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The Reality of Growing Up with PURITY CULTURE in a Sex-Obsessed World
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- čas přidán 14. 08. 2024
- Purity culture seems innocent and shiny on the outside, but when you look closer, understanding there are two sides to every coin, it gets dark and dangerous. Kendra and I take an honest look at the intentions of purity culture and how it often backfires and creates more issues including abuse and self hatred.
Episodes with the Ex- Mormon Sex Therapist:
LDS Sex Therapist Ousted for Views on Masturbation ft. Natasha Helfer • LDS Sex Therapist Oust...
Mormon Sex Therapist's Reaction to Daily P*rn Use Ft. Natasha Helfer
• Mormon Sex Therapist's...
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00:00:00 Intro
00:02:41 Find and follow Kendra!
00:03:50 What is "purity culture"? Kendra's experience
00:07:55 "Stumbling blocks" and Culottes instead of pants
00:09:51 Shelise's "shame shirt" stories
00:16:43 Government programs for "abstinence only" education
00:18:02 Purity balls.....it's a real thing....
00:21:04 TW: SA- It's demeaning to label a woman as "pure"
00:27:26 Was Kendra taught about menstruation or her anatomy?
00:31:01 Making educated, informed, non-coerced decisions about your sexual choices
00:34:26 Actual data- Does purity culture work?
00:36:54 TW: SA
00:39:54 Purity culture is harmful to the LGBTQ+ community
00:41:17 TW: r*pe-Teen pregnancies are higher in states with abstinence only education
00:50:39 Repression causes more desire
00:51:36 Teaching nuanced consent is SO IMPORTANT
00:55:30 Advice from an Ex Mormon certified Sex Therapist on P*rn
00:58:50 Does purity culture and abstinence only ACTUALLY protect women?
01:06:48 Linda, listen
Theme Song Produced and Composed by Christian Guevara
*Disclaimer: Thanks for joining us at Cults to Consciousness. This storytelling podcast is meant to be for entertainment purposes only and does not substitute for medical advice. We may discuss triggering topics and we ask that you make your personal mental health a priority. Lastly, the opinions of our guests do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the host.*
2 Things: My husband was a police office who trained women's safety classes. The ways that purity culture teaches girls to keep their eyes down, to be quiet and to have a 'modest' posture is EXACTLY what a rapist / predator is looking for in a victim. They aren't protecting their daughters, they are turning them into the perfect victim.
Also, I'd be interested in having input from Muslim women on this topic - or any women from a culture where 'honor killings' are accepted.
It’s ridiculous that women are in any way responsible for male’s sexual aggression. Despicable.
Ridiculous men are not wild animals. If they can't control themselves around wet hair you are not fit to be free in society
👏
You guys LITERALLY weaponize the word “virgin” and “incel” the fuck…???
Well women do give birth to men
And the Supreme court isn't helping either.
I was SA'd by a stranger when I was 20, I didn't report it because I was drunk and overweight and thought no one would believe me. To this day I feel guilt over whether or not that person has hurt other women because I was afraid. The stigma and mental load society expects women to endure and carry is too much.
I’m so sorry you experienced that. I hope you give yourself grace in knowing you did the best you could at the time. And that’s all we can do. ❤️
Don’t be too hard on yourself. I was SA when I was 14 and I didn’t report it because I couldn’t stand the thought of having to testify about it. It was too embarrassing. The guy went on to assault three more women that I know of, and I found out there was one before me.
He finally went to prison after he kidnapped an ex girlfriend, beat and SA her, and left her in a field. I always wonder if I could have stopped it from getting to that point, but I can’t blame myself for not being strong enough. I would be now, and that’s the only thing I can control.
Don't be hard on yourself. I am often very vocal and protective of others because of this. I now have the power to do so. Others have watched out for me too, when I was young and couldn't myself. You didn't fail anyone, you were groomed into not daring to share your stories. The stranger shouldn't have done that, and society should have been there for you.
You are NOT responsible for the behavior of your perpetrator. Perps gonna perps with or without you and most reports result in zero prosecutuons. Just because you report doesn't even mean anything will actually happen to the perps! Please just honor what you did to survive. Sending hugs!
This brings multiple thoughts to my mind:
1) You were young and you were a victim. I know it sounds like a cliche, but I will say it anyway. It was not your fault.
2) Most of us would not blame someone for being too afraid or ashamed to report an assault. We need to extend that same compassion and understanding to ourselves. If someone judged you as harshly as you judged yourself, how would you feel about that person?
3) A traumatic event that you had no control over does not define who you are. You are not "dirty" or "less than" because this happened to you
4) Why there is a statute of limitations on SA is beyond my comprehension. The trauma can last a lifetime for the victim, but all the attacker has to do is run out the clock. That needs to change.
I’m only 20 minutes into this video, and feel strongly that the father/ daughter purity situation opens up a door to very scary and dangerous/ illegal interactions that these fathers or other men may impose on children. I’m sure some men meant well; but this opens the door for assault within the family and community.
As someone who was abused by their own dad….I agree.
and it has taken you this long to work it out. I knoew this ydecades ago.
@@CultstoConsciousnessoh wow, Shelise, I’m so sorry to learn this. You are so brave to be fighting all this garbage! So glad you have happiness and freedom and your Mom has gotten out also.
It’s really what it seems to be made to do. He has your ‘purity’ it’s his to take or leave. Gross and criminal, as you said.
@@CultstoConsciousness WHAT?!?! OMG how did I miss this? Shelise I am SO SORRY 😔
I'm 60 years old so I've seen all kinds of "purity" and "girls have to be virgins but boys should be experienced" BS- more than you youngsters could ever imagine. I was born LDS, raised Quaker- and I also went to church with a lot of my Catholic friends. Talk about a confused kid 😂!
What I want to know is this- where exactly are the boys getting all of their experience? Tree stumps? Farm animals? Hookers?
To raise a girl child to believe the only thing she has to offer her future husband is her virginity is absolutely unfathomable. I can promise you... Your new hubby isn't going to care that you're not a fumbling crying bleeding mess on your wedding night. He might actually rather you have a little experience yourself.
The point I'm making is- male or female- the choice to wait until marriage is a personal one and it's no one else's business. What about the girls who "don't have a choice"? The girls who have had horrific things done to them through no fault of their own? Suddenly they are worthless? I would consider them "worthmore"- because they lived through it and are still able to share that gift with a partner.
Raising a girl to ONLY be a wife and mother is doing everyone a horrible disservice- you don't know the gifts she might have to offer the world and to stifle them because the only value she has is her hymen could truly be putting off a cure for cancer, blocking a female president that might actually be able to fix this mess, The list goes on. Why does it have to be someone with a penis that saves the world?
I loved reading this !!! Amazing points !
@ missy chan……your comment was perfection! 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥Thank you!
Just fyi:
The hymen should not be hurt or destroyed by sex.
If you do it right (take it slow, wait until there's moisture or use lube) sex should not hurt, the hymen should stay intact and it should be nice for all participants. 😉
@@saschamayer4050The state of *any woman’s hymen* is no one’s business including YOUR’S.
I agree. I grew up Roman catholic but we didn't learn anything like this. My mom and grandparents are italian American. We are close knit. Our church didn't push obscene things. They understand and understood we growing up And going to school public everyone is different and so is other families. We were taught not to judge others .
