Am I Too Critical Of My Wife?
Vložit
- čas přidán 16. 07. 2022
- Am I Too Critical Of My Wife?
Send John your questions. Leave a voicemail at 844-693-3291 or email www.johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!
Learn how to change your thoughts, change your behaviors, and change your life. Subscribe to the Dr. John Delony’s show!
czcams.com/users/JohnDelony?...
As heard on this episode:
- BetterHelp - bit.ly/3seoBCe
- DreamCloud - dreamcloudsleep.com/delony
- Churchill Mortgage - www.churchillmortgage.com/Delony
Get John’s new book, Own Your Past, Change Your Future here: bit.ly/3Lmf076
Want a plan for your money? Find out where to start: bit.ly/3cEP4n6
Get John’s Questions for Humans Conversation Cards:
bit.ly/3wkym67
Twitter (@johndelony)
Instagram (@johndelony)
Facebook ( JohnDelony/).
The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel paralyzed, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well-and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!
These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show.
If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.
Watch and subscribe to all The Ramsey Network shows here: czcams.com/users/TheRamseySh...
Please do not make a baby. It does NOT make a weak relationship stronger.
It would be a place to further isolate herself from the marriage.
If she’s saying the clock is ticking she might pretend to improve the sexual relationship long enough to get the baby she wants. Actually healing or moving on is going to move things down the road significantly. If I were the caller I’d be very careful not to have an “accidental” pregnancy when his guy is telling him not to bring a baby into things. That baby is going to have pedophile Grandfather, and a mother willing to share information about them. A baby will certainly only make things worse.
And what kind of people would she have around the child?
Yes!
@@jet4415 Yes!
The only time I shut down sexually in a relationship was with my marriage and that's because my then husband would reach out and grab me spontaneously on a sexual body part with no foreplay. Then the sex was 2 seconds of intercourse and it was over. He would say sorry make it up to you next time, the next time never happens. I got tired of being treated like a prostitute and totally shut down. And I was normally a very extremely sexual person but after a year of that treatment I couldn't stand it anymore.
Probably watching Porn . Porn is selfish and doesn’t need one person to please the other.
My husband would the same and it also made me feel like a prostitute. I also shut down. Found out he’s addicted to porn. 💔
Self centered and insensitive.
It's a total turnoff for women.
I’m glad you got out!!!
Wow. He had no self-control and was very selfish. Inconsiderate. Good you got out of that.
My husband encouraged me to seek therapy and cut off toxic people. He was right and we are happy and whole now.
Kudos to both of you!
Same!!! It’s wondrous what cutting toxic people out can do for a marriage ❤
My ex refused any encouragement of self help she chose to shut down more and divorce eventually
You trusted his vision. Something a lot of women lack nowadays
@@RichObiQuanwith the way men are, it's no wonder women choose not to trust a man's vision. It can get you traumatized or killed. It takes a special kind of man for a woman to be able to trust him completely.
What a loving, kindhearted, patient man that he would even begin the conversation asking if HE is being too hard on his wife.
I respect the guy for holding off having kids. If they can’t communicate now, kids won’t make it better! This man is in a sexless marriage, on top of that!
I divorced my husband after 10 years and I would have divorced him after 2 years or wouldn't have even married him if he had been honest with me from the beginning. His end goal in life was to live in the high desert with no one around. That was not my end goal. I wanted normalcy. He wanted to be a desert rat. So I cut him loose to go live his dream. Again, I beg people to have most of the hard discussions before you get married. "To know the road ahead, ask those coming back." Listen.
What was he saying when you all discussed what you both wanted for the future?
@@texasgoddess323 I knew he liked the desert, but he never discussed with me that he wanted to retire early, live on government funds, and live in Timbuktu. We both worked at the same company when I met him. We were actually very compatible on most levels. But at some point he wanted to drop out and that was not the lifestyle I wanted. I was ok with a simple life, but not the one he wanted.
Compatibility is shared core values shared vision emotional maturity and a blendable lifestyle.
@@9liveslisa soooo did he lie to you, or did y’all just not have that discussion at all?
@@dewilew2137 I knew he had a love of the desert, but he never said he wanted to live in the middle of nowhere. I think it is fair to say we never had a deep discussion of the direction we each wanted to go in. If we had, we would have found we were miles apart. I would say our marriage was good, until it wasn't.
Folks. Please talk about these things before you get married.
May I suggest ‘hard topic ‘discussion prior to marriage
Premarital counseling is a beautiful thing.
It should be mandatory!!!! I can't even make an assessment about whether I want to marry a person without knowing all of these things.
