Psychopathic Fathers: Identifying Toxic Dads - Psychotherapy Crash Course
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- čas přidán 27. 06. 2024
- Early upload!
Have you ever asked yourself why your father seems to care about the things he should care about?
Fathers who are psychopaths tend to distance themselves from their families and become more distant over time. As the fantasy of family-life decreases, the fun of being "dad" dissipates, and the challenges of parenting outweigh the fantasy of parenting, psychopathic fathers may become more cold over time.
In this video, I discuss the impact emotionally unstable, self-centered, and socially inept fathers can have on their children throughout the lifespan.
I will provide details on each characteristic and help you identify if you are a victim.
I welcome your comments and questions!
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I'm Támara, a licensed and nationally certified mental health therapist, with over 12 years experience. I specialize in helping children, teens, and families with mental illness. I also treat psychological/emotional trauma in children, teens, and adults.
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If this video was helpful to you, please like, share, and comment. 🙂 You may also like my most recent video on "daddy issues" czcams.com/video/5N7YvfMLoxE/video.html.
I didn’t have a name for him but now I do . He ticked every box . Except incest he was emotional distant . This upbringing by my father /mother was hell. You have such an understanding of how you described my father
I am so grateful for your guidance. This video really helped me in identifying my psychopathic stepfather. Thank you so very much. 🙂
🤢
Anyone recognise nobody wants to be on your side, because firstly there are many people who don't encounter the toxic traits within his personality, so they cannot imagine that charismatic charming man has emotionally abused his own children.
However the people who have spotted those traits and should know you have suffered, choose to be ignorant, because your dad is the one with money and connections which they can benefit from.
This is what hurts me the most. I've lost my whole family.
Thank you for sharing this. I agree.
This is the sad reality of how shallow our world, our families, and our social connections can be. As long as the father fits the description of something "decent" or "successful" nothing could possibly be wrong.
I'm sorry to hear that you have had to suffer this pain. I wish you well.
my mom died at the end of May, and my dad's side of the family has responded in the most callous, insensitive way imaginable but since I'm 31 nobody cares. I got a gun to kill myself 2 weeks ago and he called the police who took the gun from me.. now I want the gun back to defend against my dad/family because they show up randomly if they want to prove a point.. but the police won't return the gun without a court order.
I don't even care anymore i'm done being a slave to his needs and at least my life is better than his, I just can't believe this exists and I'm so sorry for anyone who has their reality and sanity questioned on a daily basis.
I told a teacher about my father for help and his response was, no your dad is a lovely person. He was completely different at home than how he was in public and he knew how to manipulate and charm people. He often told me that I would need to manipulate people when I got older to get what I wanted. He often spoke about hitler, the mafia and violence too - that started when I was 7
Wow, spot on. My father is the untreated mental illness one. It got to the point where I can't even have a 5 minutes conversation with him. I just have to get away. Basicly my whole family is full of self-centered, emotionaly dead people. I love how you said that it's better for these people to be deceased. I am studying theology and I have so much faith and I try to understand and love people, but maaaan, at one point I was thinking the same thing and I still do actually. The worst thing is that he is happy and he think he is fine while all of us around him suffer. Even after he is gone, all the problems he caused will still be in us. Unbelievable.
I am experiencing this now. Even a minute conversation somehow ends up in him yelling at everyone especially me. However he behaves completely different in public.
It's the same for me with my mother, I struggled with her all my life
I'm having this problem with both parents and I'm dealing with coercive control. I'm in serious danger. 😭
If your dad is rough on you like this, for like no reason and he cares more about his image than you, more about his own self respect than your emotions, you are not alone, it sucks, it hurts I know, it can be hard to see things change, it is so hard because the father/child relationship is vital to the child, it is like a placenta, like a lifeline we look for to be healthy, to feed and nurture us. It hurts,you are not alone, there are others who suffer the same thing bro/sis and the verbal/other abuse may have happened several times, it has happened to me (verbal), you don't deserve what's happening, at all, I just want to see you healed, it is painful. You are not alone, there "are" good people out there, who will care about you, nurture you, listen to you and your emotions, your perspective. Stay strong guys. Much love.
All my life my dad drank, he would say to my mom that he would be taking me to play catch, but really he would go to park sit there and drink six packs of beer and tell me to go find some fun... my dad abuses alcohol and sleeping pills... he even goes out and drives while screwed up on sleeping pills, slurring his words.. but yet he says he is the best driver in the world... he puts peoples lives in danger every day. He doesn't pay bills he doesn't help around the house.. only the lawn.. and a 100 bucks here and there but only when my mom gets into a fight with him that he never pays bills.. his name is on house.. he says its his house even tho he hasn't been paying anything.. my mom has been paying it and i help here and there but yet my dad says its not enough to me.. how the hell can he say that when he does nothing... he just sits there and tries to command people... always has an excuse for everything.. always says he is never drinking when he has... always says he never took sleeping pills when he has... his doctor is giving him any medication he wants.. we are trying to get a hold of his doctor... but its like his doctor avoids us... the doctor has been with the family for years... but he only see's my dad and me.. he has been seeing my dad since he was but a boy himself. when he is sober he is normal as all hell, but as soon as he drinks he changes... like a swapped personality. he always blames things on others.. including me. tried to kick him out, he would just come back and threaten us and try to kick down door and yell at me and my mom saying that im a piece of shit worthless son that does nothing but sit around. and that my mom is a whore... my mom is not a whore... she works and does everything around the house while i help her with my job... but yet thats still not good enough for him. ever since his sister died he became worse... he doesn't care for our lives... he leaves the gas on the stove on all the time... leaves lights on all day... orders movies that he doesn't pay for when he feels like it.... i can keep going on and on for years of the evil shit my dad has done to me and my family... and the only way he will stop is if he dies. or if someone finally kills him.. if we leave he will only follow.. we just don't have the money to get someone to help us. i wish i could find someone that could help us out... i really need it. we really need it... but we don't know where to turn. i wish my dad would meet another sober hard working guy to talk to so that guy can see how terrible of a scum bag my father is.
People tell me just to think for my self and to move out and do my own thing... its hard you know.. my mother has done so much for me.. and i want to return the favor... i want to give her anything she wants.. she deserves it from what she has been through... i can't just think for myself.
