Narcissistic Abuse in the Family
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- čas přidán 11. 04. 2020
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How the narcissist's grandiose sense of self and entitlement work in the family system. It covers the roles of the narcissistic parent, the enabler parent, the golden child, lost child, and scapegoated child. Special attention is paid to how the scapegoated child bears the brunt of the narcissist's relocation of her own selfishness and sense of worthlessness.
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I was a lost child handmaiden. My role was to be with and listen to my narcissistic mother - to be interested in her monologues, and impressed with her confident, competent greatness. I was completely attuned to her, but was invisible at the same time.
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Dr. Jay Reid, thank you so very much! It is difficult to find in-depth discussion on this particular topic. So valuable! You have no idea how much you have helped me. Am 54 years old, and just sorting out the depth and magnitude of the abuse and neglect I experienced in my family. Keep up the great work. xo
Thank you again, Luther. I am so glad that you found this material to resonate after surviving what it sounds like you went through. And thanks for the encouraging and motivating words.
I have four siblings. What I learned is the scapegoat designation is permanent. The other siblings will actively or passively reinforce the scapegoat designation for their own self interests. In hindsight I guess I don't blame them. I thought my parents influence would weaken once me and my siblings became adults. But this didn't happen. Despite all my successes and accomplishments I was still relegated as the scapegoat.
One other observation I made was my mother chose my younger brother as her golden child. But one time she showed up to his fourth grade class unannounced and he was visibly embarrassed of her. She never let him live it down. So my brother eventually became a lost child along with my other brother. My older sister was the lost child until high school. This is when she became popular and succeeded academically, she was always pretty. This is the same time her and my mom became close. This is when my sister graduated to golden child.
I was the golden child, scape-goat, parentified, emotionally incested and hand-maid. I excelled in school, developed an eating disorder and more. In recovery. Thanks for your insight and valuable information.
Yep. I can relate.
same here
Did you become the scapegoat later? It happened to me: first golden child, now scapegoat. And a chronic eating disorder as well.
Trying to make sense of this in my family with siblings who are narcissists, too. It’s all so confusing, and I’m trying to pull away and recover. Very hard.
Hugs xo
Yes they appear worth more then others but not the Covert Narcissist they play the role of the victim yet are the ones who start the problems & are quietly full of jealousy & hatred
Just described my whole family. Wow. Life seems so much easier to understand now.
I love your vids. I am a scapegoated child.
Love to you. Focus on your recovery. Journal your feelings. It will get better.
I had 2 narcissistic parents, mom covert, dad grandiose. My older sister was golden child and is now a grandiose narcissist too. I was the scapegoat. I cant find many videos on both parents being narcissistuc. It may be unusual but it was the case in my family. Would be great if you could make one Dr Reid.
Me too! Same scenario described here….
Both my parents were Narcissists also. Extended family also demonstrated similar behaviors. There was no one to turn to.
Omg! That sounds like my family as well! It would be great to listen to a video with both parents being narcissistic
My in-laws were malignant covert father in law, covert mom...who was the enabler.
I'm the scapegoat. I was born in the 3rd of 5 children. All the rest of my family are narcissists. I felt so out of place as a child. I didn't fit in my own family. I used to fantasize that I had a secret twin and that me and my twin were kind to each other and got on great
I used 2 have a whole array of imaginary friends i so relate
I can relate so much to this. Born the younger child out of 2. I've always felt like the outcast in my family and as a kid used to imagine I had a twin who was kind to me and I to them.
@@rachelm5276 I'm glad I'm not the only one. When you think about it, it's t's a totally understandable fantasy for child rejected by their family to have
“The stuf that really matters
to them, they keep in a safe”
Well then, that obviously does
*not* include their children!!! 😤
***I'VE ALWAYS BELIEVED THAT when the narcissist criticizes the self-aggrandizing that OTHERS may be engaged in, that they are literally JEALOUS that those OTHERS are out-performing them in the self-aggrandizing !!! The narcissist WISHES they could self-aggrandize to the same HIGH LEVEL that they see others doing!!!****
Great point! Maybe such legitimate self-pride is seen as threatening because it reflects what the narcissist does not have. I think, too, even when someone else is not overtly self-aggrandizing the narcissist can still claim the other person really "thinks he/she is better than everyone else" as a smokescreen for her own such grandiose beliefs.
