Why I Quit Opera: My Struggle with Mental Health, Abuse, and Stress...
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- čas přidán 23. 08. 2024
- This is my personal story. I've spared you the gory details but these are the reasons I left opera behind and started a new path for myself.
- -
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My wife went to school for music, specifically a vocalist. When she's practiced, she's a Mezzo-Soprano with amazing range and a beautiful voice. I feel lucky that I found her right before she stopped doing it, at her peak. I have those memories.
But I see who she is, her personality and she wouldn't have survived the brutal side of performing arts. Your story isn't uncommon and glad you were able to get out before you were too old, as you said.
Now my wife likes to use her voice for our children and occasionally sings on the worship team.
I appreciate you for being so honest about this, I had no idea. And I think you've made the right choice. There are Lord knows how many reaction channels on CZcams at this point, but you've still found a way to be unique and really help show your love of music as well as building appreciation for how beautiful and impactful music can be. I appreciate you, Marco!
This resonates with me in a big way man. Before I moved countries, I spent so much of my life trying to get an education in music. In two different institutions now, i've had a shot at pursuing a genuine music production degree. At the time, this felt like the "be all and all" thing for me. It was a music education, or nothing. I thought that everything I could possibly need, was only gonna be through that if I wanted to make it.
As time went on however, I started to realize just how incomplete and naive my views were. The more my inferiority complex developed in the presence of my higher skilled peers and instructors, the stereotypes and social norms within that field that I felt so forced to assimilate with, the crushing pressure of feeling like if i'm not good at any aspect of my craft, i'm just shit.
I crumbled under the weight of all that eventually. I couldn't handle it and quite possibly the lowest point in my life was when I was coming home from class and whispering to myself on the way home; "maybe I shouldn't do music anymore." The moment I caught myself saying that, I was damn sure I had severe depression knowing that if there was anything thats made me happier in life more than anything else, it was music. I still made stuff here and there but it felt so damn hard to try to genuinely love this art again after all that.
Thankfully, my time away from music, at least in a more academic context, really helped reinvigorate things since I managed to find new love, and new perspective on music in other things. With no exaggeration, you Marco, have been one of the greatest proponents to my current state as a musician. Coming across your reviews of FromSoft OSTs and the way you spoke about the emotional value of those tracks with such an informed perspective really moved me. You sounded like how I used to sound talking about this shit and I missed it. The love you have for music that I could so clearly see was brought back to me as well. Thank you Marco. I always say it but you really are the best.
Thank you for this comment, I relate so much :)
@@naomiford5118 Hope your journey's going well man, we gotchu out here
So well said man.
This journey is a never ending one. The more we push, the more despair we feel. One day I learn I just can’t be the top of my expectation no matter how hard I try or how many ways I find I can achieve. I devasted my health for years. And finally I’m able to find peace in myself. Instead of asking myself to achieve my expectation, I ask myself to try. Result is no longer an examination factor, process is.
Wow that was brutal... to realize that your "dream" you've worked so hard for is not what you thought it would be, not even talking about the huge mental pressure... qwq
I am glad you retired and took an other route. All you did on here is your doing and you can be very proud of it! Educating and sharing your love for music to people all around the world.
The stage is different (hi youtube) but you are your own maestro now! 🎶And I'll make sure to be in the crowd listening to your beautiful voice~ ❤
Your story spoke to me in a way. I had a bit of a different experience but somehow you explaining everything that happened to you felt so familiar.
I picked up a camera when I was 11 and was so sure I will be a photographer. Then when I was 14 I discovered that there is a job like a film director and I just tunnel visioned into that. I made skits, short films, music videos and much more... until I didn't. I always said to everybody that I am going to be a director and suddenly I just could not do what I said that I am going to be. Pressure and verbal abuse that came from that was difficult. All the connections that I made in my country around the industry burned. Still could not say that I won't be a director, because if not directing than I do not know what else I could possible do or want. Especially considering that I just finished high school and was supposed to go out in the world and conquer it... Apperantly. I forced my way through it even if I had anxiety attacks and vomited from the thought of having to do directing. However, I had nothing else. I even finished film school.
At some point I broke and just didn't care. I became a villain to people closest to me. Nevertheless, that gave me space to try things out and finally in last years November I started doing CZcams about fighting games. Such a different direction, that I did not expect. Have not felt this strong sense of excitement and creativity in a long time. So here I am, with 425 subscribers on the other channel and financially broke. But I also never felt this alive, mentally and physically healthy and just happy? I guess. I am sorry you had to go through all that and I hope it is an experience that did not only bring negativity in your life but also made you stronger and who are today. I guess it is just one perspective that you can look at it.
Been really enjoying your videos and good luck to you!
So glad we can be apart of your story. It's been a pleasure watching your channel and each time i get a discord ping for a new upload i watch ASAP. You have quickly become my favourite channel on here, not just because of the type of content, but because of your personality, you are a pleasure to watch, Im sure everyone here would agree.
Much love Marco, were all proud of how far you've come, and how far you're gonna go!
Remember. Despite everything, Its Still you! ❤❤❤
Thanks for speaking on this… This was so deeply important to watch. I had no idea the art space was so, so toxic. I am so happy to hear you are NOT around this situation anymore.
I long thought that you had left the opera scene for good reason, but I never thought the reason would be as heavy as what you listed here... I'm so sorry you had to go through that, Marco. You are so strong and so brave for going through such ordeals while they were weighing on you like so.
The art industry, in all forms, is so cutthroat, and a lot of the maestros up top don't realize or care what is happening in the minds of the little guys who are producing the work. I was studying to be in game development as a concept artist since 2015, and the pressures of the industry finally broke me in 2021 to the point that I have difficulty turning on my tablet without completely blanking out. I keep telling myself that everything will be done and dusted come Fall 2023 (when I graduate), but it still gives me so little motivation, because I was beaten down so much.
Thank you for sharing your experiences and why you quit, Marco. I know it couldn't have been easy to recount the years of declining mental health and cutthroat nature of the artistic scene. Once again, you are so strong for getting yourself through it and telling yourself that enough was enough. And now, like many others here have said, you are your own master now, and we will stand by you and support you all the way.
