11 tactics for not letting narcissists into your life in the first place
VloĆŸit
- Äas pĆidĂĄn 12. 07. 2020
- ORDER MY NYT BESTSELLING BOOK đ "IT'S NOT YOU"
smarturl.it/not-you
JOIN MY HEALING PROGRAM
doctor-ramani.teachable.com/p...
JOIN THE DR. RAMANI NETWORK
www.drramaninetwork.com
GET INFO ABOUT MY UPCOMING PROGRAM FOR THERAPISTS
forms.gle/1RRUz41eWswjw63o6
SIGN UP FOR MY MAILING LIST
forms.gle/Bv9GNuMSR55PKTjQ6
LISTEN TO MY NEW PODCAST "NAVIGATING NARCISSISM"
Apple Podcasts: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast...
Spotify: open.spotify.com/show/2fUMDuT...
Stitcher: www.stitcher.com/podcast/how-...
iHeart Radio: www.iheart.com/podcast/1119-n...
DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
Never overshare when you first meet someone. You never know who is gathering data of your strengths and weaknesses and identifying you as a potential supply.
Nelumbo Nucifera, You're so right about that. It really takes time to be able to know and trust people.
đź Oh no, I didn't think of that! I just wrote my whole story out on FB.
Or test them by giving them a tidbit of information that isn't very sensitive to you. :)
@@l4l755 Honestly, this is a good way to see early on verses down the line when it's a bigger problem.
Even if they aren't narcs, there are people who mean you harm and will use that info to their advantage, so it's always best to get to know someone slowly over time.
#8: Nobody falls in love faster than a narcissist who needs a place to live!
đ€đ€đđ€đđ„truth be known! And and it doesn't matter where from, age, or marital status! Even if you just want a platonic, coffee meet, they are ready too seize the opportunity and have a supply list with multiple profiles partners etc! I mean get that broke ass shit sauce outta your buffer zone, đ€Łđ€Łđ€Ł
Kay T - You are so right with this insight!!! I wish Iâd known this before but, thank goodness you pointed it out here. Gratitude.
If only we could go back in time on this one, but a lesson learned is one that definitely won't be repeated.
I couldn't agree more
Or needs their bills paid
#1 Stop with the second (or more) chances. They enable the narcissists.
#2 Catch yourself when you make rationalisations for their behaviours. Rationalizations are gateways for second chances.
#3 Do your own deep dive. Self-knowledge it's always a worthwhile endeavour
#4 Trust your gut.
#5 Don't confuse love and abuse. Pay attention to the trauma bond.
#6 Be aware of the love bombing.
#7 Be very careful about using words like "magical connection" and "soulmate".
#8 If the relationship moves too fast it may be risky.
#9 Turn off the gaslight the first time it gets turned on
#10 Pay attention to the future fake
#11 Be careful about making overly big sacrifices early in the relationship.
#12 Be careful when you listen to other people in the early days of your relationship
Thank you soooo much.
Thank you for making a list đ
I have experienced all of these things with too many people then realized I was raised to have no boundaries by alcoholic father/Narc mother.
Thank you too đș
I was just wishing these were written down. Thank you! đđŒđ
So many people are narcissists. Seems it's our culture now.
I have lived with the motto "People can change" all my life.. Today I have updated this motto to "It is not my job to change anyone".. Thanks and God bless you for all that you do Dr. Ramani
I think people can change, but change takes WORK. So if they're not actively working on it it's unlikely. Also, even if they are working on it it doesn't mean you need to stay with them. Always listen to yourself đ
@@VickyG212 I agree.. I too still believe people can change but I permit myself not to take it personally and would accept people for who they are (not what I think they can/should be).. I will no longer be an enabler to narcissistic people
For people to see the need to change they need to experience the consequences of their actions. But if we are always rescuing them from experiencing the consequences then they will never see the need to change.
Amen
Narcissists are typically too lazy for real, positive change. They do seem to accelerate downhill pretty quickly at some point, though, if that counts. đ
Number 13: The narcissist will tell you a sad story about their childhood or past relationship...painting themselves as the poor victim. They are fishing for a juicy empathic response. Donât take that bait!
sometimes you just have to tell them, "well, at least you were given life, get over the shit you can't change". Imagine the face on them when you say that to them! Classic. You win.
The story Iâve heard the most is about their crazy ex
Yes he started off with did I tell you about my abusive childhood Iâm like wtf đ no and he just starts going and telling me with a whole show crying and everything and I fell for it now heâs my supervisor and I pay him no attention.
Or when they're done say:
"That sounds terrible. Are you in therapy for that? If not, I would recommend it."
My dad have done that to me a lot of times
Never go into a relationship feeling like you âNEEDâ the other person.
Excellent, excellent advice!
Such special advice!! â€â€đđŸ
Great advice!
Also, if they act like they NEED you, they will suffocate you, RUN!!!
Exactly...
Their initial intense eye contact isn't about connection, it's about being a predator scouting potential prey.
Absolutely agree! đŻđŻ
So on point this one sentence just gave me flashbacks
Oh my gosh- Im so glad you mentioned this- it would be so easy to miss.
O m g YES
That is how it feels to yucky
By the way, love bombing isnât just reserved for romantic interests. It happens in business and potential friendships too.
So true. Just try to buy a car or book a moving truck. đ
No really. My first narsissistic relationship was with my "best friend" when I was 11yo
Well known divorce lawyer here. Gate keeping and careful vetting is critical. It may keep you out of my office.
Jonathan Noble Esquire hi, thanks for the free advice!! I love lawyers!! My late husband was a very good lawyer!
You can't really vet a covert PD, they are build to live their lives under these conditions, you need to have experience to actually know what's going on, these "experiences" also may have a fingerprint, what maybe is obvious for one person isn't visible to the eye of someone else, people make mistakes, it's not fair, it's not someoneâs particularly fault, but you can do some damage control for sure.
đ Thanks for your honest advice!
great to hear from a lawyer. Mine has been useless
Hi yes! I'm also a lawyer and in business, if you know your rights, check whether counterparts GRANT you your rights, or only when you claim them. Big tell on how the business relationship will continue.
Set boundaries, practice self love and no narcissist will ever want anything to do with you.
Even though, they dont easily get tired even if you set boundaries, the only way is to go complete no contact!
Be the self- loving gray rock. A really terrible source of narcissistic supply.
@@nyinyibito1757 , Especially if you have something they very much want. If you're known to be a nice person, they don't think your boundaries are very strong.
@@notagain779 a very valid point. They can figure out quickly if you are an easy target.
shamanism call it No. its simple, you intent the boundaries. Nop! thats my limit , sorry but not sorry. Place of no pity.
Said a prayer for you today. You are helping so many people. I am just realizing Iâve never had a normal relationship. It almost broke me last week when I realized it. I feel awake.
Oh. I just realized I haven't either.
I feel you. I realized that my 3 ex-boyfriends had something so deep in common. Thanks to Dr. Ramani I realized they are all narcissists. I have also cried so much since this revelation. Narcissism feels familiar to me because I first got to know it through my mother. I am still in shock of how all of my worst relationships are connected. Good thing is that we are not alone and that this community will help us victims, thrive. We are stronger than we think. Big hugs!
You are not alone.
Im right here with you girl, they say weâre empaths and they prey on those types. My dad was king narc his old ass refuses to die đ€Ł
It will never break you, it will cause you to see how strong you truly are and in effect, will make you. đ
I've found that if I tell them, "no" to anything they'll lose their mind. They can't accept boundaries. It causes an injury and triggers them. I've always been agreeable and didn't want to make any waves at first. Not until I've learned to say no are they easy to spot.
