Break Free: Essential Steps to Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
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I forgive Myself for believing & just hoping..that they loved me, as I loved them.
Yes, your comment is pinnacle advice for a survivor's well being.
Forgiveness for ourselves is crucial for healing.
Being in a relationship with someone who never loved in the first place is the most difficult part to understand.
Empathetic LOVE is not a two way street with narcs.
Survivors blame and shame themselves for loving someone who wasnt reciprocal.
Me too! The first real step
This is exactly what I needed to see. My narcissistic mother-in-law never loved me. I wanted that love because of how much I love her son and yet, she verbally and emotionally abused me time and time again. No matter what I did, it never changed and got worse. Her behavior toward me was a reflection of herself, not who I am. I am a kind and loving person. I do not deserve to blame or shame myself for the hurt she inflicted on me. Forgiveness of myself is crucial to heal.
I feel like such an idiot
@@bobjoe761 No.
Please don’t feel like that.
You’re not an idiot. They’re monsters in disguise..they tricked us. They’re skilled.
They’ve tricked many..
You didn’t walk toward them with your heart open, knowing that they were there to abuse and use you.
To hurt you..
We can’t expect people to love us, the way that we love them.
We move slower. We now see the red flags and heed them.
We put ourselves, & any children possibly involved, first.
(New concept, hey? Us first?!)😁
An idiot, you are not.
You’re certainly not alone in feeling that way either. You’ve got a whole group of people understanding & supporting you now.
You’re aware, & you’re growing and learning. It hurts, but as you know, the alternative to learning and growing is much worse.
Keep changing your life.
You are doing so well!
You Need You. Show yourself some compassion too please.
An idiot you are not.
You just didn’t know...
☮️+🫶🏻
We're the innocent one's here. Healing begins with seeing things as they're. Not sugar coating and not self blaming.
I agree.There is not always a cause for their abusive behaviour.
They want us to believe that we are the cause,but no,we are not the cause,my behaviour is based on my causes,their behaviour is based on their causes.There is not always a "we" in the situation.Even if they tell it's karma they tell we deserve but that's not true,getting abuse is passivity,they deserve us to standing up against their abuses and that's our active karma not to taking the abuse. They can explain always what we deserve after a time lies are boring.And knowledge about abuse can make us free.Most of the people are dumbed in the abuse theme for some fake society acceptance.
@@DzsM-rz7gu What becomes so difficult is that we not only have to learn not to accept the shame that the narcissist puts on us, we also have to learn not to accept the shame that others put on us.
I find that no matter how diligently I try to help them understand the blame belongs on the narcissist they refuse to realize the reality of what they are doing.
I have so many times had to walk away from the friend (for a time, one that I had turned to for a soft place to land) because they are unwilling to hold the narcissist accountable for their actions.
At this point I am not only grieving the loss of something that had not existed in the first place, I am losing a friend (often a best friend).
We are trying to learn to trust ourselves. Just know that you know. Continue to trust yourself. They possibly don't want to see. Hold onto yourself healing friend ❤
@@viviankirkham1677 Sometimes it is not an old friend returning that brings comfort and replaces the soft place, rather it is a new friend that comes into our lives. Waiting for the unknown is more difficult.
What about never ending shame
Absolutely red flags classes should be taught in school or at least a unit during health class.
ABSOLUTELY !
I don't know which country you live in but we used to have a subject called humanities... I think the Greek myths, some aspects of history and even geography invoke conversations about fairness, reasonability and then there's always that one who behaves like they are the centre of the universe. Poetry was useful for this even. Humanities have been banished from school and university curriculum in favor of ' applied ' science, STEM and now apparently we can infer everything we need to know about humans from evolutionary biology, which personally seems to me to be a new religious template for domination, not for coexistence or adaptation. Also, when music becomes an extra, not a foundational learning, we lose some rootedness in feeling. Just my two cents from Australia.
Absolutely!
1. 0:26 - Let go of the self-blame
2. 6:38 - Focus on forgiving yourself
3. 15:42 - Embrace your feelings
4. 23:37 - Seek support
5. 32:24 - Make time for self-care
Thanks for taking notes. I appreciate it
Thank you for the timestamps. ⏲
This is amazing
Dr.Ramani, You deserve the Nobel Prize.
Saving so many souls who suffered from narcisstic abuse.❤
It's so hard hearing a narcissist being negative for 30 minutes; it breaks down your positive energy vibe. You don't want to say one thing wrong because you don't want to piss someone off, so it's like you're just walking on eggshells.
Living with a narcissist , is a one way dead end street
How bout working for a super narc family member. I was never more alone -worst than being married to a grandiose narc. Forgiving myself- took
a while -you hit a wall just now - narc parenting =shut down our feelings. 😂
yes... i had to take distance from my parents (and i can't handle it good since i so want my father to 'hear and see me', since it's my mom who is narc & pulls him in her spiderweb, so i'm bad garl), this has never happened in my whole environment nor 'family' that a daughter stops talking to parents (imagine what an evil woman they say i am...), hugs from Belgium (no one, no one understands exept all pple here)
@@chrisnam1603I so understand you.❤
@@ornatal2365 awwww, hugs!
