Even earlier! I've never used anything I learned from history class, but if I had been taught about attachment styles in my teens, it would have saved so much heartache.
Tips for deciphering between your intuition/gut feeling versus your fear response/stories? Want to build more self-trust but it’s hard when I feel like I’m getting these two confused. - Fearful Avoidant
From my experience your fear response is loud and boisterous like BREAK UP WITH HIM, intuition is very light and sure. But I only came to that conclusion when I started going to the root cause of where my anxiety was coming from.
Intuition is a gentle knowing, it doesnt change what its saying. It doesnt shift or be reactive. It also physically feels like a relaxation, an expansion, an insight, or a resonance. An Ah Ha moment. It makes sense even if you cant logically explain why, it feels absolutely right in a light non emotionally charged way. Intuition is also a full bodied relaxation (even if its bad news, it resonates in your whole body as a gentle knowing certainty). Intuition has a pulling energy to it, where youre relaxed or staying put in yourself and the answer is smoothly coming to you both from within yourself and sometimes from outside of you (youre not desperately frantically searching for it). By contrast fear..or rather ego..is characterized by being highly emotionally charged, with a sense of urgency and the thoughts that come with it change constantly. Theyre reactive and clawing out for something to grasp on to. Fear/ego hijacks our logic by scanning hypervigilantly for proof that what its afraid of is true, but it also cherry picks that logic. Its not a cohesive, complete, unbiased logic. Its negatively selective logic that willfully ignores positive information that's just as logical and likely. Fear/ego has thoughts thay all have an emotional signature behind them that is rooted in intense fear, toxic shame, and false guilt. Intense fear is a trauma response to be soothed, while shame and false guilt are pseudo emotions that were taught to you directly or indirectly to supress your genuine emotions. Fear/ego physically feels like tightening, contracting, tension, wanting to explode, located mainly in the upper body, especially head. Tension headaches from frantic overthinking are one obvious sign youre pushing too hard to look for "proof" to support a negatively selected bias. Excessiveworrying, rather than grounding and relaxing and letting the answer come to you intuitively through your whole body. Fear/ego has a pushing, exertive, overbearing energy to it.
Doing this and doing therapy is a lot of hard work and it’s slow but I’m doing the work and I really appreciate this channel. There is so much to learn and I have never tried healing my core wounds or attachment style before and I’m in my late 30’s. They really should teach this stuff in high school or college I agree
Please continue this series of how to become less codependent and what codependency may even look like in a relationship with an anxious attachment? Sometimes we may not even realize it’s codependency and we may think it is us just not being “seen or heard” what’s the fine line of truth between codependency and actually not being seen or heard. Also would love for you to make a series on how to heal two insecure attachments in a relationship!
Ka Ja if your partner is a narcissist there is not any way out but no contact they are extremely damaging. Please be careful don’t delude yourself that it will get better , speaking from experience it usually doesn’t
Be kind to yourself. Detach completely. Stop checking their social media - the last time you did was officially now literally your last time ever. It’s going to hurt a lot but as long as you persevere on working on yourself emotionally, you won’t want to check up on them eventually and you will be able to detach from them. Take your mental health seriously it is the only thing that is important nobody else cares about your mental health as much as you ultimately do. Good luck. Reply to this message if you make any progress or if you’re still stuck and I can help you more.
- Do mindfulness meditation (check out declutter the mind free sessions on YT). - Do self compassion (google Dr. Kristin's excercises for it). - Do loving kindness meditation for yourself. - Practice low intensity yoga e.g. Headspace's restrrative yoga session on YT.
I am learning to meet some of my needs for comfort by some breathing exercises. Particularly when I start getting anxious and stressed. Not quite there yet,but getting better.
I had a moment where I teared up while watching this video.. for most of my life I’ve felt like there’s nothing I can do to fix my attachment issues and my anxiety.. I am at a point in life that I want to help myself overcome those issues. I think listing the steps I need to take to get there is ultimately going to help me rewire my way of thinking.
When I was born to my post World War II parents, they and all 4 grandparents were overjoyed that there was a little girl in tbe family. I had the regular childhood diseases like mumps & measles, but also had minor health issues that required my mother to soothe me often by rocking me , & I must have begun to depend on her and not self - soothe. A commenter was accurate when she described the process of over- soothing a child as being " forced co- dependency." That is true, as I feel I was smothered by all the loving people in my family. I was very shy & was not directly taught how to interact with adults outside the family. although my natural tendency to be friendly allowed me to connect with several neighnor ladies who felt safe to me.i feel that some of my inappropriate & selfish behavior was never called into question by my mother and font remember her helping me learn to correct it. Consequently, in my teen and early adult years, I didn't know who I was and didn't feel the normal desire to separate from my parents or " fledge from the nest" the way most of my friends did. Having no brothers & being too shy to even get deep in conversations with my boy cousins when they visited from out of town, I had no clue how to talk with boys and I barely dated during high school. I mostly had crushes on guys I barely knew, developing serious cases of limerance. I married the first guy who showed me interest. I did date 2 guys once each. Each of them wanted to kiss me without my having the benefit of even getting to know them first or having any deep conversation. I married the next guy who showed interest and investment & still didn't know much about me! He was emotionally unavailable and I'm guessing he was possibly dismissive avoidant. I have 50% secure attachment & 38% anxious preoccupied., with a smattering of fearful avoidant tendency. I was married to him 47 years and he was verbally abusive. I'm sure my co- dependence & dependency didn't help matters.
This is so interesting, I too developed a short sickness early in childhood. I just started learning about attachment styles, I thought maybe it was inconsistent attention with parenting but no the sickness created over attachment. Then with me being sheltered, I day dreamed a lot early on, so you helped break down what that can lead too.
Your videos and content are extremely insightful, easy to understand, and really help bring light to something not studied or educated enough in society. Thanks for being an available resource!!
This is amazing! I've done research, read books and participated in counseling the past few years to figure out why I struggle with relationships after my divorce. I had a light bulb moment listening to a couple of your videos. You explain things in a way that I havent heard before. I appreciate that you share this information for others. It's very helpful! Thank you!!
thank you thaïs for all this awesome content! as a psychology student and mentally ill AA, learning more about attachment styles has really changed my way of seeing things! i can’t afford any extra expenses atm, so very grateful for this readily available info. i am in a non-official relationship with a DA and (on top of the AA-DA classic dynamic) we are also long distance - i would love a video or series on managing attachment styles in LDR relationships, as it can be hard to relate to the usual descriptions of in-person relationships (i am, for example, really struggling with the physical and emotional longing that comes with it; or the impossibility of communicating the way we do face to face). thank you!! hope you are well and safe these days.
