Abandonment Issues | The Signs
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- čas přidán 27. 05. 2024
- In this video, MedCircle host, Kyle Kittleson, and clinical psychologist, Dr Ramani Durvasula, discusses the five signs that you have abandonment issues. Dr. Ramani provides psychology - backed relationship advice on the signs of abandonment issues in relationships in this video. She goes above and beyond answering the question, "what are abandonment issues?"
00:00 Rumination about abandonment
01:01 Strong reactivity at point of departure
02:37 Strong reactivity at point of reunion
04:46 Stickiness in close relationships
05:03 Tries to make themselves "indispensable"
05:28 Anxiety & fear of abandonment
06:07 "Verbalized rumination"
07:31 How to watch more
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#Psychology #MedCircle #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealth #mentalhealthmatters #abandonmentissues #abandonment
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Get actionable tips on how to cope with abandonment issues in exclusive videos from Dr. Ramani: *bit.ly/3i5lVo4*
Why the link doesn't work?
Dr. The link is missing
For those of you who feel like you don't have abandonment issues because you love solitude, news flash, you may have abandonment issues. You prefer not being with other people so you can't be abandoned.
We never get to experience love to its fullest because we're scared of the ending which makes us never get involved in the first place. It's kind of sick when you think about it. We also self sabatoge to avoid being hurt. I'm working through my issues rigorously. 😫
I never really thought that I had abandonment issues but I have broken up with every boyfriend I ever had growing up and divorced my husband because of being afraid of infidelity issues..that's gotta be abandonment issues right?
Speak for yourself and yourself alone, don't push abandonments issues onto someone who does not have them. I might be hurt by the end of a relationship but I have no reason to feel abandoned.
Not even close. I was always told I was not wanted, knew I wasn't loved and I was beaten. My dad would just leave and my mom would blame me. That's abandonment.
I'm by myself because I trust nobody. How is that even close to your diagnosis...im scared of being hit and abused. They did not love me ever. So how do you lose what you never had.
@@sinjinmonsoon9055 I do not have then classic abandonment issues clearly, forgive me as I can't put myself in your place as to what growing up in your house looked like and therefore I am sorry for not understanding this whole thing! I know that I was raised by dysfunctional parents and I do have lots of co dependency to work through but having heard what you went through...it's not the same and I want to pray that you find healing in the pain that resulted in what your parents did. God Bless!
@@leighaanna2599 everyone on this post has abandonment issues, but because people also can't be completely honest with themselves, they're on this post saying how much they don't have abandonment issues. Don't apologize Leigha for what you been through because someone else's issues were more severe than yours. Praying for your healing!
always wanting to please others (being a “people pleaser”)
giving too much in relationships.
an inability to trust others.
pushing others away to avoid rejection.
My life story :(
Me too Amanda
I love too hard because I fear to be rejected one day. But when I feel that the risk of a heart break and a risk of rejection is too heavy I break up.
This
Ooh, I totally push people away as well.
I think I have the opposite of abandonment issues. I only feel safe when I am alone.
Me toooooo ✊🏾♾♐️
You do have abandonment issues... But because of this disregulation you feel whilst in a relationship... You have learned to isolate yourself. Which i have done multiple times in my life... 6 years the longest time... I always puck narcissistic, toxic men which heightens my abandonment issues... Finally get free then isolate to keep myself safe and sane. Sad how childhood trauma causes so much difficulty in later life.
Bingo!! Same.
@@nadineprice1753 Yup
U avoid relationships bc u have abandonment issues.... at least that's why i feel safest alone
I used to have panic attacks when my husband and I would go to the store and separate to pick up different things and I couldn’t find him right away. I spent several years in foster care after being abandoned by my mother. I’m almost 60 now and just got over it maybe10 years ago. Childhood can create quite a few scars…
I hear you ❤️🤗
I'm 59 and my mom messed me up good. I can't leave the house I'm so scared.
I'm sorry for your abandonment issues. Here's a hug 🤗 just for Mrs. Monsoon.
💜💜💜
Grow up!
I was physically and verbally abused during childhood up until I left at 18. But the worst punishment was the silent treatment for days. And to this day, if I don’t hear from someone I immediately think it’s my fault. Which had caused me to engage in toxic relationships. In other words my past relationships were one sided. Me always trying to please. No more. These videos are better than any therapy I’ve ever had. And you can imagine how many years I’ve been to therapy. 😬
Yep, I was punished by silent treatment too. For weeks
I feel ya ❤ In the new year be your own fan. We are valuable as we are. I get you, I would sometimes be silent for weeks with my mother (from her initiative) and for a month with my father (from my initiative) while living under the same roof. I would not want to be weak so I'd play the game of my mother in response. It was like a power struggle and I didn't want to be needy even though it was so painful. I learned that with closeness only the abuse and misery will come. I'm in therapy for a couple of years and I feel like it's just the beginning...
I have the same patterns with relationships, but I developed the disorganised, fearful avoidant attachment style, BPD traits (or maybe even the disorder, I was never diagnosed) and I'm realising just now what I was suffering with all my life (predominantly an ADHD).
