This One Pattern Is The Centerpiece Of Narcissism
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- čas přidán 12. 11. 2023
- The identifying traits of narcissism can be found inside each person. Healthy people are honest about them and make adjustments, but unhealthy people do not. Dr. Les Carter describes how one major pattern is very consistent in people deeply entrenched in the narcissistic pattern.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.
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Healthy people can change their bad behavior based on reflection on it. Narcissists can't. They just repeat it.
Absolutely true!
That's it in a nutshell
But they can control their behavior when it is good for their false image.
@yukio_saito That's a perfect way of summing it up! Narcs have no ability (or desire) to self-reflect. In their mind, they are so much better than anyone else, so there's no need for them to examine themselves for any faults. And yes, they keep one repeating those bad behaviors, because they have no incentive to change.
Bad behavior is defiance to an order that puts poor habits below good habits--- flipping the power dynamic. Good equals bad; bad equals control.
1. Easy criticism
2. Others are asset or transaction
3. No regard for boundaries
4. Guilt Trips, Shame, Belittlement
5. Motivation via Sarcasm
6. Passive Non-Cooperation
7. Being Evasive
8. Many Demands and Requirements
9. Their Opinions or Beliefs are All That Matters
10. Weaponizing Anger
11. Insistent, Persuasive Communication
12. No Need to Know Your Backstory
13. Judgement by “Othering “
14. Willing to Humiliate
15. Hold Grudges for a Long Time
There we go. I checked them all off one by one 😢
My narc wife of 28 yrs.
One missing... She had an astounding sense of entitlement.
@@hippopotamus6765 I'm just coming around to IDing my wife's sister as afflicted. She was named trustee of their family estate but was forced to step down due to some shady activity. Never admitted her mistake, just blamed the individual who caught the transgression. My wife was named trustee and her sister went w/ insulting accusations of incompetence and efforts to control her with yelling. The irony is that while my wife was strong enough to stand up to her, she was accused of being weak. None of it makes any sense.
Thank you. ❤
“Refusal to take responsibility for personal and relational difficulties.”
-Dr. ❤️
How do we take responsibility for our feelings of inferiority that the narcissist exploits?
This applies to many people...libtoids, demonrats, and especially entitled feminists, women (and men). Great info. Appreciate you Dr. Carter.
So true. And, their lack of insight can still be quite dumbfounding, to say the least, even when we understand they can't help it and aren't even remotely interested in resolving anything or being authentically different. It's like they can't see what they are continuously creating over and over again. Even when it's clearly not working for them or anyone else. Many still pretend and seem unable and unwilling to be vulnerable enough. It's sad and exhausting to witness at times. And, also clarifying. ❤️
@@michellehill718: Righto. Said so eloquently.
@@michellehill718 AND very habitual in focus on such things as Social Media where they seek validation from a group stuck in a silo of thought and perspective.
My experience with narcissism is like wack-a-mole: they need to feel above, so any sign of strength or independence on your part, you get wacked down.
So very true. they hate ur independence
Or anything where you have more skill or talent than them in a certain area. They'll undermine you. My parents did this with my education because neither is educated, they whacked me down and invalidated. All the while extolling this as a virtue in others
So true! 💯They hate when you’re living in your true self!
OMG I have used that same analogy for decades! Yes
@@BraulioCarballo98 yes any sign of authenticity they come to steal something and make u worthless. Bcos they are all empty on the inside. Everything they own talk and act are stolen from others. Most empty ppl on earth narcs. Hope more ppl become aware of this.
The hardest thing for me to accept with my narcissistic parents is that I had to realize that I’m much more mature than them because I can learn, reflect and change my behavior/when I make a mistake. I can also apologize. They can’t. It was just really weird for me to finally realize that even though they are older than me, I’m much more mature than them.
I would add, you're probably more mature than the average person as well. It's one of the things that happens when we recover from a childhood that we were robbed of.
Age and maturity are two separate things I have found. We expect older folks to be mature, but it isn't always that way.
Well Dr Carter's space is very well kept. I wonder if he has a cleaning lady? Can we imagine DRC with a duster cleaning around all those things and hauling a vacuum cleaner around? No ... I reckon he'll be eating his Banana Cream Pie in another place when that is being done.
They can, but they won’t.
Yes
False allegations are another example of diminishing you and elevating themselves
Precisely.
How about never remembering anything, and I mean anything the way it actually happened.
@@angelawade1445Yep, gaslighting 101.
@@angelawade1445yes! Pisses me off
@@angelawade1445yeah, what is up with that? I finally got my narc to go back and explain some really weird craziness which constituted the first wacko thing he did after we got married, which introduced me to his narcissism, and the story he told was complete fiction!
Absolutely correct they suck the life out of you 😢
Yeah I've realized vampires are real, they are called narcissist
-Elevating themselves.
They have to break others down to build themselves up. Without people underneath them, they are nothing!
OMG!!! You have totally described my Ex husband that I endured for over 30 yrs. Myself and my children are still recovering. 😢 I was very young out of high school when I married and did not recognize red flags. Dr.C is a blessing to me.
I'm sure your ex wasn't your first and only introduction to someone who have NPD.
You are an asset or a transaction and you are meant to serve and obey them. Those narcisistic people believe they need to diminish others in order to elevate themselves. Cruelty and malicious behaviours define them. Thank you dr Carter❤
Not much of an asset if they diminish you. They can't think it through.
My ex girlfriend sees me as a transaction! I am really starting to resent her!
@@rosieE121 So ironic, isn't it?
@@AnnePerkins-po5jo yes, and they mess up their relationships with people and expect loyalty and goodwill.
Yes, one of my Dad’s exes completely took over and called people her “projects” nagging about hair cuts, hair color, clothes, shoes, what nail polish they chose, their employment & career choices, who they chose to date, the fact their landline phone cords didn’t match their baseboards, and on and on and on. Doing this is cover for her refusing to just focus on her own life. 😊
Narcissists are just antagonizing. They just have to be at odds with everyone.
Narcissism is the absence of love.
They know not love. We need a tee shirt.
Except love of their selves 😣 so toxic
@@EC-yd9yv but they actually hate themselves
Excellent description!
and an absence of self.
