Doctor Gabor Mate: The Shocking Link Between Kindness & Illness!
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- čas přidán 15. 05. 2024
- If you enjoyed this video, you will love my first conversation with Dr Gabor Mate, which you can find here: • Gabor Mate: The Childh...
0:00 Intro
03:45 🤝 How Vocalising Stress Enhances Emotional Control and Understanding
08:03 📵 Importance of Disconnecting: Mental Health and Taking Sabbaticals from the Internet
13:26 🔄 Healing Childhood Wounds: Acknowledging Unmet Needs and Self-Discovery
23:17 💡 Reconnecting with Childhood Intuition: Gut Feelings and Emotional Clarity
24:36 🧠 Gut-Brain Connection: Childhood Trauma and Grounding Techniques
27:50 🤝 Autoimmune Diseases and Emotional Patterns: Breaking the Cycle
30:57 💑 Emotional Intimacy in Relationships: Avoiding Mothering Dynamics
37:34 🤝 Suppressing Healthy Anger and its Impact on Immunity
43:43 🙅♂️ Trauma and Authenticity: Overcoming People-Pleasing Habits
48:41 🧠 Repressed Anger and its Link to Illnesses like ALS
49:08 🩺 ALS Patients' Niceness and its Connection to Health
52:11 🚪 Setting Boundaries: Key to Healing and Self-Discovery
01:00:46 🏥 Preventing Trauma-Related Illnesses: Addressing Emotional Needs
01:11:31 💔 Childhood Experiences and Adult Health: Heart Attacks and Strokes
01:12:28 🧠 Impact of Negative Labels on Self-Worth: Childhood to Adulthood
01:15:26 🙅♂️ Childhood Emotional Recognition: Importance of Self-Awareness
01:20:47 🌬️ Shallow Breathing and Chronic Stress
01:24:18 💑 Building Genuine Emotional Intimacy for Meaningful Relationships
01:34:43 🎯 Defining Goals: Work, Health, Relationships, and Emotional Wellness
01:36:06 🤔 Aligning Intentions with Actions: Strengthening Goal-Oriented Living
01:38:27 🧘 Pursuing Inner Peace: Importance of Emotional Harmony and Well-Being
01:44:41 💖 Embracing Vulnerability and Growth: Authenticity in Personal Development
01:46:56 🙏 Gratitude and Connection: Fostering Wholeness and Meaningful Bonds
You can purchase Dr. Mate’s most recent book, ‘The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness & Healing in a Toxic Culture’, here: amzn.to/40unjpo
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Probably one of the most fascinating experts I’ve ever had the honour of speaking to is back in today’s episode - safe to say my mind was blown once again. If you enjoyed this conversation could you do us a favour and HIT that like button on the video! Helps us a lot ❤ share your favourite part of the convo below 👇🏾
Hey Steven I send you love. Iam a highly senstive female. I love gabor mate. Thanks for having gabor mate on the show again I love your podcast. I do have a question for you Steven did you delete the CZcams video of your Podcast with Russell brand I can't find the full video of your Podcast with Russell brand anywhere. I do love how honest and vulnerable gabor mate is.
@@LauraG1 hello Laura I send you love I am from Australia.iam a Senstive person I don't really care for the royal family that sounds Disgusting to me that people had to buy Prince Harry's book to hear the conversation. On a human level I know that he lost his mum in a tragic way. But I love gabor mate.
You have some good guest Steven, (thank you) Gabor Mate is my all time greatest human being.
Saved my life this man, I share his knowledge to others, buy GM books for friends....thank you.
This is your best yet
Great interview! The insta link in the info box leads to Tim Spector though 🙃
If you don’t make time for wellness, you’ll be forced to make time for illness. Big part of wellness is setting boundaries.
This is a spectacular statement ❤ May I quote you (and give you credit)?
I recently obtained my massage license, and I seek to solve for why massage is out of reach as a treatment option.
It's also about genetics, My mother was related to the Hatfields and McCoys, the McCoys had von Hipple lindow syndrome, My mother died from cancer, my uncle died from lung cancer, my aunt died from breast cancer I have two cousins that never smoke that have both had double mastectomies, I have adrenal insufficiency All the records can be found at Vanderbilt University in Tennessee. The Hatfields and McCoys have been in this country for over 300 years.
:3 :p Nice. Fellow Jewish brother, Gabor Maté, that I've been a big fan of for several months. 😅🤝🤝🤝 Yes! Corrupt, and plastic (pun intended) society.
❤
Love his point about men looking for a mother, and then leaving women who finally stand up for themselves, to find a woman who hasn't learned to stand up for herself yet. What a great point.
Truth! If you can’t afford therapy, educate yourself, empower yourself. No one else will.
I'm 80 years old and this video above just drastically changed my life!!!!!!!!!!!!! If I could write a thousand thank you's here I would, right now! Only recently by watching youtube videos about adhd, I've learned that I"ve had all the symptoms all my life and have carried tons of guilt because I never could "fit in" with "normal" people even though I tried so hard to. Suddenly you explained that not ever being hugged as a child, and being ignored by my parents as I grew up, and hearing the cruel arguing my parents hurt each other with, caused me to learn how to "zone out" under any stressful circumstances, and so hyperfocusing on favorite subjects also takes me away from facing head on with any perceived difficulties. I won't take time to mention all the other ADHD symptoms. Suddenly, I completely understand why I am the way I am, and that it's NOT MY FAULT! What a shock and at the same time, what a relief! Now at last I can begin healing. Whew!
Your reply brought tears to my eyes. We don’t realize it but there are millions of children like you (us) in the US and the world. Much happiness and live to you in your remaining years on earth ((hug))💕
@@lj9524 trauma most people have traumas it is impossible not to have some kind of trauma so we have to learn to live with trauma
is not ones fault but we must take steps to make life easier with trauma.. .... in Harries case well he is just
one of many millions of people with trauma I do not feel sorry for him at all ... he has it all
Yes u can...
same here as an adult I learned about Bipolarism and understood I why I had a certain pattern of behavior in my earlier days. I finally connected the dots.
I think I should add that when I put all this information together with all the other things I've learned over the years studying the human brain and how heridity and environment sculpt so many people, I no longer can judge anyone. I don't have their dna and I don't have their life experiences and I don't have their brain wiring. I may not approve of some things folks do, but I still care as I wonder what happened to make them that a way. For the first time I can understand God's unconditional love for us all .
When I grew up my mother used to say children should been seen but not heard. Ugh. It has taken me most of my 74 years to speak up for myself. Thank you for your compassion.
same here
Same..66 yrs old but what I will say is, judging by the people I know, we are better parents than our parents were.
Me too!
Claudia …. I hear you :) ❤ hugs
British by any chance? I've heard this too... It seems the British culture has learned the behaviours that cause trauma as actual positives. Stiff upper lip for example.
I met him going through rehab in 2018 and he also interviewed us at the women's recovery house a few months later. I have read his book "In the realm of hungry ghosts" prior and that was the very beginning of my spiritual journey of recovery and self-love. Been clean and solid for 4 years now.
Great advance! Thank you for sharing
Good for you!
Congratulations on your recovery journey ❤.
God bless you. I'm a 51 yr old guy and my demon is pills. I'm trying hard but it's not easy. I'm glad you did it. Maybe I will too one day. Hello from Toronto
@@tomikola1864🙏🏼😘
" we cant form healthy relationships until we have learned to be alone " so true
Dr. Gabor Mate, is a human being, his humanness is raw, honest and sincere.