Which is why they desperately want you forced to live with them
I ignored the red flags, because I was so desperate to keep trying to make the relationship work. Plus his behavior was similar to what I grew up with, so it was familiar and I thought I could handle it. I believed the lies and future faking- I was still naive. Then I got pregnant. Finally divorced after 20 years. I had to stay to protect our children. I feel destroyed by his abuse. Recovery is hard work, especially because I still have to interact with him to some extent about kids. I don’t forgive him. He’s a horrible person. The women before me got away from him. I’m just really sad I was the one who got caught long term and had children with him.
Omg. So sorry for keeping up that long...I'm happy, I didn't create children.
When I heard, person thereatened me to have a second wife as Im not good enough cook, cleaner, servant...
He would take outside for showcasing, the prettier, eliter, and wanted to keep me as servant
..then I dropped that Crazy,mental, lunatic person😂
it takes immense strength and courage to go through what you have and process it all. I wish you much strength and resiliance in your journey to recovery. And remember you‘re never alone; there‘s always people who have your best interest at heart. ❤
You sound as if you are ready to cope with the hard work of recovery. I admire you & wish I was (properly) there. Enjoy starting to fulfill your potential at last ❤
I can relate to so much of your story. I am a good way into my recovery, just starting to feel alive again. I can tell you from here that the painful, difficult and often lonely path to recovery is so worth it. I still have more of this path to tread, but I barely recognise myself anymore - in a good way. The weariness, the self-blame, the shame, the anger, it’s either gone or nearly gone. I recognise my worth and can draw boundaries. The fear has diminished. The confusion is gone - I see things in my life clearly now. Our child is just about adult, there are fewer reasons to interact. I’m SO glad I stepped onto this path back to myself, and did the work. You deserve to feel peace. You have given yourself an immense act of self love by walking out of the relationship. I wish you a smooth and comfortable ride into a happy future!
@@Gypsywandering400congrats ❤️ you are strong
Ask them to do something for you. Something small. Something you would do for them with no hesitation. If they are narcissistic or otherwise toxic, it will ALWAYS go at least 1 of 4 ways (though sometimes these reactions may compound): They will act as though they didn’t hear you. Depending on how long you’ve been in the relationship, you may ask again. If it’s been long enough, you’re likely to drop the request right then and there.
They will promise to do it, but never follow through.
If you ask again or remind them, they will usually have some kind of excuse. In these cases, they will still never actually fulfill their promise. Their excuse is not a reason for lagging, it is the reason they should be absolved from all expectation whatsoever. Often this excuse will be meaningless or an outright lie.If you don’t buy their excuse, and tell them so, you will experience the wonderful segue into reaction.
An argument will ensue
The argument will be your fault. It could be a small back and forth contending against your request, or it might quickly devolve into them screaming at you. You never know which it will be. They might even say outright that you should never ask or expect anything from them. Usually they will express that you are asking too much, hurting them in some way (financially, emotionally, insulting them, etc), or attack your character.
The argument will only end when you relinquish your request + apologize, or start ignoring them completely. If you can ignore them long enough, they may apologize to you. However, the conflict will never feel truly resolved.
At this juncture they may actually end up giving you what you asked for. Often this does require you admitting that you don’t really need it, or that you would be fine with what they suggested instead. This leads us to reaction
They give you what you asked for, BUT
There is ALWAYS a catch. It might be small. They show up late with no apology. They buy you what you wanted, but it’s the wrong color, model, brand, etc. They take you where you wanted to go, but pressure you the whole time you’re getting ready because you’re going to be sooo late. Then they want to leave early anyway. It might be worse. They do it out of anger, and make a big display out of it to scare/hurt you. They hold it over your head until you do something for them first. Or, later on, they use it against you. “I did x for you, so you should do y for me.” No matter what, you never actually feel fulfilled, happy, or loved when they do something for you. Somehow, even from the getgo, there was this deep-seated feeling of guilt and fear, this sense that the “special” things they were doing for you weren’t so special at all. Eventually, you become afraid to ask for anything. You’ve been conditioned to believe you deserve nothing. Ironically, or not, the less demands you make, the worse you will be treated. Moreover, Catching a cheating spouse might be difficult, and knowing what local laws say you can and cannot do might be even more difficult. To simplify the process, consider hiring a private investigator to do the sleuthing for you I genuinely appreciate how incredible you are and your work! Thank you for a job well done digitalinvestigate@gmail.com
You just wrote my story life. Hugs
I asked them to not yell at me. Something small, I never yell at them.
I forgive myself for believing he cared about me, as well as others throughout my life. My parents were narcissists so I have dealt with a lot of narcissists unknowingly because I thought that was what love looked like. I'm truly thankful for the information you share.
I can tell you, that today you forgive yourself but after sometime you will realise that you don't need any forgiveness because you weren't responsible for the bad things by being good, so when you aren't responsible, you don't even need forgiveness.
Nature doesn't work in a way where good begets bad or love begets getting abused. So whoever is responsible for manipulating nature will need forgiveness or punishment?
Keep feeling and healing. God bless you!
Me too was raised by narc parents. It is such a fragile foundation, and very very sad. Best wishes ❤️🩹
Me too.
When I went no contact with all the abusive narcissists, I literally had no one left. The grief was profound, but it also felt like a healthy clearing out, a clean slate, and making room for the empathic, reciprocal relationships I want and deserve.
