Why Your Boyfriend Won't Look at You | Helen Fisher | Big Think
Vložit
- čas přidán 10. 09. 2024
- Why Your Boyfriend Won't Look at You
New videos DAILY: bigth.ink
Join Big Think Edge for exclusive video lessons from top thinkers and doers: bigth.ink/Edge
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Helen Fisher believes there’s an evolutionary reason for the fact that men prefer to have intimate discussions without making eye contact with their partner.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HELEN FISHER:
Helen E. Fisher, Ph.D. biological anthropologist, is a Senior Research Fellow at The Kinsey Institute at Indiana University, and a Member of the Center For Human Evolutionary Studies in the Department of Anthropology at Rutgers University. She has written six books on the evolution, biology, and psychology of human sexuality, monogamy, adultery and divorce, gender differences in the brain, the neural chemistry of romantic love and attachment, human biologically-based personality styles, why we fall in love with one person rather than another, hooking up, friends with benefits, living together and other current trends, and the future of relationships - what she calls: slow love.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TRANSCRIPT:
Question: What are the similarities and differences between how men and women define intimacy?
Helen Fisher: I’m working with the dating site, Chemistry.com, which is a division of Match.com. And I’ve put a questionnaire on that dating site and 5 million people have taken that questionnaire. Any way, about 12,000 take that questionnaire every week. And so, about a month ago, I put an intimacy scale onto that dating site to see whether there were some gender differences, and with the different types of personalities regarded intimacy differently. And I found no gender difference on two questions. Ninety-five percent of both men and women agreed that they felt it was extremely intimate to go off and do something adventurous with their partner. And 95% agreed, men and women, that having a deep conversation about the relationship was intimate.
So, I’m beginning to think that we don’t understand men anymore than we understand women. As a matter of fact, men fall in love faster than women do because they are so visual. Men are more dependent on their girlfriends and wives because they’ve got fewer intimate connections with other men. Men are two and a half times more likely to kill themselves when a relationship is over, and men are more likely to remarry after a spouse has died or deserted them. So, I think as we come to understand women, I think we are also going to come to understand men.
There’s one difference in intimacy between men and women that I think comes out of our evolutionary past. Women tend to get intimacy out of face-to-face talking. We swivel until we are right in front of each other, we lock eyes with what is called “the anchoring gaze,” and we talk. And we regard that as intimate.
And men tend to sit side-by-side and look straight forward and not look at each other at all and regard that as intimate. And I think they both come from our evolutionary past. I think women’s intimacy comes from millions of years of holding their baby in front of their face, cajoling it, reprimanding it, educating it with words. And so words and face-to-face contact is intimate to women.
Whereas, I think for millions of years, men had to sit behind a bush on the grasslands of Africa and keep their eye on the grasslands hoping a zebra is going to come by so that they can hit it in the head with a rock and they can’t be sitting there talking with somebody like this. They’ve got to talk while they’re looking forward. And I think this can complicate relationships. You’ll see a man and a woman on a park bench and the man is talking looking straight ahead, and the women has moved every single part of her body around in order to have eye contact.
As a matter of fact, I’ve had various men in my life who talk to me with their eyes completely shut and I think it’s because it’s too intimate for them. I mean, for millions of years men faced their enemies, they really sat side-by-side with friends. So, one of the things that I do with a man to make him comfortable is sit side-by-side with him and look straight ahead; particularly if I’m going to have a difficult conversation with him.
Question: Is it true that men have a propensity for cheating more than women?
Helen Fisher: I’ve looked at adultery in 42 societies and you see in every single place, even in cultures where you can get your head chopped of for it. So, there’s every reason to think that we’ve got some biological propensities for it...
Read the full transcript at bigthink.com/v...
Want to get Smarter, Faster?
Subscribe for DAILY videos: bigth.ink/GetSmarter
Ok 👍 I'll
"Men face their enemies, and stand side by side with friends" That right there, really hit me.
dammmn!
You are primed, as a man, to engage in tribal warfare. It sounds romantic and we all recognize the archetype of the warrior, but it's a manifestation of the male dominance hierarchy, competition to bring forth your genes more into the next generation then the competition can.
You're morons lol.
@P C No they're not. The whole reason for tribal warfare is inter species competition.
