8 Tactics A Narcissist Uses To Goad You Into Uncivil Responses
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- čas přidán 3. 08. 2024
- Simply put, narcissists like to mess with you. They need to feel superior, so if they can delight themselves by toying with your emotions, they will do it. Psychotherapist Dr. Les Carter identifies 8 ways a narcissist will attempt to bring out the worst in you. Then he discusses ways to sidestep their efforts to create incivility.
Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who lives in Dallas, Tx. In the past 39 years he has conducted over 60,000 counseling sessions and many seminars and workshop.
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Q: How many Narcissists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They use gas lighting.
Good one... lol
Toni Spaulding lmfao that was good
LOL
And when they are out of gas:
Q: How many narcissists to change a light bulb?
A: One - to hold the bulb steady and wait for everything to revolve around him.
Good one
They goad you into an uncivil response, then they will claim that your uncivil response proves that you're crazy. Then they hammer away on it.
Unfortunately, you're right. Dr. C
It's called gaslighting
Crazymaking: Drive you crazy, then call you crazy.
When they completely break you down, they achieve the epitome of control and calm and smirk at you for “being out of control and crazy”
THAT, my friends, is ABUSE
BTDT. Except instead of being a jerk, I cried and was told I was crazy. Yep. For listening to that.
They then start to speak quieter and quieter with the aim of you raising your voice so that you come across as the abuser...
YESS!! Omg ...every time! 😫
Omg yes!!!!! We even fight over that! He'll say why are you yelling at me? I have to say are you kidding me right now...ugh so frustrating
My sister does the opposite: she yells louder and louder, so that if I try to respond to her or answer her questions, I have to shout to be heard at all...then she says, "I don't know why you're yelling at me! You're getting so emotional!" When I bring my volume down to speak calmly, she mocks me and says, "You don't have to act so hurt and be so sensitive." I truly can't win with her.
Got a husband like that. Never projects his voice, almost swallows his conversation as he speaks it quietly. So irritatingly ignorant. It's almost like he's thinking out loud but not loud enough for you to hear I wouldn't care he's stone deaf in one ear so he will be more than aware of the problems of not being able to hear. Another one is that they're often very general and unfocussed about stuff, not giving enough specific detail. When you begin to grill or cross-examine them to get a better understanding of the parameters of what they're talking about in a specific way they get annoyed because they see it as you trying to pin them down aggressively. You're not, you're just wanting them to be specific so you both know what you're actually talking about.... but then there's no wriggle room in specifics is there? LOL
@@jewelsbarbie .
That 4 letter word “hope” keeps you hanging around. For an empath with a narcissist, that’s a recipe for disaster.
Eventually you replace “Hope things get better” to “Nope, they never will.”
A thousand times - Yes! You finally WAKE UP.
Exactly
hope is a dangerous emotion if invested in the wrong people or things.
Don't ever forget that they get off on upsetting you. Basically bad buggers. Just show them the door.
Dennis Nowland exactly correct. They want to STEAL YOUR JOY FOR THE DAY.
Wish I could show them the door. A roommate, nasty...
It is disturbing that they operate from the position of causing friction in your soul. Most of us would just like peace and understanding when life gets complicated. And someone to encourage you along the way. No wonder most people with empathy just want them out of their lives.
@@USNBLUE Don't make it about yourself dear, after all, what they want is to inflate their fragile ego, by putting you (anyone really) down or by being able to play with your emotions, or by controlling your life.. It's only about them.
Phoenix Rising this is true however it becomes about me when it affects me and I protect myself. It's called self love.
No contacting is the best way to deal with the narc.
It is the best way! You get the results you want. No stressful interactions, a better state of mind for you, and the real kicker; a state of utter frustration for the narc!
Sometimes that is not always possible.
I have limited contact..my dad is a covert, but for my son's sake I am seeing him on christmas day ..binge watching Dr Les to get me through the day .
I found no contact the best way.
No doubt if you want to keep you'r sanity! 🤓👍
They often use your past against you-as if it’s “proof” to make you look crazy for not wanting to put up with their mental abuse.
So true...sadly. Dr. C
Mine uses my childhood against me in a different way. He tells me that Im wrongly interpreting his behavious as abuse because of my past.
Walk away . They want you to give them reason to take you down .
They turn everything into a fight. I asked if he could go down to the mailbox and he turns even that into a fight. You can’t have a discussion with them. They ask questions your trying to answer them and they interrupt you on purpose to asked another accusatory question. I tell him if he’s not going to let me speak I done with this conversation. I don’t know how my life turned into such a living hell where I spend all my time trying not to let him upset me or ruin my day. I can’t leave soon enough!!
Quiche Lorraine That’s so funny and true ! He wanted to know when the mail man came ?! I was like what difference does that make. While he was asking 20 questions ,I grabbed my phone and texted my daughter if she could go to the mailbox and put a bill in there . He was waste my time arguing with me than he see our daughter going for me he gets mad and say “ I said I would go “. I said when ,when did you say you would go . He was sitting in his butt playing video games like a child!! When he asked what time the mailman came that meant he would go that’s what he told me! Jezz how the 😖do I know what time the mailman will come. He does this thing where he asks stupid questions just to get attention. Like he’s standing in the rain and he will ask me “ Is it raining “. Seriously
For a hot minute, I thought I wrote that comment
I can relate
Why do u have to ask him if u can go to the mailbox
Your an adult
@@murielmartin3288 she asked him not the other way around.