After dating a DA and being an AA myself I can tell you that their distancing patterns cause your anxietyto go into overdrive.. I have dated a few men before but I never experienced anxiety like when I dated a DA. They never get clear about the definition or exclusiveness or future of the relationship.. pursuing a relationship like this will make you constantly feel not good enough.. u will find your self constantly proving to your DA why you are worth this relationship.. things may work out if your DA is willing to do this kind of healing work with u but that rarely happens.. breaking up is also much harder on an AA cuz we are in touch with the painful feeling rather and we process it deeply.. I am starting to look at why I attracted a DA in the first place.. why did it not turn me off when I found this person is not emotionally available and how can I heal that wound in myself to stop attracting people who are unable to be emotionally available
i struggled a lot with relationships and these days unfortunatly i figured out that i am an empath and AA at the same time and it is very very hard to coop with .. i don't find any problem to connect with people in a deep level but the problem is that anxious part it is hurting me a lot damn .. thanks God i found you
Thank you for the amazing content! I now understand why I feel this codependency and I know my needs that need to be met, however, I’m struggling to come up with effective strategies to meet them. For example some of my top needs are affection, closeness, intimacy, and love. I’m just confused how I fulfill that by myself when I’ve conditioned myself to believe I can only get that through others.
I was having the same problem. She has a video on the "6 basic human needs" and another called "What Are Your Needs" which I found really helpful. In that first one, she goes through examples of meeting those needs yourself, so for affection, closeness and intimacy, I've found that doing things that make me feel really connected to myself is helping when others might not be available. For me, it's playing the piano, working out but paying particular attention to the mind-muscle connection, or sometimes just journaling in a way that feels like I'm talking to myself or a best friend rather than simply describing what I'm feeling. It feels weird and uncomfortable at first because as codependents, we get so used to just ignoring the need if someone isn't around to fulfil it, but you have to start trusting yourself and literally say out loud to yourself that you're all you've got right now and that's okay. Sometimes you have to look at why you don't like being by yourself so much and it might be because you actually don't like yourself as much as you like others, but reminding yourself that you just have to accept yourself and work to change the things you don't like, and that it will take time to get comfortable with yourself really helps to release some of that unease and also the guilt that often comes with realising that you haven't been showing up for yourself in the way that you should be. Hope this helps! x
@@JamesTyreeII so you would prefer your sense of happiness, security, importance, love, comes from other people? That's a lot of power to give someone. For a person to be able to dictate your whole life and sense of self or being because you simply don't want to is no way to live my friend. What happens if no one wants to do that continously? What do you do then?
My needs are time with my partner, physical touch, affection, goal setting as a couple, dating with my partner, so how am I supposed to self soothe when my partner isn’t there. This all seems to just let the dismissive off the hook
I am so glad you offer this for those who cant afford it. I am trying to do the deep work. And survive living with my narcissistic mom. Because i literally hit so many things my body has quit working.
This is me but with my boyfriend i feel like he doesnt love me or that there might be another girl he is talking to even though he constantly reassures me that he loves me 😭
@@aurinkobay7118 i don't think that's necessarily good advice for everyone. not everyone is built to date multiple people at once, secure or otherwise, that highly depends on the indivdual. i could see how it could be beneficial but also a hot mess emotionally depending on the person
Been up since 5am because I can’t sleep. He didn’t text me goodnight and I can’t seem to get over it. Omg I hate this feeling. Been crying & decided to just curl up with my cat instead. I even want to put my phone off, that way I can convince myself that maybe he tried calling at least.🥺
@@Liveandletlive0101 I'm so sorry I know the feeling. You WILL get through this. The brain is playing tricks on us what the anxious attachment style does. Try not to react
Thank you so much. I have just put a boundary in place as I am anxious attachment style. I have left my DA for a week to process and when you said whether we might worry it’s becoming avoidant - this is healthy and it’s not codependency - it really encouraged me. Thank you for all you are doing. ❤️
please do more on self soothing. You mentioned several areas that I can relate too. I need to be much more self reliant. The information you presented here is so powerful. Thank you so much for these videos.
You are so amazing! I'm really learning more about why I do the things I do! I wish you were located near me so you could be my therapist!!!! I am so appreciative of the work you are doing and how you are putting this content out to really help people! Thank you and God bless you!
Yes please, make a video about how to heal a relationship between two anxious people. I think you already did one about heal a relationship between an anxious and a FA. I've felt completely identified with all you say on your videos about anxious attachment. Wow now I understand my reactions to my ex. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hugs from Peru :)
How do we actually soothe our own needs, though? You gave the example of how with others, we would express to them our need for conversation over acts of service. What if we need to be assured verbally? How do we do that for ourselves?
How do you know though if your needs are based on true 'needs' or on your attachment style? Let's say my need is connection and that I'd like my boyfriend to check in with me more often, is that because that is based on a true need, or just my attachment style (anxious) that wants the quickest route to feel better?
This is definitely related to attachment. AND that’s okay. You can still ask your boyfriend to check in with you more throughout the day and talk to him about how this would help you. It’s important for you though that you frame this to yourself in the right way. It’s important that you remind yourself that him texting you is just one way that you’re getting this need met. There are other people and other ways that you could get this met.
This is very helpful to me, thank you. Until JUST now, I do believe I’ve been so disconnected and/or to even take the moment to recognize what my needs even are let alone how to meet them 😢
James- I know this is coming awhile after your comment was initially posted, but I found that Dr. Joan Rosenberg’s 90 Second Reset Method (aka the Rosenberg Reset) has been extremely helpful for me. She has a TED talk on CZcams that explains it, but it’s centered on the premise that the flood of emotions we feel is triggered by a rush of chemicals in our brains to the rest of our body that causes a physical sensation that goes along with that particular emotion (i.e. an ache in the chest when we’re really sad). Evidently, it takes about 60-90 seconds for the chemicals to rush through our blood stream, be broken down, and then processed out. We have to remind ourselves in that moment that a) We’re likely more afraid to feel the physical sensations associated with that emotion vs. the emotion itself, and b) The emotion and associated physical sensations are temporary and you CAN handle a 90-second “wave” of that emotion. You can move through it MUCH easier. This has been particularly helpful for me when I feel rushes of sadness or anxiety brought on by disappointment and fear. I’ve also learned through cognitive behavioral training methods how to properly identify my emotion, how it was triggered and what core wound it’s coming from, what is real vs. not real, and what I can’t control vs. what I can control. I really have to journal this through to work my way out of unpleasant emotions and their subsequent negative thought patterns, but doing this consistently is helping me retrain my brain and change the way I express challenging feelings. Hope this helps!
