It has been 1 3/4 years and i felt he would never do what I wished for most: take me in his arms and tell me he loved me. Well, last night he did exactly that!
Congrats! I enjoyed this experience two nights ago for the first time in about a year, and it was heaven on Earth, the exact high Brianna spoke of. I checked the hopes for more and took in the moment, not wanting to scare her away. Cheers to more success!
Yes - I was in the A-A trap for a few months before seeing your videos (and accessing more resources) and finally understood what was going on. Our -A-DA relationship is a classic one. The first four months were incredible but the moment I became dead serious about wanting him as my boyfriend, he started pulling away until becoming a fully DA person which he told me he's always been in past relathionships. Not understanding what I did wrong, I began to chase him and invested a lot in the relathionship which of course resulted in him even distancing himself from me even more and telling me that I will eventually leave him because he can't meet my needs. Only during the last few weeks that I finally realized that he is a DA I managed to escape the trap. Now I know how to manage our relationship and I also know that he loves me a great deal (we just came back from spending a week abroad). We talk every day (a lot!) but I don't see him nearly as often as I would like (2-3 times every other week). It's not easy for me, but at least now I know what's going on and I no longer get triggered when he doesn't make an effort to set up a time for us to meet.
I finally (after 16 months) realized he would never give me any form of emotional intimacy no matter how calm and patient I was. So I broke up with him even though I love him, because it’s not healthy and it is hurtful. He was not able to express his own feelings.
Being involved with a DA helped me to work through the anxious side of me. He ended our relationship eventually but I learned to communicate, be patient, ask for my needs and offer to find compromises and ask what he needed. So while it hurt that it ended, I am a much better version of myself now.
Yes it’s true. It really is helpful because you can’t work on this stuff alone and a DA type forces you to face your stuff and self soothe. I’m going through this now and think the same but ours is getting better. He’s somewhat trying and I notice now that I have detached in a healthier way as far as focusing on myself he seems to be closer to me. I think it is an energy dynamic at play
The kindest thing you can do for avoidants is . . . Avoid them. Leave them alone. Let them find unconditional love from their mothers and their dogs, until they are willing to do the work to change their behaviors to learn to connect and not be selfish in relationships. If you cannot adjust yourself to be a good partner-you are not ready for a relationship.
I did! It was truelly a exhausting experience that took 4,5 years. I was anxious, she was avoidant. We both suffered during that relationship, we behaved quite toxically. At the same time I learned from it (with professional help). Right now I am with a savely attached person, which makes things easier. In the beginning it felt alien, boring. I missed the rollercoaster ride, passion, relief/highs after the lows etc..The secret for me is feeling my emotions, identifying my needs and communicating them in a respectful way, feeling better about myself and basically taking responsibility for my own happiness.
A relationship with a similarly attached person seems like an ideal to someone who has been in anxious avoidant relationships. It's interesting to hear that there can be emotions that seem confusing when making that transition.
Phenomenal work !!! So happy for you! Sounds like your in a great space . Curious you said you where an anxious Type . In what way did you begin to feel your emotions ?
Very interesting to read. I think that was very much my FA's viewpoint. I'm securely attached and ofc got confused in the relationship with them. I couldn't understand why the need for "passion" when to me what they wanted was "toxic" highs. I didn't give in cos I value stability and I just saw it as unnecessary drama. I am sure they found me boring too. I get it. Glad I didn't run after them anymore when they left for the 5th time. Love and compassion is there, but I can't for the life of me entertain roller coaster rides.
I'm going through the heartbreak of yet another one right now. He was the more avoidant one and I am the more anxious one. I feel like a junkie in rehab.
I was in this trap. I’m anxious, he’s avoidant. Thanks to videos like this one, I was able to get in touch with unconscious childhood issues (meditation helped, plus psychotherapy.). Every time his words triggered my fears of abandonment, I learned to ask myself why I was feeling so hurt. In a meditation, I talked to my father, whom I never knew until after I became an adult. So much happier now!
I love the examples, what to look for, how to treat them & yourself & it is normal to struggle until you learn the whys & hows of your attachment style, to have more truths around our boundaries. Then, we can choose a more secure path. I have secure areas & an anxious preoccupied side with my DA. I have struggled but also am learning to soothe myself & not expect them to do all & be all. The secure takes over and helps me to understand, appreciate, respect, & truly understand myself & my DA as I grow in my own security. I do understand one thing the most, whenever I get anxious & want to react instead of respond...it is this... accepting someone & ourselves just as we are. Can we love in spite of it all. I know he has been through a living hell & has had more pain & hurt than most from his childhood. If he can't meet me somewhere in the middle, I know I will be alright & it is his pain that prevents his true happiness, not me. He has to make the choice for himself to understand his whys... It is my choice, inevitably, to stay or go...
Patient, its plays into the avoidant. Just pointless, you tell the avoidant how you feel, they just feel more threatened in their perfectionist belief that masks their vulnerability. It's pointless, pointless, pointless.... 30 years I am telling you if you are able to before you become overcommitted, with a house and kids leave leave leave.
I hear you. I've been "chasing" my DA partner for over 10yrs. Trying to PROVE IM GOOD enough for HIS love. It's delusional to think they will ever change. You can't get time back....
Agree, I wish I had know this, my wife was AMAZING for 7 years before she got post partum depression with our third child and with this came the avoidant behavior. "In sickness and in health, till death do we part". I have stayed for 18 more miserable years and I now see the DAMAGE it did to my kids. They gleefully attacked me when I got home from work and I LOVED raising them from 4 pm to 10 pm while my wife just hid and all day on weekends. But they had an avoidant mother from the time they woke up to 4 pm and they ALL learned to be avoidant from her and ALL of them are now un-functioning adults, unable to handle conflict, all have lost there jobs and I am nearly 50, trying to retrain my adult kids that conflict is OK and avoiding is not going to result in them being happy.
Those “reasonable expectations” sound like pie in the sky! I have stated what I would like that are much lower than these. I am ignored, sometimes. So I stopped hoping for anything at all. I will get my emotional needs met elsewhere. He may or may not be willing to work on some of these.
being an Anxious in a relationship with an FA is one of the worst feelings in the world. That dread of knowing someone that meant everything to you wouldn't care if you died overnight. Its even worst when they used to genuinely love you at the same level you did. Wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy
Its one thing to find out someone is a narcisist because you know your off without. But what you said about knowing how they really did love you once and now act like you are a stranger is extremely painful. All that while trying to give them the space to find their selflove.
All that is real is the love we share. We're all one. Defense mechanisms come from ego. Ego is a construction. It's a veil. An illusion. We're all love at the core. We're here to play and learn, in this comedy show called life. They love you. They are you. Love yourself without conditions, look past the appearing flows and you will recognise it xx
If you're stuck in a marriage with someone and have this dynamic going on, learning how to fix it is a great resource. But if you're not and you can just get out without losing much, I feel that is by far the healthiest option. At least for myself, I'd much rather focus on my own security and partner with other secure people than have to put this kind of work into a relationship again.
Superficially the easy solution is simply to leave. In my case to pack my bags and head for the airport. But… hold on …. this is a recurring pattern and if she is prepared work with me then, perhaps, together we can slowly help each other heap. Yes I know, relationships are not therapy but perhaps this can be therapeutic. And yes, I know as the anxious part of the pairing that I lurch between despair and hope. And for sure I do not wish to remain trapped in this endless search for love from only from those that struggle to love themselves or anyone else.
Reasonably needs are too much for DA's. Doesn't matter how they're communicated. Learned this the hard way myself. They don't put effort into a relationship.
Ya I've experienced it. DA was super hot at the beginning, opened up, but then as soon as they felt more connection, attachment, and dependency from my AP needs, they pull away, go cold, and find a reason to leave.
I am on round 5 with an fa/da. I am not completely ap. I never had expectations but the first 4-6 months were amazing and everything seemed amazing. Then he started pulling back. Said he wasn't ready for a relationship. Left. Came back a month later saying he made a mistake and wanted to fix things. Great. On again. Then did it again. And again. There was no rhyme or reason to even what set him off. Except this last time he said he needed space. I pushed it that time. After 3 or 4 goes of being blocked (now blocked again), I lost it. I fell in love with him and maybe he isn't even an fa, maybe he's just a jerk. But he was never out right mean. When he is wonderful he is absolutely amazing. When he isnt...he's cold. Acts like I didn't exist. I'm kinda pissed because I just dont want to feel this pain. Especially when this was my reintroduction to dating after a divorce.
My ex gf was not "avoidant" on the surface - she was loving, ardent, verbally affirming. But after the first 4 AMAZING months, she suddenly became unavailable, and I spent 4 years trying to get her to prioritize spending time with me. we live an hour away from each other and each care for our demented mothers, so I kept my request reasonable and asked for Friday night to Sunday mornings together. I asked for 4 years and I rarely go that, even though I KNOW she loves me. I've been in twice-weeekly therapy for 9 months now, she's been in weekly therapy for a month,. She's a drug addict who is clean but not working a program. Now I'm in withdrawal in SLAA, and have a 90-day no contact with her. But I hope that she'll do the work on her self-esteem that I'm doing and we can be together again someday.
Yes..some good advice..but "let me know what day and time you will be contacting me again"..is "pressure" on an avoidant..been there..done that..learnt!!
I left this kind of relationship lastnight. Even after a lovely afternoon convo where i decided to give her space with her fam after a 5 minute talk, where we planned to talk when she got home later in the night, i ended up watching homegirl give other people attention in a livestream, and when she saw my greeting, she responded awkwardly and then ended her livestream saying to everyone as a group that she's going to sleep. After that I waited for an hour or more, but she didn't call. I messaged and called her. She didn't respond until in the next evening, where it was a very brief 2 comments, and she pretended that she didn't ignore me. She later made 2 or 3 more comments, then stopped talking altogether. I told her if I didn't see her making any reasonable effort to address the matter with more dignity and empathy (or any respinse at all, since she would frequently just ignore things i say to her about the vibes she create or destroy) lastnight, that i would have no choicebut to see it for what it always appears to be. Like expected, she read the comments and just stopped responding altogether. I really don't know how to see this as anything but dark, toxic and tragic.
Experienced the same thing verbatim. It does feel cruel doesn’t it? And malicious. The truth is: they are probably just that incompetent and incapable. Although I do believe that it’s really just a lack of care. It really doesn’t take much to respond to someone, presuming they actually love and value you and care about having you in their life. When they don’t, our only conclusion to deduce is that they simply do not care or value the connection we share enough to honor and put in even the absolute bare minimum level of respect and reciprocation. Not to mention actually fulfilling our ACTUAl emotional needs. This is literally just the basics. And common courtesy.
