Oh that's a great idea to work on. Yes I agree it's important to understand how attachment styles can change especially when experiencing a toxic relationship
1. Find a partner who' secure Learn to need met and make boundaries 2. Get in touch with shame, you are enough. 3. Express your emotional need 4. Dont play games, be vulnerable and direct 5. Be gentle and less critical 6. Soothe yourself 7. Focus on yourself, do your own thing 8. Go to therapy
I dated 1 secure man in my life and it was literally life changing. 😩 he had to move far away for work so I unfortunately could not keep him forever. ☹️ his presence in my life healed me tremendously but then my next relationship was a hot mess and I feel like I’m back to square one. Thank you so much for this video. ❤
Were you not able to travel and relocate with your former ex? Though, I follow the rule that if something does not work out, then it is not for us. He is not the only person with a secure attachment style, so keep searching and have your 'filters' on, so that you can see any red flags early and know whom to avoid/not to give your energy to
1:20 Find a partner with a secure attachment. 1:48 Work on feeling less shame so you can start feeling more worthy. 2:21 Work on building your self-esteem. 2:55 Express your emotional needs in a clear and direct way. 3:33 Don't play games. Be vulnerable and direct instead. 3:59 Resist being so critical of yourself. 4:27 Learn to do a lot more self-soothing. 4:59 Focus more on yourself. 5:28 Go to therapy.
Would be easier just to get someone who is also anxiously attached so you can both just spend all your time together saying I love you and worshiping each other 🤷🏻♀️
My relationship was healthy and something i never knew id feel good about but the truth was i was so anxious to the point i was physically distressed with no apetite, nausea and insomnia. We had to take a break and work on ourselves in between
I was in a long distance relationship, the guy i was with lives in America and had a pretty busy schedule & the different time zones messed us up a lot! We tried being in a relationship two times but Everytime failed.. I was so anxious about him not giving me enough reassurance or not messaging me on time.. so we split up and remained friends. He is not the one for me unfortunately 💔
cried while watching this, me and her are on break now and i cant help but feel if i wasnt anxious and overthinking like this things wouldve been different. we're both working on ourselves during this break and agree to no doing things with other people in a sense of romantically or anything like that. i just want to be better for her
@@ravienadel4612secure attachment partners won’t trigger you nearly as much, and will quickly work to soothe you if you do get triggered. As opposed to an avoidant attachment person who will despise you for it and distance themselves from you, thus escalating the problem. Or an anxious attachment person who will take it personally and attack you for it, again, escalating the problem. I found your comment rather shaming,which is not helpful.
Dating someone w anxious attachment style, it’s really draining for me. I find myself always having to reassure him, tell him things can be worked on and it will be okay. But he has this voice in his head he won’t budge.
Thank you for this video. I found out I have an anxious attachment style 6 months ago......at age 51!! Thanks to my therapist and a LOT of hard self-work, I'm slllllloooowwwwwllllyyy starting to process this and work through it. I've made a LOT of changes in my personal life over the last two years, but dealing with my anxiety and anxious attachment has been by far the hardest thing I've ever done.
You are not alone in this battle. I'm 46 and just last year discovered this. Better later than never. It's very emotionally exhausting sometime the whole process. I need to talk myself through in order for my subconscious mind to change the way I was programmed for years. Rewarding but I feel like a child who learns on how to walk.
I had an episode last night. I started feeling anxious and didn't feel better until I fell asleep. I am currently seeing a guy who I really like & who is super sweet to me. He has also expressed how much he likes me and how he'd really like to try things out with me. He'd take me out on dates and makes time to see me at least twice a week. He'd also call or text me throughout the day. The issue is, when I don't hear from him within a specific time of the day, I start to get anxious. I try distracting myself with work and other stuff but he'd be in my subconscious and it can be quite overwhelming. Often times he'd explain why he wasn't available and would never go a whole day without communicating with me. When I feel this way at times, i pull back. He once noticed this and told me I was a bit off and he didn't like the fact that I pulled back. Poor lil me give an excuse cause I'm not ready to be express that level of vulnerability just yet. I really like this guy but I'm scared that my anxious attachment style with chase him away. Help!
I am exactly the same way, I have the same attachment style as you but I’m a guy. And my girl has the opposite, she’s avoidant and we deal with similar situations as yours, Ive been extremely transparent, I’m a very sensitive guy and I do get anxious when I feel like she’s very distant haha. I’ve been so afraid to show so much of my vulnerable side, but our relationship seems to get stronger every time I show her exactly how I feel. I started therapy and it’s helping so so much, so I highly recommend it:)
@@luisgutierrez5724 wow! It’s so interesting to hear it from the perspective of a guy. Thanks for sharing. I am newly dating an amazing guy too & it stirs up so much. I will take the quiz with him to start the conversation about my attachment style. I think it’s a great way to begin communicating about how I feel
I was like this and my guy is like the guy you are seeing. So what I did is I explained him how I feel and I started concentrating solely on myself. I kept telling myself that its me that is important. When I mind my own business my relationship is good. I had my own goals not "our goals" , I don't plan dates I dont expect him to plan dates but he does anyways, if he doesn't he is free to go that is the mindset I built. I kept telling myself I don't want to interfere in his life. I made a list of the things i want from the relationship, and constant attention wasn't one of them because I definitely want to work on myself only. You should stop having expectations from him and concentrate only on yourself only then will the relationship work.
