The Challenges of Anxious-Avoidant Relationships
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- čas přidán 22. 05. 2024
- Some of the most difficult relationships are those between people who can be categorised as 'avoidant' and others who are labelled 'anxious.' Learn to know which of these two you might be - and how better to handle the tensions that arise in a pairing with your counterpart.
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“There are so many ways to be unhappy in love, but one kind which modern psychology has given particular attention to are relationships, very high in number, in which one of the parties is defined as avoidant in their attachment patterns - and the other as anxious.
Attachment Theory is the term given to a set of ideas about how we love and the role of childhood therein originally developed by the English psychologist John Bowlby in the 50s and 60s. It divides up humanity into three categories according to our varying capacity to behave with confidence and trust in relationships.”
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My mom told me it’s never you versus your partner, it’s you and your partner versus the problem. Work it out together.
I'd love to hear,"let's work on this together, babe" . He won't, too defensive. Reality says there will always be problems to solve . Look at our world .
Only problem in this kind of relationship the avoidant partner doesn't want to. They want to avoid any and all problems and start hating on the anxious for presenting the problem
That’s the way it should be. Sadly it doesn’t feel that way at times.
She’s right! Pity no one taught that to my partner as you can see everything I say or help I offer offends him and he acts instantly defensive, very frustrating and hurtful.
Not as easy as it sounds
Even if you want to
Your potential other might have other ways
“Tragically the avoidant party triggers every insecurity known by their anxious lover” wow 😮
Jahdé And I’d say the anxious person triggers the avoidant too. The other side isn’t pleasant. Avoidant attachment is said to at least at times come from enmeshment trauma.
Exactly what happened to me. We broke up after 2 years. It was a long distance relationship so it's understandable that I felt alone and not close but I fear it would still be the same were I to have a partner living close to me. I crave proximity and affection so much it makes me feel so bad at times. I fear there are no people like that who'd wanna be with me. I'm already unlucky in the fact that I'm not a good looking person so I have no clue how to ever find someone
Sounds like my friend and i tbh. I love her to bits but i like my personal space.
I clearly understand when I heard that phrase. So sometimes my anxious partner asked about the boys who liked my post, but I felt being offended and refused to answer him directly (which is actually what the anxious partner wants, but I couldn’t understand until these days), scolded him for being suspicious at me and such, making me took a space away from him, and then that phrase works, I was triggering for him too for doing so.
So tragically partner wants to get to know me and my friends (and also being aware of who close to me and such) better by looking at my phone (normally, not too rush, he just wants to see my circle), but then I feel like he can’t trust me if he need to look at my phone like that. He’s really jealous especially to my close friends. But in his eyes, he see me as I don’t trust too because I can’t give him clear permission to look at my phone and act like I hide something but I truly just feel being offended by him doing so. Sometimes he asked me to block my friends because he is really triggered by my words, but his actions also triggers me and I saw him as a nasty bf, coz I don’t want to block my friends like that and why he must make a dare like that which is I hate.
I’m still trying to answer him directly to give him soothe feeling but yah he also triggers me by asking too much or sometimes tell his wandering thinking about me having an affair, it seems like he still can’t trust me for me.
Idk how to explain better, this relationship is full of triggering, we always mentioned each other’s words as “it triggers me”.
@@deph92 your making it way worse. Since you know all these things you should know how not to behave. Honestly break up, this sounds like a nightmare
Bold of you to assume I'm in a relationship.
so, indeed
exactly
Boulderdash
Sal V *balderdash
Actually the theory used the term relationships for all of them, friendships, family, work relationships. It’s just that in this video and when we hear “relationship” our immediate thought is love or romance.
Anxious attachment is the kid who had to cry loud and long for their needs to be met. They fear that without constant displays of affection and love in both directions they are not being seen and heard. Avoidant attachment is the kid who cried loud and long... and nobody came. So they learned to make do for themselves, and while the might want love and affection at their cores, they don't see it as something they can expect, and when they get it they view it with suspicion and doubt.
Absolutely well put! 👏
I feel like both. Like I cried loud and long, but nobody came so I learned to bury it all inside me. But at the same time I feel like i usually play the role of an anxiously attached partner.
@@anyasemenova4403 same
Not necessarily, but this might be going on for some.
Yes
Well... that summed up my marriage.
To bad we don’t learn such basic emotional health in school.
Who used fractions?
Until the US gets with the program and goes metric, anyone who builds/ creates things and/ or international companies will have to convert fractions.
This is my marriage as well. In the process of divorce right now. I'm the anxious one and she was the avoidant one. Didn't understand this until right now.
I truly wish I'd been on a self improvement journey a year or ago.
@@oinkPat what? Isn't she, as half the marriage, entitled to half the assets? Check your misogyny pal.
THANK YOU! Things like Marriage and having kids we're left to learn on the job, yet were never get any lessons on some of the key things you'll encounter in life.
Pat someone’s been triggered lol 🤣
I think the avoidant type can get easily vilified. I’m avoidant and tried to introduce my anxious partner to attachment theory. He wasn’t having any of it... just saw it as another way I was being “cold” and “distant” instead of trying to find a healthy solution to our painful cycle. I don’t think anxious people understand how overwhelming their emotions can be for avoidants. Also, because anxious types push and push and push for immediate answers from avoidants, it does not always feel safe to share feelings. Sometimes avoidants get judged hastily by anxious partners. Or because anxious partners are so much more “mature” in their ability to express love, they can criticize you for needing more time. Or anxious partners can also swing back and forth very quickly from loving and nurturing to angry and stonewalling because they don’t know how to be secure in their own feelings. For avoidants who move slower, perhaps more cautiously, this level of passion is confusing and sometimes just scary. Even if you’re an avoidant who is super aware of your tendencies, doesn’t mean that you’re going to be able to fix them right away, especially in a moment of discomfort. I think even recognizing what emotions you’re feeling as an avoidant takes time because often you are brought up in a household where family do not build language and awareness over emotions. And it’s really hard for the avoidant too! You feel like you never measure up in the anxious person’s eyes, so eventually you just stop trying. Just wanted to add this I comment because I see a lot of anxious-types dissing avoidants and it’s not totally fair. It takes two to tango. That’s what I always told my partner.
Wow, love the way you articulated yourself in your message. I’m an anxious partner and my avoidant partner introduced to attachment theory and I found it difficult myself to make sense of it too ! Lol Your message really changed and increased my understanding about attachment theory . Thanks !
Just opposite sides of the same coin🥴
@@lisaariottiart Interesting way you’ve put it. Good analogy.
Hi thx for explaining how it feels as an avoidant person! Appreciate the perspective! I’m just curious if an avoidant person will ever feel like trying to fix the relationship again when they have already got tired of changing themselves…. I am an anxious partner and I hope it is not too late for us to work on our relationship…
As an anxious type, I'm so grateful to hear your side of this dynamic. Thanks!
I'm in this very exact relationship, and it really wears me down. I find it hard for my partner to always want his distance, while I pour my soul and emotion into the relationship. It feels rather lonely and makes me feel depressed. I try to ignore it day by day, some days are just harder than others. :,/
Ha! I'm in the exact situation myself... my partner is avoidant & because of that I'm getting depressed. I can totally understand your situation. You are not alone..
Oof. Real
I'm also in an avoidant relationship, though not to extreme levels, I personally believe my girlfriend also puts her heart and soul into the relationship, but in a very different way.
im currently in this situation, im debating if it’s best to just let go. i find myself to be extremely sad because i feel like my boyfriend doesnt feel the same way i do.
Steph s my dear, m in the same phase as you. Exactly same
At the beginning i am avoidant and when i realise i have something i can loose i get anxious. To deal with that i become avoidant. Never a dull moment in my life 😂
Welcome to the complex world of human relationships!
95 losa at least we are consious about it and can laugh with ourselves 🤪
I was avoidant and now I’m anxious causing him to become avoidant. Help lol.
@@user-bg1sq9kz9y Story of my life...
Sounds like you are “fearful avoidant.” There are two types of avoidants.
It's like a dysfunctional tug of war. When the Anxious one goes toward the avoidant they move away, when the Anxious one moves away then the Avoidant moves towards them, push and pull relationship. BOTH people have to work on overcoming their attachment styles. The anxious one has put more time into themselves and the avoidant has to put more into the relationship.
or breakup and still to their own AS
Yup
If you find yourself in this situation, pull back a bit, put that anxious energy you've invested in them and the relationship into yourself, and remember to be a friend first and a partner 2nd. That's what drew you together in the first place.
