship” - watching them very obviously use every manipulation tactic in the book.
Their mood is directly tied to what you give them”. Thank you
Mine's favorite lines are, "You took that seriously?! I was joking!" and "If you can't tell that I'm joking 98% of the time, then I don't know what to tell you!".
I have heard that a time or 1000 lol. use to really make me upset until I realized the narcs game.
I am still with him. He promised to change, and he did. Things got better for a few months, and then BAM, right back at it with his craziness. I packed my stuff and brought it back to my parents. It's humiliating, but so is being treated the way he treats me.
WTF! Those words exactly from the narcissist formerly in my life! Wow!
Sounds familiar smh.
I hate when the mother of my twin girls does this crap, and thinks I am stupid when I see right through it. She loves use damaging and emotional events that are very recent and throw it constantly in my face. Of course it's just a joke and I need to develop a sense of humor. I have a great sense of humor, Hers is just not funny at all. Bless everyone who has went through this, what devastation
I'm running from any form of mind games. Had a lifetime experience of it. You have to nip it in the bud immediately it's a major red flag and makes me physically ill whenever I'm around toxicity.
Yes. It's everywhere. 💜💜
How blessed you are for your body alert you of toxicity. You can rid yourself of it immediately and never engage. I was under the radar when the last narc entered my life. It was a setup for sure. Lesson learned, now recovery and refining my strategy. Agape
Run and run fast🏃🏼♀️
Life always has its lessons to teach us and they always make stronger if we keep the faith.
@@wandawoods6027 ABSOLUTELY
My narc mother trained me from the get go. She was angry and bitter all the time. She would say ‘just do as your damn told’ and have no patience. She drilled it into me so much that ‘friends’ would tell me to do things and I would do it without question, as a result of that I was always getting in trouble. Then my mum would blame me an call me naive and gullible. Which I was.
One day driving back from work, I realezed that I did not want to come back home, then I decided it is time to divorce!
Mine told me my ego are standing in the way of me coming back. I don't want to move back cause I was proving to people that I can be independant. Me and my ego are never going back. I am starting to find peace. 4 months out.
Don't look back keep moving forward. Your young, i wish I would have known what was going on while i was still young. These people suck and drain your life! My life and health has flown by in a blink of an eye because of narcissist stealing my life with their deceiving ways!
@@m.v.1230 Yes, I feel the same way, The best years of my life gone, But I learned a lot. I just praise God, That he got me through that and being on this side of it, We are able to help other that are going through it.
Keep on walking. It is worth every effort you make. If a new one shows up, become as boring as a gray rock. They will leave, and that is a good thing.
Keep up the sass!
@@theuniques1199 No & he isn't the author of confusion.
After being married to a narc husband and in laws I really don't trust people anymore......to be honest anyone new scare me 🤦♀️
Well not everyone is the same just believe in that 🙃
I think that's a healthy fear. Better to be safe than sorry.
Me too. I trust no one.
I am very guarded now, too.
I every now and then try to step out to date. All kinds of triggers rumble. I think this generation is raised in narc. I have a hard time with face value. I so want to believe them.
It's not a relationship is so true. I always felt that my feelings were never important. I had a therapist tell me to not speak of my trauma to him. He would only use it against me....So true that he tried. God saved me. 🙏
If you don’t comply - they drop you, That’s a good thing - Enjoy your new lease on life!
I sent my Narc packing when he yelled at me. I warned him once, when it happened again, I booted him. So far its been two months with no hoovering.
Rejection, humiliation, and even the tiniest of defeats can shake them to their core. This leaves narcissists wholly focused on their image.👍
Trump
Absolute truth!!
@@LinYouToo lol
You either agree and become part of their victimisation crew, or disagree and become their victim because they frame you like "you deserved it".
Nailed it. Like being told their discard of you was the consequence of your toxic beliefs and the alienation that you had brought upon yourself.
He is very gentle in describing narcissistic behavior. Many narcissists have worse conditions to obeying them than this, including everything from financial penalties, sexual penalties, violence, set ups for legal penalties, and they can even choose to murder you, or use someone else to murder you if you don't comply. Narcissists do not care, and you can not make them care. I fully believe in making a break completely and leaving the area where they are. Narcissists can often find new victims easily if they can't physically reach you.