I had an amazing relationship (both anxious) but we both realized it wasnt working anymore and followed diferent paths, i felt really healed after, but them i got with someone who is definitly avoidant and it activated my anxious attachment... But i finally got in touch with the content about attachment styles so i think that was positive, i finally understood that i was primarely avoidant, but my first relationship really drove me into anxious because she broke up ghosting me...
Appreciate the video. but I have a problem with number 1. Find a secure partner. I think it's very unlikely for a traumatized person to find a healthy person. Not saying it's impossible, but it's very unlikely that a person who has healthy boundaries is willing to be in a relationship with a person who has attachment issues. Healthy people just don't want to fix people or deal with these problems. The good news is, you and your partner can both work on securing your attachment. I honestly wouldn't be in a relationship with my partner if I were securely attached from the beginning. Everything else is on point here, good points. Instead of fixing your partner, help yourself, and your partner gradually follow, naturally.
My problem is that I am still obsessing about a 20-year relationship that ended years ago, but I find hard to cope with, even though I ended it. The trouble is that I’ve always got over relationships by moving onto a new one, but this time that’s not an option as I’m too old, have health problems, and never meet anyone I like who’s available anyway. So I’m stuck with my memories and grief at the way my friendship with my ex has been cut off, because he is cold towards me now, and has another partner. I thought we’d always at least be good friends, and I miss that. My current therapist doesn’t seem to get it, and I feel judged when I try to talk about it, though she denies that. 20 years is a long time to have someone in your life, and there were lots of good times as well as bad. I know I need to make more friends, but it’s hard as my health isn’t great (I have CFS) and my hearing is somewhat impaired. I do get quite depressed about my situation at times. I wish I could like myself more and have happy relationships.
Your health problem dont prevent you making friends you can find friends who have smililar issues even a partner who will understand you.Our health issues dont define us
Thank you! This was incredibly useful. The point about expressing my needs resonated a lot with me and it's something I'm actively working on in therapy. Tbh I teared up a bit. And finding a secure partner, omg, my last relationship my partner was avoidant and I slipped back into a lot of anxious behaviors I had previously managed to get under control. I felt like something was really wrong with me but thanks to your video now I can see it was just a terrible match.
This was my favorite video on the topic so far. You managed to make me smile about what you said and what I realized. It gives me the feeling of "it'll be okay". Thank you! You did a great job with these tips
What to do if you finally met someone after years of searching? but then you start to feel anxious if they dont text/ call call etc. my mind starts to go "do they really like me?" i feel like im just in the beginning stages of a relationship and im just not sure how to proceed.
I love this video. I always come back to it to balance my anxiety once I feel I’m too anxious within such relationship. I love this video thank you so so much
Thanks for the video. Your point about not playing games and to allow yourself to be vulnerable resonates with me. Finding the sweet spot between ”reaching out for other people to sooth you” and simply resisting the feeling is important in my opinion. I think we can allow ourselves to be honest with our partners and saying, I feel a little bit insecure right now, I know it’s not on you to sooth me but a little reassurance can go a long way at this point, or something like that. If your partner is willing to make it work, I can’t see how that would ruin it if it happens from time to time, what do you think?
Thank you for this! Especially reminder about matching with a partner that's secure. Btw I have an anxious dog with a couple of behavior problems and I need so much support there but I think I'm ashamed to ask for it, accept it. It's too hard and now I'm working with a dog behaviorist and a psychotherapist, so helpful... But both are online! I need more people in rl that will support me in helping my favorite pup of all times. Any suggestions how to feel more worthy of being helped here? A lot of my family disregards my issues.
I am very much an anxious attachment 😂 I never knew for sure but I do after watching some of your other videos! It brought so much self hate and hurt, thank you for this video ❤
I have been on a healing journey for 3 years. I have worked on my abandonment issues and childhood wounds and made great progress. I know my self worth and don’t settle for just anyone to have a partner. So after doing all this I met someone and enjoyed their company. As the relationship progressed they made me feel safe to ask for some of my bare minimum needs to be met. Which is SUPER HARD for me. I have been fiercely independent for most of my life. But when I did ask for those bare minimum needs to be met, I was met with resistance and complaints about how what I need is just too hard for them to meet. Which in turn makes me feel bad and I want to shut back down. 😞
Thank YOU so MUCH! This helped me understand mySelf so much more! I love therapists, psychologists, counsellors etc You help us understand all our feelings emotions & needs etc helping me for sure ENORMOUSLY! 😍
My husband has always seemed like he has a secure attachment style, his family impressed me, but after being married 31 years he has never made me feel emotionally secure. I don't know why I'm still staying with him since he makes me feel unloved. When I think of divorcing him I think that life will be more peaceful. I don't know if that will be possible for me with an insecure attachment going back to being in the womb. We have been in marriage counseling 4 different times over the 31 years. We even had premarital counseling with 3 different pastors, guess that was a waste of time.
