Why Florida Is America’s Scrotum - Patton Oswalt
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- čas přidán 13. 01. 2019
- Patton Oswalt explains which state is really “America’s dick” and witnesses a “straight hate crime” in Miami. (Contains strong language.)
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Locals in most states- hey! don't talk about my state like that!!!
Floridians- wow, he actually put it into words. he really GETS Florida
See my comment above,
chevin0 xddd
Can't try that with Texas lol
This is also true about Missouri
Most locals in FL think it's utopic. It's why they don't leave their county.
Florida, the only state in our union where the more North you go, the more South it gets.
Ghost LBC dead on! Great point. Underrated
That's because most people living in south Florida are old New Yorkers
@@AmorphisBob I mostly mean places like Jacksonville or Gainesville. Not Miami or Hollywood.
That's some truth right there. I live in Jacksonville, but originally from North New Jersey. I actually love it here, but it really is just South Georgia.
Ha so true.
Someone said Florida was one big grand theft auto server. I live here, it's true.
Noles Football Fan u not lying 😭
Yep! Ive driven all over and never seen so many people cut over 3 lanes to get in front of you while you're turning already and they look at you like youre the asshole
Lot of poor people
Ha yeah right. My mom has a relative who lives in Florida and sometimes flies up to visit. If Florida is just a GTA server, wouldn't the plane just fall apart as soon as it left the borders of Florida?
FSU FBBB Fan xd
Florida- If Walmart was a State.
I'd take it down a notch to K-Mart.
@@abbycross90210 I haven't been in K-mart in years
😂😂
@Beef 99 Target is considered higher up the chain than Walmart. that's why there aren't Targets in low-income and/or rural areas, bur there's always a Walmart.
@Beef 99 that's true, because people with money don't actually buy those things there. They only buy them at Target if there's an emergency.
Jeez Florida is such a joke that all Patton had to do was say "Florida..." and the crowd erupts into laughter
Don't be jealous. You might be able to live here one day.
@@AndJusticeForMe And if that alleged day should ever come, Florida will be under water.
@@Marchant2 How so?
Worlds largest trailer park
@@Marchant2
LMAO. Now that was funny as hell!
The fact that Patton's mere mention of "Florida" elicited immediate laugher tells you all you need to know, and I'm from Kentucky.
And he’s from Portsmouth, Virginia!
I can guarantee you have never been to Florida. Oswalt is a douch.
As an inhabitant of Florida for the entire 26 years of my life, I'm inclined to agree.
We're all assholes because WE LIVE IN FLORIDA. It's a never-ending cycle of heat and hate.
LOLZ. Lived there for almost 8 amazing years! Loved every red neck, back ass, moron I met! Owned a business in Lakeland, in the ghetto area. Even enjoyed how crazy that was! Florida requires a GIANT sense of humor! It is truly an amazing state. However, it's not for everyone. (Despite everyone trying to go there).
@@Curious_Skeptic Only people moving there, well you said it yourself. Because, their not getting that kind of crazy, where they are from. I'm sure, the states, that don't have that kind of crazy, have taken up a collection, to buy them people, one way tickets. Now, look what's invading Florida.
I've lived in Florida since I was 3 and I'm 20 now and all of this is quite painfully true. Someone save me.
Wow! 20?! We bet Patton would be very surprised you’ve survived this long.
You can go to oxnard
Trust me, I'm surprised I survived this long too!
@IAmaPersion no, they have problems. They just don't always know it.
IAmaPersion if that’s true, why can’t you guys figure out ballots!?
Florida: it's the few rotten million that spoils things for the other 11 people.
I laughed at this for longer than I care to admit
PattonOswalt is disgusting ..and stupid ...and corrosive to the minds of his audience.
Surprised there's any market for stupid "gross-out" "comedians" ...it's unprofessional.
@@ProNorden
there is a funny comment in there but the 11 thing fucked it up
I live in Florida from Indiana.. I concur! 😂😂
After living in Florida for 30 years, after moving to Virginia I'm still confused with how nice people can be, just in general, complete strangers.