Exactly. The best test to know if you are dealing with a narcissistic personality trait is to be available and agreeable alot of times and then suddenly be not so agreeable and available. They will most often show their narcissistic rage because they can't stand being told no and the more you affirm your boundaries and not become so available they get angry because they feel entitled to you and your time.
@J A and @cherry blossom It's so true that simply saying "No" is an excellent narc deflector! Dr. Ramani mentioned in a video that she suspects people who are high in Agreeableness as a personality trait are more susceptible to narcissists, and I think that's so true. I have to FORCE myself to say no to things early on because I honestly don't care sometimes (which restaurant, activity, etc.). It feels totally unnatural and weird, but it's the only way I've found so far to reliably get the narcs to move on.
Also forcing myself to talk equal time since I tend to clam up unconsciously around self-absorbed people (thanks, narc mom!). Now I consciously check: are they empathetic? Do they ask follow up questions in the moment and also in future conversations? Are they naturally reciprocal?
I've saved myself from some real blood suckers just by making myself do these rather awkward and inauthentic-feeling things up front before I get overly invested in people. There are too many kind and caring people in the world to waste my precious life with jerks!
Yeah, beware the ones that claim things like "there is no law" (half of a Bible verse, that's totally taken out of context), too.
@@cherryblossom6702 Dang! I went through that with a Minecrafter a few months back!
Don't let your kids watch most kids shows. There is always a character that is really mean and then changes at the end of the episode. I make sure they know that this NEVER happens in real life and they need to avoid people like this. These shows groom your children to accept narcissists into their lives.
Excellent point! I see this too!
MIke Lane so true!
Damn, son.
Thatâs some knowledge.
I agree with you EXCEPT occasionally, (like 3% of the population) people deeply change and make lasting life habit shifts that stick.
I never thought of that, thankyou
By the way, I've learnt one big lesson in life overall especially for empaths. Rule #1. Slow down! Stop rushing to say yes to everything. Always answer with, "Let me think about it." to EVERYTHING. Rule #2. See Rule #1.
Solid advice, succinct and straight to the point! Cheers ;)
Yesssss, even in the office. ESPECIALLY in the office.
Great đ
Exactly excellence advice
Give yourself time to trust and stop absorbing others expectations of you
And start trusting in yourself
I have 2 questions out of 50000 when a get sick a big pitte party âŠ2 question could I be the narcissistic in this relationship and not knowing I donât think I am because the things you say sounds just like heroâs the narcissistic and Ian the narcissistic victim can talk on this if have what the name of the video
I'm now 59 and happily married, but starting around my 48th birthday, I knew women my age or older who had allowed a narcissist to move in with them and then couldn't get rid of him. They were lonely and against their better judgment, they let him rush things. Often they lost all their money, including retirement savings. It is sad. Better off old and alone than old, alone, abused and broke.
And one can always volunteer to find purpose and friends.
I see this with woman of all ages, but it is particularly tragic when there are children in this home as well. These mothers never listen to their friends or family, and especially not their own guts. I absolutely agree, itâs better to be alone. But it takes a strong, self-loving woman to do embrace that. On the other hand, my own mother is very old school has said things like, âyes, that man beats her and yells at her out in public and wonât let her have friends⊠but at least theyâve stuck through it all and that says something-they made it through forty years of marriage! See? It was worth itâ
Sounds like what's happening with my dad right now, with his batshit crazy wife. đą
Indeed đ
Looking back 2.5 years ago I had just gotten out of a relationship with a narcissist. I was broken, heartache and I felt more lost than I ever felt in my life. I owe my life to CZcamsrs making these videos. If it wasn't for them I probably wouldn't be alive. People with NPD are sons of the Devil
.....and 'daughters'!
Yes they are off the devil
đâșïž
They are demon possessed . Thatâs why Jesus commands us to pray for out enemies. We do not have capacity to fight this evil ourselves. Thatâs why most psychologists who do not understand spiritual warfare, just advise to go no contact
Same here! Well said sister! Christina for your pets â
Love yourself. Don't allow anyone to define you.
Yup. Only your character defines you, nothing else
True
Defined as human being, planet earth.
@Elle D make a plan, short term goals , those small victories, just be better then the person who you were yesterday. Beucse it is physically impossible for anything to happen exactly the same way twice. So those negative things will not happen again.
shilpa patil Yes, get deeply in touch with yourself. Meditation or yoga are awesome ways to remember groundedness, clarity and self, aligning with yr natural protective intuitive inner self
My moms been visiting for 2 weeks and itâs so easy to feel gaslit and âoutâ of my body again, if that makes sense.
The fastest way I get back in touch with myself is through my body, for some reason
I have a 100 year old Grandpa. He is telling me all the time: "Hun, beware those kinds of people who do not tolerate if you have a different opinion on something." So IMO I have a very simple and powerful technique: Say "no". Early on the relationship, very politely. Not in any significant issue, but something "mildly" significant. A narcissist's reaction usually tells it all.
This is really wise - I will try this. Many thanks to you and your Grandpa for sharing x
Iâm not going to do this...
This is great advice and very accurate.
Yes, this is a big one they hate the word No. My mom was a narc she would always gaslight me the next day after saying no.(or some day I always saw it coming). A guy friend on POF who I started to suspect was a narcissist I remember telling him no and it's like they will repeat what they said trying to change your mind.)also he gaslighted there was much more. My aunt not by blood who I know is narcissist by the way she treats everyone around her. I once told her no thanks and she insisted 2 more times. A friend in highschool who looking back acted more like a bully she would call me Carrie.(yes like the movie) I would tell her can you please stop calling me that it's not my name. I remember telling her no on not wanting to go to a party. I told her no so many times to the point I felt like I wasn't even seen. I attracted this people all my life and that really is a good way to test someone out early on.
@@sonyvalencia Another sign is when they try and coerce you into doing something they want you to do at times when it is hard to say no without looking mean or uncooperative. Usually when others are around to hear. If they don't understand the dynamic, they will quickly assume you to be in the wrong, not them.
When I think Iâm experiencing love bombing I literally have Dr Ramaniâs voice saying âif a person canât hear you on the pacing of the relationship then youâre going to have bigger issues down the track.â Thank you so much Dr Ramani Iâm certain this video has saved me from entering into another narcissistic relationship.
The devil always rushes you.
I have a new friend who is totally sane and itâs so interesting to talk to them. Iâve been used to expecting random emotional outbursts and having to walk on eggshells or overexplain myself that itâs really strange that it never happens.
Itâs very refreshing to relax around someone.
This often times feels like a gift of god to me
Yeah, that too can be love-bombing. It's not always about flowers, candy, cards, and promises.
âOnly the worthy should be allowed to enter your heart and your lifeâ
After all even the bible says 'Do not throw your pearls to dogs and pigs otherwise they will turn and tear you down to pieces'
Yes, yes, yes. But they seem so worthy in the beginning! How long will it take to know who they really are, and if they are truly worthy? Thatâs the challenge.
@@carolynmccall7592 it usually doesn't take that long for people to show their true colors, or atleast in my case. I was just the slow one to believe them the first time I saw a red flag
@@carolynmccall7592 very soon
@@carolynmccall7592 đŻđŻ -
My simple litmus test: If they haven't figured out the Golden Rule by adulthood, walk away. It's not my job to be their life coach.
What's the golden rule?
