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NILF: Why Narcissists are Irresistible, Sexy (to some)
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- čas přidán 29. 12. 2023
- OVERT-GRANDIOSE, SOMATIC NARCISSISTS
Disinhibited kink, promiscuity, experimentation, no boundaries or limits: realize all your fantasies, including socially frowned upon.
Uncanny valley is universal - but not so the reaction to it. Polarized mate selection responses: irresistible only to some psychological profiles, others find them repulsive and creepy, no one is indifferent.
Danger as aphrodisiac: thrills, novelty, and risk seeking, defiance, recklessness, aggression as winner strategies.
Self-confidence as aphrodisiac: external regulation, regression with parental figure (daddy or mommy issues, dual mothership), alleviation of responsibility (deactivation of alloplastic defenses)
Shared fantasy as panacea: future faking
Hall of mirrors: self-infatuation, autoerotism
Fluidity: gender, sex, scripts, roles, age
Performative sex
COVERT, CEREBRAL NARCISSISTS
Covert and cerebral narcissists are incels. They have to bribe women to pay them any attention. They are infantile, so they cannot maintain a romantic or sexual relationship with a partner. Partners end up betraying them and cheating on then, often at their behest and owing to neglect, feigned indifference, or subtle encouragement.
They are also craven and seek the approval of peers, so they gang up on their partners with others and are never protective of their partners when they are approached or even preyed upon by others in their presence.
Cerebral and covert narcissists encourage their intimate partners to seek others as a way to get rid of them, at least for a while (though, more often, permanently) and to preempt their inevitable infidelity, to regain a sense of control (“I made this happen”).
But when the partners do elope with others ostentatiously and the narcissists could not fight back (too cowardly, ingratiating, plus what’s the point), they experience humiliating mortification by the poachers involved who egregiously disrespected and ignored them and thus negated their grandiose self-perception as awe-inspiring, feared, and respected.
The poachers regard themselves as “saviors” and “rescuers” or moral crusaders set against an insufferably haughty, bullying, contemptible, craven “monster” and fraudster.
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once you see you're dealing with a coward and a child in an overgrown body the attraction disappears and is replaced by pity
for me, in my mind i have sepparated the coward child and the seductive man. when i am more rational or angry, i see the coward, and when i am more emotional, i feel atrracted again… it’s a loop
True
True
Narcissists are very short term thinkers and will never suirvive without some very damaged people
Is this a leather jacket and a spiky haircut I see ? Kind of liking the vibe. Happy 2024 to you, sir.
sounds like YOU'RE a prime candidate 'hitting on' a professor suffering from
MID-LIFE CRISIS!! Good luck to you both!!!!!!! LMAO!!!!!! 🖤♠
@@Dafalex22 haha! No, not exactly. Just kidding around with the guy. I am happily attached. Happy New Year to you!
@@RelaxRestoreReleaseRestart yesss.....your Quad "R" moniker is quite
philosophical in itself.....Happy Happy to you and yours!!!! 🖤♠
I was thinking the same thing lol
@@Dafalex22Are you the Professor Borderline partner gone on a drunk jealousy benter?? 😂
I was attracted to the narcissist because he appeared to be caring, intelligent, and had similar values and goals to mine. It was easy to talk to him. The reality is that it was just an act. You still have to heal the trauma over time and you will struggle, but once you accept the truth, there won't be any love and you won't be thinking of the what ifs. It was meant to fail from the beginning and it's not your fault even if you fell for it. Personally, I never thought someone could lie so easily about anything and everything. Forget the small little white lies, it's just on another level with someone who is potentially has a Cluster B personality disorder. Listen to your gut feeling, even if you ignored it before. Good news is that it probably works just fine. 😄
sorry --- WHATS IS cluster B PERSONALITY disorder/
So well said and worth rereading many times!