I live in NW Florida, and people are really nice here. I didn't like South Florida though.
I've been in Florida for almost 30 years and I'm finally taking the plunge and moving up North in a few months. I can honestly say that I will not miss this place at all.
You will when you get up there.
@@SouthernSkeptic Eh, opinions 'n shit.
Lol, there's a reason almost nobody moves up North.
And you're going to find out why. Good luck to you.
My pastor talked about Oswalt in his sermon Sunday. Oswalt helped a man on Twitter who trashed him. Oswalt saw that the guy had health issues and not only started a go fund me for the guy but donated a good chunk of money.
The topic of the sermon was in loving those who dont love us...and my pastor said that we should use what Patton Oswalt did as an example of what we should as Christians do.
Well done Patton Oswalt
thank you for sharing. well done.
Having lived in Florida for 30 years I can easily say... he's being far too nice. Besides there is no Florida, it's Southern Georgia, Theme Park Land, and North Cuba.
I lived in Florida for 3 years, this man speaks scientific fact. He left out the rampant racism and economic disparity though.
Then why is Florida the fastest growing state if it's so bad?
@@landonic81 Florida among the top 3 states with the most income inequality. Florida is one of three states in the nation with the biggest income gap between the very rich and everyone else. It is an amazing state if you are rich and hang out for the winter.
@@landonic81 I lived in Sarasota from 2005 to 2008 right up to the financial crisis. I made 70k a year and could only afford to live on the poor side of town near the airport. Which just so happened to be the where the majority of the people of color lived. Guess what?> The racism was blatant and income inequality was obvious back them. The schools, parks, DMV etc were a mess on my side of town. My boss who lived in a gated community where the rich lived? His son's high school looked like something out of a movie where students drove luxury cars and had top level facilities. The people of color hated whites and the whites hated the colored and I experienced it first hand being white in the colored part of town. Florida is like the canary in the coal mine for where America is heading (if not already there). There is no Middle Class ,the uber rich will continue to lock themselves away from the masses in gated communities while the rest of us fight for scraps.
@@HArryvajonas Holy cow you are a miserable person. If Florida is that bad then why do so many people keep moving here? You sound like a total loser in life and want to blame evil rich people for your problems. Get fucked
You ask the man a question and he answered you and you then insulted him for it. You sir are a FUCKING TURD!
Having sucked at geography as a kid, this bit actually made me look up a map of the United States and remember where Maine and Florida are. Had I been taught like this in social studies, I probably would've done better. Thanks, Patton.
"So YOU CAN SEE THE MEAT DISPLAY-YUH!"
UltimateOmegaRed xd
Patton’s delivery is legendary
Anything strange on the news always ends up being from Florida.
way2sh0rt07grad and if you don’t know why the main reason that is, I understand why you would think that those weird things only happen in Florida.
Or Ohio. There's a bit on the local radio station. They read read a story about fucked up people and ask Ohio or Florida.
IAmaPersion triggered? You don’t see anything because down there it’s just news
www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=m.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3DUD9LEPML8uk&ved=2ahUKEwjFp-_O9_DfAhWjSt8KHSJxBvsQjjgwAnoECAIQAQ&usg=AOvVaw3UDuDQ8pzf88R5T4lxOfVk
It was supposed to be funny but you felt you had to get defensive about it. I’ve lived in Florida and know it’s nice. Also I don’t follow in a herd
Come on vacation leave on probation come back on violation. Florida.
I literally went on vacation and came back on probation. Marijuana.
@@26michaeluk 4 real?
I'm so glad I DIDN'T move there.
@@khunigan 100% truth. I'm still not aloud in Daytona beach and that was in 2002. It happened on spring break my senior year of high school.
Jason Hobb o
I've lived all over Florida more than 40 years and have always referred to it as a "sweaty armpit" because of the heat and the weird smells. Which now that I think of it is probably due to the rotting corpses in the woods that haven't been discovered yet.....ugh!