We need more of these. Everyone is all glitz and glamour of the final product. Nobody talks about the bone breaking work that goes into the process of an industry, very important note it is an industry to make money, that commodifies passion. I feel like this topic is actually buzzing a bit right now when I think about it, the anime Oshi No Ko is full steam ahead on painting a dark and realistic picture of entertainment. Good job Marco and remember people, the entertainers you love are also people.
I feel like this is a very important message that people need to hear, the pressure to succeed in not only opera but the performing arts industry as a whole, can be crushing. I'm 18 now, been out of college for half a year now and struggling to make my way to the career i want, but I'll keep going for it, and I'm glad you've found the career that makes you most happy now. Thanks, Marco
That really resonated with me. While I never went into any kind of musical career, if there is one thing that I know well it is issues with mental health. I always had issues with social anxiety growing up and relentless bullying back in school did not help. I couldn't trust anyone and felt utterly alone. When that hell eventually ended, I was thrown into a world that I could not truly interact with. Ironically, I did manage to overcome these problems for a while as a cashier at Wal-Mart. I learned how to better interact with others and thought that I was finally over my anxiety issues. I was wrong. I would eventually start having panic attacks at work which made me quite scared. Depression and anxiety can be crippling... which is still a regular problem that I am dealing with. I'm just happy that you managed to find an outlet that brings you joy, in the field of music.
In tears. I’m going through the same thing myself… your story could have been told by me. I returned to university during covid and started to realise how much opera was abusing me (and the people I love). It’s very difficult to come to terms with leaving a decade-long (plus) career… and it’s definitely not a linear process. Good days and bad! Hard not to feel like if I had just tried harder, sucked it up more, been “stronger” I would have had the career I wanted and I wouldn’t feel like this. Also it’s very difficult to learn about how deeply-rooted your identity as an opera singer was, and now all of a sudden you have to have other parts to your personality, other things to talk about… and so on!
Hey friend, thank you for your words. Glad you found this video. Always happy to discuss further since i know you know how it goes.
I’m so sorry for what you went through, Marco. No one deserves that kind of treatment regardless of the field they’re in. I’m so grateful that you’re here with us. 💚
Im glad that you protected yourself and started breaking down songs in video games, thank you.
Brother, I can tell you right now that this is why I gave up singing before I even hit any big stage. I was already starting to feel that crippling dread in college. Proud you made it as far as you did, and even prouder you knew that you had to step away.
Even if you don’t do it professionally anymore. I do hope you can use the talent for your own. For you.
And I hope you find many good things within your current job circle whether it’s in CZcams talking about music, playing games on stream or even voice acting.
Every circle of life is tough. We must never assume that something is easy to do nor should be ashamed of what we have accomplished even if that specific talent or even job isn’t what gives you joy anymore.
While the journey of Opera was tough. You learnt a lot and experienced a lot. Life lessons are important no matter how tough they are. Opera is a part of your life and was your life. The skill of opera you’ve learnt is beautiful but the job itself wasn’t always as beautiful.
Keep being you, keep progressing with things you enjoy. You have many around you irl that will support you.
Always a pleasure watching your vids when I can. To your music reactions, to your music theory, to your gameplay Vods and even to these vids that you open up a bit about yourself.
I'm reminded of the story of my grandpa, rest in peace, who joined the military as a paratrooper in hopes he could grow out of his fear of heights. He apparently never did and was terrified every day he was in service.
Really inspiring story.
We sometimes get too focused on the stories of success and glory that many people, not only singers but film makers or videogame artists have, but we forget that there are thousands and thousands of stories of failure for every success.
And managing this failure is part of what makes us human, too.
Glad to see you better as well doing videos in youtube.
Everything you talked about is exactly why I never went into the opera myself. I was trained for it, because I was musically inclined from a very young age and it did absolute wonders for my asthma, but when the time came to actually audition and rehearse, I saw how badly the people around me were being treated and I ran.
I was ashamed at the time, but when I was older and knew my own mental health better, I was honestly relieved. I would've broken in the opera world. People only hear the beauty of the music and the fantastic costumes and sets, and never realise how dangerous it can be behind the scenes.
I remember watching you react to Elden Ring OST's so many months ago and loved watching you break it all down. Sorry to hear that your "professional" career wasn't as bright as they show in those damn picture shows, but I'm glad to see your success in the youtube space.
Keep up the good shit dude man 🫡
I always find it interesting to hear you speak about your time as an opera singer, and this particular one really resonated with me. I hope you find CZcams to be a happier and more healthy home for your career aspirations - certainly any form of social media has its challenges as well, but hopefully you're able to navigate them better over here.
For myself, I originally was going to college to major in theatre. I didn't care if I acted, did stage crew, did lighting, etc... I just loved theatre, going into college. Between years and years of my mom telling me I'd never get a job in theatre or be able to support myself that way, the terrible self-esteem problems/self-doubt that come along with auditioning for a show and then NOT getting a part (and later reflecting on the fact that you're probably being cast not only based on your talent, which you can somewhat control, but also based on your "look" for the part, which you absolutely cannot), and then reflecting on what it would mean to be employed in an industry whose operating hours are very much NOT the standard Mon-Fri, 9-5 expected workweek of the rest of the world and what that would mean for how I'd have to live my life... I ended up losing my drive for that and dropping out of college without finishing any degree. I've yet to find anything in my life that I feel about as I felt about theatre in high school and immediately afterwards, that I'd be willing to pursue a degree in and committing my life to. I'd tell you that I am happy in my current job... but it's certainly not what I thought I'd be doing with my life, and there's always a little bit of a void in me when I consider that I gave up on what I thought was my dream and didn't replace it with anything else. It's somewhat cathartic, then, to hear you talk about your own path through that field and how things worked out for you. Performing arts are definitely a psychologically HARD thing to get into, which I don't think is really talked about enough when people are considering that as a career path for themselves. In my experience, at least.