I think they r useless.... There were simply too many things I didn't know I didn't know b4 marriage....
@@aileencrane7700 yes but it needs to be before the engagement. I think people make a commitment before the marriage and don’t think clearly because they got their friends and family emotionally involved now
Man I just listened to a call John had with a man who was displaying clearly narcissistic behavior. And then you listen to this where the title has you geared up and instead you listen to a man who is focused on being better to help the needs he sees in his wife and to try to not be pushing her unfairly. Just amazing how night and day it was and how this man clearly has so much love for his wife and wants to sacrifice how he can to help her. Hope they figure their hard things out the best they can.
This is why Pre marriage counseling is necessary? You need to discuss everything so your both on the same page or not. It's easier to leave before marriage than getting a divorce
I never cease to be SHOCKED that ppl don’t talk about & make sure they have common goals re: the MAJOR things (how many kids, when to have kids, where they’re willing to move or not, finances, sex, religion, etc) That’s astounding to me!!
The real question is "did they ever have passion for each other and how long did that last? "
I’m a highly sensitive, introvert person and my husband is the exact opposite. The first few years of marriage was rough. I found him to be very overwhelming and I would shut down. I had to learn open up. I realize he processes information out loud and wants to talk about everything thing. He’s had to learn to share things with me without overwhelming me. I’ve had to learn to see that this is just how he process and that’s ok. Shutting down doesn’t help, she’ll need to open up and talk things through.
this is me and my husband except he is the highly sensitive introvert and I am the exact opposite!
I'm in the middle. So I understand both. :)
So u change an he didn't
Best of luck brother. I just came out of a 10 year marriage. Same issues. Took me years to learn you cant change other people. I pray your wife sees you want to help her.
As a woman who was abused as a child, he needs to leave her. She won’t do the work to fix herself. She’s being selfish. And that may be her survival mode but it ain’t fair to him.
U said can't change ppl but u want him to change her
Love Dr. John's analysis. I learned to shut down in childhood to protect myself from harm. I had some really bad trauma. This guy is way more perceptive and expressive than I could ever have been at that age. I hope he can work things out with his wife. Takes a great deal of gentle understanding.
It really annoys me how men's sexual sin screws up women, and their ability for sexual pleasure, for life. Some dudes are just complete selfish freaks. Im so over it.
Not all nen. But sick men, yes. They cause deep and lasting damage when they molest or rape children.
Women participate in the evil, too. Please don't blame men in general for the few men who deserve the death penalty for rape and abuse. Also remember, there are far too many women who allow their children to be abused by the boyfriend to keep him around. Evil is not confined to one sex.
Women, too. Female offenders hurt little boys. Also sex offenders who like children under 7 typically hurt both little boys and girls. This isn’t a “bad men” issue.
@@agricolaregsjust wanna jump in and state that men make up 96% of sexual assault perpetrators and 98% of homicide perpetrators. Men and women are NOT equal when it comes to murder and sexual assault
I feel for these people and all. However I can’t help but think how do you marry someone without having talks about the future before hand?
Lots of assumptions and thinking we are on the same page.
Honestly think one needs to take a marriage class months before the event.
Sounds like an avoidant attachment issue from the wife. Many people struggle with this issue without really knowing what they have!
Man! I have never heard of this. I looked it up and that is my wife. Thanks. That gives me some understanding
Why in the world would you marry someone you can't talk to?! Why are you getting married period before you get all this figured out? So wild that people get themselves into these situations.
I agree. I think a lot of people just "get married" today, they really don't marry a person they genuinely like.
I thought this would be different and had my response lined up after reading the title.
So glad I listened instead. To hear 2 men express such sensitivity to this young woman’s needs and how to support her in those while accomplishing the marriage goals by inputting healthy boundaries is so inspiring!
I can only imagine what this gal must be going through. Can you ask her? Could you ask her if she notices the pattern of disruption and upset whenever she speaks to her dad?
My husband has a few times had to help me draw boundaries away from unhealthy friendships and it was maddening at the time but soon after I saw positive change and realized he did it for me and for us and it was really helpful.
Praying your marriage comes together in strength with love so big that you both get your needs met soon.
To the caller, please know that IF your marriage is going to turn around, its going to either be she gets on board soon when you are precise about action steps or it's going to take forever. So a little before the 15 minute mark he's telling you the right thing. Trust me, time doesn't resolve these issues. You're not being too critical. She's been traumatized and therapy is necessary. If she make excuses for counseling start preparing to do something else brother. I'm sorry that you are brother going through.