My wild guesses: stonewalling/ignoring/silent treatment, shaming/blaming, belittling, whining/ complaining/throwing a ptiy party/victimitis (even while they're victimizing you, behind your back), rejection, abandonment, bribery, blackmail, withholding, virtual hostage-taking, threatening, coercing
I like your list. One I read about is holding themselves hostage, which would probably be blackmail.
And loving it all the while.
@@sage9836 I'm trying to think how that would play out, but can't. please explain, it's possible that's being done to me and I have yet to notice it or figure it out. Took me 50 years to figure the projection thing out, so...
I'm going with stonewalling/silent treatment, withholding/exclusion, abandonment/threats of abandonment, blame-shifting/redirection followed by ghosting/abandonment and eventually complete isolation.
Nice!👍
What I hate most is when the "n" involves other people in the game-playing. Uses other people to send messages extending "offers of generosity". Which are really displays designed to impress anyone within earshot: "See how nice and kind and generous I am?"
yep, flying monkeys
Spot on..i just got discarded a week before xmas...one line..i have so much to offer..then its i do more for you than you do for me...acts of kindness from them or their family is just to hold over your head and say..look im nice..your not.
This is what I'm having the hardest time with. I have decided no go contact with my covert n mother but she is using my only son and new born only grand daughter as bait. I refuse to play. I refuse to involve my son and I refuse to let history repeat. Once seen you cant unsee the damage and hypocrisy.
@@christinepettitt579 yeah..during my divorce i had to exile..ex got pretty much my whole family against me..leveraged kids to punish me..it took about a year of focusing on myself only and not what they thought and after a year they said maybe its not him and its her..let them reveal themselves..
And you gotta also cut off those people as well. Flying monkey will make your life hell
"Calling in their chips" = Scorekeeping
I survived narcissists by just cutting them off sometimes it’s the only way for your sanity and it’s the best thing I ever did now I have no anxiety 🤛
How are you doing 😊😊👋☺️
And watch your exit from them to be their idea saying well we just can't have a friendship anymore... They won't let you so to speak slam the door on them... So let them have their last delusion... Does this make sense
I think you'd know you're going to leave at some point and most people probably put it off too long... But the important thing is to exit before you go nuts
GOOD FOR YOU
Wow. At this point in my life I run away from people who think they can guilt trip me into behavior or make an ultimatum. Very good video.
They are so afraid to be alone, but lonely is their middle name.
Disagree with this one. Narcissistic abuse can make you withdraw from the world and then end up make you feel lonely and depressed when you don't have the support needed, especially when you were born into a whole family of Narcissistic people. 💯 That you end up through intuition figuring out the patterns and then realise that something really is wrong and try running away multiple times but fail because they have so much control over your life and individuality, that they're only wanting you to do things according to the family. In a Christian family.
@@shannonshay1942 Dear, isn’t it because they are so afraid of being alone, so try their best to keep you around, you feel lonely also because you feel it from their heart by being with them. The darkness in their hearts spreads.
I guess their lack of empathy makes it easier to move on so often, but it's sad how often they have to abandon their 'plans' because their manipulation and extortion doesn't get over the line. Even when they win, those that love them abandon them eventually.
I've totally isolated myself and cannot functionally with daily needs.
@@JS-em8lz Im so sorry, i can totally understand. I was like this too, will suffer for a while cause that’s their trick. 😭😭😭
1. Buddy Tactic
2. Intellectual Empathy (phoney)
3. "Now You Owe Me" mentality
4. Appeal to both loyalty and guilt
5. Words of incongruity
6. Invalidation mode
7. Use of threats
8. Anger mode
1. the buddy technique
2. intellectual empathy
3. now you owe me
4. appeal to loyalty and guilt
5. words of incredulity
6. invalidation
7. threats
8. anger, intimidation
I was nothing but “The Dog” in my family, Trained and obedient....After my parents died......no body wanted a dog anymore, so they got rid of me.....