I would also add that there are no positive or negative ones. There is just emotions and we need to learn how to sit with them all. The more you fight the anxiety and panic by trying to suppress it, the stronger it gets. Instead we have to welcome the panic and ask with compassionate self-inquiry what it has to teach us. We need to learn how to make friends with the panic and anxiety. This is the essence of mindfulness and self awareness. I love the teachings of Mingyur Rimpoche a Nepalese monk who worked through his childhood trauma and emotional pain. ❤
Thank you for these! I was always confused when I started doing reprogramming work if I should try to just self soothe bc as an AA I would obviously rely on ppl. So you’re take on 50/50 really clears things up to not having to be one way or the other, that it’s ok to still lean on someone. Also yes, I would love a video on how to heal two insecure attachment styles. And I’ve noticed I’ve started to become really good self soothing but I have 2 questions: 1. Sometimes I do just want to feel emotion without having to “soothe” if that makes sense. Like if someone makes you angry to just b angry and let it pass naturally or if you feel sad to allow yourself to feel sad without having to pep talk or think of strategies yet. Would that still be healthy or would that be allowing yourself to feed into possible stories that aren’t true? 2. I have been doing very well mentally on shifting my perspective and inner dialog, but behaviorally it is still lacking to set boundaries, even small ones. Do you have any tips on getting over the hump to start going through with your boundaries rather than thinking about them but not executing?
I self soothe with You Tube videos such as this channel and in my garden. Thank you for all your expertise and time. I appreciate you and your efforts. 🥰
Thank u taish. Please share more about how to heal anxious atachment style. Im 39 and honestly is so dificult to resolve and break emotional codependency. Your help is changing lifes
Have not yet learned to depend on others for soothing. It’s a work in progress. This helps me have a better language to talk about it. So good to know how to ask for needs to be met with clarity and no apology. The energy exchange suggestion is powerful for me. I can offer something in exchange for having my need met. Thank you!
the anxious attachment happens when your parents are there half the time and the other half they arent.. so you become anxious waiting for them and becoming needy every time they arent available. you dont know what to expect.. feareful avoidant is the pattern that happens when the parents are not there at all.
I have BPD, and I am quite sure this attachment style is the one I have. I reminds me so much of how BPD often feels for me. Also, I think I am very good at communicating my needs in a vulnerable and honest way. My partner is Dismissive avoidant, and he too works so much on himself, he also watches these videos with me :) We are both working so hard to change, but sometimes we just spiral out of control. If I feel fragile and he has a day where he cant handle it, he gets very withdrawn and seems like he doesn't care, and I get more and more ramped up and freak out and he gets more and more "I dont care"-ish towards me. It always a disaster. We talk about it afterwards, but what can you do in the heat of the moment ?
In the heat of the moment. Do nothing. If they leave, it shows how much they do not value the relationship. It’s their loss. Don’t chase them. If they allow you to have time to process your emotions and then respond, it’s a healthy relationship. :) Good luck and let me know how it goes.
I totally understand I'm in the same situation. It's so hard for us the anxious attached when we're spiraling or triggered. I'm trying to figure out how to self soothe. I think if it's in the heat of a fight there's not much you can do besides try to ride out your emotions. I think it's unfair to expect your partner to do this with you as they are also trying to process their heightened emotions. It's very painful in the moment but eventually it always passes. That's when you come back together and talk about how to prevent it from happening in the future again. I think she's trying to teach this in this video: how to prevent emotions from escalating by understanding your unmet needs and being able to communicate them to your partner.
Thank you, this is very helpful! But wouldn't a need to connect deeply to others be dependent on the presence of others? How can a need like that be fulfilled only through myself?
Thank you so much for all videos, I discovered them a month ago and I can't stop watching them!! 🤗🤗 can you please make a video on the AA / FA stuck at the commitment stage? We really know each other and are both building and sharing deeply, he invests alot and talk to me on the phone and in person. We are vulnerable with each other (power struggle seems to be over as well and it feels calm and we are trying to understand each other as much as possible) but when after a few months I opened the talk about the relationship, he became hot and cold again like at the beginning, pushing me away while saying he cares about me... idk how to handle that and avoid triggering him - please provide your insight on this situation, thank you!
Ian so happy to have found your channel. I used to think that something was mentally wrong but this information is honing home . Thank you for this information. I can now self reflect and have self awareness.