@@quatzxice "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
@@caroleknudson4516 ah yes ty
There are SOOO many who haven't figured it out. I started gaslighting myself at one point saying maybe it's me. But it's others who don't quite get it. The best lesson I learned is to never be someone's mother in a relationship.
@@kmoy đŻ facts!
I was married to the slow moving withholding type, I chased his love for 15 years. Then I finally got divorced and met the other kind of narcissist and fell into la la land coming from such a lack of attention I was sucked right in! Single now but what both had in common was their ability to keep me hoping for a future. Hard lessons learned about my vulnerabilities that I had to address and heal.
The first type was polite but unavailable, I couldn't figure him out! But I felt betrayed and taken for granted most of the time, utterly confused by his polite and soft personality. I still ruminate about that one relationship of my life. Wish he was outwardly mean, straight and not withholding the oxygen mask stating he needed to breathe more, it would have been easy to have an honest conversation and end things. It took me a long time to heal, I still regret that relationship.
I was married to the slow moving withholding type too. âFriends â for over a decade. But there was then what I now understand as love bombing as we moved into dating & engagement. The withholding began the minute we got married. I just didnât have words for all of it. Now, with Dr. R Iâve come to know & understand what was happening.
@@sumitachakraborty7387 same here. Never had an argument, he never complained about anything. When you think everything is great and you're both in love--it makes a "discard" so confusing, shocking, and difficult to process. Kindness without honesty is manipulation.... I will always regret that relationship, too. It would've been better to have never loved a fake superficial persona. In the end I realized that he had an insecure dismissive avoidant attachment style, which means he is incapable of forming a healthy attachment or reciprocating love, intimacy and the level of vulnerability needed to form a healthy couple bond. That requires both honesty and courage---two things very foreign to him.
Got married to a withholder, too. Next person I dated love bombed me totally. But, in order to understand my father, I had been listening to Dr. Ramani so long that I was cautious while being absolutely smitten at the same time. A few red flags in, I stopped the nonsense. Found out later that I dodged a bullet with that one.
Bravo đ itâs a painful journey of knowing ourselves but itâs who we are . đ
Try soft boundaries, see the type of pushback, if any, you get. I was in a relationship where I saw the cold shoulder early. One night I was studying late and he was at a friend's house. He asked to bring his dogs overnight to leave for a hike in the morning. I said no, because my roommate had a cat who I didn't want to stress out. He said okay- but then radio silence in the morning and the hike cancelled. Then I enabled it. I apologized. I was extra kind and affectionate. I "fixed" it. Well, you live and you learn. So try out some reasonable occasions to say "no" to something you don't want and see how it goes. Do they talk to you about it if it bothers them? Or do you get the cold shoulder?
Are they supposed to talk about it, understand or give cold shoulders, I dint get you sorry
@@sudhas9344 pretty much test them early on to see if they can habdle a mature conversation vs. giving the cold shoulder or being passive aggressive
@Sudha S If you've already explained a boundary as reasonable as the one in this example, the other person should understand that it must be honored, even if they don't fully "get" it or agree with it. Healthy people understand that being told no sometimes is just part of life. In this example, not caring about the cat or the potential roommate issues that could arise from bringing the dogs suggests POOR EMPATHY, SELFISHNESS, and ENTITLEMENT--all narcissism traits. If setting basic boundaries triggers extreme reactions of any kind, that's a red flag whether or not they're willing to talk about it. Indeed, some toxic people get off on "processing conflicts" because they like getting to further manipulate and gaslight and be the center of attention! I think the key thing--as Dr. Ramani says--is to listen to one's gut. I'm finally learning that if someone repeatedly makes me feel jangled, drained, self-doubting, etc., that's reason enough to let them go. â€
Yeah, always say "No" when a man wants to bring his dogs over to your place. I don't care if you love the dogs to death - say no anyway. He's using this as a way of marking his territory. Think of it the way you would bringing a toothbrush over "just for one night." (Har har.)
Ask yourself regularly, 'How does interacting with this person make me feel right now?' and track it over time. If you notice it doesn't make you feel good on a regular basis pay attention and don't let the person in.
Exactly, plain and simple.
I wish I knew this 15 years ago
Literally putting this advice to use with a âfriendâ right now.
Your so right! I do pay attention to this now. its our compass.
This is sooooooooooo so right! Wish I knew this
When someone who doesn't respect your boundaries and gets really pushy, you better get out as soon as possible
Sometimes push back!
@@r2d2powai91 While I've tried that, and it can be very satisfying, it just infuriates the pusher and it is was exhausting for me in the end. I just left, and felt like a ton was lifted off my back đ€đ»
On top of that tells you to compromise those boundaries, that is a big red flag!!
They may not be narcissists, but they sure can be annoying af.
Yeah, when a coworker asks for your phone number but can actually get a hold of you with emails⊠when I offered that we can communicate work-related issues via email, she stopped respond to my emails
The very beginning of any relationship tells it all. If they are pushy, disrespectful, arrogant, disrespectful of your boundaries, lose them. Without pushback, they keep it up and don't quit. After the first no, you will know what they are. No means no. A child understands that.
Also if they seem to have no filters about sounding self-pitying when you first meet them. People with good boundaries won't do that, even if they are having a bad day or are dealing with a bad situation.
Not all of them. Some are very subtle. Flowers to your doorstep, romantic dinners, love letters, holidays in Paris, long, very "open" and "understanding" conversations by the beach, ... and when you are hooked they come and want to cash their interest on their investment.
My observation shows that narcissists when they talk about their life's stories always tell how others (wifes, husbands, friends, coworkers...) were bad, ungrateful, unappreciative to them never mentione their faults, it's always someone else's fault. We need to listen carefully, usually narcs will tell it all about themselves or at least enough to raise a lot of questions.
And also try to find in their circle of friends 1 or 2 from school, college from many years ago... most likely you won't find them.
Vera - you are spot on - he had only 1 or 2 friends from his past, several broken relationships with family members, all with excuses that it was their fault - so my friends became his friends - until he couldn't keep up the facade any longer - glad to be out of that!!
THIS! He *loved* to just whine and complain about how so many of his friends have left him over the years, so many of his ex's were so cruel to him, all of his brothers hate his guts, how terrible his dad and stepmom were, how awful his coworkers are. Literally I could count on one hand the people in his life he actually "liked." In fact, he even told me once that there was no one he actually cared about anymore. Only that the people he actually did care about were lost by suicide several years ago. And not said in a pitying way but an angry, arrogant, "*you* don't matter to me" way. He would push people away and then claim he was the victim. I think he found great pride in his ability to be cold, callous, and uncaring while also being able to call himself a victim.
This is exactly what happened to me. He told me that his ex wife left him when he was a âvery good husbandâ, that one day she suddenly âchanged her opinion about himâ and abandoned him and made a living hell for him and their two children⊠Also in all his stories about his life he was either a hero or a victimâŠ
When there is some sort of irrational jealousy towards life long friends and loved family members - run!
Exactly!!!
My ex was jealous of my cat! Narcissists are soo weird.
B
Right u can't be more happier than them u can't be more successful than them nd they like u to keep u in misery for theie supply nd security.
Theriax: *why* are they like that after we do so much for them and give so much to them?! WEIRD.
"You've gotta stop with the second chances"
Exactly.
I just did this! After 3 hours of him begging me back I took him in, two weeks later he was gone again. I learned... I feel ridiculous but I learned
Imagine if we applied that to potty training, learning to walk or, building things...
@@keelyjohnson630 This is not at all what they meant and I think you know that.