He had NPD and I’ve been diagnosed with BPD & Bipolar , very toxic situation because I was extremely dependent on his body as my regulation and soothing, mainly because it was very passionate and sweet despite his abuse. And he told me word for word that I was the best s*x he ever had. I kept telling myself “if he was an actual bad person he wouldn’t be so caring in bed” and that’s what truly kept me in the loop.😅 Till this day I sometimes doubt the abuse he put me trough because of that.. So weird
Thank you! Now I can understand better what happened to me. He treated me like crap outside the bedroom, and I struggled so to understand why I put it with it and went back twice. It was the sex. He made me feel like the sexiest woman on the planet after six years of dating a covert narcissist. I went right from a covert to an overt in a matter of weeks. I was starved for attention. After that whole debacle I finally sought therapy for myself. Still a struggle, but I’m getting there. Have purposely not dated anyone for over a year now. Healing, slowly but surely.
Glad you covered this.. my ex was extremely grandiose and his intense projected confidence attracted women like moths to a flame..yet he was in reality extremely insecure, especially about me-even though I gave him no reason to be-so he punished me all the time for anything that made him feel insecure, which was basically every other man on the planet, literally. He exuded alpha male sex appeal, had the lowest voice known to the human voice box and I was intoxicated into his web, but discovered that under it all he was a spiteful, emotionally immature temper tantruming toddler at best and an extremely dangerous psychopath at worst. Still miss the sex though as it was incredibly erotic although it wasn’t emotionally intimate, but ultimately non of it was worth the madness that I luckily escaped from alive and not broken. Looking good Sam ! Happy new year, and thanks for making this kind of info lighter on the heart and mind by your unique, blunt, humorous and charismatic presentation skills.
If the same one then sincere Condolences my dear! 😂 I think it’s an omnipresent spirit that shares itself amongst these mortals and uses hot sex as it’s main entrapment tactic… coming from the fires of hell it’s not surprising really (Sam is exempt from this condemnation- as we like him)
I find the similarities of these people and their personalities are really incredible... Prof. Vaknin just read the script of my past relationship, and I am again impressed. I finally saw and understood my own unhealthy traits, and it feels sad... the way I was all this time, but accepting them was the way out of a vicious narcissistic cycle. Thank you, Prof. Sam Vaknin, for your incredibly educational, eyes-opening lectures!
@@Lidiya111 good point “the similarities of these people and their personalities really incredible”. This is our saving grace
@debbie1873 what made sex so erotic?
I had the exact same experience. I feel I will never have good sex again, yet I know that it was not worth the pain it would have caused. I thankfully only wasted 6 months of my life.
I've witnessed even the majority of people in church decieved by a very charming, intellegent but ultimately totally fake and manipulative leader. Those who work close to him know what he's like, but the secret to his success? He puts all his effort into first impressions, which actually is a good strategy for convincing people that you're likable and competent. Also, he's sure to flatter those in positions above him, it's so sickening to watch, but IMO they are also partly responsible as they are so guillible! He is absolutely awful to people, sadistic even once he has no use for them.
The dead giveaway people is that if you meet someone and your first impressions of them are " this is one of the most amazing/intellegent/charming/nicest person I've ever met" be very careful. Charm is in particular is the hallmark of the Narcissist, Socio/Psychopath.
@@sarahashby9211 Oh aren't they great?! The Narcissist loves to play God themselves, no doubt this is the attraction of religion to them.
My experience is the narcissist kind of gives you permission to be yourself and explore sexuality, there’s no judgement at the beginning. This usually is enough to let go of constrains and therefore it feels amazing. But it isn’t long lived. I was with two narcissists and looking back, no, the sex wasn’t that great. Now I wouldn’t get close to this type.
This video and others of yours make me literally stop in my tracks and freeze. This one just did it again. The things that are so dead on to my experience- I just can barely believe it. Thank you for posting these. Just wow… 😢
Excellent advice! 👏
ASK YOURSELF ALL THE WHYS! Then and only then, when you understand why you were attracted to them, then you won’t replace them with another narcissist.
