This was my entire life up until this year. I’ve completely held my boundaries and watched them all fall away. Something to consider speaking about: the grief associated with healthy….no one talks about that. Knowing you’re in a place of protecting your peace and healing….yet grieving over the loss of years, and all of the conditioning and unraveling needed to be even more healthy - honor it yes, but this grief just comes out of no where sometimes. I let it flow and process it, but it’s definitely something more people need to hear is normal. Thank you for all you do. Literally changed my life.
Good on you for speaking up for yourself! It isn't easy at all. I hear you on the grief associated with holding boundaries and the work to heal. I have felt lots of that too and also find it is rarely talked about. It makes sense to feel grief over the loss of the relationship you wanted. I've found it helpful to consider what it is that I am sad that I didn't get from those relationships and acknowledge that those are valid needs. So I've found other healthy ways to meet those for myself. Mostly, it has looked like giving myself those things and/or developing those qualities in myself, but I'm sure there could be all sorts of healthy ways to meet those unmet needs.
I'm so glad you're resonating with these videos amanda + can totally relate to the waves of grief that can seemingly come out of nowhere! Sending you so much love♥
As a teen, I played messenger between my divorced parents at times and I absolutely hated it. Took a lot of complaining about it for it to finally stop. No kid should ever have to deal with their own parents' divorce problems
Yes!!! 💯... this didn't happen in previous generations. My mom's family held us all hostage for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter every year. I don't even understand how we all tolerated it. My grandfather dying sucked, I cried for over a year... but... we all gained freedom from family crap. Generational curse broken
I still struggle with this sometimes. Usually, I end up being the messenger as a way of trying to help whoever is upset but it only makes things more stressful. The sibling with boundaries is goals.
My family gets a Grammy for triangulation. I never knew what this behavioral pattern was, but it was prevalent with my family, especially around the holidays. Using guilt, shame, manipulation and passive aggression was how we made mom “happy”. I’m so grateful my siblings and I choose healthier ways to communicate today, we are breaking old family patterns.
Whenever I tried to go no contact with my mom, she will make anyone and everyone tell me what a horrible daughter I am. If that doesn't work she will straight call the police to do a wellness check on me and tell them to get me to call her. Then recently I family member that I actually really cared about was passing, and all I wanted was the chance to talk to him a bit and say a proper goodbye. But I couldn't get the hospice number or name from anyone in my family and that I would have to ask my mom for it. I finally gave up and called her. She wouldn't give it to me and said she visits him everyday and I just needed to call her when she happened to be there to get a chance to say goodbye to him. So I called in the morning asking when she would be going to the hospice so I could talk to my Uncle. She would just act like she didn't hear me and start telling me about the places she wants me to take her on vacation. I don't think she actually went to see him at all. He passed in a very short period of time and I never got a chance. I am SO hurt and feel so guilty that I couldn't find another way to contact him. I simply just cannot talk to her again without feeling disgust and rage, but my entire family is just oblivious to why this should even upset me and just hurry up and get my mom that trip she's been wanting because "she needs a distraction". I'm considering just being done with the entire family at this point. I can't really see it ever getting better and I just don't know what to do. Sorry for the rant, still pretty raw.
Thank you for enlightening the world with your excellent education of actual real life examples of these behaviors and how to best handle them exposing this abusive behavior! Boy I wish I had these examples years ago!! Thanks y’all for all your hard work!! I hope you are successful y’all deserve it!❤
W🤯W! When you see it re-enacted 😳😧…this happens to me all the time! I hold my ground and my boundaries but sometimes I damn near have to cuss them out before they get it…🤦🏽♀️.
You go girl. I wish I would have been able to stand up for myself but it wasn't an option in an abusive household. I had to abide to survive and still struggle with the consequences
I am the spouse of someone who has boundaries. These types of calls/tests used to happen all the time. When my in-laws couldn’t manipulate my husband, they switched to me 🤦🏾♀️.
My favorite phrase now is, “you can feel however you want, mom. That’s not coming from me. “ My brother is the flying monkey as is every relative on both sides. So I stay away and tell them directly that the stories they’re told are lies. So, good luck with that. Believe what you want.
Gosh! Even as a child I bristled with anger whenever anyone came up to me to tell me that person A said this and that and they wanted to let me know. I would drop both of them.
This was my life until about 2 years ago. The pandemic really helped me create and maintain my boundaries. The hardest part is the first time. After that I’m free as a bird.