@@taylorschahn5596 yes exactly, there was the con jobs that jumped on the band wagon to own everything... That is what wrecked things is the "I'm" the boss when it is always the whole
1. Stop with the second chances. 2:59
2. Catch yourselves when you make rationalizations for their behaviour. 4:11
3. Do your own deep dive. 5:32
4. Trust your guts. 7:48
5. Do not confuse love and abuse. 9:49
6. You are not 6 and life is not a disney movie. 10:49
7. Be very careful about using words like 'magical connection' or 'soul mate'. 11:52
8. If the relationship moves too fast it may be risky. 13:18
9. Turn off the gaslight the first time it gets on. 17:32
10. Pay attention to the almighty future fake. 18:36
11. Be careful of making overly big sacrifices in the beginning of the relationship. 20:00
12. Be very careful when you listen to other people in the early days of your relationship. 23:38
I just met someone who appears to be the sweetest, most trustworthy person ever. Only known them a short amount of time and I spotted the signs of narcissism thanks to these videos. Blocked and never speaking to that person ever again. Been through enough of them, it's rampant, we have created a world of narcissists.
Gaslighting and the constant silent treatment are the cruelest things Iâve ever experienced.
I seriously think they cause significant psychological damage
totally devastating
My ex narc once gave me the silent treatment for a week and a half while living in the same house. He would invite friends over whenever he was home and refuse to be around me in general. It was absolutely maddening. It was definitely a lasting trauma.
SAMEEEEE!!! It happened to you too?? He went TWO MONTHS and a half without texting me or calling me. That was it for me...
Me too!!
*âPlease trust those hairs that stand up on the back of your neck.â* This! đ đ đ đ
i get alot of shiver lately, but they are mostly from meditation nad not from detecting others bad intent.
its more viceral gut instinct for me, not on the skin (my personal experience)
You still may need to avoid emotional reasoning..
Omg yes!!!!
This one hit hard, coupled with her talking about how others who don't see the dark side will often make you question those gut feelings. I was talked out of my gut feelings by everyone. It went to a very dark place. Everyone else was so in love with the guy, though, they should have married him, instead.
Cath That's exactly right and my intuition is extremely strong, but it can be hard to work out if it's my fear, or a warning, sometimes. I can see clearly when I look back though and I remember expressing my doubts to a neighbour in regard to a man I'd met, then she talked me into going with him! And a couple of other women I knew thought that I was being paranoid about him. I found out the hard way that I wasn't paranoid at all, because he turned out to be a very dangerous man, so I hope I never listen to anyone ever again with matters of the heart. That's if I ever get enough courage to go there again. đ€
LISTEN AND PAY VERY CLOSE ATTENTIONS to the first conversation because this is when the narcissist gives you the opportunity to know who they are. It is during these early conversations that the narcissist explicitly reveals themselves to you about who they are and their plan about you, they will even go as far warning you but we are often too focused on making the relationship work and this is the reason why when we look back we realize why they said or did certain things.
đŻđŻđŻ
So true she told me I should run as she would destroy me...and that she did why oh why did I not listen to my inner voice.
So trueee!! I should've run when he said he's like a rotten melon,looks good on the outside but rotten in the inside. I thought he was.just self deprecating and felt bad for him. Oh was I wrong!
The deep dive is so important. It took me a while to figure out that although childhood conditioning may have painted a target on my back for narcissists, I was regularly touching up the paint so my target was nice and fresh. I was actively attracted to toxic people in friendships and romantic relationships. I went out of my way to try to get their approval and obtain validation from these personality types. Ugh! When I figured out I was still looking for approval from my abusive parents. This made me ignore my gut and even blatant red flags.45+ years of abuse by friends & spouses ensued. Do the deep dive!
Yep, it's all about the deep dive. Once I did that ,I said no to people and got rid of people. I too have abusive parents and am happily saying no to them now too. She's right we should all have therapy before 25.
Can relate to this. I'm learning to approve myself first and not relying on others to feel validated or good about myself.
And before we have kids!
Same here. It doesn't help that I'm on the Autism Spectrum. That made it all easy to happen to me, I think.
1. Trust your instincts.
2. Trust is earned; not freely given.
3. If you witness someone having social chameleon behavior, pay attention as they are indicators of inauthenticity.
4. Call out abusive behavior and use boundaries to keep you safe.
Iâve noticed my mom and I give trust until itâs broken. My dad and brother are the opposite. They have less drama and toxic ppl in their lives...
Trust isn't earned, Trust is self evidentially there. You cannot run a bargain over trust that shows only you lack self-trust, it's not a trading tool either.
I love your #2
ABUSERS BULLIES CRIMINALLY INSANE ALCOHOLIC DRUG ADDICT PIMPS âïžâïžđđđ”đ”đđđŒđđȘđŻđđđŒđđȘđŻ GOING TO JSILS, PRISONS, FEDERAL PENITENTIARY NOW AT LITTLE SISTER'S OF THE POOR đđđđđđđđđđđđđđđđđ”âïžđ”đïžđđ€©â€ïžâ€ïžđđ
I notice that they kind of leave you feeling insecure a lot. If anyone leaves me feeling insecure Iâm going to walk away. Love shouldnât be something that keeps you up at night wondering.
Yup. Same with friendship and family relationships.
@@Qrtuop : Absolutely !
Yes! I've ended a few friendships because I feel so drained after seeing them. Its a shame I haven't had the same strength to do that early on in romantic relationships
Ashleigh Dukes yup - sadly if you have to give someone the benefit of the doubt ... you shouldnât đđ€·ââïž learned that the hard way a million times đ€Šââïž
Agree 100%. Reminds me of Dr Ramaniâs video on self-doubt.
Rule number 12: Stop being so damn polite!!!!! Real manners are wonderful and always have their place in a civilized society. Always be kind and courteous to wait staff, receptionists, cashiers, and custodians. Always hold open the door for others. Always wait your turn. But stop humoring people who purposely interrupt you when you're speaking, because purposeful interrupting is a HUGE sign someone is trying to dominate and disrespect you. Don't worry about being "rude" for refusing social invitations from people who set off your internal alarm bells. Don't worry about being "rude" for blocking abusive trolls on social media. Don't worry about being "rude" for ghosting creeps you meet on online dating sites. Don't worry about being "rude" for hanging up on telemarketers or telling them to eff off. Don't answer the door for salesmen, even when it's clear you're home. Stop using your polite meek "indoor voice" when the big loud outdoor one is required. The willingness to be "rude" when necessary is going to scare Narcissists and other potential abusers away, because they will label you as "difficult."
This is something I've struggled with for most of my life, because politeness was my survival mechanism as a child. It was a great way to keep abusive parents and teachers from screaming at me, but it put me in dangerous situations in college, at work, and especially in relationships. I never thought I'd overcome it, but then the pandemic happened. And now, to protect staff and volunteers at work, as someone in a position of leadership, I have to set boundaries with entitled and bratty customers all the time. I've started giving orders instead of requests. I've shouted at men twice my size to put their masks on, and when they've tried to scare me with aggressive body language, I've given it right back to them. I've kicked people out of the building. !!!! Never thought I had it in me, but it turns out, I'm like Lambert The Sheepish Lion. I may have been socialized to act like a lamb, but when that big bad wolf comes around, I'm apparently not afraid to snarl a little. Now if I can just apply that to my dating life....
I know you won't check such an old comment but this comment resonates so well. I have recently become "rude" by speaking my mind more when other people are being assholes. Being raises to be polite truly does put you in dangerous situations, especially with narcissists. So very true.
