When A Narcissist Realizes You Refuse To Be Controlled
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- čas přidán 3. 01. 2021
- It is the height of arrogance when a narcissist decides that you need to be controlled. Dr. Les Carter describes how narcissists may react with dismay when you make it clear that you will no longer come under their control. But he then outlines multiple reasons for you to stay your course as you declare that you are choosing to move into a more healthy direction.
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When you start realizing that the more time you spend by yourself you begin to actually feel better and are in a better mood, that's definitely a sign that you need to move on.
Brilliant. I've been doing just that. Keeping myself busy away from the narc.
Yes! That's exactly when I started on this journey a couple of months ago. My mom is a covert narcissist. I never knew what to call it before, I just knew she would rage and scream at me and call me names any time i inconvenienced her or didn't give her her way, or when someone else in her life hurt or inconvenienced her and I was the only person nearby at the time. Or sometimes when nothing at all happened that day but she needed to bring up something that happened 3 years ago or make something up out of nowhere to scream and rage at me about until I was in tears or screaming back trying to be heard. She was always either crying to me about her childhood or how awful my dad was and how she wanted to kill herself, and all sorts of things no parent should be telling their young child. I was always either her only friend and confidant or her worst enemy...just depended on the day. I felt insane and scared and pathetic my whole childhood. I was finally able to.move out at 20 and felt so much better on my own. We were no contact for about 3 months, then slowly started speaking again and things seemed better for awhile. 6 years later all hell broke loose and my parents divorced, and I ended up having to become her caretaker at this point due to financial and physical problems she had. That was 10 years ago and here I still am. If i was having anxiety about going to work to the point it was making me physically sick, her response was "You have to take care of me." I worked 10 hours a day on my feet to the point that every step felt like walking on burning glass shards, and she'd still insist that I complete her small part time job afterward because "she was just too depressed to get out of bed." (She had no problem getting up to go shopping or anything...just work.) Then i'd get gaslighted and called names if I complained.
But recently she found herself a slightly younger sugar daddy who is taking her on all kinds of vacations, which has been wonderful for me because I get time to myself in peace again. The past two vacations she went on have been the happiest weeks I have had in YEARS. And the amount of anxiety and sadness and discomfort i feel for the last two days before I know she'll be returning has been a HUGE wake up call for me. I have started disengaging when she tries to start fights and quietly blanking out when she starts the "woe is me" stories again.instead of playing into it like I did. I started saying no and holding my boundaries. Just Grey Rocking the hell out of life. Lol And now i'm being discarded because I am no longer of use to her. She has someone giving her money and driving her places and waiting on her hand and foot, amd she has started yelling and fighting with him recently as well so she gets her controlling narcissistic supply from him instead of me too. And I can't tell you how much of a relief it is. She's talking about moving to his lake house soon and I CAN. NOT. WAIT!!!!
You probably dont care at all but does anybody know of a tool to get back into an instagram account..?
I was stupid forgot my account password. I would love any tricks you can give me
Yes when you dread them coming home because the crap is going to start the minute they walk in the door…time to leave if they don’t wanna change, and they don’t.
So real
The easiest way to get rid of the narcissist is to respect yourself...
Very True.
But unfortunately they will still come at you, they are relentless. Ugh!!!
FACTS!!
@@pjpj3416 they love the positive energy that we have and want to suck that out of us VERY SAD...
@Deb Harris I agree💯💯💯
Once you stand up for yourself…. It’s gonna get worse before it get better. You have to learn to walk alone for a while because integrity is important here. Do not let them break you.
👍 👍 👍
This is where I am now! But I won’t give in. I want and value my freedom.
The key is to build up the capacity (resources) to walk alone. I got broken, but I won't be broken again because I can now walk away - I won't be controlled. As I read what I just typed, it strikes me that this is also how narcissists handle the world - the world must bend to them (me) or they (I) will not play the game. Tricky! If I believe that I have value and don't need to take crap from others, then am I escaping the narcissist or am I being a narcissist myself? By definition, self-reflection IS narcissism. Maybe psychotherapy is its own enemy in this respect?
@@MrFlazz99 If you suspect you are narcissistic then you are not, because narcissists are incapable of self reflection.
@@MrFlazz99 self-reflection requires objectivity and empathy, things the narcissist does not possess.
The dishonesty is so demoralizing, then when you call them on it they keep on lieing
Your disrespectful to the narcissist when you start respecting yourself!!
Or so they assume. Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism let them assume, but being myself is the first step towards better me ❤️
Right
How are you disrespectful to them
When u don’t have respect for yourself??
@@dawnwalker4574 you read it wrong
I was told I was disrespectful. No, I was actually disobedient. The need for control is outrageous.
Yes it is, " sometimes" it's like a tug of war match all day with my phone charger , (they control the charge) which means im literally holding onto a short cord into the wall , as if I'm literally playing tug of war, literally !
Lol
Yes!!! Same here
I heard the same thing... when I didnt want to be controlled, then I was told I was disrespectful. What I learned was there are two boundaries and they could not coexist, then it was a power struggle. If my wishes respected, his were not and vice versa. No one wins a power struggle.
it’s the double standard they expect of us, except themselves!
I was fired for that. I would like to see advice on how to keep your job when a narcissist is your manager. Because they are too many in corporate environments.
I don't owe the narcissist apologies for saying "No!"
Saying “NO” is saying “YES” to yourself. Saying “NO” is loving yourself.
When someone shows their true colours, believe them. 🙏🏻❤️
You're right, mate
Yes. Spot on.
She was so right. Maya Angelou nailed it.
Red Flags almost always turn out 2 be Correct. Listen to your gut.
Even when everyone else is telling you ‘they’re a great person’, ‘I’ve never seen them be nasty’
I am 58. I would rather spend the rest of my life alone, than having to go through what I had to live for the past 13 years. No Contact is the solution. I am so much better off now.
Maria, You got that Right Girl.
NO CONTACT IS THE ONLY WAY.
Congratulations! Good for you! You are much too valuable to be on an emotional roller coaster 🎢 I’m 50. My Narc is my brother (61 y/o). It took yrs for my family to finally see through his masquerade.
I put up with unimaginable narcissistic abuse until about 59 and went no contact with the FOO, extended family and almost left my husband but he got into Alcoholic Anonymous and changed for the better. His horrible mother finally did herself in and that abuser was out of my life too. I feel like you do. The joy that you feel when the narcissists are gone is like nothing I’ve ever felt before. I’m finally happy at 62.
I was 58. When I walked out after 41 years of living in hell. Then took 2 yrs to get divorced. I now have a peaceful life I am so thankful
I would rather spend the rest of my life by myself then go through what I have gone through the last 15 years!
Same here. I decided that no relationship was much better than a bad relationship. I’ve been single a long time and that is fine with me. My life isn’t crazy anymore😀👍
I agree with you 💯 %
Wow.15 years? I pray for your recovery🙏
On the other side, celibate for the last 15 years because of my previous marriage to a narc. Yes I am happy, no regrets.
@@user-yc7vv2mz3v We stay in Narcissistic relationship because we delude ourselves that our Narcs partners will somehow change in the very near future. Then you learn with horror, they are hell bent to self destruct provided no one can blame them for the destruction of the family. I stayed for 28 years. I became almost bankupt trying any possible way to salvage my marriage.
It got to the point where I didn't care anymore. "You don't get to control me" was the most freeing thing I ever said.
Makes sense to me!
I hope you are continuing to run free😊
I used the exact same words.
That's the point I reached after years of BS!
@@HereForToday42 They just attack no matter what. The very thing that enabled me to go nc with my once dear little sis. It hurts, but not as much as being targeted with ill will.
When I finally decided enough was enough, my narcissist hubby went into a rage. I had a fight on my hands but I was fed up being controlled. Long story short, divorced the narcissist and now living my best life free from a controlling individual. Break free people. It is worth it.
When he went into the rage, he proved your decision to be right.
HI Armor, did he pretend he was doing the most for everyone and you. Did other women hate on you because he put them before you and acted like he was tied to you when all along he acted like he hated your guts! I am wondering they would like to get back at their mommies for not being good mommies so they punish every one else.
@@Luke747gal See a credit couselor. They are usually free.
The best decision you've ever made. Good on you, good luck in your future life.