I wish all couples would go through premarital counseling. I know that the Catholic Church requires this prior to marrying couples. These sessions deal with money, kids, lifestyles, friends, background, extended families, mental health, etc etc. And, what the future will look like. Gives both parties a better picture of marriage and the person they are marrying.
Yes, counseling fixing everything.
My evangelical church required a six week premarital counseling course. It was extremely valuable to sort out goals and differences before tension or frustration sets in. We learned a lot about each other. I highly recommend every couple goes through quality premarital counseling.
I disagree. Nothing could've prepared me. We did do premarital counseling tho. But back then, I knew nothing about money (opened my first credit card 3 months b4 we got married), knew nothing about kids (had never given them a thought until I was pregnant), thought we had a similar faith/cultural background (cuz on paper we do), I knew I had mental health issues (but had no idea the extent of the baggage I came with), thought I wanted an alpha male but had no idea he was gonna b that strong.....
@@giveme24hrs72 The paper inventory is supposed to be the jumping off point for discussion. Did you do a weekend session or just a few sessions with a priest/minister? It is unfortunate you do did not have a positive experience. Sorry
@@maryjones6115 I believe it was 6 meetings that we did with the pastor. I'm not saying the experience was bad.... I mean I was in love with my fiance... I just remember smiling a lot and of course knowing we had different personalities.... I just don't think anyone could've prepared me and explained how difficult of a time I would have these last 10 years....just like I don't think anyone could've prepared me for having kids.... People told me kids r expensive, I didn't believe them (told u I knew nothing about money), if people had told me I'd struggle with breastfeeding, I wouldn't have believed them, in fact it's just like last month that I started feeling a little empowered (in one aspect) about my parenting and getting my kids to do what I need them to. I dunno, maybe I just came into the whole thing at such a disadvantage.... Like I feel like I came into marriage as a child and I'm just now trying to figure out how to be an adult or something.... Sigh
This means “I’m still trying you out”! 💯
This is the crap some men do because of social media, their friends and their delusion. This is why women end up older and unmarried because guys are JUST trying them out. I have trained myself to tell MYSELF, “they are just not into you” and move on. 🤷🏻♀️
Dr.Delaney needs a new series called the men’s delusional hour.
@Unknown Comment sir you are delusional! Get a dog!
This is an unfair assessment. It’s his right to ask the hard questions. If their marriage is rocky now with limited sex, it will only be worst off with even less sex when there are littles running around. It’s smart to want to stabilize their marriage before trying for kids. What’s so wrong with that?
@@omowhanre Yes!
Women have their delusions too. I don’t know these two people got married without having a conversation about the future.
No, you're reading this wrong. He already married her. He's not trying her out. His issue is that he cannot see bringing a child into this world and raising it with a mother who was completely f***** up mentally. He sees the toxicity and doesn't want to stay in it.
This was a powerful and emotional conversation. I hope the caller and is wife can work through their problems and end up in a better place.
By the way the wife talks about her biological clock i wonder if she is feeling 2 feelings at the same time, wanting a baby and being scared/overwhelmed at the same time. If i was the husband i would say to his wife i want a baby and you want a baby and we need to be able to cope with the demands that will bring, so working towards us having a baby i want to talk about us getting some outside support, someone to help us with everything (don't mention the word councelling or therapy). Then say for the time being as a temporary measure and in order for us to get you ready for us having a baby i want the calls to your father to stop for a year this will give us space to get you less stressed which will help us in our goal for a family. This will give her the space to see it works better without the Father without any ultimatum. You can address the point again later about it being permanent. If you are the husband reading this then I want to say: Good Luck, you sound like you really love your wife and i wish you lots of luck with it all, you are a caring husband.
Thank you for this conversation!!!! Lots of couples going through this.
Yes, sexual abuse is so common among women, that many husbands have to deal with the trauma's that their wives have endured. Many husbands have been abused themselves. They all need therapy, self-help books or at least learn from conversations on youtube, in this channel or with Lewis Howes, also on CZcams, for example. Only a few percent of us have had the luck to grow up in healthy families - but all of us can take responsibility for contributing to sound relationships from now on.
I know this is his point of view only ......
but .....
it seems like she got one sweetheart of a deal in this because I’m not hearing where she gives anything. In this version, she gets their life together her way and she doesn’t give, compromise or extend emotionally, sexually, therapeutically.... Again, she might - and she probably does - have a very different version of how their marriage works than this and in what part they each play but according to this version, she really is doing much to extend herself in their marriage. This is very troubling. People really don’t change that much in this way, (to be MORE self-sacrificing, MORE giving and MORE loving and other-aware over time) in my experience so I do hope she will want to try harder and find what spurs her to be more. I hope they can work through this.