I love your comment “be a friend first”. I thought exactly this today with my partner. I am the anxious one and he is the avoidant. I got in the crazy viral of explaining my feelings, dreams and hopes while accusing him for not showing any intensions and actions for moving our relationship to next level. He completely shut down! And I got even more needy of his attention and acceptance of my feelings. Went bad 😞 He wants peace of mind, he said. You make a lot of fuss, he continued. I realised I was too much. Put me in the “friend” position and tried to care for him. I apologised and went silent. All this by messaging only - he didn’t want to talk over the phone. He hasn’t even bothered to reply on my apologies. 🤦🏻♀️ I am getting doubts on whether this will get us anywhere good. We’ve known each other a year now - long distance relationship 😞 sooo… tough!
@@iraniindk5938 this sounds exactly like what I went through. I’m an anxious and my ex is an avoidant. Long distance with spurts of seeing each other every few months. Lmk if you have any questions
@@iraniindk5938 me to
no yall need mental health help.
I was in a relationship like that for 3 years and what I would have responded to your comment then would be “I have plenty other friends, I want this person to be my boyfriend”. In my case the person was just never ready to even be in a relationship, and he never saw me as a potentially serious partner. Slowly realising this triggered me to get anxious about losing him, and for him to start pushing me aside. It’s a special type of toxic being together that I do not miss one bit.
I was the anxious one in this relationship. He was the avoidant. I walked away. Now, I'm the secure one in this relationship I have with myself and others. I'm ready for people to depend on me and I'm ready to depend on them. I now understand that I am complete in and of myself, and that I do not need anyone to be happy or provided for. I am enough, and I always have been. It took my avoidant ex-boyfriend to help me realize this. Life is far too precious to be wasted in misery. Do what you need to for your happiness.
How did you become secure after being anxious ? Was your therapy / self work assignment ?
Thanks, I just broke up with my avoidant partner. I need to find myself happiness.
Emily Muzi Also , someone with a secure attachment style😊.
@@crownedmelaninqueen yes, true. This will become my bottom line for a partner.
Fuck yeah! 🥰😘✌🏻🦋I'm an empath with anxious attachment and 2 years before I understood this attachment theory and hence finally got rid 🙄of the disaster my ex was which happened to be an avoidant and a whore🤣🤣
i think Both anxious and Avoidant personalies are two faces of the same coin which is codependency.
It's easy to become codependent if you're simply reacting to situations instead of thinking them through.
I feel like empathy and codependency can sometimes go hand in hand as well
Good point.
maxena47 I see avoidant as the overly independent person. It’s suboptimal too but really quite different. Having avoidant tendencies, I run away from codependent people in relationships like a cat hates water
Sho There’s likely a rather high correlation since codependents have an incomplete sense of self or at least feel insufficient within themselves and empaths tend to struggle with selfhood too given that they’re in a sea of emotions that so often aren’t their own.
You are right, they _are_ opposite sides of the same coin. Usually a by-product of neglectful, absent, cold or abusive parenting, these people grow up using two different coping methods to protect themselves and in how they interact with others. *Deep down they are equally vulnerable and fearful,* but externally anxious types choses overt closeness, and avoidant choses overt independence.
I would argue that even a secure person would at times want more effort, validation, sex, etc from an avoidant partner. They may just be more patient and not take it personally at first. A secure person would just be willing to leave eventually whereas an anxious person would be more likely to endure it for much longer.
The avoidant needs time to feel safe so you play the long game. The anxious needs a confidant and minder to prevent him/her from exploding. I stuck it out for two years and ended it... to my great regret.
So basically an anxious person makes a better relationship with an avoidant person right ? However since the secure person value the,selves they simply walk away right is that what u mean ? An avoidant person can never form a healthy relationship with a secure person right and would rather use them as their personal therapists💔 not as a partner 💔
@@ranaali1391 I agree. But since I'm going to school to degree in Social Work, I think what I've accidentally done is I brought home a "project". Now, I'm STUCK
@@andrewboyddotcom You think you should've waited longer?
@@ranaali1391 not necessarily.. Avoidants typically pull away more when they feel they can’t reciprocate the same amount of affection. There is a lot of science behind why this happens but it basically leads to them sabotaging the relationship
I can consider myself quite confident and content with being who I am. But when I found myself in a relationship with an avoidant, I started to seriously doubt myself and acted needy and angry. It was so out of character because I am considered calm by most of my friends.
Yes, me too. I had been on my own for nearly a decade, by choice. Yes I have anxiety issues, but they're managed and I'm more or less a very functional, independent, capable woman. Got involved with someone who love bombed me at first, and only after that did his avoidant style start to show. I turned into a needy, clingy, anxiety riddled mess that was crying multiple times a day and lost my confidence and my independence. I kept saying I don't recognise myself, I don't understand why I'm acting like this. It played out exactly like the video said. I got upset and angry and couldn't hold it in although it was bad timing. I lashed out, he got angry, over. We tried to stay friends but I was still not myself. After a few weeks, another lash out, and an agreement to not talk for a long time. He thinks it's all my fault and I'm crazy, but within a day of deciding to not talk, I was so calm. I felt like myself again. I don't want to fix it with him. But I needed to understand why I changed so much. Now I do. I will definitely be considering attachment styles from now on.
Same. In previous relationships I never faced the insecurities and emotional upheaval than with someone who waa, thinking back, classical avoidant. Only he didn't just think about meeting other people, he did! Well that sure made me anxious as fuck...
Good points @lennie. As an avoidant we are never taught to be such a way. Growing up with no emotional handling lead us to have distant behaviours that even avoidant wouldn’t understand. It’s a shame that many see this in bad light cause many including me have been terribly hurt or mislead from childhood. Infact, I felt more of insecurities come out when I was with an anxious person too. It takes two to tango. Anxiously attached also struggle to put out their expectations and emotions. I think they’re beautiful in their own ways but openness, honesty and communication is something both need to work on. I believe both the attachment styles have an enhanced impact on their insecurities . Avoidant runs away from it while the anxious person is deeply disturbed by it. Now that I know these things it helps me get to a secure place.
I laughed so hard at the opening line, "there are so many ways to be unhappy in love" ...[we're going to focus on just the one].
Hahahah that's actually so funny
*It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything.*
Discover Your Awesomeness 😍😍😍😍💖💖💖💖💖💞💞💞💞💞💞
Dying in spirit, before death
That's impossible because you could still lose your life
Tyler Durden?
Fight club
For all the Anxious people, DON'T ABANDON YOURSELF
it just makes the whole dysfunction dynamic worse.
i bet 90% here are Anxious ones. Because the avoidant one is probably hanging out with someone, talking to somebody else who makes them feel happy right now.
Yes that's what mind of anxious like me. Think
But it's 4am they might be sleeping
Don't get even let karma do it for you
No we avoidant types like to be alone lmao. Hence the name “avoidant”
(:
@@peacemaker8292 avoidant towards partner is more like escapism
Or checking out the reason behind, being Anxious
That tongue action
Abber innit lmaoooo
IKR
Hahahaha with the sex lollll noticed 😂😂
I was like wtf
Disgusting
“There are few things more romantic, in a true sense, than a couple who have learned to tell one another, with wit and composure, that they have been triggered in an avoidant or anxious direction, but are doing everything they can to get on top of things, and hope to be normal again in a little while” such wonderful words
I have a secure attachment style and I am in a relationship with an avoidant. I've noticed that I tend to always fall for avoidants and I think that it's because I feel sad for them. But it does tend to work because I am confident enough to understand that they love me and that they just aren't very good at expressing it. Sometimes it can be a tiny bit unfulfilling for me, but its always rewarding to watch them slowly open up and learn to trust with adequate space, reassurance, and patience.
Are you still together? It's seems like my partner is an avoidant, and I am more in a secure type too, he is much younger than me, and I love learning about psychology, which is help me a lot finding about myself and my partner. Is this kind of relationship have any hope to build a healthy and secure relationship?
You should check out this video czcams.com/video/q8vlLU6yEXY/video.html
It arises one important question: why do we prefer avoidants rather than more available, warmer partners?
I think it could be interesting for you
@@queenyassgoddessgifts9418 there is hope, I've read one or two success stories and I know one. But you'll have to accept go with the relationship under the DA's terms. If you're willing to accept that for always, go ahead, if not, I recommend you stop trying to fix people as a project and study a degree in psycology if its you passion
Beautifully said🙏🏾 what an inspiration
@@kevina12 lmao! Loved your response and so true.
Im an anxious person and my gf is avoidant, every time we fight she triggers so much pain in me its almost unbearable, maddening... ive never felt so bad in a relationship
Hope you good.
I’m sorry to hear this, it sounds horrific. I hope you are able to figure out what the triggers are, and the trauma that is being brought up fight after fight.
