Dr. Becky Kennedy: Protocols for Excellent Parenting & Improving Relationships of All Kinds
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- čas přidán 14. 05. 2024
- In this episode, my guest is Dr. Becky Kennedy, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist, bestselling author, and founder of Good Inside, an education platform for parents and parents-to-be. We discuss actionable protocols for raising resilient, emotionally healthy kids and effective alternatives to typical forms of reward and punishment that instead teach children valuable skills and strengthen the parent-child bond. These protocols also apply to other types of relationships: professional, romantic, friendships, siblings, etc.
We explain how to respond to emotional outbursts, rudeness, and entitlement, repair fractured relationships, build self-confidence, and improve interpersonal connections with empathy while maintaining healthy boundaries.
We also discuss how to effectively communicate with children and adults with ADHD, anxiety, learning challenges, or with “deeply feeling” individuals.
The conversation is broadly applicable to all types of social interactions and bonds. By the end of the episode, you will have learned simple yet powerful tools to build healthy relationships with kids, teens, adults, and oneself.
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Dr. Becky Kennedy
Good Inside website: www.goodinside.com
TED talk: www.ted.com/talks/becky_kenne...
Good Inside book: www.goodinside.com/book
Podcast: www.goodinside.com/podcast
Newsletter: www.goodinside.com/newsletter
Instagram: / drbeckyatgoodinside
Facebook: / drbeckyatgoodinside
TikTok: / drbeckyatgoodinside
Threads: www.threads.net/@drbeckyatgoo...
Journal Articles
The tenacious brain: How the anterior mid-cingulate contributes to achieving goals: bit.ly/48p5SZW
Huberman Lab Episodes Mentioned
Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett: How to Understand Emotions: www.hubermanlab.com/episode/d...
The Effects of Cannabis (Marijuana) on the Brain & Body: www.hubermanlab.com/episode/t...
People Mentioned
Gabor Maté: physician and author: drgabormate.com
Ronald Fairburn: psychiatrist and psychoanalyst: psychoanalysis.org.uk/our-aut...
James Hollis: Jungian psychoanalyst and author: jameshollis.net/welcome.htm
Timestamps
00:00:00 Dr. Becky Kennedy
00:02:44 Sponsors: Mateína, Joovv & AeroPress
00:07:35 Healthy Relationships: Sturdiness, Boundaries & Empathy
00:14:34 Tool: Establishing Boundaries
00:18:24 Rules, Boundaries & Connection
00:22:19 Rewards & Punishments; Skill Building
00:29:48 Sponsor: AG1
00:31:16 Kids & Inherent Good
00:34:06 Family Jobs, Validation & Confidence, Giving Hope
00:41:54 Rewards, Pride
00:44:48 Tool: “I Believe You”, Confidence & Safety; Other Relationships
00:52:15 Trauma, Aloneness & Repair
00:57:07 Tool: Repair & Apologies, Rejecting Apology
01:01:04 Tool: Good Apologies
01:03:35 Sponsor: InsideTracker
01:04:37 Tool: Rudeness & Disrespect, Most Generous Interpretation
01:12:32 Walking on Eggshells, Pilot Analogy & Emotional Outbursts, Sturdy Leadership
01:20:49 Deeply Feeling Kids; Fears, Sensory Overload
01:30:10 Co-Parenting Differences & Punishment
01:37:11 Tool: Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD); Meditation
01:41:20 Tool: Tolerating Frustration, Screen Time, Learning
01:51:57 Grace & Parenthood, Parenting Job Description; Relationship to Self
01:55:24 Tool: “I’m Noticing”, Asking Questions; Emotional Regulation
02:01:15 Adolescence & Critical Needs, Explorers vs. Nomads
02:09:58 Saying “I Love You”, Teenagers; Family Meetings
02:15:07 Self-Care, Rage & Boundaries; Sturdy Leaders; Parent Relationship & Conflict
02:22:08 Tool: Wayward Teens, Marijuana & Substance Use, Getting Additional Help
02:30:03 Mentors
02:34:26 Tool: Entitlement, Fear & Frustration
02:41:57 Tool: Experiencing Frustration; Chores & Allowance
02:46:31 Good Inside Platform
02:51:27 Zero-Cost Support, Spotify & Apple Reviews, CZcams Feedback, Sponsors, Momentous, Social Media, Neural Network Newsletter
#HubermanLab #Parenting #Relationships
Title Card Photo Credit: Mike Blabac - www.blabacphoto.com
Disclaimer: www.hubermanlab.com/disclaimer - Věda a technologie
This is probably one of my favorite podcasts I have ever listen to. I have two kids and my 4 year old son is my “tough kid” to the point where I am worried about Kindergarten in September and the topic of meds being brought up at school. There were times when I had to pause this podcast to keep myself from crying because it hit so close to home. I had no idea my parenting strategies were making him feel so isolated and unsafe. That night I used the cues from this podcast and put away my assumptions I thought were correct/true. It completely changed the tone in the family dynamics. My son was literally coming to me and leaning into me because I used the terms I believe you, your feelings are right, I am going to keep you safe. We got through dinner, bath time, and bedtime without the soul draining battles that are our rituals. For me, this podcast changed the course of my relationship with my son. I have a fresh perspective of his “bad kid” status and finally feel like I have some tools to reach him on a level that feels genuine to him. Just really blew my mind. When Dr. Kennedy said “ I think you have a good kid” the waterworks started. Also, the way she is open about her imperfect parenting. Especially the occasional yelling admission was so reassuring that sometimes your best isn’t great but the permission to move on from it… chef’s kiss. Thank you for the lab but especially for this one
Your comment made me cry 😭
Sending you a big hug. I have a kiddo who it’s taken time too to shift perspective because this is so hard, and dealing with multiple kids, each w their own personalities, is so hard. It’s so helpful to take time to learn, and really reflect on what we can do better. You truly are the leader of your family, and the tone we set can be life changing. Congrats to you for making these shifts.