@@noble604 you brought up a really good eye opening point. I don't see where she extending herself in this marriage as well!! I didn't notice it during the call, but you are spot on here.
I really feel for this guy. So sad. If she isn’t willing to put in the work, then he may have to walk. He only gets one life to live and he deserves to feel happy and loved. How many children to have shouldn’t even be on the table right now. Work on yourselves and your marriage first. I hope things get on the right track for them! 🙏🏼
Excellent video! Thank you Dr. Delony.
Amazing honesty, vulnerability and courage!!! Dr. Delony is great at reading between the lines. Please share with loved ones this valuable resource.
Dr. John you are the best!! 100% real!! Thank you.. from all of us..
I wonder how they connected to the point of love and marriage if this is the reality of the situation
I wonder how they got to this point, too, in their dating. I also wonder, from her point of view, how she personally foresees being a mother and what that looks like (what kind of a mother does she want to be .. a doting, loving, caring, intimately involved mom?... and what parenthood between the two of them will look and sound like if there’s little hard conversation now. Life only gets progressively intricate. Yes, I’d like to know how they got here and what it meant for them in the beginning.
Criticism is a subtle (sometimes) and sure poison.
I hope this gentleman uses criticism rarely.
This was such a well done podcast!! I love the vulnerability on both sides!! Well done Dr. John
This guy is basically telling his wife that he doesn’t think she’s good enough to be a mother, and then wonders why she doesn’t want to be intimate with him 🤦♀️
you missed the part before that where hes trying to develop an open and honest way of communication with his wife, thats important before bringing children into the world,
day 1 you think he did this? whereas day 1 she has been refusing any regular intimate contact?
she's not qualified to be a mother or a wife, but he hasn't come to that conclusion yet unfortunately.
Intimate issues were from the beginning. Helps to listen to the video.
His wife seems super closed off tho. She needs therapy.
Personally I don’t think I could do this this relationship needs way way too much work
great job, John, you were able to break thru the walls to have a fluid conversation ❤ the more I listen to the callers, the more I appreciate my childless, husbandless, only dogs life ❤ I don't mean that to sound selfish, I've just realized how much of myself I let go when trying to make another happy, which I will always do, but, for a person who truly wants and deserves my love and commitment ❤ So many blessings to all y'all married n struggling, it's sounds incredibly hard, but the love a lot of you have at home makes it sound very worth it, Mr John n his lovely fam included ❤
I don’t blame him if she’s having these issues now having children isn’t going to make it better.
He needs to cut his losses.
He doesn't trust her....
How can you build a relationship with a wife you don't trust?
Why doesn't he trust her?
Tough spot....
I love Dr. Delony. He got such a great personality. I almost want James Patterson to use Dr. D personality for a new Cop or PI for one of his bestselling books.
Great advice 💯
Thank you for the inspiration and care, Young Men. On behalf of this wife. Thank you.
I am feeling like they need to see separate therapists or the same person on different accounts and she needs to figure out what she wants in her life and what he wants in his life and they need to come together and figure out how to move forward or not. She doesn't know what it means to be in a healthy relationship because she was never taught that.
Women who were molested as children don't like sex. That's just a fact. It's like any other injury, you love the person enough to deal with the residuals of their injury or you don't. You have to be honest with yourself
That’s not true. I love sex with my husband.
Bait-n-switch anyone? What woman is going to advertise that she doesn't like sex or physical intimacy? They would never get a man in the first place
Learning personality types is sooo important. Myers Briggs made me realize how I and my husband process and perceive and express, and enneagram really helped hone in on communication habits and needs. Now, when we have a hard conversation, he knows that I can’t answer on the spot and need to take time to think and come back. Helps greatly.
Imo you can still understand personality without needing to label someone in a stupid system as in the long term it does more damage. Mbti channels have almost always limited some types into worthless beings and others as superhumans which can create really bad issues. What is your and your husband's type?
@@aladdout9454 I confused. What do you mean worthless beings and super humans?? I’m INTP, he’s ISTJ. My enneagram is type 5. We haven’t pinned his down yet. Truly, idk what you mean. The tests tell you what you tell it. And if you’ve read on type 5 at all, it is renowned for getting the most hate.
@@mrsanonymous414 feelers in general but mostly Infxs in the mbti community on reddit and youtube are treated like that. A lot of type racism is all.
Yes! I agree.