It sucks finding out you have abandonment issues later in life. It explains why I lack any close relationships. The cold hard truth of it all is that I am fundamentally broken and unable to form bonds with other people. That's not to say I don't care about people. I just hate how I lack the ability to express affection or even receive it. Dying alone is becoming more of a possibility unless I fix myself ASAP.
This is exactly my sister omg. But if you mention anything she gets angry and violent. How do we fix it?
Wow that’s very true; the anticipatory anxiety of abandonment is always there and it’s heavy baggage to carry….
God never leaves us 🍭
@@izabelazielak8963
I’ve struggled with that idea for the past 15 years. I struggle to understand God’s love. I always equated His love with the love of my parents. My parents were emotionally absent and I never connected with them.
Its quite hard to overcome, when every relationship you’ve had has ended in one way or another., by the other party.
And off the scale when you’ve been dumped without closure
I'm an introvert a lone wolf. My natural character and nature is I prefer to be alone. I prefer to be alone 90% of the time. If I don't have time to myself then I can't recharge myself emotionally, mentally and physically. I feel smothered all the time. I don't want to be in a relationship with no one and I'm not in a relationship with no one. I really can't relate to this at all because I love to be alone. I just can't handle anymore stress and being around others 24/7. I need to be in a quiet calm environment without the chaos.
AMEN.
Same
..sounds like you have abandonment issues. i dont know why you felt the need to comment and ‘brag’ about being a lone wolf, unless this is sarcastic and mocking those who, in fact, do this.
* abandons the video before it ends *
😂
Never said any better! My abandonment issues have cost me countless friendships! With older family members or friends i even go as far as thinking that this person is going to die someday & i feel sorrow of a loss that hasn't even happened! I try to find peace & happiness being alone but with the abandonment issues of childhood trauma I constantly seek the company of others!
I relate with you on so many levels. Especially, they might die someday part. It feels like a never-ending grief or a never-ending premature grief. I found inner child work to be extremely helpful. I hope all of us that have experienced abandonment find a way out of this painful experiences. Sending you much love 💛
@@lalinera8279 I heard Dr Ramani on one of her episodes make the comment "As an adult of early childhood trauma, you have to learn how to reparent yourself" I was blown away by the truth & impact of that statement! On March 5th I turned 48, when I meet others my age they're well advanced or educated, have families, ect, but I look so much younger, I feel so behind my age group!!! I can't stand being asked the question of......Are you married, do you have any children? When I reply no on both questions, I get a weird look!!! My Mother ruined my life, and she knows it, and admitted it to me a few years ago during an apology that wasn't genuine but was her way of self healing! I forgave her 16 years ago, but to sit back and realize what my mother & her family have done & are still continuing to do to me now at 48, makes me feel sick to my stomach. I honestly want nothing to do with them ever again, but I quote, "I'm walking away not out of hate or anger, but out of love & respect for myself. So Salem Gebrehiwot.....here's 💙 right back at you😊
@@lalinera8279 That was beautifully written!!! I'm currently living the childhood I never had, I never had my own room, so my room 8s a Lord Of The Rings theme, my bathroom is Star Wars themed, with figures & pictures all over the place, even Star Wars stuffed animal lol, but all my visitors love my apartment & think it's cool & very neat! I'm also now a career man, so yes, I'm very proud of the self parenting job I've done!!! I decided at my 47th birthday to love me, and it's helped!!! We are fighter's, survivor's, & yes heroes😊🧡😊🧡😊🧡
Wow I think about people dying literally all the time like will visualise it and traumatise myself, I never connected that to abandonment issues
I don't fear my own death, but always thinking about other people's and the preemptive grief
I love being alone though. I hate being around people but then thinking about their death gives me guilt for indulging in alone time
@@Connect_with_Yourself have you sought help/treatment for these abandonment issues? Do you have any non romantic relationships?
"Living into the good-bye". Yes, that sums up every relationship I've ever had. I always expect this to be the 'last' time, the point where they say, "You know, this just isn't going to work, so see you later." And I'm left with another scar that I blame on myself.
I'm studying psychology, and wish I could intern with Dr. Ramani. She's amazing and so good at teaching and explaining!
Psychologist and therapist can also be bad people. They too can be manipulative, liars and fake. They too can manipulate fake information that’s not real. They make everything that’s human nature a disorder in order to lure others into seeing a therapist in order to gain more money for the business. Not only are they liars and bad people but they aren’t as smart as you might think. People too can make up fake problems, fake emotions and put on a fake act and pretend to be stupid/retarded or any negative emotion and thus making the therapist believe everything that’s thrown at them. Even negative emotions can be masked and fake. Don’t be so naive to believe everything that’s thrown at you especially from someone you don’t talk too or know just but hear things about
@@Dev-kz1gf The fact that you believe therapists are "liars and bad people" just tells me that you need therapy, to be quite honest. For every corrupt therapist, there are likely a thousand honest, genuine therapists who are skilled and educated and truly just want to help others.
Absolutley!!!
Wish I were lucky enough to be her patient! She'd get to the heart of matters in 10 sessions or less!
