Why Trying TOO HARD Is Actually Pushing Him AWAY... | Matthew Hussey
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- čas přidán 25. 12. 2021
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We all know the feeling. We start speaking to or dating someone and we begin to get excited about them . . . but then as soon as we show interest, they start to pull away.
This can be painful and demoralizing. But why does this happen? Is it them, or is it us?
In this week’s video, my brother @Stephenhhussey and I break down a number of “them” and “us” scenarios. For instance:
• Some people loathe themselves so much that they devalue anyone who starts to see value in them.
• Others might have an obsession with attainment, and once they “get” you, they just move on to their next quest.
Thankfully, in these examples, you want to scare off a person like that.
But sometimes our actions may inadvertently scare them off. For example: when they see us valuing them more than we should, especially given the stage of the relationship we’re currently in.
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I think the sort of people that lose interest once the person they like reciprocates feelings don't actually want to have a real relationship. It's simply more of a conquest for them to know that they can win the person over and when they eventually do, it's too real and thus scares them.
You took the words right out of my mouth! Beautiful explanation! Let me just add those same people be the ones complaining that the person they dated was sooo mean to them (they're usually the loudest about it). They portray themselves as gullible only for you to find out they make every person they're with crazy with all their mixed messages and the person eventually reacts but somehow thats the fault of the person they were with.
Its because (i think) the person has a low self-esteem. Knowing that chick's want them is all they are after. Same with the guys who text "Hey"...they are juuust checking to see if people still like them....Its pathetic and sad really.
They looking to feed their ego. Showing interest would starve that. Not exciting enough
This's where I am Anthony thank you
DA's& FA'S do this best!! Be warned...learn the love language and the type of personality of someone BEFORE deciding to have a relationship with Fearful/Dismissive Avoidants lose interest real quickly...yet they will lure you in because many times they have narcissistic behavior. Steer clear..nothing but disappointment and waste of time. Make sure you love yourself the most..not them!!
We have to let people walk away. That creates a space for the right person.
If they don't like my sincerity, kind words & appreciation then they want people who " hides feelings" & excitement.
I will not "hide" what I feel.
I myself is looking for consistency & authentic feelings. I deserve it.
Those who got scared is not what I am looking for.
👏🏽 👏🏽 👏🏽 good for you, sis. Refreshing to read your comment.
Yesss!! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Good luck being forever alone 🤣🤣
Brilliant just Brilliant 👏 👍
@@optimusprime2799 yess
If someone you expressed interest in tells you they have no interest in dating you, THANK THEM FOR NOT WASTING YOUR TIME.
That was what I told my ex, thanks for the gift of freedom! 🤣
Then when you do, they apologize and tell you they like you back and boom you're trapped in a cycle 🙃
@@elysia_sky1525 the only way that happens if you were hoping that the person would change their mind and behave the way you wanted them to. Once they tell you they have no interest in you, leave them alone. Don't listen to an apology, and end the conversation. If you're not strong enough to end things face to face, then do it over the phone and block and delete that person from ever having any contact you again. People can only do to you what you allow. And if you allow yourself to get sucked into a cycle with someone who first told you they didn't wanted you only for said person to change mind because you accepted their decision and walked away from them, that's your problem. Because the only reason why they apologized they wanted your attention and not you.
@@Taisha12001 well said!
I appreciate those than telling me they want me but gives you mixed signals
Too many guys nowadays just want to date for datings sake and NOT because they want to find a relationship. Dating sites are FULL of these guys. And they always lie in the beginning and say they want a relationship when they actually DON'T.
@aannier
YES!
Amen Sister!! Even in MY age group!! 50's-60's!
Yes. It’s a very difficult situation for us who want the real deal.
So basically respect yourself, know your worth, get a life and have healthy boundaries. I've had to learn these things the hard way, one of my most recent heartbreaks helped me realize that I didn't have a life - that was the main reason I always got too attached and obsessed with a new romantic interest and would always be devastated when it didn't work out.
I'm currently nursing a broken heart as well as letting go of that person even though I still in love with them.
I'm working on building an amazing life for myself as well as setting healthy boundaries when it comes to my romantic connections.
I never had a ny kind of boundaries in the past and would literally let whomever I lived walk all over me just to keep them around. Out of fear that I might lose them.
Now I am:
1. Intentionally walking away from the man that I love because he has treated me poorly.
2. Learning how to develop feelings for men in a healthy and balanced way.
3. Setting boundaries based on self respect and self worth
4. Building an awesome life for myself one day at a time ( accomplishing my weekly goals)
I am 24 years old and have been in multiple toxic/abusive/unhealthy romantic relationships with men.
I have never experienced a healthy balanced romantic relationship.
I realize that I cannot behave the same way the I always have in past relationships. Begging for love, chasing, romanticizing the person I have feelings for, valuing them more than I value myself.
