Not that it's boring... people just consider it basic, but to relate basic flavor of ice cream to shame someone for not being a nympho is foolish to me.
This is everywhere. Not even just sex. "You don't use social media???" "You don't drink/smoke???" Just being somebody who likes to keep things simple and "clean" is frowned upon.
Oh I agree. Ive been frown upon for not wanting to go to pubs and drink to the point i am dead wasted and dont know nect day how i got home. I prefer to stay at home listen to music and read a book while having my cup of coffee. 😂😂 people these days will find problem with everything honestly 😂
That’s facts people are incredibly caught up in social media/partying all the time. Don’t get me wrong I love to party and have a great time but as far as social media goes…. It is NOT real 😂🤣 Instagram, Snapchat, tik tok all these platforms give us the most false sense of reality and it’s sets us up to feel disappointed with what real life is actually like. Simple is better always and social media is the textbook definition excessive. You could compare social media to pornography - it’s not anywhere close to what things are like in real life and consuming too much of it will make any person go insane.
The ones I had to deal with as a young adult that made me feel like my life was boring, "you've never even been on a date or had your first kiss?" "you've never had a boyfriend?"
sex with someone you're really into will never be vanilla. since hook up culture is so prominent these days, a lot of ppl are having sex with ppl they don't care about, so they gotta do extra things to make up for the lack of chemistry and comfort. and p*rn. that industry certainly didn't help anyone with intimacy.
Yeah to me sex without any real emotional connection or investment is ultimately hollow and meaningless. I've never understood this hookup culture, and I've gotten plenty of shit for not wanting to fuck a different woman each day.
The other thing I don't like, within the same realm, is the pressure to be good or well rounded in sex. I had a parter who felt because she didn't have experiences she was awful. She thinks she is bad at everything because of lack of experience. I always told her we just keep learning together. The more it happens the more we learn. I would never jump into a relationship expecting a top tier sexual partner. It takes time and learning one another. More time you put into it, the better it gets. Love that deep intimate growth.
That was super sweet, thank you for sharing. I find that I oftentimes worry so much about how the other person is going to feel or think because of this that it kind of frightens me from having an experience at all...
The problem truly is that cex shouldn't be "a thing" that we measure and try to broadcast to the word. It shouldn't be "cex'," it should be physical intimacy with one spouse. Broadcasting it to the world literally destroys the intimacy, the spiritual aspect, and makes it this vain, material pursuit of coolness, status and popularity. Your measurements liek "top tier cexxual partner" are creepy and vain. You still don't get it either.
Probably helps that you being the male having more experience, because women aren't probably going to be as forgiving in general to men w. little experience.
@@taurusteelpan A little more experience than her? Sure. But I have only been with 6 people within my 30 some years and I am getting married now. I have always disagreed with sleep around culture. I always wanted a relationship before jumping into it.
As a girl , I can say it's FRIGHTENING what misinformation guys are learning from 🌽.(How to communicate , what is "normal", what usually causes pain, etc.) GUYS: do you want to slurp up bodily fluids? You see girls do it because there's a demand to see it. Same with most🌽
My first boyfriend was a “vanilla shamer”. I was 17, he was 20 (we’re in the uk) and he’d tell me that being vanilla is childish and that most couples are kinky and engage in bdsm, are in open relationships, etc. His friends were all his age and above and would always talk about s3ggs and the things they’d do with their partners like how one would talk about football and would joke about how he’d usually have broken up with a girl like me by now for being so boring. Well, my first time with him (and all other times) was rough, he’d do things without asking, no safe word, an thought my crying was “hot”. Even I knew this wasn’t right, but thought that no one would date me if I couldn’t get used to this. I decided that I’d rather be abstinent than pretend that I find getting slapped in the face seggsy and left him. Took me a long time to heal physically and emotionally from that relationship, but definitely made me realise that it’s ok to not like certain things and to not likely others convince you otherwise. Anyone who loses feelings because you don’t enjoy being tied up is a selfish child
As someone who describes themselves as vanilla and also having 0 experience (plus the addition of performance anxiety) This was great to hear and actually makes me feel a bit better about myself.
I just get shamed because I, as a man of 23, haven't gotten any yet. I haven't been in the right mental space since I was 16 (and I got help December 2019, but Covid threw a wrench in those plans), but I have started the psychologist trips back up. The problem is my parents never showed me what love or friendships even looked like, so I am trying to discover it on my own. Sadly I wasted most of my time in college focussing on studies until I broke down completely. I am on the upswing though. Finishing my degree this summer (only had to do my final project) and then it is time to work, get some money and become independent from my parents. I am unable to love myself (for the 6 years), but I am going to make it work in the future. If someone who is willing to take it slow with me comes along, that would be neat! If not, well... that is too bad, but I will have a sister and her kids I will be the cool uncle for and my life won't be a complete waste after all. I just want to feel good about myself again. Good enough that I feel like I matter enough for someone else to give a damn about me.
Me getting flashbacks from getting ignored by my group of friends for: - Not smoking when they got into it - Not doing drugs when they got into it - Not Drinking when they got into it - Not being a D*ck when they got into it - Not "Actin wild" when they got into it - Not Mindlessly agreeing with them when they got into it - Not Being picky when they got into it And more.
Brother I think it for your sake it would be better to find friends that have values that are closer to yours. Kudos to you for withstanding peer pressure. Some, if not the majority, of my friends smoke weed, but I never picked up the habit nor have ever been high in my 23 years despite all the offers. The difference is they don't treat me any different for it, and just accept that it's something I don't do.
When we get older we tend to filter out the people that don’t align with our lives we live. You’ll see that you only then have a few friends that are amazing souls to be around the rest where just moments to look back at.
When I was a student, had a girl tell me I was "so vanilla" just because I think polyamory is a pile of bullshit. Trick is: I'm much more freaky than her. She still tried to shame me on being "vanilla" because I don't accept polyamory as equal to exclusive relationships Some people are just that dense
Poly relationships just seem high maintenance. I mean making it work with one person is already hard enough but adding another to the mix is just a lot. Also just the boundary setting is hard.
The worst is when people make their kinks their entire personality. These people are never that interesting to me and rather annoying because they get so hell bent on trying to convince you that A) you're missing out and B) they are clearly freer/sexier/more progressive than the majority. I agree with Aba that this is yet another path to specialness for those who needing attention
This is so true, they try and shame everyone else claiming they are the king/queen of kink when really they are no different to majority of sexual partners. Just a little more dirty
Had a friend who got into bdsm and stuff and that was all she wanted to talk about. And when I told her how disconnected I felt with her since then we cut off contact. I now realize she needed someone to be her cheerleader
2:23 "its trendy now to have a weird kink and they think that makes them interesting" one of the most accurate sentences said in history, what a time to be alive
You can blame the rainbow squad for this, where a foundational aspect of their culture is kink. They literally host parades to display kink to other adults and kids.
@@sevionus80 It's no longer about freedom, but conversion. The movement was hijacked and everybody suffers for it. The same way that any straight girl is repeating the Yass queen. That's cultural appropriation and they don't care unless someone does it to them. So many people take one aspect of life and think it makes a whole identity.
That and sucking toes. I'm literally getting pissed off by people talking about "You're too vanilla". Like...im not even doing it with these people and yet they have so much to say. People are so caught up in lust that they have very extreme or weird standards and are trying to make it sound normal. A friend(a girl) said her quickies last an hour and she thought it was weird when my other friend and I said a quickie shouldn't even be longer than 15 mins MAX. Most times 10 or less.
So true. A lot of people don't even know about all the erogenous zones on the body. Alternating between them and touching multiple areas at once is pretty crucial for a lot of women. Agree with the mental side too. Women need mental relaxation and a sense of comfort to achieve O. Aftercare is such an overlooked thing these days too from both sides. Corn is rotting people's brains. Stop performing for your partner and instead prioritise connection and you'll be miles ahead of most.
My buddy and I were out over the weekend grabbing drinks and ran into this issue. My friend has been with his girlfriend for about 1.5 years, but one girl in a group we befriended was into him. She made her interest known and shot her shot, but when my buddy explained his relationship status several people in the girl's friend group were actively appalled by the thought of a monogamous relationship. They literally laughed about it and talked as if it were weird to be in a committed relationship with one person. Shit is so backwards these days.
No sooo true , it’s like every guy I come across he a girl /wife and looking for a side or a third . It’s so weird relationships aren’t valued at all these days . I thing it’s becoming a trend of being in a poly relationship and having wild kinks . It’s just not my speed .
Most likely those women WANT a monogamous relationship but can't have one. Either being their fault or the other not wanting them. And so they settle for what they get and make fun of what they want but can't have.
Shit is this why I'd still get weird DMs? I've been with my man 5 years in May. Even married, I'd still get people hitting on me online. Some asking for nudes. Etc. And I have my wedding photos pinned. I was just like...do people really not respect monogamy anymore? Do people really think adultery doesn't ruin lives? I guess that's the world now huh
As I get older I learn to appreciate the vanilla things in life. This has gave me more emotional control and lasting happiness. Age seems to show me that the constant search for more and more will never bring happiness and was good in past to help me strive to grow in many ways but being grateful for small vanilla things will allow you to be happy in good times and bad times.
My ex always bagged on me and told me I was "vanilla," and she would constantly ask me/try to gaslight/pressure me in to doing things that she KNEW I didn't want to do. To her, my boundaries were not important. Shoulda seen that red flag and peaced right away
@Dominant B*tch so you condone gaslighting your partner into doing things, making them feel bad and belittling them if they said they didn't want to do it? Good to know
Western Society is based around personal space. It's a very cold blooded way to live, when everything has to be so formal and weird. Look at the consent "rules". No couple actually formally requests consent in such a bloodless inhuman way.
I love Vanilla,it involves a man and a woman {or whoever you choose} wanting to enjoy and please each other. It's kissing,hugging,eye contact,language and all the lovely art of intimacy that people are avoiding because they think having kinks makes them better somehow. Any kinks I developed were within a relationship and when the relationships finished I left them at the door. Not everyone is going to repeat a kink within all their relationships. And nor should they if they don't want to. The BDSM stuff creeping into the mainstream is disconcerting to me.
If you don't conform, you are shamed. Imagine the "weird" kids telling you you're too weird 😂 imagine someone who treats themselves as the community pocket-pvssy trynna shame you for not being desperate for attention like that 😂 idk people are lame, if they're miserable their words mean jackshit
As soon as I started hearing people were shaming other people because they don't engage in non-kinky sex, I realized that p*rn has rotted so many people's brains, it's a sobering thought.
As a woman, I support this message. You can check off every box, but if you don't allow your mind to relax & let go in the moment, you won't have as great of an experience.
True. The man you are being intimate with plays a large role in helping you to relax your mind, make you comfortable. Unfortunately it seems like the bulk of men, especially now, only give a crap about getting themselves off. Probably from watching so much porn, it gives them the way wrong idea about what sex is supposed to be/what a woman actually enjoys. The majority of porn, if you look at the woman's face, you can tell she is not enjoying it, but men see that and it trains them to think that is how a woman looks when she enjoys it and it teaches them to just focus on them getting off. I really appreciate aba and preach setting a great example of how to actually be a man and a caring partner.
I would also add that if you can't communicate with your partner about what feels good and doesn't, where or how to touch you, you aren't going to achieve O. Your experience isn't going to be the best. Women don't be afraid to speak up or show your partner what you want.
Plus only a woman knows her body.... What made my ex cum in 20 seconds can do absolutely zero for the next ... Just because a man isn't amazing on the first night don't make him bad in bed XD
I think it's part of why I sometimes have better sex with cannabis. Turn off all those thinky thoughts that take me out of the present moment. I was kinda amazed how much it can impact things when your mind is just fully present
What's ironic in this comment is that you're railing against shaming whilst at the same time shaming people who are into kink by implying that they're not normal. Implying that not being into kink is "normal". Kink is actually quite common, perhaps equally as common as what would be called "vanilla", as far as kink or no kink goes, both are "normal".