I just wanna say thank you for your videos they are absolutely amazing, I am an anxious attachment style and I feel I have codependency behaviour. I'm trying really hard to get over my ex fearful avoidant partner who literally have not known for long at all, we fell in love so fast and I felt happy cos they were fulfilling my needs of love from childhood but then I found out they had a bad sexual history and was a kind of lier. We are over but then we keep falling back in love for each other cos they met my needs even though it was so unhealthy. I'm trying so hard to do self love and I know logically I need to love myself but I just cant put it any action. So do you have any tips on how anxious types can break codependency and work on themselves without always having to look for connection. Thanks
For once I feel I finally understand myself and why I expérience such intense feelings of hopelessness daily these days. Thank you so must for this vidéo... I feel I am so messed up b/c i never had to self sooth my whole life... I always found someone to listen and if i didnt feel heard or understood I cried even harder until I couldn't cry anymore and bottle it back up inside in hopes the next day will be better. With COVID... I felt like this for months after almost losing my life to a blood infection recently... And ive yet to really explain to anyone properly how much anxiety and fear i feel from this near death experience and having to learn to be patient with my body as it took weeks and weeks and weeks to heal. So i feel misunderstoo and unable to really communicate to anyone why I feel so incredibly low and anxious... And constantly get the "everyone is going through the same thing" and only then i realized ive wasted both mine and their time and feel even more alone because i cant get across how i truly feel. looking at your need list, I picked 15... And decided to start with one need i feel lacking in all my current relationships. "To be understood". I did the exercise below but honestly i have NO idea whether I am doing this right? Could i get some feedback? I feel i am so unfamiliar with self soothing that i didnt even know where to start with how i can fulfill this need on my own. I feel i dont even know myself anymore.. So i tried again after getting discouraged and thought id use what i needed from someone else to feel understood and then recreate it to how i could do the same thing... Did I do it right or effectively? Any help would be appreciated. I feel if this doesnt work im going lose faith i will ever get to a normal state again. :-( Thank you in advance. 🙏 To Be Understood Others: I have to express my situation, how it makes me feel and my needs clearly, concisely in a focused and structured manner. Be in a quiet and calm environment with little distractions (no tv, phone, people interuptions) Explain 1 thing at a time (finish your thought, don't go off topic or give examples voluntarily) I need to feel heard (eye contact, small verbal or facial reactions, not talking over me) Clarify with the person if they understood (are they nodding, repeating what I said, rephrasing what was said, being sympathetic) I need the person to relate (say they've been through this before, or give an example of a similar situation and how they dealt with it) Me: i need to... Be in a quiet environment, no distractions Define the problem and narrow it down to the major issue. If hard, write down/record the whole story, revisit it and make notes. Define how and why this makes me feel List possible solutions and determine which ones will be most effective Review & adapt when lacking or misinterpreted. Thank myself for sharing, comfort myself that i have clearly understood the issue, maybe try to recall a similar situation i was in the past, and weigh out each solution.
Thais, this was super helpful. Can you do a video on how to AA's can manage conflict resolution? Being conflict avoidant and the feeling of not being safe to assert myself has held me back in a lot of ways in my relationships and even professionally.
Great video...this touched on a lot of important points! My question is: would visiting a psychiatrist be considered as looking to others outside of ourselves to self soothe..as you advised doing it for ourselves. Why and at what point is it ok to see a psychiatrist? My view is that it will help me progress a little faster and they would provide me with tools I can use to reprogram trauma and know exactly what is the cause. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Thank you
Damn, this was solid information. Thank you Thais. Only thing i am struggling to identify (this seems irrational maybe for others, but i really am a little clueless) is what my own needs are. How do you get better at pin pointing what your needs are?
"find out what your needs are". Yeah, that's hard. Not every single person I know triggers the same needs. One person can meet one need while the other doesn't. So, it's an inconsistent thing.
Thank you so much for your content. God bless you! I have tried looking for the needs list on your website, but I csnt find it anywhere within the resource library. Would you be able to post it to your CZcams channel?
Do fearful avoidants struggle to self soothe too? I'm not sure if I'm anxious or FA leaning anxious. Did the quiz and got equal results on both. But I def struggle with self soothing and codependency
How do I avoid always feeling so disappointed with my Dismissive Avoidant partner? I always am so thoughtful of HIS birthdays (etc) but it feels like very little reciprocal effort. I honestly am exhausted and don’t feel like trying anymore. I know things will completely fall apart if I don’t do all the emotional work. I feel like I am putting way too much into this.
This should be required in high school and college !!!
Imagine how different the world would be!
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Hi
Even earlier! I've never used anything I learned from history class, but if I had been taught about attachment styles in my teens, it would have saved so much heartache.
@@adamwood87 that's so true! And who the hell needs trigonometry? Lol
Agreed 🙏🙏
Intro ends at 5:22, action tips at 8:26
Thank you!
Your the best!
goodness, thanks!
Thank you so much, appreciate this
Tips for deciphering between your intuition/gut feeling versus your fear response/stories? Want to build more self-trust but it’s hard when I feel like I’m getting these two confused. - Fearful Avoidant
yes, we need a video for this!
TatiTalks l think she is describing BPD which requires serious therapy
Yesss!!!!
From my experience your fear response is loud and boisterous like BREAK UP WITH HIM, intuition is very light and sure. But I only came to that conclusion when I started going to the root cause of where my anxiety was coming from.
Intuition is a gentle knowing, it doesnt change what its saying. It doesnt shift or be reactive. It also physically feels like a relaxation, an expansion, an insight, or a resonance. An Ah Ha moment. It makes sense even if you cant logically explain why, it feels absolutely right in a light non emotionally charged way. Intuition is also a full bodied relaxation (even if its bad news, it resonates in your whole body as a gentle knowing certainty). Intuition has a pulling energy to it, where youre relaxed or staying put in yourself and the answer is smoothly coming to you both from within yourself and sometimes from outside of you (youre not desperately frantically searching for it).
By contrast fear..or rather ego..is characterized by being highly emotionally charged, with a sense of urgency and the thoughts that come with it change constantly. Theyre reactive and clawing out for something to grasp on to. Fear/ego hijacks our logic by scanning hypervigilantly for proof that what its afraid of is true, but it also cherry picks that logic. Its not a cohesive, complete, unbiased logic. Its negatively selective logic that willfully ignores positive information that's just as logical and likely. Fear/ego has thoughts thay all have an emotional signature behind them that is rooted in intense fear, toxic shame, and false guilt. Intense fear is a trauma response to be soothed, while shame and false guilt are pseudo emotions that were taught to you directly or indirectly to supress your genuine emotions. Fear/ego physically feels like tightening, contracting, tension, wanting to explode, located mainly in the upper body, especially head. Tension headaches from frantic overthinking are one obvious sign youre pushing too hard to look for "proof" to support a negatively selected bias. Excessiveworrying, rather than grounding and relaxing and letting the answer come to you intuitively through your whole body. Fear/ego has a pushing, exertive, overbearing energy to it.
You are amazing. Thank you for helping me heal from 36 years of pain!
So happy for you 🥲 x
🤗💓sending you light and love
Doing this and doing therapy is a lot of hard work and it’s slow but I’m doing the work and I really appreciate this channel. There is so much to learn and I have never tried healing my core wounds or attachment style before and I’m in my late 30’s. They really should teach this stuff in high school or college I agree
Please continue this series of how to become less codependent and what codependency may even look like in a relationship with an anxious attachment? Sometimes we may not even realize it’s codependency and we may think it is us just not being “seen or heard” what’s the fine line of truth between codependency and actually not being seen or heard. Also would love for you to make a series on how to heal two insecure attachments in a relationship!
im in an emotionally abusive relationship im trying to understand and love myself enough to grow out of. thanks for your videos.