@@TheGeekMonster I disagree with your ratios. From my experience its a 50/50 whether a psychologist is actually a positive influence. For a psychiatrist it's even worse odds.
I deal with this by not allowing ANYONE into my life, ever. No friends, no partner, nobody. They can't leave if they were never there to start with.
I'm sorry. I hate being alone. I no longer look for an intimate relationship but I need my friends.
That's really sad
Well said.
I'm sorry ur going thru this
Works for me. People are jerks anyway.
Good presentation, as always. Also, please address the feeling of being "Disrespected". Some people with abandonment issues have the feeling of not being respected (disposable) that brings forth rage, not so much the fear of not being cared for. Most kids that were ignored / left behind are actually good at caring for themselves - they had to.
Good point
This is me
The feeling of disrespect is very intense even for me but i don't agree that ignored children know how to take care of themselves, children learn from adults, that's how codependents are created, incapable of knowing their own needs because no one mirrored them when they were little
I agree. Feeling neglected, disrespected, ignored, avoided, and generally, like a second fiddle.
It's not about not being able to fend for yourself, it's about the emotional hurt since we are social creatures
I have abandonment issues and dislike goodbyes. Its hard to let go of people and the fear of being left behind is always lingering in my mind. The thought of losing someone I care about brings up intense emotions and makes it difficult for me to trust and form deep connections with others.
As the adopted son or an adopted father I can say I experienced most of these things at one point or another in life. One of the most healing and beneficial things I've done was admit and give myself permission to be broken. I will spend a lifetime working towards bettering myself and repairing the damage that was done - mostly for the benefit of my child.
I wish all of you the best in your own journey.
We're all broken, friend. I hope you're well.
Yes!!!!
What about abandonment from a parent(s) being an alcoholic/drug user and also those who deal with emotionally unavailable parent(s). Or parents who are arguing too much.. they abandon their children as well.
Or told to deal with it yourself as a kid as u said, not there.. leaving them to fend for themselves and basically saying you are alone.
I agree. My parents were alcoholics too.
I was adopted, after my mother developed postpartum psychosis, except my adoptive “dad” was an alcoholic bipolar, possibly also borderline personality disorder man, also a misogynist who didn’t really care about anyone else’s safety, emotional or physical. Adoptive mum seemed like the better parent but now I see how questionable some of her attitudes and ideas towards me have been.
Oh, yes, alcoholic parents are not able to give any attention, or affection. So the child(ren) feel abandoned.
This has nailed it. It’s such a baaaad feeling This explains why I used to be very happy but very sad at the same time in relationships and I wasn’t able to explain it. Like I should be happy now I am with the person I like but the constant anticipation of being left by the person was so overwhelming.
Maybe your a closet homosexual?
My abandonment issues were really strong during the first few years of marriage after having grown up in an abusive narcissistic home . When my husband walked out the driveway to get the mail I would lock the door behind him and think 'well he's gone' and literally start imagining and planning my life without him . He used to joke that if he stepped outside he heard the door lock behind him - that was reality . Over the years I guess I mostly wore myself out doing this as so many other things took precedence in my mind . Many days I still imagine life on my own .
Sometimes it can not be helped…. ik how you feel…
Geez
My favorite psychologist on CZcams! ❤
Mine too.
I’m fascinated by your comment about the point of reunion. I struggle with abandonment issues, and I am just realizing now the reunion is certainly agitating. It’s a sense of….I’ve been consumed with wanting this person to return, and now that they are back, it doesn’t fulfill me the way I expected it to.
Stuck in a room alone for years begging for help. They hate me. Can’t even begin to reunite. I’m to injured. Litteral dying. ….. no one even checked on me. It was tough shit. Hatred……. I am amazed I’m still here.
Had so many friends so many said they loved me. They lied. How do you ever trust again.
Can’t even find a therapist. They all leave me too. 💔
My mother left when I was 6 months, came back 6 months later. Left again when I was 6 years old and came back 2 years later, finally left when I was 16 and didn't see her again until I was 35. I have abandoned issues but I struggle in silence. It is a horrible feeling I wish to no one! I became a people pleaser, cope with any bad treatment I am given just the other person would stay! Finally at 42 I am able to live by myself. So much therapy, meditation and healhty friendships had helped a lot for recovery
Good for u Kurmi33! 😀
I came Upon this Channel by Accident but am glad i did. I have the same feelings ... had a similar dynamic Growing Up, It's Weird Hearing it from So many others. I never really Dealt with these Feelings, Lived with them many Years.
God bless you, you've had quite the journey - may you find further peace and love - it's so horrible, I am personally suffering and pushing away good people out of intense fear
Some of us are extremely good at hiding our feelings too and internalising our emotions (so they can wreak havoc on our health - insidiously ). I have gone through life alone, having complex abandonment issues (never spoken about) and it wasn't until my husband died unexpectedly that I learned (following treatment for severe PTS and complicated grief) that I came to understand 'abandonment in childhood and was able to link it to my realisation that my husband was the most significant and stable person I had known - and will know. My lifetime 'behavioural issues suddenly made sense - although these patterns seemed to bother or affect no one else, except my inner self. A very painful life journey actually!
