I think as men who truly love their partner, the thought of another person objectifying and treating our loved one poorly is infuriating! We want to stop/control/fight our partner’s former partner, and when that is not possible we try to stop/control/fight the memories of it. I believe we suffer much more than our partner ever did.
The mindset unfortunately falls to " if the last partner treated them bad and they got rewarded then why should I treat her better?" And they begin to devalue the partner they once honored... Foregoing the fact that they chose to be with better and not the previous situation. But the jealous partner struggles with whether their new partner deserves to be seen as better. At least that's how it feels to the partner.
Yeah I can’t lie, I’ve had to stop myself from falling into that mindset. I’m a woman though. But my boyfriend had some really toxic exes, and the thought pisses me off
Yeah, no. That's not the case at all. Sadly it's more like an unbearable amount of disappointment, rather than "why should i treat her better". This might be how you women experience it, but it's not what we feel
@@danielpuskas1189I agree with the previous comment. If you find out your partner was having sex with someone who didn’t care or do anything for them it makes it seem like you’re getting a bad deal. “If they they didn’t have to do all this to get what they wanted then why should I have to pay your bills, and help with your kids.” That’s just an example.
I look at it like this, if you could do this with some guy and claim it didn’t matter then why the hell should I think of you as anything more/special? Like a vehicle, once the ride has to many miles, it depreciates and lowers its worth. As a married man of 5 years with two boys, I’m starting to see a counselor because of my wife’s bs from 15 years ago that unfortunately has been our only crutch in the relationship. Because of her past, I no longer see her as special and that has led me to think I deserve better. Hopefully therapy works because if it doesn’t work then I have already told her that I’m leaving her bc of it…Unfortunately, this has gotten to the point where I feel although she’s not special anymore and I resent her for her past that she brought to our relationship and the pain she has brought to me. Why should I put my wife as special when in reality she has lost her worth to me because of her past?
This is a really great point... So far of the videos I have watched about RJ this one has been the most helpful in terms of how to understand/frame the past. Thank you.
One thing I dont understand, how does casual sex make a person feel better? An intimate physical interlude with a near stranger sounds awkward and uncomfortable.
I have zero compassion for their past sexual actions that was their choice.. every action has consequences good or bad wether you were aware or not.. noir am i obligated as a man to accept anything other then what i desire
I need you help guys I'm 20 years old I'm currently meeting a girl who is further away (long distance relationship) and it's all good except one thing I need your help She loves me a lot and im sure she would do everything for me (and I would do everything for her) but I was a Virgin before meeting her because I alwasys wanted to wait for the right person and I never had a lot of opportunities to have sex she already had her first time with a fuckboy(1 time only) and it bothers me a lot and i keep thinking about it 24/7 even though seh said that it was bad and she liked it more with me I think about it a lot and it's draining me a lot Should I leave her or Fix my mindest?
im struggling with this right now, and am trying to accept that her past made her who she is today and also brought her into my life. looking at the positive side more than the negative.
This was my case towards my guy. He was looking for love in all the wrong places. He never meant to have one night stands. He tried to help these poor women. He did the best he could with what he had to work with
From a fellow mental health clinician, you’re so knowledgeable in this niche area Eva. Sorry I was cranky in my previous comment. My acute RJ periods tend to manifest as anger. Subscribed.
