Really? I’m anxious and I ask him to leave. It would suck, but if I’m alone I don’t have to have these thoughts. The problem is he stays I don’t know why.
i impulsively broke up with my partner because i’ve recognized the cycle of pain with an avoidant. now i’m going through what’s basically withdrawals and it SUCKS
I never understood why I react so emotionally and the need for instant action. These explanations are really opening my eyes to the damage I do when I am reacting and thinking the worst.
Same! 👀 I’ve been learning all about my attachment style & didn’t even know we all have 1 of the 4 styles and I’m 49! I’d my only the lessons were taught in school 🏫! I think life would be much easier if we were all educated in knowing ourSelves better & have had the t👀ls to have handled life & relationships with much more ease & much less confusion, anxiety, fear & pain! A recent video helped me understand the only person I was harming by not understanding my attachment style was me.
1. Ask your need to be met. 2. Witness whats going on 3. Distract yourself 4. Call a friend 5. Understand your brain 6. Identify where your feelings coming from 7. They turn they lights for you, ask whats going on? 8. What would you do if youre single right now 9. Journal your feeling and thinking 10. Ask for closeness 11. Break up with your partner
Few mins ago, I was feeling so low and helpless about why I'm so emotional, why I create huge fights, I was feeling helpless , I randomly started searching for help on CZcams, yours is 4th or 5th video and I feel a ray of hope, there's something I can do, I am not too much and I can take actions to help myself more importantly I know what actions!! God bless you !! May you get anything and everything you've been wishing badly 🌈
Comment for algo but also I put this in my OneNote journal which helped. 1. Ask for needs to be met. Your partner is not a mind reader. 2. Witness what's going on - slow down, notice and watch the thoughts exploding in my brain. a. Be present with feelings b. Wait for things to feel stable and grounded 3. Distract myself - find out my favourite distractions, get air, exercise, bike maintenance, read, play a game, do maths, watch TV or a Movie, have a solid set of distractions and make myself do them for 15 minutes. 4. Call a friend - be open with a friend. Set up a support before I'm feeling triggered to actively get help calming down. Tell them what's going on and get help 5. Understand what's happening with my brain - the limbic system activates and puts me in a crisis flight or fight situation. Frontal Lobe - practical area of the brain is what I need to use 6. Identify where my upset is coming from. Where exactly is this feeling coming from. Is this because my family didn't understand me - am I reacting towards my partner how I would have been reacting towards my mother? Take stock of the situation and give my partner another opportunity to meet my needs. 7. Ask your partner to 'turn on the lights' - you're confused about how your partner feels. You don't know exactly when you'll see them next, your uncertain. Your feeling anxious. Request they turn on lights - tell them you feel in the dark. Ask them to illuminate the situation 8. Pretend you're single. What would you do if you couldn't go to your partner? Count on yourself, friends or family. Interrupt this default urge. 9. Journal Everything you're feeling. Don't edit yourself. Get everything into your journal. Tear it up and throw it away, just close it. Eventually thoughts will be more organized. 10. Ask for Closeness - you just want to feel close, treasured and prioritized. Try to be sweet and vulnerable, don't worry about talking. 11. Break up with your partner - you can find someone else who can meet your needs better. You deserve to feel good in a relationship. You don't have to stay in and try to fix a relationship which does not meet your needs. *Trigger warning trauma dump* I found out the crushing feeling in my chest is separation anxiety and not the Love I thought it was so am in a very dark place. Understanding what is happening to me and why I'm feeling like this seems to help. It is too late for my >8 year relationship now but I need to learn why everything went wrong and how to fix things in the future.
i know i dont *have* to fix my relationship and the option to break up is always there, but what if i really want to fix it? how do i know if the relationship is worth fixing? we have so much love for eachother and get along so perfectly, but its so hard being anxiously attached with an avoidant sweetheart
Like what you said about breaking up with someone who’s not meeting your needs many times people like ourselves with an attachment style tend to blame ourselves and in reality it’s not always us it might be the other person that was not able to meet our needs
I used to talk to friends, but they told me I'm dumping on them and draining or that I was overwhelming them or that I was cutting into their "Me Time." I wasn't. I have lost friends because I have chronic depression and this nuisance of an attachment style. I was raised not to be a problem to others. I don't want to push people away. So I'm back to bottling up and being merry and cheerful to keep others happy. I do a lot to help others and not need any help myself. I have stopped making new friends and keep everybody at shallow acquaintance level. It works very well.
Can I ask, have you tried journaling? I know it sounds so freaking silly, how can writing help? I am an over thinker and a bit anxious by nature. I have, in the last years, discovered how much writing helps me to dump all the turmoil and process it outside my mind. I feel lighter and clearer after it. It won’t take you out of depression alone and it won’t immediately help you with your friendships, but self-regulation will probably help in making you feel more self assured and also take some of the toll in your friendships. I notice that (years ago) I would vent a lot to my friends and feel better after it, like, “I’m so conscious about my situation, so I am getting there”. And it was actually a loop that trapped me in venting, me feeling more assertive about the situation, but then not doing anything due to how “clear” I felt after talking. Also, my circle has gotten much smaller, but I’ve learnt to choose better close people (it was not easy). I hope it gets better for you
@florenciaatria Thank you very much. Your comment is comforting, somehow. I did start journaling recently. It helps. I still keep away from people, though.
i hate being so attached with people. i’ve always expected that i am their only friend, give me their so much time & attention for me. but, found out that they do the same with other people. i hate this feelingg
I get that.. the hard thing to learn (still trying to learn this myself)is that you can't expect others to act and react the way you would. When you have that expectation people will always let you down.
