You described my husband at the very end. Rigid fragile ego, personality disorder. He is willing to go to counseling but not sure what counselor we need to look for to help him.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I recommend checking out “emotionally focused therapy”. It’s one of the most effective forms of therapy in relationships.
It really helped me to hear the part about how open hearts must relinquish their control in order to receive. That was absolutely healing for me. The question I have for you now is, how should an open heart respond if their avoidant partner wants to leave stating ‘you’re too good for me?’
100% true. My best friend/ex fiance of 17 years is doing that to me right now. I want to get back together after circumstances forced us apart and back in the same household 7 months later. She wound up staying with a guy she met on Hinge right before we got together and started dating him. He broke up with her in January this year and came back to me. She responds by ditching without so much as a word back to her ex's place for the last 2 months and says it's because I'm always "up her ass" as she puts it. Discovered attachment science about 3 or 4 days ago and have been reading and researching as much as I can. Trying to get to the point where I'm just over her. I'm a million percent anxious and she gives off serious avoidant vibes. It's definitely not working.
The avoidant part of me wants to run away and be single forever because I hate that in relationships the anxious part of me is awakened. I feel I'm in a constant battle with myself...push them away...no pull them closer...work on the relationship...no give up....let them in...regret it and then feel resentful that they aren't letting me in. I feel less crazy when I'm single. Less broken. Less traumatised and triggered and yet I know deep down that only in relationships can I begin to heal 🤯 Add in the fact I only seem to be attracted to other avoidants?! 💥😢
I really get this. I swing both sides of the spectrum and so does my person of interest. I miss not needing anyone but I can see how the relationship has enriched my life and forced me to work on deep healing. I just hope to be gentle to myself and others. 💖
Aww thanks both for the replies. Sorry you both relate really cos it's so difficult. I wish you both loads of luck in your healing journeys too. Do no harm, but take no shit ❤
“I’m terrified that if someone got close enough, they’d realize they don’t like what they find” wow… just to hear that there are people out there who felt *exactly* the way I feel, it both hurts and is a little comforting.
It seems that we need to tolerate an avoidant's behaviour and not expect them to change nor understand us. So this means we have to bear all their dismissive attitude and be fine disrespecting us. Life is short to be miserable. 🙄
I hear your frustration. Relationships should never be about tolerating disrespect or one-sided compromises. While understanding attachment styles can provide insights into behaviors, it's not an excuse for mistreatment. You're right; life is too short to be miserable. In any relationship, mutual respect, understanding, and effort to grow are vital. If these elements are missing, it may be worth re-evaluating the relationship's sustainability. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. 🌸
"I know you better than you know yourself." As a psychologist who briefly dated a (hardcore) DA, it was difficult and even stressful to resist the urge to tell him what was going on. Tried to talk about myself, tried to bring the topic of attachment styles in the most casual ways, but... This can only work if a DA recognises his patterns, the similarities between the relationships they had, AND are willing to work on their core wounds.
Telling them outright about attachment theory can be taken in many ways, I keep seeing in videos that bringing it up to a DA can trigger their "I am defective" core wound, and maybe also be taken the wrong way, but I personally think its at least important for them to know about it outright so they know its a thing and they can choose to either work through it while you are with them or they work on it with the next partner (or two or three lol), eventually they will realize you were on to something. Personally as an AP, I find it fascinating that the majority of APs who are desperate to change either themselves or their DA's actually embrace attachment theory and get enveloped in all the concepts. Its definitely inspired me to change myself, and also has made me be more forgiving towards my partner when they do something that bothers me a lot
Same situation with a fearful avoidant, I was cautious when I brought it up, but it was even more tricky and was received with dismissal. One time he said I cracked his code though. It never lasted long and his obsessive doubts in the background. After the break up, when all felt lost, I sent him an article about relationship OCD.
I’m definitely the anxious attachment, when ever I feel the anxiety come up , I dive into CZcams and find something that helps me become more aware and I do recognise this I still get the feeling of anxiety though
@@campanitavideos I go to my bedroom now , sit on my feet and centre myself and place my hands together, Breath deeply and calm myself. Remember that’s it’s only a reaction to something in your childhood, allow it flow ❤️
I’m slowly accepting the fact that it didn’t work out and if I have to do it again I wouldn’t. These relationships don’t work out for the majority of people. Most of the time the avoidant ditches no matter what you do to try and make it work.
As a therapist and someone who has personally experienced this cycle, you did a perfect job of explaining this dynamic. I appreciate that you didn’t vilify the avoidant but explained the deep rooted insecurities that tend to drive them. I imagine many watched trying to understand their partner and only realizing at the end that they may be with someone struggling with a personality disorder.. in which case, like you said, they will need individual treatment for in order to be in a healthy relationship. Hard pill to swallow for anxious types hoping they can “fix” them. Thank you for this video.
I first watched this video half a year ago and saw myself as anxious attached and my ex-partner as avoidant attached. This video gave me really great input and insight to understanding my own feelings and patterns, which I worked on in my therapy from that point on and learned a lot about myself. He was not in a place to put the same work into the relationship so a few months back I decided to end the relationship. In my eyes he will forever be a kind and warm human, but being outside that relationship and now dating someone who is very similar to myself when it comes to needs, closeness and love languages, made me realize how much I suffered in that relationship and how little I received. I am sure there are anxious-avoidant-relationships who can build up a beautiful relationship on the fundament of why they attracted each other in the first place. "Anxious people are actually acting avoidant and avoidant people are actually anxious" really stuck to me and described our relationship perfectly. I really believe that a deep fear of being rejected by someone who I 100 % open up to, made me go into that relationship where I could always say "but he isn't there enough". I am glad for the both of us that this is over and better things are coming.
These are so insightful and triggering at the same time. I’m glad one person on the internet hasn’t labelled avoidants as villains that should be left to die alone.
I believe we're unconsciously picking our partners, because we need them to grow into a secure person. I am grateful for my relationship, because I am now secure.
As a fearful Avoidant here, this is the best well balanced take on the subject that I have found. Usually anxious individuals are painted as the ones that can do "no wrong and don't need to grow/evolve" , and Avoidants are the villains of the story that need all the work.
The avoidants are the ones lacking empathy. A normal person understands that if you ignore someone you claim to love and treat them worse than a stranger, that that is hurtful and abusive. You wouldn't neglect a child for weeks or months, otherwise it would die. And if you hate the person that much that you can't be honest with them, why be in a relationship with them? Not to say that anxious types don't also have issues. Anxious types have trouble feeling secure and trusting. So when a person disappears for months and refuses to explain their behaviour, anxious people become MORE anxious, less trusting, more resentful.
Ah, I'm crying. This might be the first video I found that explains what goes on with both anxious and avoidants. I can see myself in some of the anxious behavior, but anxiety gets to me pretty quickly once the avoidant disappears, so after I voice my concerns or dissatisfaction a couple of times, I tend to leave the relationship alone. Then I go through months of sadness and confusion by myself. I have no idea what that would be called, but it's really confusing and I've always felt like it's the other person's fault for changing so suddenly.
I was in a relationship with a fearful avoidant and he withdrew and shutdown and totally pushed me out of his life - three times. I'm the anxious avoidant type. We were seeing each other for 8 years, and it was definitely a push pull relationship. I finally realized what it all was and had to leave it.
Hey, I’m glad you finally left that relationship - hopefully 2 weeks on it has stuck. The thing I’ve realised about unaware avoidants is that you’re never really in a relationship with them, and you will be penalised for conducting yourself as though you are in a relationship. I’m sure before you got to 8 years, you found yourself thinking, “how much longer can this go on?”. I also want to say that I’m sorry for any pain you endured in that relationship that was normalised. So often avoidants can normalise things that should never be normalised at all, and it can make you start doubting the emotional pain you’re experiencing. Anyway, I wanted to let you know another woman in the world has read your words and is truly wishing the best for you. X
@@withinwithout6263 Thank you so much! It is greatly appreciated. I do my best to also write things and put it out there in the hopes that someone will see it, and this really means a lot. I did think exactly what you have said several years in and when things were not changing. He tried, but he couldn't get past his self-centeredness or his own issues. I didn't want that "normalization" anymore - I wanted it to evolved. I got slow rolled out. Needless to say, I was very very upset with the way he did it, especially when there was absolutely no communication about why. That is what made me the most upset. I know a lot now that I did not then. I know that God has something else for me, and he had to get me ready for it - and that didn't include the fearful avoidant in my life. :-)
My biggest takeaway from this video would be I found out that I have disorganized attachment but my DA partner often triggers my Anxious side, hence I need to sit with myself and conciously sooth myself whenever I get triggered anxiously cause most of the time my DA partner's act of pulling away its not personally because of me. His struggle is to be vulnerable. He told me about his childhood experience which created his core wounds, born as refugee, his entire life is in survival mode. I will be more kind to myself and not letting his stonewalling behavior get the best of me. after all he's a wonderful man and I love him! 💖 I learn so much from your videos!! thank you so much for existing in this space!!
Wow….you nailed it. After 28 years in a tumultuous marriage to a woman that is distant she says she wants a divorce. She has always had a wall up. Sometimes a foot high sometimes ten feet high. I found that I was always trying to scale it but then told her (after she declared she wanted the divorce) “I’m tired of trying to scale the wall, you need to figure out why you have one and let me know what you want.” It was then I realized that I chose her because she was “safe”. Maybe it was I who had the fear of letting her in. I think that we all come from the “island of broken toys” but tend to think it’s the other person’s fault. “When you point your finger at someone look at your hand, there are three pointing back at you.” I’m working at fixing my own shit and not my wife’s. She has her childhood issues but I’ve decided to lead by example by working on mine and being open about it.
Hey man, when you say, "fear of letting her in" what exactly did you mean? And how exactly are you trying to work on yourself. Your response would be much appreciated.
@@deepanshjay9990 Sure, my mom was an alcoholic/narcissist which I have discovered that I too have boundaries. Being that my wife (who had an alcoholic dad who was verbally and physically abusive) has trust issues it activates trust issues within myself. So it turns out to be a “Push Me Pull You” situation. Once I abandoned expectations of who I want my wife to be and learned to accept who she actually is I realized that I too had trust issues. I decided to work in my issues and not hers. With the exception of how I communicate with her. I no longer tell her how I feel, I just acknowledge her feelings and ask questions which causes her to dig deeper.
@@Gundog55 you are suppressing your expectations from your partner, are you happy doing so? Do you think, just listening to what she has to say and not telling her what you feel is helping you in any way? And is she aware that you are somehow trying to make your relationship work so she should also start to think about your expectations? Sorry, i dont want you to raise doubts on your strategy but just want to know if it works so maybe i should try. Although, suppressing my expectations of love from my partner doesn't make me feel nice.
@@deepanshjay9990 No need to apologize, those are all good points. You say “suppressing” but what I think of it as more of lowering my expectations. Look, life and people isn’t perfect. I looked at my “needs” and asked myself “Why do you ‘need’ these emotional/physical items? What is causing these?” I think you will find that by looking at those wants needs and desires many of them come from unaddressed issues from one’s past. My MBPT results showed that I am an ENFJ-T personality. I see patterns in behaviors and other things. I could see that while I’m trying to explain my “feelings” she was busy building a counter argument to justify her feelings. She has PTSD and anxiety so she isn’t capable of absorbing any my explanations or logic. So by my listening and asking questions as help get to the root of her frustrations and fears I have found it calms her down. When she feels she is being heard she’s calmer. Everyone wants to be heard but no one reflects on why they feel the way they do. We blame others for why we feel that way which is giving power over you to them. I have found more about myself by questioning my wants, needs and desires. I have learned more by listening than talking which is difficult being an extrovert.
@mkckf4l and they make out its your fault. I am too needy. Apparently I have no reason to be upset about her emotional cheating with another married man, they are only friends according to her. This time I've left her for good, but the scars are deep.
I have an anxious-avoident attachment style and this has been very opening. Relationships are difficult for me. I very much want closeness but am worried that I'll just get hurt. You were saying my exact thoughts, these thoughts are completely suffocating
It would be so nice to see a comment where the Attachments are generalized and other blaming. If you are perfectly showing up in the relationship in the ways suggested, and your partner still responds in a negative manner, then you are dealing with a person whom has not done or is not willing to do the work. That is specific to that person. Not all people with Avoidant attachments run “ for no reason“ just as not all People with Anxious attachment “ smother just to smother “. These things will work if BOTH parties are doing their individual work. People are watching these videos looking for ways to change the other’s behavior without considering their own contribution to the madness. Do your own personal work to become more secure. Learn to set boundaries and recognize whether or not your partner is doing the work and if they are show more patience and compassion and if they aren’t then maybe it is time to find someone who is.