my friends and i were kind of nerdy athletes at all boys high school and college so had little/no female expereince into our early mid 20s. In my case, (and a few others i know) we were 25-8 year old virgins when we met wives to be. Our wives to be were attractive to us but also of course attractive to other men. While i (and other) men can go through life and never be approached by women, the same does not apply to women and if they went to college they almost invariably lost their virginity during those time(or close after ) to more experiended men and the women were also dying to lose their virginity. It is nobody's fault just nature
How do u deal with this if your girlfriend told you she slept with x amount of people and u heard from other people that it was one more. Wheni brought it up to her she denied it , but then she was honest and she said she didnt tell me because she was embarrassed of who it was and that she didnt really wanna sleep with him. I love her but i struggle with this because she invited him over but she said it wasnt for "that"
So I have a question I could get to that point where I could empathize with her self-worth... But while I was in a relationship with her she continued talking to these guys happy birthdays how was your days and even some flirting with the last guy... It was very flirting in the beginning of our relationship and after that he continued to flirt and she never shut him down. When I caught her she took responsibility and said she is very sorry and will never do it again... So I'm at a crossroads right now with trust and RJ thoughts. If someone could give me some perspective I would appreciate it
I think the worst part is the feeling that I just have no choice. I can either accept this and develop a relationship or be alone forever. I feel devalued because I’m just the afterthought, the backup plan once the other options run out.
Are you ready to overcome this? Book your one on one discovery call here: calendly.com/overcomingrelationshipanxiety/45min
I think as men who truly love their partner, the thought of another person objectifying and treating our loved one poorly is infuriating! We want to stop/control/fight our partner’s former partner, and when that is not possible we try to stop/control/fight the memories of it. I believe we suffer much more than our partner ever did.
This hits home. When I started dating my wife she asked me bluntly why are you being nice to me? What do you want? She had no idea of her worth
It’s just too painful. I can’t handle this. I need a miracle
Wow not once did I ever think that my self criticism had anything to do with my rj because I'm so hard on myself. That makes so much sense thankyou.
The mindset unfortunately falls to " if the last partner treated them bad and they got rewarded then why should I treat her better?" And they begin to devalue the partner they once honored... Foregoing the fact that they chose to be with better and not the previous situation. But the jealous partner struggles with whether their new partner deserves to be seen as better. At least that's how it feels to the partner.
Yeah I can’t lie, I’ve had to stop myself from falling into that mindset. I’m a woman though. But my boyfriend had some really toxic exes, and the thought pisses me off
Yeah, no. That's not the case at all. Sadly it's more like an unbearable amount of disappointment, rather than "why should i treat her better". This might be how you women experience it, but it's not what we feel
@@danielpuskas1189I agree with the previous comment. If you find out your partner was having sex with someone who didn’t care or do anything for them it makes it seem like you’re getting a bad deal. “If they they didn’t have to do all this to get what they wanted then why should I have to pay your bills, and help with your kids.” That’s just an example.
I look at it like this, if you could do this with some guy and claim it didn’t matter then why the hell should I think of you as anything more/special? Like a vehicle, once the ride has to many miles, it depreciates and lowers its worth. As a married man of 5 years with two boys, I’m starting to see a counselor because of my wife’s bs from 15 years ago that unfortunately has been our only crutch in the relationship. Because of her past, I no longer see her as special and that has led me to think I deserve better. Hopefully therapy works because if it doesn’t work then I have already told her that I’m leaving her bc of it…Unfortunately, this has gotten to the point where I feel although she’s not special anymore and I resent her for her past that she brought to our relationship and the pain she has brought to me. Why should I put my wife as special when in reality she has lost her worth to me because of her past?
Thank you so much Eva, I will try to build compassion from within to help not be judge-mental anymore.
I’m glad it helped!!
thankyou for this video, currently struggling with this and I had no idea it was a mental health condition, just thought i was insecure and stuff
@@destrokidz I’m glad you found it helpful:)
This is a really great point... So far of the videos I have watched about RJ this one has been the most helpful in terms of how to understand/frame the past. Thank you.
One thing I dont understand, how does casual sex make a person feel better? An intimate physical interlude with a near stranger sounds awkward and uncomfortable.