At least one of those weird smells is the paper mills in Panama City. I have an aunt down there that we visited on vacation about 24 years ago and that city stinks so badly because of paper mills. I have not been back since, and never will go again. Maybe it's better now, but no one will ever convince me to give it a second sniff.
Its BALL sweat yr smelling.
R oh
I've lived in Maine most of my life and in Florida for a few years. I can confirm all of this.
As someone born and raised Florida, we genuinely trauma bonded and connected over the complete unhinged energy of our state
Patton's right. Florida is the worst mistake I ever made after marrying my first wife. I've lived here for the past 18 years and I have never wanted to move away so badly in my life. Where I live is all old people now. They are all either senile, pathologically insane or from New York. My daughter is the reason I stay, and she graduates high school in four and a half years. I wanna move back out west so badly... there is nothing for me here.
I agree. Ido live in New York but not the city from Hades. I live in western farm country and it is better there. Florida is definitely worse than western New York by one hundred country miles.
It's all true. Florida sucks. Everyone talks about the weather but lets be real. It's not all it's cracked up to be. You can't talk about Florida weather without mentioning hurricanes. And tornadoes. And hurricanes with tornadoes. That is actually the least of you weather related worries. I bet you didn't know Florida is the lightning strike capital of the US. It's true. But the real weather issue is heat stroke. It's hotter than Hades and the humidity makes you feel like you just got out of the ocean as soon as you walk out the door of your A/C'ed condo.
Oh, speaking of the ocean, be very careful because, you know, sharks. Also watch out for barracudas, lionfish, jellyfish and Portuguese man-o-war. They all suck too. But hey, you don't need the ocean, we've got thousands of lakes to swim in. Of course, you'll need to watch out for the alligators, they're everywhere. If you manage to dodge the gators, we still have that flesh eating bacteria to worry about (but that hardly ever kills you, you just lose big chunks of muscle). While you're at the lake, watch out near the shore. Water moccasins like to hang out there. The other poisonous snakes we have don't usually hang around the water but rattlesnakes will swim if the need to.
Speaking of things that kill you, make sure you've doused yourself with mosquito repellent. We wouldn't want you to catch dengue, encephalitis, zika, west Nile or any of those other myriad of tropical, mosquito-borne diseases. Another thing you might not want to do is stick your fingers in places that have recesses and the like. Black widow and brown recluse spiders love those. Let me tell you, nothing will ruin your day like getting bit by one of those little bastards.
While our native wildlife and natural weather phenomenon will do their best to end your time on this planet, what you've really got to watch out for is all the invasive species. Every goober, chucklehead, drunk, addict, and wannabe gangster from places like NY, Jersey, and Ohio come here to set up shop. They'll swindle you, or rob you, or just kill you because they've got nothing better to do on a Tuesday night.
So, yes, all in all, Florida sucks. Tell all your friends.
Roger McCaslin Very well written! It’s almost as bad as Australia!
and you didn't even mention the sinkholes!
LOL!
I guess Roger McCaslin can't wash all the sand out of his Vagina!
@@jessegaronband
Oh damn, sick burn bruh. Seriously, I come up with a finely crafted bit of sarcasm and the best you can do is an old recycled high school insult. Be a little more creative. I'll respect you. The internet will respect you. Girls will want you.
As a life long resident of Florida, I can confirm this......sadly.....sort of.
Give me a break, i live here not as bad as he says.
One, learn to recognize humor. Two lol Florida is a bit of a low hanging ball sack. Don't get me wrong I love it here. But it's more I the love a fifty year old woman has for her husbands dangly balls, they're not pretty but they're hers, and still have a little bit of a use.
David Craig lol, it's part of the skit.
Catherine oh
@@Catherine-yg3xz This comment from a year ago deserves all the thumbs up! If this were reddit, I'd put a prize on your post 🤣 You're HILARIOUS!
It's just breathtaking how much more relevant this bit becomes every yea--mon--37 minutes.
I’m from Florida. I love FL, but he ain’t wrong
It's really great to see Patton out there again after the tragic loss of his beloved wife.
I hope he's doing well.
