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Why you must NEVER talk openly to a Narcissist
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- čas přidán 14. 09. 2019
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"You don't engage in sincere communication with the insincere".. that's advice i needed to take.
Spoiled liars are win lose in a zero sum game and rely on people walking on eggshells. Philip zombardo encourages people to reason together and hold others accountable for lying. The whole thug game is cognitive distortions and logical fallacies.
I'm gonna tattoo that on my arm.
I didn't know what they were. So this advice is late
@@Hyacinth600 ..same here.
The smear campaign is brutal and relentless. Publicly humiliate is their goal and to isolate you. I'm the outsider I'm the phyco etc.. That's okay just because people call me that doesn't actually make me that :).
2:42 "I don't care what his childhood trauma is--it's not relevant to you... You didn't raise him. You're not his mom. He's not your responsibility. He is a damaged guy who is abusive." Powerful words! Thank you Richard!
I said this to a colleague about somebody we both know: It's not my job to fix them. Anyway they don't want to be fixed. They actually think their flaws are strengths!
My sentiments and experience exactly.
My ex narc in a nutshell 😄 sad
Waters Above very well said!!!!!
Bravo Richie !!!!!
Absolutely fantastic line “Don’t talk to them, Handle them” love it
So much truth in movies.... the reason you handle him is because he’s a demon
I had to learn the hard way! But it’s so hard because my dad, the one who raised me with my codependent mother, goes from being this insincerely generous person to being his true manipulative abusive self. I had to break away from it all. I couldn’t take it anymore. I’m doing much better now but it’s still hard. He’s still in my life sometimes. I wanna change that.
gypsy 1999 yes its better to stay away as they switch moods according their desire and in all ways person means no shit to them,thats how they are self centred
@@gypsy-nr9zd
I wish you courage and fortitude!
Getting it handled.
"You are under attack. You have the right to remain stoic. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a fit of narcissistic rage."
- Narc Miranda Rights
Jeffrey Sherman Well said!
Yes extremely cool Stoic is key, that was well phrased I will quote that.
That's just excellent. I've been the natural prey of these people for all but the past 10 years. They nearly destroyed me. I wish I'd understood that when I was 17.
Nailed it!!!
This video is epic!
Narcissist will twist everything you say to them and try to make you look stupid. It's just best to totally avoid them and take your losses.
It's like breathing to them
I agree with you, yet I am very doubtfull whether I should leave or not since, in my case, it's my mother.
@@kimberlyceulemans6015 In your case you will have to cut off all unnecessary contact and leave it as that. A narcissist has no limits and will destroy you and your life at all costs. It's better to eliminate them from your life as much as you can. Make any excuse to limit your contact as much as you possibly can.
@Nickolas W It's not even worth the time to talk to a narcissist. They are literally stuck in their own false reality. You might as well talk to a tree or a rock. At least the tree or rock won't try and screw you over.
@Bob More LMBO..... Laughing because healing from this kind of insane experience takes finding some humor in it for sure
Literally everything you say is taken down and used against you. Took me years to realise that the fake charm was just a tool used to open me up emotionally.
Oh yes the FAKE CHARM!! BEWARE!! THEY ARE DANGEROUS!!
@@godswarrior1239 arent they? Sitting there, all attentive and interested. Next opportunity they get, bam. You're defending yourself against an attack using the very information they extracted. Its exhausting. But if you dont give them the info, they sense the change and explode anyway. Lose-lose.
@@mandyl7071 true that because they will look for or cause any thing to blow to get their SUPPLY. it is LOSE-LOSE with them always! so best is NC!!
@@mandyl7071 This is true. Which is why, we need to train ourselves to not reveal too much about ourselves. I know it's difficult, especially when "trust" has been established, but we have to be wary. I've learned to not divulge pertinent info about myself (at least not quickly). And to pay attention to signs, red flags, and trust my gut
@@blaxpoitation8528 I'm getting better too. I hope. Genuinely first Narc I've ever met, and totally blindsided me. I'm just hoping to be better at heeding the warning signs from now on.
You summed it up nicely. You handle them. Because if you talk to them they use it against you. Everything with a Narcissist is a transaction
Isochest thank you for the reminder. Transaction.
Isochest so very correct ....... haha nicely said.......
I had to learn the hard way! But it’s so hard because my dad, the one who raised me with my codependent mother, goes from being this insincerely generous person to being his true manipulative abusive self. I had to break away from it all. I couldn’t take it anymore. I’m doing much better now but it’s still hard. He’s still in my life sometimes. I wanna change that.
OMG you’re right-transactions
Transaction...lightbulb moment!!
"You don't talk to him. You handle him. You don't talk to him anymore, those days are gone. He is just something to be handled. He is a poisonous snake. You put your gloves on first and you work very very carefully around him." YES! This is the bottom line truth. Thank you!