Walking away and/or avoid contact with the narc is best second only to absolutely no contact.
They're professional gaslighters. Don't take their insecure bait!
very true. Can’t believe this kind of people exist.
@g quin you bring up interesting points. I'd like to explore some of them with you. I can understand what your point is on labels. Especially when the labels concern mental conditions. Indeed I'm with you in stating that so called narcissists are complex individuals to be sure. While labels are useful in identifying patterns of behavior, people should be cautioned to willy nilly throw them around, as you say, when a trait or two present themselves in an individual. But make no mistake about it, I think the majority of viewers of this particular channel are drawn to it by suffering the abuse from a manipulative, insecure, unempathetic, controlling individual. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a way of identifying individuals who meet the specific criteria of individuals who possess these qualities and in turns gives us a better understanding of what we're up against. Critical thinking. Critical thinking begins and ends with self awareness. Critical thinking is not so much a tool as it is an understanding of how you think, why you think and simply going to the most vulnerable places inside your soul to see how the old noggin ticks. If someone has this and can identify with a label such as narcissistic personality disorder or narcissism in general then they will take it for what it is. They will see, like you have according to your comments, that we all can have narcissistic tendencies from time to time (just like the author of this video describes over and over in his videos). The self aware individual will also be aware that while certain individuals will definitely fit these labels, it is clear these labels don't necessary include the complexities of said individuals as to WHY they are the way they are. If someone is to expose a single trait of these definitions of narcissism in a particular individual without stepping back and looking at both themselves and the bigger picture of highlighted person then I would agree that it's jumping to conclusions. The "fool" in this video in my opinion, after watching many, many of his videos is nothing short of enlighting. Which makes me wonder how much you've watched of him to 'label' him a fool. Perhaps a little self awareness and critical thinking is prudent on your part as much as you accuse the viewers and author of this video to be. But that's for you to figure out. Does the author of this video wish to manipulate society with labels and weaponize all non critical thinkers by way of both numbing their sensibility and attacking complex personalities? I think not. More than often the author of this video is passionately trying to bring to the attention to the viewer the onus required by him or herself to be self aware of themselves when dealing with these complex people who demonstrate a similar negative pattern of behavior that can be extremely abusive. Anyway, some things to think about it.
g quin - Clearly your not a survivor of the horrific abuse that narcissistic sociopaths do to other kind people.
quin copy and paste your comments troll?
quin he's a psychiatrist ding dong
The 50 people that disliked this couldn't handle recognising themselves😏
I would like to add one more: False Accusations. They will literally make up lies about you just to have one more thing to pick at, and to show you what a dope or bad person you are. I have experienced it dozens of times.
One of my exes favourites.
I so feel this
The Game: Stonewalling, cruelty and contempt, painful jabs, talking in riddle, parroting, mimicking, changing topic, confusing topic, selective hearing, responding off topic, walking away, refusing to answer questions, forgetting, turning question back at me, endless phone interruptions, picking apart grammar, hating certain words, lying, withholding and deception.
Excellent list! I've found that all of these evasions are employed for one purpose- to avoid having to engage in honest, meaningful discussion of ANY concern, big or small, that YOU feel needs to be raised. It really is about you, because in their mind, you are not supposed to have needs. You are supposed to be a mindless, soul-less robot who parrots what they want to hear and who snaps to attention immediately.
Are you sure you didn’t read my journal? Lol so spot on. I could add a few more, like deflecting, minimizing, condescending and dismissive words/actions, hanging up on me or ghosting texts...geez I could go on and on!
PICKING APART GRAMMAR good grief
@@SallyJoeTimestamps You should really have put a comma after GRAMMAR and a full stop at the end there Emma......😊
@@SimonWebbRCandModellingChannel hehehe
Four narcissists are mad about their secrets being revealed. 🤣
Interesting point...there is something profound about that part.
Yes they like to keep their private lives private.
& when revealed, they become crazy with rage! Turning things (once again) against you! It's laughable but ohh such personal & rage-filled attacks!! It's really hard to keep a straight head...
Jan M Borg Ward now it’s 22 😂
Now it’s 24.
When they finally goad you into a reaction, cue The Smirk!
Narc attacks showed me that 1. I could be a jerk, too. 2. I can't get away with it, like a narc does, and 3. I don't enjoy being that way. So, forewarned is forearmed. When you see it coming, I bet you are more likely to behave in a principled way amd keep your dignity. I need to see this video!
How do they get away with it? I couldn’t get away with it either.
@@johnparadise3134 I think they jave lots of practice, well trained supporters, and alot of people who don't want to deal with them, and got so far away you won't find them near a narc.
Well said Sage.
Exactly correct
@@judyscheiber3661 what if they are 50% narc. In other words what if they do have a fundamental narcissistic base yet have a 50% empathetic base. Nobody talks about this. It would be easier if said individual was a narc through and through.