Yea his wife died in April 2016 😔
He has remarried though in November 2017
so lovely to see such compassionate comments, I was thinking the same about him
The rest of the world looks at America the same way America looks at Florida
Ouch. TRUTH 😢😂😭
That sounds about right
God, I freaking love Patton Oswalt.
Florida State Flag:
Coroner + Sheet
Two Parents (inconsolable)
Flamingo with Sunglasses (thumbs up)
“quare illa fecit vade in dolor”
Thank you for this
I refuse to believe that's actually what that means in Latin.
It’s close
Why did she go to the consumer
I own a trucking company. I won't accept a job from a Florida-based shipper or broker. 100% chance it's a scam.
Elegant Elliot Offen would agree with that assessment.
I am Floridian, and I can confirm this as 100% true. You forgot about a random dude proudly pissing on the street corner in public though.
Being from Florida (the area Patton doesn't mention) all he says is true.
I'm guilty of it. Wearing short shorts and tank tops.
But if someone compliments my ass, be it from a gay guy or not, I'm taking that compliment!
So true. Lived here for 48 years. Welcome to Florida. Be sure to bring your dental records. Longing to see something pretty too.
As a born and raised Florida woman this shit makes me laugh 😂 Florida is an entity of its own. We’re all crazy here even the normies
Freaks in other states are more normal than FL normies.
Moving down from northern NY in a couple weeks and I'm hoping for this exactly!! 😂
@@pault6347 Don't worry. The one's, that got their pilots licenses, will kinda, flya down there. Good luck.
“So you can seeee the meat display!” Definitely a song.
"Did I just witness a straight hate crime?" LOL That's awesome!
Now THAT"S the way to do a successful stand-up delivery, five stars. We're talking master class territory here, ladies.
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
I was born and raised in Florida and this guy is so correct. No sense of community in Florida.
Because everyone comes from everywhere else and when you get away from the metropolitan areas you will find more of a sense of community
That's a society problem and states like NY or CA are far worse.
"Florida is a wonderful place to live! Come see our-"
*Someone send help please there's a flamingo with a gun in the other room and ohshithe's-*
"Florida is a wonderful place to live! Come and see our beautiful marshes where flamingos and gators are definitly not trying to overthrow humanity. Can't wait to see ya!"
Florida is basically the hungover and sunburnt California
Except for sunburn and the hangover. Visitors get burned the locals wear long sleeves in the summer. The burnt drunks are visiting.
No that's mexico
I lived in both and Florida is nothing like California.
@@yodaddyhoe4057 Mexico is beautiful
...no. if anything, California is the pretentious, high-and-mighty cousin of Florida. Completely different in every way possible but still horrible in every single way.
Thank you Oswalt for keeping comedy alive !!!! 😂😂😂😂
" . . . so you can see THE MEAT DIS-PLAY!" I almost spat out my coffee on that line.
I was in Florida for a couple of years. I wanted to get out of there almost the whole time but could never find a job that would pay enough to save enough to afford to leave. I called it "being stranded on a peninsula."
In Florida there are two classes. The very wealthy, and the people who are broke because they are constantly being exploited by the very wealthy.
Florida is a right to work state. Tourism is the main source of revenue. 💲. Thus, hourly workers-service industry are the largest portion of tax payers, earners. 👎. Bad hurricanes 🌀⚡⛈ rock the state constantly. Terror attacks & spree shooters are common problems too.
@@DavidLLambertmobile that's a bunch of bs. Hurricanes are not as common as you think. Terror attacks? Seems you're over exaggerating. It's a very diverse and populated state.
Well, really a big part of the problem is that everyone in Florida is actually from New York or New Jersey and every winter we also get saddled with half the population of Canada.
Its not Canadians throwing alligators through fast food windows.
Matthew Arnold If you want to attribute that kind of swamp trash behavior solely to Florida, I’d like to point out Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama and Arkansas
Matthew Arnold 😂😂😂😂
No, a big part of the problem is that every loser from New York and New Jersey goes to Florida. If you’re doing alright, there is no reason to leave the North. But hey, I’m happy. Florida can keep ‘em. Jersey is a better place for it.