@@tomreid1342 it would be best if your mom left him. She may need therapy to help her to do it.
My father is very similar to this description and I know now he committed SA on my stepchild that I wanted to adopt. I cannot put SK thru a legal adoption when he could have the possibility of custody of her( if something were to happen to my spouse and myself)
Finally cut ties at 43 years old with mine. After years of not wanting to acknowledge that my father was incapable of love. It's been a long healing journey now for a year and a half.
My father is a psychopath. Though never formally diagnosed (he would never go to a doctor for this, because he's not aware). He consistently cheated on my mom for over 20 years, with my mom's own sister, and many other women. He has no empathy, does not provide emotional support. He is abusive, he often puts me and other siblings of mine down, such as saying that I'm not good enough, I did not do this well enough. The worst part of this is that knowing the kind of character he is, my mother never sees anything wrong with him, even until recently the whole cheating thing came out (in which he said he didn't do anything wrong), my mom still tells me that she loves him. He's brought tremendous pain to the whole family, and he's not going away anytime soon..
I'm sorry to hear this. This is tough. He most likely meets clinical criteria as a sociopath or narcissist. To cheat for years and not feel guilty or care about the feelings of your family is unconscionable. Putting you down and putting your siblings down is a clear sign that he is insecure and quite broken down on the inside. Sociopaths and narcissists (as well as psychopaths) tend to hurt people because they are either broken down and hurt themselves or simply do not care how they impact others. Most sociopaths and narcissists do not seek out therapy until something drastic in their lives happen (they are threatened with divorce, they are fired, their reputation is on the line, they are facing child abuse charges, etc). Even still they don't always go to treatment. The fact that your mom doesn't seem to see him for who he is may be a sign she needs support through psychotherapy. Either she is so broken down by him that she cannot think outside of him, or she lives in deep denial. This is tough.
Hi Diana , Thank you for telling us. Your mother reminds me of me...🤦♀️ Have you ever asked yr mother how she experienced her childhood and upbringing? It seems to me that, as a child, she was never allowed to set a boundaries, afraid of not being loved anymore than. This mostly repeates in further relationships with ofcourse the wrong types. (speaking from experience) Without boundaries you are prey to anyone, but especially for the very ones who take advantage of that! Its called "love" in narcissistic families who drill their children to obey and into the LIE how "lucky they are " having such grandiose parents! ugh..
You are soooo strong. God bless your soul.
I hate when they go in and intentionally lie to make themselves look like they are not psychopathic, narcissistic behavior, and traits of an emotionally adept narcissist.
I can understand you ! Even me facing the same issue!!
When you said that these men don't have to be that attractive but will think that they are, that resonated with me. Part of the reason I gave my ex a chance was because he was average. Very charming though and I thought I should give an average guy a chance because all the hot ones had hurt me. What a shock to discover that he has been the biggest cheater. Charms himself into women's beds with the nice guy act, then discards them. He's out there acting like he's as hot as Idris Elba.
Thank you for sharing that. A lot of women could probably relate to this. It's a sad reality because his false reality will catch up to him.
I know exactly what you mean. I thought the same thing and learned he cheated over and over!
Oh my God this is my family. My grandfather was a psychopath. He sexually abused all of his daughters and all of his female grandchildren (including me). He had everyone gaslit and wrapped around his finger and accused everyone of lying and would literally fake crocodile tears. He lied to my mother's face that he would never hurt a child and he couldn't believe she would ever think he was capable of such a thing. He was a career criminal who never held a job a day in his life and made his living scamming people, working for organized criminal groups and running gambling rings. If there was ever a textbook case, it was definitely my grandfather. He called himself a god among men and tried to raise us to be as manipulative as him. He literally taught my mother all about how to manipulate people for your personal benefit. He left his wife for a teenager too and ended up raping his stepdaughter for years. He threatened to kill my mom at one point. Like truly depraved and just an empty shell of a man. Even though he died when I was a preteen I still cannot get over how such an evil person destroyed the lives of almost everyone in my family.
It’s amazing how 1 person can cause so much trauma! I’m so sorry for all of the harm he caused. I hope some how all the victims can be helped with therapy.
My father is a diagnosed psychopath. He enjoyed hurting us. There was no sexual abuse. Mental and physical was bad enough. I was his favorite because I was a highly sensitive child. I loved my animals. When he was in a mood, he would kill them. He liked to see me cry and beg. He would sometimes kill them in cruel ways. He offered me money to hold my dog while he beat him to death. I ran screaming. There was so many things. He loved loved loved to humiliate us. He told me to make him a sandwich. I would bring it to him. He would throw it at me and tell me to make another. He did this several times without telling me what I was doing wrong. He beat us of course but the mental abuse was so much worse. He never wanted us to be happy. If we showed happiness he destroyed it. I was 8 years old when I started thinking of suicide.
That was awful..... Shocked to read this...
I'm sorry you had to go through that.
I relate
Yes , they beat animals and often times are obsessed with the sensitive child 🤷🏾♀️
I am so sorry. I hope you are safe now.
This describes my father perfectly. Thankfully, at the age of 44 I was able to escape from him and start healing. I’m only in the beginning stages of dealing with the sexual abuse trauma. You really hit the nail on the head about how he acted like I was his wife. My mom knew and did nothing. She still denies it happened and is still married to my father.
My father to a T except for the hard working part. He pretended to work but really just let my Mom work her tail off and be the main breadwinner. In my parents mid-80's, he really started going off the deep end, became more fixated on guns, and we were scared for a year and a half that he was going to try and kill my Mom (after 63 years of marriage). So we helped her move out of their home, helped her find an apartment with my oldest sister as her live-in caregiver, didn't tell him where she lived, and he could only talk with her on the phone. He went to live with a long time friend of our family, a widower and one of thee nicest men we know, who wanted to help my father. But it took less than 2 months and he was asked to move out because of his erratic behavior and fixation with guns. which was scaring him and he told us later, was very concerned for his own safety. Right after that my dad shot himself on our friends property out in the orchard and left a note apologizing to our friend. Not to his family of course, who he abused for our whole lives in every way described in this video, including sexual. Good riddance. I wished it would have happened when I was 6 years old when I first started wishing that he would never come back home from his business trips and before he had the chance to do so much damage to both my sister's, my Mom and my souls.