Never knew this existed, no one ever told me about this. I have been rejected so many times by being clingy, and recently i noticed. I have fear of abandonment from my childhood and how all that triggered to this now.
Even after asking for my needs to be met, they can't always be. It frustrates me. I communicate directly with my partner, but still, I feel too demanding then and I dislike myself, and he isn't always capable of meeting my needs.
We must fill ourSelves up 1st I believe, or was told we should & then wouldn’t need so much reassurance from outside validation. Something I’m working on.
Jezus Christ I've struggled with this all my adult life, screwing up almost every time I met someone I actually liked long before it even reached the relationship stage. I'd never even heard of the concept of anxious attachment style before watching this video so this is quite the shocker! Could you perhaps do a video on how to deal with an anxious attachment style in the dating phase? The combination of an anxious attachment style and ADHD makes impulse control somewhat of a challenge for me with regards to dating, so any advice is very much welcome. In the mean time I'm just gonna be here watching all of your other video's. Thanks for finally providing an answer to the question 'Why do I always do this?' Cheers!
For everyone out there who hasn’t tried it yet: for my overthinking friends, journaling is THE BEST tool ever. You don’t have to know how or what to write; you can do it on your phone if you are in a hurry. It helps so much on avoiding rumination, as you actually process everything and take it out of your system through the output of journaling. You can write and then check if you agree with what you wrote or not (sometimes you just need to get intrusive thoughts out of your system), deepen an idea that you hadn’t considered so important until you wrote it down, etc…100% recommend
Tbh, it's up to folks with anxious attachment to deal with it themselves; you can't fix or change it for them. He has a great 8 tips video for how your partner can handle their attachment style themselves.
I'm here right now. In my case it was the relationship that was not working out. She would invalidate my feelings whenever I wanted to talk (She's avoidant), I felt like I had to beg for affection sometimes, she would criticize me for being "soft" and "sensitive" instead of reassuring me that I'm okay. Her moods would shift and she'd become distant which would cause me to go crazy. She would stonewall me whenever we got into disagreements. Etc. Etc. All of that resentment piled up inside me and I lashed out and ended things just 2 weeks ago. Trust me, you'll know if it's you or the relationship.
I've been working on changing the narrative that my emotional needs are never met in a relationship because this isn't true. I have to rethink it to recognize that it doesn't always appear in the way I expect it to. Plus this core belief is very detrimental along with beliefs that I am not good enough or there's something wrong with me. I'm learning to stop giving so much and doing so much. I'm learning to just chill and I'm getting better at satisfying my own emotional needs now and not depending on my partner to. Everything has to have a balance and I have to be single in a relationship. Meaning I have to have a life of my own and thrive in it without being codependent on my partner to validate and give me my identity. It has helped me self sooth, self regulate and not take things so personally. It also helps me communicate my needs and feelings more effectively and accept my partner for who he is as well. I'm learning not to force anything and just allow things to come and go. I have a long way to go but each day I feel better with myself and I can let go without the fear of losing him. Communication is gold in my relationship just like support and understanding. Thank you Jeff❤
Thank you so much! I could have used this advice 3 years ago. I finally understand why I have anxious attachment and how to ease the anxiety. You have made a difference in my life. You have no idea.
Thank you for making this video, I liked the turn on the light and journal suggestion! Whenever I ask my partner to turn on the light for reassurance, she always gives it and explains what's going on. I do appreciate that she understands my need and doesn't mind being there for me whenever I get anxious
I've started carding yarn when I'm angry and anxious. It let's me work out some of that energy while also distracting myself with the TV or CZcams videos like this.
Be very clear on this: content like this os very INSIGHTFUL, but it is not a substitute for THERAPY. You can gain all the insight in the world, it should never be looked at in place of professional, one on one therapy with a licenced clinician.
@@brenagade absolutely. I feel like everyone benefits from therapy, but if you struggle with any sort of life changes, trauma (childhood or adult), grief, etc…you NEED therapy. It’s not optional. I was a horrible person before I got therapy. I was super toxic and had trouble seeing beyond my own narrow view of how things needed to be. I’m much more in tune in my personal relationships now, and my parenting has gotten so much better, too.
It feels awful. Like I'm about to implode or something. This is one of the reasons I'm staying single. I decided at the beginning of my last relationship that I wasn't going to out myself through it again If the relationship didn't work out.
I really liked how you talked about journaling & tearing out the page. Those self help methods make such a big difference to working though anxious thoughts.
This is an amazing channel! I was going to therapy weekly but we recently started doing every other week now, so these videos have really been helping me whenever I've been feeling anxious about this person I've been dating. I'm trying hard to do things right this time and pump the breaks, taking things slow. They've been kinda busy and in the middle of moving so I'm over here thinking myself into a spiral that they lost interest but in reality I KNOW they're just busy. I digress, I've been trying harder to work on myself more and focus on me, having more time to myself and staying connected to myself. These videos really help by giving me insight and keeping me grounded. Thank you so much!
same exact thing happening with me. i am very attched and into my current relationship, but she is very very busy with school. i went through grad school like her, so i understand, but i have to continue to remind myself how busy she is, and every now and then she reminds me indirectly.
LOVE THIS! Thank you! I also take a cold shower or a hot bath or tapping or briskly rubbing my skin. Something physically stimulating to redirect my thoughts.
Very helpful. It's hard to juggle. I told my partner today I have an anxious attachment style and he was really understanding, trying to figure out how to help me. Loved the advice about asking for closeness!