I have such vitriolic disgust by everything being recounted here, but the guy telling women that they are better off dead than surviving being raped is the most disgusting part of all of it. It goes to show how unimportant a woman’s life is to these people. That once you are not a virgin your life becomes unimportant. This is so violent
I was brought up with a sex positive mom. I waited until 17 to have sex for the first time, used condoms and didn’t get pregnant until my 30s - when I was emotionally ready for children. I’m so glad I knew what a period was when I had my first one and was ready for it. I’m so glad that if someone had hurt me - I would have been able to tell someone without fear of being shamed. Our school taught abstinence but also did have a sex-Ed in middle school.
My parents were really sex positive too and I waited until adulthood to have sex as well 😅 parents need to get with the program
i feel this. My catholic primary school was very 'dont do this' but at least they explained everything well. I think its hilarious we had the classes in the parish room of our sister church though XD
Are you saying you are a single mother?
Oh get over yourself, all you older folks still in denial about that whole "sex ed" thing essentially being D.A.R.E for sexuality...
My mum was also sex positive. There was nothing that was off limits for discussion. However, she was just too ashamed to tell me that her Dad had molested her as a kid. Early and repeatedly. So I didn't realise that's what he was doing to me. I told her about it many years later when she told me of her experience - and she was devastated. I'll never forget the look on her face - the realisation. She's gone now, and I will never be able to forgive her for that.
I am so glad they discussed the contract. When I was a kid, I was brought into a room in my church where all the elders of the church were. They tried to force me to sign the contract. I said no. They kept shaming and pestering me until I was able to call my mom.
Eeek! That’s so gross. I’m sorry that happened to you. I would’ve been mortified
You are so cool 🙌🏽💚🔋🦾 way to advocate for yourself. That is incredible strength you possess!!
Shame on them for trying to force you.
What did your mom think, if you feel comfortable sharing?
@Aelffwynn Back when I was a kid, my mom was a BIG believer in making your own mind. My mom was always sex-positive and didn't shy away from questions or answer them in a way the church liked.
I called her to tell her the elders of the church wouldn't let me out of a room with them until I signed a contract with them that I would not have premarital sex. She asked me to repeat myself. I did. She left work to come face to face yell at every last one of the elders.
I hate to report it now, but she has made a complete 180 since Trump.
These conversations are so important, and Kendra is amazing!
As an asexual girlie, I grew up with a weird relationship with purity culture. On one hand, it worked for me because I wasn't interested in the first place. On the other hand, it made me feel even more broken and inhuman for not experiencing these desires that everyone me screamed was "the universal human experience."
Thank you for sharing that! I’d like to interview an asexual person at some point to get that perspective as well
@CultstoConsciousness I'd love to see that! I'll make sure to tell you if I think of anyone who might want to come on and talk about that. I currently prefer to stay anonymous online and am still very much deconstructing and reconstructing.
@@CultstoConsciousness the link to Kendra's CZcams is missing
Would love to hear your perspective!
As an ace girl myself mine comes from trauma so I never had that not "getting it" phase, as an adult however I never get conversations and entendre
now and that has made for some awkward moments.
I was one of the “blessed in the chest” girls, and the shaming was CONSTANT. High necks emphasize boob size, and make mine look huge, so I’d get in trouble for “showing them off.” Any neckline lower than a t-shirt inevitably showed cleavage, and I would get in trouble for THAT. Mostly I ended up wearing baggy t-shirts, sweaters or sweatshirts, because even the clothes that were acceptable for other girls in purity culture were “too revealing” on me, specifically. To this day, I pin between the buttons on button down shirts, because I used to get lectures when mine would gap. I won’t even get into how much purity culture messed up sex for me.
Thank you for sharing that. How frustrating! And so unnecessary to shame a teenager who is already struggling with puberty and other things at that age. ❤️
Same story here! I felt like my boobs made everyone uncomfortable. My mom was fine with my younger sisters wearing mid drift shirts and mini skirts because they looked like little girls and I had Marilyn Monroe Curves…I ended up getting a breast reduction and my mom was so happy
Break the silence. Break the cycle.
I love that statement! I’m so proud when people have the courage to speak out against abuse.
@@ryanlewandowsky2077 thanks! I started using it back in 79-82.
Goated channel
@@micahcampbell9178 what does that mean?
@@katwitanrunaGOAT can stand for “greatest of all time”, so “goated” is a play on that. Basically saying the channel is the best :)
You should look into interviewing Joshua Harris. He wrote the book on purity culture when I was young. It was called "I Kissed Dating Goodbye." It was very influential in a lot of evangelical communities. He left the religion publicly just a few years ago, and apologized for the impact of his book. I haven't heard much else but I would really like to know his story.
Yes! We have looked into that. I think it would be a very interesting conversation
His ex wife just released her book The Woman They Wanted. She been great to interview.
yeah, I'd kind of prefer to hear the wife's side of the story.
@@danihawkinspreissler8017 she’s got a great story. My book is arriving soon!
Omg I didn't know he left. I remember being pressured to read the book and I never did.
One of the funniest things about being raised in purity culture is I turned out asexual 😂. I like to joke I did it too well. I've been told I'm going to hell for being asexual 😂. I was like bud do you know about eunuchs?
Ohhhh my goodness 46:36 when I went to get school vaccines and the doctor offered the HPV vaccine. Mother went full Karen on her and couldn’t believe she even mentioned it. Moved in with my dad at 15 and he had me get it right away. My step mom had me start birth control and educated me about STDs and pregnancy. Leaving that woman was the best life change I ever made
I didn't even know it was an option until college, and it came out well before then. Took a human sexuality course and called the medical clinic right away to get this set up
That HPV vaccine was linked to higher rates of cervical cancer… you were blessed to have your mom but couldn’t see it.
I remember one of my friends (who came from a very religious background) being banned from getting the HPV vaccine by her parents because she “didn’t need it” and whatever. They just outright refused to let her get it done.
It was a huge disservice to my friend IMO. It’s her body therefore her choice. I hope she changed her mind years later or remains physically healthy in years to come.
@@infjgirl3850 it is so ridiculous to not get it. You could have sex one time and get HPV. You could be raped and get HPV. Men need to be getting vaccinated too!!
This "girl shaming/blaming" also has an effect on boys - it gives them an excuse - as it's the girls fault as she was the temptation.
I said to my children who are now grown ups, don't get too intimate with just anyone, the love you feel as a teenager feels strong but it's mostly infatuation due to your hormones raging, try and wait for someone who is really interested in you and your growth, not just your body as when you experience love as a slightly older person then sex and any intimacy is so much more amazing that it is worth being picky on who get get close with. I hope that is a way to start talking to your daughters and sons, it is good for them to be picky and be able to have a more judgemental thought about sex rather than just hormone led thoughts.
A great place to start with this convo!
I agree with you on this. I'm seeing so many younger guys acting a fool literally they are blaming women for everything. It's people like that girl defined and Lori alexander the transformed wife promoting this and people literally believe and go along with her. It scares me for younger people today in their 20s.
@@phantomvampyressshadowkiss4690 Unfortunately lot of feminists have become really sex negative too, so young men are kind of stuck between two sex negative alternatives. It's really sad. I think decriminalizing sex work could solve a lot of issues for young men exploring what real sex is with a real woman.
I think purity culture is incredibly damaging, not just to self esteem but to education. I'm glad I learned about STIs and condoms and was aloud to experience puberty without all that added pressure because it's such a difficult time in adolescence.
Absolutely agree.
I don’t get why learning about those topics is mutually exclusive with abstinence? I mean, that is the top most effective preventive to disease and unplanned pregnancy. Plus I think learning about the medical background is good because it makes a good rational reason why not to engage in health endangering behavior.
