I gave her the keys even though its my house.. she is in my house now!! and took over, and now she uses her beautiful grandkids to manipulate me and guilt me, and it works because I love these little innocent children so much it hurts. I only want what is best for them and not caring about myself anymore!!! This sucks. I am trying to make me number one, buy the giver in me is always fighting me. :( I know I have choices to just walk away from all this madness. I choose not to because of the kids :( . Lots of thinking to do..
I struggled with the realization that I hadn't been blindsided by my abuser. I could look back and remember all of the times I consciously chose the path of least resistance or allowed things which completely conflicted with my own core beliefs simply because I didn't want to have to go through the rigors of leaving. My having stayed only changed what would have been crappy into a year of hell on earth. If you're like me, reading this you have already known for awhile that your current arrangement is not what you want for your life. Get out early if you can, but don't beat yourself up if you need more time. You deserve peace and happiness, and there is plenty of it to go around here on the outside, I promise. Be well and take care.
wise words, Gabrielle. It took 3 attempts for me to finally get out. yes, it was tough but oh that lightness of being when you are finally out of that snake pit.
This is a bitter pill to take but accepting responsibility for your own mistakes and changing your own behavior (the only person who you can change is yourself) is the only way to avoid these abusive situations. Thank you Richard for telling the truth.
Realizing my part in the dynamic and "responsibility" gives a sense of agency. Especially that CPTSD is a learned response that can be "untrained". trully LIBERATING and EMPOWERING message in this video. Thank you for this video.
This was a great reminder that we, as codependents, need to acknowledge our own responsibility to change our relationship dynamics with others. We have to stop being slaves as a way to feel good about ourselves.
I have a problem with the word 'we' While the condition/syndrome may manifest in a similar way, there is a danger of taking refuge in a new happy groupy place with a different explanation of codependence. It's like a scene in the Life of Brian.
Noble Self Interest tends to make us feel we will be attacked or isolated to extreme measures for doing normal, healthy people behaviors... or worse... behaviors of excellence. ReParenting, reProgramng, reFuture Crafting and decongesting are what I am doing now. I did allot of decongesting... it’s not enough. We need to go towards and into things... we need a new orientation or a “new god” so to speak... Stop centering on these problems. They are there. They need attention but they do not need be a flag we salute 24/7... A new vision is what we need to salute... and use everything to set it up right or well enough. Buy a new fish tank? Set it up well. No different... it’s a slow process, kinda expensive... and then peaceful and beautiful when Complete... Needs maintained and occasional over hauls... Just keep valuing it... taking breaks... and getting back in. My father taught me to see him as the center of the world... he actually taught me directly and had me do visualizations, affirmations... ect... q & a’s and demonstrations ect... My leaning is to re-orientate to new Targets or ideas... and then emotionalize them. Why center on a psychopath / narc parent for stability? That over all quality will be most peoples bane... not tranquil, not safe... Pick a new vision... and go to work on that... embed that... emotionalize that... repeats that for 7-10 years... it will load and hold for sure... That idea can be: I safely support myself with vigor, respect and long term love... I bond with others comfortably yet wisely... always remembering rule #1 that it’s okay to safely support myself with vigor, self respect, and long term love applications done daily. Like memorize that... feel that. Act on that... Almost like a “self marriage”... make a vow and keep it... nurture it... and then decongest ect and keep cleaning it up while you go TOWARDS this safe and powerfully protective ideal.
Man, I feel like you just kicked me in the nuts here then tossed me a bag of ice for the swelling. This might be the best youtube recommendation I have ever gotten. What in the world, I never gave any of this stuff any credence. I didn't come here for a epiphany but thanks for the heart to heart man. I think I need to go talk to somebody.
I have been in therapy for almost 12 months (MBT) and this last few minutes was more helpful than the last 12 months in trying to understand my inner conflict when dealing with others needs! Utter light bulb moment! Neurotic drive to serve is definitely me and YES I GET RESENTFUL!!! so helpful...now to work on that....thanks richie!
You gotta find the therapist that makes you uncomfortable, many I have been to let me go on and on and manipulate our sessions. I left a post on the best one I had.
CZcams is the best way to find your best life coaches. It allows you to explore and learn at your own pace, usually 10 times as fast as with an in person therapist who's only focusing on one thing at a time, while you're trying to unravel an entire quilt. It's not congruent to efficient healing. Richard is a student of Sam Vaknin as am I. Another create psychologist on CZcams is Dr Ramani, and check out Lewis Howes.