I am now breaking this pattern and I am so proud of myself 🥰🥰🥰
As you should be. Well done 👏🏾
Keep going KK
omg i’m literally in the same situation rn, i’m also 24, i just had a breakup a month ago and i love him so much, but i have no life, no self-worth, no boundaries. and frankly, rn life seems meaningless. because he was the core of it. and some days i lose hope of healing and getting better, some days idk if i’m making any progress. i hope i am
@@enzhedavletbaeva3525 oh dear 😭 I'm sure you're in a lot of pain right now, I can totally relate. But I promise you it does get better with time, the pain will slowly decrease. But for now hang in there girl ❤ I remember when I was fresh out of heartbreak , the first month I just felt like I wanted to die 😭😭😭😭💔💔💔💔 . Its been almost 7 months now and I'm feeling so so much better now 😌
@@enzhedavletbaeva3525 You are making plenty of progress. My question is, ‘Are you trusting The Universe/Spirit/Gaia/whatever to have your best interests in mind and to help you get everything you need. In the Universe’s time?’
Please let me know what you decide.’
“People love to buy. They hate to be sold” such a golden line! TY MH
I believe we simply live in weird times. Dating has changed so much in recent years. Social media/dating apps making things so much worse because people elusively think there is endless amount of people and someone better will always come alone. While quantity is true, such believe is false because of how much time and energy it takes to go out on dates and really get to know someone. This is also why people are “rushing” through instead of taking their time and give each other a real chance. Not to mention, a lot of people are just dating Instagram models in their head, believe they will eventually get one, meanwhile go out with real people from Tinder or other app to quickly loose interest. And the next chase is on…
I really agree. I don't use sns. But my ex used instagram and he compared me and other woman. And he told me "why you don't go gym?", "Gym ass is amazing" etc etc.... I got hurts a lot from this shit. And peoples want find sexy baby. And many expectations....... Im sick
Wellllll said 🎉🎉🎉🎉
The problem is when the conversations were nice and flirty and then suddenly they disappear. It was the abruptness of it. Leaving you clueless and with unanswered questions.
Agree. That happened to me.
I agree 100%. Our scarcity mindset sometimes keeps us trying with the wrong person because we don't have connections often or we consider them out of our league and seek their validation. Sometimes the attention/validation we seek is unhealthy. Ultimately, we lost interest in ourselves.
Happened to me on accident she isolated me from all my friends so that only she could give me support and validation so I wouldn't leave her... Beware of that toxic shit!
Well said
People who don’t love themselves cannot be satisfied with the attention of one person. A lot of them crave affirmation for various sources as their sense of self worth it like a pocket with a hole in it. I am always wary of people who swoon when they are complemented.
I must add here my experience of being Brazilian and how relationships dynamics in North America are different than ours back home. A man who is interested in me must show constant and steady interest and be fully present from the start. There’s no “warming up to it” whatsoever. You are either putting it all in or you are out. I can’t stress enough how this cultural contrast confuses and even upsets us (Latina women). We get mad and discouraged with all that innuendo, inconsistent and vaguely “dance” (?). So much for “proving your value” by holding back and fearing showing up when you are interested because the norm is “oh! If I show interested, they will devalue me”. Seriously, people, isn’t better to be honest and real and upfront and straight forward? What kind of 18th century ritual is that???
This is exactly how it should be!
It's Napoleonic British and Victorian mindset. It sucks.
I am Swedish and I think it like you. They must really show a lot of interest for me to consider them.
I'm a Latina at heart then. Annoying is putting it mildly! The last guy was "trying to pull the brakes hard". Because of important exams coming up and also he didn't want to repeat the mistakes from his past and rush into things. Sounds reasonable on the surface, and I tend to rush into things too. But I realized no, why would I be pushing my feelings away, when I'm clearly smitten, just to satisfy some arbitrary deadline? Well, he was NOT THAT INTO ME - time to thank him for not wasting any more of my time! To think as a young girl I would waste years on these lukewarm guys.. ugghhh
I’m Brazilian too (oiss haha) and I live in Japan specifically in Tokyo. Many foreigners living here and I date couple of guys from different countries. I agree how it’s so different from the guys I used to date in Brazil. Obviously they are not perfect and we have avoidants and f*ck boys too, but can’t explain how it’s so different from people from other countries.
I think if someone steps back when you show interest, then they probably just weren't that into you or don't want the same thing you do.
I agree with that to a certain point but it happens that you step back and then they again show an interest in you...only for them to freak out when you reciprocate. So they either just like the chase or they're too scared to be real. Neither of which we should put up with (I'm learning this from experience btw!)
@@alligatoruk ha… just experienced the same so many times. Just again yesterday. 😅
@@Milly221 It's hard isn't it - because if you like someone, when you get some attention from them, you immediately want to start things up again but after it happens a few (or more!) times youve got to start not reciprocating to save your own sanity!
Agree
Funny how it starts off as you don't want the same things they do, but once you start moving their direction they lose the high they get while trying to win a game.