I was in this trap for 5/6 years. I didn’t realize that it was unhealthy because I didn’t have any reference point. I thought that going through tough times was a sign of a healthy, growing relationship, but that’s wrong. We were underwater with one oxygen tank.
I think I stayed in the relationship because she was the closest thing I felt to home, and it took me until last month to realize that I have been searching for a home outside of myself. I’m working with someone now to become a securely attached adult. These videos have definitely helped towards that end.
I was in it for 30! And my kids saying here goes dad again, not realising I was being triggered, I didn't even know, now I know get the fuck out of dodge if if I have to live in a hut.
I'm in it. I've been in it. I thought I got out but the feelings are creeping back. He's in my subconscious so even when there are days I'm not thinking about him, He's in my dreams, so I end up thinking about him the entire next few days. I know he's going through the ringer with his own stuff. At this point, I understand what's going on, and I'm happy giving him space... I just wish I could stop thinking about him.
I am not even an anxious type, i am the secured type but i struggle to figure out if there's a point of being involved with an attachment avoidant guy who seems manipulative and selfish even though this may not be his true self after i learnt about all these types.
Yes just broke up from 2years of this. She would flirt with others and sometimes not even talk to me all night at a party. It's good to understand it from this angle. Explained why I would sour the communication, my needs weren't being met.
in it and trying my best to let it go. both of us have disorganized attachment so it feels like two helicopters fighting on a rollercoaster. it’s hard because we don’t want to hurt each other we just aren’t on the same page and keep getting triggered. ☹️ all you said was really reassuring though. thank you. 💚
Almost 2 years of back and forth. Final straw after his ghosting , wanting to make things right. Inviting me to come to the beach, wanting to be there for my fatherless son … then ghosting when things get real… After telling him exactly my desires clearly and another ghosting pattern I’m no longer looking for connection from someone that is not open to love, respectful of my feelings or caring of the effects his behavior on others .
I'm currently in the process of ending this right now (5 years, 2.5 years dating, 2.5 years engaged). There was always bits and pieces of it the entire time but things really amped up after we moved in together. Some of the things here are described almost exactly what I've been going through. I'm definitely the anxious, although I do say I was much worse and self-sabotaging in the past with past relationships. I do always try to view the relationship from a third person perspective, and like to think I accept when I'm wrong (there's plenty of times). After watching what you framed as reasonable, I feel better that I did in fact give the relationship and a decent chance before ending it. She's supposed to move out at the end of the month but I have a feeling she's going to stick around and probably suck me into the death cycle again.
Thanks so much for this video. I am the avoidant one in my relationship, he is the anxious attachment, along with severe cptsd. The only thing we ever fight about is him not feeling loved by me emotionally. Because I am an avoidant, I find it very difficult to talk about emotions, mine or his. He is left feeling unloved and uncared for because I am more non verbal than verbal when it comes to love and showing it. He literally needs to hear the words and I am exhausted trying to meet that need. I fail miserably, feel awkward and genuinely feel like my brain is scrambled not knowing what to say. Then when he tells me something I can say in that moment, I feel like it's not even authentic then because I would just be copying him. I'm so stuck. I love him so much but am afraid I am unable to love him in the way he needs it. So this leads to endless fights and me stonewalling because I'm froze being triggered😢 And this all tells him, I in fact don't care about his feelings or love him (although I truly do). I don't want to give up but enough is enough. I am left feeling very inadequate.
I love hearing your side of things from an avoidant perspective. It's really helpful. Thank you so much for sharing. The fact that you are sharing this shows you have a great deal of self awareness and you are healing. ❤❤
My partner is v avoidant and has started the journey of looking into his behaviours but it still feels pretty bumpy. He is in therapy and reading about attachment. I can tell that he is having a HARD TIME working through this pain and I want to be there for him but I am trying to also look after myself in the process (I’d say I’m disorganised with more anxious tendencies but have become A LOT more secure lately). I know that in the end it’s a personal choice how much I am willing to tolerate but it’s hard to figure that out while being with someone I really love who IS doing the work but still displaying a lot of these behaviours that push me away (and are sometimes very hurtful!) I’ve been working on reacting less in the moment and bringing things up compassionately at a different time when we are calmer but it’s been difficult. A lot of these videos/Instagram post suggest that by standing by someone who’s hurting you you are just abandoning yourself and while I understand that I also feel pretty shamed by it as I do see genuine hope for our relationship (but maybe I’m just delusional). I don’t want to neglect myself for someone else but I also want to be with this person who I genuinely love and who has a lot of great qualities.
Leave, you deluded, and you will continue to be deluded. Find yourself a secure partner and enjoy your life or abandon yourself as you were as a child so that you can play out the painful yet reassuring implicit rejection of the avoidant. Leave, your clothes, your house, take your money and start again, and never at least for 5 years be in contact. hard decision easy life, easy decision hard life, its easy to stay hard to leave.
As great as these tips are in theory, it seems to me like you only need one tip to get out of the anxious-avoidant trap: End the relationship. It's not worth it, and no person, however great they may be in theory, is worth that kind of work. DAs don't change.
Leaving relationships is sometimes the absolutely best course of action. But if that is the only answer, then we miss the opportunity to heal our own dysfunctional patterns. I look at relationships as a fertile training ground for our soul's journey to wholeness.
Thanks so much for putting blurry feelings into well structured words that really help make sense of the endless spiral of the anxious avoidant dance. This is very helpful and provides priceless clarity on the matter 🙏❤️
Thank you so much for this video! I was in the anxious avoidant trap, though my situation is a little different. I was not in a love realtionship with him, but in a close friendship. (Or close is what I felt and what I wanted it to be). Too little people talk about friendship breakups, but there're clearly parallels to love break ups, also with attachment involved. I'm mostly secure, but my FA friend brought out the small anxious parts I still have in me out. When we started our friendship he was eager to get to know me, eager to hear about my hobbies, communicate daily with me, trying to open up - though he always was upfront that this is super difficult for him. I like to be involved in my friends lifes and also like to help emptionally. It's a natural instinct and I'm wuite good at it. He also said that he feels save and secure with me and wants to open up more. We got into the trap when he promised to do something (e.g. tell me about a date the next day unprompted, planning a friends film night for us etc.) but didn't. I do struggle when someone breaks promises, it's a trigger for me. Plus, not knowing about attachment styles, I thought him distancing at times meaning falling into a depression hole or that I need to show him more that he's save in our friendship. I was trying to be supportive and in hindsight, his avoidant sooul might have read that as smothering. He never clearly communicated his needs, I did constantly without blaming him. When things were good between us, I felt very rewarded and so good! One single moment of opening up and I was sure we'll have a bright future. Unfortunately, everytime he opened up, he deactivated afterwards. I was confused and that put me in distress... rinse and repeat. The sad climax is reached now, were he specfically told me, he doesn't want to blow off the friendship (never thought he wanted that, I was just worried for him, because he went super silent after the breakup with his GF) and makes a concious effort to check in a little bit more often.... He didn't hold up to his words, ignored me for three weeks, until on christmas I specifically asked him if he was ghosting me. A short but lovely reply that he would text me back propperly after the weekend. To this day (mid februrary for those who read this comment later) he never replied to my messages again. A lot of messages, since I didn't know chasing him would make it worse. Plus, you expect ghosting in the fresh start of dating releationships, not in 8 month of close friendship where you've already been there for each other through A LOT (we bot hat a rough 2022). Your video now helped me in two way: 1. I know I did absolutely everything you suggested to get out of the trap instinctively, even if I didn't know anything by then. The only thing I didn't was asking him for how long he needs space and always suggested that 10 days would be enough... He always said he would communicate if he needs more space. He never did. 2. I can understand now, that the physically feeled heartbreak is indeed real and the anxious-avoidants ups and downs are like a drug. Now, it wasn't my decision to end this friendship and if we're quite honest with not saying anything but ghosting me he didn't officially end it either and he knows pretty well I was holding up hope. I even asked him to block me if he headed out of the friendship in the beginning of the ghosting and he didn't, so not even THAT "reply" and certainy he gave me. But with the situation, my "relapse" is texting him again. I'll try my best to stay sober now. Sorry for that way too long comment :D I guess the CZcams Algorhythim appreciates it and in all honesty, sharing my expierience with others somewhat helps.
Thank you for posting this inquiry. I understand it can be a painful and confusing experience. What you describe it sounds like it may be an “anxious avoidant trap” situation. These videos might offer some insight. When to Leave A Toxic Relationship, According to Your Chakras czcams.com/video/604gZk4iIFQ/video.html The Anxious-Avoidant Trap or Divine Timing? How Can You Tell? czcams.com/video/kEYJqOb0JJw/video.html Avoidant and Anxious Relationship Struggles: How to Spot the Trap czcams.com/video/C9Mr3R_Ykbg/video.html [1 of 5] The Anxious Avoidant Trap: A Case of Like Sees Like czcams.com/video/yMOpdJM3Ot4/video.html [2 of 5] 6 Signs of the Anxious-Avoidant Trap czcams.com/video/Kw0YMwKb6xo/video.html Am I Anxious, or Are They My SoulMate? czcams.com/video/vNoxPtQdAIM/video.html
I was in the anxious avoidant trap in a friendship, and it ended on bad terms. I was the anxious one and didn't understand anything about avoidance at the time, I got confrontational, it all came to a head and our friendship fell apart. I'm still furious at them, but now I'm learning more about avoidance and myself, I regret how it all went down. I wish I could talk to them and apologise for the timing of it all and escalating it so far, but they've blocked me. I can't even tell them I'm sorry. I want to try and do better in the future so it never goes that far. Thank you for all the tips
The problem with people with anxious attachment system is that we can get violent and verbally abusive.. Only to later regretted how bad we behave. No matter how avoiding and triggering someone is we must act accordingly with respect and patience and kindness. And lots empthy. Don't worry I understand u feel. I used to act out really badly before I healed. Now when I'm triggered by an avoidant or dismissive person, I sit with the pain. Extremely difficult we must.. Understand that they are sick and they are not deliberately trying to hurt you they just are not capable. Accept a must they are or leave them alone
I was able to finally voice to my partner after about 3 years and 4 breakups later that I believed he might be a Fearful Avoidant. I definitely lean AP (but only in relationships where the partner is avoidant). I was pleasantly surprised when he said wow I think all these things you're telling me are accurate. So I am now in the patient phase and I am not expecting too much I'm letting him take it from here on his own and building up my own life as a single person, and we visit when time allows. This has brought some peace to our relationship. There's no longer anything to deactivate against because there's no expectations.