This makes more sense than anything I've ever heard. I'm finally able to begin to understand and how to articulate wtf I'm going through. It's such an amazing feeling to have this information presented to me.
Exactly my sentiments. Someone finally u spelled it out. I do need to take responsibility for accepting that role of co dependent for 33 years. I wish I knew then...
It's about information and understanding to be ignorant and confused is not a nice feeling and going along with familiar behaviour from conditioned childhood or family stuff also is not comfortable and education and awareness brings freedom as an individual and is liberating liberating
So opposite of codependency is emotional maturity But problem I have is that I'm severely dependent on my husband because I am bed ridden and chronically I'll, plus severely depressed.... So does that mean he is codependent because he does everything for me, .......?
I love Richards no nonsense approach. He always calls me out on my own bullshit and his hilarious but informative delivery of information literally hits the nail on the head every time! Thank God for this man and the work he does 🙌
I stopped showing up for people that didn’t show up for me and like magic...nothing changed! As a codependent, I manipulated people to befriend me and forced social contracts so they’d stay with me. In the end I’m depleted and alone...which is the perfect place to rebuild. Thanks for your blunt fucking advice!!! ❤️
As others have said, THIS is the BEST breakdown on Codependency! Why was I always with toxic partners? Common denominator: ME. I had to own all of my toxic behaviors. Thank you Richard!
I have been searching for years to figure out why I do the stupid self sabotaging things I do! I have finally been able to say I’m codependent without the added victim mentality! Now I am on the path to healing and accepting myself for the imperfect beautiful woman I am. Thank you from the bottom of my heart Richard!
You hit the Nail in the head . I have realized how toxic I am . Can’t continue to be the Victim . Yes I’m Codependent and very Manipulative Ughhhh..... Sad Face 😔
Kinga Ogieglo That is quite exhausting b/c that suggests you were walking on a tight rope or egg shells attempting to avoid the wrath of a ticking time bomb where it was impossible to predict what behavior would be projected.
Kinga, we have to be brave to look at, feel and go through the pain, injustice and, perhaps, lack of closure associated with the original period of wounding by our primary attachment. Once we have done that and reclaimed our sovereignty, we can see the abuser(s) as the wounded and dysfunctional person(s) they are without bitterness. If you blame (beyond the original identification of the problem), you remain cycling the cesspool. We are honest, conscious of our acts of self-serving fawning and begin the process of training ourselves to steer clear of those behaviors and thought patterns. We understand we were abused and that created self-sabotaging behavior, but we then set out to reclaim ourselves, and we give ourselves no quarter to remain in that pattern. That is our duty to ourselves, our maker and to all those suffering- narcissists and codependents alike. Be the light; be the example. One of the biggest misconceptions is that narcissists are happy. From the outside it may seem so as they are adept at getting what they think they need, but they are as bound on the inside as any codependent. Whereas the codependent transacts to receive, the narcissist deceives to receive. They both are closed, masturbatory circuits. Neither behaviors engender true sovereignty, creativity or intimacy. Neither can inhabit peace or love. God bless.
Richard, you literally saved my life! Walked out after 24 years in an emotionally abusive marriage. Been out 4 years but only realised 2 years ago how messed up I truly was lol! This video is the truth I had face to heal. Wasn’t easy, but necessary. I was incredibly religious, but as I heal from codependency I seem to be leaving religion behind also. Funny that .
Im facing the truth about my self but im still a Christian . I think a lot of people use religion for emotional bypassing or justifying their "selfsacrifice" .
@@sargasso2337 Jesus & The Prophets will NEVER steer you wrong - Religion, that artificial man-made hierarchical POWER STRUCTURE foisted on us by Satan in the guise of his alter ego - LUCIFER - on the other hand, demands that we become Codependent so that it can be the CONTROLLING Influence in our lives & families. Remember, Jesus & The Prophets saved their harshest criticism for the merely OUTWARDLY Religious. He called them Hypocrites & Spawn of Satan!
It's sometimes good to be called out for your codependency. When we talk about being "empathetic" or "empaths," I think we don't always give justice to our need for self-reflection and improvement. Healing from trauma is the only way to avoid being drawn into another abusive relationship.
