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First Love Is Always Unrequited | Stephen Fry | Big Think
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- čas přidán 22. 04. 2012
- First Love Is Always Unrequited
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The “unbelievable hole” of yearning and longing that it creates can never be returned.
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Stephen Fry:
Comedian, actor and writer Stephen Fry was born in 1957 in London and brought up in Norfolk. He attended Queen’s College Cambridge from 1979, joining the Cambridge Footlights Dramatic Club where he met Hugh Laurie, with whom he forged a highly successful writing partnership. His first play, Latin! or Tobacco and Boys, written for Footlights, won a Fringe First at Edinburgh Festival in 1980. He wrote again for theatre in 1984 when he rewrote Noel Gay’s musical Me and My Girl (1990). This was nominated for a Tony Award in 1987.
He has written for television and screen, and as a newspaper columnist - for the Literary Review, Daily Telegraph and The Listener. Stephen Fry's four novels are The Liar (1991), The Hippopotamus (1994), Making History (1996) and The Stars' Tennis Balls (2000). He has also published a collection of work entitled Paperweight (1992); Moab is My Washpot (1997) - an autobiography; and Rescuing the Spectacled Bear: A Peruvian Journey (2002) - his diary of the making of a documentary on the plight of the spectacled bears of Peru.
His book, Stephen Fry's Incomplete History of Classical Music (2004), written with Tim Lihoreau, is based on his award-winning series on Classic FM and is an irreverent romp through the history of classical music. The Ode Less Travelled - a book about poetry - was published in 2005. His latest book is Stephen Fry in America (Harper Collins 2008).
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TRANSCRIPT:
Question: Who was your first love?
Stephen Fry: Who was my first love? Well I shan’t give you his name because that’s unkind, and he is married and has children and I wouldn’t want to embarrass his children, but I’ve given him various names in novels and in books. Like a lot of first loves, certainly first loves for sensitive people such as I was then, I guess I have what I have is called the primary writer’s arrogance of assuming that my experiences are common to everyone else’s experiences, sometimes it is true, mostly one hopes it’s true and therefore that’s what one likes in a writer. You think oh, I feel that too. Just occasionally you might express a feeling and everyone goes, “What?” Then it’s very embarrassing, but I’m assuming that most people their first love when they’re teenaged that unbelievable hole that opens up inside them of longing and yearning, of pain, of joy, that huge great bundle of toxic emotions and allied to beauty and opening out into nature and to glory and suddenly connecting you with every love poet and every love song ever written, that that explosion in my head and heart will never be matched. You can never hope to recapture the first fine careless rapture as the poet put it, but it stays with you like a good acid trip. You know, you get a little flashback every now and again. It will never leave you and it teaches you to look at things differently and to feel things differently. It educates your soul if you like, and all first love is unrequited ultimately because it’s so huge. It’s such an act of giving and it requires so much back that it can never be given back and in that you wouldn’t necessarily want to give them back. It’s just like a… It is like an atom bomb. It is like… It’s all the energy of who you are and who you want to be and what you love and what you hope to be explodes, and it is impossible for a single human being to offer that back to you in a mutual way. It would be like matter meeting antimatter.
It’s sort of almost important that what you do is worship and yearn and long, but so that was to me of course the single most important thing in my life and occasionally I get dreams and I’m back there again and I’m still as trembly as ever I was and I get… because I’ve written about it I get emails and Twitters, whatever, from people in, you know, in adolescence who are going through the same thing and say, “Oh, I read your book and it was the same for me and it is the same for me and he’ll never look at me, she’ll never look at me.” “What can I do?” “I’ll make a fool of myself.” “Should I write them a poem?” And, “What if they reject me?” And, “oh my God.” And I read that and … You know these vast sagas, these romantic sagas that are played out in every school, in every village and every town and every country in the world. It’s going on. It’s all this massive emotional energy just spreading outwards and some of it is…
Read the full transcript at bigthink.com/v...
