What I Wish I Knew When I First Became A Stepmom
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- čas přidán 27. 07. 2019
- In this video I share 8 things I wish I would have known during my first year as a stepmom. Have something to add to the list? Be sure to leave it in the comments below.
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It’s hard when the ex is not a nice person and constantly uses the kids as “weapons”
Yes!!! SO SO hard. Probably one of the most challenging things you'll have to deal with in life!
That’s where I am. It is so hard !!!
OMG...that is the story of my life right now. So hard especially when the other parent is difficult.
Its so tough. I just cant believe a mother would use her children as pawns and weapons. Its not how a parent should act and is, frankly, evil
Or is attacking you, or your partner or his family so that you have to go to the police constatly.
"Would you rather have his firsts or would you rather have his lasts?" I needed to hear this!
Wow
You never mentioned the ex! If a man has a toxic ex - RUN!!!
My man said this to me once. Eased my mind so much.
And if divorces her again all her hard work on someones else's kids! Ha
You are not guaranteed to be his last there could be a 3rd wife probably someone who is 4 years old today lol when shes 25. Some shank
The last bit really hit home for me. I feel more like a maid and babysitter than a wife or step-mom. I don't want to do it all! I don't like who I've become lately.... I need help getting ME back.
I feel you. I don’t know who I am these days. Babysitter/maid is how I feel.
I felt like this too. I was not a partner but a helping babysitter. I broke up with being a step mom and don't help, go out, shop and spend time with friends. things are so much better. stop helping out... its not your kid
I feel the same way, it's really hard to 'choose a side', on one hand I want to leave it all and just do my stuff but that would mean let the actual parents neglect my step kid and me being a witness and not doing anything, but the other side is being exactly that, a maid, a babysitter, a teacher, a person that just takes everything :(
I actually just ended my engagement due to my bounderis not being respected. I love my fiance dearly when it's just us but when his child is in the equation I'm chopped meat. I told him my bounderis, rules etc. I have PMDD which is terrible PMS. When his son is over for over 15 days in a row it causes me so much stress that I get the disorder. I asked to request the weekends off that he gets off when I get my period incase the disorder flares us since it was so bad last month. He couldn't even do that..
@@mcol3657 sad to hear that, I hope you get better opportunities later in life
When I became a stepmum, everyone gave me the good old "You knew what you signed up for". When I became a mum, everyone was like "You won't know what hit you, it's nothing like you expected". Well, actually, becoming a mum was a lot like I expected (with a few exceptions, but still). I adjusted fine and fast. Becoming a stepmum wasn't (and I had known those boys for years). It required a lot more adapting and was a lot more surprising in terms of my unexpected feelings and stressors. People who say that have no idea what stepmothering is like. Even when it goes quite smoothly, like in my case.
Nb
Just wait till probate runs along. The step-kids love it.
(Source: I’m a step-kid and victim of a litigative stepmom)
Facts..
Omg finally!!!! I found a decent woman with common sense and respectful, having dealt that I’m about to deal with.
It’s my first time visiting. I enjoyed the video. I especially love #8 Put was in the work. I am a stepparent of 7. I have 2 children I birthed. My husband and I have been married for 28 years. All of our children are grown now. It was difficult when we first got married. I was determined that I wanted to make it work.
Yes, I did put in the work and it paid off. All of my stepchildren and I am really close. I can’t imagine my life without them.
I am a witness that, if you do good, it will come back to you. Treat your stepchildren the way you want to be treated. It will pay off. Be encourage ladies. You can do it. 😘
Wow! Stepparent of seven. I cannot imagine. Well done. You're an inspiration.
It's cute that you still remember
Depend on how their mother act.
That’s great for you. Unfortunately, I’m surrounded by narcissists.
Thank you! ❤❤❤ My heart needed that exact encouragement! I've often wondered if any of it will even matter in the end. And I kept telling myself of course it will matter. Love always matters. But, I have no support and I don't know any other stepmoms... so that is really really encouraging to me to hear you say that. God bless you woman. ❤😊😊😊
I love your honesty. Step father here. No bios of my own. It is really hard. I didn't know what I was signing up for but now I know and can help spread my knowledge like you.