I can’t imagine what horror of a childhood they must have had. Realizing that helped me understand why I was being targeted. It’s not your fault or responsibility to bear the weight of someone else’s demons.
Thank you for putting it so very well. This helps!
Narcissism does not solely stem from a bad childhood. More victims of childhood abuse are NOT narcissistic than those who become narcissists.
@@aloysiusdevanderabercrombi470 I was just thinking that they do not need to have had a terrible childhood. Spiritually they are inexperienced souls and have not yet learned the value of connection.
The soul is missing and they’ve had very charmed childhoods where the word No was never said to them.
@@aloysiusdevanderabercrombi470Tell me about that, bc I was taught Narc result of trauma or neglect.
Domination. Control and destroy. That's my mantra. My violent brother and my ex both did it. I was the lost child. Family ignored or controlled. I'd add passive aggressive.... my ex was often silent and ignored me. Now I know I may have scared them because I have empathy and lots of learning. No more contempt. I am somebody!
Yes u are somebody and Your life matters!
You absolutely are! ❤️
Keep going forward Nancy you are unstoppable ❤
You are somebody BEYOND value. Keep Going!! Plugging for you🎉!! Best Wishes from another empath who has lived through their own hell living among a pack of wolves (narcissists). Well Done!!!
😢🌹🙏❤🙏
Survivors of narcissistic individuals can benefit much by your testimony
Thank you. I have outlived the narcissist in my life, am always surprised at how much healing I still have ahead of me.
Remember in the movie "Titanic" when Rose was in the water and a man kept trying to climb on her shoulders? That's the image that I get thinking about narcissists. In the movie, Jack punches the guy until he lets go. I have started being my own Jack, finally.
Good analogy of wearing down! 👏
Oh my gosh, I don't remember that. How awful, though I don't doubt there are people who'd do just that.
@@Hatbox948 I do remember that scene because it was so terrible 😔
I always felt like there was only 1 person in the relationship. I was just a tool or utensil.
A prop, with a designated role
Yes, or as a child of a narcissist, an "extension".
"I matter..... you don't ". RUN!!!!!!
This is so spot on. And going through this daily, it just grinds your soul into dust.
It's not worth it. It's never worth it.
It does become weary after 39 years and I began to feel numb. I have learned a lot from Dr C's teaching and when the narc character is noted the inside alarm sounds and it sometimes makes me laugh and becomes medicine.
The pattern of self deception is what flashed into my mind.
That's very true 👍 ❤️
Yes always talking as of the are Undercover Agents as if no one’s honest so we need to watch over our shoulders and whisper a lot. They act so suspicious and guilty
Suggestng a narcissist changes (read a self-help book, go to therapy) is an extreme affront to their ego.
Isn’t that true!
This is spot on. I didn’t know what a narcissist was until after I left one. It’s wild how these patterns and behaviors are so consistent and universal to this affliction.
Entitlement is my early guess. It allows then to justify every single behavior as acceptable.
And their entitlement must arise from their "pathological selfishness" Dr. Carter mentioned.
Entitlement is a very good early guess, Aaron. Narcissists move through life with a sense of entitlement. Although, by itself it is not a toxic behavior. If I work for a company, I am entitled to compensation for my work.
If elevating oneself is feeling sorry for themselves and playing victim while vilifying (blame-shifting, talking behind your back, criticizing even your help, demanding, silent treatment, stonewalling) than, yes, we have ourselves a centerpiece.
The narcissist in my life speaks in superlatives: "You always do [blank]" "You never do [blank]", "I can't do anything right! What have I done wrong this time?" "Oh, you ruined my sweater. It figures it was my favorite one!" "Oh, you broke that cup? It was my favorite one, of course!" I could go on all day!
The words "never", "always", "constantly" etc. are a generalization and they create an opposition, which Narcs like for they want to fight, get an emotional reaction out of you. Besides they are "thrown" to the recipient to accuse, put blame onto you.
How about- ‘REAL friends don’t ….- fill in the blank!!’
I believe that is called black & white thinking
Amen, Amen!!!! This is exactly right!!! I once had a brother who was clearly angry who said to me; "you seem angry." I was calm, He crossed his arms and legs while swinging his leg, his face was turning red and his voice was mean, but he said I was the one who was angry. This was humorous really because his hope was to start a fight and I don't even know what it was over, he never expressed why he was angry. A comment I made was nothing important, I think he came into the room angry and was trying to goad me into a fight. Thankfully I didn't bite but politely excused myself and left, saying good bye politely to everyone before I left. I am the scapegoat continually demeaned, treated contemptuously without cause and ignored if I speak. I no longer have contact with them but am thankful to God for showing me everything I went through as a child was not my fault. What is a six year old suppose to do with a statement from my mother; "your father likes you better than me." I can't to this day see how this produced anything good.
My mother once said that she had more friends than I but she always sucked up to my girlfriends & I was afraid th bring anyone home… you don’t want to know what she did to any interested male friends!
@@caroleminke6116 oh, carole, my mother did exactly the same, with female friends and of course even more with male friends. Such an ugly behaviour!
Oooh boy, your mother was a Narsisist too, wasn't she? ( so was mine). I was 8 when she told me I was "Emotionally Immature" when I cried over something. Ha! Who says that to a child. Are youy cousin? 😊
Well, yes, as he should. You can divorce the spouse, but never your children, since they are your flesh and blood. If your mother was a decent loving person, she would have been glad that he felt that way.
They are angry and do not know why.
And more than willing to take it out on those close by.
A narcissist told me how he casts out and reels them back in, over and over, because it weakens them.
That's in the play book!
Wow. That is my sister. Tire me out, go to the dark side. lol.
You have been the one person who has helped me survive my extreme narcissist sister! THANK YOU from the depths of my heart!!!
Power to you dear, a sister, my mercy, and all I wanted was goodness, no harmony, lord, save these people , I put myself off track, now I turned ugly dum, what a waste for ugly, I'm so sorry, our family, our sisters, spectrum, extreme, go team healthy, rules,
Me too. He snapped me outta a Dee Funk I was in due Too GangStalking and Gaslighting. Once I was educated here too what a Narcissistic is and do 2 Victims I Woke up!