@@nerysghemor5781 I was more referring to the shaming aspect of it and the not teaching of boundaries.. I also learned about abstinence and I don't think it's a bad thing just that it's not the only thing you need to learn.. Education and self esteem are so important and a lot of times it seems in these high demand groups they are the first things they strip you of.. 👻
@@casperswift ☹️ Hope you didn’t have to go through an upbringing in that kind of environment. And we learned about all the different protection methods too. But one thing that made the point was we had to memorize the statistics on the failure rates for each one. (I mean, I’ve even heard of the occasional woman getting pregnant on the pill. 😮 Rare but not impossible!)
@@nerysghemor5781 Wow..... I didn't grow up in a cult or anything I was baptized Roman Catholic but I'm not really religious. I grew up in a very psychologically abusive and physically abusive house. I've always been interested in peoples stories and Cults and HIgh demand groups just fascinate me
I remember my Catholic father yelling at me and basically saying that I ruined myself when he found out that I had sex for the first time. This whole concept of "virginity" is so gross.
Ladies - this was one of the best podcasts I’ve watched. I’m not religious and was not brought up in a religion. But, I find it fascinating b/c I don’t have that “faith” gene 😂. I’m Gen X and I wasn’t brought up to learn about sex in a healthy way (I wasn’t shamed, just uneducated). And as someone who was sexually abused by a family member I grew up with a VERY unhealthy view of sex. I’m just now learning in my 50’s what healthy sex is. It’s sad. THANK YOU ❤❤❤
Thank you! I’m glad you enjoyed it. I’m sorry to hear about your past. There’s always time to learn new things 😉❤️
I am 50 and still struggle as well. I was molested the first time at 3. I ALWAYS thought I was less than, trash, tainted, etc. I was not raised in a religious household either, but church was a convenient babysitter for my mom and a social outlet in my small town. I feel like at this point I am too old to get it sorted out in my head. Thank goodness I raised my daughter with a healthier perspective.
@@jolenejoleeene I’m so sorry. It was a social outlet for me as well when I was younger. I’m working on sorting it out. But alone. No longer married and I honestly think it’s helping to not have sex as an option. I taught my son as well. Not just the birds and the bees but really stressed love and respect along with consent. Good luck to you 🤗
I’m 52; another Gen X. I was SA-ed a couple weeks before I turned 16. It was awful for so damned long.
I grew up with a mom who was OBSESSED with what I MAY do sexually. I was not even raised in the more extreme religions, I was raised Lutheran. I was conceived out of wedlock and in the late 60s. I guess my parents HAD to get married. They hated each other and I think my mom in some ways hated me. I tried my best to not have a negative view about sex. I am going to be 55 and I still have hangups about my own sexuality. Because my parents were so concerned about what I might be doing sexually. Why would a parent even want to think about their kids that way. It is so gross and sick. The whole mental psyche of the United states is just broken.
This happens all over the world. It’s disgusting buts sadly it’s a thing.
I can relate. I was raised E A Faith Luth.... 💛 Take care.
I was raised Muslim in Morocco and the obsession with virginity is the same. In some families, the day after the wedding, when the couple were coming to meet the family, the mother of the bride would dance a few steps ahead of them, music playing, everyone clapping, as she was waving a white sheet covered in blood like a trophy, to show everyone she raised a good girl 🤢
My mom was born in the 60's and she had me in the 90's she also has this weird obsession with my private life, it's not a healthy concern or something, it's so weird and uncomfortable. A couple of days ago she saw me texting a male friend (who, btw, has a girlfriend and is monogamous) and she went ballistic about the fact that for physical and mental health reasons I have had to take contraceptives. She is not able to understand that 1. The pill has more functions than preventing pregnancy and 2. I'm not sleeping with every man I talk to. She makes me angry and sad, I feel that she is too repressed by the life she had, but why does she have to project it on me?? Makes me want run away from her.
@@EmmA-ln9heholy shit for real
It also helps to use proper language for body parts. Shame makes it soooo much easier for offenders to assault.
Yes! Words are powerful. Let's call things what they are, and not euphemisms!
@@juliee593 my youngest had his pediatrician ask at his two year old visit „does your peepee hurt when you weewee?“ Well he had no idea what she was talking about. My pediatrician taught us to always use the right words. She asked twice before he looked at me to translate „she wants to know if you experience pain when you urinate“ and he immediately went „Oh! No.“
My mom would tell us that we needed to be virgins before marriage because men valued you more. Meanwhile, her and all my aunts were virgins when they married and they were getting cheated on all the time! 😂 I'm married now and was not a virgin before my husband and he treats me like a queen 😌
I know this was probably a pretty small thing to you, but I really appreciated the fact that you clarified that you weren't being exclusionary towards queer people. A lot of these conversations are very heternormative, binary man-or-woman dominated, which makes sense, but isn't always accurate. We appreciate the visibility and the support!! Always a pleasure to listen to what y'all have to say 💙
Thank you! I wanted to make sure people knew it wasn’t to be exclusionary on purpose, but simply because that’s the way purity culture is presented at its core.
@CultstoConsciousness Absolutely! Cause like you said, there's no room for gender-diverse people in these high control groups. Thank you for always being a delight!
I had a boyfriend in middle school pressure me into sex. It was a very manipulative relationship where he would break up with me because I didn’t want to them would get back with me. It was awful. Little after it had happened my mom had asked me if I wanted to do a dad and daughter dance that pledged I would stay pure till I was married and it made me so s**cidal. (Already was experiencing depression anxiety and s* thoughts) it made me feel like I couldn’t tell her or my dad what was happening. Thankfully we never went but the conversation was awful to experience. We weren’t even religious purity culture is so wide spread it’s so scary
I'm so sorry you went through that, especially at such a young age!
{{{{oh my friend, it truly was never about you.}}}}
I am so sorry.
Wow that is terrible. My parents and me are only 21 yrs apart. I grew up catholic but we didn't go through anything like this. We were allowed to dress how we wanted. I'm so sorry you had to go through this that's just awful.
Why don't they have a mom and son purity dance 😬
@@leahflower9924 Very good question! One reason, but not the only one, is probably because boys don't have hymens.
I grew up being taught that sex is dirty... the issue now is that I do not have a good sexual relationship with my husband.
I used to teach at a Christian fundamental school. As a teacher I was always getting into trouble for not enforcing dress code violations rules. I was always like "I'm teaching! I don't want to be looking for cleavage and midriffs and butt cracks! I don't want to look at teenage bodies at all! That's creepy!" So because I refused to "do my duty", they brought in another teacher for a "morning stretch routine". The kids had to get out of their desks and do things like raise their hands over their heads (looking for midriff) and bend forward (looking for clevage)..... some teachers were very excited to fulfill the duties where I had "failed".
We also separated the boys and girls for Bible class and had the boys write letters to the girls, begging them to stop dressing provocatively because they were unable to focus in class. Then we read the letters to the girls and totally guilted them out for destroying these poor boys lives.
Looking back now I wish I could go back and apologize to all of those kids and retract 90% of what I did in that school. (Only 90% because I did really love the kids and did my best with what I knew at the time)
My great-grandmother was the religious matriarch of our family, and even though she was super conservative she firmly believed that you had to "ride the horse before you bought it" (great-grandpa was a horse trader). Like she wanted you to be thinking about marriage with the person but also like totally believed that if there was no chemistry or safety you should find out before the whole being-legally-bonded-to-someone part
Your grandmother sounds like an awesome person
I would have died of embarrassment if my dad discussed sexual issues with me. 😅
Seriously, though, this whole movement is super creepy.
