WATCH THIS! To learn how to break the trauma bond with a narcissist
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- čas přidán 28. 01. 2023
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The abusers will never ever admit their nastiness and malice!
My gf of 4 years.. went out ..came home late as f.
She caught herself in her own lie and she was losing it when i asked her to come clean on where she went.
She broke up with me in that moment...and said we cant do this anymore.
4 years. Gone. Went back to her ex narc.
Fml
@@dwaynemcinnes5914 I'm Soo sorry to hear this Dwayne 🫂🥹l... Typical Narc behaviour
NEVER!!!!!!
@@dwaynemcinnes5914 sucks 😞 sorry my guy you did dodge a bullet in the long run . Let her be the next guys nightmare
Or call you a narcissist
I did it! Even though I thought I would die without him. Broke trauma bond with malignant narc after 10 years together. More than 6 months no contact, ignoring hovering. Continuing with my trauma therapist. Feeling strong. Thank you Dr Ramani for your wisdom. You are a gift to all of us. 🤗
That’s awesome. I have such a hard time with no contact. I will get there. 💞💪🏻
6 months isn't long enough. It's like Dr Ramani says.....its like addiction. Make sure you avoid them so they can't hoover you back in. Great job though I'm not putting you down, keep it up and stay strong!
Me too. I got away after a 5 year one. RAGER.
I left narcissist girlfriend 3-1/2 years ago and went no contact. Cut off all forms of communication with her and I'm at peace now. No more ruminating thoughts but still am in recovery stage. Do not let your guard down. God has led me to a much happier place 🙏
Congratulations you were strong enough to endure this unfortunate abuse & behavior you are strong enough to heal from it
I left after 30 years, 3 years later I'm still healing. I pray for healing for all of us. This is the first time I have cut off all contact. I am suffering with emotional distress and it's causing headaches. I'm now on Trintellix and anxiety medication. I'm proud of myself for loving myself. I have way too much empathy. I deserve a good life.
You can do this! I believe in you! Don't be too hard on yourself, that's what I've learned in this process. Perceive it as any step in the right direction is a win and chalk it up as such. And remember to heal for you, not in spite of him. 😊
You got this ❤❤❤
Hugs you Will make it❤❤❤ I Made it
You give me hope
I believe in you! You are giving me hope. I am 20 years in marriage with narcissist who is abusing me psychologically. Pray for me so I will have strength to leave !
I have to watch your videos every day to keep myself from going back to my trauma-bonded abuser. Thank you thank you thank you a million more times
Yeah. It happens to the best of us! Thank goodness there is hope, we’re not alone in this mess.
Me too
I’m experiencing the same & it’s taking such an emotional toll , hang in there
@@lizrubio7341 Thank you 😊 it’s been about 2 months now. Still think about him every day but the pain is much more tolerable. You hang in there, too 💛
Same here… I need these reminders frequently because I start forgetting about the pain and betrayal… or I think I’ll just take it so I can have the very brief intense moments back again. I come so close some days to reaching out but just have to let it pass, like addiction cravings. So grateful to you Dr. Ramani and this community of support 🙏
In short trauma bond is like addiction .
Yes it is!!!!!!! I’m trying to break the habit. I never knew anything about it! She has been a tremendous help to me in my life here recently.
I’ve been dealing with guilt, questioning myself and wondering if I’m the narcissist. I realize now that I’m trauma bonded. This video was a blessing
This is me too, I ask is it my, I’m so confused over what happened.
Yes I got so crazy and sad and broken when healing I would lash out at everyone and I thought I am so bad and actually narcissist and they the victim
Me too
Me too I wonder if I'm the narcisssisit
Me five. I started watching these believing I needed help because I was the toxic narcissist, but I can only pinpoint two bad traits so far. I definitely am trauma bonded and want to break that and have a healthy one.
15:30
1. Acknowledge the abuse.
2. Explore your early attachments.
3. There is no jackpot in this relationship. The narcissist is not going to change.
4. Judge the relationship in the here and now. The cycle will look more like the abuse that it is.
5. Keep a list of the things that make you uncomfortable about the relationship, and refer back to it when the narcissist tries to reel you back in.
6. Seek therapy with someone who understands both narcissism and trauma.
Dr Ramani is a saint. Her content should be part of high school curriculum. I wish I had known what was happening to me as I was growing up and in my 20s. Now in my 30s I feel so sad for the time I lost to these monsters!!!
I have a mil that is covert narcissist. I'm going to teach my girls 10 and 12 about narcs as I've brought them up to be empathic. We start next week.
Same with me. I'm in my 30s now and mourn all the years I lost by trying to help and support toxic boyfriends that never reprocicated any of that energy and support. But for both you and me, we can be grateful that the best years of our lives are still ahead of us. We have learned a ton and are strong enough to carry both ourselves and others. Just imagine what we can do if we use all that strength in ways that benefit us instead of others. Stand by yourself my friend, and you will have the best life you can have from now on!
@@gailrobinson3853 you’ll be teaching them invaluable lessons. Healthy friendships and romantic relationships will be the norm for them.
@@PetterssonRobin thank you and you are so right. I’m still so young in my 30s and am finally enjoying my life. No more fear and pain. I’m so grateful these resources are getting out to the masses. I’m focusing on my health, career and the things my wonderful, sane husband want to create. We live in love and happiness. I wish you a lifetime of joy, love and peace!
True
Trying to forget someone you care about is the same as trying to remember someone you have never met.
If they are MEAN enuff you don't want to remember them.
They don't CARE ABOUT US. WE MUST LEARN THAT.
@@KoolT you're absolutely right but it's hard when you think about all the good things. One of the worst things was that she was talking bad about me to my mother while we were together. I wasn't aware of it, but after we broke up my mother told me to forget about her and don't waste another minute thinking about her.
Not all times were continuously bad or we wouldn’t stay in those relationships very long. It is OK to remember some of the positive memories as long as we don’t fully forget the negative. It definitely helped me to journal to not develop trauma amnesia.
@@lazycatdayz4ever905 👍
Part of the problem in my experience is our sense of guilt for leaving a relationship too soon. Time and time again I went back thinking that if I can do this last thing it will fix the relationship. I very literally scraped the bottom of barrel trying to find something that may turn the relationship around. I just didn't want to bear the guilt that I have not done everything possible. This futile pursuit caused 17 years of pain, doubt and constant anxiety to me and the ones I love.
Do the best you can to let the girls go. We only do the best we can do every day. You’ve learned a lot along the way. Start from today and look forward. Wishing you all the best.
Hugs dear. That's been one of my downfalls.
Right We don’t want to “give up” or we don’t want to be the “quitter” in the relationship I stayed for 7 years in this toxic mindset as well 🙏🥲
Very good Dr. Ramani.
I am getting ready to leave my marriage of almost 30 years.
All you said is what I have experienced and more.
Thanks again.
Oof. Yes, all of this. That guilt is a powerful motivator.
"We had to save ourselves, and that felt uncomfortable" simple yet profound.
Check out Celebrate Recovery Program!!!
I broke the bond after 3 years. I feel so free.