@@jreid-heal-narcissistic-abuse yeh, the cruel things my mum said to me last year, they came literally moments after i said id never felt my job was safer (ie," I am valued at work") That made her cross 🙄 her sisters had careers but she has always mocked women who need a career to have a sense of themselves. Her words. I tried to be neutral and say "also, identities aside, a salary is never unwelcome! but she poopooed that notion. And seconds later she said a load of cruel things to me. Im a single parent and i think she would prefer i was financially dependent on my m&d! They think they OWN me because they gave me money towards my house. I am grateful, but i dont think they bought the right to be deliberately cruel.
@@jreid-heal-narcissistic-abuse out performing a narc which we all eventually do because we aren't entitled is a threat for them so they will try to smear naturally or abuse in some ways. Being good at stuff is a threat for them , they will project , abuse or try to destroy , image or reputation or sabotage on same way.
Scapegoat kid right here. Had 40 years off the abuse. I’m 5 years no contact in January. I have come along way. I thought I would be further along the healing process by now
Be kind to yourself. Your recovery may take your life- you deserve it.
Do you mind me asking how do you deal with holidays during no contact? I'm fine the whole year until winter comes along.. it can get dark
@@idontknow-lc8bz I had to stop drinking. Would say I drank to cope. I really struggle in the winter all the time. I think I’m still in survival mode rather than thrive
@@idontknow-lc8bz service to the needy.
This exactly describes my family of origin and our roles.The continual trauma is intensified by the depth of cruelty and cultural denial. This is such an accurate and astute description of this pattern that I feel a little more free suddenly. Thank you, Dr. Reid!
My while childhood, I felt a message inside that if I live, I'm somehow harming my parents. That only they should live. As I listen to these videos explaining the narcissist's "logic", it helps so much. Very grateful.
Hello Jay
I have watched a number of your videos on narcissistic abuse and I cannot thank you enough for putting into words and a framework to essentially articulate my life experience. Everything I lived and have questioned my entire life has been described to the last detail in your explanations. I am so grateful to you for giving the gas lighting an origin. I feel a sense of peace and validation that I am not crazy, but I am a survivor. Please keep up your work, it is life changing.
Have had imaginary relationships to survive the horrific loneliness of being a caregiving Golden child to my mother. Several hospital stays. Labelled schizophrenic or schizo-affective. Brother died 32. Hide from most who just label advise or criticize, without knowing or realising what we went through. Angry, guilt & remorseful that i was so manipulated i gave up on my own life & dreams to get relief of some sort. Keeping myself afloat emotionally is aided by medication. My brother was scapegoat until he died. Then i was the target.
i was the scapegoat i am 2 years and 7 months into my healing trauma journey , my siblings became narc or strong narc traits, i am highly sensitive person that developed and survived 2 years of living alone with the narc parent from 16-18 and the first 16 with both parents, by using the fawn response, that was killing me. I looked for a solution in alcohol, and many places. I am happy for support groups for survivors but they can attract narcisistic people that also like to pull manipulative games so sometimes i get validation from youtube. I identify so much for the need for fairness because as the scapegoat i got the shortest end of the stick no matter how perfect i was i could never be seen and often got raged at on the daily with unreasonable chores to do in the house, a high control / demand relationship with the narc parent, fun was targetted and the things that i liked doing like socializing where targetting in very difficult years specially 16-18 in a new country where i had already the pressure of being a teenager and make friends. I started my recovery by finding safe people who could validate my feelings initially because i carried on in survival responses of scapegoat fawn and was allowing abuse in a job. As i shared with safe enough people they encouraged me to not tolerate psycological abuse. I started setting and holding boundaries and if they where not respected i left. I felt a sense of victory when i walked out that job, it was the first time in a while i stuck to my inner child and my gut feeling instead of caving in to what abusive people where telling me. From that moment on i promised my inner child i would always listen to him when he told me things where uncomfortable, or things he really enjoyed. I had to supress my gut and my inner child to survive abuse by a narc parent, but now i dont have to supress anything at all, quite the opposite helps me. A healthy self-expression and authenticity for which i had to learn to connect to myself and honor my feelings and healthy anger, and boundaries, to allow to slowly keep feeling safer to open up in my expressiveness and authenticity. There is plenty of resources out there in the field of healing developmetal trauma and cptsd and narc abuse. I like somatic experiencing and have done emdr. Thanks for this channel i check out the videos while enjoying a coffee or two!
Great stuff, one of very few channels talking about narc mothers and scapegoated sons.