Hope is the last to die... and once I let go of that hope and looked at things as they really were, I found the understanding I needed to eventually walk away
Mine said "if you can't forgive me for this, we're going to have a problem".... Very early on. Should have seen that as the red flag it was!!!
Talking about forgiving and apologizing. My ex has never said 'Sorry' to anybody in his entire life.
@@gillianbrookwell1678 My husband apologizes to everyone else but *never* to me!
Lmao " Accept me or I'll cry!!"
The narcissist in my life knows exactly what buttons to push to elicit whatever reaction he wants from me - whether it is to make me angry, sound crazy, cry, etc.
They’re very condescending and contrary.
They are full of sh..t!
And can put your whole life in misery!
Thank you Dr. Carter.
Mine always said..."You know what ur Problem is".......
"No, but I think you're about to enlighten me....." Dr. C
Mine Says...." People like you, because they Don't have you Figured out like I do"!
" Once they'll figure out who you are, they will leave you " ...Said the Narcissist who Refuses to Leave for 16 years ...
Wow...pfeww... mindblowing.
Inside your head you're thinking "I know what my problem is - I'm looking at him!"
My ex narc would say "the trouble with you is......"
My narcissistic ex husband always twists his guilt for anything he intentionally did wrong onto me or others. It is never ever his fault. And if something is going right because of hard work done by everyone else he will claim the credit
My ex narcs ultimatum was......."Get real or get out!" I finally got out...
@Borg Ward Touche!
I got out too...and I am so glad I did.
I don't blame you.
🙌
Congratulations!
The first time I applied principles from this channel with "my" narcissist, it was unreal to see them unravel and respond exactly how you would predict. I feel so free!
It is so empowering knowing what we are truly dealing with. I found out my husband was a narc when I researched " I swear my husband is a demon!". I found out he shows every red flag! It was sad to think of my younger self trying so hard to communicate and grow with this evil person. I wish I could back in time and have this knowledge.
Isn't it great! Yes I have days where it gets on my nerves greatly but I feel better knowing all this information. Family is the worst! And watching it unravel at first is a great shock. But at least were not the crazy ones. Smh
100 percent same .. the first few times I used the suggestions and responses I secretly high fived myself as I was walking away
Ya, really amazing how predictable and reactive they are. Great advice!
Congratulations!
Yeah...my brother!!! It's like a demon took over when I allowed him to goad me into anger.
I always start my sentences with a yes or no when dealing with a difficult narcissist - because when the conversation starts to go round-robin (and...it will) my condition of acceptance or non-acceptance has already been established long before the ranting starts. Also, it reminds me of what I want before the verbal abuse begins and my bearings begin to cross. Peace to you too Dr. and thank you for your videos!
Thank you so much!
You have given me a new perspective to deal with them! You are very true in your words about conversation going round robin and then verbal abuse, shaming, blaming about starting the whole drama (when actually they are the ones who do the whole plotting always) etc, it's so tiring and painful for mind and soul! :'( especially when you are in a sticky situation, where you can't get rid of them anyways! :'(
Mine and myself were having an argument.. he accused me of yelling and being angry so I was deliberately staying calm .. but then he kept goading me goading me till I lost it with him .. then he said YOU SEE HOW ANGRY YOU ARE !!! Lol SMH 🤦♀️
Caribbean Queen That’s what they do. 🤦🏻♀️
We’ve all been there and done that. Doesn’t matter how calm, collected, logical, kind you are ......that’s not how they see you. They only see and believe the worst EVEN IF shown the truth. That’s why we need to remember J.A.D.E. Do not justify, argue, defend or explain. Does not help. Ever.
They always win, you always will loose.
I have a terrible temper and I too used to lose it after a while. One time we were having an argument and he started yawning and then smirking and for a split second I grabbed his neck and dug my nails in.
gailkshaw so true my friend .. they’re fiends 🧟♂️
So very true Dr Carter!
Thank you! 🙏
Narcissists are drama queens. My ex (narc) used to exaggerate what I was saying and twist and turn it into something I never even said. Eventually I stopped trying to have a real conversation with him since he obviously wasn't interested and I would only end up more frustrated.
Being silent in the company of a narcissist is sometimes necessary.
Yes, and thanks again, MiA.... Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism
Thank you for taking the time to reply! 🙂🙏💕
Precisely...gross exaggerations and false accusations and assumptions. They essentially convince themselves that you are the evil one by believing their own lies. One time when I was talking to my Pastor, I said I don't know if I"m going to be the scapegoat that gets released or the one that gets sacrificed (See The Holy Bible for the origin of that story.).
My ex told me a hand full of times. "I think you are just to independent for me." no, it's called being a adult. So, glad I found your channel.
I'm glad you found us too! Dr. C
Hahahaha great response
Thumbs up for members of team healthy! ❤️😀
Team healthy. I pick you. Dr. C
If we learn from narcs, we can use the experience to become a better version of ourselves
Yess👏
This should be a good one, I'd love to know what Dr Carter suggests, they certainly do try to goad you into responding inappropriately, they're masters at it, in fact. Decency, respect, and civility while making it clear that you're not going to tolerate nonsense 😊
Oh yes, the constant mocking and belittling and snotty unkind cruel comments and attitudes. Sometimes it's just best to tell them where to go and how to do it. It's just best to avoid these types. They project and accuse others of stuff they are guilty about.