OMG ... One Christmas my husband (now ex) found his sister who he hadn't seen in years, so we invited her for Christmas dinner. When I told my mom, she had a FIT, huge crying and guilt trip. We agreed to all have dinner at moms house, even though it wasn't what we wanted. Christmas Eve I call mom to see when we should be over, and she casually says she didn't want to make dinner so we're all going to my aunt and uncle's place! 😳 Even though we couldn't find a turkey that late, we still should have stayed home...but we didn't. 🤷
That would be my grandmother and my father (her adopted son). I believe this situation is a nuture over nature. Sadly, I've done a few times my self. My grandmother was the Queen of Triangulation. She would use me as the go-between with my parents. Sometimes she'd call herself in anger. But most of the time if she called, it was for triangulation using me. My father would faux triangulate with me. He'd tell my mother that I wanted something, when I didn't but he did. Sometimes it'd actually work. He didn't do real triangulation because it drove him crazy as a kid. I guess it made him feel superior because of the way he did it. I learned from my father faux-triangulation. I only did it the opposite way that he did. I'd tell my mother something that I wanted to do was okay because Dad said it was. I've never done this with anybody else. I can fight my own battles but I'm also reasonable. Also, I quit being the middle man. I only saw her during holidays and few random times during the year. I lived less than an hour away but I could see her a few times because of her toxicity.
My whole life. I kinda wonder if my family's lack of communication skills were because I did this for every disagreement. I thought I was doing the right thing by being a "peacemaker". Now no one has the ability to directly communicate or work out a conflict in a healthy way. I've caught onto this & try to not get involved. You've got a problem with someone? Don't whine about it to me, expecting me to go to that person & "fix it". I can't blame myself, though, as no one taught me it was unhealthy. Instead everyone seemed happier for it which made me believe I was doing the right thing by "stopping" conflicts.
Oh wow that’s familiar 😮 didn’t know that you call it like that. I hold my boundaries though. I would like to know what it is why for example both parents gang up on you when one of them has an issue to discuss??? Or that some people have to look for support from others when speaking to you?? I once made the comment “ I never knew I’m that strong that you can’t handle the conversation alone with me”…. Total silence 🤷♀️ Thanks for the advice and awesome shirts to IU provide💖🙏🏻
I just wouldn’t go at all, if that’s how they’re gonna be 🙄 In fact, I haven’t done the holidays with my loser family in 17 years. I’d rather be alone, any day!!
This was totally my Dad with my Sister and me in adulthood. I tried to keep my distance as much as possible from my parents because I had so much resentment towards them from childhood. Rubbish upbringing. He would then moan to my Sister and she would give me the heads up that Dad was 'gunning for me' for not seeing my Mum in so long.
How do you call it when a mother is making sure nobody is talking to each other unless she is present? But then, only she is allowed to speak or have an opinion.
@@TheHolisticPsychologist you probably won't believe me since you're the professional here, but "advice" like this can be very harmful. i have been and still am harmed by lots of bad one-sided advice from psychologists that has made everything far worse. these are not real solutions.
So triangulation is the name of it. I have seen that happen. Is triangulation also when the perpatraitor tells one person something about another person to make them upset and fight with eachother? Because then the perpetraitor can pretend they had nothing to do with it aka pretending to be innocent and enjoying the other two people fight eachother. Is that also triangulation ??
Why the fuck do they have to be considerate of her feelings and she doesn't have to be considerate of her mom's desires? I would lost all types of consideration and respect from her if I were in her sister's place. My God.
Stuff like that is bound to happen as children grow up and branch out. Someone is seriously dating/engaged or newly married, and the age-old traditions and systems in _both_ families need a tune-up. So this would require talk- where are we spending 4th of July, Thanksgiving, and religious holidays if applicable? Who is hosting, who is attending, when... all that. And everyone/each side has to give a little to take a little. Is it easy? Not necessarily, but doable. Will there be a little sadness, and a kind of grieving the past? You bet, at least for some. -- This scene is just a surface problem...
Yeah we justs topped inviting them. Then, we're the bad guys for not inviting them. Why bother if they are just going to say no every year. Also, "Don't come to my house anymore." Okay fine, I didn't. Then she's like, "You don't even visit." Yeah so sick of the whiney crap and then people are like you are wrong for even asking, because when you do what they want they still whine.
how are you looking to deracialise and decolonise the mental health field? how can ethics within psychology and psychiatry address this and take accountability for decades of mental oppression that has been operating under the guise of caring about others? please address this, thank you
I'm not a psychologist but as someone in the medical field (not american though), I strongly advice not to generalize people's personal shortcomings and/or biases to their entire vocation.