Go you, enforcing the masking mandates and protecting everyone's health like that! You're a hero!
Also don't be afraid of being "rude" by hanging up on someone who's clearly BSing you about something, or is showing zero empathy towards you in a hard situation you're going through (even if they're telling a possible truth), especially if they had a hand in creating that situation and had a clear, obvious responsibility to prevent it. Just say what you legally have a right and a duty to say, whatever that might be, then say "Thank you, have a good day," and hit "stop" on your phone. (I seriously miss the days of phone-slamming, lol)! Also, if this person was on-the-job at that time, try to contact their boss behind their back and report them, if you're able to do that. You don't owe anyone your sitting there listening to even more of their lies or lack of giving a damn about your situation.
đ love it
I'm so glad you finally found your voice! đ
I hope you've found more ways to use it than the mask debate. As a doc and scientist I don't sweat it since the microscopic holes in the mask are far bigger than the size of the virus and mask use has been associated with higher rates of illness in those who wear them AND emotional stunting in children (hidden facial cues).
Thank you I am working on that path as well. How to stand up to be an assertive empath or I can be kind but not get walked over. Bold as a lion.
Oh boy. I was a baaaad gatekeeper. All of these 12 things I wish I'd known. I was innocent/ignorant of narcissism, of dysfunction etc. etc. I was too trusting that he was telling me the truth and on and on. It's been 10 years of hellish dysfunction. Thanks to you I realize the truth. It's over, I'm done. 2022 is the year to get out of this very narcissistic relationship. Thank you so very much, Dr. Ramani.
If they shower you with lots of flattery, then it's a red flag. Run.
"Only the worthy should be allowed to enter your life". What a beautiful statement.
Im isolated and avoidant. I cant think of anyone who I need to be with so badly that I would allow them to know my personal details. Every. Single. Time. Your information will be shared. Km going to be a lonely senior, but its better than the alternative.
I love this. I keep attracting mean narcissistic people in my life and the cycle needs to stop once and for all!
They're targeting you, yes, but you're not doing anything to attract them. I know it's easy to self-blame or victim blame, but that's an artifact of the notion, from our childhoods, that, of course, if something bad happens to us, then we must have done something wrong to deserve it. That's extremely untrue though. Bad things happen to good people all the time, and it's not because they did anything wrong, or didn't do something right. It's because of a combination of being in the wrong place at the wrong time (accidents) and there just being so many truly evil narcissists out there, that you can't spin around with a blindfold on, be randomly stopped, and then throw a stone while still blindfolded, without hitting one. They're literally everywhere, because our society has bred so many people to be that way. That's just life.
Had I known this 47 years ago, oh my! "Married" 33 years, two children, free 14 years. I am so lucky I get to be w/meâŁïž
It's been less than a week, and he's like a battering ram, over the top love bombing. As soon as I showed this potential partner my boundaries, the mind fuckery began. Dude got exposed, now he just sends me insults, and that's in less than a week lol
Taking a bow. I'm so proud of myself, he kinda seemed perfect đ
đđđ
Comparing lovebombing to a battering ram is absolutely perfect. That's what it is.
@@lisarochwarg4707 Yup!! đ
WELL done, on seeing through this LOSER.....and BEWARE..... There's a LOT more to come!!!!!
Good for you!đȘđŒđ
They will tell you stories of all their personal drama in other relationships and always play the victim and blaming everyone else.
It is sometimes true.
But what about people, who really had so much repetitive bad experiences in life? They do exist.
yes and when given the hint that the reaction of the outer world might have to do something with them .. oooohhh .. thatÂŽs not what they want to hear
Absolutely.
And when they donât stop talking about their failed relationships
Deep down it never really feels like love and you know it isn't. It's like a drug and its addictive. I learned that pain and love do exist together but it doesn't have to intertwine in such a negative way with these narcissist
I left my dream job because he "said it was important to have weekends with me".... I was the manager at an amazing shop. đ This set the stage, from the VERY BEGINNING, of him seeing I'd give up _everything_ for him.
My mother has narcissist tendencies and thankfully with this pandemic, I was really able to observe and analyze even deeper about her behavior.
I think the pandemic made us all examine folks closely
BEWARE of MUSIC!!! If someone love bombs you through music - carefully selected songs with just the right lyrics - be on guard! Narcs only have cold empathy, so they like to use music, which has a DEEP affect on the human psyche, to dupe you into thinking that the emotions that the songs create in you are the emotions they feel for you - theyâre not!! This is a super effective narc tool that Iâve never heard anyone on CZcams talk about, but Iâve experienced it and so have several people I know. Also... donât be afraid to be judgmental; thereâs such a thing as good judgement. Red flags are a gift that tell you when to get out or away... donât ignore them or youâll live to regret it. PS, the concept of soul mates isnât real. Itâs difficult for some to accept that, but the sooner you do, the better off youâll be. â€ïž
My ex did this to me with music, wow I never thought it was another narc trait.
THIS!!! Because itâs so true and undervalued as how it can really mess with a personâs life. Just by listening to songs/words.
He would fill anniversary and birthday cards with romantic song lyrics. Same as Chris Watts, shudder.
OMG this is sooo true they literally try to mould you through music!!!
Yeah, they know if they establish " lv songs" all the while knowing the disregard is coming they know at some point it's going to be heard by us in the future for only to help them hover manoeuvring.
Tip no 13: when people you trust tell you they feel there's something wrong with your new boyfriend/ girlfriend...listen to them and consider their advice and warnings... they could see something you don't.
also observe what thye responce why and how. then detect if they are manipulative instinctivly
When I finally eased my way out of it , his daughter called me(nor he or me had heard from her in years, of course my fault) and congratulated me of having escaped, then asked me if I needed some help. Both she, her sister and their mother was worried for me and offered help. Good people do exsist.
Was going to suggest this also! Great point!
This was me. 2/3 friends shared they were concerned based on me telling them my ex stayed in touch w her exâsđ„Žđ
... or they do not want to loose their supply (you) and keep control of the situation...
Was just dumped by a man who did the constant texting thing. When I got frustrated and called him out he spiraled and cried saying he wanted to talk to his best friend constantly. But the messages seemed manipulative and controlling "whatchu doing?" "Where are you?" Etc. He broke up with me days later and ghosted even after I asked to get closure. Covert narcissist 100% and I see it now. He was talking about marrying me less than a month into dating. đ€Šââïž I keep falling for potential and seemingly nice hearts. Never again. This has happened too many times.
Me too
It would be so useful to have more videos on healthy relationships vs narcicistic/unhealthy and how to develop them. How to establish boundaries, how to not infringe on other's boundaries, but still protect ours, how to impress in a healthy way our romantic interest, etc. So far all your videos were very valuable and insightfull. Thank you, dr Ramani!
Yes, especially for those of us on the Autism Spectrum!
"Narcissistic relationships beget more narcissistic relationships." Pure gold.
#13 If you have to explain basic common courtesy to someone, walk away.
I need to watch out for extreme loneliness, which made me vulnerable to bad relationships either romantic or friendship.
After two long term, abusive relationships, I decided at the age of 42 to stop putting the responsibility of my "loneliness" onto something else e.g. a person/place/thing and finally concentrated on me.
10 years later, I am still celibate/not in any relationship, have a deeper understanding of my mental health, my needs and for the first time in forever, I have a future. I actually don't care, nor ponder on that future, the fact that *I* have a future after 40 years of abuse is enough. *I* am enough. So are you đ„°.