Vulnerable Narcissist-mother. Enabler/disconnected-father. Golden child-eldest son. Forgotten child-middle son. Scapegoat-youngest/daughter….me😥🤐😶thanks Jay🙏
I wish you could be my therapist
Your discussions on the enabler parent is spot on. My dad knows my mother is flat out dangerous but he will not do anything. She practically had a heart attack for my dad getting vaccinated. (By the way I wonder if there is a connection between narcissism and conspiracy theories and extremely fringe political/religious beliefs). I was a combination of all three types of children because I was an only child. I think I was the golden child till I grew up and began the scapegoat.
Great explanation, very validating.
..thank you!
Glad it was helpful!
This is good. Really accurate!
You just described my life growing up. The truth hit me hard just now. Oh man. Why would people do that to someone else? Nothing but a repository, an object for their regulation. I was trashed. I'm working on fixing things now. Thanks.
Who you are in a narcissistic family, is who you are assigned to be. Both my GC brother and me (SG) have a great sense of humor. However, he was assigned the role of "the funny one." My jokes were not funny, according to the narc, were inappropriate, insulting, hurtful, offensive, etc. I was assigned the "dour one." No humor, always angry, always crazy, completely unhinged, etc.
Thank you so much...my dad was a narcissist as well as my mother and then he became paralyzed and she turned into a full blown narcissist and it's a mental battle sometimes I think I'm going to go crazy. They also made me and my brother depended on them we work in low income jobs an I'm already 31 an it sucks an also I couldn't last in relationships because of my mental abuse an all that emotional problems I had. I'm alone and I had a child by a narcissist boyfriend in the past. I'm stuck for now but I know I should change my life but I'm always depressed and when I have an idea I don't work on it. But I believe there will be hope for me I'm just financially trapped but it all will take time. Thanks for the videos it helps me mentally I just found you.
@ Viralmeme : Keep writing...it helps with feelings & to get your ideas out safely. Either on here or in private.
Thank you Jay! The BEST video by far on CZcams of the narcissistic family dynamic! I will journal these nuggets & rewatch this video! This helped me understand why my Narc dad told me at 8-years old I needed to be knocked of my white horse - never understood why a parent would tell an 8-year old this; however, I am the "scapegoat" of the family.
This is so accurate. I just wish the volume was increased. It is a challenge to hear the information.
I tell you what, it is interesting to see how you've evolved over the past 2 years. I say this, as it was this time and date last year, when a huge influx of people started to become aware of this. It's almost like this stuff works in cycles. This might be one of the flagship videos that was used to start bringing it in. What's also bizzare, is having lived through an entire cycle of being fully aware of it now, and how that awareness has changed everything. It's like having a spotlight a gun held at it permanently. The great collective awakening, the great rude awakening for narcissists 🤦
Hi Dr. Reid!! Amazing video!!! I believe that unfortunately, my dad is a narcissistic loser, and he wants to feel brainwashed that I’m his personal, emotional dumpster.
This is so helpful , causes a crippling belief tho which as u said so false that there is something wrong with u , which is al the illusion of this sickness of mind control
Thank you for this video.
How can we recover when we have walked away? When the person who should have cared did their best to destroy us, to take away all the things that were our birthright, our talents and potential? How do we salvage anything from the wreck we have become?
I don't know. Maybe I just feel a little tired and down right now. I'm fighting some serious illnesses which I believe have been brought on by severe and chronic stress. It all seems so bleak.
It will improve. Keep working on understanding what you’ve gone through and who the dysfunctional people in your family really are. You are far better off without them. I have been no contact with my mother, father, brother, and sister for five months and feel I’m getting better every day. Surrounded yourself with good, compassionate people.
@@kelliwhittaker7502 Thank you so much Kelli. Your words mean a lot to me. Thankfully I have made a little more progress and am feeling hopeful again.
I wish you peace and healing, and I am so glad you got the opportunity to go NC too. If at any point you feel stuck, remember your own words: "It will improve."
Understanding ((hugs)) should you need them :)
@@nenasadie thank you. So glad to hear you are better. 🧡
Thanks Jay. This is very helpful. I’m listening again, and hearing new parts to this.
Wishing all well on their healing journey. I want to especially encourage those who grew up in a family like this and as adults now act out in their own relationships.
I’m from a huge family, I’ve especially seen this with 2 brothers and 2 sisters. It takes super
strength to address this- unfortunately my siblings haven’t and married people who more or less take care of them. Everything looks ok on the outside.
I found myself as a brave internaliser, so fought for all and very introspective that’s driven by anxiety and self doubt. Externally I’m extroverted, competent and a bit scattered. I’m over responsible and easily manipulated, by those who seem in a one down position. I married a very sneaky abuser. I’m now aware of the scapegoat position I hold. It’s very important to be educated on this and take brave action. Family funeral with full religious regalia of a 95 year old female despot was a piece of theatre. I was not present- obituaries etc available. Unfortunately several precious years were wasted in poor therapy where I was held absolutely to blame. Crazy…I was sticking with this I had 2 small kids.