@@Crimson_Loki What’s actually ironic is your statement, there comment was about being shamed for being Normal not kinky. Also where in his statement was he kink shaming?
Almost a week ago I spent the first time with a woman (my gf) and when I tell you that sex is not what it's like in porn. The intimacy and the feeling of touching each other and exploring each other's bodies for the first time ever was an experience I'll always value and appreciate. All these people saying vanilla is lame are just hoes and or tryhards.
What I hear when people say I’m boring for liking vanilla stuff is really just “I’ve had so much meaningless sex that I can’t even enjoy it anymore without some kind of twist or kink attached” It’s less a kind of shaming to me and more just a self-own, like, I wouldn’t wanna sleep with you anyway, you probably got something 😂
I mean, you’re being as bad as them when you automatically assume they got something or sleep around lots because they have a kink. I’m not into whips or choking and stuff but I will eat a booty hole. Though I consider that less of a kink and more good manners. I do not, however enjoy having my own add eaten. I am a dude and it’s a jungle down there
Tbh if you need to do kinky stuff most or all the time to want to have sex or get off you probably don't like sex that much or there's an issue there (no hate to them).
Honestly, when you’re with someone that cares about you, you really don’t have to do a whole lot. I think it’s the little things that really enhance the experience.
For real, you're revealing your vulnerable self and so are they. If you're supportive of each other, it makes the experience better as you don't turn yourself or your partner off because of worrying over your performance AND not being supported with love.
Communication is key. My wife be having me feel like Superman because she tells me how she likes it. Vanilla shaming just sounds like they have a mediocre sex life.
Something I found really funny is that a lot of those same people that shame others for being vanilla are actually biggg posers. Talking about "I'm a dom I can't fwu unless you're submissive" but when it comes down to it either they don't know what they're doing or they just saying that because they want to be manipulative
A highschool buddy of mine would allways brag about how great he was in bed. He confessed to me he was avaradge at best. As he put it; "They'll try me on once or twice and get disappointed, but by then I'm already on my way to the next one so wtf do I care"😆
Thank you for this video, I never been shamed for being a vanilla women but I been told by men that I should be sleeping around and lose my virginity already. All I want is a healthy relationship not the emptiness that comes from situationships or casual sex.
Good. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise. The men that say it just want an easy lay, and the woman that say it just want others to be miserable with the same trauma.
Honestly, I think making love is much deeper than sex. It's a bond where you have a greater emotional attachment with someone. Sex sometimes feels more akin to relieving an urge. Both have their place, but when you've been with someone through thick and thin and lived a harder life together, spending time being intimate and focusing on the emotion of intimacy and unabashed love seems to touch the soul.
My ex is bi, worked at a sex shop, had tons of piercings in intimate places, and was always posting super sexual photos on her social media. She was the most boring person ever, sexually and personality-wise. Our sex life was OKAY, at best. She liked the attention acting sexual or, “non-vanilla,” got her. EDIT: that wasn’t meant to talk shit on bi people. I bring it up because she would play that aspect up to come across as something she wasn’t sexually. Please don’t hate on people for their sexuality, good lord.
Actually a lot of women that try hard to not be vanilla treat it like make up. They think just because they pierced two, three things it's suddenly kinky, when kinky stuff is pretty much always done in form of action and not the looking part. It's like they'd wear a choker but not want to get tied, put a small piercing but not want to get pulled hard by it etc. It really all just screams ''LOOK at me, I'm quirky''. Sorry hun, but light choking is not kinky, it's called rough sex. You want kinky, you start drinking piss and things like that.
@@zakiaitslimane658 I didn’t know what to expect actually. Never dated a bi chick. She actively pursued me and I got one month, ONE MONTH, of a honeymoon phase until all her drama came to light. Lol. Live and learn.
@@Fafafohi bruh thats why you should have standards you might be older im 19 and i know..... You said it yourself you didnt know what to expect i mean cmon As a guy you must have self esteem and standards so that when a girl comes and shows you interest you dont rush in a relationship with her just because SHE was opened to the idea it concerns you too you should see if she matches your standards to see if shes relationship material or not Bi women are a red flag and you had to experience it and waste time and energy to learn the hard way
As a bi man, there is a whole can of worms that I wont bore you with concerning how bi people are portrayed in society that might cause a bi person to act up like they are some seasoned pro, when they are just normal.
I feel like men and women also forget that there needs to be a solid base of safety and intimacy in order to start experimenting. It's way too easy to cross your own and someone else's boundaries when you don't even know how to read the basic signs of pleasure, comfort and safety.
People are so desensitized to sex and hook up culture these days that forming an actual relationship, wanting to learn about an individual, and being with that individual will not be vanilla.
That's so crazy to think being a relatively normal human being instead of treating each other like sexual bags of meat that can be bought for the right 'price' will be commonplace if we continue down the path we are going.
@@Thr33Sh33ts what you are saying is true. I'm engaged now, soon to be married, and I pity my friends who are still single. Technology has almost ruined dating for many people my age.
What? That's completely different. Shaming others because they're not into the same stuff you are and not wanting a sexual intimate relationship with someone that's not into the same stuff as you are two completely different things. One is a preference, the other is being judgmental.
I've been vanilla shamed by some girls I know. At first, I was bothered by it, but I had to stop and realize that that is something to take reverence in... the fact that in a sexually lewd society filled with lasciviousness, being called _"vanilla,"_ or normal, is a good thing.
everytime I tell a woman Thats interested that I have one body(by choice) and their reaction is always 😦😦😦. Then sometimes it gets to the point where they try to clown me because they get upset I’m not trying to fuck them off rip. Or almost like they’re ashamed because they have a lot and I have one so they try to make me seem like I’m not normal. Some of these girls are so broken they try to make normal stuff seem bad because they’re deflecting.
My thing is how can you shame someone for something when you're not doing better than them? I'm sure those girls are probably getting done dirty by Chads right now. And don't have a loving real relationship to show for it at the end of the day. Oh, but they sure as hell know how to suck a 💦🍆 upside down on a handstand. My general rule is I only listen to you if you're doing better than me. If you're not, you might as well not even have a mouth to speak with as far as I'm concerned.😂
I’m so glad you’re talking about this. Let’s bring back kink shaming bc I don’t want to know what you do in the bedroom and also I don’t want to be an involuntary participant by knowing it or just going to the grocery store and seeing a guy wearing a puppy mask in a leash by a woman. Like wtf!
let's just end any sexual shaming, besides the illegal and unconsentual kinds. As long as all parties involved are consenting adults, get your freaks on, do what makes you feel good. im not gonna shame anyone for that.
That's doing kink wrong, the pup mask in the store w leash thing. People shouldn't be unconsensually subjecting strangers to their kink in such an explicit manner...
I am glad you brought this subject up. My exes and friends would always make fun of me for being "vanilla" when it comes to intimacy. And I am here like "whats so wrong about just enjoying the touch and getting hot and heavy with your partner without any weird stuff involved?". I feel a little better and vindicated now for you dudes makes a video like this.
As a woman I encountered another woman who wanted the grape roleplay…… but hated the idea of being slapped even if just the butt…. Hated the idea of choking…. Hated the idea of biting….. three things I’m into…. But she wanted to be punched……….. some people really are living out trauma through the hook up culture but we aren’t allowed to call that out.
As a man I'm doublely fearful of that shit. Since I can really hurt my partner because of my strength and the fact after they get their jollies they can run to the police and get me in trouble. They'll want aftercare and the whole shabang when they're plotting
Yeah, no. I hate that kind of play. Spanking sure, if we get into it. Choking,maybe. But no slapping or spitting. Just feels disrespectful and I don't want to disrespect someone I care enough about to have sex with. I get it, consent and all this. But it just doesn't make ME feel good ABOUT myself. You'd have to make me really angry and hate you to want to do that consensually. Which means, you're on the streets afterwards because I ain't gonna live with that shit any longer. Prefer to keep it vanilla and intimate than risk hurting someone and getting fat lastly accused. Sorry, not sorry, but I'm getting you to consent to all that kind of play in writing first and foremost. Text or contract, I don't care. If you think I'm crazy and disrespect me for that, BYE. You're the crazy one who wants graped, not me B. You either respect my boundaries and caution or you can go hangout in a dark alley at night where a bunch of gangs live to live out your grape fantasy cause I ain't doing it with anyone who doesn't agree to all the precautions that are supposed to come with it. You can shame me for my trust issues, but in reality, if you have a grape fantasy, I'm NOT the crazy person. I'm the perfectly normal person. You think people on Survivor and other crazy TV shows don't sign contracts that say they can't sue the show for what happens to them and that they consent to most everything on the show? Yeah, you aren't getting away with a grape fantasy without contractual consent. That should be the NORM for grape fantasies. In-fact, it likely is the norm in porn. But these crazies with their crazy kinks want to experience it then regret it later and instead of taking accountability, they try to ruin someone else's life over it. Nah. You're better off getting actually graped at that point. No one will shame me for my trust issues when it comes to assault or grape fantasies. Nopenopenope. Sign and date on the dotted line or go find yourself a real grapist.
Yes, your introduction to sex will undoubtedly affect what you like or fantasise about. But it is up to the individual and their partner to communicate any trauma and possible triggers as well as get therapy in order to be healthy. The motto is *Safe, Sane, and Consensual* for a reason.
A lot of this shit became crystal clear to me with the second girl I was with. I had gotten out of a long-term relationship where the way I knew how to be intimate was in that way, and I came to realize it wasn't translating to the other girl. It was my responsibility to adjust and ask questions and be more inquisitive and observe, but it wasn't something I was even thinking about until I realized it was a problem. That kind of experience is super helpful in remembering not everyone is the same, and you need to treat each individual as a new project from the ground up. You might have your bag of tricks but you have no idea what this person likes, so it's your job to pay attention. On the flip side though, I have had girls flat-out refuse to communicate about what it is they want, what they like, and what they don't like. And that shit is absolutely trash. In the same way that it's a man's responsibility to be willing to listen and adapt, it's definitely a woman's responsibility to be open and communicate. If either of those two things aren't happening, something's getting fucked up. That "you figure it out" mentality is toxic and straight up idiotic.
I think some women, straight women, buy into a weird myth that we are all so similar enough you should be able to figure it out with zero communication. Like you've eaten one Vijay you know how to eat them all. I agree with you, communicating is key
I just had this conversation with my wife the other night. I told her that "post nut clarity" is not just a phrase but a real physical phenomenon where something happens in a man's brain after orgasm where we "snap back to reality" cause when we're engaged in sex, our entire physiology is engaged. My wife even said that it's different for women and that they're minds are so focused on other things and worrying about other things. She has to really clear her mind and relax otherwise it's hard for her to get an O.
No wonder so many women complain about not getting orgasms when all they care about is what they vag smells and looks like and all this other shit. If only more women knew this, maybe they'd be reaching Os much more easily.
I think what messes people up is being over stimulated. If you need you entire body bound and tied, while being choked AND YOUR HAIR PULLED, while stimulating your nipples just to get a nut off, you might need to take a break or lay off pornography,
We do have to clear our minds and relax, that's true... which is really hard to do when you're not enjoying the sex all that much lol I'm not SAYING anything, just... run that by her, see if there's anything she wants to try.
I had a convo with a couple friends, man and woman, and I was saying “you know what I love getting? An intimate handjob” and they said that was lame af. No job without the mouth. You know the spiel. I responded saying “you don’t ever just wanna see your girl smile at you while she’s pleasuring you. You don’t want her to talk to you? Kiss you? People jump to the crazy shit straight off the bat and they miss out on the fun intimacy of sex with someone you love. Quite sad honestly
That's valid as fuck, anybody that says that lame can't fuck. The handjob is one of the best ways to please a man. Chicks wearing out their jaws and knees when it isn't that deep for dudes to be real on it. Like how some women say they don't like penetration the same is for men. Foreplay is sometimes better than main event.