How are you doing ?
u r lucky one
I was absolutely trauma bonded but the important word there is "WAS"
I don’t know when I’ll get there :(
Not only is that the important word, it’s the best word
@@CherrysJubileeJoyfully yep! Very true
I look so forward to saying this....was rather than is
I don’t want to give up on feeling this strong connection. So many people are not able to feel that intense …
Being raised by a narcissistic mother, I never learned to love myself. Needless to say, many toxic relationships later, I do love myself now. It took years of being mistreated until I finally said "enough".
Thank you Dr. Ramani.
Same here - 10 years of therapy and my own hard work and I LOVE MYSELF NOW. so I can love others !!! Thank you Dr. Ramani.
Hugs
Me too same
Linda this very encouraging....your story sounds similar to mine...narcissist mom and several relationships that parallel my relationship with my mom
My story is the same as yours. The narcissist in my life is my mom!! 😮
Dr. Ramani you are such a gift and blessing 🙏🏻❤️. THANK YOU for the explanations and examples. I’m going to send some $$ as a support to you and a different type of “thank you” as soon as I can.
Yes I feel like I’m the problem sometimes but then if I re-read text messages I’m proud of myself for being level headed, clearly expressing my needs, establishing boundaries and then I’m met with rage, gaslighting, verbal abuse, word salad and I’m left confused.
Yes, these things help. I have my journals, and when I start to weaken in my resolve, I will read an entry. My heart breaks for that woman sobbing in bed and having her husband kick her away. Or the wife functioning like a single parent because the father refuses to even see his daughters as flower girls. And so on. Reading these entries helps me remember why
I see myself in your words. I hope you're still proud of yourself and that you're feeling better as a result.
@@mmorgan7918 I appreciate that. It’s been difficult breaking the trauma bond and dealing with the wave of emotions after a catastrophic betrayal. He was living a double life, cheating on me with his ex wife, etc. I’ve since discovered he lied to me about almost everything except a few basics. It’s been therapeutic watching Dr Ramani’s CZcams videos, listening to her podcast, searching TikTok, joining specific fb groups regarding narcissism to understand what I’ve gone through. I’m not alone. But at the same time I’m in a state of shock at how many people have been affected by people with this kind of pathology/personality disorder. I don’t believe the statistics on the internet, I’d say they are exponentially worse. Sending hugs of healing to you.
I’ve had some incredibly dark nights and I tell myself, if I can live through the constant pain of being with him, I can thrive with the sporadic aches he causes now. I reflect on my journaling and reinforce my boundaries.
You are brilliant and you know it. You got this!!❤
I have CPTSD, normalized abuse for years, and did not understand how strong I was until I became supply for a narcissist. I've learned a new language and I will share my knowledge.
YOU CAN BREAK FREE.
YOU CAN BE HAPPY.
YOU CAN SURVIVE.
YOU
CAN
THRIVE.
I remember how wonderful it felt when my narcissistic spouse left for work. A calm fell over the house. I was able to enjoy our children on a much deeper level. When he came home it was like world war 3. Thinking of it now actually makes me sick to my stomach but happy that toxic parasite is no longer a part of my life. Thank you for sharing this video with the public. It’s been years since I had to deal with him on a daily basis. The healing process is a long road.
‘A calm fell over the house’
I felt that. 💔
@@amykyns15 me too.
A sense of Calm when he leaves… I feel that so much!
When my dad had to work, it was the same for us. Strangely comforting to read it did not only happen to me. It took a long time to understand that my dad has a N-disorder and I worked in for a lang time with kids with attachement disorders. Its a long road indeed! Bless you and your journey, xx
M
Dr Ramani, I just needed you to know that I owe my life to you. About 4 weeks ago my husband of 14 years raged his last rage at me. I knew I was being emotionally abused but never had the language or resources to understand what it was exactly. After this last rage he let something slip that took me by surprise. He said that I contstantly emasculate him. I would never intentionally do that so I realized I was dealing with some deeper problems. I found your book “Should I Stay” and while reading it my entire relationship started to make sense! I did decide it was time to leave and started making plans. What followed was the most intense psychological mind -F of my entire life. It’s like I shined a light on my brain and saw it covered in spiders. I had PTSD level stress responses, cognitive dissonance wars, extreme sadness (mostly for him and how he would feel), and finally with GODS help and guidance I have found acceptance. I have watched dozens of your videos everyday to keep up my nerve and deconstruct my brain. After you gave me the language that I needed to understand, it’s like I can see the matrix and every conversation we have is recognized for what it is, which is narcissistic manipulation. This morning my sister is coming over and I’m packing up to leave. I know that the road ahead of me is going to be tough, but my kids are grown and there will be less friction in that department at least. I know the damage that has been done is great but with God’s grace, I will overcome this and move forward with my life. I Thank you with all my heart. ❤
You are such a warrior angel.
@jennywilson7443 so happy for you!!! I hope you're new life brings you peace of mind and calmness!! I wish you the best in life! Keep being courageous and keep loving yourself!💕❤️❤️🫂
Yes! Be gentle with yourself, give yourself a year to detox, heal and love your own company! Lots of self care! You WILL grow and find peace finally!🥳🙌👍🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
Keep going on your brave path and you'll never look back. God Bless.
I’m there with you! Same situation. You explained the eye opening moment perfectly
I’m 51 and I’ve been in an unhealthy marriage for 26 years. I could probably write a book about my chaotic journey, but to get to the point of this video, looking back, it still makes me physically sick to remember how horrible I would feel. Like something was wrong with me and it was all my fault. My husband is more covert in his behavior, so it easily slips under the radar, but has left me feeling like I’m going crazy. I just want out and I’m trying!
23 for me too
Sorry you are suffering for so long. I am attaching a video from Richard Grannon that helped me finally leave. Good luck
czcams.com/video/YAmqrEBzw4c/video.htmlsi=soB2cfzqcXLMqdHV
Me 2. 24 yrs ug
38 years for me. Halfway through divorce. They fill my head and I just want peace.
@@traceyhumphreysartist 33 years, 1/2 way thru divorce. Thank God for Dr. Ramani who can give us words to explain the insanity we've endured!
It’s a strange world we live in, you have saved my life, but yet you don’t even know me. 🙏❤️
The best help I got in the trauma bonded relationship was when a therapist said " if it's not good enough for her why is it good enough for you? "
Omg yes all the time. I always feel like I’m the bad person in this relationship. My husband can be present and will sit there ‘listening’ whilst I repeat the same dialogue in hope to get through to him. He then opens his mouth to defend himself and bingo…he manages to turn everything around to be all my fault by deflection with insults about how I’m always attacking him and being critical. That’s when the doubt kicks in. Trauma bonding is such a difficult thing to explain unless people are prepared to hear the whole story.
Yep…never listens and gets mad when you call him out for it.
Also never takes you seriously so when you mention something you care about he completely disregards you and crushes your spirit.
So true. It took a lot of courage for me to ask my husband to listen to what I want to say about our relationship.. then, after I let it all out, he twist and said that I always finds his fault, never appriciate what he has done for me, not understand him and so on.. it's frustrating because we had the same conversation for years and as always he didn't get it and said that I always find his faults. All I asked just emotional connection like smiles, loving words, hugging etc. Now I know about trauma bond and it makes sense
My husband is the same way. He physically abused me too
Oh no, so relatable 😢
My life for 17 years
Just deal with the pain, either the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. There's no way to avoid the pain, it's about which one do you prefer.
amazing advice actually
I feel relaxed and more comfortable when he’s away. But now that he isn’t coming back I feel sick.