Ye, we all came for this message. I just had a serious talk with my boyfriend... Should have seen this earlier
My fiancé can’t look me in the eye during an argument because he says it throws him off his point because he is attracted to me so he forgets his points and he needs to be taken seriously 😩🥺🥺
xD 👍
that's adorable 🥺
I love that.
my boyfriend loves to look me in the eyes and it can get especially intense when we're having some sincere moment and I just can't handle how strong and overwhelming it is. even when we just cuddle he likes to look at me and the way he does it and the emotions I see on his face are a lot, no matter how good it feels to know I have someone who would look at me with such warmth and love lol. I struggle to keep eye contact in general
man thats so nice to hear
when will i be loved
@@abhiklovesbadbitches trust in your timing and trust the process ❤️ it's gonna be okay🌹
I feel exactly the same omg
@@abhiklovesbadbitchesnice name. Ask Linda
In my youth, I was in a gang. Most of my direct eye contact with men led to fights, but there was a real pressure not to look away, otherwise you’d seem weak. Unfortunately, this behavior during my developmental years has followed me into my adulthood; whenever I walk by a man and he looks directly into my eyes, my body gears up for a fight. It makes the world a very stressful place.
I see people like you just walking about and I always just have empathy… sometimes I’ll make the move to engage in a friendly manner just to show men can be non threatening. No clue if that helps tho
😢😢😢
❤
@@happydogg312 lol you get it 😂
@@happydogg312 Good advice. I’ve been practicing this week. Thank you.
She's great! She gets it, eye contact feels either way too intimate or too intimidating.
Mhmhm! That’s why when I soeak with anyone, I stare at their lips, nose, or forehead!
Looking at their eyes is like looking at fear themselves
@@odd-ysseusdoesstuff6347 wait, what?
I've had some of the most intense conversations with my other male friends while driving, and we both keep our eyes forward.
As someone with aspergers I find eye contact very intense and many times tiring. I don't know if this is true about a lot of men, but not making eye contact can be more intimate as I get to be more relaxed and comfortable in my own skin around her
anubis2814 o
It is true, even newborn kids don't like eye contact because it's part of our genetics. We learn to change from this as we grow up but some don't like me and you haha.
Isn't Asperger's sometimes referred to as 'extreme male brain'?
It would seem to fit
@@shadmansudipto7287 newborn babies will gaze into the eyes of whoever feeds them. i always ask if i can feed peoples babies because i think its beautiful they way they gaze at the person feeding them. when babies get older around 6 months they will purposely avoid eye contact if they are upset with a caregiver. if a parent is always home and then one day has to get a sitter, the baby will avoid eye contact for several hours.
.babies learn incredibly fast...birth to age 2 is extremely important. brain connections are formed from birth to age 2, so the more you engage and stimulate your baby the more pathways you are helping them to create for learning. loving and engaging with a baby actually makes them smarter, its also a bonding moment, creating connection.
casual eye contact is different than gazing into someone's eyes, it is more intimate, it requires comfort and connection. its not something we do with with everyone because it would awkward and uncomfortable. that's why babies are so special.. they don't know what insecurity, or awkward feels like yet. eye contact, touch, speech its all super important for babies.
Believe me. Very few women understand men. Most women see us as sun-humam.
if you don't understand your partner (but you try), it may be because your partner doesn't understand him/her-self
Woah, you're right.
"Men face their enemies, and stand side by side with friends" That hit me right in my soul, absolutely true
you literally copied and pasted a comment
Thanks Dr Fisher! The first segment was so spot on. There so many subtle differences between men & women, it’s wonderful that we are getting past the historical stage where men are maligned simply for not expressing the same way. Finally, after 40 years, I’m starting to be seen as a male and as an emotional creature. I’ve been following Dr Fishers work for a few years since I’m very interested in relationship dynamics, and this little BT video is a great intro to her work.
I watched this video with the laptop to my side, watching out for impala.
Lmao
LOL
hahaha
Explain
Lmao
I am a woman, biologically and mentally, but I am surprised to realise that I have really men like communication style. I’ve always knew that I want to keep the eye contact mainly when I’m angry. But not when I feel secure tho. There is literally no necessity to keep watching the one you trust, it feels like. I’m glad to learn the probable evolution behind that :))
Yeah but context matters. If you're speaking to a loved one you'd have to look at them. Otherwise, it's hurtful to the other person because there's no connection.
You and many other women like me. Simply because this is all bs. She can’t prove what she’s saying. How can we prove that women look more in peoples eyes because they’re used to look at babies in their eyes wtf seriously who believes this bs. If anything, looking into each others eyes comes from childhood experiences, confidence, cultural background, age, religion and much more.
Same but exactly the other way around I'm a straight guy but I find holding eye contact as very nice and do it every time i want to signal someone that i am paying close attention could be because i grew up with two bigger sisters and my mom definetly being the more dominant parent in raising me
Evolutionary psychology is sketchy at best.
Same. I can't focus on my words/thoughts if I look at the person I'm talking to (the exception being if I'm angry). On the other hand, if someone else is talking to me, holding eye contact will help me "hear" them better. Go figure..!