Going thru this now. It's hurts
@@leehernandez8793True it hurts, feels alone , I go on listening to Dr.Ramani all these days .. Thank you so much Dr. Ramani.❤
He sure found the pot of gold with me. If it weren't for Dr. Ramani, I never would have seen it. I have been surrounded by takers my whole life.
I know what you mean 63 and only just started exit strategy after 38 yrs , if it wasn't for this type of info I'd still be thinking it s difficult but normal, I'm going for it for the final 3rd of my time here wont fall for all that again, good luck to you
It has taken me 39 yrs to realize why he has been so difficult- I now have an answer to my question-why?
I just turned 60, it took me 20 yrs ,I had no clue what a narc was,gas lighting,ghosting,trauma bonding. Wow. I hv been educated,left him in April this yr,no contact,and I'm healing,thank God
I'm a wish you plenty of blessings along your way of healing❤
Me too. Mom was the narcissist as well as manic depressive, obsessive-compulsive, and a philanderer. My husbands were narcissists as are both my children. I’m away from all of them now. Holidays are the worst. I wish I was still part of a family unit who would respect me and include me and love me. I spend my time by myself, enjoying peace and quiet for the first time in my life. I’m 75 years old. I don’t feel the need to for any new relationships at the moment. I’ve been away from my older daughter for a year and a half and my younger daughter for several months. Time will tell if I decide to try to have more relationships. Thank you all for being here in this, body of people who are recovering.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Applies to being in a relationship with a narcissist. You can't go back and change the beginning but you can start where you are and change the ending.
I think the point is to eradicate the shame, not shame yourself.
I wept as I listened to this presentation because it is so real, so true. Narcissistic Abuse Respite Care--NARC--is a necessity
We need Narcissistic Abuse Respite Centers in every part of this world.
True
The people watching these relationships blame the survivors as well, because we trusted the narc & went back. It’s hopeless to go back though. It only gets worse.
I’ve become blamed in the recent past.
People don’t understand the abuse that follows an attempted NC.
I just caved and spoke to them. Bad idea..
I’m learning to ignore the narc and the judgment from others.
I was once told the reality is I enabled this abuse and its all on me😢
@@hafswaramadhan5414 Well they certainly were incorrect, now weren’t they?
They didn’t walk in your shoes..
They have no idea.
You’re safe now.
You have people right here that understand what you went through.
We didn’t choose that abuse at all.
We just didn’t understand then.
Glad you are here.
Glad I am too.
Much better fit I’d say!
🫶🏻☮️
It's not our faults. I'm learning this now as an adult. Stepmom was an alcoholic and dad was unfortunately a very abusive control freak. My birth mom drank herself to death after trying to rescue me and herself multiple times over a 9 year span. All I know is that I am a generational curse breaker.
I died by strangulation 3 times, once from meth over dose and gang raped as a teenager. I am blessed to be alive. I know alot of my choices weren't perfect.
My mom died at 36 and I'm 49. I have made it past that part of the gauntlet. Next is my grandfather's age 99 years old. He went peacefully in his sleep with a smile on his face at home.
Thank you Dr. Ramani for all of your videos.
💜💕🦋🔥👑🔥🦋💕💜
@@ScorpionMaiden75, i am so sorry you went through that. God bless you. You are strong.❤
@hafswaramadhan5414 I'm so sorry you heard that nonsense! The cruel actions of someone else is never your fault. You know the truth. Hold on to that. You lived it. No one else. They don't know. Take care of yourself ❤ you matter 🫶
Knowing it is ok to acknowledge all your feelings including those you denied, is so freeing. Journaling helps
Absolutely!
I forgive myself for believing that he loved me and falling for it. I love myself enough to heal
After 28 years I have decided to go No Contact with my father. During our last moments together he was so disconnected from me I knew it was time. He has also now been radicalized by redpill content online and is no longer a covert misogynist but a very out and open one. He is far gone but I am not.
I don’t grieve him. I grieve that dad I deserved.
“I don’t grieve him. I grieve the dad I deserved.” Phewww 😮💨In the same boat, but it took me 38 years 💙blessings to us on this healing journey
What a lot of people don't realize is that forgiving someone doesn't mean they have to let them back into their lives or things have to go back to the way they were. You can forgive and still go nc to protect yourself. You can forgive and still press charges. And so on
You got that right!
Your Book "Its Not You" is helping me revive the Good in my soul thankyou so much
I grew up in the traditional Catholic church (I am 71). I never, ever heard anyone say to anyone "Have you forgiven them?" Forgiveness was between you, God and your confessor (in my case a priest). It is only in the last 20 or 30 years is your willingness to forgive someone else a topic for the entire congregation. Personally, I think this is simply a distraction so they do not need to look at their own sins. "Christians" are now the gatekeepers of everyone else's morals except their own.
Spot on!! Thanks for your eloquent comment. ❤
🎯
Sad, but true. People need to mind their own business. They don't normally know everything we've gone through.
One of the first Catholic prayers children are taught is the "Our Father" which includes the sentence: "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us." The OF is in the rosary five times and it is prayed during the Mass itself. You seem angry at the Catholic Church. May I ask what caused that?
Matthew 6:14-15
Thank you so much. It's about a month, since my ex narcissist left me devaluated as trash. This morning I felt so much pain, helplesness, sadness and even rage, that I started to thik, I'm not gona make it, I'm not gona survive it. I almost lost hope, that my life will ever change, because day by day I feel worse. This morning I even started to think about the "ultimate solution". And then this video happened. Thank you so much, that you shered the kowledge about this painful part of the process. I's much easier, when I know, it's a step forward.