We always go up and strive to continue Marco
When one door closes, another opens; and sometimes, you have to be the one to forcibly close that door to get a better perspective at just how many new ones appear once you've done that
Happy you're in a better place mentally now and know that you inspire many of us the same way your idols did. Difference is that with your channel and the internet, it's way more personal than it once was; it's way easier to get the "feel" of a person now, and I'm pretty sure I can say that, while you inspire us the same way, you won't disappoint us the same way.
Cheers!
It takes a certain resolve and strength of mind to rethink what you've worked for, change what it is you do and how you think, and give that everything you've got. It saddens me to think of how many other journeys go differently, how many people truly do lose themselves. Really seems like you, by your own hand, took ownership of your fate and transformed it into something infinitely rewarding for yourself and for the community you've built. Bravo
Honestly, this video is quite amazing. While you are talking about your personal story, and the fact that you had to give u pwhat you thought you loved just to make sure you didn't go insane or worse, you were able to turn it into advice for others. And honestly, this might be some of the best advice out there, for any career field, not just voice acting/opera. It truly is important for one to be able to recognize when they simply cannot continue on their path due to health issues. I'm glad you were able to do what you felt needed to be done, and I hope from here on out you can figure out what it is that you truly love to do without any serious issues for your own health!
you've got the voice of an angel my guy, not saying you should go back, rather that i'm glad your talent stuck with you all this time
maybe as a reminder of how far you've come, and how much further you will continue to go forwards.
i have no personal experience with performing classical music, but my friends that have done it also felt the same kind of pressure and stress frighteningly often
point is: i'm glad ur doin better, chief. wish you many great days and greater years to come :)
Thank you.
Thank you for sharing this, Marco. I deeply relate to your story (even if I got nowhere in comparison, lol, I was never a good musician) and it's something really important to hear and understand, for those who are/were musicians and for those who aren't. I'm glad you're in a better place now. Take care
thanks for sharing your experience with us Marco, not many CZcamsrs share experiences from their personal lives , and we appreciate that you did.
As Ex-Classical Music Student (Classic Guitar), I feel you and totally understand you bro. In my case was similar but I quit early with much pain and shame in that moment, but today of course I know that I made the right choice too. And of course, I still enjoy as listener any kind of music....
Man your so brave for being able to speak about all your problems. I’m glad I’m getting to watch someone as amazing as you grow
This is such an important video for anyone getting into classical music the traditional way. Thanks for sharing your experience.
Y'know this feels odly similar to the records we have of many fine artists like van gogh, who went mad through their craft, and im glad you got out before it was too late. The arts seem like the kind of career where only an extremely niche part of mankind was meant to tread, and outside of that, not many seem to survive with their wits intact. Heck even as a hobbyist artist sometimes i feel that tickle in the back of my mind that instills some sort of morbid curiosity and fear of the page.
I’m sure this was a very difficult video to make - thank you for your honesty and frankness. I hope you know how much we appreciate you and your videos and the insights you share here. You are a light! ❤
Thanks for sharing your story Marco, helping us know the struggles behind the scene and your own experiences.
It's good to know now you're doing what you wanted to do and be happy about it.
Giving a voice to a piece of musical art is a lot of work, it's definitely hard, but giving a voice to your struggle and your resignation towards a dream you've pursuited for decades is another kind of "difficult". Your voice speaks to me a lot, and most likely to a lot of people, and it's safe to say that we are so proud of you for finding the courage to move on to a life that you think should be healthier for you. I hope that you keep doing what brings you joy and makes you happy, because when you do, I do, and I'm certainly not the only one.
Take care :)
Hey man, I usually don't comment on videos but I am really sorry for what you've gone through. I relate to it a lot - it's truly heartbreaking to have your talents undermined yet constantly pushed to the brim, so much so that you begin to doubt yourself with one of the things you're best at. I wish you the best, and I hope you continue making videos!
Your well-being and health are far more important than any career, I'm glad you're here to share your valuable knowledge about music, I hope your life from now on is only better, keep up the good work Marco
Just wanted to say thank you for putting your story out there. I'm a younger professional classical musician who's trying to get established in my region, but your story and all of the mental health/stress that is so common in the performing arts is a reason why it's been taking me a while to do so and also why I decided to not pursue a full time orchestral career (still very much down with part time though XD). I absolutely love performing (despite it also being terrifying!) and it's taken me a long time to learn how to live with the severe anxiety it comes with. I can only hope that I'm making the right choices to not burn myself out!
I'm so happy for you and the path you've chosen; I've been following you for a while and I think what you're doing is a great way for you to use your love of music and musical training to bring more attention and focus onto VGM, while also moving forward through VO. Kudos! You're awesome :) Thank you for sharing your story with us.
I _love_ that there's a part of you that wants to think so deeply about what you do. Thank you for not letting the industry grind that out of you. Hearing your insights has been immeasurably valuable.
Been through something similar, and finally it has become 'my year'. As you I tried it all: diets, meditation, etcetera. In my case what helped was what I call 'the magic of subtraction'. In the beginning I was obsessed with finding a new solution, a magic bullet, something to ADD to my mix of stuff I had going on. The answer for me was to start SUBTRACTING. I got rid of toxic friendships, got rid of alcohol, got rid of time consuming hobbies, cleaned up my calendar and set myself as my highest priority. Won't lie. Took two years and I'm still at it, but I am happy and at peace. Even subtracted away the healthy supplements... I live on real food that I usually cook myself, water and coffee. Godspeed.
Thank you for filming and posting this. Your story is my story! I loved performing but eventually began to suffer from crippling stage fright as I got older and the demands for perfection got higher, the judgment of my mentors and peers got higher and more cruel, my struggle to remember every little minute detail became greater until I was 39 and broke. It wasn't cute anymore and it was time to move on. I would never recommend this lifestyle to anyone simply because the return on one's efforts are not worth it. Massive struggle, little reward! Now I'm playing catch up for earnings I could have made 20 years ago. May fortune favour the poor soul that is smote with the opera bug.