True. My dad can’t even have such a conversation like that, not even to my brother. My grandma never even told my mom what a period was that was a nightmare.
@@Xaforn my mom discussed it with me (awkward), but I'm so grateful she signed consent to take sex-ed at school. There was one girl whose mom didn't sign the paperwork, then she got her period at school and had no idea what was happening. I felt so bad for her, poor child !
There's a huge difference between having a discussion with your dad about sex, and having your dad tell you that your "virginity" belongs to him until he transfers ownership of your genitalia to your future husband. I was always able to be open to my dad about my periods and it turns out it's not weird if no one makes it weird. I actually wish educational conversations about sex between dads and their kids would be more normalised. Because right now it seems like most of the responsibility of sexual education is systematically placed on the mother's shoulders, for no good reason.
@juliee593 my dad was a decent, appropriate man who let my mom tell me. I'm ok with agrreeing to disagree with you on this, since I don't think a father should discuss sexual matters as the norm because perverts may use this as a way to groom their daughter. I believe in privacy for children. Of course, there are always exceptions, such as death of mom, or having 2 dads.
As an adult, I have to wonder what's going on in the one family who won't sign consent for the school to teach their kid sex ed. It's not just that these kids are neglected and forgot to sign. Because a parent has to sign yes or no. I'll never forget the girl whose parent signed "no", she got her period at school and thought she was dying smh.
Also, tbough my same sex parent had the conversation with me, the school program was far superior.
They answered questions, brought tampons and pads, and gave tips to girls who got their period somewhere they didn't have a pad with them. There was also Q&A (no dumb questions).
@@pattihill7244That's why in some countries sex education is compulsory and parents cannot withdraw their children or they have to opt out not opt in so neglectful parents who don't sign the letter have to allow their children to attend the class..
My family hosted an US American Girl for a year. She wasn’t overly religious but wore a purity ring - her lack of knowledge on everything considered sexual health was concerning, and considering she was allowed to do an exchange her parents probably weren’t that strict anyway still she lacked basic knowledge about bodily functions, STDs etc.
Depends where you went to school in New Jersey we learned everything in Texas they teach abstinence only apparently
@@leahflower9924 she is from Redmond Washington - I dont know but regardless what they teach you at school I would definitely educate my teenage daughter how to do things responsible before I sent her away for a year of to Germany - I mean she seriously though HIV is mainly transmitted through kissing - which probably was some kind of scare tactic
@@4legs4paws55 I mean, some STI *can* be transmitted orally like herpes and syphilis. But most dont.
I get a bit worried the other direction-that so many people on this overall thread sound confident that condoms prevent transmission of all STDs, when some, like herpes and HPV, can still go around one
@@jameswilkerson4412 more than 3,700 babies were born with syphilis in the US in 2022, a 32% increase from the year before and a 1000%, rise since 2012… I don’t think the benefits of condoms being overestimated is the US is the main problem tbh - it looks like not using them is a far greater problem
I grew up in a kind of purity culture, and I'd like to point out another damaging facet of what I experienced: Pretending major gynecological problems aren't actually problems. In my case, endometriosis, which appears to run very, very strongly in my mother's family. My life would have been SO different if my mother could have just admitted that being in so much pain was not normal or "part of God's plan" or whatever BS and just put me on birth control when I started having problems AT THIRTEEN.
In a more positive vein...thanks for another wonderful video. :) I really enjoy your channel and hearing other people's stories.
I had a friend who had suffered with endometriosis all through her teens and was from a very strict Catholic family. When we were college roommates, I took her to my OB/GYN and he prescribed BC, her first relief in years. She had to hide the fact from her parents, even though she was not sexually active until years later. When I think of the lack of education about our very own bodies that we all survived . . . it's astounding.
I learned years later that my cousin was raped. She was also of the dominant religion in utah. Now years later, she found her son she had from the rape, who she gave up for adoption.
Her husband in a large part divorced her, due to this whole thing, including her reconnecting with her son, due to being raped years ago.
There's a real shame on women for being raped. There's a real harsh judgment for those, who have been raped. That's not just in LDS culture, but Islam; etc. Yet there are no consequences for males nor are they put tooth to nail for thoughts, the way they dress; etc. and sex.
I was pentecostal for many many years. I have so many stories about using shame to keep everyone in line. Once, in a young women's weekend retreat, one of the girl's underwear fell off from her bag. It was a thong. This thong was used to passionately shame us about using 'propper modest' underwear (as if anyone would see them through the long clothes we wore) because they could lead to sinful provocative thoughts. Basically called us wh*res if we ever thought of wearing them. I also was humiliated and made fun of because of wearing lip gloss. They told me I looked like I just had eaten fried chicken. And lipstick was a men magnet used for men to lust about us. Drilled into it. To this day I cannot wear lipstick. It makes me feel a lot of horrible feelings I haven't being able to shake off. I do wear sexy underwear and lip gloss out of spite 🤣.
Doesn’t matter if you wear it out of spite or sexuality, it’s your body and no one else’s. Own it :-)
Being obsessed with someones underwear that "should be" covered and not your business is just weird. Especially when you aren't ever going to be the person's partner.
Yes I grew up UPCI so I know exactly what you mean! Women’s retreats were the worst because my mom had educated me and I as a 14 year old girl knew more about such things than the women teaching the classes and it was horrible. So much misinformation.
A cousin of mine was forced as a teen to confess, with his girlfriend, to their entire church congregation when they had pre-marital sex. Even my super-religious parents viewed that as abuse and unnecessary shaming. (P.S. They are still married to this day and have raised 3 wonderful kids.)
It took me ages to wear it other than tinted lip gloss or lip salve. Then I bought a Lipstick Queen lipstick called Frog Prince which changes colour on your lips. It's quite translucent.
I freeze when men become inappropriate with me, and I carried a lot of shame for "allowing" things to happen in the past. As I got older, I realized this is a survival response to keep you safe. But at the time, I felt terrible that I couldnt stop it.
❤️ so sorry to hear that
I feel exactly the same way about some things that have happened to me. I honestly needed to hear this
Thank you for having this discussion. As a predominantly Christian country, the purity culture here in the Philippines is nationwide 🙃 so even if we do have an extent of sex education here (depending on the school), the shame is still very much ingrained in most of us so a lot of the things I do know now are from the internet and it's very dangerous knowing some of it might be unreliable.
I’m sorry you’ve had to go through that. A good reliable source of sex education is Dr. Mama Jones online, and there’s also a mental health professional that’s a sex therapist (I forgot her name at the moment). Both present scientifically proven sexual education.
Same. Thankfully, it's slowly but surely changing for the better! I just hope the changes come steady so it's more long-lasting than if we go off the deep-end too soon. 😣
The Philippines has one of the highest rates of bi-racial children living in poverty with single mothers. It's also high on the list for sex tourism. Child SA is rife both boys and girls. So the "purity culture" is not that widely spread but poverty and misogyny is rife.
@@ghighiannemorrison4922 both can be true at the same time. Just like how purity culture is present in the catholic church but also child molestations.
@gensoriano considering the High level, the mail order bride industry and the blatant child exploitation there can be no both!
I’m a male who grew up in purity culture. I didn’t lose my virginity til I was 23 and I was completely underwhelmed.