"You're a nobody; I'm a somebody." Lol. Dr. Carter, sometimes I think this is actually a comedy show. Thanks for the laughs and the info. It's so important to keep reminding yourself of all the characteristics and different packages of a narc. You're so easy to listen to. (Hi, Gus)
Glad it resonated! And Gus says woof!
"comedy show" -- Watch LOST IN SPACE (1965-68). Pay close attention to Dr. Smith. He's Bud Abbott to The Robot's Lou Costello. 😆
Did you know that the actor who played Dr. Smith was a convicted pedophile and the little boy, Will, was protected from him, by contract, with a body guard. Smith was a total creep in real life.@@henrykujawa4427
❤️
My ex narc told me I was a nobody because I didn't own real estate. I laughed and said you don't either. You've refinanced five times and have no equity, haven't filed income tax in 6-7 years and they're calling, and social security says you owe them because you earned too much while drawing it. They'll be knocking.
Within that pervasive noncooperation, my experience is they will either ridicule or ignore my novel ideas and then later make the same suggestion and act as if it were their own idea. It’s happened at home and work. They have to take all credit for creativity or improvement, and they try to keep me in that place of inferiority.
So, so true!
Yes, absolutely common narc behavior
Antagonism is the centerpiece of Narcissism because it's in itself already a huge defense strategy.
Underneath the antagonism I see these:
1. No harmony seeking but competition will create turmoil
2. Antagonism shows a lack of empathy, which shows that there can't exist genuine connections and truly felt emotions in a positive direction
3. Hand in hand with the lack of empathy comes the distrust and disgust in other people = hostility
4. Entitlement lies beyond antagonism and it's the opposite of humility and will lead to all sorts of negative emotions
5. Uncontrolled emotions of anger and rage can be pure expressions of hatred and self-destructiveness
6. These uncontrolled negative emotions toward others show the
self-importance and
self-absorption
7. Being scared of distinctions / separation will create drama
8. Triggering others on purpose is a very sadistic trait and shows no mercy but offensive and aggression
I can relate to all this. I think you do brilliant lists, probably relating to your own experiences. Thank you. Much appreciated 🙏 ❤️
Yep !!
You are the best roxy. 🌹🌹🌹🌹
@@amandaliverpool3374 Thank you very much, Amanda ❤ Actually I am an autodidact 🙃 which now let me smile because "auto" in my mother language means "car" and I do not like cars at all because I had too many car-accidents in my life with severe traumata. I've even survived falling down a mountain at the age of 5. Once somebody told me, "Your guardian angel loves cars!" 😇
Wishing you a peaceful night 🙏✨🤗
@@texaspatty458 Thanks, Patty 🙏💛🙏
“Elevating oneself by diminishing others.” There is seldom an environment for a fair conversation. Self-expression in the presence of a narcissist is also diminished.
(They want to wear down your resolve, they want to wear you down emotionally ) Well said Dr. Les Carter
Entirely and completely Self Involved, Selfish and "Me, Me, Me"
My covert narcissist brother in law subtly covertly elevated himself and diminished me in the process when he contemptuously said “oh no I’ll never be bald !” - when my wife suggested to him to shave his head like I do (I’m bald btw )
Another example is I am a podiatrist- I have another covert narcissist brother in law who’s a 1st year MD intern (recent Med school graduate) who said to me “quit your career as a podiatrist and.apply to MD medical school “ - I knew the way he said it that it was a put down comment to make him feel superior AT MY EXPENSE (and make me squeal and feel terrible and inferior) - but I didn’t fall for it - I could’ve gotten even by telling him “you attended a foreign Caribbean Medical school- why couldn’t you get accepted into a US Med school?” At least I graduated from a US podiatry school - But I didn’t want to go into the mud with that pig 🐷) - he’s a toxic narcissist jerk
I can identify with this video personally (but there’s many more examples with my in laws )
@@rationalevidence9095 psychologists say dont argue with a narcissist - they will drag you in the mud with them
@@duromusabc "psychologists say"..... sounds a bit suspicious.
I don't start fights with bully's, but I'm well-endowed enough to finish them. good boundaries require defending.
i've always had a quick mind and tongue and so after the first attack they just leave me alone. I teach my children the same. don't let someone bully you without consquence. It's not very loving to let them think they can get away with it.
How much more important when it's family.... unless you want to be the punching bag of the family for the next few decades.
The best way to love a narc is make a clear boundary and DEFEND it.
I was buddies with a lot of undercover narcissists. meaning, I didn't know they were condescending because early in life it was sarcasm.
But then after I got my chiropractic diploma at age forty, that my mother eventually called, a piece of paper, then all of my old so-called friends finally showed me who they were too. The sarcasm turned into condescending remarks. They are jealous unhappy people.
Thomas Lee, I think it's important to remember that what anyone says and does is always going to be some statement on their behalf.
That being said, do you know how characteristics like gray hair or gray beards in elderly men and gray hair in elderly women sort of give everyone an automatic deep-down perception that they are probably wiser, have more life experience, more maturity, are more approachable, etc.? I think this is true because it has so often been the experience throughout human history. Likewise, male pattern baldness is uniquely male and it is a secondary sexual characteristic found more frequently as men age and it is also why so many find bald men so sexy. It's just a part of being human, even if we don't think about it consciously, we do sense "something" along these lines deep down.
Maybe your brother-in-law is making fun of your baldness (and possibly your highly-educated profession as well) because he knows deep down that his narcissistic behaviors will repel people from him even if he is one day older with gray hair and bald. So in order to cope, he makes fun of such things in you which draw people to you but not to him. Whatever the case, it is far less personal than you think because from his perspective, it's all about his fear. He would do the same to any other bald man if he thought it would work.
How do my ideas sit with you? As long as you remain separate from the statements he makes on his behalf so that he is compelled to own them, instead of transfer his fears onto you, then you will have taken another step forward in healing from narcissistic abuse and he can just say and do whatever he wants because he isn't even helping himself. You take care of you and your mind.
@@danielkaiser8971 good advice - thanks
Nothing like a adult throwing child rant as an adult whilst exhibiting all of the above at three hours length every few days. TY Dr.
