The Attachment Theory: How Childhood Affects Life
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- Äas pĆidĂĄn 29. 05. 2018
- The attachment theory argues that a strong emotional and physical bond to one primary caregiver in our first years of life is critical to our development. If our bonding is strong and we are securely attached, then we feel safe to explore the world. If our bond is weak, we feel insecurely attached. We are afraid to leave or explore a rather scary-looking world. Because we are not sure if we can return. Often we then don't understand our own feelings.
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Dealing with Attachment Issues:
For those who feel like they canât help themselves, or canât find trust through their partners of family, we recommend looking for professional support through a therapy. Here three of therapies that those with such issues may want to look at:
1. Psychoanalysis. The aim of psychoanalysis therapy is to release repressed emotions and experiences, i.e., make the unconscious conscious. In order to do that, the therapist might try to bring back some childhood memories, to work at the root cause of the problem.
2. Cognitive behavior therapy (CBT). CBT is a psycho-social intervention that is widely used for improving mental health. Instead of trying to bring you back in time, it aims to explain to you what's going on inside your brain and how to cope with irrational feelings or fears. Itâs the only form of therapy thatâs widely recognized in Western countries as being effective.
3. The Hoffmann Process. This 7-8 day's guided process, designed by the American psychologist Hoffmann, brings participants back into their childhood to reconnect with their parents at the time when an attachment is formed. It's very intensive and could potentially be harmful if no proper supervision is being offered the month after.
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Full Script:
docs.google.com/document/d/1v...
Sources:
Havard Study
arizona.pure.elsevier.com/en/...
Minnesota Study
www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/arti...
Further Readings:
www.psychologistworld.com/dev...
The Attachment Theory just won a film prize at TREFF, TromsĂžâs Education Film Festival in Norway. The jury gave us a prize for Best Open Access Education. đđ„đłđŽ Thank you all for your support!!!
Congratulations đ„ł
@@jaligawesa thanks
Wow congratulations đđ
This is amazing! congratulations and well deserved !
Can I ask what software is being used for making the animation? it's done beautifully.
velli bra!
"Heal before having a children so your children don't have to heal having you as a parent"
Wow solid amd strong facts
I didn't... And now I'm so scared of my kids hating me like I hate my parents đ
Iâm just going to screenshot your quote so I can give proper credit when I use this.
@@AmateurAthleteAllDay hello. I read it somewhere too. Altho I didn't know who originally said it.
@@sarateixeira2561 yes, same here. I thought I was pretty secure but I didnât really know what I was in for, now my daughter is definitely anxious avoidant⊠learning now is whatâs important I think. Iâm trying so hard to be a better mother than I was. I hope it counts for something.
Some parents have no idea how much they messed up their children...
Afef Ktari Iâm sure theyâve had it it the same way, no ones ever taught them.
Afef Ktari The parents may have had a difficult childhood themselves.
@@carolineobrien6301 That's not an excuse.
And even if you confront those parents about it, they'll often downplay it or get defensive or make up excuses, etc, etc.
No, itâs not an excuse but they may have been majorly traumatised. It tends to be generational, unfortunately.Űčۚۯ ۧÙۚ۱ ŰąÙ ŰłÙÙŰŻ
One of my favorite parts about being a dad is when my kids are telling me something and they accidentally call me âmomâ. It makes me think that I occupy the same safe warm place in their brain that their mom does.
This is so precious and wholesome, thank you for sharing. I really hope my son has the same relationship with his dad
Im so happy that your kids have a dad like you đ„č that sounds so sweet
mom. hey mom.
Itâs more likely to mean their mom actually raise them and you are, like most males, a hobbyist dad.
Their mistake is probably not because of trust but simply because they spend more time with the mom,
@@marteumar8429 why did you have to go burst my bubble?
I grew up without any emotional or physical contact with my parents even though we all lived together throughout. I had my first hug at age 18. My instincts wanted to push the person away. Thankfully this wonderful person stuck with me and slowly showed me how wonderful it is to feel love and affection.
Weâve been together for 40 years now and have 2 children and 3 grandchildren all of whom are very loving balanced and confident.
This just shows the power of love can overcome a history of neglect if the circumstances allow.
I still have deep seated issues, which are mine to own but my life is wonderful and I count my blessings everyday that Iâm able to appreciate the true value of love. Especially love for your children. Allowing them to grow with confidence and wonder.
Wonderful. Thanks Phil for sharing this with us! đâš
This is wholesome actually tho yea feeling sorry for ur childhood. I'm teen and my childhood was just like spent on without freinds, pets , crying myself to sleep in night, day time being bullied and didn't dare to tell my parents or share any of my emotions. Basically I'm a robot Today afaird to be myself in public but fighting âš
đđđđđđ
@@shinihahaha4142I relate a bit. It can be hard when it doesnât come naturally but talking about things is better than keeping it all hidden away and struggling on your own. I hope you get to a secure place âđŒ
This truly gave me hope, thank you very much
Parenting should be a subject at school.
Agreed
Absolutely.
I think you mean parents should be intentional at parenting that they invest in educating themselves to be great parents. Children arenât supposed to learn how to be parents, so they donât need parenting to be a subject at school. But I do agree with the heart of what youâre saying. There are courses called continuing education that equips and empowers people to be great parents.
@@teachermama3897 Perhaps in the last two years of high school learning how to care for younger children could be beneficial to creating healthy parents later in life. Your brainâs elasticity and ability to learn is much higher before the age of 18, so if knowing basic communication and parenting skills with babies could be taught earlier maybe it would be more likely to stick and be a strong memory. This plus sexual education could create less teen moms and dads.
Totally agree. we are studying whole lotta unnecessary things but important life skills like parenting, personal finance etc. aren't taught.
I've always been jealous of those who could express their emotions to their parents and get a ton of encouragement and support. If I ever tried opening up about my feelings I'd get called stupid and just be totally disregarded:/
This comment hit home hard!
âïžâ€ïžđđ
Same situation đ
I am not allowed to cry.
@Jeff Z Bye
I remember breaking into tears the day I found out I was pregnant with my first child. The nurse asked me if I didn't want him or her. I told her it wasn't that, but that I was terrified of being a mother like mine.
She told me that the fact that I felt and thought that way meant I wouldn't be, but that I needed to educate myself, or take classes. She then proceeded to give me a book, I can't recall atm, but it gave me a head start. I went to every class, read a bunch, and took on what seemed sensible to me.
I feel so, so grateful for that nurse. My boys are adults now. I made mistakes raising them, but they weren't the ones my biological mother made. I truly loved my boys and nothing in the world would've made me hurt them like she hurt me.
I'm glad she died before she met them, or they met her, because she would've hurt them as well. It has nothing to do with my forgiving what she did, or anything of that kind. She was the master of the universe and anything she did was her right. I disagreed, and that was, in her mind, the slave rebelling. Until the end of time.
Thanks for sharing this with us!
"master of the universe" these type of people are the absolute worst.
đl
Is your mother my mother-in-law? Holy dooly đđą
Agreed, I just did the opposite to my parents and did fine
How many else here grew up in a home with an emotional absence, where parents rarely talked about or showed much feelings? Because of this Itâs like I miss a kind of emotional ârecipeâ that everyone else has learned to create and maintain social relationships that I donât have. Like I want to communicate feelings but I just donât know how to.
same problem, bud.
Me too..
I had that sort of. My Dad was either jovial or angry. He never talked about feelings and was difficult to talk TO about feelings. Everything felt surface level. My mother was emotionally dysregulated thanks to mental illness and every one of her emotions was ramped up to 1000 and I got the brunt of it all. She talked to me about ALL of her feelings, but mine were unimportant. So now, I CAN express my emotions, I'm just always too afraid to or figure no one else cares. I also have emotional dysregulation thanks to ADHD, but I'm aware of it so I work to be better for my daughter. It's hard and I'm certainly far from perfect, but I hope I'm doing a better job than my mother.
In college, I learned that neglect is more damaging than abuse
Exactly đą
I remember my friend talking to her parents so freely... I was so surprised because it looks so unusual and weird. But then I realized that theyâre normal parents.
The same happens with me too a lot of times!
as an asian i didnât realize how strict our parents were til i went abroad to study. But i think, knowing why youâre being the way you are helps a lot
yeah same. i saw a friend of mine talking and having fun with her mother, and i was like "is that even possible?"
I talk completely freely to my parents whole my life! I can say them anything and I always do that, and my friends don't understand how I am not afraid of judgement or anything by my parents. I just don't, I now they will understand me for everything, and even if they disagree they know they can't stop me from doing that. Our relationship function in the way that they will try to explain me why I shouldn't do something and what can happen to me if I do, and then I usually don't do bad things because it's my choice and I choose that way.
@@lucyk2634 Stop teasing us with your good childhood.
"So, many broken children living in grown bodies mimicking adult live's."
Facts
Whew.
amazingly said!
You have cut me deep with that one.
đ€Ż wow
My mother had this great idea that if I ever started crying, she would leave me in a dark room by myself, until I stopped crying and came to her, So I did but were never able to express my trust and feelings towards her. She had great care to me.. but Iâm not sure about living me in a room to cry, rather than coming and hugging me.
I havenât received a hug ever, but I wish for one.
I hope you get the biggest hug soon, and even that you'll make a friend who will hug you a lot and show you how loved you are!
