The Science Behind Why Relationships Last Or Fail - Drs John & Julie Gottman
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- čas přidán 25. 07. 2024
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Season 5 Episode 4
What makes for a loving relationship that lasts? For over 40 years Drs. John and Julie Gottman have devoted their life to the research and practice of fostering healthy, long-lasting relationships. Through studying thousands of couples, publishing over 200 academic articles, more than 40 books on the topic and co-founding the Gottman’s Institute, John and Julie have created interventions to change the way that couples relate to each other to help people succeed in the future of their relationships. In the conversation, John and Julie give me a masterclass in everything there is to know about building long lasting relationships, we cover the four key reasons why relationships fail, communication strategies, rituals to cultivate deeper connection and their latest book The Seven Day Love Prescription which distills their work into a seven-day action plan for deeper intimacy. Enjoy :)
00:00 Intro
02:06 Why do we need research about love and relationships?
04:37 Research methodology for analysing couples
06:42 What are the things that predict a relationship will be happy?
07:52 The 4 reasons why relationships fail
16:04 Strategies to overcome anger
18:35 What can people do to overcome conflict in relationships
24:30 Why logic vs emotion is a false dichotomy
33:10 Common mistakes men make in relationships
38:12 Your research into LGBTQ+ relationships
40:18 The biggest difference between men and women in relationships
43:40 Decision making in relationships
48:01 Rituals of connection
51:01 Relationship reviews
56:35 What is the function of marriage?
01:07:31 Is there an ideal age gap?
01:10:44 Relationships therapy and pre-commitment counselling
01:14:12 The love prescription formula
01:26:06 Book writing
🔗 CONNECT WITH JOHN & JULIE
📕 The Seven Day Love Prescription - geni.us/2p6rV0C
📱 The Gottman Card Decks App - www.gottman.com/couples/apps/
💻 Website - www.gottman.com/
🐦 Twitter - / gottmaninst
📸 Instagram - / gottmaninstitute
🎥 CZcams Channel - @TheGottmanInstitute
🔗 CONNECT WITH ALI
🎥 CZcams Channel - @aliabdaal
🐦 Twitter - / aliabdaal
📸 Instagram - / aliabdaal
💻 Website - aliabdaal.com
👥 Linkedin - / ali-abdaal
📚 RESOURCES MENTIONED
A Two Factor Method For Predicting When A Couple Will Divorve - Dr John Gottman and Prof Robert Levinson - bit.ly/3XzR7Oy
The Man's Guide To Women by Drs John & Julie Gottman - geni.us/lPHQxS
Processing A Regrettable Incident Booklet - bit.ly/3xnEcnY
How To not die alone by Logan Ury - geni.us/el85
The Eight Conversations That Matter Most In Relationships - bit.ly/2EkBWlG
Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski - geni.us/A2PU
📄SHOW NOTES & TRANSCRIPT
Visit the website for the transcript and highlights from the conversation - aliabdaal.com/podcast/
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Every time I listen to the Gottmans speak it's such a special experience 😍🥰 I really enjoyed your addition to the union Ali 🙏🏽
They are paying so much attention to each other it facinates me.
I am in tears feeling so thankful that the Gottmans studied this and share. So grateful for all the teachers in life. ❤
I feel like this couple is breathing life into my life, just by listening to them.
Glad you interviewed the Gottmans! Their work into relationships and emotion coaching is incredibly helpful.
I absolutely love how they used to communicate about everything. It is such a blessing and so Healing just to hear them discuss healthy relationships and the fact that abnormalcy is really normal for all humanity.
The part where they mentioned that to tell your point of view calmly like you are watching both you and your partner on a theater stage was a really good one. I will give that a try.
The little things they do just shows how much they love each other you feel that energy exuded so strong 🥺🥺thanks Ali🙏
This podcast in particular needs more eyes on it. So many gems to take home. The Gottman's were lovely and Ali conducted himself well.
The most important things and decisions in our lives are who we choose to have in our lives and how we cultivate those relationships, what we do for a living, and our families / how we raise our children.
And it's absolutely deserving of analysis, research and resources that can teach us the skills we need to succeed in all areas that are important to us.
This interview is a gem!! Coming in the right moment.