Dr. Mate is the only man I've ever heard admit that most men want their women to accommodate to them, to be the only one who changes in the relationship, instead of taking responsibility for their own emotional development. Thank you! Thank you!! THANK YOU!!!
He also stated how much he hates his wife sooooooooo
Yeah.. women change or leave because men don't change
Sheesh - how comments get used out of context. He talked about a time in their relationship where he wasn’t getting what he wanted and felt he hated her, until he realized it wasn’t up to her to meet that need in him. More nuanced I think then stating ‘he hates his wife’…..
@@81mandragora we don't know if he hates her everyday. .. yr not there at his house
J’aime cet interview et mieux comprendre Harry….Merci au Dr Gabor
He also eludes to that the patriarchy is basically giving women cancer. 😂
I was taught to not speak and keep your eyes down. My mother was Cree, and we were dirt poor. My father was an Irish alcoholic who hated anyone of colour... we were beaten and scorned at school and at home. I had to find forgiveness or my life would have probably ended years ago. At 60 I can honestly say, that self love and understanding you are not your parents trauma nor their parents (as Gabor states) find peace, find balance and don't take any crap from anyone is my motto, especially after menopause! I am here for a very long time to come, I am living proof you can change your life. Think good thoughts, eat whole clean foods, sleep well and exercise, lift heavy weights and walk!!! Thanks, guys! ❤
Your strong power radiates from my screen! 😀 ♥ !!!
What does forgiveness look like for you? I grew up in a bad household similar to your description. I eat health, exercise, practice CBT, journaling and give myself the opportunities I wasn't given as a child. My parents seem to think that forgiveness means moving on forgetting the past and acting as though everything is alright, never bringing it up. I do not have that on me. It makes me doubt I have forgiven because I cannot just act like abuse never happened it will always be something that shaped me. I would like to learn from you to improve myself 🙏
@@nikiichanI am sorry to hear you are struggling. I think for myself, I was truly Blessed with an amaxing therapist who helped me tremendously. She used EMDR for some of the sessions and that significantly changed things for me. Have you read any of Dr. Gabor's books? I highly recommend "The Myth of Normal" for anyone looking to heal their past. You know my dear, you cannot forgive others until you forgive yourself. I had intense anger which could turn to rage very easily. I needed to understand that anger was my release of the pressure I built up inside ( not dealing with the issues) I spent years care taking others and being unable to say no yet being pissed off at everyone for it. Anger felt good, which is another thing that stunts your growth right? You don't mention whether you have a therapist, I know for myself that it took many years to heal and there are still some things that can have me looking in the rear view mirror but those are now minimal and quick to resolve today. There are no quick fixes, you have to dig deep and with someone who is licensed to provide the proper therapy. I wish you much success at finding your way to healing your past, nothing to lose however everything to gain. Read everything by Gabor and listen to everything on youtube, it is free and very good info. ❤
@@nikiichanI forgot to answer your first question "what does forgiveness look like for you" For myself it is FREEDOM, untying those shackles that bound that little girl to an existence that smothered and left so many scars. It helped me see that my abusers were also wounded, they too needed to heal and they did the best they could with what they knew. I forgave however I will never forget, that's a good thing as it reminds me to keep striving to be a better, kinder person. There is far too much going on in the world, we need to do everything in our power to keep our Spirit shining bright. We are all too worthy to dim our light or play small. You were meant for great things, help yourself to heal once and for all. ❤
@@nikiichan You did not ask me and my childhood was not good, but probably not as difficult as yours. But i've been through the process of forgiving my parents. I could forgive them when i was almost 50, it was the first time i could see them as just people. People who had lived through their own struggles and had come out damaged themselves.
I am damaged, too. I do my best to do the best i can but i know it is not always "good" or "right" what i do... And then i try to forgive myself, too, and i try to do better the next time. Love to you.
Thank you for a fascinating conversation. Emotionally, physically and sexually abused by a parent with RAD and who was a sociopath, I am a non-smoker who at 65 was diagnosed with NSCL cancer, stage 4. The discussion and reference to NSCL cancer cancertoday rang all of my bells. I am still a “pleaser” but I have found my “voice.” And, when my date of anticipated death was pronounced by excellent oncologists, God made a way. Two ORAL medications inactivated the cancer. In May, I will have survived SIX years, instead of the few months I was given in 2018.
God bless you 🙏🏼🤗
Thankyou Jesus 🙏
Wow a new beginning for you. May God bless you and keep you xx
Lovely.Thanks for sharing .Keep flourishing. Beauty all around you.
I was shamed by my father for being an overly sensitive child. I was abused physically and mentally through neglect and verbal abuse. UNTIL I learned through reading about psychology and self help, that my sensitivity is a gift. I think it is very important for women to familiarize themselves with terms such as 'condesention' 'shaming' 'undermining' 'gaslighting' 'standover tactics' 'dismissive' 'loaded language' 'belittling' etc, in order to challenge the attitudes and behaviors of others towards them so that they can then hold to account what is wrong in a situation, but also challenge their own internal dialogue.
Is there a book you can recommend? I haven’t read any of his books, but sure to look out for them
yes they want to demonize your individuality. Your light scares THEIR darkness. that's all. They KNOW your light and dont want u to shine it...YOUR perception is all that matters, no one, especially family should be put on a pedestal. They're only meant to stay in our lives long enough to teach us BIG lessons, then our true soul tribe shows up as we raise our frequencies...focusing on self love allows for increased trust in our intuition/angels/Higher Self, etc. We are powerful sovereign light beings.. families represent the institutions, govt/media/education etc that we will encounter as tests to learn to see thru the manipulations/coercion/illusions that we survived in childhood.
In my case it was my Mother, now I feel sorry for Her because she grew up in a time where this kind of Help was not an option, it also Help me to get rid of the resentment❤ it's nice to feel connected to people when I read the comments❤
Elaine Aron - Talks about Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) helped me tremendously.
Same here, I finally understood that if I learned to Chanel it Properly it can become a sort of super power
My mother was a very kind woman who lived to a healthy old age. She was also strong and capable of expressing her anger. She was also rational and well educated and used anger to put a stop to stupid, mean or unjust behavior or to get a problem out in the open so it could be resolved. For instance, she once burst into the office of the President of her huge corporation, looked right in the eye, and said, "You cheap bastard." He was startled but had the sense to ask, "What's the matter?" They had a civil rational conversation regarding the policy announced that day that a person's years of part time work would not count towards the company's pension. After their conversation there was an announcement the next day that part time work would count towards the company's pension.
Your mom sounds wonderful, I wish I’d had more role models like her
As a lifelong equestrian, I call this action the “chain across the nose and 2 sharp jerks” to get the attention of a recalcitrant stallion.😁😉
I want to hear more about that woman!
Ur mum is amazing
Your Mom was lucky she was not given a shovel or fired. But yes good for her and her people.
Most I've had the privlage of working with in that model have been cand or worked and fired...like a cop can find any reason to cuff you..if they feel unsafe❤
This session won my subscription. I had a surgery 3 months back. Immediately after my surgery, I read and listened to Gabor Mate's "When the Body Says No". I cried so deeply because his book struck my core. I understood immediately what caused my current state of being. After a time of reflection and a deep desire to heal and recuperate, I made a difficult decision to leave my work and cut down losses in my relationships. It is a deeply scary move but I felt lighter and at peace as a result.