Me too. My siblings took the money and ran. That’s ok. I hope they are happy with themselves and the money they stole from me. I have my own life and my own money that I worked for and obtained honestly. 👍🏼
You are a person of dignity. Please let that soak in!!! Dr. C
I love dogs Georgia! They don't hide their motives, appreciate the simple things in life and the love you give them, and they are the best friends I've ever had! I'm sorry they didn't appreciate you, and hope you learn to love yourself ! You are probably a wonderful woman, so enjoy not having their lecturing, controlling, insulting stuff in your head and have wonderful Peace for the Holidays!
My mom is still alive and just this morning, Christmas Eve for Pete's sake, she's still trying to "train" me even as I try to keep conversations about her, happy and "Grey Rock", but guess I still have a LOT work to do. She had start telling me what I and everyone in our family thought (They are all great, and I'm not) reminding/lecturing me to thank my daughter for a surprise package she'd sent (I already had, as usual, but they are the one's who don't thank, and often criticize. )... you probably know the rest ;-) I'm calm, and try to change subjects, but she gets more and more upset. When I asked her why she was getting upset she got more upset and said it was because I was putting words in HER mouth. Oh Brother! Right?
Again, I have a lot of work to do, but at least I didn't apologize this time for her weepy rage. We can work on un-hearing and un-learning their words. Hugs!
Wow that hit hard. Show me the path to freedom please!!!!
I was the doormat that everyone wiped their feet on, then blamed me for having (their) mud on me like it was something that was inherently wrong with me.
The narcissist was my mother, who began programming me at birth to be her “handmaid.” We were basically a cult of two. I’ve spent my life in therapy, 12-step groups, self-help groups etc, trying to discover a part of myself that wasn’t co-opted by my mother. In my 70’s now and have learned a lot but I never feel completely free of her expectations, threats, and hexes she cursed me with. I’ve never had a relationship where I haven’t been the leader or helper/codependent because of my mother’s programming me. I stopped getting into relationships because I didn’t want to be used or use someone else anymore because I did become the codependent/perpetrator. I rejected that but still have the impulse to recreate the relationship with my mother and get into the same dead-end, unhealthy interactions I’ve had forever. Your posting laid out those interactions accurately and concisely. Thank you!
You are not alone...big programming and conditioning back in the 50s and 60s by a lot of narco parents ...beyond me...x
“A cult of two” is a powerful statement, recognizing both parts of the dynamic as well as the dysfunction.
Me too! We are not alone.
@Di Ane good for you! Don't stop!!
I know a mother who completely controls her teenaged daughter. The child is not allowed to have any independence or individual thought
shortly: they want you to be responsible for their life, deeds, feelings and happiness, however You are NOT! every grown up is responsible for their own. Period. And You are lovable just by being here. And deserve to live Your life being happy. Allow Yourself that.
The "favors" you get will add up over time and you will OWE THEM BIG TIME!!! Do NOT accept gifts from these people!
They get mad when you tell them you're not going to do what they tell you to do.
Absolutely. Unfortunately, this is what made me comply. Fear.
@@ceebee1704 Sorry to hear that. For me it was ignorance and habit. Grew up with an overbearing, narcissistic step father then without meaning to, fell in step with another familial narcissist.
Crazy how hindsight reveals it.
The first date with my narc she asked me to pick a time to see her. I said 5PM. She got mad and said " forget it, I don't want to go, that's too late.". I had to rearrange my schedule to see her but she was so adamant on her time frame she was willing to cancel the date unless it was on her terms. I should of WALKED back then because I thought that was odd behavior. Later, I noticed she would use that tactic on future dates. The only reason I stayed so long was for the sex but then she was withdrawn.
I’m just now realizing it’s okay to be me. I’ve always felt like a bad person because of the conditioning.
Me too! I constantly felt like a terrible person and a perpetrator eventhough I was trying to do EVERYTHING to make it work and have a harmonious relationship..
I did too. Until one day God spoke to me about the things I was saying about myself, and pointed out that the words I was calling myself were what my husband called me, they weren't who I was but who he wanted me to believe I was. I'd been so depressed and down on myself thinking how much of a failure I was that I truly believed it was all my fault and my children and husband would be better off without me. It was eye opening to see that it wasn't me, but him.