My mother died suddenly in March this year, 2022. She was a violently abusive, sadistic, narcissistic alcoholic. Anyway, good riddance.
Her husband, who I was raised to believe is my father, was one of those absentee fathers. And that's because he was busy having multiple affairs at work.
I know that because he recently decided to call me and offload.
"I wish I ditched your mother years ago. I don't feel any grief! I don't think I feel anything for anyone."
Like, regardless how I might feel about my mother, who he would NOT stand to be criticised, he now turns around and says she was having affairs.
My mother was a narcissistic drunk, very plain woman, who enjoyed the idea of male attention but honestly was too vain to actually follow through.
My "father" on the other hand decided to get rid of everything about her, including her cats, asap and find himself another woman.
He found a girlfriend literally the same week as my mother's funeral. But he kept it secret until last week and told me not to tell my siblings or son. I am sworn to secrecy on how quickly he replaced her.
Now he is making inappropriate comments about their sex life, being loud and hijacking every conversation, without my mother to tell him to shut up.
And I got nothing from these people except physical beatings, emotional sadism and neglect. Moving house every year with nothing but these two insane lovebirds incapable of even hugging their kids.
Yes, I began hurting animals and smaller kids. Depression saved me, age 13.
So now I have to go meet "your new step-mother" as he so charmingly put it, this weekend. He said "you choose the venue."
There's a little place I've never been, apparently one of the most haunted places in the whole country. Well, it's something that interests me.
Thank you for covering this love!!!!!! 💚 My father did all of thee above to my family and walked away with a sexual predator registration, 8 years time, and 3 illegitimate kids. I don't speak to him at all. And I never will.
Thank you truth4utoda! Appreciate that.
I'm glad you no longer have to deal with him. It's not healthy and I can't see it being healthy unless he repents.
And ppl always wanna make it seem like single parent households r the only thing that is unhealthy. Sometimes the child is better off when the unhealthy parent is absent.
Very much agree!! I am the product of a single parent household - my mother raising all 3 of us. We turned out okay...I think! :)
Wow. This was amazing. I was searching around CZcams to find some sense of why did this happen to me. My father raped me gruesomely for a third of my life. Despite trying to reach out to people I trusted, no one could hear me and what was actually going on. I realize now as an adult what I went through. I had episodes of dissociate amnesia and recently learned I am a step under from full blown dissociative identity disorder. I'm in therapy, love my therapist. But it's a lot to process. Thank you for this video. I am certainly walking away with more understanding and closure about what happened to me and why. It's always healing and validating to realize it migh not have been me causing it or me being inherently deserving of it.
You're welcome and glad you're here!
I'm so sorry for your trauma. I do hope and pray for your healing. 💖🙏
You did NOTHING to disserve his horrible behavior. NOTHING!
I honestly can't thank you enough for this ..
😊 you're welcome
Same
they don't need help they are monsters their victims need help
they need to be locked in a padded room until their last breath
I wish you could be my children's therapist! I am desperate to help my children. They live in constant fear, hate their father, and don't want to have a relationship with him. I was able to divorce their dad, but they can't legally leave their dad. Obviously their dad thinks he 100% normal. We are all so exhausted from him and his psychopathic ways...every thing is a fight.
Thank you Beloved Sage!
I'm sorry to hear about this. There are tons of families who see me for counseling and consultations who are also going through this. This seems to be a very common issue in today's society. It's often best to keep your distance as much as possible (coparent if you can together) and try to stay outside of the courts. However, if you have to have the courts mediate I would keep in mind that once kids turn 14 in most states they can determine where they want to be. A forensic psychologist who can do a custody evaluation can also be helpful as they can observe and point out issues in the family or his relationship with the children.
Take care
Very, very informative Ms. Hill. This is such important information because I've seen first hand someone dating a psychopathic man, marrying him and then him later raping their daughters. They are so damaged from this and rightfully so. So taking time to get to know the person you're dating including their family and family dynamics is so important. I've dated someone like this. It's always drama and stress. You go through a breakup but then you realize how much more peace you have without them around.
Thank you Ashley! I'm glad this was helpful. :)
And I agree with your assessment of this kind of sociopath.
thank you
i am so grateful for you to give this answer.
i felt so stuck,finally an answer to 25years of pain,i used to cry2 months continuously,yes he is a big officer and show different traits to others than family as if he has 2 faces.
nobody believes me
You're welcome. Thus is tough. A lot of people fail to realize these kinds of parents can destroy your life for a lifetime.
Thank you for this channel and your delving into this topic. My father used people and my mother’s family to social climb. He loves power. Cold to the heart, explosive rage, dominating and bullying to the nth degree, then cries for himself when he thinks it will move us .. I think it’s called crocodile tears. At 92, he still rages and can become physically violent. No, it’s not dementia. He thinks of himself first and only and is highly narcissistic regarding his looks; he used to be very handsome as a younger man. God help you if you cross him in any small perceived way. I stopped caretaking him emotionally a few years ago. It’s like he died to me. He’d been abusive to me in every way. I go grey rock when I talk to him now. I self protect. Still hard for me to detach from my role as the family German Shepherd, trying to help my mom (who finally divorced him years ago) and my brother. Wishing you all grace on your journeys ~
Thank you for this. I’m currently getting a diagnosis with a dissociative disorder due to childhood trauma. Our Dad has all these traits but one. What’s concerning is I think my brain doesn’t wanted to accept we were probably a survivor of CSA. Hopefully as we heal we can face the trauma memories without shutting down. ❤
I’m going through the same thing, it’s hard to tell what’s going on.