I’m so happy for you that you’ve been able to make those changes! I know from experience that it’s hard to make the move to cut friends who drain you
Difficult choices but absolutely necessary! Good for you!!!
I don't believe you cut down on your relationships, I believe you focused your time on those that matter. You don't have to respond to this comment since your time is precious. Have a beautiful day!
Self care ❤
@@michaelluu915 in a way you are right. i decided to honour my introvert self and not try so hard to be an extrovert anymore. I focus on genuine telationships and not try so hard to please others. its difficult at first but once i gave myself permission i really honour my time and my needs. Thanks for your comment.
Dr. Mate said there is a correlation between “niceness” and cancer NOT kindness and cancer. These are 2 very very different things. One can be both nice and kind at the same time but nice is just how others perceive someone. Kind is a quality of character.
My goodness i was thinking the same thing.
Words are facinating,they have hidden meanings,i have discovered a whole new world studying words🖖🏼
Gabor is brilliant. I am on a journey to self-enlighten after being diagnosed with Bipolar, ADHD and other Disorders at 36. The biggest change was applying some of what Gabor said, letting go of my emotions, being self-aware, learning, focusing on my mental and physical health. I turn 41 next month and listening to podcasts like this gives me hope.
Don’t just let go of the emotions but observe them passing through you & you’re on your way to discovering the power within ❤
Best wishes on your journey. The world is not kind to those of us with executive dysfunctions. Be kind to yourself when others are not.
Have you looked into Daniel Amen? He has also appeared on this podcast. He is the pioneer of linking active brain-scans to mental health. He also has a lot of useful advice about how to protect your brain and actively help your most important organ to be healthy.
This MAN !!! Is just too big for words ! His raw honesty and authenticity is off the charts and how can he publicly be so naked about his own issues. Bow down! Love you Gabor!❤️🙏
I'm doing same! I was diagnosed emotional disorder caused by substances, with psychotic symptoms. Working on myself with meditation and self awareness
This is so true! A few years ago I went through a very tough year where our family suffered from lots of stressful events and I tried to be kind and calm and keep everyone together with a smile on my face but inside I felt very overwhelmed. I didn't know who to talk to so I kept everything bottled up and then I suddenly got very sick, I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease (psoriatic arthritis) told that it was very aggressive and that the only treatment was to take very harmful drugs to suppress my immune system. I was very ill, I started taking the methotrexate 2 days a week, my fingers were so disfigured and painful that I could barely use them and I'm an artist so that was even more difficult and then I realised that this was all caused by my mind. I started to meditate, I became a vegan, and one evening I was talking to my husband and suddenly found myself crying and told him that I was afraid he would leave me if I was sick (my dad left my mom when she was sick when I was very small). I remember saying "I'm scared you won't want me if I'm not useful" and he laughed and gave me a big hug and said "Who said you've ever been useful? I don't love you because you're useful I love you for you" and then a miracle happened. I never realised that I was trying to be helpful and kind and useful all the time because I was afraid of being left and in that moment it felt like a festering splinter that had been there all my life was finally pulled out and I felt light and free. It's been five years, I am living the most amazing life, I feel free, I am 100% healthy. My husband and I are having an amazing adventure together, this year we moved half way across the world and every day feels exciting and new. Thank you both for this brilliant video life is beautiful xxx
@user-uf4op2en4u YOU NEED TO SHARE YOUR STORY on some of the HEALING CHANNELS! I truly believe 90 percent of illness is emotion/mind caused. Blessings to you on going deep to heal.
That is really good to hear, thank you and bless you. ❤️❤️👍🏻
cool
@@sallymander7863 lol no
0p
Thank you very much for sharing your experience so expressively. It teally resonated with me and will help me in the future, I feel sure. My best to you always....
If you are too disagreeable you become psychopath or narcissist. If you are too agreeable people abuse you. I think what every psychologist will agree is that we need to keep things in balance.
We don't need to but balance is nice. Some people don't and can't resolve their imbalance, that's not to say their experience is invalid
If your naturally agreeable learning to be assertive is very important. Something I have struggled with immensely.
Great but to be fair that's the easy bit. The problem is the how. It's about how to resolve the problems and blocking patterns that are unconscious and are actually bad for you both physically and psychologically. As Mate says, this is not about mind control or about directing your life in only a logical way, rather it's about integrating with the intuition or 'gut feelings'.
I love the comment sections of this channels videos.
Always so many opinions and insights from all over the world, and, it's really nice and refreshing to hear healthy, fun, caring debating, caring opinions, and caring towards one another in general.
But I do wonder though, why is it so much easier (for me anyway and many others I've observed too, over the years) to, write how I (we) feel? And sometimes, to write passionately, to a person, or people, strangers and/or ppl I (we) know, without reservations and with love and compassion in my (our) heart's.... yet, if I'm standing in front of those SAME ppl, I might have a sudden fear of speaking those same words I could so easily and eloquently write.....
What's that about?
@@dan44zzt231 agreeable people sometimes don't serve others as well as they think they do, being progressive and health minded in our own life's creates more interesting and productive lives for us which others can appreciate, there are many ways to provide for others, being too agreeable can mean not progressing ourselves and bringing others along. It can be harder for others to feel secure around the agreeable as they often won't challenge others to grow when they need, they can tolerate others being stuck in misery while they provide niceness rather than progressive wisdom
This is so spot on, when I started to say no and stop people pleasing I thrived, I stopped getting sick all the time, and what is very interesting my StepFather died of ALS and he always dropped everything to help people and please people. This was so mind blowing to watch, when I started to think about me and what I need and stopped worrying about being liked my life honestly changed, Thank you Dr Gabor you have made me think about more growth I have todo.
Really happy to hear this one resonated with you! Thank you for sharing with us. Team DOAC 🙏
❤
100% of people will die. So if I say that people who are selfish will die I will also be proven correct, 100% of the time. Is this science now?
yeah, me too! I started my thrive mode the moment I decide to think how to take care and love myself, first and foremost!!
5 minutes in and I am already loving his vulnerability and honesty. Gabor Mate inspires people to heal and connect to their hearts.
This is what I want to do for the world. Showcasing all the messiness of a human so we all see that we are all just humans. Most of us act out of our wounds. But we can choose to look within, fave our emotions, heal ourselves, and be more connected to our hearts. And we can pass this skill down to our children. This is the only way to improve this world.
Can this guy get a noble peace prize please! just the fact that he makes us seem understood is tremendously healing....
So many Nobel winners... And I have the feeling this is going to be a busy year for a LOOOOT of us.
❤
no they give those to presidents who bomb and kill the most women and children!
Can we nominate him?
No ok😅😮
I had a friend named Ronny who had dyslexia. He was called dummy and stupid by his family and schoolmates. He decided to do what he wanted to; drugs, alcohol, casual relationships, illegitimate children. He became diabetic, had his left leg removed and died a slow miserable death. He was four months older than I am(68) and died 8 yrs ago. He deserved better.