Jeff, you are an absolute angel on earth! I've only just came across your videos (looking for guidance on dealing with my insecure attachment style) and your kind, sweet, compassionate explanations & suggestions are SO very helpful on my journey. You bring me hope and trust that there ARE things I can do to move into a secure attachment, thank you from the deepest place in me for sharing your work! 🙏🏼 May you be blessed with the best of what life can bring you!
Thank you so much. Rather than sending and bombarding them with my text i started journaling and helps so much. Little by little ❤ i am going to secure.
I really resonated with these coping techniques, specifically finding something to occupy my brain or asking myself what or who i would turn to if i was single. i often have a hard time being vulnerable, as I was taught from a young age that it was seen as weak. I'm used to the people that I love leaving me, and I fear I may be love bombing, but I don't mean to. I just get attached quicker than most. Could you do a video on how to regulate your care for someone? I instill "sappy time" with my partner sometimes which helps both of us feel close but I often feel like it isn't enough for me.
'Lodi, dear, if you're anything like me, you might wish to consider sending some love back into yourself. Not everyone has the same capacity to reciprocate the way they are given love, and that isn't a fault or flaw on anyone's side. Extra love you feel can always turn inwards.
Hi Jeff! My boyfriend broke up with me almost 3 months ago, it has been really hard, I don’t cry so much anymore, but can’t take him out of my head. I have been learning about attachment styles and I found your webpage and I feel so understood. I hope I would have found you before so I could have put in practice your advices and maybe still be with my beloved K.
Thank you so much for all the tools. I am greatful for knowing this at this time, there is always that I wish I've know this 15 years ago. It couldn't save me so much heart ache and loss.
Yes. It should be taught in sk👀l! For us all to help all attachment styles thrive instead of struggle through life because we were not aware of why we are like we are.
Thank you for this video. 😊 I've been struggling with my anxiety in a relationship for many months now and this one and other of your videos I've watched so far was the most helpful. Thank you.
Yeah, tranference is hella powerful, and so helpful to be able to identify. I think you could do a very helpful video on just that. Was surprised you didn't name it. It is useful in any kind of relationship.
I don't know if you'll read... I don't know if it will matter to you!! I just wanted you to know I watch your videos from my sister's phone. You are a help to her but also you are a help to myself as much as hard to admit🎉 kudos to you for being Selfless
My problem is my parents always disregarded my feelings and abandoned me whenever I needed them. Not only that, they compared me with others, especially those who were never better than me and made me feel worthless. As a result, I get jealous and insecure when my partner or even someone I am casually dating shows praise towards women I think are inferior to me. It makes me so sick and angry and out of control. If they talk about someone better than me, I don't care. So, this situation occurs only when I am interested in a person and I end up sabotaging the relationship. I hate myself for being pitted against such people, even though it's not their fault and there is no real competition. It triggers me.. I am insanely attracted to men other women desire and want to win them over so badly.... It sucks... because the moment I win them over, I lose interest in them.
Just let them know that you'd never lie to them, so if you say something, it's because you mean it, regardless of the context and whether reassurance was asked for.
I need a healthy outlet when my last bad anxiety whatever happened, i thought going to the gym in the morning would help but i couldnt leave cuz id stop and then all the thoughts would flood and i didnt endup leaving till she was done hanging out with her friends and at that point i couldnt hide that i just spent the whole day working out to cope and it was embarrassing
Yesterday we were in the supermarket, he was taking some bread for him and struggled to put it in the plastic bag, I helped him but I didn't help him the way he wanted (I don't know how he wanted it) and so he rolled his eyes. I am not his slave so I told him to not roll his eyes at me for something like this. His answer then was to leave the supermarket without me and went home and said he lock the door leaving the key in. We were moving house and I am already in the new one, so he knows I have a place to go, but all this was very very hurtful. I don't need all this extra pain he gives me
Honestly even if i talk about my needs to my partner it feels like he don’t care about me anymore and he says that im talking to much about my feelings, instead of being reassured i just feel less and less safe opening up to him
Just found your channel & am grateful as is short but very thorough, I am looking forward to the Anxious/Avoidant new clip to come...& much more please..Thankyou
What about non intimate relationships/ partners like coworkers? I know they can’t be approached the same way . I think the people pleaser in me gets to amped up if I don’t see everyone getting along or something is wrong.
I miss my ex but I realize that when dating i lost what security I had. I’d love to get back tougher with her but at the very least if I do become more secure it won’t hurt me. Even if I don’t get what I want. Thank you for these videos more would be helpful.
Hi Jeff, I only recently came to find out about my attachment style. I have an anxious attachment style and the person I was dating seems to have an avoidant attachment style. After a couple of weeks of dating, I expressed my affection to him and he shut me down immediately. I blamed myself for being too needy and getting attached really quickly so I kept apologising to him. I always felt that he had built a wall around him and everytime I tried to get close to him he pushed me away. It was too painful one day, I felt rejected, emotionally invalidated, and out of anger, I said to him that I want to walk away. I also let him know that I was feeling distanced and invalidated. To which he replied, he also reserved his feelings because he didn't want to give me the wrong impression. He has ghosted me ever since. Also, when I found out he was already active in multiple dating apps, it really pained me further. Even today I blame myself because I told him I'd walk away. Maybe it was the first time I stood up for myself and my emotional needs but losing him makes my anxiety worse. I miss him a lot and I constantly feel like I should message him and apologise. However, I haven't done so after finding out about him being in dating apps and ghosting me completely. I want to make things work and I want to help him out with his attachment style if I can. I am so confused as to what to do next. I am not being able to move on. I feel so much of love and affection for him. Please advise me as to what I should do next. Thank you.