I had to force the issue to really see that the friend that was the problem wasn't going to to be there for me emotionally. I went through the whole I really should forgive him thing and realized I was not It was not safe to let him come back into my life in any way, since he tried to about 10 years later with same old pattern and no apologies. Phew. Glad decided not to allow that mean chaos back in my life.🤓❤️🐉💙💙🌈🌈😎😎
Watching this mesmerizing video dredges up painful memories of the recent dissolution of my 4 year relationship. The departure of my beloved , the one I adore deeply, has left me in a perpetual state of longing. Despite my tireless attempts at reconciliation, I find myself mired in frustration, unable to shake the persistent thoughts of her. Despite my efforts to move forward, I'm compelled to share my inner turmoil and the overwhelming sense of missing her here .
Letting go of someone you love deeply presents a formidable challenge. I faced a comparable ordeal when my 6-year relationship ended. Refusing to succumb to despair, I relentlessly pursued avenues to reconcile with him. Ultimately, I sought solace and guidance from a spiritual counselor, whose intervention proved instrumental in restoring our connection.
Remarkable! How did you discover a spiritual counselor, and what's the procedure for me to get in contact with her?
Meet Suzanne Ann Walters, a renowned spiritual counselor acclaimed for her talent in bringing back ex-partners.
Many thanks for providing this valuable information; I've just conducted an online search for her. Remarkable!
❤ u. relate to you. thx u for saying it! we feel it too
My daughter learned when she found your videos, she bought your book. She did think she was to blame. She blamed herself because her young daughter saw and heard a lot. When trying to help her see that none of this was her fault, she said she allowed it to happen and allowed her daughter to see it and told me that as her mother was responsibIe and said I was saying this because I was biased..
She is recovering, she has taken her daughter on holiday and it was a pure joy to see her so happy in the photos she sent me. She looks at all your videos, thank you so much for helping her.
🥰
You are a real blessing to your daughter for being on her side and trusting her, not all mothers do this.
@DoctorRamani The moment I discovered your channel, my life changed. There is no way to tell you how much your knowledge and explanations gave me insight of what was happening in my life. I am in a 30+ years relationship and finally I understand what the hell (!!!) is happening!! I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I forgive myself for not knowing a situation before I learned it
I was raised with my mom that was very very Narcissistic and she really fucked up m life. I did'nt know about narcissists, Mom died 5 years ago and so for 56 years , she had me.
'I did"nt know why she hated me at times. I"m starting to get help and heal.
Not 30 minutes ago I was finishing up a text to my ex narc demanding to know why he lied about the weirdest thing. My mom works in the same office as me, saw what I was doing, and practically smacked the phone out of my hands. Then she reminded me that lying and bending reality are just what he does, and that I might just have to get comfortable with it being an unsolved mystery.
You two are working together to keep my gray rock no-contact alive.
Don't ask the snake why he bit you, go seek help for the poisonous bite!!
I love that- “Unsolved Mystery.” I am gonna borrow that for me! Thank you!!! ❤️
He doesn't deserve my forgiveness. He is Satan himself.
I never thought about forgiveness.
It's not a thing to me.I was always thinking about being more than them in something.That's reality.
The good is more,the bad is less.
Forgive yourself, not him
Its not about deserving. Its about your healing. Holding onto unforgiveness is like holding onto the knife that you were stabbed with. Also, on top of everything else he did to you, are you going to allow him to keep you out of Heaven? If you are a Christian, you may know that Jesus said "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us." (Mt. 6:9-13) In short, your unforgiveness stops God from forgiving your sins, even though they may be much less than his. Forgiving him does not mean what he did was okay. The rosary is a powerful prayer that helped and is helping me; it is a Scriptural meditation on the life of Jesus. Prayers for you. Also, Satan is afraid of the Blessed Virgin Mary; Jesus gave her total coercive power over all the demons. Demons have no permission to enter a house where the rosary is prayed--you need not be Catholic. Scriptural Rosary: (turn on the captions for the words): czcams.com/video/qiC2pvQLx7s/video.htmlsi=piGg6q32ohVigg4q What demons say about the Blessed Virgin Mary (exorcisms): czcams.com/video/eD0K0gRrmOE/video.htmlsi=sHT_2ojpd0oD2NDR
" And I will not be a pawn for the Prince of Darkness, any longer " 80s song by Indigo Girls
Its not about deserving. Its about your healing. Holding onto unforgiveness is like holding onto and not removing the knife that you were stabbed with . If you are a Christian, you may know that Jesus said "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us." (Mt. 6:9-13) I would forgive them to clear my own heart and have peace and goodwill and be close to God in my own soul. Anger makes it hard to be close to God-so don’t let this person do that. Forgiving a person does not mean that the evil he/she does is okay, and I would not necessarily say anything to the person about it. The rosary is a powerful prayer that helped and is helping me; it is a Scriptural meditation on the life of Jesus. Prayers for you. Also, Satan is afraid of the Blessed Virgin Mary; Jesus gave her total coercive power over all the demons. Demons have no permission to enter a house where the rosary is prayed--you need not be Catholic.