I suffere abuse from my entire family my whole life, battled drugs, violence and sex addiction and traveling the world aimlessly partying and mixing with all the wrong types completely Lost and spiritually broken. I dropped them all and Will never look back at the scum and I'm happier than I've ever been with someone who loves me despite my faults. Family are mostly not your friends
Very sad😢
@@thomashassall96 Everyone feels this. It's just a down clycle. When the fun of living in a consequence and human free environment wears off, and it will wear off, you start another chapter. When you're ready. As someone that knows this thinking pretty well, at some point it becomes apparant that the person that cuts himself off from society, in practice or even in thought, is simply breaking the ties with the connections of his own existance. Turning away from the genes that built his body. The ancenstors that created the lanuage in which he thinks, that constructed a system of beliefs he holds as true. The man or woman who breaks this tie has been seen as simply a nothing. Waste. Where the person, in comparison, who has lived the life, beit as the thief, the doctor, the priest, the postitute, the single mother, the homeless man, the rxecutive has aligned themselves with the phrase "to be." I think you'll find that everyone around you no matter how unimpressive they may seem are some how intrinsic to what it really means to be human. The individual is just cell, coming and going like any annonymous cell of the body. But the timeless form remains. I'm still inline with your thinking but I do hope to get here.
He very well may have had hard knocks and odds against him… but somewhere in there, in that mess of his life… he became an adult and had some responsibility at some point , to shoulder his part in that …. Everyone has a back story … everyone has their own boogie-man… we all have to accept some responsibility for own lives !..@Carolynkepler2826
But Dr Gabor… you seem to think it’s okay for Harry to use the traumas in his life to abdicate any responsibility for his present life, and use it as an excuse…. Why?? Why do you give him a pass??
The moment when this great and unbelievably wise man asks ‘am I talking too much’ is so endearing. Fantastic episode. Dr Mate is an international treasure ❤
Love the bit about how moms may have to make a choice between their 3-month old baby or the 35-year-old baby. 🎉❤❤❤ Truer words were never said. ✨🙏🏽✨ Thank you, Dr.
As a single mom who often complained when my kids were small I learned quickly that I was lucky to not have that to deal with on top of two kids.
Women hope for a 35 year old who prioritizes children the same way we do.
They always choose the 35 year old baby, babies with power are the popular ones.
@@lmiller1413ahahahah
I'd much rad
I am the 4 th of nine children. I felt, and still feel, invisible in my family. At age 72. This is really speaking to me.
Wow ! I hope you felt visible with someone else.
Do you think it's better to have less children in this day and age?? I wanted 6 but I'm reconsidering
I was 5th of 6 kids. I can relate.
It has taken me many years to even realize how minimized I felt in my family, and to step away from that toxicity. As to your question, I can't really say. But these days I am relating to the word - Validation. No matter how many there are, take time to see, hear, validate, and love each one. When there are conflicts, validate each point of view, and teach them how to see and cherish the truth in each point of view. Teach them to listen with love, how to apologize, and how to forgive. Growing up in 9 was a good experience in many ways. But my parents were WWII generation. They didn't talk about feelings, at all. They taught us how to share, to 'get along', to go along, to sit down and be quiet. I still have difficulty knowing what I want, and making decisions. Best wishes to you, and your family. @@ElinoraMilanesi
I am last of 9 siblings, we do feel invisible; not heard & lost in the crowd. Just another mouth to feed. Exhausted parents. All just surviving, constant stress... less is best. I have one daughter, love her dearly.
I was 4th of 5 and definitely can understand what you mean.
this man always hits the nail. Not knowing to say NO has gotten me into so much trouble. I learned to say NO when I got sick and started caring for myself.
Good for you and remember, it's ok to put ourselves first thus say no when it doesn't feel right because if we're not good to ourselves how can we be good to anyone else. God bless! 🙏🏽
I believe higher beings watch over you closely, and you have been guided to care for yourself, to give you care you deserve and didn’t get your deserved portion of earlier. Our journeys have only just begun. This is but a short diversion to the next adventure. That’s what I believe anyway. ☘️
Same Here
It took me 38 yrs but yes...same here
Taking into account the murders the doctors statements can only be correct
Gabor mate is the light we need in this world. His compassionate work has changed my life and I am forever grateful for his presence and work.
Dr. Gabor Mate is one of our greatest living humanitarians.
Gabor Maté is the most profound example of a wounded healer i've ever seen. I am extremely grateful that he's been all over the place lately. His knowledge is part of what this world needs in order to be able to heal. I can warmly recommend his book "The Myth of Normal" and i am spreading copies wherever i can.
Edit: I love his wife Rae, too. She who said "Truth is sexy." Now ain't that one sexy truth! :-D
Spread the love to me. I wish I could get the book, too.
Me too. So glad I was introduced to this non last year
@@inthebackyardwithzoemachun6035 Hi dear, i replied earlier but that reply "mysteriously" disappeared. I've sent you a bunch of universal love and wished i could send you the book, too. Please check it out, maybe you could afford to buy it, maybe together with a friend, or a few friends? Big hug!
Rae is also a fabulous artist. We have a few of her very joyful and whimsical prints.
Would love to have one!
Some children never become aware that they have needs. I didn’t realize it until I was in my 50’s. It suddenly dawned on me - “what about my needs”
Me too, and trying to communicate that to a domineering husband is impossible. How dare I have needs or wants… He thinks my only purpose is to make his life pleasant.
@@katherinewhite3858 I asked my husband, straight up, that question, I think it shocked him. Another thing, I was working on my computer, I could hear him calling me from the garage to come help him with something, but I needed to finish up what I was doing and yelled back that I’d be there in a minute. Apparently, it wasn’t fast enough for him. He walked in and stood there, angrily talking to me through his teeth with this contorted look on his face. I said, “go look at your face in the mirror, and see how you look when you talk to me, your face is all twisted” He asked me if I were going to help him, I said yes, he said when, and I said, next week. First time I spoke up for myself, but not the last.
Adrian and Katherine, you might want to check out Glennon Doyle Melton and Elizabeth Gilbert’s work.
@@heathergonzalez6890 thank you
This is so true. i got really sick with pneumonia in December 2023, and it took 2 months to fully recover. after setting boundaries with work and relationship and being able to say no, my health has been so much better i feel so great within myself. Being sick was my body way of telling me to slow down and to take care of myself
This man is a genius - ever since I came across him - he's the only person where what he says has actually clicked and explained so much about my life and makes things make sence
Yes! He’s a great soul!!! Such a Genius!!✨✨✨✨✨✨✨
My Dad abused me and I had very little contact with him, but over a year ago my Mum became severely disabled after a stroke and we had to be in regular contact again. Every time I spoke to him it would be very upsetting and take me back to childhood, but I would push back and try not to let him walk all over me for my sanity.
However, he wasn’t treating my Mum well, so I decided I had to ‘play nice’ in order to try to persuade him to get her what she needed. This is when the migraines started. They would come on almost immediately after hearing his voice on the phone. So I’m taking a break now as I’m doing IVF and it was too much, but it was the migraines that made me realise I had to take a break. I don’t know what the long term solution is as I want to help my Mum, but I REALLY don’t want to be in contact with him.
❤
❤
I love that Gabor, somebody revered for having the answers and enlightened clarity on humans deepest, most hidden issues can openly say he's just figuring life out too. Humbling, reassuring.
👍😊
Super reassuring! ❤
I agree. It means so much more to me that he's honest about his humanity.
When asked how are you doing, your answer images what most of us are going through. We are up, we are down. Although we enjoy the UPS. We must learn to cope with the downside.❤
Add to this that you NEVER "figure out life," you just get better at it as you become aware of yourself... your true, authentic self.
Gabor Maté always speaking to my soul. I love him.