It's a wake up call . It also feels like co dependency is a desire to correct the past in some cases . Rewind time emotionally and reboot the computer to make things right . A parent with little or no interest in a child can drive the child into seeking approval in adulthood of a non caring possibly narcissistic partner . When they can't get that approval after years of abuse , they will move on to another partner to try and get their approval . They keep moving through partners and it gets worse as they become like the ball in a pinball machine being hurtled from side to side with an ever growing amount of negative emotions and possibly physical violence . It can get worse as the years go on . A desperate need to win the love of a partner who has similar traits of the opp sex non caring parent . That is my experience .
This is exactly what I did, *exactly*- I’ve had 7 major relationships and each one, while being incredibly painful, has given me tiny pieces of myself back; I learned slowly, slowly what was going on when there was no literature or resources available like there is now. My own somatic trauma levels were so high that I had to learn to be in my body again before I could begin to do anything deeper and each relationship drove me to the next step, until with this last one I *really* made the leap into healing- I didn’t have to get dramatic, hurl myself over a cliff to survive, I just focused on me and became curious about the dynamic playing out between us, watching *myself* in the space and asking ‘what am *I* doing here? What’s the story I’m making up about this internally?’ I had a whole heap of resources I hadn’t had before- years of somatic trauma based practices, cranio-sacral therapy to heal the *actual* brain injuries I had from my childhood violence, a deeper comprehension of my neurodiversity and how this adds to the layer of being unable to process trauma in the usual ways, Richard’s work, my studies in alchemy resulting in cultivating an increasing ability to go to the heart of the brutal violence and psychological torture I’d experienced - all of these gradually fused together in me to help me get clear of the stories of self sacrifice, martyrdom and pain that I’d carried since I was a kid. It doesn’t matter now what the other individual is doing, I’m here getting on with *my* life and I can do that at my pace; I give myself all sorts of permissions to do things exactly how I need to do them and it doesn’t matter at all what others are doing. This is an absolute first for me and it has been decades in the making- there is no doubt in my mind that Richard’s work is a pathway for others to avoid having to do decades of work. I don’t know what this new chapter of my life will bring but I do know what it *won’t* have in it. :)
There’s a part of us that keeps wanting to learn/ correct what we haven’t yet learnt / corrected in others but I can’t fucking remember how to word it properly, under developed blah in the frontal..... something lay blah....... 😂
It truely broke my heart when I realized that, because of my own emotional damage, I had been totally manipulating my almost adult children, for most of their lives. I am guilty of DOING everything for them and FIXING all their mistakes. It was really hard to admitt that I had this crazy and totally dysfunctional belief that if they NEEDED me to do things, and I made myself INdespensible to them, they would never leave me. I felt terrible when I finally understood that what I was actually doing was hurting them and hindering THEIR ability to be autonomous & proud of their own accomplishments. THAT realization shattered me. I sat them down individually and apologized for being so controlling and told them that they had the right to tell me to knock my shit off when/if I started trying to control them again. I still have to FIGHT my instincts to try and control their decisions, but I keep my mouth shut. I promised them I wouldnt put my emotional needs before theirs anymore & I intend to keep that promise, even if it kills me. I thought I was being a good mom.... now I know that I probably caused as much damage to them as my mom did to me.
@@marieclaire7995 I know that proper ettiquete would be to say Thank You for the compliment. I feel like that would be disingenuious though b/c I dont think that I deserve it. I WASNT Brave at all. If I had been, I never would have spent 20+ years putting MY fear of abandonment before my children's well being and happiness. After what I put them thru, apologizing was the least that I could do. I just hope that I can UNDO some of the damage, that I can thankfully now admit I caused.
D. Williams You really have NO idea how healing it can be just to have a parent admit to their wrongs, own them and apologize. It took me over 30 years to get that from my mother and I had to ask for it. Still, she finally did and it allowed me to forgive her. It was incredibly freeing and we have a much better relationship now!
What a great video! For all those suffering from cptsd and codependency, here are some things that changed my life for the better. Emdr therapy Mindfulness learning what makes you uncomfortable and setting boundaries Saying no to people, learning to be ok with the guilt of that Distancing from people that hurt you Church Creating daily routines/structure Exercise Lastly, giving back in a healthy way like working at a food drive, homeless shelter etc. Please remember, you are not irreparably broken :)
Thank you for the advice from the other side! My relationship fell apart when I started to work on myself kind of by accident. When you begin to value yourself, you don't let people ruin you and when they're used to it, they don't like it when you stop them. Relief to know there's hope!