So sorry about your husband. I hope one day you find peace. 💞
@@michelegray5970 Thank You so much. How kind of you. I have found peace now but Dr Ramini’s wise words just helped me understand a puzzle. Life’s journey, as Eckhart Tolle says, is “full of challenges”. XXX🙏🏻😘
Wow Patricia.
Thanks for the comment. I assure you, you are not alone. I too, feel only one person has been truly stable in my life, my significant other and Sometimes I find myself feeling really bad that He has to go through this with me. That’s what I have a hard time with knowing he could be with someone normal.
@@brianna3239 HI Brianna…sorry about late response but only just received notification! Technology aye! You are ‘normal’ my friend. We are all made differently and what society has done is pin labels onto our backs, especially onto many folk who don’t fit the notion/conception of ‘normal’ to others! Know that you are now loved by your partner and understand the ‘young you’ who hasn’t healed yet…she is probably feeling the same confusion and loneliness as she did as a child and the adult ‘you’ is having trouble trusting a new, stable and trustworthy love through her eyes and thought patterns. Allow the two to merge and hold hands - you will be surprised by listening to the young you and helping her with trust issues that you will slowly know how ‘normal’ and how OK you are. 😘 Long and happy, happy life to you Brianna - enjoy all of its quirky moments XXXX
excellent advise czcams.com/video/Q7aF6gA8_pk/video.html
This episode really hit home. From early childhood until recent past I haven't had close bonds that normally last due to death, friendships ending, sabotaging potential friendships before they begin) Abandonment coupled with me being an extreme introvert has a lot to do with me not bonding with people.
Wow watching this made me realize how far I’ve come with my own abandonment issues. A lot of the stuff said here is stuff I used to do not in this present moment. I’m honestly a lot at peace now and there is way less anxiety in my life with this subject. So it is something you can overcome ❤️
Stephanie, How did you do it, get peace and less anxiety? Even with years of therapy, it’s so hard to overcome.
excellent advise czcams.com/video/Q7aF6gA8_pk/video.html
I only met my biological dad two times in my 30 years of living once at 16 and once at 27 years old; both times were extremely awkward and now that he died it’s like I got abandoned all over again
Wasn’t married to my biological father, never been married either. Thanks tho
You must come to the realization you can't be abandoned by someone you've never known. Biology means nothing in this case.
@@jaimhaas5170 you’re right and that’s actually really good advice!! Thank you so much !🙂
@@buttercup2290 you are very welcome. I try to remember that we have freedom of choice. We must try to choose the best for ourselves.
@@jaimhaas5170 my biological mother died without us being able to reunite, and actually it was like I’d lost her twice when I found out she was gone. She was too sick to keep me, but had wanted to get me back or at least see me again.
When I first started watching, I was so frustrated I wanted to quickly end this video. But then I realized I have abandonment issues.
Omg I discovered this in the last few years.
I was left as a 4 yr old in an orphanage for a year.
I realized every crappy decision I ever made took me right back to that point in time. Clung onto bad relationships for fear of being abandoned as an adult. Married to a alcoholic narc for 30 years rather than get left behind. I suffered from anxiety most of my life and I know this is why. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing. I hope you may be free of suffering and find the peace and joy you always should of had :)
I didn't realize I had abandonment issues until very recently and I even felt ashamed of it because it looks unjustifiable that I have such issues.
I have suffered from abandonment issues from early childhood. I lost my mother at age 9 and was left to be raised by an alcoholic father who was distant, aggressive, and nonemotional available.
I had to show my husband the part about coming together and being agitated/upset. This happens to me like EVERY DAY. He always thinks I just don’t want him to work and I never knew why I did this. Thanks for the video!
Hi Leah, how's your day going with you
That’s exactly how I felt with my ex. He had huge abandonment issues and his excessive clinging on to me, coupled with trying to force his help on me (despite me telling him I didn’t need/want the help) caused a rift between us and pushed me away from him. It became so tiring for me. I tried so hard to talk to him about it several times, hoping he would see sense, but he continually chose to “return to default” and ignore the issues. He chose to repeatedly stick his head back in the ground while keeping to a somewhat toxic victim mindset.
There’s only so much someone can take when on the receiving end of that.
Im 49, married with children and i still have abandoment issues, it was very hard for me growing up with no parents in the house, only brothers
yes, rings true. Living in the goodbye is empowering in a sick way, as no one can hurt you worse than you already feel. Being older, I now sometimes talk about if one of us dies then I will be stuck not knowing how to do such and such. Sometimes my husband complains about not knowing how to do the laundry. lol. I remember my Mother being so glad to be able to leave me with a baby sitter all the time, all the time. Then my parents would leave so many times to go on vacation and I would be left alone and have to run the family business when I was 16. This is a problem.
I used always thought I had abandonment issues but now I'm thinking I have "been accepted" issues rather than abandonment issues...
