The Trauma Of Abandonment | Dr. Gabor Mate
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- čas přidán 17. 08. 2022
- Dr. Gabor Mate talks about how big is the impact of our emotions to our physical body; and how this impacts everyone since early ages. Dr. Gabor Mate talks a lot about trauma and how it really affects us if we don't make it conscious. So basically the main teaching of this, in my opinion, is realizing how important our inner state is, and making conscious our traumas can free us from them.
CREDITS:
Dr. Gabor Mate's Original Site: drgabormate.com
Dr. Gabor's Book:
drgabormate.com/book/the-myth...
When The Body Says No: amzn.to/3sQiU3p
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Thank you for watching Way Of Thinking: The Trauma Of Abandonment | Dr. Gabor Mate
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CREDITS:
Dr. Gabor Mate's Original Site: drgabormate.com
Dr. Gabor's Book:
drgabormate.com/book/the-myth-of-normal/
When The Body Says No: amzn.to/3sQiU3p
Abandoned as a CHILD..... CAUSES TRAUMA'S ON A CHILD.....
A CHILD BLAMES THEMSELVES 😢😢😢😢😢😢
Another anxiety
😰💔👶💵💔👶💵😰👶💔
*Help 😮us*
*Wake up 😮 Americans*
*CPS" is Destroying*
*low-income* families*
ust to keep themselves in a job..
😢👶💵💔👶😢💵*
*Please look 🥺*
Another system that destroys the families especially lower income*
*The Corrupt Business of*
*Children Protective Services*
By former Georgia
*Senator Nancy Schaefer*
Plus her talking to
Inforwars Alex Jones
Follow The🕊️💵🕊️😮
5.21.2022
Peace 🕊️🙏🕊️
Now why isn't CPS ever looked into..?!?!?!
9.12.2023
11.3.2023
*HELP* 😮.
1.22.2024..
"For the child to feel wanted the mother has to be happy" Spread that message far and wide to everyone you know
Wow! That is sad.
Yeah... That is very true... My mother says she loves me and that she really wants me but it is clearly evident from her behaviour that she is not interested in anything or anyone including me... Maybe she does love me but I never feel wanted
@@sweety2817 I feel that
So true...I was too unhappy to be a mother.
Thank you for those words 🙏🏼
I take great pride in being a generational trauma breaker. I will carry all the weight because it must stop with me.
i love this me too
How did you do that?
@@aks1993kumar by changing the narrative, changing the path, doing everything differently. Its lonely at first and difficult because youre in uncharted waters. But its worth the sacrifice. Youre setting a new course. Youll benefit in the end, and your children and their children. You are the reset.
Me too ❤
Hahaha you sure sound dramatic 😂😂
My abandonment was emotional. My family was there physically but I was utterly alone emotionally from my first day of elementary school. Everyone was busy with their own lives and nobody thought it was their responsibility to look after me so I was left to fend for myself. A feral child, right there in a family of six. Youngest of four kids, unplanned, unwanted, and ignored. They made me feel guilty just for being alive, and I grew up feeling like a stranger in my own family. Feeling like I was an unwanted guest who had vastly overstayed their welcome but couldn't leave.
How are you as an adult now ?
I’m sorry that you had to endure that. It must have been incredibly difficult.
I think we have a lot in common
@@stefaniweiss2077 Perhaps we do. Hi. I'm Michael. :)
@@TheComedyGeek Hi Michael, wondering how you are doing now? How long it took you to get over this if you have?
I work as a RN in pysch, detox and trauma. Gabor hits the nail right on the head. I personally suffered childhood trauma, abandonment, abuse etc and went to therapy for most of my life only to realize this truth. Louise Hay said, "we are all victims of victims". We have to understand this trail our families are on so we can make a new way to travel into the future. ❤
Start by ditching the victim martyrdom. When people feel as tho they’re a victim, they’ll NEVER take responsibility for making themselves feel better. Blame parents and society? Who da heck had an ideal childhood? Mine was filled with abuse of every kind AND neglect. After scads of therapy I was over my past. You cannot embrace the future while still clinging to past wrongs. Let it go. The moment is all we have. Make it joyful.
Hurt people, hurt people!
@@hoosierbaddy3052 Everyone has been victimized. I did not say to live as a victim. People go through cycles in their healing process which is good as long as they don't live in it. Nobody is instantly healed and just moves into joy. I congratulation you if you have however; I suspect you have not dealt with all of your issues. Compassion is a necessary component in our humanity.
Why do you sound angry t words people who are not yet at a place of having experienced closure with trauma of abuse and abandonment?
For instance, I have no memory of my mother who died when I was approximately 13. Each ones I had you remember extreme abuse of my step father, I feel the house being empty other than myself and he. I fainted throughout my childhood waking up at different places than where I fainted.
Hard to let the unknown go.
@@hoosierbaddy3052 Easy to say and you have points but there’s this sh** called PTSD or CPTSD.
Add to that the number of parents looking at phones, tuning out while kids say "mum, mum, mum watch me" and are ignored. A whole generation of phone addicts. As a teacher of kindergarten children I was saddened on sports days when parents would arrive only to sit and look at their phones while their little ones raced and won awards. Very sad. I might add, not all of them, but too many.
Yes, it is so sad to see the children ignored, the pets ignored...how can they feel worthy?
True
As a parent of two young children I see this so often. Parents in public who never look up from their phones. I can't imagine how bad it is in the comfort of their own home.
This is a huge reason why I never wanted kids. While I know I'm capable of loving them tremendously, I know I can't give them what they NEED with all of my issues. There's a lot of deep trauma in my family and I don't want to be responsible for inadvertently "passing" something down. Some people like to say people who choose not to have kids are selfish. But I think it's the other way around.
I'm struggling with this now in life. I think I never wanted kids because I felt abandoned, rejected, and like I was never enough. I also can't recall when my mother was very motherly to me, probably why I'm not very motherly to other children.
❤❤❤❤I AGREE 💯👍👍💯👍👍💯
Amen to That! Every Word!!!
@@jan854well now i would not say it’s selfish to want kids anymore than it is selfish to want anything. it always comes down to self. and desire for children is perfectly natural. in the dna. but it’s also totally fine to not want children.
I am here to say, it is my child that inspires me to go deep and heal my wounds. It is not healing if you simply take your wounds to the grave. We create generational wounding in our relationships too, so it’s not like staying free “spares the world of us”. I can understand not wanting to have children and thats ok, but children teach us how to love ourselves again. ❤
You don’t have to be given away to feel abandoned. When my mother turned her back me while I was traumatized by an angry father, I felt completely abandoned
My Dad would throw pots and pans down the hallway and turn up the t.v. full blast and yell obscenities.
He would be drunk. The next day i woke up traumatized and Mom said, " he was just drunk"
Like that was supposed to be some form of soothing mentality. He was drunk.
The thing is he was drunk almost every night. The "he was just drunk" excuse was wearing thin.
How DARE you compare your suffering to this man? He lived through the HOLOCAUST! The most awful thing to have ever happened (for no reason) to any group EVER! The Jews have suffered (for no reason) and been persecuted (for no reason) for thousands of years (for no reason)! And you think you know what it means to suffer? Better take your ass to a Holocaust museum (there’s one in most cities) and educate yourself about what it means to suffer. And if you even think for one second that it “didn’t happen” or it “was exaggerated”, well.. then you’re a bigot, an anti-semite and a low-down, disgusting human being. Never forget the 6 gorrilian!!
Very often the mother lives in too much fear themselves to help.