We went for 20 minutes and I was so nervous I couldn’t get off. And I was like…”that’s it?” And then in that moment the pedestal virginity and sex had been put on for me my entire life came crashing down.
Same as a woman for myself. I was shocked, like “that’s it?” And it wasn’t even enjoyable at all.
Sex is a skill, you developed that skill over time. I'm not saying to sleep around (unless its to consenting adults) because each person wants different things. Sex should be fun and enjoyable. Find a safe and comfortable person to have sex with.
@@amandawhittemore5078 Oh I have. And I did sleep around. And according to what I’m told it’s paid off.
As someone who lost my virginity at 26, I totally agree. I came to that realization before long before I actually had sex, so I was able to totally relax during the first time. But it still blows my mind how much it’s NOT a big deal like I was raised to believe. I even mentioned it to my partner after the fact, saying that I expected some kind of life-change, but at the end of the day it just felt like an extension of my affection for them. It felt so natural. I feel so much more liberated now as an agnostic.
@@pollsfriendgood for you! and your partners lol
Don't tell me my two favorite CZcamsrs are both egg donors!!!!! Omg...egg donors are the only reason I'm a parent, and I've constantly been told horror stories about donors. I feel so happy and even more blessed now. While you're not my egg donor, I thank you both from the bottom of my heart. I would be dead without my kids, because I personally had no interest in a life without kids.
Aww thank you for sharing that. I’m so happy you were able to have a family through donors ❤️ I think about my intended parents all the time
Kudos to all
It’s so extraordinary to listen to two intelligent, articulate women in conversation. Thanks for inviting me along for it.
Thanks for listening! 😁
I'm a very old, non-believing woman. I'm on the way out, but am so happy to listen to these bright, intelligent young women. They bring hope for the future.
My aunt went to a doctor to ask if my cousin could ride a horse because she heard the impact and vibrations from going up and down on the saddle could break the hymen 🤦🏻♀️
And later, when my mother found out I was having s*x, she tried to convince me to get a revirginisation surgery. I was 20 and I told her "well, that would be a waste, because I intend to have s*x again" 😄
Thank God for those sassy moments that helped me not to break!
As the mother of a son, I feel a great responsibility to raise my son to respect others and himself. For me, part of that was normalizing bodies, boundaries, and sex. We’ve been talking about it age appropriately since he was two. I was so proud when he he came home from school in 4th grade and told me he got mad at a classmate for touching a girl’s stomach and told the kid he didn’t have consent. He then educated his friends on consent. I was surprised he actually used that word, but he apparently soaks up some of our conversations, lol. (Don’t worry, the teacher was made aware of the situation) He’ll be 12 next week and we’ve talked about how girls his age are getting their periods, that it’s completely normal, and what to do if he notices a girl has leaked. I just want to give him all the knowledge I can so he can be a happy, healthy, compassionate human being. Y’all brought up some good talking points I hadn’t thought of for me to have with him when he’s a little older, so thank you. Y’all are helping to make the world a better place. ♥️
I didn’t grow up in a cult, but I did grow up around purity culture and went to summer camps that had some rules regarding modesty (for the girls). When I became an adult, I began to realize how damaging that mindset is.
When I went to grad school at a Christian seminary, I was surrounded by people of all sorts of Christian backgrounds, including varying strictness in purity culture. I have a distinct memory of hearing one of my friends telling me about attending one of her roommate’s weddings. The conversation we had was along the lines of “When they were talking about getting engaged, she had to tell him that she wasn’t a virgin.” When I asked what his response was to that, my friend said, “He cried.” I was honestly baffled as to why he was so sad about his soon-to-be-wife not being a virgin because in my mind I didn’t really understand why a decision she made in high school was worth crying over. At some level, in the context of purity culture, I get it. He was mourning this ideal for his wife that he probably dreamed about for years before.
I wish i’d had the forethought to ask if he was a virgin before the wedding 😂
@@maryrapp1What a loss-FOR HIM.
Steelcutoaths3033
Even if he would have been asked would he have told the truth? My ex tried to make me believe he was a virgin, then I find out he had been raping, yes raping, for years before I met him and afterwards as well! So disgusting! I kept wondering why I was getting all kinds of infections and the doctor would ask me if I had more than one partner or if my then husband had other partners to which I said no... Once I found out the truth everything suddenly made so much sense!
This conversation between two intelligent, heart centered women is giving me hope for all of us who have struggled with not only purity culture but were raised with inadequate sex education. We need healthy sex education for our sons and daughters.
As someone who went through childhood SA, purity culture was a nightmare growing up for me. From the time I spoke out at 5, which I really only remember traumatic moments from that age now, but I remember them very well because they were traumatic, I was constantly treated badly. I was told it was my fault by some. Told I seduced an adult by some. Told I'd have to tell my future husband that I was used goods so it'd be harder to find a husband. Ironically, I married an atheist who'd also left a different high demand religion, he didn't care one bit.
I grew up religious (Nazarene) in a non-religious, but still very conservative, family and the sex talk in our house was "don't fucking do it. If you're going to come home to this house drunk, high, or pregnant, don't come home." clearly that's fucked up, but it's just purity culture packaged more harshly. At any rate, all the purity influencing actually worked on me. My sisters... not so much, but they also weren't hearing it from the religious source like I was too. I finally lost my virginity a week before my 26th birthday after I'd gone on sabbatical from my religious life a year earlier (that's a whole other story) and moved to Spain from the US. I'd been having lesser sexual experiences for about 6mos leading up to the night when I told the guy I was fooling around with to "just put it in". I never did go back to my religious life and have made up for lost rime since, so I know now that the experience was pretty mediocre. Not traumatic, though I did cry the next morning because of a mini identity crisis. When you've been taught that waiting until marriage is an integral part of who you are, who are you when you're no longer waiting? Having to go ask for Plan B in a language I barely spoke the next day wasn't exactly fun either. so, yeah.... mess
Wow sorry you had to deal with that. I let my oldest daughter know if she decides to sleep with someone make sure your ready . I wouldn't badger or belittle her for making a mistake with a person or if she felt ready. I'll talk to her about it. I do talk to her about things now
I hate a purity ring. For my 13th bday my step dad gave me that ring and we had a whole thing. My birthday ended up being more about promising him I wouldn't have sex. I still have the ring but I never thought it was strange until today. Thankfully there was no contract. Thank you ladies for the work you're doing. It has been so helpful in my journey of healing the trauma I experienced in high control groups.
Thanks for sharing that. It’s interesting to me as well when guests bring things up that jog a memory and make me cringe, realizing I was uncomfortable in my past, but also fully accepted it as reality
Purity culture and it’s outcomes consistently prove that people have all but given up on trying to teach men right from wrong and decided on attempting to shift the problem to women and children instead.
Even growing up secular I had a hard time with the huge shift when you get married. As a single woman, the worst thing that can happen to you is getting pregnant. Then suddenly, once you’re married, everyone starts asking when you’re going to get pregnant.
We had purity culture, but it wasn't as in depth as this. (Baptist church in VA) but there was _enough_ importance on virginity that it made some kids more curious than they would have been if they hadn't always been told not to do it. Then the waves of guilt and shame over making out and sex. It was so intense (still not as intense as Kendra's experience) that on my wedding night I had years of guilt and shame built up and I was expected to just simply be OK with sex overnight? I wasn't. It caused a lot of issues. 😢
As a woman who was abused in her first marriage, what I was taught (nothing) helped prep me to be in a marriage where my ex ignored my body and it's needs and wants, it made it OK in my mind that he used me as a penis receptacle/sex doll. My body shut down, went numb. With my now wonderful husband, he has been so patient with my healing journey and I'm happy to say my body has come alive! He tries things and explores my body in such a passionate, sweet, giving and excited way that I have found out I like things that I never thought I would!!!