The Myers Briggs Test is nonsense. No matter what 4 letters you get, you are amazing and wonderful. Life doesn't work this way. Some people are absolutely terrible. MB hasn't stood the objective test of time. The Big 5 Personality Test, however, has stood the test of time and has shown why people tend to be politically affiliated in certain parties. The results have shown differences between men and women as well.
Awesome advice ❤️❤️👍👍
Talk more about how the body processes emotions for these people that work in these fields
Also ... more discussion around moral injuries
I think this guy was trying to say he's worried that his wife isn't stable enough to have kids with.
Wife is emotionally stunted. He must have known this before marriage. Its normal convos. Someone is unsure if they want to be married.
But the husband is vague & evasive as to how he defines 'a place where we are stronger' . To me that refusal to outline solid, tangible goals shrieks he's not interested in achieving them, so i would retreat emotionally too , to protect myself.
@@sarahholland2600 na.... he is evasive bc he sees her crazy and doesn't want to bring a kid into this crap.
His wife has a trauma bond with her dad, hence why she’s still talks to him. I wish her true healing and peace. 🥺🙏✨
15:15 That was me. I had a long road after I made some exceedingly bad decisions that lead to an Emotional Affair. It was extremely hard to let go of my resentment and it's a near impossible journey. He is a good man trying to help her through that but there are limits and he's going to go down with the ship if he doesn't put boudaries.
This sounds like a case you might just need to move on. Some relationships can't be saved and it's better to realize it sooner rather than later. You can't fix other people. They need to have done that prior to the relationship.
Agreed.
Nothing's gonna change until she takes the steps to make the change. Definately walk along side her. It takes a patient person to bear the weight of this.
I vote he cuts his losses. Leave her. He young enough to still find someone healthy.
What if she doesn’t want to change? She seems comfortable in being a victim which is now affecting someone else.
his future family dies if he stays with her. she's not undeserving of love, but he doesn't owe her his life trying to therapize and raise his wife.
Never marry someone you have to fix.
If this guy continues to stay with her, then he deserves what he got.
A hard truth.
Amen. This applies to both men and women. My god.
No to bandaid babies🤬🙄
This dude is a complete Type B.... Sack up and take control, man. Enough waiting and planning and talking. Friggin ACT
The key to this whole situation was said at the end, she needs to state her wants and needs. Without both people doing that, there is no foundation for their marriage to move forward. He wants that soooo bad but she cant since she has no idea what kind of women and wife she wants to be. Makes sense since she was running away from her home situation her whole life and no time to think. Hope they are able to make it.
Therapists are calling this the polyvagal response. It’s a freeze response learned in childhood and teens. I’m so grateful that my soon to be wife stuck with me through seasons of this. She was so gracious and gentle and encouraging. I used to shut down every time she asked where we were in the relationship and where it was going. In reality I wasn’t sure at that point and I thought I needed to be certain I would marry her to say anything or she would start backing away. I was catastrophising. I didn’t want to lose control or lose her so my body and mind shut down. It’s not a conscious choice. We learned that changing context was good when I was in a basal state, like going’s on a walk. I learned to just say something… even “ok” “I hear what you are saying” or “I need time to think.” I’d say it takes a balance of graciousness, gentleness and firmness on the one side, and a willingness to slowly start being vulnerable and open and put in the hard work of healing on the other.
he is projecting..she is hinting at what she wants..he is the staller...he is making it out that she wont talk about it...
why hint when you can make open statements? she's not trying, and he is. Even if he's not communicating in a way she appreciates, he is certainly trying, and if she wants a marriage with him she is obligated to help him communicate with her. Shutting down is never the answer here and it means she's entirely in the wrong.
Exactly!
Thinking about death freaks me out too and I’ll have Panic attacks in the middle of the night too
Can you objectively see how ridiculous your response is? Like put yourself in an outside viewer position and see how futile and pointless your thoughts are. That you are just wasting energy on something you have no control over. I’m not criticizing. This is what I do when I’m anxious about something.
A man who supports and protects his woman is so hot.
If my man said he was going to stand up for me like that you better believe that as soon as he stopped speaking I'd put his hands on my hips and start kissing his neck.
My ex wife. Holy trauma. Left jumped on another dude. Came back to me and did not tell me abouy other dude until after. Holy crap i poured myself into her. I was trying to figure out how i am going to look into another womans eyes some day.... she was right on the new D. I am alone and in more pain i have ever been in in my life. How do you take someone back that is 4 weeks aways from new D? i am broken. It absolutely torched any chance of us, on purpose.
It is really difficult if the person you marry changes the program professionally, physically and emotionally completely after you marry. He is right we shutdown in order to just keep the peace and just exist.