Like he stated the mother has to be happy. She couldn't have been with your angry father. He deserves equal blame if not more
That’s tough I’m so sorry
Dr. Peter Levine also said that ADHD can actually be PTSD. The symptoms look alike. He said: "When you're constantly being pulled back to trauma related experiences, you're not in the here & now, you can't focus."
I am autistic and adhd, and i flash back to traumatic experiences all the time! It definitely contributes to the difficulty focusing
Just because someone says it and has dr in front of their name, doesn’t make it true. May be similar but not the same. Many mental illnesses are similar and should we call them the same thing?
@@Lion-O-Richie2040 no, this is actually true. I was told the same thing by my doctor when I got assessed for learning disabilities and came out with a PTSD diagnosis. The symptoms are often extremely similar if not the exact same (emotional dysregulation, lack of focus/spaced out, impulsivity, brain fog, constantly seeking out new external stimuli, difficulty socializing, easily overwhelmed, rejection sensitivity, higher likelihood of substance abuse, etc etc etc) - it’s the causes that are different. Unfortunately, ADHD is hugely overdiagnosed these days because it’s easier to treat and because the doctors are not often given the time/space/tools/etc needed to do a proper full psychological assessment. I was misdiagnosed as ADHD for years due to this systemic failure, which prevented me from getting the help I actually needed. Mental illness and ADHD are way more similar than most people realize.
I remember being very smart and easy to go on task and achieve. However with time and without my knowledge I developed PTSD from many events that overlapped and my twenties are somehow of a blur. Through I have achieved a lot on paper and still do, it takes me many efforts and my working memory has declined. I am always thinking at at least three things at the same times and it is worse when having conversations. I used to think I was ADHD before learning about PTSD...
@@Lion-O-Richie2040 ADHD can actually be PTSD. The symptoms are similar.
Yes. Someone with letters after their name may diagnose someone with ADHD. Some people may be able to connect the dots, like Mate has. Once he learned how the brain develops, there was the science to back up what he knew inside himself.
You don't have to believe what he is saying if you don't want to.
He is definitely a great teacher of mine.
I´m deeply touched by this talk, no one has ever told me this before. I´ve been in therapy for so many years and I never understood that feeling of abandonement and anxiety when someone ignore me. Thank you for this
I feel this too.
I adopted three children that came from backgrounds of trauma. Your brain does definitely develop somewhat differently as a consequence. I believe it can wire you into a chronic state of low level anxiety and predisposed towards emotional reactivity and depression. This presentation has gone a long way in helping me understand children with early childhood trauma: czcams.com/video/967Ckat7f98/video.html.
Same thing. I think not every therapist know how to explain like this person.
you just described me......I am so triggered by being ignored!
I think that only psychotherapist who survived abondonment and anxiety can be a good therapist. Going to the therapist who has no emotions, empathy or who have had really good childhood and parents , it is like going to learn a sport with a coach who learned everything about that sport just in the books.
"For a child to feel wanted the mother has to be happy the most to be emotionally present"
Those are some powerful words there. Such a complex life experience, yet explained in a way that you can understand instantly.
I feel so guilty 🥺I'm not even available when my kids needed me the most because I am so in deep with the pain I am experiencing.
And yet there are people who think women are not oppressed anymore advocating for men's rights
@@nessahfisher5325 All one can do is do their best one step at a time to improve and do the best they can in the given moment. By improve, I mean become a better mother slowly, by working on your own mental health in any way you can. We can't expect perfection of traumatized adults, but we can expect them to do everything in their power to change what's causing harm and cause less harm going forward. Progress is possible. Lessening the continued hurting of your children is possible. Apologizing and owning what you've done wrong directly to your kids can be one of the most powerful and impactful and amazingly healing things for your guilt and for your kids' healing journey too.
@@Antaeres you just told everyone not to worry about men, we're not important, we have no troubles.
It's that kind of talk which forms part of the basis for men's rights' existence.
We hear "fuck men, who cares about them, women are the ones who are oppressed" is just oppressing and abandoning men to get the point across that women feel oppressed.
Serves us right though I guess... We should just take the abuse and be expected not to bite back.
@@Antaeres In the U.S. the women are the farthest from oppressed in the world. Women have all the choices when it comes to marriage and children, initiate overwhelming majority of divorces, and get preferential treatment in family court. There isn't a single benefit men have that women don't in this country, yet there is a laundry list of rights and benefits that are for women only. When it comes to reproductive choices alone, women have nearly a dozen choices while men have 2 (condom or abstinence).
A beautiful mind, who's aware of the real issues facing humanity.
yeah absolutely! It's just so refreshing and wise. I'm so glad I have found this mans work/words.
Well I was adopted at about 1. No memories of that Wonderful adopted life My natural mother who I traced after my parents death was completely cold to me apparently hid my birth. And then got on with her life and other 4children. Am I traumatised no I was the lucky one. Harry needs to get a life
@@fionabromby4546 quite judgmental of you. you have no right to tell someone else how to manage their trauma. he utilized his experience to help many many people. have you done the same?
I agree
I love hearing that narcissists aren't bad people, just unhealed. That term is thrown around so easily and we all need more grace instead of judgement. This was excellent. I empathize with the pain you felt as an infant. It's truly remarkable to pass that empathy onto your mother and to see all of the patterns in the big picture. Beautiful soul, thank you for your story.
It doesn't really matter whether they have their own pain and back story. It's not a child's job to reassure and love a parent. All adults can work on their wounds. Children can't.
People with narcissistic personality disorder manipulate and devastate the people closest to them. They lie, cheat and potentially discard the people closest to them. Yes the word narcissist is thrown around…but if we trade narcissist for someone who has unacceptable behavior.. maybe we need to stop enabling and looking away from their bad behaviors. By enabling toxic behaviors we are part of the problem. Lying, cheating, verbal abuse, silent treatment, gaslighting, word salad and not answering a question…NOT OKAY! Bad behavior does not need grace..they need to be held accountable.
"We all need more grace instead of judgment ",that was beautiful, well said,thank you for that , you beautiful person
I must confess, I will have trouble in my healing years accepting that first statement, as I was deeply psychologically damaged by my NPD ex from ages 15-20. While I agree, I don’t think I can ever trust them again, even if I see change, and even if I can sympathize.
Lol as a victim of a narcissistic mother due to her trauma and a father who avoided everything... and then going through 2 narcissist ex husband's... I can say that if you, as an adult, take out your childhood pain by abusing others, you are a bad person. You know that you are hurting someone but don't care because you were hurt at one point and chose to stay there instead of heal.
I struggle with this 46 years later...my mom was mad at my dad for getting another woman pregnant. The other woman gave birth to my brother three weeks before I was born. When I was two my mother left me and my brother with my father's side of family and never came back unless she wanted money. Years later she came back with two other children she had by my father and raised them but never came back for me and my brother. I'm now a single mothers my daughter's father had twins three months before my daughter was born and I'm raising my brothers daughter who i adopted as a single mother. Doing the best I can and giving them all that I never got
💞💞💞💞💞💌✨️🍀
I am sorry to hear what you have been through. I hope things get better. The people who are dependent or near to you are blessed to have you in their lives. 🙂😇
That hurts to read. For what it's worth....I'm very sorry. The God in me senses 🙏 the God in you. 👋 Namaste 🙏 ♥️ n ✌️
What a wise precious attitude. May all good things come to you.