I cried reading this. Kudos to you and your little onr ❤
“Hold onto your kids”
Read this
I'm so happy for you to have found this podcast and it helped you find tools to help connect with your son. God bless you for wanting the best for your child.❤
15:43 🛡 Boundaries are what we tell someone we will do and they require the other person to do nothing. This clear definition helps in assessing whether a boundary was properly set.
16:53 🛡 A boundary intervention shouldn't rely on a child's compliance but should involve actions taken by the parent to uphold the boundary, ensuring the parent maintains their role as a leader.
17:49 🛡 Setting boundaries may lead to uncomfortable situations, but it's essential for maintaining personal needs and roles within relationships, whether with children or in-laws.
19:09 🧠 Boundaries and empathy are not mutually exclusive in parenting; they are complementary forces that work together.
22:24 💡 When considering rewarding kids, it's important to evaluate the balance of rewards, punishments, and incentives within the framework of boundaries and empathy.
24:14 📚 Questioning the traditional approach to rewards and punishments in parenting, Dr. Becky Kennedy advocates for understanding the underlying assumptions and seeking better long-term strategies.
28:12 🏡 Kids inherently desire purpose and meaningful contribution within their family unit, which can be fostered through understanding and collaboration rather than solely relying on rewards or bribes.
31:27 🧠 Recognizing and respecting children's inherent desires and feelings is crucial, balancing the need for guidance with allowing space for their individual preferences and autonomy.
36:35 🔄 The concept of "impingement" involves navigating the balance between encouraging children to expand their comfort zones while respecting their inherent desires and boundaries, which is a nuanced aspect of parenting.
37:33 🏡 Dr. Becky Kennedy suggests using "family jobs" as a framework for parenting, defining roles like setting boundaries and validating children's experiences.
38:42 🤝 Acknowledging and validating children's feelings without letting those feelings dictate decisions helps build their confidence and self-trust.
39:52 🛌 Offering support and understanding to children while encouraging them to face uncomfortable situations helps them develop resilience and coping skills.
40:49 💡 Balancing between not letting children's feelings dictate decisions and respecting boundaries is crucial for effective parenting.
45:08 🧠 Saying "I believe you" to someone acknowledges their reality and fosters a sense of being heard, which is essential for building confidence and trust.
48:58 🤗 Validating children's emotions by saying "I believe you" instead of dismissing or minimizing their experiences helps them feel understood and supported.
51:30 🤝 Beginning conversations with "I'm so glad you're talking to me about this" and "I believe you" creates an open and supportive environment in various relationships, fostering trust and understanding.
56:02 🛠 Kids often blame themselves or doubt themselves after being yelled at, leading to difficulties in regulating emotions and trusting themselves.
57:53 💡 Repairing relationships with children starts with repairing with oneself as a parent, separating behavior from identity.
58:49 🗣 Apologizing to children should focus on genuine remorse without placing blame or expecting forgiveness, fostering trust and safety.
01:00:12 🔄 Simple yet potent phrases like "I believe you" are crucial for stress modulation and navigating parenting challenges in real-time.
01:02:15 🧠 Building emotional regulation skills in children requires consistent practice and simulations, not just reacting in the moment.
01:10:29 🤐 Sometimes, doing nothing in response to rudeness or outbursts can be more effective than engaging in a ping-pong match of words.
01:11:41 🤝 Validating children's feelings while setting boundaries helps them understand and manage their emotions in healthier ways.
01:12:49 🔒 Parents should balance between setting boundaries and fostering safety, avoiding being controlled by fear while ensuring children feel secure.
01:14:27 🛑 Parents should avoid corporal punishment, as it can lead to fear and intimidation in children, hindering the development of a healthy parent-child relationship.
01:15:24 🚸 Children, especially deeply feeling kids, may express intense emotions like tantrums and aggression due to their inability to regulate feelings effectively.
01:17:27 📈 The concept of "deeply feeling kids" resonates with many parents and individuals, indicating a growing awareness of children who experience emotions intensely.
01:19:36 🎬 Parents of deeply feeling kids can establish boundaries by communicating clearly and consistently, ensuring safety while validating their children's emotions.
01:22:59 🌟 Deeply feeling kids may demonstrate heightened sensitivity to sensory stimuli, affecting various aspects of their lives and interactions.
01:25:31 💔 Deeply feeling kids may struggle with feelings of shame and abandonment, making it challenging for them to express vulnerability and receive love.
01:27:59 🔍 There's a growing recognition of deeply feeling kids, potentially associated with factors like neurodivergence and environmental stimuli, impacting their emotional experiences.
01:29:37 🎭 Many successful performers likely fall into the category of deeply feeling individuals, as their art often evokes intense emotions and connections with audiences.
01:32:07 🕒 Dr. Becky Kennedy doesn't believe in timeouts or punishment for children, considering them ineffective and unhelpful.