Share your needs all you want it makes no difference. All it will be is a waste of time. Don't bother. Communicate till your blue in the tell them proper feeling words all you want hope u feel better. Still eint matter. It is real hopeless! HOPELESSSS
Some people like you less the more you talk. . .silence is usually best. Only speak up when absolutely necessary once you realize you're dealing with someone like this if you choose to continue on. Edit: she talks more about this in examples. (And suggests that this is info the other person is not as ready as you are. "Not ready to meet you where you're at.") Amazing video. ❤
Yes this was a good explanation- because mine was back and forth. I become the anxious one when we breakup. Then when we get back together I can become avoidant at times now I am avoidant again after everything - but yet still anxious. I am avoidant with my feelings and fears in the relationship - I find him to be anxious too especially when we breakup he comes back and attaches again. Exhausting
This was so helpful. Seeing all those patterns laid out in front of me like that helped solidify in my mind to end the relationship once and for all. I may feel different tomorrow or in a few days, but I know I made the right decision and I know I took the right steps tonight. I will always Love her and I will always wish the best for her. That's a good gift to be left and to give. She is still the good person I know her to be and I know that she will always Love me.
It is astounding how many people seem to think that these people should just.....not be allowed to have relationships? It might be that we need to find a different dynamic, or someone willing to work with us, but jfc is it horrific to read scores of comments more or less saying I should crawl in a hole and be alone.
It's like saying that having an emotional wound is indelible. But emotional wounds can be resolved and people can learn better ways of communicating and conducting relationships. A good relationship can be a healing process for both parties if they are honest and willing to put in the work. I hope you find a way of healing and someone who can love you for who you are.
You have to remember a lot of people triggered by avoidant people are probably anxious attached, or have that part of themselves triggered. So of course they are going to direct blame outward.
Thank you Briana! I manage to keep my behaviors in check, but internally I experience the anxious/avoidant trauma of my early childhood. It's hard healing past that, particularly when my partner also has attachment wounds from his childhood. We are in IFS therapy and making very good use of it. But the road is long when you have suffered extreme forms of abuse as a child. I enjoy your videos very much. Your spiritually grounded approach that doesn't shame or blame is the antidote this polarized and fear based world needs.
@@jmcalorum1718 I am. In the past seven months, I have experience enormous relief thanks mostly to the IFS therapy my partner and I are in. As I feel more integrated and connected to myself, I don't have those same fight/flight/freeze reactions as often or as powerfully. I am finding more and more capacity to stay grounded and connected to myself. Thanks for asking!
Add in ADHD and Asperger’s to the avoidant partner along with a disdain of therapy. Not much hope for anything but a fun and unique friendship which might have to be enough.
Yes, you described my son perfectly and he has a female best friend who is at our house all the time. They have agreed to stay only friends, at times they are frustrated it can't be more, but rather keep a great friendship instead of risking moving to the next level and losing each other. Sometimes a great friendship is better than a potential romantic relationship.
I am there now with my ad has broke up with me. Not returning my messages, but reading them. We were about to close our house. Now he has ghosted me. I am willing to work on me. But he will not respond, it's been 3 weeks. I am about to go into no contact
I have displayed most of these behaviours on both the anxious and avoidant side. Same with my partner, we’ve split up a few times but we have a 4 year old so I want it to work out.
I think in my case we are both fearful avoidant, but we barely know each other so this is all speculation. She might just not care. Never thought I was FA because I’ve usually only dated women that I had little interest in which makes it easy. I immediately get skittish when I’m dealing with a woman I actually like which messes things up
Thank you for commenting and sharing your experience. It sounds like you’re having some increasing insights. You might find this video helpful.. Disorganized Attachment in Dating: Traits, Love & Intimacy czcams.com/video/uSrc4BFYLqE/video.html
Briana you mentioned in the videos that an “avoidant will project onto an anxious all of the needy parts they rejected in themselves and get repulsed by it “ Can you give an example of a needy part an avoidant doesn’t like which makes them repulse an anxious ??
I’m not sure how Briana would answer this, but I’m fearful-avoidant/disorganised. I am highly triggered by neediness, whether it be in a romantic partner or a friend just expressing how they feel about their partner. I can be needy too, and I hate it. I’ll hold back so it isn’t expressed much and wait for it to go away, although I’ll have a semi-controlled/weird outburst sometimes. What repulses me about it is the person’s need of or dependence on me to make themselves feel better. I even get to a point where I get angry thinking they are even thinking about me. I get like this with family too. The thought of them thinking of me too much when I’m withdrawing, feels very invasive. I feel like telling them I don’t give them permission to think about me haha. But I do understand it, because I can be this way myself! Maybe I’m repulsed by own suppressed neediness. Not sure. Either way, I will suddenly switch and will lose attraction instantly. I also think it may be experienced differently depending on whether it’s a man or woman in the roles. With there perhaps being a bit more leeway for women to be anxiously attached. Just a thought, based on evolution.
@@AQ31276 thanks so much for sharing !! This is very insightful and helpful . It’s hard to know if someone gets repulsed bu neediness i guess they’d have to express that concern . Also hard if someone is trying to love on them by thinking about them. That would be expected in relationship . Curious do you let them know when they are coming off too needy in your eyes ? I think communication would be helpful in that case . I’m thinking oh my I am just tying to express love and care and it could be taken differently based on attachment style ! Very interesting ! Again thanks for clarify ! Very helpful !!
@@triplethreat9168 my experience of not wanting them to think about me is more with family. I don’t communicate this, although I should certainly communicate my need for space in a more healthy way. I tend to ignore people instead. I do this so that it doesn’t create awkwardness or perpetuate further contact at that time. I will tend to say “I’m just really busy right now”. I take the easy way out. If I was in a romantic relationship and it had made it past the first few instances of me feeling engulfed/invaded upon, and they had given me space during this, then I could handle them thinking about me and be more reasonable in my thoughts and feelings. I can also be terribly anxious/needy if I’m with a DA, but I suppress it out of fear of vulnerability and humiliation. I would be so confused and hurt if a person told me I wasn’t allowed to even think of them while I was in a vulnerable state of unmet need. It would actually make me feel so angry at them for being that cruel. I feel like a contradiction.
@@triplethreat9168 If a person said exactly what you said, “I am just trying to love and care, I didn’t didn’t realise how it was being experienced by you”, it would alleviate my need to pull away a lot. So long as it was coming from a place of understanding and a feeling they were pulling back a bit, rather than an expectation that I should therefore spend more time with them. The phrasing you used is much more helpful than someone saying “but I need you” or something similar. I think the balance can only be found via good communication, which I’ve not been good at.
@@AQ31276 Awhh I could only imagine the conflicting thoughts you have . I’m sure it’s not easy ? Have you ever asked why you don’t want to be thought of or even thought what it could be like if you are thought of ? Is it possible it could feel good and not bad ? I couldn’t imagine I really Feel for you! Again very insightful . I tend to Give my guy space when he withdraws some , He will say I’ve just been really busy . Is pretty good at Coming up with excuses . I have learned to expect them. I have learned his dance and just allow . He always tells me he appreciates me which is a great thing. Comforts me . In the mean time I continue to learn how best to navigate his world so he can find safety in building a world together with me !!
Thank you so much. Hearing all of this now makes so much more sense as to how I have been moving through my relationships. I love the tools and tips - really spoke to me, and it seems as though I am on the right path now with someone new but still experiencing similar reactive states… it’s always nice to hear that there is a reason behind the way that I and others show up in relationship. I loved the clear suggestions for open and honest communication. Thank you. ❤
I have been in a situationship with my next door neighbor for about 6 months now. After talking to her last night it was the last straw that broke the camels back. She was blaming and very arguementive. I am a Sigma male (Secure) and she (I discovered) is an FA. I have no patience for all of the head games or the roller coaster rides that she always tried to put me on. Right now, I've decided to go my own way and am going no contact with her which will be a challenge since she lives right next door. Hopefully, I can make her fearful not to knock on my door. Soon, I have plans of moving away which should nip it in the bud forever. She is not worthy on getting any further attention from me. She is just too much work : )
Few things. 1) Secure people don’t try to cause fear in another person, no matter the reason. 2) big red flag on a man who refers to people as males and females. It’s very pick up artist lingo which infers cult like ideology and lack of emotional intelligence. 3) big red flag when someone refers to themselves as sigma. Again, pick up artist lingo. Basically pick up artists are misogynistic, and most women obviously don’t want to date misogynistic men.
Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like you've done some soul-searching and have decided what boundaries are important for you in a relationship. I hear that you're eager to move on, but it might be good to reflect on the dynamic to understand what went awry. Sometimes it's not just one person who creates the turmoil in a relationship, but rather a combination of both parties' behaviors and emotional patterns. It's also crucial to remember that causing fear or discomfort in another person is not an ideal way to handle these complex emotional situations, even if you're feeling hurt or frustrated yourself. As you look forward to new beginnings, try to consider a more compassionate way of setting boundaries. Going no-contact can be tough, especially when she's your next-door neighbor. If moving is in your future plans, that might offer the clean break you're looking for.
Thanks Brianna Just started dating again and already he thinks I’m moving too fast i actually think if I move any slower i will STOP! I waited years meet someone I really liked but he always expresses how much he’s not ready but at the same time he won’t let go of me continuously calling and messaging even when I try to walk away By the way he’s 55 yes old and I’m 49 so we are not young Please reply so I know you read the comments Love fr Fiona
fiona, you are responsible for you. not him. words and actions must match. the fact that you say... but he keeps calling means you are abandoning yourself instead of giving him the heave ho, even though you know it is not going anywhere. you should always believe the worst of what a person puts out there, not the best (and in fact, texts etc are hardly the best). i guess you have not really walked away. bob, thank you for getting to know me better. I am looking for the real deal which is someone relationship ready in words and deeds. I wish you the best. done. if he contacts you, block him, ignore him, or say... please stop contacting me, it is not good for either of us. you are not the victim, you at this point are choosing him and being young or not is actually irrelevant. relationship ready has no upper or lower age limit
Hi my name is Léandre (Lee) short form I’ve been apart from my wife till now. I’ve seen her here and there thruout the summer till now and I tried to talk to her all summer with no results and every time I leave she tells me hurtful comments and I end up hurting deep inside and shed tears. I wanted to get back together I’m seeing a counselor. Want to see a marriage counselor with her to get her input to better understand and communicate in a better way. But wants no part of it I’m the one with the problem she tells me and keeps bringing past issues when I thought those issues had been dealt with. Now she tells me she doesn’t want to be married anymore I’m devestated having trouble moving on because I don’t know where all this came from I’ve forgiven her I love and miss her but I have to let her go even if I don’t want too. I have to respect her wishes. Thank you
Great video - Its almost as if you have been watching our relationship through some sort of crystal ball. The hardest part is that my partner who is a DA, cannot take criticism well and takes it personally when I say we are two sides of the same coin. She thinks her avoidance is a badge of honor and independance and can't see the avoidance is just as much of an escape as me being "needy". She see's herself as being strong and me being weak but she is a classic avoider. How do you tell someone who blows up in the face of criticism that they cant take criticism? LOL... Seems like a double negative - Its a major blindspot for her but my part of it has become painfully obvious and somewhat embarrasing...This is a major AHA in my life and I'm determined to change. She wants me to change but I'm not sure she'll be happy with the result....I dont know how to approach without her taking it personally and "avoiding" the issue. Even if she watched this video, she would still think 90% is me and 10% was her... Any suggestions?
