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How To Respond To A Spouse Who Criticizes You
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- čas přidán 6. 08. 2024
- Do any of these statements sound familiar? “You didn’t do what I asked you to do…” or You never clean up after yourself...” or, “Why did you move that?!”
Whatever it may be, you probably have some complaints about your spouse...and your spouse probably has complaints about you. But these complaints don’t have to ruin your marriage but they can actually end up making it better!
your.marriagehelper.com/rescu...
Think back to the time when you were dating. How did these “complaints” affect you then? Did you ignore them- were they not a “big deal” to you? But now that you’re married, are some things really getting on your nerves, or your spouse’s nerves, to the point where you burst out in anger or frustration?
When your spouse makes a complaint about something you’re doing (or not doing) it is completely normal to get defensive. However, since you’re watching this video you’re probably wondering “How do I move forward and deal with these situations?”
Consider these three things..and think about your spouse’s intention behind the statements...First, ask yourself, “Is it valid?” Is what they are saying actually true...or are they saying it out of anger? Second, ask yourself, “Why might this matter so much to them?” Finally, apologize for any hurts and make a plan to move forward.
Now you may be thinking, “They should just accept me as I am! I’m not changing for anyone!” Yes, to some extent we need to accept each other - flaws and all. But that should not be an excuse to continue behaviors that are hurtful to the other person or to dismiss their feelings or wishes. Rather, the best practice for your marriage is to put your pride aside, and do what is best for the marriage.
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There’s a fine line between changing your actions for the benefit of the relationship, and submitting to toxic manipulation.
Exactly, it all depend on situations. Certainly introspektion is good, but you also cannot allow certain behavior and have to put your foot down. If it doesnt work, leave.
Correctly said
No, it is not a fine line. They are completely distinguishable. Even the dumbest dog knows the difference between being tripped over and being kicked. We all need to stop the poor excuses and accommodate our partners.
@@lb8132 Word.
The first thing EVERY PERSON on the planet should do when it all goes wrong, there is criticism, an arguement... is look inwards. Back in the day, criticism was not used as a weapon, but a way of pointing out an error, or something of that nature. Now we live in a world of safe spaces, and ADULTS (not children) wrapped in cotton wool and bubble wrap because if you look at them the wrong way, its the end of the world.
Actually I am tired of apologizing for being who I am. I have tried apologizing I have tried introspection I have tried Changing my behavior come to realize that I cannot change who I am. After 30 years of marriage I’m done with apologizing
Sorry to hear that you feel this way. Many people want to give up after that much time has passed with little to no positive changes in the marriage. We are so sorry that you are going through this. We would love to help you though if we can. Please don't hesitate to reach out to us for a great community of support and lots of free resources to help you turn the situation around. We believe there is always hope.
That's because your spouse hates you, plain and simple.
Some persons are just difficult to live with
or maybe this criticizing partner is a selfish narcissist who keeps on poking holes in your character and no matter what you do is not good enough, no matter how you try you're always criticized for a reason or another! deeper approach is necessary when making videos instead of just jumping to the conclusion that the criticism is valid and the criticized partner is at fault. Sometimes the partner criticizes just because he's a jerk, he's mean, he's depressed, and /or a narcissist gaslighting you!
That can definatly be true.
Finally! I’ve been suffering with this but I stumbled upon this video and feel like I finally understand the other side.
This is truly a great great video. 👌
I have found your site to be so informative and to be so open to share information that in all of my searching with MANY sites doesn’t come up. Meaning that other sites talk about the basic information that you do but YOU go above and beyond with these type of areas that might only be available and covered through counseling to have them brought to light.
Thank you !!!! ❤️
I love how clear you explain it ❤
Kimberly this so speaks to me!
Very nicely explained
Meaningful thank you
Yes my husband attack me when he was frustrated 😣 so we talk about it over the phone 📱 yeah my husband talk about his past relationship!
What if using the calm voice and graceful gestures doesn’t stop them from continuing to drill you on the issue? How does one respond to being spoken to like a child?
As someone who does the drilling, I have to say your issue is the drilling. Talk to them and tell them how they come across and how it makes you feel before it's too late.
Wrong answer
Same problem with my husband. If I tell him it makes me feel a certain way, he says I’m too sensitive or I can’t accept my flaws, or I don’t like being told when I do something wrong. And so on
Well said!