My♥️....why a Mother would do this to two beautiful Souls. I don't know . Your amazing raising your niece.🌈🌿🌈
For my only son , who will n3ver read this . Losing your father, my husband suddenly, and whilst carrying you was traumatic . I was deep,y hurt, upset, angry and lonely ….to this day 26 years ago I feel a sense of guilt. Though I insisted on being a stop home mum..it was just YOU and I . Very few people / family showed compassion ..I was desperately unhappy and traumatised for most of your childhood years ..trying desperately to hold it in..to smile was almost impossible… I loved you then, though it probably wasn’t always obvious…I just had my own childhood abandonment issues, even though I had both parents present….I was always never good enough …felty unloved and disrespected. I AM SO SORRY you had to see all that pain in my eyes . You’ve turned out a fine young man in every way ….I AM PROUD, unbelievably proud as would be your father ❤️
So much love! Thank you for sharing ❤
i really hope he finds this love letter..God bless you❤🙏❤️
Trauma informed educators like Gabor truly are modern heroes.
Dr. Gabor Mate was the first person my older brother ever trusted. My brother endured a very traumatic childhood filled with
intense physical violence emotional abuse . He healed my brother. G-d bless you DR. Gabor Matte. My older brother is IKE and he had nothing but respect for you.
Dr. Gabor unmatched 😊✌💯
I wish my brothers would be open to hearing any of this We are estranged and from a highly traumatizing violent house. Their children are suffering
@@karenflowers9611 So sorry. Love & light x
He is such a nice man - and a good doctor.
@@karenflowers9611 Hopefully the child protection team has been alerted to the situation in the house.
Sitting at school on the parking lot and eating lunch before class and I’m completely heavy. I’ve been dealing with trauma from rejection for a few years now. No, my childhood wasn’t great but survived it. But I can’t seem to get out of this “survival mode” then as he said “anger” or “rage” become my posture when people don’t understand me or when I feel like God isn’t answering me. The tears are falling like bullets and I’m trying to force myself to stop but the pain pierce me. Im 29 and wanted this healing process to be over because I feel like it’s taking over my life.
It’s just beginning, hang in there 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾
Hi, please watch more videos with gabor and there are other therapists and stuff on youtube such as Bessel van der Kolk. I also appreciate Dr Drew but I grew up listening to him on the radio - he has good advice on overcoming addictions. Reading books on it will give way to deeper understanding yet. My biggest recommendation for now is good diet, exercise/walking in nature and one of the most important is meditation. Please learn about mindfulness meditation, sometimes called vipassana.
I am sorry about your trauma from rejection...life is difficult but with some positive influences you can become overall stronger than someone who never had trauma and a more sensitive better person as well.
Sweet Parris. There is a saying I take comfort in, "when the student is ready the teacher will appear". You are already witness to profound wisdom in a man who has spent decades preparing for your and my questions about how and why we are showing up
in the world in ways that cause us pain .
There are many many other teachers/guides/therapists on the web who answer this question, too. This man in my opinion puts it all together in a way
I have not found before but the answers and solutions ARE THERE FOR YOU NOW. I encourage you to set aside time daily to listen to every vid this guy has about childhood trauma.
Then do vid searches for childhood
trauma, and see what others say about turning things around.
You are ready and you HAVE BEEN HEARD. The table is set and there is an abundance of the help you requested. Have a serving or two every day!
@@c.j.9141 Thanks for this post it was helpful to me as I am now learning about how my childhood trauma affected me years and decades later. So far I have found this gentlemen's videos very helpful, but I have only seen a few.
I also watched Dr Conti with Andrew Huberman which was ok but felt a little superficial and so Mate seems more useful for me. One last doctor I have run into that also has decades (like 40 years) experience learning this material is the dutch psychiatrist called Bessel van der Kolk. He seems pretty cool/nice/intelligent. You mentioned Mate is your favorite, do you have any other therapists/doctors/books you feel are very helpful? Thanks for any insight.
After 60 years I am finally understanding PTSD/ADHD-IT from family and generational trauma. Videos/books by Dr Mate and Dr Joe Dispenza, plus Crappy Childhood Fairy's videos are extremely helpful.
Well.....This explains why i'm nearly 51 and never had a stable relationship.
This is how my mother abandoned my brother and I- let’s play hide and seek she said- we were in the house, we kept looking all day and night. We were 5 and 3. Never saw her again. Which is a blessing in disguise. She locked us in wardrobes(amongst other terrible things) and my brother taught me to breath through the key hole. I was two at this point. No relationships, a couple of friends that’s all I can cope with. Im happy now, learned to live and control ( well not quite fully) my emotions.
Wow, this makes so much sense. Plus our society is becoming more and more disconnected from infants, children, each other, through electronics into a virtual reality. Back to fundamental concept of stress response and adaptation; fight like narcissist or flight like a co dependent. Same wounds just different approach.
Narcissists can’t ever hear “NO” while the codependent can’t ever say “NO”.
Most kids get put into Daycare as an infant or baby until they enter school. Dropped off every morning for 9 hours a day with a group of needy infants and babies - putting their needs pretty low on the list. Abandonment and neglect on a daily basis. A cycle.
Well said nail on the head both of you🙏
I worked in school & preschool, daycare.
It took its toll on me because the children i worked with were from backgrounds of lower income and parents who come from war torn countries or poor backgrounds, usually no formal education.
These children's needs were 10 higher than the one child from the ethnicity of the so called natives of this country, they were restless & you could see in their eyes the lights were turned off. They already had a rough bumpy start from the day they were born....not to mention they get worse treatment from their peers AND teachers because their status is lower due to being an immigrant, poor and no educational help from home. The parents are trying to accomodate to the new country, culture and kearning language but feel inadequate and helpless, so unf they deoend on the school educqtional system to help their children where they cannot.
I speak from first hand experience since i myself was one of these kids, but also seeing how the system is already against the "helpless weaker" members of our society.
My dream has akways been to be a atay at home mother and tend to and care for my children & husband, so that I can do what gives me love, joy & meaning, peace & harmony in family, being able to be fully present with my husband & children.
Unf the ppl in power want to wipe family constellation out, because they know we are weaker alone, so they increase standards for living, that forces ppl to either live poorly or both oarebts to work, ecen several jobs for some, forcing the mother to work which crashes the wellbeing and balance of all for a good stable family home and a prosperous society with happy ppl.
They dont want that, because they cant profit from us and they cant control us that easily either when we are a unit (the happy harmonious family with good moral family values).
@@debbY100 another thing to add, first hand experience is that the workload has become bigger, less staff, undereducated ppl underpaid ppl, so the ones working are doingvthe bare minimum in order to survice themselves, in order to have e etgy for themselves after work for their own life or fanily.
When the focus has unf vern from having to poduce and reach certain goals in the daycare curriculum for learning, unfortunately that causeq stress for the workers and they cant be the nurturer or learn the basic stuff for wellbeing, they have to do projects with children, taje photos, record everything document, a lot of projecting, from the age of 1.
The focus has gone from happy fun times for the children yo ve able to play and learn nadic stuff, to having to become producers and indoctrinated into having to "do" all the time.
I felt terrible for not even bei g able to bond with the children, to show them nurture love and care, and i was scolded at by my colleagues for giving them too much love and hugs and helping them with things. I've worked in many different areas and places and most were the same. The colleagues too, very authoritarian.
Now I've got my own **** to deal and handle with and am completely checked out, and looking for a job where i can be alone so that i can pick myself up again.