Without being parasocial, I just wanna say that you radiate a very positive energy on camera. You make me feel happy when I'm watching your videos and you're listening to music that I've also been excited about since I first heard them. ❤
I've been there. And it lasted for years. I went to school for years and decided in the last hour to completely abandon the industry I studied for so long to be a part of. I'm an artist, but hate working on other people's terms and knew that art is something so special to me and so critical to who I am, that I couldn't risk my flame being squashed out on someone else's terms. So I ran and got a different degree in something that I was interested in but not passionate about either. And subsequently abandoned that too. Now I work for a great company that literally just pays me to be a kind person and I've never been happier. And the MENTAL SPACE that creates in me allows me to thrive. I felt shame for so long having 2 degrees and wanting to abandon both industries I studied in. You absolutely did the right thing for you and I'm glad that you have been happier in moving on. I LOVE watching you listen to music, because it is so clear how deeply you love it. Do you know your MBTI? My life got so much easier in knowing that and my entire life just started to click. Since then, every day of my life is the happiest day of my life. Peace and love, man :)
This was really cool, you have real talents in entertainment.. thank you for sharing your background in opera. And being honest. Keep being you man!
I’m not good with consulting people but I wish I could hug you and I’m happy you’re feeling better
Thank you so much for making this video. I relate so much to an opera career being “a dream that turned into a nightmare.” I’ve been on a similar journey recently. I got a Bachelor’s in Vocal Performance before realizing I couldn’t handle a performance career. The constant rejection, the job insecurity, low pay, overabundance of sopranos, etc. weighed on me constantly. I didn’t realize how much trying to make a career out of performing was ruining my mental health until I almost cried on stage…embarrassing but it was a wake-up call. It’s been several months since I’ve performed and honestly it’s been a weight off my shoulders. Although I’m focusing on getting my music teacher credential for the time being, I hope to get back into classical singing for one day - but out of personal enjoyment and on my own terms. All the best to you!
❤️
I believe in you, no matter what you do! You are just an overall pleasure to listen to, and I think a lot more people likely appreciate you with much more love on this platform that share a passion of music appreciation more so than when you were in opera (And a love for you sharing the experience with us). Also thanks for the tips I hope this helps someone out there. I hope you're in a happier spot nowadays.
Despite all the rainy moments for you in opera, it is definitely such a vibrant craft to have been involved in, and I hope you remember your best and happiest moments from it all! Onwards we tread, through the foggy unknown.
Marco, I just wanna say that from start to finish of this video, I felt like I was living through your mentioned experiences. I, too, wanted to pursue a life of work in the highest level of classical music.
I expressed mega interests in singing starting at 16, but I had been singing in my (then) church’s choir since 7 - weren’t the most properly trained voices I was around with, but hey whatever.
To keep it simplified and somewhat short, I basically ‘dropped’ my interests for classical music at about 20. I’m 29 now. I’ve played viola for a good several years before fully committing to singing. I was heavily deterred from not having the ‘natural’ gift - not being a tenor and not having the presence of an A-list performer. I felt ‘cursed’ being a baritone with barely a decent leaning towards a lyrical. The stress of prepping and performing a piece to be scored in front of judges always made me feel off and it was hard to maintain a ‘light’ tone and light ‘weight’ that I would try to maintain and practice that is also descriptive of my natural speaking voice- it’s just all too overwhelming and ‘cluster-ful’ for my mind to handle anymore that I felt defeated in any goals I wanted for myself.
When really, after dropping these goals I learned and understood that musical joy is really just as simple as making any ‘noise’ and being happy with it.
I don’t know if I can still call myself a proper musician, but from one music lover to another, I appreciate you, anyone and everyone who read through this. Whether you’re still actively working in a music profession or a once goal pursuer now a ‘free’ musician, I hear you and your ‘music,’ and it sounds truly amazing like the person creating it. ❤️ best wishes, Marco & everyone
I have been in orchestra for the past seven to six years of my life, playing the Viola. I can’t say I am the most “successful” in my group but I at least know I am a decent enough player. Now with all that said, the last two years have been…rough. The year prior especially. Our school got a new director last year and to put it lightly…she wasn’t the best. I knew I was a decent player, but that did not stop her from getting into my head. She never said anything to me specifically, but every word she said felt like she was. It got to the point I *dreaded* going to class. I couldn’t bring myself to practice, or sometimes I practiced so much my fingers hurt by the end of it all. Before her, Orchestra was a place I could play and have fun but after? The love I had for playing began to dwindle. I wanted to cry. While the following year (this year) they changed the director and he is SO much better, the former did her damage. So much so that when I saw her again (literally two days ago from the day I am writing this), I couldn’t help but feel *scared*. I wanted to run and hide, get FAR away from her. I am not joking when I say that I hit such a mental low that I felt sick the following day. It’s hard. I love playing, I really do, but after this year, I will take a break because I feel that if I continue like this I will just kill whatever love I have left for playing. While our stories may not be all the same, I still feel a lot of what you said and honestly, I makes me feel a bit better that it’s okay for me to take a break. I really love your channel and it’s thanks to your channel, my private lesson teacher, and genshin music that I still remember why I joined orchestra in the first place and why I love playing my viola. :)
thank you for sharing your story! I played flute since I was 4 or 5 and stopped when I was 18 - it wasn't my decision to start when I was a kid and I found strength to say "no more, thanks" only many years later. I recieved verbal abuse from teachers at music school, at home for wanting more free time between school's homework and music school's homework, at both schools for being late/sleepy/unprepared bc I sometimes had to choose on what homework I should focus bc I had little time left simply to sleep and eat, and of course all teachers thought that their tasks are the most important ones. a few times math teacher shamed me in front of other kids (and I was already considered weird by classmates) that I prefer music over "really important things" and no one cared to listen that I didn't enjoy late night rehearsals, being yelled at, compared to better students, to be stressed and shaking on stage at music festivals, to feel physically hurt from holding instrument for hours, etc. I am thankful for music school for giving me the knowlegde of how to read sheets, how to play, for shaping my taste in music, but I never could be what my flute teacher tried to made out of me simply because now I know I have adhd, autistic traits and anxiety, and I had them, like, always, just undiagnosed, so everyone thought I was lazy "by nature" and just need strict control. all this expierence also made me feel like I never had healthy sleeping schedule, so... since I got out of this abusive relationships with music classes I never opened my flute case, even though I loved playing it, without caring if I'm bad musician or good.
when I finished both regular school and music classes, I got hit by a huge wave of depression and was on meds for 5 years. no one desereves this, not children, not adults. of course, when you learn something you need to be constantly training, but I believe people can teach others without degrading and exhausting them.