Ka Ja if your partner is a narcissist there is not any way out but no contact they are extremely damaging. Please be careful don’t delude yourself that it will get better , speaking from experience it usually doesn’t
Be kind to yourself. Detach completely. Stop checking their social media - the last time you did was officially now literally your last time ever. It’s going to hurt a lot but as long as you persevere on working on yourself emotionally, you won’t want to check up on them eventually and you will be able to detach from them. Take your mental health seriously it is the only thing that is important nobody else cares about your mental health as much as you ultimately do. Good luck. Reply to this message if you make any progress or if you’re still stuck and I can help you more.
This was awesome. More please on how to self soothe. This is where I’m stuck.
Me too
Me too !
Look up somatic experiencing
- Do mindfulness meditation (check out declutter the mind free sessions on YT).
- Do self compassion (google Dr. Kristin's excercises for it).
- Do loving kindness meditation for yourself.
- Practice low intensity yoga e.g. Headspace's restrrative yoga session on YT.
I tell myself what’s for me is for me. I’m beautiful. God wants good things for me. I’m scared right now but this feelings is temporary
@10:27-10:57 best golden nuggets ever! 😊😊❤❤😘😘
I am learning to meet some of my needs for comfort by some breathing exercises. Particularly when I start getting anxious and stressed. Not quite there yet,but getting better.
I had a moment where I teared up while watching this video.. for most of my life I’ve felt like there’s nothing I can do to fix my attachment issues and my anxiety.. I am at a point in life that I want to help myself overcome those issues. I think listing the steps I need to take to get there is ultimately going to help me rewire my way of thinking.
When I was born to my post World War II parents, they and all 4 grandparents were overjoyed that there was a little girl in tbe family. I had the regular childhood diseases like mumps & measles, but also had minor health issues that required my mother to soothe me often by rocking me , & I must have begun to depend on her and not self - soothe. A commenter was accurate when she described the process of over- soothing a child as being " forced co- dependency." That is true, as I feel I was smothered by all the loving people in my family. I was very shy & was not directly taught how to interact with adults outside the family. although my natural tendency to be friendly allowed me to connect with several neighnor ladies who felt safe to me.i feel that some of my inappropriate & selfish behavior was never called into question by my mother and font remember her helping me learn to correct it. Consequently, in my teen and early adult years, I didn't know who I was and didn't feel the normal desire to separate from my parents or
" fledge from the nest" the way most of my friends did. Having no brothers & being too shy to even get deep in conversations with my boy cousins when they visited from out of town, I had no clue how to talk with boys and I barely dated during high school. I mostly had crushes on guys I barely knew, developing serious cases of limerance. I married the first guy who showed me interest. I did date 2 guys once each. Each of them wanted to kiss me without my having the benefit of even getting to know them first or having any deep conversation. I married the next guy who showed interest and investment & still didn't know much about me! He was emotionally unavailable and I'm guessing he was possibly dismissive avoidant. I have 50% secure attachment & 38% anxious preoccupied., with a smattering of fearful avoidant tendency. I was married to him 47 years and he was verbally abusive. I'm sure my co- dependence & dependency didn't help matters.
This is so interesting, I too developed a short sickness early in childhood. I just started learning about attachment styles, I thought maybe it was inconsistent attention with parenting but no the sickness created over attachment. Then with me being sheltered, I day dreamed a lot early on, so you helped break down what that can lead too.
As a AP in a new dating relationship with a DA, your entire series has been insanely helpful and illuminating. Thanks 🙏🏽
Oh me too! My guy is a DA!
Run
I was feeling so lonely but hearing this helped me understand why. Thank you
Your videos and content are extremely insightful, easy to understand, and really help bring light to something not studied or educated enough in society. Thanks for being an available resource!!
So good! The part about explaining how to define what supports our needs and what that looks like for each of us is huge. Very appreciative.
I would loooooove to see a video on how to fix a relationship with two insecurely attached individuals (fearful avoidant and anxious attached)
Me too!
This is amazing! I've done research, read books and participated in counseling the past few years to figure out why I struggle with relationships after my divorce. I had a light bulb moment listening to a couple of your videos. You explain things in a way that I havent heard before. I appreciate that you share this information for others. It's very helpful! Thank you!!
thank you thaïs for all this awesome content! as a psychology student and mentally ill AA, learning more about attachment styles has really changed my way of seeing things! i can’t afford any extra expenses atm, so very grateful for this readily available info.
i am in a non-official relationship with a DA and (on top of the AA-DA classic dynamic) we are also long distance - i would love a video or series on managing attachment styles in LDR relationships, as it can be hard to relate to the usual descriptions of in-person relationships (i am, for example, really struggling with the physical and emotional longing that comes with it; or the impossibility of communicating the way we do face to face).
thank you!! hope you are well and safe these days.
After dating a DA and being an AA myself I can tell you that their distancing patterns cause your anxietyto go into overdrive.. I have dated a few men before but I never experienced anxiety like when I dated a DA. They never get clear about the definition or exclusiveness or future of the relationship.. pursuing a relationship like this will make you constantly feel not good enough.. u will find your self constantly proving to your DA why you are worth this relationship.. things may work out if your DA is willing to do this kind of healing work with u but that rarely happens.. breaking up is also much harder on an AA cuz we are in touch with the painful feeling rather and we process it deeply.. I am starting to look at why I attracted a DA in the first place.. why did it not turn me off when I found this person is not emotionally available and how can I heal that wound in myself to stop attracting people who are unable to be emotionally available
@@neetu7151 a dismissive, aloof, detached father? It's terrible for sons too, but farrrrrr worse for daughter's!😭😭
@@Katrica670 yes . He is just like my dad in lot of ways.
@@neetu7151 ouch that's why! 😭😭 I wish we knew this right away!
You just helped me thru an anxiety attack. This is actually perfect. So true and accurate and helpful. Thank you
i struggled a lot with relationships and these days unfortunatly i figured out that i am an empath and AA at the same time and it is very very hard to coop with .. i don't find any problem to connect with people in a deep level but the problem is that anxious part it is hurting me a lot damn .. thanks God i found you
Thank you for the amazing content! I now understand why I feel this codependency and I know my needs that need to be met, however, I’m struggling to come up with effective strategies to meet them. For example some of my top needs are affection, closeness, intimacy, and love. I’m just confused how I fulfill that by myself when I’ve conditioned myself to believe I can only get that through others.