I am going through this exact thing now... its been the most painful beginning of a relationship , feels like it’s a breakup or even worse. It’s been a month with this vibe. It’s horrible :(
Yes me too I was the anxious. It feels horrible but I overcome it and I still love him he doesn't triggers me anymore and I put boundaries.
Leave. I did. You will feel SUCH a tremendous relief. No one who cares about you does these things.
WOW this is so relevant
I'm mostly an anxious type, and my girlfriend is mostly avoidant. However, I think our relationship works very well because we are allowed to be completely honest and vulnerable with each other. I am allowed to tell her when I'm feeling isolated (without attacking her). There are days when I can be especially down, and days when she can as well; but we support each other and hold no reservations when our times come. The least we can do is be there for each other and help each other grow, and I absolutely love that about our relationship.
Ben786 This is awesome :)
I wish I was in the same position. My partner does not allow himself to be vulnerable and even tells me to stop being a baby and stop trying to be vulnerable.. currently he pushed me to the point now I need a break. He claims to love me one day and the other day he says "I said I love you to not to hurt you".. I wish really bad I could have a relationship like yours, sadly I don't know if I could get one.. as much as I want it, I also want to be alone because I am hurt.. I have to heal for a long time before meeting someone new
i think im in a very very similar position as you... whats strange is we are almost identical with everything we do / want.... except this topic. i never knew this even existed until i stumbled across this video a few minutes ago. quite comforting. i "want" to confidently say that i do love this about my relationship as well....
good luck
@@luisas.m.2848 I'm sorry to hear that. He sounds emotionally abusive. Cheers to your journey of healing!
I am avoidant. In nature, I avoid conflict or any argument. However, I have slowly improved and have done better with communicating what I really want and when I have a disagreement.
While I am avoidant, I think a large part of it is because I have a hard time calming myself emotionally in these situations and then I start to struggle with actual communication.
@loopzoop I hope so! I have been doing a lot more yoga to practice my breathing. I literally start heaving and lose my breath as I try to communicate in these situations. I also do not like to disappoint and realizing that it's not a matter of disappointing, rather, it's just not meant for me or the other parties involved.
I had the same issue. I would get too overwhelmed and wouldn't be able to say what I wanted to say. Attachment style also has to do with emotional regulation so that could be why.
I'm the same way, I naturally avoid things. Then I end up feeling relieved when things are over or when I am alone. It's a horrible cycle that I'm trying to recognize and break out of.
@@sho.me.spring53 I agree - and there is a SOL video that covers the idea of where we place people in our lives. For instance, I really hate having conflict with my mama but I need to in order for us to grow. But that has also shaped my romantic relationships and it sucks. I think I am like this with a lot of my relationships, even non-romantic. I think the key (especially for someone in their 20's like myself) is really solidifying what you want.
Right now, as long as I get to play soccer, do yoga, and have a hour or so to myself without interruption, I'm good. With people, I need affirmation a lot. And I have to express that or else I'm not the getting the affection I need.
@@makeittherapy4003 I think the problem about avoiding is that it eventually builds up. At first, I thought this may have been for the anxious person but it's definitely the avoidant more so. I avoided so much that I kinda became a recluse for a month, avoiding everything and everyone.
Being upfront and going with gut goes a long way. Once you sit on an event or habit, you think it over and think about the consequence of confronting. An example of this is seeing something I didn't like and leaving it alone. Dismissing it. Thinking I'm going to get over it but for months, it plagued me.
sent this to my partner after a fight and got ignored.. wonder which type he could be
Lol
Preach
Bet I know which one you are too
🤣🤣🤣 thanks for helping me decide not to do the same
I could send a message the house is on fire and it would get ignored
Those are soulless people
As an avoidant, I can personally say I don't think ever of doing anything dirty with someone else while in a relationship, so if that happened to make anyone anxious, most of us won't be thinking about hooking up with someone else just because we've had an argument.
Ok thanks good to know lmao I’m anxious he’s avoidant
this is one of my biggest fear in my anxious/avoidant relationship.
@@Soniaks thank god you said that, im an anxious type and thats one of my biggest fears.. though i do bet some people do.. so it probably just depends on who youre with
My avoidant partner cheated on me. Bummed….
that whole "wanting to have sex with a stranger" part sent me flying for a minute. my poor anxious soul.
I knew someone that craved closeness so much that in order to deal with the intense feelings they acted like an avoidant, until they pretty much became one. It’s like they put up a false self until it became who they are as a protective mechanism
Feel like that's where I'm headed
that is exactly me
That’s me, i got hurt so badly because i was constantly anxious in relationships i learned that the more i didn’t show i care about someone the more they wanted to be with me. Now i can’t turn back, i much rather be the avoidant that the anxious one.
Ohhh this sounds like a good plan 😁
i was anxious in my last relationship, got hurt to where i became avoidant, then left without too much care, now im anxious AGAIN in new relationship.
The last time +The School Of Life posted a video about Anxious-Avoidant relationships, I was in one. I'd been in one for two and a half years. I sent him that video hoping knowledge could help us come to a solution, but it never did. I grew more anxious, he grew more avoidant, and failing in our trist of me being less needy and him trying to show a little more love, we eventually fell apart. If anybody has been going through the same, please breathe in and take your relationship off the ventilator. You can find someone who is similar to you, and who will tend to your insecurities how they deserve to be tend to. Please don't let the toxic cycle of hope lead you on, know that you deserve more than bread crumbs and choose to be happy.
Have a great day x
Thank for your advise I am the anxious type I am going to send this video but I read your comment
Ajay Wankhede If you need anything else feel free to keep me updated. Take care x
Oh no, my friend and I just agreed to make the same compromise a few months ago: I would be less needy/demanding, and she would be more affectionate.
I thought it was going decently (a few stumbles, but also real improvements) so far, but the fact that you two tried the exact same thing and failed is really freaking me out 🙈
Aaron K Just because it didn't work out for me does not mean it won't work out for you! If your friend genuinely loves you and is trying their hardest to change for your comfort, there is always hope. Appreciate their trial and errors, but know if that's still leaving you feeling unfulfilled, it is okay to give up. I hope everything works out for you though, I'll keep you in my prayers. Take care x
@@KukrejaAnamika thank you Anamika you are very affectionate and kind
hey my fellow anxious types in this type of relationship. i am here to tell you that it gets better but you MUST open your mouth the second you feel truly unhappy or "not cared for"! dont wallow and overthink for days and then burst at them suddenly with all the things wrong with the relationship! no one is a mindreader. voice your concerns and they will listen to you and make note of it and try their hardest to better themself, even if you cant see it at first. let them grow silently and in peace, dont try to hurry and barrage them. im telling you, you have already made the first step by being not afraid to voice your valid concerns, the next step will come from them when they are ready :). it will take time and _SPACE_ and gentliness from both of you but its absolutely possible to achieve mutual happiness and understanding❤️
Zeelols I made the mistake of bottling it up and it led to a mess. i’m worried this might be the end to the whole thing.. but I’m somewhat relieved because this can’t go on. pray for me... i’ve known the avoidant for 4 years
thank you
@@amandabeebe1162 im in the exact same situation right now. I hope everything is going to turn out well, but im also relieved for finally being honest.
Thank you for these kind words.
ive had one relationship without issues. love you byron
I'm extremely avoidant..... Just the thought of being in a relationship will give me an anxiety attack because I don't know if I can reciprocate affection like I see other couples do, and I really don't know why I'm like this
How do they add videos whenever I'm in need
i was literally in the middle of writing notes from their previous video on the topic _("Why Avoidant and Anxious Partners Find It Hard to Split Up", published 2 months ago)_ , when i noticed that this new video was here. :O
edit: oh i just now re-found another one from only a couple weeks before that _("What Is Your Attachment Style?")_ , better mention it for completeness' sake.
Algorithms
Sigh...surely you realize that not everything is about YOU or about the timing in your personal life? Videos are uploaded wholly without any consideration of you or what is going on in your life. If it suits your particular situation, that's nothing more than a happy accident.
Jayanth Sai Shiva Same here, I was having a hard time after a breakup , then this video was recomended.
I understand things better now.
@@le_th_ everything we notice is about us. Otherwise we wouldn't notice them.