This video was so eye opening! I tend to be avoidant while my boyfriend is anxious but it's something that I've been trying to deal with yet didn't know how. I've always felt my bf relies on me too heavily for validation and it's exhausting, and when I'm feeling like I need space I tend to feel guilty when I ask him to step back for a bit. Communication is key, and learning how to do it better is just so rewarding 😊
I'm in a 15 year relationship with an avoidant, I am an anxious, I have done alot of work on myself over the past few years and I feel he is not meeting my needs anymore .. he is so cold and distant which worked for me a few years ago as I was numb and dissociated most of my life. I have 3 kids with this man and a home. I don't know my next step. Every time he withdraws and locks himself away the more I move away and become less bothered
22 years the same with 3 kids - she doesnt want to do the work - there is nothing I can do to overcome the damage left by her father leaving at 2 and mother running away when she was 22 . Shes an avoidant Im anxious I have just cut her out of my life even though we share the same house
@@shanejones578 The problem is more often than not they wont aknowledge the issues they have and ergo wont communicate. They spend so long building the walls that there is no will to remove them. You cant effectively communicate with them if they wont let you and thats the sad thing
Absolutely in a relationship like this for the past 6 months. We have been looking into attachment theory and, oh boy, it all makes sense now. I´m the anxious one. We´re both trying and it feels good. I feel like I´m growing emotionally. Thank you.
I'm a "Open Heart" & had to let my Avoidant partner go after ten months. Likely I held on about 5 months too long to try & "change" her. Keep in mind she is 55 y/o & a long history of Avoidant behavior. Thank you for clarifying all of these behaviors to me. Luckily in my life I discovered loving partners & healthy ones, finally after 40 years of age ( 2 long term ones). However this last one really threw me for a loop & discovered these attachment styles from you !! They reminded me of relationship trauma's I had in my 20's. I tried to tell her & give her information on attachment theory, he wouldn't hear of it nor read it. She didn't want to change....I tried & tried. I had to leave & it hurt me badly. For my wellbeing & health I had to end it. Life is too short...I'm healing. Thank you !
Anyone else found that yourself and your partner completely switcharood? I used to be avoidant in the beginning, he was anxious. When he became frustrated with my attachment style and I could feel him pulling away - we became the opposites. Now he is so avoidant and I don’t know how to stop being so anxious and for us both to find that secure balance
I think deep down everybody is a „spice or lifer“ and has both, an anxious and an avoidant part. We just vary in intensity on each part. „Rolling Stones“ are high in avoidance and low in anxiousness, but they still have it. „Open hearts“ are high in anxiousness and low in avoidance but they still have it. „Spice of lifers“ are high in both (poor them). I think we look for people, who compared to us, are equally intense traumatized but with the reverse anxious/avoidant settings. Maybe we do that because our counterparts perfectly show us the work we have to do in order to allow us to be happy, without it revealing too fast or too slow, but exactly right. And when we're lucky, we meet someone who's just so right for us, that we can travel that journey of revealing and conquering our traumas at the same perfect speed, without needing to change lanes ever again. But i guess we wouldnt be here watching this video if this was the case for us (yet) lol.
Thank you! I am the anxious one and my boyfriend is the avoidant. So glad to watch this video in better understanding of the Anxious-Avoidant trap. We have been on and off so many times! Not sure what's next for us...I am healing.
Hello. Any update? I am also in an on and off relationship. I used to be secure type but i became anxious since i have a 9 year on and off relationship with my avoidant boyfriend. It is really frustrating.
The avoidant ones don't suffer as much as you since they prefere affairs over a relationship. Better run. I know from own experience. Try to find healing and a healthy available partner.
I am actively avoiding how accurate you are, and how avoidant (fearful) I am... I hate when I fall head over heels with an anxious open heart, then quickly fall out, and the guilt of holding on to make sure that its REALLY not meant to be, is painful and pushed me further away. That's the people pleasing that I do. I try to be open, but feel that I will never be satisfied for long... I often fixate on flaws instead of the things that initially attracted me, and pull way back. That 'staying friends' comment really hit me. This has always been me. I think this is my mother... I'm sure of it. I'm emotionally intelligent, but don't feel safe FEELING the emotional intensity for long.
I've been anxious & made all the mistakes I've been healing & growing four five years now . Thanks to all videos, I regonize all the family dynamics.....amazing !! Thanks for the Enlightenment !!!!
I , a 29 year old male have realized that i am anxious attachment . And i am now realizing I'm in a relationship with an avoidant attachment style woman . I see that both of us have failed the relationship and we have both been unknowingly triggering each other . It's insane how accurate all of this is. We have fighting been months and things have just made absolute no sense to me . But watching vids like this is helping me understand the dynamic that's been going on . I don't know if I'm at the point where it's too late to save it . I do want to but i realize as you said it has to be a two person thing . I can't do it myself . I hope i am able to bring up fixing things together and understand each other's triggers. Trying to think how i can let her know what behaviors send me in a rabbit hole without making it seem I'm blaming her for it . Thanks so much for this video
Good luck, it’s worth trying. Lots of love, and patience. Otherwise you fall into another rabbit hole, with someone else. Watch these videos with your partner?
Found your channel recently. I just wanna say, you are very intelligent and articulate, and the way you put things into words is sooo helpful. Deep and insightful, yet easy to follow and helps the listener connect the dots and see the shape of things. Psychologically rich, yet relatable and practically applicable. Keep up the good work!
The only "trick" is to work on your own attachment patterns = learning to regulate your nervous system. When you've become more secure, they will too. It's the power of our biology
Not true. From my experience as a secure, once they start to withdraw there is no way of changing their minds and it will drive even the most secure person crazy and make them anxious. Just because their avoidance makes you anxious and worried, doesn’t mean you’re an anxiously attached person.
@@viewtifulgold4223 I think the point is you cannot change or fix other people, you can only work on yourself and establish boundaries. If you're with somebody that has no interest in working with you to have a healthy relationship you are always best to just get out whether that person is anxious or avoidant because it's a lifetime of fighting otherwise. Also for what it's worth, sometimes anxious people interpret a secure persons natural avoidant response to their overbearing nature as "Oh he must just be an avoidant" when in reality they're actually just having a natural response to your insecure needs. He's just not that into you, as they would say. Not saying that's true for you, but I'm a secure and I have never felt any particular difficulty dealing with full on avoidants compared to anxious. They're both equally toxic and if they aren't aware and working on it, basically impossible to have a healthy relationship with either.
This is absolutely amazing!! But now can you tell us how to recognise someone with a secure attachment style and how to magically find them attractive? 😁
I kinda thought I was an open heart with some avoidant tendencies combined with other problems like OCD and some ROCD but this video reaaaally made it obvious that I’m a spice of lifer and this made me cry but in a positive way and I’m working on my life and myself and my ability to connect with my partner and all of that so freaking much these last weeks. This makes so much sense. Thank you.
Dismissive Avoidant style is not compatible for anyone who wants to find a healthy relationship. Do yourself a favor and run. Find someone who is healthy, whole and available for a relationship.
@@craftsentic1899 I agree with you, however the anxious type lets their wants and needs be heard while avoidants tend to keep to themselves and if it weren't for videos like this, people might not even know whats going on at all. Its what makes it hard to be with a DA that refuses anything you try to do to help them or the relationship
i guess im an anxious type but im self aware for a while now, now that im single again I'd work on myself and hopefully i can find someone who'd care for my needs just as much as their own.
Luckily secure attachment & even anxious attachment can successful workout better than an Avoidant ....the numbers of them are on our side. Best of luck !!
Love, love this video! I have been dating a man for almost a year now and just now learning about attachment styles. He's Avoidant and I'm Anxious. I'm willing to do the work, but I don't see how he would ever agree to look at himself. The hot and cold thing is really annoying. Don't think I can live like this.
Hey guys I’m finally out woooooo since December 17 from my avoidant ex. I’m now with a stable and I am so happy. I wasted 4 years of my life but I’m finally out yayyy❤🎉 you can do it 😊
EXCELLENT! The part about anxious attachment style chasing avoidants because they don't want to be "seen" for who they really are and don't want to let go of control was a true aha moment! thank you!
Well, you 5 minutes of the video were illuminating. After 7 years of trying to have a normal relationship with a sort of an open heart (I'm a rolling stone) I decided to give up. It got better at one point when I started applying your tips but it was one sided relationship as my partner did not even address that I also had needs. It's all about him and his needs. After 10 months I'm still recovering but at least I'm conscious and aware of my patterns. As a very hurt 52 years old I hope I won't go back to my avoidant pattern. Keep the fingers crossed. Thank you very much
You can perfectly ask for your needs and give an example to a DA. Problem is, they'll agree and then do NOTHING!!!! Stop giving AP's false hope. AP's need to start attachment healing, thats the answer. DA's dont change, they only scratch the surface when shown how to heal.
I'm anxious and my husband is avoidant. We have been married for 23 years, and it's been so very hard. Of course I recognize that I have work to do, he thinks he's just fine and everything will be ok when I deal with my trauma 🙄. Little does he understand, he is just as neurotic.
@@ErinSmith-jo8td I'm honestly not sure how much longer I can do this either. I'm growing and finally seeing things and they really don't like my boundaries. They as in my husband and kids. Nobody wants boundaries or accountability. He is so avoidant it's an act of God to get him to have the smallest bit of insight and I'm just getting too old and tired. I have a great therapist thankfully 💜. Keep growing and working on you.
My girlfriend of 4 years left me for another guy a month ago, we were engaged 6 months. I'm the avoidant I think, she's definitely anxious plus abandonment issues most likely. I wish I knew all of this stuff just a couple months ago, I feel like I could've saved it, but I don't think she is able or willing to put in the work. I've learned so much in the past month; hundreds of hours. I wish you luck, find a way to break through to your partner if you can. I miss mine so much.
@@diatonicjon if she doesn't want to put in the work then it's not worth it. But, you may be surprised and still get another chance. If she is with someone who is the opposite of you it may be that she's just coping and trying to get love bombed from lack of affection. That will wear off eventually and she will want something sturdy back and may reach out.
This might be the best video I’ve seen about avoidant partners because you skillfully focused more on the dynamic rather than shaming the avoidant. I think I might be dating an avoidant and this video really helped to show me how I am contributing to the problem, my own flaws in attachment styles and when to call it quits if need be. I’ve found sooo many videos on avoidants and believe that it’s way too easy to blame your partner. I feel stronger than ever moving forward. Thanks so much!!!
I'm thrilled to hear that you found the video so impactful! It's all too easy to point fingers in relationships, especially when things are not going as we'd hoped. However, understanding that both parties contribute to the dynamic can be a game-changer. Knowing your own attachment style and recognizing your own patterns can empower you to make healthier decisions for yourself and your relationship. It sounds like you're on the path to not just understanding your partner better, but also growing as an individual. That's the kind of insight that can make a difference in every area of your life. Thank you so much for your kind words and for sharing how the video has helped you feel stronger moving forward. Best of luck to you in your journey! 😊
You guys may benefit some Anxious and Avoidant attachment therapy separately.. this is me and my fiancé. All aspects of our lives are amazing except with a few things and the few are a road block.😢
good luck. my DA initiated a divorce through email after 10 years married. give your significant other space and work on you, itll help you that way if things go totally sideways, you are prepared…
The last minute of your video hit home to help me to realize that emotional immaturity In an individual creates an impossible situation to exist in relationship with.
Ever since Dr. Akhigbe helped me, my partner is very stable, faithful and closer to me than before. I highly recommends Dr. Akhigbe to anyone in need of help..
I find myself in a relationship that is as described. I have never had a healthy boyfriend/husband relationship. I want to know what that looks like. I have triggers and this current relationship is bringing up all my codependency.
Ive been married to my best friend for 28+ years. Weve been going through this cycle for the enire 28 years. We have a strong connection for awhile, then i seemed to back off and not show her how i felt about her. In turn she would "put up walls around her heart" to protect herself. I never accepted my part in the cycle. But my eyes have been opened now and i realize that my insecurities caused me to do the same protection cycle. Her childhood was very rough with her parents not being there for her emotionally, so it would make sense that she would have anxious attachment style. But my childhood wasnt nearly as bad, however my dad was very narcissistic and controling. So i did take on some of his bad behaviors. Recently, i have been made aware of the way my behavior can make people feel and have been working diligently to self correct. I have began therapy and am feeling like im on a great path. However, my wife has grown too tired of the cycle and we both assumed it was just may behavior that was causing it. After learning about anxious attachment, i feel like we both have that style and i think couples therapy could save us. But she just wants to end things. I just want her to be happy, but now understanding what our actual problems may have been, i want to work through it. Any advice?
Thanks for sharing. This is the same dynamic between my husband and me. We are coming up on 10 years together and have come to the conclusion we need to both heal and course correct. I am happy for you for getting help and hope you and your wife can make it work.