You look at ANYONE who is great at something they got to that level by mastering the basics. “You trying to backflip and you can’t even 2 step.” Aba nailed it.
Yep yall hit the nail on the head. I felt "less than" for a long time cause I was the "ignorant virgin" turns out I was well informed and just didn't feel the need to get with anyone to prove anything. Now I'm happily married and still not trying to prove anything while others are still doing the most trying to impress.
Nowadays, normal is the new weird. Everybody tries so hard to be abnormal or different in order to feel unique that anybody who is just a normal person, especially in the bedroom, is seen as a square.
Vanilla here. I feel you, people always judged me because i was too simple and was happy with the simple stuff. Now that they've grown up, they were all starting to realize that most satisfying things in life are the simple ones
been vanilla shamed in the BDSM community for being ✨monogamous✨. also been called "selfish" also, people expect the theatrics of p0rn when it's not really like that at all (for most of us). Personally I have some odd kinks because of my Catholic background, but I appreciate true intimacy and closeness which is the biggest turn on I have; *love*
@@AlekeVideos polyamorous people somehow think we're trynna take their rights to fuq around because certain people prefer monogamy. They get downright belligerent about "selfishness" this and "controlling" that. It's stupid and frankly they seem to feel like they have more right to dictate who is what just by people being different than them. That's how people are these days.
@@d011p4rtz yeah I've seen enough people trying to be trendy by getting into polyamory, just to end up in depression cause they wouldn't admit it was not for everyone, including them. Soon youngsters will look at me funny cause I don't dye my beard lmao.
No kink shaming allowed anywhere but vanilla shaming is absolutely rampant. You're weird/boring for not liking kinks to a point where some people think kinks are synonymous for the way people tease
This video was very necessary to make. I'm going to share a personal backstory: I'm a virgin, have never dated in my life (not that I'm not looking), and Christian. I have close friends on YouNow, with one of them no longer living as he took his own life back in December. This guy, Jacobley, was very much into kink and was open about it at times when the subject presented itself, but he never ever shamed those who were vanilla (like me and our fellow friend Morgan). Jacobley gave me advice on just finding a man to begin an emotional connection with and build from there (he was also engaged with a woman who he was emotionally close and loved as well). Then there was a female friend all three of us had for a year that would be slightly condescending about other people's views that were not constructive. When I told her what I feel I'd like my first time to be, she thought that was very sad (Jacobley somewhat thought the same but he just gave me pointers to consider) and doubled down paraphrasing that I'm repressed. There were other things she did that I'm not going to mention here as it would become an essay (it dealt with Morgan's hair being brought up and she talked about me having white privilage...somehow). Come the summer of last year, we all blocked her.
Who is anyone to tell anyone how their first should be? I don't think anyone's first is likely to be their best anyway but I think what makes it special is loving the other person. I lost my virginity ten years ago to someone I loved at the time and in retrospect it was the most basic sex ever but it was super special and romantic to me because I really loved the guy. Are people really out here doing crazy kink their first go around? 😅 jeez. I'm sorry you were put down.
@@LipSyncLover Get this: For me I'd like the lights off with only a single candle lit. That's nothing and its not like one is in the dark. Besides, in the olden days that's what people had to use at night. She also gasped that I felt like I'd not be a morning *** person if I was with someone. Jacobley understood that I'm on the typical life journey and was nothing but like an older brother to me in life advice (he was older than me by 3 months). Morgan and the rest of our group miss him very dearly.
@@HeatherGreenjsyk what if he wants 2 candles instead of one? Its very specific it made me laugh and there is nothing wrong with 1 candle as long as you want to love each other But i salute and respect women like you Who wait until mariage because of religion you guys are rare
Funnily enough I’m very vanilla when it comes to IRL stuff in the bedroom with my boyfriend vs. the stuff I look at and read online (and occasionally draw) 💀 I can separate the two because one is reality and the other is fiction. Btw thank you for mentioning aftercare; that shit is SUPER important. It feels awful if you don’t do that after doing the deed.
I’ve been wanting someone to talk about this and get it out there for a long time. The amount of shame I feel for being “boring” and not being into anything kinky has weighed heavy for several years. Any time my partner has wanted to experiment I just feel weird and uncomfortable. I wish it weren’t the case but that’s just how it is
If you feel uncomfortable don't do it. Any true `kinkster` respects the boundaries of their partner and won't` coerce them into something they don't want to do.
Fun bit of info, because some couples have trouble syncing up what they are into/curious about, and just talking about that stuff: I can't remember the name, but somewhere out there is an app..(could be a website, it's been several years) where you and your partner check on a list what things you want to try or are already into. Then it only shows you both the things you both check marked. That way no one has to be embarrassed about being into something "weird".
This hits hard man. I'm warning young "kinky" women out there, I ruined my intimate life this way. 100%. Only two months of when I started intimacy with some guy friends doing all of the "kinky" stuff and I can tell you I always was afraid of intimacy. I have bad body image issues and never was comfortable with the idea of intimacy up until I was 20 and I totally screwed up my responses in the bedroom. I've been with the same guy for 3 years, we love each other, we're both good looking and are very attracted to each other's looks, bodies, and personalities, but because of me we never figured out our intimate life and we live together. I have a horrible relationship with intimacy, have had an eating disorder for years, and I would say at this point in my relationship we're unfortunately comfortable not having anything going on in the bedroom. I accept my fate but thanks for speaking up about this. Young people more than ever need to hear it. If you recognize yourself in what these guys are saying in the video, or my post, please ask yourself what you can do to change before it is too late. I desperately wish I did things the right way. At least TRY to start out with the basics. Don't jump straight into getting slapped hard on the face and getting hurt. I don't even do that bdsm stuff anymore because it ruined me so much and it's my fault.
You say you were uncomfortable with intimacy up untill 20 years old as if that is some big age. Really? No woman should be comfortable with sex at 20. Thats virgin territory.
@@veronicaana I’ll preface this by saying that I am not trying to be an asshole or a smartass when asking the following-I am merely curious, lol. With that said, I can't help but ask what has led you to think/believe that 20 years old is “virgin territory” and “no woman should be comfortable with sex at 20,” precisely?
Facts, especially in the LGBT community. Some of them in the community think that because you're not straight it's mandatory that you have to be into some kind of kink or else you're doing a huge disservice to the community. Edit 1: Also people who offer hand jobs: What makes you think that your hand is better than the hand of a person you're offering a hand job to? Edit 2: Normalize asking your sex partner for feedback
@untibrow wow as someone who is also LGBT this is sad to hear. I would say the leather community is LGBT but everything else is up for debate. I swear that community has some of the most sensitive people on the planet.
@untibrow Should've told them killing gay people used to be a part of religious culture 💀 Culture will never be a justification, your culture can just be shit
@untibrow That's not an LGBTQ issue. Ageplay is a niche kink in or out of the community, so don't say it like it's a rampant issue. Even so it lets that shit stay in roleplay. Weird and fucked up, yeah, but ain't illegal.
Before I was married I dated this guy who was tall and big, and obviously had some insecurity because the first time we had sex, he brought a vibrator. I was weirded out, but I tried to be nice about it. It felt so forced. When I found my husband, we just wanted EACH OTHER. After 4 kids, we're as vanilla as it gets, and I wouldn't want to be with anyone else.
facts. people think kinks "spice it up" but for how long? it isnt sustainable. you are supposed to be into one another and how you make each other feel and how you compliment each others characteristics etc. it isnt about what trends you can adopt the fastest because like many others have said, most of the time people arent even truly into it, theyre just following a trend to be accepted and seen as "normal"
He isn't necessarily insecure. Women shame men actually for not wanting a vibe in the room. I think he just wanted you to have as much fun as possible. However I'm glad you found someone more your taste.
I started following this channel many months ago. I respect their opinions and I love that they keep it💯 all of the time. It's like a breath of fresh air to see men that will hold everyone accountable no matter the gender
I'm at the age where boring is the new sexy for me. I've tried stuff (not everything) but I also have no curiosity to try stuff, so anyone that's into hangin off a chandelier, I'm no shaming y'all but that's something that isn't for me. That being said vanilla can be a sign of maturity, meaning yes I've tried stuff and I've settled down and know exactly what I want.
What I like about Aba and Preach is that their content focuses on the little details about life that people rarely talk about. Respect for that coz there is too much content these days that feels like there is no real thought put into it
I’m ok with being vanilla if it means it doesn’t hurt me or make me feel less then. Cause a lot of men like doing certain things too you but don’t realize how it is to be on the receiving end.
Story time from a Male's perspective: Half or more of s** is mental/chemistry not actions. - I would honestly give myself a 9 out of 10 in bedroom skills, straight vanilla no extra fluff (not a fluff guy in the first place). I had had experince with multiple other ladies previously but currently had been seeing this one girl for a year and change (we're both mid 20's). I hit a point in our relationship where I couldn't finish. I would give my partner mind blowing finishes and I'd sit there doing my thing for an hour, only to go soft and not be able to finish myself. No matter how emotionally connected I felt, nor how intense the passion was and new heights felt in bed, I would feel myself get closer to the climax feeling, and it would just go away magically. I realized I had put so much mental pressure on myself to perform multiple finishes for my partner because I hated the stereotype of the female never getting hers, and how much shame and embarssement I felt PERSONALY when I fell short. I liked this girl so much I had self-engrained it into me on an emotional level that it was not okay for me to finsh myself. Long story short there was a shift in the bed room to help my mentality until things became equal between us. That being said physical connection no matter how strong can be undermineded by emotional trauma, lack of connection on a personality level, or lack of physical chemistry. And unless you are willing to work on it or accept that your are not compatible there will be static. Think next time on whether you or your partner is ACTUALLY present, open, and trying to connect with you. If thats not the case... the male might not finsh, but the female is almost definitely not finishing. Everyone is capable of a orgasim, but are you doing it with someone you ACTUALLY want to do it with? Maybe you have emotinal bagage? Questions to consider.
Despite what it may seem on first glance 90+% of "performance" is in the head - you can be having a 10/10 night but if your mental blocks get in the way it'll turn into 0/10 real quick. It's the same for men and women, one needs a proper mindset to get the most out of it and you can't have true intimacy if there's reservations and blocks.
I think the big part of it is about how vulnerable people feel expressing their “vanilla” preferences. You can’t disconnect from vanilla because it’s all you and not your trauma or being eccentric
@@emirnartyzhev2053 apologies if you thought I was accusing you of saying that, but your statement sort of implies that. I wasn't trying to go on the offense just saying not everyone requires a traumatic event. I do agree with vulnerability issues because I have run across a few women who really were affected by trauma
@@grey011680 nah I should’ve made my point more clear, my bad. There are a lot of other reasons to have some sort of kink, I should’ve added “etc” at the end of the comment. But that’s not my main point, my main point is that being judged for your “normal” self is more hurtful.
I have no shame being vanilla. I am not into weird stuff, whips or bondage, or role playing. I am great at the basics though, I am a professionally trained massage therapist and I learned how to work the female body.
I don't know if you're into boxing, but there's a somewhat common school of thought is that someone who practiced their jab (the weakest punch you can throw) a million times is more dangerous than someone who can throw any punch but hasn't mastered any of them. Tim Duncan built a HOF career on being elite at the basics.
I had an ex that could only get off in public places, and it was horrible. One time she went with me to a doctors visit, and she started climbing on top of me while the doctor was out of the room. She was willing to go all the way, not caring that at any moment, someone could just walk into the room. In fact, I'm pretty sure that's what excited her. I had to basically wrestle her off of me and tell her to cut that sh*t out. I'm pretty sure I would have been banned from going to that doctors office if we had gotten caught doing anything.
I remember making a huge discussion about it with a couple of friends about it. I am so happy that I am not the only one that saw this kind of shaming happening. 🤣 Pretty much agree with everything said in the video. People tend to know how to be hard, but NEVER how to properly care a body and person, because of the lack of communication and exploration. However, there are people that really know how to do it and the second you experience it... That mutual next level nutting orgasm that shakes your entire being, from great caring foreplay, from someone that actually cares about his/her partner, you will never want to go back.