I know very well said ! Hearing this makes so much sense , and now i know better than to engage period!
Amen
WOW. I have to go away and think this over... Keep tour enemies closer🙂
*your
Imagine being adopted by two damaged, narcissistic parents! When I was 16 I hit the road and escaped with enough sanity to make a fresh start. That was over 30 years ago and I am just now able to put the pieces together and come to a place of happiness and serenity.
Pilgrim777 Enjoy every minute of your well deserved happiness. 😊
It's people like you who comment on video's like this who inspire me the most. I am 18yo, and I have been thinking about leaving my mother behind bc of her narcisism. Yet I don't dare to do it bc I don't feel like I deserve it and I will leave my sisters there as well. I hope it has a positive effect on them, that they see that it is possible to get away, but I am scared for what they will do when mother gets angry at them before they see the oppertunity...
I am very happy you are doing better! I hope to be where you are one day ^^
Good for you! I wish I had the wisdom to do so when I was 16 ... But the age 41 is not too late!
My brother and I were adopted by a narc mother from Edna Gladney in Texas. I'm sure she loved telling everyone how altruistic she was for "saving us".
God bless you and all of the trauma that you have gone through. I am glad that you are able to put the pieces together now that happened to you. God speed to your healing.
The Hannibal Lecter analogy is spot on for narcissists.
“You handle them like a dangerous snake.”
That’s great advice and very true.
"you have the right to remain silent. anything you say can and WILL be used against you"
It sure will. There is no dirty trick they would not pull on you.
Love this video never tell a narcissist what your achievements or your plans are for the future they will only try to sabotage it very envious evil ppl.
"Don't engage in sincere communication with the insincere."
That’s right. Don’t do it. Not for politeness, not for their deathbed, not for $1M dollars. Never.
Serial killers are also extremely charming (when they want to be), and often you don't know what you are dealing with till it's too late.
They have to lure you in and get you in a vulnerable position to strike. Same with narcs.......I prefer the Grey Rock method.....not only are you careful, you give them no emotion to feed off.
For the first couple of months after I left my narc wife, she would give me some leftovers like Christmas dinners and Thanksgiving. I threw it away everytime just in case she poisoned the food. Was not gonna take any chances, they are dangerous
Truth
@@Markus-gf7su Damn, it's a good thing you got out!
My ex sent home buns with the kids for me and I threw them out.
A damaged guy who is abusive... he is not a child, he is a dangerous man. Don't talk to him HANDLE HIM.
I have seen the video too
@@kadajnoir7369 It's a good video, and I really love the strength of that phrase - Handle Him !
anything you give will be weaponised
He loved when I called him „boy“. thanks for your words! he is not a boy he is an abusive man. A dangerous man.
Thats really strange
Mine told me in the beginning to just treat him like one of my kids. Also told me how much I reminded him of his mom. Wish I knew then what I know now....would have ran for the hills
@@kittycaruso50 my relationship was so messed up😄 he had mommy issues and I had daddy issues and mommy issues😰 not a good combo
Fact is though he is a boy as he hasn’t grown up (arrested development )
Christ, this got me within the first 30 seconds. When he said (I paraphrase) any information you give them will be used against you, that is absolutely my experience with my mother - I have never had a therapist say she is a narcissist but everything I hear about how they operate is spot on. But it took me yrs to learn to put up some very strict boundaries between us and one of them was never, ever to tell her anything personal because it would absolutely be used to verbally cain me later. Again, he said it beautifully, she is something to be handled, she’s a poisonous snake so put your gloves on. I still slip up occasionally, even at the age of 50, but I am so quickly reminded of why I shouldn’t as something I said is used to criticise and put me down. The difference now is I don’t take it personally, it is her problem, her rage, not my shame or shortcomings as a person.
You're not alone there....
Go no contact.....
I keep thinking there's got 2b a way 2 get thru to her. I continue to prove Dr. Ramani right every time. I'm still not quite completely convinced, I've got a couple more things I wanna try. Just found out I can call the police next time she starts threatening to throw all my things outside and they'll come deal with her. I didn't know I could do that. It might be the one thing that will at least make her behave herself until I find a place. 🤞 I can't tell if she has OCPD or if she's the self-righteous narcissist type. 🤔
Yes, and I always counter act my mother negative abusive responses, by letting her know that I’m okay with my flaws, and still see myself as a wonderful person. She hates that… my strength to calmly stand up for myself.😊
Amen ❤
This is the best summary I've heard. Don't baby step, run! Once they are in your head, if they are not taken into an institution or a prison, they will not stop messing with you. Some people say they do not ever stop.
I didn't realize until unusual comments starting popping up like... he said, "what is an El Camino?"... and didn't know there are cameras that can take photos under water... he must have been institutionalized for a long long time?