I discovered Gabor Mate about 8 years ago when doing a deep dive into trauma. I found his teachings and speaking to be so healing. In recent years, I've struggled a bit with him because he has appeared so clearly ill and depressed - it was like, it didn't add up. Here he talks about resolving the myth of his public persona and his private life and how his wife really required it of him. I love that he can be so brutally honest about his own frailties and growth. You can physically see the peace and healing that has occurred within him. 💚
This. I see much of this. I remember telling psychologist in my 12 steps group CBT group who were treating people with various MH conditions (like ASD and trauma) with CBT that perhaps these people would benefit better from people like Brene Brown and Gabor Mate, I think this was around 2017… I couldn’t believe the prescribed therapy simply instructed people to tap into whether they feel angry and then blow bubbles - there was no learning or growth - it was teachings for 9 year olds. While people were suffering - going to work while very ill, working while very ill, working to earn £100 pw, paying £40 for therapy, £50 for chiropractic therapy, having £60 for groceries and then told by CBT group therapy to blow bubbles when you’re stressed. Meanwhile the healthcare neglects to check the patient who has severe health issues - because they seemingly are functioning. Later of course turns out patient is rather severely ill.
Thank you for this comment. I noticed these changes too. I love the way you have expressed this with clarity and love.
It struck me to see how humble and honest Gabor is when he talks about his own mistakes. Wow !!
that's called maturity, it's very rare and that's why it's amazing to see
It´s called a well trodden performance.
Exact thoughts!! Right from the start
but talking about people in a public forum who did not consent to it, who he probally never met or does not personally know, is unprofessional imo.
It's terrible how every bit of your action in public is perceived as a performance that's expected to be perfect and appeasing. There's no acceptance of mistakes even though everyone makes mistakes all the time, rehearsed or not. Individuality has faded; it's all a mass behavior
I went to the event he said he did not do his best. It was one of the best event I ever been to, I was in tears. Honestly, I will always remember of that evening and what he and his wife said. 😊❤
Now this is a comment under a YT video i'm sure he would love to read!
Try to convey it to him❤
Its funny I have terminal cancer and the one thing that upsets me, I can't do things for others i used too. For the first time in my life I have had to say no to people. Saying that those around me spoil me now and I am grateful, im now going to try to drop the guilt I feel for not being there for them. Thank you
I hope you heal ❤
@@mandanam.m.1745 awe thanks, I will never.give up
Being able to look after the people who took care of me when I needed it is an absolute honour.
I am positive that those people who are around you now feel exactly the same about you🤍 ❤
@@LS-ts6zl thank you
I read scattered minds. It was a revelation for me. I alson had therapy and my wife and I are so much happier for it. Admitting that you might be wrong isn't easy. But it changes things often for the better. Thanks Gabor!
Anyone notice him ask if he was talking too much? Cause Steven was listening so contently as he always does that Gabor wasn't sure if he was out of line! Steven has a keen ability to allow his guests to be authentic as he listens and asks questions that continue to level up these incredible podcast! ❤❤❤
… listening so intently 👈🏿
Compassionate listening - it's a 'thing some of us do'
YES! Recognizing trauma is not an excuse to continue the behavior, but to overcome it
can be hard to face, but its so true! ❤
I’ve done the work .. 2 decades of healing work ( from childhood trauma) while I lived everyday life … I only have 1 life, I’m responsible for learning, grieving & healing.. ❤ It seems hard at times, but working through this stuff is SO liberating - FREEDOM ❤️🩹 to 💝 = 💪🎉
Amen
Well said!👍🏼
Absolutely!
Cannot get enough of Gabor. Everytime I listen to him I feel like another veil is lifted and I can see clearer.
My son.... 37 now... Fits this description to a tea.
Now I'm in tears.... I raised him by myself. I had NO CLUE. 😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢
Do not blame yourself.
@@gillhall7590 I'm trying really hard not to.
Me too. We didn’t know and did our best and at some point they are adults that have to overcome their tramas. We did.
@@forestnymph8401 I'm trying
My father told me I was damaged goods, years ago, boy did that stick like shit! It’s good to hear that no one is damaged goods, but that we are sufferers of trauma.
Any parent that says that to their child are evil period. People are not goods to be damaged. Only monsters think that way because they don’t see people, they see a resource to be exploited. I hope you find the clarity in your heart and soul to know you matter.
My father told me if I didn’t stop snorting (I had severe allergies as. kid) and loose some weight, no one would ever want to marry me. I was 10. Then he ignored me till he died eight years later. That stuff really does stick. It’s the most vivid memory I have of him. Just crazy a parent could be so out of touch.
Carl Jung said the cure to mental health is doing the next thing -- keep doing the next thing don't get frozen
😢
That is the same as saying there is something wrong with you, or you are bad. Few things are as destructive as this.
I LOVE Gabor’s transparency and examples from his own life.
For a therapist, it’s very unprofessional and self absorbed to enter his private examples into every clinical situation and explain everything through the lense of his personal experience. It’s actually very narcissistic. Some people work very hard and can handle fame. For others fame becomes their Achilles heel. I think he is the latter. I find his work important, but his persona tedious and self absorbed.
@@Isragirl10 he's not doing therapy in interviews ... why the strong judgement?
His transparency has helped me a lot, and other as well, that it's ok to be human. If you don't like it, you can just look away.
@@Isragirl10that applies to a therapy session. He is not being a therapist here. Also he is a medical doctor, not a therapist!
@@Isragirl10girl i’m autistic as hell and his comparison really helped me, he’s being interviewed it’s not that serious
Transparency is called honesty?
Gabor is so generous sharing in such detail everything, holding nothing back, breaking it down into easy to understand. So much he says is true in my experience. He’s a genius.
Thank you both so much for this clarity.
Two years ago i had cancer. I am fully recovered now but still dealing with the aftermath of the chemotherapy. This talk gave me a deepening in my healing journey.
Deep gratitude ❤
As someone who is in recovery, once I stopped all of the addictions and paid that money for therapy instead it changed my life.
12 step programs work and are free
Well done, you're on the road to recovery, trust God also you'll be amazed how He can help. ❤❤❤❤❤
BRAVO!!!
CONGRATULATIONS ON BETTING ON YOURSELF! 👍🙏
Oh wow, thank you everyone for such kind words. It's been a long spiritual journey.
When people don't know how to say no, the body will say no for them. That niceness is a repression of healthy anger. -Dr. Gabor Mate
I had to take a nap halfway through this, but not because I was bored. It's wonderful hearing someone confirm that you are on the right path. I've been working on myself nonstop, and someone else understands. It's overwhelming
I feel inner peace is accepting yourself for you are. Taking the time to recharge you batteries, and reflecting who you are.
Mister Mate is so humble. To be so wise and yet still be able to admit own faults, that is the true mastery worth following!
Don't you admit faults? It's not unusual for people to share poor decisions...
@@edelgyn2699 You live in a nice reality if you presume this is a standard, congratz! :)
I agree. I’m encouraged.
Dr.
@@007nadineL I agree. He earned the title Doctor and it is his title, Doctor Mate, and not Mister.
I developed an ovarian tumour from living in a toxic marriage! I knew intuitively that is the cause of my tumour! When that tumor was taken out of my body, I had a clarity that I never had before! I learned to say No
What an absolutely wonderful very wise kind man thankyou Dr Gaber
OMG!! I wish I had seen his video 40 years ago when my mother was diagnosed with ALS. She was TOO nice to everyone!! Thank you for bringing such informative, incredibly -easy- to- listen-to speakers. Your channel is like a free university for living a healthy life and understanding ourselves and each other. Please keep on doing what you are doing. Great interviewing skills.