These role playing videos really help me get a better understanding of the concepts you speak about. Thank you.
Yes it is so much easier to understand the concepts... I'm learning so much.. and I'm so grateful too🕊️
So glad you're finding them helpful! ❤
@@ravenraven966 So glad you agree Raven Raven! 🙌
This was my entire life up until this year. I’ve completely held my boundaries and watched them all fall away. Something to consider speaking about: the grief associated with healthy….no one talks about that. Knowing you’re in a place of protecting your peace and healing….yet grieving over the loss of years, and all of the conditioning and unraveling needed to be even more healthy - honor it yes, but this grief just comes out of no where sometimes. I let it flow and process it, but it’s definitely something more people need to hear is normal. Thank you for all you do. Literally changed my life.
Good on you for speaking up for yourself! It isn't easy at all. I hear you on the grief associated with holding boundaries and the work to heal. I have felt lots of that too and also find it is rarely talked about. It makes sense to feel grief over the loss of the relationship you wanted. I've found it helpful to consider what it is that I am sad that I didn't get from those relationships and acknowledge that those are valid needs. So I've found other healthy ways to meet those for myself. Mostly, it has looked like giving myself those things and/or developing those qualities in myself, but I'm sure there could be all sorts of healthy ways to meet those unmet needs.
I'm so glad you're resonating with these videos amanda + can totally relate to the waves of grief that can seemingly come out of nowhere! Sending you so much love♥
Really great advice Heather, I have found the same + continue to check in with myself sometimes even learning new ways to meet my different needs!
♥
As a teen, I played messenger between my divorced parents at times and I absolutely hated it. Took a lot of complaining about it for it to finally stop. No kid should ever have to deal with their own parents' divorce problems
😮💨 Family/ Relationships Are Sooo Exhausting Thank You For Teaching How To Cope, Handle, Deal, Navigate, Address, Prioritize Heal 💓
Yes!!! 💯... this didn't happen in previous generations. My mom's family held us all hostage for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter every year. I don't even understand how we all tolerated it. My grandfather dying sucked, I cried for over a year... but... we all gained freedom from family crap. Generational curse broken
So glad to hear you found some freedom + am celebrating your breaking of those generational curses! 🙌
You have no idea how helpful this examples are!! Practical advice that helps me understand exactly what is going on and how to handle it 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
Glad you're finding these practical examples helpful Brenda, thanks for tuning in! 🙌
I still struggle with this sometimes. Usually, I end up being the messenger as a way of trying to help whoever is upset but it only makes things more stressful. The sibling with boundaries is goals.
I agree Elena, it's so difficult to break out of those conditioned habits! ❤
My family gets a Grammy for triangulation. I never knew what this behavioral pattern was, but it was prevalent with my family, especially around the holidays. Using guilt, shame, manipulation and passive aggression was how we made mom “happy”.
I’m so grateful my siblings and I choose healthier ways to communicate today, we are breaking old family patterns.
It takes a lot of work and strength to break unhealthy patterns. 👏
Whenever I tried to go no contact with my mom, she will make anyone and everyone tell me what a horrible daughter I am. If that doesn't work she will straight call the police to do a wellness check on me and tell them to get me to call her. Then recently I family member that I actually really cared about was passing, and all I wanted was the chance to talk to him a bit and say a proper goodbye. But I couldn't get the hospice number or name from anyone in my family and that I would have to ask my mom for it. I finally gave up and called her. She wouldn't give it to me and said she visits him everyday and I just needed to call her when she happened to be there to get a chance to say goodbye to him. So I called in the morning asking when she would be going to the hospice so I could talk to my Uncle. She would just act like she didn't hear me and start telling me about the places she wants me to take her on vacation. I don't think she actually went to see him at all. He passed in a very short period of time and I never got a chance. I am SO hurt and feel so guilty that I couldn't find another way to contact him. I simply just cannot talk to her again without feeling disgust and rage, but my entire family is just oblivious to why this should even upset me and just hurry up and get my mom that trip she's been wanting because "she needs a distraction". I'm considering just being done with the entire family at this point. I can't really see it ever getting better and I just don't know what to do. Sorry for the rant, still pretty raw.
Thank you for enlightening the world with your excellent education of actual real life examples of these behaviors and how to best handle them exposing this abusive behavior!
Boy I wish I had these examples years ago!! Thanks y’all for all your hard work!! I hope you are successful y’all deserve it!❤
And then because she makes plans with her boyfriend mom complains about you've changed since being with him. He's controlling!