@@pspcraft they have those cameras at the resorts in Mexico, too, where they get the young women to do under water bikini bottom swaps with their boyfriends trunks. Anyway, there's been under water cameras for years. We used to use them going gold dredging, have a lot of under water pictures. El Camino is where we used to cruise when First Street was closed down.
@@pspcraft I'm subscribing to your page. Yes, I think he was institutionalized for a long time. Not long enough, obviously.
@@brusselsprout5851 Hilarious "Not long enough"... still chuckling.
@@pspcraft I'm kind of chuckling too. Relieved ….sort of.....
Facts. This is the sister I had to grow up with. I finally went no contact this year.
Good! Keep it.
I was forced to do the same with my mother and my brother (her supply and "golden child"). Stay strong. You will be happier free of her.
Same here! The sister. Enjoy your freedom, love yourself, and never tell her anything about your life! I moved many states away and doing great w/out the mind games.
I also loved, “You didn’t raise him; he’s not your responsibility.” That one statement helps me more than anything in terms of where I am in my healing. I’ve been no contact for 9 months, but still feel sad about his childhood abuse. I can let that go, finally. Thank you, Richard.
Gina -- That's their #1 tool used to manipulate you -- the pity play! Instead, every time you feel sorry for him... do something good for yourself. Do "self care" on yourself. That has helped me to get my head and thinking right. They will drain you of life itself, if you let them.
Uuuurrrgghh! I hate that narcissists make (the victim) feel that you cannot be honest & sincere (which are positive traits, which decent people will respect) Thats the real evil i think, how they affect/infect others with their poison
So true, so enlightening, I have struggled with this paranoia of if I'm being sincere with the right individuals, and or if they appreciate it after The narc experience.
Yes so true I am also in a situation of triangulation so I have to be very careful of what comes out of my mouth even still he will just make up things so it doesn’t even work that well , I’m trying to get out and will always see the world a whole different way now
Dawn Turner "handling" the narcissist is the only way to be true to yourself. You can't live in their crazy and the real world at the same time.
Remember also tho that if you are dealing with an unenlightened individual who DOES NOT understand the power of their own thought and intent, you will also have to deal with them in a similar way until you can enlighten them of the power that they bring down upon themselves with their own negativity every waking moment.
I realized this recently...
I like to relax around ppl, i hate having to keep my guard up all the time, it's exhausting to have to defend myself energetically and i don't like having to lock myself away just to recharge my batteries... it stops me from being open with ppl, it stops the free flow and exchange of ideas and certain ones can kinda pick up that ur hiding something and u know it.
And i hate picking up their feelings like little pebbles in my shoes and not realizing that the irritation in my foot which is now making me limp and almost cry, wasn't even mine.
But it just seems to be the way it is... until i can figure out more anyway :/
@@barbarapope349 The day we truly lost our innocence is the day we realized how much evil the world contains...
That's what Adam and Eve found out too.
And if you ask ppl what their fondest memory was from their whole lives so far, they will often cite something from childhood, while they were still innocent, before they discovered that evil existed... :(
If you talk openly to a narcissist the damage they can do even holding onto information you forgot you told them will be something they will Ruin You with
Sadly, I'm 38 having trouble learning this hard & valuable lesson.
be thankful you learned at such a young age
@@georgestobbart4894 Yep
I'm 35 my friend. Dont be hard on yourself. Its amazing how it gets better. At the exact point where i am getting quite better, she shows up with a good ol' trick of hers... and i didn't fell. And it still affected me. But now its only negative. So its easier to move away. Take good care of yourself. :-)
I see my ex as a demon. I was 42...9 years ago when I stumbled on Sam vaknin. It took me up to 49 to actually leave. In between was hell. Be strong. I got back to Christianity and I see them as demons. It entered the house each time usually on a full or New moon. Predictable.
That's because a normal person does not spend their wakeful lives attempting to make other people mere physical extensions of themselves. Where do they get the energy to pull so many strings all day long?
So glad that you raised the Good Girl phenomenon as that's part of what attracts predators TO us! This is my toxic, narcissistic sister-in-law who hated me from the moment she and my brother started dating because he and I had been very close and that was a threat to her. Now he's Stockholmed and in order to prevent her from having more ammunition, I've had to lose him, too. Totally tragic, but I cannot handle willingly giving her even more ammo to poison people against me. Her hatred for me is diabolical and unyielding. So I concur: ANY contact = opportunities for more abuse. Thank you!
Same - with a female relative too
@@juliahfl
Sorry that you can relate. Facing hate is no joke! Even combat vets try to avoid it in war --- it's that toxic.
Best advice ever: "You don't talk to him. You handle him." I've made the mistake of losing sight of this. Even after I realized I was dealing with someone who was really bad for me, I thought I could deal with it and not allow it to affect me. I learned that you can't. The advice of handling this person as you would a venomous snake is probably the best advice I've gotten. You treat the person you are dealing with as much care as you would anything that was dangerous to you. It can save your life and at the very least spare your sanity, your self confidence and your bank account.