Some good stuff here!
There's a difference between criticizing to demean and constructive criticism.. a loving partner speaks respectfully and calmly respecting your sensitivities, the later doesn't care when, where, how or how much they could criticize you and will flip them blame when you calmly tell them heo theor tone and tact was inappropriate in their approach
Good video I will send it to Him to listen to also I want to try this thank you
Really i am so blessed being here my husband does not accept his mistakes he always find a way to accuse me in anything he says or do for him marriage soppose to be tyrany and oppression toward the wife for him to feel respected
I understand you my husband get frustrated or feels uncomfortable when i tell him his mistakes he doesnt acknowledge his mistakes or the things he forgets. He never apologizes to me even though it was his fault. Its like if he was a perfect person im tired of his criticism and doesnt accept his faults.
Thank you
No listening equals no communication.
you are the best!
Well said
Embrace complains if it's valid!!!
What do you do if your partner is critical about just about everything you do. One argument will lead into my partner bringing up multiple ways from the past or present in which she feels that I'm not doing well or she feels is done in a disrespectful way. Our arguments never stay to one subject. I can't accept and apologize for hours on end for multiple subjects every day. It's exhausting and not sustainable.
I am married to your husband’s emotionally immature twin.
Hmmmmm
I feel I live the same situation with my wife.
No one can walk on you or walk over you, like a doormat, unless/until you first lie down. Stop behaving like a doormat and you will cease to be treated like one.
Complaining in this forum instead of checking the person who is disrespecting you is the definition of behaving like a doormat. Command respect or leave.
@@lb8132 Thanks for the reply, but it's not that simple. Being in a relationship with a narcissist is definitely not something to take so lightly. The toxicity they bring is real. They have issues with boundaries, no never means no, and any disagreements are met with fierce reprisals. The answer is grey rock and to stay away.
Hmmm, I have and do apologize. But he says the damage is done, can't go back.
Changed behavior speaks louder than a verbal apology
We men do not care about your apologize as much as we care about changed behavior. If he has taken this position it is because he has spoken too many times and been ignored.
oh I love it when its the usual " I hate your a messy person your just like my mother!" when i at least never burned down a trailer...i dont see myself ike his mother....and he hates that i always have a comback to his arugument. we have two kids and been together for 6 years.....
Are there tips on how to work on one's anxieties? Or maybe tips on how to deal with your self-esteem issues? I seem to have those issues. Thank you
@Memento Mori. Add devaluation and blame shifting to that.
Who apologizes after they’d been attacked?! Even after a reason was given right away why the way it was done, no foul language or sarcasm used, just plain talk.
It came out of the blue for some overlooked minor detail that would not have altered the outcome in a billion year.
Amazing how many development arrested minds pass as adults out there.
I always forget to tell my wife to where am going I do that by saying that am just going around the corner not knowing how much it pains my wife now I learned that no matter where am going I have to let her know and am sorry that I did that to her for several times I hope she will forgive me one day love her always
How do you balance being kind and gentle with not bieng used or manipulated or being seen as weak?
My relationship is much better than the video examples.
I like a challenge. Could be better but I'll live.
I told my wife a story about a housekeeper that was trying buy a house for $600,000. then I told her how could a housekeeper afford a house that cost that much. then she made it about her being a house keeper, and her poor family in the Philippines. this happen over a month ago. I even left town for a week on her request. but still she is holding me with out unforgiveness
start smuggling away cash with a trusted family member, you may habe to leave her... AND NEVER Leave your. own. place for. any reason. she can leave if. she needs. a break.
I'm too darn old to leave him now! Also my health is bad. So do I just AGREE with what ever he wants? Should I clean up his messes when I really need to be on my breathing machine? Should I just shut up when he wants to clean out our outside building and throw away what HE thinks is useless? Get real. He even complained, just now that I stirred the instant potatoes with a fork instead of 'folding them' over with a spoon! This is a stressful time for everyone (covid 19) and granted he does a lot that I can no longer do but I do tell him how much I appreciate all he does. This is bull.... I wish I could leave but he knows I can't.
my wife does the same, but usually it is nitpicking things, when i KNOW she doesnt. complain when others do the same thing. Part of it is that I. CAN'T LEAVE without hurting our kids and she knows it. secondly, its a form of manipulation and gas lighting me. 9/10 is when we arr around others, then when she. does. something and i point it out, she will deny that she does it. I started taking pix of things SHE complains about in others but all it does is esalate. planning for a possible escape...