Many Hugs,
Krista
Reading list spontaneously mentioned by Gabor on trauma recovery
• Richard Schwartz - No Bad Parts
• Bessel van der Kolk - The Body Keeps the Score
• Peter Levine - Waking the Tiger
• Bruce D. Perry und Oprah Winfrey - What Happend to You?
• Bruce D. Perry - The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog
• Gabor Maté - When The Body Says No
• Gabor Maté - The Myth of Normal
Thank you for this!
Yes thank you! 😊
Thank you!
Thank you 🙏
One other GREAT book, I have all these above and feel it has a place in the list. What to Say When You Talk to Yourself. Dr. Shad Helmstetter.
Gabor is a gift to humanity.
Gabor IS a gift to humanity, and being able to hear this interview is a gift to me.
Dr Gabor is a saint, a great human being. Wish u a long life. And thanx for this very enlightening interview.
I came to this video because I am interested in Dr. Gabor Maté's work. I am very impressed with the host of the channel for how good of an interviewer he is and that he also showed vulnerability. It takes a lot of courage and integrity to admit your mistakes. A very good interview all around.
I grew up in a wealthy household where trauma and abuse were at heightened levels that most society would never believe because of the wealth in that family. Never was hugged.
I've also run away and lived homeless on the streets tryin to get away from the wealthy psychopath parents. Been traumatized there on the streets too, But the trauma is more in-your-face, and poor people are much Kinder and willing to help. Got lotsa hugs.
Because I no longer people please, or minimize myself for anyone by suppressing my emotions for any narcissist or entitled control freak, this is the healthiest I have physically been in my entire life.
It's the clearest mentally I've ever been. It's the most stable emotionally I've ever been.
And you know what Society does?
They abuse n condemn you even worse for being healthy because of all of these falsified lies, indoctrination and stigmas that are really just bias.
I've noticed the world gone mad since the age of three, and I just turned 58.
Thanks for sharing your authenticity and life knowledge. We all have wisdom on this life to share with each other👍
Wow!! What a journey!! Great courage, and detachment!
I’m so glad you found kind people! Everyone deserves hugs
Yes material wealth does not protect from emotional abuse & neglect.
You just told my story. I am 53 now. Hugely struggling in a meaningless job. I'm not living true to my calling. Figuring out how to make those changes.
Spot on regarding auto immune diseases. I always put everyone’s needs first and programmed to help humanity at the expense of my own needs. I had chronic fatigue for many years but now I’m more balanced but it felt like selfishness at the start, putting my needs before others still feels uncomfortable.
I agree, it's such an accurate observation. I was diagnosed with RA at the age of 32, and I used to be that quiet person my whole life, who rarely expressed anger, rarely cussed, was conflict avoidant and just wanted peace at all costs. And it felt scary and awkward to start showing my dissatisfaction, but to my surprise, most of those situations I thought would end up in a conflict, got resolved without as much as an argument. Seeing that helped me to express myself more openly instead of suppressing everything inside
For me too. Feels unnatural. But if I don't do my best then nobody else will. 💪
I am happy to hear that you are feeling more balanced. Best of luck in your continued healing ❤
@@1epcut good for you! hope your health improves, as well!
@@24get24give Thank you, that's very kind ☺
10 mins in and I'm so grateful to hear Garbor in his most humble honesty ❤ Authenticity authenticity authenticity... this is what we need to hear from out thought/spiritual leaders 🙏
I was at the Doxy when he gave that talk he was unhappy about and if that was Gabor on a bad day then we are all in trouble. I was over hearing a conversation with two colleagues, one who’d never heard him speak or read his books. They were very moved and inspired. Despite all his wisdom and knowledge he still doesn’t know or feel fully safe within. Which weirdly gives us all peace and acceptance. Surely. Great episode. Fantastic conversation. I hope the mental health/psychiatry/NHS catch up soon! Much love if you are in fact reading the comments. Although gutted I didn’t see the talk with Prince Harry. The British press are insidious and should be irrelevant. Keep talking and getting the word out there. ❤
I loved the message that nobody is broken, that we can all recover our genuine self 💯
i do too and i’m hopeful we will all have access to support and tools to do so. we develop in relationship with others and it takes relationships with others to heal. for too long access to therapeutic relationships especially non mainstream that recognizes somatic and trauma and the like has been completely out of financial reach for those who need it most. i’m hopeful this is changing.
That was my favorite part.
Yes I also learned that our dearest body works day and night to support us and we do not respect it and often offend it...
There’s a difference between “niceness”, acting out socially-acceptable stimuli, versus “kindness”, which is showing genuine empathy for others.
I always try to think of myself as a kind person, but definitely not a nice person…because sometimes I’m not very nice! 🤣
Actually a difference
@@patrinaperkins1992
😂 NO ONE is nice all the time, that doesn’t mean were unkind
100%. Niceness is just avoiding making yourself feel uncomfortable.
No. People fake kindness all the time, by their nice words.....but their actions state otherwise.
BEST INTERVIEW EVER!!!! DR. GARBOR IS BRILLIANT 🙏❤👏👏👏❤❤❤🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 THANK YOU ✨
With every interview I watch with Gabor I learn so much about myself. I now understand myself so much more. I actually believe I may be able to achieve inner peace. Thank you so much Mr. Mate you are a life saver, literally.
❤Beautiful. I felt your comment in my heart. I AM happy for you. Blessings 🙌🏾.
His teachings should be mandatory for any academic curriculum of aspiring MDs. He’s amazing ❤❤. Thank you for this conversation.
Emotional self-regulation is the most important life skill. I taught myself the life skills I didn't learn in school. I had to also do a lot of unlea4ning. So I know what you mean in your comment!
Our academic institutions have churned out two generations of doctors who lack insight into the human condition, who have poor attitudes to complex trauma survivors (specifically caused by child sexual abuse), who lack empathy and basic respect, and who willingly subscribe to the doctrines and indoctrination of Big Pharma. This has created an extremely unsafe society in general.
I am a Survivor. I speak from personal experience here
Yes!!!!!!!!
This is all lies lol common sense dictates that ppl that are promoting themselves on TV, s0cial media etc n trying to sell you something ..books..lectures..typically are the least credible..they're just trying to make money off of u...these ppl are manipulative oppurtunists trying to make money from you by lying and are damaging ppls minds with their manipulation..n the guy that runs this channel is just a sc*mb@g doing the exact same ...this guy constantly have bad ppl n liars on your channel does he do no research or just have no morals n only care about making £££ I think I know the answer
That is exactly what I am thinking 😀🥰 ...but not only for MD's, also for Teachers, Politicians ...for anybody... there is so much to unlearn and relearn in all areas for all of us
Listening to these voices, help me affirm the thoughts that i have been ruminating for a while, especially after losing both my parents in a short window of 3 years. My mom was just 60 when she passed away with no medical conditions whatsover. She was extremely extremely over the board generous and patient and nice even to people who hurt her.
When she passed away suddenly within a matter of 3 days because of gall bladder infection, people were hellishly shocked and in denial. But strangely, I was not! Though i knew she had no physical problems, i knew what she was going through deep pain psychologically. She was a big time pushover. She could never say a No. So was my dad. All our life decisions were based around pleasing the society!