How wrong are all these âtheoriesâ. One that i hate utmost - leaving child crying until he stops himself, not coming and comforting him. I see it often around, i just come and comfort these kids, i dont give a damn what their mothers think about me. Or not letting ur kid to cry by saying he looks ugly when he cries or that he only brings problems, which makes person grow up as an adult who simply cant cry even in the most critical situations. Many people should avoid parenting imho((
other kids can talk to their parents about everything and when I try to have a normal conversation with my parents it always ends up in huge arguments and I've learnt that the only person who's there for me at all times is myself, so I don't bother telling my parents anything, I rather keep everything to myself and let it destroy me from the inside
This is why educating parents to be good parents are far more crucial than educating the children.
any one who has watched the Supernanny show can notice 99% of times parents are the problem
Totally agree
Some parents would blame the child.. the narcissists.. they will look at you and say what have you done đ.. well, um..đ€ me ? đ..
Don't worry, the state will provide everyone's parenting soon.
How can one be a good parent if they're never there? I think the point of the video is displaying how feminism has failed children. It's saying children need their mothers in their early years.
If I ever met someone that said they loved me and wanted me to be happy, I'd think they were crazy or trying to trick me.
Kinda similar here lol
đđđ I'd give you a hug, but you'll think I want to trick you too...
You are loved and cared for đ
Exactly đ¶
I know. đą
I was raised only by my schizophrenic grandmother in a shack until age 10, was kept home schooled and isolated, and after that I bounced around the foster care system. It would take an entire novel to outline how messed up my childhood was and the effect it had on the rest of my life.
Now I've been married 14 years and I'm retired at 44. We never wished to bring children into this crazy world so we didn't. I mostly give God the credit for my success.
Moral of the story: the world is unfair and nasty. When life beats you down, get back up and keep going. (Yeah, I stole that from Rocky Balboa.) I wouldn't trade my weird upbringing for a normal one for a second. It gave me resources to draw from that most people will never understand. Be thankful for whatever you do have, don't be bitter and NEVER give up.
@Hello there, how are you doing this blessed day?
Yeah, it's horrible how bad the system is. The adults who are just there for their paycheck do so much more harm than the good people can fix.
đą Bless you
I LOVE THIS! âI wouldn't trade my weird upbringing for a normal one for a second. It gave me resources to draw from that most people will never understand. Be thankful for whatever you do have, don't be bitter and NEVER give up.â
My mum had a bad childhood and has never gotten over it. Blames her upbringing for the abnormal upbringing I had and feels guilty about it everyday. As a child I knew my childhood was different to everyone elseâs and had no idea how messed up it would make me later in life. I have mental health issues but Iâm happy with who I am and I wouldnât be this person without that upbringing. Iâm actually grateful for it!
Amazing story. Maybe you also have some kind of better than average brain chemistry too. PLUS GOD!!!!
My childhood was quite lonely full of social isolation, I remember having no friends in daycare and in school would often walk alone, and now in my last year of high school I am terrified of the change that will soon come as well as the fact that I am also struggling with my lessons. I am insecure as a result.
I hope that others won't have to go through the emotional pain that I went through. I may help other using my experience, but that doesn't heal the wound left on my heart.
You'll find a way to heal it don't worry, and you'll find a way to help others too. We go through the things we go through for a much grander reason and mission. All the best.
Woh you quite have a similar childhood as mine . So same this is my last year of highschool and I'm afaird and insecure. My results haven't been well too đ
Hope we go through this battle. The one thing I am grateful that atleast I have hope for better future, hope we find smth to call our home too soon . Fighting ââšâš
Hope Blue . May our Heavenly Father Jehovah God be with you .
How is your life now?
I did not enjoy my childhood, but life is fine now in my 30s.
You will have a lot more control over things moving forward from this age. Seek counselling, find hobbies you enjoy and you will find that you can meet like-minded people.
Don't put too much pressure on yourself, many things that seemed like terrifying important choices in my teens I look back on as almost nothing.
And avoid drugs and alcohol. I self-medicated a lot of my problems, and that just wasted my 20s, my health and my money.
Good luck!
Some parents even after totally messing up their Children act as Victims . Just because they were raised the wrong way doesn't justify their wrong Parenting.
Itâs not a justification, but it is highly impactful.
Yeah but thatâs why we got to break the cycle of bad parenting
No apology can erase the memory of the âvictimizedâ child. If you are under 40 you have stopped to think rationally. we are a society coming from war, exploitation and oppression. Even in North America. And not to mention the information freely available then that is been growingly more more available. So the younger generations are in a reversed lack of knowledge. And until you walk a mile in a persons shoes, we should always been more understanding and compassion for the older people. Then you will understand they are just humans have human experiences too. And in fact it was in a lot of cases worse than what you experienced. Itâs just evolution people. I am thankful itâs improving. And in the past you were not allowed to talk about mental health issues or abuse within a family. It was considered embarrassing. So be great full and thankful not righteous.đâ€ïžđšđŠâïžđ
It's a habit formed over years someone has to be the generation to start the change and honestly it is slower to change for the good than for the bad....we don't tend to remember as many good things that happened as kids as bad things
Yep my dad....
I got really emotional when I watched this because children are so special and we can hurt them so easy
Danielle, that's why ACEs Matter. We are looking for people like yourself to help teach others about the importance of this ....)
@@ACEsMatter great!
Same! I just watched this being pregnant 36 weeks and with a 14 month old toddler and got so emotional because everything I am doing now matters for the rest of these babies' lives!
I got really emotional, because I saw myself in the anxious disorganized one. I avoid social situations, got lowself-esteem and I don't think I deserve love.
All that thanks to my parents being emotionally unavailable (and me being bullied when I was around 10 years old)
My parents - at least my mom - meant well. Me and my brother were well cared for. We often went on the playground with our mom, went on holidays and everything, but I never really felt loved. Never felt that there is a connection between us. I still (I'm in my thirties now) don't love my mom - I don't hate her either, she is just a person I know and occasionally talk to. I tried opening up a bit more about my anxiety and depression a few years ago, but she showed no interest in the things I told her. So I stopped trying.
I do have two friends I can talk about that stuff and in general things are improving, but it's a LOT of hard work to get it done.
Apologies for rambling on like this. I guess I talk so rarely that sometimes things just spill out, haha.
â@@MightyGimp Thank you. I never know how much talking is appropriate so I tend to apologize if I think I might have overstepped a bit.
It's admirable that you try to help!
With these things outside help often doesn't do that much, sadly. In my opinion the important thing is, that there is someone that supports you, someone that tries to understand.
Broken people can't be "fixed", but they can be encouraged to help themselves.
Of course everyone is different and what helps one person might be the wrong thing for the next. I hope I don't sound too preachy or anything.
It's an important topic to me and people (me included) often have the urge to try to help the people they love and care for... but sometimes you just can't do anything, which can be super frustrating and the reason the friendship/relationship fails. I don't want that to happen to anyone else, because I know how much it hurts.
Thank you for the wishes! I'll work hard to accept & start loving myself. It might still be a long way, but I've come so far already.
I hope your partner manages to overcome her demons as well. She is very lucky to have you, you seem to be a very kind and loving person. (you even took the time and energy to encourage a complete stranger, thank you for that!)
It makes me happy to know that she has someone that cares about her and I'm sure in time those deep scars in her soul will fade.
I wish you all the best!
As we prepare to welcome our first baby into the world in a few months, Iâve been processing and exploring my childhood traumas and things I disliked about how I was patented. I feel like I pulled on a sweater string and the more I investigate the more I realize how I unhealthy my childhood was. Itâs amazing how itâs shaped my self image, negative outlook and encouraged shame and self hatred. Iâm so thankful to be processing all of this before our little one comes so I can be more encouraging and supportive as a parent!
Congratulations on the baby :) It took me many years to begin unravelling my âperfectâ childhood and understanding all the disfunction. âRunning on Emptyâ by Jonice Webb really helped me.
It happened to me with my first pregnancy, I can say children are big teachers, listen your baby emotional needs with the heart and go to therapy you'll be a very good parent.
I'm so glad that my mum and dad were awesome parents. A bit strict at times (typical Asians lmao) but loved me and my brother equally. Even after dad died when I was like 7 and we had practically no way of earning money except the funds left over by dad and my uncle sending a little money, we were able to float with little problems because of my mum's incredible skills.
She did get a lot stressed at times and took it out on us, she made sure to never let that fester for days and by the end of the day, we all were happily talking to each other. Now I'm just a few years away from graduating college and will be able to earn enough to give her a comfortable life. I love her.
Conclusion: I need a therapist.
Don't believe in such flawed theory.
Actually such theories are designed and made so that ppl feel there is a problem with that and they seek therapist or may be psychiatrist.
This fuel their money need and these theories are for their benefits not yours.
@@amitrajput6904 I know that feeling, psychiatrists is nothing but the doofus of science, You pay them to make you high, There's an already cheaper alternative for that
@@agentcocoa1328 I don't go to therapy to get high, I go to get some much needed perspective.
@@MLBlue30, exactly... but too bad that not all therapists are able to help or don't want to. I houp you have a good one and they make you feel better:)
Sarah ..I had therapist but found meditation and the app Calm a lot more helpful. It takes some practise but you develop an inner peace and better understanding of yourself and life.đ§ââïžâïž
We need to have more empathy for people who lack certain emotional skills, or came from broken experiences, and just wants to be loved, whole, and embraced as part of the human race.