My DIL
When I was a child, my mother once told me that some people put others down to bring themselves up. I remember thinking "Like you do?" and hoping she didn't just give herself an idea to do that, or remind herself that doing that was an option. I was confused because if she was aware that people did that, and that it was wrong, why does she do it? Does she not know that she does it? And I remember at some point realizing that she doesn't want me to have self-confidence because she constantly tears it down.
Devorah, this shows that you already had good insight as a child, although you were confused. You already self reflected on a young age, which is remarkable.
I have also a narcissistic mother and when I was a child I could not stand that my mother was telling lies because I already had a moral compass inside me. So I became a truthteller and you surely know what the consequenses were: big rages, insults etc.
I would bring it to her attention... Maybe she's Not aware. Wishing you the best. 🌺🙏✨
@@EC-yd9yv Thank you for the advice. I have brought it to her attention before, not with those exact words, but I have pointed out the way she treats me plenty of times. Her reaction is denial, "How DARE YOU!!!" or "If you told someone that, they would laugh in your face" - meaning, no one would believe that she could do things like that, or maybe she meant that they would know it's not true, if she is denying it to herself. The thing about people with narcissistic personality disorder (as opposed to just someone who can be narcissistic at times), especially if they're a covert narcissist, is that they know what they're doing is wrong because they don't act that way in front of other people. They have everyone fooled that they're such a sweet person, but the way they treat their own family, especially the scapegoat of the family, is not so sweet. That proves that they are already aware of what they're doing, at least deep down, because they hide it. And it was interesting how her reaction one time was about what people would think if I told them. It apparently doesn't matter what I think, only other people.
@@DevorahTafus ugh .. yes, that mentality, there is no reasoning with them.otherwise heartfelt chat def no go, sry .. best to keep distance for sure and keep words few.
Good vibes your way 💕🌺🙏✨✨✨
Omg!! My brother has been dehumanizing me my entire life! So thankful for you Dr. Les. He is no longer in my inner circle. The games are over. I'm on team healthy now!
As Aways, another spot on from Dr. C. A number of years ago being attacked by neighbors I simply told the most level headed of the crew "No one ever looks good while making others look bad". The look I got was priceless and remains in my memory as the Go to of remarks.. Didn't have any more problems in that crew. Love ya Dr. C.
Thank you for that.
They can be super subtle too. Not so in your face but the message us the same.
I'm going to guess that it's a pattern of no personal accountability.
The insults are required to have you believe they perceive you more accurately than yourself; then you lower your own self-esteem and look up to them, giving them compliments. Mission accomplished.
Well said. ❤
My cousin used to insult me when I was a kid to my face constantly and her “friends” behind their backs. We never complimented her. They tear everyone down regardless. They project their shame on others. They don’t feel remorse or accountability but they feel shame and rage
In ALL things, ask only: "What would GUS Do?"
❤
😂hurray for Gus. He’d probably yawn and go back to his nap!
No dignity, civility or respect towards you in these relationships. Just chaos, confusion and pain.
The "love" you thought was there was fake and very conditional.
Yeah well said.
Centerpiece of Narcissism:
"You are a nobody/nothing but I am somebody/all."
Strong Narcissistic traits:
1. Easy criticism, finding faults everywhere
2. You are either an asset or a transaction
3. No regard at all for your boundaries
4. Guilt trips, shame, belittlement
5. Motivation via sarcasm
6. Passive non-cooperative
7. Being evasive
8. Many demands and requirements
9. Their opinion/belief matter only
10. Weaponizing anger
(harsh tone of voice, rage, grudges)
11. Insistent, persuasive communication
12. No need to know you(r backstory)
13. To them, tolerance = condone
14. Judgment by "othering"
15. Willing to humilate
16. Holding grudges for a long time
》Pathological selfishness
》Goal: to wear you down
》Stirring up your instability
》Creating doubt
》》Dehumanization
Dr Carter 👨🦳 and Gus 🐶 thank you for another lesson full of insight 🌞🌟🌝🌈
Thanks once again, Roxy, for providing such good notes.
@@SurvivingNarcissism You are welcome, Dr Carter and many thanks to you 😊
Thank you for taking notes as ever. ✍ So helpful 🙂
@@yukio_saito You are welcome, Yukio, as always 😊🙏💛🙏
Thank you!
“Once you see it; you can’t unsee it”……..Dr C. Perfectly put.
Narcissist will get envious and murderous if they find out one little tidbit about you that they can't compete with.
Years ago before I knew anything about narcissism, I used to tell my then wife "everytime you cut me down, you grow a bit taller". Same deal. Only in hindsight can I understand what I was dealing with.
thank you this is a cool way to say it and if she gives me a chance I might say it to her.
Before internet .. I thought the narc was bi polar , but I have to remember that about growing a inch , especially since he’s a midget 😵💫
I used to joke at the beginning of the relationship how "competitive" he was. Soon found out, it wasn't a joke to him. But a game, yes. And that I was "game", too, not a human or autonomous agent. And there was no way I could ever "win".
Moved out about 6 months ago, he tried to break my no contact more than once already. But I'm not going for the bait anymore. Geez. Therapy it will be.
I just want to say thank you. I’ve been watching your videos for a few years now, and I am finally getting a divorce. It’s a very scary process. I never know what’s coming, but I do know to hold my head high and to believe in myself and that is because of your videos so thank you thank you thank you!!❤
Best of luck with your divorce
The narcissist will have you believe you can never make it on your own. You can! Best wishes ♥️
Congratulations! This is a huge accomplishment. I've been watching Dr. C'.s & Dr. Ramani's videos for a few years now too, but I've been feeling quite low this time of year especially since I'm still very much stuck (there's no joy, no celebration of anything here otherwise it leads to their inevitable rage storms; my yearly bday "gift" is them not raging at me; the only cause for a "decent" mood is their substance use and even that's a crapshoot). After listening to this video and scrolling through the comments I read yours and it was EXACTLY what I needed to read.
Thank you for sharing your progress here. Not everyone can get out right away and it's good to be reminded of that. It's also good to remember just because I haven't reached my ultimate goal of leaving doesn't mean I'm not working towards it and growing in-between.