This video is really amazing! I figured out with the help of my therapist and the internet that i have an anxious attachment style and now i feel a lot more calm just to know this because at least i have the clarity about all my reactions and feelings.Now i am just hopeful to work on the ways to cope with this to feel better.Guys,i can't stress this enough,therapy is the key.For the last past year i've been going consistently and i'm discovering myself like i could never before.Try it and take your time with it,it will work miracles if you search for ways to make you grow and heal. And don't forget,you're amazing!
Thanks for the video! I went to therapy right after a break-up and very soon discovered attachment theory on my own, but my therapist seems to be unaware of what attachment theory is. When I tried to explain that I read books on that, she looked kinda confused and didn't know what I was talking about. Although attachment theory and my Anxious/Fearful Avoidant attachment is something I really would love to work on. Does it mean I should try searching for another therapist who works with attachment styles?
I’d first be really direct with the therapist about how you’d like to talk about attachment styles. Then maybe find another if it still feels like a bad fit.
It’s crazy. The game play is so hard to stop. Example is yesterday my partner was with a bunch of new friends, lots of which were girls. I got anxious and insecure about myself, hoping to get reassurance. But instead of being direct, I kept asking if they were hot and joking about him flirting with them. All while hoping he’d give me validation instead of actually answering my questions. Thank you for the video, it is helping me see my mistakes and how to change them.
tbh i just straight up say if ur not only attracted to me i dont want to be in it because i know from my end im extremely loyal so i would like the same i need a soldier not someone with a weak dick, someone respectful is key
@@auralionasol2205 yeah, he’s beyond loyal, it’s my own anxiety that worries he won’t be. He’s proven time and time again he only loves me, my anxiety just makes me doubt the obvious truth 🤦🏻♀️
Going through a break up, the red flags i avoided many years ago always left me with anxiety being in a relationship off and on with this woman. We both were full of traumas and i am learning to overcome and heal my soul and she just isnt that type of person. Its been very hard but constant anxiety and many attachment/insecure issues in this relationship. Very very hard to leave her, she was my best friend. But the relationship literally makes me sick from fear anxiety and shame. This video just took my anxiety away especially at the end where you talk about dating yourself, and how you know how to recognize a relationship that triggers your anxiety (Which i believe would be from experience and our subconcious saying NONONO) and back away from it. The sad thing is after i heal, and remove my anxiety. and feel better mentally and physically that person being around is so beautiful because i dont have the trust or insecure issues or anxiety and im SO in love with them and its paradise, but i lose myself slowly and surely and it all creeps back. ESPECIALLY when they do the same traumatizing things as the past. (or maybe it only returns because of this?) Anyway had to vent day 2 of being free and fighting for my self. Hope this video helps someone the way it did tonight for me!!
Mate, thanks a lot for this video. I kind of had the inking I have this attachment style and how I’m a nervous wreck when I really like a girl. Being self aware of this is a good first step for me to start becoming more secure. Kudos to you!
I kept seeing this video thumbnail and I wanted to watch but I don’t trust everyone’s random internet advice so I kept scrolling past. When I finally clicked I was SO shocked and happy to see you, my jaw dropped 😅. Love your short-form content and I’m so glad to have come across your channel here ❤❤
This is all so valuable, thank you. Do you have any tips for what to do when one partner is highly agreeable, and the other highly disagreeable? My partner has a heart of gold, but his disagreeableness clashes pretty hard with my agreeable and more conflict-avoidant and outwardly emotional nature. I don’t want either of us to try to change our personalities, so what are some ways we can keep a healthy relationship? It’s been a struggle.
Not op, but what helped me immensely is finding out what the personality means. Find the benefits of disagreeableness, look at the personality in depth. Jordan Peterson personality lectures helped a lot!
NOBODY 'randomly ends up with someone'. EVERYONE has an option NOT to choose!! It's NOT who we don't choose, it's WHO we choose. Hopes that makes sense.
I recently dated a super duper ADHD enhanced anxious attachment person and myself, as an anxious myself, got attracted at first because we relate to each other but down the line he suffocated me, love bombed me and destroyed even more my needs and boundaries! After several months of stalking me and giving me panic attacks, I had to search a therapist to help me out. I'm feeling much better now and slowly wanting to date again, seeking myself a truly secure attached one
It's really depressing that there is no one right person, and you just sort of randomly end up with someone and keep being nice to each other. That makes me so sad. It breaks my heart. It makes me not want to do a real relationship because it's so depressing and scary to be with a normal, fallible person. That is so, so upsetting.
1) Find a partner who is secure. They will role model for you how to get your needs met. 2) Get in touch with the shame. We want to get our needs met, but we feel like we dont deserve to have our needs met. Start to feel more worthy. 3) Build on self esteem. 4) Express your emotional needs. It is not selfish! 5) Don't play games. Dont be passive aggressive. 6) Resist being critical on yourself. Take note of that critical voice of yourself, what are they going to say, when are they going to say. 7) Self soothing. Find ways to bring yourself calm. 8) Focus more on yourself. Take yourself out on dates. Build a good relationship with yourself. 9) Go to therapy
i have anxious attachment style and i have been in a long distance relationship for 5 years already (never met him yet) he lives 12000 km away. i feel like he is an avoidant type really developed it slowly . nowadays he works a lot maybe sometime overtime 12 hours and we dont talk everyday i love him but its hard to follow this routine for me especially with a time difference of 9-10 hours... he is very caring but at the moment has lots of financial difficulties so needs to prioritize other stop at the moment.