About the first set of scenarios: I think there’s plenty more reasons why someone may not show interest when you do. I know from personal experience some people are just so insecure that they feel as though they must play games, play hard to get, to keep someone’s interest, and end up scr*wing themselves over in the process. Others are simply too proud, so that they only show interest when absolutely necessary, which would be when you’re not showing any and they feel as though they must reach out to make sure you don’t actually just walk away from them. So I wouldn’t necessarily speculate about what’s behind the behavior because that can vary, people are complex, there isn’t a one size fits all explanation. The important thing is: this usually is a game of some kind, so just don’t play it. Regardless of the reason it’s being played, what you want presumably is for it to stop, right? So just don’t participate. It really does take two to tango. Be honest, and take them at face value, so if they don’t show interest, or play hot and cold, don’t panic and think how to get them back. Don’t try to read into their actions or lack thereof. Just take them as they are, and react accordingly. Draw the most logical conclusion: this person isn’t aiming to build something with me. And if that’s not what you want, walk away. Feel free to make that explicit even, say look, I like you, but it doesn’t seem that you like me much, so I don’t want to be wasting my time. No hard feelings, its just that I’m looking for something more than this and if you’re not, or not with me, I’ll turn my attention elsewhere. Be honest and upfront. This will show them that playing games does not work. If the other person is indeed interested in you but was just thinking they had to act this way to keep your interest for whatever reason, or something along those lines, they should hopefully at this point learn a life lesson, quit being childish, and reveal their true intentions. Or at the very least straighten up their behavior. If they weren’t looking for anything and were simply toying with you, they will either f*ck off or say something inconclusive only to go back to their regularly scheduled programming, which is how you know they’re not worth your time. At the end of the day, what’s important is that you get yourself out of a childish game playing limbo, and this, in my experience, is how you do it. If the other person doesn’t step up, don’t concern yourself with them any longer, they’re not worth it, at least not at this time. It’s less important to figure out why they’re acting this way, what matters is that you put an end to it imho. Because you just don’t want to be stuck in that dynamic, for any reason. It’s a waste of precious time and energy you could be dedicating to someone more mature.
Agree with everything you said. Insecurity (and pride) leading to game playing seems to be a big factor with some men and as much as we might like them on some level...who needs that shit?! 🤣 It's just makes us unhappy and who wants to live life like that? Their loss
This 👏🏽. I understand there are psychological factors at play and that a lot of men like the chase etc, but all the advice to play hard to get and answer exactly this way, don’t do this, don’t do that because THIS is how men work- ok, maybe true, but who has time for all this analysis and navel gazing? It’s far easier to put your cards on the table and see what comes out of honest, vulnerable, straightforward conversation and inquiry - and then go from there. Sometimes I think both genders are dancing these silly dances we have been instructed that’s THE way we all are. And every person and situation is different anyway. People have their own quirks, wounds, experiences bad and good, and different mental timelines. There are some common sense things that will come into play, like obviously have standards and self respect but otherwise… throw all the dating advice out the window and be authentic and honest. There’s no time for anything else.
You are absolutely right . This is exactly how I feel , my time is more valuable to play stupid mind games .
or how about they're not interest in you because you are just NOT INTERESTING????
@@johndonaldson3619 your comment shouldn't even be dignified with a response, but you know what, for argument's sake: if they're not interested in you because you're not interesting, being honest in the manner that I said should bring that to light too, and resolve the situation. As I said, it matters not why they're doing it, but rather that you get yourself un-stuck. And if you manage to figure out why along the way, that's great too, but it's mostly besides the point. In any case, if you re-read my comment, I said 'about the first set of scenarios' so I'm obviously only addressing those in which you're doing nothing wrong and the other person has some issues unrelated to you. Matthew covered what to do if you're the one in the wrong in the second half of the video. Hope that answered your question ✌️ and that you become a little less bitter and resentful in the future, you seem pretty wound up and it can't be very fun.
The ones who get turned off when you show interest are not for you. Period. It goes both ways too, the ones who contlstantly like the chase should realise that if someone doesnt show interest or accepts them, they should let them go
when you're not looking into having a relationship and then the person makes so much effort to pamper you and connect with you, that you fall for them. And right at that time he backs off.
Ain't that cruel ?
My story!
@@patpatbrown83me and you both
Going through this now and I feel devastated. I really thought he was the one.
Im not talking about being over the top, doing too much, being overly vocal about your excitement etc. But if I show my interest or excitement and that pushes you away, that itself is a great red flag
Had a guy spend hours talking to me on the phone for 3 weeks, then we meet for 2 dates and he cancels 3rd date. He doesn't care if I date other guys and says I'm moving way too fast. I called his bs and told him off for gaslighting me. He's the one asking about the future but I'm moving way too fast. I stopped responding to him and walked away. It's insulting and boring if a guy is ok with me dating other men. Walk away ladies.
Its like you said Matthew, that when someone dont show interest, that in itself is a closure, that closure should lie in the act of showing no interest. 💪
💯 when I feel like someone is chasing a relationship instead of a connection it gives me creepy vibes and drives me away. It tells me they don’t have enough going on in their life that they feel they need to glom onto mine. It’s a lot of pressure to become someone’s sole source of entertainment.