This is really interesting - I've always found myself more relaxed in conversation when I'm driving. It might be that there's something else requiring attention, or that whole idea that you're not staring directly at the other person which maybe takes some of the pressure off.
I also feel the same! But only because I know they can't say anything to piss me off or hurt me because I have the power to cut a left at the nearest cliff.
When my husband and I go out for a meal, we prefer to sit next to each other. It’s really interesting to hear that there may be a documented reason for that.
i saw this thing that sitting side by side is more intimate due to the physical closeness it allows compared to sitting across the table. also it allows to either look at the person or speak side by side, allowing versatility.
wait, just so to be sure, are you two a gay couple ?
There's nothing wrong with gaze aversion because it can be very intimidating. In some cultures, looking at someone straight in the eyes is considered rude and disrespectful. It is all about context.
If you are talk about trivial matters, it probably doesn't matter where you look. But if you talking about serious matters, just follow the culture and your gut feelings about the other person.
Apparently this one relates to early abuse. With abused people, eye contact is experienced as a threat. With non-abused (or much less abused) people, it is seen as a friendly gesture.
@@buildingutopia7617 is respect, even god himself forbid angels to look at him.
Or, wait, the fact that it's culturally depended shows that comfort is a question of socialisation not some biological thing
@@catsaresocute650 I think it's a nature vs nurture thing - how your culture sees something affects how your biology reacts and vice versa
@@mifaat3666 I mean culture is one of the forms of sozialisation, but yes
I have had men (often strangers) stare me dead in my face while I try to avoid eye contact. So according to this, they either saw me as an enemy or as their prey. Good to finally hear someone else make the correlation, a professional at that. 🙄 Still have a lot of problems understanding men but that’s good to know.
Fr men can't make eye contact but they are the one who ogle
@@sairabintesalek Exactly, they don’t seem uncomfortable when they do it or care how uncomfortable they’re making the other party either. If anything, it would be more fear of judgement cause they have no problem staring even if it’s not at your face🙄
@@mourgie I know exactly what you're talking about I've been stared at by men like this my whole life. It took me awhile to understand it's usually a predatory stare. Men that are abusers love to make you uncomfortable. A man that likes you would stare but you will most likely be able to pick up on them liking you and because they don't want to make things awkward they will look away.
Im a man . I make eye contact with everyone. Stop trying to demonize men in this context as a threat . Sounds like a personal problems
@@bellaapple2166 The realization that there are more predatory stares than kind gentle looks is quite alarming. I hope there are men in your life that you can genuinely feel safe around.
I think something has been missed here. Men tend to be aware that they are always at risk of confrontation. If you speak harshly and also stare directly into a man's eyes, this appears extremely confrontational. When a man does this to another man it can appear as though you are asking for a fight, something most men in reality, go out of their way to always avoid. Men are in the strange position of wanting to avoid fights, but feeling like there is always the possibility of ending up in one.
For this reason, highly aggressive men who enjoy picking fights are likely to make lots of direct eye contact with other men. In fact, certain types of men who are extremely violent and unpredictable may take even the slightest bit of eye contact with them at all as a challenge. The whole "Who the fuck do you think you're looking at?" type of thing.
Despite this, if it is clear that the situation has a very low probability of a physical fight occurring, then eye contact is extremely useful as it shows assertiveness. Making eye contact is useful in job interviews and social interactions in general. It just requires some practice to get out of that frame of mind that you may appear too confrontational.
I ended up in a conflict with another man a few weeks back. We ended up face to face about 6” apart. There was no way I was going to avert my gaze.
@@Deno2100 in front of the thailand king throne, you must look to the floor.
But that’s consistent with the thesis that males are “watching” for an external threat isn’t it? Meaning, intense eye contact would imply that at least one person in the interaction sees the other as a threat, hence inclines the interaction towards confrontation.
"For millions of years men faced their enemies, they really sat side by side with friends."
I think it's helpful to understand the reason WHY some people like to have direct eye contact and others prefer to be side-by-side. Although there may be a strong correlation, I don't think that can be classified strictly by gender or sex. It certainly doesn't apply in a black and white way to me personally.
Exactly. This is just total bs
2023 People trying to fight stereotypes but let’s be real man and woman is very different, I got called sexist just I said woman and man are different we have different physical and different experience in life
People called me fascist for saying something normal like that
@@azriel1668 Lala didn't say at all there are not differences. He/she just said that this certainly isn't true in this blatant way as it was stated here with such a crude way only supported by prehistorical fictions.
for me, i used to able to lock eyes with other people but after at school i made some enemies (this was when i was 20), i started to associate eye contact with assertion of dominance, and that really affected the amount of time i lock eyes with people, even with my mum, although the contact is held much longer
This woman is great. Watch more of her stuff.