Scriptural Rosary: (turn on the captions for the words): czcams.com/video/qiC2pvQLx7s/video.htmlsi=piGg6q32ohVigg4q
What demons say about the Blessed Virgin Mary (exorcisms): czcams.com/video/eD0K0gRrmOE/video.htmlsi=sHT_2ojpd0oD2NDR
I cannot believe how Source provides. I just posted how confused I am. And this becomes today's video. Thank you. Dr. Ramani. I was low in Vibration..now I feel better. I also grounded myself. To help. The Miricle is that I did the walking meditation because I felt so poorly. Then Magically you put this Video up. Namaste
Thank you for saying that about the feeling horrible feelings and crying. The grief after discard has been overwhelming despite knowing it’s ultimately for the best. God bless you and thank u so much for posting so much content to help us!!!
Another idea for respite care: the same way as people spend a day at the spa to relax and care for our body, our skin, we could go to a place where we take care of how we feel about ourselves, have someone compliment us, highlight what we do right, celebrate the person we are, make us feel good about ourselves. Have a live, laugh, love kind of day. That would be a nice change!
i was so screwed up i question everything, i couldn’t leave the house with out ck coffee pot … i was gas lighted sooo much and trusted her …. im healing now , in the end i cared about the person and set her up for success without me . new home , car all bills paid off . she passed RIP , and that’s closure too . all with in one year of divorce…. i’m healing and growing , i’m not ever look for someone to make me complete… she was accountable 100% for her own self destruction and i miss her in some strang way … 32 years is long time. after a year a lot of light was shining on truth … i herd it all , i’m too sensitive, im imagining things , it didn’t happen like that , they play into all your sensitive spots
A respite center is a very good idea. Narcissism is not going away but we can to the respite center. We could all use an environment where we can recharge from being hammered constantly by the continual antagonism of the narcissist.
You must see your own part in why you stayed in a toxic relationship or you will repeat it with another person. Typically it has to do with you traumas, your own pain. Your unconscious beliefs play a big part.
I'm at the beginning of the "forgiving " stage now but I just Can't! The EVIL,Horrible abuse and things he did, I just can't at this moment. 😢😪
You don't have to forgive them ir anyone else.
You dont have to forgive anyone. It's about you now 🩷 the only person you need to show compassion to is yourself right now. Good luck 🫶 You've got this.
Loving all these videos to do with healing etc as wouldn’t have a clue 😢 my narcissistic person passed away on 18th July and feel so overwhelmed with different emotions
So sry...
1 of mine died Dec 15th 2023. My Dad & i talked to him every single day. Irs messed me up. I totally understand. And i am really sry for your lose. Good luck with your new journey
@@heathergatfield667 thank you, same to you too 🤗
Same, mine died 15 Dec 2022. It's been a confusing journey. But finally coming to terms with it all. Give yourself a lot of compassion and space. ((Hugs))
@@sharonrachel9487 I am in process of trying to do so, glad your feeling better in yourself 🙂
@@sharonrachel9487 oh wow...crazy how life takes us all on quite the journey
I needed to hear this today. As always, Dr R, you are spot on. Thank you for helping me keep my sanity in this relationship that I cannot escape. Yet.
Over 3 yrs post narc, no contact. I luv calling the shots!!!! I do what I want, when I want, and who I want!!!
I agree with the premise that we don’t have to “forgive” the Narcissist. How about we forgive but don’t let them know that you have…I strongly believe in the POWER of forgiveness for the forgivers sake❣️
I feel like I get some type of amnesia. When they're nice, it is all erased like you said. But the good news is that I'm seeing it very clearly now, thanks to your videos
I forgive myself for being so open, honest and being free in relationships that sifoened energy.
Good day, Dr. Ramani, I thank you for your service.
Blessings, and thank you, Dr. Ramani.
I’ve said it here before: Al-Anon. Even if there is no alcoholic in your life. It’s all codependency and trauma bonding.
The narc conditioned me to not have and express emotional feelings of grief, enjoyment, and pride within myself and outwardly to others.
Every time i would bring up having feelings, he would immediately dismiss me, isolate himself, and shut down and all communication of love is void.
8 years of this tormenting response from him and i was a shell of my former self.
I can look back and recognize how i had to stop Expressing my emotions.
The only feeling the narc accepted from me was anger.
It is stomach churning and unimaginable how a narcissist will be fueled by anger from the supply source.
When i expressed fear at couples therapy- as soon as we arrived home he gave me bullets.
To feel safe.
I agree completely with the social connectedness. I grew up in the 50's and 60's when everyone one had a stay at home mom. I have had counselors say to me "How did they not find you rocking in a corner" as a result of the things I experienced at home. I believe it was because despite my parents not attending, my mother insisted that my sister and I go to Catholic school, attend mass every Sunday and holidays, go to confession, not eat meat on Fri etc. In addition, I lived in a residential area with several kids my age so I was always outside playing, we walked to school everyday, played everyday, one of the father's of the kids took us to the "swimming hole" every night in the summer. I have always believed that these social connections were what made the insanity that occurred in our home (not all the time) more tolerable. When we moved for two years at the age of 10 to another state my life started to fall apart and I started to have real problems like anxiety attacks. When we moved back to the area and I was in a similar environment, my problems did not completely subside (I still had the anxiety attacks) but I was better able to cope.
Forgiveness is for you, and it's good for you. Forgiveness is not putting yourself in a place to get hurt again!!!