What convos did they have prior to marriage? Why did they get married?
I would go even further in the inquiry and ask the lad to give an example of a snippet of conversation and how he worded what he said, word-for-word. Does he frame it in a way where it sounds like it's all about what he wants and that's how it's going to be without giving her any space to discuss what her hopes and dreams are as an equal partner? Does he press and prod her into agreeing with what he wants?
There could also be issues on the wife's side, where she may have been brought up with people pleasing tendencies and be confrontation averse, and is realizing that she doesn't want to do certain things anymore, but doesn't know how to articulate what she wants to say. She may feel like she can't tell him out of fear of backlash or being misunderstood.
There's alot of questions to ask to get a clearer picture of this situation.
My wife is a debtaholic and I brought up the issue at church, and they sort of blew it off. So what I decided to do is drop my tithe by 95% and re-direct it to paying off my wife's debts. They will very likely notice the drop as it is a measurable % of the church budget, and they will call her on the carpet and help me reign her spending in. My wife has income of almost 80k per year, and only pays about 10000 of our annual home expenses.
This sounds manipulative; I would suggest therapy instead of going about this covertly to have her dames in front of the church. That’s a good way to strain, if not end a marriage.
@belladonnabudgets7362 it is absolutely intentionally manipulative. I have brought this up with the elders with my wife and me in front of elders. I don't think the elders want to tangle with my wife. I dropped my tithe and I'll use the tithe saving to pay her debts.
Have you tried being an adult and giving her an ultimatum? What do you want them to do...shame her into not spending? Sounds like you both married children. She's irresponsible and you're running to mommy and daddy to fix it.
@@auemmjee the ultimatum would be "get help or we divorce" but being a debtaholic is not a biblical reason for divorcing. It is the obligation of the church elders to step in when parishioners violate God's law.
As a heathen, you may not know this, but it is the responsibility of the church to step in and discipline my wife if she won't listen to reason.
Respectfully, she needs to cut contact with her father and stop dragging that baggage back into her life.
Sounds like she may have had a ton of trauma!!
Oh Mac my goodness. Your wife is going through hell daily. How she views men and intimacy. Wondering if she married for an escape? I'm not a therapist. Her view of her father must be so messed up. Like betrayal.
This man has stepped into a hornets nest. God bless them both.
Sex once every 2 to 3 months? That's not a marriage. Move on before kids. It sounds more like a roommate.
Tell me you bang your roommates without telling me you bang your roommates.
And he probably increased that number
@@gmarie3053 lol
Stop marrying crazy people that you have to fix.
I wish the titles would use the callers actual words verbatim
This girl needs to deal with her demons. She should’ve done it before she dove into this marriage and started dragging this poor guy down with her. If I were him I’d give her love, support and a deadline to get help. Otherwise she will ruin his entire life. If he lets her get away with this behavior, she will go on avoiding facing her issues.
100% agreed!
it like saying veteran should not married! wtf wrong with you ...I'm a rape victim with childhood abuse with ptsd and I'm happily married and have kids! if you don't have empathy don't married people with baggage but don't fucking tell me or others that had an unfair live what we should do! you cannot fix PTSD at 100% !!!
Very true!
You can only heal that what you have acknowledged as a problem. She is still talking to her pedophile father so it sounds like she has not acknowledged even to herself that she has demons which need exorcism. As of right now the best and only thing her husband can do is force the problem to be known.
@@dahliaherrod4301he can definitely give her some ultimatums. If she can't acknowledge her issues then he should move on.
Every single conversation, it's nothing but John leading the conversation based on his own projections. Partly cause most callers can't open their mouths to speak, but John needs to quit putting words in their mouths and interjecting his own personal experiences.
Omg. This!!!!
@@agricolaregs I can't stand it. It's downright abuse if you ask me.
how can she want the relationship with her dad AND want children . . . those things DO NOT mix!
👍🏻
Am I one to think that these discussions should be had prior to marriage.
Sounds like communication issues but also he gets angry and frustrated. Yes, he needs therapy and it would help a lot. Sorry for the wife, who has been talking to her very abusive dad! She needs her own individual therapy.
The guy sounds weird.
They all sound weird
NOT having kids is a solid option.
That’s your wife and she thinks it’s okay to be intimate once a blue moon?! you a better man than me!
If you have to ask if you’re too critical you probably are
Yeah you can't live with your head in the sand. That's no life. Children hide; it's what keeps them safe. Adults face difficult conversations so they can have a better life.
I understand people have trauma, but why get with another person and make life even harder and do nothing to try and overcome problems. If you don't want to get help, then don't get married or you'll just end up divorced.