I love the inclusion of scenes from silence of the lambs. This reinforces that narcissists can be very dangerous, therefore we victims must never drop the ball. Ever.
@@annekerotterdam7499 All psychopaths are narcissists. I was using my reference of admiration in a generalised state, that we must be cautious of giving away personal information too soon. The NPD can be just as dangerous as a psychopath.
Anneke Rotterdam from my understanding all psychopaths have NPD but those with NPD are not all psychopaths. NPD is an actual diagnosis while having narcissistic traits is not necessarily a disorder. They’re an evil bunch and not the type of people to have in your life, unfortunately my learning was a dangerous curve but am out the other side now. I don’t say this lightly when it was a video of Richards that saved my life. For any of those reading and you’re in a toxic relationship - get out. Plan your escape, personal safety is paramount and don’t be fooled. After you leave can be the most dangerous time, the abuser can pretend to be remorseful simply to gain trust and this is when you can be harmed. Never believe the abuser. Your life matters.
He has me trapped financially, I need help and money for an education to get away. This is harder than I thought. Thank you Richard.
As a disabled person, I tolerated my narc husband for too long. He had me convinced that I would never make it without him. He nearly killed me, broke me financially. But he couldn't kill my spirit!
I was terrified to leave. I did and I don't regret it. My sanity is priceless compared to what I lived through!
@@travis7613 no she must have married some "good guy" who promised her a "decent life" with "strong family values" so... Why work or even follow her education while she can be educated by reading books and raise happy kids?
Once they got you, everything becomes a "lifetime" bargain... For people, you can look rich but trust me, you'll bargain even for a bag of coffee.
Then divorce... Where to go? Who's gonna "accept" her?
You should get out of your community and see how people live elsewhere AND whe' they're from different cultures... You'll think twice before saying such crap.
Okay so you need a skill. Any skill, just get it and get out. Even if it means you will be poor and live on the floor. It will not last and you will be safer and able to grow.
I don't know where you are now, what situation you are in. If it is the same or worse, I'm sure the advice would be to get to a woman's shelter. I know the thought is scary, but there you will find safety and guidance toward finding a way to support yourself. Yes, it is hard, but you will grow strong and conquer what is hard. No one deserves the control of a partner who's only means of feeling accomplished is to bully them. I wish you a better future.
@@travis7613 Such a callous response. She could be disabled from him, yet you refer to her as a gold digger? It's bloody 'science'. Get over yourself
‘Don’t talk to them. Handle them’. Actually harder than you think. Going no contact saved my sanity. It was difficult at first, and caused a lot of abusive and harassing phone calls, texts and emails from him. (And often through the teenaged children…) But then I learned to ‘Ignore, Delete and Block’. I made it clear, through my lawyer, that email would be the only means of communication. That way, I could forward to the lawyers if it was outrageous. It did not put a stop to all the crazy behaviour, but it certainly helped. In the end, the only way he could hurt me, was financially. Which he did. 4 yrs and $100K to get a divorce and separation agreement. Eventually, he signed right before trial.
I am now free and loving my life. I have good relationships with my 4 children. Thx for these videos. I wish that I had watched them 10 years ago!
This is the best 5 minutes ever I spent watching a video on covert narcs. Ever!
Empty empathy. I feel like i always have to pay for being vulnerable
And never, never trust again.
I had watched many videos on narcissism, but this is the one that clicked with me. I come back every so often to watch again so that I don't fall back into bad habits and forget with whom I'm dealing. Life is so much better. Thanks Richard.
I wished I had this tool a long time ago. My niece would ask me personal questions and turn around and twist it to make my family think I was bad. I have lost my family because of her. It’s pretty devastating dealing with a narcissist
Sorry you've had to experience betrayal on so many levels. Hate is so very toxic!
Starfish..sorry for your suffering. However, your family.had and had freewill. Be glad they are all gone. May you find joy and decent.people
Wow awesome! "You don't engage in sincere communication. with someone who is insincere."
Right- it will be used against you.
I have to change the way I engage with narcissists. Thank you Richard Grannon! ❤️🌸❇️
I sent this video to my parents to better understand why I'm handling my ex narc the way I do. We share two kids so contact is necessary. This video is brilliant to explain how I now 'handle' my ex not even attempt to have sincere conversation. Every time he is nice that means to be hyperaware of the abuse that is sure to follow. Good work :)
Spot on analogy
That’s so spot on I’ve got tears in my eyes-thank you! Just the other day she “accidentally” admitted that bullies target a weakness and she found mine. As a Christian husband working through “Every Man’s Battle” she exploited our marriage relationship in order to coerce me into sharing every thought (particularly sexual) and turned it against me; fighting for hours with my explaining how and whys and what I was doing to change and it was churned into ever ongoing shame until I learned to lie. At first I lied just to find out if “intrusive thoughts” and shame were the roots of my ongoing struggle. After 7 months of having only the past to throw at me, i misguidedly gave in to my conscience and confessed my duplicity. I also said that my head and heart really were cleared up as they had. That went on for another month with the old thought patterns returning in response to the abuse. So I’m running silent and running deep until I can escape this treacherous ocean of deception... I’ve binged hard on Narcissistic Abuse Recovery to the point of only watching the Christian apologetics, gun, history, and self defense channels for a little break in thought patterns; helps me process. She will never see inside my soul again. She’s trying to get me to confess, but I’m wiser.