Gaslighting 101: “Everyone knows you have a bad memory and can’t get your facts straight.” Making me look incompetent to others and doubting what I say. So enraging! Even called me a liar in front of my family once.
The education that I have gained from listening to you has been a rich source for understanding the most difficult relationships in my life. Thanks so much for sharing!
How are you doing 😊☺️😊
I want to be sure to learn this! I got to a point where I was like a robot functioning on remote control!
I've spent my entire life in a disassociate state but hurting inside and ignored by Mom when I told her how the others were treating me. Was supposed to pretend everything was great.
When its them thats the Robot!
@@ceilconstante7813 It's actually kind of alarming to leave the dissociative state after being in it for decades. The reality of reality is somewhat overwhelming when you've been numb/asleep for so long.
@@elishastreet5244 i mentally referred to one as a Tin Man because he had no heart.
@@jefferyc4763 I took a class from Richard Grannon on that, and sctually being all there, fuly ocvupying my own life feels lime getting away with something that can get a person in trouble.
Invalidation mode: "Why can't you just admit that you're wrong?" If you ever hear someone say this then it's clearly being explained to you that you're thoughts and your feelings and your experiences and your opinions on the subject don't matter. All that matters to a narcissist is that they have already decided that you're guilty, no discussion is necessary, and that you owe them recompense.
If the person stating : "Why can't you just admit you're wrong?", has no problem themselves admitting when they're wrong on occasion about anything, then they might not be a narcissist. Especially if you ever heard them apologize for being wrong. Narcissists will rarely ever admit they're wrong at all. They'll try to ignore it or sweep it under the rug quickly. They may admit a mistake on the very rare occasion that they are on the spot with an audience just for the sake of maintaining their cover/protecting their own personal interests, but even where it would be further prudent of them to apologize for their mistake, they will do that even more rarely. And they will never, ever apologize to a scapegoat when it's appropriate to. In their minds, that's never appropriate. Doesn't matter the price or cost. They'll spend a thousand lies to a hundred people or they'll pay for it by giving up a hundred other relationships and even their job if applicable. Now please be clear that I'm not calling you a narcissist with this last observation, I'm just stating that I've witnessed a few situations where a scapegoat has asked that very question to a narc. And trust me, it was very clear who the narc was because in one of the situations, the person being asked wasn't just "wrong", they were caught red handed in a malignant lie and smear. But sadly, the codependent scapegoat who asked the question was 'walking on eggshells' and playing down the wording (using the word, "wrong" instead of the accurate words of "lying malignant narcissist POS") so as not to offend or provoke the narc, but to simply resolve the particular situation. Of course though, narcs don't want resolution for anyone. They could care less who gets it. With the exception of their scapegoat of course. They rather see them dead than have any resolution. So I don't know your specific scenario. You may be completely accurate in your assessment/diagnoses in your case. I'm just saying that with the limited info you conveyed, it's not carte' blanche' who the narc always is there, so stating that the particular question ("Why can't you admit you're wrong?") is somehow a clear, universal, guaranteed identifier in narcissist 'dogma' or 'canon' is incorrect at best, and sometimes completely the opposite of the truth, at worst. It all depends on the scenario.
I've been known to say "Because I'm not"
Well said...
Sorry to.say fuck them
Agree with cicada. Sometime when they just don’t take the accountability at all, non nasc is easily to come to saying this as well. And they are disadvantage at the wording..truth
Very predictable is right. I know exactly what he is going to say to me before he says it. He hates it when I predict his next sentence. I’m smarter now.
1:04 THEIR ENTITLEMENT TO YOUR SUBMISSION TO THEM (yet they'd never or rarely submit to us!).
My ex is a very typical narcissist and I left him 4 months ago, now working towards healing. However, he was mostly heavily narcissistic during fights and when he didn’t get his way. In other words, he wasn’t like that all of the time. During other times he was even attentive, thoughtful and sometimes even gave me compliments for being a strong, smart and successful woman. But when that side of him would appear I was the lowest and the worst person on this planet. Anyone else can relate to this?