@@Luke747galWalk and work the rest out.
The narcissist erases people who don't conform to their rule book.
💯
Hope so! Sooner the better!
Absolutely. I finally extracted myself from toxic in-laws and I feel free. I always felt like they didn't want me in their family and they were so jealous of me. I do not hate them but I realize how broken and sad they are.
Exactly! They can’t handle it. 💯
I am so glad they do
There's no fixing crazy. Save yourself! Leave the narcissist alone. No contact saved my life!
What do you do if they just won’t leave you alone?
@@nextepisode1196 Get tough!!! Get a restraining order and tell them that you have one. If they come near you, they go to jail. I had to get super tough with my husband. The police were called to our house many times. Deep down every bully is a scared chicken. And we know that Narcissists are big time bullies. You have to put them in their place and keep them there!!!!! GOD BLESS YOU 😇
@@nextepisode1196 Block them everywhere. Block mutual friends. It is worth it.
@@nextepisode1196 Move far, far away! Don't share ANY friends with them. I know it is a hard reality, but they have poisoned them against you from the beginning, and will use them to torment you. You literally have to start over. It seems to be the only way to get free from them. Change your phone number. Change your email. Change your job. Change your residence. Change whatever you need to change, so they can't find you. Then, you will be able to breath, so that you can start to recover your own identity. You can start to finally heal. Reflect on how you got ensnared in the first place, and don't repeat it. My heart aches for you because I know how hard this all is. You can get free.
@@nextepisode1196 Fake your own death, change your name and move to Canada?
Control is the centerpiece of their manipulation. Because they have a lack of control in their own lives, they are relentless in their drive to control others. Remember that self-love is your best defense against allowing another individual (narcissistic or not) to control you.
Self love is your best defense. I was always concerned about everyone else and lost myself.
The best way to deal with a narcissist is to LEAVE. ESCAPE and NEVER SPEAK TO THEM AGAIN.
Absolutely.
Narcissists sometimes treat women like trash bags. Never try to lean on a guy for everything, but a narcissist, will try to play games, and make u into a timid , controlled doormat. Be independent , Dont be a victim ever!
The funny thing is narcissists are so easy to injure. Once you realize that you don't even feel like participating in their madness. You'll find them constantly triggered or actually avoiding you
Exactly
Indeed!
So true!!!!
Yes that’s what my Narc mom and sister in law do...
Yesssssssss.
You can't reason with a narcissist. I tried it.
They are not normal and never will be. Therefore, they cannot be dealt with rationally, because all they care about is destroying you. They are haters of the TRUTH. Shutting them out is your saving grace.
@@eagleeye2300 Yep... that's exactly what worked. Shut them out. Sometimes that's easier said than done. She would NOT be shut out. It took the cops to get her off my back. And she STILL blamed me for EVERYTHING. One month it was, "Ya' know Tim. If you leave me I can just tell the police you raped me." The next month is was, "You let your family control you. You are not thinking correctly. That's why you left me. You are controlled by them."
That was long ago in the past... but not long enough.
Yep, impossible!
You just can't
tell me about it. its mental
I've lived with 3 narcissistic men and only learned about narcissism a few years ago. I always thought there was something wrong with me. I'm so happy to find out that nothing is wrong with me. I'm a very empathic person and am now on my own and happier than I've ever been. Thank you for posting these videos 🥰
Just make sure your picker is working well.
@@SurvivingNarcissism I actually thought all men were like that but have since found out different
Same here.
Me too
Exactly the same here! I started learning in retrospective thanks to many years of therapy and Dr. Carter videos (I can’t thank him enough, really). I spent years being misdiagnosed (depression, bipolar, etc.). All my sadness, rage, frustration, desperation disappeared after these toxic narcissists were out of my life. I went from being a grey person to the happiest and colorful being in few months. Recently, I entered into a similar situation with a work collaborator (almost a PTS episode), but I recognized the classic narcissistic traits in him and cut all communication/interaction. The change in my mood was almost immediate! Thanks for your immense knowledge and compassion, Dr. Carter! I can’t imagine how many lives have you saved with your videos.
What sucks is how many times you can give them a chance and still see that little light and think for just a moment “wow, they actually did change,” and then a month or a couple of weeks later they’re back to their old ways. They promise and promise they’ll change and they just don’t. And it sucks because some of us continue to route for their happiness and they just don’t want to see you win 😞
I was treated as a patsy for 30 years because of that. Never again.
yes mine said he will change and stopped drinking so i gave him last chance and he was ok for four days then boom back worse as timper and rage, as i had boundaries i read out.
Mine doesn’t even pretend to care anymore. I don’t get any apologies, there is zero remorse, he blames me for everything he does.
Their identity is the opposite of yours
My husband just tells me "YOU changed and now your crazy" because I became myself again. I told him "sad after 38 years together it's a shame you never knew me." I just wanted to live, travel and have fun in life. 😢I feel bad for him however, gave him enough chances to change and he won't even accept ANY faults.
Narcissists want a “yes man” who would say “excuse me for being me”...and go along with their program...
Correct! Dr. C
You could voice your disappointment or be silent either way they feel slighted. But on the same hand they would say they WANT you to have your own opinion. They say WANT as a way of giving you permission to have a different opinion.
THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANT!!!! I am completely surrounded by these people!!!! I feel so outnumbered!!!!! Nobody is on Team Healthy!!!!!
Yup ... you’re dumb too them you have no brain and you can’t think for yourself ...in theirs eyes. But when u know their tactics and they see you aren’t any of those things they turn on u quick and anger ensues because you’ve figured them out. They are souless far as I’m concerned because who goes around hurting people purposely?! Smh
@@seewhatisee7427 EXACTLY!!!!! I GOT BETTER THINGS TO DO IN MY LIFE!!!! GOOD GRIEF I COULD BE DEAD TOMORROW!!!! NOBODY KNOWS WHEN THERE TIME WILL BE UP!!!! JUST BE NICE!!!! LIKE I WANT TO BE MEAN TO YOU!!!! STUPID!!!! I WANT TO MAKE FRIENDS!!! SPREAD SOME LOVE, LAUGH AND SMILE!!!! ❤🛐
They can’t take what they dish out, they think they’re never wrong, they only want people to tell them want they wanna hear, and they’re very manipulative
Facts !
That’s mat, my wife’s 34 year old ex con narcissist, that is exactly how he is, I am one of the few who “dare” to tell him the truth and for that he works overtime spreading lies and hate about me, a passer of bad checks ( fraud) and a dealer of Oxytocin ( Federal incarceration) he always portrays himself as an angel.
Well said
They think they are too good to conversate with you on a human to human level. They think they are your authority. What a joke.
Totally agree. That sums up my ex perfectly!
I never had inner peace growing up, even as a young adult. My life was an unbroken chain of controlling relationships. I didn’t even know inner peace was a possibility until a few years ago. Now that I’ve found it i believe it’s essential to being happy but is often underrated or overlooked. No relationship is worth it’s sacrifice.
AMEN!
They tell you how much they,ve done for you.
Yep
My husband always does this! I am so thankful I found these videos because I really thought I was the blame 😢 and now I know I’m not ❤
Less is more. The less you engage with them, the more happiness you can extract from life.
100%
I can say this with confidence from personal experience. They will turn it into a goddamn war of attrition that could cost you dearly. I have thorough knowledge from dealing with one of these things that pass themselves off as people. The situation was uniquely difficult to navigate because I am referring to my father.. As wounded as they are they are equally evil. Possibly unredeemable. They will use every resource available. Friends, family, the law, your employment. Even try to sabotage your personal relationships. Your kids. Sink so low as to utilize, blackmail, extortion. Son of a bitch even hired a P.I. to spy on me after I tried to brake it off. Everything is a potential tool to control destroy or kill you.
Talk is silver: silence is golden.
Unfortunately it’s my only child… So disengaging doesn’t bring a lot of happiness😿
@@gloriastreet4684 As we know, there really isn't a panacea when trying to cope with a narcopath. To me, happiness is relative. All we can do is try to be as happy as possible. Wishing you well...
When I sit boundaries up with the narcissist The narcissist replied that I was mentally and emotionally unstable that's when I realized I had my control back.
YES!!! I have had the same happen. One day, all those this narc has told this to will see they're the one with issues. Not me.