Fr my family calls me emotionless, coldhearted, etc but tbh i just don't know how to express my emotions lmao
Thank you
Autistic children, ppl who get bullied etc
Unfortunately, difficult people make it difficult to do that. I am in the disorganized pattern (CPTSD). Finally getting real help with an excellent trauma dr. All others were a dismal failure.
even our parents and grandparents, usually broken too, super rewarded or ignored
I am in a weird position. I have a strong attachment to my mother, somehow, I don't feel like i can tell my family anything. I have never talked about my feelings, like literally never. Then my sister got sick when i was 15 and almost died. I know this moment broke me, but I live quiet the good life still. I life a good life with good relationships to family and friends, somehow, i can't really build new deep relations. Physical contact feels especially unnatural to me, except for my niece and nephew.
This video has succefully explained a lot and confused me even more emotianally. 10/10, would watch again.
If you haven't already, have you looked into the autism spectrum as well?
I have Asperger's, which isn't fully understood, but is a mix of genetics and environmental factors, and this video just showed me a bunch of my environmental factors
@@skilganon I've looked into it and talked about it to my family. they made fun of it. I've been scared of seeing a psychologist for years
@@Nesggy Even the rare members of my family that aren't trash were surprised/argumentative (e.g. are you sure?, that can't be true) when I was diagnosed.
I was told by a psychologist to look into getting tested, and as soon as I started discovering what Asperger's Syndrome is, it made perfect sense to me.
I'm still as depressed as ever, but at least I understand better why now. Basically what I'm saying is don't be scared, if you think it might be a possibility, try to find out and best of luck!
@@skilganon I'm not just afraid of getting a diagnosis for Asperger's syndrome. I'm afraid of talking about my feelings, my experiences in life, the relationships, how I'm dealing with depression (even though I'm undiagnosed)
Btw I'm supposed to start therapy sessions but I think I missed the call appointment, I have to restart again and sign up and wait a few more weeks
I feel like your situation is the same as mine, except that I don't have a close relationship to either of my parents.
My child always preferred her father and actually was physically abusive toward me before she reached the age of 2 y.o. No matter what I did, I was never good enough. Her father deserted us when she was a toddler, and our relationship is still distant after 40 years. I just never measured up in her eyes and she never hesitates to let me know. Being a parent is not always the joy and loving relationship we hope for as parents.
Right. Thanks for sharing this.
When I was a child, I was not allow to express my feelings because in my culture, it considered disrespectful or impolite. I am a mother, I allowed my daughter to speak her feelings freely. She and I have a very strong and tight bond. She is 22 years old now. She is disciplined, honest, empathy, compassion, down to earth and has a good working ethic.
Thank you for sharing, Bliss!
Well done for not becoming like your parents. You could have choose the easy route but you ended the cycle there.
Good for her â€
nice. good jobđđ
U deserve your nameâ€ïžâ€ïžâ€ïž
This is why basic child psychology should should be taught in high school or something. Maybe if kids are taught about this, they will keep it in mind when they become parents themselves. This is so important and I wish more people were educated about this.
It is a optional class at my high school! Child development- but it talks about early child-parent relationships and a little about childâs mind / psychology
Sm D wow thatâs great! they should definitely implement it into more schools worldwide
In Finland we can study this:)
@@tammarkt fuck Finland we luv AMERICA
They offer psychology in my high school and of course we delve into child development and all but its just really skimmed over and teens dont pay attention, theyre just there for a grade
It's funny how i was the very positive person and a social butterfly kid at 5 then suddenly flipped into a very negative thing at the age of 9.. I always believed it was the fault of my sibling that came when i was 5 but watching this vid had me on a realization that my siblings did not bother me or even demanded me anything when i were there for him, but my parents actually pushed the responsibility to me because i am the eldest sibling and a daughter at that.
Did i find someone with similar story-
This is me :(
Same hereâŠ
I don't think I'll ever recover from the rage I felt when I realised that some people just get to wake up and live their life as well balanced individuals with the integral life skills already installed but my parents were too busy being angry that the 4 children they chose to have costed money and acted like children so now I'm in therapy and have no idea how to be a person without feeling performative
I hate when parents say "I had it way worse than youâ like that doesnât mean what you do to us doesnât hurt
Edit: omg!! I was not planing on getting this many likes thank you soooo much!
This this this
Exactly, less worse is still bad for a human being, especially a child whose brain is still developing.
Isn't that also really the point of life/generations
To make life easier for the next generation
Yeah :'[
@@captaingalaxy5265 I agree
When he said "to avoid fear he should avoid showing feelings" I felt that
How lucky are we
@@mariatimoteo2462 ha?
same
Now I know why I act the way I act ....
This is why I never/rarely confess how and what I feel, then I remember my childhood a bit, being scolded for little mistake
wow itâs just incredible how this describes my family- growing up, my dad was very abusive, never home and my mom was always busy. Which I understand, he was always working, and drinking during his free time so to me he was emotionally absent. I grew up with my 3 siblings and i. I canât really remember much of my childhood, but all I can sense of it is crying and anxiety. My older (first born) brother basically raised us, we were always around him. As of right now he seems to be doing fine, he has a job, very social, many friends, and surprisingly a high-self esteem. My sister (2nd born) sheâs pretty stable right now, has a job and always goes for what she wants no matter what. Growing up my parents and older brother would constantly bash her on how selfish and moody she was. And then thereâs me (third child) I was known as âobedientâ and âquietâ. I canât really explain everything here, but the outcome perfectly matches me. My self esteem is very low, Iâm in constant fear everyday so I avoid everyone, which is why I have no job, although Iâm only in junior year of hs, I donât do good with relationships in general. Donât worry, Iâm in therapy so Iâll be fine :) I just need time to heal. Last but not least, my little brother (4th born). He was born too early, and he had trouble breathing/other heart problems. Later he was diagnosed with autism, so he spent most of his time in health centers, different schools, doctors etc so he was never really close to us. As of now, heâs very socially anxious, but heâll become better. My little brother (5th child) was born years after everything happened, heâs 7 now, heâs a really happy child, and has a great bond with both my parents. Iâm glad that he got to experience that :) My dad has become a better person now, and Iâm great full for everything he has done but the damage is far done. Iâm still trying to heal, forgive and let go but Itâs hard, It feels as if all Iâm left with is mental illnesses.
It is not an illness, it is a consequence, we cannot go by life labeling everything not ourselves otherwise why bother even looking into yourself if the labels are already there for you? See? Donât buy into these sort of things too deep. Just remember, your therapist is just as human and messed up as you are but in a different way. And a cautious advice I would give you from my experience, the moment your therapist decides to become suggestive as to what you should be doing then he/she is not doing their job or donât know how to do it despite their good intentions. A good therapist only listens and works with that you have to say.
You've just described my early years to an absolute tee. Lost my Dad at two years old. My older brother was ten so although he obviously grieved the new reality did not stop him from forging a successful academic career he was considered the golden boy and the clear favourite whilst myself and my middle brother were left out in the cold. I don't think there's an excuse for poor parenting the damage it has done to me personally is immeasurable. My attachment style is simply anxious!
I made sure I snuggled and interacted with my kids when they were babies. I struggle with my insecure attachment and didn't want them to have the same. I'm not a perfect mom, I just try hard.
you are a good mom : )
Pls continue to do this
It's just ALL about trying hard
Me too đđ
Yeah lady ,awesome good job , its not that hard to be nice and not hurt , keep trying ok đâ
I think one of the most shocking things i learned from my friends was how open some of them were with their own mothers. It just baffled me when i would sit down and listen to a friend talk about how her mom reacted to a picture of her crush or something and i just had to sit there and pretend like my mind was not being blown at the concept of people talking to their parents about things!
Totally can relate!!
Hello!! I am form India đźđł The same situation prevails in my life too. But it's more difficult to face discrimination between son and daughter by a mom. When it's comes the relationships of brother with other girls she won't scold and remain quiet calm. Whereas I am even ask to stay away from any friendship with boys. I feel lack of connection and attachment with my mom. đ¶
I feel envious of these friends đ
Parents do the best they can, they give their 100% even if you feel you only received 5%. Start forgiving, take what you received and now take the responsibility for what you want to become. You can heal your past; it's relieving and you deserve it!
@@rosamarydeayala2314
I've been trying to heal for many years, so.
The video is great, but the comments with people's life experiences and the realisation that I experienced the same thing are what I find most fascinating. Gratitude for your sharing. Amazing, truly!đ
I was brought up in a household with a mother who was emotionally unstable, witnessing a drawn out and violent divorce over years, starting from before I went to school and ending when I severed all ties with her at the age of 15 and moved to living with my dad, whom I have a close relationship with. It's quite sad looking at this and being able to empathise with a lot of what is being said here.
I'd like to believe that, should I have kids, I'd give them the best start in life I could.
This shows how important parents are!!
Dear stay-at-home-mothers (or fathers), DON'T LET ANYONE TELL YOU, YOU AIN'T DOING AN IMPORTANT JOB!!
To the business world you are just anyone. To your children you are EVERYTHING!!!
Hear hear!!
"Mother is god in the eyes of a child" đ
I work with children in school & kindergarden and see the consequences of what happens when the mother abandons her child, .....
(leaves the child every morning, separation anxiety & my colleagues hardly even touch the children and raise their eyebrows everytime I give them hugs or am kind & loving to them, I know the importance of physical touch to infants all the way till the day we die, a child needs minimum 8 hugs a day, 12 is best, it makes them smarter & healthier, and it shouldnt stop there but continue until we die :)
...The Father is very important ofc too, but the mother is most crucial, she is by nature the nurturerer & her body & mind has like a connection to the child unf a father does not as strongly, almost like a psychic connection.