Find a job worthwhile than leave ur spouse.if you have kids bear the hurt and hope one of you dies .that is the only marriage imprisonment freedom in some countires
I know many who have that problems
Stay single...
Unfortunately he doesn't complain to me even when I know there's a problem. He doesn't even agree when I ask directly are you upset with me about Bla? He just behaves in passive aggressive covert ways that cause more injury than he could possibly imagine. Should I bring that his attention he just says its all in your head and denies that whatever behavior he did that hurt me was intended to hurt me and dismisses how I feel claiming since it wasn't intentional I shouldn't feel the way I do about it. He only says sorry if he accidentally hurts me physically like stepping on my foot or bumping into me(truely unintended physical injury. He has never lifted a hand to me) He doesn't want to talk about anything that is a problem between us. He doesn't want to learn how to better communicate although he says he does, when I do the work to look up information and print out things we can do to get closer or better communicate he will find every reason to put it off for weeks.
I can relate to ur story & thank u very much For sharing ur story at least, I now know dat I am not alone
My recommendation as a man… paragraph breaks allow the reader to easily process the information you are sharing. I suggest using multiple paragraphs when addressing different topics or transitioning to a different issue.
I stopped reading your post after six sentences because it was a long stream of consciousness post. I did not see any paragraph breaks which tell me that the author thinks so little of my time and ability to understand that she didn’t even bother to structure her communication so it can be easily followed. (Note the use of this second paragraph to segue into the next thought.)
If you put no deep thought or focus on a written communication that everyone will see, it begs the question of how intolerable your verbal, extemporaneous speech to your mate must be like, in person.
I am mildly annoyed having to write this suggestion to you after wasting my time with your poorly organized post so I cannot imagine how intolerable it must be to deal with you on a daily basis if this is how you communicate.
I mean this in all sincerity, if a man is that disengaged, get some professional help and save your relationship.
@@lb8132 Thank you for taking the time to reply and for your honesty in saying you stopped reading after my 6th sentence and why.
I am taking some time to consider the recommendations you gave and I would like to ask a couple questions for clarification. I don't have time at the moment to put them down so I would like to come back to that later if you don't mind.
@@lb8132 After more careful consideration of your recommendations(and after reading others comments in the video and most importantly after reading your replies to them), I no longer have any clarifying questions for you.
It is clear to me now that it was never your intention to actually be helpful when you decided to reply to my comment.
Also I am grateful that you only got to my 6th sentence and stopped reading.
Have a good day.
Hey,how are you? I just wanted to say that I hope you're doing better in your relationship and I wanted to let you know that you're not alone,I find myself in a extremely similar situation with my wife(I'm your husband in my own situation),if I could give you some insight is that I don't mean to hurt my wife,I love her but sadly sometimes I do without any intention to do so and that is very sad and when she tells me it's like I don't want to accept it bc I didn't mean to and in my mind I say to myself that I gotta deny this and it will go away bc that wasn't my intention but in reality it doesn't work like that bc it already happened and also I'm really hesitant to apologize bc I didn't mean too and I feel that if I apologize I'm making it real and I don't want that,I'm sorry if all this sounds very confusing,my point is your husband probably doesn't want to hurt you on purpose so he denies any conflict and doesn't apologize as a defense mechanism,like if I don't react to this it didn't happened kinda thing. Anyway that's all I wanted to say,hope you're doing better with him.
After my wife complained about me repeatedly to her friend.. how do I trust her again?
Im.leaening this the hard way.....figure out what her complaints are and think to yourself if they're valid.
If you are young and don't have kids....get out!
That is a material breach of trust. Her complaints might be valid, maybe not, but the forum for addressing those complaints is not with her friend and whoever else you don’t know about.
I do not think this is irredeemable but it is definitely a coaching opportunity with a counselor. As a man, I never listen to men complain about their wives, ever! Anytime I have ever heard it, I asked the man “what are you doing about it.” The answer is often, “nothing“. My reply, “how do you expect her to change if you don’t have the spine to correct disloyal and disrespectful behavior.” Women love being with a man they can control but they hate being married to them.