Wow, I've never heard this described with such clarity. This is exactly what I struggle most with in intimate relationships :(
Abandonment issue for me feels like I'm going into panic attack mode or someone has pushed into my chest, grab my heart and squeeze. However, after so many times of being abandoned, I don't form any meaningful relationships. I want to but used , betrayed and discarded by family members and 'friends'.
I may or may not have this problem. However suffering the loss of a father can potentially cause abandonment issues. Loss of a loved one can serve as the main catalyst of abandonment issues. After loosing my father I can relate I suffered a strong Grief.
OMG, I have 10 of the 5 abandonment issues but I already knew. My mom was put in a mental hospital when I was an infant and spent the next 7 years on 800 mg of thorosine after being sent home driving the nail in the coffin with emotional abandonment. I’m 56 and abandonment is still playing out in my life.
My mom left when I was 4 years old. Wreaks havoc on my dating life. Started EMDR today.
I always used to dread going out of town for work training courses. Now I understand it was because of my narc ex…. Constant checking in, constant “miss you” text messages. Now that the devalue and discard stages have happened, I had a training course and it was quite enjoyable. Go figure…. They tend to project all their emotions onto you.
You miss him, don't you?
It was my wife. And honestly I’m doing really good. She has tried the Hoover and I turned her down. Turns out grass wasn’t greener, go figure.
You, Doc Snipes and Therapy In A Nutshell have really *been helping* me through some issues. Thanks for all you do! ❤️ I utilize the things I learn here in my daily life.
Jesus is she on drugs. Talking so fast.
@@suelynton-jenkins9066 some of us just talk fast
Add Dr. Daniel Fox to your video library! He's shares invaluable self help videos!
Me too!
Today I realised that I may have abandonment issues, I just don't understand it at first but when I talk to my new friend, whenever he doesn't reply to my text or replied in only two messages, I felt a very strong anxiety that the person is losing interested in me and don't felt like talking to me and just finding a way to leave me. It's hard , thank you for sharing awareness Medcircle. I couldn't be more grateful 💙
My dad passed 4 days before my 10th birthday and it left a wound so huge. Looking back over the 38 years since he’s passed, I can see how that loss has changed me.
My mom just passed away 12 days ago and all of those feelings of feeling *abandoned by his death came rushing to the surface and I’m just trying to hold on and figure it out. Losing one parent is hard enough but, when you have lost both there is a feeling of losing your anchor in this world. It feels like the earth has shifted beneath my feet and it is unbearable.
My condolences 😔
@@Lordran__ aww, thank you. ♥️🙏🏽
Ugh I’m so sorry; hugs ❤❤❤
@@janelledillon6553 aww, thank you ♥️
i relate to this, unfortunately. I am looking back and examining 'self'' with a sinking feeling. Living with a narcissistic / psychopathic type did stir up suppressed abandonment fear.
I cried for my grandmother at the bus stop whenever she was late to get home from work.. it was a horrible feeling.
Nice, this has helped me realize strong feeling of unhealthy/traumatic/toxic attachment i have with my narcissistic mother
My late mother had this after my Dad died. It’s really upsetting. Got so much worse 15-20 years after he died. 😢
As I read it in the comments,it is really painful topic...As everything in life,time goes by...
Our childhood,youth,partners,children evolve and change...But we have our memories forever...🥞
Thank you Izabela. I appreciate your insight and willingness to share. Hope you have a great day.😊
@@azurelad236 Thank You and Good Night
This is very true.
My abandonedment issues r real, my husband walked out with no reason a lot of lies and excuses and blame, my family is just as bad, so I’m left with just myself and now afraid to trust ppl cuz everyone iv trusted literally lied and deceived me, and some think they were their for me when in fact they weren’t they only talked about themselves so they can gloat over the materialistic things they have while I was losing everything and threw my struggles in my face
I have abandonment issues. They really came through in my teen years. 😢
o my GOSH I'm so relieved to have heard this video. I recently found out I was raised in a family with narcissistic dynamics and have been struggling with seeing myself as a narci as well, I question every motive and situation much more than I think is healthy out of concern I am narci too. But hearing this summary of what it can be like to live with abandonment issues, and knowing I'm anxiously / insecurely attachment style, this framework will be a much more helpful way for me to regulate my emotions and mental health.
You are so spot on. I have extreme abandone issues 😭
and you will heal and move through it and become healthy !
This was so good. Thank you. And thank you for describing this issue outside of particular diagnosis- maybe people can hear the terror that is experienced without the distraction and bias of loaded diagnostic labels.
Now I understand why being in a very long distance relationship was so devastating for me! Every time he flew back home my heart felt ripped out. It did not have a happy ending.
There is a huge difference between being alone and being lonely.
I wasn't "allowed" to grow spiritually. That hurt the deepest.
Now, 3 weeks free, I can finally grow into the best me 💜🙏
I have been left in the lurch a number of times, so I figured out some of the major traits, then some of the signs a person is contemplating abandoning the relationship altogether!