I think that's also one of the reasons they force fathers to take parental leave to force the mother away from the child. They want our children to be raised by the state & serving the state, obedient weakminded communist citizens owned by the state
There are some vicious mothers out there who demand their right to work, at the same time putting their tiny babies in daycare. I've seen a six week old baby dropped off at 7am and picked up at 6.30pm 5 days a week - it broke my heart seeing this. The babies cry all day. Mothers should raise their own children.
I love seeing comments like yours đâ€
Which is why it baffles me that so many women so eagerly ate up the shit sandwich lies of feminism when that misanderic female supremacist movement told them that the key to being happy was to go into competition with half the human race, squander their biological gift of procreation, and become wage slaves and tax hosts for government parasites.
Honestly, this shouldn't be that hard for us to combat:
"Hey ladies, which life would you rather have? Do you want to embrace your feminity, find a good husband, live rent-free in his house, start a family with your gift to create life, and with every smile and hug you get from your children, you'll know they are the verse you have added to the symphony of life... Or would you rather deny and forsake your nature to get a bi-weekly paycheck?"
@@UniqueGeekFreak Concurrently, one of the ten pillars for communism as outlined by Karl Marx when he ghost-wrote _The Communist Manifesto_ for Satan was to destroy the family so that the state could become the universal parent.
@Veg Patch--that sounds good in theory, but how can my wife and I make enough money to pay rent, food, car, insurance (all the must-haves) while keeping our son home everyday? He goes to daycare 5 days a week from 730-415. we keep him home whenever we can. but I work full time, wife works part time plus school full time and all the grandparents work too. I know my case is far from unique so exactly how can you shame parents for simply trying to afford the basics. I mean where do you live or are you just lucky enough to have all those basic things giving you the time to not put your kid in daycare? id love it so much if you had a realistic answer to this, forgive me if im skeptical. you think I like taking my son to daycare that much? I spread out my vacation days just so that I can keep him home with me from time to time. I cant believe youre up there shaming parents for simply surviving the best way we can with the economy we live in? 2 parents working full-time at jobs a little higher than minimum wage is barely enough to raise a family. then school on top of that. What is your answer for this? id really love for you to explain how a mother or father could stay home and still afford all of these things.
"To avoid fear, you must avoid showing feelings"
That hits close to home.
Same, but like how do we reverse this? đđ
I wish I knew
@@Coco_xoxo , I don't think we can đ
@@Coco_xoxo by keeping everything to myself
I'm so used to hiding my feelings that I end up having to fake the right responses in social situations, which is exhausting!
I learned about this while pregnant with my first child and it shaped my parenting all for the better. It was very evident in my professional life as a teacher. What we have done as a society has crippled so many kids especially in the last few years. Early daycare and PreK is emotionally wrecking kids. So they can't focus on learning because their insecurities. Teachers spend more time on behavioral issues than actually teaching.
I'm 16 year old who feels soo insecure and have problems with communicating my two other brothers are even worse than me and like we have this weak personality and i think it's because of our parents, my dad is very aggressive and my mom too like you wouldn't believe it but I never hugged mom for all my teenage years like i feel that it's awkward and idk i just can't go to her and hug her. now i have a little sister she is barely 2 years old and I'm doing everything so she can't have the same problems as me and my brothers; i always hug her and talk to her for hours even tho I don't really get what she says haha and I give her all my love and don't let anyone hurt her even if my dad try to hit her which means that I'd be the one to get hit. I started searching more about how to educate a child and like psychology to know better and make sure she passes this baby stage safe as if she was my own child ( idk why I started crying writing this paragraph haha)
I was shamed and punished when showing emotions and now have an anxious avoidant personality. As an adult my mother blames me for not being emotionally open with her and blames how distant our relationship is on me. I didn't chose how I was parented but I still somehow get all blame...
I know exactly how that feels
The worst is that even other people blame me because I am not âenough emotionally openâ and I donât show my feelings, and this makes me feel bad too. They donât understand how hard it is.
I had to hide and lock up my (mostly positive) emotions in my childhood and teenage years, because my alcoholic abusive father would use them against me. I am 36 years old today and I don't think I'll ever be able to express them freely again. It's just gone.
I know how it feels. I can't express my feeling because of the fear of being judged.
I'm not 100 percent sure what my problems are half the time and when I can pinpoint it my mind somehow finds a way for it to not make sense (for example: when my mom found out I was looking up things about depression she told me I wasnt then said "well was it worth it?" And I got confused and she took all my stuff. Then when I went back and said she did that she said "I would never do that" . I cannot tell if this truly happen or not.) Anytime I tried to hold anyone accountable for anything I would question if it was just me and I was just trying to blame others EVERY SINGLE TIME! I dont know what's wrong with me. I'm very distant from my mom too and she told me very subtlety that it was my fault. Is everything my fault? Idk
So glad my baby boomer parents treated me the way they did so I could spend the rest of my life figuring out why I have so many problems
I don't blame you LOL đ
Lmao yup
Hahaha gave you something to do so you dont get bored, im the same.
What I try to keep in mind is that parents like this didn't really get the chance of having a healthy childhood either, and that translated into their way of taking care of their children. Summing up, it's a domino effect and only stops if you can ackowledge your mistakes, stand up and are ready to correct them. But at the end of the day (I know you may have been through terrible things and I'm sorry about it) don't blame your parents OR yourself. Be ready to make the changes you want, which can only happen in YOU.
deepmarsh saaaaaame.. but weâre just so damn ungrateful đ
Guys , I think I have overgrew my childhood traumas , When I started earning for myself ,I started realising the mindset behind there actions. Not all actions can be justified but yes I am grateful for my Parents for providing for me. Some mistakes was made along the way but the end turns out to be decent . So it's all good for me. As I see them grew old , My heart does ache somewhere. It's my turn to take care of them and I will do my duty towards them honestly. Every one has their own demons to fight but you just need to overcome them not always fight them , just let it go . All the very best to all of you.
Thanks for sharing your part:)
I recently lost the only remaining person I was attached to. I'm scared to explore, which is not at all me. When she was there, I didn't fear anything except losing her, now that I've lost her, I'm fearing everything else. Wishing for courage and strength. đđœ
Iâm sorry for your loss đ
I think that, any parent who has âfailedâ their children, was also failed by their own parents, as a child. Itâs a terrible cycle. Our parents are not the superheroes we once coveted them to be, they are mere mortals with human flaws. Most parents, do the best they can with what theyâre mentally equipped with. If a Mother is anxious avoidant, she will love her children in the same manner. Not because sheâs cold and calloused but bc that is her truest perception of maternal love. Once we understand this, we can develop compassion for our parentâs shortcomings, heal ourselves from early trauma and eventually break that generational curse from being passed down to our children đ
The best part of being a parent is not doing the unwanted things our parents did! :)
Carmen Sampson True indeed! I donât have any children yet but my driving force for healing & therapy was telling myself everyday that the curse stops with me! My daughter will never endure an ounce of the family-tied trauma, I did growing up. Not if I have anything to to with it.
@@pink_cyan2396 I totally agree with you. Its a sad cycle. At some point the cycle must be broken...to me...if you know what abuse feels like..why abuse?
I donât think itâs that easy. My biological father had a normal childhood. Nothing special. His sister (2 years older) turned out great. Still he did some things that no parent should do. You canât blame everything on their own parents. Sometimes itâs the person themselfs.
That was very kind and wise of you.
I always hated myself for being jealous of my friends who could talk to and act around their parents like they were best friends
mng mng OMG same my mom always told me that fear is the best way to control a kids behaviour.She would beat us and then she reminded me that she was not my best friend. African culture is the worst
Chicken yâknow I was only attached to my dad but after for a few or soo year, when my dad didnât came back and I heard about his true colour, I was betrayed, I was forsaken and the same guy that I call him a âfriendâ not just any ordinary friend, but my first best friend, since that I started to hear my mom and my dadâs brother to the phone, and it hurts me to see my dad becoming sooo hostile towards other and how shit he was, and that was the time I lost my only friend, a friend I could look up to, a friend that taught me to love others, respect others, be humble and to love God, now seeing him like this is sad to the point that Iâve started to change, my academic progress is starting to get disruptive as everytime I wasnât as optimistic as before and I started to get depressed overtime (which happenened before) and then I started to envy my friends and everyone around me, cuz how talented and worthy they are, I started to find myself my own spot but alas it ended up having a feud with one of my friends and that I hurted one of my bestfriend, to the point he cried in his house for 3 days straight, but it was obviously my fault and once we get to confront each other, I couldnât tell him the reason of my insecurities, he might think thatâs bs or stuff like that, regardless we did manage to be friends again, but the feeling of it still remains
You have to reach out....orl3se they won't recognize you l9ve them back
You have to open up ..,trust me they are getting old and aren't engeritic anymore....
Every relationship aren't preferct
All have problems ...u should prioritize ,let go nd understand them
I know it's hard trust me u wouldn't wanna regert it later that u didn't spend enough time with them
Just open up while u can...just go for it.
