Compilation of Michael's Best Jokes About Long Term Relationships | Michael McIntyre
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- čas přidán 15. 07. 2019
- Just put it IN the dishwasher...
#MichaelMcIntyre #Compilation #Relationships
Website: www.michaelmcintyre.co.uk/
Facebook: / themichaelmcintyre
Twitter: @McInTweet - Komedie
I loved how he referred his wife to last year's card to find all the "sweet" things he wanted to say to her. I was married for almost 31 years before my husband died but we had been married about 15 years and I asked him (why do women always do this?) "Why don't you tell me you love me?" (I knew he did because his actions said he did but I just wanted the words.) He said, "Well, I've told you I love you in the past, right?" I said, "Yes". He said, "Well if I ever change my mind I'll let you know."
Omg that's brilliant lol
Haha
That's brilliant. Sorry for your loss
Ahahaha!!! Gold!! 👍🤣
That's so amazing.. ❤
"cause I'm throwing it in and sometimes I miss...." Hahaha lmao 😂
Passionate Picker I always do that 😂😂😂 and I try again until I actually get it in 😂😂😂
Victoria Parker - My ex husband would do this, leave his clothes on the floor near the laundry basket. I could never figure out why. Now I know 😂
Kinda expected that same line to come with the dish washer one ngl
"Honey, why do you you always put the plates next to the dishwasher, not in the dish washer? They dont get washed if their just *next* to it!"
"...well I'm throwing it in!"
Everyone who lives with someone who does this, ie, not put dirty clothes in the laundry basket should do one thing:
JUST LEAVE IT THERE
DON'T TOUCH IT
DON'T WASH IT
DON'T TIDY IT
DON'T PUT IT WHERE IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE
they will soon run out of clean clothes to wear and when they inquire as to where a particular item of clothing is... your response will be, "where did you leave it?"
Motto of the story:
If it isn't in the basket it doesn't get washed!
This is my boys...
What monster opens a new milk when theres one already one open??!!!
I know!So annoying
honestly? it's never mentioned as to whether the milk left over is still good or just only good for making buttermilk biscuits. if the milk moves more like sludge than liquid, then i'd go with the bigger question of why he didn't just chuck it.
Are you his wife?
Chanie Feldman-Levin I live w one who opens new everything before the old one is finished.
My 19 year old son...
LIKE HOW HE USES HIS FIRST JOKE TO FINSH THE LAST JOKE !!!
That's one of the oldest stand-up writing tricks in the book mate. This guy's painting by numbers and everyone calls him a "genius"... Bizarre.
Austin Dyer well at least he makes people laugh
@@AD-kv9kj SO go do it yourself if it is so easy
It's called a call back. It's something most successful comics do
It's so cheap it's not even funny. I feel dirty when I use it, there's no skill. Its cheap but it works, like selling your soul to the devil.
Well..his wife is right on pretty much everything 🤣
Yes
Except spontaneity. She clearly meant the opposite.
"The only thing you clear in this house on a regular basis is your internet history and it's disgusting"
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Spot on. He is a brilliant observer with just every day average stuff.
The dishwasher part is so relatable.
@Mister Physics I know what you're talking about, mate, been there. But I was actually referring to the wife bending over and then me groping her lovely butt.
@@jipke haha , YES,.. so relatable.. 🤣
I ended up asking my man to not grab my butt EVERY time I walked past him in the kitchen.
"I still love you. ....See last year's card for full details." xDDD
0:44
Yeah that is definitely a thing he said. Why you're quoting a video that everyone who would read your quote literally JUST watched, and why your comment has almost 900 "likes", I have no idea.
@@leptoon This is very common in the comments - people quote the bit that rang true with them the most/made them laugh the most etc. I guess it depends on what videos you're watching 🤔
It’s a weird thing to do but it doesn’t bother me it’s just strange
@@generalbaryonyx6850 I just put a timestamp and a laughter emoji..
He always ties the joke together at the end giving credit to those who bothered to listen previously and making you feel special for getting it.