This similar to what my ex guy said to me. He initially showed interest and came on super heavy and I got scared and pulled back but after some deep conversation I began to toy with the idea that maybe we could make a good match and so I let my guard down and either because of lack of communication his life became super busy with work and I was left feeling that I was chasing him all the time and eventually me chasing him became the problem. He said that I was moving way too fast that it seemed to him that I was in a hurry to have a relationship instead of having a connection with a good partner and honestly what the fuck is the difference? It's OBVIOUS if you have a good connection with someone that the natural progression would be a formalized relationship. He said that he moves much slower when it came to relationships but yet he had NO ISSUE wanting all the benefits of a relationship, bomb sex, home cooked meals, and a warm bed to sleep in and being sexually exclusive but NO HE DIDNT WANT A RELATIONSHIP 🙄🙄🙄🙄. lesson learn for me. Don't go girlfriend shit for a dude who wants all the benefits but non of the commitment or obligations of a boyfriend. I don't do situationships.
The man has to be the one to control how the relationship progresses unfortunately. Always have your guard up to an extent and don’t cook for him until your married. I would even hold off on having sex until your engaged. One thing I’ve realized is that the women back in the old days did it correctly. They didn’t give much to a man and they got married pretty quickly. We women nowadays need to act more old fashioned to a large extent.
@@georgialee6755 You cant do it right for the wrong person. No matter if you act old fashioned or if you are unconventional.
@@elsitabebeI ended up in the same situation. Guy wanted all the perks of a gf, dates, exclusive sex, compansionship, etc. but within 3 weeks of not seeing each other due to circumstances outside of our control, he suddenly lost feelings and thought we were on different pages where I was wanting a relationship and he was pretty much checked out. No idea how that happens when the whole 3 weeks we texted all day long and made plans to see each other. I guess what it was is he was terrified of the label. Makes me so sad. We basically already were a couple but he freaked for no reason.
Learning to match people's energy is something that I'm still learning. I'm slowly getting better at it. I have to remind myself that there are other things that I could be doing with my time. Watching your videos has helped me out a lot, so thank you.
I feel like nowadays if you breathe in the direction of the other person, you've gone too far. People are just getting more and more scaredy cat.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Some people like the 'chase' so when they feel like they've made a 'catch', they lose interest.
This is so true, and these sort of individuals will continue to search for another. They will have several relationships going on playing every one. They are creeps.
The person that finds unattractive when one shows interest can be any of us in different circumstances. It’s hard when it’s the other way around…when it’s me who falls deeply for someone and can’t control showing my interest and end up losing that person for the same reason. I think it takes a very genuine, kind and empathetic person to understand that the person attracted to them is pressing hard because it hurts not knowing where that’s going to go. If I put someone in a lower category because they like me ‘too much’ I’m just forgetting those times I’m in their position and how much it hurts. It’s no more than a power game ‘Oh look at me being a victim of this out of control person that loves me too much.” I think it’s a way to look at it as well! I’m not suggesting you should have a relationship with every person that falls for you. I’m saying, be more gentle to people that fall for you and become ‘unattractive ‘ because they happen to not be a master of the rules of seduction. Neither are we !! They’re just a human being like us trying what they can manage under a lot of pressure to be ‘perfect’ and earn your love.
It’s not reciprocal interest. It’s that I start having expectations.
🎯🎯🎯🎯
Same here. And I'm talking bare minimum expectations, like if you say we are going to spend the next four days together, dont invite your friends to do an activity without me during that time period. Don't double book and then get annoyed at me for not wanting to reschedule around your new plans. Fucking man-children.
It’s called a runner/chaser dynamic. Which are all mind games. But it has to do with someone looking at the person In a superficial way with their ego that ends up getting triggered. Then the other person is looking at it from a soul level which is like the deep down inside stuff. But either way it’s toxic AF to run which is about fear and chase which is about toxic codependent attachments. It’s not even worth it to get involved in those dynamics cause the relationship will eventually get really really unstable.
It's been my experience that if you show too much interest too fast, it could cause the other person to back off. For some reason, you are not as appealing when you show too much too soon. So just the right amount of attention then keep yourself busy elsewhere until they show an interest back. No amount of chasing makes it get any better. I really enjoy these videos when you both work together, 2 educated male opinions are great! And you work so well together, I can see the comfort zone there.
Brothers, right?
I fully agree
Absolutely. You could be giving off red flags when you go too fast.
Cheryl Correct. Never show too much interest too quickly - always hold back to an extent. The secret to a woman’s allure is to hold something back. Don’t put all your thoughts onto the relationship - think about other things and have other interests so your life doesn’t revolve around the relationship.
I believe that people in general like and admire people that have their shit together. People that are fulfilled with their lives as they are. So that when someone comes along who they like, they don’t devalue the things they have in their lives and make that person their number one priority. So, if by ‘showing too much interest’ you mean someone dropping everything for that one person, then yes, that is super unattractive and I would not go for a man like that. Neither do I think a man would be attracted to a woman like that. It has to start off by slowly making space for each other. And if you’re not happy with yourself and how your life is going, then maybe you can first work on that, before you let anyone in. If you’re not happy with yourself how do you expect anyone else to be happy with you. Great video and thanks for the amazing content! ♥️
This is so true. My previous relationship started at the beginning of covid and i was really unhappy at that time (i spent too much time at home, i started university and i felt super lonely, i could not meet my friends). So my only social contacts were my family and my boyfriend. Honestly he was my escape from my family, my problems and my boring covid life. Now when i look back i was in the worst place mentally and i was so fucking desperate and honestly i understand why he ended our relationship. I have learned so much from this situation. We have to take care of ourselves and deal with our own lives and our problems.