Meds absolutely saved my mental health. That's so sad to read and im sorry you had to experience that
Ciao Marco! One of the reasons why despite training in classical guitar and Flamenco, I didn't want to venture into doing recitals or even joining an orchestra in my younger years was due to the horror stories many veterans and my seniors told me. So I stuck with teaching and working with smaller bands.
I know so many singers like you who found too much stress and little compensation as classically trained singers. Many whom joined or created symphonic metal bands. Many also complained (specially the women) that it became a toxic environment of who looked the best, and they were treated like runway models instead of singers.
Some who used to travel and do cruises for musicals or operas who'd tell me horror tales of bad treatment, bad payment and harassment by clients as well.
The passion and love for music is soon overshadowed by too much stress and foreboding for one's future.
I understand You so much... I graduated from the university as opera singer. All my way i was told i have nice but not very outstanding voice. I was told that i'll never sing in theatres cause my voice doesn't have qualities needed for that, and i should sing classical chamber music. I was so depressed because of that... Everytime i heard this i felt like my dream is torn apart. And now i always struggle of thoughts that i am not good enough. Now i decided to try myself in rock and metal music. But i still has this "I am not good enough, i should be better" sort of thoughts, they are chasing me and poisoning my life and killing joy from being on the stage.
I'm really sorry you experienced that. It's really frustrating. But i believe you'll be fine. You are great person, you deserve all the wealth of this world!
P.S. English is not my native language, sorry if i made mistakes, i still hope my comment is readable🥺
im not a performing artist or anything near related (i played the piano for 8 years so i looking bac i had a taste of how stressful and strict it is jeez) but ive struggled with mental bullshit for a lot of my life, and am now. i have adhd, depression/depressive episodes, and high school and college "all-nighters" that escalated really fast into full-blown insomnia. ive had to parent myself thru high school. I love that your videos exist in the world and appreciate that youre giving it real. i can relate to some of the stuff youve said.
yk, ppl only see the glamor of performing arts/huge achievements in general (academic, visual arts, science, medical, etc) and not what it took to get there. or more likely they know what it costs but dismiss that bc they believe what they want to believe and continue to push that on others. optimistic but in a toxic way.
Thanks for sharing about a difficult part of your life, even if you didn't have to. The furthest I got into classical music was doing orchestra in 7th grade, but already I could tell how much practice, concentration, and discipline I need just to be decent enough to play well with everyone else. And even there, there's always the competition for first violin while I was okay playing second violin.
It must not have been an easy decision upending your life like that, but at the same time, I'm glad you're doing better now and that I got to discover your amazing videos! Keep on going, Marco!
❤
I think I speak for, and with the same sentiment as many here when I say that we appreciate you not only for the content you put out, but also for who you are as a person. A living, human being. Someone with very real and valid emotions that are worth listening to and perhaps even empathizing with due to our similar experiences. What you said in this video has struck a chord in myself as I used to be in a symphonic band as a woodwind player for my section. There were many times where it felt that it was never enough. Nothing I ever did, said, or performed was ever enough to please our conductor, and with time my feelings began to creep into dark places as well. I felt like an instrument. A number. A seat and nothing more than that. A cog in the great machine of music and symphony, sometimes in need of grease in the form of verbal reprimanding or negative reinforcement. Believe me when I say that you are greatly appreciated here, and that just stopping to breathe now and again like this isn't such a bad thing, or something you should ever consider yourself to be embarrassed of. I'm happy to consider myself a fan of yours, and hope to see what bright future awaits you.
i understand this perfectly, and I support you because i feel like you're up to something else, go for it ! I am a lot younger than you but when i see people in highschool (kids and adults) just throwing everyone's hopes and dreams just like that, it just makes me even more determined to follow my purpose ! So i wish you the best Marco
I hug the Meatball ❤️. You are doing great. with all the setbacks, failures, retreats and cool-offs.. You are doing great, you just need to take a breather and relax. Step back away from the masterpiece and cherish at what you are doing right now and where you are currently at, indifferent to when... We love you as you are and who you'll be.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I’m sad to hear that you had to suffer such treatment. Though it’s wonderful to see that you were able to find the strength and courage to change course.
I discovered my natural ability to sing as a countertenor and I completely felt in love in opera and the culture that revolves around my voice type - a sense of rarity, the wow factor of the audiance and the history that reaches the times of castrato singers... Now as I'm working on my first recordings with my prof who by the way is such a massive support - every success of my future career will forever be thanks to this guy, as well as approaching international opera competition makes me genuinely feel for the first time fulfilled. So to hear your story and to learn about some really dark reality that I wasn't aware nor heard of before is eye opening. It won't stop my dream though, as you said in the video - I know what I have to do even if the music industry is brutal, gotta stay sharp.
Stay the course. Congratulations. You’ve got this.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience
That must have been really tough experience I couldnt imagine being in hat situation myself❤But hey look how Marco is doing now!
I think a lot of people, me included, automatically expect people who are on stage to be confident and comfortable with the environment. A mistake or some confusion is an anomaly, but a perfectly executed performance is a regular thing - something that we'd expect at least.
But I think that unless you'd talk about it, we'd just not know about the problem. Obviously, a lot of people wouldn't even want to share it with some unknowns, strangers and random public. But without your voice we'd be uninformed too so that would leave us clueless.
My point is that it's important to speak out if you are ready and I know it with my own experience that even sharing it with the others is not easy. I'm an introvert and even thinking to perform on a stage is stressful, actually doing it takes a lot of professionalism and practice.