Absolutly
👏
Abandonment trauma!! Felt unwanted since a child. Marriage & bought a house then came kids, grandkids,great gchildren & amazing dog named Pappy. I had 35 yrs of being wanted by all. Then April 25th 2010, Pappy my dog which was my child as well 😢 had heart attack went to heaven. Then 2015 my husband started traveling to find work, found him on Facebook entertaining alot of ppl but never mentioned he was married. I filed for divorce in 2017 & had to sale the house & kids were grown up moved to other states. I moved to a different town now living alone. Seldom do I hear from any of my kids. My so called life partner is on his second GFriend took him no time to replace me. I found new friends they know nothing about them, I tuned off all my emotions the only way I can survive it seems. Totally alone but still standing & just go thru each day finding peace if it comes great if I have off day just go outside take walks enjoy nature. I don't watch or have a tv or go very many places just errands. I had my mother till Dec.17th 2022, she went to heaven 🙏 now I truly am alone. Lost everything so I get up everyday try to find happiness even if it's just to watch the sun rise up or go down. My message is this, find peace within urself for nobody is here to make us happy find it within you🌵🌹💕 0:52
I pray Jesus heals your wounds❤
@@racheloshaksmusic Thk u 🙏 so very much prayers are always welcomed🌵🌹
❤❤❤❤❤ real shit
❤❤❤❤
be thankful of those 35 years and find in and around you the connectedness you need. I found out for me: feeling through everything, every feeling coming up, and staying till it dissolves, ist the direct way to find out that you are free. Takes time, maybe a lifetime, but will show you the way of your own instead of outside gurus or therapists, who want to heal you - you are already good and you can stay and support yourself - all the best for you!
I found him a few months ago and I wish I had found him years ago. I finally was able to understand myself because of him. I’m so grateful! Thank you Dr Mate for your wisdom 💜
Same
Divine timing
Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.
Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!
Yes, dr.sporessss. I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.
I wish they were readily available in my place.
Microdosing was my next plan of care for my husband. He is 59 & has so many mental health issues plus probable CTE & a TBI that left him in a coma 8 days. It's too late now I had to get a TPO as he's 6'6 300+ pound homicidal maniac.
He's constantly talking about killing someone.
He's violent. Anyone reading this Familiar w/ BPD know if it is common for an obsession with violence.
Is he on instagram?
Yes he is. dr.sporessss
" the stress of our mothers programs our brains". Yes! My brother died prior to me being born & my mum was depressed. Now I finally get it 🙏
This explains so much for me personally, but, now I'm guilt ridden for my children. Awareness is key. Insight is healing.
❤
This connection to ADHD is stunning
Dude this explains a lot. Confirms I'm better off alone too.
Well I'm male at 47. I was abused physically n emotionally, neglected by both parents, and abandoned by my dad. We don't all get the same start, so be aware when casting judgment on others.
I suffer from the fear of rejection, abandonment and ignorance. This is because I was homeless once, for a short period of my life. This has left a lot of trauma in me and it still affects me. My father also grew up with no father, and during WW2. Because he never had a father figure growing up, he never was much interested in me. I was also in an abusive relationship for 11 years and almost died. When I am around people and they do not talk to me much, it hurts me a lot. I have never had my own friends and it is a wish of mine to make some.
Yes. I suffer from the same thing. It has been brought to my attention by a
therapist that it may be co-dependency from early childhood trauma. I understand the pain of having someone ignore you which quickly leads to insecurities and feelings of a lack of self worth. My remedy has been prayer and accepting that Jesus can guide and help me in times of distress.
@@johnthibodeaux5287 I pray a lot too, and I exercise. Running helps my mental health.
Sending you some love and support!
@@highlandlove Thank you so much.
As a society we need to recognize and learn that our brains are not even fully developed until age 25 but we’re having children at a much much younger age I feel like this problem needs to be addressed
My parents had me at 18 , it's effected me greatly im 50 now and realizing the depth of it all especially my father committed suicide at age 36 ( today is the 33rd anniversary gone ) and this video magically appeared . The pain of my fathers abandonment and my mother raising me so young ( barely ) all of it combined is too much to bare .
Agreed
I don't think it's the age of the child having a child. I think it's the lack of family/tribal support that we don't have in the US. Maybe the native Americans could have taught us something back in the day if we'd have be open and listened 🤷♀️
@@HoszHosz Thank you for sharing a bit of your story.
My parents raised me in their thirties i came out late so they probs raised my brothers a bit earlier in their twenties... 💀
The 70’s destroyed our family. Divorce tore the hearts out of my brother and I in so many ways. My brother is now lost to suicide and my alcohol use was a slow suicide… because now I have been brought to recognize that my little self was trying so badly to deal with the loss and sense of loss of protection and the intact family. The rest of our family all succumbed to divorce and separation so there is no family now… no connection to cousins, our family history, where we are now… only me… and now my own intact family that traffics in understanding trauma, CPTSD, the importance of being genuine with our weakness and pain; we now pour our hearts into each other and seek to speak to our spirits as opposed to our left over trauma responses. It has been so hard, but we have stopped the cycle and are preparing our children to be prepared for life’s hardships.
My life is so beautiful now. In spite of death, loss, pain, life is so utterly beautiful and amazing. This all has made me able to have compassion to the worst off in the world.
I don’t think you would have liked the old me very much.
Wow !!!! I totally understand this now !!!! Thank you ❤️. I have severe abandonment issues ( emotional abandonment ) . I push People away (detach) before they have a chance to "abandon" me. It's lonely, but it is how I cope. I understand it better now.
Why has it taken me 64 years to discover this wise man ?
It's because he was working in a full time job and wasn't yet talking publicly, you couldn't have done better.
For the same reason it took me 70yrs.
Destiny 😊. You were destined to come across Dr Maté now; not before, not after, but now.
Hope you benefit from him and have a better life.
Omg I saw myself in this man. This short video fully displayed myself, my irrational behaviors. It's a true gift.
@@jillybe1873 “it’s” doesn’t come before because. Have a nice day.
Abandonment is rough, I am currently healing from a stage of grief.
I read about this and how Indians held their babies and how cribs were not around. So I ignored the main stream and slept with my baby in my armpit and he let know when when he was hungry or needed comfort. He just moved and I woke up . I was there and ready for him . We slept on a futon till he was 3ish. The crib wasn't hardly used. The Indians didn't use a crib a aware mother will not roll on her baby. The crib was only used when I was totally tired and didn't trust my awareness. My dad's first born died of crib death. My point is baby's from conception need nurture and shouldn't ever be separated unless necessary. The Indians knew this .
Well, I'm not a psychologist but also suffered traumas from not being wanted (my mother threw herself down the staircase to lose me), survived unharmed. At 8 months old I spent 6 months in a crib as my mother had to work and baby was in the way. Crybaby, was overfed in nursery. My dad was an alcoholic but my mother held the family upright somehow. I am 60+ years later and suffered trauma from loss 15 years ago from spouse which nearly killed me then. I realized it wasn't the first time I was abandoned. I realized that all my life I was afraid of people and kept them away from me, even though people like me (initially). I am a loner. I am a caretaker or caregiver. I have 2 boys with an ADHD father who is emotionally unavailable, more than me. Both boys cope incredibly well. With boy 2 I have a close relationship. I am aware of my problems, so I try to be available. Most available I am for my dog, I have to say. I love my boys and my dog and am learning to love myself. But I am still afraid of people and will not let anybody get close. I am content like that. If I am with people for say an evening it stresses me as I feel flooded with their emotions/feelings. I need lots of time to myself, lots of nature and calm and quiet. I don't know who I am what being somebody actually is. I live for the day, daydream since my early life, and it gets me through life. My "ADHD" is feeling guilty all the time but also creating situations to make me feel guilty. Mostly it's overeating. I spent my life dieting losing weight on and off. Currently I am slim but my first thought is food, food, food. Every second of my life. So there.