Yes and Ive read that it's during conflict they show their true colours. I think some are good at playing a role - most likely a covert narcissist - but when the odds are raised they show their lack of empathy and their playbook of manipulations tactics. Mine's included projection, gaslighting, blame shifting, lack of accountability, abandoning and silent treatment - all played out when there was something to discuss or something that raised conflict. One time he let his guard down after a conflict and went from Mr covert into a full on monster almost by launching a verbal tennis match where he showed every tactic in a nasty voice whilst talking over me. It left my head spinning. I'm good with words and conversation and he normally let me get into an absolute knot trying to reason with him. That particular time he showed how quickly his mind can work and he was a different person - quickly flying off responses and ridiculous accusations. It was vile and revealing it showed who he was under the mask. Sadly at the time I wasn't ready to detach. I went into cognitive dissonance over it and stayed for more. I'm finally free now. My boundaries will no longer tolerate almost any of his behaviour but it took four years to get there. It's important to fully heal from these experiences to the point that we won't tolerate them again. I recommend Melanie Tonia Evan's programme - it's the only thing I've found that creates real internal healing around the wounds that let these people in. It's also very cost effective - about the price of three counselling sessions. She's now helped millions of people around the world so I can see it hasn't just worked for me.
Yes my ex seemed ok until there was any conflict. Then the nasty side emerged. He'd not only refuse to validate anything I said, he'd make me feel so self loathing with his cruel words. Now I'm free (six months nc ) I can see that even when he was being 'nice' it wasn't genuine. They are full of hidden agendas. In fact the whole relationship was fake.
Yes, my ex husband is now bombarding me with hateful texts because its the holidays and he enjoys trying to ruin them. I was cleaning out my closet yesterday and found a letter where he was very loving and spoke highly of me. I feel he's severely bipolar.
OMG YES MY EX GF WAS A COVERT NARCISSIST AND DID THIS!!!
I can. And it's also when they are feeling very low and insecure that that behaviour is heightened. My narc husband, now separated, is like that. Pretend to be a funny guy to people, faking it on the outside...horrible on the inside.
There's no accumulation of your good deeds. They don't thank you for helping them, so they can pretend it didn't happen. Every day you owe them from scratch.
Everything said here I experienced. So thankful to be out of that relationship. Pitty his latest victim. 30 years of marriage and I was told "You're just along for he ride". He also said since I make the most money I should make all the decisions. Finally, I decided I was done with the ride and I would take my part of the money and he could make it on his own.
It is amazing how well narcissists disguise themselves to everyone. I am so grateful to have the knowledge now, hot to spot them and to avoid them and the degrading life that goes along with being subordinate to a narcissist. Thank you for your videos Dr. Carter. I really am so grateful for the insight you share, and your spirit is so kind and genuine it's like a breath of fresh air. Thank you!
Thanks Julia. Keep learning! And thanks for taking me on your journey with you. Dr. C
Yes Julia,
This is like how my mom is. I have finally realized that and I am looking to get away. Far away to a place I have comfort in not the narcissist control point. There are people there I can trust even though I knew them for a short while so far. I hope to be able to spot others before they can ruin my life further.
My mom has my dad and I walking on eggshells. Don't you dare upset the monster because she takes passive aggression to an art form.
Patricia Bowne, you are too pretty to be with a narcissist!
Sounds like my daughter,she lives in town and I live out in the country,but my husband had a stroke last year and passed away and she’s has gotten words,,mm
Story of my life... strength to you, friend.
I’m so happy to be free from the narc this Christmas,,, I’m happy ,, I’m content,, with inner peace 🎄🙏🕊🕊🕊🕊
Yep, I'm on # 8. My wife has got so critical of me and the anger and rage that comes out of her. She has started to name calling, and the foul language she uses throws me back. She yells so loud that I feel our neighbors are going to call the police. She wants from me an apology, that I'm the one who has caused this situation. And if I do there will be peace in the kingdom again. It's hard for me to take the full blame and yet she sees herself as the victim who can do no wrong. This happens every 3 to 4 days. It's a vicious cycle.