My three chains left are enjoying being full time dad, while not sure if I’ll win custody; waiting for my stepdaughter’s pregnancy to come to term (as I have really good insurance and yes I could leave her to welfare, but I’m not going to, even if her abusive narc boyfriend would); and I think I still need to deal with the trauma bond and/or that video of your I was going to watch and practice on dealing with recurring emotional memory... in any case, January, because that will cover my family until her due date.
Wow! Every conclusion I’ve come to is eloquently expressed here in the first minute. So I replayed from 25 seconds to 1:05 a few times.
The sad part is, my words won’t be used against me, they will be used to manipulate the kids. At times conversations have been goldmines for him to gaslight. I’m learning to shut the hell up - there is no co-parenting and 100% you can’t be sincere with the insincere and I’ve told myself repeatedly to “stop that shit” too. I love the poisonous snake analogy.
These are very hard concepts to get your head around and most people could never understand so it’s great to hear this, thank you!
There’s no one else talking to us the way you are doing here today right now.
Please keep exposing the narcs by sounding the warning!
People keep repeating the same mistakes.
Great closing. Don’t touch the glass. Loved this movie and will remember that phrase. Thank you. 🙏
Yes! Glass gives a false sense of safe separation because it feels hard. But glass ...
Yes, I'll also need to remember do NOT touch the glass. In a situation right now and I needed to be reminded.
Hi, please tell me the name of that movie. Thanks
Yea.. name of movie pls
@@SilenceStabber
Movie used in the clip? The Silence of the Lambs
I wish I knew this 17 yers ago.... all the time and energy spent , was waisted ! But it is never too late !
Never too late! Yes
As an empath this really resonates! I intuitively have learned that I won’t share important things to him. He has already used people against me to destroy my career. The last thing I’m going to go is give him more information to do it again!
Its true. Its how you deal with them. You have to guide and steer. Casually. And try to keep you in check at the same time. You can study one, and know all of them, pretty much
I've learned the hard way that "less is more" when having to communicate with a psychologically disordered person....particularly IF you absolutely need to communicate with them. No contact is my preferred way of dealing with them, however. I've advised friends to consider the "less is more" strategy when they share what they're dealing with with some disordered people...many don't get it and look at me like I have three heads. I hope at least I've planted a seed of a safer alternative to dealing with the disordered person.
Brilliant !! Actual war tactics are so necessary, rules of engagement for dealing with and protecting yourself from the enemy, a form of communication that is non-violent and extremely effective.
And this is why I dont understand when these EXACT SAME MONSTERS are "mothers" that they get support and defended by the empaths, even though that kid should be as far as possible from that monster.. Because a kid "cant handle" them.. That kid will get broken..
John Hooper So true. That’s why the childhood abuse is so hard to get over. We were helpless.
My 'mother' is a cold-hearted snake. I cannot handle her at all so no contact is the only safety.
I agree with you.
@@kayg2345 Thank you so much!
It is my mom and wow . Somehow I caught on and it made me stronger, but it’s a very sad story. No mother
Such GREAT advice. A narc's target HAS to disengage entirely in order to survive and heal from their evil, poisonous damage. Thank you, Richard.
My experience with narcs / is very tricky ..they are my relatives 😱 But, I’m making progress .. I’m paying attention to how I feel while I’m with people ( everybody I interact with ) and it’s a helpful GPS. I am setting up boundaries ...although I see that just saying “ don’t go further “..with a person who either has no boundaries or does not respect boundaries, is a fruitless endeavor.!Although it feels good to hear my self stand up for myself. ~ I believe in the power of people to change, I certainly have changed a lot over these past few years. And by that, I mean change that I initiated & put into action, not change that was done to me.. There is a difference. ~ Still, as a woman who lost two husbands plus families circles, I cling to my brothers in the hopes of something good to come from it .. I keep trying to make relationship with them that is warm & supportive. However, recent events & exchanges, indicate that this may not ever pan out the way i hope for. In Chinese tradition, the blood bond goes back 10 generations. ~ In the Italian tradition, a brother can turn his own brother to the wolves. It’s a very ruthless energy / power play. Although we are mix culture , I guess I took the feminine aspects of both cultures, & my brothers took the masculine aspects of Monsters on parade. Maybe too much watching movies about bad guys. They are so defense / reactive, that the only safe place is to be silent around them. They do not share, or converse. They ask questions. They give orders to me. ( Even though I am their elder ) ~ I was in a fog state for so many years. I see now, it’s impossible to connect with them. They are walled up behind a fortress & see me as the enemy. So.. I have to stand away from them. They are truly like wolves.. I have been trying to make friends with wolves. .. not men. ..( 👁 )
Many people go full no contact.. And I truly believe it is the only way.. Because the only thing that keeps you going is your hope, and it is pure projection.. it will never happen..