Oh wow I struggle w the same feelings when around other people it feels like they drain me but I am happier ever since I gave my life to Christ and was saved are u saved are u a believer of Christ I guarantee u it will transform you and set you free from what I felt were chains all the years I felt alone now even if I am alone (also a widow but have 5 children one married and expecting ❤️)I know I’m not alone because first and foremost knowing the Holy Spirit is in me and that the love and mercy of Christ and our beloved father God surrounds me just makes me feel so safe secure and I have PEACE ❤️🙏God bless and keep u safe always beautiful sister ‼️❤️🙏
Very much the same
Everybody trying to heal trauma and pain, I highly recommend reading one or both of the two following books: Home coming by John Bradshaw and CPTSD: surviving to thriving by Pete Walker. Both books touch on the matter doctor Gabor Mate discussed and much much more. But most importantly they are an extremely valuable resource for healing the (generational) trauma that you had to deal with as a truly innocent being. You can heal from the trauma, shame, fear of abandonment, feeling worthless, unlovable, unable to feel deep connectedness, love and happymess.
You must heal yourself through griefwork to come to terms with the past and what was missed, therapeutic practices to restore the hurt, pain, fear, shame. All of this is explained in detail in the books I mentioned. Much love from the Netherlands
Thank you. I will read them. I desperately need to. Not just for me, but for my children who suffer from the trauma that inexperienced as a child. I tried to break the cycle, but listening to Gabor, I see that I didn’t. There is so much healing to be done.
Thankyou so very much.
Also books by Peter Levine, Bessel vander Kolk, Robert Scaer on childhood developmental trauma
Just a warning when doing Bradshaw workbooks, if you must beat yourself up, use only a feather and not a 2x4. Its worth it, but not easy, pleasant or wanted at times. Don't give up !!!! I got stuck after haertfelt enthusiasm propelled me early in my work w Bradshaw.
We heal. One day at a time. It takes time.
I saw my mother having a stroke when I was 3 and then she went to hospital for close to three years during which my dad was busy stretching himself to work and feed us. After she was back - physically, my dad was arrested for politcal reasons and went to prison for 4 years during which we didnt have any food nor anything to live decently. I think its around that time I started to dissociate heavily while becoming a high achiever. Till this day I am learning how to express my emotions. Recently I broke the heart of the person that I love because of this. He on the other hand is an anxious by nature ... great video. I wish anyone in this comment section to heal and find their way truly.
God bless you
once he started on the story at the airport i broke down sobbing. i know its true, but when he speaks i can FEEL the truth of our experience and feel seen and real more than an ADHD diagnosis has ever made me feel. AND working on this, emotional processing in the brain, has helped me so much more than any meds ever have. i owe my life to people like dr mate, and myself
Been given to a stranger because mother doesn't know if she'll be alive the next day doesn't mean she doesn't love you. It possibly meant she loved you more than her life itself.
Of course it did, he knows that, he said as a baby he only knew she was gone. That was the most selfless thing she could have done. If I'd had to pass my baby to a stranger, my heartbreak would have killed me. Also not knowing if this stranger was worthy. OMG so much pain and trauma for so many people on this planet, why? Why are we here? It's too much.
Thank you for pointing that out.
Very interesting! I'd noticed a huge rise in autism about 15 years ago, and abandonment issues in myself and others. My guess is that this will get worse the more electronically connected we are, just from lack of physical connection. We need each other.
I stopped future suffering by not having children myself. I can safely say that broke the cycle
The sad reality of not having children is that you will just be the responsibility of strangers in a nursing home when you're old.
You just shifted the responsibility around but its certainly not alleviated.
@@Excel_In_Life_Faith its less selfish to expect someone who doesn't know you to do it?
Like i said you just shift the responsibility around but it doesn't go away.
You'll still be someone's burden eventually and it might as well be people that actually love you.
@@Excel_In_Life_Faith I've worked in a nursing home caring for 20 residents at once for $12/hr
If you think that's more fair than asking their family to do it you are looney.
Yeah just pawn your elderly off on the help who cares right?
@@ChristinaFromCZcams Sadly, having children does not mean that they will see you in old age. No guarantees... Especially if they have unresolved issues around how they were parented or not.
That 11 minute video has answered 40 years of questions, helping me to understand. Thank you so much.
Wow. Its amazing to hear that. Glad it helped you
Sir, I have never heard what has fucked my whole family up and what I have been fighting to fix in my own children stated so eloquently. You are an inspiration.
I just went through this with my sister at the market. I told her I was going to look at something and when I went back to where she was, she was gone. I started to feel the panic rise but was able to calm myself and rationalize that I would find her, go wait by the car, or call her and that it would be fine. Even as a middle aged woman, the abandonment from my mother as a small child is so deeply ingrained it’s hard to escape.
Completely agree ❤
Reading this just gave me a big aha moment about a how not being picked up very late or if at all from my sports consistently my mom triggered me actually because she abandoned me as a 3 year old to a neighbor for a short time but the fear and pain were immense and life lasting
His face, his voice, his mind, his emotions, his language are all so captivating. Big respect.
My mother told me that she didn’t want me when I was 13 after years of physical and verbal abuse. I still hurt all the time and it’s now physically affecting me.
You are loved by the one who made you in her womb.
The creator of the universe adores you dearly ....God Almighty.
He is the perfect parent... This is how I encourage myself daily because it is true that even if my father and mother forsake me, God will never leave me.
We may never know or understand why some of our loved ones do some things they do, we can trust and depend on God. He is faithful.
You didn't come from your mother; you came THROUGH her. God the Father knew you before you were even conceived because HE created you. You are meant to be here because HE created you. You can endure years and years of therapy without any resolution if you don't know that. Jesus loves you so much He endured torture and death on a cross for you. Here it is in a nutshell, honey: When you know how much God loves and wants you, it just doesn't matter who else doesn't. I wish you well and God Bless You.
I LOVE YOU
I’m so sorry. Please love yourself in spite of the abuse. You’re worth it. ❤
I had similar issues, I'm not sure if it will help you but I found that Erkhart Tolle's books/talks helped . I wish you the very best. It is a journey and it is sometimes painful, I'd like to offer you peace and love, not as a random statement, but from someone who has managed to travel away from similar issues and has found peace.
This video has just helped me make sense of my life. I’ve struggled with a fear of abandonment for all my life. My reactions to perceived abandonment by my partners over the years are extreme and I genuinely feel like I’m in a life or death situation and I often react accordingly. It’s terrifying for me and I’ve never really understood why. Then one day, my father happened to mention that when I was born, as a result of my mother having difficulties during my birth, I was put straight into a crib and left in a hallway for two hours without any human contact while they tried to save my mum’s life. I think how traumatic it must have been for me as a newborn to have no human contact or nurturing for two hours after birth left alone in a hallway, while apparently there were alarms sounding around me as they tried to save my Mum. Then I watch this video and it all starts to make sense.
Gabor Mate is a gift to this world.
Now Dr. Mate is truly heaven sent! My mind has been open since the first time I heard him speak!
Gabor Mate is a gift to humanity. Thank you for your teaching and sharing with us. I am grateful to know of you even if it is merely in a digital way.
My mom came from divorced parents. Each parent got one child. She was sent to her dad who sent her to his aunt. That fear of “abandonment and not being wanted” is so true. And passed on to the rest of us. I never could connect that “generational trauma” topic before until THIS video. It’s a real eye opener.