And yet, I still care. And don't know how to stop that.
@@user-qb5zv3gw1j Of course you do. You have a good heart that sees the best in everyone. And that’s why narcissists count on you not to ever leave them.
The narcs I was attracted to were immensely intelligent. They weren't particularly physically attractive, but I was drawn to their gravity and found them to be intelligent. Their presentation was fascinating, and they could read a room, knowing exactly what part of their internal Brittanica to show people.
Now, while still attracted to intelligence (who wants to be bored?), I become the observer, not the participant. Its easier to spot them now, and I easily walk away, grateful for the entertainment.
It took me some time but I eventually developed an auto-gag reflex when I meet a toxic person. Its like I learned to turn my "Spidy Senses" on for all people at all time. It has saved me years of pain and abuse. You can be as good looking and charming as you please. I will pick up on that empty monster inside. It took me about 20 years give or take. I'm glad I did. Hard boundary and I will automatically grey rock.
Me too, it took 20 yrs, and, yes, I am glad I learned how to identify them in the end.
@@colleenpage1265 I am as delighted for you as for myself 🌻💛
Shared fantasy as the Disneyland. Physical closeness as a dissociative hallucination.
Loving all these analogies, on fire 🔥
This is so true! I realized i was attracted to this person's risk taking, indifference to danger, sometimes overly confident then switching to child-like boyishness was the cocktail i needed...to be caretaker, nurturer, healer, be protected, have adventure, borrow his confidence, etc. You confirmed my self-analysis and im actively taking ownership of these patterns. Im so glad it didnt work out! So glad i woke up, got the guts to grayrock and then when he came back for me, brutally cut this person off forever.
It was different for me. I fell into a relationship with a narcissist when I felt bad, when I was drowning, I needed saving. No one promised me anything, that would only push me away. The attraction was automatically there. I transformed myself into a sex object and I wanted exchange. I had something to give and I was expecting him to help me, but that never happened. They just used me and didn't love me - which I expected in return...😯🥺😭
Wow, nice one!! ps: sexy jacket! You handsome son of a gun.
These people are just describing the illusion they saw in the beginning. When someone turns out to be a snake, trust that a snake is going to be a snake!
This man is absolutely right, you will have the best sex for the first few years. If you are lucky. Then it’s a complete tear down of self-esteem and self-worth, the sex eventually becomes something that you are terrified of. Good sex, or good life…? Choose life.
Hi Sam, well i definitely fall into the 'daddy issues' arena as you mention. He left us repeatedly as children for other women, yes he was a narcissist - and unfortunately my mum took him back time and time again.
The last ex narcissist (3rd relationship) on meeting knew my vulnerabilities and co-dependecy and ran with it fully. I admired his confidence and self-assuredness (on the outside at least), this i was certainly lacking at that time and also his risk taking - the way he didnt follow social norms and was a total please-himself-pleaser.
I was so used to the way of living he provided -the unpredictability, scaryness and being on edge from my own childhood - i was conditioned and ripe for the picking.
Until you see things for what they really are and manage your own issues and see the reasons you allow the behaviour in your life, you will keep living in the state of alert - like a yellow weather warning, where you are editing and enhancing the reality of the situation.
Looking back i saw the red flags on day one and wish i had listened to my gut. More body awareness is needed for all.