We need to learn to discern the difference between falling in love with an image and falling in love with the person.
Good point...many of us also have narc. traits and are in love with the idealised pictures of us self in the relationship with the über narc. .... a love of a narrative
Yeah. The idea of hope in the person, seeing the good in them and remember the calm moments, is what kept me coming back.
The biggest shift in my life is when I no longer could “unsee” abusive behavior from my parents, sibling, boyfriend, and friend. I put them all in a little rowboat together and sent them off to sea. This little visual makes me smile. 😄
I love the metaphor of the slot machine-so very helpful.
Lol love this ❤😂
thats exactly what I did for my ex husband, and have sent the last ex packing in the same little boat!
Have you watched Andrew, you are not Alone?
Because, Yes, we cannot UNSEE WHAT WE HAVE SEEN!
The metaphor of the Slot machine resonated with me too.
His favorite joke, to others when we played the Slot machine together .
Was, "with Women,,you never get back as much as you put in"
I actually now know, that was his deflection!
true, once learned about emotional invalidation and emotional manipulation, i started realizing most of my relationships were unhealthy, and proceeded to cut people out of my life. feels much better not having so much clutter on my phone :)
Before I ceased contact I was unaware of the impact. After blocking I felt great relief. I tidied my house and garden, got rid of things I didn't use or need, clutter I had been hanging on to. I didn't care how my abuser felt about me blocking them. Conversation with friends and family changed becoming positive, no longer immersed in the agonising trauma and confusion of mind games and being accused of never being good enough, and neglecting the abusers demands that I take responsibility for their problems and their inability to take responsibility for their own situations and problems. I've listened to hours of Dr Ramani and know I have done the right thing for myself. Thank you for helping me make the right decision for myself.
That last part is so true. I went on a two week vacation away from my parental home, and the first morning after arriving when I realized my narcissistic father was not there to criticize me or tell me mean things, I breathed such a deep sigh of relief.
"Idealize, devalue, discard, hoover and brrrrrrr, start over again." This is exactly what my narc would do with me over and over again, until I woke up thanks to you Dr. Ramani. The last time he tried to hoover, I held steadfast and did not respond. The breadcrumbing and hoovering has been going on for two years now.
that sounds tragic.... i feel your pain dear one!
It's hard because naturally you want to be nice to someone who is being nice until you realize over and over again it is a tactic. It's hard always being around someone you don't trust.
Stay strong
I understand
Dear Dr Ramani,
We get so wrapped in reading each other's stories, relating to them and trying to give love and support, that we sometimes forget to thank you for your advice and expertise on the subject.
So here it is, a big one:
for opening our eyes, for clearing the confusion and for the hope and strength many of us need to find the light in the darkness. For helping us break free, so we can heal and start living healthier, happier lives. And so we can forge more meaningful, loving relationships. ❤
Beautiful words that are very much so easily felt like I said them myself for i feel that im my heart and soul, Thank YOU
5:38 yikes 5:38
4:06 Thank you for helping me see there is healing for me. 65 yrs with mom, the narcissist 😢
Now I have a clear picture of what trauma bond is and thank you very much.
It feels Amazing when the narcissist is gone.
The story of the woman at the airport resonated with me a lot. After leaving my ex, I would take a walk to the grocery store or park, or just around the neighborhood, and one day, I decided to just take a different route back home. I had no idea which streets I was walking on, but knew the general direction of my place, so I wasn't worried about getting lost. I was just enjoying the quiet, cool fall breeze. Then I realized if he had been with me, he would have been so angry at me for wasting his time, confusing him, not not doing something his way.
When the woman was able to just do her own stuff at her own pace and grab the snacks she wanted... I can relate to the feeling of relief and liberation. I cried a bit, looking back on how terrible things were in that relationship and how much better my life is now.
I can relate everything is a problem it all has to go there way
My abusive and violent wife left (1 1/2 months ago) after almost 40 years of marriage and took all the $. Your CZcams videos are the only therapy I have. Thank you for your help.
She did you a favor! Better days are ahead ❤
enjoy ur life now
Hope you're OK now scott
You went through that for 40 years ! Whew now you can start living the life you deserve ❤️
Hey… I hope you’re doing OK… I just ended a two year relationship yesterday with somebody that checked all these boxes for narcissism….
Every time I feel like an addict, because my mind spits up nice memories and I miss him, while he abused me so badly, I watch one of your videos. This one is soooo confronting and therefore so good!! 🙏🏻
Hey, how are you doing now? Have you managed to maintain no contact?
The nice memories , exactly.
It’s like, you call to receive your daily “fix” of abuse…until you realize, that’s EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE DOING!!! And you tell yourself, that’s what sick people do!
I am a survivor of narcissistic abuse in a same sex relationship. I have learned so much from you that I actually became a psych Nurse Practitioner and am looking get certified in trauma counseling. I’m am still heading and working through my feelings. Thank you Dr. Ramani🙏🏽.
Amen! Good for you! That's awesome
Do you need to have a degree of some sort to have the certification for trauma counseling?
I am missing my x during holidays. Just to say hi. But I have ñot received any response from her. Since she rage about me not calling right on the day of her birthday.., I sincerely apologize..quite honestly I feel it's a trap to my emotions.although we are not together it's been 18 years... I will not seek further. God bless you my friend . Ànd thank you for sharing.VA
Yesterday I felt like the bad guy. He broke our agreement for Christmas. I stood my ground and asked him to leave. He looked so confused and I felt sick to my stomach a mix of nausea with a rock sitting on my stomach. But I went on with the rest of my day. I did it.
I've been hiding everything about my relationship with my ex. Everyone thought it was perfect. I still feel shame of my situation and how stupid I was to get into relationship with him. He was just the man that I dreamt about. It was too good and nice since day one. And I ignored all them red flags 😢
I totally understand I am in this same situation as I write this 😢 I’m tired
Same. I knew to guard myself against the toxicity that was my last relationship before my narc but was grossly under prepared for the massive manipulation he used to make me feel bad for him and want to help make his life better after a lifetime of sadness and pain with his parents and ex. Which I now know was all bs. After his parents died, suddenly they were saints in his eyes and the so called "bad things" that they did were funny and endearing. 😳😳😳😳
OMG... same here. I just left him 4 days ago, and I am struggling emotionally bcuz I genuinely love him. I find myself crying out of nowhere. It's extremely hard but I have to stay strong 💪
Every single word you say is my life, 10 years I went back and fourth, I always always went back, even though I knew I was being abused, I would say it out loud, although I down played it to my friends and family. This last time I left I knew I had to get help so I wouldn’t go back. I did therapy before I even left, and then I left him last March, but still couldn’t disconnect until November I went no contact. You won’t believe the peace and contentment I feel now.
I was so scared to leave for years. It nearly killed me. The pain is intense. And even now I have to jog my mind when I start missing him. There is nothing to miss. Now I feel like I need more therapy to help me sort me now. My mind is all scrabbled. I’m going through your videos and it’s helping me to recognise all the behaviours and work through my feelings and sort of file them away.