Really depends on which part of Florida you live in.
No one ever has been more right about anything ever. Florida sucks
I'm blown away at how perfect Patton described Bangor, Maine's nightlife when he said we were the US' stubby
Look, we wrote Florida off years ago. Its worse than the Beverly Hillbilly's on a bath salts trip. People in Arkansas make fun of Florida.
lol true
People in Florida and everywhere else make fun of Arkansas lol
Yeah, but Arkansas doesn't make the Headline news every day like Florida does. People in Florida have tried to eat other people they were so high. Florida needs to go!
@its jrs041 Florida has 7x the population Arkansas, so just statistically your far more likely to hear FL stories (it’s the 3rd biggest state)
Also, they have the “Sunshine Law” which gives journalists access to more criminal records than other states would, so they don’t get easily buried.
In reality, crazy shit happens everywhere at a similar rate
The state flag of Florida should be a white Coroner's sheet covering the dead body of a young girl with her parents in the background crying and saying, "we should have never allowed her to go to Florida". And behind that stands a hillbilly holding an AK-47 with one hand while feeding his alligator cocaine and bath salts with the other hand. And a big picture of Satan looking over everything with open arms saying, "Florida welcomes you".
I'm so used to the craziness that I never knew for a while people viewed Florida this way. Upon further thought, yeah it's crazy down here.
This is the most truthful description of FL I have ever heard!
Omg I love this bit. Kills me everytime I hear it. Hadn't in a while. Thanks CZcams algorithms for throwing it up. Patton Oswalt is one of my favorite comedians.
Saw this in recommendations, I'm from Florida, the title grabbed my attention, I agree whole-heartedly.
Agree with made up stuff?
People trying to defend Florida. Haha. Just stop.
Well.... at least Florida has people defending it. Who the fuck is going to defend Maine outside of Stephen King?
My defense of Florida is that I moved here from Louisiana. It isn't my first choice of state, but it's a hell of a lot better than Louisiana.
I was born in florida but go on i would love to see what is so great about new york go on I'll wait.
I've live here all my life and while Patton may be a bit short sighted on just how much suck is here, he is right where he is right.
@@shadowprince4482 Maybe they thought you were the douche bag
"The only reason to visit Florida is to identify your daugther's dead body." I lost it.
I went there for 3 weeks and I was over it. It was ridiculous.. 80% humidity 80% outside & people love it. I heard it being described as America's armpit and yes
this continues to age like a fine wine
After my Christmas trip to Florida to visit family last year, I can confirm three things:
1. They have great fruit markets.
2. Every driver on the road wants to meet Satan personally and take as many people with them as possible.
3. Cuban Christmas is the s**t.
Florida is like a real life Outworld from Mortal Kombat.
This is one of my favorite stand-up bits ever.
Ladies and Gentlemen: Remy from Ratatouille
And Happy from Happy
Corey Zamora ooo
You mean Max from Secret life of pets 2
Luuk Muller that too 😂
I got recommended this after watching a news story involving Governor Ron DeSantis. I don't know what to say.
I live in Florida!!!!! This was hilarious
Holy shit, funniest thing I've seen in a while. I laughed out loud more than once!
His jokes start off slow but when he gets to the punchline they're dark, twisted and funny as hell!
It's the sunshine state where you don't seriously complain about how hot it get's if you live there. " Well if you can't stand the heat.........well...stay out of my pool."
True story. This came up on my CZcams recommend list right after "The noise made by wild hippos can be deafening. "
Truer words have never been spoken.
Hahaha 😂 happy to see whenever Patton kills it 🤘
"A Florida man..." is my favorite stereotype.
How does Florida even function?😂
we find a way
Drugs, we have more drugs than anyone else and your grandparents money.
They have the fountain of youth
Fraud, drugs, and everyone slaving away to become a manage because that's the only non degree Job that'll pay 40k a year. Lol 100% Floridian here
@IAmaPersion the natives disagree.