Yea you are right.Didn't think a woman would be understanding my behaviour.
Really enjoyed listening to this person talk about this topic(s). Very calm voice, articulate, yet enlightening
I always felt my husband and I bonded the most on long drives or when working on a project.
Weird how men fall in love faster because they’re “ more visual” but have a harder time decorating. Or is it because they fall in love with just any decorations. Lol yet have an eye for vehicles. Oh life. Why have you blessed women with an eye for the home and not good quality men loll. Im jk everyone.
One of the funnier comments here. Good observational comedy ;)
Maybe men like beautiful things, but not all men know how to make things beautiful? Haha
Making things is about expression, men are suppressed in emotions. We like beauty, but we suppress beauty we want to express.
When she described the personality type that was more "prone to adultery," the characteristics spot on described me. But I am looking for that partner who can be adventurous with me and be my travel buddy, so when she followed up with that, it also hit close to home for me. That was wild.
So that is why sitting in the car while driving and my dad sitting next to me is the best place I get to talk to him....
I think this woman makes a genuine attempt to get at the truth. That's why I want to go down on her.
so let me get this straight. Cheaters can change but only if their respect for you far exceeds what is normal from them in a relationship or only if you are even more adventurous than they are?????? HUH....stay away from cheaters guys...they'll take all your money kids house and self respect
No cheaters are not a personality type. It's the same old fashioned thinking there's a deviancy gene. it's silly. I was in a relationship that was highly codependent and toxic and we both cheated at some point. Now, in my healthy relationship I would never hurt him, I'd rather cut my arm off. But back then with my ex, we hated each other and wanted to change the other person but couldn't leave because of low self esteem on both sides. Flirting and romantically fantasizing about someone else was, at least for me, the only source of loving communication. My ex hated my guts. But he loved me fighting for him. It was toxic, what can I say
Yeah, some are just douchebags and insecure. I think it's insecure people who cheat for validation. Some just don't have empathy for their partner or the person they're cheating with who also winds up hurt if they think they are in a real relationship (which is more of a serial cheater who doesn't feel bad about it).
I also think married men choose younger women because they are naive enough to think it's okay and that these people are staying together because of their kid, or whatever lies the guy tells them (now people say ENM, or something-make sure and meet their wife, otherwise, they're lying). Older women are smarter and don't waste our time with such nonsense. I wish I could tell things to my younger self to not waste my time. . . .and give myself more self esteem
I'm a man with autism. Eye contact use to be too intense, I'd *never* look into someone's eyes. In fantasies I'd have of someone, I'd cry picturing the eye contact during the deed as it was too intense.
I find it's tied to self worth. It's like looking into someone with all their flaws, but if you can't look yourself in the mirror knowing yourself, how could you possibly allow someone to see all of that? So clean up boys.
Could you explain some of the other symptoms of your autism? 9 times out of 10 I cry when making eye contact. Initially I am not crying because I am sad, but become legitimately sad because my crying is so awkward and forms a barrier for communication, understanding and connection. I am recently married and spend my entire existence hiding my ‘social anxiety’. Education and employment have been a living hell. Oddly I am more comfortable looking into the eyes of strangers than those who I am more familiar with. I find it most challenging to make eye contact with my immediate family members. But I exhibit no typical signs of autism, I am extremely empathetic.
So god is a bad person?
@@alejandrodelgado5829yes God is the most evil manifestation we have ever created
Boys, you've now got evidence that not looking your girl straight in the eye is normal, but that doesn't mean that you have license to avoid eye contact all of the time. Just like it makes you uncomfortable to maintain eye contact and have face to face conversations, it makes her uncomfortable to avoid eye contact and speak side by side, remember that this is a give and take. Sometimes you have to suffer discomfort for the comfort of those you love
That’s a nice message
I am a man and i do look woman in the eyes ,but when i talk to my father i never can and it feels awkward
Haaaaaaaa haaaaaaa Rand is nothing like his father now is he
I've never had a problem with looking people in the eye, much less my partner. On the contrary, I've known a lot of women who do not like to look at people in the eyes while they have a conversation. Certain men I don't like to stare at while I talk to them, if I'm too close. Not because I'm afraid of them, but because it is a little awkward. It's entirely different if you feel that the other man gets you and you get him and you're both on the same wavelength.
What a brilliant mind. I could listen to her all day!