I appreciate your kind words about the video, and I'm glad it resonated with you. It's not uncommon for one person in a relationship to have difficulty accepting their own attachment style or acknowledging their role in the dynamics. Approaching this conversation with your partner can indeed be challenging, especially if she tends to take criticism personally. It might be helpful to frame the conversation in a way that focuses on your own growth and the desire to improve the relationship rather than directly critiquing her behavior. Here's a suggestion for starting the conversation: 1. **Choose the Right Time:** Find a calm and private moment when both of you are relaxed and not in the midst of a conflict. 2. **Express Your Feelings:** Begin by sharing your feelings and experiences rather than making accusations. Say something like, "I've been doing some self-reflection and realized that there are things I want to work on in our relationship." 3. **Share Your Goals:** Explain your desire for personal growth and mention that you believe it would benefit both of you. Emphasize that this isn't about assigning blame but about creating a healthier dynamic. 4. **Be Open to Listening:** Encourage her to share her perspective and feelings as well. Make it clear that you value her thoughts and are open to understanding her viewpoint. 5. **Seek Professional Help:** If you both find it difficult to have productive conversations about this topic on your own, consider seeking the guidance of a couples' therapist. A trained therapist can facilitate discussions and help both of you navigate these issues more effectively. Remember, change takes time, and it's essential to be patient with yourselves and each other during this process. The goal is to work together to create a more balanced and fulfilling relationship where both partners feel understood and valued. You might also enjoy this playlist on my channel for communication: czcams.com/play/PLrMVDDz2c7DPNOMfwMvup2Ayo7AXSkAG2.html
I have been rejected by a girl and yet I got to know that she is an avoidant, she still seems very open and comfortable with me, should I wait for her to make a move or should I move on, please help it's becoming very toxic for my mental health
Easy answer…move on…can’t live someone that hasn’t taken the time to love themselves by getting to know themselves through therapy…they have to do lots of inner work to be ready for a successful long term relationship. Choose yourself! If you think you need to ask a question to continuing a toxic unhealthy relationship then you also have work to do to be whole and healthy…You aren’t ready either. Do some shadow work to figure out why you feel you aren’t worthy of a healthy stable union. ❤
Clear communication... yup, that is a problem. My wife constantly says, "I meant to tell you...". I remind her that we have cell phones and that she can always drop me a text. "Hey, can we talk about XYZ tonight." But no, she doesn't, then when her problem explodes after days, weeks, months of avoiding it and causing problems for the entire family, she goes, "Oops" or worse yet, she gets ANGRY at everyone for the problem SHE created. She has a counselor, a psychiatrist, is medicated, we have done and are doing marriage counseling. "In sickness and in health, till death do we part", is a huge conflict for me. I have watched so many of your videos and a common theme is both participating. Since my religious beliefs don't allow divorce, sometimes I feel so guilty that when my wife is avoiding and is gone, I wish she would get in a car accident and die. Then I could finally be free of her and meet my religious requirements still be met. I just wish she would try and we could be happy together, but that doesn't appear possible.
Hi, just read your comment and was like „oh f...🤭”...Im very religious too, but there are certain cases (at least im a catholic church), where you can get divorced „legally”, so to speak. I advise you also get some counseling, but also from a sensitive and wise clergyman (priest) that could help you see your situation in the light of church law. All the best to you - will keep you both in my prayers🙏
The worst thing is not knowing about it before the relationship ended. Even though she treated me badly maybe I could have changed it if I knew at that time 😞
It took eight months of self and then about three months working with her, but then it actually happened. She got comfortable enough to do exactly that, and with an escape option and rules set at the first meeting. I get this isn't for everyone. This is simply because we know we both still like each other, respect each other, mostly, and understand we've both misunderstood each other. And of course the kids; we're trying to model problem solving to them and continue the relationship and connection we used to have and enjoy. Good luck to you all!
@@thelordcommander5 I don’t know any guy who knows about this service or would even be willing to listen. 😂 I feel like my list gets longer and longer in my soulmate gets farther and further away.
I think I’m just waiting on the actually connection and intimacy to bring growth and trust it feels like a whole lot is missing so I can have a good time alone or without him but then I realize he puts little to no effort in and I should be concerned and worrying and decide if I should even stay ( I have a 1 year old with him so ) I also have no financial ability or leave yet so of course I’m trying to learn what the hell is actually going on before I snap bc I am confused if he’s narcissistic he does rage and ghost for days he drinks a lot and yet he is also avoidant
If you are financially dependent and can't leave, it is very difficult to assert yourself, set boundaries, stand your ground. The point is for all relationships: you should be able to leave if the other person does not work with you. At the end you can't influence somebody very much. The only influence you have is over yourself and of course you can have a good impact on both of you when you yourself are stable. He surely has some issues. Doesn't sound very stable or secure. You can bring up your points in a healthy way (always in a loving and respectful non-judging manner, speaking more from your feelings - like 'this and this makes me feel unsafe - and I would so much like to build a trustful world with you together.' And asking: 'what do you need from me in order to feel good in this relationship' as well as' here is what I need from you to feel good in this relationship'...). But, that requires commitment from both sides. Both have to feel safe to speak up for their needs. So, safety first. If he can't procure that, bring yourself in a safe space. Only from there a healthy communication is possible.
I plan on leaving my dismissive avoidant. They don't need to be overtly abusive for you to still feel neglected and emotionally abused. Your happiness matters, and I know that my happiness is greatly diminished trying to carry this relationship on my own. If you care about your partner, know that they are far more likely to improve once they realize it was their own actions (or inaction) that pushed you away. You cannot love someone into them making permanent changes to who they are.
I ignored him for weeks. He tried ro get closer...soon as i open up again. He shuts down. Omg. f off already. Im DONE. GET THE HELL OVER YOUR CHILDHOOD TRAUMA! YOURE 43 NOW , NOT 5-6-7 !!! TIME TO LIVE LIFE.
I came to research and I started listening until then I hear in this video there are 4 attachment style only to then hear her move to naming and describing only 3 styles right after naming those 4. How does that even work. She didn’t describe anxious also know as preoccupation!
My avoidant partner is not in friend list with me on Facebook. I blocked him in anger to wish a girl on her birthday.I becamed insecure & hurted after seeing this.Later after unblocking, he continued talking by SMS on messenger. Will it be HV to send him a friend request on Facebook or not?Can I sent request to Have friend on Facebook social media?
It sounds like something that you should sit down and have a long talk with him about. I would recommend establishing both of your expectations and boundaries for social media very directly and honestly.
@@brianamacwilliam.attachment yes i already send him request and he accepted in a few minutes.But he's emotionally distant and doesn’t want to express his emotions
@@ANU-pz5bx so you have to ask yourself if you wanna be with someone who’s emotionally distant and doesn’t want to express their feelings. Because he’s giving you a lot of really good information here without saying anything at all.
Have you experienced the anxious-avoidant trap? I'd love to hear about your experiences below!
Yes😢
It has been 1 3/4 years and i felt he would never do what I wished for most: take me in his arms and tell me he loved me. Well, last night he did exactly that!
Congrats!
I enjoyed this experience two nights ago for the first time in about a year, and it was heaven on Earth, the exact high Brianna spoke of.
I checked the hopes for more and took in the moment, not wanting to scare her away.
Cheers to more success!
@@anoncspan4129 Thank you for sharing! ❤️
Yes - I was in the A-A trap for a few months before seeing your videos (and accessing more resources) and finally understood what was going on.
Our -A-DA relationship is a classic one.
The first four months were incredible but the moment I became dead serious about wanting him as my boyfriend, he started pulling away until becoming a fully DA person which he told me he's always been in past relathionships.
Not understanding what I did wrong, I began to chase him and invested a lot in the relathionship which of course resulted in him even distancing himself from me even more and telling me that I will eventually leave him because he can't meet my needs.
Only during the last few weeks that I finally realized that he is a DA I managed to escape the trap.
Now I know how to manage our relationship and I also know that he loves me a great deal (we just came back from spending a week abroad). We talk every day (a lot!) but I don't see him nearly as often as I would like (2-3 times every other week).
It's not easy for me, but at least now I know what's going on and I no longer get triggered when he doesn't make an effort to set up a time for us to meet.
I finally (after 16 months) realized he would never give me any form of emotional intimacy no matter how calm and patient I was. So I broke up with him even though I love him, because it’s not healthy and it is hurtful. He was not able to express his own feelings.
Being involved with a DA helped me to work through the anxious side of me. He ended our relationship eventually but I learned to communicate, be patient, ask for my needs and offer to find compromises and ask what he needed. So while it hurt that it ended, I am a much better version of myself now.
Yes it’s true. It really is helpful because you can’t work on this stuff alone and a DA type forces you to face your stuff and self soothe. I’m going through this now and think the same but ours is getting better. He’s somewhat trying and I notice now that I have detached in a healthier way as far as focusing on myself he seems to be closer to me. I think it is an energy dynamic at play
Wow. U ask him what sid he needed and he is a DA. ..u were there
If he had a thing going on a d u asked...THATS SO HORRIBLR!!!
The kindest thing you can do for avoidants is . . . Avoid them. Leave them alone. Let them find unconditional love from their mothers and their dogs, until they are willing to do the work to change their behaviors to learn to connect and not be selfish in relationships.
If you cannot adjust yourself to be a good partner-you are not ready for a relationship.
Check your expectations = don’t have any 😂or expect that minimal to low effort from them is gonna be enough for you .