The previous comment hit the nail on the head. It seems like their ultimate goal in life is to just make you a Target for insults and snarly snares that make you look like the bad guy...how do they do that?!
Immature psychological defenses. They act like children because they are developmentally in relationships. Most kids grow up.
Narcissists do choose their victims carefully. The ones who are sensitive and easy to manipulate.
This narcicisst asks me all the time that why do I take everything so personal, that why am I so insecure! They're unbelievably sarcastic and evil, can't wait to leave him, he hasn't been able to hold a relationship for more then a few months, I have been with him way too long two years, taking all the abuse and crazy making to the point of being sick! I never suffered from high blood pressure before and I do now, I am always nervous, tense and stressed his selfishness and control is actually killing me! I know you guys understand, blessings to all of you 💕
When my EX started mocking my prayers even those for HIM . I knew he was troubled BEYOND help...
Pray in silence.
❤️ G-U-S ❤️ Gentle. Understanding. Selfless.
I like that! Dr. C
I like it 😁
Photo Prescott 😍
Photo Prescott I ❤️ dogs!!!
Gus is the best!
Can there be anything more psychologically restorative than knowing what you witnessed is stereotypical behavior. When in an enclosed space it's like being in a snow globe, the person shakes the sphere, and all the snow flakes are insults, degradation, directives how to drive, directives how to dress, all land on you unable to shake off the cold chills. You listen then go to reply and are shut down by the next pattern interruption. You are then invited back, after being so flawed,for another round of projection All part of the endless looping. Exhausting. No end to it till you end it. Then everything automatically gets better. Its It's frightening to imagine, that without the on line sources of awareness, where most would be. Great humanitarian work Dr. C & Laura. Gus too.
I read the comments before I reply and sometimes find someone who responds with words far clearer than I can find. You have spoken so eloquently, Brad McEwen. We so need these words spoken, as my mind can't put these 8 ways into form. So, thank you , Dr, C. it is great humanitarian work.
That's a cool analogy (pun intended but I do really like it 😁)
@@marybeth9394 I agree - "exceptional"!
8 Ways Narcissists Can Cause You to Respond in an Un-Civil Way
1 - speak very definitively about what you can and cannot do (bossy, pushy)
2 - use ultimatums and threats, back you into a corner
3 - mocking and sarcastic remarks as motivation
4 - interpret your behaviors or comments to an extreme
5 - very thin-skinned in receiving any kind of differences
6 - sniping, jabbing, short comments
7 - ask loaded questions, not to seek information but to back you into a corner
8 - refuse to compromise, all-or-nothing thinking
“Gus is Mr. Civility” True!
“Gus doesn’t use ultimatums in arguments.” Lol!
Typical Responses to the Narcissist
- plead your case, justify, defend
- retaliate in kind with accusations and shame
- express ugly anger, cursing, insults
- collapse in defeat
- adopt a lethargic approach to life, lose your enthusiasm about other things
Mistakes
- expending too much time and energy hoping to make the narcissist think and act differently (they won’t)
- taking their contempt for you and personalizing it, wondering if there is something wrong with you
Resolve to Be Healthy
Be a civil individual. Be a team player. BUT…when the narcissist employs these uncivil tactics, do not join that team! Resolve within yourself that, no matter what the narcissist says or does, you will remain a member of Team Healthy.
This really is true, i’ve always been calm, collected, had self control, never would argue or yell...& with this relationship, i’ve screamed at the top of my lungs, thrown and destroyed household item, and hit the person..hard as a response to the things he has said to me. I realize I am acting like him now.
That is the Narc’s goal-to wear you down, break you, until you’re either a weeping crumpled mess or a shrieking maniac.....all just to get their abuse to stop. It’s at that point that the Narc will suddenly act like the most mature ‘together’ person you’ve ever seen. The narc has achieve the control they seek and demand.
EXACTLY. I’ll go from the weeping, to the maniac a couple times around during this “moment”, and the second I do...they’re normal, calm, and wondering why i’m so crazy.
Yes, these people do have a tendency to rub off on you.
EA RI did I not just say he has me acting like him? Lol
@@kuzia60 shut up
They get you coming and going-- for example-- every time you are just falling asleep they make a loud noise and wake you up. Then when your adrenaline kicks in and you can't go back to sleep, they go right to sleep. When you go to another room to try and get some sleep they scream at you that your sleep is more important to you than your "relationship" and they are going to divorce you. You can't win. When you take steps to get a divorce they sanctimoniously say that they don't believe in divorce and you are the one that is breaking up the "marriage." There was no marriage for me-- it was all fake. But they always manage to "Blame the victim." They persuade everyone that they are the victim.
Laura Randolph - it's called pattern interrupt. They use is in various ways to keep you confused, tired and off balance so they keep the upper hand more easily. Once you see it you can't unsee it!!