Her statement that people can change as well as often do change is very good. Also, men are more likely to remarry after a divorce or if a partner has deserted them, according to Ms Fisher. I noticed that most guys will remarry within 3 - 4 years, while gals tend to stay single longer or for the rest of their life. Personally, I'm loving being single whereas the ex huzz hopped right into another marriage. Happy for him.
Hate to break it to you. Women tend not to, or at least, take a longer while to remarry simply because they can't.
Do I really need to expose you women? Looks, aesthetics, figure.
Come on.
Also, if their divorce payday is big enough, they dont bother re-marrying too.
"Loving being single?"
Give me a break.
Simple way to prove you wrong. A multi-millionaire is infatuated with you, for example.
We'll see about that "loving being single."
Dont make it sound like men are awful, not loyal, etc etc by being so easy about remarrying.
@@JohnSmith-nz2yq Did you get your psychology degree on sale at Walmart? So funny.
@@JohnSmith-nz2yq why are you so hurt? 😭
@@FreeSpirit47 enough psychological awareness to know that when a woman says, " I am happy for him," they actually arent. In fact, the opposite. Full of hate, anger, resentment, envy, etc.
Youre just proving it to be true the more you speak. Typical average girl you are. No big deal. Got you figured out easily.
@@JohnSmith-nz2yq damn chill bro
No chance I would ever trust a known adulterer. It takes a special kind of disgusting person to cheat. That shit doesnt go away.
Adultry is when someone is lacking the conscious of an adult. Prove me wrong. If a person can't consider the heart of a partner, then they are not are not mature enough to be in a relationship. Compassion for a cheater is displaced unless it's for their lack of emotional and spiritual maturity.
Im too lazy to write.But you are absolutely wrong.
I've been told all this time that it was due to misogamy. I hope you're right here. because that give me a great relief. I'm not Misogynistic but I've tried a lot to maintain eye contact (with my lady) whenever, where ever and now I understand why that is so hard.
What's interesting is how men don't really listen to women. Have you noticed that?
@@dr.jenniferma3914 hahaha 🤣 I’m you’re right they always feel like they’re always right
I always try to look everyone in the eye when I talk, man or woman.
Why do people like to fight with others? I hate fighting on every level about anything! It makes me very nervous.
You might have an insecure attachment style. Look into it
b/c knowing this will be very helpful.
literally agree
I can look at anybody in the eyes and I like people who can do the same. It's not weird to me, it just shows you are listening and giving your attention and considering and attentive and focus that's all. I don't really like when people are super nervous with eye contacts or ashamed of looking and stressed. Plus I read just as much things or more in peoples eyes and face and body than the words they use. My brain is highly sensitive to that and tempts to analyse a lot around anyway. It makes me understand the other person quicker and their true intentions etc. Love people that are sincere with sincere look, to me it is reassuring and shows confidence; and confidence and emotional intelligence is extremely valuable and important for me I think. It helps me connect too. But I don't have to do that all the time of course, on certain occasions and situations. Also men that would have generally more difficulty to look at people or me in the eyes at all to a certain point wouldn't appear attractive to me because they would look too nervous to me and I'm really not vibing with nervousness around me. The other day I met a guy he was able to have sincere eye contacts, he was very calm and confident and precautious and measured as well as being positive and it automatically clicked for me. You don't see a lot like those, so I was impressed and I felt like I connected more with his personality because of that despite not having the same first language, culture and generation. Some people tho they do look at other as more of a confrontational thing or a way to afirm themselve. But you can notice those things you can read it all, well me I can. I think it all comes down from what they learned and experienced in their environment and how other people communicated around them in terms of body/ face language and how the person feels and interpret a situation or an other person. I feel like the people who sees that as a treath (other than cultural) they may have a problem with their reflection sometimes or what they assume and interpret and some may have a problem with that because eyes can 100% show emotions, more emotions (which can come as vulnerability) and some people have a huge problem with emotions in our society. And some society, or "groups" worst than other.
i truly thought this video would be about like “why your boyfriend cant STAND the SIGHT of you anymore”
'Why Your Boyfriend Won't Look at You' - because it is harder to lie to someone when you are looking into their eyes
All I can say is, any man who can hit a moving Zebra with a Rock is a Husband material, probably be a baseball star someday :D
That man would like that Zebra to be cooked into a meal too. Ofcourse by his wife.
Being a man, I distrust and despise anyone who doesn't look me in the eye when we're talking, whether male or female. Especially when the subject is important. Until now I thought this was an eminently masculine trait, but it seems not.
Yes, looking directly in the eyes is aggressive for most people, not for me. I think it's the most natural thing and a sign of mutual respect. He who has nothing to hide has nothing to fear as they say in my country
I believe that depends on the atmosphere, if standing in a club where anything could go down at any moment men have their back to the wall or bar while looking around for potential threats even when speaking with women.