I wish all of the best getting through your divorce and the rest of your life free with a renewed sense of self💜
I see so many parallels with my sister in this video. The nasty voice when she snaps at someone, making her views sound like they're the only valid one even about trivial things, belitting others (other family, me, and my partner in front of me), cutting me off emotionally to try and make me grovel to get back in her good books. I see it all quite clearly now and while I'm still sad that I'm not sure our relationship could ever be repaired or was even ever "normal", and it means I dont see my niece very often, her actions serve as a reminder to me that I should be glad that we now have some distance and she's stopped bothering with me. I will not fall over myself to placate someone who doesn't treat me or my loved ones like human beings.
Same here, thought mine had changed, but I was wrong. Her issues impact my ability to have relationships with my nieces and nephews. I don't want this but, I only asked she prove 'the books' to me, she has $ in trust informally, and she won't prove it to me? I got yelled at and hung up on? Is it me?
Strangest comment ever was when he seemed to be seriously reflective but then came out with comment: “I just don’t understand why we argue so much!” He never compromised & created constant chaos
"I don't understand why you won't shut up and just do what I say."
@@SurvivingNarcissism This translation into Narc language really made me laugh - so true!
The Sociopath would passive aggressively tell me, "You are always asking 'why? why? why!!! I never ask that question. I don't think - I just do!!!"
The more i learn about psychology the more i see how my ex gf fits this exactly.. To a T. Used my good nature against me for way too long. We dated for 9 years and looking back i cant even remember having a real conversation, it was her just talking at me or waiting to talk. And of course all the physical and verbal abuse and disrespect and lying cheating all the good stuff.. My dumba$$ though i was doing the right thing by staying cuz i felt bad for her. I even left her once a year in cuz she was so insanely jealous and controlling, i should NEVER have taken her back cuz things were good for a few weeks then she just made my life hell after that.. Seemed like she held a grudge for ever after that. Shed treat me worse than dirt then would be balling crying if id leave? Very confusing when i was younger.. Drove me insane.
I’m sorry I was married to one for 32 yrs! When I started counseling the year before I filed for divorce, I learned about narcissism. What really got my attention is learning that they never change. If only I knew this sooner (the part that they never change).
I’m at 35 years and planning my exit now.
@@wheatORweed important to plan in advance for sure. It took me a year.
After 49 yrs of marriage, my 90 yr old husband walked out our front door, got into the front seat of his 65 yr old son’s car (who suddenly appeared to pick him up), they drove to his law office & removed me as my husbands power of attorney! Mind you, they did this to me, a loyal, faithful, nondrinker, loving stepmother to his 6 children, caregiver to his parents, wife who provided free daily labor including shining shoes & starching his blue oxford cloth button down shirts just so, free cleaning lady, laundress, chef who prepared full course dinners each night (which he refused to eat with me at the dining room table-I had to eat meals at the kitchen counter), he owned a 42 ft cabin cruiser which he expected me to clean & keep fully stocked so he could take his “friends” out on the lake for sojourns (I wasn’t invited on these trysts, thank God..I just had to clean up the messes left behind), etcetcetc. Why did I stay? Because I was raised catholic& I made a promise the day I married him & I thought by being good and kind and dutiful and loving to that man that I was somehow honoring our marriage…& that I could change the behavior of an unfaithful, alcoholic covert narcissist. He yelled at me almost every single day for 49 yrs, threatening to “leave me penniless!” That is exactly what he has done. I am 73 yrs old and as of August 2023, I have been left all alone in this world. He drove my friends away yrs and yrs ago, his kids are lined up against me all of a sudden now that they are all in control of daddy’s $$, and oh yeah, right before he walked out, he helped himself to all the $$ in my piggy bank, my wallet, my purse, & my pants pockets. And he’s a millionaire. And God knows I’m not.. My advice to you? GET OUT NOW. RIGHT NOW. IT ONLY GETS WORSE IF YOU WAIT.
Team Healthy Baby! Dr C your a Angel ❤
So pleased!!
Dr. Carter, right before you said it, I was thinking to myself, "Yes, but once you see it, you can't unsee it"!!!
Now that's what I call validation!😊
Unique, special,entitled
That and more!
In THEIR eyes! 👍
Every single person I know is a Narcissist!! I feel like Steve Brody in that Bugs Bunny episode! Every Person he met was Bugs Bunny he couldn’t escape Bugs Bunny so at the end Steve Brody jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge and killed himself! I’m not ready to jump off a bridge yet but I understand Steve Brody!
After I found out my narc was cheating on me, I sent him an email, thanking him fir freeing me to have authentic love and joy in my life. He replied with an email threatening to take me to court, he said I had committed slander and libel, which I didnt do. That's how a narc works, cery cowardly.
How weird. A total overreaction.
100% you have just described my one sister. I went no contact with her this year & the peace and serenity this brings is amazing, but it causes friction with my other sister. A kind, loving and empathetic woman who thinks I am causing a rift or sulking when I do not want to take part in family celebrations that revolve around the narcissist. It breaks my heart to see members of my family manipulated as they are still in the "fog" and can't see how they are being used, abused and treated like dirt. All I want is to love and support them. Yet somehow, I am still made out to be the trouble maker. I only had my light bulb moment after therapy. Even then I was in denial for months. I know it can be a slow process to realise the toxic people in your life. My heart and love goes out to all in this channel. I hope one day others in my family will wake up. Thank you Dr Carter for what you do. God Bless
My narc ex friend used to (not so) subtly put my husband down in a snarky , half joking sort of way. She would say, "That sounds like a personal problem..." and "Not my circus, not my monkey". What she really meant was "I have had it with your drama and there's really something wrong with you. The more she said these things, the less funny they were. We knew exactly what she meant. She was very controlling and passive aggressive and almost every relationship she has ever had was mostly or purely transactional. We are so done with her. It's been more than 2 years since we have last spoken and I don't know that I ever want to despite us having been friends for more than 25 years. Oh well...
Same boat! We are trying to be in the Healthy Boat thou, so we don't need sharks swimming around us
Length of time is over rated. Your sanity trumps time 💜🕊🐬🙏🏻
We were there too - thirty years. Done with the sarcastically put downs- they live to pretend they are ‘jokes’. No more!