One guy did this to me after 9 months. I am still not able to move on from him after 1.5 years. If you have anxious attachment style, it's better to stay away from avoidants. They will drain all your energy and make you feel insecure. It's not your job to heal him no matter what you feel about him. He has disregarded your feelings and moved on easily. Avoidants don't care much about others, they just need a temporary fix.
You can't fix anybody, fix yourself and move on. You only have power over your own mind, not others. Just as the name sounds, avoid the avoidant, they have no love to give you.
all of my distractions remind me of them. go for a walk, omg remember when we walked together down this rd and they showed me a beetle in that tree. watch my favourite show, they recommended it to me. scroll on socials, oh this meme makes me think of them I should send it to them, but i already sent them one and they havent replied. baking cakes, i remember when i made this cake for them and they said they liked it maybe i should bake one to give to them. going to work, they work at the same company but a different store, i wonder which tasks they have been doing at work lately and if their store is as busy as ours. AHH. i have somewhat intentionally shaped my entire life around this person and i dont even know how they feel about me. we are best friends but i want to be more than that
I watched the video expressing anxious and avoidant relationship, but yeah. The avoidant make it so hard to be effective by normal means. Even if you want and try to be, they are super stubborn.
I'm anxious attachment and one of my needs is hugs but im in long distance, I always end up sleeping with my anemo slime plushie to try and fulfill that need but its not enough Any tips on how to fullfill that in distance?
1) Ask for your needs to be met 2) Slow down, notice what is going on, dont react immediately 3) Distract yourself, read book, go for a walk, go puzzle on phone, go for a bathe, do it for 15min 4) Call a friend 5) Understand your brain, dont be hijack by it and react rashly. 6) Identify where the feeling is coming from? Was from family relationship and what your partner did was a trigger? 7) Ask your partner to turn on the light. Let them know that you feel like you are in the dark and ask them to illuminate for you. 8) What will you do if you are single? If you cannot get from your partner, who can you go it? 9) Journal your thoughts and feelings 10) Ask for closeness and extra love. 11) Breakup with your partner. If it is not working out, you can end it. You don't have to withstand a relationship that doesn't meet your need.
Thank you for such an amazing guidance. Some of these advices need partner education/cooperation. It doesn’t work always. Example: you are anxious and partner avoidant which it seems like the only solution is to end that relationship. Sad.
Jeff, I would wonder what your advice would be to someone like me who is very much single but still dating. A lot of what you said sounds great, but conditional on having a partner. I think my anxious attachment stems from continuously being ghosted on dating apps honestly.
I'm not Jeff, but I feel like it doesn't have to be a romantic partner. It could be a friend or relative or partner in crime lol, just whoever you feel is your biggest source of emotional support.
8: what would you do in single times? well, tbh, I don't have these catastrophic feelings when I am single. maybe when I was little and was constatntly afraid of abandonment from my parent, but as an adult? I only know this ever so present feeling of nobody is here for me, and I would just eat my feelings. so, probably not a great way to do things. :D
Immediately he said break up with your partner, I started laughing because anxious attachment style people biggest fear is to be alone
Really? I’m anxious and I ask him to leave. It would suck, but if I’m alone I don’t have to have these thoughts. The problem is he stays I don’t know why.
@@helloworld411 being anxious and "anxious attachment style" are not interchangeable terms.
Same i always leave @@helloworld411
i impulsively broke up with my partner because i’ve recognized the cycle of pain with an avoidant. now i’m going through what’s basically withdrawals and it SUCKS
Hope you aredoing ok 👍@@gary8853
I never understood why I react so emotionally and the need for instant action. These explanations are really opening my eyes to the damage I do when I am reacting and thinking the worst.
This is so me
Same! 👀
I’ve been learning all about my attachment style & didn’t even know we all have 1 of the 4 styles and I’m 49!
I’d my only the lessons were taught in school 🏫!
I think life would be much easier if we were all educated in knowing ourSelves better & have had the t👀ls to have handled life & relationships with much more ease & much less confusion, anxiety, fear & pain!
A recent video helped me understand the only person I was harming by not understanding my attachment style was me.
Same!
working on it also, it's hard but I know we can do it!!I'm 36 and Im just learning this now :(
Same
1. Ask your need to be met.
2. Witness whats going on
3. Distract yourself
4. Call a friend
5. Understand your brain
6. Identify where your feelings coming from
7. They turn they lights for you, ask whats going on?
8. What would you do if youre single right now
9. Journal your feeling and thinking
10. Ask for closeness
11. Break up with your partner
Thank you for posting the bullet points🤗
I hope both sides of your pillow are cold tonight
Trusting that my partner cares about me and their pulling away is only temporary. I stay consistent and let them come back
Pro tip: bookmark and watch THIS video if you’re ever feeling anxious too! Just listening to the reminders definitely helps!! Thank you! 🎉
Few mins ago, I was feeling so low and helpless about why I'm so emotional, why I create huge fights, I was feeling helpless , I randomly started searching for help on CZcams, yours is 4th or 5th video and I feel a ray of hope, there's something I can do, I am not too much and I can take actions to help myself more importantly I know what actions!! God bless you !! May you get anything and everything you've been wishing badly 🌈
You are so kind , gentle , informative,and non judgmental when explaining things . I really appreciate it.
Comment for algo but also I put this in my OneNote journal which helped.