🤣❤
OH MY GOD. Literally dealing with this right now. Ma'am, you are a really great teacher. Thank you so much for this content!
W🤯W! When you see it re-enacted 😳😧…this happens to me all the time! I hold my ground and my boundaries but sometimes I damn near have to cuss them out before they get it…🤦🏽♀️.
Celebrating those times you've been able to hold your ground/boundaries knowing how incredible difficult it can be! 🙌
You go girl. I wish I would have been able to stand up for myself but it wasn't an option in an abusive household. I had to abide to survive and still struggle with the consequences
Triangulation is such a crappy energy. It's just so depleting. Feels so draining. All to appease the emotions of someone else.💜🇦🇺
Seriously, it takes a HUGE energetic toll!
Oh my God, I didn't know that was triangulation! My mother and sisters did that to me for years! Ugh
100% Mom!! Spot on! I love the humorous take on a very un-humorous dynamic!😂😆
I am the spouse of someone who has boundaries. These types of calls/tests used to happen all the time. When my in-laws couldn’t manipulate my husband, they switched to me 🤦🏾♀️.
My favorite phrase now is, “you can feel however you want, mom. That’s not coming from me. “
My brother is the flying monkey as is every relative on both sides. So I stay away and tell them directly that the stories they’re told are lies. So, good luck with that. Believe what you want.
Yep. Same here. My favourite stock phrase now is "If mum has a problem with me, she can tell me herself."
....Except she can't because I've blocked her. 😇
Hey Dr Nicole! I was wondering if you could do a video showing examples of the grey rock method. Would love your insight.
Gosh! Even as a child I bristled with anger whenever anyone came up to me to tell me that person A said this and that and they wanted to let me know. I would drop both of them.
This was my life until about 2 years ago. The pandemic really helped me create and maintain my boundaries. The hardest part is the first time. After that I’m free as a bird.
OMG ... One Christmas my husband (now ex) found his sister who he hadn't seen in years, so we invited her for Christmas dinner. When I told my mom, she had a FIT, huge crying and guilt trip. We agreed to all have dinner at moms house, even though it wasn't what we wanted. Christmas Eve I call mom to see when we should be over, and she casually says she didn't want to make dinner so we're all going to my aunt and uncle's place! 😳 Even though we couldn't find a turkey that late, we still should have stayed home...but we didn't. 🤷
and this is relates to triangulation how exactly...??
I think this is also called the flying monkey method.
the dismissieness at the end was the best part lol "whatever" lol
That would be my grandmother and my father (her adopted son). I believe this situation is a nuture over nature. Sadly, I've done a few times my self. My grandmother was the Queen of Triangulation. She would use me as the go-between with my parents. Sometimes she'd call herself in anger. But most of the time if she called, it was for triangulation using me. My father would faux triangulate with me. He'd tell my mother that I wanted something, when I didn't but he did. Sometimes it'd actually work. He didn't do real triangulation because it drove him crazy as a kid. I guess it made him feel superior because of the way he did it. I learned from my father faux-triangulation. I only did it the opposite way that he did. I'd tell my mother something that I wanted to do was okay because Dad said it was. I've never done this with anybody else. I can fight my own battles but I'm also reasonable. Also, I quit being the middle man. I only saw her during holidays and few random times during the year. I lived less than an hour away but I could see her a few times because of her toxicity.
I wish I could give more thumbs up. 👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍
Being triangulated right now as a result of setting clear boundaries.
Ty for these-I can send clients for these quick bits to help reinforce what we’re working on❤
My whole life. I kinda wonder if my family's lack of communication skills were because I did this for every disagreement. I thought I was doing the right thing by being a "peacemaker". Now no one has the ability to directly communicate or work out a conflict in a healthy way. I've caught onto this & try to not get involved. You've got a problem with someone? Don't whine about it to me, expecting me to go to that person & "fix it". I can't blame myself, though, as no one taught me it was unhealthy. Instead everyone seemed happier for it which made me believe I was doing the right thing by "stopping" conflicts.
JFC…. My mom literally pulled this on me last month. I went N/C a few months ago (again) and she had her teen granddaughter text my SIL. Dafuuuuuuq???
Oooooh triangulation. I’ve never had to deal with this but a few of my clients had to. This is a perfect depiction of it.
Fantastic!!!