My mother did the same to me and even sent me to a psychiatric hospital.
My mother did the same to me and even sent me to a psychiatric hospital.
Yup, they live by gaslighting. It comes out of them as natural as breathing.
That’s what is called Gas ⛽️ lighting ! AKA making you look 👀 crazy 😜 Hell no !
Just set boundaries with some family members who I now realize are narcissists. Their reaction is *everything* this video has described. Shaming, bullying, triangulating, etc. All of it!
Tell me about it! I'm enjoying the silent treatment.
"I'm not having this conversation." And walk away.
Ive done that.the past three yrs has taught me who really cares.the silence is liberating.
I keep little contact with everyone! I will also cut people completely out of my life if they cross my boundaries. I blocked the narsisist and not letting that bird into my life again. He is insane
@@manbearpig7521 I do not know whether you meant it in a sarcastic way but I actually AM enjoying the silent treatment and healing and learning to uphold my boundaries while my narcissistic mom is 'punishing' me by not talking to me. I am living my unashamedly best life over here and finally enjoying her absence!
on a positive note they do create incredibly strong people , with insight and (if you manage to get away) lots of peace in their life. bravo to anyone who has had the strength to tell family members to go away and stop being so childish
Or incredibly angry people. I'm 65 years old and still angry.
This is one of the best comments that I've read. On any thread here at Dr. C's
There should be a test administered at 18 to everyone, if youre a narcissist, a psychopath or a sociopath, immediate execution, no questions asked. Imagine the utopia.
@@karlabritfeld7104thanks for sharing this, I’m 20 and I’m extremely angry, I used to find hope in freedom after my parents pass, but after seeing your comment I realise that I could end up wasting my whole life waiting for nothing.
They lack emotional maturity and any sort of coping ability.
Yes...they get mad when u cant control u or keep tabs on u
They have the emotional maturity of a 4 year old, at best
@@aricaiwdjts same here my friend. The hard part is I have 3 kids still at home. Just can't live with an adult that acts like a toddler when she doesn't get her way.
What if the narcissist is my father, and I have no other options but to live with him at the moment...
@@mochiwaffles it’s really tough. My advice (having lived with my narc dad for 27 years lol, finally moving out this month) is to just start removing all emotion from your voice whenever you are around him. Be polite/civil and respond but don’t ever let him know with your reactions that he “makes” you feel ANYTHING. He might get suspicious to begin with but just make sure you stick with neutral tone of voice and don’t let him push your buttons (that’s what mine does when I’m being too chill for his purposes cause he fucking KNOWS how to grind my gears ha) and don’t slip into the territory of moody, cause then he can use that against you. And just bust a gut to get away from there asap my dudes. Be sensible. Look after yourself - you matter, what you think and feel counts, and no one can change your reality if you hold firm to it in your head. You are not the crazy one!!
I went no contact with mine and the silence from them has been pure heaven.
It's nice when the jackhammering finally stops! Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism That it is, my Nark is my Mother and Brother n-law . Life is just way to short for the drama.
Good for you, Billie! ❤ Wishing you well!
Peaceful isn’t it!
@@zubieM it is
I feel immediately more relaxed getting away from her. My tension goes thru the roof thinking of coming home. Know it all, domineering, no respect for boundaries but demands respect. “You should” is a common phrase around here. This person thinks they know what’s best for me.
❤
I feel.that
😢
Having the guts to say "I don't ever want to be your friend again" after 2 years of sucking up to a narcissist who destroyed my self image and confidence was the best thing that's happened to me. Over the 2 years she isolated me from making any other friendships, but being lonely for the meantime is better than being called a terrible person for slightly disagreeing with something.
I still remember vividly the day I told this one "friend" who had gotten to the point of only showing up when he was desperately in need of something... "I WANT YOU OUT OF MY LIFE." It took him a few YEARS to really get the point, as I consistently refused to answer his phone calls or speak to him if he showed up at my house. It wasn't even just that he only had time if he needed help... it was how he kept letting his own life fall into chaos, while simultaneously ALWAYS trying to tell ME how to live MY life!!! I wish I knew about narcissism DECADES ago.
I had the same experience with a narc "friend". She was jealous every time I formed friendships and did everything to isolate me and make herself the centre of attention. After I cut her off, all those people she thought were in her life for her left, they were only close to her because I was there too. Idiot
When they realize you refuse to be controlled, they try to destroy you in every way possible.
@@oscarwilliamson1264
Hell no. I learned to recognize them many, many years ago and run as quickly away from them as possible. That includes my two older sisters.
Very ture
Hope not. I have been discarded and erased (refer other comments) I am also going no contact and enjoying it
They try to turn the people closest to you against you. They are straight trash!!!
@@oscarwilliamson1264 Yes narcs bark.
Calling out a narcissist will enrage them. Telling them you wont stand for being controlled, will set them off. Just be ready for the rage.
Yrp
Yep they are ready to fight (my ex ) was the worst!!! Horrible person
Mine has started up again I've had no contact with him for almost a year he is in jail but sending me intimidating letters jokes about murder and violence
@@lisahutchins1642 Show the police, let them extend their time.
Just don't say a word to the narc. Get away. You may be physically harmed (even killed) depending on the "type" of narc you're dealing with. Watch HLN wives with knives or "til death do us part", or "very scary people".
as soon as he understood that I understand the mind games and I won't play along with it, he discarded me. At first I was raging and crying. How icecold, how could he just leave like that. But it makes sense: I cut off the supply, why would he care anymore? Now I'm looking forward to a peaceful life without being controlled.
Just stay no contact
My narc sister used to start a fight or make up a lie and smear me until everyone else thought "you must have done SOMETHING to piss HER off." When I gray rocked her in the past, she'd approach me and say "Are you still playing victim?" I have been no contact for 9 years. If she says it to me at an upcoming family wedding, in a few weeks, and asks me if I am still playing victim, I plan on asking "Are you still playing human?"
Rain, just wondering how she acted at the wedding towards you!! I hope you were able to have a good time in spite of that wicked demon!!
Reading this crying … grey rocking is chewing her up and she becomes furious.I can’t wait to be away from this .
"No" is a complete sentence.
I am getting this tattooed on my forearm!
NO to a Narcissist means ON (as in, game on....).
love that statement!!!and it's true!! amazing!!
Oh yeah! 😆
“No” isn’t a complete sentence only because the period is missing. 😉 “No.”
Don’t go DEEP (defend, explain, engage or take them personally) with them. Walk away (if possible) and live happily ever after with no regrets. 💛💥💫
I like that acrynom 100% accurate
@@denisesunshine7756
Yes; once a malignant narc is identified, do not waste any effort in justifying your life, thoughts, or existence to them in any way.
walk away is not always the solution - the Narc may be in your friend group, or the owner of the gym you go to, or a sibling, or parent. It's so screwed - if the narc is in a friend group, you can't just walk away from the group and lose the positive people within the group... or to risk having the narc shit-talk you behind your back and spil the landscape for you to keep friends within the group.
9:30 You can't say to him/her, "Look, I want to be treated with respect." They'll just smirk at you and then gossip against you to the friend crew.
You can't just walk away.. it may be a last resort, but then you may walk away from a friend circle, or a job...
Or a parent who favors sibling(s) over you - the parent may be a source of funding or money, so its a slippery slope.
I like this. “Don’t go DEEP”.
I wish I could walk away 100% but she has my kids and uses then to keep some control over me. Backed by the child surport agency's and Lawers and a system the is anti father here in the UK
Not being told or controlled by anyone
The worst part for me was hearing back from family members about the things she was saying about me. Some lies, some exaggerations and twisting, and absolutely nothing about all of the effort I gave for 59 years to try to please or at least have peace between us. I was used to being a scapegoat, but hadn't realized how much the fam had been trained to believe it, even though they also saw and experienced the lifelong behavior. Very painful.
So relatable
I hope we get reincarnated, because we won't fall for the shit again and waste another lifetime
Yes. I understand. The negative talk behind your back is so hurtful.
I can so relate. Sigh.
The narcissists seem to take it as a personal insult , if you set your own pace, have different opinions, preferences or choice even in regard to small things , that would not impact them. I do not appreciate being crush like that.