01:33:55 📞 Prioritizing understanding the child's experience over blaming the other parent is crucial in co-parenting, focusing on communication and collaboration.
01:39:15 🤝 Working with, rather than against, children fosters successful communication and problem-solving, emphasizing teamwork and understanding.
01:41:48 📱 Dr. Becky emphasizes the importance of teaching children to tolerate frustration amidst today's instant gratification culture, critical for learning and resilience.
01:47:49 🎨 Encouraging children to embrace the learning space by tolerating frustration builds resilience and self-belief, essential for long-term success.
01:49:40 🧠 Understanding the neuroscience of resilience reveals the importance of doing hard things, which translates to success in various endeavors.
01:51:46 🧒🏽 It's crucial for parents to recognize that they haven't "messed up" their kids forever, acknowledging the challenges of parenting and advocating for available resources.
01:54:49 🚗 Emphasizing the metaphor of emotions as passengers in a car helps children understand that feelings shouldn't take over the driver's seat.
01:55:32 💡 Encouraging children to reflect on their successes helps reinforce positive behavior and builds resilience.
01:59:27 🤔 Teaching children to recognize and label a wide range of emotions fosters emotional intelligence and resilience.
02:02:20 👩👧👦 Understanding the developmental needs of adolescents includes acknowledging their need for independence, identity formation, and continued connection with parents.
02:07:41 🔄 Childhood attachment circuits persist into adulthood, influencing relationships.
02:09:23 🚸 Children's exploratory behavior is tethered by periodic checks for parental presence.
02:10:31 💬 Remind children of unconditional love regardless of behavior, without condoning negative actions.
02:12:08 🤝 Approach teen relationships by seeking understanding rather than judgment.
02:13:16 📋 Family meetings can be beneficial for problem-solving and fostering understanding.
02:14:39 💡 In ongoing conflicts, involve children in problem-solving to empower and build trust.
02:15:18 🏠 Parents' self-care and boundaries are essential for healthy family dynamics.
02:17:53 🔥 Parental rage often stems from unmet personal needs, highlighting the importance of self-care.
02:19:45 🌱 Children learn about adult relationships through parental behavior and communication.
02:22:17 🚨 Recognize signs of distress in teens and intervene when their behavior affects overall functioning.
02:26:11 💡 Seeking additional help for family issues is a sign of strength and what's right with a family, not just an indication of problems.
02:26:54 💬 Parents should maintain boundaries and enforce necessary interventions for their child's well-being, even if it means overcoming resistance or objections.
02:28:43 🌱 Adolescence is a crucial period where parents need to transition from being the pilot to empowering their teens to take control of their lives gradually.
02:31:16 🌟 It's healthy for children to have various sources of positive influence and guidance beyond their parents, which contributes to their overall development.
02:38:35 ⚠ Entitlement often stems from a deep fear of frustration, where individuals expect immediate gratification and struggle to tolerate discomfort or setbacks.
02:41:24 🔀 Balancing gratitude with healthy entitlement requires parents to provide experiences that include frustration and challenges, regardless of financial means.
02:43:26 🛒 Teach kids life lessons by involving them in everyday tasks and errands, showing them that sometimes they have to do things they don't want to do.
02:45:31 💰 Consider your goals when deciding whether to pay kids for chores; focus on teaching responsibility and the value of contributing to the household.
02:47:37 🌱 Dr. Becky Kennedy emphasizes translating deep thoughts into practical strategies, aiming to provide actionable tools for parents and kids to improve their relationships.
Thank you!
Wow, that's some diligent listening and note-taking! Thank you. These lengthy podcasts are super interesting but quite time consuming. I love this coles notes version although some context is lost if you don't listen through the full conversation.
@@natalial007 They are from the Academia, they get paid to just talk, so structure is not their strong point.
Thankyou:)
Thank you 😊
¡Hola Profe! Parenting is hard. It's 24/7,no vacation and no retirement. It is most underrated and most valuable job in the world,fueled only with love. Thank You for all Your hard work.
This is really well said.
It's a beautiful experience though. I don't see raising my son as a job, but more as part of my life purpose. It's another expression of pure love that I get to enjoy. All that "hard work" pays off when I see that my son is growing happy and healthy and lighting up other people's lives despite the not so perfect circumstances around us. We learn from each other and grow together.
Much love! 💖
It’s is such a rewarding experience. At their 24th year or so you get your result. They generally turn out as a combination of both parents plus the experience they grew up with. An amazing thing.
I see it as more of a duty
It’s not a job.
The thing that no one can see or measure. "I believe you." A core need for confidence in humans. Wow, this is so valuable.
I believe you
This reminds me of the book, the little prince
I immediately started using this with my 8 and 6 year olds. It is so powerful. Game changer is too small an expression. Can quite literally be a life changer for my boys.
But why do we believe Becky? Because we agree with her ideology? Was there much fact and 'data' supporting this stuff.