Wow 35 years old and I’m finally starting to see where all my addiction problems come from aka this but I can get better thank you for sharing your content
I have abandonment issues and this is so true. I find myself being so needy and expending so much energy thinking about it and it was a huge issue in my 13 year narcissistic abusive relationship. I create the abandonment in my life, I know it's a double edge sword. I am a very anxious attachment style and I'm constantly looking for when people will abandon me because "I know it's coming". I would get emotional and irritated with my ex and start fights or have protest behavior. Granted he was avoidant attachment and would not give me the intimacy I was very much needing. It was so toxic and I see that I was very much a part of this. I don't want to be this way but I don't know how to heal this within me. When my partner did finally leave me in October 2019 I completely fell in a severely deep depression and I am searching for healing but finding it so hard. I just watch your toxic text messages video, and though I was raised by narcissistic parents, I know I'm very empathetic and highly sensitive, but I fear I have embodied my mother's toxic passive aggressiveness and I could see where I had written toxic texts in my past relationships and how I had hurt people, especially those I love with these messages. This realization weighs heavy on my heart, though I know I have to find self love, self compassion, and self forgiveness. The fact I create the abandonment, which I've known for a few years now, is a deeply damaging realization and makes my subconscious say "see it is always your fault you made this happen you psycho". Yet I can't seem to fully heal that wounded child within, and my subconscious programming is ruthless and horribly mean. I feel like two polar opposite people and I don't have complete memory of the things I do and say on subconscious auto pilot, when my conscious brain is within thinking. I can tell you that if it is saying things to people that it says to me in the back of my mind all day long relentlessly, then I feel so bad for anyone that it has come in contact with because my parents programmed me with a very mean and horrifically belittling subconscious or inner self critic whom I named Alex because that's the name my parents chose for me had I been a boy. I have been stuck dependent and what I call a burden on my parents since my ex left me and it makes me hate myself which is counter productive. I have also been living in my parents detached garage where they built me an apartment, which I should be grateful for. I am thankful logically but emotionally only as much as I can muster, because much to my despair my inner child is so anxious here and I can't seem to get past that. It feels like I'm trapped in a prison where they can monitor and control my actions. I want to be independent of my parents but my mom makes it nearly impossible and looking back she has made every major life decision I have ever had to make. These realizations make me want to just give up, I have no money and no resources that actually work to truly heal the issues that keep me stuck in life so why keep trying. But I know that this is not thinking that is truly from me that's Alex. I'm a single mother of 4 and my oldest who is 16 just moved out, I know I failed him as a mother because I was so focus on making my ex happy thinking that's how our family would be able to survive and it was insanity. I should have been focused on my kids and now it's too late for me and my oldest, but I can hope for repairs someday and I can start to repair my relationship with my 3 youngest because they need me and I'm letting them down. It hurts so much going on circles and feeling like I try so hard to find answers and fix myself so I can fulfill my souls purpose here on earth. I fear I'm running out of time as my health is steadily declining and I'm making very slow and not significant progress to changing my life. I have read and followed Dr. Van DER Kolk, Dr. Porges, Dr. Levine, Dr. Ogden, Dr. Ramani, and studied trauma bonding, narcissistic abuse, polyvagal ladder, attachment styles, nervous system, trauma at NICABM, I've found spirituality and studied Angels, guides, tarot, numerology, astrology, alchemy, Ive found yoga, meditation, gratitude, the list goes on and on. I scored a perfect 10 on the ACES study exam and it's the one test I didn't want a perfect score on. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle and therapists have given up, family has given up and friends have given up. I know why they do this though and I only blame myself but I really do want to heal and be a better person but something, I feel my subconscious and my fear, keep me locked in a prison of my own making and I can't seem to break all the way free. If I could afford to I'd go to a intensive trauma treatment facility but I have 15 dollars to my name and no income. This is why I am trying to heal on my own because talk therapy only traumatizes me further. Being alone is the worst experience I've ever had to go through even though my ex almost killed me three times, the fear and inability to sleep because of my sexual trauma around 4. Immobility and zero confidence compounded by the negative thoughts in the back of my mind destroy my ability to conquer this on my own, despite trying all the positive thinking techniques, binaural beats and subconscious reprogramming videos on CZcams. I feel I'm losing hope that I will ever get out and this puts me into the victim mentality and I know how annoying that is. I wish I could figure out something that works and find someone that would really mentor and help me. I'm just praying for a miracle, because my kids deserve a good mother and I am not providing them that despite my desire to, because I'm emotionally unavailable and extensively traumatized. I just want Dr. Ramani to know that she is an inspiration and light in my life as she was the first real ah-ha light bulb moment in my journey and helped me so much starting down this rabbit hole in Jan 2020, as did MedCircle so thank you thank you thank you. And as my study of hooponopono has taught me, I'm sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you. Love and light to everyone if anyone has any free resources that may help me please comment them, I really appreciate any advice or suggestions.
This is so deep I read every line. Do you believe you can better? What do you do to break all this suffering. Do you have anything you enjoy doing that’s positive or uplifting to you? I may not know you but I will definitely add you in my prayers
You really LIKE words..egads!!!
@@bs4real
Here's a few more words: unhelpful, unkind and unnecessary.