Sex/intimacy is one of the most wonderful things that exist for us~ I'm so pissed that it's made out to be so dirty!! 😢
Same here! I couldn’t enjoy sex after getting married because they had poisoned us into thinking sex was so sinful and bad. Horrible! Purity culture is so terribly harmful.
My mom pressured me into wearing a purity ring when I was 13. When I had my first kiss at 14 I felt so ashamed and dirty I took it off and she shamed me so badly and pointed out to everyone why I couldn’t wear it anymore.
Holy crap that is awful
That is ABUSE!! So sorry.
@@sidstovell2177 oh yes! We don’t speak anymore 😁
This makes me think people should be able to sue their parents for therapy costs
@@OriginalContent89 thankfully my therapy is covered by Medicaid! But yes I wish I could sue for damages
Everyone take a minute and like and share this discussion can help so many young girls
Thank you, Tracy!
I definitely resonate so strongly with her story. I’m grateful she has the courage to share it and help others. 💛 Thank you for this beautiful interview 💛
I never realized how intense purity culture was in my small southern TN town growing up. My parents were not fundamentalist or anything like that, but the societal norm here was so much like what is being told in this episode especially in the school systems…. Wow. I’m 30 and just realizing this
I was in Cali at the time and I’m blown away how popular it was even in public schools at the time where I was at.
And the beat goes on...
I think it was columnist Anne Landers who said “if a girl is old enough to get pregnant, then she’s old enough to know how NOT to.
Which is probably why some groups have started scoffing at the notion that anyone who isn’t an adult woman can get pregnant.
Good night, that's sexist. The inverse is true as well: If a boy is old enough to get a girl pregnant, he's old enough to know how NOT to do it.
I’m happy to see Kendra back! ❤ deconstructing purity culture is so hard and it’s affected my relationship with sex to this day.
Catechism in the catholic church was what did it for me. Me, at 7, along with all the other little boys and girls having to "marry" Jesus led me to many questions. Eventually I became an "unbeliever" (what a stupid word) and the hatred for me from my mother truly reared its ugly head. If you try to get out of these totally toxic belief systems, you are nothing but garbage that deserves punishment, even death. It's just sad. I am 55 and as a young little girl, I had 2 choices. Get married and have babies or become a nun. This is all after I was already forced to "marry" Jesus. Terrible!
I love when you and Kendra get together ❤
I grew up in an Asian country and this episode is so familiar to me as a woman. We weren’t educated on safe sex but rather taught as a disgusting thing women should not do prior to marriage.
I sure do love an episode where I have to yell "WHAT?!" several times out of sheer incredulous rage.
Shelise, the work you do is so important! Thank you for sharing the stories of these wonderful survivors (you included)! 🥰
❤️❤️❤️
I never realized I grew up in purity culture until I saw this video
Shouldn’t Purity Balls be for the boys? 😂
When I was in high-school, one of the girls that was in the class head of me got pregnant. She disappeared for several months and then came back. The baby was raised as her sister and not her daughter although everyone knew the situation. We lived in a very small town. There was no way to hide that. But they continued with the charade.
So sad, and not uncommon in earlier years. Keeping your baby was unheard of in my time, many decades ago.
Very well done, as always! The father-daughter things are intensely creepy...
Was raised Pentecostal in the 70’/80’s. I was date raped. I froze. So I didn’t fight hard enough and couldn’t tell that I was worthless now. It was awful. Hugs ladies. Thank you for speaking out!
Virginity...wow. A sore subject for me. I've always hated the question "When did you lose your virginity?" Umn. I didn't "lose" it. You don't lose virginity. It's not something you can misplace or forget where you put it. Neither is it something that can be taken from you. Much like dignity. I love the quote by Michael J Fox. "One's dignity may be assaulted, vandalized and cruelly mocked, but cannot be taken away unless it is surrendered."
YOU own your own virginity. No one can take it from you. It's YOURS. You can surrender it, give it up...not LOSE it.
I was assaulted when I was only 10. By the rules of most churches, I "lost" my virginity before I even understood what it was. Luckily I was not subjected to the concept of purity balls or contracts, but it was impressed upon me that I was expected to hold out until marriage. lol
My answer to that when I turned 18 and had the option ... "Are you going to buy a car without test driving it and checking the engine?" No. "Are you going to buy a house without checking the plumbing?" No.
Then why on gods green earth would you get married to a man without knowing if you are sexually compatible?
As a teenager, I was required to read the book "Every Man's Battle", by Steve Arterburn and Fred Stoeker. It's right up there with "To Train Up a Child" on the list of toxic "fundie" textbooks. I hate purity culture, and I am still deprogramming from all the shame and guilt that I was indoctrinated with in my teens.
After I survived childhood SA my first state appointed therapist gave my mom great advice that I think we all need. "Don't let someone touch you where you bathing suits cover. And always tell if someone's touches or looks make you feel unsafe, no matter where they touched you."
Ironically, it was my "dad" who stole my purity at FIVE YEARS OLD. After that in my teen years, he always accused me of being a whore.
His nickname for me was c*nt or tw*t. I had no clue what these words meant. One day he called me that when my mother was in the room. She freaked out! I knew then that it was a bad word, but still didn't know what it meant.
How horrible!😳 I'm so sorry you had to deal with that sh** at such a young age.😔
@@savannabarlow8197 Fortunately, I blocked the memories until I was in my 40s. Then, it hit me like a ton of bricks! Unfortunately, he was dead by then so there was no retribution …
It's much more common than most people would like to admit.
@SpecialSP I agree. I was molested by a relative when I was about 8 years old. My parents put an immediate stop to it when they found out, and I am very grateful for that. However, no one ever talked to me and helped me understand...at the time I didn't even know what such an act meant; I learned that about 12 years old and was horrified. I felt like a piece of shit for years, had horrible self esteem because of it. I'm still healing!🕊
@@savannabarlow8197 I was in a homeless shelter a few years ago. They had meetings of CoDA - Co-Dependents Anonymous. It's a program built around the AA model. Truthfully, everyone could benefit from it.
This may sound kinda strange, but, for the first time in my life, I internalized the fact that the rapes were NOT my fault. I was in my late 60s at the time and I was FREE of the guilt that I wasn't even aware of!
I spent 90% of my life making crappy choices - jobs, friends and especially, men. Then I realized this I was able to make changes. I haven't dated since 1990 when I realized that I always dated men like "daddy." That was an easy choice. I went back to school. My self esteem grew strong. These changes started before I remembered the abuse. It wasn't until I was homeless that I was free.
I think the healing is a "forever sort of thing." NEVER stop.
41:45-regarding birth mothers being sent away.
I am adopted. To think of my birth mother being sent at 19 years old, an entire state away from her family to room and board at a Christian agency, knowing that she ‘broke’ the #1 Christian girl rule, that was chosen by her family is a scary thought. Now yes, I am thankful for the family that I was adopted in…except I never got the sex talk either and grew up in the purity culture that 35 years later still upsets me, but I can’t imagine at 19 years old, working at McDonald’s being pulled away completely from the little life I knew of, baby daddy who up and after she was pregnant….just to be sent away. I think my birth mother was a bad ass.