Depends on the culture. We see eye contact as a sign of aggression in the animal kingdom as well.
"Saudi Arabia for a vacation"?!
Well, I'll give that much to that person; they have a good dark sense of humor.
This actually helped me to not take it personally. I LOVEEE eye contact and would get offended if mfs would not look at me back. now I get it
I do
Yes guys tend to look away when talking about something important. I don't think it's because we're looking out for game or predators. It's because we are so visual. A woman's face up close is incredible distracting. I loose my train of thought.
Yes, I was thinking about the same thing. When talking about ideas, plans and especially abstract concept any face, but for me personally especially a beautiful man's face, is distracting really. But whilst talking specifically about personal feelings with someone for example I am much more inclined to look at the other's face much more as for that kind of imput of information facial expression is much more useful and relevant.
I do think though that your theory of it being due to being so visually oriented can coexist perfectly alongside Helen Fisher's theory though! They're certainly not mutually exclusive and in a different part Fisher also talked about men being so visual herself so I am curious to know if she wouldn't actually regard it as a great addition herself.
That’s why I like to be upfront from the beginning. I’m not getting accused of leading anyone on. No way, no how
the eye contact conflict was really confusing to me personally till i found this evolutionary reason
In todays version of we try to take what happens in a societiy and ascribe it to evoulution without even truly checking if it might be social construction
Like I also feel more compfortable looking ahead but bc of a bunch of reasons. At least some like lack of people doing it at diffrent stages in my life and dissapointment from that hitting pretty deep should apply to boys given social pressure created through immitating other men. Since you know humans immitate based on groups and roles.
I can get distracted by eye contact so I find it easier to concentrate on a conversation and express myself when I avert my gaze
I understand now why some men look at other girls like they see a zebra. Thank you.
hahaha..awesome
🤣
People don't make eye contact for a whole myriad of reasons. We are complex beings with different upbringings, outlooks and circumstances.
I didn't look people in the eyes for long for years. It was all because of past experiences that made me an untrusting person. I didn't really trust my fellow human beings at all. It had nothing to do with gender or evolution.
Just my two cents.
Thank you. I was getting really dismayed scrolling down the comments until I saw this. Somebody even mentioned that her explanations were "just so"-stories, before proceeding to state their own fantastical explanation. Statistics can be fascinating, but it's too easy to jump on the bandwagon and degenerate to dualist essentialism. "There are two types of people in this world" is obviously false without context, yet if said in different words from an authority figure, it can be extremely powerful.
@@Ohyehah underrated comment
I found the first half very touching. Thanks Helen :)
What a class woman.....
As your boyfriend, I can confirm this is why I won’t look at you.
It's almost shocking to hear a woman talk about men as if their emotions mater.
pussy
ContortionistIX
Interesting point.
+John Calvados no I find it fascinating.
+john calvert he's saying that women never do this.
everybody knows that mens emotions dont matter at least if you want to have a gf..
I would love an updated interview with her!
This explains a lot about my dad's poor eye contact lol
Looking at the thumbnail, I can tell she is an expert on the topic.
It's lust, not love, when men "fall" fast.
I’m sorry, but biological and sociological data say you’re misinformed. Men are actually more likely than women to fall in love at first sight, but both sexes do it, and in a good relationship one or the other probably knew almost immediately. It’s just human nature.
Nope. Obviously that’s not what she meant.
#GenuinelyCurious
wait, "men rely on women because is intimate"?
like, we put our lives in women's hands to the point of helplessness as the ultimate display of trust, therefore love?
have women been acknowledging this from men as love at all? was it something taken for granted or expected?
tbh it never occured to me that was a tenant of love, it makes total sense but really never occured to me. I guess I took myself for granted as well.
Oedipus pops to mind interestingly enough. like, do we want to be taken care for like a mother?
does it signal mothering instincts in women who'd've otherwise display none at all?
The comments are just as interesting as her talk :)
Damn! I came across this a bit too late in my life. Very interesting observations & information. Nice!
It's sad when in the beginning it was all about them looking at you, but once married, no longer.
I always love hearing Helen Fisher's perspective.
Love this channel. Thank you Big Think
10 yrs ago? Wow. still relevant for the day
In my relationship, I feel like I make more eye contact than my girlfriend when we discuss intimate topics.
Then she is probably trying to hide something from you.
I think her blanket statements are incorrect. Your comment proves that.