Often you feel like you are "playing house" with a bossy 6 year-old.
They hate your 'sense of self', the one thing that is vital to being a free authentic person.
@@kieransimpson4965 , yes constantly giving in for peace and harmony was a mistake. It is difficult to deal with a stubborn, rigid person , who is always quietly plotting to get his way . Usually I was far too busy to notice it.
My sister believes there are two ways to live your life. Her way and the wrong way. And by living another life she takes it as a personal threat to her way of life. Like if living different is the same as saying: "They way you life is wrong. " She obviously is too silly to acknowledge that there are many right ways to live your life.
@@solidstate9451 I know its all filtered into black and white
@@sgcsgc6974 yes, you are right, setting boundaries can be difficult with these controlling narcissists.
However, I found out that raising my level of self love, self awareness and knowledge of their manipulative tricks helped me immensely in becoming more assertive towards the narcissist.
I guess, that many , who enter relationships with narcissists were raised by abusive parents and have psychological wounds from childhood. These wounds can be healed .
Those who crave to control others usually can't control themselves.
#TruthRightThere👏👏👏👏👏👏👍
Adolf Hitler's a prime example of that remark
It is an attempt to find balance in their life. Sadly, these are the people who look to someone else to complete their life. They refuse to organize themselves so that everything they need is within themselves. They won't find balance until they learn this.
@@aaronfischer9885 wow Aaron. If anybody ever put it the way it really is that is it right there. They refused to organize themselves and live a chaotic life instead. But I'm afraid they don't have the skills they need and they need to seek help to do this. Problem is, most of them don't think I have a problem in the first place and getting them to admit that they do is like pulling teeth. So nothing's going to change in their lives. They'll never learn from their mistakes because they refuse to accept responsibility for them. But you're right about it being an organized and then refusing to do anything about it. I'm thinking that they don't have the skills to do it if they did want to.
@@rubensalazar9619 Thank you Sir. You made some excellent observations yourself as well.
He became enraged when I pointed out how controlling he is & pulled the car over then got out with the car keys but I opened up the glove box just to show him that I had hidden another set of keys. Having been left stranded by him before I prepared in advance & needless to say he got back in the car… my car because I wouldn’t go on long trips otherwise. Finally no longer in my life & the freedom is so wonderful that I will always be grateful for it
This was especially wonderful to hear, since my narcissist recently yelled, “I don’t care about your f’in boundary”! I now know a better way to respond. Thx Dr C.
Glad it resonated!!
I now realize my mother never loved me. The fighting me when I was a little girl, the bullying, the name calling, being put out as a child being humiliated being the scapegoat to the golden child. Being hit in the head with a coke bottle. Having an affair with my husband. I could go on and on. But now she's gotten old and she needs me there's no one else
Look at them as a blessing in your life... as a roadmap of how not to be
Wonderful advise here Brother! Thank you John Bundy.
@@ArtemisSilverBow , Do you not see sister that they are mentally ill. They do not think like you. It is sad for them. They are so sick in there mind that they have to pick on innocence! Oh This is dangerous for them! GOD doesn't like it when people mess with his kids. Please try and understand that sometimes when we go through the most Hanis crimes, the point is we go through. Nobody promised us a cushy life. Every breath is so precious. What John Bundy is trying to say is : Learn from this Dear Sister! I love you and understand your hurt. Please try and be grateful that your not like them. Psalm 147:3 `He heals the brokenhearted and binds up there wounds. GOD loves you so much. I´m so sorry Erin that you have been hurt so bad it makes me want to cry. For every SURVIVOR here. We are NOT VICTIMS. We can have pity or power. I take the Power in Jesus as HE pulled me out of the pit of hell with a victim mentality!
He has a long arm and can heal even the sickest heart! I love you Erin.
Well said and absolutely correct
John : TOTALLY !
😂 nice one
I was NOT born to be someone's, anyone's EFFING robot.
AMEN
That's right ! I was my family f---- robot , as well as my ex husband's !
@@rachelsimbhu4383 , I'm so sorry to hear this. I was too. No more! I am free to be me. May GOD Bless you with Much peace of mind, love and joy to you Sister in Jesus mighty name. No guilt or condemnation as Your a miracle!
The people with the most power at present see Brave New World as a Utopia. They want to manufacture you from scratch, tailor made for a role in their script. No loose threads in the great fabric, the clockwork paradise of a God.
@@Acetyl53 well I am going to be a loose thread, having nothing to do with their
so called utopian fabric. I'm good where I am.
I'm weary of explaining and defending myself to people who choose to put me down and want to make me feel less than.
Been there enough.
Moving forward now.
My favorite response to most controlling statements is, "I didn't agree to that!" The reaction is ALWAYS priceless. LOL
No matter how much love you give them, how much empathy you show them, and how many times you forgive them, they still accuse you of not loving them or being selfish. They appreciate nothing. At the end of the marriage my narcissistic ex-husband kept telling me what a deficient wife I was. After years of defending myself I said ‘It sounds like being married to me was awful for you, it’s a good thing you’re leaving.’ He didn’t know what to say to that. I never defended myself again and have gone no-contact.
LET FREEDOM RING!!!! They are such freaks!
Hahaha that was a good come back. Good on you 👍🏾
this sounds very familiar - told me every other woman was a better Christian wife then me
Mine is a roller coaster, I'm always walking on eggshells trying to keep the good mood, never knowing when it's going to move down again. Sometimes, I feel like I'm dealing with a child. Can't escape.
Kn
It’s not worth losing yourself to someone who can’t live without beating everyone else down to prop themselves up. That person doesn’t deserve a place is ANYONES life.
Well said. Gospel truth.
🙌🏽
So right. I did and getting myself back was Hell. I do have to say though. Now that I AM back, I am stronger and wiser. I thank Jesus Christ for being with me through the storm and for showing me The Way to Him. Jesus will never let you down. John 14:6
Well, Said.
Seriously! I use to take such good care of myself. And now, I can’t remember the last time I did my skin care routine, or my hair care routine or just went out to go do my nails. But I am slowly but surely getting myself back together. I have an eyebrow, lash and nail appointment all set up. I just ordered my skin care and hair care stuff. And it just feels amazing!
There are two people who go 'down' when you realise you are dealing with a narcissist. Your job is to save one of them.
Lol good comment mate
🔥🤝🔥 well said.
Well said
What is wrong with these people? I am scared and absolutely want to remain without ever experiencing this type of abuse again in my life!
The narcissist told me “If you feel abused by the way I teach you things then we don’t need to be involved” My response “I AGREE”
Someone once told me they were told "it's not abuse, it's constructive criticism"
Got to that point and she would just say "No. You don't agree. You're a very cold person if you're thinking about losing me"
Mine threatens divorce, I tell him “Great, where do I sign?”
Constructive criticism usually doesn't make ppl feel bad, that said, only if those narc accept the criticisms as well? Usually they don't
👏👏👏 AMEN
Narcissists hate boundaries, they hate rules, they hate hearing "No," and they hate looking in mirrors at their true, unpleasant selves -- in short they hate reality, and their lives are basically one long rebellion against it. When you refuse to go along with their plans you're usually giving them a big dose of reality that they'll find very hard to accept, and that's when their fangs come out. When they go from a fake smile to a rage it's terrifying, but it's a really good sign that it's a true narc you're dealing with. Thank heaven there are wise people like Dr. Carter who support our instinctive understanding that we are dealing with unreasonable monsters, and who help give us the strength to break free.
@@mapleleaf1185 Maintaining a very fake, and thus fragile, self image seems to require much weirdness and evil. And the resulting atmosphere must be perceived as normal, or at least justified, for the whole sick charade to work. Your parents teaching you that the typical husband is like them was clearly a part of this normalization effort -- with the bonus that if you eventually wound up with a narc they could bond with him by talking about what a pain you can be.
Congrats on somehow escaping this horrific double trap. And my condolences if it snapped on you for a time...
Saying NO to a Narcissist means to try harder or keep asking.
I think I did just that :) Can't help it, I like the truth too much to put up with bullshit.
Yeah they just don’t make sense. Don’t try to make sense of it. You can’t because they don’t make sense.