I did! It was truelly a exhausting experience that took 4,5 years. I was anxious, she was avoidant. We both suffered during that relationship, we behaved quite toxically. At the same time I learned from it (with professional help). Right now I am with a savely attached person, which makes things easier. In the beginning it felt alien, boring. I missed the rollercoaster ride, passion, relief/highs after the lows etc..The secret for me is feeling my emotions, identifying my needs and communicating them in a respectful way, feeling better about myself and basically taking responsibility for my own happiness.
A relationship with a similarly attached person seems like an ideal to someone who has been in anxious avoidant relationships. It's interesting to hear that there can be emotions that seem confusing when making that transition.
Phenomenal work !!! So happy for you! Sounds like your in a great space . Curious you said you where an anxious Type . In what way did you begin to feel your emotions ?
Very interesting to read. I think that was very much my FA's viewpoint. I'm securely attached and ofc got confused in the relationship with them. I couldn't understand why the need for "passion" when to me what they wanted was "toxic" highs. I didn't give in cos I value stability and I just saw it as unnecessary drama. I am sure they found me boring too. I get it. Glad I didn't run after them anymore when they left for the 5th time. Love and compassion is there, but I can't for the life of me entertain roller coaster rides.
I'm going through the heartbreak of yet another one right now. He was the more avoidant one and I am the more anxious one. I feel like a junkie in rehab.
I was in this trap. I’m anxious, he’s avoidant. Thanks to videos like this one, I was able to get in touch with unconscious childhood issues (meditation helped, plus psychotherapy.). Every time his words triggered my fears of abandonment, I learned to ask myself why I was feeling so hurt. In a meditation, I talked to my father, whom I never knew until after I became an adult. So much happier now!
And your current relationstips? Could you hear each other and feel safe together?
How are things now? Cz this would be the first couple that works
I love the examples, what to look for, how to treat them & yourself & it is normal to struggle until you learn the whys & hows of your attachment style, to have more truths around our boundaries. Then, we can choose a more secure path.
I have secure areas & an anxious preoccupied side with my DA. I have struggled but also am learning to soothe myself & not expect them to do all & be all. The secure takes over and helps me to understand, appreciate, respect, & truly understand myself & my DA as I grow in my own security. I do understand one thing the most, whenever I get anxious & want to react instead of respond...it is this... accepting someone & ourselves just as we are. Can we love in spite of it all. I know he has been through a living hell & has had more pain & hurt than most from his childhood.
If he can't meet me somewhere in the middle, I know I will be alright & it is his pain that prevents his true happiness, not me. He has to make the choice for himself to understand his whys...
It is my choice, inevitably, to stay or go...
Patient, its plays into the avoidant. Just pointless, you tell the avoidant how you feel, they just feel more threatened in their perfectionist belief that masks their vulnerability. It's pointless, pointless, pointless.... 30 years I am telling you if you are able to before you become overcommitted, with a house and kids leave leave leave.
I hear you. I've been "chasing" my DA partner for over 10yrs. Trying to PROVE IM GOOD enough for HIS love. It's delusional to think they will ever change. You can't get time back....
Agree, I wish I had know this, my wife was AMAZING for 7 years before she got post partum depression with our third child and with this came the avoidant behavior. "In sickness and in health, till death do we part". I have stayed for 18 more miserable years and I now see the DAMAGE it did to my kids. They gleefully attacked me when I got home from work and I LOVED raising them from 4 pm to 10 pm while my wife just hid and all day on weekends. But they had an avoidant mother from the time they woke up to 4 pm and they ALL learned to be avoidant from her and ALL of them are now un-functioning adults, unable to handle conflict, all have lost there jobs and I am nearly 50, trying to retrain my adult kids that conflict is OK and avoiding is not going to result in them being happy.
I hear you all and your input. Thank you for bravely sharing.
@James Lang Smith whst a simple yet brilliantly stated fact. Thank you.
Those “reasonable expectations” sound like pie in the sky! I have stated what I would like that are much lower than these. I am ignored, sometimes. So I stopped hoping for anything at all. I will get my emotional needs met elsewhere. He may or may not be willing to work on some of these.
being an Anxious in a relationship with an FA is one of the worst feelings in the world. That dread of knowing someone that meant everything to you wouldn't care if you died overnight. Its even worst when they used to genuinely love you at the same level you did. Wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy
Its one thing to find out someone is a narcisist because you know your off without.
But what you said about knowing how they really did love you once and now act like you are a stranger is extremely painful. All that while trying to give them the space to find their selflove.
@@onnol917 I recently realized some people who are FA are actually quiet bpd. Look into it
All that is real is the love we share. We're all one. Defense mechanisms come from ego. Ego is a construction. It's a veil. An illusion. We're all love at the core. We're here to play and learn, in this comedy show called life. They love you. They are you. Love yourself without conditions, look past the appearing flows and you will recognise it xx
If you're stuck in a marriage with someone and have this dynamic going on, learning how to fix it is a great resource. But if you're not and you can just get out without losing much, I feel that is by far the healthiest option. At least for myself, I'd much rather focus on my own security and partner with other secure people than have to put this kind of work into a relationship again.
Superficially the easy solution is simply to leave. In my case to pack my bags and head for the airport.
But… hold on …. this is a recurring pattern and if she is prepared work with me then, perhaps, together we can slowly help each other heap.
Yes I know, relationships are not therapy but perhaps this can be therapeutic. And yes, I know as the anxious part of the pairing that I lurch between despair and hope. And for sure I do not wish to remain trapped in this endless search for love from only from those that struggle to love themselves or anyone else.
Reasonably needs are too much for DA's. Doesn't matter how they're communicated. Learned this the hard way myself. They don't put effort into a relationship.
Ya I've experienced it. DA was super hot at the beginning, opened up, but then as soon as they felt more connection, attachment, and dependency from my AP needs, they pull away, go cold, and find a reason to leave.
Needs. Not AP needs. You have needs, like a secure person has needs.
I am on round 5 with an fa/da. I am not completely ap. I never had expectations but the first 4-6 months were amazing and everything seemed amazing. Then he started pulling back. Said he wasn't ready for a relationship. Left. Came back a month later saying he made a mistake and wanted to fix things. Great. On again.
Then did it again. And again. There was no rhyme or reason to even what set him off. Except this last time he said he needed space. I pushed it that time. After 3 or 4 goes of being blocked (now blocked again), I lost it. I fell in love with him and maybe he isn't even an fa, maybe he's just a jerk. But he was never out right mean. When he is wonderful he is absolutely amazing. When he isnt...he's cold. Acts like I didn't exist. I'm kinda pissed because I just dont want to feel this pain. Especially when this was my reintroduction to dating after a divorce.
My ex gf was not "avoidant" on the surface - she was loving, ardent, verbally affirming. But after the first 4 AMAZING months, she suddenly became unavailable, and I spent 4 years trying to get her to prioritize spending time with me. we live an hour away from each other and each care for our demented mothers, so I kept my request reasonable and asked for Friday night to Sunday mornings together. I asked for 4 years and I rarely go that, even though I KNOW she loves me. I've been in twice-weeekly therapy for 9 months now, she's been in weekly therapy for a month,. She's a drug addict who is clean but not working a program. Now I'm in withdrawal in SLAA, and have a 90-day no contact with her. But I hope that she'll do the work on her self-esteem that I'm doing and we can be together again someday.
I am living this now. And it’s killing me
Yes..some good advice..but "let me know what day and time you will be contacting me again"..is "pressure" on an avoidant..been there..done that..learnt!!
I left this kind of relationship lastnight. Even after a lovely afternoon convo where i decided to give her space with her fam after a 5 minute talk, where we planned to talk when she got home later in the night, i ended up watching homegirl give other people attention in a livestream, and when she saw my greeting, she responded awkwardly and then ended her livestream saying to everyone as a group that she's going to sleep. After that I waited for an hour or more, but she didn't call. I messaged and called her. She didn't respond until in the next evening, where it was a very brief 2 comments, and she pretended that she didn't ignore me. She later made 2 or 3 more comments, then stopped talking altogether.
I told her if I didn't see her making any reasonable effort to address the matter with more dignity and empathy (or any respinse at all, since she would frequently just ignore things i say to her about the vibes she create or destroy) lastnight, that i would have no choicebut to see it for what it always appears to be. Like expected, she read the comments and just stopped responding altogether.
I really don't know how to see this as anything but dark, toxic and tragic.
Experienced the same thing verbatim. It does feel cruel doesn’t it? And malicious. The truth is: they are probably just that incompetent and incapable. Although I do believe that it’s really just a lack of care. It really doesn’t take much to respond to someone, presuming they actually love and value you and care about having you in their life. When they don’t, our only conclusion to deduce is that they simply do not care or value the connection we share enough to honor and put in even the absolute bare minimum level of respect and reciprocation. Not to mention actually fulfilling our ACTUAl emotional needs. This is literally just the basics. And common courtesy.
I was in this trap for 5/6 years. I didn’t realize that it was unhealthy because I didn’t have any reference point. I thought that going through tough times was a sign of a healthy, growing relationship, but that’s wrong. We were underwater with one oxygen tank.
I think I stayed in the relationship because she was the closest thing I felt to home, and it took me until last month to realize that I have been searching for a home outside of myself. I’m working with someone now to become a securely attached adult. These videos have definitely helped towards that end.
I was in it for 30! And my kids saying here goes dad again, not realising I was being triggered, I didn't even know, now I know get the fuck out of dodge if if I have to live in a hut.
I'm in it. I've been in it. I thought I got out but the feelings are creeping back. He's in my subconscious so even when there are days I'm not thinking about him, He's in my dreams, so I end up thinking about him the entire next few days.
I know he's going through the ringer with his own stuff.
At this point, I understand what's going on, and I'm happy giving him space... I just wish I could stop thinking about him.
I am not even an anxious type, i am the secured type but i struggle to figure out if there's a point of being involved with an attachment avoidant guy who seems manipulative and selfish even though this may not be his true self after i learnt about all these types.
Yes just broke up from 2years of this. She would flirt with others and sometimes not even talk to me all night at a party. It's good to understand it from this angle. Explained why I would sour the communication, my needs weren't being met.
Starts at 02:05
anxious are much better off to find a secure partner than doing the dance in the first place.
It's not that easy, to find a secure partner) and it's worth to try anyway, when you love an avoidant partner
in it and trying my best to let it go. both of us have disorganized attachment so it feels like two helicopters fighting on a rollercoaster. it’s hard because we don’t want to hurt each other we just aren’t on the same page and keep getting triggered. ☹️ all you said was really reassuring though. thank you. 💚
I learned a lot from this. Thank you for putting it into simple terms.
Glad it was helpful!