This describes my eldest sister and mother.
My constant meditation on the bible had allowed me to see what I should be, which helped me to understand that what they were doing was wrong and pushed me to seek answers.
My narc MIL just let us know today about Christmas at her house tomorrow. AND acted like she had told us about it. Nope, not going. Should have mentioned it earlier.
Selective memory and fake events. Gotta love them (by love I mean hate).
Well done!!! Firm and stood your ground. Fab 👌🏼
Now you know you just forgot...
Cancel christmas
“It’s not ok to be you”. This was the ultimate reason for me to go no contact. My Godmother employed all these tactics but thank God I broke free. I always felt anxious and not comfortable around her. Now I know there was a reason and not something wrong with me...I now see that she was frustrated I wouldn’t comply. I dont comply with evil!
The shock to a person who has the narcissistic tendacies is when the person he thought weak stands up for herself and is equally important to the equation. Will stand up for her rights. Is a strong candidate for the narcissist to either grow or throw.
It amazes me how much these ‘methods’ are accepted practices in so many fields. There’s nothing more ubiquitous, or harmful, in education than the experts who say, ‘My way is the right way. My way is the only way.’
Chances are I’ve already encountered some of these if not all:
1) guilting - use of gifts or favours, play victim, etc
2) try to isolate you from loved ones
3) withholding of decency towards you unless you comply
4) machivellianism
5) threats or intimidation -l
6) use of third parties (flying monkeys, useful idiots, bad influences) to try to “talk sense into you”
7) turn everyone against you
8. Triangulation. Whether that takes the form of abandoning you in order to spend time with someone who feeds their ego (golden child, successful or admiring friend, new supply) or "well so and so said x about you" depends on the mood
Wow this why I'm skipping Christmas.cant wait to go back to work.
alienation is the name of that game.
My family is doing this to me. They do not even keep me posted on my dying gma. I just pray God will soften their hearts oneday.
@@ambererickson5940 that’s horrible!!!
The humiliation followed by abandonment is the most grating thing really, esp when there's power disparity, and theyve convinced themeselves and others they can get away with it. It is unfair but learning to rely on yourself is most important, and knowing that you can always just leave is very relieving
I am brooding this concept really am, tried running away 3 times maybe more, but they have control over me, and the more I try to take my power back the more they use it against me. Making me fear living life on my own terms and making me doubt my ability to choose things. 💯 At the end of the day I really have no one to rely on to get me out of this situation. If I do it myself, it will be a long walk in hell...because they take away every possible aspect that will help me succeed in my goal to make a living, an income, boost my confidence/self esteem/self worth, my access to resources (mother just checked up on my needs that obviously won't be met, so they get to find joy in my suffering and struggle: I told her I need, transportation of my own, Wifi so I can study online, and a skills in Paperwork to be able to send post and other documents, and handle income and expenses and achieve something normal in my life which I still haven't been able to do due to me being their entertainment of torture- after 5 years still of being choked on my bedroom floor in front of everyone at my birthday, hearing the harassment, and having my aunt interfere and accuse me of hurting my mother who harassed me) I really wish I knew how to leave safely, so that when I come to the other side of the road that I have an emergency fund, medical aid of my own, food on my table, etc.
I've been trying for a year to have more peace/independence and the weight of how I've been treated and how unhelpful therapists have been is the hardest stuff, especially the therapists, kinda kills your soul to see how even in the most obvious circumstances it's still pretty hard to get the help you need. Just tears you down lol
I got the feeling he would consistently talk about past relationships as a way to teach me how to behave. I also realized very quickly that his way of "winning" an argument was by simply being the loudest. We would shift focus to why I angered him so much and so we were no longer talking about what initially I was bringing to his attention.
Something I haven't seen yet: they insult you and question you in an abusive manner about not having a job, essentially assuring that you have no motivation to get another one because you're emotionally destroyed from being with them.
I truly believe the level of narcissistic behavior you encounter can also be tied to that individuals financial situation. People who tend to have much more wealth tend to be even more narcissist than the average.