I am finally understanding that it was my father and not myself or my daughter's fault. Everything you said explained my father to the T. He had sexually abused me when I was younger but made my whole family think something was wrong with me because I was rebellious, did drugs and became the black sheep of my family but no one knew about the abuse you did to me. I left my family once I confronted him but of course he denied everything and my mother said " I knew something was happening" but she stayed with him. I married a narcissist because thats all I know had 2 kids and basically had to become a single parent to my kids and I had no one. After years of being suicidal, having depressions and dealing with my internal demons I thought maybe to become better I had to forgive him. I forgave him but again being a single mother I needed help. I had to move out of my townhouse and had to choice but to move back in with my parents. I had warn my mother I didnt want my kids alone with him and what she would always say is "what, you dont think I love my grandkids?". I didnt question her because that is questioning your parents and in a hispanic family you dont do that. COVID hit and we were home all the time, my job being an essential employee had us come back. My father that is self employed didnt have to so stayed at home with my kids and my mother. My kids started spending more time with my parents because of COVID and plus I had no one else to watch them. My kids started telling me things like grandma is falling down the stairs because she is too drunk or that they needed to take care of grandma because she was too drunk. All this I didnt like and everytime I tried pulling my kids more towards me my mother would get mad. I raised my kids asking them if anyone has touched their privates and they would tell me all the time "no mom, no one did" One day I asked my daughter this question because again my mother was drinking and acting different than before and my daughter told me " no mom but my grandpa did". My heart dropped and I knew she wasnt lying. I right away too my kids away from them, my parents no longer had any time with them but again I was still living there. One month of dropping my kids off at school before work and picking them up from the sitter after work to just stay out until it was time to go to sleep and then we would head back to my parents house to just sleep was the worse. After that 1 month I was able to buy a townhouse, leave my parents house and never look back. I had told my brother about everything recently but he didnt believe me and I even told my mother about my daughters abuse and she would tell my brother that my daughter and I are liars and crazy. After 1 week of living in our new home, decided I wasnt going to be silenced anymore and if it happened to my daughter and I then someone else could be the next victim. So I finally pressed charges against him. Since then my whole family hasnt spoken to me and my whole family is on his side and of course believes him even though there is 2 victims now. This has been the hardest thing in my life to do, especially doing alone but the only reason I wont be silence now is for my daughter. I dont want my daughter to feel like I did and feel like no one loves me or that I am not worth loving. I dont want her to turn out like me, I want her to speak and not be afraid to speak. I want her to know that when someone does something bad that there is consequences and it doesnt matter who it is. Thank you for this video it helps me understand that there is more of us out there that have been abused sexually by family members but its not our fault, we did nothing to deserve this and this was a choice that person decided to do. There is nothing wrong with me, I didnt ask for this and just because it did happen doesnt me I will continue the cycle of distruction.
You’re an excellent mother Sindy! Wish my mom had gotten us out of our bad situation.
Wow woman, you are incredible.
Good for you for reporting the toxic father and grandfather. So many times they "fall through the cracks" emotionally and/or sexually abuse someone but get away with it because their victims are loved ones. Good on you for standing up for you and your daughter/children!!
Oh boy I didnt think this topic would relate to me but wow. My father was the foreman of 2 huge construction company's and everybody living in my village had the upmost respect for him. You know the details Tamara. All these things describe him so well he was the best uncle to my cousins because he would take them out. I'm so so so glad I watched this and so so glad he moved away and is now dying a lonely old man with nobody. I am so grateful for your videos as they are packed with the answeres to so many things that cant plague people for years. Your and angel fair play thank you again 🙏
Thank you Beth! 😊
I'm glad these videos are speaking to you. It's good there is space between you.
I recently watched a video that hit home and it's amazing the healing and validation that can occur.
I always feel validation when watching your videos, and I have learned more about myself and how to manage to manage others who used to convince me that would never manage without them. I have seen the importance of moving forward and healing, I was stuck because I felt the need to understand why or how anyone especially your own parents could put a child through so much pain and trauma.
But I would have been stuck forever if I hadnt found you.
There is no reasonable explanation for these cruel individuals but
There is support to help people through the healing and I found this from you.
Thank you for allowing the world to gain access to your help.
And I thank god for you. 🙏🙂
Is it really possible to heal knowing the perpetrators have never been held accountable for their actions?
Good question Beth. Yes, I do think it is. Healing is a process and once you get to the end of that process, it is possible to move on with your life even while the perpetrator lives their life. For me, knowing that what goes around comes around (or, in the Christian sense, judgment exists), helps me live in a peaceful mindset. I strongly believe nothing we do will go un-rewarded (even the good). So we shall see what the end has to say to all of us.
@@TherapistTamaraHill Im so happy you say this Tamara thank you, Your opinion is so helpful and this is reasurance for me going forward.
Being the family scapegoat for many years was exhausting, mentally and physically because i was forever trying to prove my innocence for so many false accusations, but about 2 years ago i realised i have wasted the biggest part of my life trying to convince all the wrong people to believe me about the things that i was completely innocent of.
But the fact was, they already knew the truth , but it didnt matter to them. They stuck together and kept to their story and must have a good laugh watching me frantically try to defend myself.
Even pushing me to the point of doubting myself .
There was one person who eventually came to mind who knew me he knew the truth.
And he is also very highly respected for his authenticity. I also realised he was the only person i could trust to tell me the truth and by now i was a bit worried about his response becsuse he held the last hope of me keeping my sanity,
And when he said "Bethan i remember evrything and i will happily stand up to who ever questions the truth.
I almost fell to the floor in releife. And that was the moment i understood that i had nothing to prove to anyone.
The truth really did set me free. And ive been able to move on knowing judgement day is justice day and i can hold my head high when the day comes.
I honestly could cry. For so long I have been trying to figure out who I was dating, and I'd found "narcissism" which characterizes him a lot but wasn't quite right. I used to think he had low empathy but now I realize it's no empathy. He has taken thousands from my family and keeps lying about repaying, and I recently learned that he has been lying about that. It's been lies and more lies and the sexual compulsions...my God. Found out about so many lies while I'd been with him. He was married but never faithful, impregnated another woman within months. Now he's trying to bring the child here from another country and I know he's going to destroy this young boy's life. Workaholic, sexaholic, narcissistic. He truly caused a lot of havoc in my life and I couldn't understand. Now I am learning that he is a psychopath.
I'm sorry to hear this. This is quite traumatizing to say the least. It's not easy to get over. I have seen this many times in my office and it's just a matter of time before the truth comes out. Once the truth comes out, it may take years or a lifetime for the woman to heal. It's such a betrayal but nothing that is impossible to live through.
My father was telling me that parents have the right to kill their children. He said that honour kills are justified.. he also threatened to kill me & chop me up when I was 11 years old and I ran away for my life when I was a kid. I’m now an adult when he revealed his beliefs on honour killings. Should I be concerned for my safety?