@@louisegarner8888 Wow, I jthought it was JUST ME who had this happen to them! In fact, I used to look at the benefit of the doubt that it was JUST a coincidence. Yet just discarded the idiot yesterday. Now I'm reconsidering that benefit of the doubt thing. But I'm not exactly going to be mourning this one. Free at last!
@@AZDC99 Congratulations Matt!! Look for serial pest patterns and use your intuition to see red flags as deal breakers. Maybe watch @Empath Uprising channel he's got good practical info and skillsbase re this?
This is familiar. My narcs favorite go to is during an argument to say “if you don’t like it just leave” so in the heat of the moment I might respond something like “ why does it always have to be from one extreme to the next with you? If that’s the stipulation of speaking my mind, maybe it is best that I just leave” and then his response to that is “at least I’m not just a quitter and giving up on things. Remember if you leave, it’s you who is breaking up the family bc your so easily giving up on us”. Then this is the part where my head spins bc I specifically recall him being the one to tell me to “just leave”. So damn typically for them to set the stage and then flip the switch in you. SMH.
@@astridlove2327 I hear you!! Look up DARVO meaning deny, accuse, reverse roles of victim and offender it's a narc pattern of control to avoid accountability and put the blame anywhere else but in their lap. Flipped scripts is their favorite party trick. Record it next time if you can and play it back every timr he opens his mouth lol 😂 Journalling works too but no contact is the most peaceful option. Good luck with that one! Prayers you stay strong and centred in your own good self xox 🙏💕
Dear Lord! Thank you so much. I hate this almost most of all!!
Im so civil and nice for hours after continuous gaslighting. Then I finally say something I would not normally say. And then they say “see! That’s the behavior I’m talking about! “. It’s maddening! Help!!
Chasing Rainbows it is - to be in love with a narc - in the end there is nothing!
Nice take!
Pip fugl you’re damn right there pip, 18yrs of hell & all I’m left with is an older physically & mentally abused body & mind! 😘😘😘
@@lina9722 I am so sorry for you - I "only" served 10 years, but we must stick together in these communities. This and other communities have meant so much to me and I hope it can help you too - self confidence is everything. Knowledge about narcissism is another important thing - because through that you can see that you are NOTcrazy - it helps to hear about all these "strange" and cunning things those narcs do to you. Hope you can smile a little!
Pip fugl thank you so much for responding pip! I agree with you completely & agree, these communities & their knowledge have been priceless to me this past year or more & especially since I left & went no contact 9 weeks ago! I can actually hear a thought without it being hijacked & I do not miss the chaos, confusion & threats of violence at all, whenever I dared to challenge him! I know I have a lot of work to do & there’s a long road ahead for me, but my fear of leaving & what he might do has now left me! Just need to find out who I am & try to find something for myself to do! Yes, your comment made me smile; thank you for recognising my pain! 😘😘😘😘
@@lina9722 we are in the same boat. I am only two weeks away from him - having tried many times. But this time I am determined and are already calmer inside my body - I love how he cant push me around anymore. I am detecting my old self. Some times I see a little bite of the woman I was. Think you know that too.
The Narc in my life picks fights via email. Face to face she is nice and sweet, then goes home and sends random nasty emails full of assumptions and accusations of fabricated stuff that goes on only in her head. I have fallen into the trap of reacting to these emails and defending myself to no avail. NO MORE!!
OMG I know....I wish there was an app that could have a hand come out and slap them silly. UGH. I cringe when an email comes from the narcs in my family. Face to face...honey drips from their lips.
Carol Halford lol! I wish there was an app that read and auto-deleted toxic emails. It would have saved my sanity!
An excellent description of a person that seems to never want to leave me.
He always seems to be able to contact me. It’s like a disease, a plague.
I know what he is now, he will not be victorious and go no contact is the only solution. He is a miserable person who destroy everything around him but he can’t destroy me.
61 downvotes. Evidently, 61 narcissists. I can't imagine anyone that's been through a protracted encounter with a true narcissist would give a downvote here. I have been in a relationship with one, and I can tell you that it's even worse than described by the good doctor.
Yes! They will not be civil , courteous or respect. They are hideous people.
Narc/sociopath boss trying to provoke me into unprofessional/non-contractual behaviour. I'm on to him tho, and so far have resisted like a zen master. Takes alit of self discipline but ot looks like I'm winning cos his madness is escalating and people are starting to notice. The masks slipping. Cant wait for dr c's video. Wishing us all strength.
@booboobear how satisfying. Would love to throw mine under the bus.
Knew of a boss like that. Drove people to quit so she didn't have to deal w/ unemployment issues if she fired them. Tried it with my close friend who was able to withstand the bosses humiliation tactic, but that doesn't mean it didn't affect my friend. She looked like she'd been through battle when she told me about what happened. The only win is to withstand and keep our principles and values. And get out if possible. Dr. Abdul Saad of Vital Mind has videos on narcissism also, as does Dr. Ramani. It's great so many professionals will pu the facts of narcissistic individuals out there for people. Different presentations in different styles for people.