Please be careful with this relationship. Long distance ones where you never see the person can be fake. At a minimum face time with this person. I had a friend who was fooled by many men this way. Always excuses. I hope the best for you.
@@alward599 thank you for caring.. i applied for the visa to go see him where he studies and my visa got rejected i hope nothing will bother us soon so we can meet and marry soon
FOCUS ON YOURSELF... That's a BIG issue. The mind is always chasing out, on survival mode in hyper vigilance mode. I'm tired it sucks all my energy. How to overcome?
lovely video. straight to the point and not a lot of i was like this, this is my long history, this and that and bla, just tells us what to do. thank you very much 😊 im gonna watch the video on self soothing next
I came out of an on/off again narcisstic relationship where i allowed my Ex to basically take everything from me. My self esteem, my positivity, made me question myself (if i was crazy) based on his actions. I didnt any longer believe in my intuition. I have moved on and in what i believe is a healthy relationship now after a year and a half of shadow work and healing. The hard part for me is this man is my NEIGHBOR i see him every day and he still tries to gaslight me. I cant move but any suggestions on how i can get past this would be great.
I want to keep my heart open. But at this point just being alone is the safest thing for me. My nervous system can't handle it so I'll just sit and be.
Yeah i understund the direction but I also feel that if I stop being so controlling and concentrate more on myself the relationship will fall apart. And deep inside I know it's not the case. Just my anxiety voice from inside tells me that i HOLD this relationship and if I stop, the parthner will loose interest (again my parthner is very secure and i think our relationship is very strong, but it's the tgout that comes only when I have anixiety; And I actually have it when my parthner is busy or in a bad mood, so a little bit distant). Anyway, sometimes I just imagine my life without those controlling thougts like a feefall and wonder if I ever could experience this.
This was truly a lovely video. Would love to have you as my therapist. Also, how do you know if the partner you’re with has a secure attachment or not? Sorry if that’s a dumb question
Good question! It's actually not really something you'll know until you date them for about 6 months. Check out the first video in this anxious attachment series where I talk a bit about all the different attachment styles.
This was not a childhood developed attachment style for me, people don’t talk about how an adult relationship can create this
This. 100%.
Same
How does this happen
It's the only option we have
Oh that's a great idea to work on. Yes I agree it's important to understand how attachment styles can change especially when experiencing a toxic relationship
1. Find a partner who' secure
Learn to need met and make boundaries
2. Get in touch with shame, you are enough.
3. Express your emotional need
4. Dont play games, be vulnerable and direct
5. Be gentle and less critical
6. Soothe yourself
7. Focus on yourself, do your own thing
8. Go to therapy
Go to therapist should be n. 1 ☺
In my country interpersonal therapies are not popular
Md
@@Kiky812 exactly hahaha
2.5. Work on your self-esteem :)
I love that you start off by saying: there is nothing wrong with you and it’s not your fault. Thank you. 🥰
Finally, someone who is not making me feel bad about my axious attachment...thank you!!
I dated 1 secure man in my life and it was literally life changing. 😩 he had to move far away for work so I unfortunately could not keep him forever. ☹️ his presence in my life healed me tremendously but then my next relationship was a hot mess and I feel like I’m back to square one. Thank you so much for this video. ❤
Were you not able to travel and relocate with your former ex?
Though, I follow the rule that if something does not work out, then it is not for us. He is not the only person with a secure attachment style, so keep searching and have your 'filters' on, so that you can see any red flags early and know whom to avoid/not to give your energy to
Me too
Obsessively watching videos on anxious attachment certainly helps...
To make me more anxious.
😂😂😂😂😂 same
Right!!!!!😂😂😂
1:20 Find a partner with a secure attachment.
1:48 Work on feeling less shame so you can start feeling more worthy.
2:21 Work on building your self-esteem.
2:55 Express your emotional needs in a clear and direct way.
3:33 Don't play games. Be vulnerable and direct instead.
3:59 Resist being so critical of yourself.
4:27 Learn to do a lot more self-soothing.
4:59 Focus more on yourself.
5:28 Go to therapy.
thank you
Would be easier just to get someone who is also anxiously attached so you can both just spend all your time together saying I love you and worshiping each other 🤷🏻♀️
LOL!!!
Lmao this is exactly how I feel right now
Not all it’s cracked up to be once you realize that you’re codependent and lose your sense of self!
Hahahaha
Lol 😂
My relationship was healthy and something i never knew id feel good about but the truth was i was so anxious to the point i was physically distressed with no apetite, nausea and insomnia. We had to take a break and work on ourselves in between
How is your relationship going?
I broke it up in reality bc of my anxiety
Going through this very thing right now.
Me too
I was in a long distance relationship, the guy i was with lives in America and had a pretty busy schedule & the different time zones messed us up a lot! We tried being in a relationship two times but Everytime failed.. I was so anxious about him not giving me enough reassurance or not messaging me on time.. so we split up and remained friends. He is not the one for me unfortunately 💔
cried while watching this, me and her are on break now and i cant help but feel if i wasnt anxious and overthinking like this things wouldve been different. we're both working on ourselves during this break and agree to no doing things with other people in a sense of romantically or anything like that. i just want to be better for her
Thank you. That last statement...if they're triggering my attachment style then they aren't a good match for me. I needed to hear that. ❤
Actually no one triggering you except yourself if you're dating with someone has secure attachment style.