I am very grateful you made this. You probably didn't see my comment, but I suggested this seven months ago. This video will make a huge difference to people who take it to heart. Thank you
I feel like a lot of people explaining attachment-issues forget that it can also be caused by moving locations a lot as a child. You could have had an amazing relationship with your parents and still develop attachment trauma because you’re used to leaving friends/ people in general or being left by them if you grow up in a foreign country or as a so-called Third Culture Kid
Me me**
It’s imperative that everyone should know their self-worth n set healthy boundaries in relationships. No amount of love, patience n empathy can change a person who doesn’t wanna change for self-growth/personal development. Do not settle for less than what you deserve. Don’t give many chances to one person over n over again. You can’t ‘fix’ anyone n its not even your ‘responsibility’. That ‘one day’ may never come.
Glad smone said that
I am avoidantly attached. Had a pretty rough childhood where I rapidly learnt that others were unreliable. However, when someone first speaks to me- it doesnt seem that way. Being extroverted, Im outgoing, friendly and almost always happy to divulge personal, seemingly intimate information.
I noticed that when it comes to things Im insecure about, its difficult for me to share. I freeze, my mind races and it takes me a long time to understand my feelings because I always rationalise them. I feel like I cant tell a partner basic things like "Im scared" or "I feel hurt" because I need a rational explanation to justify my feelings. This is because throughout my whole life, my parents (who unfortunately had poor people skills) were unable to grasp my emotions unless I explained it explicitly to them. If I said "Im hurt", my mom would say in exasperation"that's stupid, why would you feel that way. I dont understand you. Theres something wrong with you."
As a result, I developed self awareness from a young age to ensure my needs were fulfiled. Expressing my raw feelings is so terrifying because Im deeply afraid that Im wrong, being silly or irrational.
Excellent introspection my friend
I appreciate your will for sharing your experience. I resonate with everything you've stated so far tho I'm an introvert. You know, my parents have also neglected my emotional needs and there's a quote I read long time ago which has helped me to overcome this: "Thank you for showing me the kind of person I would never wish to be because now, it will be easier for me to become your opposite"... I'm glad you are aware of this issue as well as I do now. Keep growing to reach your best-self and stay strong!~
that's some good self-awareness skill you have there. My girlfriend is an avoidant type and reading about your experience makes me kinda understand her.
Thank you for sharing. I hope you have a good love life.
Very well said. Relatable, honestly.
I read your text and it is exactly what I experienced in my last relationship (anxious on my part, she avoidant). All you describe is what I ended up seeing in her after a long time, after much frustration and pain.
But it cost me a lot, because she also has several narcissistic traits, so after a 2nd attempt to make it work (it was she who decided to finish in the first instance, just to keep looking for me later), she ended up being very derogatory, hurtful. It was hard to understand that she didn't realize what she's doing, besides having to stop blaming myself and trying to justify her actions and words.
But after a long process of introspection, self-care and acceptance, it begins to heal.
Thanks for share this
On and off, I was dating an avoidant who would randomly disappear for long periods with no warning. Each time I let it go because he’s the only person I’ve ever truly felt anything for, but the last time we got together, he had promised marriage and things seemed very hopeful. He apologized multiple times for abandoning me all those times, and I thought we were finally going to be together. However, a conflict arose after I had made myself more vulnerable than I ever had in my life, and he ran. Because I now understand that I’m an anxious, all of those times of abandonment caught up to me and I completely suffocated him wanting answers, or just an honest conversation. Instead, he left again, presumably for the last time. Thank you for this video. I’ve been struggling to understand the complexity of what happened for a few months now, but this fills in those gaps.
Do what I did, instead of looking for answers from him or about him , look into yourself and work out your abandonment issues. I'm also the anxious type with abandonment issues, but after recognizing and confronting my problem for the first time in 40 years I feel like some weight has been lifted. I also had low self esteem and working through that as well. My ex was definitely the avoidant style. I wish her well after she broke up with me but I need to focus and work in myself first so my next relationship is healthy with lots of love and trust.
As much as you can explain someone’s behaviour, it doesn’t excuse it. I’m not sure I could forgive somebody who just abandoned me at different points. I never really felt satisfied with my avoidant ex
hi, its been 7 months. how have you been coping?
@@tigerex777 This is exactly what I want to do now with my life now as well. I thought I was over the fearful avoidant attachment after high school in my first relationship but now it has come back to haunt me during the pandemic of all things. I want to work on myself, to dig deeper into myself and face the things I refused to acknowledge due to triggers and trauma. However, I feel like I don't really have the long stretches of time to do that without my anxious partner confronting me about why I'm avoiding him. How can I say what I feel deep inside if I only feel like it would hurt him more? Why should I continue to be going after him if I feel like he can't understand why I act like this even after telling him? Idk I feel like I just need to work through this more with him and hope for the best but a part of me is so scared of the idea of just breaking up, like it will be a chance that I will never get again and I won't find a good partner after this. I know that is not true but it's like my brain is trying to make me believe it is true. It really, really hurts.
@Shea Parrish what's your situation now. Hope there was positive progress
This is undoubtedly, easily one of the best channels on CZcams. Consistent uploads, incredible content, eye opening knowledge, and videos that make it seem as if they know what their audience wants to absorb. This is why I clicked the bell.
This is most relationships. Truthfully seems to be bc, people when they first are attracted and super infatuated, they seem to try to fit the other persons idea of e.g.%t5
@@user-yd6qk6nk2i you can get a lot of knowledge from school of life yes, however when you've been here quite awhile following all their content, you would somehow get an idea that nothing seems to work and everything is faulty towards your life hahaha
Amen !!
I agree, this channel is so bittersweet because everything shitty makes sense, it's a lot of compromise I've learned.
..and grreat animation!
I’ve finally learned how to cope & progress/maintain with my avoidant lover. I’m anxious avoidant but just was anxious with him. I run from the romantic love of ANYONE ELSE. “We found love in a hopeless place.” I have found it’s best not to overwhelm him, give him space & trust that we will always be together, even if we take space & time from time to time. I decided I want to be healthy & healed permanently. So I move forward no matter what and focus on myself. It is working so beautifully and he is the compassionate, beautiful person he has always been. I sense his fear and no longer react to it with anger & questioning. I am patient & confident. Cuddles are everything. Between us, they are our love language, sealed with naps & quality time. Best to all of us learning to traverse love & relationships successfully. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Thank you for sharing this. Currently going through similar. Some tips from you would be quite welcome
Avoidants are often made out as the bad guys, but I'm happy to see you believe, and are proving, otherwise!
Wouldn't you actually want a proper relationship, though? Where you could be with someone who actively cherishes you?
@@robertdeskoski9783am sure he does at times.
As an avoidant person with a dissociation disorder I can't even begin to explain the horrid, freezing emptiness when facing even the slightest bumps in any and all relationships. The fear of being loved and losing that love any second has left me a hermit, completely crumbling inside, ready to start from scratch every time something goes wrong. The pain is so horrible I can't handle it, thus my brain ends up turning off completely. Nothing comes through and I'm stuck in a meat prison called my body.
I see every aspect of how I behave but nothing changes, the fear is so deeply rooted in all of us avoidants. I know where it comes from, my parent is a radical example of an avoidant who comes from a violent family and I've been humiliated and let down by my "peers" all my life, never really seen as a complete human. It makes me furious to think I've been made to be like this and now all I do is ghost and hurt people out of this terror I'm feeling.
To my other avoidants: You will heal and one day being loved will be a wonderful feeling. You can work through it, I know you want to be alone but you'll end up being more hurt. Start small. I do believe in you.
That's the thing about avoidants. I feel like it's the same as anxious with past trauma with one key difference. The anxious is always concerned about giving love and upset when it's not reciprocated...while the avoidant makes no mention of being a loving and giving partner. I hope all of us insecurely attached people can heal.
Bless you beloved. Jesus gave his life for you and had accepted you. One day that meat will drop dead and your soul and spirit will live on... if you come to Christ. And it's simple. Come to Jesus.
Being a fearful avoidant, I can give two pieces of advice to anxious types:
1 - Blaming and pointing fingers to the avoidant for lack of attention only makes that person avoid you even more.
2 - Allowing the avoidant to be on his/her own for a while will be appreciated by them to be an act of LOVE. For anxious types this sounds like non sense because it's against their own nature of loving, but for us it can be the total opposite.
Ideally, both types should strive and do the work to attain a secure attachment style. Blaming each other is definitely not the solution!
@@user-yo7fx2xn8m I'm not, I'm both anxious and avoidant, which is the explosive emotional cocktail.
How long is “for a while”?
You're so right.
thank you for this. i am an anxious type and i want to understand my avoidant gf more
This is not healthy advice. I was patient with him for months. I still received nothing (I literally mean absolutely nothing). When you enable their behavior by giving them "time" you are only wasting your own life. The other person gets the understanding and love from you, and you get nothing. Unless they're actively working on self improvement and going to therapy, they will never think they're the problem and you will forever be waiting for them to give you love because they will never change.