@@varalakshmi4243 i like the way you type
Can relate, my friend has the nicest mom and dad while me over here pretending I do
The worst thing for me is that my cousin talks to my dad more freely than I have ever did. I grew up being scolded, yelled at and probihited to show any emotions or explaining myself. I have to listen and accept even the false accuses my family make on me. My parents were so busy when I was younger, they barely spend time with me and most of the time I live with grandparents. I then have a sister and gosh this is when I do everything alone, by my self, just playing on my own. My parents, my grand parents from both sides had a lot of verbal fights, my dad is so aggressive destroyed objects, even now my grandmother destroy things too... I have to hear loud arguements growing up. It's terrible. That drives a disconnection between me and my own family, I'm so scared to be around them and they scold me for that, saying I'm the reason for the heavy atmostphere at home.
And now I'm such a failure, suffering with anxiety, depression, and ADHD. I cant focus at school, I cant focus on anything and those terrible memories just comes and toturing my brain at any moment.
I did think of suicide a lot, I still am, but since I am under 18 so if I die my family might get in trouble.
So iI'll just wait. Turning 18 in April next year.
It will get better. For most of us it will. â€ïž
Start going for walks, getting sun, make a friend or two if you can, hang out with a friend more than at home. If that doesnt make you happy and you still have bad thoughts, then have an adult talk to you.
Suicide is not the answer to your problem. It simply becomes a justification to those that didnât appreciate you. A way to justify themselves. Be stronger, you can do this my friend. How many people live in this world??? Billions! You are not alone đ there is indeed purpose for you around the corner!
On a side note, I had been in the same hole as you. What I realized after so much thinking inside and out, is that yes, I have been affected emotionally and I havenât been able to learn to regulate those emotions, but when I tried to get better things seem to invariable take me back to square one, thatâs when I realized that not only the development of my ind had been affected but my body as well, therefore the chemical functions that pertain to our emotional regulation has also been damaged. What you need is to rebuild your dopamine levels, thru exercise, sun light, if you live in a cloudy or cold area adopt a diet that Scandinavians for instance or other people living in depressing weather conditions do, for instance you will find that a 2 ounce shot of fish oil every morning can start working wonders, or that taking sun when you wake up or some sort of light that enhances your mood for 10 minutes at least before you begin your day helps, a âhappy lightâ if there is no light. The light must be received with eyes open, not crazy open just your normal routine or being awake, perhaps read while you do this. Another thing that will be a game changer for you is to take Lionâs mane mushroom, they sell capsules of it. But you can also buy the whole thing but mushrooms are a more concentrated in capsule form. This mushroom is edible and not hallucinogenic. And allergy wise you will be safe unless of course mushrooms are your enemy. What the mushroom does is help you focus, it doesnât change anything in you, it simply focuses and relaxes you so you may actually be able to use whatever potential you have available at the moment and keep growing. I would take it before work or school a couple of capsules. I buy it from a label called Host Defense. I gave you the name so you can tell the dosage Iâm taking from the label in terms of grams. Another good thing for your immune system with all this crazy business of making people sick for profit nowadays turkey tail mushroom when you feel your immune system down, it works wonders, if really sick take 8 pills for a week twice a day. And you will see that on the third day you start feeling the effects. Just like with any natural medicine it often takes longer for our body to assimilate them because they are not synthetic.
And last but not least, self affirmations, do them mentally and loud as loud as you feel comfortable, but do them when you are struggling to not give up, they come in handy then, do them at night, before bed to rewrite your own story. I have found that self affirmations seem to work best when I run to almost exhaustion and right at that moment as test for me to go the extra mile and donât give up I start self affirming my superiority over my current self.
You're free to do whatever you want. đ€·đ»ââïž
This made me feel so much better after being abandoned by my mother as a kid I was terrified I would be a bad mom myself but my oldest is 7 and just goes right in when I have to drop her off anywhere she always like see you later I feel like Iâm doing something right now thank you
My parents NEVER told me "I love you" so whenever someone tells me ily I feel super awkward and weirded out like tf is this,, also when I hear my friend's parents being too nice with them it just feels wrong
Blinky I feel your pain. it's better now but I remember several times when I was younger I tried to say "love you" to my dad and he responds with "like you a bit / you're not so bad yourself " etc as joking because he is naturally dry sarcastic humour and at times I wanted to hear it n it hurt a little I wasn't even that young but still left a mark
I'm the same if someone says "I love you " not that anybody really does. I know this guy online who seems smitten with me I don't believe it tho and he called specifically to say that and j got angry and said he's wasting my time I need to go.
if anyone does I just don't believe them or don't respond it's barely in my vocabulary
I'm and I sadly autistic but haven't had any support with it hardly so I've kind of just accepted fate now to say it's been a hard journey would be an understatement so I can relate to what you're saying
I don't think that there is much hope for me to be anythung more than a hermit and hopefully I'll manage to not go broke
@@vvelvettearss im sorry to hear that :(
I can relate. I can only think of one time when my mom said it. I won't let myself get emotionally attached to anyone, except for one person. (I'm glad I see my counselor again next Wednesday! She is wonderful!)
That is so sad, Iâm so sorry to hear that. Thereâs a man in our town (super sweet old guy who runs the pharmacy) and he keeps these little sheets of paper on him. He hands them out to everyone, and they say âsmile, I love you and God loves youâ
We run a produce stand and I taped the one he gave me to our counter so that folks who might need to see that can â€ïž
Yeah my childhood was actually good and affective but my parents rarely say "i love you" so for me it's embarrassing too
"frequent eye contact"
me who hasn't looked my dad straight in the eye for a majority of 17 years of my life: đđđ
That's so accurate and relatable đ
Yeah, sitting at the same room not talking about anything
same, I don't even call him dad anymore, we're just roomates
Huhu. It's hard..
i just logged in again on this acc and im so sad that a lot of u are relating to this T__T it will get better
When I was in high school we had to take care of an egg, signed by the teacher in ink, we even had to pay someone to babysit if we went to the mall or a movie. We dressed our eggs and some painted faces on them. We had to keep it safe at all costs. Another high school actually had baby dolls that would cry etc at random times. It didnât really teach you parenting skills but it taught responsibility.
Wow this explains a lot about peoples personalities. Science makes me think souls are really not a thing. I grew up in a broken home where my parents constantly argued, they separated, then I barely seen my dad. Because of this result I have a hard time letting go, showing my emotions, communicating, building relationships, and I really donât know who or what I am at times. I know people can not heal me and only I can heal myself
I heard a great quote when I was young. "The way you are now is your parents fault. If you stay that way, it's your own fault". life changing.
Meh, harsh and way over simplified. I am glad you weren't damaged enough to understand. Understanding one needs help, going through the process of finding the right help and then the arduous process of discovery and moving through it is for the lucky person. Not easy and not quick.
@@dbbj4205 yeah itâs not as good as some think it is. Itâs more complicated than that.
harsh and toxic, it is not easy to change. Not your fault if you don't change, it's very difficult.
It really is
@ally but sadly most of adults problems now in career, relationship etc was began bcs their "undone bussiness issue on their childhood/teenager bcs of lack treats of their parents"
Is incredible how anyone can become a parent and shape the life of other people, that's a huge responsability and most people take it as a game.
Ikr my parents raised me completely horribly..i am 15. I have commitment issues despite not even having my first relationship. I am pretty positive that i don't want a child, not because i don't want it, but because I don't want add another person with miserable life to this world, I've had enough and it ends now and here with me.
You are SOOOOO correct!!
yeah, they take it as a game in society, where not getting married and settled and not having children is looked at weirdly. so many people here just do it to stop society's whisperers from getting to them.
@@Aiibh i felt like that also 100%. Then I'm 1990, on my father's 50th birthday, he shot my mom to death and then himself. Husband and I changed our life plan and added a daughter. I'm so soooo glad we made that decision. It was my way to change generations of destruction and add a blessing to this world. And my girl was a Navy medic, served with Marines at Camp Jejune, and she's now a registered nurse.
I think the craziest thing is people just making children out of wedlock and just straight up abandoning them. I couldn't imagine being such pos
As someone who was abused emotionally and physically my whole childhood I cannot make eye contact with people or start/hold a conversation. I'm extremely insecure and used to have severe breakdowns, which I got better at controlling thanks to my now boyfriend who I appreciate. I often question who I really am as a person and I don't really go outside or socialize. I don't really know how to socialize like a normal person, I usually wait for someone to talk to me first if I do. I don't have any friends as a now 21 year old but to be honest too many people make me feel drained, I'm just glad to have my boyfriend who is my safe space, I wouldn't give him up for anything in the world, he's what I needed in my life and I am so thankful. I'm 8 months pregnant now and I refuse to be like my parents, who I was scared of and neglected by, even malnourished. I will give my son the best childhood that I never had, no child deserves to go through abuse.
Iâm 52 and my mom went back to work when I was six weeks old. She sent me to a grandmother-type babysitter and TO THIS DAY finds it âso interestingâ that I would cry and scream and fuss when she came to pick me up. Well lady, maybe because she took care of me all day and I didnât want to come home with you, a stranger? Ironically, her name was Mrs. Smith. She watched me for three years and Iâm pretty sure this is why I donât have a âmaternalâ relationship with my mom. Did a lot of work in my 20s to undo the âdamageâ and Iâm happy, healthy, and have been in a wonderful marriage for 23 years. Never had kids though as I figured I would unwittingly be like my mom. I know better now, but I didnât want to risk screwing up a child.
Those things seem screwed up. You must be a really good person
Watching this with my 9mo son plays beside me and he looks up and smiles at me. Iâm gonna do it as best as I can baby boy đđ€
Please take care of him. My mother destroyed me.
@@j4r3d29 How?
envy beats By being neglectful. Abusive, both mentally and physically. And marrying bad men who hurt me.