He would also have rage fits over something small when I was young and threaten to drive the car into a tree to kill the whole family. He also drives recklessly when we were all in the car.
My dad is psychopath. Unfortunately, he’ll never get an oficial diagnosis because he doesn’t realize there’s something not right going on with him and doesn’t believe in psychology or even psychiatry. Growing up I never understood why he was the way he was, I’ve excused him and defended him my whole life, defended the abuse to us and even my pets, the manipulation, the lies, the destruction of my family and i hated him but at the same time I loved him so much and would’ve done anything for him. I didn’t understood why until my mom told me not long ago what he was. Unfortunately, it’s something she didn’t realize herself until they got married and I know she feels guilty in some way for giving me and my siblings that kind of father. It’s sad that that’s never going to change. I remember when my depression came back and it was the first time he actually agreed to meet my psychiatrist. For a moment, I thought he had at least a little bit of empathy, that he cared and maybe after all his diagnosis wasn’t psychopathy and everyone that said that (pretty much everyone that actually got to really know him was scared as shit of him and knew that there was something wrong with him) was wrong. The thing is that the moment he left the session with my psychiatrist, the doctor talked to my mom, he was surprised and told her that her ex husband(my dad) had the perfect life. That he was the perfect person, the perfect father, the perfect job and was such a charismatic person. My dad managed to even fool the psychiatrist into thinking he was the perfect human being so that the doctor wouldn’t blame him for my depression. That was the only reason he went to meet him.
Yes, I had one. My natural father then he married a codependent my mom who died. Then I went to live with his brother a codependent who was married to a narcissist/ psychopath. All the families intermarried other narcisdist/psychopath family systems. There was crime, rewriting history, scapegoating, lying, incest, pernigraphy, perversion, just so much victimization and abuse. Then the scapegoat or codependent only attracts psychopaths. One suggestion is to discuss brain disregulation as that is how the psychopath sees the empathy or codependent- brain if both is distegulated. The empathy feels too much while the psychopath feels nothing. I even think that there are dark empaths who can go back and forth between the two. This is what twin flames are I think. Very scary stuff and hard to confront.
Maybe the stress early in life drains empathy like a gas tank I certainly don't have any anymore not ashamed just not there so many wrongs can't be fixed ...I think all of us are born with it but when beaten out its just used up .
Wow it is shocking how archetypal it is. You are so accurate, @11:36 is so important! It's what allowed the evil to exist because there was a denial of its existence out of a convenience to 'keep the peace'. How ironic we fulfil the dreams of a psychopath to keep the peace.
Psychos don't have empath for their children
Very true. They don't have the capacity.
True 😢
Yes the emotional incest is exactly what it was. People would as if I was 'parent's' wife. Even my sister would say that 'parent' treats me like the wife/mother. When I got my first long distance boyfriend, I felt like I had to ask them permission to meet him for the first time...at age 22...when I asekd my 'parent' , they said "What do WE know of him?" as if he had to approve me visiting him. and then deal with the idea that I had to share my feelings/attention/time between the two.
Thank you for saying they may as well be dead and validating that Im not a terrible person thinking that in my situation. I'd rather collect social security on him and have my younger childs memories of the family now before he truly has to see more destructive, sadist behavior. Right now he hangs in his room but still the effects have destroyed me and doesnt allow me to be the best mother I want bc things are sabotaged or I have to live in fight or flight situation feeling no comfort while hes home. There is only so much I can say before my child realizes the truth and I will not gaslight him or lie. He is now seeing the alcohol and daddy kissing other girls and how he doesnt even validate my feelings or walks away when I talk to him. My 7 yr old told his dad it was rude the other day and is noticing dad forgets alot or lies. He also blameshifts on the 7 yr old at times when he neglects to do basic parenting needs like make hims brush his teeth and bought an iPhone for him! Also as harsh at it is to admit, I would rather get monthly payments from social security even if it was less and not have to deal with this divorce/child support issues. To think to have to leave my kid alone with his father for visit after we break up is much more easy and comforting than the fact he will gaslight me, not probably be dependable for the child support and deal with his controlling superficial using my child as a tool for his egotism in a never ending emotional abuse cycle. Not to mention the not being there as a role model father type. At this point my child has more emotional intelligence than him sadly.
The words you use are more of a shock that shows myself & siblings have no idea about these topics that desperately needs attention because of the decades these experiences have been ignored unintentionally for such a long period of time.
Thanks for sharing
My father is a narcissistic sociopath. I cut all contact with 6 years ago and it was the best decision I made.
Totally understand! Sometimes that is the only sane way forward.
You are the most informative, helpful channel I’ve come across yet. You smash so much into one video, things I’ve questioned for 27 years. God bless you and thank you. I thank god for you.
😊💖 Thank you so much for these humbling words. God bless you too.
I am in the middle of writing a letter to my psychopathic father who has never taken accountability for his actions. I have recently stopped talking to him and now I am about to mail him this letter explaining why. God help me. 🙏🏽
Wow! Thank you for sharing. This sounds like liberation for sure. Prepare, if you haven't already, for his response or lack thereof. Either way, you're making a very bold step!
Don't waste your time. He'll wipe his butt with it. I don't think it's bad (depending on "level of disease" or whatever) to try to keep in touch -but *do it from afar.* These aren't criminally-minded mean people who can "heal" in ANY way. Don't expect it. *If psychopath, then no accountability possible.* I'm sorry.
But you can learn more about it and how to deal with your end of it, and yeah: be kind to him if you can. But don't expect him to have any ability to empathize. (I don't "hate" people; I'm just being real: p.paths can and do ACT well, and most do it all the time, but deep down, there is zero ability to empathize. Even with meds and "therapy". Actually, you might get yourself in some danger if you list off bad actions you think he should feel accountable for. Keep that letter for yourself.)
My dad (42 years old) dumped my mum after 18 years of marriage because of 20 years old girl that just ended her high school. Now she lives with us. I have 5 siblings and we want our mum back . Also he's is psychopat but that's other very long story.
That's terrible. I'm sorry. To move her in is a tragedy. Fate will correct the situation. She will lose interest, because of his age, and move on.
Repulsive!!! Run!!!
Psychopaths are soul murders.
What about sadistic fathers? I never see anything about them. It’s good to hear about psychopathic fathers, I have found very little on the topic. It’s always about narcissists.