1. Ask for needs to be met. Your partner is not a mind reader.
2. Witness what's going on - slow down, notice and watch the thoughts exploding in my brain.
a. Be present with feelings
b. Wait for things to feel stable and grounded
3. Distract myself - find out my favourite distractions, get air, exercise, bike maintenance, read, play a game, do maths, watch TV or a Movie, have a solid set of distractions and make myself do them for 15 minutes.
4. Call a friend - be open with a friend. Set up a support before I'm feeling triggered to actively get help calming down. Tell them what's going on and get help
5. Understand what's happening with my brain - the limbic system activates and puts me in a crisis flight or fight situation. Frontal Lobe - practical area of the brain is what I need to use
6. Identify where my upset is coming from. Where exactly is this feeling coming from. Is this because my family didn't understand me - am I reacting towards my partner how I would have been reacting towards my mother? Take stock of the situation and give my partner another opportunity to meet my needs.
7. Ask your partner to 'turn on the lights' - you're confused about how your partner feels. You don't know exactly when you'll see them next, your uncertain. Your feeling anxious. Request they turn on lights - tell them you feel in the dark. Ask them to illuminate the situation
8. Pretend you're single. What would you do if you couldn't go to your partner? Count on yourself, friends or family. Interrupt this default urge.
9. Journal Everything you're feeling. Don't edit yourself. Get everything into your journal. Tear it up and throw it away, just close it. Eventually thoughts will be more organized.
10. Ask for Closeness - you just want to feel close, treasured and prioritized. Try to be sweet and vulnerable, don't worry about talking.
11. Break up with your partner - you can find someone else who can meet your needs better. You deserve to feel good in a relationship. You don't have to stay in and try to fix a relationship which does not meet your needs.
*Trigger warning trauma dump*
I found out the crushing feeling in my chest is separation anxiety and not the Love I thought it was so am in a very dark place. Understanding what is happening to me and why I'm feeling like this seems to help. It is too late for my >8 year relationship now but I need to learn why everything went wrong and how to fix things in the future.
Thank you this was so helpful
How’s things going now
i know i dont *have* to fix my relationship and the option to break up is always there, but what if i really want to fix it? how do i know if the relationship is worth fixing? we have so much love for eachother and get along so perfectly, but its so hard being anxiously attached with an avoidant sweetheart
Like what you said about breaking up with someone who’s not meeting your needs many times people like ourselves with an attachment style tend to blame ourselves and in reality it’s not always us it might be the other person that was not able to meet our needs
I used to talk to friends, but they told me I'm dumping on them and draining or that I was overwhelming them or that I was cutting into their "Me Time." I wasn't. I have lost friends because I have chronic depression and this nuisance of an attachment style. I was raised not to be a problem to others. I don't want to push people away. So I'm back to bottling up and being merry and cheerful to keep others happy. I do a lot to help others and not need any help myself. I have stopped making new friends and keep everybody at shallow acquaintance level. It works very well.
Can I ask, have you tried journaling? I know it sounds so freaking silly, how can writing help? I am an over thinker and a bit anxious by nature. I have, in the last years, discovered how much writing helps me to dump all the turmoil and process it outside my mind. I feel lighter and clearer after it. It won’t take you out of depression alone and it won’t immediately help you with your friendships, but self-regulation will probably help in making you feel more self assured and also take some of the toll in your friendships. I notice that (years ago) I would vent a lot to my friends and feel better after it, like, “I’m so conscious about my situation, so I am getting there”. And it was actually a loop that trapped me in venting, me feeling more assertive about the situation, but then not doing anything due to how “clear” I felt after talking. Also, my circle has gotten much smaller, but I’ve learnt to choose better close people (it was not easy). I hope it gets better for you
@florenciaatria Thank you very much. Your comment is comforting, somehow. I did start journaling recently. It helps. I still keep away from people, though.
i hate being so attached with people. i’ve always expected that i am their only friend, give me their so much time & attention for me. but, found out that they do the same with other people. i hate this feelingg
I get that.. the hard thing to learn (still trying to learn this myself)is that you can't expect others to act and react the way you would. When you have that expectation people will always let you down.
Never knew this existed, no one ever told me about this. I have been rejected so many times by being clingy, and recently i noticed. I have fear of abandonment from my childhood and how all that triggered to this now.
Yes. Core wounds and attachment style behavior have high correlation
Even after asking for my needs to be met, they can't always be. It frustrates me. I communicate directly with my partner, but still, I feel too demanding then and I dislike myself, and he isn't always capable of meeting my needs.
We must fill ourSelves up 1st I believe, or was told we should & then wouldn’t need so much reassurance from outside validation.
Something I’m working on.
He might be an avoidant...tbh you should just leave...it might hurt in the short run but save ur self from this constant pain
@@saman-hx6okthis.
Jezus Christ I've struggled with this all my adult life, screwing up almost every time I met someone I actually liked long before it even reached the relationship stage. I'd never even heard of the concept of anxious attachment style before watching this video so this is quite the shocker!
Could you perhaps do a video on how to deal with an anxious attachment style in the dating phase? The combination of an anxious attachment style and ADHD makes impulse control somewhat of a challenge for me with regards to dating, so any advice is very much welcome. In the mean time I'm just gonna be here watching all of your other video's. Thanks for finally providing an answer to the question 'Why do I always do this?' Cheers!