Cheering on youđđđđ
Mista J That sounds like a really destructive environment!! Is there anyway you can get out of it or ask someone for help? No one should be treated that way!
is there any parent actually watching this?? If so you've my huge respect thank you.
Edit: Had to edit this.. Never once I thought there would be so many parents actually watching this.. Gives me hope for a better future. And all you mommys and daddys you go guyss... You're strong, powerful and beautiful. For those parents having it hard sending you all love and support.. Thank you
What if theyâre watching this after already ruining the childâs life? Does your huge respect still apply?
@@happyemoji6553 i think yes cuz atleast they're trying to be better towards their kids... Even after all the hurt they do if they correct their mistakes and apologize to their kids then it'll help the kids.. Yes my huge respect still remains if they're watching this realize their mistakes and understand their child better.. And if they're watching this just to mock their child again they don't deserve that child.. And they're no different from other parents who sucks
My son is 7 months old. My mom died of cancer when I was 14, I watched her suffer. After that, my dad became abusive towards me and our family fell apart. A bunch of other stuff happened too but point being...I know I have a lot of emotional and mental baggage and I donât want to push that onto my son. So Iâm trying to educate myself to be a better mother and break the cycle of a broken home and heart.
@@sarahryan422 i love you.. Plzz take care.. I'm sure your son will be very proud of you and you have my huge respect
Parent of a two year old here :)
I am a minor and a middle sister. My parents are quite toxic and are always defensive, I feel insecure about my older sister who, as a way of coping, pretends to have no emotions and isolates herself
I consider myself the mother of my younger sister, and it is very difficult for me to be in this position (since I'm still learning to take care of myself, I'm not able to take care of her and still take care of the house)! Her attachment style is anxious ambivalent and mine is anxious disorganized
I just hope i might be able to get her a better childhood than mine
â€ïž itâs amazing what you are doing!
@@sprouts OMG thank youuu!!! ;D â€ïž
Well I hope they ain't abusive. I have no clue what I'd do unless you move out or ultimately get a boyfriend that you talk to about this stuff or friend in general
@@connergalles7106 well they are a bit, my father is physically and my mother verbally- Thank you for taking the time to answer me, i appreciate it!! I am get involved with good trustful people who help me, i'll manage all this :)
You're so sweet, I wish I could be a better sister myself. Wish you the best
I'm enrolled on a play therapy course and the more learning I'm doing the better understanding of myself I have. This is going to be such a great journey for me, the children I support and ultimately my future children. Hurt people, hurt people. I loved this video :)
One thing I love about this video is it shows you donât have to have horribly abusive parents to grow up and have issues stemming from childhood. Having an overworked yet well-intentioned parent can be enough.
That's the worrying thing. I am trying to do the best for my child, I am in now way abusive and have the best intentions but I feel I question whether my actions are negatively affecting him and therefore my parenting doesn't flow naturally .. even if you mean well, you can easily get it wrong :(
@@donnagryniewicz5318 I donât feel as though Iâm in a place to give advice or accurately critique, Iâm an 18 year old kid in college. That said by informing yourself and evaluating your actions in order to better care for your child I feel you are taking the best course of action to ensure their development is healthy.
@@donnagryniewicz5318 I am not a parent but one thing I have come to understand is that if the intentions stem from love and that love is shown which is genuine acceptance for who they are but also correcting them when they are wrong is appropriate and needed. Showing lot of love and care most of the times and tough love when required is the what parents should do. Its that balance that might keep a person from becoming one of the extremes of entitled/ self unaware or emotionally inept and with low self esteem.
â@Anki d you should be a parent, you will do great! :)
@@parittramandal2797 Thanks! hope so.
Wow. does anyone else feel upset or down-right mad over getting something you had no control of, or is it just me?
Ya boy Roy Not just you. I was so angry for 3months I could barely function.
I could. In other times, maybe. But now, after many years, after seeing my best dreams and ambitions destroyed and made impossible, I realize that life is like a card game: you are dealt a hand and must play. Some get a good hand, other get a very bad one and have no chance to win. All we can do is play as good as we can, do our best with what we got and see if we can at least earn something. No use in getting angry and complaining, it doesn't help and makes things even worse. We rather try to prevent others from getting similar handicaps. And it saddens me seeing the world today, with the very important family values being destroyed, single mothers, children poorly assisted, divorcing parents. All those people who don't know and cannot understand the importance of a functional family. Because they didn't feel the lack, they don't realize and don't know what they received from their parents and therefore diminish their importance and act irresponsible. And there those, having lacked the benefits of a functional family, don't get to realize its importance because they don know what they missed. As it goes, we will have a lot of company in the future.
Ya boy Roy fun fact: if you make a conscious effort, you can change your attachment style. Iâm no expert, but you can definitely look up videos/articles on how to do it
i feel so mad
Nope, you are not alone
*Those of you who have normal parents should be thankful. My mother was very abusive when I was a child. She used to beat me severely even for small mistakes. There was never a day when she did not miss beating me. Not so, she often insulted me badly in front of other people. Today I have grown up and learned to understand everything. We don't talk to each other unless we have to. Just seeing his face and hearing her voice now reminds me of the old words and makes me lose my temper. Today I am an introvert and do not mix with people very easily. Low confidence level and no girlfriend yet. But hopefully something better will happen in the future.*
That's insane. You must be a good and strong person by definition if you have gone through something like that
I feel deeply sorry for the things you had to go through. I wish you the best â€
actually my parents gave me a lot of love. my mother ALWAYS reacted immediately, also when i moved out at 18 i could call her any time. now at 25, first time living alone and not in sharehouses and in quarter life crisis, this is getting back to me in other relationships and myself. i noticed i need social contact and immediate care to feel comforted (because that is what i always got, my mechanism). in therapy i'm learning to strenghten my inner adult that takes care of myself and to not let the inner child cry out so loud and desperately for love because i always fall back into it.
we all need love! i grew up with it and when it gets less (no bf, worries, living alone) you cling to any person you can find that gives you a little bit of that. it's normal human needs!
While this comment section is sad, it is also lovely how kind everyone is being to one another. Now that is unusual on the internet.
I agree. Thank you AndreastheRed, for writing this!
Is easier to empathize when we share a common kind of pain
Home of the blues!!
We are more alike than we are not.
It's a circle-jerk of crybabies. Nothing new there.
Now, tell us how to fix ourself?
one way is by practicing new habits.
@@sprouts make new video on this please
My answer to fix oneself is to understand which of the examples best characterizes the self individually. If you look at yourself positively, continue being so and learn more things to keep you in such a state. Do not worry about your down days, they come and they go. Choose to be positive as best you can. If you feel more negative, realize that what you feel you lack is indeed within reach. You may have lots of negative emotions, but all those emotions are simply energy in motion. Yes, they may be used to fuel negative thoughts, or they can fuel your creativity. You can use that overwhelmingly negative energy to draw, to make music, to exercise, to write poetry, anything that requires energy, you can use negative emotion to fuel. This also goes for those who feel in the midrange between positive and negative. In short, how one uses their energy determines the actual end result. If anything, do not deny your negative thoughts, use the energy that they bring to accomplish anything, even small things that give you a sense of accomplishment.
'Boundaries' book by Henry Cloud is interesting self help book. The "Love Yourself" is a vague thing, I agree. How about defining it like this: "How much self care am I operating?". People who are secure and OK are operating self care, e.g. diet, safe sex, exercise, saying when annoyed, speaking out about being taken advantage of to stop it, avoiding toxic people when they know from experience what it leads to, Faith like yoga or Buddhism or Church?, going out to see people, reading, .... Just generally, if we can't define 'Love Yourself', we can define the manifestation of it by our level and commitment and consistency of Self Care. That was what I thought about that measures it. Hope these help ; ) K
We did make a video on Habit Change: czcams.com/video/vdo0h3DQQmw/video.html Hope its of any help here.
Iâm speechless. I knew my parents had something to do with the way I am, but I never realized it was this way⊠My mom would shut me up whenever I cried, or tried to say something against her. She started giving more attention to my brother when he was born, and started deliberately showing less love towards me, because as she says âIf I gave you too much love, you were less respectful and didnât listen to meâ. My dad wouldnât really let me express my opinion, and often would say âyouâre too little / young to argue with thisâ.
Now, when people tell me they canât tell if Iâm happy or sad, because I show no emotions whatsoever, when my friends say I show no reaction or emotion to what they say. When Iâm doing a bungee jump and canât scream to let it out nor understand what Iâm feeling. When my boyfriend tells me I show no love, I look careless when in reality I care a lot, I sur canât show it. When my mom hugs me and I canât show the love back and feel weird every time. When Iâve never said âi love youâ to my parents in my life. And, finally, when my own mom says Iâm selfish and never show empathy to her and others - well, now I know itâs not me being built the wrong way.
I really love my parents and theyâve changed over the time. I donât blame them because theyâve been through a lot. Mom was forced to get married at 20 and had never seen any love from her mother that all she did was beat my mom; dad had never seen real love from his own dad. But knowing the reason, I know what to work on; I have the power to change the âchainâ of many of my ancestors having done the same thing over an over again, just because thatâs all they knew. I got beaten a lot too and never seen love, but thatâs not an excuse for me to do the same for my kids.
(This comment is just thoughts that I had after watching the video and wanted to write them down, but in case someoneâs seeing this, I hope youâre okay and know that you have the power to change everything â€ïž)
So easy to understand and helpful! The description of anxious/avoidant hit SO close to home. Thank you!