I both admire people like you and I like that you remind us that you are people too and not just tools of an orchestra or just a "voice".
Your rendition of Nessun Dorma that you used to show always gives me chills, been trying to find it on your older videos.
I'm glad you got out while you still had your sanity with you and you're better now. 🙂
It’s fascinating to hear your story after finding your channel months ago. I adore your insight and passion for music. Gaming is a passion for many and someone that enjoys the music of games is great. Happy to hear your story.
thank you so much for sharing your story, thank you for your honesty and bravery. this honestly made me feel less alone. i'm a performing artist and choreographer, and the work that we do is intense and has a strain on my mental health occassionally. i still love it, and would love to keep doing it, but sometimes i have questioned whether it was the right fit for me. anyway... this has given me a lot to think about... but again, thank you for sharing your story...
My absolute pleasure.
I'm so glad more attention is being brought to how difficult it is having a career in the performing arts, as well as the arts in general. That part about "singers being paid to sing, not think" hit hard, especially as someone who pursued a career in the illustrative arts. I learned the hard way that art school was just about cranking out as many artists with the most marketable abilities and styles as possible. Limiting creativity by putting you into boxes of products to be sold, even as they told you to "think outside the box!" They didn't want you to go TOO far outside that box, though. Thank you Marco, for talking about this! It is very appreciated =)
I hear a lot of stories from music schools making more trauma than love for music and it's good you've made a decisions that led you to this point where you work more freely, and where you can let yourself process what you feel. And of course, I'm happy to see you here, sharing your feelings and love for music with us
I can feel the pain, the sheer dread before you go on a stage is enough to feel like you're about to die...
Ik I'm late but I'm glad you are no longer in a stressful situation (I hope) and it's good to get things off your chest and to expose things that deserve to be. To prevent them from being hurt. Love your work. Keep it up! We are here for ya!
Thank you for being so open and sharing your story with us Marco!
I only know second-hand the trepidations of music performance since I have two siblings that studied music in college. One sibling is doing quite well but does not play anymore and is in a completely unrelated field. My other sibling had his first manic episode while studying music at Boston University and was 1 credit away from his master's degree. His mental illness caused him to leave the school. This was almost a decade ago and his life is still a complete disaster. He is homeless and estranged from the family. I'm glad things turned out more positively for you though and I still have a sliver of hope for him even if it is hard to find sometimes.
Thanks for telling your story.
Oh my goodness... I feel this... except I was working as a stage manager... I'm glad that you found another career path. I'm still finding mine and hopefully get to a thriving place like you.
Thank you for sharing your story. I'm glad you quit, because now you made it here and we get to watch you analyze soundtracks, hear you voice a character in Genshin, etc.
I played the violin for years (outside of school) , and fortunately did not play for long enough to meet any conductors like that were that bad to work with (since I tend to be shy and got low self-esteem issues). Not that I am done with anxiety and depression still...but I'm glad a game like Genshin exists.
I quit violin at 13 because my teacher was abusive. At the end, I was terrified of performing and had cancelled my competition appearance that we had been preparing for for over a year. I didn’t come back to violin for at least 5 years, and when I did, I was still terrified of performing. It was hard even to play in front of a teacher in a private lesson, and I have still never performed in public since 12 years old. I wouldn’t even play while my parents were in the house because I was so afraid of others’ criticisms.
There is definitely a toxic culture in classical music performance-conductors publicly humiliating children because they didn’t play the exact right note, teachers screaming and degrading students, extremely high competition, especially for solo artists. I’m lucky I found the courage to quit as early as I did because it would only have gotten worse for me, but I also lament the loss of something I truly did enjoy.
I've had many similar experiences just working regular jobs. Working nowadays is akin to be treated like a slave and it's horrible.
Hey Marco, I'm very impressed that you shared something so personal about you in such a genuine way with us, your community. You are, at least for me and I'm sure for others to, someone who brightens my day up by a huge amount when they upload a video. You have shown me wonderful tracks I never thought I would hear and that I now listen to so often. You give me so much joy when you listen to something that I already know, especially when you enjoy it or describe what you feel when listening to, giving me a new perspective on what my favourite tracks mean to me and others. I hope you're doing fine and I hope that you are happy. Because I am, I'm happy about this video and all the content that you so lovingly produced. SO thank you Marco, you're great. i wish you and everyone who read this comment a good day, I hope you all are doing fine and if not, feel hugged!
thank you so very much for this wonderful comment.
The unfortunate reality of when you realize your dream job is just a dream.
This doesn't only apply to music, I was a law student and when I realize how corrupt and soul-destroying working with the government and corporation is going to be I just fucking run away and drop out of college. I now work at a small restaurant, doesn't pay much but hey it is honest work and I have a lot of free time that I can use to play Genshin and watch this video.
Hopefully I can develop it and grow and maybe create a branch or two. I like cooking and it feels nice when people are praising your hard work. There is not much of a pressure from society nor do I have to travel and get stranded in foreign land. The job is not easy but it is much less stressful than whatever other job I have seen and experience
I never sang professionally in the sense that I never got paid, but even having a supportive director, the pressure we put on ourselves is incredible. I started having panic attacks around age 22 as a result of this, beta blockers didn't help, and my stage fright was terrible where I could force myself through it, but was a wreck for at least a few minutes, which wasn't always enough if I was back on stage shortly. Especially doing something as tight knit as an 8 part acapella. I know the audience probably won't know. But I would. My eventual cure for that was going to school to be a nurse. I went back to singing after that and it was a totally different experience. Note that I do not recommend this as a fix to anyone, but it does involve a lot of "fake it till you make" mentality which I think is sort of shared. We're all performing for people who can be hyper-critical of us. Especially ourselves.