I understand waiting for them while they're getting mental treatment but if you're waiting for your partner while they're not working on self improvement, you're only going to end up in self sabotage. You are human. You need love. Your partner is receiving the love, you are not. You are compromising. They are not. You will go insane and do things out of character. You both have to work on yourselves to not get here.
The man I loved was not a bad person. I didn't know until recently that our relationship was the way it was because of past damages. None of us knew we had to look at our past to solve our present. The goal is to advance to secure attachment, not to marinade in pain for the rest of your life.
In a balanced scenario they can teach each a lot. The avoidant teaches the anxious that every thought, feeling and habit does not needed to be picked apart and validated. Likewise the anxious can teach the avoidant that you have to shoe interest and deal with real issues within the relationship. The key is patience and unconditional love. So hard...
I think we bounce between the two states. I can be anxious and avoidant and even secure dependent on the person I'm dealing with and their attachment style
Exactly. You can be a secure person but when you deal with an avoidant person it makes you the anxious attachment one.
I am secure with an avoidant partner... it's hard to make it work, it's like always going up hill or like being stuck on 1st gear. No progress on communication, and we can forget about connection and physical closeness. The only way for me to start living a healthy emotional lifestyle was to completely divert my attention from them, from the relationship, and to place the attention back to myself. It was hard because I am use to a very balanced give and take in relationships, but it's the only way. Also, I am not sure that the relationship can be salvaged at this point. It takes two to make something work, and your needs have to also be met. No ifs or buts about it.
mishukat75,you got a smile that can make the news!
@mishukat75 what is the update on your relationship? Are you still making it work? Hope it is still going strong..
As an avoidant (I only realised it from watching this video), I've been watching this short movie multiple times for eight months because it illustrated my last relationship as if it were written about us. It was a relationship with so much promise, but it fell apart exactly as described in the video. She (anxious type) found me occasionally cold and distant and I (avoidant) couldn't comprehend how much I found the argumentative, confrontational way in which she tried to deal with it. This was often when she was drunk or at inopportune moments in the middle of the night. The combination drove us apart. If we as a couple, had seen this video last year, we could have dealt with our problems. I've learnt a lot about myself from watching this movie (so many times!) and I am determined not to make the same mistake in future. I've wanted to send a link to my ex, but it doesn't feel like the right thing to do - we haven't spoken for a long time and I fear she will view it as a personal criticism. I wish I knew this information a long time ago. Thank you for creating it.
Well, drink needs to be out if the equation, but otherwise what you're saying is spot on. I'm the anxious one but not completely and now a year later have huge regrets. Like you I wish I'd known this and we'd still be together ❤️ probably... here's her letter a year on.
"... However, it was your wish to sever the relationship and it was done in such an abrupt manner on one of our many morning walks, out of the blue. I told him that it broke my heart and hurt me deeply and drew a picture of a waste-bin and just being dropped in it, no longer of any value or use. George told me that you regretted your actions thereafter and wished you had not done things that way, which I know is true because you intimated as such in a letter about six months later.
I told George how I have missed our relationship even to this very day, which is true. There are no winners in this situation. Hard to believe it is a year on! I also have the fondest memories of our many outings and wish things were different. But the past cannot be whitewashed. I also told George that, regretfully, there is no going back. I could no longer feel safe with you and the trust is gone. I said to George that I hoped you would learn that actions have consequences. That our relationship was not without problems, just as any relationship, but was not given the opportunity to discuss and come to a resolution on any misgivings. No, it was a sudden, cold, and clean cut and just coming up to Christmas. It was truly a sad outcome. But that was the gist of our conversation.
Looking back on that time, painful as it is, I remember that the situation was only compounded by a silence throughout the following Christmas and New Year period and when we next met in the Assembly in the new year, you acted as if things were perfectly normal and greeted me cheerfully, which didn’t make sense to me at all. It made me think you were happy with your decision and had no regrets. This only increased my pain, that our friendship and the loss thereof meant absolutely nothing to you. Well our friendship meant the world to me Andy and I would never have ended it. You were my confidant, my best friend, my support and I could never, intentionally, cause you pain. To then later be referred to as a Narcissist and to hear that you shared stories that I had shared with only you in trust and confidence, well all of this hurt me deeply. I sat though many an Assembly meeting in heartache and anxiety, thankful for once for the facemask covering. Thanks to the help of our Lord, I got stronger and with His help worked to heal any resentment or bitterness, to eventually reach a place of forgiveness, and to replace resentment towards you to prayers for you with the love of a Christian sister.
Looking to the future though. All I want, and I’m sure all you want, is a life of peace and harmony. I have learned to forgive the past and I do forgive you. I only wish you the best. You are in my prayers regularly. Nothing can wipe away the good memories we have, that is true. I will always have fondness for you in my heart. I feel blessed that I have been able to move on and I pray the same for you and that you will find contentment.
Sincerely and with best wishes.
Christine
I have always been secure in every past relationship. This last one has morphed me from being secure to constantly feeling anxious. I've never been made to feel this way. EVER.
He is a Dismissive Avoidant, the relationship lasted 13 years. In those 13 years, I painfully watched so many friends in our group of circle build futures and beautiful families together. Taking holidays, romantic getaways, while our relationship remained stagnate. He told me he was going to propose to me at a special event. I ended up feeling like the third wheel all weekend. I was devasted. Constant devastation. Consistent dissapointment. He would give me just enough to keep me around and then detract himself again, over and over.
Until the day came when I realised I'd been physically, emotionally and mentally drained. I lost my marbles and Dismissed the Dismissive Avoidant from my life altogether.
All this anxiety and panic attacks that I had endured then, completely vanished when I made that decision to prioritise myself and own my own emotions.
He would blame the relationship issues on me having anxiety. I was apparently making things up in my head that weren't really happening because of this illness called "anxiety."
This is still all too fresh but so far it's been about 12 days and I'm on the healing process to recovery and I ain't stopping till I get there.
Hi Sofia, hope you feeling better now. What do you think of that relationship now?
There's avoidant and there's plain old abusive. Please don't excuse his behaviour, he may have had a tough childhood but he chose to treat you like that when he could have chosen to try harder or get help. I hope you're doing better now.
Preach!!!!
@@jeremyjub9147 So true.
@@sepehrnem9773 hi! I got hoovered back in and have left again 2 years later but the difference now is I know who he is. He is a covert narcissist. Who would’ve thought? I’ve looked into it and it’s exactly that… a narcissist. Pretty dark on the inside. No hope for any future with anybody.
These people are delusional and insane making you believe that you’re crazy. I’m still in shock.
I'm definitely the anxious type
EDIT:THANKS FOR HEARTING MY COMMENT,SOL
So am I, actually; that's partly why I'm choosing to stay single.
@@4grammaton Understandable,I'm doing the same. I'm better off alone
@@Vivi-xq1gg not true... You're better off with someone to feel anxious about...
Just like me, an avoidant type, need someone to leave and try to stand up against my own horrors of failure to face the challenges and to further control my emotions. In my lonely opinion xD love is more powerful when driven by thought, for I am an intense person.
I hope you find romance or a partner. But please remember, we love you still even when we walk away.
I hope all of you find love and companionship. Having lost my avoidant woman is very painful. She had her loveliness and joys. It feels like the end of the world and my self esteem is at an all time low, but it'll get better, I'll work on myself to be not so anxious for my own sake. Love is on my mind for the sake of fear of being alone, I don't want that either.I want to be happy with myself first. Love can come later, I still haven't given up on it or myself(completely).
@@adelahmed5886 yessir thats the best thing you can do! not take it personally. to be able to say yep this person loved me deeply, and we were of a proto-type of fkd up upbringings that does not predict us co-existing harmoniously. and thats it. you were loved. you loved. its special. and then onto the next phase of life
I have never been the anxious type until I found myself in love, with an avoidant partner. It might be not so much that these two attract each other, but that the avoidant party triggers everything even in a normal person. I'm a ball of nerves and anxiousness thanks to him. Never was like this in different relationships.
Same. I just took a test, and then realized I was more the avoidant and he more anxious, but when we married it switched so quickly!
Maybe being a “normal person” doesn’t mean completely secure. The anxiety may be a deep part of your shadow which needed to have light shed on it. If you ever get into that kind of relationship again, maybe use it as an opportunity to try and develop a complete sense of security.
Same here
Same I didnt know I was an axious and didn't know all of this until i met her.😂
I use videos like these to psychoanalyze the characters I write in stories.
This definitely describes my current main couple.