My dad gave me a purity ring when I was in middle school cause he knew boys where looking at me. And I wonder if that's part of why I had such a hard time with my femininity! And remembering that moment he gave me the ring I almost felt this chain and shame because I was SAed by someone I thought was my friend before then... and my first bf and situationships I kept those very short " relationships" private and they found out and oh boy the screaming matches and shame... When we moved to America from Thailand I watched my parents go from normal loving parents to people striving to be like everyone else and making sure to save face because my dad was respected in the church because we where missionaries with an organization called Youth With A Mission (YWAM). So not a cult (but there are stories) but very very Christian. And my respect for dad sadly just started to fade... Luckily my parents are working on themselves and we're still mending our relationships but it created a rip in our trust
I attended a Catholic school, and I relate to this so much. They made someone put a piece of tape on their finger and touch everyone on the arm. They said “see how the tape is no longer sticky? This is what happens when you have sex before marriage. You won’t be able to bond with your partner.”
It's amazing to me that somebody actually thought that up. And then thought it was a good idea to use it as a teaching device for children.
We wrote names on each other’s backs at the Catholic middle school I’d attended and saw who’d had the most names and had either the most STDs or spread them the most. After that, I swore to myself I’d keep my partner count LOW and only when we both cared for each other, at a minimum
Yucky. I love and respect my Dad but he was/is never involved in my sexuality. He loved, protected and cared for me. I am so sorry that this type of weird sexual trauma happened to anybody who was subjected to purity culture. I support your self education and I so admire you for building a new mindset around natural sexuality.
When I was in 8th grade sex ed I kinda liked how my teacher did "how stds spread" thing. Everyone got a different name and then had to randomly pull a card saying who you slept with and if you wore a condom, used contraceptive, or nothing. Some people started with an std/sti and we watched it spread. Some people got pregnant. I think it was really helpful. Yeah they did stress that abstinence is the best birth control and the best way to not get stds/stis. It was also realistic in the idea that they knew most of us weren't gonna go that route. They wanted to give us the tools to stay safe.
I'm with you! for an embarrassingly long time after I became sexually active at almost 26, I was convinced that I was going to get pregnant every single time I had sex, even though I was enforcing condom use almost (I know...) every time . I had been taught that if God says there's going to be a baby, nothing you could do would stop that and I was terrified! An unplanned pregnancy would have meant losing my job and relocating internationally. I also STRONGLY opposed the hpv vaccine and now wish I'd gotten it back then because I almost certainly have hpv now. hindsight is 20/20, but jeeze
How hpv with all those condoms?
Such an eye opener about how you’ve had to grow up. I was baptized catholic and remember going as a child until parents got divorced. Both parents taught me that I should wait until I could give consent and someone who we’re in love but not necessarily marriage. My mom did say “if you get pregnant, it’ll ruin your life”. And as teen I once babysat for her friend- that baby never stopped crying the whole time. Uh nope! My dad was the parent who said “we can’t stop you, but there’s disease and pregnancy, so if you’re ready, you can talk to me and get you on pill, but also here’s how you protect yourself”. Uncomfortable, but felt more comfortable years later telling my dad I was “active” and yes, using condoms. In my later 20’s my mom asked about grandchildren. Me: it’ll ruin my life😂. 47 and child free. As you said, I respect people who want to wait for themselves, even a catholic guy I knew from work- late 20’s in military so you know he got sh.. from the guys. His choice. The problem not just in extreme religious communities, but in all places where now choice taken away from women is also lack of sex education- all of it, cycles, consent, knowing what makes your body feels good, self esteem where girls get into relationships and accepting abuse etc. Sorry for rant, you hit on all of these as well as I’m typing. Education is key, and sadly lacking.
1:56 i’m so happy you ladies are doing this because I have completed a year and a half of DVT therapy to be able to think clearly again after being raised my entire life in the water of life ministries under the “apostle profit Doyle” home now at 87 years old is being brought up on charges for murder. They are out of Texas. I felt like a terrible person, my entire life, a Jezebel spirit was what I was called. I didn’t know any different. Therefore, when I raised my children, my daughter received very strict upbringing. But my children are the ones really help me see I needed help. I wish it didn’t take 20 years is podcasts like yours that help get someone like me to see that when I don’t long, or we’re not taking our family down the path of hell because we feel like we’re being abused. Thank you 🙏🏽
57:12 This is such a great detailed analysis of why purity culture is so horribly damaging. The victim blaming it endorses and the unnecessary shame it causes is just unconscionable. The scary part for me who was fortunately never subjected to fundamentalist religion (my dad made me go to church but had good boundaries around secular and religious aspects of life) or purity culture is that its proponents want to foist it off on everyone, and in some places they are succeeding. At 61 years old, I never imagined we would get to a place like this even though I participated in pro-choice marches starting in 1980.
It does give me hope to hear how you have gotten out of it and healing and spreading the word to help others heal. Brava Brava to you both. Thanks for all you do.
Ditto to all. Thanks!
I swear to you purity culture had a role in me developing an eating disorder. It strongly encourages AFAB people to see their bodies as sinful and bad. That's the first step to hating yourself and distancing yourself from your own body.
I grew up in the purity culture and I didn't learn about a woman's reproductive cycle until I was an egg donor recipient.
I want to thank you both for helping women who struggle with fertility to have hope!
I am absolutely in love with CTC and all its guests. I grew up in Utah (still here) and studied psych. The spaces this community is creating are SO important for awareness, support, and emotional intelligence relating to all kinds of trauma and controlling environments.
True True my mom accused me of having sex all the time cause between period I had normal discharge that wasn't related to sexual activity . She called me slutty names and read Scripture about fornication and we weren't even Christian . It was Nuking Futz !!!!!!!So when I finally did,, my mind set was hell I might as well my mom already thinks I am. The first time was so painful and tight we stopped .
My point is I was already being shamed for nothing
I’m sorry, I can’t believe your mom, who’s a woman herself, would try to shame you for something that she herself probably experiences! This is also why in-depth sex ed at school is so so important to prevent this sort of misinformation … parents don’t always know best.
I was also “blessed in the chest” and was always made to feel ashamed if I didn’t dress like a 50 yr old school teacher. I ended up getting a breast reduction as an adult
❤️
Not even a minute in and my jaw is on the floor.. much love and support as always 🖤🖤
I appreciate that❤️
Apart from the video being very informative and interesting (and devastating), it was such a joy to see you two click with each other and have such wonderful chemistry in your conversation.
Thank you so much! 😁 we love Kendra
One of our youth pastors did the licked cupcake. However, at that time my mom had just become a type 1 diabetic and we purged all sugar (aside from gel packs for if she had a low) from the house. I said I'd eat the cupcake after the youth pastor licked a little frosting off it and jumped up to get it. I got in so much trouble. I was maybe 11 or 12, I didn't understand past it being a cupcake.
I'd really like to hear their justification for yelling at a kid fir wanting a cupcake. Like obviously it messed up their demonstration but what could they say you actually did "wrong"?
@@OriginalContent89 They said something along the lines of I must've wanted to ruin the demonstration because I wanted to have prematerital sex. Which as a CSA survivor is even more f'd up
The reference to True Love Waits made me literally ill. This wasn't a thing when I was a teen in my baptist church but a few years after I left it became a big thing. My niece had to go through it. I remember expressing how disgusting it was to my family members and they were appalled that I wasn't on board.