We should hear more about stepdads too! It's already hard to find good support for stepmom's. Steparents need guidance as well. Wishing you loads of hapiness!
My advice is run while you can.
I personally think it's stupid to get involved with someone else's baggage, there is absolutely nothing glorifying about being a stepparent FUCK THAT
I'm lucky. He never married his BM, and BM is an addict so there was never really the insecurity of being second. So I'm the first wife. Being a stepmom has been the best journey, because there is no better feeling in the world than having a 5 year old who isn't yours jump into your arms when you get home form work and tell you he missed you and loves you. I wish everyone in our situation could have such an easy adjustment.
My bf ex kept her wedding dress she never used. They never married. She hasn’t been with him for 6 years. He’s been single. He only asked her to marry him for the child. They broke up. Now she says she wants her daughter to use her unused wedding dress at her own wedding one day. I’m living a gosh darn Lifetime movie. On another note, NO ONE gets it unless they are a step mom. 🙄
Women date single dads ?🤔
@@godistoogood6362 lol only if the men are responsible leaders and father's. Had he been irresponsible and demonize his baby mama it wouldn't have happened.
Grumpy, is it still bliss one year later?
@@stickerlady1774 it is(: his BM fucked up and now she's a fugitive and left us alone.
It is always scary looking back thinking to our self "how did I get through that?!" But we always come out stronger!
Yes! All so true. Totally relate to not being able to talk to family and friends about step mom stuff.
"There's no shame in being second." As a "first wife," I wish more stepmoms could internalize this message. I started reading about stepparenting when I met my second husband because I wanted to understand him better and help him adjust. Naturally, most of these stepparenting groups and forums are filled with women, so I also learned a lot about their perspective, their journey, their difficulties, and their struggles.
When my first husband brought a new woman into our lives, I was actually really excited about it! I revisited these stepparenting groups, blogs, and channels so that I could attempt to understand her (and myself) better. I never want to be the reason my children don't have a good relationship with their dad, and I know so much of that depends on the entire group dynamic with the stepmom.
She spoke to me quite often about her insecurities about being "second," and it broke my heart. She was and isn't second. He chose her, he loves her, and he's very happy with her. He and I were just children when we met, and frankly we didn't even have a "marriage," or at least, not a marriage any reasonable person would want. We had a trainwreck that produced two beautiful children.
Our situation is very sad. She was never able to get over these insecurities (or perhaps there are other issues), but she slowly and gradually isolated themselves away from my children. Now they have almost no relationship and my kids see their dad once every two years or so. It's very heartbreaking and my kids have a lot of pain over this.
Anyway, I know sometimes in these groups, biomoms and first wives are seen as the enemy. I apologize if I'm invading a safe space. Your video came through my notifications for some reason, and I thought you shared such a positive message. I know stepparenting is really hard, and I know that stepmoms get a REALLY raw deal. But I TRULY believe, no matter what role we play in childrens' lives, the more that we work on ourselves, the less we consume ourselves with self-doubt, the more secure we become, and the more emotionally available and mentally stable we are - the better equipped we are to love these children and help guide them into happy, healthy adulthood.
she chose her own happiness over you and she is entitled to put herself first.
@@TheSunshinefee Kids come first before any woman or man.. Now their kids see their own father every two years because of that bitch..
You made me cry I literally might walk away from a man I adore and cherish because I feel I am a filler wife and partner like he would of preferred her over me and I am second choice ! I also have no kids and it was all I wanted in life and she had the guy I dreamed of the kids I longed to have ! She gave him everything and I am just there as the women he accepts because she cheated on him she broke his heart so for me I will always feel less than no matter the circumstances I might walk away it’s hard 😭
@@Sheislove144he will find someone younger prettier and better mental health. Apply for old home early as you might wanna save your spot.
I gave up my career for his kids bc of bio mom’s irresponsible decisions.
Thank you for this. It saved me from entering into a hard life.
You did goooooood and will NOT regret!