Oh so very true!!! Common curtsey in all senses.
it become endless shoveling bucket of projection and validation in ocean, its like 2 people on a raft shoveling walleter bucketing water, a splash contest
im tempted to corect them but it become endless and when im very corect they anger out and focus
they dont care its energy and they want it
đ€
Treat me badly once, shame on you. Treat me badly twice, shame on me.
Dr Ramani you're amazing!
Number 13, from my experiences, living in this infected society: avoid the social groups, either on social media, or in the real life. Some times they can be a stinky dirty swamps, that are full of zombies from all the bad psychological harmful disorders, walking in a shape of some decent whatsoever!
Thank you doctor Ramani.
Hahaha-- You're right. I thought it was all my fault. How many bumps on the head
to figure that one out.
@@jhavajoe3792 yep! Bumps, & bruises all over. From them I knew the ugly naked truth! Wisdom is so expensive! Problem is, those people are shape shifters! So, I find myself stumble over them from time to time, in a totally new different context! We just need to keep being cautious all the time.
Well, considering that groups are what mass-shooters target, yeah, I'd have to agree with you on that point.
#12 is the most important one. I was in a toxic relationship for 4 years because a close friend I trusted created doubt in my judgement and asked me to be extremely compassionate to the narcissist while ignoring my own life and emotional integrity. In hindsight this friend wanted me to pay attention to the other at the cost of my own life because she wanted to use me as a crutch/rescuer whenever she wanted at the expense of my own priorities. Beware of third party voices. One may think they are well intentioned, but most often they have selfish motives to keep your self esteem down. Trust your own instincts and raise the bar of self respect /self esteem. Most empaths come from disturbed /abusive households where their self worth was valued much less. They already feel that they don't deserve better. Dr. Ramani, please make a video on how to raise and protect self esteem.
Well put! đ
Narcissists are here to teach us to love ourselves, and find love from within. †One month narc free/no contact, and the experience has propelled me into a journey of self love, self care, and just an authentic and loving relationship with myself. Please be kind to yourselves.. there is light at the end of the tunnel. The end of this relationship is the beginning of an amazing new you!
Self love and having nurtured a healthy relationship with yourself will be your narc repellant in the future..â€â€â€
Y E S !!!!!!
Amen sis! Iâm in 100% agreement with you. If we donât get the lesson we will repeat it. The test will also come to test us again to see what residual we are still hanging on to. So many times you hear women/men meet someone that is a different NARC find themselves back in a crazy making relationship. Letâs slow down..know thyself đđ
It happened to me here and I'm healing and respecting myself a lot more. Some of us need to learn the hard way so we get it the first time
Very good advise for absolutely anyone.
I couldnât have said it better myself.
red flag: don't get easily involved with someone you don't know yet until you can really trust in who they are. Don't get emotional too quickly, and don't ignore your gut instintc. Thanks.
So so true. If you head into dating with the attitude of seeing the person as an alien being, rather than someone you want to partner with, it keeps your emotions out of the picture and keeps you safe. My friend is going through an online dating saga and every single time they realize she's not emotionally needy, the abuse is shocking. It's a surefire way to weed out the parasites and the abusers. The entire time she keeps saying her gut will say something isn't right and sure enough, a couple weeks later they freak out when she doesn't respond to mind games.
"beware those kinds of people who do not tolerate if you have a different opinion on something," solid gold comment.
At 17 mins. you mention a subset of Narcissists who proceed painfully slowly in relationships. You are considered lucky to be worth any of their time at all. Thank you for talking about this. I always wondered about my experience because there was that big difference, and nobody else talks about this type of Narcissist. Also, there was no bragging, just an arrogance that said he didn't have to brag. He would conduct tests to see how much I'd put up with and wanted his options open in case he found a woman willing to put up with even more. The charisma level was off the charts, so he had no trouble finding that. Even after many years, you should not give up a job or move far away without a firm commitment. The cold, slow type is so stingy with comments, that if they say something emotionally positive, it seems like it's a huge move forward and you may make the wrong move based on nothing but a few words. Once you give up everything, you have too much invested to back out, so you put up with even more....it's called throwing good money after bad.
This sounds just like what happened to me, they call them neglectful narcissists, probably the hardest to spot and in my opinion do the most damage to their victims.
They don't take no for an answer.
"second chances become habits, become enabling." Wow. I will remember this!
I'ma remember that too thank you đđđŠ
Wow is right!
I'm 30 and have never been in a narcissistic relationship (romantic/friend/etc) and I think the second chance thing is why. If I sense any kind of toxic behavior I either cut the person out completely or, if I can't do that, I put up an emotional wall where they can't affect me. It works every time.
Hi Mary⊠I am reading your comment and is my story right now. Thanks for bringing it out.
Yep, I figure if they are as perfect as they tell me, they dont need second chances.
#8: the bit you said about texting is spot on!!! And "the person can't hear you on the pacing of the relationship" is spot on!!! Get out if they don't respect you on that. As someone who has been through this repeatedly, every word you said on that is exactly right! Every single time I look back, I knew that's when I should have got out. I knew it in my gut at the time too.
Biggest thing I ever learned was to have compassion for the dysfunctional person (of whatever variety) . . . but if they do not change, then they will continue to be damaging. I'm allowed to protect myself from that damage, and prevention works SO much better before the damage occurs.
RED FLAG: they cannot cope with someone not having the same opinion about things as them.
If they ask you to do something for them that doesnât seem logical, moral, thoughtful, or polite and you want to please them, and they are telling you to do it like itâs normal, and your gut is uncertain, donât do it and run.
Yes. It's on YOU to set your own boundaries about what's right for you--not anyone else.
Oh definately i had this happen to me one time when I was walking. This guy insulted me but also invited me home. I didn't go home i knew something wasn't right in his head so i gave him zero chances. Sometimes zero chances is the only thing you can give a narcissist. They never report on the victims that never give them a chance. Just the ones they jack over. They pride themselves in it like it was an accomplishment.
They have that need to win mindset. It inflates their egos. Don't be afraid to deflate it if they disrespect you.
Anne Stewart
So True!
Zero chances is an option too
Yes they have a motto of asking for help constantly never ending... They don't understand well perhaps this person has given plenty of themselves I can't expect more I should be grateful.
Journaling everyday about my day and how it made me feel was a powerful change. To this day, it helps me identify when a new change in my life is not serving my best interest.
Wow!! âYou ARE lucky! You get to be with YOU!â Love it!! Saving this for my kids :)
âThe early months are as good as itâs gonna getâ. Spot on!!!!
Weeks lol
So true
At least wait a little over three months to get intimate. So you're putting them to the test. Love bombing can last so long, right. This should give us time to gather any red flags signs. Just like fighting hand to hand, if you move in first, and fast. You throw them off balance. Think about it, thats what the narcissists are doing. Kind of what Nazi Germany, and Japan did in world War 2.
If they are way too protective of their things, material things, anything from their car to their plants and show anger or even a glimpse of rage in protecting things over you, itâs a problem.
Exactly!! But they will help themselves to what belongs to you, and get upset if you dont give them access to what you have.
True!!
They pay a lot of attention to how much you notice, and also they take a lot of time noticing everything you have and do.
Or if you start thinking 'don't make them mad, they won't hurt me or any items but I still don't want them mad. It's a bad thing'.
I will be mad if you hurt my plants... or any plants. (I am a gardener and love plants.)
Thank you for your reinforced remedies to deal with the crisis that I suffered for 40 long years. No one should stay with this Evil thinking one day you will see the light at the end. Life is too short to waste on an Evil. Thanks again Dr Ramani.