Another great video.
The only feedback I have today is, earlier, I was putting out some very heavy trash onto the sidewalk (an old wooden cabinet that I'd broken up), when a neighbor in a wheelchair stopped and we got into a friendly chat. Near the end, I started telling him about NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder), and I shared the situation I had with my (NOW-EX!) home care clients. I compared it to the 60s TV series "LOST IN SPACE". The younger guy was like "Don West". The older guy, the one in charge, was like "Dr. Zachary Smith". And I said, when put up with their nonsense, I was like the kid, "Will Robinson". But when I DIDN'T put up with their nonsense, I was like "The Robot". When he began always getting in the best lines, it drove Smith up a wall. (The crazy thing is, the actor who played Smith, Jonathan Harris, was writing his own scenes on the show-- and that must have included The Robot's dialogue. So he was giving The Robot the BEST lines! They were the "Bud Abbott & Lou Costello" of that show.)
I LOVE how these days I can get into friendly conversations like this with total strangers.
It's good when you can LAUGH about some things afterward, but make no mistake. I'm SO relieved I'm no longer working for those 2 deranged lunatics anymore.
Danger Will Robinson!
(Honestly I barely remember Dr. Smith. I do remember Bill Mumy's name though, he grew up and worked a bit on Star Trek and Babylon 5.)
I used to go into a mode of giving up completely - the narcissist just got to call it.
They isolate and restrict.
Absolutely! Self-expression is not allowed! 🫂❤️
@@amandaliverpool3374 Not only that though. You aren't supposed to have a world beyond them.
@@An-mei I know! How dare we even think about it! 🫂❤️
@@amandaliverpool3374 You learn not to trust
@@An-mei I agree. But, I hope you learn to at least trust yourself 🫂❤️
10+ years...... never apologized! Never EVER said she was sorry....for anything! I found myself apologizing for things I hadn’t done just to stop arguments. I truly loved her. The only love I’ve ever experienced like that. I’m thankful for the lessons learned, but angry at the years wasted. Best yrs of my life....wasted
Good riddance!!!
Not wasted, just not happy.
Now you know what you don't want in your life, you can start seeking what you do.
@@WindowsXP_logon_sound_25yrsago I agree, to an extent. Issue is, I don’t care to get close to anyone now. Slept beside her for a decade, knew her over 20 yrs, and yet I didn’t know her at ALL. I have trouble reconciling that. It’s made me question humans in general. I just can’t understand it. Hopefully I can make progress, my son deserves a mother/mother figure. Side note, she’s still stalking/gangstalking us. She’s totally derailed our life in the last couple months. I feel like she’s evil, I don’t understand how I loved her. Question my judgment now.
@@WindowsXP_logon_sound_25yrsago paroled?
Me, Myself and Yours Truely is the upmost centerpiece. THEMSELVES!!!
Lol ❤
I would like to think that I am teachable. I watch my tone of voice constantly, and I have made many mistakes using certain harsh tones with my own children. As the kids are now young adults, I have explained to them my regrets. I now attempt to execute patience and love during moments of discipline. (I also have changed the way I interact with children I work with at a school.)
It’s so true that many times we repeat those healthy and unhealthy patterns learned in childhood in our families of origin. In my childhood, my parents used harsh tones during times of correction.
Hi Dr. Carter, Gus and the Team Healthy Community from California. What you think, say or feel about anything means nothing to them. You are no one to them and they don't care about you except for what they can get from you. They talk to others about you very badly to make others think they are superior to you. They really do use anger as a weapon Dr. Carter and you are so right about that. Thank you so much for this video Dr. Carter. You tells it just like it is as you always do but this one is like a rerun movie I have lived. People need to know the nightmare of being with a Narcissistic person and that it only gets worse.
Dr. C. I am still with you after so many years. The latest in my life is my beloved husband is now in a nursing home with Parkinson's. His daughter, the narc, from his first wife, who passed, has taken completely control over his care, illegally. The stress is most of the time, unbearable. I don't know where I would be without your guidance. God bless.
Glad you're still hanging on. I'll keep on addressing the issues, and you keep on in your persistence!
That does sound stressful.
🌺💕🙏✨✨✨
Another great one, Dr. Carter! It took me a long time to really understand that behind this grandiose behavior, this facade, hides a very insecure person. How is that possible? And am I then obligated to feel sorry for a miserable creature that knows nothing else but to put other people down? It took me decades to see both. And still, the anger and sadness about being "dehumanized" is at the forefront, and should be. How the narcissist became the pitiful, shameless being that he is, is a totally different chapter. Thanks for concentrating on us, the victims.
It is so painful to deal with the narcissists' belief of "their opinions/belief system is the only thing that matters". Even my kids felt gas-lit and started to have self-doubt after talking to their narcissistic father. My kids asked: why is dad so sure about something that is obviously so wrong? Well, it has nothing to do with facts but everything to do with the narcissist's belief: he is never wrong.
Transactional - guided by ‘what’s in it for me?’.
I recognize it. Thank you Dr. C!
This video is so important in what it is saying. It captures a lot of different points and really goes in deep into the problem. I got a lot out of it. Thank you.
So pleased!!
Ding ding ding all the green lights are flashing!
Typical statement of the N I am married to...'You arent pulling your weight', 'you ARE useless arent you?', 'its not MY role'. 'If you could just...'.
I'm guessing he doesn't admit any of these things about himself. Funny how that works.
Gus once again is awesome! He brings joy Dr C!
He is a Healthy Dog 🙂 🧡💛💚
True and true.
I started listening to Dr. C. along time ago. It helped me understand my boss at the time. I took my weekends to bring myself back to reality, making myself feel worthy. I wish Trumpers would listen to him too - get a better understanding of him!
I've been watching the CZcams channel Societal Narcissism and he's been doing a lot of videos on these estranged parents. There's a group of narcissistic estranged parents claiming they were super loving and caring, but their child couldn't handle it and isn't talking to them anymore. Its ridiculous these estranged parents think we're going to buy into their lies.