Praise GOD you decided not to get into a blended mess!!! 🙌🏼
😂🤣 blended mess 😂🤣 damn I’m fucked I have mine his and ours lol I’m in too deep
Just want to say thank you for all of these videos. I found them when I was feeling my worst, super sad and stressed about the dynamics of my step family and watching your videos have been a breath of fresh air!! Thank you for being real, authentic, and so relatable. There is no doubt that you are helping soooo many stepmoms around the globe. THANK YOU!!!
I'm so glad I found your channel. I'm a step mom of 4! I've been going through a roller coaster of emotions and I feel like you were speaking directly to my soul. Thank you for saying everything that I needed to hear! You've got yourself a new follower. You are so inspiring and I'm so grateful for your support and advice. Yes!!!! Someone who finally GETS IT!
I was randomly search the internet for advice and this video touch in everything I’m feeling. Thank you so much for this!
Thank you for sharing, I really needed it. Hearing the same struggles and insecurities in someone’s stepparenting life makes me feel Im not alone. Blessings.
Everything you said in your video sounds exactly like what I'm dealing with now. It was awesome to feel like someone was having a real conversation with me and understands what I'm feeling. Thank you.
So true! Everyone is figuring it out as we go along, responding to life as it presents itself
Thank you for this!! So refreshing hearing that others struggle with the same things I do.
Wow as I'm on the cusp of celebrating my first wedding anniversary and of being a stepmom this video is a God-send!
The main thing I struggle with is having all of the responsibilities and none of the love. It’s like no one wants to acknowledge you but they are happy to use you when it suits them. As you can tell I do have some resentment and I feel bad all the time for feeling like this but it feels very one sided with me doing all the giving and them doing all the taking! What I also feel is when I get old, no bugger will be around to help me out!!
I just wanted to provide some hope... my grandpa was my step grandpa. He is the only grandpa I was close to and have memories with. I never saw him as anything less than any other grandpa. Actually, my bio grandpa's were only a concept to me...I didnt have a bond with them. I loved my grandpa very much and he was my children's great grandpa too before he died. My mother took care of her step father for years. My grandmother passed away and my mother continued living with my grandpa caring for him for years. My grandpa actually chose to remain around his stepchildren, hours away from his bio children up until the last year of his life when he finally spent some months with his biological children. I have over 30 cousins and grandpa was a pillar in our family, we loved him dearly. Do not give up. I need to not give up too. I have a step child as well and my first two are step children to my husband and it is painful for both my husband and I but it's going to be OK, we will be stronger because of all of this and the children will be adults one day and then the dynamic will shift greatly. I cry to the Lord sometimes asking for strength and wondering why my dream of a happy "whole" family didn't get to happen as I had hoped and then I am reminded of all the other people going through this and the ability to relate and have compassion is a big blessing. I would rather suffer and grow in compassion towards others than have a pain free life. I will be able to offer a lot more wisdom and support to all the children because of it too. The darkness makes the light so much brighter...like the stars against a dark sky. There is beauty for ashes in this situation. You've got this!
I'm glad i found out video like this, yey i'm not alone, someone understands.
OMG! Thank you so much for this video! ❤ I'm struggling with all of those things and I really needed to hear that!
I absolutely love this video! I agree with this all! there’s so many struggles but it’s definitely a time thing!
Thank God I found you! I needed to hear this so much! Not even my husband is understanding fully what it means to me being a step mom to his kids. And he's a great and very understanding man! The thing with the expectations and the routines , gesh that's a 100% my life. It's really healing to listen to you!
No god but Allah
Islam way for peace and the real monotheism
Search for the truth and right way with honest heart And ask him for the right way for his mercy
OMG I so needed to hear this. Thank you so much, I feel less alone❤️
This is a wonderful video that I so, so needed at this time in my life. THANK YOU!!
Thank you for posting this!! ❤️
Thank you for your videos! I’ve been searching for some other women who share ALL this and it helps make me feel less alone. I am a engaged to a wonderful man who has a 9YO and I love being her stepmom. But we still struggle, and it’s been a battle in court with many biases against men and parenting. It has been the most frustrating to watch the system fail him, and therefor his daughter, and there is NOTHING I can do but love them. Let it go!