Thank you very much for understanding. I feel like no one in my life understands. I can’t talk to anyone about it. I think they all gave up on me years ago. Everyone told me to leave. And couldn’t understand why I wasn’t. Even I couldn’t understand.
I thought I was the problem. Thank you for making me realise I’m not insane and I’m not alone. ❤
Almost identical to my story, except for I haven't had the guts to make him leave with the legal paper of some kind I keep thinking there's something that I could do or something he will change but it's been 5 weeks separated in different parts of the house and I'm the one that decided on it because I couldn't take the gaslighting anymore and all of the rest of the abuse that went with it so now I'm getting the silent treatment because I in his eyes I'm the bad girl for not giving him his narcissistic Supply, I do see a therapist for trauma therapist and I do listen to these videos and their helpful but it's almost like the minute that I leave the therapist or my job or my volunteer work the reality kicks in that it's still a problem and I never knew about narcissism until a little while back and it feels like heck! I just hope that I can stay busy because once he leaves I think I'm going to be even worse and it is almost like an addiction because you know the person is bad for you oh, I mean we're smart women but how does a person get on with their lives because you don't want to go out with another man because they might be twice as bad or whatever but it would be nice to at least have more of a female social life and I don't have very many friends I live in a very rural area any tips from anybody that might be reading this would be welcomed thank you😊
❤
Just so you know I'm trying myself get the cuts up to do what you have done listen to these videos to help, i understand how hard it is no one gets it i have lost friends and family. I wish i could help you , help everyone.. Mine has been sleeping in a diff part of the house hes been so cold to me this is second time he was gone last time 2 months it was awful but i never let him know how awful but he told me he would get counseling but of course it didn't work I'll never do that again. It's been two years since then and my husband is doing nothing now to fix nothing because he doesn't want to face anything cuz that's what they do I'm getting the silent treatment, I always feel bad when I read these comments because I do understand and I know what it feels like and I wish I could help💛 and I also wish somebody could help me but what can a person do but these videos do help you are right about that I'll keep you in my prayers
You are not alone
Right here with you. Thank God we GOT OUT 🙏
Dr. Ramani has been the best therapist I encountered. I never encountered this personality and it is eye-opening. When narcissism is paired with bipolar schizophrenia, it is like entering a black hole.
Your videos are saving me.
Keeping me from returning to a narcissistic abusive relationship and helping me get through the long days. You have changed not only my life, but also, through my strength and new knowledge, for generations to come with my daughters. You are a blessing.
Same here. Glad we aren’t doing this alone. Just got discarded.
@@thevaporshoppe stay strong
Stay strong
Keep strong, mama. I grew up watching my father abuse my mother, and no matter how many times I said "I will never be treated that way" I ended up in 2 marriages that were full of abusive patterns. I am finally going to get therapy. This cannot go on. If you can get your girls to do some kind of prevention therapy when they are in their 20s, it might save them years of heartache. I have hid most of my abuse from my mom - I've been in so much denial.
My back story is I am not worthy of mother’s love. I kept trying to win her love so hard… few crumbs fed my hope. This is how I ended up with vulnerable fragile narcissist. Casino metaphor is spot on about my trauma bond. Thank you Dr. Ramani. ❤I am still stuck… it may be too late for me😢if you read this, run. Protect your body from destruction, because this where emotional abuse ends up: fibromyalgia, IBS, depression, self neglect … yes, it will wear your body. Love yourself because you deserve it. ❤
Why it is to late my dear? Greetings from Germany
@@sabrinamorell1222 Dear Sabrina, it may be too late, because my body is warned out. I realized the stress and the unhealthy habit of denying myself right to be angry, caused fibromyalgia, poor sleep and recent fall. I injured my back. However the recent injury forced me to turned my attention to my needs. I am dedicated to physical therapy, so if I recovered, I would like to leave narcissist. I anticipate he will sabotage my attempt to break free… sadly, our daughter married the fragile ( covert) narcissist too, who is financially and emotionally dependent on her snd creates great difficulty with proceeding to separation. My grandchildren suffer. At this point I would want to put energy into supporting her and keep our household stable for the benefit of grandchildren. There is a painful realization now, that my narcissist husband sympathizes with his narcissist son in law, but he disclosed this to me only. Our daughter would be devastated if she discovers this. While I do all my exercises to get my body in better shape, I want to spent the energy on helping her to succeed in separation from the narcissistic & alcoholic father of her children. Thank you for asking. As I write to you I could see also my complicated position… narcissist don’t mind hurting their children unfortunately. Good night🌙
@@gorunsko31 so sad to hear this!!!!
I was married to a Covert and got sick too.. tuberculosis.
He told me 3 times that he would kill me, if God doesnt exist. Once he told me that before my 3 daughters 9, 10 and 24 years old.
I divorced him in Texas, although he is a German, went in a shelter for help, leave the Country, went back to Germany and staying in a place, where he dont know about.
My only help was God, because he was lying about me in Church too. Davastating !!!!
Im free from this Monster since 5 years now!
Wish you become free and live in peace with your children and grandchildren.
The God of the bible helped me through!
In Love my dear and a big hug!
@@sabrinamorell1222 I hear you. The results of his threats is a loss of sense of safety. Be gentle with yourself and cultivate self love. Being kind to ourselves is the best efficient way to heal from abuse. Narcissistic people have only 3 feelings: fear, shame and rage. They are not fully adults. The are missing other feelings like compassion, empathy this is why can be cruel. You deserve the best as I see you are a kind human being. 🙏❤️
@@sabrinamorell1222 I am proud of you for leaving the abuser. I sorry you suffered. Be kind to yourself as this is the best healing from the narcissistic abuse. Thank you for your empathy. We need to nurture ourselves. Hugs to you.🤗🙏🫶
I grew up thinking I was the bad person. 30 years of working on myself, I'm finally establishing healthy boundaries in relationships.
In my marriage he left for two weeks and the amount of peace i felt was incredible. That was a turning point for me.
Man, this perfectly describes what’s it’s like dating an avoidant person..
This perfectly explains the relationship with my soon to be ex husband. I spent every bit of myself to keep him appeased and in his good favor for over 10 years. After healing my anxious attachment style, I finally got brave enough to end it, but not without his retaliation. Separating has been the most stressful point of my life, but I am thankful for my personal growth. Old me would have cracked under the pressure.
Sending hugs. I’m going through same thing right now
I am going through the same now too
OMG,same! Hugs to you!
Yes! Every bit of that!
🎉🎉🎉 You are a bad a$$!! Congratulations!!
My ex tried to pull the narcissistic trick of ignoring the papers but it backfired. If he had read the papers he would have known that he only had 30 days to respond here (Ontario Canada) and if he didn't respond in that time the divorce would proceed as uncontested. So in trying to make it hard for me he actually made it easier
once you know their predictable script you can handle things well...well done
@@carolinekamya2339 ty
In ontario caanada he would have been screwed anyway. He did the smart move and saved his money from the shark lawyers. The judgement would have turned out the same.