@@ACE-zo6st yeh. He's trying to force me out but I'm trying to leave on my own terms.
Don’t forget stonewalling, disregard and the silent treatment.
Good info; makes you realize you can't change others, but you don't have to let others make you miserable!!
After being away from my ex for such a long time I've realized that there are nice normal men out there who don't have narcissistic personalities so I haven't given up on other relationships.
Even if you can learn to not let them get to you, they still shouldn't be allowed to proceed with disrespecting you.
Definitely agree!! They just seem so good at turning the table around on you, making it seem you are the one in the wrong!!
When actually if i had a lawyer, they should be held legally responsible for stifling my life from moving forward. I was building my talents in singing and media work, before they fixated on me.
Yes, I call that crazy making!
I put up with my narcissist husband for over 40 years, without realizing what Narcissism was. After suffering a full blown nervous breakdown and almost ending up in a mental ward, I have been living away from him for over 5 years and loving it. Finding out that I wasn't psychotic, but when one is told they are mentally ill, you do believe it.
Does anybody find that now they have figured out the behaviours and patterns, that you look for it in everyone in your family and even in yourself? I've questioned numerous times if it was "all me" but I was royally gaslit. To point where I still carry alot of guilt.
yes, it is natural I think for normal people to introspect this way and be on the lookout. my devaluation/discard involved a lot of gaslighting and blame shifting. It is horrendous.
Yes...so true. Now we need to get good at identifying the culprits figure how much contact we want with them, or none at all. Them work on the skills to live healthier even if they are around or in our lives. Shalom...hope you are making some headway and find some peace
@@masterdaveedwards thank you. I had a baby girl with her so I'm tied but I'm trying to keep things no contact other than official stuff. It's tough. Tries to drag me in by either using personal attacks or guilt and because I worry about her well being and my daughters I then naturally worry. She knows this and plays on it. Plants a seed in my mind. Gotta get better at telling myself I'm not responsible for her, considering I spent two years being told "your depression has ruined my life and you've made my life misery by being ill". I'm selfish and a disgusting human being. All the names under the sun. Crazy how you still feel some care towards people like that.
That's because you are Empathic and a loving person...you like many always give people so many chances and hope for change. We get slapped in the face far too many times. Jesus said a couple is ok... He didn't want us to get abused just to remain humble. Shalom brother...stay strong...love your enemies...just stay out if their camp. May God bring good company your way.
@@masterdaveedwards That means alot brother. Thank you and I wish you all the very best in the future.
This is right from my sister’s play book. ...and just one of the reasons why I am NC for the last seven years and forever more.
I dumped my sister too. Finally! It’s only been a few months. I wish I had done it years ago. I would have saved myself from so much emotional torture. Should have dumped her like trash 30 years ago when she slept with my boyfriend. Oh well. She’s gone now thank God! Better late than never❤️
All you beautiful, supportive empaths need to go right now and listen to Save Myself by Ed Sheeran. Today, and everyday until you believe it. Peace to you all.
Thank-you bookworm!❤peace n love to you✌
Learn to love yourself!
@@gillianbrookwell1678 Yess! Gillian, well said. It's a process... we deserve gentleness, and kindness from ourselves, for ourselves🌷I wish this for all of us. I feel grateful for Dr. Carter, these tools are self-preserving. Peace throughout the holidays, friends.✌
A good one! Also, Whitney Houston, The Greatest Love of All played on my way home today 💞
"It's all about you." Glad to hear other Narcissists are saying this, not just the one I deal with exclusively. Yay, I am not crazy or flawed!
My last conversation with my narcissist boss did unloaded every one of these tactics on me. She had just had her office soundproofed, and proceeded to scream, yell and berate me. After nearly 4 years--i resigned. Good therapy got me to the point where I outgrew the need to be the office scapegoat, trying to fix a hopeless situation. I started setting strong boundaries, which triggered the rejection and temper tantrum. Therapy prepared me for potential consequences, but not setting boundaries was riskier to my health. Very liberating to leave. Your books and videos helped me garner strength to seek counseling, become a better version of myself , and improved my relationships over all!!!!
I swear you HAVE to know my estranged "husband". A awful soul. Full of hate and anger and rage and pain. You have described him perfectly. Thank you for helping me stay true to truth. Thank you
That was my problem for a long time. I refuse to no longer concern myself with "tone of voice"
or how I conduct myself in their eyes. Guess what? I'll do and say what I want, run my own life.
Your stated goal is that we see how such people function. God wants the opposite for us. Thank you.
Going no contact from narc father has really changed my life for the better, but I can't get over the guilt. I know the truth but still feel this way. It is horrible.
I spent a HUGE amount of time and money trying to make my narcissistic ex-wife of 31 years happy, but it was always something else that I needed to do (it was a case of "what have you done for me today...every single day). The target never stopped moving. I knew she was sick in the head when she told me that I was selfish for attending our only kid's college graduation.