Today I visited the grave of my first love, I fell for her after we made out at a rave while high on mdma 10 years ago. it was the most powerfully deep experience of my life getting to know her, she was the most beautifully complex person, scatterbrained, but self aware, a deep thinker, but lighthearted, many things about her so unlike myself! we spent hours talking to each other about everything, she even told me she thought she would die young. But it was unrequited love, she was a wonderful drug to me. I nearly lost my mind, trying everything to get her to love me. In the end I realized I was making neither of us happy chasing her, so I let her go over time. I am so thankful to the universe for bringing her to my life and teaching me how much I have to give, and that it is possible to gain a sense of having an empty heart but in the positive sense that it can be filled again. The lesson was so painful but profoundly strengthening too. I will always love you for that Rosie, Rest in peace.
Seven years cursed.
I'm tired
But I still see you in my dreams, and I wake up shaking and smiling.
Revie i relate
It’s been 5 years too .i thought I am foolish.There is someone who is like me too!
@@LiliTrainRevit yeah It's been 2 years now. I can't imagine what 7 must feel like. Most days I think I'm going crazy.
Haven't seen her in 18 years and still have dreams about her
I think I will never forget her until the last day of her life
@@souhaibraouafi217 thats cruel. Sorry to hear that. Any updates in your life this far?
My first love was unrequited love. I was in love with a man who was also going through unrequited love with an engaged woman. It's an endless cycle.
i'm tired of it, it's been years. i wish it would stop.
:( sry bro
3 years /:
Omoiyari23 5 years
Omoiyari23
2 years.....
it still hurts.
6 years for me...
We were both 15, summer of 2011. Hanging around with our friends in the city. Had a perfect, magical summer with her and our friends, best summer of my life. Couldnt believe how beautiful she was and how much i loved her at first sight, we lasted 5 years, im 24 now. Its been 5 years since we broke up but i always love and remember her, and the perfect summer we had together in the summer of 2011.
Have you moved on now?
@@suhani551 you hold on to something but you move on fast when you live your life
God, First Love sucked.
It's been what, 4 years?
I've forgotten his face and his voice but for some DAMN reason.....he's still there.
Did he have the displeasure of never enduring the imperfections of this unrequited first lover? The perfect image of her will always haunt me like a burn that never ceases to sting whenever it is touched upon. It makes it okay for me to die if all else fails in life. Before her, death never crossed my mind. Watching my heart break because of her was like watching a heavenly angel die in a hell where only demons rule.
woah. thats some deep shit
That's deeper than Billie Eilish
I feel and live every word he says. It's been 427 days since I've fallen for him. He may not feel the same, he may not be able to for many reasons, but it could have been. It could have been and knowing that just kills me. I'm sorry for everything I've done, I've tried, everything I didn't try. Everything that we were not. I know you'll go on to be a great person, live a great life, and love another, hopefully as much as I love you. I wish you the best. In the meantime I'll be here, dreaming of you and not being able to do anything about it. I'm sorry it's this way, I can't stop feeling for you. I know it's wrong. And I'm so so sorry.
I'm rambling I know but it's been hurting so much every single day. I just want to atone, I've tried everything and waited for so long for something to change. But it can't, it won't.
I still love you wgs, but I know I shouldn't. I know I can't. But I'll always be here waiting, dreaming, hoping, humoring myself until I die, probably by my own hands. I'm so so sorry
I felt this so hard when I read this. I really hope you are hurting less right now. i hope you are finding peace somehow.
I am crying right now. This is exactly how i feel. It’s been more than a year for me too but i still miss him. The ghost of him haunts me.
How are you doing right now? Do you still feel the same, honestly?
That's deep 😔
It is not wrong to have feelings, juste make your way
Vincent Van Gogh ended his angst from unrequited love. He shot himself in the abdomen; it only took 2 days to die and end his misery, but is he suffering still...? Perhaps for eternity? No person is worth suicide or even pining for; it's simply a temporary form of delusion that will eventually pass..., like a kidney stone, but it will pass.
"like a good acid trip" lol so unexpected
But so profoundly true...
It's hard falling for a straight guy knowing that he will never reciprocate the love back. This happened way back in highschool during my senior year ,I was in love with my friend he had never known I had feelings for him, the words " I'm in love with you" were always at the tip of my tongue but I could never say those words cause I didn't want to jeopardize our friendship , but long story short he jeopardize it anyways and we no longer speak.
If you are like you write you must have a good partner already.
Love listening to Mr fry. He always seems to make sense. Yet comes across humble as well as intelligent. Big fan.