What if he doesn't like when I talk to somebody about sensitive topics? It's so irritating.
@Dillards Shopper sensitive topics I mean religions, politics and legalizing marihuana(this topic I mention lately). We visited his friends and yes, he was in the room.
Guilty 🙋🏼♂️ 😢
I cant talk to my wife about ANYTHING.
I am stressed from work? my fault.
I am feeling sick? I should put it into perspective.
I am feeling sad? Why am I such a bad christian.
Excited about something? I hope that doesnt cost money, what about x y z chore you could do instead.
I am married, but im alone.
Can the wife be criticising almost every single day and the husband has rarely done the same? Being always defensive is draining life energy.
Vineet, Thank you for your comment. We totally understand about how having to be defensive is draining. One thing that would be extremely beneficial for you to do is to consider our Marriage Foundations Course. It is over 3.5 hours of guided content from Dr. Joe & Kimberly Holmes. You will learn how to identify pushing and pulling behaviors working on you and your spouse. You will learn the proven LovePath™ to falling back in love with one another,
and you will achieve peace by knowing you’ve done the next right thing for your marriage.
We would love to see you in that course if you are serious about saving your marriage!
You can find the link here:
bit.ly/3xySqD4
You are supporting the person that is annoyed and not sounding like you're supporting the recipient at all. What if its not 100 times? What if.it's the very first time you made that particular mistake and the person is constantly putting you down? What if you had no idea that small mistake would be a major issue, because you cant read their mind?
What do you do when you find out that he complains about you to other people?
If there is a choice leave.otherwise just bear and grin and hide the hurt like a prison marriage
She's seeing another man and now all the dirty laundry is coming out..I try speaking to her and she tells me all of my flaws, but never sees her own flaws.
Friends marriage ended because the partner asked for advice they other psrtner gave it and they agreed to implement it then a week late didn't do it then yelled and said they don't know anything unreasonable accused the advice giver as being not emotionally available or being on their side Wtf😏🤔
Mine calls me names lol he won’t change tho-
Tell him it will eventually lead to him being single.....
Surtout ils faut les dénoncer à leurs propres prix et à leurs propres jeux
I find it disheartening that this channel doesn't reply to any of the people who post comments as many of the comments are questions.
It would be nice if they would even recommend another video to help answer the persons question.
Si vous voulez bien entendre je suis bien chez moi pas de douleur pas de regret et encore pas de famine je vais extrêmement superbes merci
I admit I took too long to stop being defensive, but I just feel she complains so much that it is difficult for me to evaluate when her complaints are valid or not. Starting by the fact that all the problems of our marriage are my fault... I'm so tired of being "wrong" just because I take long time to do the dishes or because I don't put the groceries in the good way after the supermarket. So we continue having arguments because of stupid things like these.
@@rhythmsteve yes, I know. I just wish I could make her happy, but I am very tired of disappointing her so often. Thank you anyway!
To the author, women love controlling a man but hate being married to them. By “them“ I mean beta males with no back bone who tolerate bad behavior and disrespect.
Sir, there is nothing wrong with your spouse. You are weak and she knows it. I promise you, she would not behave that way with any alpha on this planet which is why she chose you although she would be much happier with an alpha.
I suggest that you stop complaining on this forum which does no good for your relationship and man the hell up. Your wife treats you like a doormat because as soon as you see her, you lie down on the floor to be walked on.
@@lb8132 I don't think it' exactly like this (you don't know any of us, anyway), but thank you for your feedback
My Wife was raised to complain. I met my wife's mom and noticed the same behavior when she is around her husband too.
I wonder why my wife does it.
My wife is more of a persistent complainer. We have good days.
I'm my case if I talk about relationship challenges and I make a ok point instead of asking me a question about what I just said she complains. Feelings hurtie.
Complain = deflect
You…married…her. You tolerate bad behavior and that is why she continues to misbehave. What incentive does she have to stop?
You are an obvious beta male that women love to control but hate being married to. I guarantee you, sir, a real man would check that behavior in 24 hours and if she refused, men like me would tell her goodbye. Do you know what happens one hundred percent of the time? Of course you don’t. What happens is, she respects you and she stops that bullsh!t immediately.