Can we all take a moment to appreciate the masterpiece that is Aba's beard? It's so sharp, it could cut through a bad day. My man is looking fresher than a mint leaf in a mojito! 😂
The slow burn is one of the best parts of getting to know somebody in my opinion, that being said i’m not one for the casual life. But those initial conversations about what you enjoy are/can be very sensual and add a whole new layer to intimacy that a lot of people are missing out on. Also, sleeping with somebody you have a genuine attraction to mentally and physically is where the real heat is but people just aren’t ready for that I guess 🤷🏻♀️😮💨
This went in a better direction than the title indicated, and I'm glad for that. People really need to think about these things, especially because so often they will just expect their partner to know what to do, or they will just always blame their partners if they don't enjoy themselves, etc. Not to mention, some people blame themselves. I was with a girl once who really didn't like the fact that I don't climax easily, she felt like she was doing something wrong or disappointing me, it took a lot of talking and explaining to make her realize I'm just different and I was actually loving every moment. It can be weird for a woman when she's the one climaxing and the person with the D isn't, so I always try to be conscious of what it's like from the other person's perspective, and I do my best to explain why things are actually going quite well even though the usual signals are a bit off.
Intrusive thoughts during sex is a very common issue for women and many women don't totally understand it and even more men don't, or they don't have compassion for the issue. Women have to actively put down their intrusive thoughts, and men have to help their partners feel safe and wanted. Each partner focusing on making the other feel as good as possible is a great place to start.
I think people shame over stuff like this due to their own insecurities, if they aren't confident at the basics of something, they tend to be unnecessarily extra to hide their inadequacy
You know what solves a lot of these problems? Marriage. Having one partner and learning and playing and experimenting with that person. Been married for 11 years and our sex is fantastic and still getting better! He always makes me O bc I feel safe and loved outside and inside the bedroom. Find someone you respect enough to be with and serve for the rest of your life and marry them.
Woah, the timing on this video is amazing. I was recently looking at the BDSM section of reddit, not cause I'm into that, just out of curiosity and there were many people there, men and women, who said that they literally could NOT get off to anything that wasn't extreme kink. It's so bizarre and they don't even realise how messer up that is. They have some mental health issues. There was this one guy who said that he had to dominate women and be in control in order to be aroused to excited by the sex. It's insane. And they think this makes them interesting or exciting. No! It just makes it look like you weren't loved as a child.
Sometimes I think a lot of people hide behind the false "exposure" that comes from a lot of BDSM, because people are more comfortable with being physically exposed vs emotionally exposed with a partner. It's a lot more vulnerable to get down to basics and be with someone when it's just you and your partner in the bed vs a production with all the accessories (not saying everyone in the community that partakes is like this, just a general feeling with it's meteoric rise in popularity).
Yes! Thank you for speaking on this. I am in the BDSM community and having normal intimacy is so important. Knowing yourself is important so that you can guide your partner properly so that you both receive pleasure.
8:09 “I think people want to own that because they want to feel special” So true and it applies to almost everything every one of us does, not just sex. We want to feel relevant. Whenever we do something, ask yourself “am I doing this because I want to feel relevant?” If the answer is yes, don’t do it. You’ll find that like 90% of the things you do are done simply for that reason. You won’t even know who you are anymore.
Have to contradict Aba for a sec. I am* that insecure girl, who has body insecurities, like a million mental stuff...on meds, due to my past. And the fist time my boyfriend touched me, simple touching. (Mind you he loves me and I love him). All of my mental and body issues disappeared *poof* I never felt like that with any other man. I wasnt even in a right "state of mind", I was feeling emo. And his touch took me a to a place far away from where I was mentally. I wasnt "prepared" for it. Just letting other women its possible, with the right man.
There is a book titled "tell me what you want" that delves deep into sexual kinks, fantasies, and varations. In this book, it outliness 7 major categories of kinks, and one of them is intamacy and passion. Those who shame the vinila people probably dont know that it's a very large fantasy to simply have passionate and intimate sex. Its a really good read and i recommend it to anyone who is cerious or having problems in their sex lives.
As a woman, my sex life has increased significantly after learning how to communicate better before, during, and after sex. Now he knows my needs, and I know his. Makes it a lot easier not having to think, “is this working for him?” And just knowing that it’s working 😏
@@connorp3030 ppl aren't gonna admit that their kinks are related to their trauma that they actively would like to forget about. it's an unconscious thing your brain does to help you survive in my opinion
@@IsaiahSenku your opinion is pretty dumb People with trauma are able to know they've had a traumatic experience, theres no evidence of repressed memories outside of people denying knowledge that they've done crimes When you survey people on sexuality (asking them about lifestyle, sexual experiences, diet, family dynamics etc) traumatic experiences like grape or abuse just aren't common among people with kinks (meaning the overwhelming majority of people with kinks don't have traumatic experiences) There's a lot more evidence of biological predispositions, for example kinks are often hereditary (e.g twins separated at birth might both be into feet or bondage) Intuitively makes sense, if you can be predisposed to think a certain way or have a certain emotional profile, why should that stop at sexuality
Preach is right. Being able to enjoy sex is really in the mindset. A guy I slept with very much thought I was attractive and regularly told me so but because I had insecurities about my body I had a difficult time letting loose. He also regularly asked me if I came or not. I wouldn't even let go down on me because I was so worried about his face being so close down there. Sometimes a guy trying to make you feel comfortable and listening to you isn't enough. If there are insecurities that the woman has she's the only one that can overcome it, and this goes for any insecurity and any gender.
Preach is dead on with woman getting an "O" having to let go. My husband and I have achieved it plenty but there are days that I'm like "Babe my heads swamped with other things...This has been fun but I'm not going to get there today. Let's focus on you now to the end. :)"
I think another part of the issue is people DO stuff they would never talk about. They'll do kinky stuff in the bedroom, but they can't talk with the same person about what they liked/disliked.
Or even just regular things. But to actually talk about it especially if it's feeling a connection with the person or something outside of yourself. The things that are amazing but that people distrust or seem like weird hippie stuff.
What annoys me about this the most is that people consider vanilla a boring flavour. Vanilla is delicious!
Nah fam Pistachio is better .
Not that it's boring... people just consider it basic, but to relate basic flavor of ice cream to shame someone for not being a nympho is foolish to me.
@@Rude_Boi , I dont really care what they do in bed , I just love pistachio ice cream 😋
Well said. Vanilla tends to go very well with everything else. It's the perfect compliment. Great on its own or with other ingredients.
@@Maelstrom8 vanilla is the all purpose flour
A lot of people that claim they're not vanilla are really just vanilla with a few sprinkles on top.
I prefer ore ice cream and vanilla to with the Side of bananas and chocolate syrup and whipped cream for the finisher 😂
"Im soooo kinky, I like having my ass slapped in doggie"
Well said
Definitely me✋✋✋
@@Superbatmanbroyou into poopoo 👀
This is everywhere. Not even just sex. "You don't use social media???" "You don't drink/smoke???" Just being somebody who likes to keep things simple and "clean" is frowned upon.
Oh I agree. Ive been frown upon for not wanting to go to pubs and drink to the point i am dead wasted and dont know nect day how i got home. I prefer to stay at home listen to music and read a book while having my cup of coffee. 😂😂 people these days will find problem with everything honestly 😂
That’s facts people are incredibly caught up in social media/partying all the time. Don’t get me wrong I love to party and have a great time but as far as social media goes…. It is NOT real 😂🤣 Instagram, Snapchat, tik tok all these platforms give us the most false sense of reality and it’s sets us up to feel disappointed with what real life is actually like. Simple is better always and social media is the textbook definition excessive. You could compare social media to pornography - it’s not anywhere close to what things are like in real life and consuming too much of it will make any person go insane.
Facts bro. This generation just tries so hard to be different
Because being a freak is the new norm. You're a rebel if you're normal.
The ones I had to deal with as a young adult that made me feel like my life was boring, "you've never even been on a date or had your first kiss?" "you've never had a boyfriend?"
Intimacy is deeper than sex. It's easy to have sex. Being intimate is a whole new level
I really thought we were about to argue over ice cream flavors.
Plain chocolate Ice cream is disgusting
I wish that was the case. Instead we get more delusional people
I prefer strawberry ice cream
@@Good_Watch you are wrong. Its good.
😂😂
sex with someone you're really into will never be vanilla.
since hook up culture is so prominent these days, a lot of ppl are having sex with ppl they don't care about, so they gotta do extra things to make up for the lack of chemistry and comfort.
and p*rn. that industry certainly didn't help anyone with intimacy.
Pron should be banned along with TikTok
Excellent point.
@@just_a_turtle_chad that won’t work sorry
Why does it say 3w ago
Yeah to me sex without any real emotional connection or investment is ultimately hollow and meaningless. I've never understood this hookup culture, and I've gotten plenty of shit for not wanting to fuck a different woman each day.
Y'all being a lot of people's dads without realizing.
Bravo guys.
The other thing I don't like, within the same realm, is the pressure to be good or well rounded in sex. I had a parter who felt because she didn't have experiences she was awful. She thinks she is bad at everything because of lack of experience. I always told her we just keep learning together. The more it happens the more we learn.
I would never jump into a relationship expecting a top tier sexual partner. It takes time and learning one another. More time you put into it, the better it gets. Love that deep intimate growth.
That was super sweet, thank you for sharing. I find that I oftentimes worry so much about how the other person is going to feel or think because of this that it kind of frightens me from having an experience at all...
I had the same experience. Thing is, she is an ex now because she kept thinking I was lying to her.
The problem truly is that cex shouldn't be "a thing" that we measure and try to broadcast to the word. It shouldn't be "cex'," it should be physical intimacy with one spouse. Broadcasting it to the world literally destroys the intimacy, the spiritual aspect, and makes it this vain, material pursuit of coolness, status and popularity.
Your measurements liek "top tier cexxual partner" are creepy and vain. You still don't get it either.
Probably helps that you being the male having more experience, because women aren't probably going to be as forgiving in general to men w. little experience.
@@taurusteelpan A little more experience than her? Sure.
But I have only been with 6 people within my 30 some years and I am getting married now.
I have always disagreed with sleep around culture. I always wanted a relationship before jumping into it.
This is how far we’ve came as a society. 🌽 has completely distorted and disrupted most people’s perception of intimacy. This is a SICKNESS
When I read this I heard Aba’s voice lol😂
OF THE HIGHEST ORDER
Not me taking a couple minutes to figure out what the 🌽 was for.
As a girl , I can say it's FRIGHTENING what misinformation guys are learning from 🌽.(How to communicate , what is "normal", what usually causes pain, etc.) GUYS: do you want to slurp up bodily fluids? You see girls do it because there's a demand to see it. Same with most🌽
@@TM-np5lq hell yea I be slurpin up those juices like it’s Gatorade fr fr 😩
My first boyfriend was a “vanilla shamer”. I was 17, he was 20 (we’re in the uk) and he’d tell me that being vanilla is childish and that most couples are kinky and engage in bdsm, are in open relationships, etc. His friends were all his age and above and would always talk about s3ggs and the things they’d do with their partners like how one would talk about football and would joke about how he’d usually have broken up with a girl like me by now for being so boring.
Well, my first time with him (and all other times) was rough, he’d do things without asking, no safe word, an thought my crying was “hot”. Even I knew this wasn’t right, but thought that no one would date me if I couldn’t get used to this. I decided that I’d rather be abstinent than pretend that I find getting slapped in the face seggsy and left him. Took me a long time to heal physically and emotionally from that relationship, but definitely made me realise that it’s ok to not like certain things and to not likely others convince you otherwise. Anyone who loses feelings because you don’t enjoy being tied up is a selfish child
Dude sounds like a fuckwit.
He made up bullshit lies to sexually abuse you. God damn it
So glad you left and found healing.