Oh wow that’s familiar 😮 didn’t know that you call it like that. I hold my boundaries though. I would like to know what it is why for example both parents gang up on you when one of them has an issue to discuss??? Or that some people have to look for support from others when speaking to you?? I once made the comment “ I never knew I’m that strong that you can’t handle the conversation alone with me”…. Total silence 🤷♀️ Thanks for the advice and awesome shirts to IU provide💖🙏🏻
Great teaching
I just wouldn’t go at all, if that’s how they’re gonna be 🙄 In fact, I haven’t done the holidays with my loser family in 17 years. I’d rather be alone, any day!!
This is sooo good!!
This was totally my Dad with my Sister and me in adulthood. I tried to keep my distance as much as possible from my parents because I had so much resentment towards them from childhood. Rubbish upbringing. He would then moan to my Sister and she would give me the heads up that Dad was 'gunning for me' for not seeing my Mum in so long.
How do you call it when a mother is making sure nobody is talking to each other unless she is present? But then, only she is allowed to speak or have an opinion.
Dictatorship
There was also triangulation with "the holiday". Triangulation with labels is huge too.💜🇦🇺
big time!
@@TheHolisticPsychologist you probably won't believe me since you're the professional here, but "advice" like this can be very harmful. i have been and still am harmed by lots of bad one-sided advice from psychologists that has made everything far worse. these are not real solutions.
Omg! So this is what it looks like. Until recently I thought this was normal and healthy. Thank you for this.
Great example!! 😊
Exactly what happened to me on thanksgiving .
Wish to everyone to heal ❤
This has been huge part of my life. What do you suggest? I’m tired
Learn to set and uphold healthy boundaries.
Shit this still happens 😅
I didn’t know that my mom was triangulating because this was so difficult to understand. But the truth will find them out.
And it will set you free.
Boom! Textbook!
the triangulation sister totally reminds me of my sister
Nailed it ❤
I learnt something today 😶
I get so triggered by the blonde girl, well not by her per se but the guilt tripping. Agh! 😂
If mom is upset, those are her emotions to deal with. Other people's emotions are their responsibility, not ours.
I'm just gonna copy this link to this video.... Then when one of my mum's flying monkeys come at me, I'll text this back. THANK YOU
!!! ❤❤❤
I’ve done this to me brother 😭many times
Talk to him about it if it makes you feel bad. There's nothing wrong with growing awareness.
My family + myself have done this often! ❤
So triangulation is the name of it. I have seen that happen.
Is triangulation also when the perpatraitor tells one person something about another person to make them upset and fight with eachother?
Because then the perpetraitor can pretend they had nothing to do with it aka pretending to be innocent and enjoying the other two people fight eachother.
Is that also triangulation ??
Sounds more like a form of narcissistic abuse. I'm fairly sure that there's a different term for that. Refusing to play that game is the only way out.
Perfect ending
❤️☀️🌙
I hear you but nah. Leave me out of this. Y'all get together and iron this out.
Why the fuck do they have to be considerate of her feelings and she doesn't have to be considerate of her mom's desires? I would lost all types of consideration and respect from her if I were in her sister's place. My God.
Stuff like that is bound to happen as children grow up and branch out. Someone is seriously dating/engaged or newly married, and the age-old traditions and systems in _both_ families need a tune-up. So this would require talk- where are we spending 4th of July, Thanksgiving, and religious holidays if applicable? Who is hosting, who is attending, when... all that. And everyone/each side has to give a little to take a little. Is it easy? Not necessarily, but doable. Will there be a little sadness, and a kind of grieving the past? You bet, at least for some. -- This scene is just a surface problem...
@@thekingsdaughter4233 Well I would push my sister away after something like that and you bet I will call it boundaries.
Is this bad ? Always. Transparency
Divorced parents w shared custody can really make holidays, birthdays etc a tradition of pure hell.
This looked and sounded very very unhealthy to me.
Yeah we justs topped inviting them. Then, we're the bad guys for not inviting them. Why bother if they are just going to say no every year. Also, "Don't come to my house anymore." Okay fine, I didn't. Then she's like, "You don't even visit." Yeah so sick of the whiney crap and then people are like you are wrong for even asking, because when you do what they want they still whine.
Oh great now it’s on big sis. It’s important to care about how your mom feels and to make memories every year.
how are you looking to deracialise and decolonise the mental health field? how can ethics within psychology and psychiatry address this and take accountability for decades of mental oppression that has been operating under the guise of caring about others? please address this, thank you
I'm not a psychologist but as someone in the medical field (not american though), I strongly advice not to generalize people's personal shortcomings and/or biases to their entire vocation.