@@kiwibloke2000 It's a fair point. I have listened to her book and I'll say I'm semi-qualified to provide some additional support as a former board certified behavior analyst and a masters degree in behavior analysis. First, her book starts by saying that behaviorism seeks to establish external rewards and punishments as the sole means to address behavior and that a solely external approach to behavior is why behaviorism fails. Then the rest of her book is strongly grounded in behaviorism, though not the behaviorism she presents in its most simplistic and often misunderstood form. As an aside, I understand this from behaviorism common practical applications; though from a theoretical perspective we can understand her approach using two primary concepts used in behavior analysis: establishing operations and functionally equivalent replacement behavior. This is a bit simplistic in itself, but this is an already too long reply so I'll be brief (for me). Establishing operations are from the work of Dr. Jack Michael that in order for a behavior to occur there needs to be a form of deprivation or averse condition to evoke behavior. Well supported in the literature, I used to work in his lab. The practical application is a functional analysis by which a behaviorist seeks to understand the environmental conditions necessary to evoke the behavior first in order to appropriately address that behavior. This is exactly what she is talking about in say that the most generous interpretation of behavior needs to look to the underlying cause of the behavior. Humans are exceedingly complex as we can establish operations through rule governance that can create an almost identical condition as the actual condition through our verbal behavior. Once a functional analysis determines why the behavior occurs, there are two things the parent does: reduce the effectiveness of the establishing operation and/or teach a functionally equivalent replacement behavior. The "I believe you" is clear to me as an attempt to lessen the impact of autonomic arousal elicited as part of the response to the the establishing operation, so the child can access functionally equivalent replacement behaviors. In other words, the autonomic arousal (emotion response) interferes rule statements that need to be established for most adaptive higher-order functionally equivalent behaviors to occur. Functionally equivalent behaviors are well studied as well. I personally believe the paradigm she sets out it one that makes sense in this context. I've already written too much but could talk about this for hours. I think if she understood what she was doing from a behaviorist perspective she would be able to partition out these and other variables to more systematically collect data on her tools. For now though, it is sufficient for me as a parent of two to see if these tools work as I suspect they will (and have initially). Since there is little potential harm from the intervention, I see it as a low risk intervention. Unless there is disagree on the harm piece, which I would certainly appreciate an explanation of that perspective. An idea unchallenged is not worth much. So I'm doing my own data collection with an n=2 in an A-B study. My findings my not be generalizable, but for me they don't need to be. I think it is always important to say that you shouldn't make general rules from individual experiences, and you shouldn't decided an individual's experience from general rules based on statistical outcomes.
This episode made me feel closer to my mom. I’m an 18 yo college student who recently left home and this episode honestly made me cry because of how grateful I am for my mother. Thank you for making me feel grateful.
Call her and tell her that ❤
I hope my kid will listen to Huberman when they’re 18
Yes, do call her even if you don't want to get sentimental. I can almost 100% guarantee that she misses you a lot more than she feels is fair to tell you.
p
Well, now you have another person cry, ❤ this is incredible. Bless your heart! This gives me soo much encouragement ❤❤❤❤ I hope your mom reads this
This is the type of episode that, as a parent, I should listen to once a month. It all sounds so wonderful and makes sense when listening to it, but for some reason, my brain kicks it out the window within a short timeline.
The tools and the healthy boundaries are so wonderful to keep as a running narrative when raising your children.
I cried a few times throughout this episode. As a 34 yo woman who's trying to (re)parent myself and learning how to communicate appropriately with the people around me... wow! I don't have enough words to describe how this whole conversation felt. It has brought some AMAZING actionable tools to improve my relationship with myself and other (hopefully I'd be able to implement them) and with such love and clarity. I don't have kids and don't know if i will ever be equipped to do that, but I now think I was (and probably still am) a 'deeply feeling kid'... trying to heal, understand and support myself. Amazing episode!!❤❤❤ thank you for this
Same here, having to do it all over again from scratch. We get this chance for round 2 to be our own mother and father with whatever tools we’ve gathered along the way and all the compassion we need. There was never anything wrong with us, with who we are in our essence, and because of that we deserve to put all the love we have into our lil child self ❤all the best in your re-parenting journey
I cried a few times too! Was sooo powerful!! Much love to you ❤❤
All of her interventions are based on attachment theory and emotion regulation. The idea that the parts/emotions/behaviors which we shame in our children are the same parts of themselves they will battle with in adulthood. They are the same parts of ourselves that will either dominate us or that we'll fear. Being "whole" is what a parent offers when they show up for a child who is seeking autonomy or connection. The explorer/nomad metaphor is great. Children without a "master nervous system" ie a "calm enough" parent will "fragment", meaning there will be parts of themselves in adulthood that they won't have access to. The "not me" parts of self. The little children who live inside all of us and had to adapt to our environment to "survive". The past is never dead, it's not even past. Unless we "resolve" our childhood memories and befriend the parts of self we had to abandon to "get along", we will seek those parts out in others. Oops rant over.
Me too!!! When she said “it’s never your fault when I yell” 😩😩😩. And the story of the teen who yelled at her parents to get out and when she opened the door they weren’t there 😭😭. Oof. I listened to her book and found it super helpful but for some reason this interview just landed in such a deep way.
50 minutes in and this is the most enlightening huberman episode I’ve listened to yet. I don’t have children but I have nieces and nephews and people who work for me and this content is so clear and simple to digest. Goood shtuff
The value of this conversation cannot be overstated. Fantastic.
Facts. This episode is gold.
These discussions are necessary now more than ever! We need to stop passing down generations of unresolved issues unintentionally…thank you for doing this! If we can create mindful kids by being mindful parents….could you imagine the changes in the world? Worth it for something you truly love…being responsible for another life (well, 4 over here) has been a lesson in humility, 💯🙏
That's correct ❤ never get stopped rocket man!