Amen 🙏
I reached my breaking point. No friends, no family, no co workers. I was convinced I was in outcast. I sat down with my boss who is an executive VP for my company and told him what I'm dealing with with my Narc wife and he simply said, "you deserve to be happy. Figure out how to be haply."
How can you soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkeys ?
Take a big leap and fly.
Yep!
No truer statement
My ex is a neglectful narc. He pretended not to hear me almost all the time, but he was talkative and outgoing to everyone else. Any time I tried to talk to him about something in our relationship that was bothering me, that's when he'd totally lose it and start yelling and deflecting. He'd say "well you did this and that" anything to try to defend himself, turn it around and make me the villain and make it a fight so I would start crying and forget what I wanted talk about. It made me start thinking, maybe I'm being petty and judgemental because I do things that bother him too, so I should just ignore it. The thing is, he never said anything about being bothered until I tried to have a mature discussion, then his temper would come out. Otherwise he just sat around playing video games on his phone and ignoring me and the kids. Everyone loves him because he's always ready to lend a hand or be the social butterfly, but he was never there for us. He was always there for other people. He thought he was entitled to everything I did for him. Finally, very recently, I called him on it. I said, "you purposely took advantage of me our whole marriage because you knew I'd do everything." He smirked and said, "yeah, I did." That's when I started planning to leave him. I've been in my own place for a year and a half now, and I've never made a better decision in my life.
Kathleen Grant,You deserves better 🙏
True, they are always the hero for others but if you need help, they make it clear that you better be very, very thankful for their precious time.
@@faeline8623 so creepy
kinda nice that he at least admitted he took advantage . .I got one "sorry you were hurt once. . closest thing I ever got for an apology. so glad for you not being under such a dangerous person any more. . .
Mine always did that to me everyone is before me I mean everyone
I know this is cliche, but don’t light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
I've never heard of that saying, but I DO LUV IT. ;D
Awww cliches are great honestly. 🥰
Brilliant....... guilty M'Laud!!! Thanks for this. xxx
When you are born into Narc parents, I knew from early on life in my family was not safe for me. I tried asking for help, but was invisible. Close family knew but did nothing. I think most were afraid of my mother too. Everything was for her, and she was horribly jealous of me. When nobody but me n her in house, the beatings and belittling me til brother or father came home. But she would even smack me in face with her silverware at dinner and Dad would not say or do anything to stop it! 60 years. Ugh! Go Far Away from a Narcissist as fast as you can and don't look back!
I like this!
Dr Les you makes much sense, not only can I understand why things are happening I can accept things and move on with my life.. please know that through your dedication to help people like myself who simply can't afford counselling... I am growing every day in confidence and looking forward to finally enjoying a happy healthy life and it's about time at 64 Bless you, Bless you, Bless you.🌄🌻🌞
You are why I do these videos!!
This video was quite helpful. I’m just starting to realize that I was in a 28 year sham of a marriage with a raging narcissist. I cannot describe the feeling of relief I have now that we have been divorced for the past three years, like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I had always felt that I was a decent,hardworking individual in my younger years. I have always tried to be considerate and respectful in my dealings with other people,my ex wife included. Now that I am able to breath again, I am much happier than I have ever been. “The world would be a better place if everyone thought like me”, was an actual quote that was thrown in my face from said ex,when I dared to defend my opinion on one occasion. Yes, I thank my lucky stars every day that I’m free from a raging,hateful control freak. The scary part about narcissists is that they can be very charming in addition to being very calculating. Beware
I feel ya on the charm and manipulation. My grandmother was that two-faced charming, manipulative so-n-so. One of my college band mates who had ended up talking to her said, "Your grandma is so sweet, etc." I said, "John, don't let her sweet granny act fool you. She's nothing like that behind closed doors. I oughta know."
He looked at me like I was nuts. I then said, "Trust me, John. She's nothing like she seems." I wish I'd had a mirror that showed her true self to those who didn't believe me.
My spouse charms EVERYONE. He knows how to do it, that and he's good at getting people to feel sorry for him.
It is very different behind closed doors.
Once you declare your own freedom or sovereignty, you have officially declared war with the narcissist.
And bang! The relationship is over. 3 days and counting for me....
@@faeline8623 I bet you feel great!
@@dodibenabba1378 I am still a bit confused, feel like I lost something, but I am somehow relieved.
@@faeline8623 when you realise it was mostly a lie it's easier to deal with. Get a little notebook and jot down all the things they said and did. When you feel vulnerable go and read it. Can I direct you to the Shaneen Mehaji channel, this woman is brilliant and has helped me keep my sanity. May Our Father in Heaven bless you and protect you and heal you. 🔥🗡️✝️
@@dodibenabba1378 thank you so very much for for your kind words! I hope you are ok and healing. Bless you 🙏
When they realize I refuse to be controlled they ghost me .
OH absolutely Craig, In a group setting, they will love bomb everybody else and ICE you. You will be like a ghost to them. If they can't control you, if you don't admire them and laugh at their jokes, they will act like you do not exist, while simultaneously blowing smoke up the arses of every other member of the group. This has happened to me twice now. I used to be at risk of 1:1 relationships with narcs and then I got a better self-esteem, and it would never happen to be now. My bf now is a very strong character who has taught me a lot about boundaries. He really embodies the Do NO HARM AND TAKE NO SHIT way of living. But the people who've frozen me out from the group, they are angry that I will not take my place beneath them. That is quite literally what is triggering their rage and they use ''ghosting'' while you're all still present in the group to put you back in your place as they see it.
@@SusanaXpeace2u yea my ex husband was like this at partys with his family. He didn't know me once we walked in the door. It was so weird to go from holding hands in the car to him not knowing I was at the party. Even in family pics ! I was in the crowd ..somewhere; )
@@HeatherDMorris but he is your ex husband now, thank God, good for you (high five) 😊
Same here. When I refused to apologize to my narcissistic ex wife for something which I had every right to do, she ghosted me (it has been going on for two years now).
@@tedschmitt178 i don't think that's being ghosted. it's just being x spouses?
“Emotional duress “, “you start feeling those things about yourself”😢
My stress was so bad I had to go no contact. I’m glad that I did I got emotionally and physically better and stop taking all my anti-depressants, anxiety medication and sleeping pills because I don’t need them anymore. No contact equals no stress. At least for me.🎉
Thank you Dr. C for another great video, I learn something new every day.
🦋SURVIVOR🦋
#TeamHealthy
It is amazing how things improve isn't it?😅 My parents were/are awful narcs, and a "friend" I have grey rocked the heck out of. No contact with my mother and sister and no response for the woman who wants to reel me back in. Phooey! Feeling my feelings is priceless. All the best to you for your healing and joy!🦋🌹
@@morebirdsandroses stay strong, dear one!🦋😊👍
My son is a narcissist. Finally, after 10 years I refused for him to control me anymore. He went to all family and some friends and trashed my reputation. He has lied so much, and sadly some are buying his story. I am so tired.
Sorry to hear that, stay strong ❤. I know he's your son but it's always better cut as much attachment to them as possible for one's own sanity.
Your own son? Wow. My family sucks too.
The truth will out Julie. People's characters show over time. Time is a healer but also a great revealer. The smear campaign only feeds them so much for so long..they always need that prime grade supply so he will move on to another target. Make sure that you develop a life that none of them know of..have friends and people and places and things that they have no contact or control over. Spend time with people who don't know your past so that you don't need to share it with them..if you do need to share either do it with someone you really trust or a professional therapist. The smearing really hurts but you will only lose the horrible ones you don't need. The ones who are genuine and kind will reach out no matter what the narc says. That mask doesn't stay on forever. It will fall soon enough for others to see the truth. They can't fake forever. You have an authentic self. The narc doesn't, they are empty shells and are jealous of you. This is a fact.
I'm not going to be controlled, if I have to be alone for the rest of my life. Period.
I ended up getting remarried to and actually very wonderful woman and live a very successful life now so don't give up hope in love and relationships my wife asked me why are you with me and I say because you're nice that's it that's what made me fall in love with her she's a human being an actual human being
@johnny five absolutely awesome and cool see that's the type of insight that a narcissist can never understand or try to explain human beings evolve they grow they mature through life the narcissist is forever stagnant
Peace is priceless 🕊
Same here!
Got that right, better to be by yourself than to be someones puppet. Someone thinks I'll just sit by and let them minipulate me, they can kiss my ass and take a damn permanent hike in the woods.