@@lhj276 my brother did too. He has ASPD. I loved him when I was a child, but he became a monster 🥲
ugh. i can’t believe this is my life now. watching these videos obsessively and spiraling over my dads behavior. 😢
Life can sucks, really a lot. It can be so fucking difficult to escape to this clamp that's tightening around you, that never left you, that has been there all your life, since you were born, that you are not even able to recognise. When you start to see it, it's even more painful, you start to listen to yourself, you fight to escape. It's time to create something new, free from all of this pain and suffering.
I'm so sorry. It's so very clear to me that you have experienced this and are hurting because of it. This is a long long journey toward healing. I hope you are talking to someone or at least have supportive people around you. It can sometimes get easier the further along on this journey you go and as you understand more and more.
thank you so much for your videos. currently in the process of getting justice for the torture I endured from my undiagnosed aspd father. your videos are so informative and easy to understand
You're welcome!! I'm very glad these videos have been helpful.
Take care of yourself. I hope justice is served.
Deceased is a refreshing thought
Yeah, I think so too. These folks will never change. And if they do go to therapy, they'll just manipulate the whole system. 😔
Thanks for the information... would like to understand why the mother in this toxic family is succumbed to the abuse and won't choose to leave for the sake of the damage and safety of her children 💔 😢
Because she probably believed the bad things the abuser said about her until it wore her down and she lost her self esteem. That is what happened to my Mom from my Dad's treatment of her. She would have been so much healthier had she left him but he kept threatening to take us, her children, from her. He made more money so she was scared that that could happen.
@@debbietownsend1673 that was me that mum until I knew if I didn’t leave there wouldn’t be anything left or any of us left, his tried to take the kids and I’m still fighting 4 years latter but we are free after 20 years of abuse ♥️
Usually npd people attract hpd people and vice versa. In which case the hpd mom would see the female child as competition and create a female oedipus complex(forgot the actual name of it).
This is what Ive learned to be true from my experience. Thejr traits coexist in one another and get enmeshed. So you get a psychopathjc dad with narcissistic tendencies and a histrionic mom with narcissistic tendencies.
In short, its hell for the kids.
i wish i saw this video sooner emotional incest is exactly the words i was needing to learn about that's exactly how to describe it.
Father's aspd behaviours: Trouble with discipline at a young age, calling his own young children stupid, cheated on mother multiple times, viewing women as sexual objects & hatred for women, manipulative behaviour, inability to understand basic concepts of child and human development, what's normal vs what he believes should be the way things are, preying on and hatred of anyone struggling in life rather than offering compassion and support, extremely selfish, physical violence towards young teenage daughter include chocking and punching in the face, insults, refusal to support education for women, no boundaries, hatred of anyone not wanting to engage in his manipulative game and resentment and payback for things adult children did as kids (ex. walking with shoes in the home), problems with the law, lifestyle aligned with motorcycle gangs, guns and other questionable lifestyle yet putting on a "facade" of being a perfect father, blaming abused victims and zero accountability of his own actions, abandonment, gaslighting and jealousy.
This is my Father with the exception of sexual abuse. This is very revealing.
Great video. Thanks for uploading. Needed for many.
You're welcome!! Glad this was helpful.
I thought my father was a vulnerable narc. Then a malignant. Then I realized he is actually a phychopath. In the past, during a fight, he literally tried to strangle me.
I'm so sorry. That's terrifying. These kind of father's are best left alone...if you can free yourself of them.
Yep same
My mother said she knew what my father was doing was wrong...but, she was afraid of him...a successful business man, alcoholic.
Thanks Tamara for responding to my comments I appreciate that👍
No problem 😊
Your so smart, this video helped better than other ones👍💯
I really appreciate this video. It is spot on to what I experienced. Any other videos describing such a thing are usually caricatures and destructive in their exaggerated oversimplifications.
You're so welcome! Glad this was helpful to you.
Great, informative video. Weldone Tamara and thanks.
My pleasure! And thank you!
Thank you. This was very helpful!
You're welcome! And thank you.
Thank you for this video. I’ve been trying to comprehend my ex partner who is also the father of my daughter. I have next to zero contact with him although we are legally required to coparent which has been a nightmare. I’m trying to prepare myself so that I can support my daughter until she reaches the age of 18 and her relationship with him becomes entirely her choice. What resonated the most with me was your use of the word “slide”. That’s exactly how the sexual abuse was perpetrated against me. They chip away at your boundaries and keenly manipulate you and by the time you realise what’s going on, you are in so deep and totally groomed. I got out when my daughter was 3 and he started to sexually abuse me in front of her. I escaped, but sadly family law keeps my daughter there so all I can do is support her and provide her with a loving and safe space for when she comes home.
What a horrible human being!!!!! I am so sorry you have and are experiencing this.
Don’t stop fighting the family court, I’m going up again taking 3 contravenes to protect my babies
Reading the comments I think there needs to be a video reviewing the diagnostic criteria for ASPD vs NPD. People diagnosing their father with ASPD and it sounds like NPD. Lots of crossover between the two and sometimes both diagnoses but they each have distinct diagnostic criteria.
I am 99% sure my father was/is a psychopath or a malignant narcissist. He did all of these things. question, would a person like this make you think they might have sexually abused you just to see you have an attack? I began having weird body memories years ago and last time I saw him my body was so afraid of him and he almost smiled when asking if somebody did something to me...and then proceeded to say very inappropriate things regarding a father daughter relationship that were triggering. I still remember it but can't believe what was said.
Yes. Very probable he would mess with your head only to feel mirth.
Furthermore, phychopathic fathers are very posessive of their daughters especislly the attractive ones. My father acted like a jeslous boyfriend in my late teens- early 20s
Your father is an awful and sick human being. I send you positive energy on your healing journey.
This is good. I had to rewatch 🤓
Tamara!!!! your amazing!!
Thanks Nikki!! 🙂
@@TherapistTamaraHill I have a question but cant post here. It regarding this video
okay NVM you have answer the question in the video I had to listen to it again to make sure.