All of my time listening to Prof. Huberman has been targeted towards one goal: becoming a better father and husband.
Sir, along with many others, you have helped improve my life more than I ever thought possible.
Now, this interview exists. I'm all in on this one, my good man.
Say it again homie!❤
100% sir.
This episode couldn't have come at a better time for my wife and I. We're expecting our first child in June this year and I know these protocols will be invaluable to us!
congratulations to you and your wife 😊
Soak it up and take it slow. You got this, captain 🫡
Congratulations to you and your wife! I hope that y’all have a happy healthy baby. Patience and communication. You got this!
Congratulations!!
Listening to Dr Becky regularly has been an invaluable source of support on my parenting journey.
I would love to hear a podcast on "unschooling"/ "homeschooling"/ "alternative education". Thank you for what you do! ❤
As an auntie who doesn't plan on having children, I think they are our greatest teachers. That boundless energy and pure authenticity they have can teach us so much.
Accurate.
Haha and thats how you know youre the aunt. I once had to tell my kid to stop putting jelly on the cat so she could lick it off. No, i would say the cat was the greatest teacher that day because he wasnt too happy, but my daughter learned.
Andrew is sooo incredibly intelligent. I loved watching him stumble thru a subject that he is obviously uncomfortable with. Even though the vernacular and theories aren’t what he is used to, his fascination with the subject was visible. Awesome interview!!
Yippee!
More about children please. She grows and im lost! 😅
Their phases change so fast!
Keep validating her emotions!
I watch every single week and I’M SO EXCITED for this 🎉❤
I’m a teacher and mother of 2, plus I educate parents on discipline. I really love Dr. Becky’s work.
Thank you, Dr. Huberman!
I believe you
I laughed, I cried, I relistened three times. Thank you so so much for this.
I appreciate all of your work, but this has to be one of THE MOST practical and useful episodes to date. Parenting is such a tricky thing these days and the simple revelations in this episode were mind-blowing! Thank you!
1) Thanks for helping us parents, by discussing our situations on your pod.
2) Apperantly, I'm an awesome parent.
3) But why do I still then feel so inadequate as a parent.
This video by Dr. Becky Kennedy is an absolute gem for anyone navigating the complexities of parenting and relationships. Her insightful protocols offer practical tools to foster connection, understanding, and growth within families and beyond. The emphasis on empathy, communication, and mutual respect resonates deeply, making this a must-watch for anyone striving to cultivate healthier relationships. Thank you, Dr. Becky, for sharing your wisdom and expertise!
Growing up in a house with no rules. Rules are needed for growth and to establish boundaries.
Thank you for this! ❤
Looks like something my parents needed. I don't want to be like them so this is game changing information. Integrating this to all kinds of relationships.
Super powerful...Thank you so much for bringing such a real voice to the masses. I'm a middle school counselor and am linking this podcast and Dr. Kennedy's Ted Talk to my upcoming parent/teacher conference letter to families. Our community needs these tools and our kiddos deserve to be taught these skills. I'm also a mom to a 20 and 18 year old and I find myslef forgiving my own parents and myself for our lack of tools and strategies when regulation was not on our side. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
This episode was incredibly powerful for…all humans. Both Dr. Kennedy’s insights as well as Dr. Huberman’s skilled questions and steering of the interview have made this episode one to bookmark and one to share. With an abundance of gratitude,
A Fellow Human
Wow. Wow. Wow. I loved this so much. I became a mom at 16 and aside from the fact that I was so young I knew all the basics but as the years have gone by I have learned so much not only from books I read while pregnant but also from people like Dr. Kennedy. It’s reassuring to know that I am on the right track and even greater to learn more from this podcast. This is so insightful now as my daughter is a teen and for any future children that I may conceive. I loved the way it was well put. This parenting job is very impactful to the world as our children will be the future. Thank you for this! Loved this episode and Love Dr. Huberman.
I can’t express how excited my husband and I are to listen to this. I had been wanting an episode on pregnancy and/or parenting as soon as I found out we are expecting our baby. I already followed Dr. Kennedy and had her book in my Amazon cart, and so having a podcast episode with her is exactly what we needed. More on parenting please!
This episode helped ME heal. I will be listening to multiple times- with a baby on the way- such a helpful episode on so many levels. Thank you!!
I loooove listening to these 2 talk to each other. They are both such active, deep, and contemplative listeners, and the conversation follows a path, without interruption or one person having a strong pull. One person inspires the next person's question or answer. You can hear how much they respect each other. Good job guys.
She touches on some of the things Nicholeen Peck has been saying for decades. Great podcast! Glad to hear these ideas are starting to go more mainstream.
Providing children with skills for emotional expression and behavioral management is very important. Thank you Dr. Kennedy.
What an incredible podcast! I stopped every few minutes to take notes, and sent the episode to my husband as well. Wonderful conversation, real life situations and pragmatic solutions for those of us struggling as parents. Thank you so much!
Wish I could've viewed this when my kiddos were small. The thing about parenting skills is that one skill may work for one kid and not the other. They are all vastly different.
Loved this conversation, especially Dr Kennedy’s thoughts on ‘Deeply Feeling Kids’. I am very familiar with Dr Elaine Aron’s concept of Highly Sensitive People, but the way Dr Kennedy explained HSP children was so helpful. I identify as an HSP mom, with two HSP children, one of whom absolutely pushes me away when I empathise with them. All of the typical positive parenting advice just doesn’t seem to work with them, and now I understand why. Thank you 🙏🏻
"You slip a door under the note"... 😊did anyone else catch this?