I love my boyfriend with all my heart and I’m so content and there’s passion and comfort and everything I could ask for. But I fell in love at first sight with my ex at 17. And I still dream about him and I sometimes think of him and can’t push the thought out of my head. I think it’s more what he talks about here, not particularly him, but that all-encompassing feeling of longing and a rush of chemicals never experienced before. We get over that person, but we never get over the feelings associated with that persons presence in our lives. This really put those feelings in perspective for me.
I love Stephen. Thank you for being such a wonderful human being and sharing your positivity with all of us.
I think I need to love rather than be loved, but the thought of being in love with someone in love with someone else makes me feel sick - of course the ideal is to be balanced
Thank you, I feel the same way. its been 6 years for you, hope you could find that balance :)
Guys and girls, if you are heartbroken the only way to fix it is to let someone else in. It worked for me, you still think of them but you feel nothing painful. You don't deserve to suffer. xxxx
I tried that. I did. It ended with me breaking up with the girl. She seas absolutely great. There was no reasonable reason for me to break up with her. She was a 10/10. But the fact was, whenever I was out with her, all I could think about was how she’s not the girl I loved. And that killed me. I wasn’t being honest to myself or to her, so I decided to end it.
@@tudoronline5028 yeah I get that. I'm positive I could never love another man like I love him. I will wait because it's all I can do.
I think that's wrong, don't hurt someone just because you're still struggling to get over someone else. When you enter a relationship you should give your all not be half in it while you're trying to get over someone else
I hate it. I can’t seem to conquer my thoughts. It never goes away. It shaped everything since and gave me some dangerous coping mechanisms I hate feeling my emotions In such a huge volume. Sometimes it’s comforting to know I’ll be dead some day and nothing will matter anymore.
This moment sucks when you realise, you are not the FIRST love of your First love so he doesn't care that much after it 😭
I cried while watching this,
oh my lord.
MᎬᏒᎪᏦᎥ same. Very much same
A very genuine honest Stephen fry on love. ..beautiful and all true
Last love is unrequited too. Since you've already had a first love than you can't love your husband or wife with the same intensity.
*I wish “Moving On” was as simple as it sounds*
I don't think it's unrequited always. Sometimes it's mutual. Sometimes people who are each others' firsts stay together their whole lives.
Third unrequited love here, may god get me some happier days 🤗
At this point I have been in love only once (unrequited). It has been years now and still hurts. I'm very afraid of it happening again. Can't even imagine how you must feel.
its been 4 years since i last talked with my first love. and since then i never had a boyfriend. then last night, i had a vivid dream of my first love and it made me want to feel the love again, all the butterflies and the pure love i felt from him. i want to reconcile but it seems to be impossible. :(
OH NOOOO same situation but only 4 months now and I don't want to feel like that :(((
yeah it's true. in my case i couldn't stop thinking of her because i never let myself get close to her , so it was always left as a what if. really kind of a nightmare
Thank you for that sage advice, Mr Fry.
Unrequited love hits a man at the worst time, usually when he is in school and surrounded by beautiful girls that he ignores because he is infatuated by this one who will not return his love. Guys, for heaven sake, if she doesn't want you, the best thing you can do is turn your eyes to the hundreds of lovely single girls around you who are ready and willing. Don't fall so hard for this one.
Am going through this right now. Well said sir, well said.
Good advice. Don't try to see what isn't there, when there's so much else going on around you.
Only a writer would have the eloquence and be articulate enough to describe such matters.
What a lovely man.
I broke up with my first love because I knew he wasn’t right. Years later, he died in a fire. I always think he would’ve lived if we were still together. I would’ve had smoke detectors and would never have agreed to live in the building he was in. He also believed he wouldn’t live past 30 which bothered me and made me want to end things. He was right though.
First Love Is Always Unrequited... I was a true Aprils fool... That was the cruelest month.
Lost mine too. Listen to dreams by Fleetwood Mac, glad I’m not alone here
Still love this woman with every atom of my being,body and soul, and there for I chose to stay as well die alone because i saw how cruel love can be and nobody deserves to not be loved 100% ,and many can say i was never in love , to those i say love isn’t about receiving its about giving its okay if i dont have kids its something the spirit wants to live with and i can’t fight nature
Love is life, it is beautiful even if ends horribly, smile as you are alive and felt it
14 years for me, I messed up :(
Mine is going 10, I'm afraid it might go that far huhu, how can we move on already?