Whether relatives or not, if they don't treat you right, full no contact is the only answer. I've had to do the same.
My own big aha was that boundaries didn't mean what I thought they did. I had lain mine at the feet of family thinking they deserved special excuses and more gentle handling than some stranger that attacked me. I laid down my boundaries and they slid over into who I am like amoebas covering me up. They didn't see or hear me. They made up stories one after the other and I kept thinking they misunderstood, they'd come around, so I kept my boundaries down. The trouble is, when they can't see you, it's too easy for you to not see you. You fade away not only to them, but to yourself. I have my boundaries back. What that means to me now is that I don't care what they think or feel. That's their business. I'll be polite and stay out of range until I can ghost. I really no longer care what they do or say or feel. They're over there, I'm over here inside my boundaries. They aren't even interesting. I feel nothing because I"m safe and protected from them. I walk away from their drama without anger or interest. I just had to understand what the f was going on. Who knew this kind of thing went on?! Thank you, Richard and Spartan community, what a revelation!
That’s truly difficult to endure , I know the Italian part as it’s not all the same , I got blood is thicker than water brainwashed into me so that it itself set me up for allowing toxic abuse as their “ family “ so not healthy either. I still struggle with the loyalty but I take the good with the bad still . Hope you find a sense of safety in your life as well as peace ✌️
@@linda_sue This is exactly what is happenning to me. ''They made up stories one after another'' and I continue hoping it is a misunderstanding, but when I explain everything, instaed of I am sorry there is another made up story. It's my brother and it's a bit hard to accept, really continue hoping it is a misunderstanding, a luck of intelligence, whatever, just don't want him to be a narc or flying monkey of my mother.
Glad this popped up on my feed. Perfect timing after having dealt with my ex this weekend as she continues to drag my daughter through her world of constant change and chaos. As soon as something seems to be stable, consistent or coherent she shifts gears and sets sail in a new direction. In the last four years she has had 7-8 jobs, her and my daughter will have lived in 5 houses/places (when she finishes moving into her new SO's abode). The snake analogy is perfect! For a while a very colorful adder was her picture on my phone when she called or texted, it reminded me who and what i was dealing with.
I have, for the most part gone gray rock, but sharing a child there are times when i simply can't avoid talking to her. Its always madness...... Irrational, illogical, overly emotional, incoherent and inconsistent. Refusal to take ownership or responsibility for her actions, behaviors, choices or decisions and the effect those actions have on my or her daughter. Blameshifting is the preferred way of avoiding accountability or personal responsibility. There is no action, choice or decision she cant rationalize or justify, no matter how heinous or malicious. A victim at every turn. All i can do for my daughters sake is handle the snake as little and as carefully as possible.
Damn, wish I’d known about this years ago. Would have saved myself a lot of pain and money... lesson learned!
Drawn into the den of a real demon within a human, you never before could have imagined it.
Richard have watched you for years, but have never made a comment. You are the bomb!! So clever, so down to earth.Just admire your take on life and personality disorders education. l have 36 years as a Psych Nurse in Mental Health in Australia. I dont need to tell you what a great service you provide to humans. Just really admire you. Thanks you are cool.
You are amazing... thank you. 9 months no contact. His son said he did the same to him... finally I was being heard and acknowledged. Even to his children he was abusive.
So true I wished I’d known this before ! Don’t share anything personal or it will be used against you , priceless to the point ty Richie 🙏🏽 I’ll have to find that 12 step group on co dependants 🤪haha , who knew lol I thought I was being a good human 😉 wow silly me
I made a huge mistake by breaking contact thank you for the insight exactly what I needed
Chilling but unfortunately true, I used to hand myself over to narcissists on a dish only to be chewed up over and over again...no more
The problem is you have no idea the person is a narcissist especially if they are "covert" in the beginning.
Exactly
That was my 16 year long lesson in taking the mask off a covert narcissist. I did it n survived though it nearly killed me
@@amandanectar
No one ever believes you...they are the perpetual victims.
Thank you for this reminder Richard. I'll remember not to touch the glass.
I've made this mistake so many times. I had to comes to terms with the fact that they will never be normal before I could resist the temptation to give in to their 'concern' and share details that were then stored up and used against me at a later date - usually to flesh out lies with enough truth to make the lies believable and turn people against me.