@@danielwestjr I enjoy singing and helping others but my fear of people and failure hold me hostage in isolation. I wish I knew how to break the cycles and get out of my trauma loop. My life could be worse so I try to be grateful but I am constantly putting myself down and hating myself for not doing more and not being enough or helping enough. In numerology I'm a master builder life path 22/4 which I found out last year. This weighs so heavy on my heart because I'm supposed to create great change in this world and be a master soul but I am failing just hiding in my room being this horrible person stuck in victim mentality and having a pitty party to afraid and unconfident to fix my life. I like to be a student I love to learn and I like to write I would love to run groups or start a non profit geared toward helping others especially children suffering from early childhood sexual trauma like me. I want to have a blog or anything really that makes me feel like I'm doing my part to help people but something keeps preventing me from doing it. Excuses in my head lies I tell myself like I'm not good enough, I'm stupid, no one cares and I will fail, and so many more. I'm am so grateful and thankful for your prayers. They will be so helpful as I know the power of prayer and would like to start a virtual prayer group but again I'm so full of want and I start things but I get blocked by my subconscious and rarely follow through or have confidence to implement the ideas. I'd like to be an author but again I fear failure or that I have nothing to say or no one would get anything good out of my story blah blah excuse excuse. I hope I find the courage to find self love and self forgiveness and compassion because I feel my inner critic keeps me trapped and beats me up mentally to the point I can't function or change my life despite knowing that it's my fault and I'm creating it. It's like how people would judge me for not leaving my ex every time he beat me up. The trauma brain doesn't function logically or like a normal brain sadly.
@@romainequiver8909 it's ok they are right I LIKE words, a lot. And I'm sorry I do tend to write novels and people get annoyed with my texts. It is taking their time and humanity is so very busy being bombarded by this society and technology and overstimulation of the brain. I get why they say that and I didn't really think anyone would read it honestly. But thank you for standing up for me it's very appreciated. 🤗 I actually chuckled when I read the comment. But your a good person for standing up for others.
Thank you for making this video! I have a lot of horrible abandonment trauma (from physical abandonment to emotional abandonment) and it was hard for me to even think about abandonment but this made it possible for me to verbalize my feelings. It’s important to tell someone the signs because if they struggle with it- it can be hard to recognize.
As always, thank you Doc. You explain issues in such a way that it really hits home. You're providing such an important service to me and others like me. Abandonment is no joke. I just choose to keep moving and smiling to get by, not truly healing. The medical field addresses it, but yet like many other things does nothing to get you past the issues. I for one, am sick of living in the past. This video describes how I have felt and now I have more tools to work with. Again, thank you ❤😘
Wow. This explains a lot. I feel that fullness in my chest when my loved one leaves and it makes no sense.
I don't have abandonment issues anymore. When I was 19, I noticed I had it when I dated a 29 year old woman. As much as I wanted to treat the relationship as an adult relationship, I always felt like I was throwing her into a mother role. When I was young (like 8 or 9) my mother who was a drug addict at the time would leave me in the house by myself for days up to a week. She did it alot. There was no food and no one else there.
i had abandonment issues due to my daddy issues. i continue to work on them. thank you, Dr. Ramani for helping me through my gray rock/low contact these past five months.
Now, I'm learning about myself. It's clear from watching this recording that have prominent abandonment issues.
Dr Ramani is so articulate plus i love it that shes going grey gracefully. Among other things! Inspiring
you hit the nail on the head - thank you doc.
This was great. I love how you phrased it as ‘point departure, or the point of separation’ rather than abandonment because that’s exactly what it is for me. Love this
My abandonment issues wore down my ex-wife. But she was avoidant and narcissistic (yes both), so it didn't take very much for her to pull away. My abandonment issues almost helped me, they kept me safe from staying with an emotionally unavailable neglectful woman. Funny how that works. But I still acknowledge that I have to work on those issues. I want to be healthy.
I love you Dr. Ramani Durvasula. I just needed to express it ❤️
Story of my life. Being the youngest in a big family, huge age gaps means as a kid I had no playmates. When my cousins left to start school, when I had to be entrusted in the care of someone else because my parents had to work.. makes me wanna cry just remembering those times when i felt so lonely. Now at 33 I still have all of these signs mentioned in this video; the clinginess, the people-pleasing, the constant need for assurance that I will not be alone... Any tips for overcoming these? Much appreciated.
Such intelligent, soothing and insightfull voice deserves a mic cover for the ”splosives”. 😊
Can emotional neglect cause abandonment issues?
I think so. Also if a mother emotionally neglects the baby they can grow up to have serious personality disorders.
Absolutely
Yes. I’m an example.
Absolutely!
My husband and I both have that I think. We feel horrible when the other does anything away from the other for to long .
You hit the nail yet again Dr.Ramani. My relationship now. The constant having to reassure and prove sincerity to my partner is warning me down.
Nobody has ever explained me this well before.
Oh you guys helped fix her audio situation. Thumbs up!
This only happened to me when I had a relationship w a narcissist who went to prison. When he came home I felt anxiety every time he left the e house . Why? Because narcissists nurture this. They take joy in finding a new supply and could care less that you even exist.