@Impactfully Thanks. I hope you and your husband can work through these issues. My wife is at a point where she is just finished with our relationship. So no matter how much I'm willing to do to make healthy changes to make our relationship as strong as it was in the beginning, for her it's too late. But she is my absolute best and really only friend. We have 3 grown children together. The 22 and 26 year old are living with us right now and we care for a 13 year old boy with down syndrome and his 7 year old sister. They are our friends kids and we've been helping with them since they were born. So we still live together, help raise the friends kids together, and we own a business together. So this sucks sooooo bad. Hope you and your husband are both willing to keep trying. Good luck.
Thank you for posting this inquiry. I understand it can be a painful and confusing experience. What you describe it sounds like it may be an “anxious avoidant trap” situation. These videos might offer some insight. When to Leave A Toxic Relationship, According to Your Chakras czcams.com/video/604gZk4iIFQ/video.html The Anxious-Avoidant Trap or Divine Timing? How Can You Tell? czcams.com/video/kEYJqOb0JJw/video.html Avoidant and Anxious Relationship Struggles: How to Spot the Trap czcams.com/video/C9Mr3R_Ykbg/video.html [1 of 5] The Anxious Avoidant Trap: A Case of Like Sees Like czcams.com/video/yMOpdJM3Ot4/video.html [2 of 5] 6 Signs of the Anxious-Avoidant Trap czcams.com/video/Kw0YMwKb6xo/video.html Am I Anxious, or Are They My SoulMate? czcams.com/video/vNoxPtQdAIM/video.html
I was a secure in my last relationship which was with an anxious, however I'm now with an avoidant and it's turned me into the anxious one, he's just so different, communicates so much less and needs more space than I'm used to, it's left me constantly questioning myself about how he feels, which leads me to behave in ways that I don't like. I'm really working on getting back to secure by watching so many videos and reading as much as I can, as I realise that I am sabotaging a relationship with someone I really do love! I'm hoping that once I get back to that trusting and chilled state it will help him open up more and feel more secure himself. Has anyone else felt their attachment style has changed by being with an avoidant?
Yeah for sure. I suffered from trauma growing up that made me fairly avoidant of relationships. I would like someone and as soon as they showed interest in me in return I’d turn them down for the fear of intimacy. Then I met my current boyfriend who is heavily avoidant. When I have the relationship a chance, I opened myself up to intimacy and bring that vulnerable must have triggered an avoidant response from him because shortly after I became more and more anxious. Despite this we’ve had a very loving relationship for years (almost four now) we do our best to hear each other and grow together. Since starting college, though, time has been more heavily constrained and caused both of us to flare (me with being anxious about wether or not he prioritizes the relationship and him with pulling away from being overwhelmed and not knowing how to process emotions and these challenges with lots of responsibilities and lack of personal time to recoup. We workin on it, but I have faith we will get there. I have to recommend Therapy in a Nutshell’s videos on how to stop overthinking and rumination. There are some supper great tools there for individual work :) !
Its me hi! 🙋🏽♀️ i’m the problem. I was always anxious but then i became secure and now with an avoidant I’m anxious again lol or was until about a month ago where i just got busy. Like real busy. I took extra clients and worked longer hours, started working out again and seeing my friends more. I wouldnt call first or text first. And it wasnt to manipulate. It was to give him space. My Goodness it worked! He is back and more willing to communicate and even spend time. So im reaching out now like 2-3 times a week first so he knows im making effort but also respecting his space and i think it makes him feel safer. And im actually less anxious. Crazy.
Talking about your needs and his needs is a great way as well. I just kept blame out of the conversation and only focused on finding a resolution. It made me realize that his needs werent being met either because he need’s different things than I do to feel loved. So some great questions to ask in the conversation that helped us are these: 1. What have I done recently that has made you feel loved? 2. Is there anything that I can do for you that will help me feel like I am contributing to the relationship without sacrificing your independence? 3. Are there anyways that you feel loved that I have not done yet? 4. (You the anxious be clear on your needs and be reasonable) for example (i will only see you 2 times a week out of respect for your space, but the two days i want quality time. 30 minute cuddles, passionate goodbye kisses, no phones, once a month sleepovers.) i felt like being clear and detailed down to the amount of time helped. 5. You the anxious have to know they may not have an answer right then for you, tell them you know that and that you will give them time to think that through. And they can talk to you when they are ready. 6. Normalize telling one another you need space but ask him the avoidant to just include how much he loves you and will reach out once he decompresses. It will help your anxiety. These have helped soooooooo much its crazy! He’s even seeing me more than the 2 times all on his own. I think he feels safe.
@@jasminemarie1027 I’m happy to hear you’re happy in your relationship, but may I ask how long you’ve been together if you don’t mind? I am just shocked to hear you only see him two times a week or a little more, but of course if the relationship is still building trust/ in earlier stages that space sounds totally healthy to me. But of course if you guys have been together a long time its not necessarily a bad thing either, as long as both your needs are being met and you’re happy, I’m honestly just curious. Best of luck to you both also!
@@jennierussell hi Jenni! 🙋🏽♀️ so we have been together for a year now. The issue was that he wasn’t communicating his needs and when things felt outside of his comfort zone for a long while he didn’t tell me it was. I wasn’t even aware he was an avoidant until not too long ago because he was compromising himself so much. We were seeing each other quite a lot but it was not sustainable for him in the long run. So i watch a lot of videos on avoidants and how I as an anxious can ease the pressure and help our relationship, as well as therapy to heal my own attachment issues and this is what i could come up with. I suggested the 2 days a week as we both work very long hours. But we have managed getting in 4-5 days. The 2 days only lasted about 2 weeks. I just had to set a time limit on being touchy feely for my needs and we agreed to over communicate and check in with each other once a week for 15-20 minutes so that neither one of us is overwhelmed by the vulnerability as I am also not fond of being vulnerable. Its been a process but we have gotten better and it is quite a lot of effort to remember that we are different and we are not trying to hurt one another. In the days we are together we make it a priority to meet one anothers needs. At first it started as a checklist and then it evolved organically. And i swear he almost enjoys the cuddle time now. Maybe not as long as me but he definitely extends it a little bit longer.
Wow. You must be the proverbial fly on my wall with the avoidance description. My hubby EXACTLY. HOWEVER. He has not been that way all our married life. We had a huge enormous emotional upheaval and since then he has slowly descended into the avoidant big time. 😪
Knew our similar childhood traumas were pulling us together but didn't know how as we were opposite in our approach to relationships. Thank you for laying it out clearly. God bless.
THIS was so informative. I literally took notes like I was in class. I am currently in an anxious/avoidant dynamic (currently not communicating) and it's crushing. I'm a bit embarrassed at how I lash out not effectively communicating my feelings and wants. But also wanting to navigate through this attachment towards a more healthier one. Thank you for sharing it's much needed and appreciated! ❤
I am glad i found this topic as I think thats what my girls issue is. I love her deeply and carried this torch for many years, shes the only one i feel intimate with but could never seem to land her as my partner, ive seen her get married and have relationships but never with me, and ive deeply desired that for many years. I feel we are growing closer and i want to understand her so i can be the best lover i can be for her, the issue i feel is that without a doubt i know she is the one, and i know if i can have the chance i can prove it. Our intimacy is amazing ive never felt anything like it.
Thank you so much for sharing your avoidant perspective! What do you mean ks not preoccupied by their partner activities & they do not care? Do you mean they really don't care that much at all about how they make their anxious partner feel?
@@madalinab3665 Hello 👋🏼. No judgement here, but what's the point of being in a relationship? Sounds like your partner could be a burden for your really quickly. 🤔
All I can say is “wow”!!! Not only will I save this video, I know I will need to watch it several times to really let this sit in my spirit/psyche for a minute! (I’ve even tried to take notes 📝! Jeez!)
WOW I wish I could give a standing ovation!! Im just now learning the importance of knowing your attachment style! In all my 35 years of life I wondered why I was wired a certain way and respond to love the way I did. It ALL make sense now... Certain parts of the video I had to pause and collect myself because everything was soo spot on!!! Now I'm ready to heal this thing. I want healthy connections 😩 🙏🏾
My partner is avoident and I am disorganized. He keeps trying to come back to me after we split, usually a mutual split, and he comes back showing me improvements he's made in his life and I take the time to do the same. We come back each time with more understanding but our 'last ditch' effort to build a relationship and we were struggling and we weren't sure why. Now we do because of this video and it may have just put us past an impasse we've been having. It's like a light 💡 went off. Great video!
Thank you for explaining this attachment style of the push & pull. I am a insecure, anxious, attachment, person, and my husband is completely avoidant. But we know how to communicate and work hard to meet each other’s needs. Thank you for explaining this so Much appreciate.
Please teach me how you communicate with each other, that's how my relationship is and we have been struggling for months ,we break up and get back but still end up hurting each other
The two men I’ve been most intimate with in my life match the description you gave for when the anxiously attached person should leave…. Actual torture until you cut them off, that’s when your entire body relaxes and stops making you feel like you’re constantly dying. 🙃
The final thoughts SO KEY! This is right on, and refreshingly devoid of making either party the 'bad one' or use of uneeded labelling. Just addressing the trauma and behaviours in a factual way. Thank you!!
This showed up on my feed at the right time! I even took notes and saved it just so I can reference it again! Thank you so much! It just brought a light on my own situation.
I came across one of your videos regarding Anxious attachment style. It was so spot on that it was embarrassing. I’m a 52 yo man and I have struggled all my life with this and never knew why I felt the way I do an why I seam to blow up all my relationships. I’m married to a rolling stone for 15 years and I’m desperately trying find peace. It just feels to late for me and the anxiety and depression is just getting crippling. Not sure where to start.
Oh man, sorry to hear this. Its not too late. You deserve happiness, i know it sucks to go through this. So, start it somehow, atleast you could spend rest of your life making your relationship better!
The final thoughts section is my exact situation. I tried to express my needs in a healthy way and collaborate on solutions, but she just got defensive and pushed me away and criticised and I felt even more unheard. I don’t know how to encourage her to work on herself, so I just had to leave. I miss her all the time.
this is me and she dumped me, im still hoping shell come back for a fix. idk if I should wait or let her go, since I realized holding her back isn't working
This video has been very helpful, thank you. One thing I would like to suggest is not to try to make up new terms for existing ones. Anxious is good enough, no need for open hearts. It is complicated enough already for us, mortals.
I'm really glad to hear you found the video helpful! Your point about not complicating things with new terms is well-taken. I totally get that the world of relationships and psychology is intricate enough without adding another layer of jargon. About the 'new adjectives,' I think language is a huge constructor of our realities, and just because a bunch of psychologists decide to call a collection of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors one thing, doesn't make it the best thing to call it. A large part of my mission is showing people how to take charge of their own narratives, and I do that by taking charge of the language I use. It's about empowerment, but I absolutely get that it can be overwhelming. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts. Your feedback not only helps me, but it also contributes to the broader discussion that we're all a part of. Cheers! 😊
This was truly insightful. In the past I've considered relationships anxious/avoidant when they were in fact, abusive. This demonstrates a clear difference. They lacked the "they value your feelings as much as their own" sentiment. I'm in a happy, long term, relationship with someone who isn't avoidant but struggled to understand why I gravitated to that for so long. This is the most helpful information I've seen. Thank you!
Dear Briana; i very much like this cd it triggers my relationship I am in and you are 100percent correct the approach to these type of communication has to be carefully spoken. These type of people instantly put up a wall claiming I am the one wanting to start a fight when in reality i am trying to get my feeling across Explaining something takes to repeat the same at least 2 to 3times I get so frustrated when I take extra time to report something they ask me to do, and when finish explaining they ask the same questions again to work on what they ask already. Anyway, your good advise. helps me understand why they can drive me crazy and make me feel like Iam wasting my time and good will.
Great video. I took from this video the importance of valuing myself equally, not less; and that when you have evidence that your partner does not value your needs equally you must not allow yourself - out of fear or low self esteem or because you think leaving or closing a door is always bad - to be convinced to stay. The words you are being told must be interpreted alongside the behavior.
Thank you, this is the best episode of the series on DAs. Lot of exact descriptions. You nailed those sentences, I hear often. DAs hardly accept their fault. Do not want to work on themselves. We treat them like princesses and they treat us as manure.
You kinda missed the point of the video? Deep down you both feel the same way; you’re worried the real you isn’t loveable. You just project that fear in different ways.
In, 34 years, ive yet to find such comment on youtube ability to simply convey this topic [which is so important to every human]. A+, and keep up the amazing work/videos!