04vEnZmd
There was no intimacy with the narcissist it was mechanical and so cold. Before I met the Ex it was long distance. He sure talked a good game how good he was, love bombing and he hyped it up 1,000 %
I visited him in his country and he more or less was ok. It was not until I came back to the USA, California that when he wanted more money and I said No that the devaluation was so devastating. He future faked me as we were supposed to get married and it never happened. He was so handsome, charismatic, alluring. He is a covert somatic narcissist. I've been a year NC. He's blocked everywhere but still stalks me on fb messenger with over 50 fake profiles. I block and report. Thank you for all the information that you share. Blessings ♥️🙏🏾
Nearly every word you’ve said applies to my now ex-husband. It’s been 3 years now, and though I am still very much in love the illusion of him, I am well aware to stay far away from this demon in human flesh. It’s an unbelievable push/pull in the mind. I’ve said the same thing, I will never find another man like him, sex like that again and even grieved it. It was 22 years of an insane tornado of mindfu€kery that I didn’t think existed. I ran far away 3 yrs ago, my daughter and I are healing and there is a little bit of light I see ahead. Thank you Dr. Vaknin, you helped me to understand that I wasn’t crazy, that I was right about what was happening, and that I had to carefully leave, and stay away this time. Understanding, and listening to what is exactly happening to YOU, is what I needed. Much gratitude to you for helping us see through the fog, the veil, and make a way out, a way to gain back our sanity.
I get it. When the sex is that good, it's really hard to let go. I know. But I don't want the emotional pain that goes with it. The turmoil, upheaval and lies are not worth it.
Thank you for this topic. Yeah, we were just two pathologies fulfilling each other. People find my ex husband dangerous, for me it was catchy...daddy issues. I felt like his prosperity, he was protective of. A beast with a pigeon's heart - only for me. And I was ok with that untill he stopped to treat me like a part of himself. Started to be very cold, sadistic, detached and cruel. He also became very jealous of me and ready to fight with all my male friends, even the one living abroad, who was texting me twice a year. Finally, I was forbidden to go to jim and even work. I am a professor at a university, and he was paranoid about my male students. I realised I was treated like a thing that anybody could just take. I could participate in conferences exclusively when he joined me.. It was worse and worse with time. He was also addicted to alcohol. The truth is that I never betrayed him, even when I was left for months without any contact, in terrible pain and confusion.... I want to change myself just to end up happy and safe either alone or in a relationship. Greetings from Poland.
You are 💯💯💯 Correct..you described him, and you described me..thrill seeker..risk taker..I was so drawn to him..I viewed him as a challenge..the sexual attraction was unbelievable..but i also viewed him like he was a God..he was in the beginning, but over time the mask slipped.. and after 2 years i saw the monster..
Speechless. Accurate in the most intimate way about something i could never describe
Greetings from Armenia. We all have leather jackets. I think,it tells everything about us. Thanks for the Video.
Somatic narcissist being a disappointment in bed is very true 😂 and I find it hilarious.
I have BPD and my ex was clearly a somatic narcissist and it was all talk and no action 😂😂😂
Thank you Prof. Sam Vaknin...my relationship history in 44:53 minutes....
- Unparalleled sexual experiences (check)
- Sense of discomfort / people pleasers (check)
- Danger associated with narcissists acts as an aphrodisiac (check)
- Offers an escape and a sense of uniqueness (check)
- Cycle of idealisation and devaluation (check)
Despite my intentions to pursue healthy relationships, I find myself repeatedly ONLY drawn towards partners exhibiting narcissistic traits. I recognize this stems from unresolved childhood wounds (mummy issues) and a yearning for the familiar, though dysfunctional, emotional patterns from my upbringing. I am just so exhausted from it and wonder if I'll ever be able to develop a healthy bond with a romantic partner?
Wow. I cried last night recalling how much I enjoyed the sex. Yet, for the first year, the grandiose narcissist I was with didn’t bother to satisfy me after he was satisfied… SO often (95% of the time), that I felt confused. I had never encountered a man before who didn’t please the woman (me) first or at least know that I was satisfied before they turned over. His excuse when confronted was that he thought I had enjoyed it or didn’t know, or was unsure as to how… which was obviously bullshit. He enjoyed taking from me, and seemed to even hope that I would need anything in return, or that we could skip that part. Lol He works in the music industry and is often referred to as self serving and an a-hole, but despite all of it, I became addicted to his magnetic pull and am now working on what challenges I have that allowed me to accept that and slowly become attached to someone who literally didn’t care about me, eventually discarding me. I have watched all your videos! Thank you SO much for going to deeply into this topic and providing incredible insight!!