Firstly to the partners of abused people- no matter the horrors of his/ her childhood. Meanness to you or the kids is never ok. Be that sulking, raging or anything else. You are in an equal relationship. Your good heart may want to mind them. Another piece is that anxiety can need serious treatment. There can be layers to this that can also hold depression. Medication is often helpful and necessary. Good therapy that involves Body Based Approaches, Psychoeducation and Living Skills development
Is necessary. Not broad based psychotherapy where a lot of poor therapists can hide- amongst very capable and ethical ones. For everyone who rages at their family- I have one particular brother in mind. I would say to the him, or any other rager- Every Single Time That You Are An As*hole to people close to you, And You Do Not Stop. Apologise , Take Action To Atone and Do Better- She Wins- Yes Every Single Time. Be Brave Don’t Be an As*hole, Don’t Fall into a Shame Attack where you leave Others to Fix It. Go For Self Compassion- and from there find something that works- I think it might be something similar to 12 Steps. Russell Brand on CZcams presents these with a lot of humour and plenty of the F Words. I think they could be applicable for some many- this is using creative pragmatism to engage with what works.
My tyrannical 95 year old mother was buried a few
ago and now the dysfunction continues. People here own your own sh*t- mine is a stuckness in going over information and not taking bold action with paperwork and being ready for a kind of selfish, positively aggressive fight. Maybe someone here will see this and see my blind spot.
From a spiritual perspective, I am really looking at of my narcs' parent life. Every single word she said. It's serious work in undoing the damage done by these little scamps. Her bidding for her family. If I didn't do this work, I'd be sitting on the floor talking to my toenails. Having witnessed a tribe of lunatics is quite a sight. I believe all the people here could write a movie or a book depicting quite a fantasy that was unfolding right before their eyes. Being adopted as a baby is a tricky thing. And all I can say Is "Blood Is thicker than water". Some people have no business adopting a child just to mentally torture them.At least I have some answers for it all, now. And you and I don't owe anyone by carrying their personal baggage, their emotional belongings.. And when you feel that weight, you start seeing the weight of others' and that is why you stop being so nice. A people pleaser. It's an old, dirty habit they taught you to be able to stand them. And to give you relief with that atta boy or atta girl pat on the head. Like a dog or a slave. Let that compulsion to keep doing that die with them. It Never was who you ever were. Because you can never get anywhere in life catering to big children who don't share their toys. Time is on your side now. Watch the movie "Seize the Day". A 1986 movie with Robin Williams". The best movie about these matters ever made. I refuse to pity people any longer. Thats how they get to you. And you are no ones' whipping girl or boy. We are all equal in Gods eyes. And I thank him for helping me to give me tbe wisdom to understand that family. Not my family. "The family". The blob. That mysterious insidious blob of shame. No thank you. There's just' too much joy in life I want to feel. Sorry for them theyll always be stuck in it blindly. If you are stuck in a bad way like I know I was in the scapegoated role, know that youre absolutely right to get out. Or learn all about their shared mental affliction. If this power play involves assets stay there and get you some. I'm sure you earned it. And the way to play their game us to know that evil is working through them. Ive seen this 3 times in my life. The trick is to keep them off limits to your emotions and your feelings. Tbey never had the right to be there in the firat place. Thats God's territory. It was never theres at all. Protect your mind from their damaged souls.
There's so many people that enable and support narcissists that I have seen and this is why I am always disorientated and frustrating and angry.
I can relate go most/alot of these terrible feelings, even many people outside family ...
These feelings are Hell; lack of empathy, endless tactics, always on guard, loss of self and selfish delusions.
Psychological torment distortions.
Why do i always come across people that LIKE narcissists?
I think the golden child was my mother herself.
My evil narcissist mother was the golden child in her family. It seems my narcissist grandmother taught my mother very well how to be a terrible evil narcissist mother.
I’m heartbroken that my narcissistic father has turned my own dear brother against me.
It’s taken me being in my fifties to understand that my Narcissistic father did the same thing with my siblings and I.
@@dnk4559 me too and it doesn’t change after the death of the primary abuser.
@@melliecrann-gaoth4789 yes, sadly after my father passed last May things got worse. My level of denial about how my siblings felt about me is epic. Thankfully therapy has helped me process that they do not feel about me the same way I’ve always felt about them. I’m sorry you have experienced a similar situation.