Yeah so even if you missed the whole middle part you can walk away still thinking he was funny 😂
6:03 "look at me- im n e k e d~"
That one episode with rachel in friends when she was home alone 😂😂
‘I knocked her in by mistake’. OMG! I’m crying. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
LOL, ex would think it was funny to smack my arse while I bent over, and my fat arse would ripple up my back, tipping me over!
"You might as well put it in the fn garden"
One of the best uses of the f word ever.
anyone notice the woman at 8.03 that said to the person next to her that 'that's you' when Michael was talking about spontaneous dishwasher loading 😂
Yes I did mentioned further up. He certainly is a observer of people and action
8:01
The woman said to her husband “that’s you” 😂
Also Michael , me and my bestie Bethan are massive fans and always listen to your jokes in our art class 😂
Shouldn't you be doing art
Jakub Gdaniec it’s the thought that counts lol
Magma Fang yeah but we listen to Michael McIntyre whilst doing art
@@hannahdiane8451 I love hearing you are doing art , art opens parts of the brain and can help with memory and cognitive movement. It's also been proven to help stress and anxiety. Take no notice of comments from others keep enjoying art . Michael is great he lives close to us in North London ☺️.
This is not a joke, this is real...but if you don't understand, it's a joke. The one came from Corsica the other came from Georgia, and the third came from Austria, and all three did the same, but they did the same for the same ... and We serve the same ... understand History ....
I completely understand her! The everlasting battle in my house!
Janelle Torres fucking hell, you need to sort out your priorities
@@billysinge8977 yoy have to honor the orhers' work.
@@billysinge8977 Oh, because you are the one to do the dishes and laundry?
I've never watched Michael McIntyre and not laughed out loud enough to feel I've done my abs workout for the day.
That’s a pretty good sign. He doesn’t make me laugh that hard but he does make me laugh out loud which is pretty unusual for standup comedians
“If you open up one more milk.......” I’m shitting myself laughing and it’s 3am so I’m trying to be quiet
Haha same xD 😆 I'm trying to not wake up the whole house but I can't stop laughing 🤣
Has to be my favourite comedian by far!! 👌🏻He’s hilarious 😂
8:00 "that's you" lol can't imagine how many people just said the same thing. I know i've done that in the past :/
I've been married for 14 years now and I totally relate to that. Spontaneity is almost impossible when you have kids 😁
Putting empty boxes back in the cupboard, fridge ,why do men this??? If it's empty it's trash, throw it away.
women do it as well, my own mother does this so you're just man hating
Less than a teaspoon of milk put back is just lazy, also an empty toilet roll.
So she won't know I finished it in one go; it will take a few days for her to realise and so it will look normal.
Lol 100% female right here and I am 100% guilty of this XD
My mum does that lol
Why am I watching this I ain't getting a long-term relationship ever 😂
Omg I relate
Long term doesn't have to mean same roof.
@@yjy5448 go back to the basement troll!😂😂
@@yjy5448 You're so unaware of yourself that yu can only project on other. I pity any women, girls who's ever been in your life.
@@yjy5448 FFS, you are a fool. Just an incel who has no appeal to women. Fuck off this thread.
“I’ve read three books”
Oh boyyyyy
I choked on my biscuit. literally was putting an empty packet back in the cupboard during that joke and literally choked.
This is where the f word is used correctly, you might as well put it in the fn garden, a masterpiece.
Dishwasher = my husband. Biscuits = my sons. Men 😲🤣
Karolina T Because women DO TOO MUCH FOR THEM!
My brother took the last hot pocket out of the freezer and left the box in there. In fact he did it not once but twice. Imagine wanting a certain food and you reach into an EMPTY box (twice) I found a coffee can in the pantry with no cofffe and a Dunkin’ Donuts empty coffee bag inside. I was like there no way my mon would do this this is my brother
You are my favourite stand up comedian. I love the fact that you are not vulgar, even though you make quite a lot of sex jokes. You are brilliant! Thank you for sharing your work on CZcams!