I used to wait until my ex was sleeping to EAT and watch Netflix! He was soo toxic he would try to control what I watched and ate, it was pure HELL
I too have found myself hiding normal things out fear.
I still check myself and get panicky over nothing if I think I’m doing something someone else might not approve of. It’s crazy how those narcissists programmed me to be afraid of my own shadow.
I would buy candy at work and eat it on the ride home, throw the rubbish in the public bins at the apartment and hide or throw away receipts so he didn't know I was eating candy, or spending too much on groceries.
@@kaikalindsey4319 omg i know how you felt!!
He would tuen off the tv and light say "I think its time to go to bed, dont you,"
That much is true! Don’t PERSONALIZE. It’s about their insanity.
A strong will person can not be controlled!
Expect any or all of the following:
1) silent treatment
2) rage
3) echoing your reasoning back at you
4) stubbornness
5) unco-operativeness
6) vindictiveness
7) return your things like gifts you gave, your effects, etc - unsolicited of course
8) sweet-talking or any sort of "niceness" to get your guard down - they can use that to try to fish for more information to use against you
I have to deal with a lot of this crap.
very true... I have dealt with all of these at some time or another with my own family and now a colleague at work... I just deactivated my social media and am focusing on mental health healing with my therapist... being alone for a little bit to heal is better than living in the chaotic and confusing he11 these people create... 💕
1) check
2) check
3) check
4) check
5) check
6) check
7) check
8) not .... Angry all the time - unable to be nice when she noticed there was no way to be the boss anymore.
Spot on!
I Dont. I X'd out most of Narc/Enabler Family last year so Peace be with me.
1) is one thing that keeps coming up that I can't understand at all. Why do you want a creep to talk to you. The less personal contact you can achieve with someone who wants to control you the better. Atleast that's how I do it.
Best way I’ve found to detect a narcissist in the early stages is to notice EXTREME judgment of others (exes, friends, relatives, random people, etc.). A narcissist lacks empathy and is never trying to understand another person’s viewpoint so they will spend most of their time sitting back and being hypercritical of everyone. This is the #1 way to detect a narcissist before they begin nitpicking you too.
Spot on.
Also, with the judgement, there is NO recognition of their own ability to DO things in reality. They are forever 500% passive and receiving reality like a newborn dumped into the garbage bin of the world without any warning.
It is ALWAYS "someone did something", it is NEVER that they did something and then someone did something about that in return. They are always disabling themselves out of existence/responsibility.
Uni-dimensional is the universal middle name of a narcissicist.
@@nachannachle2706 They tell you that you don't control them but at the same time blame you for their behavior and even still refuse to acknowledge their bad behavior....WTF?!?! They're bullies too.
This hit deep! I'm in the process of leaving my narcissist husband of 2 years. I saw the signs and thought he would never treat me the way he treated those people! Now here I am planning my route of escape and I'm sorry for the next person who falls prey to this beast!
I know a pimp who is a narcissist....he'd always bash the girls to me and all those who care to hear that they're prostitutes and they had no excuse for using their bodies for money,then, he'll still be the same person hooking them up with guys for sex for money..... just imagine!!!
@@nachannachle2706 the victim mentality
They hate when you respect yourself and they hate when you create healthy boundaries! They are such miserable individuals, selfish, and ugly souls!
Leslie Gore's song, "You don's own me" is perfect!
Narcissists literally cause brain damage and/or a physical reaction to their abuse in your body including, but not limited to, auto immune disease and even cancer. I’m an INFJ personality with empathy as my strongest trait and these monsters almost killed me. Been no contact and worked on me via self love boundaries/codependent class. Learned to love me again and that I am enough. Thriving after abuse is possible. Thank you as your CZcamss helped me understand and heal from this abuse. Education is key! Much appreciation.
I was an INFJ. and I was turned into that monster.
thanks life.
Spot on! I am an infj as well. I have auto immune issues, and am now dealing with inflammatory breast cancer. What you are saying is no exaggeration at all-
Omg yes with the auto immune stuff! Especially if you’re an empath. I am mostly no contact with a NPD mother and recently came into narc abuse with an in law. Daily last 6 months. What do you know, joint pain, psoriasis flaring... one more week of avoidance of this person to endure, but after that I’ll be home safe again.
INFJ myself we are magnets 🧲 for these devils because we have empathy and very kind loving givers and the salt off the earth. Sickness and death is all they are.
I am also INFJ/INFP and I now have inflammatory issues n some brain damage...I’m very sad that even w all my kindness, trusting nature n compassion I was exploited, stalked, harassed, medically injured, gaslighted then institutionalized n made fun of during n after my injury.....society n even the law it seems enable these creeps....meanwhile I have no recourse, compensation or closure n still haven’t been able to tell anyone.
My wife was all of those things. One day, when I realised what was going on, I just stopped responding. She'd scream and rant and rage all day, from the moment she woke up till the moment she went to sleep. Screaming right in my face, physically attacking me. I just passively looked at her and felt nothing but pity. After a year she finally got the hint, she could no longer control me, and left.
She took the kids, most of the furniture, 65% of the house worth, and I'm still paying child support. But it was the happiest day of my life!
I sat on my milkcrate, cracked a coldie, and let out a long, long, happy sigh of relief. Totally worth it! :)
Beautiful.
Damn..I'm so sorry you had to endure that but happy to hear you're free and living it up! My mother did a similar thing to me after I graduated nursing school when I came back home from out of state. She ghosted me while I was in school so hadn't seen me in awhile. During that time, I started practicing meditation and yoga and I think she felt a shift in me as my friends told me I'm a lot calmer. This apparently bothered her and one day, she just randomly got in my face and said if she could turn back time, she wouldn't have kids. In the past when she said this, it bothered me. This time, I had no reaction. I shrugged it off and she then started screeching it and repeating it staring at me waiting for a reaction from me. She got none. It was like the devil in her took over..shit was crazy. Staying calm really is your superpower. I agree with your last statement, definitely worth it!
I'm not trying to play the victim. I'm just warning other guys about psyhco chicks. I tried suggesting she should seek therapy, and probably drugs. But that just made her scream all the more. Our kids are the real victims.
We were rich. But she got bored. So she buggered off and made all of us poor. I said it straight. We're rich. If you leave you'll make us all poor.
@@2rific_2 They're fine. They're smart. By being the kind and reasonable parent they know the difference.
Good for you!
Last October I walked (ran, actually) away from my 4-yrear marriage. It was absolutely the right call. I encourage any spouse of a narcissist to just get out. Do whatever it takes, but get out and away. It isn't easy, I know, when you love someone. You have a life to lead and living with one of them is no life.
I saw my parents after 15 years when my Grandmother died. My mother ignored me and my father tried to control me by placing blame on me and throwing digs at the way I live. He tried to make me feel insecure so he could take back control. Comments such as "you like living by yourself?" Made me realize how pathetic and unintelligent he is. My 40 year old sister lives at home. They have done so much damage that she actually acts like a 12 year old. I am so happy I left to create my own life and make my own decisions. Thank you for these insightful videos. ❤️
I hear myself saying "I'm not your puppet." Then they leave and look for some one else they can control.
Exactly how I feel
@violin614 As an INFP personality I like deep intimate conversations. "Small talk" seems shallow to me, so I wonder if it is more common in narcissists?
What do you think?
@violin614 Exactly how my x complained about her many, many x's!
good for you, goo job.
@@carefulcarpenter I think it goes both ways
... sometime people engage in a lot of emotional oversharing to manipulate the other person and develop an emotional dependance and other times they are incapable of anything but small talk, but I don't think either is particularly narcisistic behavoir. If the feeling that the interaction is shallow and self serving, that is what is narcissistic.
I had been married to a covert more than 25 years. The day she admitted to my face that she tried to manipulate me, and that she made me the bad guy to our kids, basically weaponized them against me I started to put up barriers to protect myself. She thought I was trying to punish her with the barriers, when in reality I was saving myself. After removing my supply from her for a lengthy amount of time she discarded me. I used to feel angry about that, because in a certain sense it felt like she had won, but as I get further away from that moment I realized I had won, because her discarding me was confirmation that she knew she had no further control over me. I was free of the monster.