Parenting should be a compulsory course for pregnant couples. Even it's their 4th child etc
I'd argue especially if it's their 4th child etc. I don't think people with more children equates to being better parents. In my case, being the 3rd child was very strenuous on my development because my parents weren't able to adequately juggle all of the responsibilities of properly raising that many children well simultaneously.
that woudl only work in sweden or canada, since the governments there are culturally fitting a completely different role. Government in America is regarded as a simple societal cog, where in other countries their considered to be the backbone of society.
Well said
Parenting courses would probably help but the most important thing is the education to the self. This means we need to learn how our backrounds affect our behaviors. Then work on any unresolved issues so we don't pass them all on to the next generation.
Instead of teaching parents how to feed and change a nappy they should be taught the important things. Parenting classes at the beginning of every stage of the childâs life.
I wish I could go back in time to my childhood, to fix the moments that will effect the rest of my life.
same đ„
You don't have to go back in time to fix these things. 'Cause you can start taking control of yourself now and decide if these things will still affect you or if you'll become more than what you are right now ;)
Same and I'm barley 18
Same
Maybe with hypnosis
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR MAKING AND SHARING THIS VIDEO. It explains so much about myself and so many people I know and have known in the past.
Our parents were always by our side, even our grandfather was so very loving. They never preached but demonstrated. I still remember my mother working hard day n night along with entire household chores n cooking, she took care of grandfather who was polio victim n bed ridden grandmother. We had several guest my paternal aunt n kids too during their long vacations. Father used to give entire pay to mom to run d house. Yet v all were cheerful n happy. She managed the fund excellently, we were also put to dance n drawing classes. Mom n dad donât know how but each time as they used to leave did managed to get new clothes for all of them.
After experiencing all this we r able to sacrifice for our family to any extent, this gives us immense joy.
I'm 67 years old. I've never been married (and never even had a decent "healthy" relationship). I have no children. My father was a sexually abusive alcoholic. My mother was an angry, screaming neurotic (and lived in total denial as to what my father was doing). It was only a few days ago that I even heard of RAD. This explains a LOT about me and my life. I don't know whether to be happy or sad to learn about it. My entire life, I have never known love. I fill my days doing charity work, then come home to my little house and seven cats. (Go ahead and laugh; I know I'm a living stereotype.) Still, they are the only living creatures I can love, yet I dread the day when each one of them will die. Every night, when I'm lying alone in the dark, I think about suicide. At least then the painful voices and memories will stop. If it weren't for my cats, I would kill myself tomorrow. As I said, I'm 67 years old. It's too late for me, but at least now I have a name for why I am what I am.
Oh sir/ma'am, Im extremely sorry for what happened to u. Im 18 years old girl. I had a terrible childhood too. I cannot focus on my work bc of some shit going on in my life. I feel u. I won't blame you for you realized things lately. Its okay. I don't think so you are living a bad life. Its incredibly beautiful. People like us can understand each other bc we are going thru same stuff.
Wish u all the best!!!
I'm so sorry.
i am sorry! i wont laugh at you. there are lot of people wont. i see you are a good lady who has a big heart for people and cats. you are important to them :)
Oh my gosh, my heart absolutely breaks for you because I can feel such pain in every word you express! Iâm so sorry you had to grow up with parents like that
It's never too late. Never. Think of discovering this information as your starting point
Friends are family you choose for yourself.
You've likely got lots of living left, if you don't decide to end it early. Keep learning, keep volunteering, put your newfound knowledge in practice.
Wow. I watched this for my kids and ended up learning about myself.
You are an amazing parent đ
@@AllMusicRelated Thank you!
@@jenkinskatrina966 you are actually a great parent for actually giving some time from your life into learning and becoming a better parent, most parents don't even bother to watch and learn about parenting and get over with the "these are for those who will have children soon", "parents always know the best and do the best for their children" and "these are just biased things to make our children brats and create distance from us" mentality and children will watch them and learn to become better parents in future
Amazing feeling to find your thoughts being reflected in another's words.
That is because we are all children. Just old children, still trying to make sense of our complex early lives.
Excellent information for us in all stages of raising our child/children!
It really hits home, of how vulnerable I have become throughout the years, turning away and creating boundaries before me. I lost the sense of trust, love, hope and the knowledge of maintaining relationships and depending on someone.. I have become a person which I never thought I would be and I hate myself for that. Seriously, I don't know what will happen of me. All the things I have faced, have made me hate the idea of love, trust or even a friendship in life. I don't believe in love now and even if I had a partner in future, not knowing how to 'live peacefully' with a family member scares me. I just think I would extinct soon.
This is one of many reasons why I refuse to get married in early 20s. Most of my acquaintances make jokes about how miserable you are if you are still single or not having plan in getting married soon before the age of 25. I'll be 24 next March 2019 yet have no interest yet in marriage because there are a lot of things I consider, including parenting. I have traumatic childhood, witnessed abusive things from my parents, brother. I get scared every time I think about it. So, in this time of my life, I only want to fix myself first before I commit to live together and build family with other person.
That's a very responsible plan.
I wish you all the luck
@@kuramakenshin4209 thanks! â€
I will be 30 this year and I still have no desire to get married nor have children.
@@evanmarshallryanfemali7725 because it's all about the personal decision and don't let other dictate you what to do. đȘ
I wish i could but my past means ill probably die in my 60s or 50s
One of my biggest struggles is being a mom and a boss. It has drawn me to realize how invaluable time with my child is. My company is not worth a fraction of the time with my kid. I'd hate for her to think her nanny is her safe space because mom was too busy handling other people's needs. This video was extremely informative. Thank you.
I'm a nanny and that's a frequent thing mentioned in our nanny conversations at the park. We often wonder why people have children, since they just hand them over to us and barely see them.
@@annarawlings6841 I could list many reasons, none of them justifiable:
1. The comfort of a high income;dual income home is difficult to swap for a lower income standard of living.
2. The love for one's job and the the thrill and reward for advancement.
3. Societal pressure not to look like a failure.
None of these reasons are good, because essentially you're selling time with your child.
I'm praying to sell my company one of these days.
Edit: I do go home very early, which is such a blessing. Although I still work from home, but at least she's there with me and I can take her to her extra mural activities and perform them with her. It's difficult but necessary and an absolute pleasure.
Thank you for doing the job you do. I hope you love that child as if he or she is your flesh and blood.
I am on maternity leave and scared to go back to office! Watching all these videos make me anxious!!
@@disha1456 You'll be okay â„ïž Children become attached to working mamas as well. Just be present when you're with your kid â„ïž
@@justtam321 Yeah I agreeâŠpresent at the moment đŻđŻ
57 year old here. Always struggled with permanent anxiety over just avbout every challenge in life. Recently began to learn about attachment theory, and it all makes sense now. I never had any meaningful relations i my life, because I understand that Im just scared ,disorganized and have too low self esteem to even consider being acceptet just like anybody else.
I read books about cPTSD, it made no difference. I tried meditation-to no avail. Have read hundreds of self help books starting at age 19 -dident change anything. Im just so tired ...so exhausted ... so hopeless ... Nothing I do changes anything, exept for a brief moment after the daily long walik in the woods, when I actually experience a moment of clarity and calmness before it all starts again.
Looking back at my life, its all clear now. Attachment theory is real. The pain is real, the isolation is real. Its a Life barely worth living in all the very real suffering and regret. I tell myself its not my fault that I was born into this world with very little support and no love. Now Im constantly watching my mind that tell me all day long - Its worth not living anymore to escape the pain and more days filled with pain to come, one after another. Im out of options and willing to give up the fight
joe is totally my case when i was child growing up i always have trust issue and always want hide myself .Teenage was worst however i was able to be independent on my own which result in distance between my parent and me .I have grown to be more sensitive and trigger easily emotionally. After lot of courage i have figured out to know who i really am ..Parents are always like because i love you but do exactly opposite of what they should.
My parents never said " I love you " or has kissed me or never let me show my emotions(not to mention my house itself is abusive) . They would think I was weak or something nor even bothered to understand what i was saying . So when I see other kids' parents do all these things it makes me feel weird or really surprised. So basically I grew up to be emotionally vulnerable and could not even express my feelings half the time ,which ultimately lead to breaking up with my boyfriend. Now I'm trying focus on my issues and trying to be a little better day by day
All the best Malavika đâ€ïž
Unfortunately a lot of people have dealt with this behavior from their parents. They were taught this by their parents. I encourage you on your recovery from a "less than nurturing" environment. Two 12 step groups have been helpful to me ACA and CoDA. I wish you the best. I'm also grateful we live in a time when we can work on our family of origin issues and starrt to heal so we don't pass it on to the next generation.
Saaaaame!! My mother was awful. Sheâs dead now and I miss her but then Iâm like, why? She was a horrible mother. She doesnât deserve to be missed. She screwed my sister and I up for life.
Weâre your parents Klingons? My parents were the same way.
I am also facing the same issue from my parents now I also trying to solve the issue day by day .i wish u all the best malavika
Watching this during the quarantine. Itâs been hard working from home with a toddler and this gave me a wake up call to be a better mother while Iâm at home. đą
Glad to hear that! Itâs damn hard. Be strong! You are the most important person in someone elseâs life.
Hey give yourselve a break your doing the best you can.... no worries
Self awareness is key.
please do your best to make your child a secure person , may god protect both of you!
hang in there Mama you're not alone
Thanks to this precious content, i realized myself as an Anxious and Ambivalent type. And the whole story literally looks like my family but a mother of three children.