I agree
Pleasure without work or commitment and pressure
I have zero compassion for their past sexual actions that was their choice.. every action has consequences good or bad wether you were aware or not.. noir am i obligated as a man to accept anything other then what i desire
fucking legend
Yee buddy. You get it. All these guys would rather twist their own psyche into a pretzel than trust their own instincts on the matter
That’s valid, I value sex a lot and I judge men with high body count since I actually have self restraint I want the same thing from a partner
I need you help guys I'm 20 years old I'm currently meeting a girl who is further away (long distance relationship) and it's all good except one thing I need your help She loves me a lot and im sure she would do everything for me (and I would do everything for her) but I was a Virgin before meeting her because I alwasys wanted to wait for the right person and I never had a lot of opportunities to have sex
she already had her first time with a fuckboy(1 time only) and it bothers me a lot and i keep thinking about it 24/7 even though seh said that it was bad and she liked it more with me I think about it a lot and it's draining me a lot
Should I leave her or Fix my mindest?
@@giojuanchulo i dont think you should leave her for having sex with one person
This is exactly what i was looking for! Wow! Thank you so much. This simply answered all my questions and makes the most sense!!! My rj is gone!
Ever since yesterday i felt a shift in me. Huge weight lifted and this helped my perspective shift. Thank you
im struggling with this right now, and am trying to accept that her past made her who she is today and also brought her into my life. looking at the positive side more than the negative.
Good for yoy
You
Exactly. That’s my mindset too.
This was my case towards my guy. He was looking for love in all the wrong places. He never meant to have one night stands. He tried to help these poor women. He did the best he could with what he had to work with
So glad I have found this channel, you have a great way of explaining this and already very helpful. Thank you!
Thank you, I'm glad you you find the videos helpful!!
I’m not judging anyone, I just don’t want to date someone who slept around.
That's a choice you are entitled to, not RJ. If you don't want to then don't.
Good video!!!!!! Could we get a longer video of this going to more into depth please
Very important message, thank you!
From a fellow mental health clinician, you’re so knowledgeable in this niche area Eva.
Sorry I was cranky in my previous comment. My acute RJ periods tend to manifest as anger.
Subscribed.
I am not a man but that was my thoughts completely. 🙏
Thank you for this Eva!
I'm happy it helped:)
Wow! So yooung but sooo wise.
my friends and i were kind of nerdy athletes at all boys high school and college so had little/no female expereince into our early mid 20s. In my case, (and a few others i know) we were 25-8 year old virgins when we met wives to be. Our wives to be were attractive to us but also of course attractive to other men. While i (and other) men can go through life and never be approached by women, the same does not apply to women and if they went to college they almost invariably lost their virginity during those time(or close after ) to more experiended men and the women were also dying to lose their virginity. It is nobody's fault just nature
That sucks
Thank you for your videos.
Thank you for your comment! I’m glad you find them helpful.
This really helped
How do u deal with this if your girlfriend told you she slept with x amount of people and u heard from other people that it was one more. Wheni brought it up to her she denied it , but then she was honest and she said she didnt tell me because she was embarrassed of who it was and that she didnt really wanna sleep with him. I love her but i struggle with this because she invited him over but she said it wasnt for "that"
This video might help: czcams.com/video/0CfarzWrulE/video.htmlsi=VyVLfFNvevMFRzqi
So I have a question I could get to that point where I could empathize with her self-worth... But while I was in a relationship with her she continued talking to these guys happy birthdays how was your days and even some flirting with the last guy... It was very flirting in the beginning of our relationship and after that he continued to flirt and she never shut him down.
When I caught her she took responsibility and said she is very sorry and will never do it again... So I'm at a crossroads right now with trust and RJ thoughts.
If someone could give me some perspective I would appreciate it
Leave her. You'll be torturing yourself. Better to be alone then with someone and unhappy. Some people are just slutty.
Move on, know your worth. She can't let go of her past, so why should you.
Thank you, this is a great reframe. Ugh...
I think the worst part is the feeling that I just have no choice. I can either accept this and develop a relationship or be alone forever. I feel devalued because I’m just the afterthought, the backup plan once the other options run out.
It's sad people go for back up plans.
to be fair though most men (myself included) kind of wish we were badly treated by a woman who provided us a sexual awakening.
What??
We?! 🤨