Definitely
me too. Amen
WOW! 25 years, congratulations on getting past it. I imagine you had to do a lot of work with a therapist in order to get where you are today.
I’m glad you came to reframe her discard, you definitely had a win there. 16 years for me, he weaponised friends and family and neighbours. His own sister turned his children against him while he was in his final years. We didn’t have children together as we were older. My sister also weaponised her children against me. I think I can recognise the tell tale signs more easily now but I struggle with trust issues when meeting new people. Coverts are pretty good at what they do, stay strong, all the best to you.
Brilliant
The realization that when we have a narcissist in our lives and we do have the right to let them know that we will not accept their abuses, while still maintaining our dignity and self-respect and yet not ignoring their abuses, is so absolutely necessary and helpful to hear.
I was told "You will pay." Then the shaming started, the screaming in my face, the turning my family against me, the bullying.
Sameeeeee, also “I’ll remember this” or my most hated one “Now you’re gonna have to listen to me” one thing not talked about enough (or maybe was just my experience) is that is how these people TALK ALOT, like word vomit even more so if their mad either to you or with something else, I feel like they really like to hear themselves talk and more so when is passionately (which is usually when they’re angry), to this day people that talk to much are incredibly off putting to me, I find people that carefully choose their words and speak very little more appealing, smart, and trustworthy.
I say, "Not today, Karen," and walk away. No one disrespects me like that.
When I initially told my narc junkie brother to take a hike, it was after I'd blocked his ass on social media, phone, text and he beat me to email. He was going absolutely nuts saying shit like unblock my number. Next email..you better ring me right now or I'll attend child protection and police. said nope. He went absolutely batshit mental and was writing....you're gonna pay big time, watch this. After that he did call child protection, called the power company to try have my power switched of at street level and then emailed me saying I had no right to have power connection and was then gonna come over to remove my water meter. the water company rang him and said if you touch or remove OUR water meter we will personally prosocute you. This crap went on a few mths till finally I was in hospital having surgery, he brings his partner and my next door neighbour into my home (they literally broke in though a security and wooden door,,,)
They convinced attending police it www really their house and the police demanded my house keys from another neighbour and gave them the keys..
They gained access to my car in the shed and used it to steal 3/4 of my possessions including the car. they killed my child's cat. They denied me access to my own medicine including insulin. They ripped up every plant in my yard. Posted menacing posters all over the exterior of my home that I own outright and during this, police banned me and my child access to OUR home so we were then left to walk the streets all weekend following surgery.
Police finally discover their fuck up ...they didn't do a thing. I get home and there's even padlocks preventing me access and he still had my keys
For the next six weeks I had to place wardrobes against the front door as it couldn't be secured and a locksmith and handyman finally come out (I love in a remote area so they had to come 150km each way)
A week later a gardener came out to mow the lawns and discovered all the washing I had on the clothesline in the rainwater tank. With the pegs still attached.
The avo hearings omg....
There's a crapload more i can wrote about this all day..but this is exactly what you get just from blocking them and cutting them out of your life...say no they go absolutely mental.
@@rebeccapurdon3531 he sounds demonically possessed. If you can leave town and change identity, I would if I were you. This type of psychopath would not even stop here. Your life may be in danger. My friend has a junkie sister and she has tried to break into her house and also threatened to kill her. All drugs opens you up to the demonic realm. The only thing that will help your brother is divine intervention. You need to make sure you and your child is safe though and then don't look back.
They usually dump those they cannot control. Or else they become more abusive. That's my best guess.
You are 100% correct. Say no once, and the temper tantrums and threats will follow.
They become more abusive in my experience. They get dirtier and dirtier in their tricks to control you.
You are all correct
They either try to destroy you, or they will try to dismiss you like you are nothing more than a passing breeze in their life. Even if you've spent years bonding together, once you won't do things their way they get bored and decide you aren't as fun to keep around.
👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
My freedom came when I stopped caring what the narc thought, what he said, what he did and reduced it all to the status of irrelevance to my life and my goals. No more drama, no more stress, focusing on living and winning in life.
Amen.
Good for you
I agree, I just don't care anymore.
This is a beautiful relief, however it was a very long road.
Absolutely!!
Yep!
My grandmother was a narcissist, and she controlled my mother pretty much her entire life; she was a huge factor in my parents' divorce. i refused to let her control me, and that baffled and infuriated her. She couldn't figure out why she couldn't control her granddaughter the way she controlled her daughter, and it didn't bode well for me. But i survived her, and i've been extra careful to never do those things to anyone.
Just went thru all of this with my 66 year old Dad. Didn't talk to him for years then reconnected because I have a serious illness. He was in his best behavior initially. It only took 3 days for him to go right back to behaving in the ways that caused me to cut contact with him years ago. They can't change even if they wanted to.
I was in a 6 years relationship. She was extremely arrogant and controlling. I did not suspect it was due to narcissism. We got into a very heated argument and I told her you will not break me like I am some wild horse! She looked me dead in my eyes and told me: “Well maybe you should not Be here then!” When someone shows you who they are you believe them the first time.
Absolutely
You nail it, "believe in them the first time".
I told my ex she wasn't strong enough to break me...ex.
My Narcissistic ex as of today..told me I have a heart of steel....and I said why don't u stop trying to Break it...
My ex n I had the same argument. He said 'it's your fault you're here'.
"you have to steal your freedom" that's what my life used to be with the narcissist - no more
Good woman
@@seamusmcmanus3089 :)
Exactly me right now
@@allthingscoolchick3888 I'm so sorry to hear that :( .....sending you lots of strength and light
Steal your freedom, are very well said!
I'm so glad I found this video and that I realise exactly what I'm dealing with now. No one should be controlled and and manipulated like this. Always remember you have options and there are ways out of abusive relationships.
better to check yourself before you wreck urself
@@2okaycola my favorite quote lol
Cut them off, never go back. When they pull the sympathy card, they're lying.
My narcissistic elder sister and I have a brother diagnosed with schizophrenia. My sister LOVED to imply that I was crazy, which was exceptionally cruel because of our brother's condition. I had a front row seat to some of his most terrifying psychotic episodes and, as a young teen, I was worried I could end up like him. She's even gone so far as to say, "Even you're schizophrenic brother thinks you're crazy!" As if that makes him a mental health expert I guess. She would always claim that others, if not EVERYONE, agreed with her unflattering opinions of me. Early on I asked a counsellor if there's was anything wrong with me and they just thought I was severely stressed. I've been limiting contact with her for a long time but, for over a decade now, I've gone strictly no contact and I'm feeling vastly less stressed. She still lurks about, however, trying to get information about me from unsuspecting persons in our mutual circle.
My sister is like that
Appalling things to say, I'm sorry. Glad you got out. Be careful what you tell the flying monkeys too. Well done.
Just wrong and so sad how much destruction one Narcissist can cause. Only evil can be responsible.
Best wisdom Cat, 🙏 admissions overcome denial. We're generally either cast in hell or trying to escape from it.
Even evil has a touch of permeation in either transition 😉
Hell is made by the goodness we are deprived from or if in fact choose to deny...
It is understandable, totally, to see the narc as evil. Just one point, as you get over it, please remember they are really just troubled people.
It is sad the damage narcissists do. Sometimes I feel it is a genetic flaw. My husbands mother & father are narc's, his sister is a textbook narc & my husband is a narc. I did not know this going into our marraige.
Yes, they are people but of a very different sort that in my situation made it dangerous to allow myself to feel any empathy toward--my natural, human ability to feel empathy was exactly what the narcissist used to try to destroy me. I no longer care why he is the way he is. Stories of his own abuse growing up may or may not even be true. No Contact--get away. And yes, they are hideous people.
There's a scientific explanation. It's caused by a genetic predisposition to getting it and an upbringing of abuse or neglect. The person has to have both. So, someone could be born predisposed to it but have a lovely upbringing and they would not develop the disorder. Abuse and neglect changes the structure of the brain. In the past, people were hung for being evil witches - when all they had was epilepsy. It's common to label things that we don't understand as evil. And wow, is narcissism hard to understand!
In other words - the narcissist becomes a bully
Actually, the narcissist was always the bully.