8:03 that woman said to her bf of screen "that's you" read her lips XD 🤣🤣🤣 I'm weak
8:03 That woman saying 'That's you' 😂😂😂
"Goes down as a whole" is priceless. 🤣
"Is there anything else?" is even more priceless. 🤭
the only thing you clean in this house, on a regular basis is your internet history and it’s disgusting 😂😂😂
Oh my God!! This is the exact conversation I have with my partner all the time.........and nothing changes!!!!
..
....
I feel that "milk" comment in my soul.
OMFG That empty packet back in the cupboard, UGH! Both my sister's and our dad do that. Mum still thinks it's me for some reason 😭😭😭
Micheal, you are one of the best comedians of all time!
Mr. McIntyre is the ONLY living comedian who can make me laugh so hard!
Yes, cannot take ladies for granted😍😍
I never get tired of this one. It’s still good no matter the time 😂
So is it 4 years? 8 years? 12 years or 13 years? I think Mrs. Michael is gonna have a Word with him one more time tonight.
4 years married 8 years together before hand. That's 12 years. Then at a show a year later its 13 years
Not really. The first clip it's just 4-5 years earlier. The clips are not from the same show
*Mrs McIntyre*
@@doms6741 It's not 8 + 4 years, out of the 8 years they have been together they have been married for 4.
This is a compilation of joke from different shows over the years. He obviously told one joke after 4 years, another after 8 and the other joke after 13 years....
08:22 "Jesus! There's a spoon in my eye."
"Sorry, I was trying to be SPOONTANEOUS" 😂😂
spontaneous.😀
@@lucelu551 They were making a pun by playing on words
"I knocked her in".... I can't breathe 😂
It's so accurate, about the muting of the t.v and getting re dressed and putting on the glasses ..laughed out...
He is sooooo seriously adorable!
💞😂💖😂💞
This is not just comedy he's giving life lessons y'alll. Gooold
I was spontaneous over my girlfriend once.
She said 'is that it?'
poor you
Very funny! But is it just me or does his wife sound a lot like bridget from bridget jones? The expressions, awkwardness and tone is on point 😁
"The only thing that you clean in this house is your internet history" 🤣🤣🤣
I laughed the whole time and finally got belly laughs that hurt! It’s been so long, so good job! And I snorted! 😂
8:03 “that’s you” 🤣🤣
Thank you for the laughter you bring to my life.
BRILLIANT never have too much of Michael McIntyre’s comedy. 💖
OMG him talking about his wifes lecture to him is the EXACT same as me and my boyfriend...THE GOD DAMN SAME 😂
the "please turn over...the page" part was genius
he has nailed this.
YOU ARE SO HILARIOUS AND CONVEY TRUE DAILY REALITY IN THE BEST EVER OF WAYS. SIMPLY ADORE YOU
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our one year anniversary today. This is a hilarious coincidence.
That’s lucky, you might not have remembered if you didn’t see this. ESSO sell flowers...
Awww...congrats. I hope you two continue to be very happy.
Happy Anniversary 😄
Get her pregnant before she runs away
Cuteeee
"Men don't need to be seduced.. We can seduce ourselves unknowingly in our sleep" 💀
He's a Champ in delivery
Warning! Do not eat & drink whilst watching this hilarious funny man🤣 I spluttered a mouthful of tea. 😂
This guy was building up a practical joke his whole marriage
That is what i call comedian
My gosh!, Your impersonations , gestures , paceing is hilarious.. 🤣
I LOVE it!! 😃
I wish I could meet you to thank you!! for so much resonating w/ the pet peeves part.. 😲
OMG he's the best! Love your humour Michael!😂😂😂😂😂🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
Omg this is so accurate 🤣🤣🤣
As a woman, I agree with the wife on evertyhing re: the milk, dishes etc - isn't it common sense?
*clears throat* "MiNiMuM"
Yes
- Real men
I don’t agree re the milk. Like why on earth are you getting upset that there are two milks to choose from?? How could this possibly affect you?