Is it Simon Cowell ?
Yes you are so right.
Its the first time ive seen myself as sexy or attractive.
Its because he has idealized me and now ive idealized myself in my mind through him.
I was so confused to as why its the most sexual i have ever felt in my life and why is the sex so good with him.
Psychopaths deliver on the promise...
From my experience, you are always sorry eventually.
This is an absolute masterpiece, thank you.
So insightfull. Thank you very much. Wish you the best for the new year.
Spot on. It has been a nightmare and he lives across the street. 🤬❤️💜
LOVED THE TITLE!
Great lecture as always professor!Thank you!
Excellent information and so helpful..Thank you!!!
Wow!!! Fantastic video, Dr. Sam. Thank you for sharing.
Leave it to the professor to put a smile on my face 😊
This is a Masterpiece!! Best lecture on CZcams about this subject. What i felt in my observations in that kind of relationships are translated into the sentences by Sam. Many thanks to Professor!
Thank you, I have been asking this question for a long time, looking for and waiting for information on this topic
Thank you prof.Vaknin, best wishes for 2024!
I really love everything that you do here in youtube. I hope you find yourself in your journey.
Just discovered your videos and absolutely LOVING your content! Thank you for all your fascinating insight! It gives me a lot to reflect on
This is the best one ever. Thank you Prof. Vaknin!!
Thank you, now I can understand what happened to me.Thank you Profesorfor all you do. Greetings from Poland.
Thank you Sam. Greetings from Uruguay 🇺🇾
This title had me cracking up! Happy New Year, Professor 🎉
Masterful !!! OMG I am in Love .. Thank You Dr Vaknin 🥰🙏
With Respect🌼
Thank you for all you do! Happy New Year! 🎊🎆🎈
One of your best!
Thank You Professor for this "for Real" video-talk/lecture. Very informative, Very validating.....Very sad..... Happy New Year and Very Best Wishes To Everyone !!!! 🎉🎉🎉🎉
I've been listening to the practice nothingness videos and I find them to make a lot of sense and very helpful. I like the way you use language to explain such complex contents, so sophisticatedly and accurately delivered.
I can barely see you thru your Kari Lake film. Lol. Is it me? This fits perfectly. Knew he was driven by something! Awesome card too! You did so much to enlighten us this year and so rare! Wish it was mainstream! Thank you, Melissa!! Happy New Year!
Very interesting… Yes, Narcissists are very alluring and an attraction. 🥰 Love the jacket 😎 Happy New Year. 🥳
Thank you very helpful
Love the jacket Dr. V.
A borderline with a narcissistic ex the sex was out of this world , but we both have effected each other both positively and negatively , but its a deep very destructive cycle it's heavy I always run I feel suffocated
That bad-boy image is how I came to be conceived. Tall, dark & handsome was drilled into my mom’s head. Dad left by my 6 month of life & mom proceeded to marry 4 more with similar personalities to him.
Me? I learned 5 things to watch out for & avoid, drunks, hitters, fighters but somehow I didn’t catch on to the commonality of their narcissism.
So I got me one of my own & have accepted it’s just life. Being a Jehovah’s Witness at the time I believed all men shared the trait.
Videos like this have been lifelines to climbing out of this mental black hole.
If you’ve read this far, you know where I’m coming from.
To you I congratulate you on seeking help thru understanding. Mostly tho, WTG! You got this! ❤ We’re stronger than we think 🙃🫶
Thank you sir!!!
Happy New Year, dear Sam❤
Valuable information
This video was so enlightening. I think Maybe This is the cause why a mother strongly favorites One of her children to be the Golden child,..?