Almost 2 years of back and forth. Final straw after his ghosting , wanting to make things right. Inviting me to come to the beach, wanting to be there for my fatherless son … then ghosting when things get real… After telling him exactly my desires clearly and another ghosting pattern I’m no longer looking for connection from someone that is not open to love, respectful of my feelings or caring of the effects his behavior on others .
same esp after u give them 2nd chance not emotional intelligence or have a skill set to be open to relationship
@@starlightskiestarot yes, it’s their lack of ability not yours, nevertheless very hard. I think the disrespect aspect is the most cutting part!
I'm currently in the process of ending this right now (5 years, 2.5 years dating, 2.5 years engaged). There was always bits and pieces of it the entire time but things really amped up after we moved in together. Some of the things here are described almost exactly what I've been going through. I'm definitely the anxious, although I do say I was much worse and self-sabotaging in the past with past relationships. I do always try to view the relationship from a third person perspective, and like to think I accept when I'm wrong (there's plenty of times). After watching what you framed as reasonable, I feel better that I did in fact give the relationship and a decent chance before ending it. She's supposed to move out at the end of the month but I have a feeling she's going to stick around and probably suck me into the death cycle again.
Thanks so much for this video. I am the avoidant one in my relationship, he is the anxious attachment, along with severe cptsd. The only thing we ever fight about is him not feeling loved by me emotionally. Because I am an avoidant, I find it very difficult to talk about emotions, mine or his. He is left feeling unloved and uncared for because I am more non verbal than verbal when it comes to love and showing it. He literally needs to hear the words and I am exhausted trying to meet that need. I fail miserably, feel awkward and genuinely feel like my brain is scrambled not knowing what to say. Then when he tells me something I can say in that moment, I feel like it's not even authentic then because I would just be copying him. I'm so stuck. I love him so much but am afraid I am unable to love him in the way he needs it. So this leads to endless fights and me stonewalling because I'm froze being triggered😢 And this all tells him, I in fact don't care about his feelings or love him (although I truly do). I don't want to give up but enough is enough. I am left feeling very inadequate.
I love hearing your side of things from an avoidant perspective. It's really helpful. Thank you so much for sharing. The fact that you are sharing this shows you have a great deal of self awareness and you are healing. ❤❤
My partner is v avoidant and has started the journey of looking into his behaviours but it still feels pretty bumpy. He is in therapy and reading about attachment. I can tell that he is having a HARD TIME working through this pain and I want to be there for him but I am trying to also look after myself in the process (I’d say I’m disorganised with more anxious tendencies but have become A LOT more secure lately). I know that in the end it’s a personal choice how much I am willing to tolerate but it’s hard to figure that out while being with someone I really love who IS doing the work but still displaying a lot of these behaviours that push me away (and are sometimes very hurtful!) I’ve been working on reacting less in the moment and bringing things up compassionately at a different time when we are calmer but it’s been difficult. A lot of these videos/Instagram post suggest that by standing by someone who’s hurting you you are just abandoning yourself and while I understand that I also feel pretty shamed by it as I do see genuine hope for our relationship (but maybe I’m just delusional). I don’t want to neglect myself for someone else but I also want to be with this person who I genuinely love and who has a lot of great qualities.
Leave, you deluded, and you will continue to be deluded. Find yourself a secure partner and enjoy your life or abandon yourself as you were as a child so that you can play out the painful yet reassuring implicit rejection of the avoidant. Leave, your clothes, your house, take your money and start again, and never at least for 5 years be in contact. hard decision easy life, easy decision hard life, its easy to stay hard to leave.
As great as these tips are in theory, it seems to me like you only need one tip to get out of the anxious-avoidant trap: End the relationship. It's not worth it, and no person, however great they may be in theory, is worth that kind of work. DAs don't change.
Leaving relationships is sometimes the absolutely best course of action. But if that is the only answer, then we miss the opportunity to heal our own dysfunctional patterns. I look at relationships as a fertile training ground for our soul's journey to wholeness.
@@VeronicaMonet I love this 😢 because it’s true I’m learning so much about myself it’s given me an opportunity to realise how to stop being anxious
My rolling stone and I watch these..we're learning to make it work Thank you 😬
Who liked it..I can't see 😅
@@mrhaunted4831 bro how is it working out?
@@Alvun416 so far so good 🥰
Is it still working out...?
@@schedulski 3 year anniversary was oct 5 once i got tired of it n gave up she is all in now
Thanks so much for putting blurry feelings into well structured words that really help make sense of the endless spiral of the anxious avoidant dance. This is very helpful and provides priceless clarity on the matter 🙏❤️
Thank you so much for this video!
I was in the anxious avoidant trap, though my situation is a little different. I was not in a love realtionship with him, but in a close friendship. (Or close is what I felt and what I wanted it to be). Too little people talk about friendship breakups, but there're clearly parallels to love break ups, also with attachment involved.
I'm mostly secure, but my FA friend brought out the small anxious parts I still have in me out. When we started our friendship he was eager to get to know me, eager to hear about my hobbies, communicate daily with me, trying to open up - though he always was upfront that this is super difficult for him.
I like to be involved in my friends lifes and also like to help emptionally. It's a natural instinct and I'm wuite good at it. He also said that he feels save and secure with me and wants to open up more.
We got into the trap when he promised to do something (e.g. tell me about a date the next day unprompted, planning a friends film night for us etc.) but didn't. I do struggle when someone breaks promises, it's a trigger for me. Plus, not knowing about attachment styles, I thought him distancing at times meaning falling into a depression hole or that I need to show him more that he's save in our friendship. I was trying to be supportive and in hindsight, his avoidant sooul might have read that as smothering. He never clearly communicated his needs, I did constantly without blaming him.
When things were good between us, I felt very rewarded and so good! One single moment of opening up and I was sure we'll have a bright future. Unfortunately, everytime he opened up, he deactivated afterwards. I was confused and that put me in distress... rinse and repeat.
The sad climax is reached now, were he specfically told me, he doesn't want to blow off the friendship (never thought he wanted that, I was just worried for him, because he went super silent after the breakup with his GF) and makes a concious effort to check in a little bit more often....
He didn't hold up to his words, ignored me for three weeks, until on christmas I specifically asked him if he was ghosting me. A short but lovely reply that he would text me back propperly after the weekend.
To this day (mid februrary for those who read this comment later) he never replied to my messages again. A lot of messages, since I didn't know chasing him would make it worse. Plus, you expect ghosting in the fresh start of dating releationships, not in 8 month of close friendship where you've already been there for each other through A LOT (we bot hat a rough 2022).
Your video now helped me in two way:
1. I know I did absolutely everything you suggested to get out of the trap instinctively, even if I didn't know anything by then. The only thing I didn't was asking him for how long he needs space and always suggested that 10 days would be enough... He always said he would communicate if he needs more space. He never did.
2. I can understand now, that the physically feeled heartbreak is indeed real and the anxious-avoidants ups and downs are like a drug.
Now, it wasn't my decision to end this friendship and if we're quite honest with not saying anything but ghosting me he didn't officially end it either and he knows pretty well I was holding up hope. I even asked him to block me if he headed out of the friendship in the beginning of the ghosting and he didn't, so not even THAT "reply" and certainy he gave me. But with the situation, my "relapse" is texting him again. I'll try my best to stay sober now.
Sorry for that way too long comment :D I guess the CZcams Algorhythim appreciates it and in all honesty, sharing my expierience with others somewhat helps.
Thank you for posting this inquiry. I understand it can be a painful and confusing experience.
What you describe it sounds like it may be an “anxious avoidant trap” situation.
These videos might offer some insight.
When to Leave A Toxic Relationship, According to Your Chakras czcams.com/video/604gZk4iIFQ/video.html
The Anxious-Avoidant Trap or Divine Timing? How Can You Tell? czcams.com/video/kEYJqOb0JJw/video.html
Avoidant and Anxious Relationship Struggles: How to Spot the Trap czcams.com/video/C9Mr3R_Ykbg/video.html
[1 of 5] The Anxious Avoidant Trap: A Case of Like Sees Like czcams.com/video/yMOpdJM3Ot4/video.html
[2 of 5] 6 Signs of the Anxious-Avoidant Trap czcams.com/video/Kw0YMwKb6xo/video.html
Am I Anxious, or Are They My SoulMate? czcams.com/video/vNoxPtQdAIM/video.html
I was in the anxious avoidant trap in a friendship, and it ended on bad terms. I was the anxious one and didn't understand anything about avoidance at the time, I got confrontational, it all came to a head and our friendship fell apart. I'm still furious at them, but now I'm learning more about avoidance and myself, I regret how it all went down.
I wish I could talk to them and apologise for the timing of it all and escalating it so far, but they've blocked me. I can't even tell them I'm sorry. I want to try and do better in the future so it never goes that far. Thank you for all the tips
Thank you for commenting and for sharing your experience, frayacinth. Sending you well wishes on your journey.
You did the right thing. Standing by and letting someone treat you like shit with no pushback is wrong. Especially someone who you were dating.
The problem with people with anxious attachment system is that we can get violent and verbally abusive..
Only to later regretted how bad we behave.
No matter how avoiding and triggering someone is we must act accordingly with respect and patience and kindness.
And lots empthy.
Don't worry I understand u feel.
I used to act out really badly before I healed.
Now when I'm triggered by an avoidant or dismissive person, I sit with the pain. Extremely difficult we must..
Understand that they are sick and they are not deliberately trying to hurt you they just are not capable.
Accept a must they are or leave them alone
Commenting for the ‘Rithim
Helpful explanation of a complex and messy topic.
Cheers 🥂
I was able to finally voice to my partner after about 3 years and 4 breakups later that I believed he might be a Fearful Avoidant. I definitely lean AP (but only in relationships where the partner is avoidant). I was pleasantly surprised when he said wow I think all these things you're telling me are accurate. So I am now in the patient phase and I am not expecting too much I'm letting him take it from here on his own and building up my own life as a single person, and we visit when time allows. This has brought some peace to our relationship. There's no longer anything to deactivate against because there's no expectations.
Share your needs all you want it makes no difference. All it will be is a waste of time. Don't bother. Communicate till your blue in the tell them proper feeling words all you want hope u feel better. Still eint matter. It is real hopeless! HOPELESSSS
Agreed it's just a repeated cycle & nothing ever changes
Some people like you less the more you talk. . .silence is usually best. Only speak up when absolutely necessary once you realize you're dealing with someone like this if you choose to continue on.
Edit: she talks more about this in examples. (And suggests that this is info the other person is not as ready as you are. "Not ready to meet you where you're at.")