I for sure have an anxious attachment style, I ended up suffocating my partner, always being unsure and insecure about their feelings for me, being overly affectionate and loving and not getting nearly the same expression of love back. I didn't really th8nk about the difference in attachment styles between us, I just assumed that she didn't love me or that she was acting distant and cold towards me when in reality I was the one too demanding and clingy, which also results in her becoming more distant, needing more space etc. If I had have better self awareness about the situation I was in and the dynamic between us it would've been a lot easier, communicating about it more and realising and talking about the difference between us. It's not game ending, it's about understanding and taking responsibility for the emotions you feel and not blame it on the actions or non actions of the partner. And to be able to learn and constantly grow and work on the feelings that creates those insecurities and situations. It's hard. Sadly it's too late, we broke up and I'm devastated, I love her so much and she's already moved on. I wish I could've learned all those lot sooner and I would've had a better grasp of everything and what to do. After watching the entire video I realise exactly how certain situations thst created friction should've been handled, and ways for myself to express my insecurities in a healthy way where I never put any blame on my partner for my feelings, which I never intended to do but through the words I used I know it had that affect. And I know I didn't leave enough space for her and such. At least I'm better equipped now, knowing my own self a lot more and knowing how to deal with my emotions and expressions in a healthier way with a future partner. Maybe even get together with my love again at some point, but that's wishful thinking and dangerous if I want to be able to move on.
Ever since Dr. Akhigbe helped me, my partner is very stable, faithful and closer to me than before. I highly recommends Dr. Akhigbe to anyone in need of help..
@@crystalhaynes5786 I'll check this person out. Sadly me and my ex has had a super turbulent week, and we'll never talk to each other again. So I'll have to move on, even if it's insanely hard. It's a learning experience, and I'll continue to watch videos like these and grow.
@@TNord. Yea, it's complicated. It's hard to convince the brain that the person I loved, wasn't the person she was in reality. Still loving the "her" that wasn't a reality, a version created in my mind. It's easy to rationalise it and try and tell myself that, that she isn't the person I made her up to be in my head. But the emotional part of me cannot be convinced of that, not yet at least, I still love her a lot, and want to be with her more than anything and I think about her every single day still, morning and nights. It's torture, but it's getting more and more manageable every week, even though I'm probably a while away from being able to move on and be happy for real. So yea, you're probably right I did dodge a bad situation, I cannot convince myself that that's how she was in general with the love and affection, that it was due to other things and my own fault that the love and affection I gave her wasn't reciprocated. It's hard when you're in a spot of incredible love and affection, and your partner isn't in the same space, because it felt like I didn't have a real outlet of my love when the feelings wasn't expressed as much back. Like yea, I could tell her how much she meant to me and that I loved her, but rarely hearing it from her on her own accord, that's mentally straining and it felt like I wasn't as loved. But all that's a lot about attachment styles and whatnot as well but my feelings were affected nevertheless. I still want her, for life, and I wished she felt the same, but I know there are other women out there too that'd take my intense love and affection gladly, I try to convince myself that it's her loss.
@@KirbyTheKirb I know how you feel. I fell for someone who never reciprocated, but I just took it as something broken in her, and that with the constant shining of my love light, and being a strong person myself with tons of well-being, she would see that a relationship could be a space for affection, concern, and a place to share emotions. But that never happened. I had an inclination after a few years, that I should develop myself into something different and get out of the situation, but for practical reasons I stayed, for twenty years. The last ten years has been a transformation from a lukewarm couple into friendly partners raising a son together, spending about half time together in the same home, and the other half wherever we want. So she lives with her love interest half-time, and I just hold the fort, so to speak, so my son, age 12, has a place to call home. So when I say you dodged a bad situation, I see my own path, and inability to let go and a lack of awareness of the cost of hanging on, as to where I am now. But we have traveled the world together with my son spending many months volunteering on farms in Denmark, Italy, Asia, etc, so I stayed on for the adventure since she was supporting my role as the caregiver in the family. But I sacrificed a gentle hand on the back, a word of tenderness, and a willingness to engage emotionally. I had to find it all within. It's the path I choose now twenty years, but I would tell me younger self, to not enter a relationship with anxious/dismissive dynamics if you desire to laze on blankets in the park and feel connected. Maybe it's over simplified, and there's much more to the story obviously. But getting over the pain and rejection takes time and that still feels like wasted emotion, but I'm not bitter about it, just a learning experience. I don't look at relationships as something I need to be OK anymore. It's nice to have though.
This was so insightful and comprehensive. Your specific recommendations regarding trigger statements was illuminating. I recognized but never understood the attraction between attachment types until now. I can't thank you enough.
If I’m an AP and my DA spouse refuses to do the work, and hates even discussing it. Basically just needs me to “get over it” and ignore my concerns of my love languages not being met, ignore my emotions of feeling intimacy dwindling, but we are married with kids, at what point does becoming secure and realizing this isn’t a good fit and I deserve love outweigh the consequences of divorce?
I can't tell you what's right for your situation, but I can tell you that when a partner refuses to put in the work and show care for the other partner, it's more harmful for kids to see modeling of self-neglect/tolerating-bad-treatment than it is for them to go through a divorce and see modeling of choosing yourself and finding happiness in your independence. Good luck mate
When I see things like this I often wonder if I'm really that avoidant. The person that doesn't want therapy is the anxious person I'm dating because he perceived it as I was saying he's too much to deal with
Or sometimes I think I have this unconscious thought that I don’t truly deserve connection. That I am not worthy. And if I receive it it’s so far from my belief it causes anxiety. I’ve settled so nicely into the belief that I don’t matter. Working on it!
I found out no matter what you say how you say it, if they're a true avoidant your concerns will be dismissed. An avoidant has to have a certain amount of maturity to be able to do that which often is extremely stifled
Ever since Dr. Akhigbe helped me, my partner is very stable, faithful and closer to me than before. I highly recommends Dr. Akhigbe to anyone in need of help..
My avoidant takes request and has adjusted to things like being more intimate at certain times and affectionate ..he started holding my hand a lot and gentle touches out of no where. Still needs tons of space! But so do I ..as a super Virgo, I love being alone 🤣 yet he tends to put work and projects above all ELSE. Leaves me feeling taken for granted hmmm
@@taraclark4356 weird thing is mine is very affection and very loving unlike most are. He’s actually a very sensitive person. Just shuts down during convos sometimes
@@taraclark4356 I am a Pisces OMG I totally resonate with you on this one my girlfriend has a Capricorn moon and she’s very dedicated to her work though I have a Leo Moon and need lots of fun and stimulation in love.
Yep, mine completely stonewalled me, only replies I get now are "idk" and "I don't know what to say" and then I get left on read for days. It is truly soul crushing
my fearful avoidant ex seemed attractedd to my assertiveness but once he realised it involved me holding him accountable for continually lying to me and being needlessly secretive/projecting, he turned it on me.
Wow... Right down to The marrow of the bone... I've seen a lot of these videos from different people. All of them have been educational and seem to resonate. But for some reason your videos are so much a reflection of what I'm going through it's almost as if you have cameras watching my life. It just confirms just how much of a prevalent situation this is in life in general. I've always had the thought process that the problems we deal with within ourselves as well as in relationships really aren't that nuanced. They're definitely simple problems that we add a level of complexity to due to ignorance of ourselves. Thank you so much for your videos. Please continue to do what you're doing. We all appreciate you.
Just had my first relationship with a woman (I'm a lesbian) and it was wonderful but my anxious tendencies made her panic and run 😢 I discovered attachment types in the breakup. I've been looking for a book on how to effectively love an avoidant dismissive person and there are only 2 books out there apparently and neither give actual advice. This is the most helpful video I've seen and I've watched a LOT about these attachment types. Thank you. I really hope my ex-girlfriend comes back eventually after having some space. She's the love of my life. Would be so useful for us to watch this together and work on these strategies.
I suggest the book "Your Brain on Love" by Stan Tatkin. It gives practical advice on the things you can do to make your partner better and what you can do that will make them worse based on attachment style
I'm touched to hear that the video resonated with you during such a pivotal time. Anxious and avoidant dynamics can be challenging, especially in a first relationship. While books can offer insights, real growth often comes from lived experiences and active work on self-awareness. I genuinely hope you and your ex find a path that brings you both happiness, whether together or separately. Meanwhile, use this time to focus on understanding your own attachment needs and how you can meet them in healthy ways. There's always room for growth and second chances. 🌈💕
This is the best video I've seen on this topic to date. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom. I will continue to work on myself so that I can be secure and gravitate towards someone who is secure as well.
I think both me and my boyfriend are spice of lifers! Im more avoidant but still have anxious attachment thoughts and tendencies. He is more anxious but still has avoidant thoughts and actions. As a result I believe we constantly bounce around and never come to any solutions. If we do, somehow, we are both emotionally exhausted and have to settle on anything for us both to feel at peace with each other. We both really want to be together, I have a harder time connecting with him when he seems so sure about me. We both have intense pasts, and or cultural upbringings that have impacted us and has caused so much insecurity. Thank you for clarifying that there is an existing mix of attachment styles, referred to as spice of lifers. Now using your tips and triggers I can introduce some ideas to my boyfriend and we can start to understand why we feel things and what triggers us.
I used to think she was a covert narcissist. Maybe, maybe not. But this video really makes more sense. I sure hope it's her attachment style and not narcisissm.
This is the best, most thorough video I've seen on the AA trap. The sad thing is, the person she describes at the end is me. Thank goodness for therapy! It's a long road though.
My rolling stone and I lived together for nine years before she left. I wish I had seen this video at the start of our relationship because it's obvious to me that our communications styles doomed us to failure. This year we have spent some time together a week at a time and of course it's been great (a week at a time). Although we've been getting along great we now live in different parts of the country and have agreed to let each other move on...In a weird coincidence just last night I wrote and then sent her a lengthy email acknowledging everything I thought was great about her, from mundane things to bedroom activities. I also used very specific examples tied to actual events. Just as Brianna said (be specific) it really got to her. Usually she's distrustful of compliments as she assumes they are manipulations, but her reaction to this very specific email was just great and it was obvious that it really meant something to her. At which point I cried and she turned away in disgust (just kidding, but I was really moved to see her moved).
What was your biggest take away from this video? I'd love to hear in the comments below!
You described my husband at the very end. Rigid fragile ego, personality disorder. He is willing to go to counseling but not sure what counselor we need to look for to help him.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I recommend checking out “emotionally focused therapy”. It’s one of the most effective forms of therapy in relationships.
Thank you! 🙏❤️ yes, there’s more to come. 😉
That there is hope. Thank you so much!
It really helped me to hear the part about how open hearts must relinquish their control in order to receive. That was absolutely healing for me. The question I have for you now is, how should an open heart respond if their avoidant partner wants to leave stating ‘you’re too good for me?’
Dismissing an anxious partner’s feelings is a sure fire way to cause more and more emotions and pain
Thank you for commenting and sharing your perspective, Sarah Gittler.
100% true. My best friend/ex fiance of 17 years is doing that to me right now. I want to get back together after circumstances forced us apart and back in the same household 7 months later. She wound up staying with a guy she met on Hinge right before we got together and started dating him. He broke up with her in January this year and came back to me. She responds by ditching without so much as a word back to her ex's place for the last 2 months and says it's because I'm always "up her ass" as she puts it. Discovered attachment science about 3 or 4 days ago and have been reading and researching as much as I can. Trying to get to the point where I'm just over her. I'm a million percent anxious and she gives off serious avoidant vibes. It's definitely not working.
@@AFO3310How are you doing now?
…and rejection
they dismiss their own feelings lol
The avoidant part of me wants to run away and be single forever because I hate that in relationships the anxious part of me is awakened. I feel I'm in a constant battle with myself...push them away...no pull them closer...work on the relationship...no give up....let them in...regret it and then feel resentful that they aren't letting me in. I feel less crazy when I'm single. Less broken. Less traumatised and triggered and yet I know deep down that only in relationships can I begin to heal 🤯 Add in the fact I only seem to be attracted to other avoidants?! 💥😢
THIS! I feel you on every part of this. Best wishes to you! It's such a challenging thing to navigate.
I really get this. I swing both sides of the spectrum and so does my person of interest. I miss not needing anyone but I can see how the relationship has enriched my life and forced me to work on deep healing. I just hope to be gentle to myself and others. 💖
Aww thanks both for the replies. Sorry you both relate really cos it's so difficult. I wish you both loads of luck in your healing journeys too. Do no harm, but take no shit ❤
@@BarryWeirdBastard good reminder doom cake tnx 😸💖
you might have BPD
“I’m terrified that if someone got close enough, they’d realize they don’t like what they find” wow… just to hear that there are people out there who felt *exactly* the way I feel, it both hurts and is a little comforting.
I’m recently met a men like this, he’s full on with texting and talking on the phone, but whenever we arrange to meet
He pulls away 🤔
It seems that we need to tolerate an avoidant's behaviour and not expect them to change nor understand us. So this means we have to bear all their dismissive attitude and be fine disrespecting us. Life is short to be miserable. 🙄
I hear your frustration. Relationships should never be about tolerating disrespect or one-sided compromises. While understanding attachment styles can provide insights into behaviors, it's not an excuse for mistreatment. You're right; life is too short to be miserable. In any relationship, mutual respect, understanding, and effort to grow are vital. If these elements are missing, it may be worth re-evaluating the relationship's sustainability. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. 🌸
"I know you better than you know yourself." As a psychologist who briefly dated a (hardcore) DA, it was difficult and even stressful to resist the urge to tell him what was going on. Tried to talk about myself, tried to bring the topic of attachment styles in the most casual ways, but... This can only work if a DA recognises his patterns, the similarities between the relationships they had, AND are willing to work on their core wounds.