They don't become a bully they already are. They just perfect their CRAFT their whole life. The bible, God, calls it SORCERY!! and Revelation says they NEVER repent from their sorceries!! Run and never look back if possible.
@@noneyourbusiness7311 My narcissist was beating his rosary beads calling his 'best friend' a demon - an even bigger narcissist. Demonic bullies. They revel in it and have no remorse. His 'best friend' bragged of eight abortions - in other words, she conceived children for the purpose of murdering them. Not only a murderer, but a coward, murdering babies. Horror show.
The narcissist is always a bully
My problem was that not all bullies are Narcissists. I have eight siblings who so emeshed that it was hard to tell who was,, what.
This is great material. Is it just me, or does it often happen that the narcissist creates such chaos in one’s life that the manipulated party becomes controlling in order to defend themselves and to show a form of strength but they still feel stuck or trapped and haven’t quite figured out how to remove themselves from the situation? I’m literally crying as I type this. But this was my experience before I left my husband, I was slowly becoming him in order to have him feel pain or to make him see effects of his actions. I felt if he wants to give me the BOULDERS to have to forgive, let’s see how well he can just “let it go!” (As he would tell me) Then I realized this is an impossible feat because he got JOY out of punishing me with more silent treatments, cheating, and passive aggressive behaviors. It was a losing battle and I had to go before I completely lost myself! Also, this narc constantly tried to show how “humble” he could be just to make me think I’m crazy to view him as a self absorbed, heartless, calculative individual. So he’d say, “I know I’ve done wrong but hey NOBODY’s perfect and you aren’t without sin, stop acting like you are God to point out my sins like you do no wrong!” I used to allow that to make me bite the bullet and not point out his lies so often because he just twisted it. Then I would lie about something only to later tell the truth and he would claim to be so crushed. 😲 The difference was I ALWAYS had to be detective to find out he lied, and I always told him my truth shortly after lying. I couldn’t sleep on a lie the way he is able to. I never want to be provoked into THAT kind of person again in order to feel power. I HAD TO GOOOOOO!!! He is a cruel soul!
Absolutely! I remember if someone is willing to gossip behind everyone in their lives, what are they saying behind our backs? Bingo! It can't be anything good! Beware!
Final straw for me; when I was sick and couldn’t go to a concert with him (he still went without me, never called once to check on me)rest of the weekend he treated me like I didn’t exist! I had to get up out of bed drive get food for myself etc oh I brought food home for our teen who txted and asked me to bring food, the narc got pissed and said thanks for being so attentive to my needs 😑 lol 😂 I definitely don’t want to grow old with someone who wants me to take care of them but won’t do the same for me!!
We must be strong and move on!!
My ex was the same way. Wanted to be catered to but didn't do sh*t for me
They target nice people.
Focus on being a good person but not a nice person. Nice makes you weak and harmless. This allows you to be controlled.
When I was going through my divorce and my exhusband became even more verbally abusive, I told him "please keep talking and reminding me exactly why I'm divorcing you. Go ahead...keep going." He shut up real quick. He was dumbfounded.
LOL....
Hmm that's a good one, I need to try that!
Perfect! Touché. 😊
Beautiful perfect good for you
SAME. 👍🏻
The gifts keep on coming after no contact. No regrets. No more gaslighting, manipulation or abuse.
Thank you Dr. Carter for leading us to a better life!
Even though I pulled the rug out from under my narcissistic former friend, who treated me like I was the light of her life because I had a resource that she coveted and wanted, she never once sucked up to me or tried to buy back my attention through gifts and love bombing. I found out through a mutual friend (whom I was fortunate enough to wake up to her toxicity), that her smear campaign went from 0 to 100 literally overnight once she realized that I had blocked her on all my social media and changed my cell phone number. The funny thing is, I didn't do all that in one day. I had literally went zero contact with her about four months earlier before she found out. It was totally typical of her never to contact me unless you wanted something or needed that fix of attention or needed to complain about something. You get the idea. In this case it was to inform me of the death of a mutual acquaintance. This person had presented a job opportunity to my now former friend. With his passing, the job opportunity was left in limbo.
Because she couldn't contact me directly, she showed how deeply unhinged she is and tracked down my widow mothers phone number. She called up and left a voicemail and that was how I found out about our mutual acquaintance's passing. I told my mom to delete the voicemail. My former friend tried to call a second time and mom answered. A little fact about my mom: she's a German Jew native New Yorker with a very big mouth. She takes absolutely no crap and makes Judge Judy seem like a cream puff by comparison.
My mom was aghast that my former friend turned someone else's death into a story about herself. She rattled on about how the job opportunity was gone and she needed the money, etc etc. My mom let her have it: “The man died. Does that mean anything to you you selfish f*cking c*nt?“
According to Mom, that stopped my former friend dead in her tracks. She stuttered and spluttered then asked my mom to have me call her back. Mom got her again: “He blocked you on everything for a reasons that are already well known to you. F*ck. Off.“
Mom said when she delivered that rebuke, my former friend, a then 50 something mother and grandmother, wailed like a toddler having a tantrum.
I never heard from her again. When my mutual friend and I reconnected a couple years later, he informed me that she bombarded him trying to get him to spy on me to see if it was talking about her. He simply told her that she wasn't as interesting as she thought she was. That made her flip out on him too. Thus the beginning of his eyes opening to her toxicity
Yes...lol the gifts! Conditional!
yes i am five weeks out does it get better
Yes!!
Even without those phrases “you have to, you must, you need to” the conversation can still take on an air of manipulation/control, ESPECIALLY FOR ONE WHO IS PRONE TO CODEPENDENCY TO THE POINT OF ACCIDENTALLY/INADVERTENTLY ATTRACTING IT. And it’s not difficult to attract it in today’s world… People like that are absolutely everywhere. I think becoming a master boundary boss is the only way to avoid it, and that takes time, and practice. Practice that will likely be time and energy consuming. Loved this video. It was very comforting… stabilizing.
It’s good to know that someone knows exactly what your experiencing and that it’s not all in your mind.
Yes
Dont let them narcissists make u start questioning your sanity..🥴
They will gaslight you even when you figure them out. They can't comprehend. The have a system shutdown on humanity. They are like robots in that department.
This is why they try to isolate you from your friends. To limit your universe to one they control.
Once they have you too ashamed or too afraid to interact with other people, they become your only source of human contact. You become increasingly dependent upon them and they gain increasingly unhealthy levels of control over you until your confusion becomes paranoia and your reality becomes delusion.
Spend too much time with a spider and you'll eventually find yourself wrapped up, paralyzed, and tucked away in their larder.
Yeah they are good manipulators they even manage to make you feel guilty it’s crazy..
The narcissist acts like they’re the rational one but in reality it’s the opposite. Their wiring is all messed up and they can’t not be in control or be wrong or be weak. They just insist they’re always right as they know best. It’s beyond frustrating because they refuse to compromise or not be in control.
So true. I've found that this is really difficult when they've latched onto some kind of another authority figure too. Usually narcissists (control freaks) are the boss's best friend in work situations, so if they realize they can't manipulate and control you, they can easily start creating an alternate reality for the boss where everything that goes wrong is suddenly YOUR fault. Weak bosses tend to attract narcissists and never figure out the source of the problem.
However, once you refuse to do their bidding/cave in to their shaming tactics/comply with their demands and let them head for disaster, guess who is going to grovel at your feet.
@@Liz-wz8dh weak bosses and bosses who let the N be boss . you'll figure it out within 3 months 😎
You are right they NEVER admit they are wrong, they think they know everything n control everything . I know one who is 100% like that. He always accuse victims after he hurts them.
Spot on. You just described my father
About 1 /12 year ago I moved back to GA when my youngest daughter was having her second child. Over the years she has made condescending remarks to me randomly. I never knew what her issue was. Then she got married and became very controlling and mean to me. The last time she got mad a me over nothing, she informed me "she was DONE with me". Then I got angry and told her she has to stop controlling me. I finally found out her issue: Narcissism. The out come of telling her not to control me is punishment and no contact for 1 1/2 years and I am unable to see my 2 and 10 year old grandsons.
"You've changed. You're really different..."
Maybe, but I think that's a good thing.
Take it as a compliment.
@@SurvivingNarcissism Absolutely. A "coming out from under" type of celebration of me, even if it doesn't meet certain people's approval.