You don't actually have to forgive someone else's betrayal for "yourself" I'm quite happy not forgiving what was done to me and living my life. The not forgiving is something they deserve.
Thank you for being the only calm voice in my head today❤
I believe forgiveness is for me. When we forgive those that make our lives miserable, really see them for what and who they really are, we regain our power. Forgiveness doesn't mean reconciliation.
thank you for encouraging me to feel....my feelings make me so nervous and scared and managing them seems sooo foreign....thank you..I will persevere and when I cant I will because God has sent me to you to get this message to progress in a positive way. thank you!!!
I had kept on thinking he was having a bad day. Was just grumpy. All the compassion I gave a got scraps of. Thought someone paying all the bills was a way of showing love. Being a provider does not mean that there is love and respect. I lumped it all together. To my huge mistake.
To be clear I have a daughter with him. Love my kid and would go through it all over again to have her in my life. Lol I just wouldn’t have taken 22 yrs to figure out the mess we were.
I can forgive -
I hope I have forgive - maybe I am working my way up to forgiveness. But one thing for sure / I will never compromise on my boundaries and allow that demon in my space again.
Been healing for two years. I still dont date. But i also recognize red flags a lot easier than before. If i see em i avoid em. Thus no dating. My mantra has been never again. Ill never let a person have that kind of sway or power again. Traumatic af. Never again
I made the mistake of dating too soon, so I get it. I would question the red flags, but then overlook them, because I wanted to be with someone too much. Then I ended up in another similar situation. So, good luck to you. Stick to your values and listen to your intuition.
You are so awsome I’ve been married to a narcissist for 50 years this past week has been the worst you have given me encouragement thankyou
How I wish You Dr Ramani were the Therapist I went to post Seperation, because I did believe I was the idiot my ex kept telling me I was........
Told I wouldn't manage on my own.......
The therapist just said, so your here to see whether your a idiot or not!!!!!!
How I wish you were my Therapist.
I am crying whilst listening to your Podcast this morning, it feels so cleansing, it was my Old Life.
How you have helped to Empower me, no more looking in the rear view mirror, it's time to enjoy the things I used you, and find peace and freedom once again.
Bless you Dr Ramani for saving me
I grew up as the black sheep. its a daily struggle not to hate myself. but time and hard work (and a little bit of luck meeting good people) have helped immensely
Black Sheep is another word for those who stand up against what's not right within our family circle and fight against them. The black sheep are actually those who sweep things under the carpet and pretend it's not happening
Your videos are saving my life Dr. Ramani
I think I was trained to take on the responsibility from my family with the dangerous statement added “you can do anything you set your mind to”
As positive as that sounds on the surface, full of hope and possibility, it also means that 1) we have power over anything and 2) if it doesn’t work, we must not have actually fully put our mind to it, there is more we could have done…I.e. our fault.
Yesterday was my daughter‘s birthday. I haven’t seen her in almost 2 years. I thought I was handling the day pretty well. I was in my car going to do a fun errand. The thought crossed my mind “it’s her birthday“ and I broke down. I wasn’t crying, I was howling in pain.. Knowing that I don’t plan on seeing her again broke my heart yet again. I won’t go back into that relationship, but I have a feeling the pain of losing my child will always be with me.
Social connections matter so much, it helped me leave the abusive Narc and helped me make sense of myself and what was happening and how to move on from that abuse. Social connectedness, I notice on forums and group posts is a big issue, many people are isolated and or alone. It's a muscle to flex that helps flush out the rough stuff you inherit from abusive families, abusers and also the abusive message of a society that tells you not to trust anyone. It's so important and it is now the bedrock of my support system when going back out there and dating. We need each other, we need people, we need community/the circle.
Loved the "dry erase board" comment about how a narc perceives forgiveness! So true. My narc said (after a period of my no contact), "It's 2024. I want things to be better and be a 2024 version of me. Please give me another chance." Guess I'm to forget all the nasty things said, repeated future faking, etc. and just forgive it all? Fool me once....but fool me twice??? 🤬
GREAT commentary!
I’ve been thinking about that T-shirt all day long. If ever there were ‘It’s Not You’ tshirts or sweatshirts I would buy one of each. Great video today like always!❤
I have not watched the entire vid , and I am already inspired with this empathetic Dr. whom I have watched many of her vids, ever so thankful she is available to help others and myself from this terrible affliction known as Narcissism... You go Dr. Ramani, the world will thank you in the essence of time..
I love your videos so much 🙏🏽❤️
it does help for me to hear healing is feeling..ive developed, quite by accident a rather unsettling gabapentin addiction due to not wanting to feel...and im trying to stop this from happening to me. im going to say...feeling is healing ..you can do this. thank you. your videos have become a hug. your voice is starting to be one that is helping me , in my head when im not hear. Thank you!!
Thanks Dr Ramani well stated. I like this healing is feeling. And healing is not to be afraid or even realizing your feeling better. On your journey of feeling better. Thanks
This relates too me on so many levels!