Yep, you're so right Dr. Ramani, trust your gut! Not trusting my gut is what got me in trouble dealing with the narc. The first red flag was the relationship moving too fast. Next red flag was the out-of-nowhere rage. Then came the devaluation during our arguments. From a sweet person to a monster in a split second. I've never felt so much hurt in only a short 3 month time span in a relationship.
So true
When I meet someone new, I watch MYSELF to determine if they are a narc. If I have a desire to do things for them, or to commit myself to an action they seem to need, I know that's my "care taker" coming out. I have learned the hard way to run the other direction.
đđŸââïžđđŸââïžđđŸââïž CHECKING ME MYSELF AND I HAS BEEN THEE BEST REMEDY EVER!
Brilliant advice!!
Wow this is a really good one. Thank you for sharing it. It was exactly what happened to me but I didn't trut myself and was in a two months work relation with that person who said he was my friend. I lost a lot of money on that. At least I managed to scape before it was too late.
Thatâs a good one
Ohh this is good..
One of the things I learned from my experience in a narcissistic abusive relationship- love yourself, Respect yourself, Be proud of yourself. Donât let ANYONE make you doubt these things.
Beautifully said
Thank you! your words are what I need to read.
Thank you! That was beautiful...
Ten years ago, I was in a hurtful relationship for 4 years giving multitudes of second chances. I recently ended a year long relationship. I had recognized the same "issues" within 2 months but did not listen to my instincts. Afterwards, I happened upon your videos...........Thank You!! I now understand completely. Both were exact text book (Covert) and patterns of "issues" red flags you discuss in your videos. Good to know I'm not crazy, what I was dealing with (twice), and won't doubt myself again!!
As a woman, I have learned to be especially careful with female âfriendsâ who show a tendency to be clingy and demanding of all your attention. Fortunately for me, these particular individuals lived in different neighborhoods from mine, and didnât drive (Uber didnât exist, yet). In one case, I stopped responding to her calls. In the other case, I only respond to her text messages, and in a neutral manner. This, in turn, gives her nothing to work with in the way of conversation.
Can you explain more on this about what will happen if you let them come close?
I have done the same with clingy females, I even went so far as to set boundaries, and guess what, they were gone within a week.
@@lunasea4309 For me, my clingy friend took up a lot of my time, ringing multiple times a day, and as she was going through a traumatic event I was happy to help, but it was like this for over a year, and no matter what went on in my life she always needed help for her problems, it never stopped, I realised she was manipulating me and that she always had friends who gave her something, money or time.
This is happening to me now. I'm praying for this clingon to give it up already cuz I ain't taking the bait
@@elizabeth2416 I'm very prone to these one-way friendships. With the last person, I started asserting myself by talking about my own problems. That led her to tell me that she saw me and my life as a failure. Then she told me she felt abandoned when I stopped responding to her texts. Why she wanted to be friends with a "failure" like me remains a mystery. đ€·đŒââ
If every time you offer a suggestion to do something and they say no they have a better idea, run.
Yes. Apparently they don't need your advice so it's wasted on them. Don't bother.
The emergency alert of texting and phone calls had me LOLing and like, Wow! They're mostly all alike!! This was my relationship nearly all the way! Texts and phone calls are nice but not practically 24 hour contact!
And if you never get to finish a sentence because they know everything on every subject..
If they are insulting you, even subtly or acting like you are horrible or selfish and your best friends say you arenât, they are breaking you down.
And when they insult you and then say it was just a joke. Ugh.
@@helenhighwater5313 - yes, the "it's just a joke" brigade. When you call out that, they say, "learn to take a joke" and/or "get a sense of humour." I reply, "jokes are not something you *take.* If others have to take your jokes then you don't have a sense of humour. You're just a bully."
It shuts down most brats who do that put-down crap.
A friend of mine would reply, "you must not want good things for me" when someone insulted him.
Perfect.
@@kdphotos4691 True. And I've noticed that narcs in general are devoid of their own sense of humor, don't get jokes or if they do they act irritated and say "ha, ha, ha,". They're so insecure they can't stand the ability of others to see genuine humor in a situation, reason being that they have no control over it or over the laughter of others. They all need to be sent to an island where they can work their magic on each other and all implode in a narc critical mass.
@@helenhighwater5313 - that's a good point and I hadn't thought of it, that they don't have control over genuine humour.
@@helenhighwater5313 Their humor is at the expense of others. Making friends by talking behind ppl's back's.
One of my gatekeeping tricks is asking myself if my lifelong friends wouldn't do that to me or say that to me, and if they wouldn't then it's not OK. And I do that because my worst relationship was because of #12. My father (narcissistic) and his partner (narcissistic) would wait until I said I wasn't letting him come back into my life to say to me "It's a pity, we really like him, and we think you're soulmates.". #12 is so damaging because it completely invalidates any progress you may have made and we all know that if a narc gets their dirty grip into you that that progress is a long dark tunnel with a dull light at the end. I didn't have great male role models in my immediate family, so I had to assign that role to the friends I feel safe around. Thank you for this video, I definitely knew I felt stronger since I deep dived, but it's so appreciated to just hear these tips and pat my own back.
Gosh! I just love you! Iâve gained about 70 pounds thanks to narcissistic abuse and the resulting adrenal fatigue. đ
This needs to be taught in schoolsđđ
TOTALLY AGREE!!!!!!
Also-be aware when they try to isolate you. They make you feel guilty for seeing friends. Looks at how they treat service people. And watch out for the lying-be a skeptic-lying over stupid stuff that doesnât even matter. They will also try and compare you to other people or to make you feel jealous.
good detail; i was isolated by mental illness but they surely abused that isolation, 1 step alreayd done for them! they can hunt the wallet easier
Yes, isolating you from your family. Talking them down. Pointing out other people's flaws. Double binds.
Also, watch how they treat your đ dog and animals in general.
J EV yes, treating service people with distain is a HUGE red flag.
A neighbor I didn't know too well asked me to lunch. She was nasty to the wait staff b/c one menu item was forgotten. She left them no tip b/c she said, 'Sometimes you have to send a message.' She also ripped on the waitress behind her back b/c she had bad teeth. (As this 'Karen' sat there w/ her $20,000 veneers.) I kept my distance from her after that~and, she tried to turn other neighbors against me, for that reason. It was a very HAPPY day when she moved!!!
It really amazes me when a narcissist feels Theyre loosing us. They immediately become fully available to retain and confirm their source.
This is Truth! Until we look within, own up and take responsibility for our choices without beating ourselves up, truly putting the work in to healthy living, well worth it. Easy, no, but necessary! Praying for all!
I simply feel it in my stomach. I feel uptight when I am with a narcissist.
Kinda like some evil possessive cloud near you. Kinda creepy
By uptight do u mean gaslighted into being told ur a Karen for having boundries and knowing what u deserve best and not settling. Then i relate.
Everything ended up on the list for me at the moment
Yep. I would always convince myself I was happy. But while sitting with him I have this deep tight knit in my stomach and the desire to just fucking run and never look back. Primal instinct s kicking in. Always listen to your gut is my no 1 now.
@@keariewashburn4680 Yes! Like an energetic tug in my lower body đđ An urge to flee in another room, then my body releases stress as soon as the door is closed.
Watch what they say and what they do...if they don't do what they say they will do, HUGE red flag!!!
Lol, most of them don't know how to do..... They are always relying on others to do for them...