For everyone out there who hasn’t tried it yet: for my overthinking friends, journaling is THE BEST tool ever. You don’t have to know how or what to write; you can do it on your phone if you are in a hurry. It helps so much on avoiding rumination, as you actually process everything and take it out of your system through the output of journaling. You can write and then check if you agree with what you wrote or not (sometimes you just need to get intrusive thoughts out of your system), deepen an idea that you hadn’t considered so important until you wrote it down, etc…100% recommend
I really wish I had a therapist as compassionate and understanding as you Jeff!
Could you do this video but how to deal with having a partner who has an anxious attachment style?
Tbh, it's up to folks with anxious attachment to deal with it themselves; you can't fix or change it for them. He has a great 8 tips video for how your partner can handle their attachment style themselves.
Sometimes I can't distinguish between feeling anxious in a relationship and the relationship not functioning. How do I know that?
feel the same way!
Therapy
I'm here right now. In my case it was the relationship that was not working out. She would invalidate my feelings whenever I wanted to talk (She's avoidant), I felt like I had to beg for affection sometimes, she would criticize me for being "soft" and "sensitive" instead of reassuring me that I'm okay. Her moods would shift and she'd become distant which would cause me to go crazy. She would stonewall me whenever we got into disagreements. Etc. Etc. All of that resentment piled up inside me and I lashed out and ended things just 2 weeks ago. Trust me, you'll know if it's you or the relationship.
Avoidants love to take advantage of this and gaslight the hell out of us
I've been working on changing the narrative that my emotional needs are never met in a relationship because this isn't true. I have to rethink it to recognize that it doesn't always appear in the way I expect it to. Plus this core belief is very detrimental along with beliefs that I am not good enough or there's something wrong with me. I'm learning to stop giving so much and doing so much. I'm learning to just chill and I'm getting better at satisfying my own emotional needs now and not depending on my partner to. Everything has to have a balance and I have to be single in a relationship. Meaning I have to have a life of my own and thrive in it without being codependent on my partner to validate and give me my identity. It has helped me self sooth, self regulate and not take things so personally. It also helps me communicate my needs and feelings more effectively and accept my partner for who he is as well. I'm learning not to force anything and just allow things to come and go. I have a long way to go but each day I feel better with myself and I can let go without the fear of losing him. Communication is gold in my relationship just like support and understanding. Thank you Jeff❤
Thank you so much! I could have used this advice 3 years ago. I finally understand why I have anxious attachment and how to ease the anxiety. You have made a difference in my life. You have no idea.
This helps me calm down. Question the story that's playing in your head about the situation. Is there any facts to the story.
Number 6! Thank you for that. The whole video is super helpful but number 6 was an awakening for sure
Thank you for making this video, I liked the turn on the light and journal suggestion! Whenever I ask my partner to turn on the light for reassurance, she always gives it and explains what's going on. I do appreciate that she understands my need and doesn't mind being there for me whenever I get anxious
Thank you so much! Not all therapists have answers for these questions. I appreciate this so much. 💙
Why is this not taught at sk👀l!
Attachment styles..? If it were we would be less confused about who we are & why!
Thank YOU I found your channel!
Not everybody believes these styles are legit.
I've started carding yarn when I'm angry and anxious. It let's me work out some of that energy while also distracting myself with the TV or CZcams videos like this.
YOU ARE SO SO MUCH HELPFUL I AM GLAD I FOUND YOU. THANK YOU FOR THIS FREE THERAPY 😭
Be very clear on this: content like this os very INSIGHTFUL, but it is not a substitute for THERAPY. You can gain all the insight in the world, it should never be looked at in place of professional, one on one therapy with a licenced clinician.
@@brenagade absolutely. I feel like everyone benefits from therapy, but if you struggle with any sort of life changes, trauma (childhood or adult), grief, etc…you NEED therapy. It’s not optional. I was a horrible person before I got therapy. I was super toxic and had trouble seeing beyond my own narrow view of how things needed to be. I’m much more in tune in my personal relationships now, and my parenting has gotten so much better, too.
It feels awful. Like I'm about to implode or something.
This is one of the reasons I'm staying single. I decided at the beginning of my last relationship that I wasn't going to out myself through it again If the relationship didn't work out.
I really liked how you talked about journaling & tearing out the page. Those self help methods make such a big difference to working though anxious thoughts.
This is sooooo good. Today at my big age of 38 the light bulb has turned on. Keep going!
This is an amazing channel! I was going to therapy weekly but we recently started doing every other week now, so these videos have really been helping me whenever I've been feeling anxious about this person I've been dating. I'm trying hard to do things right this time and pump the breaks, taking things slow. They've been kinda busy and in the middle of moving so I'm over here thinking myself into a spiral that they lost interest but in reality I KNOW they're just busy. I digress, I've been trying harder to work on myself more and focus on me, having more time to myself and staying connected to myself. These videos really help by giving me insight and keeping me grounded. Thank you so much!
How's it going now?
same exact thing happening with me. i am very attched and into my current relationship, but she is very very busy with school. i went through grad school like her, so i understand, but i have to continue to remind myself how busy she is, and every now and then she reminds me indirectly.
Thanks, this video is a wonderful resource. Only wish I'd had this knowledge a decade ago - would have saved me so much pain
LOVE THIS! Thank you! I also take a cold shower or a hot bath or tapping or briskly rubbing my skin. Something physically stimulating to redirect my thoughts.
Very helpful. It's hard to juggle. I told my partner today I have an anxious attachment style and he was really understanding, trying to figure out how to help me. Loved the advice about asking for closeness!