As a live performing vocalist and guitarist, I relate to this video sooo much! Amazing video brother.
thanks Petar. :)
I may have mentioned this in a comment in another of your videos, but I played violin in middle and high school for 6 years and loved every minute of it- yet, for one reason or another, rarely put much effort into it beyond the classroom. That coincided with every other class, but, more than any other, it showed. I don't really feel that I improved much past that halfway point; after my first year in high school. And I told myself it wasn't just practice- I knew how to play music. I could do that. It wasn't hard. It was the more advanced techniques that I felt were never really taught to me, that I was expected to learn on my own. And even some of the less advanced techniques- To this day I don't think I do vibrato correctly.
I say all of that because, even now, I occasionally consider trying to go into an orchestra of some kind, but I feel afraid to. Like I'd only embarrass myself even if I got in. It doesn't help that I've hardly touched the thing since I got out of school nearly 5 years ago, but, even then, I don't feel like I'd be able to relearn what I need to to do well. I'll always be back of the seconds or thirds, ignored at best, ridiculed at worst. I know I could do it, but I also don't know if I'd _want_ to. I have a passion for music, but perhaps not the willpower for what it would require. I feel like, even if I did manage to push myself with it, and even do well, I'd end up in a situation like you described here, especially since I already deal with a lot of it (not the abuse, but the stress and anxiety, at least) now. I still do, one day, want to do something in the area and eventually pick up the violin again, if only for myself.
All that said, I'm very glad to be here and with this community where I can find others who appreciate music as much or more as myself, even if I'm not participating in the making of it anymore. Thank you for sharing your story and your love for the artform. Even if you struggled before, we're happy to have you with us now and able to share our stories with each other. And I'm sure we'll be here for quite a while still.
Relatable!!!!!! Thank you for sharing this.
So sorry that happened to you, Marco, but I'm glad you were able to make something positive out of your opera career.
you have our support man. keep smiling
Oh jeez, that thumbnail had me worried for a sec. Glad you're in a career that suits you better, now. Good that you had the insight to make that shift. And hey, we get an awesome channel out of it. :D
AghGAHSGAUS I can't think of a good start to this! I feel like speaking as someone who isn't in the arts industry will come as shallow or just another "glad you got out for the sake of yourself in the end!" comment so I'm kinda anxious but I really want to express my happiness for you even though it's hard for me to put it into words😭 Besides saying the obvious, about how hard it must have been and all, I hope any anxiety or emotional scars that lingered from it all will get smaller and smaller and pass as time goes on and wish you the best in voice acting and everything that you do! Your reactions made me appreciate and pay more attention to videogame music and just music in general, your insights are interesting and your 99% precent accurate context predictions are scary but amazing to me! Maybe I'm just dumb but I have trouble making sense of more convoluted or analogical lyrics and take them as who they are without realizing and when I do I can't make sense of them so you coming in and explaining them really helps me understand and appreciate the lyrics more😅 Also seeing you get exited, going😯😃 when the banger is banging, talking about music with SUCH a passion! It just gives me this fuzzy happy feeling! Like you are sending your emotions through the screen to me and boy do I not receive them! I can sit here and applaud you for your decision but I want to focus more on the present and future because it's all we have that we can change when it comes to it and you are on a journey with all this new nice things now and so let's appreciate that celebrate that and look forward to what's to come instead of reminiscing on bitter days more then it needs to be done!
I feel like I'm sounding kinda corni and cheesy😭
(Lord don't make me regret this at 1 am pls)
Marco, I've started watching your music reaction and enjoyed very much. Not sure if this comment will reach you but I will write my story anyway.
Hearing your story, made me gag. Heart raced. PTSD coming back. At the same time, I was comforted to hear that even great singer like you struggles greatly in the music career and is a common problem.
I used to be a music student, took performance major in performance.
I played flute since I was a elementary school band. I was always a first chair in every school I went to. I enjoyed playing solo and showing off. I really enjoyed music to perform. Right before graduating highschool, I was practicing my flute for hours while others went to prom or party. At that point I no longer had a friend to hang out to, since I solely spent my time on playing flute. Luckily I was accepted to the relatively competitive music school.
First few months were great- a lot of new things. However things started to fall apart quickly. The school wasn't just to teach you how to play well, you needed to go over music history (from ancient Greek to modern rock) music composition, music theory, piano, multiple instrument, master class, ensemble, orchestra, on top of 2-3 general education course per semester. My day started from 5am and ended at 11pm, and from this time frame I was only able to squeeze in 2 hours of practice, sometime sacrificing any lunch or dinner. Just like you mentioned, you have to become "puppet" to *maestro* or professor, otherwise your career is pretty much over. You better be able to play exactly the way they want, or else you'll be called a scum. Make a simple mistake and they'll think that you're being lazy. The orchestra conductor will publicly shame you if you make mistake. Whether their idea is right or wrong, you had to nod and learn it that it was right. You can't choose what to play either, it's everything decided by the professor- which was mostly an atonal contemporary "music". You need to be better than anybody else, but the seating is so competitive that everyone will hate you if you're good at it. I stopped enjoying any music, and I just took it as a task/job. By the end of my college year, I was pretty much dead, severely depressed and exhausted. At the end though, I finished the school. (I didn't get the diploma for few months later though, because I discovered that my professor didn't sign a paper form- really thumbs up about the whole experience being there)
After graduation, I needed a job to pay off my student loan, so I looked around. Professional orchestras had no opening, which wasn't a surprise. I tried to find a place to learn how to repair instrument- they don't want to teach, because they are afraid of losing their job. Even if they do, their factory is set in big city, while paying very little money. It was impossible to live only with their income. I signed places to offer a private lesson on local music store but it was already a competitive job because that's where most people end up in.
So after all of that, the only job that I was able to work was a retail. A cashier.
I was so isolated from society, depressed, and dying. I was mentally broken that I could have been considered disabled (literally, I wasn't even able to speak sometime). Music made me feel sick. Luckily, my parents noticed my condition and helped me get back in the shape- I was able to reach to a counselor and start medication, slowly getting back on track. I also went back to community college to get an associate degree so I can get a better job. Now, I'm working in the hospital where the pay is relatively stable. It also offers me a decent amount of free time, which let's me spend time on doing things that I like.