Thank you for correcting from STD to STI. Sexually transmitted infection sounds a lot less stigmatizing than sexually transmitted disease. We don’t call other infections diseases. Like the flu or an ear infection.
Not only is she so smart and spreading such important information, she is also so funny! Incredible sense of humor paired with a deeply important subject. Makes for great content. Just like you, Shelise! 💗✨ 2:49
She is! Thank you!
I used t believe in waiting until marriage, or at least engaged. I changed my mind. I do believe that a couple should have sex before they get married to ensure they are sexually compatible. It is a real disaster to be stuck with one person for the rest of your life that you are not sexually compatible with. It's a recipe for infidelity, abuse, and just destructive of a relationship in general.
I found this channel, thanks to Kendra. Both of you women are so amazing and strong.
When you spoke on the HPV incident and the STIs; I was reminded of situation that happened to me many years ago. I developed some type of infection and went to my family doctor (this was prior to the time I had an actual Ob/Gyn) he diagnosed me with an STI. I took medication and it went away only to recur a few months later. At this point, the doctor advised me that I was contracting a STI and I needed to alert my partner for treatment. I did, but I was horrified. Years later, I after many feminine issues, I learned that I had endometriosis and my body is very easily affected by ph differences. What was actually happening, is an infection that’s common in women (bacterial vaginosis) and it’s easily treated. Due to all the issues I had, I ultimately required a hysterectomy. But the point was, my original Doctor had confused a common infection with an STI. It was common to advise of the STI because the test for the STI is more expensive that just advising it could be that-and treatment is the same for the infections.
The jar thing.....yuck!
Wow.....purity culture....I grew up in it. I'm 45 years old now and I STILL struggle with it. The constant feelings that I am not enough, that I am impure, that I am unworthy. The more I watch, the more I think I may benefit from therapy....
This was very well done. A serious, frank discussion that’s needed. I’d love to hear your thoughts about how purity culture has influenced the laws in the US. For example abortion, child marriage and the police response to SA.
Thank you!!!
I support the "no shame shirt" shirt. And this episode was beautiful. I grew up catholic and there's a lot of shaming and purity teaching I didn't even realize until I started watching your channel.
🙌❤️
In a convent boarding school long ago, in our dormitory of many beds, we had to undress under a large tent like nightgown, inside our curtained cubicles. So other girls wouldn't see any part of our bodies. And so WE couldn't see our own bodies? Insane.
This is one of the most important videos on CZcams!!
I’m so glad you think so!! We think it’s pretty important too 😁
Kendra was wonderful! This was a fantastic episode. Really loved the open conversation and how much you two clicked!
It’s also a thing that the courts give a rapist parental rights that include visitation rights.
Powerful, honest and insightful interview with two strong women. Would love to hear a guy's side of purity culture. Thanks, Kendra & Shelise!
Yes! Maybe we can do that soon
This episode is gonna be very interesting to me cause I sorta had the inverse experience, growing up sex repulsed asexual with zero libido in a society where porn and sexuality seeps into every aspect of life, although purity culture is by definition toxic as hell, I feel like I would have been quite successful in a community like that, aside from my raging atheism and inability to not talk back lol
The crazy thing is… purity culture is just as obsessed with sex as hypersexual cultures. As an asexual who is slightly sex repulsed, both extremes had me feeling extremely uncomfortable and broken.
Purity culture says that I’m simultaneously the ideal girl for not wanting sex, a person in need of help for not having sexual desires, and a devil for not being tempted by sex. (You have to resist temptation to be “good.” It doesn't “count” if you’re not tempted in the first place.)
Hypersexual culture agrees that something is seriously wrong with me for being disinterested in sex. It says that I must be a prude. It says that it’s an incredible pity for others that I’m not having sex. It says that I’m missing out. It says that I should have sex anyway because I cannot possibly know my own sexuality until I’ve been with multiple partners. It says I’ll never be happy in a relationship unless I’m sexual.
Both assume being sexual is the norm. Both assume sex is of the utmost importance. Both assume one’s worth is, at least in part, tied to one’s sexual experiences. Neither tend to accept asexuality as a possibility, as a positive or neutral attribute that a healthy/happy person can have.
That's starting to change, but I wouldn't say the stigma of asexuality has been lifted.
Raging atheism. Ha! Mine has just been below the summer for almost 8 decades.
Best wishes to you, and all in these comments.
First time commenter, recent listener. With that outta the way, I have kind of an interesting story about purity culture via romantic rejection.
(Context is I'm in my 20s and he's in his 20s but a couple of years older than me and this happened around last month.)
I got rejected by a man I liked and it was a "it was him, not you" issue. And he basically told me men valued my virginity and I should save it because I need real love (because it's totes impossible to have romantic and carnal desires co-exist in a relationship *sarcasm* ).
Yeah, he could've told me he wasn't into me or he could've told me that he had an STD. I would've accepted that as an answer/warning/red flag. But no, he told me men value me for my virginity and he basically put me in the glass box of purity. Yeah, I hate the purity box inexperienced women are put in if you couldn't tell by this whole rant.
This is also the same man who would bring up baby factories out of nowhere. Needless to say, I'm kinda glad that he just wasn't into me because fuck being a human fabrege egg for "purity".
Oh and you wanna know the funny thing about this whole thing? He gained experience with one woman since he moved to the area a year ago. But a woman gaining experience has to be in mawwage lest she asks to be a sex object. Because remember, "it's impossible to have sex without marriage without the woman being an object and lacking self respect".
I'm of the belief that purity culture is a form of objectification in that it sees women as fine China and it's just as harmful as sexual objectification (AKA, what most people picture when they hear the word objectification). Some food for thought.
As a quick addendum, before anyone gets on to me for wanting to try before I buy.
I'm personally of the belief that waiting for marriage for intimacy is an expensive burden in the long run. What if you marry someone and it turns out the relationship was toxic? The divorce proceedings are gonna be heavy on one's wallet/bank account. This is why I advocate trying before buying with the caveat of use protection and make sure you regularly go to a health clinic to get tested regularly.
To appease those who wait for marriage. That's fine. That's your choice. All I ask is don't force that on other people and don't shame people with high sex drives. In other words, it's a choice and choices shouldn't be forced on others. It should be up to the individual in question.
Thanks for coming to my rambling Ted talk. Do forgive the mature language. Have a beautiful day.
Hug a kitten.
Drink water.
Tell your local LGBTQIA+ person they're awesome.
You are loved.
And yeah I think that's all I gotta say on this.
Absolutely love your work!
Learning about purity culture as a concept has been really healing for me. As an asexual person i was always afraid that these sexual desires that everyone was so scared of would just take over my mind one day. And that was terriying. The thought that this thing that was already forgein to me would one day become an uncontrollable urge that would condemn me to a life of sinfullness was one heck of a boogeyman. I never had interest in sex, and the idea that my worth was in my purity and that boys would always want to take that away made it really hard for me to interact with anyone romantically in high school and college.
When going through puberty in purity culture, asexuality can feel like a superpower because you just dont struggle with the same sins as other people. But once you get older the general fixation on sex can make any potential relationship feel downright hostile.
I got my first period when I was 12, the curves followed shortly after. I was made to cover up because the friends of my parents looked at me sexually. It was gross.
Why were your parents surrounding themselves with ped0philes? Did they really think it was normal for adults to look at children like that?
Like nearly everything in life, “informed consent” is the key. If you want to wait, it should be by choice and with all the facts. If you don’t want to wait, it should be your choice and with all the facts.