Becky is real and I believe her words are the best parenting practices I have heard, even when she flip reverses door and note.
Stellar ways of handling tough situations
Dr. Kennedy sounds so much like my mother.
I'm 38 now, and I'm finding myself sitting here remembering back and thinking, 'oh that's why she did this',. I have always been happy about who my mom is, and one of my favorite trait that she has is, is then she would tell me not to do something, she would always try and tell me why, bit just 'because I said so', but like, 'is you dart out into traffic the drivers might not see you because you are so sort of because the good is so high', it something similar.
I'm a parent to two boys who, I believe, after listening to this, are deeply feeling kids. My youngest moreso. I have been worried that he is on the ASD spectrum even though his pediatrician is not concerned. This was so validating and eye opening to me and quite honestly I had to pause this several times to either sit and process what was just said, or cry. I've been invalidating my kids for fear of them not fitting in or being different, as a reflection of myself and my parenting. I instantly purchased her book after this episode. Thank you for the eye opening and, I hope, life changing content.
She's incredible. As are you. Way to go! Your kids are so lucky to have you
In my household, we had Rules. I laid out the rule as well as the reason for the rule. The reason for the rule was something reasonable, not just "because I said so" or "because mom has triggers." Then we had Rule-Rules which were critically important that would never be broken for any reason. And the reason for the rule-rule was given at the time it was established. The benefit of being a single mom was that they did not have a second adult making conflicting rules or breaking the rules that were agreed upon. Each day, the girls had 3 chances to break the rules. I would keep count. If they got to three, they would know by the time they reached 3, they would know the consequences. They were not held in contempt for the rules they may have broke that earned them a one or a two. But a 3 got them the consequence (such as losing privilege, a toy or something they were looking forward to, or going to bed early). The girls rarely got to 3, and they woke up each day in a forgiven status. I know the strategy worked because my daughter told me about a time that her school announced a new rule about not wearing hats at school. While all the other kids were outraged and complained, my daughter automatically considered the reasons for the rule and was ok with it, because the reasons were valid.
Validating our kids feelings should come out of respect. They are a human being too ! Love the episode. Thank you!
I don't have kids and don't plan to, but my fiance and I found SO MUCH VALUE in this episode in understanding how we were raised, why we feel and act the way we do, and how to reparent ourselves and better relate and communicate to each other in more supportive and validating ways. Thank you so much for having Dr. Kennedy on and sharing this gold. Much appreciated!! 💖💖💖
Going to be a father soon. Although it wasn't planned, I am so excited and happy, but at the same time, I'm so scared to fail. This podcast gave me a lot of useful tools that I'll try to use to provide my child a safe and comprehensive environment for her to grow in. I feel a lot less stressed knowing about these tools. Thank you for sharing your valuable knowledge with us.
You got this.
I have to connect these ‘highly feeling’ kids to us HSPs. These are 15-20% of the population and I never heard of it until my late 20’s and it was beyond validating. I would love a podcast on highly sensitives. There is major science on this!
Yes, thank you! I came to the comment section just to add this! The trait is Sensory Processing Sensitivity and what she was describing is spot on.
The most enlightening podcast I’ve listened to in a year. Dr. Huberman barely has to say anything and is such a great host. Dr. Becky is great. I learned so much about myself in relationships with others on top of parenting. I will watch again to learn the language of parenting further! 🎉🎉
Cannot thank Andrew Huberman enough for directing us parents to this amazing resource! Navigating the world of parenting is a minefield! Dr. Kennedy provides a behavioral focused perspective based on intrinsic reinforcement rather than external rewards-I hope educators can also listen and benefit from her work. Such an amazing, truly life changing episode to listen to-thank you!
Hi Andrew, the show was utterly fantastic. Hearing you speak about trauma, Dr. Kennedy brought up the psychologist Dr. Gabor Mate to mind who has an incredibly rich and unique interpretation of trauma. Please have him on, it would be a legendary conversation!
Entitlement: The Fear of Frustration
Confidence: Self Belief
Perfection: Creepy
Some beautiful definitions from Dr. Becky that hit Huberman hard, and should help parents everywhere.
This conversation is not only a toolkit for parents, but a healing validator for (adult) children of ‘unsturdy’ parents. Thank you.
Phenomenal! I was sad when the podcast was over. Please have Dr. Becky Kennedy back. The knowledge brought to the table and your rapport made it “Oh so good !”
Wow! What an incredibly healing podcast even for an adult (like myself), and what a powerful toolbox for better connections and leadership. Thank you!
Do one for TEENAGERS!!!!!! PLEASE
I believe you! How many times I hoped for some kind of assurance like that. How powerful are those words. I have been listening to this episode in chapters because I have to stop crying and process all the emotions inside me. I want to thank you Dr. Becky, for such clarity, and for confirming all I thought was right and never had the opportunity to discuss with someone. I had this feeling of abandonment from an early age. Total helplessness. Grew up with trust and self confidence issues. Thought I was invisible. And I used my broken self to do the opposite with my child. The purpose is to make him know - a truly, deeply ingrained knowledge - that he exists and is safe. Period. I never had this clarity but I can look back and see that my efforts with him were always in that direction. And now you gave me clarity - and the tools - to keep doing this job with him and hopefully with the little hurt girl that still lives inside me. So thank you, truly.