It took me total of 8 years to be able to enjoy music again. Now I joined back to local community orchestra, I can play without being judged or scolded.
Like you've mentioned, I don't regret on going to the music school- I learned a lot from it, and it shaped me who I am today. However it took too long to heal back to who I once was. It was brutal, and many were unnecessary. It took me too long to realize that "something wasn't right"
Thabk you for you sharing your trauma. That is so similar to my story
Thank you for sharing your story, I was always curious to know more details. I think you're a very sweet, charismatic, passionate guy, and your love for music, opera and video games really shines through. I'm glad that that experience didn't turn you away from your love for opera, I'm sure for many people that it might.
There's no reason you can't keep at it just for you personally, for fun, thankfully you have experience and skills from all that hard work! Maybe you could find some musicians to collab with for some really cool opera or video game vocal covers?
I know the fact about each job has its light dark side. With a lot of anxiety I always search the nature of this dark side to protect myself from what kind of bad things could happen to me and as a result, I started to be afraid of everything and I quickly lost confidence in myself. Your story reminded me how important it is to listen that "inner self". The world now is like a big machine with a lot of cogs who don't want to lose their time and not realize how stressful and toxic they are for those who have a little bit of empathy. I'm glad you seems happy now by the content you produce, because your channel is really awesome and i hope you will continue for many years ^^
I just hope that you find even more success in this path you've chosen. You're a genuine dude with a great personality and excellent taste in music and that's all we really need :P.
Hey Marco, I’m really glad you put yourself out there like this. I’m very happy for all the growth this channel has gotten since I started watching so long ago. You deserve it man :)
Thank you for sharing your story Mr. Meatball
Thanks Marco! God Bless you on your Journey!
Thank you for bringing this out into the open, for all of us to understand the opera industry.
Hope you are all better now as you are and enjoy this.
We are all glad that you can bring your opera insights into the game music we all enjoy together!
Dear Marco your story is so common in our world what a hard world we choose
Thank you for sharing your story with us. I'm proud of you too for everything you've done and for taking the best decision for yourself. This video is really informative, it's nice to hear your experience and opinions on this.
Sometimes our passion turns out to be the very cause of despair we felt all these years. You can't meet up your expectations every single time, that's just how life is. If something no longer brings you happiness but destroys you instead, it's time you rethink things and what's really best for you.
You can't live forever restricting yourself to immense pain just for a single thing that had long lost its spark. Your life is much more than this singular thing, but the pain you may get from it spreads like poison in your life. It's an unfortunate imbalance but that's how it is. When I had this realization, I felt like I could finally breathe for the first time in a long while.
Wow I never would of fought you would have gone through so much pain but still remains happy. That’s true dedication 👍
Recently found you via the Undertale playthrough. By far one of my most enjoyable experiences watching someone see that game for the first time. And I could easily be super wrong here, but I think this video shows exactly why those five words were as impactful as they were.
"Despite everything, it's still you."
Thanks for being you Marco ❤
I actually had that emotional response due to the loss of my father and all I've been through since!
@@MarcoMeatball I can understand that. It's amazing how impactful it can be to so many people for so many different reasons. Your journey has been your own but Im so impressed and impacted by how you choose to share it with others. Thank you for allowing so many to join you for this. It takes real strength to do that and in sharing that some of that strength is shared with others as well.
Long rant from someone who has only seen you talk to a camera lol. Nevertheless, thanks for being a bright spot in a frequently dark place Marco.
As a writer, I feel like I can appreciate what you've gone through on perhaps the barest level. I'm continually trying to remind myself that I am good enough, am capable enough, and am talented enough to make strides, all while having those faint whispers of anxiety and doubt and self-flagellation tell me otherwise. Some days my voice wins, some days the goblins win.
I know I'm just one person in the slew of people who orbit your periphery through your content, but I will say this: Opera's loss is the internet's gain, and I hope what you're doing now enriches you in every way you can be enriched.
Thank you for sharing.
As someone who has struggled with her mental health since childhood and has been trying to enter the job market. I feel you. You're right that you were very lucky to get to a point where you could reliably find gigs. I've spent the past 3 years looking for a summer job while I'm in college and not gotten a single reply to any of the 200+ resumes I have submitted. My best guess as to why is that I regularly talk with my friends about my mental health an gender diversity on social media, and employers look at your social media during the hiring process. At this point, systemic discrimination is the only logical explanation for my misfortune. I haven't felt this discriminated since before receiving the right mental health supports in school and therapy. I regularly wonder if all the effort I put into bettering myself over the span of my entire life will have been all for naught, even while I get killer grades in college with a weighted GPA hovering around 4.0 out of a maximum of 5.
Dang Marco. I had no idea it could get like that. I had an idea of just how hard the music industry could be but you brought up so many points I never thought about and that seems really hard. Despite all you went through Im glad you quit for your better mental health for many reasons.
Like u said better to quit now than doing your carrer for 50 years not loving it and thinking now what, also for it just helping your mental health which is very important for everybody because that can make or break people. Finally, im glad you turned to youtube, and sharing the things you have learned in these videos. Because of YOU the way I hear and understand and think about music has forever been changed. I have a very baseline knowledge of music. I know an ok amount of instruments, cant play any, but I can defintely tell which instruments can convey which emotions through watching you. I don't want to go into the music industry because of just things I hjave always heard and I don't think it would be for me, but im glad you experienced all the positives and came out sharing with people all those positives you got from music and showing people like me what music really is, that is something truely special in my opinions. Can truely masterful people make amazing music, yes but sometimes I don't always understand the significance of it cause I don't know too much. But all it takes is one special person to talk about video game music a tiny bit to change my ENTIRE thought process of how i hear music. To me marco someone being able to do that, YOU being able to do that is something really special in my mind. Sorry if this sounded weird just makes me sad to know someone as talented as you had to go through something like that. But im glad you came out the other side because at the end of the day Marco you can know that YOU have changed at least 1 person, this persons view of music forever in a positive way that I will be forever thankful for. Sorry if this sounded weird again sorry you had to go through that but im glad you made the most of it to show others what you are capable of.