@@ravienadel4612secure attachment partners won’t trigger you nearly as much, and will quickly work to soothe you if you do get triggered. As opposed to an avoidant attachment person who will despise you for it and distance themselves from you, thus escalating the problem. Or an anxious attachment person who will take it personally and attack you for it, again, escalating the problem.
I found your comment rather shaming,which is not helpful.
I needed to hear that too 🙏
Dating someone w anxious attachment style, it’s really draining for me. I find myself always having to reassure him, tell him things can be worked on and it will be okay. But he has this voice in his head he won’t budge.
Thank you for this video. I found out I have an anxious attachment style 6 months ago......at age 51!! Thanks to my therapist and a LOT of hard self-work, I'm slllllloooowwwwwllllyyy starting to process this and work through it. I've made a LOT of changes in my personal life over the last two years, but dealing with my anxiety and anxious attachment has been by far the hardest thing I've ever done.
You are not alone in this battle. I'm 46 and just last year discovered this. Better later than never. It's very emotionally exhausting sometime the whole process. I need to talk myself through in order for my subconscious mind to change the way I was programmed for years. Rewarding but I feel like a child who learns on how to walk.
I had an episode last night. I started feeling anxious and didn't feel better until I fell asleep.
I am currently seeing a guy who I really like & who is super sweet to me. He has also expressed how much he likes me and how he'd really like to try things out with me. He'd take me out on dates and makes time to see me at least twice a week. He'd also call or text me throughout the day.
The issue is, when I don't hear from him within a specific time of the day, I start to get anxious. I try distracting myself with work and other stuff but he'd be in my subconscious and it can be quite overwhelming. Often times he'd explain why he wasn't available and would never go a whole day without communicating with me.
When I feel this way at times, i pull back. He once noticed this and told me I was a bit off and he didn't like the fact that I pulled back. Poor lil me give an excuse cause I'm not ready to be express that level of vulnerability just yet.
I really like this guy but I'm scared that my anxious attachment style with chase him away. Help!
I am exactly the same way, I have the same attachment style as you but I’m a guy. And my girl has the opposite, she’s avoidant and we deal with similar situations as yours, Ive been extremely transparent, I’m a very sensitive guy and I do get anxious when I feel like she’s very distant haha. I’ve been so afraid to show so much of my vulnerable side, but our relationship seems to get stronger every time I show her exactly how I feel. I started therapy and it’s helping so so much, so I highly recommend it:)
@@luisgutierrez5724 wow! It’s so interesting to hear it from the perspective of a guy. Thanks for sharing. I am newly dating an amazing guy too & it stirs up so much. I will take the quiz with him to start the conversation about my attachment style. I think it’s a great way to begin communicating about how I feel
I was like this and my guy is like the guy you are seeing. So what I did is I explained him how I feel and I started concentrating solely on myself. I kept telling myself that its me that is important. When I mind my own business my relationship is good. I had my own goals not "our goals" , I don't plan dates I dont expect him to plan dates but he does anyways, if he doesn't he is free to go that is the mindset I built. I kept telling myself I don't want to interfere in his life. I made a list of the things i want from the relationship, and constant attention wasn't one of them because I definitely want to work on myself only. You should stop having expectations from him and concentrate only on yourself only then will the relationship work.
@@sneha-qn4jnI needed this, thank you
Can you pretty please do a series like this for us lucky anxious/avoidant peeps.
I was dozing off but heard " stop critizing yourself" lol so started listening again
I had an amazing relationship (both anxious) but we both realized it wasnt working anymore and followed diferent paths, i felt really healed after, but them i got with someone who is definitly avoidant and it activated my anxious attachment... But i finally got in touch with the content about attachment styles so i think that was positive, i finally understood that i was primarely avoidant, but my first relationship really drove me into anxious because she broke up ghosting me...
you think we're cuties??!!! 😂
We are cuties bro
Appreciate the video. but I have a problem with number 1. Find a secure partner. I think it's very unlikely for a traumatized person to find a healthy person. Not saying it's impossible, but it's very unlikely that a person who has healthy boundaries is willing to be in a relationship with a person who has attachment issues. Healthy people just don't want to fix people or deal with these problems. The good news is, you and your partner can both work on securing your attachment. I honestly wouldn't be in a relationship with my partner if I were securely attached from the beginning. Everything else is on point here, good points. Instead of fixing your partner, help yourself, and your partner gradually follow, naturally.
Yea It's really funny to me because people with anxious attachment style look for ppl to fix them or make them feel secure, which is super healthy...
An anxious type will always kind of attract an dismissive avoidant type. A secure type attracts a secure style
Personally, I really appreciate and will practice 7, 8 , 9 , starting at 4:26. Thank you. I'll be coming back for these specific parts.
My problem is that I am still obsessing about a 20-year relationship that ended years ago, but I find hard to cope with, even though I ended it. The trouble is that I’ve always got over relationships by moving onto a new one, but this time that’s not an option as I’m too old, have health problems, and never meet anyone I like who’s available anyway.