@@xCalpsy on god
It’s a shame that young men’s brains these days are all rotten from porn. I’m Sorry you had to go through that!❤
As someone who describes themselves as vanilla and also having 0 experience (plus the addition of performance anxiety) This was great to hear and actually makes me feel a bit better about myself.
hello fellow bestie
Yo brudda
@@Sanandita._. how did you know it's a girl?
@@IwasabletoDisappearafterlitsen I don't, it's just a general term.
@@Sanandita._. oh....like- dude and bro? Makes Sense.
People have gotten so engrossed into sex that they’re starting to shame people for not being kinky? Jesus this is just getting sad…
Somehow I feel targeted for appreciating vanilla...
My biggest thing is as virgin and I’m definitely asking my future wife and partner how she feels when kiss her neck and learn to ask what we both like
@@Superbatmanbro what the?! Someone who actually communicates and not someone who says “communication is key” while not communicating?! Impossible!
When your anime gf watches hentai and you find her tentacle toys in her sock drawer
I just get shamed because I, as a man of 23, haven't gotten any yet. I haven't been in the right mental space since I was 16 (and I got help December 2019, but Covid threw a wrench in those plans), but I have started the psychologist trips back up. The problem is my parents never showed me what love or friendships even looked like, so I am trying to discover it on my own. Sadly I wasted most of my time in college focussing on studies until I broke down completely. I am on the upswing though. Finishing my degree this summer (only had to do my final project) and then it is time to work, get some money and become independent from my parents. I am unable to love myself (for the 6 years), but I am going to make it work in the future. If someone who is willing to take it slow with me comes along, that would be neat! If not, well... that is too bad, but I will have a sister and her kids I will be the cool uncle for and my life won't be a complete waste after all. I just want to feel good about myself again. Good enough that I feel like I matter enough for someone else to give a damn about me.
Me getting flashbacks from getting ignored by my group of friends for:
- Not smoking when they got into it
- Not doing drugs when they got into it
- Not Drinking when they got into it
- Not being a D*ck when they got into it
- Not "Actin wild" when they got into it
- Not Mindlessly agreeing with them when they got into it
- Not Being picky when they got into it
And more.
Brother I think it for your sake it would be better to find friends that have values that are closer to yours. Kudos to you for withstanding peer pressure. Some, if not the majority, of my friends smoke weed, but I never picked up the habit nor have ever been high in my 23 years despite all the offers. The difference is they don't treat me any different for it, and just accept that it's something I don't do.
Honestly thinking for yourself, doing what you want, and not doing what you don't want, proves you're more human than them.
You sound like a douche
Good riddance, you don't need them.
When we get older we tend to filter out the people that don’t align with our lives we live. You’ll see that you only then have a few friends that are amazing souls to be around the rest where just moments to look back at.
When I was a student, had a girl tell me I was "so vanilla" just because I think polyamory is a pile of bullshit. Trick is: I'm much more freaky than her. She still tried to shame me on being "vanilla" because I don't accept polyamory as equal to exclusive relationships
Some people are just that dense
Poly relationships just seem high maintenance. I mean making it work with one person is already hard enough but adding another to the mix is just a lot. Also just the boundary setting is hard.
The worst is when people make their kinks their entire personality. These people are never that interesting to me and rather annoying because they get so hell bent on trying to convince you that A) you're missing out and B) they are clearly freer/sexier/more progressive than the majority. I agree with Aba that this is yet another path to specialness for those who needing attention
This is so true, they try and shame everyone else claiming they are the king/queen of kink when really they are no different to majority of sexual partners. Just a little more dirty
Had a friend who got into bdsm and stuff and that was all she wanted to talk about. And when I told her how disconnected I felt with her since then we cut off contact. I now realize she needed someone to be her cheerleader
2:23 "its trendy now to have a weird kink and they think that makes them interesting" one of the most accurate sentences said in history, what a time to be alive
You can blame the rainbow squad for this, where a foundational aspect of their culture is kink. They literally host parades to display kink to other adults and kids.
girls on tiktok think getting choked is a personality trait
@@TheReapersSon I'm a gay man and this is far too damn true.
I keep to myself and I want no part of the rainbow squad agenda bs for real lol
@@sevionus80 It's no longer about freedom, but conversion. The movement was hijacked and everybody suffers for it. The same way that any straight girl is repeating the Yass queen. That's cultural appropriation and they don't care unless someone does it to them. So many people take one aspect of life and think it makes a whole identity.
True. People are so cringe when they do it. I've met actual self-confessed VIRGINS on discord trying to vanilla shame others too. like wtf
The amount of people that shame you for not eating 🍑 or not liking your 🍑 ate (male or female) is getting weird.
That’s what I’m saying
Exactly it’s so weird how it’s normal
I'm saying. It's becoming so common place, and that realization hit me hard af the other day.
That and sucking toes. I'm literally getting pissed off by people talking about "You're too vanilla". Like...im not even doing it with these people and yet they have so much to say. People are so caught up in lust that they have very extreme or weird standards and are trying to make it sound normal. A friend(a girl) said her quickies last an hour and she thought it was weird when my other friend and I said a quickie shouldn't even be longer than 15 mins MAX. Most times 10 or less.
Pasta Sempa was right about eating da poo poo.
So true. A lot of people don't even know about all the erogenous zones on the body. Alternating between them and touching multiple areas at once is pretty crucial for a lot of women. Agree with the mental side too. Women need mental relaxation and a sense of comfort to achieve O. Aftercare is such an overlooked thing these days too from both sides. Corn is rotting people's brains. Stop performing for your partner and instead prioritise connection and you'll be miles ahead of most.
My buddy and I were out over the weekend grabbing drinks and ran into this issue. My friend has been with his girlfriend for about 1.5 years, but one girl in a group we befriended was into him. She made her interest known and shot her shot, but when my buddy explained his relationship status several people in the girl's friend group were actively appalled by the thought of a monogamous relationship. They literally laughed about it and talked as if it were weird to be in a committed relationship with one person.
Shit is so backwards these days.
No sooo true , it’s like every guy I come across he a girl /wife and looking for a side or a third . It’s so weird relationships aren’t valued at all these days . I thing it’s becoming a trend of being in a poly relationship and having wild kinks . It’s just not my speed .
Time to chill wi5h other ppl bud
How old are you? I wonder if that's a young person thing.
It feels like everything else is commoditized so why not relationships
Most likely those women WANT a monogamous relationship but can't have one. Either being their fault or the other not wanting them. And so they settle for what they get and make fun of what they want but can't have.
Shit is this why I'd still get weird DMs? I've been with my man 5 years in May. Even married, I'd still get people hitting on me online. Some asking for nudes. Etc. And I have my wedding photos pinned. I was just like...do people really not respect monogamy anymore? Do people really think adultery doesn't ruin lives? I guess that's the world now huh
As I get older I learn to appreciate the vanilla things in life. This has gave me more emotional control and lasting happiness. Age seems to show me that the constant search for more and more will never bring happiness and was good in past to help me strive to grow in many ways but being grateful for small vanilla things will allow you to be happy in good times and bad times.
My ex always bagged on me and told me I was "vanilla," and she would constantly ask me/try to gaslight/pressure me in to doing things that she KNEW I didn't want to do. To her, my boundaries were not important. Shoulda seen that red flag and peaced right away
I feel her though
@Dominant B*tch so you condone gaslighting your partner into doing things, making them feel bad and belittling them if they said they didn't want to do it? Good to know
@@DominantBtch Pardon?
Never waste time with people who think their preferences take precedence over yours. Relationships of all types are about compromise.
Uhhh ya
As a fellow vanilla man, I stand in solidarity with Aba. We've learned the art of INTIMACY. Like Aba said "how to touch someone."
This is why the West is going down
Western Society is based around personal space. It's a very cold blooded way to live, when everything has to be so formal and weird.
Look at the consent "rules". No couple actually formally requests consent in such a bloodless inhuman way.
@@Snoop_Dugg "Stick it in but don't touch my legs" Are people really playing Twister in bed lol
@@MrCLee94They're probably going to ask for a formal request, a letter or email certified by a lawyer first. 🙄
@@suzygirl1843 elaborate?
I love Vanilla,it involves a man and a woman {or whoever you choose} wanting to enjoy and please each other. It's kissing,hugging,eye contact,language and all the lovely art of intimacy that people are avoiding because they think having kinks makes them better somehow. Any kinks I developed were within a relationship and when the relationships finished I left them at the door. Not everyone is going to repeat a kink within all their relationships. And nor should they if they don't want to. The BDSM stuff creeping into the mainstream is disconcerting to me.
If you don't conform, you are shamed. Imagine the "weird" kids telling you you're too weird 😂 imagine someone who treats themselves as the community pocket-pvssy trynna shame you for not being desperate for attention like that 😂 idk people are lame, if they're miserable their words mean jackshit
As soon as I started hearing people were shaming other people because they don't engage in non-kinky sex, I realized that p*rn has rotted so many people's brains, it's a sobering thought.
The older I get the less I care about kink and the more I care about emotional connection
Absolutely with you bro.
Agree
Exactly. That’s what it’s all about.
Yup. This is the one!🎉🎉🎉
As a woman, I support this message. You can check off every box, but if you don't allow your mind to relax & let go in the moment, you won't have as great of an experience.
True. The man you are being intimate with plays a large role in helping you to relax your mind, make you comfortable. Unfortunately it seems like the bulk of men, especially now, only give a crap about getting themselves off. Probably from watching so much porn, it gives them the way wrong idea about what sex is supposed to be/what a woman actually enjoys. The majority of porn, if you look at the woman's face, you can tell she is not enjoying it, but men see that and it trains them to think that is how a woman looks when she enjoys it and it teaches them to just focus on them getting off. I really appreciate aba and preach setting a great example of how to actually be a man and a caring partner.
I would also add that if you can't communicate with your partner about what feels good and doesn't, where or how to touch you, you aren't going to achieve O. Your experience isn't going to be the best. Women don't be afraid to speak up or show your partner what you want.
Plus only a woman knows her body.... What made my ex cum in 20 seconds can do absolutely zero for the next ... Just because a man isn't amazing on the first night don't make him bad in bed XD
It’s like trying to sleep but your brain is going off. Meanwhile the body is dead tired and wants a damn nap.
I think it's part of why I sometimes have better sex with cannabis. Turn off all those thinky thoughts that take me out of the present moment. I was kinda amazed how much it can impact things when your mind is just fully present
Getting shamed for being a normal person is a badge of honor that should be worn proudly.
What's ironic in this comment is that you're railing against shaming whilst at the same time shaming people who are into kink by implying that they're not normal. Implying that not being into kink is "normal".
Kink is actually quite common, perhaps equally as common as what would be called "vanilla", as far as kink or no kink goes, both are "normal".
The meek shall inherit the earth
@@Crimson_Loki bruh
@@Crimson_Loki What’s actually ironic is your statement, there comment was about being shamed for being Normal not kinky. Also where in his statement was he kink shaming?
@@Crimson_Loki you ever hear of a bell curve? Kink is definitely not equally common to ‘normal’. You can rant but bring facts.
Almost a week ago I spent the first time with a woman (my gf) and when I tell you that sex is not what it's like in porn. The intimacy and the feeling of touching each other and exploring each other's bodies for the first time ever was an experience I'll always value and appreciate. All these people saying vanilla is lame are just hoes and or tryhards.
Ayyyyyy
How tf is your comment from 3 weeks ago
@@sweetrolldealer 😂this video probably came from patreon
@RedoneViz you prefer to have sex normally, as opposed to doing stuff like BDSM or something.