I was having the same problem. She has a video on the "6 basic human needs" and another called "What Are Your Needs" which I found really helpful. In that first one, she goes through examples of meeting those needs yourself, so for affection, closeness and intimacy, I've found that doing things that make me feel really connected to myself is helping when others might not be available. For me, it's playing the piano, working out but paying particular attention to the mind-muscle connection, or sometimes just journaling in a way that feels like I'm talking to myself or a best friend rather than simply describing what I'm feeling. It feels weird and uncomfortable at first because as codependents, we get so used to just ignoring the need if someone isn't around to fulfil it, but you have to start trusting yourself and literally say out loud to yourself that you're all you've got right now and that's okay. Sometimes you have to look at why you don't like being by yourself so much and it might be because you actually don't like yourself as much as you like others, but reminding yourself that you just have to accept yourself and work to change the things you don't like, and that it will take time to get comfortable with yourself really helps to release some of that unease and also the guilt that often comes with realising that you haven't been showing up for yourself in the way that you should be.
Hope this helps! x
@@JamesTyreeII so you would prefer your sense of happiness, security, importance, love, comes from other people? That's a lot of power to give someone. For a person to be able to dictate your whole life and sense of self or being because you simply don't want to is no way to live my friend. What happens if no one wants to do that continously? What do you do then?
Right?!!!
My needs are time with my partner, physical touch, affection, goal setting as a couple, dating with my partner, so how am I supposed to self soothe when my partner isn’t there. This all seems to just let the dismissive off the hook
@@joei3943 you haven't been with your partner your whole life, have you? So how did you deal with life before? 🤷🏽♀️
Wow, I was just thinking that I was becoming avoidant... What a relief that last comment was about breaking codependency 😅
I was almost ready to keep swiping because I figured you were too pretty. You’ve helped me a lot. Thanks you.
@3:21 and that nobody cares, and nobody is usually there for you, but you are there fir others, which by the way, tends to be true!
This is too good. Thank you Thais Gibson. Am anxious preoccupied and suffer a lot when relationships end.
you are god sent
I am so glad you offer this for those who cant afford it. I am trying to do the deep work. And survive living with my narcissistic mom. Because i literally hit so many things my body has quit working.
It's so painful if a guy I like does not call me or text me regularly i so depressed I start crying and completely loose it
i know.. that's why it is important to date multiple people at the same time and practice put in the effort on the same level as the other party.
This is me but with my boyfriend i feel like he doesnt love me or that there might be another girl he is talking to even though he constantly reassures me that he loves me 😭
@@aurinkobay7118 i don't think that's necessarily good advice for everyone. not everyone is built to date multiple people at once, secure or otherwise, that highly depends on the indivdual. i could see how it could be beneficial but also a hot mess emotionally depending on the person
Been up since 5am because I can’t sleep. He didn’t text me goodnight and I can’t seem to get over it. Omg I hate this feeling. Been crying & decided to just curl up with my cat instead. I even want to put my phone off, that way I can convince myself that maybe he tried calling at least.🥺
@@Liveandletlive0101 I'm so sorry I know the feeling. You WILL get through this. The brain is playing tricks on us what the anxious attachment style does. Try not to react
Thank you so much. I have just put a boundary in place as I am anxious attachment style. I have left my DA for a week to process and when you said whether we might worry it’s becoming avoidant - this is healthy and it’s not codependency - it really encouraged me. Thank you for all you are doing. ❤️
please do more on self soothing. You mentioned several areas that I can relate too. I need to be much more self reliant. The information you presented here is so powerful. Thank you so much for these videos.
You are so amazing! I'm really learning more about why I do the things I do! I wish you were located near me so you could be my therapist!!!! I am so appreciative of the work you are doing and how you are putting this content out to really help people! Thank you and God bless you!
Yes please keep adding to this series. So needful.
This video is helping save my life... I have felt so confused for so long. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Yes please, make a video about how to heal a relationship between two anxious people. I think you already did one about heal a relationship between an anxious and a FA. I've felt completely identified with all you say on your videos about anxious attachment. Wow now I understand my reactions to my ex. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hugs from Peru :)
How do we actually soothe our own needs, though? You gave the example of how with others, we would express to them our need for conversation over acts of service. What if we need to be assured verbally? How do we do that for ourselves?
How do you know though if your needs are based on true 'needs' or on your attachment style? Let's say my need is connection and that I'd like my boyfriend to check in with me more often, is that because that is based on a true need, or just my attachment style (anxious) that wants the quickest route to feel better?
Evvia Marshall interesting thought that needs only have to do with oneself! Will def explore that further! Thanks!
I can relate, Esther, and makes sense, Evvia. I think that can help me some.
This is definitely related to attachment. AND that’s okay. You can still ask your boyfriend to check in with you more throughout the day and talk to him about how this would help you. It’s important for you though that you frame this to yourself in the right way. It’s important that you remind yourself that him texting you is just one way that you’re getting this need met. There are other people and other ways that you could get this met.
I tried to find the needs list that you mention but couldn’t. Please can you post the url? Thank you
This is very helpful to me, thank you. Until JUST now, I do believe I’ve been so disconnected and/or to even take the moment to recognize what my needs even are let alone how to meet them 😢
I wish I had known this about myself before my relationship ended. Better late than never! Dear Thais, Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
I still don't get how to self soothe from this video..
James- I know this is coming awhile after your comment was initially posted, but I found that Dr. Joan Rosenberg’s 90 Second Reset Method (aka the Rosenberg Reset) has been extremely helpful for me. She has a TED talk on CZcams that explains it, but it’s centered on the premise that the flood of emotions we feel is triggered by a rush of chemicals in our brains to the rest of our body that causes a physical sensation that goes along with that particular emotion (i.e. an ache in the chest when we’re really sad). Evidently, it takes about 60-90 seconds for the chemicals to rush through our blood stream, be broken down, and then processed out. We have to remind ourselves in that moment that a) We’re likely more afraid to feel the physical sensations associated with that emotion vs. the emotion itself, and b) The emotion and associated physical sensations are temporary and you CAN handle a 90-second “wave” of that emotion. You can move through it MUCH easier. This has been particularly helpful for me when I feel rushes of sadness or anxiety brought on by disappointment and fear.