This is so spot on! I'm in the place you are today and had much of the same experiences.
Finally a video that is relative HELPFUL
I REJOICE❗😁 she went right to it and hit the target on the head. Great vid
This is the honesty I needed to hear. Thank you.
Omg thank you thank you so much for this video I really needed this because I’m currently in this same exact situation and i struggle with my husband being sad when the kids went back to their moms
Needed this! Thank you!❤️️
This is exactly what I wanted to hear ❤️Thank you
Yes! You seem very emotionally healthy and pulled together. So encouraging to find community in this!
Thank you for this! Needed to listen to this. 💕
Wow !thank you so much❤️ you have a release so much pressure off my shoulders and all the insecurities That I have thought ! before watching this video I truly thought I was alone I became a stepmom when I was 21 years old and yes it can be very hard and to get some used to when you’re going to a relationship like this but at the end of the day you love them no matter what and try to make the situation easier for you! and yes of course it can be very overwhelming at times difficult sometimes but we are going to think of the good. We’re all just creating memorable times with the people we love ! I don’t think there is no age to being a stepmom or even a mom of course of that it’s just the amount of getting used to and overcoming things that can be a challenge sometimes but that is OK because we’re all here together at the end just helping each other live a happier life❤️! SO THANK YOU ❤️
Your videos are great. So relatable! Thanks for all the insights.
Omg thank you for this video! I’m literally struggling with this now .
Thank you Jamie. I HAVE BEEN feeling clueless and totally totally ALONE so thank you! Getting married March 11- scared! Beyond words! Thank you. I’m going to keep watching your videos
I really needed this! Thank you for your transparency!!!!!
WOW! What a breathe of fresh air!! I totally wish we could meet and become friends. I LOVED everything you had to say! I will continue to step up in order to have an easier life.
Number 8.. Yass!! Good video thanks for being honest!!
Thank you so much for this. You’re a wonderful woman to reach out to others behind you and lift them up and help. I’m single with 3 kids and terrified of messing up what we have... and also not sure how to deal with a sometimes difficult step child... disability, as well as behavior. Your words were so encouraging, and I will save this to refer to as needed. I don’t have a mother or another woman who has walked this before me, but it felt like I was sitting at the table across from you. Real talk, and so appreciated. God bless, and thank you again ... ❤️
This!! You really are wonderful to reach out and help others!
OMG, love this!! We just about to celebrate our first anniversary, it been hard but worth it
Thank you for sharing, this was really helpful.
I really needed to hear this! Thank you!
It's STUPID to get involved with someone who has baggage, why in the hell would you deal with someone who has baggage FUCK THAT
Honestly this makes me feel a lot better about my relationship. My bf has 2 kids, I’m 26 and I’ve never had kids, but loving him And loving the kids is such a good feeling❤
@Oookayjesse I posted that 3 years ago. I'm still happily married and have an amazing relationship with the kiddos! We even all get along with his ex wife and her new husband too. We celebrate their birthday parties all together. You learn as you go. Sometimes it's stressful bc you're not used to kids, but so worth it!
I needed this! Thank you
omg this literally read everything in my mind... thank you for sharing this
I needed this so bad. Thank you :)
I needed this 🙌 definitely been struggling.
😲 I can relate to everything you mentioned thank you so much for your insights. I really appreciate it.
This was helpful as I prepare for the step mom life. I agree you get the better version of your partner because he’s made majority of the mistakes the first time around
My goodness Jamie, you make so much sense girl! I am the (now very adult) child of not one but two stepmothers (the first one sadly passed.) Your solution based presentation is refreshing. But what I really like about you as a person is that you are willing to adjust your own perspective and mindset to make things better. You are then the hero! Well done. As a stepdaughter I have learned from this and shall apply it.
Loved this video! Definitely been going through similar struggles. I appreciate the advice!
So glad it helps!