@@korab.23 well said - ended my 2nd marriage to a real “Giver” over this. I am mildly codependent but with boundaries, getting more self (& other) aware every day and she is unfortunately Helplessly Codependent and unable to see herself accurately. The “NEUROTICALLY Determined to BE CODEPENDENT sand NOT take “NO” for an answer part hit close to home - had to have her removed from my house by calling the police. Does THAT sound like her (subconscious) intentions were 100% pure?
@@angelm6497 Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (complex PTSD, sometimes abbreviated to c-PTSD or CPTSD) is a condition where you experience some symptoms of PTSD along with some additional symptoms, such as: difficulty controlling your emotions. feeling very angry or distrustful towards the world.
Nutty as this sounds, your videos allowed me for the first time yesterday to play tennis and actually allow myself to enjoy winning. That’s how silly and deep this stuff goes. Until yesterday, I would actually feel bad for the other person if I won because I wanted them to be happy. I have gotten out of 2 unhealthy relationships and thought I had grown my sense of self worth into a normal state. I just came across your videos and I have to say thank you because it’s allowed me to see a lot more than romantic relationships in a new healthy light.
Narcissists and codependents can both be empaths. Intuition-the spiritual sense that "reads" the person and situation-is as powerful and vital as our other senses. The degree to which one has become aware of and developed their spiritual sense is the degree of likelihood one would describe themselves as an empath. Prior to becoming aware of this spiritual sense and using it to heal oneself and others, I believe the degree of self-destructiveness equates to the degree of trauma exacted and openness(woundedness) created in the spirit. I see codependency and narcissism as spiritual wounds with psychological and physical manifestations in the forms of abberant thoughts and actions. I believe these wounds can only be healed by addressing the spiritual wound created from the abuse. An empath is a recovered codependent or narcissist aware of the keen spiritual sensitivity and insight their wounding created and are now using that skill to serve others in healing with love.
BodyTune I thought so too! I started reading an empath book and threw it across the room (I have anger issues 😂). I so desperately want to break out of helpless victim and into responsibility and discipline. I can’t with the ooooey goooey innocent angel thing.
@@JEHOVAH485 Thanks for that clarification. I made a blanket statement for emphasis. Can we agree that the term "empath" has been hijacked by codependents who don't understand their trauma?
@@bodytune2069 Absolutely. It's important to bring light to all the grey, obscure places, but always without causing more damage to those who are only trying to understand themselves as awkward as their effort may seem. ❤
Lynn Holbrook I agree an empath is a recovered codependent or never was codependent but I don’t agree narcissists are empaths they only have cognitive empathy therefore they cannot be empaths
Spot on Richard! When I finally identified the major narcissist in my life… I had to also realize the HUGE role I played in not only feeding the external beast… but birthing my own internal beast. Yikes! Your videos have been instrumental in my healing and personal growth. Thank you!
OMG!!! This gave me a "coming to Jesus" moment!!! 'Neurotic drive to serve others'. So, so true! I have grown to rely on transactional relationships. I kinda of knew this since I was young but was not fully aware of what co-dependency was till I started going to counseling. I have severe cPTSD and am desperately trying to change the way I react to unhealthy relationships with others. I just wish I could have discovered this when I was younger before I raised my children; so that I wouldn't pass my negative coping skills on to them. Great video! I am now a subscriber. Thank you
Yes, as a co-dependent, I can look back a see that I was making bad choices without really having a choice..(Neurotic Drive). Thank for keeping it real.
just brilliant, there's only one person that I would happily have shout at me about all my bullshit....and that's you, you've gone done it again..........huge respect and loads of gratitude
Brother… thank you! Understanding Co-Dependency in myself, putting all others above and giving all of myself to avoid the feelings of unworthiness while also possibly hiding behind the idea that I’m strong enough to wade through any storm or demand in order to help others become more is so deeply revealing. Wish I knew this when I was younger. Now 52 I’m working hard to understand and relieve this burden. Please keep up the work as your helping so many of us. I thank you personally
I'm mildly codependent, I never felt good about it. I felt like a doormat, like a weak stupid child because I couldn't say "no" or end things with people that hurt me. I'm only 20 so I realized this pretty early, relationship with a covert narc really helped me to understand that my view on relationships was skewed. I dumped him after agreeing to be hoovered back 3(!🙄) times in 2 years. I'm happily single and I want to develop myself as a person so I never get back to the same dynamic ever again :)
Problem my siblings havent realized. They simply dont get that their “help” is manipulative and boundary breaking. Then they get mad at me for not wanting the “help” lol
I just learned two things. The FEAR of negative emotions caused me to inflict greater harm on myself than what I was trying to avoid in the first place. The pain and misery that accompanied every single relationship I ever had occurred because I was unwittingly tumbling through a minefield of emotional flashbacks.