I fully agree with you 💯💯👏🏼👏🏼
Yes but also idk. Ive seen men support and try to help women they want grow into themselves. Its almost as if, if a man sees something in u that he connects with he will do anything to make it happen, even if the woman is 'lost'. Ive seen it
9:23 That's an interesting idea. Because I've met many people like this. In the dating time, they were really interested. As soon I was in a relationship with them they weren't interested anymore.
I think for the person that loses interest has a wound where they don't feel loved or believe that they deserve it maybe a lot of abandonment issues come up most likely they are fearful avoidant in there attachment style and it also could be there pattern from past relationships because they didn't feel safe they weren't loved in the right way
The evolution of Mathew Hussey is incredible. With each video, he shows his more real and authentic self, with no hints of the "formula of happiness" concept that all these other life/relationship coaches are so persistently trying to promote on their youtube channels. This perhaps is what makes Mathew's work so different. It's so much deeper than the "everything is black and white" idea that is so often advertised by other life coaches. Thank you Mathew for your amazing work!
Ouch this one hurt to internalize. I thought we had such great chemistry from texting and our first date, then he cancelled our second date and ghosted me. He said and did all the right things.
Mine asked to marry me after 2 weeks of talking on the phone then ghosted me after the first date
Thank you for this, I read articles online and all they say are "they are just not into you", there are so many reasons and just saying that justifies crappy behavior or telling people there is something always wrong with you or not you're not enough. Sure we could be doing something but it goes both ways. I am glad you have elaborated on this topic because people disappear and it's so cruel.
I’m the time that show interest. I’m not afraid, I don’t like to play those games people play, like “don’t answer a text right away”. If that person is interested in me he is going to show the same interest, if not, oh well... good bye. I really don’t believe that a guy will leave if I show too much interest, he will leave anyways.
Being physically attracted is like the most superficial level... lowest value....
The REAL VALUE comes when you see underneath that 🙌😊
Loved this video . insightful
Hi I'm dave, do you mind me sending you a message I do love to talk to you
I lose interest when I feel like the other person doesn’t really care about me and simply wants something from me or else I’m not the centre of their attention and I sense they’re a polyamorous sort! Then I sort of emotionally check out and lose all feelings for them! I’m wondering how matthew and Stephen would catergorise that? Lol
Im exactly the same!!!! Crazy
As lucky lol!
As healthy! You’re recognizing you want and deserve more so you’re not settling & leaving room for someone who can give you what you want
This. I'm a woman. And over time you see these bread crumbs of micro cheating so I internally move on and condition myself to leave the relationship at the right time. True enough, the micro cheating intuitings lead me to actual cheating. Good thing was I was already prepared for it. I saw them coming!
You have secure attachment style
This one was really good, and scary recent for me. Loved the conversation. I felt panic yesterday "oh no, I may be in too deep". Retreat! So, I am self talking and pushing forward to just get to know them. I have to remind myself, "calm down, we're just getting to know each other." Thanks for the coaching.
Similar. She likes me, and I start to run away. Must sabotage it and get back to being single and secure. Instead, we need to press on, push through the concern and maybe, another happy relationship is on the other side
Hey am Dave,do you mind me sending you a message I do love to talk to you
No! That's very creapy @Anderson Dave
Hey am just trying to be nice no arm
No! You know we can see every message you have sent, it's all the same. Women don't like this type of behaviour ~ it's creepy! Just revisit your methodology. Have a great day!
I recently found that a cure for that anxiety that comes from fear of missing out on someone great if I don’t perform well enough, is to remember that if he’s not interested enough, he’s not for me. All I can do is be friendly and give him a hint, but if he doesn’t care, he probably wasn’t right for me. Hence. No need to bend over backwards for anyone. I’m just gonna live my life as well as I can, and be friendly and open where it matters.
*13 things to quit for all Strong Minded People in 2022:*
1. Caring about what others think
2. Not believing in yourself
3. Not experimenting different ideas / solutions for problems (life&business)
4. Not prioritizing your health
5. Wasting your precious time
6. Chasing meaningless relationships
7. Wasting or draining your energy from beating your meat
8. Wasting time by scrolling social media
9. Nailbiting/nailpicking habit for good (if you do it - consider stopping it as it makes you mentally weak + affects your confidence and all other areas of your life!)
10. Watching dirty websites
11. Drinking cocktails with alcohol
12. Gaming for hours and hours
13. Taking life too seriously
Take it easy and I hope you found one thing helpful in this list.
Ha ha... All summed up nicely!
Confused, on #7 😂
Such an brilliant statement: 'People love to buy, they hate to be sold!' 👍Love that ! 😄So powerful!
For me .....I want chemistry.....simple...
And the soothing the worst in eachother and elevating our best thing!