The best thing you can do is take charge! And tell her you are not leaving her that you made a commitment and you will keep it forever, so how long she's going to make you suffer is up to her. She is not capable to make decisions so please stop asking her questions, it causes her stress and anxiety . I have been in situations like this, The best thing my husband it was to tell me what to do, until I got better (we are going for a walk, to a friends house, please make burgers for dinner etc.)A friend told me that he feels my pain and sadness when he comes home, that motivated me to get better since I did not want to cause him pain.
Godly people telling me not to believe lies that were affecting me helped a lot. Plus when it comes to sex I'd not let more then a couple of days pass without doing it. The more you do it the more she won't except negativity in her mind. Be persistent about it. It'll help her heal.
By God grace we are married 18 years, have 5 wonderful children, own our home and no mortgage.
gentlemen, having a wife with this amount of baggage.. its a death sentence and not worth the effort.
This caller is clueless. He whines and whines over his wife. She sounds pretty lame as well. This is no marriage made in heaven.
He doesn't trust her and can feel that she isnt as serious as him. All she cares about is herself and fulfilling her biological clock. Once you give her what she wants, she will check out
She already has
What's wrong with wanting to have a child after two years of marriage?!
Should have not married before these issues were ironed out.
Sounds like they shouldn’t of gotten married, definitely neither were ready
Idk man, he keeps saying it comes back to her. “She doesn’t respond,” “she went through hard stuff.” It actually is you and her. You have your crap too, start with that.
the practically sexless marriage from day 1 is where you need to focus, and the answer for that is divorce.
she doesn't want him since the beginning. She is utterly shut down in all areas of intimate connection and sad as it is, whatever the cause, she isn't qualified to be a wife.
The blurry idea of "unconditional love" is crazy making. Unconditional love is not within any real living persons capacity. Not even mothers can love unconditionally when it comes to reality and every second of our lives. I know, "they" are trying to fool us with this. Equally crazy-making is the concept of "tough love".
All of us should have specific conditions for continuing to invest ourselves in a relationship and taking responsibility for it.
We shouldn't feel guilty for wanting to speak out the conditions under which we could thrive, and not. Between adults, relationships are under the condition that "I stay if I thrive".
To negotiate conditions for a relationship between an adult and a child, I recommend the clarifying thoughts that Thomas Gordon has on these issues. We all need training in effective, and not oppressing, communication.
I wish that Mack would try to model a healthy way to stand up for oneself, maybe for 6 months, while he goes into councelling and does what he thinks is healthy for himself, without her having to take responsibility for his decisions. But take a step and invite her to follow, like teach her to dance! She doesn't yet know a man who takes the lead to do what's healthy, sound, not oppressing. Her father got stuck in selfish boyhood. She chose a younger man. She needs to see that her young husband is an adult man, actually reliable and responsible, and in a constructive way independent and also capable of connecting. But if she doesn't want it, it means going separate ways.
Mack, don't be afraid of being your own best friend! Don't be afraid of stopping to be a push-over, you can set boundaries calmly, firmly, in friendly words. When it scares you, think about the fact that she needs a model for healthy self-protection. Ask her if she needs to be accompanied to her therapist, and sit in the car and read a book on healthy relationships while waiting for her. There are many yards of books on the shelfs in a library or in a second hand bookshop. Ask for John Delony's books, or Stephen Covey's, or watch tips for self-help books on CZcams. Don't do any of this secretly, let her know what, when, why, how...
All the best wishes, you are worth to set up your life so that you thrive and so you have energy to spare to give her a helping hand, wihout taking over her life. It was a constructive first step that you made this courageous call!
(Sorry, I did notice that I had made many language errors in the first version, I hope I did improve my comment now!)
I had a therapist friend once who laid it out in a way that made sense and can make it easier to draw boundaries. Yes, you can love unconditionally, but you can not TOLERATE unconditionally. This is especially useful in parent-child relationships but can also work in spousal ones. Too often the toxic one will pull out the "unconditional love" card as a gaslighting tactic. You can say "yes, I do love you unconditionally but I'll not tolerate what you're doing unconditionally and I can't be around while you're doing it."
@@EmpressMermaid That's a good way, too, to make it clear, that "unconditional love" can be a demand that is just oppressing. Sometimes I say "only God can love unconditionally" and notice it is not healthy to demand that of normal human beings, we do need to have conditions and boundaries.
We need to be aware that we have the right to leave oppressing relationships, if we cannot change them for more healthier ones. You are so right: it almost always will be a toxic one that will insist on "unconditional love". Your response is a good one!