On listen #2 as a purposeful parent. This conversation is POWERFUL for humanity as a whole.
Why can't we recognize that so many of those "sensitive" kids were just in the autistic spectrum? Everything you said about it, I can recognize in my autistic self and my autistic kid. The sounds. The feelings. The smells. Everything.
Why is everyone and everything autistic all of a sudden?
Once again another great topic and well timed for me as a parent of 2 girls 9 and 11 trying to be a good dad I can, thank you for this s great podcast
Best podcast on parenting I've listened to. I've recommended it to my friends, family and clients. Thank you Andrew ❤
I tried to do this technique yesterday with my daughter who wanted to stay over my mother in laws house with her cousin and play. I said I know that really hard I can understand you wanting to stay and have fun with you cousin. I told her but I can't let you stay here and if you don't leave I'll have to carry you out to the car. She was fighting getting into the car seat. I reiterated empathy but told her I was not going to let her stay but still fought the car seat. I am not gonna be physical with my kid and fight her into the car seat and have her fight me back. It feels wrong. So what do I do then. If you don't let me put you in the car seat then I am gonna do what...? So all I had left in my toolbox was punishment and so I failed. Like sometimes this isn't so black and white. Easy just do this. It's not applicable all the time.
But also remember:
Just because you tried this new technique does not mean suddenly going to magically work…
It all requires reinforcement and repetition.
When the kid things your weak, and suddenly one day decide to show power. They know it’s fake.
Cuz you been a certain way ( I.e weak) for the last 3-4-5-6 years…
And what,!’ Suddenly in one day it all changes?
Nope… they won’t believe that.
They need to experience it and feel it
@@Ari-zp4dd I have done some form of this for while now so I wouldnt say it's all to different than my traditional parenting style. I think its a little brash to be calling any parenting besides this weak. I would say even with consistency it has situations in which it fails. You are making it seem as if I am consistent that one day my child will magically no longer throw fits but I dont think in this case cause children's brains are not fully developed. There are going to be situations just like I said "where the parent is required to do something to set a boundary" would require the parent to be physical in way that is not healthy or there are no options that a parent can be an active participant in changing. Even if it is the final result that my child will be angel all the time if I am consistent what do I do with these occasions in the meantime.
It can happen that this will not always work. What i do in that case is stay with the child for as long as it takes for them to calm down, without getting physical. Like taking him from the setting and if he fights back getting in the seat, then just stay in the car or by the car with him. Very often it helps to not be very verbal, maybe saying "i can see this is very hard now and you are upset, i understand and i'll be here with you" and be present and give them space to live their emotions. Then allow at least 2mins (on average the emotional wave takes 90seconds to pass) for them to be as they wish. They will calm quite out of a sudden
@@TheAndreeap Thank you! This does seem like a reasonable solution.
Walk in the park. i have 8 children, 5 boys, 3 girls 😅
This is one of the best talks I ever heard. So deep, honest and truthful in how we should deal with our kids. Again many of us need to hear it, as we cannot find clarity in those difficult moments with kids.I have shared it with many of my friends parents and will listen many more times, honestly. Talk made me cry few times, when it made me face expressions of bare truth and how it can be done the right way.
A very needed topic. Thank you Dr. Andrew Huberman for enriching us with information.
I agree! It is very needed!
"I believe you." Saying this and hearing this, it feels so incredibly powerful. Very profound episode, I am very grateful to have listened. I am excited to start implementing the knowledge I gained by listening to this episode with my kiddo, thank you! I will certainly be recommending this episode to every parent I know.
This is truly beautiful ❤️ two of the great minds of our time meet. The questions and conversation is amazing. Thank you!!!!!!!!!!! 🙏👼❣️
Crazy amazing conversation. I wouldn’t mind if you had Dr Kennedy back for more!
this really gave me the confidence in becoming a father. gave me chills on how valuable the information in this podcast
As a parent of three young boys who is floundering at times and and filled with self-doubt, this episode hit home. Dr Becky, your words resonate so deeply and I think you've just changed many lives for the better. Thank you so much.
The 1 thing that I learned and this episode confirmed is that at the very least at some point we need to see that even though we might not have kids, we have the responsibility to at least learn to parent/coach ourselves in a healthy manner. A community is built up of individuals and if we are at least mature enough to learn and take accountability and responsibility for our own growth, we along with those around us will benefit. A win win for everyone 😊
My first daughter was born 24-2-24. This could not of came at a better time for me and my wife.
the impact you've made on my child though me is incomparable. Thank you
Clearly one of THE BEST shows you have ever had! Thank you!
EXCELLENT! So so good! Everyone wants to be seen. Letting someone know they are capable and you believe in them.
I read the book Good Inside it was truly amazing I definately recommend it, I am so happy Dr. Huberman invited Dr. Kennedy
Dr Becky is changing the world. Not only is she teaching parents skills for raising amazing humans, she’s validating our own experiences and helping parents heal from the ways we were and weren’t raised. It’s like “oh, my parents did a poor job parenting me…because they didn’t know better. I get to learn these skills now and do better.” She talks about kids not having the “skills” to do something , and it’s the same for us as parents, except that she is so graciously teaching us the skills.