Jesus!
he would be 'overly caring, loving, effort to do projects etc... affectionate during tv watching ' then without warning and usually after receiving a message on phone, his hand would remove from me ...and he'd look straight forward... an aura of coldness would come over and i would begin feeling sick in the stomach, anxiety, knowing i am not able to ask what the message(s) were. last episode i quietly got up to try to walk off the panick and stomach cramping and act like i was not affected by any of his quick change. then he blurted out i was clamming up and acting odd etc. the panick was overwhelming as I explained to him i was not feeling very well, then he commanded that I should have said "i wasn't feeling well" ... i could not rationalize at all and he showed no compassion. i even stated "i am the one sick and you are talking to me like this showing no compassion". quickly got turned into all he's done for me, parroting back i accused him of always being nasty etc. i gathered my small bag of belongings and then he raged as he saw i was leaving. again i announced he was showing no compassion and i was getting even more ill. putting my shoes on, i looked up at him and said, 'i should not be put through any of this" and he was blurting out his usual hateful comments as i went to my car and left.
Obviously a picked fight, i wouldn't fight, and obviously his goal was for me to leave ...as i typically do out of fear to avoid a heated argument and me suffering chest pain needing NTG. and obviously he was not even once sad by me leaving...as his typically his response ...cold watching me go...only to then send me a message 2 to 3 weeks later "i love you. i miss you". this attempt will not affect me anymore. the love, empathy, is all gone. My Groundhogs Day movie will not ever have a happy ending and he will never be able to love anyone else but himself. Thank you for all your videos. They are saving me as a good human and woman.
'I am gonna stay a member of team healthy'! This is gonna be my mantra for the new year.
Everything I offered was always twisted into a negative. If I dared to mention how a situation felt frustrating or defeating, I was called selfish. Her constant put downs & anger, nearly broke me. My pleading for mutually respectful discussions only made me more of a victim. But the experience has changed me into a better and stronger human being. May the G-d who sees all bring loving kindness and right thinking to all of us.
At the end of the day, I am responsible for how I act, regardless of the triggers. Getting and staying away as much as you can is the only way to avoid conflict and abuse. Learning techniques to minimize your time around them is helpful. I announce I am on the way to the store, laundromat, or going home with frozen stuff in the car. I can't stay because my foot is killing me or I have a sick cat that needs me. Or I am so run down I have to go lie down. I have to make a phone call. There are hundreds of excuses to get away. I don't like to lie to people, so I make sure I am always telling the truth. It might mean contriving something first, but I at least don't have to worry about lying. I don't like getting mad. It takes too much out of me and I always feel bad that I had to "go there. " It takes a lot, but the narcissist has all the time in the world, as it is so entertaining to see someone lose it.
I have done the pleading ,the reasoning and then the ugly right back at them . I am 78 I finally desired I need to stay away from two of my sisters!
I've been calling my civility "placating" them, and that's what I've been doing.
Placating is different from acting with decency. Dr. C
I feel like I've been living in the matrix. It was hard to watch these videos at first, now I get a sense of dignity knowing I'm not completely crazy.
Thank you Dr.
I’ve heard one characteristic described this way.....everyone in the narcissist’s life is an extension of the narcissist, who is the center of his/her own universe. This is so pervasive that the narc actually thinks he/she has done things that have, in reality, been done by someone else. Mind boggling. The narc is so self-absorbed that he/she is numb to the presence of others.
I think that's very true and have seen this dynamic in real life. Another way I looked at it was to say that they can't allow or respect boundaries, because other people don't really exist in their world.
You have helped my recovery so much. I'm so very grateful. I feel like you're the kind wise uncle I never had. Thank you. 💗
Letting water run down the ducks back, and learning how to become selectively deaf while maintaining my own sense of cheer, is a way of finally respecting myself.
This helped me to see how to respond to a gaslighting bully at work. TY
Team Healthy it is!!! Positive, in control of self is primary. Thank you Dr C!!
5:21 - 6:05 Intentionally misinterpreting me in an extreme way. This is so profoundly on point. Of all the narcissistic techniques, I find this one the most impossible to deal with. The narcissist has her goal instantly - defining me as the "baddie" without any requirement to take account of me or or what I actually mean.
If I clarify what I mean, of course I'm attacking her 'truth' (and therefore her whole being), which immediately justifies her either ratcheting up the attacks against me or dismissing me off-hand because she 'doesn't need to engage with someone who is so selfish'. So I question myself, digging down into my inner being to find how she might have legitimately perceived me that way. Then I wake up years later to realise that I wasn't wrong all along, but the psychological damage of spending all that time in heavy self-recrimination has been done. I actually am a worse person for being with her. I have become what she wants me to be - the evil 'other'.
In case anyone who reads this wants to suggest that it's my problem for staying: Kids. Love them too much to be faced with the possibility of having to negotiate with a narcissist just to see them.
"Slight of hand and twist of fate, on a bed of nails she makes me wait..."
Walkonpart Inawar so sad for you. I understand your plight. I hate the person I’ve become-guarded, weighing every action and word in an attempt to avoid the Narcissistic behaviors that are exhausting. “Psychological damage” - so true.
Walkonpart Inawar Pick up your children and leave!
@@Joylibelle - She'll crucify him in the family court system. I think his concerns are valid. Not sure what the answer should be.
No one who has suffered a narc would ever say its your own fault.