Telling them outright about attachment theory can be taken in many ways, I keep seeing in videos that bringing it up to a DA can trigger their "I am defective" core wound, and maybe also be taken the wrong way, but I personally think its at least important for them to know about it outright so they know its a thing and they can choose to either work through it while you are with them or they work on it with the next partner (or two or three lol), eventually they will realize you were on to something. Personally as an AP, I find it fascinating that the majority of APs who are desperate to change either themselves or their DA's actually embrace attachment theory and get enveloped in all the concepts. Its definitely inspired me to change myself, and also has made me be more forgiving towards my partner when they do something that bothers me a lot
Are DAs the most likely of the ‘Avoidants’ to be highly narcissistic?
Same situation with a fearful avoidant, I was cautious when I brought it up, but it was even more tricky and was received with dismissal. One time he said I cracked his code though. It never lasted long and his obsessive doubts in the background. After the break up, when all felt lost, I sent him an article about relationship OCD.
What was DA again? Old head injury keeps me from being able to remember abbreviations
I’m definitely the anxious attachment, when ever I feel the anxiety come up , I dive into CZcams and find something that helps me become more aware and I do recognise this
I still get the feeling of anxiety though
oh babe. i am the same! but sometimes i even take time to come here because i get paralised. Anxiety is awful.
@@campanitavideos I go to my bedroom now , sit on my feet and centre myself and place my hands together, Breath deeply and calm myself.
Remember that’s it’s only a reaction to something in your childhood, allow it flow ❤️
You fix it by ending it and working in yourself and accepting someone who’s secure!
One thing I don’t agree with is when people say you pushed them away. I think they push themselves away.
I’m slowly accepting the fact that it didn’t work out and if I have to do it again I wouldn’t. These relationships don’t work out for the majority of people. Most of the time the avoidant ditches no matter what you do to try and make it work.
I am inclined to agree.
As a therapist and someone who has personally experienced this cycle, you did a perfect job of explaining this dynamic. I appreciate that you didn’t vilify the avoidant but explained the deep rooted insecurities that tend to drive them. I imagine many watched trying to understand their partner and only realizing at the end that they may be with someone struggling with a personality disorder.. in which case, like you said, they will need individual treatment for in order to be in a healthy relationship. Hard pill to swallow for anxious types hoping they can “fix” them. Thank you for this video.
I first watched this video half a year ago and saw myself as anxious attached and my ex-partner as avoidant attached. This video gave me really great input and insight to understanding my own feelings and patterns, which I worked on in my therapy from that point on and learned a lot about myself. He was not in a place to put the same work into the relationship so a few months back I decided to end the relationship. In my eyes he will forever be a kind and warm human, but being outside that relationship and now dating someone who is very similar to myself when it comes to needs, closeness and love languages, made me realize how much I suffered in that relationship and how little I received.
I am sure there are anxious-avoidant-relationships who can build up a beautiful relationship on the fundament of why they attracted each other in the first place. "Anxious people are actually acting avoidant and avoidant people are actually anxious" really stuck to me and described our relationship perfectly. I really believe that a deep fear of being rejected by someone who I 100 % open up to, made me go into that relationship where I could always say "but he isn't there enough". I am glad for the both of us that this is over and better things are coming.
These are so insightful and triggering at the same time. I’m glad one person on the internet hasn’t labelled avoidants as villains that should be left to die alone.
they are anxious people too
I believe we're unconsciously picking our partners, because we need them to grow into a secure person. I am grateful for my relationship, because I am now secure.
MAY IT BE FOR ME!
Were you the anxious or avoidant one?
As a fearful Avoidant here, this is the best well balanced take on the subject that I have found. Usually anxious individuals are painted as the ones that can do "no wrong and don't need to grow/evolve" , and Avoidants are the villains of the story that need all the work.
I am currently this villain you speak of and it’s not a fair place to be.
The avoidants are the ones lacking empathy. A normal person understands that if you ignore someone you claim to love and treat them worse than a stranger, that that is hurtful and abusive. You wouldn't neglect a child for weeks or months, otherwise it would die. And if you hate the person that much that you can't be honest with them, why be in a relationship with them? Not to say that anxious types don't also have issues. Anxious types have trouble feeling secure and trusting. So when a person disappears for months and refuses to explain their behaviour, anxious people become MORE anxious, less trusting, more resentful.
Ah, I'm crying. This might be the first video I found that explains what goes on with both anxious and avoidants. I can see myself in some of the anxious behavior, but anxiety gets to me pretty quickly once the avoidant disappears, so after I voice my concerns or dissatisfaction a couple of times, I tend to leave the relationship alone. Then I go through months of sadness and confusion by myself. I have no idea what that would be called, but it's really confusing and I've always felt like it's the other person's fault for changing so suddenly.
I learned about codependency too, its another child hood trauma response lots of people deal with
I am practicing to be less needy and still get my needs met. What a long journey
Same here! Good luck, we can do it!
Thank you for commenting and for sharing your experience, Kosha Dillz. Sending you well wishes on your journey.
I was in a relationship with a fearful avoidant and he withdrew and shutdown and totally pushed me out of his life - three times. I'm the anxious avoidant type. We were seeing each other for 8 years, and it was definitely a push pull relationship. I finally realized what it all was and had to leave it.
Hey, I’m glad you finally left that relationship - hopefully 2 weeks on it has stuck. The thing I’ve realised about unaware avoidants is that you’re never really in a relationship with them, and you will be penalised for conducting yourself as though you are in a relationship. I’m sure before you got to 8 years, you found yourself thinking, “how much longer can this go on?”. I also want to say that I’m sorry for any pain you endured in that relationship that was normalised. So often avoidants can normalise things that should never be normalised at all, and it can make you start doubting the emotional pain you’re experiencing. Anyway, I wanted to let you know another woman in the world has read your words and is truly wishing the best for you. X
@@withinwithout6263 Thank you so much! It is greatly appreciated. I do my best to also write things and put it out there in the hopes that someone will see it, and this really means a lot. I did think exactly what you have said several years in and when things were not changing. He tried, but he couldn't get past his self-centeredness or his own issues. I didn't want that "normalization" anymore - I wanted it to evolved. I got slow rolled out. Needless to say, I was very very upset with the way he did it, especially when there was absolutely no communication about why. That is what made me the most upset. I know a lot now that I did not then. I know that God has something else for me, and he had to get me ready for it - and that didn't include the fearful avoidant in my life. :-)
My biggest takeaway from this video would be I found out that I have disorganized attachment but my DA partner often triggers my Anxious side, hence I need to sit with myself and conciously sooth myself whenever I get triggered anxiously cause most of the time my DA partner's act of pulling away its not personally because of me. His struggle is to be vulnerable. He told me about his childhood experience which created his core wounds, born as refugee, his entire life is in survival mode. I will be more kind to myself and not letting his stonewalling behavior get the best of me. after all he's a wonderful man and I love him! 💖 I learn so much from your videos!! thank you so much for existing in this space!!
Wow….you nailed it. After 28 years in a tumultuous marriage to a woman that is distant she says she wants a divorce. She has always had a wall up. Sometimes a foot high sometimes ten feet high. I found that I was always trying to scale it but then told her (after she declared she wanted the divorce) “I’m tired of trying to scale the wall, you need to figure out why you have one and let me know what you want.” It was then I realized that I chose her because she was “safe”. Maybe it was I who had the fear of letting her in. I think that we all come from the “island of broken toys” but tend to think it’s the other person’s fault. “When you point your finger at someone look at your hand, there are three pointing back at you.” I’m working at fixing my own shit and not my wife’s. She has her childhood issues but I’ve decided to lead by example by working on mine and being open about it.
Hey man, when you say, "fear of letting her in" what exactly did you mean? And how exactly are you trying to work on yourself. Your response would be much appreciated.
@@deepanshjay9990 Sure, my mom was an alcoholic/narcissist which I have discovered that I too have boundaries. Being that my wife (who had an alcoholic dad who was verbally and physically abusive) has trust issues it activates trust issues within myself. So it turns out to be a “Push Me Pull You” situation. Once I abandoned expectations of who I want my wife to be and learned to accept who she actually is I realized that I too had trust issues. I decided to work in my issues and not hers. With the exception of how I communicate with her. I no longer tell her how I feel, I just acknowledge her feelings and ask questions which causes her to dig deeper.
@@Gundog55 you are suppressing your expectations from your partner, are you happy doing so? Do you think, just listening to what she has to say and not telling her what you feel is helping you in any way? And is she aware that you are somehow trying to make your relationship work so she should also start to think about your expectations?
Sorry, i dont want you to raise doubts on your strategy but just want to know if it works so maybe i should try.
Although, suppressing my expectations of love from my partner doesn't make me feel nice.
@@deepanshjay9990 No need to apologize, those are all good points. You say “suppressing” but what I think of it as more of lowering my expectations. Look, life and people isn’t perfect. I looked at my “needs” and asked myself “Why do you ‘need’ these emotional/physical items? What is causing these?” I think you will find that by looking at those wants needs and desires many of them come from unaddressed issues from one’s past.
My MBPT results showed that I am an
ENFJ-T personality. I see patterns in behaviors and other things. I could see that while I’m trying to explain my “feelings” she was busy building a counter argument to justify her feelings. She has PTSD and anxiety so she isn’t capable of absorbing any my explanations or logic. So by my listening and asking questions as help get to the root of her frustrations and fears I have found it calms her down. When she feels she is being heard she’s calmer. Everyone wants to be heard but no one reflects on why they feel the way they do. We blame others for why we feel that way which is giving power over you to them. I have found more about myself by questioning my wants, needs and desires. I have learned more by listening than talking which is difficult being an extrovert.
@@Gundog55 That's a big step of growth, for you. For her, we'll see...
"never to to surrender to the act of receiving?" I JUST LEARNT SOMETHING ABOUT MYSELF 💀💀💀
“open hearts” “Rolling Stones” “spice-of-lifers” I love the non-judgmental names haha
Currently with an avoidant & it's hell. Thanks for all da info & insight.
Same. The avoidant won't work with you just blame and run. She has ruined my life and my health and I still keep fighting for her.
I'm right there with ya. Almost 4 yrs and it's effected my business, my finances and health. I'm not the man I was and it's killing me
@mkckf4l and they make out its your fault. I am too needy. Apparently I have no reason to be upset about her emotional cheating with another married man, they are only friends according to her. This time I've left her for good, but the scars are deep.
I have an anxious-avoident attachment style and this has been very opening. Relationships are difficult for me. I very much want closeness but am worried that I'll just get hurt. You were saying my exact thoughts, these thoughts are completely suffocating
It would be so nice to see a comment where the Attachments are generalized and other blaming.
If you are perfectly showing up in the relationship in the ways suggested, and your partner still responds in a negative manner, then you are dealing with a person whom has not done or is not willing to do the work. That is specific to that person.
Not all people with Avoidant attachments run “ for no reason“ just as not all People with Anxious attachment “ smother just to smother “.
These things will work if BOTH parties are doing their individual work.
People are watching these videos looking for ways to change the other’s behavior without considering their own contribution to the madness.
Do your own personal work to become more secure. Learn to set boundaries and recognize whether or not your partner is doing the work and if they are show more patience and compassion and if they aren’t then maybe it is time to find someone who is.
This video was so eye opening! I tend to be avoidant while my boyfriend is anxious but it's something that I've been trying to deal with yet didn't know how. I've always felt my bf relies on me too heavily for validation and it's exhausting, and when I'm feeling like I need space I tend to feel guilty when I ask him to step back for a bit. Communication is key, and learning how to do it better is just so rewarding 😊
I'm in a 15 year relationship with an avoidant, I am an anxious, I have done alot of work on myself over the past few years and I feel he is not meeting my needs anymore .. he is so cold and distant which worked for me a few years ago as I was numb and dissociated most of my life. I have 3 kids with this man and a home. I don't know my next step. Every time he withdraws and locks himself away the more I move away and become less bothered
22 years the same with 3 kids - she doesnt want to do the work - there is nothing I can do to overcome the damage left by her father leaving at 2 and mother running away when she was 22 . Shes an avoidant Im anxious I have just cut her out of my life even though we share the same house
You must communicate this to him. It’s the only chance for it to ever change, may work may not but it’s the only chance.
@@shanejones578 The problem is more often than not they wont aknowledge the issues they have and ergo wont communicate. They spend so long building the walls that there is no will to remove them. You cant effectively communicate with them if they wont let you and thats the sad thing
Are you married or just in a relationship?