@alejandra perdona unless DisneyFanatic is secretly RR Martin, I'd say not. 99% probability no one will read anything most people write. What relationship attachment does Cersei and Jamie have I wonder :P
@@CircumcisionIsChildAbuse Cersei is avoidant. Jaime is secure
@@TheTonyEntertainment His character might have...changed (I don't know what version of him you're referring to, the real version or the show) but he's certainly not secure, but he is trying to be. He at least manages to admire Brianne for her noble qualities and courage to continue fighting no matter the adversity she faces, which compared to him, says a lot. When you are born with everything you ever need, and yet pale in comparison to someone like her. He turns away from Cersei (narcicism and arrogance, after all, its his TWIN) he pursues his own path, personal responsibility. Finally choosing to become a man.
@@CircumcisionIsChildAbuse is Cersei avoidant?
@@TheTonyEntertainment might be anxious, its hard to say, its not like we have much to go on. She does seem to be quick to cast people away after having long relationships with them. Look at how she treated jamie as soon as he started acting distant.
Just recently broke up with her weeks ago. They're confusing. She's the avoidant and I'm the anxious. Once you attempt in communicating both of your problems to them, they make you question your reality by unconsciously/consciously gaslighting you such as "You're exaggerating/ You're overthinking/Stop being dramatic/Can you not take a joke?".
And right now she's trying to reach out, but now I'm just reciprocating the silent treatment she gave to me.
damn good for you
I was in a relationship with this guy and I wasn't even sure if I loved him but I felt this deep want for him. However, he always seemed to say he loved me while pulling back, and I think this is a classic example of this relationship dynamic bcz I would feel hurt and insecure and volatile, and he would want space and have fantasies of having sex with random people. I feel a whole lot better knowing about this
How do you know about his fantasy? Like not trying to be rude just I believe you may be making assumption that may not necessarily reflect reality
@@mysteryjunkie9808 Maybe he told her. Hard for her to know otherwise.
Oscar Goodwin23 Yeah it's what the other person said: we had a really difficult emotional conversation after he broke up with me and one of the things he talked about was liking other guys
Dumfries Spearhead lol I'm sure you're coming from a good place but I'm a dude
Ender Wiggins I am sorry this happened to you, however I am glad that you now know the type of guy that you were dealing with. If you both stayed together for much longer, I am almost sure that he would’ve cheated since he admitted his honest feelings after the both of you broke up.
For now, I would say focus on yourself and don’t become attached to expectations, outcomes, or people. Practice honing in on your discernment and from there, you’ll achieve a form of peace.
But should the person really be labelled anxious? Its the behavior of the avoidant person that is making the other person anxious.. if the "anxious" person was in a relationship with someone that wasn't avoidant then presumably they wouldn't be anxious as there is nothing fueling the doubts.
An anxious person in a relationship with a secure type often still has bad insecurities and fears, though not as bad, and will put so much into a relationship that they often get lost in the relationship and have a hard time viewing themselves as a complete, whole person without their partner. Theyll lose their hobbies and friends because theyre putting so much time and effort into the relationship.
Yes, but not true 100%.
I just found i'm anxious, after the most hurtfull breakup (i think she is avoidant, and a lit a bit narcisist).
I had a relationship with a very emotionally mature person, she had boundaries, very good comunication skills, and every time when i was triggered, she knew, and made me to come down to earth every time.
But i was felt a little like a child, every time I realized I was doing something wrong. It was my most relaxing relationship.
I have been avoidant most of my life. Solitude has always been my number one thing but lately, I've been starting to close myself off so much. It's so hard for me to ask for help, let alone say "hey, how are you?" to people. Getting a word out of me is rare. A part of me is okay with this because I hate socializing anyway and rather be alone but I always wonder about what I'll miss out on. My parents have the craziest experiences without the existence of a smartphone and we pursue a nonexistent life on social media. We have no idea how good we got it.
Ironically, this is my relationship currently. I am the anxious person wanting to feel loved and understood, but I know I can't be because my avoidant partner "can't" take the time to understand me.
@@xxxmochibaby leave you deserve better
Imagine being an anxious partner in a long-distance relationship where you don't see your avoidant girlfriend for months and there are times when you don't get to talk to her for days because she needs her "me time". Also, she prefers to text rather than talk. It can be a real nightmare at times.
An update: We broke up last month.
@@SaadIslam7 that also happened to me.. we broke up a month ago, exactly the same situatuon as you...
How are you??
@@alejandram2960 hanging in there. Breakups always suck, especially if you don't even get a proper explanation. Hope you're doing well. Cheers!!
@@SaadIslam7 yes sure, I understand, I send you a big healing hug...
@@alejandram2960 Thanks. To you too.
I used to be in an anxious-avoidant relationship and it really didn't turn out well. I'm the avoidant and not only do I avoid emotional situations and closeness, I also back away from physical contact when it comes up because I've very rarely received any except when I was very young. I believe that for an anxious-avoidant relationship to work, both have to grow past their weaknesses and learn how to move toward becoming more securely attached. Otherwise, the relationship will never work
I think that "simple" insecure attachment styles like avoidant or anxious are more easy to handle in a relationship than disorganised styles like FA or DA. If FA if they are not able or willing to communicate their many times abrupt switches from anxious to avoidant behavior or feelings towards their partner it is a rollercoaster of emotions, conflicts in a romantic relationship.
I remember learning about this in my psych class. Interestingly enough, the only combination that does not work (will always end in a breakup eventually) is avoidant- avoidant
But can you explain why it will not work?
Luzubal Avoidants walk away- when two partners walk away and no one is chasing or trying to make it work, then it dissolves.
@@sshuteandrew Yes right, actually it seems logical, thank's!
I was literally in a relationship like this. Whenever I address issues, he was always avoidant of me and requests he wants space. I've tried to give him space, but then his actions were like he was single. I get very angry for his insensitive doings. I hope he gets to see this video. Unfortunately, we split up because our relationship was getting toxic. We hurt each other and resulted to hatred and vengeance. We argued and no one wants to be heard by each other. :(
Is it still the same? This sort of amplitudes my situation
@@thestalbeing4055 wow, It's been almost a year. Update, we are getting married next month. We're both happy and luckily he changed. We worked on our toxic ways. He was now very cooperative. A lot of things could happen. Work on your situation. But it is important to give each other's space.
@@aubreyjewelteves9612 I'm really happy for you! It's amazing that he did love you enough to change and vice versa for you to cooperate. I think my breakup was final though, because he's hating me so much and has turned into a completely different person. I'll keep working on myself though, thank you :)
@@thestalbeing4055 you can do it! Love yourself first and enjoy your life being single and free. Good luck!
@@aubreyjewelteves9612 this is such a beautiful update. I’m so happy for you. It’s giving me hope that one day we will actually be able to work on this and be healthy and come back to one another. Thanks for sharing!
Married an avoidant personality, 25 years later walked away. What a change. Joy reentered my life.
It’s kills me because my partner is avoidant and anxious one . While I want all his attention , affection and love he’s very comfortable being distant and creating more distant and quite … it’s has been 4 years and I’m emotionally so drained but I’m super attracted to him and his like a drug to me … I feel broken
I hate to be categorized by psychological theories in such an eerily transparent manner, but as an avoidant type who is currently entering in to one of the most passionate relationships of his life -- with an anxious type -- it's hard to deny its validity. Luckily she is a psychologist and so the ideas discussed in this video will make for a fun and enlightening conversation when I talk to her next. :-)
That sounds interesting. And i'm glad you talked about the 'categorisation' as well as i feel the same, being boxed into one category never really sits with me. even with these things, and with other people in the comments, people can clearly be a mix of different attachments styles or don't fit neatly into just one. i'm also studying psychology. i think if people are more open to these ideas of attachment, and these things become more commonly known, it will certainly help.
Are you still together? It's seems like my partner is an avoidant, and I am more in a secure type, he is much younger than me, and I love learning about psychology, which is help me a lot finding about myself and my partner. Is this kind of relationship have any hope to build a healthy and secure relationship?
@@queenyassgoddessgifts9418 Wow, it is interesting looking back at this video and comment from two years ago. In response to your question: yes, we are actually still together and will soon be celebrating our third anniversary! It's cool to see this, I think when I wrote this comment on the video, we must have been in the latter end of our honeymoon period. We definitely have had difficulties, but with those difficulties have come lots of understanding. I can't tell you how many times we've had to have long, challenging conversations deep into the night about our automatic behaviors, schemas, insecurities, and the whole host of things that can come up in these sorts of relationships with insecure attachments. Although in overcoming this dynamic, we've both grown tremendously, and that, as well as her being an absolutely beautiful soul, is something I continue to strongly value in our relationship. Everything just comes down to communication, and in particular, in creating an open, trusting, vulnerable environment for expressing feelings to one another so that you can untangle those tricky dynamics that come up. We've done pretty well in this the past year, but we are by no means perfect, and we may have many years to go in working through it. She has been in therapy to address her anxiety (and related things). Although you would think there is not much she could get from therapy despite working in the field, it has actually been a wonderful source of insight. Even psychologists need therapy! I may very well go to therapy soon as well for the issues I faced in my youth which led to me developing an avoidant attachment. All-in-all, I'd say insecure attachments can be overcome, although it is difficult and if you're entering a committed relationship with someone who has difficulties forming secure attachments, then I'd say it's something that you should take care to reflect upon.