I guess I creeped him out and he ran but I'm startin to see he did me a favor..He came into my life for a purpose and now thankful for the experience ESPECIALLY after hearin this!! Thank you for givin me perspective
I'm thankful too bc spirit lead me to this video . Deep messages I was supposed to hear . I move forward with love amd abundance for myself . ❤️
Even tho im a guy it still applies. Finally found an amazing girl and we hit it off extremely well. But then my needy ass quickly turned what was a surefire dating scenario to her being extremely hesitant. Pro tip to everyone out there: PACE YOURSELF. Chill with the texts, be direct, tell them you find then interesting and arrange the date and then only check in occasionally, short and sweet. Dont be me
Don't you find though that is a little like game playing? I hate that someone would have to censor themselves, that almost seems dishonest. I just wish all the game playing would stop!
@@NessaMagic Agreed. People need to stop listening to these "love guru" content creators all over CZcams. Get off the internet and go back to meeting people in person. Be yourself and stop taking every little thing so seriously.
All good insights as always. Actually had someone say to me "why do you like me, I'm a dickhead to you?" And "I'm not special" despite me keep being nice to them.
Should have heeded those red flags straight away! Didn't realise until much later they're too insecure about themselves, they had to keep trying to sabotage things by picking fights and trying to turn it on me whenever I raised an issue. But I have confidence in myself and I know now it's just because they know I'm too good for them and they're not willing to look at their own flaws! I still like them but I'm not prepared to sacrifice my own self to be with someone who is right, they're not that special!
I especially love the part of communicating my attraction but to not compromise on my standards at the same time. Working on that 😅
💯 when you compromise your standards you communicate that you are are not priority and they are.
This conversation type format is hand down the best thing you have ever produced. I am very grateful to you.
Lots of low quality men "lose interest" once you show interest because it's all about the conquest for them, possibly combined with fear of true (emotional) intimacy in a relationship. Not worth the bother.
some of us set ourselves on fire to keep others warm. We do it in relationships as well, but we do it with just everyone. Because we already do this for others as well.
People who have personality disorders and aren't exactly emotionally healthy still deserve love too.
They can't walk the walk. He was looking up homes to buy for "us" and calling me by his last name just 2 months in. I kept it slow, yet when I finally told him I was starting to have real feelings for him he cheated and ghosted. Is that really me not taking it slow enough or is that immaturity or instability on his end? I feel completely confused and how will I know when someone truly means what they say to me ever again? What a whirlwind of emotional drama! I feel like I've always had strong self esteem, so I am glad he left, but I feel like "woah, that was crazy."
Ouch! You were fine. He wasn't fine.
You were okay. He sounds unstable. Looking up homes for you two to live in two months in is a little crazy. It's one thing to do it. Its another to tell the other person you did it. I'm sorry he hurt you. ❤
This is one of the best videos I’ve ever seen! It gives a very clear guidance of what not to do.” People loves to buy but hates to be sold “ Thank you, Matthew.
I love your videos and I must say that although I've been watching them just for about a week, I can feel an impact on my way of thinking and I'm starting to believe I could change my life and be happy. Thank you very much for what you're doing.
I was doing these mistakes. I fled domestic violence and I lost my self esteem. Thank you for this video.
I hope you’re doing better now ❤
@@amberpalmer3708 I am. Thank you.
I love Mathew. He explained it perfectly ❤❤❤🌈🌎 Having healthy boundaries will never ever push someone worth having away... Giving too much looks like you're just desperate.
I feel like I just went to the most effective therapy session...ever. This video really hits home for me and has really helped me take a few steps back and examine my actions, and for the first time, know how to correct them. Thank you :)
I think it wasn’t the right person then… because if you show interest to someone who is ready & wants to be with you- then they will !
If someone freaks out when you tell them you like them, then that's their problem. That person is either not looking for a serious relationship, or isn't very healthy when it comes to relationships. In both cases, you should move on.
If they aren't looking for a real relationship, why would you waste your time trying to change them, and the other has too much emotional baggage to deal with. Your probably not a shrink, and if your are, you shouldn't bring your work home with you. :)
If you find the right One, it should be easy to get together. That person is going to want to be with you as often as you want to be with them. It will feel more like a natural thing.
If you really like someone, you'll move heaven and earth to be with them. Shouldn't you expect the same from them. Would you really except less. Least exclude work, and family obligations. Somethings you can't really do anything about, but event still, sending a few text messages here and there, wouldn't take much time. Some kind of contact shouldn't be hard to do. Letting them know you're going to be offline a bit, and will contact later. Being considerate is always a good thing. You shouldn't leave them hanging.
I’m in a place as a single woman that is extremely happy in my life I’ve created. This vid really helped validate a recent experience. I just ended a 4 month datingship due to “tooooo much”. It started to feel creepy and with agenda, put on a pedestal , love Bombish. I thought because we had a long friendship we really saw each other. When it became romantic It all flipped. I didn’t see any of this until we entered a romantic relationship. Felt like “eeeeesh”. Excellent video!
When Matt was talking about how we admire and give too much attention to celebrities although we don't know them at all, I think that is related to the psychological concept of "halo effect." When we really like one trait of something or someone, we then tend to assume that the thing or the person has all other positive attributes. The same probably goes when we start dating someone and when we really like them for some things, we may get blinded and make projections about their other traits. I am guilty of that myself...