😁👍👍
I was raised in the environment you described, minus sexual abuse. My father would lock our dogs in steel cages and beat them. I watched the dogs scream as he repeatedly hit them until he was exhausted. I've seem him hit my mother, hold knives to her throat and threaten to kill us all if she left, he has bash down locked doors with his bare hands trying to get to us, and he would drink himself close to death. He would punch me to the ground and kick me in face and body when I fell. He had my brother so frightened that he would urinate himself and hide in his room. He also worked harder than anyone I've ever known
When you say they are lucky to survive due to the severity of their abuse, I once held a loaded spear gun towards the door as he bashed it down with steel bars while screaming he was going to kill us. The police arrived. If they didn't, a 12 year old boy would have killed his father.
My childhood seems a distant memory but I can never completely rid myself of the feelings of helplessness, and the intense emotional pain I endured for the first 14 years of my life has altered my presuppositions. Do these individuals deserve to die? No. Such a suggestion lacks empathy and compassion, by definition, it is somewhat psychopathic itself. Should we allow them to harm others? No. Same reason.
Can they be helped? Not by me at this point as I lack the nessesary skills to do so. That said, I believe they can but not knowing how doesnt mean we should stop looking for the solution.
Hi Tamara. Found your channel today and happily subscribed. I'm studying paternal sociopathy in relationship with daughters. Hoping I find some info here. Love your style.
Thank you Ali!! Welcome!!
Thank you.
You're welcome!
Thank you!
You're welcome!
Thank You so much🫀
You’re welcome 😊
The false personas make it so difficult. He’d do some random cool stuff like get me a game console. Then he’d also do narcotics as a pharmacist and abuse my mom without remorse or apology so 🤷🏻♂️
I'm glad you mentioned this and I'm sorry you had to experience this "black and white" disposition. These kinds of parents do what's called "grooming." They make you feel good and loved, while also knowing they are getting ready to do damage.
My father is a psychopath and I've hated him since I was a small child. My mother and siblings are all totally screwed up probably for life. Mother is in complete denial, an almost lunatic desperate denial. I barely managed to escape with my sanity but his poisonous existence has damaged me and many people on this earth.
Thank you for this video. I have been wondering if my dad is like this? He smokes a lot and he use to drink a lot. When he use to drink a lot he use to get really angry and mean. He has a really hot temper too. It use to scare the hell out of me, coming home to that. When I was old enough to leave my parents. I did! I packed my shit and left them. Everything is all about him and no one else matters to him. Our relationship is very one sided and I hate it. I want to figure out a way to completely cut my parents off of my life for good. They make me feel like I need to bow to their will all the time and I'm just over it. What can I do? To leave for good? When I'm away from them I feel so much better and healthier.
He told me today if it wasn’t illegal he would kill me. This is not the first incident of violence of course
That is HORRIFIC. Not the first time I have heard this. I'm sorry.
Wow, thanks for the honesty.
You're welcome and tyank you!
@@TherapistTamaraHill As a child, I felt completely isolated and knew that no one would understand or believe me if I told how my father was. You told it like it is, which many people find hard to believe. Thank you again.
Edit: My father was also very charming and excelled in sales.
My father wasnt charming or sophisticated. I dont think he cared if he was percieved as popular or not. He didnt care. Never spoke badly of others because i believe it wasnt something he cared enough about. He had a middle class job and he wasnt goal orientated or "driven" he did his job and ended up retiring earlier than he should of because hes lazy and parasitic. My father did a lot of things for me as a child as in taking me places that were fun and teaching me awesome things like body boarding. My mother who is NPD was more emotional incest than my father. My father literally just existed with me like I was a roommate. Interesting to watch this though.😊
💔💔 I believe my birth father is a narcissist and my step father was a psychopath.
That's awful. Surrounded.
Támara Hill, MS NCC CCTP LPC Actually,not so bad,taught me who to avoid.❤️
That's so true. It's a worthwhile lesson for the longterm.
Can god tell me why there are soooo many psychopathic people in the world? Before I was born, my father ran away with his mother and younger siblings from his own abusive father. My father had been a smart and hardworking successful business man, he dedicated himself to help his mom, siblings, his wife and 6 children. Since we were kids, we never saw one smile on his face, he never joked or small talked with us, the only time he talked to us was when he checked our school cards, he would beat 3 of us up since the other 3 did well at school. I'd never dared to talk to him about anything, basically i was mute when he was around. He disliked me the most coz I was scared and I didn't talk, he always said I was stupid. when I was 12, I failed grade 6, he was so angry so he grabbed my hair and punched my face, kicked my head, I started bleeding and lying on the floor like a injured dog, he started hitting me with a stick. I could not get up for 2 days, my face and lips were all swollen. When I became a teenager, things got a bit better coz I got taller than him and I didn't fail school although I didn't do well. I hated school coz I believed what my dad said that I was stupid and I was not good at school. My father started having mistress when I was 13, he and my mother fought sometimes, he even brought a women home a few years later, my older said no, so he put that women somewhere else, he had 2 babies with that mistress and expected us to treat them like sisters. He didn't care about my mom and our feelings. later, he had a second mistress and other 2 children. He sent my mom and us to another country to live. I am a 40 years old married man with 2 children. I struggled to finish high school and University coz I found out I was not stupid at all, in fact people told me I was kinda smart, however, I never had big ambition coz I had low self-worthness. My father still dislike me coz out of his 6 children, I am the only one ever and still disagree with him on things, my other siblings are "smarter" that they respect him as he is the "dictator, galaxy leader, king" even he still upsets my mom sometimes. I have a cross-culture marriage, my father said my wife's ethnicity women are gold diggers, and he asked me if my kids are really my won kids, although he knows my wife is a teacher and she makes good money. I appreciate my father did his best to raise us, we never lacked in food and education, I don't blame him that he didn't know how to show love to us coz he didn't have a normal father neither, he only finished 6th grade , but he really doesn't have empathy for my mom and other people, he only believes in money, he even tried to teach me that pride is useless, money and power first, he also taught me how to manipulate women and people, I didn't listen and he said I was stupid and naive, BTW, I am Asian and this kind of father seems to be more common in 'some' Asian countries.
I suffered, even when i am healthy. I suffered because of their behaviours and went spiral emotionally downward. And started to become someone i am not. I became very cold and mean
Yeap my father was a psychopath
🤷♀️
I think my dad is psycho, so is my relatives and anyone around here, they invade my life and never have much emotion hurt animals and show no empathy, and very inappropriate remarks. Huge enger outbursts and mean things to say, rigid, irritable controlling and hateful .