So I’m stuck with my memories and grief at the way my friendship with my ex has been cut off, because he is cold towards me now, and has another partner.
I thought we’d always at least be good friends, and I miss that.
My current therapist doesn’t seem to get it, and I feel judged when I try to talk about it, though she denies that.
20 years is a long time to have someone in your life, and there were lots of good times as well as bad.
I know I need to make more friends, but it’s hard as my health isn’t great (I have CFS) and my hearing is somewhat impaired.
I do get quite depressed about my situation at times. I wish I could like myself more and have happy relationships.
Your health problem dont prevent you making friends you can find friends who have smililar issues even a partner who will understand you.Our health issues dont define us
Thank you! This was incredibly useful. The point about expressing my needs resonated a lot with me and it's something I'm actively working on in therapy. Tbh I teared up a bit. And finding a secure partner, omg, my last relationship my partner was avoidant and I slipped back into a lot of anxious behaviors I had previously managed to get under control. I felt like something was really wrong with me but thanks to your video now I can see it was just a terrible match.
This was my favorite video on the topic so far. You managed to make me smile about what you said and what I realized. It gives me the feeling of "it'll be okay". Thank you! You did a great job with these tips
What to do if you finally met someone after years of searching? but then you start to feel anxious if they dont text/ call call etc. my mind starts to go "do they really like me?" i feel like im just in the beginning stages of a relationship and im just not sure how to proceed.
Communication with your partner.
how did it go?
Did it worked out eventually?
From experience I’d say he isn’t right for you. The right person will make you feel good and not leave you hanging.
Listen to Sabrina Zohar for texting in relationships
Your words feel like a hug
I love this video. I always come back to it to balance my anxiety once I feel I’m too anxious within such relationship. I love this video thank you so so much
Thanks for the video. Your point about not playing games and to allow yourself to be vulnerable resonates with me. Finding the sweet spot between ”reaching out for other people to sooth you” and simply resisting the feeling is important in my opinion.
I think we can allow ourselves to be honest with our partners and saying, I feel a little bit insecure right now, I know it’s not on you to sooth me but a little reassurance can go a long way at this point, or something like that.
If your partner is willing to make it work, I can’t see how that would ruin it if it happens from time to time, what do you think?
When you said to stop being so critical of yourself, a lightbulb went off in my head…
Thank you for this! Especially reminder about matching with a partner that's secure. Btw I have an anxious dog with a couple of behavior problems and I need so much support there but I think I'm ashamed to ask for it, accept it. It's too hard and now I'm working with a dog behaviorist and a psychotherapist, so helpful... But both are online! I need more people in rl that will support me in helping my favorite pup of all times. Any suggestions how to feel more worthy of being helped here? A lot of my family disregards my issues.
I am very much an anxious attachment 😂 I never knew for sure but I do after watching some of your other videos! It brought so much self hate and hurt, thank you for this video ❤
I have been on a healing journey for 3 years. I have worked on my abandonment issues and childhood wounds and made great progress. I know my self worth and don’t settle for just anyone to have a partner. So after doing all this I met someone and enjoyed their company. As the relationship progressed they made me feel safe to ask for some of my bare minimum needs to be met. Which is SUPER HARD for me. I have been fiercely independent for most of my life. But when I did ask for those bare minimum needs to be met, I was met with resistance and complaints about how what I need is just too hard for them to meet. Which in turn makes me feel bad and I want to shut back down. 😞
Omg I’m so happy I came across you on here your my favorite therapist on TikTok I wanna cry right now that I’m happy to see you on CZcams 🤗😭😭
Thank YOU so MUCH! This helped me understand mySelf so much more! I love therapists, psychologists, counsellors etc
You help us understand all our feelings emotions & needs etc helping me for sure ENORMOUSLY! 😍
This was wonderful! Truly appreciated the advice and love Jeff's way of delivering this rich content. You are so lovely, Jeff. Thank you so much.
My husband has always seemed like he has a secure attachment style, his family impressed me, but after being married 31 years he has never made me feel emotionally secure. I don't know why I'm still staying with him since he makes me feel unloved. When I think of divorcing him I think that life will be more peaceful. I don't know if that will be possible for me with an insecure attachment going back to being in the womb. We have been in marriage counseling 4 different times over the 31 years. We even had premarital counseling with 3 different pastors, guess that was a waste of time.
This video is really amazing! I figured out with the help of my therapist and the internet that i have an anxious attachment style and now i feel a lot more calm just to know this because at least i have the clarity about all my reactions and feelings.Now i am just hopeful to work on the ways to cope with this to feel better.Guys,i can't stress this enough,therapy is the key.For the last past year i've been going consistently and i'm discovering myself like i could never before.Try it and take your time with it,it will work miracles if you search for ways to make you grow and heal.
And don't forget,you're amazing!
When you went to therapy, what did you mention that you wanted to work on. How’d you get the most of your sessions ?
Also, just regular talk therapy ?
Thanks for the video! I went to therapy right after a break-up and very soon discovered attachment theory on my own, but my therapist seems to be unaware of what attachment theory is. When I tried to explain that I read books on that, she looked kinda confused and didn't know what I was talking about. Although attachment theory and my Anxious/Fearful Avoidant attachment is something I really would love to work on. Does it mean I should try searching for another therapist who works with attachment styles?