I’ve also learned through cognitive behavioral training methods how to properly identify my emotion, how it was triggered and what core wound it’s coming from, what is real vs. not real, and what I can’t control vs. what I can control. I really have to journal this through to work my way out of unpleasant emotions and their subsequent negative thought patterns, but doing this consistently is helping me retrain my brain and change the way I express challenging feelings.
Hope this helps!
@@catebobate1188 helped me! Thank you. Cry it out, don't shout it out to your partner! LOL
I would also add that there are no positive or negative ones. There is just emotions and we need to learn how to sit with them all. The more you fight the anxiety and panic by trying to suppress it, the stronger it gets. Instead we have to welcome the panic and ask with compassionate self-inquiry what it has to teach us. We need to learn how to make friends with the panic and anxiety. This is the essence of mindfulness and self awareness. I love the teachings of Mingyur Rimpoche a Nepalese monk who worked through his childhood trauma and emotional pain. ❤
Thank you for these! I was always confused when I started doing reprogramming work if I should try to just self soothe bc as an AA I would obviously rely on ppl. So you’re take on 50/50 really clears things up to not having to be one way or the other, that it’s ok to still lean on someone. Also yes, I would love a video on how to heal two insecure attachment styles. And I’ve noticed I’ve started to become really good self soothing but I have 2 questions:
1. Sometimes I do just want to feel emotion without having to “soothe” if that makes sense. Like if someone makes you angry to just b angry and let it pass naturally or if you feel sad to allow yourself to feel sad without having to pep talk or think of strategies yet. Would that still be healthy or would that be allowing yourself to feed into possible stories that aren’t true?
2. I have been doing very well mentally on shifting my perspective and inner dialog, but behaviorally it is still lacking to set boundaries, even small ones. Do you have any tips on getting over the hump to start going through with your boundaries rather than thinking about them but not executing?
I self soothe with You Tube videos such as this channel and in my garden. Thank you for all your expertise and time. I appreciate you and your efforts. 🥰
This is really good. I saw this a while back but didn't realize how good it is til i watched it again. :)
Can you talk about Anxious Attachment and Trust?
Thank u taish. Please share more about how to heal anxious atachment style. Im 39 and honestly is so dificult to resolve and break emotional codependency. Your help is changing lifes
Please talk more about this!!
When parents didn't soothe us. How did anxious ppl learn to depend on others for it?
I think its a survival mechanism, we are meant to be connected.
Have not yet learned to depend on others for soothing. It’s a work in progress. This helps me have a better language to talk about it. So good to know how to ask for needs to be met with clarity and no apology. The energy exchange suggestion is powerful for me. I can offer something in exchange for having my need met. Thank you!
the anxious attachment happens when your parents are there half the time and the other half they arent.. so you become anxious waiting for them and becoming needy every time they arent available. you dont know what to expect.. feareful avoidant is the pattern that happens when the parents are not there at all.
I wish I had watched this video earlier. I had an episode today, where my dismissive avoidant partner had to cancel plans, and I spiralled
I have BPD, and I am quite sure this attachment style is the one I have. I reminds me so much of how BPD often feels for me. Also, I think I am very good at communicating my needs in a vulnerable and honest way. My partner is Dismissive avoidant, and he too works so much on himself, he also watches these videos with me :) We are both working so hard to change, but sometimes we just spiral out of control. If I feel fragile and he has a day where he cant handle it, he gets very withdrawn and seems like he doesn't care, and I get more and more ramped up and freak out and he gets more and more "I dont care"-ish towards me. It always a disaster. We talk about it afterwards, but what can you do in the heat of the moment ?
Wow.. I can relate so much to this...
@@Clairsmith123 I am so sorry ❤ its hard right? It helps to know that you are not alone..
@@JamesTyreeII i know. Isnt always that simple when you love someone.
In the heat of the moment. Do nothing. If they leave, it shows how much they do not value the relationship. It’s their loss. Don’t chase them. If they allow you to have time to process your emotions and then respond, it’s a healthy relationship. :) Good luck and let me know how it goes.
I totally understand I'm in the same situation. It's so hard for us the anxious attached when we're spiraling or triggered. I'm trying to figure out how to self soothe. I think if it's in the heat of a fight there's not much you can do besides try to ride out your emotions. I think it's unfair to expect your partner to do this with you as they are also trying to process their heightened emotions. It's very painful in the moment but eventually it always passes. That's when you come back together and talk about how to prevent it from happening in the future again. I think she's trying to teach this in this video: how to prevent emotions from escalating by understanding your unmet needs and being able to communicate them to your partner.
I keep getting in relationships that do not have a lot of physical affection. What is the shadow self of how I do this to myself?
Thank you, this is very helpful! But wouldn't a need to connect deeply to others be dependent on the presence of others? How can a need like that be fulfilled only through myself?
Thank you for making the world a better place on behalf of us all
I am so blessed I found you.. thank you Thais!
Thank you so very much for your generous work, you're changing and saving lives here 🙏🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡
Please talk about how the couples can heal. Thank you
You're so eloquent n compassionate, wow
Very powerful! Thank you! I subscribed and liked!
Your videos are underrated
8:27 get your needs met and self soothe.
Excellent video, but I couldn't find either the needs list or the free literature section on the site. A link would be much appreciated.
This is gold!!! Thank you so much. I wasnt able to find the needs list on the website. Could please provide a link? I think that would be very helpful
I cannot find it either. Have any luck since?
Im going nuts rn
Omg i am the first comment! Hi i love your channel you have taught me so much and helped me understand myself thank you ❤️
I am DA and my partner is anxious (yes it is as much fun as it sounds haha)
Do you discuss these videos your partner?
Thank you so much for all videos, I discovered them a month ago and I can't stop watching them!! 🤗🤗 can you please make a video on the AA / FA stuck at the commitment stage? We really know each other and are both building and sharing deeply, he invests alot and talk to me on the phone and in person. We are vulnerable with each other (power struggle seems to be over as well and it feels calm and we are trying to understand each other as much as possible) but when after a few months I opened the talk about the relationship, he became hot and cold again like at the beginning, pushing me away while saying he cares about me... idk how to handle that and avoid triggering him - please provide your insight on this situation, thank you!
I don't see anything titled, "free literature" on your website. Where is it? Thanks!
love your individual anxious attachment videos 💘💗💖💓 and your beautiful self and desire to do this!!!!!
thank you so much for this! I will really look at my needs to self soothe and I really love how passionate you are!