People don't care how much you know, until they know how much you care. Teddy Roosevelt. Narcissists don't care.
"They (the narcissists) don't need to be in your inner circle. Make your plans accordingly". Amen
Thank you for all that you do Dr. Carter. I have been finding my strength and self-worth again by watching your videos. Healing is finally taking root. Go Team Healthy!
I've noticed a pattern with (too many) people in my life: Call someone stupid, so they'd look smart by comparison. Call someone weak, so they'd look strong by comparison. Call someone ugly, so they'd look attractive by comparison. Call someone cowardly, so they'd look courageous by comparison. Call someone incompetent, so they'd look experienced by comparison. Call someone mediocre, so they'd look authentic by comparison. And, especially, call someone crazy, so that'd look sane by comparison.
People who refuse to walk the walk, but always talk the talk. People who will tell you what they want you to think of them, instead or letting their self evident virtues speak for themselves. People who believe their opinions are facts, and that your opinions are, therefore, inherently misguided.
People who have driven me into a lonely life of solitude and successfully turned me against myself.
My computer locked up this morning and I got angry at it and diminished it, but it didn't make me feel any better. Not even a little bit.
Lol 😊
My point!
😅
Such a simple explanation of a complex disorder. Makes so much sense! I tend to overthink and make things too complicated. Ugh. Thank you Dr. Carter. :)
I grew up with narcissistic abuse. Father, older sister(11years), and her husband. I was 11 when she married him. He was an overt narc and took delight in "joking" ( think insulting)with me. I hadn't seen my BIL in a few years, I was older and wiser. When I did see him again, he tried the usual make her look stupid junk. But, this time, I stared him down. HE COULDN'T LIFT HIS HEAD TO LOOK ME IN THE EYES! I won! What a feeling. No, he never did it again!
A 21-year-old couple I know went through this: the husband began telling his wife he was suicidal and felt that he could hurt their baby or her. This was scary and she asked me to give him sort of a spiritual Tune-up, which I gladly did. It seemed to help him for a while, but a couple weeks later, he dropped this MASSIVE devaluation on her! With a horrible look on his face, he began to tell her how he regretted getting married and having a baby with her, that he wants to divorce her and marry another young girl who's barely 18! He dreams about being with this young girl, he said. He then complained that he doesn't like her looks or her body. She's in good shape even just after having the baby and is a sweet, attractive young lady. He said intimacy with her was disappointing and he was disappointed with her even on their wedding night! Get this: he told her flat-out: he's stuck in a cycle where he LIES to get what he wants and when he's done, he moves on!! He tells her he's tormented and has huge bouts of abject fear. He said that he HATES some of her other relatives and there's no real reason for such bitter hatred. She felt that she and the baby were in danger so she fled. He contacted her and she told him she was taking the baby to be with her parents and family, etc., like she suggested earlier that it might be a good idea to have a little time apart to sort this out. She was waiting for a flight out at the airport. What he said next was shocking.... He said, "If you leave, DON'T BOTHER COMING BACK!" She has made up her mind that she's done with all this, as his covert mask is now completely off. She will be divorcing his cruel ass. I've known him a couple years or so and I had no idea he was truly like this! He comes off as quiet, sweet, helpful and hard-working. However, the more we have encouraged him and supported him, the less we get in return. He's very empty and has no charisma. He has not grown up and we don't think he ever will. He is a covert narcissist.
No empathy-->cruelty + refuse to change (care)= primary characteristic of a narcissistic violator.
This is why you have to exercise strong boundaries. Even if that means getting loud and being harsh to them. That's the only way they understand that there is no supply there and leave you alone to go find someone else. Works every time.
boundaries dont work on narcissists. they have already prepared a way in which you can be attacked or fired (they abound in workplaces) if you try to set a boundary, and when you do , they will either not listen to your boundary , or remember it, or they will try to assassinate your reputation and punish you with their power or flying monkeys.
You best answer is just to leave, your work or break up with them and stay away.
After 4 years of ghosting my adult son sent a whining letter reckoning with us being "harsh" during his childhood. He was plainly rebellious and wasted much of his chances on his own. I had to "harshly" answer back to his lack of respect, once again. I'm so done with this. First my mother, now my son. But you're right there's nothing but strong boundaries that works.
@@Corinna_Schuett_GER yes, i have similar family members. They have to be put in their place harshly, otherwise they will run all over me. I'm able to have a limited relationship with them, but certain things we just can't share, which is unfortunate. They simply don't know any other way and will always keep trying....so they need to be controlled, unfortunately.
In your opinion, do you believe weak boundaries (or difficulty setting them) could cause someone to become like the toxic individual? I don't think I do well in this department, and there's that saying that you become like the people around you. Seems like being able to enforce boundaries would prevent this.
@@andoryuu3 there is a difference between setting strong boundaries and defending them, and going around exploiting and attacking people. When i say being harsh to narcs, i'm only talking about in self defense....otherwise i get along with most anyone. So no, i don't believe i'm becoming like them, even though we all have it in us. I'm just showing them that i'm also capable of harshness but only to defend myself....that's the only language they seem to understand.
This is so true! One family member who is held above others can be so destructive.
I have a hard time thinking about how my mother would be treated if she goes to live with my brother and SIL. Other people are too much a bother with.
I told my mother we plan to move. She has decisions to make. She doesn't like to hear this but she will have to figure it out. I didn't raise him. I don't need to adjust my life accordingly any longer. Their future is set.
They definitely hit you when they don’t get things their way. It’s funny if it doesn’t hurt too much.
You don't have to tolerate abuse you know that right??? You deserve someone who treats you like a queen and if this person can't or won't, than it may be time to walk away.
The price is outrageous for so many of us who do not have that sort of resources.
9:16 Me sharing how my family did things or how I was raised was always met with harsh criticism, and reminders that I left my family to marry him, and I can’t use those things as excuses, and whatever else he came up with that day. Nothing was ever a good enough reason for anything if he decided it wasn’t okay.
My elderly mom is furious at me that I've finally set some boundaries in the last year or two, and she treats me with open contempt in front of other people. She assumes people will think I'm a terrible person, because look at how much my own mother hates me. She doesn't realize that more than once, people who've witnessed this have shown me sympathetic gestures or asked if I was ok. When someone treats you like garbage, they think it reflects on you not realizing it only reflects on them.