My husband would have no reaction or tell me to be quiet whenever I cried out loud…whether it be because of him or because my daughter went off to college…it didn’t matter. I never got any support for showing tears. I learned to cry quietly in my closet when I couldn’t hold the tears. Crying my heart out for good ten minutes sounds wonderful….even better if someone was there to hug me through it
Oh I so needed this! Listening too your talks while making my boxes too move out...Made me cry cause I tend to blame myself for staying this long...and my 18 year old son will have to heal from that relationship as well. This is my second narc relationship...and the last! I will welcome grief and difficult emotions because I want to give again...I want you to know how much your expertise and chanel is life changing thank you ❤❤❤❤
Best advice and strategy I’ve heard so far. Everyone says learn to accept the role of victim and abuse when this shows there are ways to fight back and beat them at their own game.
“To repeatedly forgive someone who repeatedly do bad things even after you’ve forgiven them…. It’s not good for you. “.
My kids are off the charts on ACE scale 7 and 9. Theyre doing really well. Hardcore Therapy 4 years
Thank you for helping Dr. Ramani! I was kicked out of a church Bible class at an elders house for exposing a lie that a person in the group did in a “Go Fund Me”.
Dr. Ramani …. You are genius!! I am healing BECAUSE of you. Thank you so much. I don’t go a day without listening to you. Thank GOD for you!! Feels like a long road of recovery but with your therapy I feel like it is possible to heal completely.
Thank you for this! I am trying to heal from a 15 yr marriage I left in 2012. I've been isolating since 1997, and it's hard to try and enter back into society again with such bad social anxiety and agoraphobia, along with my Autism and ADHD struggles. Thank you for this channel- I'm excited for the help!
Thank you for these words! For the first time in a long time I was able to cry. Now, for the first time in a long time, I go out and take an hour alone. I have been living in a narcissistic relationship for 40 years, will I get out? I hope so and from today I will work hard. I speak Italian and French, little English otherwise I would like to create with the people who see this video a support group for victims of narcissism. It is the first time Dr Ramani that I hear someone speak in a direct, concrete, empathetic way of these subjects and not as if it were only psychology to be studied. Thank you
I love and adore you Dr. Ramani. You give me hope and help recognize my emotions and self. I pray and hope all three of my sons grow and mature to be empathetic and patient.
I've had over a decade of religious abusers telling me I'm something I'm not, which I have withstood. I've already told you several times I don't self-blame, self-doubt etc., so you're empowering my enemies by saying I am. I told you I won't be healed until my children return and I mean it. I grieve for their loss in this evil fight against me. They need a Godly mother at this time and they don't have it.
No problem - whoever does not understand and does not protect You,losing them- okay. They are flying monkeys that dont help your healing.
Let the Hurting Aggressor keep them... they will suffer enough,when close to the person,to also leave alone, the person, forever.
My Respite worker has practically become part of the family. I either go hang with the boys, or lock myself in my room and work uninterrupted and finally able to focus on priorities and plans. Or if im burnt out. Ill just rest and meditate
Hmmph...thank you for saying that I'm not responsible for their toxic behavior. I was in the mindset that I allowed this all to happen. Mindset changing away from this now. Yes, I've been in the splash zone of their behavior, but I didn't allow it to happen. That's gonna be my new mindset. This other person demands I forgive them. I dont forgive them as they wont change. Instead, I forgive myself and make the changes accordingly from there.
Thank you for your support and message love your videos 🌹
This really makes me think about when black families have experienced a murder and the reporters will ALWAYS ask the family "so do you forgive...blah bah blah" and the family is pressured to say that yes, they forgive. Black families keep forgiving, yet the murders continue (RIP Sonya Massey). There are no consequences for a lot of these people who commit the most heinous acts. They don't even lose their jobs, nor are they barred from working in other areas. There is no remorse or even a desire for forgiveness, they're not sorry, yet we are pressured to forgive!?!?!
Love your shirt!❤ Your book saved me.
I LOVE your videos! You help people like me, the survivors, truly believe we're not crazy and going insane. Thank you!
Oh, yes! I remember that I could have used a respite care day back when I was in my narcissistic relationship. He used to purposefully wake me up before I was ready to get up. It would've been fantastic to sleep in once.
Respite Center ✨️🌹
This is the best insight that I have ever heard about my experience with my husband. Thank you.
Great Great help❤ Thank you Dr. Ramani ❤ I appreciate you. What a trip climbing out of emotional distress!
When I was in the narc relationship, every few months I would take off to the closest AirBnB I could afford. Some were so not my style, level of comfort, etc. One in particular I had to climb up a straight ladder into a barn-like loft with just 3 ft of headroom above the bed. Sometimes in cool towns, sometimes not. But I always loved being there. Watching this I realized it didn't matter where I was staying. Of course, it would feel good b/c I was away from the narc. I was giving myself respite care without even knowing what it was or that I needed it.
Dr Ramani you are one of my angels helping me survive narcissist abuse recovery. Thank you so much for everything you do. I have your book. I went through some scary feelings this weekend...i worked hard to get through them. I feel better today. I was missing the abuser...your videos helped me through it.
Your a great Dr and have helped me 😢I needed to hear this and stuck still with one of narcissistic branch
Thank you for each and every one of your videos, Dr. Ramani. You’ve helped me gain confidence, honor my emotions, and see my naivety for what it is. I share your work with many of my therapy clients and they’ve told me you’ve brought them clarity.