Jeff, you are an absolute angel on earth! I've only just came across your videos (looking for guidance on dealing with my insecure attachment style) and your kind, sweet, compassionate explanations & suggestions are SO very helpful on my journey. You bring me hope and trust that there ARE things I can do to move into a secure attachment, thank you from the deepest place in me for sharing your work! 🙏🏼 May you be blessed with the best of what life can bring you!
Thank you so much. Rather than sending and bombarding them with my text i started journaling and helps so much. Little by little ❤ i am going to secure.
Oh my stars this this this - It all tracks but I don't feel empowered. I think I need to rewatch with a pen and paper. THANK YOU JEFF!!
I really resonated with these coping techniques, specifically finding something to occupy my brain or asking myself what or who i would turn to if i was single. i often have a hard time being vulnerable, as I was taught from a young age that it was seen as weak. I'm used to the people that I love leaving me, and I fear I may be love bombing, but I don't mean to. I just get attached quicker than most. Could you do a video on how to regulate your care for someone? I instill "sappy time" with my partner sometimes which helps both of us feel close but I often feel like it isn't enough for me.
You just explain my struggles
'Lodi, dear, if you're anything like me, you might wish to consider sending some love back into yourself. Not everyone has the same capacity to reciprocate the way they are given love, and that isn't a fault or flaw on anyone's side. Extra love you feel can always turn inwards.
@@BurniStrange Give an example of how to turn love inwards?
Super helpful! Feeling a little more soothed as a cutie 💗🤗 Thank you!
Hi Jeff!
My boyfriend broke up with me almost 3 months ago, it has been really hard, I don’t cry so much anymore, but can’t take him out of my head. I have been learning about attachment styles and I found your webpage and I feel so understood. I hope I would have found you before so I could have put in practice your advices and maybe still be with my beloved K.
Thank you so much for all the tools. I am greatful for knowing this at this time, there is always that I wish I've know this 15 years ago. It couldn't save me so much heart ache and loss.
Yes. It should be taught in sk👀l! For us all to help all attachment styles thrive instead of struggle through life because we were not aware of why we are like we are.
Hi from TikTok! Also I had no idea you’re based in Portland, OR, I’m in the area! :) thank you for all of your helpful tips!
So helpful, and well laid out. Thanks Jeff!
Glad it was helpful!
I love this video. As someone who struggles with this, I believe it’s tremendously helpful
Thank you for this video. 😊 I've been struggling with my anxiety in a relationship for many months now and this one and other of your videos I've watched so far was the most helpful. Thank you.
Can we get more content on having these issues and being single and how to deal with them?
Good suggestion! Will do!
OMG! I feel like you were speaking to me with this video. Thank you so much for putting out this content.
Thank you!!! Love love your videos! You give such a practical to the point in a such a simplified way advice. Very grateful for you! 🤗🙏
Yeah, tranference is hella powerful, and so helpful to be able to identify. I think you could do a very helpful video on just that. Was surprised you didn't name it. It is useful in any kind of relationship.
I don't know if you'll read... I don't know if it will matter to you!! I just wanted you to know I watch your videos from my sister's phone. You are a help to her but also you are a help to myself as much as hard to admit🎉 kudos to you for being Selfless
Can you make a video for avoidant people? Thank you, enjoyed this one a lot
My problem is my parents always disregarded my feelings and abandoned me whenever I needed them. Not only that, they compared me with others, especially those who were never better than me and made me feel worthless. As a result, I get jealous and insecure when my partner or even someone I am casually dating shows praise towards women I think are inferior to me. It makes me so sick and angry and out of control. If they talk about someone better than me, I don't care. So, this situation occurs only when I am interested in a person and I end up sabotaging the relationship. I hate myself for being pitted against such people, even though it's not their fault and there is no real competition. It triggers me.. I am insanely attracted to men other women desire and want to win them over so badly.... It sucks... because the moment I win them over, I lose interest in them.
oof, really needed to hear that last one!
what should you say to your anxious attached partner if they feel like asking for reassurance when they’re anxious makes the assurance ingenuine!!
Just let them know that you'd never lie to them, so if you say something, it's because you mean it, regardless of the context and whether reassurance was asked for.
THIS
I need a healthy outlet when my last bad anxiety whatever happened, i thought going to the gym in the morning would help but i couldnt leave cuz id stop and then all the thoughts would flood and i didnt endup leaving till she was done hanging out with her friends and at that point i couldnt hide that i just spent the whole day working out to cope and it was embarrassing
Yesterday we were in the supermarket, he was taking some bread for him and struggled to put it in the plastic bag, I helped him but I didn't help him the way he wanted (I don't know how he wanted it) and so he rolled his eyes. I am not his slave so I told him to not roll his eyes at me for something like this. His answer then was to leave the supermarket without me and went home and said he lock the door leaving the key in. We were moving house and I am already in the new one, so he knows I have a place to go, but all this was very very hurtful. I don't need all this extra pain he gives me
Hi Jeff, love this stuff, could you do something like this but specifically for single folk?
Honestly even if i talk about my needs to my partner it feels like he don’t care about me anymore and he says that im talking to much about my feelings, instead of being reassured i just feel less and less safe opening up to him
Hi Nini, I hope your doing ok today. I too opened to my spouse only to be shutdown. It's tough to go back after that. Take care.
Thank you so much for the video. I also reached out to the counselors in Washington state area.
This is amazing, thanks so much
Just found your channel & am grateful as is short but very thorough, I am looking forward to the Anxious/Avoidant new clip to come...& much more please..Thankyou
Can you do the same series for Avoidant attachment styles?
This is super helpful, thank you.
Welcome!
Your videos are very insightful!!! Can you suggest how to get rid of Claustrophobia?