'Own your crap' ... I needed to hear that this morning! 👌
“Sitting around bitching about how things are isn’t going to make anything easier”..OOF. I needed this one to be said sternly to me so much right now ❤️
I thought this was gunna be about her getting stuck
BAHAHHAA
Yeah ikr sad times 😔.
Preach it! Amen and amen... Thank you ❣️
Amazing, needed to hear. Especially the beginning, "you have no kids and all the sudden you have them" really struck. Yes I knew he had kids and the first night the kiddos actually stayed over I broke down and bawled; didnt know what to do or how to handle it. My life went from buying my first house and being alone to tiny people running around my house and it was overwhelming. I'm so happy I found this video thank you ❤
Date a man with kids when you don't have any ??
Thank you for this.
Liked two minutes in because I completely agree. Finally I feel relatable.
Thank you! ✨🌈☁️ so much for helping me identify why I feel depressed but can’t find solid answers. This is a part of it and you gave it words
Happy I found your channel. I’m a step mom of 7 years and it’s STILL so hard
Girl run for the hills
Thank you so much. I recently got married and going through the same thing.
Thank you I needed this
I was so worried that my pregnancy journey wouldn't be as special because he's been through it already
Was it as special? Because I fear the same thing.
@@katiec7515 we haven't had a child together yet but when we do I know that our experience will be even more special than his first bc our love is real. In my case the relationship he had before me wasn't real. She used him and manipulated him and he actually wasn't able to experience many of the firsts that come with fatherhood. I also know that men don't see it as first child, second child.... but more like my child ,my child. He is so excited to become a father to our children. Having a baby with the man you love is special no matter what don't let anything ruin that.
Did you end up having a baby? How did the experience go for you ❤❤
Very, very, VERY good advice.
This is excellent advice!
I am in a situation where my boyfriend and I are moving in together officially next month (he travels for work every other week when he doesn't have his kids) and we found out today that his ex-wife is also moving across the country next month. He (and I) will now have them full-time, and it is just a lot to process. Considering his boys' well-being first with every emotion I have is very important.
Having been raised by a loving mother and stepfather, I understand that this is probably what is best for his kids in the long run. However, we are not even married yet, but I love them so much. I am also in my mid-twenties and just starting out my professional career. This has been therapeutic.
I am very appreciative of this video. Thank you.
Awesome video ... thank you so much
Loved: "Would you rather be his first, or his last?:
The fact that he even had a first and it didn't work out is a good reason to doubt you will be the last.
I am watching this as I’m about to become a step father that hasn’t had kids but I thank you as I feel like it is just as relevant
Thank you for this. Very hard to talk about all the way around. Currently dealing with the ex holding the kids disregarding the court order bc she believes I’m “abusing” her kids. I’ve never touched her kids and I know we will get through this. I miss the kids so much but seeing my bf deal with this is heartbreaking bc i feel like he wouldn’t be dealing with this if it wasn’t for me. The kids have always enjoyed being with us and she’s harming the kids the most through all of this. I can’t stop crying but thank you for this video.
Hard to when ex tells kids awful things about you. And ex controls husband.
I needed this so bad!
THANKS YOU!!!! IT'S REALLY HELP ME OUT REALLY!
Straight to my heart !
May possibly become a step mom! Thank you for the honesty and excellent video. I’m subscribed ☀️
Don't do it, it's stupid and it's not worth it start a family with someone fresh
Thank you so much miss Jaime your chanel I really need this.. to guide how to be a good step mother 🙏
Love this 💖😍😍
These videos are so great!! I'm 27 & have been a stepmom for 3 years now and while we all have thankfully done an amazing job getting along it's so nice to have someone to relate to on the ins and outs of the feelings you go through! Thank you!!!
Amazing advice
“Mom or step mom we’re all just flying by the seat of our pants, we’re all just figuring things out as we go” exactly!
I thank GOD I got you channel, I'm a stepmother of 2
I'm the 3rd wife and this is my first marriage.