Amazing video. ❤
Yes this was a good explanation- because mine was back and forth. I become the anxious one when we breakup. Then when we get back together I can become avoidant at times now I am avoidant again after everything - but yet still anxious. I am avoidant with my feelings and fears in the relationship - I find him to be anxious too especially when we breakup he comes back and attaches again. Exhausting
Thank you for commenting and for sharing your experience, Shannon Jiu-jitsu Athlete. Sending you well wishes on your journey.
This was so helpful.
Seeing all those patterns laid out in front of me like that helped solidify in my mind to end the relationship once and for all.
I may feel different tomorrow or in a few days, but I know I made the right decision and I know I took the right steps tonight.
I will always Love her and I will always wish the best for her. That's a good gift to be left and to give.
She is still the good person I know her to be and I know that she will always Love me.
Hello ! How is it now ? It'll be really helpful if you share what happened next or how it is now ! ❤️
It is astounding how many people seem to think that these people should just.....not be allowed to have relationships?
It might be that we need to find a different dynamic, or someone willing to work with us, but jfc is it horrific to read scores of comments more or less saying I should crawl in a hole and be alone.
It's like saying that having an emotional wound is indelible. But emotional wounds can be resolved and people can learn better ways of communicating and conducting relationships. A good relationship can be a healing process for both parties if they are honest and willing to put in the work. I hope you find a way of healing and someone who can love you for who you are.
@@tc6758 I appreciate this, thank you. 💖
You have to remember a lot of people triggered by avoidant people are probably anxious attached, or have that part of themselves triggered. So of course they are going to direct blame outward.
@@bryanpinamonti9322 That is true. Their trauma and experience is valid.
Just was jarring to see.
It's difficult to concentrate when you are talking so fast.
Thank you Briana! I manage to keep my behaviors in check, but internally I experience the anxious/avoidant trauma of my early childhood. It's hard healing past that, particularly when my partner also has attachment wounds from his childhood. We are in IFS therapy and making very good use of it. But the road is long when you have suffered extreme forms of abuse as a child. I enjoy your videos very much. Your spiritually grounded approach that doesn't shame or blame is the antidote this polarized and fear based world needs.
Despite the road being long, are you finding it possible to make it work successfully?
@@jmcalorum1718 I am. In the past seven months, I have experience enormous relief thanks mostly to the IFS therapy my partner and I are in. As I feel more integrated and connected to myself, I don't have those same fight/flight/freeze reactions as often or as powerfully. I am finding more and more capacity to stay grounded and connected to myself. Thanks for asking!
Add in ADHD and Asperger’s to the avoidant partner along with a disdain of therapy. Not much hope for anything but a fun and unique friendship which might have to be enough.
@@goddess158 sorry to hear that!
Yes, you described my son perfectly and he has a female best friend who is at our house all the time. They have agreed to stay only friends, at times they are frustrated it can't be more, but rather keep a great friendship instead of risking moving to the next level and losing each other. Sometimes a great friendship is better than a potential romantic relationship.
@@genericwatcher2439 tough situation!
this explained me and the person dating 100% wow this helped saved from alot of trauma in the future
@SoAmayzing Thank you for commenting. I’m glad the content has been helpful!
I love you for that last bit. I'm always so hard on myself
I’m glad it was helpful! Thank you for commenting with your experience.
I am there now with my ad has broke up with me. Not returning my messages, but reading them. We were about to close our house. Now he has ghosted me. I am willing to work on me. But he will not respond, it's been 3 weeks. I am about to go into no contact
I have displayed most of these behaviours on both the anxious and avoidant side. Same with my partner, we’ve split up a few times but we have a 4 year old so I want it to work out.
I think in my case we are both fearful avoidant, but we barely know each other so this is all speculation. She might just not care. Never thought I was FA because I’ve usually only dated women that I had little interest in which makes it easy. I immediately get skittish when I’m dealing with a woman I actually like which messes things up
Thank you for commenting and sharing your experience. It sounds like you’re having some increasing insights. You might find this video helpful.. Disorganized Attachment in Dating: Traits, Love & Intimacy
czcams.com/video/uSrc4BFYLqE/video.html
The high I’m craving is love and connection Briana.
Briana you mentioned in the videos that an “avoidant will project onto an anxious all of the needy parts they rejected in themselves and get repulsed by it “ Can you give an example of a needy part an avoidant doesn’t like which makes them repulse an anxious ??
I’m not sure how Briana would answer this, but I’m fearful-avoidant/disorganised. I am highly triggered by neediness, whether it be in a romantic partner or a friend just expressing how they feel about their partner. I can be needy too, and I hate it. I’ll hold back so it isn’t expressed much and wait for it to go away, although I’ll have a semi-controlled/weird outburst sometimes. What repulses me about it is the person’s need of or dependence on me to make themselves feel better. I even get to a point where I get angry thinking they are even thinking about me. I get like this with family too. The thought of them thinking of me too much when I’m withdrawing, feels very invasive. I feel like telling them I don’t give them permission to think about me haha.
But I do understand it, because I can be this way myself! Maybe I’m repulsed by own suppressed neediness. Not sure. Either way, I will suddenly switch and will lose attraction instantly.
I also think it may be experienced differently depending on whether it’s a man or woman in the roles. With there perhaps being a bit more leeway for women to be anxiously attached. Just a thought, based on evolution.
@@AQ31276 thanks so much for sharing !! This is very insightful and helpful .
It’s hard to know if someone gets repulsed bu neediness i guess they’d have to express that concern . Also hard if someone is trying to love on them by thinking about them. That would be expected in relationship . Curious do you let them know when they are coming off too needy in your eyes ? I think communication would be helpful in that case . I’m thinking oh my I am just tying to express love and care and it could be taken differently based on attachment style ! Very interesting ! Again thanks for clarify ! Very helpful !!
@@triplethreat9168 my experience of not wanting them to think about me is more with family. I don’t communicate this, although I should certainly communicate my need for space in a more healthy way. I tend to ignore people instead. I do this so that it doesn’t create awkwardness or perpetuate further contact at that time. I will tend to say “I’m just really busy right now”. I take the easy way out. If I was in a romantic relationship and it had made it past the first few instances of me feeling engulfed/invaded upon, and they had given me space during this, then I could handle them thinking about me and be more reasonable in my thoughts and feelings.
I can also be terribly anxious/needy if I’m with a DA, but I suppress it out of fear of vulnerability and humiliation. I would be so confused and hurt if a person told me I wasn’t allowed to even think of them while I was in a vulnerable state of unmet need. It would actually make me feel so angry at them for being that cruel.
I feel like a contradiction.
@@triplethreat9168 If a person said exactly what you said, “I am just trying to love and care, I didn’t didn’t realise how it was being experienced by you”, it would alleviate my need to pull away a lot. So long as it was coming from a place of understanding and a feeling they were pulling back a bit, rather than an expectation that I should therefore spend more time with them. The phrasing you used is much more helpful than someone saying “but I need you” or something similar. I think the balance can only be found via good communication, which I’ve not been good at.
@@AQ31276 Awhh I could only imagine the conflicting thoughts you have . I’m sure it’s not easy ? Have you ever asked why you don’t want to be thought of or even thought what it could be like if you are thought of ? Is it possible it could feel good and not bad ?
I couldn’t imagine I really
Feel for you! Again very insightful . I tend to
Give my guy space when he withdraws some ,
He will say I’ve just been really busy . Is pretty good at Coming up with excuses . I have learned to expect them. I have learned his dance and just allow . He always tells me he appreciates me which is a great thing. Comforts me . In the mean time I continue to learn how best to navigate his world so he can find safety in building a world together with me !!
Thank you so much. Hearing all of this now makes so much more sense as to how I have been moving through my relationships. I love the tools and tips - really spoke to me, and it seems as though I am on the right path now with someone new but still experiencing similar reactive states… it’s always nice to hear that there is a reason behind the way that I and others show up in relationship. I loved the clear suggestions for open and honest communication. Thank you. ❤
That was an informative 23 minutes. Thank you for being to-the-point and thorough! 🌷🌷
This video hit EVERY point. Thank you so much for creating this!
Same here!
Once you get past the hangover it gets better.
I have been in a situationship with my next door neighbor for about 6 months now. After talking to her last night it was the last straw that broke the camels back. She was blaming and very arguementive. I am a Sigma male (Secure) and she (I discovered) is an FA. I have no patience for all of the head games or the roller coaster rides that she always tried to put me on. Right now, I've decided to go my own way and am going no contact with her which will be a challenge since she lives right next door. Hopefully, I can make her fearful not to knock on my door. Soon, I have plans of moving away which should nip it in the bud forever. She is not worthy on getting any further attention from me. She is just too much work : )
Few things.
1) Secure people don’t try to cause fear in another person, no matter the reason.
2) big red flag on a man who refers to people as males and females. It’s very pick up artist lingo which infers cult like ideology and lack of emotional intelligence.
3) big red flag when someone refers to themselves as sigma. Again, pick up artist lingo. Basically pick up artists are misogynistic, and most women obviously don’t want to date misogynistic men.
Good luck with your mindset, you'll go far in life. You sound like a feminist.@@gracechan3039
Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like you've done some soul-searching and have decided what boundaries are important for you in a relationship. I hear that you're eager to move on, but it might be good to reflect on the dynamic to understand what went awry. Sometimes it's not just one person who creates the turmoil in a relationship, but rather a combination of both parties' behaviors and emotional patterns.
It's also crucial to remember that causing fear or discomfort in another person is not an ideal way to handle these complex emotional situations, even if you're feeling hurt or frustrated yourself. As you look forward to new beginnings, try to consider a more compassionate way of setting boundaries.
Going no-contact can be tough, especially when she's your next-door neighbor. If moving is in your future plans, that might offer the clean break you're looking for.
Such a great reminder to be patient with our DA’s!
Thanks Brianna
Just started dating again and already he thinks I’m moving too fast i actually think if I move any slower i will STOP!