As an adopted child as a baby into a family that preferred their flesh and blood daughter to me who was 8 years older, this explains how I have always felt alone and being thrown away. They offered no support system, didn't care about any accomplishment I ever had, was never good enough. The NHS, varsity sports, Dean's list in college while the other child failed out of college, and still lives off my parents money with her husband and two kids. I have PCOS, Depression, Anxiety and I am very ready to heal but I still have no support system (unless I pay for one). How does one heal from the abandonment?
This video meant so much to me, but this simple comment of yours meant even more. I've been in psychotherapy for 4 years, doing gentle emdr, and discovered over time that I have autism, adhd and PCOS, alongside obvious things like C-PTSD, depression, anxiety. It's heartbreaking to realise that so much of what the doctors are taught is basically wrong. My PCOS is something I'm struggling massively with. I know so much about it but it's the thing I hate most. How are you managing it?
The NHS didn't help me either, I failed education, no support for years. I just see myself in Gabor and you. There's something so beautiful about knowing people relate. It's validating and reassuring to read your comment and see I've never been alone. My heart goes out to you and your pain, and money struggles. Without money things truly feel impossible, but people have and always will adapt to that and find a way out without the money, we're resilient that way. Do you not get much support from your husband? Friends?
@@kylaszone Hello, similarly to the both of you I have adhd, ptsd, pcos, and a plethora of other things! One place I found support for my PCOS was actually on the sub-reddit. There are thousands of people who suffer from it, yet have found ways to manage it, "cure" it, or have beat the symptoms enough to live normal lives and have families.
Something that helps me a lot is regular exercise, as in resistance training and weight lifting, and practising mindfulness. Eating better, working out, and trying live a life is difficult with unmedicated adhd - but recognising where I'm failing myself mentally and pushing past my own barriers/ speaking to my inner child has been really beneficial to me. I hope this is semi-helpful!
i think maybe you need to be the parent that you never had for your inner kid. unless developed naturally, there is no support system, we're all we've got to ourselves - we learn this from an early age, yes? take care of your needs and express them, after learning what they are
Your story is sad and it was injustice, and I believe you need to find a compassionate listener who can understand and unconditionally love you. It also helped me to find really deep spiritual roots in myself (not from my family).
My story is similar...and i will never heal. To damaged. Beyond repair.
Our souls remember the past and also are aware of energies currently going on.
The "indistinct" at 8:50 is "Thich Nhat Hanh", also known as the father of mindfulness. Great accompaniment to Gabor's works imo
Came here to say exactly this @Pandan cake
When I was 9 months old my mother was hospitalized for severe mania. I understand doc.
I am thankful for you, Gabor. So thankful.
I saw the title and didn’t really want to listen to this. I was put in an orphanage in Germany right after my birth in 1953, this was so insightful and revealing to me and clarifying as to why i function in many of the ways i function. Thank you so much for this clip. How do i move forward with all of the self develop t teachings. That i have spent my entire adult life focusing on to have a great focus and be fulfilled. Certin all something for me to ponder. Most of all thank you very much!
I remember being in school and I couldn't absorb anything. Adhd too. But I noticed it got so much worse when my parents divorced and my father committed suicide, it was like my brain just shut down all emotions, reactions everything. But it also made it much more difficult to learn anything new. For the longest time I thought there was something truly truly wrong. This video is highly educational. I live in Vancouver too and I would love to go to one of his seminars. Every video I've watched is accurate, impressive!
He hit the nail in the bloody head.
I was sent to military boarding school while I was barely 12 years old. I endured all kinds of bullying and beating there is. I REMEMBER getting tuned out when they beat me with sticks and stuff and it didn't hurt at that time because I zoned out. Because of being a little bit overweight, I was being ridiculed 24/7 being called words like pregnant and shit and what now. Now I have severe abandonment issues because I had absent parents for those times when I needed them the most and now whenever my partner doesn't respond to me properly or just gives me a little less attention, I snap and go into a rage. Apart from that I've been diagnosed with anxiety and Major depressive disorder. Living each day trying to survive self hatred. Thank you Dr Gabor Mate for letting me finally realize what went wrong :)
It has been helpful to understand that anyone I felt attacked by was probably just living out their own trauma... consequently in my direction. What they might have done had less to do with me than with what was going on within them. The depths to which I often felt disrespected or attacked was a depth that the other person really knew little to nothing about. I was the one assigning it to my core, not them. I've had to realize that I was pre-positioned to internalize negativity because of events from my childhood and what I imagined them to mean. Being abandoned by my father and mother and being raised by a religious grandmother who disapproved of her daughter and the origin story of her grandson put me in a position to believe that I was worthy of rejection and needed to reject myself and become someone else in order to be loveable, worthy and accepted. To know God for myself and understand that I as well as my fellow human beings are awesomely made and endowed with limitless potential but are living with a distortion principle that causes us to engage in self destruction, unless we have divine guidance and assistance, and to know that the Creator has implemented a program of adoption, redemption and "elevation" which turns all of my past trauma into potential wellsprings of wisdom and understanding... frees me from the idea of bondage to my past or the distortions that plague the world.
You have such a positive, compassionate, understanding view of what has happened! I think you will go a long way with your approach. Take care of yourself and all the best.
@@barbsmart7373 Thank you for your kind comment. I'm reminded that the education is in the life journey. The textbook is just the introduction. God is the Absolute and the void is a perceptual distortion, but sadly to many their perception is reality. God bless.
Beautifully written 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾
My father abandoned my family when I was 4 along with my 4 siblings. My mother then became a workaholic to support all of her children alone and became unavailable and stressed. This was stressful for me as a child as well. I'm so glad to hear these lectures from Dr. Mate. It really helps me understand myself and my response to what happened.
Brilliant Insightfulness…The emotional shaping of the child’s brain is hugely impacted by the emotional care of the parent and environment in which it’s raised in. This shapes how we respond and react in the now, as our emotional outlook is governed by our past. People get so stuck in Life, in blaming others for causing their pain- it’s a wound from our Past, that takes ownership we’re all imperfect…… To understand this creates an open mind and perspective, to learn we heal to heal we’re free, a beautiful gift in Self awareness and Self Love…We all have a voice, we’re no longer a child…free from the past a more peaceful way of Living and Seeing Life….Dr Gabor in some way or another can touch everyone, a Priceless Gift . Grateful ❤
I didnt have these things growing up from my parents, and regrettably, it seems as of right now, my emotional instabilities have had a negative impact on my young children.
As an adult child of alcoholic parents. I find this information to be very useful.
I wrote a novel called Perdido and I based the emotional structure of the novels' premise on three areas of our lives we experience which cause great reflection and pivot us. These three experiences are Abandonment, Loss, and Approval. All three we experience and all three are very dramatic and lead us to choices we wouldn't otherwise make.
Tried searching for your novel. Where would I buy it?
Thank you very much! Now I understand better myself. 66 years old. Better late than never.
Koszonom szepen💝
I grew up in a family where I was the youngest of 4 kids. My dad left when I was 5, never really knew him and he died when I was 12. My mom had no money but worked as hard as she could to provide. She met a man and he lived with us 10 years or so. He was never a father figure to any of us. He wasn’t violent or anything, just didn’t have any connection at all. He found his father dead when he was 15. His emotional trauma must have been horrific. I came home one night from a friend’s house and found him dead on our front lawn from a heart attack. All my life I’ve had issues with emotional connection. Really letting people know who I truly am. Maybe I don’t know who I am sometimes. I do know that I genuinely love people, maybe not myself but I don’t know why. I don’t play victim through my life. I could only imagine people w/ way worse situations. I’ve worked, stayed away from addictions. But fuck do I feel just completely empty most of my life.