I found this out firsthand with my brother 2 weeks ago. It was ugly. I opened up for the first time, hoping he would hear me.
Such great advice. Really perfect.
I listened to Richard’s videos for a year straight. Just kept my earbuds in and played them over and over. It was the first I’d ever heard anyone say anything like it. It changed my life. I have recommended him to so many people because the narcs all read from the same book. The behavior is so predictable you’ll seam like a psychic-knowing how the Hannibal Lecters out there will act.
I am free!! Thanks Richard-you’re awesome!!!
During my looong divorce process from my delusional ( paranoid with psychopathic tendencies ) ex, I was given some excellent advice from a wise professor of psychology at a university where I taught. He said, never, ever meet your ex again without a police officer/your attorney/a judge present. Make certain ALL communication goes through your attorney. Keep communication to the facts only, keep it simple and end communication quickly. Document everything. Do not be drawn in. The psychopath will push all your buttons to get you to respond, even doing horrible things to your children ( whom he could care less about ) in order to get you to respond or “play his game”. You DO NOT play anymore. Hire a bulldog of an attorney who can “handle” these types and let the attorney deal with him. It could take two or three years for your psychopath to find another mate to abuse, but eventually he will become bored with you ( remember you don’t play anymore ) and he will move on and abandon his children too, which is good. You don’t want your children exposed to that kind of demon. Your ex psychopath will use any opportunity to hurt you forever, but ignore him and his cronies, stay safe, and live your life well.
I would add: Don’t give the psychopath a stick to hit you with. Meaning, do not share ANY personal info. and do not engage in “bad behavior” yourself, either as a response to his bad behavior or just because you want to fo something that the courts/a judge would consider “immoral or bad”. A psychopath will do everything he can to harm you.
This is excellent advice. Excellent. And he will turn on you in a heartbeat.
Oh yes: The "And Suddenly" moment when they are just talking and then they instantly become violent. I know it well!
This is the most down to earth video .....he explains everything so simple.... Thanks for your knowledge.
For me. It's my daughter in law... she's a con artist, whose convinced everyone shes a sweet, honest victum... I wont fall her games again... she nearly destroyed my life 7 yrs ago, now shes back... thank you for your videos!
On the flipside theres been mother in laws that try to control and meddle in their childs relationships and fail yo realise theyre the narcissist and not the victim!! Example...chris watts mother! What a malignant narcissist!
EXACTLY what I needed at just the right time. "Looking forward" to a dinner with my sister who is a covert-covert narc, and her husband. They're coming from NY state to Ohio, and, aw shucks, it looks like neither of the other sibs and spouses will be making it. I'm the only single in the family so I'll be on my own; no allies. Wish me luck, or at least not to be in tomorrow's headlines.
I have an ULTRA MEGA SUPER COVERT MALIGNANT NARC MOTHER.
it is unreasonably difficult because I have Autism and am naturally naive. I have been lovingly conversing with this demon possessed husk as if it cared for me for a lifetime.
I have yet to 'handle' her once. She's 70 now and using her "elder" status against me.
Before it was because I'm the child.
It never ends. The covert is always the victim.
@@faybelle2991 I sympathize and understand. Keeping you guard up can be draining sometimes.
Fay Belle Sorry you have to endure her. But maybe you could just leave!
Use the Grey Rock method. Good luck.
@@TheAshMcG thank you, I will try my hardest! My sister is a master at control through provocation. Her favorite tactic is go provoke a negative response to use against you...usually behind you pur back.
When was in love with a covert n.. woman I always had the strong feeling that I could not talk openly to her. Those days I was actually suffering, because I felt like I am unable to open up to her completely. This was also the tool she could use against me and critisize me for my behaviour. And she was right. From her point of view I kept something hidden, that she wanted to posess. My integrity, my selfesteam, my emotional independency. Today I know my behavioiur was (thanks god) a sort of automatik selfprotection reflex. The problem I see is that we wil have to open up completely if we don't want to be a anonymos recovering codependent for the rest of our lives. Today I would say we allways need to open up again, but we need to immediately hit the brakes when thing get out of balance. Take care A.
Thank you Richard for this reminder!
I love you, thank you so much. Your words are like a guardrail on my behavior that keeps me from dropping into the deep end. It's honestly stuff I didn't know or wasn't aware of which should have been obvious but for the maladaptive upbringing. It's an ongoing battle.
Thank you! Needed to see this before going to work!!!