@@lejlakekic6379 not married
Absolutely in a relationship like this for the past 6 months. We have been looking into attachment theory and, oh boy, it all makes sense now. I´m the anxious one. We´re both trying and it feels good. I feel like I´m growing emotionally. Thank you.
This has gotta be the BEST video on CZcams about attachment wounds. I'm so glad I found this. Wish everyone would see it
Valeska Vasconcelos Glad you liked this video! Thank you for commenting.
"never have to surrender to the act of receiving" - incredible. yes.
I'm a "Open Heart" & had to let my Avoidant partner go after ten months. Likely I held on about 5 months too long to try & "change" her. Keep in mind she is 55 y/o & a long history of Avoidant behavior. Thank you for clarifying all of these behaviors to me. Luckily in my life I discovered loving partners & healthy ones, finally after 40 years of age ( 2 long term ones). However this last one really threw me for a loop & discovered these attachment styles from you !! They reminded me of relationship trauma's I had in my 20's. I tried to tell her & give her information on attachment theory, he wouldn't hear of it nor read it. She didn't want to change....I tried & tried. I had to leave & it hurt me badly. For my wellbeing & health I had to end it. Life is too short...I'm healing. Thank you !
Good luc kwith your healing
@@Non-disjunction thank you 🙏🏽
Anyone else found that yourself and your partner completely switcharood? I used to be avoidant in the beginning, he was anxious. When he became frustrated with my attachment style and I could feel him pulling away - we became the opposites. Now he is so avoidant and I don’t know how to stop being so anxious and for us both to find that secure balance
Watched this 19x today and I want to cry wish I knew sooner
I think deep down everybody is a „spice or lifer“ and has both, an anxious and an avoidant part. We just vary in intensity on each part. „Rolling Stones“ are high in avoidance and low in anxiousness, but they still have it. „Open hearts“ are high in anxiousness and low in avoidance but they still have it. „Spice of lifers“ are high in both (poor them).
I think we look for people, who compared to us, are equally intense traumatized but with the reverse anxious/avoidant settings. Maybe we do that because our counterparts perfectly show us the work we have to do in order to allow us to be happy, without it revealing too fast or too slow, but exactly right.
And when we're lucky, we meet someone who's just so right for us, that we can travel that journey of revealing and conquering our traumas at the same perfect speed, without needing to change lanes ever again.
But i guess we wouldnt be here watching this video if this was the case for us (yet) lol.
Really well said.
Thank you! I am the anxious one and my boyfriend is the avoidant. So glad to watch this video in better understanding of the Anxious-Avoidant trap. We have been on and off so many times! Not sure what's next for us...I am healing.
My husband and are the same as you guys. It's so hard and emotionally and physically draining. I wish you guys luck and strength to get through this.
Hello. Any update? I am also in an on and off relationship. I used to be secure type but i became anxious since i have a 9 year on and off relationship with my avoidant boyfriend. It is really frustrating.
The avoidant ones don't suffer as much as you since they prefere affairs over a relationship. Better run. I know from own experience. Try to find healing and a healthy available partner.
I am actively avoiding how accurate you are, and how avoidant (fearful) I am... I hate when I fall head over heels with an anxious open heart, then quickly fall out, and the guilt of holding on to make sure that its REALLY not meant to be, is painful and pushed me further away. That's the people pleasing that I do. I try to be open, but feel that I will never be satisfied for long... I often fixate on flaws instead of the things that initially attracted me, and pull way back. That 'staying friends' comment really hit me. This has always been me. I think this is my mother... I'm sure of it. I'm emotionally intelligent, but don't feel safe FEELING the emotional intensity for long.
I've been anxious & made all the mistakes
I've been healing & growing four five years now . Thanks to all videos, I regonize all the family dynamics.....amazing !!
Thanks for the Enlightenment !!!!
Thank you for commenting and for sharing your experience, Mario. Sending you well wishes on your journey.
I , a 29 year old male have realized that i am anxious attachment . And i am now realizing I'm in a relationship with an avoidant attachment style woman .
I see that both of us have failed the relationship and we have both been unknowingly triggering each other .
It's insane how accurate all of this is.
We have fighting been months and things have just made absolute no sense to me . But watching vids like this is helping me understand the dynamic that's been going on .
I don't know if I'm at the point where it's too late to save it . I do want to but i realize as you said it has to be a two person thing . I can't do it myself .
I hope i am able to bring up fixing things together and understand each other's triggers. Trying to think how i can let her know what behaviors send me in a rabbit hole without making it seem I'm blaming her for it .
Thanks so much for this video
Good luck, it’s worth trying. Lots of love, and patience.
Otherwise you fall into another rabbit hole, with someone else.
Watch these videos with your partner?
Just let it die and find someone else like yourself. Avoidants are toxic to anxious people. Seriously.
Thank you for commenting and for sharing your experience, dsvp. Sending you well wishes on your journey.
Found your channel recently. I just wanna say, you are very intelligent and articulate, and the way you put things into words is sooo helpful. Deep and insightful, yet easy to follow and helps the listener connect the dots and see the shape of things. Psychologically rich, yet relatable and practically applicable. Keep up the good work!
Alt Acct Thank you! Much appreciated.
@@brianamacwilliam.attachment exactly! you put it so simply, its easy to understand
So true🙌🏻🌟
The only "trick" is to work on your own attachment patterns = learning to regulate your nervous system. When you've become more secure, they will too. It's the power of our biology
How so? I want to understand how it works if you could further explain. This information makes sense
Great answer
Not true. From my experience as a secure, once they start to withdraw there is no way of changing their minds and it will drive even the most secure person crazy and make them anxious. Just because their avoidance makes you anxious and worried, doesn’t mean you’re an anxiously attached person.
@@viewtifulgold4223 I think the point is you cannot change or fix other people, you can only work on yourself and establish boundaries. If you're with somebody that has no interest in working with you to have a healthy relationship you are always best to just get out whether that person is anxious or avoidant because it's a lifetime of fighting otherwise.
Also for what it's worth, sometimes anxious people interpret a secure persons natural avoidant response to their overbearing nature as "Oh he must just be an avoidant" when in reality they're actually just having a natural response to your insecure needs. He's just not that into you, as they would say. Not saying that's true for you, but I'm a secure and I have never felt any particular difficulty dealing with full on avoidants compared to anxious. They're both equally toxic and if they aren't aware and working on it, basically impossible to have a healthy relationship with either.
Thank you for commenting and sharing your perspective, martita1205🧘🏼.
I have never watched a video that hit me so hard about my last relationship EVER
Bailey Saleumvong Thank you for commenting. I’m glad the content has been helpful!
This is absolutely amazing!! But now can you tell us how to recognise someone with a secure attachment style and how to magically find them attractive? 😁
I kinda thought I was an open heart with some avoidant tendencies combined with other problems like OCD and some ROCD but this video reaaaally made it obvious that I’m a spice of lifer and this made me cry but in a positive way and I’m working on my life and myself and my ability to connect with my partner and all of that so freaking much these last weeks. This makes so much sense. Thank you.
Thank you for commenting and for sharing your experience, Frey Venus. Sending you well wishes on your journey.
Dismissive Avoidant style is not compatible for anyone who wants to find a healthy relationship. Do yourself a favor and run.
Find someone who is healthy, whole and available for a relationship.
The same could be said about the anxious attachment style, as well, so be careful about this narrative/advice
@@craftsentic1899 I agree with you, however the anxious type lets their wants and needs be heard while avoidants tend to keep to themselves and if it weren't for videos like this, people might not even know whats going on at all. Its what makes it hard to be with a DA that refuses anything you try to do to help them or the relationship
i guess im an anxious type but im self aware for a while now, now that im single again I'd work on myself and hopefully i can find someone who'd care for my needs just as much as their own.
Luckily secure attachment & even anxious attachment can successful workout better than an Avoidant ....the numbers of them are on our side. Best of luck !!
Love, love this video! I have been dating a man for almost a year now and just now learning about attachment styles. He's Avoidant and I'm Anxious. I'm willing to do the work, but I don't see how he would ever agree to look at himself. The hot and cold thing is really annoying. Don't think I can live like this.
Hey guys I’m finally out woooooo since December 17 from my avoidant ex. I’m now with a stable and I am so happy. I wasted 4 years of my life but I’m finally out yayyy❤🎉 you can do it 😊
I have never in my life heard this so beautifully broken down. I am MIND blown right now.
EXCELLENT! The part about anxious attachment style chasing avoidants because they don't want to be "seen" for who they really are and don't want to let go of control was a true aha moment! thank you!
Well, you 5 minutes of the video were illuminating. After 7 years of trying to have a normal relationship with a sort of an open heart (I'm a rolling stone) I decided to give up. It got better at one point when I started applying your tips but it was one sided relationship as my partner did not even address that I also had needs. It's all about him and his needs. After 10 months I'm still recovering but at least I'm conscious and aware of my patterns. As a very hurt 52 years old I hope I won't go back to my avoidant pattern. Keep the fingers crossed. Thank you very much
You can perfectly ask for your needs and give an example to a DA. Problem is, they'll agree and then do NOTHING!!!! Stop giving AP's false hope. AP's need to start attachment healing, thats the answer. DA's dont change, they only scratch the surface when shown how to heal.
I'm anxious and my husband is avoidant. We have been married for 23 years, and it's been so very hard. Of course I recognize that I have work to do, he thinks he's just fine and everything will be ok when I deal with my trauma 🙄. Little does he understand, he is just as neurotic.
Same, 16 years, but we might be over by the end of the year 😔
@@ErinSmith-jo8td I'm honestly not sure how much longer I can do this either. I'm growing and finally seeing things and they really don't like my boundaries. They as in my husband and kids. Nobody wants boundaries or accountability. He is so avoidant it's an act of God to get him to have the smallest bit of insight and I'm just getting too old and tired. I have a great therapist thankfully 💜. Keep growing and working on you.
My girlfriend of 4 years left me for another guy a month ago, we were engaged 6 months. I'm the avoidant I think, she's definitely anxious plus abandonment issues most likely. I wish I knew all of this stuff just a couple months ago, I feel like I could've saved it, but I don't think she is able or willing to put in the work. I've learned so much in the past month; hundreds of hours. I wish you luck, find a way to break through to your partner if you can. I miss mine so much.
@@diatonicjon if she doesn't want to put in the work then it's not worth it. But, you may be surprised and still get another chance. If she is with someone who is the opposite of you it may be that she's just coping and trying to get love bombed from lack of affection. That will wear off eventually and she will want something sturdy back and may reach out.
@@ErinSmith-jo8td how did it go with you? Still together ?
OMG. You pack a master's class into every video! It will take me a week to unpack this video...
This might be the best video I’ve seen about avoidant partners because you skillfully focused more on the dynamic rather than shaming the avoidant. I think I might be dating an avoidant and this video really helped to show me how I am contributing to the problem, my own flaws in attachment styles and when to call it quits if need be. I’ve found sooo many videos on avoidants and believe that it’s way too easy to blame your partner. I feel stronger than ever moving forward. Thanks so much!!!
I'm thrilled to hear that you found the video so impactful! It's all too easy to point fingers in relationships, especially when things are not going as we'd hoped. However, understanding that both parties contribute to the dynamic can be a game-changer. Knowing your own attachment style and recognizing your own patterns can empower you to make healthier decisions for yourself and your relationship. It sounds like you're on the path to not just understanding your partner better, but also growing as an individual. That's the kind of insight that can make a difference in every area of your life. Thank you so much for your kind words and for sharing how the video has helped you feel stronger moving forward. Best of luck to you in your journey! 😊
Great video. Any suggestions on how to improve anxious attachment styles so that I can better deal with the avoidant?
You described our marriage. I am the anxious and my wife is avoidant. Our marriage is in a bad place.
You guys may benefit some Anxious and Avoidant attachment therapy separately.. this is me and my fiancé. All aspects of our lives are amazing except with a few things and the few are a road block.😢
good luck. my DA initiated a divorce through email after 10 years married. give your significant other space and work on you, itll help you that way if things go totally sideways, you are prepared…
The last minute of your video hit home to help me to realize that emotional immaturity In an individual creates an impossible situation to exist in relationship with.
Ever since Dr. Akhigbe helped me, my partner is very stable, faithful and closer to me than before. I highly recommends Dr. Akhigbe to anyone in need of help..
I find myself in a relationship that is as described. I have never had a healthy boyfriend/husband relationship. I want to know what that looks like. I have triggers and this current relationship is bringing up all my codependency.
Same
The core feeling of anxious attachment is a fear of true intimacy.. I was just realizing this today
Thank you for commenting and sharing your perspective, Jacqueline.