I have lived in SE FL for 25 years. He speaks the truth!
Lived in West Palm Beach as a kid, first act of violence I ever saw in my life was a guy leaning into a car window trying to punch the driver and the driver trying to run over the guy and several other people. We moved back to NY a few months later and my aunt and her kids got robbed in their own house at gunpoint days after we moved.
And they lived in a nice neighborhood.
I love coming back to this and watch all the Floridians losing their mind over this in the comment section
Damn, this is a Dark Dank Dickensian masterpiece! 😂🇬🇧
2:33 Patton raises his arm twice when he says “ a coroner holding up a sheet”. Once from behind and then again from the front.
It’s a unique combination of heat, humidity and ignorance!
I will never return to Florida.
Thank God... Wish every yankee though like you... Then things would get back to normal.
Been in FL for two years and he is absolutely spot on. Hell, even came to see Oswalt when he was here. Can confirm - he had actually been all over Florida, just as he said. Counting the days till I can get out, fingers crossed, maybe April.
You can leave whenever
me myself - Is this an offer to subsidise my travel expenses and new living arrangements? Otherwise, it’s not how things work.
@@SinOfAugustwrong. that's not how you want things to work. You can leave whenever you want. What you do once gone, who cares. I doubt you were forced to come here in the first place.
me myself - Either you never had to pay for moving, or you will end up living under the bridge at some point. Also possible, you are just talking out of your rear because you are mad. But don’t you fret none, I assure you I am not planning to stay.
@@SinOfAugustit's neither. It's fun to antagonize people in the youtube comments section. You can move anywhere you want. It might not be what you want to do. That doesn't mean you can't. I've paid for a few moves in my life. I currently live in my 3rd owned home. You choose to live in Florida. Whether it be because you like your current income or lifestyle, you choose. You can leave whenever. Mad? At random postings on the internet. Yes let me tell you anonymous internet text, I am just furious that you disagree with my position. Grrr…. lol
Florida: Arm yourselves immediately. This is not a test.
As a Miami resident for 11 years, and can say that his observations about Florida and Miami are tooooooo accurate.
As a Florida resident, I always considered Florida to be the cesspool of humanity.
I thought Florida looks more like a gun.
Maybe you should go away then. We'll survive.
How does a genius like Patton never land his own show?
He doesn't need to really, he's basically like that friend who everyone likes and invites to all the parties.
Grew up in Florida, now I live in Utah. Major improvement
Proud Floridian and Love Patton.
A straight hate crime? Like a strate crime?
I moved from being born and raised in Daytona Beach to Westminster MA for a year and it honestly felt like everyone was from the future
JosephBolognaTheThird Why? Because everyone actually knows how to read?
I love Patton Oswalt character in King of Queen's
Unless you've lived there any length of time, that Flamingo in sunglasses saying "Yeeeaahhh" remark may not be understood.
It's a Florida Lottery commercial.
"Identify your dead daughter"...was the most cutting edge remark I have ever heard.
This is all very true, especially when it comes to North Florida i.e. Jacksonville. I call it “jackassinville.” People here are so rude, entitled and ass backwards. I’m planning to move out of here in the next couple months, and I will never, ever look back.
Funny. Most of the people in Florida are not from Florida.
As a person from Florida, a lot of things are beginning to make sense. . .
One of the best bits ever
Florida is a sunny place for shady people
I f*kn love Florida
Spoken like a true Floridian. It’s all yours!
@@Deribinkle thanks
5:03 His expression clearly says "Okay hang on, gimme a second. I'm gonna have to process that one."
It's the humidity. Everyone's patience is on edge.
I love Patton! This is a joke, but it’s so true though.
If you are not crazy before moving to Florida you will be after living there. You will have to fight to hold on to common sense and your values.
Art T
This is true. Moved from Colorado few years ago and im planning to move back.
I think this was recorded in Orlando around 2012. Remember seeing him at the Hard Rock.
I’ve lived here for two years and I’ve never seen so many cars with faulty turn signals.
Why would they need turn signals that don't even obey traffic signals.