That part is spot on a terror of negative emotions. However more of a terror of something finishing. I have realised that’s why I wouldn’t let my covert narc ex go. I would rather try and fix and suffer? What the hell! Trying to understand how this person cannot show emotion etc, constantly trying a neurotic drive for him to open up. What a waste of time!
Thank you! Honesty ❤️ 28 years of marriage. I didn’t know what narcissist or codependent was. Divorced now for 8 years and finally uncovering my issues of being codependent. From what I’m learning my ex had all the traits of a covert narcissist. I’m thankful for the day I finally said NO ... Thank you for your raw, honest teachings on these subjects. Your presentations covering these particular topics have helped me understand for the first time who I am and why I behave as I do. I’m only 60. Hopefully, there’s still time before I die to find a mate to enjoy a healthy loving relationship with. You Rock!
OhGoddess, Richard! I get it! I have struggled with this drive circa 33 years of recovery until I finally saw the light like around 2019. I positively love your definition, "Codependency is a neurotic drive to serve...to submit...based on a terror of negative emotions"!
ludlow 889 ohhh, that makes sense in SO many ways- the self righteous victim mentalities using political correctness and a heaping dose of religious glorification of suffering (US based after all) to quash anything that would reveal what’s truly going on. Martyrdom gets so many brownie points in religion- the disenfranchisement of the female in religion coupled with malignant martyrdom and a culture that glorifies submission- blargh! Just like watching the Netflix movie Unorthodox.
ludlow 889 that’s the ‘love of a good woman’ trope right there and doesn’t the planetary culture LOVE to pimp that one hard- I remember watching the Deepa Mehta movie Fire and seeing that bs play out in the re-enactment of the religious story where even after Ram tests his faithful wife with a fire ritual and she demonstrates herself as ‘pure’ he still gives her the boot and she’s depicted as meekly going off to her abandonment as a ‘proper’ wife should- and the religious leader sighs heavily and says ‘Poor Ram!’ when every woman in the audience knew on a visceral level that being cast out of a marriage in India meant a life of poverty, abuse and extreme hardship for a woman. It’s a stunningly potent brainwashing mechanism to disempower women that’s been hugely successful for millennia and yet there is *still* so much backlash against feminism, which is in part the attempt to deconstruct and dissolve all these mechanisms of the meek long suffering woman as being the benchmark of what females are ‘supposed’ to aspire to. It’s fascinating to watch the dominant culture having a conniption about that, talking about ‘proper’ female values and such- and bemoaning about how these ‘have been lost’- when in actual fact what those ‘values’ creates is a destructive and malignant sort of female culture that sees manipulation and ubersubmission as weapons of a sort. I see the double sided coin of critics of feminism who have zero interest in recognising and calling out this foundation of cultural brainwashing of females because rather than look at the whole picture, they prefer to focus on their issues with a female culture that is trying to deconstruct and disempower a psychological, religious based manipulation that has served dominant male culture for a VERY long time- and they don’t like the new landscape because the servant class is no longer willing to serve. The irony is though that this ‘love of a good woman’ thing has now been massively pimped through movies so there’s still a huge percentage of females that are willing to martyr themselves (sometimes even to death) in toxic relationships because they’re so traumatised they believe loving monsters can turn monsters into real live men with actual hearts while not understanding that they themselves aren’t in contact with their own hearts either. It’s all a clusterfuck that just never has a fairytale ending and needs to be burned to the ground indeed, from both sides of the mythos.
Thank you for explaining this! There was a point when I realized that codependency and narcissism are essentially two sides of the same coin or are mirrors of each other. I started thinking that with codependency, the codependent who tries to save a narcissist is coming from a place of selfishness as well because they are trying to get their needs met by changing the narcissist’s behaviors towards them instead of just leaving. They cross other people’s boundaries by trying to change them and play martyr by sticking around. This was hard to come to terms with, being a codependent myself. But it makes sense and helped my growth.
"get their needs met by changing the other's behavior" this definitely describes the overwhelming tone of my 15-year friendship I just left. It took me a long time to face that I was trying to fix and heal all her problems so that she could be the friend I needed.