@@sweetrolldealer mans ahead of his time
What I hear when people say I’m boring for liking vanilla stuff is really just “I’ve had so much meaningless sex that I can’t even enjoy it anymore without some kind of twist or kink attached”
It’s less a kind of shaming to me and more just a self-own, like, I wouldn’t wanna sleep with you anyway, you probably got something 😂
I mean, you’re being as bad as them when you automatically assume they got something or sleep around lots because they have a kink. I’m not into whips or choking and stuff but I will eat a booty hole. Though I consider that less of a kink and more good manners. I do not, however enjoy having my own add eaten. I am a dude and it’s a jungle down there
Tbh if you need to do kinky stuff most or all the time to want to have sex or get off you probably don't like sex that much or there's an issue there (no hate to them).
Eh I lost my virginity to kinky sex, guess I was born with that stuff instead of frying my brain with too much meaningless sex like you infer
Facts
Facts there's nun wrong with regular sex
Honestly, when you’re with someone that cares about you, you really don’t have to do a whole lot. I think it’s the little things that really enhance the experience.
@@NoName12344o Nahhhh girl stomp on his balls, he'll thank you 🤘
Yeah. I feel like it "should" be the bread & butter of intimacy.
For real, you're revealing your vulnerable self and so are they. If you're supportive of each other, it makes the experience better as you don't turn yourself or your partner off because of worrying over your performance AND not being supported with love.
Most important post in this video. If someone is being crappy to you get away. They probably don't love themselves, need therapy and can't love you.
Communication is key. My wife be having me feel like Superman because she tells me how she likes it. Vanilla shaming just sounds like they have a mediocre sex life.
They want to inflict their sexual ideals into ur life to make u feel less then…. That’s not a good person bro
Something I found really funny is that a lot of those same people that shame others for being vanilla are actually biggg posers. Talking about "I'm a dom I can't fwu unless you're submissive" but when it comes down to it either they don't know what they're doing or they just saying that because they want to be manipulative
I'm glad I actually know how to fuck and don't need to compensate with the extra extra shit
People talk a big game until it's time to step to the plate, at which point they strike out.
Fax 📠
A highschool buddy of mine would allways brag about how great he was in bed. He confessed to me he was avaradge at best. As he put it; "They'll try me on once or twice and get disappointed, but by then I'm already on my way to the next one so wtf do I care"😆
Thank you for this video, I never been shamed for being a vanilla women but I been told by men that I should be sleeping around and lose my virginity already. All I want is a healthy relationship not the emptiness that comes from situationships or casual sex.
Good. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise. The men that say it just want an easy lay, and the woman that say it just want others to be miserable with the same trauma.
good on you, the men telling you that aren't good people. I sincerely hope you get the relationship you want!
I feel this 100%
Honestly, listen to the top two comments. It increases your attractiveness to the right men. I do hope you find the right man
Keep doing you!
Getting shamed for being a normal person is a badge of honor imo.
Honestly, I think making love is much deeper than sex. It's a bond where you have a greater emotional attachment with someone. Sex sometimes feels more akin to relieving an urge. Both have their place, but when you've been with someone through thick and thin and lived a harder life together, spending time being intimate and focusing on the emotion of intimacy and unabashed love seems to touch the soul.
This is true.
My ex is bi, worked at a sex shop, had tons of piercings in intimate places, and was always posting super sexual photos on her social media. She was the most boring person ever, sexually and personality-wise. Our sex life was OKAY, at best. She liked the attention acting sexual or, “non-vanilla,” got her. EDIT: that wasn’t meant to talk shit on bi people. I bring it up because she would play that aspect up to come across as something she wasn’t sexually. Please don’t hate on people for their sexuality, good lord.
Actually a lot of women that try hard to not be vanilla treat it like make up. They think just because they pierced two, three things it's suddenly kinky, when kinky stuff is pretty much always done in form of action and not the looking part. It's like they'd wear a choker but not want to get tied, put a small piercing but not want to get pulled hard by it etc. It really all just screams ''LOOK at me, I'm quirky''. Sorry hun, but light choking is not kinky, it's called rough sex. You want kinky, you start drinking piss and things like that.
I mean what do u expect? She bi
@@zakiaitslimane658 I didn’t know what to expect actually. Never dated a bi chick. She actively pursued me and I got one month, ONE MONTH, of a honeymoon phase until all her drama came to light. Lol. Live and learn.
@@Fafafohi bruh thats why you should have standards you might be older im 19 and i know.....
You said it yourself you didnt know what to expect i mean cmon
As a guy you must have self esteem and standards so that when a girl comes and shows you interest you dont rush in a relationship with her just because SHE was opened to the idea it concerns you too you should see if she matches your standards to see if shes relationship material or not
Bi women are a red flag and you had to experience it and waste time and energy to learn the hard way
As a bi man, there is a whole can of worms that I wont bore you with concerning how bi people are portrayed in society that might cause a bi person to act up like they are some seasoned pro, when they are just normal.
I feel like men and women also forget that there needs to be a solid base of safety and intimacy in order to start experimenting. It's way too easy to cross your own and someone else's boundaries when you don't even know how to read the basic signs of pleasure, comfort and safety.
People are so desensitized to sex and hook up culture these days that forming an actual relationship, wanting to learn about an individual, and being with that individual will not be vanilla.
Yolo
That's so crazy to think being a relatively normal human being instead of treating each other like sexual bags of meat that can be bought for the right 'price' will be commonplace if we continue down the path we are going.
@@Thr33Sh33ts what you are saying is true. I'm engaged now, soon to be married, and I pity my friends who are still single. Technology has almost ruined dating for many people my age.
@@SeanornottobeSean I agree. It is what it is though sadly 🤷🏻♂️
@@SeanornottobeSean Why pity those who are single? Some want to be. 💀
Thank you guys! Y'all do not disappoint! A guy stopped talking to me cuz I wasn't “kinky“ enough!😅😂
Man, this is just sad, hopefully you meet someone good
@@zebruh2794 it’s not sad lol. People like what they like. I’d dump somebody for being too kinky 🤷🏽♀️
Sexual compatibility is important.
What? That's completely different. Shaming others because they're not into the same stuff you are and not wanting a sexual intimate relationship with someone that's not into the same stuff as you are two completely different things. One is a preference, the other is being judgmental.
Well talk to me. I prefer a conservative lady over these fetishlers😁
@@wandering4786 ya. You're absolutely right.
I've been vanilla shamed by some girls I know. At first, I was bothered by it, but I had to stop and realize that that is something to take reverence in... the fact that in a sexually lewd society filled with lasciviousness, being called _"vanilla,"_ or normal, is a good thing.
Also vanilla is a good flavor lol
@@bigol9223 yeah if you aint got tastebuds, mint is where its at
@@bigol9223 Can't go wrong with the classic
everytime I tell a woman Thats interested that I have one body(by choice) and their reaction is always 😦😦😦. Then sometimes it gets to the point where they try to clown me because they get upset I’m not trying to fuck them off rip. Or almost like they’re ashamed because they have a lot and I have one so they try to make me seem like I’m not normal. Some of these girls are so broken they try to make normal stuff seem bad because they’re deflecting.
My thing is how can you shame someone for something when you're not doing better than them? I'm sure those girls are probably getting done dirty by Chads right now. And don't have a loving real relationship to show for it at the end of the day. Oh, but they sure as hell know how to suck a 💦🍆 upside down on a handstand.
My general rule is I only listen to you if you're doing better than me. If you're not, you might as well not even have a mouth to speak with as far as I'm concerned.😂
I’m so glad you’re talking about this. Let’s bring back kink shaming bc I don’t want to know what you do in the bedroom and also I don’t want to be an involuntary participant by knowing it or just going to the grocery store and seeing a guy wearing a puppy mask in a leash by a woman. Like wtf!
let's just end any sexual shaming, besides the illegal and unconsentual kinds. As long as all parties involved are consenting adults, get your freaks on, do what makes you feel good. im not gonna shame anyone for that.
That's doing kink wrong, the pup mask in the store w leash thing. People shouldn't be unconsensually subjecting strangers to their kink in such an explicit manner...
I am glad you brought this subject up. My exes and friends would always make fun of me for being "vanilla" when it comes to intimacy. And I am here like "whats so wrong about just enjoying the touch and getting hot and heavy with your partner without any weird stuff involved?". I feel a little better and vindicated now for you dudes makes a video like this.
I like your pfp, it's really cute!
As a woman I encountered another woman who wanted the grape roleplay…… but hated the idea of being slapped even if just the butt…. Hated the idea of choking…. Hated the idea of biting….. three things I’m into…. But she wanted to be punched……….. some people really are living out trauma through the hook up culture but we aren’t allowed to call that out.
So she could take a punch, but not a slap? Does she know what typically involved in grape? Lol. Yeah thats a strange one for sure
As a man I'm doublely fearful of that shit. Since I can really hurt my partner because of my strength and the fact after they get their jollies they can run to the police and get me in trouble. They'll want aftercare and the whole shabang when they're plotting
Yeah, no. I hate that kind of play. Spanking sure, if we get into it. Choking,maybe. But no slapping or spitting. Just feels disrespectful and I don't want to disrespect someone I care enough about to have sex with. I get it, consent and all this. But it just doesn't make ME feel good ABOUT myself. You'd have to make me really angry and hate you to want to do that consensually. Which means, you're on the streets afterwards because I ain't gonna live with that shit any longer. Prefer to keep it vanilla and intimate than risk hurting someone and getting fat lastly accused. Sorry, not sorry, but I'm getting you to consent to all that kind of play in writing first and foremost. Text or contract, I don't care. If you think I'm crazy and disrespect me for that, BYE. You're the crazy one who wants graped, not me B. You either respect my boundaries and caution or you can go hangout in a dark alley at night where a bunch of gangs live to live out your grape fantasy cause I ain't doing it with anyone who doesn't agree to all the precautions that are supposed to come with it. You can shame me for my trust issues, but in reality, if you have a grape fantasy, I'm NOT the crazy person. I'm the perfectly normal person. You think people on Survivor and other crazy TV shows don't sign contracts that say they can't sue the show for what happens to them and that they consent to most everything on the show? Yeah, you aren't getting away with a grape fantasy without contractual consent. That should be the NORM for grape fantasies. In-fact, it likely is the norm in porn. But these crazies with their crazy kinks want to experience it then regret it later and instead of taking accountability, they try to ruin someone else's life over it. Nah. You're better off getting actually graped at that point. No one will shame me for my trust issues when it comes to assault or grape fantasies. Nopenopenope.
Sign and date on the dotted line or go find yourself a real grapist.
@@ExeErdna Written contracts and a safeword, hon. Keep receipts of texts and emails. Plus it's really not common.
Yes, your introduction to sex will undoubtedly affect what you like or fantasise about. But it is up to the individual and their partner to communicate any trauma and possible triggers as well as get therapy in order to be healthy. The motto is *Safe, Sane, and Consensual* for a reason.
A lot of this shit became crystal clear to me with the second girl I was with. I had gotten out of a long-term relationship where the way I knew how to be intimate was in that way, and I came to realize it wasn't translating to the other girl. It was my responsibility to adjust and ask questions and be more inquisitive and observe, but it wasn't something I was even thinking about until I realized it was a problem. That kind of experience is super helpful in remembering not everyone is the same, and you need to treat each individual as a new project from the ground up. You might have your bag of tricks but you have no idea what this person likes, so it's your job to pay attention.
On the flip side though, I have had girls flat-out refuse to communicate about what it is they want, what they like, and what they don't like. And that shit is absolutely trash. In the same way that it's a man's responsibility to be willing to listen and adapt, it's definitely a woman's responsibility to be open and communicate. If either of those two things aren't happening, something's getting fucked up. That "you figure it out" mentality is toxic and straight up idiotic.
I think some women, straight women, buy into a weird myth that we are all so similar enough you should be able to figure it out with zero communication. Like you've eaten one Vijay you know how to eat them all. I agree with you, communicating is key
I just had this conversation with my wife the other night. I told her that "post nut clarity" is not just a phrase but a real physical phenomenon where something happens in a man's brain after orgasm where we "snap back to reality" cause when we're engaged in sex, our entire physiology is engaged. My wife even said that it's different for women and that they're minds are so focused on other things and worrying about other things. She has to really clear her mind and relax otherwise it's hard for her to get an O.