@@tulanzuya Thanks for your validating comment - my apologies for the delayed reply - I did not see it until CZcams's notification for @satsumamoon's comment below, popped up.
I'm very aware that the only possible result of any post-separation fight over the kids would be total devastating defeat, while faced with vile false accusations with only my-word-against-hers as 'proof'.
So, one year on from my comment above, I'm still here, we hardly talk, and I'm resigned to the fact that she's blaming me for anything and everything. Life has 'settled' into a stressed-out, unpleasant co-existence where we pretend everything's okay when it's not. Exactly what every marriage aims for! Not. Lol.
“We can talk all day long about what is wrong with them.” 🤣🤣🤣🙌
The dog listening carefully :D
"The Martyr" drives me NUTS! If I call a Narc out on their behavior, their response is, "Well, I'm sorry I'm such a horrible person to care about you."
Me: Oh, puh-leez!
🙌🏾 My mother! She will tell me how much she is done for me and that I am just ungrateful. 2020 No contact.
So true, Dr Carter! We have to stop expecting the narcs to change
After multiple outreaches to create a compromise, I have given up and I do accept my defeat. Sometimes things like this aren't meant to work out. I cannot bow down to an ultimatum driven narcissistic parents anymore. My only decision was to go no contact move forward with my life and continue creating and living a healthy life with my own family. Thank you for such great advice and explanations.
they also mirror image call u defensive when they r but who does not get defensive when the narc attacks mercifully, ur vids are validating that I need to no longer talk with this person very helpful thank you
Dr. C,,, Very helpful as always. You have a way of seeing how things are with those who cannot love, do not have empathy, harm their children, control their spouse and in general leave a trail of human wreckage behind them.
My personal 3 favorite responses to a Narcissist baiting me are
1. I don't care
2. *a blank stare*
3. OK 🤷♀️
I ♥️ the blank stare
Thanks, I'm going to start giving the blank stare.
@@Sharon-sw7mr You are very welcome. I hope it works for you too
We needed this message Dr. C.
Gus is bored he probably don't want to hear about narcissistic people.
He likely has had enough of it and just wants to be petted.
They don't ever want to talk about solutions because they never think anything they do regardless if its against the persons wishes or not is wrong in any way. In their eyes only they know what's best for you.
I am a 40 year old man. I'm beyond sick of hearing about my mom's childhood. I'm not going to be impressed or surprised by these, probably wrong, stories I've heard all my life. She'll fight over the weather in another state
I am inspired by this wisdom Dr C -- "Whether you are a team member with me or not, I'm going to remain a member of team healthy." This is supportive to not get caught in the web of narcissism, because I very much do value teamwork and collaboration... which of course it not possible with a narcissist.
Thanks, Susan! Dr. C
I keep saying that my narc mother and her covertly narcissistic sister could teach Narcissistic Life in any college. They are NEVER wrong, NEVER cooperate and are professionals at threatening, bullying and triangulation. My sister and I have been no contact for over a year and a half. They still guilt us through text, social media posts and conversations they have with other family members.
I always wondered why I never felt myself around them; after nearly a year of counseling and therapy its crystal clear!
Mentally ill sick people.. And they just keep at it..
Run!!!
Narcs will act concerned and apologetic in an effort to get you to respond the way that they want you to respond. A negative response fuels the narc.
D Young not sure I ever witnessed ‘apologetic’. Pretend concern was always a lure.
Lissa Cabler Ware "pretend concern" is more accurate
I really needed to hear this....I get tripped up by a narcissist at work, every single time I work with her. She plays me like a fiddle.....but now, I’m on TEAM HEALTHY!!!!Thank you!!!
I give very pointed, conscise, & exact conversation PERIOD!
Spent my whole life under the sarcasm and condescending and controlling ways of my mother. Her threats were vile and downright evil, and I fell for all of them! I complied! She mocked me all my life ("Miss goody two-shoes! You poor little victim").
What mother does this? Amazingly, some can rationalize why this approach is reasonable. Dr. C
This channel has helped me so much! Long story but bottom line is, I am living with a Narc and can not move away from them at the moment. I also love this person and realize they are sick. I often come here (to this channel and the "Good Dr. ) and review his videos and wrap myself, so to speak, in his wisdom and great advice. He has helped me get through many rough times. Thank you, Dr.
Keep leaning forward, Deanna. Dr. C
GOD RULES THE UNIVERSE...REMEMBER THIS WHEN BEING ATTACHED BY THESE EVIL TROLLS..THEY HATE AND YOU KEEP THE LOVE MOVING FORWARD AND SHARE YOUR EXPERIENCE ON THESE DEMONS TO SUPPORT OUR WELL BEING...
Omgosh.... "team healthy".... That thought /term resonates with me so much. Thank you!!!!
Be able to take a step back when a red flag arises...
The Narc used to say...
“If you don’t like it, then leave!!”
So I left...
I have not looked back since... so much happier 🙏🏾❤️
Well, his comment made sense. Dr. C
@ Surviving Narcissism
Thank you for all the selfless work you are doing. It’s making a huge difference in many lives including mine.