Dr. Carter: Does the narcissist actually feel "love"? Is it just a "craving" for their supply?
It's a craving. On Dec 2, I have a video scheduled about narcissists who reject your initiatives to love. It will explain some of what you ask. I have defined narcissism as an absence of love.
@@SurvivingNarcissism I can't wait for that video, Dr. C! I don't believe narcs are capable of real human love.
I told my parents: authentic love requires respect. They don't like it when I challenge their disrespect 😂
@@human_4real -- The very last words my Dad said to me before he passed away were, "I love you." It was 40 years TOO LATE. I didn't believe him.
Narcs don’t/can’t love. They don’t love themselves and they don’t know God. We love because God loved us first
Hello Doc C, You Nailed it, My Oldest Brother by 6 years. I Remember Like Yesterday, My Parents who were Wonderful, went to Phycologist in the 70s took me Along, to talk about our Family, I Remember him saying " There's Nothing Wrong with You People you have to Get your Oldest Son in Here". Course he wouldn't Go. That Guy Laid Waste to a Family with No Problems Except for Him. By the way Zen Master Gus Looked at Camera the Whole time, Funny
From time to time, he gets focused!
I have such a better understanding of what my father, my siblings, and I dealt with during our lives. No matter how hard my father tried (he was no saint, but he tried so hard) nothing was ever good enough and they eventually divorced. My mother put everyone down starting with her children. We were stupid, we were never good enough, we weren't ever going to amount to anything because we were just like our stupid father, and on and on and on. No matter what I tried to do to better myself my mother found a way to thwart it but she elevated my younger sister to "goddess" status because, in my mother's eyes, she could do no wrong. If my sister did something that wasn't acceptable it was my fault because, in my mother's non-logical mind, my sister never would have done that thing unless I told her to do it. That way of thinking has NO logic. One day I walked out the door, got my own apartment, and never regretted it. I always attributed my mother's crazy ways to the fact that she had been diagnosed with mental illness but I now believe, through what has been shared here, that her mental illness simply made her narcissistic tendencies worse. My mother had low self-esteem and that just made her nastiness worse. I always marveled at the people who still treated her with respect an kindness even when she was showing her worst side. She was such an unhappy person while on earth and I am hopeful my mother has found peace in the years since she passed. Thank you for what you share and helping me understand exactly what my family was dealing with all our lives.
Perhaps your mother's behavior is logical, but only if you look at it from a narcissistic point of view. You evidently "grew up", advanced beyond her, you get the idea. Her only way of coping was to use the tired old narcissistic tactic of comparing you with your sister, but only after pretending your sister was a goddess. A narcissistic mother shall not be outshined. Except that is exactly what happened, beyond all of her narcissistic control styles, because you made up your own mind -- independent from her. You got your own apartment, and you say you never regretted it but I imagine you look back at your choice as one of the best things you ever did in your life. (Am I right? 😄) You learned to see your mother as the unhappy person she was, which I'm sure was something she tried to prevent you from ever seeing.
You know what I do sometimes? I look back at narcissistic people who have passed and realize I never could get through to them. But I also like to imagine that maybe now, maybe they are not hurting so much. Maybe now they feel better. Maybe now I can think good thoughts about them and they will somehow hear me. Maybe now I can get through to them. I can't explain it, but doing this is my own act of forgiveness. I couldn't forgive as long as they were alive and hurting me, but now I can. It has worked for me. Please remember to be kind and gentle and loving to yourself as you continue forward through life after narcissistic abuse, and take care.
@@danielkaiser8971 Thank you for your comments and perspective. I agree with you and know I need to learn to like myself better, which is something I am working on. My mother was diagnosed with mental illness which left me in charge of the family at a young age. In later years it became apparent she still harbored great "hatred" for me and even told me at one point that it was too bad I had lived. That hurt so much. As she grew older she told my sisters lies about me and when I was told about them and denied the lies they would tell me they were only telling me what our mother had said. No matter how badly she treated me I was never unkind, but when the abuse got to be too much for me I would step back for a time, then I'd try again; it was like a "rinse and repeat" relationship where I always hoped when I did visit her things would be better. When I would try again she would even tell me she missed me and she loved me and simply couldn't respond. She was in a nursing home the last 7 years of her life and I began to only visit her if another family member was with me which made things a bit better. I loved her and only wanted her to love me but knew she simply didn't know how to love - her love capacity was completely devoid of that emotion. I am truly hopeful that she has found peace now that she has passed. Finding Dr. C has made such a difference and I'm so thank for what he shares. It is Dr. C who has made me realize my mother was a narcissist which was probably made much worse by her serious mental health issues. Thank you again for your comments and kind words. I will continue to try to be kind to myself and be me. My youngest brother passed away suddenly about 5 years ago; he was the only one I was close to and I miss him more than words can express. I am a work in progress and need to remember to give myself more credit for what I have achieved. Thanks again!
@@ginnywalker184You're very welcome. 😊
I'm finding that my older sister is possibly a narcissist. Her behavoir while I try to make my break is unbelievable.
Dr Carter have you ever had this scenario? My narc called the VP of Nursing at the hospital where I worked my first nurse job. Demanded to know what kind of nurse I was. God Bless the VP. Told the narc I was an exceptional human being.
Yes, I have. Good for the VP that she stood up for you!!
Yes - that's really the "centerpiece" the master hallmark trait... and No - they don't want to see your humanity - and worse, they don't want you to see your own humanity.
Perfect description of my Boss. He has almost destroyed the business.
You can't collaborate or plan anything with them.
Leave these people alone. It only took one hour of visiting with someone like this in person to destroy my peace of mind for three weeks. I've learned so much from Dr. C and haven't listened faithfully all year. Now I'm having to get the stink off me and reeducate my spirit.
Keep learning!!
@@SurvivingNarcissism I will and I appreciate you Dr. C
On point. Thank you Dr C. The burden of being them must be exhausting. I feel some sorrow for them to a degree but won’t forget this. Best thing to do is learn we are all pattern seeking primates but to be the opposite of them