When she passed away, this was the exact thought that came to my mind "Only if she spared herself for herself and us!" . Hundreds of people cried around her but i knew nonev of them knew her well at all They all liked her because she was there for them always with no boundaries! And they would never find any like her! But in real, I wish she saved herself for people who mattered.
She had grown resentful over years that took her away from us....
This podcast just gave me the chills as i had a similar epiphany when she passed away! I feel like God is talking to me through this podcast ❤
Same with my mom.
I'm really sorry about your mom. She was a valuable person. We should all learn our value and save it for those who matter most.
Please, please, read 1 Corinthians 13. It has been said thousands years ago and it's the answer to you in regards to your mom and your pain. The most kind and compassionate people die because they needed but didn't find love from the people they served, but they didn't know there was God who loved them all their life, and this love was greater than any human could give. You can change the world if you love people the way Christ loves them, unconditionally, generously, caringly. I love the word "charity" which King James' Bible uses in place of love in this context. Charity is not a donation of things or money, it's genuine deep caring for people, which is more than love, because it's always doing and acting selflessly. My sincere condolences on your loss. God bless you!
Thanks for sharing... I think a lot of us have known people with this problem and can therefore relate. Good thing we now live in times where this problem is recognized... thanks to Gabor Mate and others... and so help can be sought if we can acknowledge and face up to this issue.
Amen to that! ♥️♥️♥️♥️ your story reminds me of my grandma 76yrs old who her stress finally took a toll on her physical health. I have a huge family and she’s the one everyone looks for because she says yes to everyones favors, specially her children except for my mother. My family treats my grandmother like a maid. My mother has trauma from her abusive father and has unresolved resentment towards my grandma (her mom) which led my mom to separate us from the rest of the family. My grandma calls my mother a few times a year to talk but my mom avoids her at times. Everytime she calls, she ends up venting to my mother, telling her how tired she is of peoples problems and having constant parties family events at her home she’s just stuck on limbo not living life but living for everyone else. It’s sad to see her health deteriorate all while her children, their children and the rest of the family takes advantage of her caretaking.
I love gabor he fascinates me, I love listening. I am from Africa live in uk, miss home so much.
He made me feel seen and understood, he's a great teacher and human being. Thank you for everything you do Gabor ❤
Gabor talks about the compulsion to keep picking up the phone to see if there was anyone who needed him... is so real. Thank you for being authentic as you always are.
As an angry middle child, I never felt good enough, unhappily married and now with a chronic illness I’m trying to learn to put myself first, but always feel guilty if I let people down and still don’t know what I want because I’m busy trying to keep everyone happy and to like me.
Read a book called women who love too much. By Robin ?
My so-called "narcissistic" friend taught me that.
So many women are groomed to be ppl pleasers. There's lot of books and content helping to heal. One I can recommend is discovering inner mother by Bethany Webster. Books really help to feed mind with different message than we were conditioned to. It takes time and practice so be patient with yourself.
@@Zookeeper. Yes, they can be very helpful indeed. Been there, done that, until i realised i was not going to help him in any way by dissolving my self. Got out just in time to safe my life by licking my wounds.
@Medjugoriemiss Women who Love Too Much; by Robin Norwood. A brilliant book; I first read it 30yrs ago, at the beginning of my recovery journey.
easily one of the best interviews! hes an amazing man forever changing us all to the better! thank you doctor gabor!
Always a pleasure to listen Dr. Mate! Dr. Mate, you are a blessing for humanity! ❤ Your passion, expertise and humbleness always captivates me. Thank you!
I’m so interested in the correlation between people-pleasing and illness. I went travelling for almost 2 months by myself, and managed to put myself first during this trip. I wasn’t sick once. As soon as I came back and engaged in people pleasing again I got sick. It could just be a coincidence but it’s interesting to think about.
@shelche19168
I found it enlightening how he reminded us that the emotional and the immune system operated the same. A good thing to keep in mind! 🙂
@@ceoa absolutely!
I believe a lot of "people pleasers" are just masters of the art of pretending to care, in other words, kissing ass all the time. They lose their inner dignity. There's no problem with being nice but you shouldn't need to put on a fake act. Just be real and try not to be abrasive, generally that's closer to the truth for many and authenticity goes a long way both externally and internally.
@@the_kingd0m did you watch the video? Dr Gabor explains the root of people-pleasing behaviour and it’s not quite how you’re describing it. Fair enough if that’s what you believe but I don’t think it’s helpful to shame people for behaviour which could be rooted in trauma.
Your bang on! Good on ya, for recognizing that 👏 👌
He got so deep till he asked "Am I talking too much?" Doctor is passionate and knows his stuff.... Amazing guy.
Very honest man , a true humanist with endless compassion, his podcasts have changed my life ❤️
Dr Mate your answer to the question at the end has me in floods of tears! It touched me in a profound way. THANK YOU 🙏🏼
My mother was bipolar and i was 6 weeks in an incubator. Never liked her. But here I am at 70 and all the abandonment and bullying issues I've had has lead me to embrace the life of a mystic. I couldn't have asked for more. I am so lucky to have met the right teachers. Like the crucifixion, a right of passage. Dr. Gabor is excellent. A example of a great human being. The wisdom of the survivor. 🎉
God Bless you. Glad you found G.M.
Great spoken very interesting intervieuw!!!
Can relate - connect. Being not alone is a blessing, isn't it? Let's keep growing, keep stretching, exploring our beauty, feeling the feelings... 💔❤🌈
Hello . I just turned 67 and i am sharing some benefits. Let me know if you are interested . I'm just helping the few I can
😮😅😮😅u😅
Not saying no has a lot to do with the fear of abandonment.
It is always a pleasure to listen to Gabor and to learn from him.
Thank you, Dr Gabor, you have articulated the auto immune process and it's dynamics with such clarity; it really helps to make some kind of sense in living with diseases that have no answers.
Your podcast is so good. You inform without always trying to entertain. You're vulnerable and you contribute, but you don't dominate. Your questions are spot-on and they keep the conversation going. The camera work is brilliant and not distracting. Really top-drawer in comparison to most YT channels.
This is so true. I have an autoimmune disease and I'm a chronic people pleaser and self abandoner. I don't know if I can change. I wish Gabor would make an exercise book for chronic people pleasers to help them overcome this tendency.
I can say that the first step in any change is awareness, and you've already achieved that. Recognizing that you have a tendency to self-abandon in favor of pleasing others is crucial. From here, you can start to explore why you do this and what steps you can take to prioritize yourself more often.
It's never too late to change. Even small steps can lead to significant improvements over time. You're not alone in this, so feel free to reach out to people of people who are going through similar emotions so... hope I have contributed with some good.
Read codependent no more by melony beattie if that helps,it's a profound book
Or read Facing Codependence by Pia Melody. I found it very helpful in explaining the routes of Codependence and how to go about changing it. There is also a workbook to go with it.
Awareness is the first step. Alan Robarge has some vey insightful videos here on CZcams, on people pleasing and the core wound of attachment trauma that might be helpful. He’s a clinical psychologist specialising in attachment wounds and how we then adapt our behaviours in adult life. He has some transformational information. I also have an autoimmune disease that has been in remission since I did the healing work of attachment wounds from my childhood. Might be a coincidence, but I ‘feel’ different now and remission followed.
Crappy Childhood Fairy here on CZcams has some great videos that help with this and lots of other elements of it.