I waited years meet someone I really liked but he always expresses how much he’s not ready but at the same time he won’t let go of me continuously calling and messaging even when I try to walk away
By the way he’s 55 yes old and I’m 49 so we are not young
Please reply so I know you read the comments
Love fr Fiona
fiona, you are responsible for you. not him. words and actions must match. the fact that you say... but he keeps calling means you are abandoning yourself instead of giving him the heave ho, even though you know it is not going anywhere. you should always believe the worst of what a person puts out there, not the best (and in fact, texts etc are hardly the best).
i guess you have not really walked away. bob, thank you for getting to know me better. I am looking for the real deal which is someone relationship ready in words and deeds. I wish you the best. done. if he contacts you, block him, ignore him, or say... please stop contacting me, it is not good for either of us.
you are not the victim, you at this point are choosing him
and being young or not is actually irrelevant. relationship ready has no upper or lower age limit
Hi my name is Léandre (Lee) short form I’ve been apart from my wife till now. I’ve seen her here and there thruout the summer till now and I tried to talk to her all summer with no results and every time I leave she tells me hurtful comments and I end up hurting deep inside and shed tears. I wanted to get back together I’m seeing a counselor. Want to see a marriage counselor with her to get her input to better understand and communicate in a better way. But wants no part of it I’m the one with the problem she tells me and keeps bringing past issues when I thought those issues had been dealt with. Now she tells me she doesn’t want to be married anymore I’m devestated having trouble moving on because I don’t know where all this came from I’ve forgiven her I love and miss her but I have to let her go even if I don’t want too. I have to respect her wishes. Thank you
You arent the problem man. She is. If she isnt trying at all with you then you can’t do anything and its ok. You will be fine :)
Great video - Its almost as if you have been watching our relationship through some sort of crystal ball. The hardest part is that my partner who is a DA, cannot take criticism well and takes it personally when I say we are two sides of the same coin. She thinks her avoidance is a badge of honor and independance and can't see the avoidance is just as much of an escape as me being "needy". She see's herself as being strong and me being weak but she is a classic avoider. How do you tell someone who blows up in the face of criticism that they cant take criticism? LOL... Seems like a double negative - Its a major blindspot for her but my part of it has become painfully obvious and somewhat embarrasing...This is a major AHA in my life and I'm determined to change. She wants me to change but I'm not sure she'll be happy with the result....I dont know how to approach without her taking it personally and "avoiding" the issue. Even if she watched this video, she would still think 90% is me and 10% was her... Any suggestions?
I appreciate your kind words about the video, and I'm glad it resonated with you. It's not uncommon for one person in a relationship to have difficulty accepting their own attachment style or acknowledging their role in the dynamics.
Approaching this conversation with your partner can indeed be challenging, especially if she tends to take criticism personally. It might be helpful to frame the conversation in a way that focuses on your own growth and the desire to improve the relationship rather than directly critiquing her behavior.
Here's a suggestion for starting the conversation:
1. **Choose the Right Time:** Find a calm and private moment when both of you are relaxed and not in the midst of a conflict.
2. **Express Your Feelings:** Begin by sharing your feelings and experiences rather than making accusations. Say something like, "I've been doing some self-reflection and realized that there are things I want to work on in our relationship."
3. **Share Your Goals:** Explain your desire for personal growth and mention that you believe it would benefit both of you. Emphasize that this isn't about assigning blame but about creating a healthier dynamic.
4. **Be Open to Listening:** Encourage her to share her perspective and feelings as well. Make it clear that you value her thoughts and are open to understanding her viewpoint.
5. **Seek Professional Help:** If you both find it difficult to have productive conversations about this topic on your own, consider seeking the guidance of a couples' therapist. A trained therapist can facilitate discussions and help both of you navigate these issues more effectively.
Remember, change takes time, and it's essential to be patient with yourselves and each other during this process. The goal is to work together to create a more balanced and fulfilling relationship where both partners feel understood and valued. You might also enjoy this playlist on my channel for communication: czcams.com/play/PLrMVDDz2c7DPNOMfwMvup2Ayo7AXSkAG2.html
@@brianamacwilliam.attachment Thank you Briana, your kind words are appreciated and helpful.
Its very much helpful. Thanks for practical examples
Shreya Joshi Glad you liked this video! Thank you for commenting.
I was pining for the one that got away Briana God I was an idiot.
Wow that was very strong and hepfull Infos. Thanks for that video!
Yago Pe Thank you for commenting. I’m glad the content has been helpful!
She stopped meeting me in the healthy places of our relationship.
I have been rejected by a girl and yet I got to know that she is an avoidant, she still seems very open and comfortable with me, should I wait for her to make a move or should I move on, please help it's becoming very toxic for my mental health
Easy answer…move on…can’t live someone that hasn’t taken the time to love themselves by getting to know themselves through therapy…they have to do lots of inner work to be ready for a successful long term relationship. Choose yourself! If you think you need to ask a question to continuing a toxic unhealthy relationship then you also have work to do to be whole and healthy…You aren’t ready either. Do some shadow work to figure out why you feel you aren’t worthy of a healthy stable union. ❤
Move on. They generally don’t change.
Thank You So Much😊
Clear communication... yup, that is a problem. My wife constantly says, "I meant to tell you...". I remind her that we have cell phones and that she can always drop me a text. "Hey, can we talk about XYZ tonight." But no, she doesn't, then when her problem explodes after days, weeks, months of avoiding it and causing problems for the entire family, she goes, "Oops" or worse yet, she gets ANGRY at everyone for the problem SHE created. She has a counselor, a psychiatrist, is medicated, we have done and are doing marriage counseling. "In sickness and in health, till death do we part", is a huge conflict for me. I have watched so many of your videos and a common theme is both participating. Since my religious beliefs don't allow divorce, sometimes I feel so guilty that when my wife is avoiding and is gone, I wish she would get in a car accident and die. Then I could finally be free of her and meet my religious requirements still be met. I just wish she would try and we could be happy together, but that doesn't appear possible.
It definitely takes both people trying. That’s tough. 🫤
and horrible way to live - hoping they may die…… but I get how you feel.
Jesus
Hi, just read your comment and was like „oh f...🤭”...Im very religious too, but there are certain cases (at least im a catholic church), where you can get divorced „legally”, so to speak. I advise you also get some counseling, but also from a sensitive and wise clergyman (priest) that could help you see your situation in the light of church law. All the best to you - will keep you both in my prayers🙏
The worst thing is not knowing about it before the relationship ended. Even though she treated me badly maybe I could have changed it if I knew at that time 😞
Not necessarily the other person would have to want to change you can’t make them want to
Yawn
Note for self, start from 5:33
At what day and time you will reach out again!! Lol ya right
It took eight months of self and then about three months working with her, but then it actually happened. She got comfortable enough to do exactly that, and with an escape option and rules set at the first meeting.
I get this isn't for everyone. This is simply because we know we both still like each other, respect each other, mostly, and understand we've both misunderstood each other. And of course the kids; we're trying to model problem solving to them and continue the relationship and connection we used to have and enjoy.
Good luck to you all!
Can an anxious and avoidant have a healthy relationship?
Very rarely... Best is to let go. Trust me
If they are both willing to work for it and own their own things, then yes. There is a way;
@@thelordcommander5 I don’t know any guy who knows about this service or would even be willing to listen. 😂 I feel like my list gets longer and longer in my soulmate gets farther and further away.
No
I think I’m just waiting on the actually connection and intimacy to bring growth and trust it feels like a whole lot is missing so I can have a good time alone or without him but then I realize he puts little to no effort in and I should be concerned and worrying and decide if I should even stay ( I have a 1 year old with him so ) I also have no financial ability or leave yet so of course I’m trying to learn what the hell is actually going on before I snap bc I am confused if he’s narcissistic he does rage and ghost for days he drinks a lot and yet he is also avoidant
If you are financially dependent and can't leave, it is very difficult to assert yourself, set boundaries, stand your ground.
The point is for all relationships: you should be able to leave if the other person does not work with you. At the end you can't influence somebody very much. The only influence you have is over yourself and of course you can have a good impact on both of you when you yourself are stable.
He surely has some issues. Doesn't sound very stable or secure. You can bring up your points in a healthy way (always in a loving and respectful non-judging manner, speaking more from your feelings - like 'this and this makes me feel unsafe - and I would so much like to build a trustful world with you together.' And asking: 'what do you need from me in order to feel good in this relationship' as well as' here is what I need from you to feel good in this relationship'...).
But, that requires commitment from both sides. Both have to feel safe to speak up for their needs.
So, safety first. If he can't procure that, bring yourself in a safe space.
Only from there a healthy communication is possible.
i am not an addiction, i m a caring person . we had the best4 years ever
Thank you for commenting and for sharing your experience, @tubesurf17. Sending you well wishes on your journey.
You have a misspelling in the list near the end. "Creative Ars (Arts) therapies"
My ex-girlfriend is the runner or the mouse and I’m the chaser or the cat Briana.
I don't know know what else to do....I tried everything....I give 100 and receive 1....it's painful, should I just leave?
I plan on leaving my dismissive avoidant. They don't need to be overtly abusive for you to still feel neglected and emotionally abused. Your happiness matters, and I know that my happiness is greatly diminished trying to carry this relationship on my own. If you care about your partner, know that they are far more likely to improve once they realize it was their own actions (or inaction) that pushed you away. You cannot love someone into them making permanent changes to who they are.
I’m the anxious partner Briana my ex-girlfriend Tracci Ludwick is the avoidant.
7th!
I ignored him for weeks. He tried ro get closer...soon as i open up again. He shuts down.
Omg. f off already. Im DONE. GET THE HELL OVER YOUR CHILDHOOD TRAUMA! YOURE 43 NOW , NOT 5-6-7
!!! TIME TO LIVE LIFE.
CONTROL = illusion of the EGO
My ex-girlfriend Tracci Ludwick has a Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style Briana because she’s been hurt by guys in the past.
I came to research and I started listening until then I hear in this video there are 4 attachment style only to then hear her move to naming and describing only 3 styles right after naming those 4. How does that even work. She didn’t describe anxious also know as preoccupation!
What?
Thank you for commenting. I would direct your attention to the chapters and timestamps in the caption. These topics are discussed.
Not the hair over the eye again!
Fearful avoidant should be called anxious avoidant.
It’s both so it would make sense.
It is
My avoidant partner is not in friend list with me on Facebook. I blocked him in anger to wish a girl on her birthday.I becamed insecure & hurted after seeing this.Later after unblocking, he continued talking by SMS on messenger. Will it be HV to send him a friend request on Facebook or not?Can I sent request to Have friend on Facebook social media?
It sounds like something that you should sit down and have a long talk with him about. I would recommend establishing both of your expectations and boundaries for social media very directly and honestly.
@@brianamacwilliam.attachment yes i already send him request and he accepted in a few minutes.But he's emotionally distant and doesn’t want to express his emotions
@@ANU-pz5bx so you have to ask yourself if you wanna be with someone who’s emotionally distant and doesn’t want to express their feelings. Because he’s giving you a lot of really good information here without saying anything at all.
@@brianamacwilliam.attachment yes You're right,I think I have to move on and today he's added story of sad post.I think he love another girl
@@brianamacwilliam.attachment thank you for what you do. 💐🌹💐