I had to listen to this twice. Such great content. Thank you Ali
An amazing interview, very nice points that made me think of relationships in a different way. Thank you Ali for the good content!👍🏻
Thank you Ali. Great episode, very interesting guests!
This is the best podcast I've watched from Ali! The Gotmans are a great couple, and have some really good advice (especially Julie). I can't wait to get a copy of their book and read.
Ali, you asked so many great and practical questions. Amazing interview. Thank you!
Thank you so much for this interview
This video is too good, amazing applicable content
Pumping out the interviews thick and fast I love it. Just about keeping up 😅 Really excited to listen to this one
Great guests great content. Thanks so much!
Thank you, Ali for such an amazing podcast with happy couple💚
The Gottmans are absolutely brilliant
Loved this! Thank you!
Wow, everything they mentioned, all the points analysed are exactly what my boyfriend and best friend talked about. Some tidbits Julie mentioned harkens to a situation my best friend described how she felt towards her boyfriend - sharing this like crazy - thank you, Ali - I am so glad you exist the same timeline as I
17:13 I’m such a pessimist 😔. Some people aren’t psych-minded. For example, Julie says pay attention to your body and sensations that indicate you’re about to get flooded. So many people don’t know how to do that. How to listen to their bodies. They literally don’t know how to truly feel anything that’s real.
Engaging in practices that build a healthy relationship requires a lot of self-awareness and a willingness to see yourself as someone with good and bad traits. You should want to be a healthy person first, and then strive for a healthy relationship.
Some people will never reach that level of self-awareness.
You can also feel yourself getting flooded, but still have to interact with that person about childcare and other shared responsibilities. And the flooding can last for days or weeks. It can be practically impossible not to snap when you are pretty much walking around hating someone you live with and depend on.
I saw a quote from John saying if he could do one thing differently regarding his two failed marriages he said he would leave sooner. I think about that all the time.
I think the fair and obvious assumption here is that they are talking to the audience of this podcast which is self-selected to be open to trying such things. They know their audience.
We need education, knowledge and skills in order to be successful in anything - the areas of our personal lives are no different - self development / personal growth, relationships, parenting, mental health, communication, conflict resolution, self care, productivity, etc., etc.
Watching this after the latest video from the main channel.
Taking notes for future references.
Thanks Ali.
I wonder why Dr Gottman doesn't preface by saying he has a doctorate in clinical psychology, and that Julie doesn't mention how long she's been a couples therapist and her Masters in Psychology. If I hadn't known earlier, I might have assumed they were just another set of pseudoscientific authors that latched onto moneymaking subjects. These guys know their stuff!
Maybe we shouldn’t always devolve arguments to the appeal of authority . Evaluate arguments on their merit independent / respective on the sources from which they arise . I get where you are coming from tho because there can be some fools spewing foolishness online . Maybe they don’t because their work is well known
The title of Dr. Before their names 😅
Perhaps I’m misunderstanding things but isn’t the fallacy of Appeal to Authority only a fallacy if you’re appealing to someone who is an authority on a different subject than the one being discussed?? Like when a pastor uses the example of someone like a dentist (who is a young earth creationist) to prove that a scientist has credibly given weight to the Bible’s theory of how the earth was made?
I think misplaced expertise is why we have so many conspiracy thinking people because they have not assumed an expert in one thing is an expert in all…. The gottman’s are legit researchers and experts in what they are discussing so there is no fallacy in appealing to authority ON THIS SUBJECT. I wouldn’t as for their advice about fixing my car or flying a plane but for this, ok!
Sorry I meant to say they HAVE assumed that (not “they have not assumed that”)
Guess who is NOT an expert in the iPhone keyboard? (Me. It’s me.)
I have just started watching the interview and got yo see that they both were giving importance to each while one was speaking by focusing on the person and i think that one is also good thing to in relationship maybe
Really enjoying the interviews Ali! Thank you for the great content.
An Ali Abdaal interview with these legends is awesome!!!
Congrats on landing such awesome guests! Their work changed my life.
I always go back to this video to remind myself on how much I love my wife.