This sounded like a nice open convo, and that’s what’s needed, cuz doing freaky sh*t doesn’t necessarily solve anything
No wonder so many women complain about not getting orgasms when all they care about is what they vag smells and looks like and all this other shit. If only more women knew this, maybe they'd be reaching Os much more easily.
I think what messes people up is being over stimulated. If you need you entire body bound and tied, while being choked AND YOUR HAIR PULLED, while stimulating your nipples just to get a nut off, you might need to take a break or lay off pornography,
Well, she needs to speak for herself. Women definitely have post nut clarity too.
We do have to clear our minds and relax, that's true... which is really hard to do when you're not enjoying the sex all that much lol I'm not SAYING anything, just... run that by her, see if there's anything she wants to try.
I had a convo with a couple friends, man and woman, and I was saying “you know what I love getting? An intimate handjob” and they said that was lame af. No job without the mouth. You know the spiel. I responded saying “you don’t ever just wanna see your girl smile at you while she’s pleasuring you. You don’t want her to talk to you? Kiss you?
People jump to the crazy shit straight off the bat and they miss out on the fun intimacy of sex with someone you love. Quite sad honestly
Your story is great your screen name made me laugh lol
That's valid as fuck, anybody that says that lame can't fuck. The handjob is one of the best ways to please a man. Chicks wearing out their jaws and knees when it isn't that deep for dudes to be real on it. Like how some women say they don't like penetration the same is for men. Foreplay is sometimes better than main event.
Well said.
They’re all porned up. They wanna do the acrobatics knowing good and well the pleasure isn’t there.
bro intimate handy is fucking amazing lmao
I got hella shamed for telling my girl to stop calling me “daddy”. Maybe it’s hot to some of y’all but that’s just weird to me
Agreed.
I always thought it was weird too, until someone called me that for the first time 😈
Yea I find it weird too. Especially when they got kids
Yeah.Specially because i am too young to be called daddy and she is not my daughter
Nah it’s hella weird, Especially when somebody has children and they’re saying it infront of their children.
You look at ANYONE who is great at something they got to that level by mastering the basics. “You trying to backflip and you can’t even 2 step.” Aba nailed it.
Yep yall hit the nail on the head. I felt "less than" for a long time cause I was the "ignorant virgin" turns out I was well informed and just didn't feel the need to get with anyone to prove anything. Now I'm happily married and still not trying to prove anything while others are still doing the most trying to impress.
you dont have to reply but if you feel comfortable answering im curious if your wife was also a virgin when you met her?
Nowadays, normal is the new weird. Everybody tries so hard to be abnormal or different in order to feel unique that anybody who is just a normal person, especially in the bedroom, is seen as a square.
Vanilla here. I feel you, people always judged me because i was too simple and was happy with the simple stuff. Now that they've grown up, they were all starting to realize that most satisfying things in life are the simple ones
Vanilla is good man dont listen to this other bullsh$%. People are getting it wrong. Vanilla are just people who aren't LS, that's it, nothing else.
been vanilla shamed in the BDSM community for being ✨monogamous✨. also been called "selfish"
also, people expect the theatrics of p0rn when it's not really like that at all (for most of us). Personally I have some odd kinks because of my Catholic background, but I appreciate true intimacy and closeness which is the biggest turn on I have; *love*
Bro, same
Dafuq is wrong with monogamy? It's not a contest.
Selfish? For what, not sharing your body with them? That is some backwards twilight zone ish
@@AlekeVideos polyamorous people somehow think we're trynna take their rights to fuq around because certain people prefer monogamy. They get downright belligerent about "selfishness" this and "controlling" that. It's stupid and frankly they seem to feel like they have more right to dictate who is what just by people being different than them. That's how people are these days.
@@d011p4rtz yeah I've seen enough people trying to be trendy by getting into polyamory, just to end up in depression cause they wouldn't admit it was not for everyone, including them.
Soon youngsters will look at me funny cause I don't dye my beard lmao.
No kink shaming allowed anywhere but vanilla shaming is absolutely rampant.
You're weird/boring for not liking kinks to a point where some people think kinks are synonymous for the way people tease
This video was very necessary to make. I'm going to share a personal backstory:
I'm a virgin, have never dated in my life (not that I'm not looking), and Christian. I have close friends on YouNow, with one of them no longer living as he took his own life back in December. This guy, Jacobley, was very much into kink and was open about it at times when the subject presented itself, but he never ever shamed those who were vanilla (like me and our fellow friend Morgan). Jacobley gave me advice on just finding a man to begin an emotional connection with and build from there (he was also engaged with a woman who he was emotionally close and loved as well). Then there was a female friend all three of us had for a year that would be slightly condescending about other people's views that were not constructive. When I told her what I feel I'd like my first time to be, she thought that was very sad (Jacobley somewhat thought the same but he just gave me pointers to consider) and doubled down paraphrasing that I'm repressed. There were other things she did that I'm not going to mention here as it would become an essay (it dealt with Morgan's hair being brought up and she talked about me having white privilage...somehow). Come the summer of last year, we all blocked her.
Who is anyone to tell anyone how their first should be? I don't think anyone's first is likely to be their best anyway but I think what makes it special is loving the other person. I lost my virginity ten years ago to someone I loved at the time and in retrospect it was the most basic sex ever but it was super special and romantic to me because I really loved the guy. Are people really out here doing crazy kink their first go around? 😅 jeez. I'm sorry you were put down.
@@LipSyncLover Get this: For me I'd like the lights off with only a single candle lit.
That's nothing and its not like one is in the dark. Besides, in the olden days that's what people had to use at night. She also gasped that I felt like I'd not be a morning *** person if I was with someone.
Jacobley understood that I'm on the typical life journey and was nothing but like an older brother to me in life advice (he was older than me by 3 months). Morgan and the rest of our group miss him very dearly.
When you say dating do you mean a relationship or getting to know someone?
@@HeatherGreenjsyk what if he wants 2 candles instead of one?
Its very specific it made me laugh and there is nothing wrong with 1 candle as long as you want to love each other
But i salute and respect women like you Who wait until mariage because of religion you guys are rare
@@bettyconfettii Isn't actual dating both of those? One can be in a relationship without it involving sex.
Getting vanilla shamed is good. It reassures you that you are in fact still a normal person.
Vanilla is my breakfast and lunch and I’m virgin and will never be a shame to say it
Funnily enough I’m very vanilla when it comes to IRL stuff in the bedroom with my boyfriend vs. the stuff I look at and read online (and occasionally draw) 💀 I can separate the two because one is reality and the other is fiction. Btw thank you for mentioning aftercare; that shit is SUPER important. It feels awful if you don’t do that after doing the deed.
Sometimes the aftercare leads to doing the deed again😅😅😅😊😊😊😊😊
@@keivajones1865 Exaaaactly, you get it 😈 lol
Lol🎉
@@keivajones1865 its a big chance 🤣.
Nothing wrong with being vanilla. Yall getting this wrong.
I’ve been wanting someone to talk about this and get it out there for a long time. The amount of shame I feel for being “boring” and not being into anything kinky has weighed heavy for several years. Any time my partner has wanted to experiment I just feel weird and uncomfortable. I wish it weren’t the case but that’s just how it is
What kind of kinky stuff? Cause if they asked you to pee on them, it's perfectly understandable to feel weird. 😅
@@avivastudios2311 or v*m*t, or d*f*c*te on them 😬
If you feel uncomfortable don't do it. Any true `kinkster` respects the boundaries of their partner and won't` coerce them into something they don't want to do.
Fun bit of info, because some couples have trouble syncing up what they are into/curious about, and just talking about that stuff:
I can't remember the name, but somewhere out there is an app..(could be a website, it's been several years) where you and your partner check on a list what things you want to try or are already into. Then it only shows you both the things you both check marked. That way no one has to be embarrassed about being into something "weird".
This hits hard man. I'm warning young "kinky" women out there, I ruined my intimate life this way. 100%. Only two months of when I started intimacy with some guy friends doing all of the "kinky" stuff and I can tell you I always was afraid of intimacy. I have bad body image issues and never was comfortable with the idea of intimacy up until I was 20 and I totally screwed up my responses in the bedroom. I've been with the same guy for 3 years, we love each other, we're both good looking and are very attracted to each other's looks, bodies, and personalities, but because of me we never figured out our intimate life and we live together. I have a horrible relationship with intimacy, have had an eating disorder for years, and I would say at this point in my relationship we're unfortunately comfortable not having anything going on in the bedroom. I accept my fate but thanks for speaking up about this. Young people more than ever need to hear it. If you recognize yourself in what these guys are saying in the video, or my post, please ask yourself what you can do to change before it is too late. I desperately wish I did things the right way. At least TRY to start out with the basics. Don't jump straight into getting slapped hard on the face and getting hurt. I don't even do that bdsm stuff anymore because it ruined me so much and it's my fault.
Nah, y'all just bored of each other. GGs
Go to therapy
You say you were uncomfortable with intimacy up untill 20 years old as if that is some big age. Really? No woman should be comfortable with sex at 20. Thats virgin territory.
@@veronicaana I’ll preface this by saying that I am not trying to be an asshole or a smartass when asking the following-I am merely curious, lol.
With that said, I can't help but ask what has led you to think/believe that 20 years old is “virgin territory” and “no woman should be comfortable with sex at 20,” precisely?
Omg same things happened to me a year ago ...thanks for sharing this ...hope we heal ❤❤❤
Facts, especially in the LGBT community. Some of them in the community think that because you're not straight it's mandatory that you have to be into some kind of kink or else you're doing a huge disservice to the community. Edit 1: Also people who offer hand jobs: What makes you think that your hand is better than the hand of a person you're offering a hand job to? Edit 2: Normalize asking your sex partner for feedback
@untibrow wow as someone who is also LGBT this is sad to hear. I would say the leather community is LGBT but everything else is up for debate. I swear that community has some of the most sensitive people on the planet.
@untibrow Should've told them killing gay people used to be a part of religious culture 💀 Culture will never be a justification, your culture can just be shit
@untibrow You have more empathy then those people may ever have. Actually caring for children and the very future of this race.
@untibrow thats called 'daddy issues' and disguised as a kink. lmao.
@untibrow That's not an LGBTQ issue. Ageplay is a niche kink in or out of the community, so don't say it like it's a rampant issue. Even so it lets that shit stay in roleplay. Weird and fucked up, yeah, but ain't illegal.
Before I was married I dated this guy who was tall and big, and obviously had some insecurity because the first time we had sex, he brought a vibrator. I was weirded out, but I tried to be nice about it. It felt so forced. When I found my husband, we just wanted EACH OTHER. After 4 kids, we're as vanilla as it gets, and I wouldn't want to be with anyone else.
Showing up to the first date with a prostate massager 🤣🤣🤣
Pain
facts. people think kinks "spice it up" but for how long? it isnt sustainable. you are supposed to be into one another and how you make each other feel and how you compliment each others characteristics etc. it isnt about what trends you can adopt the fastest because like many others have said, most of the time people arent even truly into it, theyre just following a trend to be accepted and seen as "normal"
I don’t think he’s insecure, maybe he’s had most women use it in the past so he wanted to be you to the punch.
He isn't necessarily insecure. Women shame men actually for not wanting a vibe in the room. I think he just wanted you to have as much fun as possible. However I'm glad you found someone more your taste.
People probably shame being vanilla because they wanna big up their own kinks and feel validated for theirs by calling you boring
I started following this channel many months ago. I respect their opinions and I love that they keep it💯 all of the time. It's like a breath of fresh air to see men that will hold everyone accountable no matter the gender
Ass eating is not vanilla at all, Aba.
At best, it’s chocolate.
aYO
😂😂😂😂
Wouldn’t that be at worst?
So what the vanilla swirl then?