Sometimes the "toxic one" is a voice from our childhood, stuck in our heads, keeping nagging and judging, to make us feel ashamed, faulty, and not loving enough. Listen carefully: who's voice is it? Bet it is a narcissist you know well! You can never please her/him enough, so stop trying. Btw,
I use crazy-making and gas-lighting almost as synonyms.
Wow...this is a really good response. I am not married but can hear so.e personal reality in what the caller is saying about the wife. I too, have a father like that...this is helpful for me to read and understand what to look for and understand about a good man leading his wife.
@@redzin8818 It can be a good wife who shows her husband healthy ways, too. But the partner has to be willing to learn, and it is not the "lost" or toxic or scared out of her/his wits one, who should be taking the lead. I'm sorry that you, RedZin have a father like that - hope you feel mature enough now, to take the lead and do all you can to be strong for your "inner child" - and look to it that from now on that you, on your own, are going to repair and thrive and be a good example for others, and let your light shine! I wish you all the best!
@@DNA350ppm thank you for your words of life!
i found him very hard to understand, he definitely talks in circles and i feel like he actually doesn't really know what he wants.
It’s not okay to be only having sex with your spouse only a couple times a month. That will not end well. Why get married and then deny your spouse sex? Then she’ll feel betrayed if he cheats on her. Ma’am you’re cheating him out of intimacy.
Yes sex a couple of times a month isn’t good but usually there’s more at hand. It is just “start having sex” and stop denying. There’s clearly a disconnection with him. But she needs to discuss it with him.
He needs to realize that he can't change her. He needs to learn to let go and move on. If he continues to stay (knowing all this) then he deserves all of this.
Deny?
This is a very disgusting mentality. This isn't about sex. This is about her being mentally effed up.
Yeah, she’s selfish. His needs, wants, and goals come secondary to her feelings and whatever machinations she is concocting in her head. Their relationship is just about her. He needs to leave. He will never be a priority to her.
I don't believe happily ever after is possible in life and this channel seems to be selling this concept that somehow if things in life are going wrong it's because someone just hasn't had enough therapy.
not talking about kids before marriage is insane😂
This man took time before he got to the root of the issues. He cannot be his wife's therapist. He approached it as making life decisions, but it has nothing to do with that, it has to do with intimacy, ie in his mind, sex. Sex is not happening and seems like he has to work real hard to get some sex. And can't figure out what makes her receptive. Those are red flags right there.
That is not a married life, but maybe he is doing things that turn her off too. A ton of talking before sex is not a turn on.
But if she has had trauma around sex in her youth, that is her journey, with her own therapist. They need both couple therapy and individual therapy. If they want the marriage to work. Unfortunately they did not do work on themselves before marriage, but a lot of people think the answer is finding the one and life falls into place.
Me: what does John mean? Amorphous?? Vocabulary??
Amorphous means not defined shaped, pinned down. So a cloud would be amorphous! A convo that’s amorphous would be one where someone doesn’t pin down terms and what items they want to discuss. They just sort of use very general terms like he was saying “I want our relationship to be stronger” ok stronger how? whats weak? What could we improve? What do you think we could improve? What should we have in place before the baby? It’s like when corporations say “90% of people in town x want better shopping facilities”. Yes coz “do you want better shopping facilities?” is a vague and amorphous question most people agree with. Then the corporation say “see everyone wants us to bulldoze the park to build a mall”.
Anyway hope that helps!
He means the guy's vague.
Sounds like the marriage is a bad match. She may have wanted to have a baby due to maternal clock ticking.
M
She wants a baby but she's having death anxiety panic attacks!!! She can't even have sex enough to even get pregnant
This guy isn't going to be right there with her. It's obvious just in his voice and the way he talks about this woman how cold and detached he is. Selfish, I'd even venture to add. He doesn't care about her, the way he's affecting her, what she was put through as a kid, or what she's going through now. He's focused solely on what he wants and his own frustration that it isn't easily, readily attainable. A man who loves a woman would've had a significant reaction to a couple of the things Dr. Delony said here, and you can tell this guy is just flatlining the whole way through. He's not motivated by love. He's motivated by an annoyed sense of being inconvenienced. He sounds like a guy with buyer's remorse trying to figure out if he can back out of his mistake or if he can still get what he wants out of that mistake somehow.
100%
I agree
hes calling asking how he can kindly make a break through with his wife, no being selfish
I don't understand how you can even marry someone who is that effed up? How do you even get to a point where you see yourself with that person for the rest of your life?
It's called being codependent.
If you have to ask the question, the answer is: YES!