Great one Richie. Short, sweet, simple and clear. It's easy to get abstract regarding this subject, and that has its place, but so does being very concrete and down to earth. Having a "handle them" or "no contact" policy when you've been raised to be, or scared into being, nice to everyone, is terrific boundary work that comes in handy elsewhere too. Good to know the whole boundary spectrum so you can dial in the appropriate amount of what we call "ward-off energy" in T'ai-Chi. It has physiological, psychological and physics aspects too, all of which benefit from having a dimmer switch on that shit. Too many people flip and cave in from a tense and not very strong "no" to a total surrendered "yes". Gotta learn the territory in between to have a true "no", a true "yes", and really live. Keep up the great work! GB
I needed your message right now! Thank you
Such simple but sound advice thank you you don't see these things when you are involved with the narcissist that once you step outside and move away things become clear I will never touch the glass again and always put on my gloves before I handle a poisonous snake thank you! 😊 👌
God THIS IS BRILLIANT! Everything I’ve ever said is AMMUNITION at a later date. (And I’m talking about my covert narc mother.) thank you 🙏
Richard is ALWAYS on point!!! Xoxo
He took everything I said, and stored it away for future ambushes. Thank you, for this video.
Hello Spartans . 👋
Thank you! The explanation of “handling him” is the perfect description of my contact with my ex borderline. I’ve been trying to explain it to a few friends who ask why I still speak to him at all and that phrase is what I’ve been looking for.
I know first hand this is the only way. Handle him...omg so true. I live this every day.
Best advice I have heard.... you dont talk to them, you handle them..
Best analogy ever with that movie clip.... thank you..
Love your no BS approach Me Gannon.
Oh boy. I’m so honest to a fault. Thank you!!!!!!!!!
My goodness the most succinctly put clearly defined saving outlook and action to take when dealing with a narcissist. Kudos to you Richard for this powerful 5 minutes 👍
You just gave us a strong defensive mechanism… Strategic methods are key. Thank you 😊
Why, Richard, you must know my ex. 😂 Love it. Crispy. Concise. Spot on.
This is so good. You don't talk to them you handle them. They are so dangerous if you don't know what your dealing with.
The footage you posted was thought provoking but the film clip?!? It gave me the chills, such a classic film that I’ll just have to rewatch (for about the 20th time 🙈)
Don't trust anyone and always be careful :)
Never open up to a narcissist....never tell them you're fears, secrets and weaknesses. Always talk about nutural topics. Maybe a few happy times in your life. Give them nothing to hold against you in the future. I did this and like clock work...he held a secrect I told him against me...a few times.
Very helpful. I forget to keep my guard up because its my mother. The Lecter visual , that will be so effective in remembering she knows how to , and will always try to abuse me.
Problem is....you dont know until too late...
Its not like Narcissist is written on their forehead.
It is if you look
What should i do if it's too late? How to win ?
There are "tests"...
For example, do one such a favour. Then ask for some favour in return.
Observe.
@@Kenzofeis my wife saying she don't want to come back but there is no talks about divorce. I told there relatives that i don't want to divorce and tell her to come back. Reconcile and counselling is my choice. But one week past i got no reply from her relatives as i am in no contact with her and her family. I had a baby which will become 2 years old on 3rd October this year. They gave me a chance to meet my baby twice but now i am not even contacting them to see my child as well. Please help
@@jakhuratalks5418
You are married and she keeps your child away from you? Do you have this formal thing called separation? I would simply ask some lawyer if she can do this.
Handling them is good advise, as they will try to get you to confide in them. In my case, a narcissistic mother wants love from her children, but also knows that she can't give of herself. I got a comment from my mom one time along the lines of, " thanks for trying to make me a better person". They know they're damaged, but only for a second or two, until their ego kicks back in. They really can't help who they are, and that's why my mom lives alone for the last 15 years now since my dad passed. It's pretty heavy karma to have a narcissistic parent.
I never subscribed to a channel without hesitation in a sec like yours! Bravo Richard! 🎉
Narcissists will twist everything you tell them, belittle and abuse you. It's best to cut all contact asap.
Very brief, but important content Re. How we want to trust the narc, and why we shouldn’t. Thanks Richard!
I married a narcissistic woman and my life has gone to hell the last 12 years, till January 2019 when I touched rock bottom with a strong anxiety dissorder that needs to be treated with medicines. We have two children. I would love to run away from her and make my life in peace, but I feel so huge responsibility for my daughter and my son, because if I'm not with them she teaches them to be like her - narcissistic. I've stayed and I've learnt to don't be codependent and just handle her. The most of the times it works, but living under the same roof make it really hard to keep. Sometimes I wonder how long its gonna take me to go away. Till now my children keep me up. I'm with them compesating with explanations and a good example the childish way she has to interact with reality and other people.
Tough very tough, am in the same shoes! Hope to find a way soon or later. I wish you well
@@mweusimrembo890 thank you! I wish you well too!
Everything EVERYTHING will be used against you!!!! Leveraged - used as a weapon
Well said, fantastic film and example.
You dont talk to him . You handle him. Like a poisonous snake
Brilliant advice
This man explains it so simply and completely. A clear and present danger.
This is guy is pure gold.
Great advice!! And perspective..."don't talk to them,,,handle them... they're like a poisonous snake."