Manipulates others against me, triangulates, chameleon like, confusing behaviours. I feel devastated from all this. I dont know why this is happening. Or maybe i am just awakening TO THE REALITY AND TRUTH.
Thank you could you please make a video on step father military and half brother all drinkers
Deep. Sounds like dad and later on step dad. Smdh
I'm sorry. This is tough for children, especially male children.
Thank you for the breakdown of characteristics of a father who is psychopathic. My son is 16 and has been with him since he was 6 and won’t let me see him and changes the rules of the court visit order to fit his needs how do I educate myself and help my son in the future
Yes, you're welcome.
Very tough situation. I'm sorry.
That one was a little hard to watch. Too close to home.
Yes. I'm sure. It is a hard topic.
I have a question for you.If you've done a video on it please point me in the right direction? What do you think about repressed memories? My Dad died in 2018. My youngest sister has since been saying she has been having flashback images of his genetilia. I know he was verbally sexually abusive to me, telling me the details of his sex life. She was the youngest. He used to go in her room at night for a few minutes. She was 8. She started sleep walking and sleep eating. Does that track. Yes, he was a narc, psychopath, you described him to a T.
@@stillToxed2loss I am soooooo sorry I missed this!👀 Here's a video that may help czcams.com/video/jDRM__MkRQI/video.html
RFS
He's retiring for the second time, work obsessed - and I'm nervous about how he's going to be now going forward. I think he also may have dissociative identity disorder.
I'm sorry.
You may be right. Some people do have both diagnoses. A psychopath is someone with a personality disorder such as antisocial personality disorder or narcissistic personality disorder. DID is a mental illness that that encompasses both personality and distortion of reality, of self, and others. There is a definite overlap here.
Do they lie to cover up other lies? Or interfere with there child’s relationships?
Absolutely! Nothing is off limits for this kind of father. See my most recent video on borderline mother, narcissistic father for a bit more information on this parent.
@@TherapistTamaraHill Thank you I’ll look into it. I feel hopeless
Can i ask, my father is psychopath and sociopath...can i get it from him? Im worried about this...i did get away from home when i was 15 years old i realy had a tough time with him. Now i am 33 years old and i havent spoken to him for 18 years. But i do worry if its genetic?
If you are worried about being like him it's likely you are not. Cause it seems like you are an empathetic person. Psychopaths don't have any emotions.
You can try to take a test online, but I doubt that you are the same.
Please make a video for steps dads and on top of it he is foreign
Sexual Abuse.
both of my parents are psychopaths - lucky me
I'm sorry.
@@TherapistTamaraHill god bless you for your work keep it up and thank you. 🙏🏼🕊️🌹🌈🐬💓🌟✝️
You're welcome. And thank you! God bless you too. Glad to have you on the channel.
This was my birth father, and he went so far as to kill two of my pets when I was in middle school. My birth mother was just as bad, but she never sexually abused me. This video helped me realise this and now I'm fuming!
I'm sorry.😔
My father is a sociopath and my mother is schizophrenic. My first memory of him was when I was 2 or 3 verbally abusing my mother and encouraging us to do the same and he would laugh at humiliating her. I would protect her and he would from then on just attack me broth physically or verbally but most of the time just neglect my existence. When I was 13 years old, he would come to the bathroom as I'm taking a shower and struggle with the door to open it holding a knife. I felt so humiliated as I would curl up in a ball to cover my body as he's standing there holding a knife and blaring horrible things to me. He even sat me down one time and told me about a story of a father who raped his daughter. That was sooooo eerie and weird. I can go on and on. He also locked me away in a room for a whole summer and threatened to kill me if he saw me because he went through my diary and read that I had some emotions for some guy. He threatened to kill me many times. He would kill pets or stay dogs with no mercy or regret. He would be serving to strangers but neglectful of our needs. So people would always think the problem is us. I'm now suffering of BPD, I had to run away from the house because it was unbelievable unbearable. The daily verbal abuse, the constent anxiety and stress. Yeah and he would always pray on the weekest person in sight. Would laugh and rejoice at the suffering of others wether emotional or physical. I have no contact with him, never had. But now he's talking to me to ask for favors. If he dies, the only negative thing about it is that he would no longer provide for my mother. That's about the only downside of it.
My father was a straight charming psychopath. He had a beautiful smile and so much charm that it would literally take you to cloud nine just for him to watch you crash and burn. However he was very cold and mean and volatile even with police once that switch flipped. It could switch at any moment.
My father NEVER physically harmed but he did hold us hostage for 8 hours because he wanted to kill my mother
My mother was a sociopath. May they both rest in peace but it's because of them I'm going to school to be a psychiatrist. All my life I watched and suffered at the hands of people like this. I don't resent them I've forgiven them however i know too many people that got parents like this.
The last words my father told me was he was going to call me back to chase some skirt (woman). He was a womanizer🤷🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️. I never got to talk to him again. Writing that made me realize another woman was more important at that time. Humph.
I'm so sorry to hear this. This is never easy to deal with, especially when father's are to be our protectors and our strength. He sounds extremely unstable. Men like this often do -- as you point out -- become romantic partners to sociopaths.
Wishing you all the best on your journey.
@@TherapistTamaraHill he was. You never knew when the conversation would turn left. He's resting in peace now. I'm grateful he's at rest. He was in a lot of mental pain.
Hi Tamara
Is it possible to conect with you?
i am a heyoka and my ex is a psychopath. we have two children and i feel things i don't know how to deal with. in the county where i live they do nothing. they still see him as the good dad. i am exhausted and i need help, and i don't do that very often 🙏
Hi there patty, I am sorry I missed this comment. Yes, you can contact me at the email in the description box contact@anchoredinknowledge.com. I can offer a consultation for us to talk if needed. Take care
Hey, K.A.S., you gonna watch this? 🤷♀️
My father is one...I still love him though...#Fathersday
#SonsDontDoWhatDaughtersDo
I think it's okay to still love your dad. You don't have to stop loving him just because he is unhealthy or toxic. I do suggest in this video that moving away from these people, especially if they do damage to your life and emotional well-being, is often the wisest thing to do.