I once left for 6 months but was love bombed back, when he wants to charm he’s amazing. I’ve lost myself, I was confident, I’m now completely confused and feel bad . He lies, manipulates, he monitors my cycle and blames my hormones for our issues but also charms, and everyone loves him. He’s passive aggressive so mostly doesn’t get cross, but huffs and puffs, sulks, bangs cupboard doors - he lets me know he’s unhappy if I’ve done something he doesn’t like. Though we’ve been together 20years, and I can’t bring myself to leave him, I still care for him but I’m facing a choice of him or me as I’m deeply depressed.
You , Urself always first
I had 35 years then he passed. 5 years later I realized what he was and what he put me through. I’m sad and angry that my marriage was a lie. What I had always wanted was never there. I can’t go back and change things but many times I wanted to leave and knew something wasn’t right. Had I learned this long ago you bet I would have walked
@@Horsewoman-pt2ku Stay Strong ~ Love Urself . Try 2 understand Everything Happend to u .
Accept it and move on
U are better Without Them
I feel like Dr Ramani is talking directly to me - everything in this video resonates so much. It has been a true ‘light bulb’ moment discovering this channel. Suddenly the last 40 years make sense, and I now can’t get enough information about narcissism. I can’t really explain it, but your videos make me feel safe. You speak from a place of such knowledge and wisdom, and with such warmth. Thank you for opening my eyes to what has been an incredibly confusing time. You have given me strength to move forwards.
Yes I’ve been in an abusive marriage for 40+ years these videos have given me so much understanding of narcissist relationships I never knew and the trauma cycle. I’m trying to make changes but it’s hard and complicated after so many years.
"They have the freedom to make another choice they just aren't" that one hit me.
Mine wanted me all to himself, yelled at me in front of public, was aggressive towards me when out, tried to gaslight me at all times, took me away from my friends and even tried to put himself first before my family. He then invalidated my feelings at all times when I would cry my heart out to him and telling him how he has hurt me just to see him smirking and utilizing defenses like a machine gun to further degrade and dévaluate me. He never once said sorry during the moment of doing something wrong and never apologized genuinely and on his own. I begged. I hate him for all that he’s done. He gave me the world and then the outburst his realness came out. I just got off the rollercoaster.
One heck of a roller coaster it is! Wishing you strength and happiness.
I started reading the comments and yours is the one i relate to the most, even if it lasted only 9 months it changed me for the rest of my life, I lost friends, self confidance, my joy, my family and a lot more, I cried all the long and never felt that my feelings were valued, I remember once I was crying my heart out at 4am and he was so indifferent watching tv like nothing was happening, I was choked how little he cared, each time we fight he yells at me even when we were out, I neglected everything I used to care for, always trying to put me down, to criticize everyone I cared for, my knowledge was a threat to him so each time he had the chance to tell me how stupid and how little I know he took it, he could take care of himself but not me (too busy taking care of him as well) I had such strong moments with him and that's what kept me in the relationship for so long (and I say so long cuz the red flags were there since the begining), it's been almost three months now and I still get panic attaks when I think about it, I chose to leave after so much abuse and just to answer the last part, no I still didn't feel like myself when he was not around cuz I lost myslef in the process and when I used to spend the day without him I couldn't talk to people I couldn't enjoy anything and my heart used to beat so fast and so hard, I don't think the hate I feel now is helpful but I'm trying, trying hard to reconnect with my own self and move forward and leave the fear I still feal behind ! thank you so much dr Ramani you re such a blessing to all of us !
This.
@@nadiabrik1182 Losing the respect of my family has been the hardest.
This channel is saving my life. For years I was trauma bonded with my son's father. He abandoned me when I was pregnant, came back after I gave birth, refused to show me where he lived, found out he was living with his ex. He conned me every time, lied so much that I could never even imagine someone deceiving me the way he did, and faked a future for so long until I finally walked away. Set boundaries and he tried so hard to rage and tear them down. Stopped opening the door, stopped falling for the words, stopped giving him my time. And just like that he discarded me. I have never felt so peaceful since. All the fighting, crying, arguing, loss of sleep. I feel reborn, and I want nothing more than for him to stay away from me and my four year old son.
Dr. Ramani you make a good point. To the person who.grew up olin an abusive family. Later as an adult, abusive relationships seem normal to them and they don't realize that it's not normal. Rather, it's abusive.
I'm so confused. Yesterday I watched a video by another psychiatrist and she berated (and even mocked) those who stonewall their partners. My narcissistic spouse criticizes me for stonewalling even though I resort to this only after I'm mentally exhausted and can't take anymore. Yet I am also told that the only way to completely disengage from a narcissistic relationship is to cut ties and stop responding. I'm so drained. I don't talk to anyone about this because my partner is a beloved, well known figure. What do you do when you have no sympathy from anyone and you're in a classic trauma bonded relationship? I also feel the need to explain that my partner has lied to me, cheated on me, stolen from me, disrespected me, and verbally berated me, so I really don't believe that I am the problem. But all anyone from the outside sees is this charming, amazing person. I feel like the bad one for wanting to break away and for causing my partner pain after they have 'changed, and are not the same person anymore' (in their words.) There have been changes but only in reaction to my attempts to leave. It feels easier just to stay. I'm not being physically abused. Honestly, I just want to be alone. And here I am writing into the void of strangers on the internet... 💔
Stonewalling is with the intention to manipulate the other person, but for people who suffered from narcs like you and me, we just shut down because we are too drained to talk. We knew it was just going to be another fight, or another opportunity for them to gaslight us. I used to just fall silent when I'm upset because my ex-narc would just get angry when I tried to ask him about another girl he's flirting with on his phone. I was walking on eggshells that's why I just keep silent to not set off the narc.
I married the same guy! When the relationship ended (he did it), I still clung. I was silent but he worked to destroy my name and grabbed all out friends saying he was abused. It was the final twist of the knife. He took everything and a day later moved in with a woman from the office that I was stressed about and he told therapist was the reason I was the abuser (I controlled his friendships...uhuh). Three years later all our friends and his family started contacting me and checking in...I was really put off. At the same time it became clear that removing myself from the situation and never self defending was the best solution. I had credibility from no engaging. A narcissist will show stripes...I was the second woman that he took out in the exact same way. I suspect there is an exe that you might relate to at this point. It's serious. It took me three years of codependency group to wake up to the abuse. It's not narcissism...its codependency and straight up abuse.
@@HeatherFaraMS My ex did the exact same thing! I was jealous of the lady from his work because he started mentioning her name a lot and even wanted to take her out in the pub, when I got upset, I was jut gaslighted to thinking I was a psycho jealous person. weeks later, he is out in public with her. I feel for the girl because Im sure he will do the same to her.
Yes. Yes. Yes.
My spouse is a singer and everyone thinks he's amazing and I'm so lucky. He's a good friend but not a good partner. You don't wear your partner down to their emotional nub when you're a good partner. But if you try to explain that to people they just act like you didn't even say anything and then continue to test him like he's gold! We're supposed to be friends but you're still treating my abuser like he's this great guy!!! And it kills me most when it's friends who've had the same experience in their past!!!
They are all charming and or the life of the party....There is a guy I watch, the channel is called Mental Healnesss. This guy is a Narcissist in therapy and gives you info from the Narcissist side of thinking. I have gotten a lot of good info .