Very good video. Just subscribed
Thank you for making these videos.. I’ve spent my entire 20s in a haze, blaming myself for everything small thing.. I’m finally able to explain how I’ve been treated & what exactly happened in my childhood. I’m finally able to piece together the puzzle. I can’t thank you enough.
You're incredibly brave for confronting your past and seeking understanding. It's a significant step towards healing and reclaiming your life. Keep moving forward!
Please consider a video to explain family dynamics when a narcissistic father declares himself a minister and uses his supposedly G-dly status to abuse family or even literally exile family members.
I have narcissistic parents and my brother has also become like him. I don't know how to escape from this place, they threaten me that they will kill me if I move out or make any decisions for myself. I am really exhausted, I don't want police intervention as they will become more enraged.
Great channel....thank you!
Thank you Jay!
Hey Jay Reid! You really validate the experiences of narc abuse. I really appreciate this and also I'm feeling what you're saying is helpful for me to feel more and more compassion for myself. Thank you!
wonderful video. thank you!
Y maternal granparents had a system.. which everyone had to go along with. Stemmed from and mirrored their family dynamics. First with their children, then the grand children.
Myself.... Scapegoat/ throw away. Not allowed to have any kindness , opportunities. Was falsley labeled, " having my own mind", blamed for things the other children did, deserved abuse because i was " bad". Had no worth
Brother... Invisible genious.. held in regard no matter how mentally disordered he was... Showed signs of psychopathy and sexual abuse) because of abuse and sexual abuse)as a toddler. They were afraid of him and his behavior getting out -politician grandfather s career and reputation might have been ruined
2 youngest sisters.... Golden children. Only ' accepable" children. Got all the opportunities, praise and value. Could do no wrong
I had broken away from them, after being " thrown away", after my father s death. A couple of his brother s came up to me after the funeral, wanting to throw my mother in my lap. Trying to make me responsible for her care Found out, was to drag me down, punish me for escaping and standing up to abusers, drag me down ... Put me back into an extremely abusive situation to punish/ destroy me andy daughter, for doing so.
Thank you for your videos. They are very helpful to my life.
Yes. My fam of origin. Mummy narc, dad enabler, brother golden boy and me, scapegoat. In a nutshell!
Thank you I am remarkable
SADLY THE NARC IS NOT ONLY IN THE FAMILY BUT EVERYWHERE WHEN IT COMES TO THE CHOSEN ONES
Thank you for your very clear explanations of these roles!
Easy to understand.
I like all vids I have listened to yet
it is very helpful, and I wish many find their patterning, and can break out of them
.... and I can wonder if I was the lost child/wallpaper, in childhood, which turned the tables, and went to the scapegoat/rebel in my adulthood, after many yrs in intrained into an enabler position (as most women are, by the social-cultural structures). I wonder if the rebel also is the aka scapegoat, as I feel they sit together. It has taken more than half my life, many yrs of working in periods, to find out of all this confusion, one gets, and sort of brainwashed, into believing, in others authority over. Happily Freer, See it when its coming today, a bit allergic to too high narcissistic traits in others still. Some daily work to do yet.
This is fantastic! How can I get you more views on this ?
Thanks again, Shawn. I appreciate your question, too.. If you know of folks who might benefit, don't hesitate to pass the link along.
I am always a little confused when I hear you say that we live in a culture that doesn't like self absorbtion. It's quite the opposite in my experience.
I’m just curious 🧐, so I’m asking, with my inquiring 🤨 mind.
What do you think would be most important to this sort of parent, in their old years, when an adult child needs to care for them?
Do you know if they would rather live with the scapegoat, as their guardian, or would it be more important for them to be around the child they idolize, as representing what they believe to be their own grandiose’s traits?
I am the enabler or I was...
My daughter is an enabler, what did it take for you to actually wake up? My daughter watched her covert narcissist father abused me & her scapegoat brother however, she does not want to know. She puts blindfolds & ear muffs on I believe because she finaly got his attention after 10 years of him abandoning them as I raised them. She is trauma bonded to him, it's very disturbing.
😥 yeh.
Daphane sent me 🙃
Anyone ever hear of a scapegoated child turning out to be a worse narcissistic human than the parent was when they are older?
I’m a scapegoat child and my sister also was one for a few years after I left home. It seems she has taken on the narcissist parental traits. She refuses to get any therapy for all the trauma we went through and drinks instead. She’s in her fifties now and her behavior is so reminiscent if not worse than our father’s.
Wow 😯‼️
Are you (absolutely) sure you are not talking about church⁉️😳
… Or church system, rather.