Dr Becky's work is incredible. As a father myself now and someone who had a lot of Trauma growing up, her work has help me so much. Thank you Andrew for having her on your show.
I was just talking about Dr Becky to my fiancé yesterday and then this drops today. THANK YOU Andrew for this gem of a podcast👏🔥❤
I needed this. Thank you!! So validating on so many levels and REAL advice with reasoning. Dr. Becky isn’t letting highly sensitive kids hijack family experiences and she’s explaining things with such cleared eyed compassion holding onto what will create a cohesive family AND foster a way for these kids to become good humans. Something many of us are in fear of NOT happening. Thank you!!! 🙏🏼🙏🏼
Love love love Dr. Becky ❤❤❤
Just finished listening. And I'm gonna do this all over again so much valuable information it contains. Thank you, Dr. Huberman, for asking great questions and thank you, Dr. Kennedy, for giving insightful answers to them.
Groundlessness was always what I always called how I felt. I realize now it's because in almost all ways I was an untethered nomad. I didn't even plan to listen until I heard your intro and it made me pause. I've gained new insight and I'm grateful for that. Thank you.
Man…..Imagine if we took one benefit from this video and applied it to our kids. Revolution. We need more solid advice like this. Nice work man!
Wonderful !! Everyone should have a parent, lover, friend, accociate who understands all this !!. This must be emotional intelligence in its best expression !
I love this episode. As a father and a professional in child education I feel very much confirmed in my opinion about boundaries. I think parents cannot hear enough about how important they are. This Interview was so helpful. Thank you Dr. Kennedy and Dr. Huberman.
This is my all time favorite episode, Andrew -- and that's saying something because I have a long list of top favorites including Lisa Feldman Barrett and Peter Attia. I have been a huge fan of Dr. Becky Kennedy for more than a year and I recommend her workshops, books and Instagram reels to every parent and grandparent I know. I am using her tools and knowledge with my four grandkids....and have found her insights to be invaluable "reparenting" tools for the mentoring and coaching I do with people of all ages engaged in self discovery, personal growth and healing from childhood trauma. A big thank you for showcasing Dr. Becky and the importance of a revolutionary new parenting model that will have positive impacts for generations to come.
Just when I thought you couldn’t get any better, this gem of an interview comes along and helps me in real time as a mother and as someone who works with kids with special needs in a public elementary school. So incredibly grateful!
I've watched A LOT of episodes and this is by far my favorite. It is so rich with vital information. Not just for parents but for humans who are having relationships with other humans. ❤️
In my language (Danish) and some other languages, the phrase self confidence is translated litterally to "self trust" - "selvtillid". Though it is also merely a word. This made me consider the more literal meaning of the word more closely as in having trust in your self and your own abilities. Excellent stuff !
What a great Session! Thank you so much for this!
Soon to be a first time mom, very grateful and excited to hear this!
Good luck!
"When a child is given to his parents, a crown is made for that child in Heaven, and woe to the parents who raise a child without consciousness of that eternal crown!"
Fulton J. Sheen
Congrats, you got this! 💪
I've waited so long for an episode about parenting and how to support children the best. I would like to hear more about that topic (and about education becaus I'm becoming a teacher) and how to set boundaries and rules. Thank you very very much for your knowledge :)
Of all the excellent episodes of the HL, I think this is the one that I will go back to over and over again. Dr Becky is a life saver
Thank you so much. I never have cried so much at a parenting video. I feel so seen, and I also can see many mistakes I have made.
Magnificent nature, energy and presence ❤ Thank you so much for taking us on a walk with you!
I learned so, so much from this conversation. Thank you Dr. Kennedy & Dr. Huberman.
This was a healing episode. Made me cry. ❤
love,finding trust and givin security are the keywords for a good raising.buildin an undestructable team...
Oh man, what a great discussion! So raw and realistic! Love the guest!
WoW, so beautiful! I’m so glad I’m having this lecture now that my parenting journey just started. Thank you both for sharing this with us. ❤❤❤
Like you, Dr. Huberman I found myself thinking “wow” quite a few times during the course of your discussion because so many points resonated with me. Now as a college student you and Dr. Kennedy gave me an opportunity to reflect on how I was raised and how that affects my life today. I never got paid for doing chores and liked them. I often had to tag along with my mom running errands and wished I could just relax at home. But now as a pre-med student, those frustrating experiences have prepared me to accept challenges daily. My weekend mornings spent doing yard work helped shape me today into someone who has some of that grit and tenacity you keep talking about. I can accept challenges today because growing up, I was taught that there wasn’t really an option not to. Thanks for making such awesome content available.
Thank you Dr. Becky Kennedy and Andrew Huberman. You've helped me a lot. Thank you.
I LOVE Dr. Becky, I am so glad that your audience will get to know her work
This guest really did knock it out of the park. I have shared this with my child, my adult children and I’m so grateful I’m gonna listen to it again.
I’ve listened to all of your podcasts and I love every single one. Especially this topic is the most useful as I’m trying so many ways to build a good relationship with my 11 and 14 years old daughters. It’s definitely not easy and I’ve no idea saying nothing to “I hate you” is the best way to stop it bouncing. So much to learn from this. Thank you so so much Dr Huberman and Dr Becky. I’ve to listen again and again 🤩
I can't say enough how grateful I am to have found Dr Becky this is exactly what I've been looking for I needed called out in some of these ways and I needed a real way to repair real life mess.