This is a really great interview. I think that this aspect of maintaining and improving your relationship is not lighted as much as it should be in general. So many people can benefit from information and advice that is given in this podcast. Big thanks Ali and big thanks to the Gottmans for sharing this with us!
I love the gottmans work!
Omgggg I have heard of them for so long.
I love the Gottmans and your questions were spot on, Ali. Thanks to all 3 of you! 🙏
Wow! When she started talking about LGBTQ couples, I felt so proud as a lesbian because it’s so true. I’m not sure why exactly but I think we just consider our relationships and partners more precious, probably partly because there are so few of us that there isn’t always “more fish in the sea” as straight people often say, and partly because we’ve been through a LOT and have had to fight for our right to even have relationships and we have come through it with more self-respect and self-love, and appreciation for each other and the relationship, all of which which makes us better partners than if we hadn’t been through it. ❤
Also, what she said about women always feeling afraid in the world is SO TRUE!! And men don’t get that at all. Thank you Julie for explaining that! 💕
1:26:10 John Gottman mentioned "Come as you are" ~ by Emily Nagoski 📙 is awesome.
33:10 Ali trying so hard not to get cancelled 😂 (interesting conversation)
Omg! Just wow!
Relationships. . a lot of work. You’ve really got to want it.
amazing wealth, interesting it ties into stress and parasympathetic/sympathetic statess
Was there meant to be two ads/sponsored segments back to back x 2? Just noticed it. Anyways thanks for the podcast
Great interview!
Great interview. Wish it had be uploaded a year ago hahahaha
Could someone write here the key points from the interview on why relationships last or fail? Please, I don't understand and I don't know how to speak English, I used google translate.
wanted to speak on the individual being captains, I would think personally that those role may shift from time to time a
instead it being a static or consistent role of power, such as the conservative ideals of a nuclear family, men being the bread winner, its more so the adapting factors or who is more experienced or knowledgeable at such… for me, im the cook of the home, while my partner is better at planning and managing technical details. im more kf the one keeping track of our relationship and finding ways to keep harmony. in a way those traditional gender roles has shifted and those leadership role change to circumstances.
What is the name of the booklet about the 5 steps in conflict resolution? I am interested in the breakdown of all the emotions that we may experience. Can it be purchase?
They sell a cours ethat is excellent
Hey
Number 61 - just like Roger Maris
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I wonder if these styles of communication work if you’re married to an avoidant attachment style person?
No se pueden poner subtítulos en español
💙💙💙
Ali - you are throwing in too many ads.
How do you tell your partner, that it repulses you when they go around the house without wearing their upper teeth because he says they’re uncomfortable and cause a gag reflex?
Is it just me or does it sound like someone is humming in the background?
There is music or something in the background.
I love the Gottmans but have to leave this podcast because of the background noise. Sorry
When did ali become this slow?!
Physically, you look like their son 😊
What is this channel? Ya Allah.. Which one to subscribe to? 🤲🏻🎊❤️🤍💙 Jummah Mubarak Siblings 🎏✅🌐✨🐛📿💡🕊
She said: "This myth that men are more logical then women , women are more emotional then men. Absolutely a lie!"
And she add: "the women need emotional closness in order to be open sexually"
So I see a contradictory phrase here, they are more emotional in sex than men , so in some way they are more emotional, They need some emotional closness for being open sexually. Great interview but with some confusion, I don't really get this point, anyone wants to explain it?
There’s nothing “logical” about sex. It’s all pleasure and emotion. Where’s the contradiction?
@@NN-fz4pd She said: "This myth that men are more logical then women , women are more emotional then men. Absolutely a lie!"
And she add: "the women need emotional closness in order to be open sexually"
can you see the contraddiction?
🤣
She needs to be more humble and loving in front of Her husband !!!
They are not practicing good relationship themselves on this interview. She took over, she has no thoughtfulness that he needs to talk bc he is true expert. I can’t hear him because she talked over. He is bound to feel some discomfort about not having enough chances to speak his mind.
Right here she is not practicing good relationship!!
They are not practicing good relationship themselves on this interview. She took over, she has no thoughtfulness that he needs to talk bc he is true expert. I can’t hear him because she talked over. He is bound to feel some discomfort about not having enough chances to speak his mind.
Right here she is not practicing good relationship!!