Thank you you’re amazing to the woman that wants to help the world in pain I’m definitely one of them 20 years with a sociopath and years later I got trapped into another one that was a master at lying and everything that I brought free as soon as I saw the sign and now I’m realizing I really have a lot of healing to do inside me even so so many years have passed with regards to intimacy and feelings with Men. Praying to God to help me with this because I know I am worthy of true unconditional love from a man that God has for me🙏💕🌈
When I finally got my own narrative back and achieved feeling safe enough to tell the truth to others and express my anger and moral condemnation towards my narcissist father, I was surprised at the level of blowback I got. People weren't willing to hear my story unless I delivered it like some kind of enlightened sage that still honored his humanity despite how horrible his actions were. People wanted me to be Buddha, Jesus, and Winnie the Pooh. If I didn't deliver it like I was sitting on the mountaintop like a transcended guru, people got really hostile and dismissive. I was like, what gives? I share my horrible secret pain and finally have the courage to call my father a criminal whom I can't feel anything but contempt for, and you're calling ME out as living in my biases? You're accusing me of being basically as bad or worse than him because yes, i honestly hate him? Whhhyyyyy????
Then I realized I was treading on their trauma toes. Speaking ill of a bad parent/partner/authority/alleged loved one sets off superstitious levels of anxiety in almost everyone. They saw me doing it and felt like it is asking for trouble for everyone in earshot. The subconscious message is that telling is dangerous. We don't say Voldemort's name! Mice hiding in the walls don't shout, "here, kitty, kitty!" Negative emotions aren't allowed! Just because Jesus forgave Judas, Buddha didn't didn't suffer from Maya's attacks, then in order to tell the truth, I had to be perfect too. Otherwise I was summoning the boogeyman.
Well...f*ck that noise. I'm not perfect and I do feel negatively, I absolutely don't forgive, and if that gives people the willies, maybe they need to stop burying their heads in the sand. It's not my burden to carry when my story makes other people feel icky. It IS ICKY. Maybe just maybe, we need to start acknowledging the filthy ugliness that we are capable of perpetrating on another. Just because you're being quiet hiding in the walls, guess what, that a-hole cat is still there. Voldemort still came for Harry. You have to stand against evil to banish it.
I feel like i stepped out of hell and into another hell and after leaving that version of hell i find a hell built by the actions i thought would help survive long enough to understand my situation.
Like they only way to heal from someone stabbing you with a huge sword is to remove it first but now after removing it i cant do or take anything to relieve the unbearable pain.
I guess the best way for me is to very slowly inch by inch remove it over a some time so i can eventually not be dependent on some if my unhealthy choices.
Thank you but dam does it hurt so much to recover especially when im still stuck living with you know who.
Grey rock it baby! 🎉
I was only today thinking that having contact with a narcissist is like having a knife in your back which they can twist whenever they feel like it. If you’ve been courageous enough to remove it (👏🏼) then anything good & lovely & doing things that fulfill you & make you happy will hopefully start to heal the pain & trauma ❤💜❤️
@@tiffcat1100 I'm legally blind but it doesn't really affect me besides reading something like the menu behind the cashier at a fast food joint and the getting a drivers license so transportation is almost as big of a problem for me as much as the struggle of staying afloat living with parent narcissist.
I probably will not be able atleast for now get away from them but the good thing is after years and years (I'm 26) starting around the age of 7 years old I've finally without a doubt understand what the problem is that has been aching my heart so much.
I didn't give up and now I know what was really going on.
Been grey rocking my dad since I was in high school but I almost died when I was 9 or 10.
All my my family members had moved out for other reasons and not just to flee or something but when it was me and my dad he was working double shifts waiting to get a position as a package car driver so even when he wasn't working on the weekend he was tired and didn't bother with me and talking with him about anything just agitated him.
It got so bad because I used to find comfort on my older brother as kinda like a security blanket but being power less and unable to rationalize why or what was causing my dad to be the way he is and other than working a lot I couldn't understand and it scared the living crap out if me I would play outside if he was home when I got out of school.
But after my middle school teacher brought up concerns about the cuts on my legs that I did with a razor when I was home a day or two before they seen the blood on my socks and told me to go to the nurses office so I couldn't hide it even with pants.
That night was so bad the next day opened a in used glow stick and carried around me the glass container with the chemical rhats suppose to mix in the glow stick.
Weeks later my report card had nearly all low 60's besides gym and on the bus ride home I broke the glass container open and tried drinking it to kill myself.
I couldn't do it because it wasn't that I wanted to die but couldn't keep living in fear like that and I spat it out but was taken into cps later and 3 years later got back with my dad who I thought changed for the better but was just less physical with his abuse becsuse I was getting old enough to put up a good fight and he was around his early 50's so I guess the parent classes made him better at hiding his actions and maybe made him better but idk.
I know enough now that I'm glad I kept going and didn't do something more serious like murder or something.
Sorry if I'm saying too much.
This was the biggest problem in my life for so long I'm just so happy after years of searching for a answer or something.
Have a great day k
Healing is feeling. Thank you Dr Ramani. I have been feeling so stressed and tight in my stomach since trying to deal with our realisation that the confusing family relationships we have experienced, is actually narcissistic abuse. I am feeling the discomfort and journalling. I am processing my anger at gow we have been treated.
I will never forgive for all the damage to me, my children and my family. After 2 year of therapy it's the one thing I would not do.. but I have blamed myself. You are so right, I can't forgive if I can't forgive myself. This video has really helped.. thank you ❤