So true I'm on the same boat 🙄
Loved this video.. It helped me face my problem, that's what I was looking for bc I felt it's not only him that is pulling away but also me who acts anxiously and takes all the first steps making the other person drown... I feel I've fucked up bc I rarely let the real me show up and now I'm sad that he's pulling away just bc I didn't show him the real me... That happens every time with me... I am so insecure and sad that the other person won't take initiative / won't think about me (even if they would) that I make them miss the chance to do so by doing it myself... Only when I put myself out of the situation and see what is going on do I see how stupid and damaging this is...
Let's not forget that playing games, playing hard to get ,hiding interest can screw you just as much. And me holding back and making myself less actually makes me be less interested. So there wouldn't be any point in me being in that dynamic
It’s really impressive how deeply you think through al these emotions and their interplay, and how effectively you communicate these perceptions, often with metaphor.
I liked someone a lot and it felt very even-keeled, but saw behavior I didn't like, called them out politely, they were understanding/apologetic and I felt we resolved it but then their interest seemed to wane and they became flakey. So a lot just went out the window after that.
Same thing happened to me, except instead of waning interest, the very next day he called me and told me his feelings had "fizzled" and he didn't want to see me anymore. I guess he thought the perfect partner would never call him out on his BS, even though I was very polite. I think he wanted a doormat, not a gf.
I’m currently in the first situation. In the beginning I actually didn’t want anything from him relationship wise. But after 6 months the chemistry has increased and increased and increased… and I’m slowly realizing I’m falling for him. His energy has changed too I’m realizing. He’s a lot more doting and treats me much more delicately in a way? But he literally said he’s not ready for a relationship rn. So I have no idea what the heck to think.
If he says hes not ready, you really have no choice but close this case and move on. You’re just wasting your time.. maybe he will realize that he misses you when you’re gone. Maybe not.. but then you know how he feels. I would distance myself from him. If hes asking why you’re doing it, you can openly tell him, this is not what you’re looking for.
he said he is not ready ! you can't change his mind. move on!!!
If he is saying that he is not ready, I would tell him, "If that's how you feel, then I think we should just be friends." Set the standard of what a friendship with him will look like. For example, if we hang out together, then it has to be with other friends. If he can't respect that, then move on. He's showing you who he really is.
The title is true in itself, what I learned is that it should happen organically and if they show you they can meet your efforts as well.
Matthew you do such a good job on explaining this, it's absolutely true. Self validation and boundaries are keys in healthy relationships.
2:50 to 3.55. Thanks a lot. One can stop beating themselves up for being honest. Thank you, Mathew.
Love yourself first, then some one can love you back to know worth!
Absolutely. Loving yourself is the first step to attracting wholesome love
I use to be a giver and now I stop and think does that feel right for me I realize no is a very powerful word and boundaries are absolutely necessary I'm discovering who I am falling in love with myself everyday I'm choosing to be happy inside myself it's really amazing when you do work on yourself I'm always learning new things meditating really helps to ground me thank you so much your advice really helps 🥰💖
Ok,this is literally the story of my life these days especially in online dating! 😭 What's with people (men) being so afraid of being vulnerable! So messed up 😭! Atleast we try..even after heartbreak and trust issues.
Ohhhhhh. That’s how I screwed it up. No wonder I keep getting used! Thank you for giving me some clarity to the situation 🙏🏼
So far this is the discussion about dating that went into so much detail that is so clear why sometimes people act the way they do.
It's very refreshing.
Thanks for this Matt and Team.
This was a big wake up call for me. I just got out of a break up and I wasn’t that distraught over it because I think I stayed in it because it was comfortable and I didn’t know how to be alone. Right after I got into a situation-ship type thing and when he broke that off I was more devastated over that than the man I was together for a year with. I’m realizing now I clung to that new guy for validation and probably scared him off. In the end I had to make that though decision with him and knowing my own worth because I kept giving and giving and never receiving. He in the end was probably scared off by it, but also probably didn’t want anything more, like an actual relationship. This is helping me grieve that and get over it. I kept beating myself up for calling that off but in the end, setting boundaries is what I need. Thanks Matt for helping me and the other subs!
This video feels like it is literally made for me, so many uncomfortable and insightful and knowing AHA moments. Thank you, I will watch this a few times to see if I can Identify why my patterning of a guy losing interest as soon as I reflect back that I am interested is happening. With this video, I feel I have a good chance of getting to the root of it.
The whole point of Dating is getting to know someone better. After getting to know them, it's reasonable to learn that you don't like who your partner is on a deeper level. There is nothing wrong with that. That is what Dating is all about. Maybe their personality sucks, aspirations do not coincide with the life you want to have together, or the realized differences between you two are too great to bode a harmonious lifelong relationship. Sometimes, you may have gotten less attractive. It shouldn't, but somehow that one hurts me the most in my experiences and has at times led to a toxic lifestyle just to try to the relationship together. In the end, if they lost interest then be happy they left your life.
"If something doesn't work; its either their inability to receive interest OR your non-organic demonstration of interest." ...I'm shook. My wig is out of the atmosphere.
I agree with the statement of “unearned level of attention and affection”. But what I’m actually doing is mirroring what he did to me in the beginning.
I love these Hussey brother talks!