I’d first be really direct with the therapist about how you’d like to talk about attachment styles. Then maybe find another if it still feels like a bad fit.
It’s crazy. The game play is so hard to stop. Example is yesterday my partner was with a bunch of new friends, lots of which were girls. I got anxious and insecure about myself, hoping to get reassurance.
But instead of being direct, I kept asking if they were hot and joking about him flirting with them. All while hoping he’d give me validation instead of actually answering my questions.
Thank you for the video, it is helping me see my mistakes and how to change them.
tbh i just straight up say if ur not only attracted to me i dont want to be in it because i know from my end im extremely loyal so i would like the same i need a soldier not someone with a weak dick, someone respectful is key
@@auralionasol2205 yeah, he’s beyond loyal, it’s my own anxiety that worries he won’t be. He’s proven time and time again he only loves me, my anxiety just makes me doubt the obvious truth 🤦🏻♀️
Going through a break up, the red flags i avoided many years ago always left me with anxiety being in a relationship off and on with this woman. We both were full of traumas and i am learning to overcome and heal my soul and she just isnt that type of person. Its been very hard but constant anxiety and many attachment/insecure issues in this relationship. Very very hard to leave her, she was my best friend. But the relationship literally makes me sick from fear anxiety and shame. This video just took my anxiety away especially at the end where you talk about dating yourself, and how you know how to recognize a relationship that triggers your anxiety (Which i believe would be from experience and our subconcious saying NONONO) and back away from it. The sad thing is after i heal, and remove my anxiety. and feel better mentally and physically that person being around is so beautiful because i dont have the trust or insecure issues or anxiety and im SO in love with them and its paradise, but i lose myself slowly and surely and it all creeps back. ESPECIALLY when they do the same traumatizing things as the past. (or maybe it only returns because of this?) Anyway had to vent day 2 of being free and fighting for my self. Hope this video helps someone the way it did tonight for me!!
May I ask what type of things triggers your anxiety after getting better
Mate, thanks a lot for this video. I kind of had the inking I have this attachment style and how I’m a nervous wreck when I really like a girl. Being self aware of this is a good first step for me to start becoming more secure. Kudos to you!
I love your video, I think we need more videos about disorganised attachment style
This video really relieves my anxious attachment style. I’m saving it because it’s so grounding.
Damn. So spot on. What a wonderful video! Thank you for putting out great content for us APs!
You are !!like a Divine Mother, Jeff. You are such an angel! You are so appreciated!! Thank you!!
Focus on yourself, your wants your needs. What others find of you is their task and problem.
I kept seeing this video thumbnail and I wanted to watch but I don’t trust everyone’s random internet advice so I kept scrolling past. When I finally clicked I was SO shocked and happy to see you, my jaw dropped 😅. Love your short-form content and I’m so glad to have come across your channel here ❤❤
This is all so valuable, thank you. Do you have any tips for what to do when one partner is highly agreeable, and the other highly disagreeable? My partner has a heart of gold, but his disagreeableness clashes pretty hard with my agreeable and more conflict-avoidant and outwardly emotional nature. I don’t want either of us to try to change our personalities, so what are some ways we can keep a healthy relationship? It’s been a struggle.
Not op, but what helped me immensely is finding out what the personality means. Find the benefits of disagreeableness, look at the personality in depth. Jordan Peterson personality lectures helped a lot!
I really enjoyed this video and I will share this with my therapist. Thank you!
NOBODY 'randomly ends up with someone'. EVERYONE has an option NOT to choose!!
It's NOT who we don't choose, it's WHO we choose. Hopes that makes sense.
Thank you so much you explained the exact situation in my life rn, I feel really overwhelmed being an anxious attachment
I recently dated a super duper ADHD enhanced anxious attachment person and myself, as an anxious myself, got attracted at first because we relate to each other but down the line he suffocated me, love bombed me and destroyed even more my needs and boundaries! After several months of stalking me and giving me panic attacks, I had to search a therapist to help me out.
I'm feeling much better now and slowly wanting to date again, seeking myself a truly secure attached one
I have an anxious ambiguous attachment style and I usually fall for anxious avoidant partners…
It's really depressing that there is no one right person, and you just sort of randomly end up with someone and keep being nice to each other. That makes me so sad. It breaks my heart. It makes me not want to do a real relationship because it's so depressing and scary to be with a normal, fallible person. That is so, so upsetting.
It me! Gee thanks, I hate it.
I always go for guys with insecurities 😢 you’re right it doesn’t do me any favours
Thank you so much for this series for the anxious attachment style. Could you pretty please do a series for healing avoidant attachment style?
1) Find a partner who is secure. They will role model for you how to get your needs met.
2) Get in touch with the shame. We want to get our needs met, but we feel like we dont deserve to have our needs met. Start to feel more worthy.
3) Build on self esteem.
4) Express your emotional needs. It is not selfish!
5) Don't play games. Dont be passive aggressive.
6) Resist being critical on yourself. Take note of that critical voice of yourself, what are they going to say, when are they going to say.
7) Self soothing. Find ways to bring yourself calm.
8) Focus more on yourself. Take yourself out on dates. Build a good relationship with yourself.