I'm so greatful for this speach cause i felt it was me you was talking about. Since i was a little baby my mom left me to others cause her husband was a sailor and she was so depressed so she couldn't think that her child needed her more. So i lived in a horror movie whole my childhood that i was the only person on the planet cause i felt i lived outside this world and had noone who held me when i was crying,sick,afraid etc ( when my father was at home he abused me and i was neglected totally and beaten up all bloody very often cause i was to needy of attention) . Now after 55 years i got the diagnos Complex PTSD and will get trauma theraphy thanks god. What i don't understand is why you say you have ADHD when you actually have PTSD? and complex one.
Adhd is more than CPTSD, the affected child's brain doesn't develop optimally (as it normally should). He talks about this extensively in his book on ADHD.
I agree- I definitely believe there's a link between ADHD/autism "symptoms" and trauma that is passed down through epigenetic changes.
Epigenetics is so fascinating and real. I come from an extremely long line of combat veterans, prisoners of war, widows, orphans, and other traumatized folks so I was like OK, that explains why my anxiety and hypervigilence are off the charts and always have been, despite living a relatively cushy existence. I would encourage anyone to loom into this topic. "It Didn't Start With You"
I was very fortunate in one way! My mother and father worked in logging camps! My father was a bush pilot and WW11 veteran! My mother was a Lakota teacher and marriage between Native Americans and NonNative was forbidden so my father whisked us away from South Dakota to the interior of British Columbia, the Yukon and Alaska! I was an only child and the only child in the camps for around 10 - 11 yrs! I was literally raised by nature! We had 2 working dogs - A golden lab and shepherd, a Percheron workhorse, a bay 1/4 quarter horse, a Holstein milk cow, and a Bob Cat that became my constant companion! I feared nothing and no one but I knew intrinsically that something was very wrong with my mother! She was deeply afraid of anything associated with the government having lived through residential school! Thankfully I had a very close relationship with our family of animals and a wonderful Irish lady who tutored and cared for me from the age of about 18 months until my 10 th birthday! Her husband had been a student of my father who was considered a Flight Louie in Canada and a Major in the US! He was an instructor and was a Canadian W.A. Sherman but had to an American rank to teach! A pilot in the air and a Major on the ground! RCAF/USAF ! Dr. Gabor has indeed hit the proverbial nail on the head!
👵🏽✌🏾🦅☀️🦅 Interestingly or whatever, I am a Clinical Therapist and Social Worker having worked in Aboriginal/Criminal Justice for over 40+ years- Semi retired and in my 70’s! I simply cannot afford to not work but I love what I do! Followed Dr. Gabor Mate and his son Arron and incredible journalist and TruthTeller for years! Incredible humans and Canadians! Gabor has helped many people and for that I am most thankful! 💚💚💚
🙏🏻Thank you for this- deep appreciation from UK🙏🏻
I’m 58 yrs with 2 autoimmune diseases and BPD, CPTSD etc. Whilst growing up my avoidant, critical, Bipolar Dad caused a lot of stress and unhappiness for me and my two brothers. My Mum sadly wasn’t very aware and hence an enabler. I’m trying EMDR therapy plus newer online therapy courses which have all helped on this continual healing journey. Thanks again for this and God bless everyone here x x
My goodness. I understood every word, not only understand it with my mind but my heart understood. I felt it true to the bones. 😢
This breaks my heart. I often think about how verbally and physically abusive my dad was towards my mom during her pregnancy with my little brother. After too. My mom has so much trauma from her own childhood, only to be repeated in her own life.
My little brother is now a troubled 19 year old, I can just see the pain in his eyes when I look at his childhood photos... my heart hurts so much for my mom and for him.
I know my dad is facing trauma of his own, he never speaks about any of it, but how could you hurt your own family...
Abandonment can also occur when you realize - years and years later - that the parent you INCORRECTLY idolized actually NEVER protected you from harm from the other (more obviously abusive) parent out you through. I grew up with one parent with overt narcissism and borderline personality disorder, and the other with covert narcissism - those personality disorders are REALLY sneaky. But when you realize that that BOTH of your parents should have protected and guarded your precious wellbeing and chose not to (and I understand they had their own mental illness, but when you sign up to be a parent, you don't have the luxury of forgoing proper treatment of your child - but when you realize that you were not protected, phew - THAT is a day your don't forget - and also a day you sustain a totally unexpected blow of abandonment - one you never even really knew was there or saw coming. As adults, luckily - we can take care of ourselves and love ourselves like we should have been as little kids. Peace, healing and love to all of you - blessed be. 🌻☀ And thank you, Dr. Maté - you are a BEACON of hope for so many of us that are lost - and also those of us that are no longer lost because of people like you. ♥💜💕
Well said! The second blow you didn’t see coming
Totally resonate with this, I was 19 when I properly realised my mum wasn't protecting me from my dad's temper.. Its something I've found very very hard to forgive, especially after I became a parent (just a couple of years later) and couldn't fathom how she didn't instinctual ly feel to protect me. I'm trying hoopopnopono now to dissolve those resentments.
@@finitobonito Good luck with hypno - I've heard great things about it. Yeah it's crazy as we age and learn how incredibly abusive our surroundings were back then. I don't have children - definitely influenced by my childhood and not allowing my parents to ever be able to do to another child what they did to me - but even me being a "parental" figure to my dogs- I never would ever think of doing anything that ever did anything but make them feel loved and wanted and happy. Blows my brain apart that people can be that detached from their own flesh and blood. Luckily our awareness makes the best out of a horrible situation. That's why I'm so humbled and grateful for Dr. Maté. Truly wishing you the very best on your journey to the self love and realization of the beauty that lies within and outside of you. And your children are lucky to have a present and thoughtful mother, as well!! 💕❤️
Incredible. I wish more people knew this!
Cure hurt and pain with kindness. Always show love, even to those that dont show it to you. Break the cycle, be the change that you want to see.
Thank you for this. 25 years of trying to explain or understand what happened to my son, 50 years of trying to understand what happened to me, compassion for my parents and even my ex - all in this brief explanation. Amazing.
The way that your candid and raw depicted life experiences touched me in a way I couldn't avoid understanding, you gave cognition to chaos that I had been battered by inside and externally invisible to the average set of eyes, yet I feel so hopeful and confident in the fact that expression is the first mindfully aware sentiment I have to heal from invisibility and a prison sentence for my existence
All of this is so true!! I find it really hard to express myself bc I was so shut down, disassociated as a child. It’s not easy to say what I feel.
Makes so much sense! My recent relationship I constantly searched for ways to proven she didn’t want me(my mom had abandoned me) now I’m so aware of this and the feelings caused and how I actually might have pushed her away, for days I’ve been thinking if i want to become a country music singer or going to school to become a psychologist so I can be more useful and people won’t abandon me
Great video. I loved listening to attachment parenting advices when i become a mother.
I walked away from my son .. because i thought it was better for me and him . trauma has overwhelmed me .but the thing is i was a fantastic mother how could i do that ..he was five ..its a long sad story a my upbringing..now im in a state of regret hoping he will find me but horrible people have put massive obstacles and not true things in his head ..its been a long time and im not that far away from him ..i live in my camper now with my dog totally shut off from anyone work hard but lonely in some ways ..in 58 yesterday.. can't or won't have a relationship with anyone..ive found peace in my head and wonder if it should all be left in the past ..thank you for this intelligent in-depth explanation it is so right what you are saying..so clear and correct..