@@Hankblue Depends. If they have the same expiry date, it's just a lazy thing to do but causes no real issues.
However if you start using the second bottle and let the first one go off, that's is just plain stupidity.
@@Hankblueexpiry date- it has to be finished 3ish days after it’s opened
🌸 married life.....you have to come up with new shit every year, jump through hoops etc lol 😂
Socks off if it’s a special occasion lol 😂
Anytime I am just a little bit down, I rewatch one of his videos. Now, I’m down to re-re-rewatching and he’s still funny!
everything is super relatable :)))))))))). he is amazing
Lol, I swear, I laugh no matter how many times I watch his shows.
The woman at 8:03 says that’s you to her man 😂😂😂
I love the knowing looks the couples in the audience give each other!😂👍
By spontaneous; buy her a bouquet of flowers out of nowhere 😂
This is so funny, but its only because it's true! Love this!!
Love your shows, have watched them all many times
Why is this my husband?! 😂😂😂
I was watching Inglourious Basterds with a friend on my bed once and then she suddenly paused it. I just remembered.
🤣🤣🤣 the dishwasher scene ! 🤣
i love you, please turn over XD
😂😂😂
Those on long term relationships will laugh more than those who are not.
Haha I do that now. I’m a newly wed but we’ve together for 5 years ❤️
Simply lovely! We got so much rain yesterday and today the sky is cloudy but after this video, sleep all you want sun!
At least your dishes land in the kittchen!😂😂😂
Hahaha I hear ya 😂😂
“Please turn over - *the page* - please turn over”
*glad he specified*
After hearing things like this, I am so grateful for my husband
Yeah I mean he comes off as funny but I'd be infuriated with him too, wouldn't put up with that kinda ridiculousness. A human being needs to value their space (and their honesty) better than that regardless of who is around them. On the flip side, the whole "be spontaneous / argh why did you just do that" thing is also stupid, but I don't "get" the average woman myself, regardless of what genderbits I have downstairs.
@@tirsden Same, SAME! I think we are all brainwashed to behave in certain ways a d to hide our emotions on regular basis and we also expect from others to behave in a certain way... It's like a shared delusion spread to most of our society, and then when people don't act according to it, we're disappointed
If we would speak our true feleings more often, if we would reflect more...
99% of people I know just seem too immature for that, no matter their age
men are raised to treat their wives as new mom-servants and women are raised to think that's normal anf men're just like that and there is nothing to be done about it...
imagine if we all preffered to break up a relationship than serve a man-child
they'd have to toughen up and actually "be a man" and not just some child with added sexual drive?
My goodness what a bunch of losers in this comment section 😭🤣
OH ....GOODNESS.🤣🤣
HAVENT LAUGHED SO MUCH IN AGES .
🍾🥂😍😍😍🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Very funny, very relatable! Thank you 😄😆
Omg that is my life! Lol
Your internet history!
I love this man .... He sends cards!!!! ........
I am sat in my car, on my own, outside my house, laughing like a hyenna. Going to look like an idiot if I suddenly stop laughing hysterically and get out the car and go indoors straight-faced, so, am now considering what sort of a smile to maintain without also looking like a complete twat!!! 🤔😁
My stomach has never hurt more
Katrina Blackwood Mine has. It was whilst watching The Steve Allen Show in which he celebrated his 80th birthday. It lasted at least an hour & we didn’t stop laughing one second from beginning to end.
Guys a genius :)
"I still love you …see last years card for full details" 🤣🤣🤣PERFECTION. That's the best line.
*Please turn over, the page*
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
What an amazing talent Michael is!!!
I’ll consider myself to be in a long term relationship when we have our 30th anniversary in a few months!
Congratulations 👍. Laughter is always the best medicine..,, 😁👏
It’s hilarious!
just lovely
Damn! Lost weight! Looks good man! Love the content. Funny as heck!
I love your jokes. It is all too real, hahaha.