This was so painful to watch. I still have so many wounds from my childhood. The only reason why I am able to stay in unhealthy relationships is because I was trained to be able to since childhood.
I became So depressed from the lack of love & neglect & trauma of it all that I could barely take care of my little girl & work. Then, I had to quit working, but then that made me dependent on him financially. Then I was Shamed by both sides of the family for Not Being Employed. Even though I tried to make up for it by doing all the tasks of raising a child & maintaining some facsimile of order in the house & yards. I didn't buy stuff for myself like clothes or jewelry & then had no clothes to work in. I forfeited going to expensive shows with my husband narc & damaged daughter. They ganged up on me all the time, to make me out to be the bad guy.
Now, we are separated & I'm 68 today. We are psuedo friendly. I tolerate it because I live by myself & get long reprieves without him around. But I'm struggling to like myself or have any joy in life. These videos are truly a life line for me.
I am the same as this comment..... I feel so worthless and heartbroken because for the 14.5 yrs i am stuck... Learning how to walk away so i do not damage my children anymore then i have... I feel like i have destroyed my family for life.... I feel hurt.... I need strength so bad... I have resulted to sitting in our basement bathroom everynight and crying alone.... I feel dead inside.... Barely sleep cause my brain and heart are constantly running my thoughts.... I go out as much as possible.... When i am home i am so heartbroken... It gets me anxious thinking and knowing i have to go home at some point.... I feel done and suicidal to escape all this abuse.... So much damage has been done ... I am destroyed and my want to ever be in love or be loved has forever changed in my visions..... I will feel i will always be guarded and scared.... I am done but Cannot get out because we forever have to communicate because our children. ... 😭😭😭😭😭😭
I have two boys and my oldest is from previous relationship he always reminds me of the love i have in this world... My youngest is ours and he is tight with his dad... I feel like i can never change his view on his father because i support financially the needs rent utilities groceries sometimes... But most finances of essentials on me... He buys our son the materialistic wants our son wants and caters to him... I feel like i have lost my baby.... 😭😭😭😭😭
I have two boys and my oldest is from previous relationship he always reminds me of the love i have in this world... My youngest is ours and he is tight with his dad... I feel like i can never change his view on his father because i support financially the needs rent utilities groceries always... But most finances of essentials on me... He buys our son the materialistic wants our son wants and caters to him... I feel like i have lost my baby.... 😭😭😭😭😭
It feels so good to hear someone else put into words what we can’t explain ourselves then realize you were not crazy like you were mange to believe. Thank you.
I also have the "I want him here with me. I felt sick with him gone. But with him here, he tortures me when he is here. He treats me like I'm less than. I will never be enough. We just had our 33rd wedding anniversary. These things are just not celebrated. Pretty dark years. Just breathe. No breath is a sure thing. Try to make the most of it... these videos are so amazing. Thank you Dr Ramani for sharing your wisdom. Bless you 🙏 I hope they never stop...
It’s just amazing how spot on you are describing my “relationship “. It just shows how really ordinary these people are. They’re all the same, they say and do the same things. They think they are so perfect and special when they’re as ordinary as an old shoe. It’s a shame too many of us to count have fallen for their song and dance. In the end we are all hurt and they’re off targeting someone else to destroy.
I trauma bonded to a woman with narcissistic personality disorder for 2 yrs. Thank you Dr. Ramani & to everyone who have shared their own personal stories of abuse in the comments section. This is all I've had to help myself get clear. I'm routing for all of us!💙
Stay strong.
I've been with a narcissistic woman for almost ten years but the past few months have been too much for me. She almost discarded me, and played with me and my feelings in a more evil way than she ever had before. I want everything to stop but I can't muster the courage to leave her. I almost left her back in 2018 before I knew what a narcissist was. But she begged me to forgive her, and that she would go to therapy. She did change for the better for almost a year but slowly it became even worse than before. But now I'm not the same man I was, I feel so addicted to her now, I tried to leave her again when she started abusing me even more. But she came begging again. I feel like a coward and worthless. I want to kill myself most of the time now
@zagan31a You need to escape immediately I lived the same life I accomplished a lot and she worked very hard to take the life I built for her own amd kick me out of it. After I broke free the trauma bond set in. I was in the bathtub with a shotgun and before I could pull the trigger I realized she would just laugh at it and say I left a big mess like an asshole. Her new man looks like me and now I see how miserable I looked while I was with her.. she still haunts me but trust me man get out or she will make you take your life.
@@zagan31aallow yourself time away from her. It will be painful at first, but it will let you see clearly
People who are trauma bonded often feel as if they are the bad ones because this is exactly what happened during childhood. As children, these people had to excuse their guilty parents by being the "bad one." They felt as if they were bad, because this was the only way the child could continue to see the parents as being good and caring. Dig it! All of this is from before the age of five. It's the "repetition complex"---seeing if you can finally repeat what didn't work in your childhood, and this time come out winning. It is a fantasy, but very alluring. Dr. Ramini is one of the best. She actually tries to educate all of us. Thank you, Dr. Ramani!
I feel independent, relaxed, more energetic. I feel like I’m not being watched or told how I feel. I actually like doing housework because my husband isn’t judging me. He has to have things done his way, or I’m doing it wrong. I do feel relief.
I’m trauma bonded because if he’s gone too long I feel uncomfortable. I value this video because the feelings I have are explained. I realize that my ideas are facts. I do feel like I’m a bad person for my thoughts of moving on. This video clarified my feelings. I’m going to talk about this in therapy. Thank you. ❤
After cleaning up their house and I'm sure he said something like you don't even know how to clean properly and yet you were scrubbing them boogers off their wall
Still working on it, 4 years after separation. Thank you Dr Ramani 🤍
Same
Same
2 years here. no contact
I used to feel like a mean person, laying those boundaries down. But when the narc of 11 years started to gray rock me due to a love affair he was having, I walked away without a single tear in my eyes. They never change….and in the end, their needs supersede you and yours. They are opportunists and prioritize humans based on their current needs. Point blank. You’re not disposable to them, perhaps….but they will still try to do all the things you don’t want them to do behind your back, thinking they’ll get away with it cause you’re not going to find out, and/or because they believe you aren’t going anywhere. Leave!
I listen to these podcasts by you and think you just may have described my entire first marriage. Thank you for the validation, clarity of thought, and encouragement. I was married for 23 years to a diagnosed malignant narcissist, but thank the Lord I managed to get away. Sadly, not before my children and I had suffered greatly. I took a few years to learn myself all over again, along with some therapy, then married a beautiful man who is the opposite of everything from my first husband. Life has been a joy with him for the last 22 years. Only blight is that my kids are going through traumas related to my first marriage. I did not do them any favors staying on because I was “trauma bonded”.
That’s the hardest part-deciding what’s best for the children. I’m considering leaving my narcissistically abusive husband. I’ve heard plenty of people regret not leaving/not leaving sooner, and not one person regrets leaving, including with small children. Pray for me please. I so desire a healthy marriage and family life. 🤍
You did your best.
I have really struggled with breaking trauma bonds and healing from the damage done by a narcissist. When the trauma bonds are decades old and were formed as a child, it is almost an inate response. Justifying abuse and the patterns, thanks for defining this as gaslighting myself.