17 years took me 10 to find closure within myself. I just had a dream last night me always trying to have contact and be friends but obviously that will never happen. I knew he loved me but he never said it to my face just to his friend. He was a coward and I hope he lives with me on his mind just as I have for years.
I have dreams of the same girl nearly every night. It's maddening. It taints my day. If she asked me out today, I wouldn't even be interested in her.
Lier
@@fastsales1328 I believe him.
I’m 15, I thought I knew what love was until a week ago, she snuck up behind me at a park and sparked a conversation, we’ve being seeing each other every day since, in a month she’ll move to another city and so will I, but I will do the impossible to visit her at least every month
I believe I was in love with my first two girlfriends, but the first was possibly related more to hormones. The second girl I dated threw herself at me while she was dating a guy she had dated since middle school. I thought she did this because he wasn't appreciating her enough, but after I was told by friends/family that she was "fake" and that I needed to be careful, I found out they were right. I asked her to move to the city where I lived because she was having trouble finding work in our hometown. Due to the warnings, I sat her down and told her my family had always been poor and all I want out of life is to make a comfortable living in education and so she will have to be patient since I was younger than her, poor, and had to work two jobs while going to school full-time. She said "Okay," and then the very night of the day she moved in, we went to a party where I watched her throw herself at another guy simply because he said he was almost finished with his engineering degree which would earn him a lot of money. I later walked in on her in a laundry room with her legs wrapped around him looking in his eyes more lovingly than she ever looked at me. I walked out to the front of the apartment complex completely devastated. My heart broke and although the relationship continued for a few painful years after, I never recovered and doubt I ever will. I can now only love women based on respect and admiration, but I can never be "in-love" again after that.
I honestly love the way you put feelings into words!!💙 amazing!!!!
First love is always unrequited... not true. Circumstances may not allow moving forward.
Same here: even though I've kept a tell-just-about-all diary since I was 15 and am now 60 the name of my first love? That information goes with me to the grave. Some things are so valuable and special that they are not to be shared.
Would it be unrequited if it was a first love for both partners I wonder?
It's really private though! But only being able to admit it to myself recently I was in love with a girl for the first time ten years ago! And it was a craaaaaaaazy time for me🤦🏿♂️
Wow 😮 Thank you very much for this Stephen.
But lemme ask...is it a thing boys have trouble with? Or girls as well?
Because I never met a boy who wasn’t still thinking about his first love. But all the girls I met have moved on and Love their new partners as much as they loved the ones before...
How's this? My unrequited love posted this on her facebook about her unrequited love for someone else. Ouch. But I'm still alive and kicking baby! Fuck it! Love freely and take the pain and deal! Learn to love it and feel alive, and fuck the haters who are too scared to love and be themselves.
Can I ask why first love still love and remember in your brain and like in soul or heart?
Because I believe, since one had not truly experienced love before or the chemicals and hormones rushing in, the novel experience runs deep and touches the soul. When something is new, it is more enchanting. So first love, stays forever.
The title of the video says it all
Not true.
I met and married my first and only true love, Alan.
I am truly happy for you.
and that is the loveliest thing. i am genuinely happy you've found your alan, and that alan has found you.
First, second, third.... Maybe I'm cursed.
I feel you
on like 6th and same
lmao
Woah, that’s quite a description.
Wow. This has helped me a lot.
So sorry, Mr. Fry.....
I have been with my first love for 46 years now
Question: Can you get a Boy back even if you were not his first love... I loved him so much and want to give us an more mature chance. I broke up bec I wasn't ready...
I do not believe in unrequited love. 'Love' has to be mutual because mutual acknowledgement is the factor we are looking for.
To be seen and to be accepted. Quite likely this is the old childhood desire. To be truly loved as one is.
Unhappy love is just to be forced to accept that I can not 'have' someone. The physical attraction might remain but it has nothing to do with love.
Love is mutual.
Maybe people love the feeling of unhappy love, they dwell on it because their brain remembers the one true unrequited they suffered: being not acknowledged by their parents.
Bad luck when your mind begins to love this feeling because you mistake it for the real thing you never had.
I can feel physical attraction very strong. There are some triggers which even touch my heart. It feels like love but it is not.