9) Go to therapy
I really needed to hear this about how this doesn't make us toxic or bad.
Thank you! ♥️ your delivery is amazing. All your tips are so applicable for real life.
It’s the vulnerable and direct for me 😫
Thank you I loved this video. I’m a partner that is an anxious detachment style and it was a reminder what I need to focus on myself to stay secure
Hi, excuse me, could you make a video about how to pass from avoidant style to a Sécure one, please? 😊
listening to this at work you made me smile when u said ppl w anxious attachment styles are cuties 😂😂😂 bc we definitely are!
You have 22K subscribers with barely any videos. It'd amazing how big your potential is
i have anxious attachment style and i have been in a long distance relationship for 5 years already (never met him yet) he lives 12000 km away. i feel like he is an avoidant type really developed it slowly . nowadays he works a lot maybe sometime overtime 12 hours and we dont talk everyday i love him but its hard to follow this routine for me especially with a time difference of 9-10 hours... he is very caring but at the moment has lots of financial difficulties so needs to prioritize other stop at the moment.
Please be careful with this relationship. Long distance ones where you never see the person can be fake. At a minimum face time with this person. I had a friend who was fooled by many men this way. Always excuses. I hope the best for you.
@@alward599 thank you for caring.. i applied for the visa to go see him where he studies and my visa got rejected i hope nothing will bother us soon so we can meet and marry soon
I'm literally crying. I finally figured it out. I feel so seen watching this. 😢
FOCUS ON YOURSELF... That's a BIG issue. The mind is always chasing out, on survival mode in hyper vigilance mode. I'm tired it sucks all my energy. How to overcome?
your voice is so relaxing, & this video was straight to the point & filled with many tools to utilize. thank you!
Thank you for this video. It's hopeful and positive. Definitely helped 🙏🏾🧡🙏🏾
Jeff Gunther, you are a beacon of light in a rather shady world.
thank you so much for your videos. i just found them, as i am learning more about my attachment style
lovely video. straight to the point and not a lot of i was like this, this is my long history, this and that and bla, just tells us what to do. thank you very much 😊 im gonna watch the video on self soothing next
This was my issue i gained so much fear of abandonment i basically was in fix mode our entire relationship
I loved this video! Thanks for putting it out there. Some serious food for thought x
I came out of an on/off again narcisstic relationship where i allowed my Ex to basically take everything from me. My self esteem, my positivity, made me question myself (if i was crazy) based on his actions. I didnt any longer believe in my intuition. I have moved on and in what i believe is a healthy relationship now after a year and a half of shadow work and healing. The hard part for me is this man is my NEIGHBOR i see him every day and he still tries to gaslight me. I cant move but any suggestions on how i can get past this would be great.
he would be an avoidant partner
Not me constantly worrying that the cactus thornes might pierce his hands. 😅
This is definitely helpful! Thank you a lot
I got off tiktok and so glad you came across my fyp I mean CZcams suggestions
Awesome to the point true help🙏never too old to learn helpful change 🌺
I want to keep my heart open. But at this point just being alone is the safest thing for me. My nervous system can't handle it so I'll just sit and be.
I love your contents. You're amazing. You help me so much with forgiving myself.
It’s so hard asking for what l need and also not playing games l don’t want to scare them off but it’s so easy being indirect
Hi Jeff, love your videos, so clear, concise and really helpful 👍🏻
I have already failed lol I chose an avoidant.... damn
You are so articulate and wise!!! ❤️❤️❤️
Very helpful. Do you think two anxiously attached people can have a healthy relationship?
Yep. They can!
Incredible video! Thank you so much for providing this insight.
Thank you so much! This actually sound like it can work!
Helpful!
Excellent points. Thank you.
Yeah i understund the direction but I also feel that if I stop being so controlling and concentrate more on myself the relationship will fall apart. And deep inside I know it's not the case. Just my anxiety voice from inside tells me that i HOLD this relationship and if I stop, the parthner will loose interest (again my parthner is very secure and i think our relationship is very strong, but it's the tgout that comes only when I have anixiety; And I actually have it when my parthner is busy or in a bad mood, so a little bit distant). Anyway, sometimes I just imagine my life without those controlling thougts like a feefall and wonder if I ever could experience this.
Hi dear, can we get in touch? I would love a sister whom I can talk to about it. I am experiencing the same problem.
I completely get what you are saying, some days he does not call or text me, it makes me wonder, does he no longer love me?
Thank you. Nice short and sweet. Very grateful 🙏
How do you know someone is secure?
You are a Godsend 🙏💕
please do a similar video for Avoidant attachment peeps. it'd mean so much.
Unfortunatly i'm always attracted to avoidant ppl who don't really want me. I find secure ppl boring tbh. I know its toxic but i haven't healed this
Thank you! this is awesome
Thank you, this is helping me understand my nature
Thank you sir for Sharing your knowledge to everyone who needs it
This was truly a lovely video. Would love to have you as my therapist. Also, how do you know if the partner you’re with has a secure attachment or not? Sorry if that’s a dumb question
Good question! It's actually not really something you'll know until you date them for about 6 months. Check out the first video in this anxious attachment series where I talk a bit about all the different attachment styles.
This was great!