Ive been married to my best friend for 28+ years. Weve been going through this cycle for the enire 28 years. We have a strong connection for awhile, then i seemed to back off and not show her how i felt about her. In turn she would "put up walls around her heart" to protect herself. I never accepted my part in the cycle. But my eyes have been opened now and i realize that my insecurities caused me to do the same protection cycle. Her childhood was very rough with her parents not being there for her emotionally, so it would make sense that she would have anxious attachment style. But my childhood wasnt nearly as bad, however my dad was very narcissistic and controling. So i did take on some of his bad behaviors. Recently, i have been made aware of the way my behavior can make people feel and have been working diligently to self correct. I have began therapy and am feeling like im on a great path. However, my wife has grown too tired of the cycle and we both assumed it was just may behavior that was causing it. After learning about anxious attachment, i feel like we both have that style and i think couples therapy could save us. But she just wants to end things. I just want her to be happy, but now understanding what our actual problems may have been, i want to work through it. Any advice?
Thanks for sharing. This is the same dynamic between my husband and me. We are coming up on 10 years together and have come to the conclusion we need to both heal and course correct. I am happy for you for getting help and hope you and your wife can make it work.
@Impactfully Thanks. I hope you and your husband can work through these issues. My wife is at a point where she is just finished with our relationship. So no matter how much I'm willing to do to make healthy changes to make our relationship as strong as it was in the beginning, for her it's too late. But she is my absolute best and really only friend. We have 3 grown children together. The 22 and 26 year old are living with us right now and we care for a 13 year old boy with down syndrome and his 7 year old sister. They are our friends kids and we've been helping with them since they were born. So we still live together, help raise the friends kids together, and we own a business together. So this sucks sooooo bad. Hope you and your husband are both willing to keep trying. Good luck.
Thank you for posting this inquiry. I understand it can be a painful and confusing experience.
What you describe it sounds like it may be an “anxious avoidant trap” situation.
These videos might offer some insight.
When to Leave A Toxic Relationship, According to Your Chakras czcams.com/video/604gZk4iIFQ/video.html
The Anxious-Avoidant Trap or Divine Timing? How Can You Tell? czcams.com/video/kEYJqOb0JJw/video.html
Avoidant and Anxious Relationship Struggles: How to Spot the Trap czcams.com/video/C9Mr3R_Ykbg/video.html
[1 of 5] The Anxious Avoidant Trap: A Case of Like Sees Like czcams.com/video/yMOpdJM3Ot4/video.html
[2 of 5] 6 Signs of the Anxious-Avoidant Trap czcams.com/video/Kw0YMwKb6xo/video.html
Am I Anxious, or Are They My SoulMate? czcams.com/video/vNoxPtQdAIM/video.html
I was a secure in my last relationship which was with an anxious, however I'm now with an avoidant and it's turned me into the anxious one, he's just so different, communicates so much less and needs more space than I'm used to, it's left me constantly questioning myself about how he feels, which leads me to behave in ways that I don't like. I'm really working on getting back to secure by watching so many videos and reading as much as I can, as I realise that I am sabotaging a relationship with someone I really do love! I'm hoping that once I get back to that trusting and chilled state it will help him open up more and feel more secure himself. Has anyone else felt their attachment style has changed by being with an avoidant?
Yeah for sure. I suffered from trauma growing up that made me fairly avoidant of relationships. I would like someone and as soon as they showed interest in me in return I’d turn them down for the fear of intimacy. Then I met my current boyfriend who is heavily avoidant. When I have the relationship a chance, I opened myself up to intimacy and bring that vulnerable must have triggered an avoidant response from him because shortly after I became more and more anxious. Despite this we’ve had a very loving relationship for years (almost four now) we do our best to hear each other and grow together. Since starting college, though, time has been more heavily constrained and caused both of us to flare (me with being anxious about wether or not he prioritizes the relationship and him with pulling away from being overwhelmed and not knowing how to process emotions and these challenges with lots of responsibilities and lack of personal time to recoup. We workin on it, but I have faith we will get there. I have to recommend Therapy in a Nutshell’s videos on how to stop overthinking and rumination. There are some supper great tools there for individual work :) !
Its me hi! 🙋🏽♀️ i’m the problem. I was always anxious but then i became secure and now with an avoidant I’m anxious again lol or was until about a month ago where i just got busy. Like real busy. I took extra clients and worked longer hours, started working out again and seeing my friends more. I wouldnt call first or text first. And it wasnt to manipulate. It was to give him space. My Goodness it worked! He is back and more willing to communicate and even spend time. So im reaching out now like 2-3 times a week first so he knows im making effort but also respecting his space and i think it makes him feel safer. And im actually less anxious. Crazy.
Talking about your needs and his needs is a great way as well. I just kept blame out of the conversation and only focused on finding a resolution. It made me realize that his needs werent being met either because he need’s different things than I do to feel loved. So some great questions to ask in the conversation that helped us are these:
1. What have I done recently that has made you feel loved?
2. Is there anything that I can do for you that will help me feel like I am contributing to the relationship without sacrificing your independence?
3. Are there anyways that you feel loved that I have not done yet?
4. (You the anxious be clear on your needs and be reasonable) for example (i will only see you 2 times a week out of respect for your space, but the two days i want quality time. 30 minute cuddles, passionate goodbye kisses, no phones, once a month sleepovers.) i felt like being clear and detailed down to the amount of time helped.
5. You the anxious have to know they may not have an answer right then for you, tell them you know that and that you will give them time to think that through. And they can talk to you when they are ready.
6. Normalize telling one another you need space but ask him the avoidant to just include how much he loves you and will reach out once he decompresses. It will help your anxiety.
These have helped soooooooo much its crazy! He’s even seeing me more than the 2 times all on his own. I think he feels safe.
@@jasminemarie1027 I’m happy to hear you’re happy in your relationship, but may I ask how long you’ve been together if you don’t mind? I am just shocked to hear you only see him two times a week or a little more, but of course if the relationship is still building trust/ in earlier stages that space sounds totally healthy to me. But of course if you guys have been together a long time its not necessarily a bad thing either, as long as both your needs are being met and you’re happy, I’m honestly just curious. Best of luck to you both also!
@@jennierussell hi Jenni! 🙋🏽♀️ so we have been together for a year now. The issue was that he wasn’t communicating his needs and when things felt outside of his comfort zone for a long while he didn’t tell me it was. I wasn’t even aware he was an avoidant until not too long ago because he was compromising himself so much. We were seeing each other quite a lot but it was not sustainable for him in the long run. So i watch a lot of videos on avoidants and how I as an anxious can ease the pressure and help our relationship, as well as therapy to heal my own attachment issues and this is what i could come up with. I suggested the 2 days a week as we both work very long hours. But we have managed getting in 4-5 days. The 2 days only lasted about 2 weeks. I just had to set a time limit on being touchy feely for my needs and we agreed to over communicate and check in with each other once a week for 15-20 minutes so that neither one of us is overwhelmed by the vulnerability as I am also not fond of being vulnerable. Its been a process but we have gotten better and it is quite a lot of effort to remember that we are different and we are not trying to hurt one another. In the days we are together we make it a priority to meet one anothers needs. At first it started as a checklist and then it evolved organically. And i swear he almost enjoys the cuddle time now. Maybe not as long as me but he definitely extends it a little bit longer.
Wow. You must be the proverbial fly on my wall with the avoidance description. My hubby EXACTLY. HOWEVER. He has not been that way all our married life. We had a huge enormous emotional upheaval and since then he has slowly descended into the avoidant big time. 😪
Thank you for commenting and for sharing your experience, Sarah Gillian Bower. Sending you well wishes on your journey.
Knew our similar childhood traumas were pulling us together but didn't know how as we were opposite in our approach to relationships. Thank you for laying it out clearly. God bless.
I’m so glad that it was helpful!
THIS was so informative. I literally took notes like I was in class. I am currently in an anxious/avoidant dynamic (currently not communicating) and it's crushing. I'm a bit embarrassed at how I lash out not effectively communicating my feelings and wants. But also wanting to navigate through this attachment towards a more healthier one.
Thank you for sharing it's much needed and appreciated! ❤
I am glad i found this topic as I think thats what my girls issue is. I love her deeply and carried this torch for many years, shes the only one i feel intimate with but could never seem to land her as my partner, ive seen her get married and have relationships but never with me, and ive deeply desired that for many years. I feel we are growing closer and i want to understand her so i can be the best lover i can be for her, the issue i feel is that without a doubt i know she is the one, and i know if i can have the chance i can prove it. Our intimacy is amazing ive never felt anything like it.
Avoidant does not care and is not preocupied with their partner activities at all, trust me, im one. I want my personal space and independence
Thank you so much for sharing your avoidant perspective! What do you mean ks not preoccupied by their partner activities & they do not care? Do you mean they really don't care that much at all about how they make their anxious partner feel?
@@kokoskokso yea thats what i mean. I do not care if he is mad or anxious or happy or anything. I am detached from him.
@@kokoskokso also i love keeping my personal space and independence while i am in a relationship which is weird i know lol
@@madalinab3665 Hello 👋🏼. No judgement here, but what's the point of being in a relationship? Sounds like your partner could be a burden for your really quickly. 🤔
All I can say is “wow”!!! Not only will I save this video, I know I will need to watch it several times to really let this sit in my spirit/psyche for a minute! (I’ve even tried to take notes 📝! Jeez!)
I feel the same way. It's so much information all at once but... wow... all of it... I feel like she was describing my relationship the whole time!
I took notes too! 😆
WOW I wish I could give a standing ovation!! Im just now learning the importance of knowing your attachment style! In all my 35 years of life I wondered why I was wired a certain way and respond to love the way I did. It ALL make sense now... Certain parts of the video I had to pause and collect myself because everything was soo spot on!!! Now I'm ready to heal this thing. I want healthy connections 😩 🙏🏾
🧡🧡 pray that you will have them!
My partner is avoident and I am disorganized. He keeps trying to come back to me after we split, usually a mutual split, and he comes back showing me improvements he's made in his life and I take the time to do the same. We come back each time with more understanding but our 'last ditch' effort to build a relationship and we were struggling and we weren't sure why. Now we do because of this video and it may have just put us past an impasse we've been having. It's like a light 💡 went off. Great video!
Thank you for explaining this attachment style of the push & pull. I am a insecure, anxious, attachment, person, and my husband is completely avoidant. But we know how to communicate and work hard to meet each other’s needs. Thank you for explaining this so Much appreciate.
Please teach me how you communicate with each other, that's how my relationship is and we have been struggling for months ,we break up and get back but still end up hurting each other
The two men I’ve been most intimate with in my life match the description you gave for when the anxiously attached person should leave…. Actual torture until you cut them off, that’s when your entire body relaxes and stops making you feel like you’re constantly dying. 🙃
As in you leaving because you're anxiously attached..
The final thoughts SO KEY! This is right on, and refreshingly devoid of making either party the 'bad one' or use of uneeded labelling. Just addressing the trauma and behaviours in a factual way. Thank you!!
EMarie-3 Glad you liked this video! Thank you for commenting.
This showed up on my feed at the right time! I even took notes and saved it just so I can reference it again! Thank you so much! It just brought a light on my own situation.
QodaGM Thank you for commenting. I’m glad the content has been helpful!
I came across one of your videos regarding Anxious attachment style. It was so spot on that it was embarrassing. I’m a 52 yo man and I have struggled all my life with this and never knew why I felt the way I do an why I seam to blow up all my relationships. I’m married to a rolling stone for 15 years and I’m desperately trying find peace. It just feels to late for me and the anxiety and depression is just getting crippling. Not sure where to start.
Oh man, sorry to hear this. Its not too late. You deserve happiness, i know it sucks to go through this. So, start it somehow, atleast you could spend rest of your life making your relationship better!
It’s not too late, do the work, invite her in..and she’s not into ..move on, and keep healing yourself
This is the most informative video I’ve found on this. Thank you for addressing so many things in such detail. ❤
The final thoughts section is my exact situation. I tried to express my needs in a healthy way and collaborate on solutions, but she just got defensive and pushed me away and criticised and I felt even more unheard. I don’t know how to encourage her to work on herself, so I just had to leave. I miss her all the time.
this is me and she dumped me, im still hoping shell come back for a fix. idk if I should wait or let her go, since I realized holding her back isn't working
Thank you for commenting and for sharing your experience, Rich McKee Guitars. Sending you well wishes on your journey.
This video has been very helpful, thank you. One thing I would like to suggest is not to try to make up new terms for existing ones. Anxious is good enough, no need for open hearts. It is complicated enough already for us, mortals.
I'm really glad to hear you found the video helpful! Your point about not complicating things with new terms is well-taken. I totally get that the world of relationships and psychology is intricate enough without adding another layer of jargon.
About the 'new adjectives,' I think language is a huge constructor of our realities, and just because a bunch of psychologists decide to call a collection of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors one thing, doesn't make it the best thing to call it. A large part of my mission is showing people how to take charge of their own narratives, and I do that by taking charge of the language I use. It's about empowerment, but I absolutely get that it can be overwhelming.