But all this becomes too complicated when you have sex. Then for many it is not possible to judge feelings. Because sex is a real hard drug, made by nature for bonding. So some people can not have casual sex.
Not for me. My first love was very much reciprocated.
Did you marry him/her?
You're lucky
That’s nice to hear
which book is he talking about at 2:45?
What of it happened a 3rd time?
explosions, echos, ripples that last a lifetime, for better and for worse ha
Joke’s on you Stephen, they’ve ALL been unrequited. Ha!
his nose thoeeee O>O
David Clark II Stephen fry is godly
𝕀𝕥 𝕒𝕝𝕤𝕠 𝕕𝕖𝕡𝕖𝕟𝕕𝕤 𝕙𝕠𝕨 𝕘𝕠𝕠𝕕 𝕠𝕣 𝕓𝕒𝕕 𝕪𝕠𝕦𝕣 𝕗𝕚𝕣𝕤𝕥 𝕣𝕖𝕝𝕒𝕥𝕚𝕠𝕟𝕤𝕙𝕚𝕡 𝕨𝕒𝕤. 𝕀𝕗 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕙𝕒𝕕 𝕒 𝕙𝕠𝕣𝕣𝕚𝕓𝕝𝕖 𝕠𝕣 𝕥𝕣𝕒𝕦𝕞𝕒𝕥𝕚𝕔 𝕣𝕖𝕝𝕒𝕥𝕚𝕠𝕟𝕤𝕙𝕚𝕡, 𝕥𝕙𝕠𝕤𝕖 𝕔𝕦𝕥𝕤 𝕞𝕒𝕪 𝕗𝕖𝕖𝕝 𝕖𝕧𝕖𝕟 𝕕𝕖𝕖𝕡𝕖𝕣 𝕒𝕟𝕕 𝕗𝕣𝕖𝕤𝕙𝕖𝕣 𝕒𝕤 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕘𝕠 𝕚𝕟𝕥𝕠 𝕪𝕠𝕦𝕣 𝕟𝕖𝕩𝕥 𝕠𝕟𝕖, 𝕤𝕠 𝕪𝕠𝕦𝕣 𝕗𝕚𝕣𝕤𝕥 𝕣𝕖𝕝𝕒𝕥𝕚𝕠𝕟𝕤𝕙𝕚𝕡 𝕚𝕤 𝕘𝕠𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕥𝕠 𝕔𝕒𝕣𝕣𝕪 𝕠𝕧𝕖𝕣 𝕨𝕚𝕥𝕙 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕞𝕠𝕣𝕖. 𝕀𝕗 𝕪𝕠𝕦𝕣 𝕗𝕚𝕣𝕤𝕥 𝕣𝕖𝕝𝕒𝕥𝕚𝕠𝕟𝕤𝕙𝕚𝕡 𝕨𝕒𝕤 𝕞𝕠𝕣𝕖 𝕒 𝕔𝕒𝕤𝕖 𝕠𝕗 𝕛𝕦𝕤𝕥 𝕥𝕣𝕪𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕥𝕠 𝕓𝕖 𝕒 𝕘𝕣𝕠𝕨𝕟𝕦𝕡, 𝕟𝕠 𝕥𝕣𝕒𝕚𝕟𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕨𝕙𝕖𝕖𝕝𝕤, 𝕒𝕟𝕕 𝕚𝕥 𝕤𝕠𝕣𝕥 𝕠𝕗 𝕗𝕚𝕫𝕫𝕝𝕖𝕕 𝕠𝕦𝕥, 𝕚𝕥 𝕡𝕣𝕠𝕓𝕒𝕓𝕝𝕪 𝕨𝕠𝕟’𝕥 𝕙𝕒𝕧𝕖 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕤𝕒𝕞𝕖 𝕙𝕠𝕝𝕕 𝕠𝕟 𝕪𝕠𝕦. 𝔹𝕦𝕥 𝕚𝕥'𝕤 𝕒𝕝𝕨𝕒𝕪𝕤 𝕥𝕙𝕖𝕣𝕖, 𝕥𝕠 𝕤𝕠𝕞𝕖 𝕕𝕖𝕘𝕣𝕖𝕖 𝕠𝕣 𝕒𝕟𝕠𝕥𝕙𝕖𝕣.