As a girl myself she could be rly shy and is afraid of eye contact, or shes lying or smth
She was just talking on a general level.everybody is different and there are always exceptions
@@TheKhaosDragon why would you assume that?
men are so visual but women are better at detecting colors.. this is what science says.. and science also says that while men are more visual, women are better at detecting sensory details. doesn't make much sense to me to be honest
if we dont look at you, we have complete trust in you, we expect no harm fom you.
you look in the direction there is a threat.
This woman is non biased, she is great!
I didn't look at some girls cause I didn't really like them as much as they liked me. And their deer in the headlights look creeped me out. It was easier not to look cause I was a bad liar. Other girls though, it was pleasant to lock eyes. Cause it was like something existential.
It amazes me that arguments for evolutionary psychology can be taken seriously today. She refers to the savannah in Africa at humanity's birth, completely neglecting that there are vast differences across cultures regarding the gender traits she talks about. Then there's the myth of "Man the Hunter". The binary nature of women=gatherers, men=hunters in ancient societies, is a view born out of conflating several facts. You can't observe direct facts about history by studying modern hunter-gatherer communities.
Women tend not to hunt when they're pregnant or are taking care of children, and employ slightly different strategies when they do hunt. This would be a rationally based decision, not tied to evolution. I find it perfectly plausible that gender roles are and have always been entirely cultural, with the consequences of the few biological differences there are, continually acting as a catalyst for these cultural trends, but never being the cause itself.
As more and more societies negate the needs for different strategies on a gender basis, these effects will disappear.
I found that many women (from a different side of CZcams) are looking and trying to find their “femininity” because they lost it due to the difference in gender roles in todays society and them having to use their “masculine” because they’ve never had that support from the opposite gender.
We should be looking at most cultures instead of pointing at the few that don’t follow the gender roles that we’re accustomed to.
Where did it come from? How did it come to be that women should be at home nurturing and protecting their children while the man leaves the house and works to maintain peace at home.
A women who is provided with all that’s necessary emotionally and financially thrives and can benefit society a lot with her raising the future.
When we lose that balance, not only do women not want children and loses the ability to nurture, but emotionally the child doesn’t get enough support from both sides because a nanny is raising him.
I could’ve completely missed the whole idea you commented, I don’t know if you’re saying that it’s a good thing that we’re changing or not, but I do believe that when we both follow our gender roles in a positive and loving manner we can truly as humans create and maintain peace within ourselves and our homes.
@@deenaccount8994 I agree but I don’t think it Has to be gender roles. Figuring out compatibility and deferring to each others strengths works really well, IMO.
It could easily be the man who likes cleaning and the woman who is the breadwinner… or both hate cleaning equally, perhaps one is more nurturing etc. And more often now people set aside the “gender roles“ and look at what needs to be done, what each person is good at, and what each person hates doing and find a strategy as a team.
I'd like to hear the differences between men and neurodivergent women, because I think I relate more to the men (how she describes this).
Being adventurous goes hand in hand with being a planner. You cannot get the most adventure out of a vacation if you are spontaneous. Spontaneous people end up being flakey and not doing things they say they will. A planner will have an itinerary and we get things done so we can relax on the actual vacation. I can't the myth of spontaneity being fun. It's not fun. It causes ,me anxiety. Planning is fun because you get to relax and have things to do without being bored. A lot of men don't realize that and miss out on fun relationships with women who they deem as "not spontaneous enough" when we actually want the same things. Adventure is what I want in life and I just want a reliable partner to do it with.
It does make sense that some men want to sit next to me at restaurants now (although they usually say because they can't hear). I am betting that if they see this, they will ONLY sit across from people so we don't think they like us 😂
Meanwhile my bf and I having dope conversation side by side all the time...xd i think it's a matter of character
THIS IS AMAZING! ❤❤❤❤❤❤
The title made me laugh. Very insightful!
I'm a woman, I can't sit across from someone even my partner in a resturant without feeling uncomfortable. I only like side by side sitting.
Yes, I'm a neurodivergent woman and I also have issues with direct eye contact and talking at the same time. She should do a video about autistic women, because that would be very different. I also disagree with her associating adventurous with spontaneity when I think they are opposites.
Wish I had seen this 10 Years ago.
1:37 - Great point
I talk exactly the way she describes women talking.
I think exactly the way she says men think. We'd be better to take anyone who specialises in "personalities" with a grain of salt. :^)
F**k. I thought it was something wrong with me for not being able to look a woman in the eyes while having difficult conversations. Don't know how much sh*t I have gotten from women for not having eye contact while they talk about something difficult. The more I learn about these things the more I understand that I am normal. Im just a man.
Direct longer eye contact between men is a conflict sign, It means conflict. It is less so between man-woman but if someone seeks direct eye contact and is not very positive otherwise I guess I whould see it as a conflict/challenge.