Your definition of trauma bonding was the best definition I have heard since started my healing journey.
Dr. Ramani, I love how natural you sound! Nothing rehearsed. All direct without sugar coating. You are amazing. Thank you!
(Verse)
In the obscurity of a love gone wrong
Where pain and kindness dance along
He brings me gifts, he calls me his soul mate
But deep inside, I'm consumed by the weight
He takes me out, we paint the town red
But worry lingers, filling my head
I try to relax, to let my guard down
But fear's grip tightens, it's hard to drown
Some refer to this as love, they say
But in my heart, doubts begin to sway
I'm caught in a storm of mixed emotions
Yearning for freedom, a new devotion
(Chorus)
Oh, I'm worried, I'm worried, can't you see?
In this abusive love, I long to be free
Though he treats me well, it's just a facade
Behind closed doors, I'm left feeling flawed
(Bridge)
I search for strength to break these chains
To rise above the hurt, release the pain
For I deserve a love that's pure and true
No more worries, just skies of blue
(Chorus)
Oh, I'm worried, I'm worried, can't you see?
In this abusive love, I long to be free
Though he treats me well, it's just a facade
Behind closed doors, I'm left feeling flawed
(Outro)
But I won't let worry define my fate
I'll find the courage to escape this state
For in the darkness, a glimmer of hope shines through
I'll break these chains and find a love that's true
Who sings this
I did view a relationship I had like that nearly 18 years ago, when I was just 24-25 years old. Thank goodness I realized how horrible this guy was. I had never dated anyone like him before yet I learned what I never wanted in a relationship ever again. My next relationship after him worked 💯✅️🙌 we've been together 17 happy years!
How long were you with the abusive person?
I'm almost 30 and I'm just realizing what kind of abuse I've been enduring from my parent. Once the beatings stop, you tend to be ok with their still no good behavior. You feel more comfortable with the little abuse they throw verbally/emotionally because the beatings have stopped. Other people had to point out that I was in fact being abused the same I was as a child. I felt dumb, but it feels good finally learning things and trying to heal 😊
I'm 35 and only just accepting I have a narcissistic parent. It's not as old as you think to be discovering this. You are brought up in an environment that is highly toxic and abusive so it becomes normal to you as you have nothing else to compare it to. I agree with the relief at no more physical beatings. I made so many excuses for the emotional abuse that continued into my adulthood. I was completely defensive and brainwashed to protect this monster. I can finally cut the cancer out of my life. We need to embrace the inner child within us that took those beatings. Your self respect, self esteem and self love takes the biggest beating. I am learning to take the love I gave so freely from him and put it back into myself and the child who had such a miserable and sad start in life. I wish the same for you and hope you are doing well since you commented this. ❤
No, I never felt the bad person in the relationship. I knew he was the one with a serious problem
You’re going to put other psychologists out of work. Your videos are insanely helpful! Thank you. ❤
I was “drawn in” to two “narcissistic relationships”. My childhood prepared me for this and it felt comfortable. This was a warning I did not comprehend at the time. Both men knew EXACTLY what they were doing by creating a mask persona especially for me. It was certainly no gift. In fact, every relationship in my life (romantic) has been with an “egopath”. Love this new word.
Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
Being educated and trained with/by experts like you definitely saves our health, peace, soul, mind and life style. Thank you!
Isn't it amazing how Dr. Ramani gives so freely of her time and knowledge in order to help others live their best lives? It's real love, real empathy for humanity. So good to feel after being with a hoovering narcissist
I am in a relationship with an older woman who has always had the keys to the relationship. I stood by her through so many things, including surgeries,: needed friendships, stopped sharing opinions about how I see the world, I am constantly being pathologised and I am constantly thinking and over thinking anything and everything I say. The self doubt is crippling and the way she uses her family to justify her behaviour and the collective gas lighting has left me so stuck I am literally constantly sick.
I feel like a shit person planning my exit. Thank you Dr Ramani for this wisdom.
Ps I am constantly trying to see where I am narcissistic, I am so fearful of being so quick to label her when I could be the narcissist without knowing . My Brain is literally melting.
A simple guide for you -> Healthy or enabler person "Am I part of the problem and, if so, how can I make things better?"
Narcissistic person: "You are the problem, it's got nothing to do with me!"
Which category do think you fall into?
I was once in your shoes my heart hurts for you because I know how it feels I would like to be friends with you just so we can talk about where we have been and where we are going .
Thank You so much for all your support and advice! I made the mistake of giving a second chance after going 2 years no contact. Again, lies, manipulations, drained emotionally, physically, and financially. Again, enacted no contact and again trying to heal. Hopefully, I will indefinitely break this trauma bond cycle once in for all! Knowledge is power ---now to apply it! Yes, I am at complete peace without his presence.
Being trauma bonded to someone is the most difficult thing I have ever encountered in my life and has caused so much grief and physical changes I do smh at what I endured, Thanks to you Doc Ramani for your videos they have been extremely helpful in sorting through the mind fog.
right, physical changes...i didnt know that these are consequences
@@dariosergevnaStress effects cortisol levels, people gain weight from this. Or maybe it triggered an ED for her. Or maybe she was physically abused.
Focus only ugly attributes and disgust
Learning about the ‘drama triangle’ and ‘empowerment dynamic’ was hugely useful for me, because it became easy to tell when a narcissist jumps into the “victim” role. At that point the conflict cannot be resolved in a healthy way. Rupture and repair is normal but the repair with a narcissist requires abandoning your own need.
Being with a narcissist ( covert female narcissist in my case) really is soul destroying. Nothing you do can please them attempting to communicate is like reasoning with a hungry lion and the slightest criticism of their behaviour sends them into their go to victim mode
If they've no logical answer you get the silent treatment and passive aggression. Their skill at blame shifting makes you doubt yourself and their child like sulks make you feel guilty as if you're the problem.
It's a recipe for losing your sanity especially if you've no outside support. It's always my way or the high way-- the high ways the right way but sadly so much pain and lost time is taken before we eventually take it. Stay strong and don't look back.
After 7 years I did it. During break up he told me that respects my decision... And then said that all relationship has flaws and he tried as he could to be better for me. And he would try harder. I didn't believied him this time. It's pain And relief.
They destroy you, and then the only thing that can fix you is them. They have made your happiness hinge on how well they treat u, how well things r going.
So sad this world is attached to destructive delusions. Thank you Dr. Ramani for enlightening us to free ourselves from our suffering. Your calm, uplifting, compassionate and down to earth presence made a difference to many lost souls.
You are spot on Dr Romani. I watched my parents 44 years going over same arguments, no resolution. After my father passed, I took care of my mother, for 15 years she never stopped ruminating and rehearsing in detail all the old arguments from the beginning of their marriage. It was verbatim every time. I once asked if she thought she could finally put it all behind her and this was a mistake. She didn't want to do so. I found this unbelievable because by that time, thankfully, I had learned better coping skills and healthier mindsets. She never got it. This shows the depth of trauma bonds and how dangerous it can be. Thank you.
You described my situation. My daughter listens to me, asked me if I feel like I'm crazy? Do I need someone to say it was bad? If I don't remember how I was treated. I left,he got a very younger person. I go back and forth was I wrong for leaving, should I have tried again. I know it looks crazy.