Thank you so much I really needed this reminder as I’m having an anxious attachment reaction ❤🤗
What about non intimate relationships/ partners like coworkers? I know they can’t be approached the same way . I think the people pleaser in me gets to amped up if I don’t see everyone getting along or something is wrong.
I miss my ex but I realize that when dating i lost what security I had. I’d love to get back tougher with her but at the very least if I do become more secure it won’t hurt me. Even if I don’t get what I want. Thank you for these videos more would be helpful.
Thanks Jeff!!
Hi Jeff,
I only recently came to find out about my attachment style. I have an anxious attachment style and the person I was dating seems to have an avoidant attachment style. After a couple of weeks of dating, I expressed my affection to him and he shut me down immediately. I blamed myself for being too needy and getting attached really quickly so I kept apologising to him. I always felt that he had built a wall around him and everytime I tried to get close to him he pushed me away. It was too painful one day, I felt rejected, emotionally invalidated, and out of anger, I said to him that I want to walk away. I also let him know that I was feeling distanced and invalidated. To which he replied, he also reserved his feelings because he didn't want to give me the wrong impression. He has ghosted me ever since. Also, when I found out he was already active in multiple dating apps, it really pained me further.
Even today I blame myself because I told him I'd walk away. Maybe it was the first time I stood up for myself and my emotional needs but losing him makes my anxiety worse. I miss him a lot and I constantly feel like I should message him and apologise. However, I haven't done so after finding out about him being in dating apps and ghosting me completely.
I want to make things work and I want to help him out with his attachment style if I can. I am so confused as to what to do next. I am not being able to move on. I feel so much of love and affection for him. Please advise me as to what I should do next. Thank you.
One guy did this to me after 9 months. I am still not able to move on from him after 1.5 years. If you have anxious attachment style, it's better to stay away from avoidants. They will drain all your energy and make you feel insecure. It's not your job to heal him no matter what you feel about him. He has disregarded your feelings and moved on easily. Avoidants don't care much about others, they just need a temporary fix.
You can't fix anybody, fix yourself and move on. You only have power over your own mind, not others. Just as the name sounds, avoid the avoidant, they have no love to give you.
Thanks Jeff, this helps alot. ❤
Thanks for this.
My pleasure!
all of my distractions remind me of them. go for a walk, omg remember when we walked together down this rd and they showed me a beetle in that tree. watch my favourite show, they recommended it to me. scroll on socials, oh this meme makes me think of them I should send it to them, but i already sent them one and they havent replied. baking cakes, i remember when i made this cake for them and they said they liked it maybe i should bake one to give to them. going to work, they work at the same company but a different store, i wonder which tasks they have been doing at work lately and if their store is as busy as ours. AHH. i have somewhat intentionally shaped my entire life around this person and i dont even know how they feel about me. we are best friends but i want to be more than that
Thank you, this has helped me understand so much 🙏💕
I love #11.. so easily forget about this
I watched the video expressing anxious and avoidant relationship, but yeah. The avoidant make it so hard to be effective by normal means. Even if you want and try to be, they are super stubborn.
Jeff, you are amazing. Thank you for all you do.
Thank you so much this is Incredibly helpful
I'm anxious attachment and one of my needs is hugs but im in long distance, I always end up sleeping with my anemo slime plushie to try and fulfill that need but its not enough
Any tips on how to fullfill that in distance?
1) Ask for your needs to be met
2) Slow down, notice what is going on, dont react immediately
3) Distract yourself, read book, go for a walk, go puzzle on phone, go for a bathe, do it for 15min
4) Call a friend
5) Understand your brain, dont be hijack by it and react rashly.
6) Identify where the feeling is coming from? Was from family relationship and what your partner did was a trigger?
7) Ask your partner to turn on the light. Let them know that you feel like you are in the dark and ask them to illuminate for you.
8) What will you do if you are single? If you cannot get from your partner, who can you go it?
9) Journal your thoughts and feelings
10) Ask for closeness and extra love.
11) Breakup with your partner. If it is not working out, you can end it. You don't have to withstand a relationship that doesn't meet your need.
I love you for these videos. Wish me luck!
this made me smile and was extremely helpful thank you jeff
Jeff this is gold. Thank you so so much!!!
Call a friend is great if you have them lol
You’re amazing thank you!
thank you
wow you're an angel! Thank you!
These tips are so helpful! Thank you!
Thank you for such an amazing guidance.
Some of these advices need partner education/cooperation. It doesn’t work always. Example: you are anxious and partner avoidant which it seems like the only solution is to end that relationship. Sad.
Hello sir, totally appreciate this. Thank you so much 💜
Thank you Jeff for these clear concise really helpful tips.
Jeff, I would wonder what your advice would be to someone like me who is very much single but still dating. A lot of what you said sounds great, but conditional on having a partner. I think my anxious attachment stems from continuously being ghosted on dating apps honestly.
I'm not Jeff, but I feel like it doesn't have to be a romantic partner. It could be a friend or relative or partner in crime lol, just whoever you feel is your biggest source of emotional support.
I absolutely love everything about this. Thank you for this!
This was great thanks
This was amazing
Very helpful thank you
u rock jeff!!!!!
thanks, that was useful
Awesome thank you so much
8: what would you do in single times? well, tbh, I don't have these catastrophic feelings when I am single. maybe when I was little and was constatntly afraid of abandonment from my parent, but as an adult? I only know this ever so present feeling of nobody is here for me, and I would just eat my feelings. so, probably not a great way to do things. :D