As soon as I ended that relationship it went away . Never had that feeling either before him or after him. I think it was just situational .
I didn’t understand narcissists at the time . Now thanks to dr Ramani I totally get it.
My friend with disorganized attachment is like this…she does exhaust me by her many many fears and issues. I still love her but at some point, her constant pushing and pulling became too much and I needed a break around the same time my work became very busy. She took this all personally. She finds my personal boundaries around my time and planning ahead to be somehow offensive to her. Very exhausting! She also did some foolish things that were painful for me to watch. My reaction was just to listen and not criticize any of it. Actually I didn’t really know what to say about it. (She thought she was in love and married a guy to keep him in the country only to find he doesn’t love her. She abandoned her 3 kids in another state to do be with him and seems to have forgotten all her other life goals. The guy brings other other women home and such because he’s not in love with my friend and he made it very clear before they got married) And I think she feels shame about those choices she’s living now. So much shame that she won’t even bring it up and pretend she’s ok when she’s clearly not. Now she thinks I hate her or something and she thinks everyone will hate her eventually. It’s not my job to be her therapist and she doesn’t listen to anything I say on the subject anyway. But she drove me away. I hope others can avoid losing their friends by pushing them away. 😢
OMG This was so informative to me. Now I understand why this person was always accusing me on leaving him. Thanks so much!!!
Thank you. I vacillate between anxiety when anticipating a change then dismissive once the person is gone. Not wanting to feel these emotions I become dismissive & tend to think the worse case scenario as far as what the person is doing (aka cheating
Or lying).
I’ve been recognizing and identifying these patterns of anxiety & distortions.
I also have feelings of anger when missing someone vs sadness.
Thank you for explaining the “coming together”
Anxiety.
My son is on the spectrum & he has a lot of anxiety and anger during times of separation and coming together.
I allow space for these “transitions” throughout our day to help him come
To a internal space of regulation.
I like your hair!! It’s growing out nicely. When all the dark is gone it’s going to be beautiful.
You are one of the smartest people on the planet! The things I learn…wow
Wow! this is exactly i felt over 3years with my ex partner, would constantly say”.i would leave one day”no matter how much I reassured him.In the end he sucked the life out of me his narcissism has finally worn me down so much we have now finished. A very,very messy ending,I have my first therapy session soon as I am struggling to function.. you continue to help me understand this trauma it’s a nightmare
I just come to the realization I have this problem and I didn't know until now,now I have to learn more about it and how to deal with it,thanks doc
I only learned that I have this today. After 23 years. So many things make sense now.
I struggle with feeling like my mom whom has 3rd stage M.S. is going to die, constantly… I didn’t know that was abandonment issues! I made a comment about my dog just now and then watched your video… Thank you so much, AGAIN!!!
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This is amazing! Thank you!
I had an aha moment when I was hanging with my beau and I realized how sad and upset I was feeling. I almost began to express it when I realized, I’m not sad so why am I getting dramatic?’ I realized then, I have trauma I need to deal with. I’m glad I can see it and label it.
Great video. I love Dr. Ramani. She’s so insightful. However, I struggled with that picture being crooked through this video 🤣
Thank you. Found myself there. Applying IFS tonight.
I always thought i did something wrong when I got home ,after being told I miss and love you before I left and when I walked in to the door I get the cold shoulder . Being able to get therapy and open up more it all made since . This video really helped me
As a young child I had severe separation anxiety when my mother left for University or work. I knew something was wrong. Then when I was 9, I knew something was seriously wrong one night when she went to a Dr appointment at 5:30pm but didn’t get back home until 10pm one night. The next day she told us all she had breast cancer. 3 years later, she died of metastasised brain /lung cancer.
I’m 37 now and no amount of therapy heals the trauma of early childhood bereavement.
I don’t think separation anxiety comes out from nowhere. Trust your gut.
There’s a reason for it.
This illuminated the “point of reunion”, I was vaguely aware of it being a problem tho couldn’t quite bring it into focus. As soon as you began talking the memories of being abandoned twice by my parents when I was a very small child and being told that they didn’t want me, their eventual taking me back, and what evolved after that…resulting in a lifetime of fighting the belief that I’m not wanted…tho therapy has helped a lot with that. Things were confusing because knowing my family didn’t want me, yet had to keep me for the sake of “what will the neighbors think”, left me never learning normal reactions, and instead would be anticipating when the other shoe will drop….and I’ve been stuck in that weird limbo without realizing it. Thank you for giving me an alternative to go to: the option to be happy to see that person (provided I want to see them lol). ❤️
im dating this guy and ive never been treated so good. really, he is the best. but everytime we make plans im just so scared, because ik when its over, i will have so much painful memory about these places. i cry alot about this. i also think hes gonna leave me sooner or later so i cant depend on him. but at the same time i really want to and im trying. its just feels like i can never be happy.
I don’t wanna feel like this anymore I’m messing my life up 😩
So accurate to my ex behavior, I suspected he had abandonment issues. And the constant accusing of leaving them got really old … and he would always say he is chasing me but I was never running