This is so funny to me. Raised by a narc mum, as a young adult I worked in a non-narc family and when they told me about their future plans, I smiled and nodded, expecting nothing. When they followed through and did what they said they will do, I was amazed!
True true
Know the difference between dreaming and plans with people
Watching this I thought of a catchphrase we can keep with us. Regarding gatekeeping early on in a relationship: STATE WHO YOU ARE, THEN STAY WHO YOU ARE.
I hope I'll remember that when/if I ever date again. With a list longer than my arm of ex-narcs, I may not ever date again. If I do, I'll remember those words and your inspirational warnings. Thank you for all you do.
Fear, guilt, hope and lack of information are what keep people stuck in narcisistic relationships. We must love ourselves and leave such relationships. Nobody deserves such terrible treatment. We get pulled in by seduction, love-bombing which has nothing to do with love, future faking and generally being deceived by a somebody who is playing a character - wearing a mask, not showing who they really are as they are empty houses inhabited by who knows what kind of evil spiritsâŠ
#2 (backwards) Catch yourself when you give YOURSELF justifications to deal with the narcissist, like âItâs just sexâ, âIâm not looking for anything seriousâ, âItâs just for fun, for nowâ....
Dream catching between feeling worthy, and being good enough. And no youâre not unlovable. This may need a lot of work in clarity, stability, into maturity. Doesnât matter if you are Male or Female. I personally do not think you can accel this process, if you see how many dysfunctional familyâs create these gaps in anyoneâs new life to just create new repeating not really sound patterns relationship wise.
thatâs how i got trapped. it was supposed to be just light fun and not serious. He didnât allow that and i went along with it slowly until i found myself in a relationship where he wanted me to not date others while he still was.
Yeah, it's a great trap especially when they are saying one thing to keep their sex supply but include doing relationship behaviour to confuse...
Can u send this to me like 10 years ago please đ„ș
Pay attention to the "Dead Eyes" the eyes don't have any emotions to them, and come with a smile. Basically the eyes look predatory looking eyes. Like a alligator, with an smile. This happen to me, with a female covert narcissist. This was during the love bombing. Just bench mark this one.
đ„ This should be the no.1 thing to watch out! đ
Psycho pathic eyes too
That was magnificent đ!!!đđ
@@sunstar2599 what are psychopathic eyes? are those the look, the smile, and the lie look.
@@michelleambrose2696 look movie. Lots of these eyes. czcams.com/video/JUs9KiQmais/video.html
I have a triad I look for on a first date⊠1. Any Small lie⊠typically itâs an irrelevant lie but if they lie about the little stuff, they will lie about the big stuff too 2. âI feel like I know youâ or pushing intimacy quickly. Not in itself narcissistic but with the other two, definitely concerning. 3. Lack of empathy. If I am unsure, I tell a story to see how they respond. If all 3 show up⊠and they usually do within 2 weeksâŠI run! Itâs my new checklist as I am recovering from narcissistic abuse and learning to trust myself again.
They usually also seem to not ask any meaningful questions about me and I feel as if I am interviewing them.
I'd say be grateful they aren't info-gathering on you. Not only could they use that later on, if you stayed with them that is, for the purpose of blackmail, but they could also use it together with info from "lookup" (doxxing) sites to steal your identity. Never tell anyone you're dating something you wouldn't hand on paper to a complete stranger on the street. Also, don't put any of that stuff online, not on social media and not in dating sites. These days, it's not even a good idea to put your address on shopping or ride-sharing sites, as that info gets shared, sold, or given away to the lookup/doxxing sites. People don't even have to log in to some of those sites, nor even pay anything, to see way too much info on you, including info that isn't only a matter of "public record." Even that info should require a warrant to be viewed, but it's not, so whatever.
Bless you Dr, Ramani. I am the 60 year old that didn't get how childhood trauma made me vulnerable and available to my narcissist husband. Ex Husband. He tried to kill me...whoa! I didn't understand a thing until a year later after I ran away from him and heard your videos. Bless you đ. Thank you! I am awesome nowđ„°
When he says, "All my exes are ____". In other words, he's never the problem even though he is the common factor between all the relationships.
That's often a very good sign, but couldn't it also be a sign that the person has been a magnet for narcissists?
@@esmereldaweatherwax7230 that's an interesting theory. I'm this case, and I bet most cases, he causes whatever he attributes to the other person. Either way, he has an external locus of control.
@@CandiPinki I was initially thinking the same way that you were. Then I started thinking of all the videos Doctor Ramani has made about certain types of people who repeatedly get into relationships with narcissists, and the comments made under her videos by people who say they keep attracting narcissists. The nicest, kindest people are most vulnerable to narcissists, and it would be a shame to "red flag" them because of that. Perhaps we could make it an amber flag? :-)
Bingo!
Totally...took me a year to fully realise.....then I got out...
One thing that is helping me right now is social distancing. Stay safe out there. đđđ
Honestly, yes! I don't know what would have happened with my ex and I if the pandemic hadn't happened mid messy breakup
Me, too. I like it.
Same here. It's been so helpful to cut out all the distraction and noise.
@Elle D â€
It's been a godsend keeping them away
Thank you for your work! The narcissist is cold and intolerant. They show their repressed issues by overreacting. I have an entire family of emotionally dysregulated rationalizers. Inner child work can help you reduce the wounds that the narcissists try to open. Its not my job to save everyone. "Don't you know who i am"- i'm enjoying your book.
I realized that empathy can work against us in these situations and the most important thing that we can do is to draw our boundaries around ourselves instead of other people. It literally doesn't matter why they did what they did. It only matters if what they did is something you want to deal with
Avoid disclosing too much personal information, especially when it comes to your relationship goals, your weaknesses, or any hardships youâve endured. They will use all this information to get you hooked in, by making you believe they can save you. Later on, they can use that same information to hurt you. Also, listen closely to what they say. At some point, they will call themselves out on any ulterior motive they may have.
Yes. Beware the people who figure out what you want to hear and then say it, and they do it subtly and so believably.
I can't stress enough on this. Also, never ever show them how miserable their behavior makes you feel. One might think that might make them 'realise'.....nope. Not them. They WANT you to break. DON'T. Even if you are, don't show it. They'll get popcorn and watch you....along with the smirk.
#13: Donât care to hear what you say or return kindness.
#14: Constant need of you & your time & resources
#15: Ungenuine apologies/anger when you call them out on things/speak truth
Thank you Dr. Ramani!
So true.
I never heard the word "sorry" from a narc or one with a narc traits. Best to deal with those is block forever and find tribe who is healthier so a person can start heeling process. They like to take your kindness and empathy for weakness and do not validate and empathise with you as well. Know very well (skilled) in how to take without giving an f' for you, and always think everything is about them because only their experiences are valid and important.
Excellent additions!
@@jasmina9275 my narc doesnât say sorry, but he gifts me something then say I canât be mad at him for treating me badly because of the gift.
Dr Ramani is so beautiful. Every video I see Iâm in awe of her beauty. Her makeup is always minimal and so natural. Her face is so expressive. Does anyone else see it?
After I got rid of my narcissistic husband Iâve been taking some time to reevaluate what I want in a partner. In the process of that, I have deflected so many toxic horrible men and while I feel like maybe Iâm failing sometimes I have a very clear picture of the type of person I donât want to be with. I feel like that old video game where you have to get the frog across the highway Iâm just gonna wait so I donât get kissed by a Mack truck! Thank you Dr. Ramani for all of your very real advice because sometimes life is hard and we look for things that are like a fairytale and to be able to learn how to discern a quality partner and a prince not so charming that is a life skill!