You show interest and they ghost you… you pretend not to be interest and they lose interest in you. I don’t know 🤷🏻♀️ really
Same with me. I never figured out how to get the formula correct to hold their interest and get them to stick around either.
@@Cranberries87 I think the difference stays in if they want to commit or not! If both want the same thing (commit for a serious relationship or just being friends with benefits). The last 2 guys I met ghosted me in little time because I want something serous while they were looking for a friend with benefits problems free.
Thank you, I totally needed to hear this. I gave too much because I know what it was like to not have love. (My mom is a narcissist and only gave me negative attention.) I don't know what "healthy" love looks like, I only wanted to love on someone as if I was making up for the lost love my inner child needed. I guess I was trying to love my inner child through them. I'm grateful to have this realization and opportunity to mend and grow and to one day (if I choose) to have a partner in life.
Hey same here-challenging upbringing with a narcissitic parent. I am a very caring and empathetic person. I also try too hard when I start to date me.
@@juliaskagfjord6207 rewriting ourselves and discovering who we really are underneath the trauma, lies, & coping mechanisms is such a journey! But so worth it. Happy journeys
To be honest, one of the more unpleasant experiences of my life was having a woman like this as a partner and giving her all the space she could ever want. I suppose it was very strong of me and it let her move towards me or not at her own pace but...she was profoundly disordered and it was not fun. I am tired of being so freaking strong and silent, it's not who I am. I'm generally happiest on my own in this weird and avoidant culture which is a drag because that's....not super happy. We are wired for connection but most people run screaming from it these days. And now I'm one of them.
This is real gold. I felt so identified, and you gave me the whys and the hows, at the best possible time. Thank you so much!!!
Matthew I must say I am so in love with this one. You are the real deal and your advice is solid. When you said,you give too much to the person they felt like they are already sold, I felt that.
You have no idea how much I needed this video. Hell, I had no idea until I found it. I was searching for answers and was lead here and I'm so thankful. Blessings to you Matthew! ❤️ I'm moving forward with these important messages and getting back into loving myself !
This is such a good discussion, thank you
God thank you for landing me on this channel and this episode! This has opened my eyes and hopefully get back my old powerful ways! Bravo!
Awesome video! Covering more of this topic would be great!
Wow, wow, wow, guys. I've stopped the video to write a comment. You are so deep and so on the point. Matthew, congrats, you are evolving so much in what you do, it is a pleasure to observe.
So helpful for me to watch your video tonight after a disheartening day... Thank you!
You just answered so many of my questions that I didn’t even know I had.
Hi Matt, I just want to give you a big THANK YOU. I've been watching your videos and started to really reflect on how I've been behaving in my relationships and mostly with myself. Everything you say is spot on and really hits home for me. I clearly see how I've overvalued men or valued the wrong things, how I didn't have boundaries, how I put some people on pedestals, how I showed no self-respect. I'm single now and ready to slowly start meeting new people and going on dates. The information you share in your videos really helps me to evaluate things rationally, to check in with myself, pay attention to how the person makes me feel instead of how I feel about them (a mistake I made so many times in the past), not overvaluing attraction but really learn how to value different things, more important things. Although it's still a bit scary I actually feel excited to put into practice all these things. I feel like all of them are really about just one thing: self love and self respect. So a huge HUGE thank you ❤️
I am happy to have discovered this channel. He is so right
they made me lose my self-confidence. and let yourself not find a partner until today.
I do that. It is because I feel that some people move in too quickly without taking time to get to know me. I would rather their 'interest' be based on real characteristics instead of their own imagination. I like a person to take their time and deeply investigate before pressing in.
You're a dating genius, Matthew! I feel so empowered and well-adjusted when listening to your videos. You have a brilliant and awesome perspective.
I finally got the answer that I was looking for. Wow. Hindsight is truly 20/20.
This is the best of and deepest I've ever seen of Matthew.
I recently had to break free from a guy who wasn't interested in having a relationship. His "logical" reason was that he had too much on his plate right now with his demanding job. We had a good attraction. But kept saying that he can't believe his luck or blessing to date someone like me, he'd say, "what have I done to deserve you" which sometimes made me felt ashamed as if I had settled for someone beneath me. I'm beautiful, educated and have a great personality. I also carry myself nicely. When we'd go out, he'd compliment me but would always say, "You look like a girl who should live in Vegas, NY, or Miami Beach. Word to the wise or unwise. Always date someone who compliments you in every way possible.
I find it therapeutic listening to these podcast, because I've reached a point where I am happy with my dating life and meeting new people. Deep down I am scared of opening myself up to someone again, but these podcasts reassure me that once I am ready it doesn't have to be a bad experience. There isn't just one way to look at things, most of the time there are reasons for everything.
Wow, this was an EXCELLENT VIDEO!!!!
I love the way you really got deep into this subject. So many life changing words here. I took notes. Very profound! This video hit me REALLY hard because he talks about giving too much and how it turns off the other person. The thing that set this video apart is that he goes into WHY, which really had me like whhaaaaaa!!! The light in my head just went bam!!! I'm soooo guilty. I now see my own part in this dynamic very clearly! Thank you Matt!
Same feeling here.
Same!!!