Ian so happy to have found your channel. I used to think that something was mentally wrong but this information is honing home . Thank you for this information. I can now self reflect and have self awareness.
I just wanna say thank you for your videos they are absolutely amazing, I am an anxious attachment style and I feel I have codependency behaviour. I'm trying really hard to get over my ex fearful avoidant partner who literally have not known for long at all, we fell in love so fast and I felt happy cos they were fulfilling my needs of love from childhood but then I found out they had a bad sexual history and was a kind of lier. We are over but then we keep falling back in love for each other cos they met my needs even though it was so unhealthy. I'm trying so hard to do self love and I know logically I need to love myself but I just cant put it any action. So do you have any tips on how anxious types can break codependency and work on themselves without always having to look for connection. Thanks
After watching this I'm interested in purchasing your course but which will provide the best help for this type of attachment style
can you please do a video with more on how an AP can be clear as possible with their needs with examples?
For once I feel I finally understand myself and why I expérience such intense feelings of hopelessness daily these days. Thank you so must for this vidéo... I feel I am so messed up b/c i never had to self sooth my whole life... I always found someone to listen and if i didnt feel heard or understood I cried even harder until I couldn't cry anymore and bottle it back up inside in hopes the next day will be better. With COVID... I felt like this for months after almost losing my life to a blood infection recently... And ive yet to really explain to anyone properly how much anxiety and fear i feel from this near death experience and having to learn to be patient with my body as it took weeks and weeks and weeks to heal. So i feel misunderstoo and unable to really communicate to anyone why I feel so incredibly low and anxious... And constantly get the "everyone is going through the same thing" and only then i realized ive wasted both mine and their time and feel even more alone because i cant get across how i truly feel. looking at your need list, I picked 15... And decided to start with one need i feel lacking in all my current relationships. "To be understood".
I did the exercise below but honestly i have NO idea whether I am doing this right? Could i get some feedback? I feel i am so unfamiliar with self soothing that i didnt even know where to start with how i can fulfill this need on my own. I feel i dont even know myself anymore.. So i tried again after getting discouraged and thought id use what i needed from someone else to feel understood and then recreate it to how i could do the same thing... Did I do it right or effectively? Any help would be appreciated. I feel if this doesnt work im going lose faith i will ever get to a normal state again. :-( Thank you in advance. 🙏
To Be Understood
Others:
I have to express my situation, how it makes me feel and my needs clearly, concisely in a focused and structured manner.
Be in a quiet and calm environment with little distractions (no tv, phone, people interuptions)
Explain 1 thing at a time (finish your thought, don't go off topic or give examples voluntarily)
I need to feel heard (eye contact, small verbal or facial reactions, not talking over me)
Clarify with the person if they understood (are they nodding, repeating what I said, rephrasing what was said, being sympathetic)
I need the person to relate (say they've been through this before, or give an example of a similar situation and how they dealt with it)
Me: i need to...
Be in a quiet environment, no distractions
Define the problem and narrow it down to the major issue. If hard, write down/record the whole story, revisit it and make notes.
Define how and why this makes me feel
List possible solutions and determine which ones will be most effective
Review & adapt when lacking or misinterpreted.
Thank myself for sharing, comfort myself that i have clearly understood the issue, maybe try to recall a similar situation i was in the past, and weigh out each solution.
This is incredibly helpful. Thank you!!!
Thanks for this video. Very thought provoking.
hallo this is super helpful but couldn't find the needs list online? thank you
I'm not finding the needs checklist on your website though. Could you please send me direct link
What an excellent video must watch
Amazing advice as always!! AP/secure still goes down the rabbit hole but now I'm able to stop myself and ask the question- why? Thank you!
You are so generous! Thank you.
Thais, this was super helpful. Can you do a video on how to AA's can manage conflict resolution? Being conflict avoidant and the feeling of not being safe to assert myself has held me back in a lot of ways in my relationships and even professionally.
Great video...this touched on a lot of important points! My question is: would visiting a psychiatrist be considered as looking to others outside of ourselves to self soothe..as you advised doing it for ourselves. Why and at what point is it ok to see a psychiatrist? My view is that it will help me progress a little faster and they would provide me with tools I can use to reprogram trauma and know exactly what is the cause. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Thank you
suset As I see it, seeing a psychiatrist will help you learn to self soothe on your own
Thank you so much, Thais. I was wondering, where exactly in your site can i find the free needs list? It'll be incredibly helpful to me. Thanks!
I was wondering the same.
This really helped me and my codependency, thank you
This was amazing. Thank you 🙏
Thank you this makes sense
How to self soothe.
What are your needs?
Come up with strategies to meet that need. ( what is the way that need, needs to be met).
Feel the emotions.
Do you believe that a person with an insecure attachment can be better through working on themselves enough to have a healthy relationship?
The method!! Love it,, will do it tomorrow 💚💚💚
Damn, this was solid information. Thank you Thais. Only thing i am struggling to identify (this seems irrational maybe for others, but i really am a little clueless) is what my own needs are. How do you get better at pin pointing what your needs are?
"find out what your needs are". Yeah, that's hard. Not every single person I know triggers the same needs. One person can meet one need while the other doesn't. So, it's an inconsistent thing.
Thank you so much for your content. God bless you! I have tried looking for the needs list on your website, but I csnt find it anywhere within the resource library. Would you be able to post it to your CZcams channel?
Do fearful avoidants struggle to self soothe too? I'm not sure if I'm anxious or FA leaning anxious. Did the quiz and got equal results on both. But I def struggle with self soothing and codependency
cant find any of the free material on the site...
Me neither 😮
Same here
got a couple free e-books but not what was mentioned in this video
I can't find the needs list on your website anywhere :(
How do we access the needs list? Thx
Soooooooo interesting ! Thank you 🙏
Amazing. Thank you
Do you have book recommendations for healing anxious attachment style and being able to self soothe?
How do I avoid always feeling so disappointed with my Dismissive Avoidant partner? I always am so thoughtful of HIS birthdays (etc) but it feels like very little reciprocal effort. I honestly am exhausted and don’t feel like trying anymore. I know things will completely fall apart if I don’t do all the emotional work. I feel like I am putting way too much into this.
anyone has the link to the needs list? cannot find it