It's taken me 24 years to realize the rippling effect of my little sister's sickness and death. How it affected my mom and inadvertently turned me into who I am today because she couldn't be there for me because my sister needed her more. I dont begrudge it. I just wish that stuff like this had been around to help the adults in my life recognize it, instead of just labeling me as a "sensitive and difficult child". I know I'm still felling the effects of not knowing how to process her death and having to coax my inner child out so we can heal together.
When people in the comment section are more âfamilyâ than your actual family lol
đ đ
đ„° sending you love!
Good news. We get to choose our family. Bloodline not necessary. It took me a long, long time to "get" that. Glad I did because my sister's and brothers from other mothers are the best family I could have hoped for growing up.
So you dont have a family Man.
I was a securely attached till experiencing continuous abandonment by my 'friends' in primary School. Sometimes it's not the parents that break us but other kids
or our exhusband
This is true..
same here, i don't trust nobody now
I wondered that too.
This is my fear for my daughter
As a social worker, i see these patterns all the time but the HOPE is we can change these patterns and learn to connect and attach with ourselves and others. It takes work but it is not hopeless!
I wish I felt so safe supported and empowered in my own family, that I never had to beg for love from romantic relationships. I feel completely alone at times, thinking how I lacked emotional fulfillment and support from my mother, but also faced molestation by my dad. I feel like my family life was just a lie and I am actually just alone in this world. Itâs so difficult to let go of the feeling pf betrayal by your own parents
Read asper Kanojo and call of the night
Go back in your childhood to hug and comfort that kid you were. Use your imagination to see your adult self talking with love to that child easing any stress. It will add tones of relief â€ïž
tried that,it makes it worse
An admirable advice. It didn't work for me. I have tried to meet "him". It hurts to a point where words become completely useless. I always run as soon as I "spot" him.
@@chinamonkee1478
â€ïžđ
@@justdev8965 I really felt that response. The little one running away needs to be âcaughtâ and just held until they calm down. No words necessary. Just a firm loving embrace. Iâve been there. An indescribable feeling is waiting on the other side of that. đ
@@akc1739 thoughts cause emotions. You created a beautiful picture and you made even me feel sweetness. That child you were also, I bet â€ïž
Actually this is a really great insight into why Paid Parental Leave is so important. -at least for the first year. It would be cost effective in the long term to Governments, because having children and adults who are emotionally stable is better for society in both employment and personal relationships, less work for police and costs to welfare, education, justice and health systems. Of course it also allows the opportunity for secure bonding between mother/father and baby, which is such a wonderful time of parents life, without having the stress of financial hardship. A NZ perspective anyway.
That was my first thought after watching this video. I now live in the UK which has quite generous parental leave but I used to live in the US where I knew plenty of women who were back in work just two to four weeks after giving birth with their baby in full time day care! When people ask how come Americans are so f'd up I always tell them about the lack of paid time off for parents and the awful day cares over there, these two things have damaged two generations at least of Americans.
@@Angora573 Yes that sounds pretty sad really, you might wonder what the point of having children was!!! No chance to establish breastfeeding which is great for baby's health, secure attachment and bonding. Going back to work 2-4 weeks after birth must be bad for the mothers health too as this should be a joyous time in a new parents life. I know its a reality these days for people to stay afloat financially. UK n NZ new parents are lucky in that respect
NZ only has 6 months of paid leave though, used to only have 3 until not long ago. Early childcare is the most expensive in the OECD and most centres are sub-par compared to the European ones.
I'm a European living in NZ so I don't compare NZ to the States for example, that's the lowest bar to compare yourself to. The people here also don't know how to express themselves properly and quality communication skills are non existent. Poor mental health is a public health issue and to top it all the parents these days seem to have a child-centered approach to raising their kids. I've never seen this many mothers stay at home until kids go to school, putting immense pressure on the father to provide which is so time and energy consuming the kids can't possibly benefit fully from their presence. Children also have really poor literacy and numeracy skills and I could go on but that's off-topic.
@@Angora573 UK system only works for people with good jobs , usually two parents , many poor paid families can't afford good childcare still ,it's not readily available in all! Areas
I'm from India,my friend asked for leaves for Honeymoon. Manager (we call team leader, a mamager, jk *we're aked to call tl a
manager*) rejected becuase of work load (bcos tl incentive was on stakes).
What amazed me so much about my kids is that they always want to be with me at all times, even when their mom is present, and that make me to believe that they are feeling great attachment to me.
There is absolutely NO REASON for you new, young parents to fail. What I would have given to have this info at my fingertips 18 years agođ I really missed the mark.. I'll always hate myself for that , but there were no tools available. Doing the absolute best I can with changing my parenting style, and breaking generational recall.. I failed with my 3 oldest.. (not in all senses, they are all honor students) it's the emotional/behavioral aspect I failed on. And to think I always thought I did my best.. but this extremely informative video has helped me with my 6 and 3 year olds
This channel is gonna make me one hell of a good father someday
Niiice
No coz he's too busy making videos
I bet you'll still put your baby in daycare though
Veg Patch daycare is not at all bad, it depends on the care provider, also I love Amy's like smoke lioness was a great album
Saad - Letâs hope. The problem is...so many people go into parenting truly believing they are prepared, but as soon as youâre in the midst of it, you donât recognize the mistakes until later. Thatâs the trouble with perspective. Itâs easily lost. I experienced a horrific childhood, and while I did not repeat this with my child, I did make mistakes that I was entirely unaware of at the time I was making them. Iâm not even sure there is a way to be totally prepared. Itâs never quite what it seems like it will be...you only find out what itâs like once itâs happening, and often thatâs just far too late.
My mother died of an overdose when I was 3 and left me with an aging 47 year old father and two adult aged siblings. I've somewhat always felt as though I was simply the scraps of my parent's broken lives. I had always been jealous of my siblings, I always felt as though they'd gotten the normal life I so badly wanted, but even then they had suffered through our parents' rocky marriage- riddled with infidelity and drugs. Please think before you procreate, not everyone is meant to bear children.
Thanks! đ
I hope you are doing better today.
sadly lots of teens have intercourse early and a lot get accidentally pregnant and doesn't want to kill the living thing inside of them so I rather wait until I'm married. Even if you wear protective, accidents can happen so it's better for the accident to happen when you are married than when you are a teen. Chances are people are more financially able when you are married and have jobs than when you teenagers. Abortion is pretty scarring for a teen too.
@@naylisyazwina6836 being married doesn't not guarantee that kids will not have issues
@@Maz-zb9uf But it offers a more likely positive outcome. That's worth something, I think.
I don't know, I feel that my childhood was ok. But I do feel that I was kind of insecure in my household and I still am. I am unable to express my emotions to my parents who will not understand. As a child, it was ok to throw a tantrum. But as a teenager, my parents had higher expectations for me, enrolled me in too many classes where I didn't like most of them. I feel suffocated by my dad's presence. He's quite strict and volatile. One wrong word, and it's a bad day for both me and mom. I'm thankful that I'm able to continue my studies abroad (of course with my parents' approval, I can't take any decisions without their consent). Being in such a volatile household where you will never know when you'll be humiliated or scolded was never good for me.
I feel that I deserved better, but when I remember that my parents only did their best for me, I feel guilty of wanting more. Of being greedy and I hate myself for that. That's why I have never expected much from people around me. I help them, care for their concerns but I won't expect much in return because I will start to get greedy if I do. I feel that people would never be able to satisfy that as time passes. So I stop wanting to not be disappointed later.
i don't blame my mom for not knowing how to raise us, i blame her for putting her ego before her children, and then continuing to create more children when she wasn't even being a mom to the ones she already had.
every time i see someone having a genuinely good and positive relationship with their mother, i don't even know what to feel. envy? anger? sadness? i really don't know but i really don't feel good about it :(
i wish so badly that i'd gotten a mother who stopped and payed attention to us instead of going off and chasing her next husband.
But I also think the interactions we face at school when we are young shape our future as well. I had a secure relationship with both of my parents, but due to feeling like an outcast and getting heavily bullied at school, I felt conflicted and lost my trust in people outside of my safe place. At home, I am securely attached, but outside in the real world, I can be either of the three insecurely attached traits. I think this theory can extend to our relationships outside of parental roles.
I agree so much, I had similar experiences in school also
I agree so much, I had similar experiences in school also
This. This is what did me in.
I learned martial arts and practice gun manipulation due to school bullying, and this is years later. So yes, childhood experiences at school do affect you in adulthood.
Agree. I have an amazing mother. We have such a great relationship. But in school I was always more of an outsider. Nowadays Iâm just a complete loner. Like, I literally have no friends. Well, I have one but she lives far away and we only talk every couple of months. I could probably drop dead tomorrow and nobody except my mom and my grandparents would really care. Sometimes I wonder if one can die of loneliness. Maybe someday the heart just stops beating or something.
My childhood:
Me: Mom I'm depressed because -
Mom: You have no reason to be depressed you have everything
Me: This is why I'm-
Mom: Ungrateful !
oof xd
God bless you. :)
Relatable
Same but then therapy started at 10 yrs and then i slowly realized over yrs and yrs that maybe my parents needed to fuckin join me
same but its my dad
Or the famous "You don't pay bills, so you don't deserve to feel sad".
I can't watch this video without crying.. I've definitely got a mix of all anxious and disorganized attachment style