@@treyshaffer Thank you for the update.
I only just learnt today about ‘anxious-avoidant’ relationships and School of Life posts a video about it 😱
If you want to find out more about relationships and don't know his channel click the link for psychotherapist Craig Kenneth he has really transformed me in the past 8 months. czcams.com/channels/O60mX6WGDgrk0R27c8COKQ.html
I learned it in class as well except it was called “insecure avoidant”
I'm in this kind of relationship right know. It's so consuming. I tried to talk to him many times and each time he says that he'll try to pay more attention to me and all but nothing changes . I try my best to not being too needy or clingy, but it's so hard when he doesn't even ask you how you're doing.
He's a nice guy but he has such thick walls around him and I'm so tired of feeling so alone. I have to break up with him, I know. I will. Even if it's the right thing to do it hurts.
I hope you're doing well. Plenty of times where we feel that delaying the separation only helps. It's excruciating dilemma enough to even pinpoint the exact errors in need of fixing. Is it his cowardice or your excessive demands? It's torture desperate for resolution. And the sad part is when the people are convinced it's their fault instead of just facing the truth, that they're just incompatible.
Nyalede i did it three days ago. i think part of him is expecting me to go back and part of him is glad to see me go as the relationship was becoming too intense
I know how you may feel to be honest. No matter how many times you tell them they never seem to understand and when you do convince them they go right back to their old ways as if you didn't talk to them about your concerns
How are things now? I've been in such a relationship for 4 months, and I don't know what to do
wtf if u were loving eachother a fucking school of life video wouldn’t change that
I am both anxious and avoidant but mostly anxious. Once I realize I’m not going to get the affection or attention I want, I just go cold.
whileimonmars same :,)
Woah
I think the avoidant person creates the anxious attachment.
Now that I think about it. Yeah maybe they do.
Such complicated life. 😥
I wasn't anxious before getting married to an avoidant
Maybe they become avoidant because of the other party's anxious attachment. Or maybe, just maybe (as pointed out in the video) these are two distinctive personality types created in our early development.
Disagree: An anxious preoccuppied person would even drive a securely attached partner away with clingyness and temper tantrums eventually.
I think they both trigger each other to get worse. I wonder if there's any hope for these kind of relationships to work.
This is my last relationship. I was the anxious one, she the avoidant one. On top of this, she has a meek, kind and agreeable temperament, whereas I'm "passionate" and disagreeable. We loved each other so passionately (I'm really not over it, nearly two years later) but we just couldn't care for each other's core needs. I accused her of neglecting our family, she accused me of emotionally abusing her (by way of implying that nothing she did was ever good enough). I don't think I will ever want to be in another relationship again :)
We all need some psychological help and healing. Make sure you're good for you before getting in a relationship bb, you're worth it, and so are future people.
Thank you school of life. After a 5 year traumatic avoidant-anxious (on again off again) relationship in my early 20s, that I could never properly make sense of, I am grateful for this closure. Somewhere I hope my ex has watched this and understood himself better. I know it has helped me. Funny how love is.
That's life
As funny as it seem's
But this fine ol' world it keeps spinning around.
Saludos.
Can't help it but to feel some sort of relief, and somewhat nostalgic about so many good times I lived with her.
Traumatic is the word. I managed it for just over a year. Never have I felt so lonely and needy in a relationship
Dealing with this right now. I’m the anxious one.. He never gives me validation unless I ask for it or bring it up. He’ll say he loves me and cares about me, but then ignores me the next day and the actions dont line up. I feel needy and have expressed that to him, and he said he’ll make me feel better and wanted more but it’s been weeks now and he hasn’t changed. I love him so much but I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ll spill my emotions of how much he means to me and that I do need reassuring and to be given the same love back I give him, and he’ll just lightly agree and move on.. it hurts a lot.
I am an anxious person and was in a relationship with an avoidant man for years. I felt like I was losing my mind. I am now with someone who is a lot more secure and it is so easy to trust in him and not spiral into feelings of self doubt and uncertainty. There was a time when I would assume the worst and take it out on him but I knew I was always overreacting, a part of me was just so insecure. So I asked him to promise to tell me if he ever has a problem and unless he does, I will not assume the worst. He agreed and I trust his word and I no longer feel the need to doubt him. Maybe the securely attached can show us all the way.
I'm an avoidant, and I do everything they say in this video, thanfully I have learned about it, im aware that I harm the people I love with certain unconciouss actions and I've been working on trying to show up more and be more confident on any kind of relationship.
For years my parents made me feel insane for correlating any of my current problems to the way they raised me. They would refuse to take any blame for my pestering anxiety, low-self esteem, and insecurities and constantly gaslit me by saying i was 'just a shy kid' or 'there's no perfect way to be a parent'. I constantly felt guilty for blaming them for any of my troubles and in turn, now take 100% of that burden on myself, which has led to an immense amount of self-hate and self-depreciation. It's so interesting how much of psychology is linked with early childhood development, I had absolutely no idea.
Sophia player,Your lovely smile 😊 can make the news!!
I know this is late, but this is exactly my parents!!! It's like they're so over critical.
Hey, Sophie. 👋 they were dumped on by their parents, who were dumped on by their parents, and it goes back to Adam and Eve. We are flawed people, all of us, and we pass it on to the next generation. The girl sitting beside you has her kinks and buckles, so cheer up. You're flawed, but you're at least as good as the next girl or lad. Jesus died for you because He sees perfection. Do the deal with Jesus, and in God's eyes, you will be without wrinkle or spot - perfect. Right now, you're no worse than the next guy.
This describes my situation perfectly. She was initially totally into me, as the weeks progressed I began to open up and in her eyes came across as needy, she pulled away and had a one night stand with a stranger 😳
same
It just feels like the anxious partner takes the emotional hit and the avoidant partner walks away unscathed.
haha, you'd be wrong, as an avoidant, its honestly cripplingly sad, the intimacy itself, the closeness it brings feelings of discomfort, intense feelings of inadequacy, you feel underserving of the affection, so much so that when you do receive it just makes you feel worse, so much fear being genuine or trying to talk about ones emotions, you just, shut down totally unable to say even a word. Its not like we dont want intimacy, we want it, just yeah, painful and terrifying. sorry if this is just gibberish to you ahahahaha
@@maxxieuwu6117 it’s not but what if it’s somebody who’s worked with a person for a long amount Of time dating like a year plus and this person is still icing me out I’ve tried to get them to know that they are deserving of love I don’t mind reassuring people but this is not the first time they’ve done this
Avoidant are sociopaths so yes you are correct
@@maxxieuwu6117: Yeah, this sounds like the typical self pitying talk. Me me me. Go and seek help and stop making out like it's not your responsibility to fix your own problems.
@@PeteMDwhat
I was anxiously attached , got hurt multiple times and became a fearful avoidant. Now I just break up with people who neglect me because I know they will soon break up with me.
My mind is blown. I was in an anxious(me)-avoidant(her) relationship which sadly fell apart last month. Didn't know why I always got frustrated and argued with her all the time till now. It got to a point where I verbally abused her at several occasions. I'm ashamed of the way I spoke to her. But now I know what was wrong and can work on bettering myself, my poor self esteem and array of problems.
Hope she finds someone better who understands and treats her well.
Thanks a lot.
She won't find someone else better than you. You're the best. You're the best. You're the best.
You deserve love too. No one to be blamed in this case.
I'm straight up capable of being both at different times, namely, the opposite of whomever I'm with at the time. My last relationship I ended because I felt completely overwhelmed by expectation, felt I could never meet her needs for attention and time, and I felt watched, monitored and scrutinized, particularly online. And now in my current relationship, despite it actually going really well, after a few days of her being a little more uncommunicative than before I find myself right now deeply anxious, wondering what could be wrong, what must have changed... Just goes to show that we're natural emotional thermometers that can dip and rise depending on what we receive, and of course in turn, give out. The more balanced and happy we're able to be within ourselves, separate from the influence of our partners, the more likely it is that they'll be there too.