4:15 compare quantity of male scort vs female scort
3:15 - You can always use your hand and turn their faces to you. It's been done for Millions of years. Amazing, I know
I’m really not buying her biologically deterministic evolutionary psychology explanation for the eye contact bit. I think it’s nurture, not nature. But you also have to consider the individual, and I think this is much more important.
I like facing someone when being engaged with them, but I’ve always found eye contact a little uncomfortable, so I only make eye contact for short periods.
If you want your boyfriend to look at you more often while talking, just bring it up and ask him about it. It’s probably not because of his evolutionary past and more likely has to do with his unique personal preferences and feelings toward eye contact, and maybe the social circles and relationships he was raised with as a kid.
Yeah, not sure I buy some of this.
I'm going to shower you with attention and my awareness. I'm going to give you a lot of my time. I'm going to be in physical proximity to you. I'm going to touch you, hold you, cuddle you. I'm going to try to connect with you physically, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually. I'm going to take good care of you. I'm going to care about your needs. I'm going to help you to meet your needs. I'm going to help you to survive. I'm going to shelter you from excessive suffering, fear and trauma. I'm going to have your back. I'm going to defend you and be loyal to you. I'm going to take on your agenda as my own. I'm going to make you an extension of me. I'm going to treat you as well as i would treat myself. I'm going to be happy for you when you succeed. I'm going to want for you what you most want for yourself. I'm going to sacrifice for you and work on your behalf. I'm going to support you nurture you and encourage you. I'm going to cheerlead you. I'm going to encourage your self-exploration, self-expression and self-actualization. I'm going to respect your sovereignty as a consciousness. I'm not going to try to manipulate you, control you, dominate you or exploit you. I'm going to totally accept you and never judge you. I'm going to value you for your sake and appreciate you and see your intrinsic beauty. I'm not going to need anything from you and I'm not going to make you a tool to satisfy my own needs. I'm going to respect your point of view, wanting to understand your point of view, wanting to understand you, your uniqueness, taking the time to deeply get to know you. I'm not going to force my agenda or point of view on you. I'm going to listen to you and care about your interests and share similar interests with you. I'm going to develop togetherness with you and collaborate with you. I'm going to be there for you when you're down and hopeless. I'm going to be there for you when you're lonely. I'm going to validate your feelings, sharing your emotions with you, empathizing with you. Your pain is going to be my pain. I'm going to meet you where you're at, at your developmental level. I'm going to forgive you for your mistakes.
I'm going to be patient with you. I'm going to see the good in you even when you don't see the good in yourself. I'm going to be generous and kind. I'm going to give you verbal approval and praise. I'm going to compliment you on your uniqueness. I'm going to keep my promises to you. I'm going to keep my peace with you, avoid conflict with you. I'm going to tell the truth to you. You're going to be able to fully trust me and I'm never going to cash in on that trust. I'm going to see your realness, warts and shadow and all as you truly are. I'm going to deeply appreciate the finite portion of consciousness that you are and I'm going to accept your selfishness whenever you have the urge to be selfish. Now ask yourself on a scale of 0 to 10 how loved do you feel? Open Your Eyes. 😂🦘🦘🧨
wow wow wow just wow
Man when she described the explorer-guilty
why does it go from stereo audio to mono??
I prefer neither sitting next to nor in front of my partner facing him, but in a 90° angle. That way we feel close to each other but don't have to look each other in the eyes constantly. It creates a cozy atmosphere.
This sounds like a lot of Just So storytelling.
Men sit side-by-side to talk? No, we don't, unless there's a good reason like to get a good view of a screen or something. In a situation with a range of seating options, if my buddy decided to sit down beside me rather than across from me to have a chat, I'd find it very strange.
I know she is highly credentialed as a psychologist and researcher but I believe she shows bias when she says "...men will sit side by side looking straight ahead (not at each other) when talking and think of that as being intimate - I disagree - that would be an example of males avoiding any sense of intimacy while talking with other males. Intimacy avoidance is what happens when men interact closely (physically closely) with each other in order be certain that there can be no misinterpretation about their sexual feelings or lack thereof.
👏🏾 thanks!
As a transexual my family raised me as a woman but endlessly frustrated with me becuase I expressed myself differently. They couldn't emotionally connect with me like a girl and tried to make me feel ashamed for it. Now as a man it's normal for me to find sitting sidelong to be more intimate.
This is so interesting
I must be a man inside a woman's body, cause almost all the things you say about men apply to me. (And other things I read from other doctors/ scientists, etc. IE: Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, etc...)
i truly have always wondered this. scientists astound me