Looking good Sam
Hi my handsome and attractive Sam ❤
You fell for his trap!!! "Come in to my parlour said the spider to the fly".....🖤♠
27:08 you Sir, just described basically the majority of the blackpill/incel dudes on the internet. What I also have seen is alot of narcissism combined with virginity and alot of delusions when it comes to human relationships. When you give these people solid advice like going to the gym and changing their diet to become more physically attractive, they will usually hate you for that and call you names lol
You just perfectly described my experience with someone after a 20 year marriage to my ex narc. I felt as if I was being sucked in to a trance. Attraction like I’ve never felt before. I’ve come to suspect this person is another narc and this pretty much confirms it. Trying to get out of the feeling. Unfortunately I have to interact with this person occasionally. When I can think logically about this person I do for moments get creeped out and afraid because I can see the red flags but then my attraction returns.
I'm a care giver to my toxic narcissistic mom. She was an awful mother. She's 95 I find myself torn. My insides are coming apart. How did this happen? She's sweet now which is so confusing to me. I'm trying to make her last years as good as possible. I've married only covert narcissists incapable of having sex after marriage. I try to help everyone. I'm so tired. I've been watching Prof Vaknin years. Counselors are not helping.
Stay strong 💙
Read co dependency no more and learn more about attachment styles and find coping mechanisms for those 🤍 it takes time be patient with yourself you deserve love
"but we're in love!!!!!!" - The Tom Leykis show. thanks dad! Blow Me Up Tom!
My train of thought when a partner engages in triangulation/cheating for what ever reason (testing, jealousy etc...). I'm not gonna fight over you with other men, not gonna stalk you either. Not because I'm afraid or don't care, but because if that is the pattern of behavior you choose to have, you are not the person I want to be with. Discard. It's called self respect, It's called detecting a red flag and walking away from a toxic person. Only people following their animal instincts will engage in a conflict with other men, over a lost cause. You can call it cowardly, I call it civilized behavior. If you remember back in the day people divorced such wives. A civilized partner will try to talk about her problems instead of engaging in such behavior to invoke a reaction.
All very naughty children seem to be very cute..it's so parents don't throw them away 😂
OMG SELF LOVE YESSSSSSSSSSSSS THANK YOU I FINALLY GOT WHAT I FOUND IRRESTIBLE
Long Live Sam
So…im
Buying me a black leather jacket from Macy’s tomorrow….Aloha🌺 from Kona, Hawaii….Sam, thank you!
Deep insight 29:52
Prof. Vaknin how do you know so well how it feels to be around a narcissist? That's exactly what it feels like.
NILF❤
NILF lol.
Did you raid Pinheads wardrobe
Hellraiser reference btw
How would it look like a healthy relationship vs a relationship with a narcissist or a borderline from the inside and from the outside?
Search the life's wisdom playlist.
look at you? look at ME!
Because of rock jacket 😅
Loving the look sam very sexy lol
Now the narcasist I was with had a face like he'd been run over by a bus but I was very attracted to him thought he was the best thing since sliced bread 😅😅 but now im out of the spell and back to reality I went off bread 🥪 😊❤
How to get your ticket for a short term relationship with a male overt somatic narcissist in general? He is obviously having secretly same sex relations but at the same time surprisingly believe absolutly that he is not. How could i become one of those ? Should i avoid being quite shy ? 😂
So even if the narc is bad at bed, people would stay attracted due to unexplored fantasies + the attachment around.
Does the borderline trigger even more attachement due to sex ?
Yes.
Uncanny Valley: does it applay to Borderline too?
No. Only to narcissists, psychopaths, paranoids, schizoids, schizotypals, psychotics.
@@samvakninwhat about covert borderline? Does it applay to covert borderline?
My covert narcissist ex husband ignored the fact I was grabbed in the street by a stranger. I dealt with it myself and looked round expecting help and the ex had run into a pub. When I went in he didn't mention what had happened outside. He avoided sex and affection from the honeymoon week onwards. Part of that was not showering.
'NILF' and 'He's gorgeous and you're dead' hahahaha.'
NILF :D
Just wondering why the “Narcissist” is “He”?
Are there no “female” narcissists?
Half of all narcissists are women.
NILF 🤣