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂...it's caca
I'm at the age where boring is the new sexy for me. I've tried stuff (not everything) but I also have no curiosity to try stuff, so anyone that's into hangin off a chandelier, I'm no shaming y'all but that's something that isn't for me. That being said vanilla can be a sign of maturity, meaning yes I've tried stuff and I've settled down and know exactly what I want.
What I like about Aba and Preach is that their content focuses on the little details about life that people rarely talk about. Respect for that coz there is too much content these days that feels like there is no real thought put into it
I’m ok with being vanilla if it means it doesn’t hurt me or make me feel less then. Cause a lot of men like doing certain things too you but don’t realize how it is to be on the receiving end.
Story time from a Male's perspective: Half or more of s** is mental/chemistry not actions. -
I would honestly give myself a 9 out of 10 in bedroom skills, straight vanilla no extra fluff (not a fluff guy in the first place). I had had experince with multiple other ladies previously but currently had been seeing this one girl for a year and change (we're both mid 20's). I hit a point in our relationship where I couldn't finish. I would give my partner mind blowing finishes and I'd sit there doing my thing for an hour, only to go soft and not be able to finish myself. No matter how emotionally connected I felt, nor how intense the passion was and new heights felt in bed, I would feel myself get closer to the climax feeling, and it would just go away magically.
I realized I had put so much mental pressure on myself to perform multiple finishes for my partner because I hated the stereotype of the female never getting hers, and how much shame and embarssement I felt PERSONALY when I fell short. I liked this girl so much I had self-engrained it into me on an emotional level that it was not okay for me to finsh myself. Long story short there was a shift in the bed room to help my mentality until things became equal between us.
That being said physical connection no matter how strong can be undermineded by emotional trauma, lack of connection on a personality level, or lack of physical chemistry. And unless you are willing to work on it or accept that your are not compatible there will be static. Think next time on whether you or your partner is ACTUALLY present, open, and trying to connect with you. If thats not the case... the male might not finsh, but the female is almost definitely not finishing. Everyone is capable of a orgasim, but are you doing it with someone you ACTUALLY want to do it with? Maybe you have emotinal bagage?
Questions to consider.
Despite what it may seem on first glance 90+% of "performance" is in the head - you can be having a 10/10 night but if your mental blocks get in the way it'll turn into 0/10 real quick. It's the same for men and women, one needs a proper mindset to get the most out of it and you can't have true intimacy if there's reservations and blocks.
I think the big part of it is about how vulnerable people feel expressing their “vanilla” preferences. You can’t disconnect from vanilla because it’s all you and not your trauma or being eccentric
Not all people into kink are about reenacting trauma
@@grey011680 I never said that
@@emirnartyzhev2053 apologies if you thought I was accusing you of saying that, but your statement sort of implies that. I wasn't trying to go on the offense just saying not everyone requires a traumatic event. I do agree with vulnerability issues because I have run across a few women who really were affected by trauma
@@grey011680 nah I should’ve made my point more clear, my bad. There are a lot of other reasons to have some sort of kink, I should’ve added “etc” at the end of the comment. But that’s not my main point, my main point is that being judged for your “normal” self is more hurtful.
@@emirnartyzhev2053 very true
I have no shame being vanilla. I am not into weird stuff, whips or bondage, or role playing. I am great at the basics though, I am a professionally trained massage therapist and I learned how to work the female body.
I don't know if you're into boxing, but there's a somewhat common school of thought is that someone who practiced their jab (the weakest punch you can throw) a million times is more dangerous than someone who can throw any punch but hasn't mastered any of them.
Tim Duncan built a HOF career on being elite at the basics.
Being a massage therapist is a cheat code tho
@@Damkids012 start gripping stuff weird when you are lifting heavy objects. Weird grips get your finger strength up quick.
@@FishWhiskey 🧐 I’ll try it. Thanks for the tip
OH?
the points about doing the basics right and freeing your mind are so on point. This is a PSA a lot of people would benefit from hearing
I had an ex that could only get off in public places, and it was horrible. One time she went with me to a doctors visit, and she started climbing on top of me while the doctor was out of the room. She was willing to go all the way, not caring that at any moment, someone could just walk into the room. In fact, I'm pretty sure that's what excited her. I had to basically wrestle her off of me and tell her to cut that sh*t out. I'm pretty sure I would have been banned from going to that doctors office if we had gotten caught doing anything.
"Master the fundamentals" is advice I didn't expect to be so applicable as I became an adult.
I remember making a huge discussion about it with a couple of friends about it. I am so happy that I am not the only one that saw this kind of shaming happening. 🤣
Pretty much agree with everything said in the video.
People tend to know how to be hard, but NEVER how to properly care a body and person, because of the lack of communication and exploration.
However, there are people that really know how to do it and the second you experience it...
That mutual next level nutting orgasm that shakes your entire being, from great caring foreplay, from someone that actually cares about his/her partner, you will never want to go back.
Can we all take a moment to appreciate the masterpiece that is Aba's beard? It's so sharp, it could cut through a bad day. My man is looking fresher than a mint leaf in a mojito! 😂
No homo
The slow burn is one of the best parts of getting to know somebody in my opinion, that being said i’m not one for the casual life. But those initial conversations about what you enjoy are/can be very sensual and add a whole new layer to intimacy that a lot of people are missing out on. Also, sleeping with somebody you have a genuine attraction to mentally and physically is where the real heat is but people just aren’t ready for that I guess 🤷🏻♀️😮💨
This went in a better direction than the title indicated, and I'm glad for that. People really need to think about these things, especially because so often they will just expect their partner to know what to do, or they will just always blame their partners if they don't enjoy themselves, etc. Not to mention, some people blame themselves. I was with a girl once who really didn't like the fact that I don't climax easily, she felt like she was doing something wrong or disappointing me, it took a lot of talking and explaining to make her realize I'm just different and I was actually loving every moment. It can be weird for a woman when she's the one climaxing and the person with the D isn't, so I always try to be conscious of what it's like from the other person's perspective, and I do my best to explain why things are actually going quite well even though the usual signals are a bit off.
Intrusive thoughts during sex is a very common issue for women and many women don't totally understand it and even more men don't, or they don't have compassion for the issue. Women have to actively put down their intrusive thoughts, and men have to help their partners feel safe and wanted. Each partner focusing on making the other feel as good as possible is a great place to start.
quality vanilla icecream is hard to come by but when you get a good vanilla... it's magic.
Vanilla adds depth and aroma to flavours and lifts them up.
Oh wait... this isn't about ice cream.
I think people shame over stuff like this due to their own insecurities, if they aren't confident at the basics of something, they tend to be unnecessarily extra to hide their inadequacy
You know what solves a lot of these problems? Marriage. Having one partner and learning and playing and experimenting with that person. Been married for 11 years and our sex is fantastic and still getting better! He always makes me O bc I feel safe and loved outside and inside the bedroom. Find someone you respect enough to be with and serve for the rest of your life and marry them.
Woah, the timing on this video is amazing. I was recently looking at the BDSM section of reddit, not cause I'm into that, just out of curiosity and there were many people there, men and women, who said that they literally could NOT get off to anything that wasn't extreme kink.
It's so bizarre and they don't even realise how messer up that is. They have some mental health issues. There was this one guy who said that he had to dominate women and be in control in order to be aroused to excited by the sex. It's insane. And they think this makes them interesting or exciting. No! It just makes it look like you weren't loved as a child.
One of these days these kinksters might kill their partner if they're not careful
@@keivajones1865 I think that's already happened dude. Espescially with the choking kink.
Sometimes I think a lot of people hide behind the false "exposure" that comes from a lot of BDSM, because people are more comfortable with being physically exposed vs emotionally exposed with a partner. It's a lot more vulnerable to get down to basics and be with someone when it's just you and your partner in the bed vs a production with all the accessories (not saying everyone in the community that partakes is like this, just a general feeling with it's meteoric rise in popularity).
Yes! Thank you for speaking on this. I am in the BDSM community and having normal intimacy is so important. Knowing yourself is important so that you can guide your partner properly so that you both receive pleasure.
The way people view dating and sex is very discouraging as someone who has never done anything or been in a relationship..
8:09 “I think people want to own that because they want to feel special”
So true and it applies to almost everything every one of us does, not just sex. We want to feel relevant.
Whenever we do something, ask yourself “am I doing this because I want to feel relevant?” If the answer is yes, don’t do it.
You’ll find that like 90% of the things you do are done simply for that reason. You won’t even know who you are anymore.
So much of a strong intimate bond is learning what works for your partner and you both. It's the process of the practice that's so fun!
Have to contradict Aba for a sec. I am* that insecure girl, who has body insecurities, like a million mental stuff...on meds, due to my past. And the fist time my boyfriend touched me, simple touching. (Mind you he loves me and I love him). All of my mental and body issues disappeared *poof* I never felt like that with any other man. I wasnt even in a right "state of mind", I was feeling emo. And his touch took me a to a place far away from where I was mentally. I wasnt "prepared" for it. Just letting other women its possible, with the right man.
There is a book titled "tell me what you want" that delves deep into sexual kinks, fantasies, and varations. In this book, it outliness 7 major categories of kinks, and one of them is intamacy and passion. Those who shame the vinila people probably dont know that it's a very large fantasy to simply have passionate and intimate sex. Its a really good read and i recommend it to anyone who is cerious or having problems in their sex lives.
At 3:34 Preach start sounding like morphius 😂🤣. The pompom matrix 😂🤣
Whatever you do in the bedroom is none of my business. 🤷🏽♂️
Agreed
As a woman, my sex life has increased significantly after learning how to communicate better before, during, and after sex. Now he knows my needs, and I know his. Makes it a lot easier not having to think, “is this working for him?” And just knowing that it’s working 😏
I've been saying "your sexual kinks is just your trauma talking"
Vanilla isn't boring, you're just traumatized
💯💯💯
what if you enjoy both? 🤔
The research seems to show that kinks aren't really correlated with traumatic experiences
@@connorp3030 ppl aren't gonna admit that their kinks are related to their trauma that they actively would like to forget about. it's an unconscious thing your brain does to help you survive in my opinion
@@IsaiahSenku your opinion is pretty dumb
People with trauma are able to know they've had a traumatic experience, theres no evidence of repressed memories outside of people denying knowledge that they've done crimes
When you survey people on sexuality (asking them about lifestyle, sexual experiences, diet, family dynamics etc) traumatic experiences like grape or abuse just aren't common among people with kinks (meaning the overwhelming majority of people with kinks don't have traumatic experiences)
There's a lot more evidence of biological predispositions, for example kinks are often hereditary (e.g twins separated at birth might both be into feet or bondage)
Intuitively makes sense, if you can be predisposed to think a certain way or have a certain emotional profile, why should that stop at sexuality
Preach is right. Being able to enjoy sex is really in the mindset. A guy I slept with very much thought I was attractive and regularly told me so but because I had insecurities about my body I had a difficult time letting loose. He also regularly asked me if I came or not. I wouldn't even let go down on me because I was so worried about his face being so close down there. Sometimes a guy trying to make you feel comfortable and listening to you isn't enough. If there are insecurities that the woman has she's the only one that can overcome it, and this goes for any insecurity and any gender.
Preach is dead on with woman getting an "O" having to let go. My husband and I have achieved it plenty but there are days that I'm like "Babe my heads swamped with other things...This has been fun but I'm not going to get there today. Let's focus on you now to the end. :)"
3:44 Word to Morpheus
Vanilla is the most accommodating flavor. It plays well with all the other flavors
Totally agree with Aba on reading the situation and communicating, caressing, touching etc
I think another part of the issue is people DO stuff they would never talk about.
They'll do kinky stuff in the bedroom, but they can't talk with the same person about what they liked/disliked.
Or even just regular things. But to actually talk about it especially if it's feeling a connection with the person or something outside of yourself. The things that are amazing but that people distrust or seem like weird hippie stuff.
"If you can't talk about it you shouldn't be doing it"-J Peterson.
@@S.M.E.A.C EXACTLY! I had JP in mind when I wrote my comment.