Just pray a lot
yes there is no shame of being a second! I remembered when the ex of my husband told me they are always first. I answered her i better like to be the last than to be the first. surely It's not so hard to deal with step kids, if the ex wife is a good person.
she will always be first. the first memories of everything. you will always be second no matter how you spin it
You definitely right with it! But there’s a lot of memories as well that we have done ( first with me ). That he haven’t done with his ex 🙂
@@Neslie460 whatever makes u sleep well. u will always be second and second choice.
@@TheSunshinefee oh shut up you bitter old hag. He chose her, he wants to be with her, he married her. The first wife was probably a mistake that produced beautiful kids, she got the mature and improved version. You sound bitter and sad.
@@maidaali5807 'The mature and improved version'? Delusional. A childfree woman is walking into a lion's den and into the ruins of a man's life when she picks up the pieces of a single father's mistakes.
I needed this! I understood a lot of it before which is why I haven’t lost my shit
Strong women are nation builders! This one is a strong one👏🏻👏🏻
I’m pregnant for the first time🤍me and my fiancé are. We are due to have a boy in the spring🙌🏻💜 he is older than me tho and already has a 14 year old son. He lives In another state and I haven’t met him yet, it has been on my mind a lot how it’ll all go. Sort of really sinking in wow he has kids! I’m excited but like super nervous.
Your videos help a lot! Thank you so much for sharin!
You are an absolute _angel._
I think your channel is going to change my life
Hey a community!! Hi I just became a step mom and have no idea what I'm doing.😁 The first one really hit me, you only get it when you start living it no matter how much research is done.
Your stupid to even get involved with someone who has baggage
It is very, very hard. After I started experiencing what's it's like being a step parent I instantly thanked mine for all they did for me. You're not given a manual. Don't beat yourself up if you don't find a loving connection with the child straight away; that doesn't make you a bad person. Give yourself grace.
You as a step parent will be contributing to the child's life in a special way that maybe no one else can. I'm 21, my boyfriend has a 4 year old son. I know how much my step parents mean to me and that part of who I am now was down to their love, influence and what they did for me. I'd love to be that person for my step son. It's one of the most selfless roles you'll ever have to play. And don't forget you're different from the ex, there's a reason they aren't together anymore, and as this lady said, you're getting the better, wiser version of him. And never loose sight of the fact that you're probably not the only one that's affected by the new dynamic - It's probably really hard on the mother too, watching her child be influenced by another woman (step fathers and everything inbetween are just as valid, but I'm speaking from my point of view as a female).
If you're really struggling and feel unheard, please seek out a counsellor, absolutely DO NOT take it out on the child because that's really damaging to them and will be to your relationship.
The thing is, it isn't a competiton, and you must never loose sight of what really matters, which your partner and the child. You're unique in your own special way and that's why your partner loves you.
We can do this 💪I see you!
Omg i’m sooo happy i found you ! I’ve been with my boyfriend for 1 year and a half and i just recently started playing more of the stepmom role. It has been so stressful for me and causes me so much anxiety in my relationship. I love my boyfriend and i really truly believes he is the one. I’ve had the “feeling second” feeling, to being confused on when to step in and help him with parenting, to insecurities, to the wanting alone time feeling. I’m so excited it found you in this time because it makes it so much easier to hear and see other people experiences and how they got through it, how i’m not alone and TIME will heal.
This video helped me so much thank you!! I am no where close to being married, but my boyfriend has 3 little ones and this video really gave me an in site to what I am getting into. Although me and him have been friends for 3 or 4 years prior to us getting together and I have known his kids for that length of time so it's a little easier, I am still nervous the day that I will be introduced as "daddy's girlfriend". Again thank you so much for this video!!
THANK YOU !
This is hard...my step son is 3 years old...i do not get along with his Mom...sometimes i feel like running away no one understands me this is hard. Thank you for this info it helps alot made me feel so much better, i am not the only one going through this.
You are such an inspiration to me. Thank you for being so open and honest. I am a second wife and step mom of 2 and I look forward to your videos, finally someone that understands what I go through.
Awww thanks! I really appreciate that!
Awww thanks! I appreciate that more than you know!
Whoa the thing about him being upset about his kids leaving was such a big problem for us it nearly ended us. I couldn't understand it all and took it incredibly personal.