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts. Your feedback not only helps me, but it also contributes to the broader discussion that we're all a part of. Cheers! 😊
This was truly insightful. In the past I've considered relationships anxious/avoidant when they were in fact, abusive. This demonstrates a clear difference.
They lacked the "they value your feelings as much as their own" sentiment. I'm in a happy, long term, relationship with someone who isn't avoidant but struggled to understand why I gravitated to that for so long.
This is the most helpful information I've seen. Thank you!
Dear Briana; i very much like this cd it triggers my relationship I am in and you are 100percent correct the approach to these type of communication has to be carefully spoken. These type of people instantly put up a wall claiming I am the one wanting to start a fight when in reality i am trying to get my feeling across Explaining something takes to repeat the same at least 2 to 3times I get so frustrated when I take extra time to report something they ask me to do, and when finish explaining they ask the same questions again to work on what they ask already. Anyway, your good advise. helps me understand why they can drive me crazy and make me feel like Iam wasting my time and good will.
Great video. I took from this video the importance of valuing myself equally, not less; and that when you have evidence that your partner does not value your needs equally you must not allow yourself - out of fear or low self esteem or because you think leaving or closing a door is always bad - to be convinced to stay. The words you are being told must be interpreted alongside the behavior.
Thank you, this is the best episode of the series on DAs. Lot of exact descriptions. You nailed those sentences, I hear often. DAs hardly accept their fault. Do not want to work on themselves. We treat them like princesses and they treat us as manure.
You kinda missed the point of the video? Deep down you both feel the same way; you’re worried the real you isn’t loveable. You just project that fear in different ways.
This seems like a full time job to make a relationship work. 😳how about finding people like yourself where everything goes smoothly.☺️
Nah without education and awareness all you'll get is mirrors with the same dynamic. You'll see yourself and project.
In, 34 years, ive yet to find such comment on youtube ability to simply convey this topic [which is so important to every human]. A+, and keep up the amazing work/videos!
for the relationship to work, the anxious avoidant will need to take a double degree in psychology and psychiatry to manage the dismissive avoidant.
I for sure have an anxious attachment style, I ended up suffocating my partner, always being unsure and insecure about their feelings for me, being overly affectionate and loving and not getting nearly the same expression of love back. I didn't really th8nk about the difference in attachment styles between us, I just assumed that she didn't love me or that she was acting distant and cold towards me when in reality I was the one too demanding and clingy, which also results in her becoming more distant, needing more space etc.
If I had have better self awareness about the situation I was in and the dynamic between us it would've been a lot easier, communicating about it more and realising and talking about the difference between us. It's not game ending, it's about understanding and taking responsibility for the emotions you feel and not blame it on the actions or non actions of the partner. And to be able to learn and constantly grow and work on the feelings that creates those insecurities and situations. It's hard.
Sadly it's too late, we broke up and I'm devastated, I love her so much and she's already moved on. I wish I could've learned all those lot sooner and I would've had a better grasp of everything and what to do.
After watching the entire video I realise exactly how certain situations thst created friction should've been handled, and ways for myself to express my insecurities in a healthy way where I never put any blame on my partner for my feelings, which I never intended to do but through the words I used I know it had that affect. And I know I didn't leave enough space for her and such.
At least I'm better equipped now, knowing my own self a lot more and knowing how to deal with my emotions and expressions in a healthier way with a future partner. Maybe even get together with my love again at some point, but that's wishful thinking and dangerous if I want to be able to move on.
Ever since Dr. Akhigbe helped me, my partner is very stable, faithful and closer to me than before. I highly recommends Dr. Akhigbe to anyone in need of help..
@@crystalhaynes5786 I'll check this person out. Sadly me and my ex has had a super turbulent week, and we'll never talk to each other again. So I'll have to move on, even if it's insanely hard. It's a learning experience, and I'll continue to watch videos like these and grow.
I’d say you dodged a bad situation. Now you can find a woman who isn’t an ice queen.
@@TNord. Yea, it's complicated.
It's hard to convince the brain that the person I loved, wasn't the person she was in reality. Still loving the "her" that wasn't a reality, a version created in my mind. It's easy to rationalise it and try and tell myself that, that she isn't the person I made her up to be in my head. But the emotional part of me cannot be convinced of that, not yet at least, I still love her a lot, and want to be with her more than anything and I think about her every single day still, morning and nights. It's torture, but it's getting more and more manageable every week, even though I'm probably a while away from being able to move on and be happy for real.
So yea, you're probably right I did dodge a bad situation, I cannot convince myself that that's how she was in general with the love and affection, that it was due to other things and my own fault that the love and affection I gave her wasn't reciprocated. It's hard when you're in a spot of incredible love and affection, and your partner isn't in the same space, because it felt like I didn't have a real outlet of my love when the feelings wasn't expressed as much back. Like yea, I could tell her how much she meant to me and that I loved her, but rarely hearing it from her on her own accord, that's mentally straining and it felt like I wasn't as loved. But all that's a lot about attachment styles and whatnot as well but my feelings were affected nevertheless.
I still want her, for life, and I wished she felt the same, but I know there are other women out there too that'd take my intense love and affection gladly, I try to convince myself that it's her loss.
@@KirbyTheKirb I know how you feel. I fell for someone who never reciprocated, but I just took it as something broken in her, and that with the constant shining of my love light, and being a strong person myself with tons of well-being, she would see that a relationship could be a space for affection, concern, and a place to share emotions. But that never happened. I had an inclination after a few years, that I should develop myself into something different and get out of the situation, but for practical reasons I stayed, for twenty years. The last ten years has been a transformation from a lukewarm couple into friendly partners raising a son together, spending about half time together in the same home, and the other half wherever we want. So she lives with her love interest half-time, and I just hold the fort, so to speak, so my son, age 12, has a place to call home. So when I say you dodged a bad situation, I see my own path, and inability to let go and a lack of awareness of the cost of hanging on, as to where I am now. But we have traveled the world together with my son spending many months volunteering on farms in Denmark, Italy, Asia, etc, so I stayed on for the adventure since she was supporting my role as the caregiver in the family. But I sacrificed a gentle hand on the back, a word of tenderness, and a willingness to engage emotionally. I had to find it all within. It's the path I choose now twenty years, but I would tell me younger self, to not enter a relationship with anxious/dismissive dynamics if you desire to laze on blankets in the park and feel connected. Maybe it's over simplified, and there's much more to the story obviously. But getting over the pain and rejection takes time and that still feels like wasted emotion, but I'm not bitter about it, just a learning experience. I don't look at relationships as something I need to be OK anymore. It's nice to have though.
It’s energy. We attack each other because neither are emotionally available. It’s a real pickle.
This was so insightful and comprehensive. Your specific recommendations regarding trigger statements was illuminating. I recognized but never understood the attraction between attachment types until now. I can't thank you enough.
If I’m an AP and my DA spouse refuses to do the work, and hates even discussing it. Basically just needs me to “get over it” and ignore my concerns of my love languages not being met, ignore my emotions of feeling intimacy dwindling, but we are married with kids, at what point does becoming secure and realizing this isn’t a good fit and I deserve love outweigh the consequences of divorce?
I can't tell you what's right for your situation, but I can tell you that when a partner refuses to put in the work and show care for the other partner, it's more harmful for kids to see modeling of self-neglect/tolerating-bad-treatment than it is for them to go through a divorce and see modeling of choosing yourself and finding happiness in your independence. Good luck mate
When I see things like this I often wonder if I'm really that avoidant. The person that doesn't want therapy is the anxious person I'm dating because he perceived it as I was saying he's too much to deal with
Or sometimes I think I have this unconscious thought that I don’t truly deserve connection. That I am not worthy. And if I receive it it’s so far from my belief it causes anxiety. I’ve settled so nicely into the belief that I don’t matter. Working on it!
Wow! This was so helpful in understanding why my relationship didn’t work.
I found out no matter what you say how you say it, if they're a true avoidant your concerns will be dismissed. An avoidant has to have a certain amount of maturity to be able to do that which often is extremely stifled
Ever since Dr. Akhigbe helped me, my partner is very stable, faithful and closer to me than before. I highly recommends Dr. Akhigbe to anyone in need of help..
My avoidant takes request and has adjusted to things like being more intimate at certain times and affectionate ..he started holding my hand a lot and gentle touches out of no where. Still needs tons of space! But so do I ..as a super Virgo, I love being alone 🤣 yet he tends to put work and projects above all ELSE. Leaves me feeling taken for granted hmmm
@@taraclark4356 weird thing is mine is very affection and very loving unlike most are. He’s actually a very sensitive person. Just shuts down during convos sometimes
@@taraclark4356 I am a Pisces OMG I totally resonate with you on this one my girlfriend has a Capricorn moon and she’s very dedicated to her work though I have a Leo Moon and need lots of fun and stimulation in love.
Yep, mine completely stonewalled me, only replies I get now are "idk" and "I don't know what to say" and then I get left on read for days. It is truly soul crushing
my fearful avoidant ex seemed attractedd to my assertiveness but once he realised it involved me holding him accountable for continually lying to me and being needlessly secretive/projecting, he turned it on me.
Wow... Right down to The marrow of the bone...
I've seen a lot of these videos from different people. All of them have been educational and seem to resonate. But for some reason your videos are so much a reflection of what I'm going through it's almost as if you have cameras watching my life.
It just confirms just how much of a prevalent situation this is in life in general.
I've always had the thought process that the problems we deal with within ourselves as well as in relationships really aren't that nuanced. They're definitely simple problems that we add a level of complexity to due to ignorance of ourselves.
Thank you so much for your videos. Please continue to do what you're doing. We all appreciate you.
Just had my first relationship with a woman (I'm a lesbian) and it was wonderful but my anxious tendencies made her panic and run 😢 I discovered attachment types in the breakup. I've been looking for a book on how to effectively love an avoidant dismissive person and there are only 2 books out there apparently and neither give actual advice. This is the most helpful video I've seen and I've watched a LOT about these attachment types. Thank you. I really hope my ex-girlfriend comes back eventually after having some space. She's the love of my life. Would be so useful for us to watch this together and work on these strategies.
I suggest the book "Your Brain on Love" by Stan Tatkin. It gives practical advice on the things you can do to make your partner better and what you can do that will make them worse based on attachment style
I'm touched to hear that the video resonated with you during such a pivotal time. Anxious and avoidant dynamics can be challenging, especially in a first relationship. While books can offer insights, real growth often comes from lived experiences and active work on self-awareness. I genuinely hope you and your ex find a path that brings you both happiness, whether together or separately. Meanwhile, use this time to focus on understanding your own attachment needs and how you can meet them in healthy ways. There's always room for growth and second chances. 🌈💕
omgoodness!! being human is exhausting!! Dysfunction is Everywhere!! :/
This has been the best video on this topic I have seen yet. Thank you so very much
This is the best video I've seen on this topic to date. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom. I will continue to work on myself so that I can be secure and gravitate towards someone who is secure as well.
I think both me and my boyfriend are spice of lifers! Im more avoidant but still have anxious attachment thoughts and tendencies. He is more anxious but still has avoidant thoughts and actions. As a result I believe we constantly bounce around and never come to any solutions. If we do, somehow, we are both emotionally exhausted and have to settle on anything for us both to feel at peace with each other. We both really want to be together, I have a harder time connecting with him when he seems so sure about me. We both have intense pasts, and or cultural upbringings that have impacted us and has caused so much insecurity. Thank you for clarifying that there is an existing mix of attachment styles, referred to as spice of lifers. Now using your tips and triggers I can introduce some ideas to my boyfriend and we can start to understand why we feel things and what triggers us.
I am Anxious he's avoidant I honestly thought he was or is a narcissists
I used to think she was a covert narcissist. Maybe, maybe not. But this video really makes more sense. I sure hope it's her attachment style and not narcisissm.
This is the best, most thorough video I've seen on the AA trap. The sad thing is, the person she describes at the end is me. Thank goodness for therapy! It's a long road though.
My rolling stone and I lived together for nine years before she left. I wish I had seen this video at the start of our relationship because it's obvious to me that our communications styles doomed us to failure. This year we have spent some time together a week at a time and of course it's been great (a week at a time). Although we've been getting along great we now live in different parts of the country and have agreed to let each other move on...In a weird coincidence just last night I wrote and then sent her a lengthy email acknowledging everything I thought was great about her, from mundane things to bedroom activities. I also used very specific examples tied to actual events. Just as Brianna said (be specific) it really got to her. Usually she's distrustful of compliments as she assumes they are manipulations, but her reaction to this very specific email was just great and it was obvious that it really meant something to her. At which point I cried and she turned away in disgust (just kidding, but I was really moved to see her moved).
You should write professionally, if you don't already. Good luck with your relationship, too!