I get lost in my work. Even little tasks that take me outside myself help me to forget. The pain can be too much. I believe that. There are many walked wounded. I just feel get unhinged when I think I am not the person I was born to be.. not achieving my potential ergo a tremendous grief prevails. Wish for a way around this...😒😟
I was feeling really bad and then I stumbled upon this video and it made complete sense . As a child I had an emotionally unavailable father and I was always competing to fit into his family .. my mother use to always be stressed since day 1 of my birth and now that seems to really affect me and I felt as if I had to cope up and be the provider .. but all I long is for nourishment.
Reflection is truly key. Humanity should dare to look deep within, but it should also accept that more than mere physical Reflection is required for true, celestial enlightenment.
"Before I start, I must see my end. Destination known, my mind's journey now begins. Upon my chariot, heart and soul's fate revealed. In Time, all points converge; hope's strength resteeled. But to earn final peace at the Universe's endless refrain, we must see all in nothingness... before we start again."
🐲✨🐲✨🐲✨
--Diamond Dragons (series)
What does nourishment look like for you now?
@@TheInfamousDKMTR just to be held. A sense of belonging and being important. To know you mean something and are important. As someone who wasn’t held or told you was loved, it leaves you wondering if you are lovable and because you never hear it from the ones that were supposed to do it, it leaves you questioning.
Suspicious. Untrusting. Thinking you are unlovable. That’s how I describe the feeling. From me to you all - you are lovable x❤
@@Char333 from me to you ❤️ too
I've been both physically and emotionally abandoned as a kid and adult, I've been an addict most my life, your perspective on trauma is life changing for me...its only been the past few weeks I've found your videos and a few others after searching for yrs of why I am the way I am..
"Compensation for not being wanted, making oneself needed" - what a powerful understanding of this underlying driver of behaviors!
Oh my goodness!!! I’ve dissociated most of my life. Raised by narcissistic mother and father who was her enabler. I was the scapegoat girl and she lied about me to him almost daily…he believed everything she said. I was saddled with majority of household duties while my sister was the golden girl and could do no wrong and lived high up on the pedestal. Your video hits home for me and I thank you for posting it. It helps me. Your other video validates that I need to reacquaint myself with me…doing so, will help me become healthier. Thanks for helping me as I’m on this journey to heal from my horrific childhood.
Fascinating. Makes total sense. 👏👏👏
His words are gospel for me personaly,
Glad this helped you Vladimir
Over the words of Yeshua???? Hmmmmph
When i was a kid after divorce of my parents my father left our family and acted like i don't exist. I am his only child, i was a "dad"-child. He was just gone from one day to another and i was 4 or 5 years old back then. Not much memories of him are left. There were no birthday cards or any signs of interest of him after that. He don't want to pay for me even with a good job at that time.
And this left me with trust issues to this day, low self-esteem, no trust in myself or my talents. I apologise often for things that are not my fault, because i just feel like a burden to others. I dont have real connections with other peoples. My mom is/was kind of narcisstic. (Cut the contact this year) She always hold me down if i didn't do things like she wanted it.
Til this day she find things in me she doesn't like but which are part of my personality. She is expecting me to be like a copy of herself, like a damn puppet. She hates that i wear only back clothes, she don't like my humor or doesn't unterstand it. Like i wear my hair or why i don't wear make up because i look prettier then. I was never how she wanted me to be. I was never enough. She beat me up at a bad day for nothing.There is also a generation trauma ( my grandma was buried under pieces of a house when she was a child in WW2 left with depressions and ptsd) and i am the one who break that cycle of depression and anxciety. I am the only one in my family that was looking out for a therapist to "fix me" or helping me out dealing with all that. I will never have kids because i refuse to open another cycle with bad behavior for. another generation. Kids can get ptsd even if they grow up in a good supportive family never harmed. I don't want that for anyone. It's will end with me, period.
In the past i chose men to be with who treated me bad. Or i fell in love with men who are not emotionally available and things like that. After a longterm relationship with a man with narcisstic behavior i am single for 9 years now. In the meantime i refuse to interact with people who show any shitty behavior and disrespect me in any way. I prefer to stay alone
Yes, Dr. Mate is on point. I have firsthand experience with childhood trauma, "childhood abduction", and I'm trained as an art therapist. Trauma not only resides in the brain but it makes its home in the body as well.
It's a hard thing to swallow that people probably see you in the light of being a narcissist or needy or whatever... And they never wonder where it's coming from.
I've always been curious about these issues and knew there was an answer. But it's just not an answer people want.
It's strange too that people would rather label and throw something out without consideration of how that person might need treatment of some kind.
Pills being pushed on you for a mental disorder brought me some relief in the short term but now it's lead to long term pain.
Worst of all is with abandonment trauma you feel like you are being treated as you think you deserve.
Reflection is truly key. Humanity should dare to look deep within, but it should also accept that more than mere physical Reflection is required for true, celestial enlightenment.
"Before I start, I must see my end. Destination known, my mind's journey now begins. Upon my chariot, heart and soul's fate revealed. In Time, all points converge; hope's strength resteeled. But to earn final peace at the Universe's endless refrain, we must see all in nothingness... before we start again."
🐲✨🐲✨🐲✨
--Diamond Dragons (series)
I was in an incubator for 6 weeks after birth. I tuned out within an imaginary world, and married to escape my mother, he was a narcistic psychopath. Fortunately that broke up after 25 years. Not dead yet, but thank you so much Dr. Gabor. The truth will set us free. From Ireland.
By far one of the most important videos on this site
I feel my heart crying and filling up as I listen to this. Amazingly simple but deep and impactful insight. What work this man has put in to share such realizations that I myself have taken years to grapple and am still coping with. God bless you Dr. Mate. Thank you!
I wonder how being in Daycare from 2 months old to 5 years old does to kids’ brain development. It cannot be good. Your parents drop you off everyday for 9 hours, leaving you in the care of non family members who have a bunch of other babies to deal with. Your needs are put on a “To Do” list for the “care givers”. Scary scary situation.
You have described my life, sir. Father died when I turned five then I spent the next 30 years raising my depressed mother. I am grateful for therapy and those first years. I am accomplished (PhD and former univ prof, published novelist, relatively serene, family baker, etc.) though I doubt I'll ever feel 'good enough.' Couldda been a contendda... kinda tragic.
I'm 22 right now. I realized my story and his match in a way and I never really felt more understood until now. I saw myself as a narcissistic freak; because I desired attention or I spoke too much about my interests. Because of that I have tried to down play my existence by not bothering anyone. Don't make too much noise, don't stress anyone, look how you are affecting everyone, you will be abandoned if you are an inconvenience. These were thoughts in my mind yet I never really understood why. I was adopted by my grandparents who raised me from age 3 to current day. My mother had given me up because she suffered from depression after being sexually assaulted alongside with me in the room. I had also been SA from what I read in her notebook that she left behind for me. Thankfully my grandparents have given me a better life however I've always felt alone. Disconnected and finding myself disassociating so much to just get through my loneliness of not being an inconvenience so I would remain in my grandparents lives.
I felt guilty for feeling this way because I'm so fortunate to have this life. Though yet my fear of abandonment has developed my mental illness and unhealthy lifestyles; but I try to do better and remain mindful of my actions. Take a moment to just breath and think before you act out on your emotions.
Sorry for the rambling, I just wanted to share because I don't feel so alone anymore.