I used to attach anxiously but I was so heartbroken that I have now become the avoidant person I once despised 😞 I’m so glad I found these videos to finally realise that!
My experience:
My avoidant didnt help matters bc they refused to communicate. When they did communicate, they came to the table w/ a know it all attitude...even dismissing psychologists we’d gone to - essentially refusing to acknowledge their part in the dysfunction. Any display of love or emotion is considered ‘too clingy’, whereas in previous secure relationships those acts were perfectly normal and healthy. I’d never been an ‘anxious’ until dating an avoidant. I can see how in some cases the anxious may initiate the problems, but reflecting on my own experiences, avoidants seem the toxic partner on infinite levels.
I think I’ve been in two anxious avoidant relationships, except after the first one, I switched roles. Went from the anxious party to the now avoidant one, and the reason it works is because I’m bad at remaining avoidant and can always see how I caused the issue after the confrontation. My empathy lets me maintain and be honest in a good relationship, and without it I’d never know such a deep unfathomable love.
This is a great reminder as to why I am done with relationships. Even friendships. I'm at peace alone.
This resonates too much right now.
Being alone has to suck though, there actually is a lot of good people out there to be friends with
It’s all about communication and self awareness. Triggering will continue, generally until all the unconscious stuff becomes conscious. It’s difficult to balance emotions when both people are not on the same page, and next to impossible when one side shuts off communication.
KT,you look stunning
So true that the avoidant won’t be off in the other room reading about psychology. Hehe.
Factss they dont think deeply about their actions. They AVOID. lmao 🤣🤣🤣
Only the anxious partner will be so eager to know more about each other and alter the situation...lol
It was the opposite for me tho🤣
Uhm, I'm an avoidant and this is completely untrue? Lmao
@@addwasabitomycoffee5811 that’s good to hear, so there is hope!
i have this situation and it almost shocked me when they said the “have sex with a stranger” because it really is too accurate. i hate being the anxious one.
I sometimes feel that I am both types, depending on the relationship I’m in
Having just been broken up with after a seven year relationship with by the best person I have ever met, wish I had been more aware of this earlier. I have always found it difficult to express myself (or even be aware of my own feelings), particularly in relationships. Over time I found our relationship smothering and overwhelming, but I still loved her. Unfortunately I couldn't make sense of my feelings and instead of taking a risk and sharing how I was feeling, I ended up keeping them to myself as I worried she would perceive this as rejecting, and to be honest the idea of being vulnerable with her in this way felt absolutely terrifying. I think keeping these feelings to myself was the worst thing I could've done. She experienced me as distant and thoughtless, and I resented not being able to share how I felt, despite this being my own decision.
I don't blame her for leaving me, I can understand how this relationship must have been hell for her. I feel a tremendous amount of sorrow, regret and guilt for the pain I caused. I only wish I could go back in time and try and do things differently, perhaps share a video like this and use this as a starting point to talk about it.
Man, you're carrying a heavy load. I finished with my avoidant a year ago and I have to remind myself why because I'm not a fool. I had a huge investment in our relationship and didn't do it lightly. She wrecked my head. But I still love her. There are reasons for your avoidant behaviour. Findnout the reasons and address them and talk Bout them.a lot. Then they will go away. Talk to everyone. You'll be dead shortly and everyone will forget.
Been in one for 2,5 years now (I’m avoidant; she’s anxious) but somehow we’ve made it work so far.
Mostly because of communication and as Alain mentions in this vid: knowledge of our issue(s).
I was in a marriage with anothet anxiously attached person. Starts brilliantly. Stuck together like magnets. But when it goes bad it goes horrifically bad. Both triggered parties ramping up higher and higher emotionally without any way to calm things down.
The real solution is to end your toxic relationship and spend all the time you need to working on your early childhood trauma until your self worth and boundaries are strong enough to not be drawn to a partner who reflects either your avoidant or anxious parent.
No point ending one toxic relationship only to careen head first into a new one.
I have seen it described as being your own ideal partner. But for me it has mainly been giving myself the parenting I needed at key moments early in life.
I can’t really say I’m one type of category wholly. I’d say I relate more to being avoidant, but I do have the capacity to be understanding, acknowledge my mistakes and strive to make them better.
At the end of the day, I’d rather be alone than make anyone suffer.
This hit me like a brick wall.
No matter how hard u try, this type of relationships unfortunately always and usually end. Im terrified of meeting another avoidant person, it was the most draining experience of my romantic life.
I have learned to take deep breaths and just calm down and not let the anxiety get the best of me because when it does, it gets pretty hot and I burn the place down.
This video hit so close to home for me. I just got out of dating someone and we shared quite similar patterns - anxious (me) and avoidant. Although I can't go back in time and fix things, I'm really glad that meeting them made me learn a lot about myself.
Be patient, calm, and listen. I think it can go quite a long way!
(I'm avoidant) I'll try... Only the long way can truly fulfill
I was with an avoidantly attached person for 17 yrs and it was the worst time of my life. I wish I had left sooner. Guys that I date now treat me with love, dignity, and respect and I couldn’t be happier!
I am truly amazed with the frequency with which these videos appropriately pop up at a needed moment for my contemplation. I recognize that this channel is a serious and thoughtful one, but it escapes my understanding how they seem to pop up into my field of vacation just at the correct moment. Very thankful for your channel.
Yes, communication. It solves almost everything.
As the avoidant partner. I feel it’s best to communicate without tension. It’s best for me to communicate when I’m not being forced to do it. Most times the anxious one doesn’t allow time or space for me to process. I start feeling overwhelmed by the criticism and want to flee. Which makes things worse but why would I sit around and be constantly nagged when I do everything in my power to make the relationship flow behind the scenes. Always being there for and catering to the anxious party, but when I just want to be left alone it’s a problem. The anxious person looks at it like their unloved or unheard when it’s not like that Im just trying to keep the peace. I can blow off steam and come back ready to discuss the issues at hand but when you don’t do it when the anxious party expects you to you’re the bad guy. If you have a mate who is chill don’t try and pressure them because underneath that chill we probably don’t get mad at every little thing you do but if there is something that needs to be expressed I will say what I have to say without the attitude and without being demanding like the anxious one.
That time that it takes for you to be alone and analyze the situation without feeling overwhelmed is in many ocasión not short. And for someone with anxious attachment it means experiences very strong anxiety until the other person decides to come back (which it feels like they might won't do). Is not about imposing each other's needs to the other person but to be aware of your own behaviors and the other person's as well. When they are pressuring you and expecting something from you that makes you feel bad, it wouldn't be okay that you had to overlook the fact that you feel bad to please them. It's the same the other way around. It's very complicated to be honest. Probably it requieres to fully trust the other in other to be able to open up about your insecurities and being welcome by the other with understanding and love. Still very complicated.
Sounds like your black n white thinking says it’s all them. This is normal for an avoidant, and probably codependent overly responsible person prone to feel guilty. Or fear of guilt? High contentiousness too?
Finally a comment i can identify with
Awesome insight! I’m anxious and I find what you say is true even for me. I don’t like being forced and my girl friend is avoidant. I have found that the more space to cool down and to not pressure her the better it is for the both of us. Thank you for your insights🙏🏻.
The avoidant partner creates anxiety where there was none before. I recently pleaded to get back with my avoidant partner ànd was met with a flat refusal. I'm glad.
This described my first real relationship too well. I feel better about myself knowing this isn’t so uncommon an occurrence. I had always felt like it was something weird about myself, thank you for the video School of Life
I’m so glad I have someone I can talk to openly and want to fix the problem together, it helps you grow stronger in the long run! don’t over think what you want to say, get it out or else you’ll be stuck on it and your feeling towards the situation won’t get any better in your head. Let it out, be free in the physical, learn from your mistakes, n don’t b afraid to grow :)
I started being the avoidant type, then the anxious type... and now I'm half-half.
I think it depends on how the relationship goes, including the traits of both partners as time goes by.
This feels like me and my gf right now. I’m the anxious guy, and she is very avoidant. And we recently had a fight that basically went like what went on in the video. I can understand both sides, and I’ve been urging my gf to check these videos out to help us learn how to coexist a lot better in our relationship.
My constant affection wears down my gf and she closes herself away from me, which triggers my anxious attachment style and other issues to go rampant. I understand that I would be the cause of the distress, but the way my gf responds and handles it isn’t ideal for each of us. We both have the capability to be emotionally stable people, and open communication and learning from one another will help us achieve our goal of marriage. Right now I feel like I’ve been shut out for the most part, only let back in by the end of the day. For my gf, it may seem different, but we both cause this issue together.