Before my mother died, she and my father was still trying to stop paying her $100 a month alimony. He was so bitter he had to pay it, ever. 40 years of that whining about it.
I wish everyone healing from toxic relationships . The scariest thing for me was losing my empathy and my identity which did happen. I feel like I’m recovering it. I honestly felt like I had to hold on to my humanity for dear life.
Yes! I felt like a bad person. It was so difficult to grow up with a narcissistic parent who happens to be the only parent. Unfortunately, who currently finds herself homeless.
Totally get the connection of trauma bonding/addiction and narcissism. Trauma bonding feels exactly like addiction.
The acknowledgment of how sick one can feel at leaving a toxic relationship and carrying the guilt of being "mean" spoke to me. The larger question that I feel I need an answer to, can't seem to come up with, and that I have never heard anyone address is: how can I trust my body, like so many people say I should? My body will sicken at the thought of doing the right thing for myself, but going against the whole fabric of my society. My body will brighten at the thought of stepping into (what will turn out to be) an addictive relationship (attractive, exciting, interesting, full of "chemistry"), or even an encounter with another addictive substance or behavior to ease the stress of living in my reality. I have no idea how other people can trust their bodies or their intuition. I am always trying to sort out conflicting body signals, and the loudest ones will lead me straight into emotional hell. Without my brain pitching in and saying, "you know this pattern, you've seen this movie" I would be long dead. How in the world do other people DO this?
I know where you’re coming from. My body is the same way. My mind sees how something is unhealthy but my body wants it. I realized that this happens to me because of conflict avoidance. It's easier to just fall in line and go with the flow to avoid explaining and affirming boundaries. The way I learned to deal with that is by talking to my body when it shrinks from doing something hard and scary but the best for me. I soothe myself like a mother does a child, like "I know it feels scary and hard to do this, but your comfort and ease in the long term is worth the discomfort of breaking the pattern." Especially if you have the self-awareness to see the pattern in the first place.
I also know how tempting it is to give into the ideas and decisions that make our bodies "light up" and feel good, but we know will have bad consequences. That is about having good self-discipline, which is also the strongest form of self-love, to prevent pain from the addictive cycles.
Is's very much like an addiction. Therapy helps with delusional thinking and unblending the younger parts that believe they need that person to be safe. A process I am currently going through. Good luck to you! ❤
My body betrayed me many many times....mentally I did NOT want to have sex, but if I refused it meant dealing with his temper tantrum and shaming.....my Body would submit, even get excited, I could make the show real, but afterwards I HATED MYSELF. More hate on top of what all got me into this trauma bond, but I was More afraid of Him. It's a crushing feeling of self loathing, and no soft place to fall, when all I was really after was feeling seen. It's really sick and I've come to know I can and am doing better for myself as I learn more.
I totally felt like the bad person, and that was reinforced by people who knew us because he was so so charming.
I'm listening to your statements and I just had this OVERWHELMING feeling of SO MUCH LOVE for you, Dr. Ramani!!! Thank you!!! This whole thing about feeling like I'm the bad one!!! I've been trying to leave but it's taking some time. What keeps me moving forward is your videos. Whenever I feel weak and think I have to back down, I watch a video of yours that I haven't seen yet. And you give me the validation, the desire and the strength to just get out. I am now at the point where I can't wait to do it!!! I have my apartment now and in the next couple of days I am leaving!!!!! Thank you!!!!
I pray you are away from your abuser. Its one of the hardest things to do , breaking away . And its going to get harder. I hope you find a peaceful way forward in life.
It’s truly gut wrenching to realise that what you think is love is a trauma bond. The effort, the care and attention we give to obtain the ‘early days’ feelings we thought were reciprocal is energy and love being drained out of the body.
It is a hard process to extricate and rebuild back to our normal selves and it persistently flashes up as feelings of hope for me before reality dawns and the negative behaviour springs to mind. Having to eliminate positive memories in favour of those negatives cuts against everything i believe in but it’s necessary. Perhaps that’s why it’s so hard…
This is exactly where I am. I was so so happy and we had the most amazing time. But I can fill pages with the strange behaviours and silent treatments...
I do appreciate your videos Dr Ramani. A good tactic once you're out of the relationship and if you meet anyone new is to make a list (write it down) on what you like and dislike about someone. If you see the red flags you should try to stay away. Refer back to your list everytime you doubt yourself 🥰
No screamers
No alcoholics
No physical abusers and no two timers. No liars.
No fascists or Trump cultists
Great suggestion. One day if I ever consider dating again, I’m going to do exactly as you suggested. Thanks.
Makes so much sense. That little bit every once in a while they give us that reward (hope). I've been doing this for 25+ yrs. It's a hell of a way to live
Adore this lady. Came out of a bad situation with the help of watching these videos. Thank you for giving us the insight to give us strength Dr Ramani ❤
The more I watch these videos, the more the picture of why I've chosen narcissistic partners repeatedly becomes clearer. And, after going 'no contact' for 3 months, an ex from decades ago tried to move in and take over... well, that was in the future faking (as I recognised it this time) and unwanted love-bombing over many messaging platforms until I went 'no contact' there too! Knowledge is power, and I am SO grateful for all the knowledge that is shared here by Doctor Ramani, and the power I'm beginning to learn how to wield like a sword
you are so right 'Knowledge is power' and especially so when it is felt deep down and not just intellectual knowledge
My suggestion: don't offer going into therapy with anyone before you experience therapy for yourself. You may find that choice to be exactly the best decision you can make 💝
great advice also need to find a therapist that aligns with what your values..
@@deborahnagel9011thank you both. I really appreciate this advice.
I'm going through trauma bonding now, and it's very painful. It's almost as painful as losing my fiance in 2011 from suicide. Now, I'm in therapy to move forward.
This is so helpful to me today. Just what I need to hear on the day my narcissist husband is collecting the last of his property from our marital home. The urge to communicate with him has gone, I’ve gone from dreading it to looking forward to having him gone finally x
When you unpack it, break it down and really look at it. You may find that you have spent so much of your time hanging on and trying to get through the tense and uncomfortable atmospheres until you could catch a break and get a moment's peace where you could relax and be yourself just for a few seconds.
Then you may realise for people in healthy relationships they get to have that being relaxed and at peace most of the time.
Wow! This really hits hard!
@@stephaniebephanie3542 Sorry, I know the impact is sore if you realise that is how you have been living.
Yes. . . when he's gone I feel less anxious. . . I realized " I can buy myself Flowers!"🤩 Thank you Dr. Ramani, there is so much in this video that fills in part of the puzzle.
When absence makes the heart grow lighter… Also, great song!
Everything u said was correct, when my narcissist partner go for vacation I feel so peaceful, I take shower taking ling time, I sing I dance I breath normally, can't explain in word how I feel.
This was profoundly helpful. I am just figuring out that I am side chick supply for a narcissist. I have been for almost the last three years. He is not married, but has a live-in girlfriend that I believed all kinds of lies about. I am definitely trauma bonded and display all of the eight pathological relationship dynamics. I also have childhood issues that set me up to fall right in with that guy.🤦♀️