It’s not that they’re too nice, it’s that they’re SENSITIVE. They feel easily when they hurt others so are overly cautious not to in effect hurt themselves by hurting others.
I kind of agree. Where do you draw the line of complete selfishness and being self involved with this thinking. There is a Grace and Great Joy in being of service from your heart and kindness and having deep empathy for others, supporting family members and just being there for others. 1:01:46
"Self Repression leads to illness"..this is so true
This man just has so much gold. It’s so valuable. Thank you. It is so frustrating the lack of education in medicine and justice system about the link between stress emotional repression in the face of injustice and health and mental health. It’s simply astonishing. I am learning to advocate for myself and stand up for myself with all of this. Much gratitude for these confirmations of things I have figured out through my own struggles. It is so heartening.
His book ‘When the Body Says No’ literally changed my life. I’m so grateful for him and his work
As a mother with a 40 yr old son who has been through so much abuse from his father, I have been ridiculed for supporting him where he needed support. I have stood by him and will do so to the end.
Abuse had not broken you. You are a good person, this is what it shows. Ignore people judging you. Always listen to your gut feelings. Your son may be broken, try to get help for him, if you can.
Supporting him is not the same as keeping the umbilical cord to a grown ass man.
Using your adult child as an attachment replacement for the abuse you suffered isnt doing anything for him but you're doing it for yourself. You crippled your child and turned him into a surrogate husband so he never leaves you so he would always be there for you.
I know too many men who had mothers like you. They are broken beyong repair because they are still emotionally laying in bed with their own mother. Disgusting behavior.
Dr. Que hombre tan admirable es usted!! Tan inteligente de la vida! Tan humilde! A muchos líderes les hace falta una maestría en humildad! Entre más lo escucho más lo admiro! 👏🏼
So thankful to have Dr Gabor Mate in our lives because we can learn so much!!! We are really blessed ❤
We must remember that we all carry not only our own pain but the memories and experiences of all our ancestors ..thank you Gabor and Steven.
If you believe that you need to change your mindset. This type of thinking is a symptom of 1st world abundance. Stop navel gazing at start finding purpose in your daily life and look forward, not inward or backward. Do you think Gabor looks well? His constant inward gazing is a sign he’s mentally unwell too.
Hello . I just turned 67 and i am sharing some benefits. Let me know if you are interested . I'm just helping the few I can
Grew up in post ww2 England in extreme poverty and was taught that social mobility was number one. Went on to make sure my own kids also worked hard to get on and stay out of poverty. No time for authenticity and the luxury of ‘self care’. It was all about survival and making sure that you didn’t end up back at the bottom of the pile. I’m sure I’m not alone. It wasn’t called generational trauma. It was called staying alive, having a roof that hopefully didn’t leak and enough basic food to not be malnourished.
Shout out: "BLESSINGS TO YOU AND YOUR'S...❤ I hope you all have found peace."
Gods grace that you made it ... wow!... well done and know today that YOU are loved ... sacrificial love for your children is what Gods Son did for us... He gave His life because He loves... ... bless you and hope I see you in heaven where that is total peace from striving... our glorious hope in Christ ❤️🌺❤️
Dear Amelia,
you are such a hero. Please be very proud of yourself.
I am.
Sincerely Meret ( switzerland)🙋♀️🌹🦋
As much as you have an excuse, using an excuse is taking away your responsibility. Gabor equally has an excuse, but using it as one won't allow you to grow.
People forget how genuinely hard life was just a couple of generations ago
I had the same experience. I feel like if I was blind all my life! It's such a relived. 1 month ago I wasn't able to stay up on my feet cause I had so much pain. I had a revelation. A spiritual one and it's amazing. I know that I have the power to created the reallity that I always wanted for me and others. This is powerful. I wasn't able to function. My body was tellement me enoug is enough, if you don't validate yourself and take the time to understand why you feel like that. I feel validated. There is a distress pandemie cause there is to much lies. I really wish this to every single mind that as a conscience.
WOW! Dr Mate is an incredibe teacher of truth. His approach to childhood trauma is gentle and forgiving providing a segue for listeners to explore themselves at a deeper level. No doubt, we all have continuous work to do on ourselves, and with this pursuasive approach, it is not as scary as one may first perceive. Thank you!
Not being seen or heard. Childhood trauma. This man has helped me so much. I am now 66 and I suffered for years from physical and emotional wounds. You have made a difference to me ❤
gabor mate worked so hard on this interview. he really poured his mind and heart into every answer and paced his responses and prompts so well and its nice to see that the interviewer treated him with the respect he deserves which likely ultimately brought out his best work
Did you notice him ask if he was talking too much? Cause Steven was listening so contently as he always does that Gabor wasn't sure if he was out of line! Steven has a keen ability to listen and ask questions that continue to level up these incredible podcast! ❤❤❤
Reading through the comments I can only reiterate what other people have said. I had never heard of Gabor Mate until this interview, but found myself astounded at how he described my life as a “people pleaser”. I m a 72 year old female born and raised in England now living in the USA. I have known for some time that I have not lived an authentic life, I have no idea who the “real” me is, I have been a daughter, a wife (53 years), a mother, a grandmother and for the last 7 years a caregiver for my mother who died in my arms aged 96 and my husband who has stage 4 cancer. This is in no way a cry for sympathy, I have had a good life in countless ways, just a hard reminder that I lost the “real” me a long time ago while making sure everyone around me had everything they needed, never giving a thought that what I wanted was important too, and no one ever seemed to notice.
I think the expectation is most women be people pleasers we are groomed that way and many don't mind if they are authentically happy helpful people anyway but if you are used and abused you will likely not feel happy or helpful much anymore so can't be a people pleaser means a loss of identity if that's what you were always like.
Here's something I was working on a few days ago. Its more or less the recipe to the purpose of life:
Thoughts, Behaviour, Agency (A sense of effect in the world), Purpose. Therefore, purpose comes from agency and, agency comes from behaviour and, behaviour comes from our thoughts. If your thoughts were to take care of your family while refusing worldly exploration or hedonism then you have still completed two generations of fulfilled purpose in life! Furthermore, had you have explored some of the ulterior life options instead, would you not have regretted perhaps the path you did take?
+1
I can relate 🙏🏼🌺 Although I’m from a different country and a different generation, I’ve learned to repress who I am from the beginning of my life and suffered the health consequences from it.
You matter and your interests matter 🙏🏼 Give yourself the time and space for at least small hobbies to nurture your authentic Self, like reading a book you really like, some gardening, going to a workshop, learning something new 🫶🏼🌺
Pay attention to your inner dialogue when you argue for your limitations like: no time, … is more important, I can’t. The more you say this to yourself, the more you need to make time for your Authentic Self 🫶🏼
Women for generations have been expected to be the kind caregivers..The farther we go back in history the more women were expected to do what they are told and suffer in silence, As women get more rights there is a chance they can set better boundaries. But still the thought is: The kinder you are the better women you are. The perfect woman is the one who puts others first. Some have been killing ourselves with the kindness for others. I wish had a better understanding of this dynamic when was practicing. So many of my female patients as well as myself were people pleasers and searching for the "real person". Yet there are those people who always put themselves first, never help others, etc. and they do seem to get along, and have a way of seeking out people pleasers to use, they make terrible friends or family members but seem to prosper more than the kind folks.. This dynamic is new to me, and bears more exploring. You seem to be coming to an understanding of this dynamic and wish you well in finding the REAL YOU.