Been watching you for quite a while. Just finished The 3Things narcissistic people are afraid (PS- I’ve recently-within the last week- just exposed all three. Im making all the arrangements to get on with my life, YAY ME!) But- THANK YOU for this! You are smack on. Ive always been the, “...and I’m classic codependent, so its perfect” story. And naturally that makes me the victim and poor me in every ones eyes. But I’ve always gone on to explain that “I’m not perfect... i know I’m not a dream to be with... it takes 2 to tango” etc.... as I’d explain how we were “meant to be together for this karma...” Because something just never felt right to have the pity or poor me card being played. This sums up how manipulative i was in getting into... no.... INSISTING on this relationship and then doing the dance with him for 4yrs. I played him but he certainly played me worse/better. Anyway. Thank you
I wanted to write a really deep message on how this message resonated and blessed me but I didn't want my youtube comments to haunt my future endeavors but I will say this " MOST POWERFUL MESSAGE OF 2020 for me.
What I wanted was a happy family as a kid and I stepped up to try to make that happen and avert the arguments between my parents. I became the caretaker and golden child and then I became the rebel. What is a "happy family" anyway? I tried to create that as an adult. I saw their faults and I saw their potential. For things to look like shit was not a new experience for me. I was used to that. I abused myself for hanging in there way longer than I should have. I put myself aside and called it loyalty. I didn't ask more of people until I was halfway emotionally checked out of the relationship. What am I saying? Even though we see that we are a fixer in another bad dealio we wear that shoe comfortably and the Brady Bunch family is totally unrelatable. So we help create our own pain and it turns to utter disappointment and resentment one day when we pick our stupid pieces off the floor to try to heal yet again.
I had a huge breakthrough moment, when I realized I was in Groundhog Day with the narcissist and I was wasting my precious time in a cesspool of negativity and destruction. Got out with EMDR therapy for childhood trauma and my healing has been amazing and freeing. Happy to be the real me.
@@Lil-Be Thank you. Lord knows it's taken a LONG time. I was lucky in that a good friend reconnected after a long absence and recommended a counsellor. I have had two sessions which were not EMDR. First one getting to know about me of course, the second we did some hypnosis and relaxation techniques and the third session, we did the EMDR. So only ONE session has shifted a lot of negativity.
ulsy27 I have had five sessions, which will resume after the lock down is lifted. The first two sessions were getting to know about me. The next three sessions went back to early childhood trauma and have helped me deal with the anxiety. Thanks for asking.
The truth hurts, but it is needed to move on and recover. Thank you for not being afraid and telling it like it is. Your presentation answers so many “crazies” of my chaotic life experiences. Thank you!!!!
Yes!! This is exactly what drives me crazy when I hear people refer to themselves as "an empath"... I feel like it almost always comes along with a gross misunderstanding of how they found themselves in an abusive relationship or three [😂], which is unfortunate because if you don't understand why you chose/stayed with that person in the first place, you can't avoid it in the future.
Me too. I have chanced upon channels centring on peoples self identification as "empaths". The mentality strikes me as Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Saintly with an unquantifiable superpower. Seems to go along with wanting to label all ones exes as narcissists like they're coming out of the woodwork. I don't assume that these "empath" types are more than averagely unwell - rather it strikes me that they are using an element of fantasy to add interest to their mundane lives
@@nylaclancy2655 Honestly, I've done a lot of reflecting on this topic since I wrote that comment. The sad truth is that both sides are victims and abusers... It's an uncomfortable truth, but they push and pull on each other to varying degrees emotionally/ verbally/ mentally/ physically. Trauma is at the root of both. Hurt people hurt people. Healing trauma is the answer, IMO.
omg thank you, i think you just covered a lot of gaps i was unsure of still, even though i have tried to work on myself alot for years now, but so far without therapy just by myself, but this has made me come to the point where i will need help to get myself out of this better, I defo have both Cod and Cptsd, i hate hurting others like a plague and will often take on hurt and blame to safekeep others, and i have come a long way but im nowhere near done, thank you for covering this basis that i feel is sometimes left out. and thanks for being more or less "brutally" candid, sometimes that is required!
Spot on! I felt immense remorse when I finally figured out my husbands and my "dance". I knew that I was part of the problem and allowed him to treat me as he did. The only difference was my big land-mine is abandonment. I would allow anything as long as I didn't feel abandonment or lonely. It wasn't guilt that my parents manipulated me with, they both just abandoned me all together. I am not a narcisist magnet, no sir.... I am drawn to narcisists because that is the only love I had ever known. Any normal love felt unnatural and uncomfortable.
My land mine is definitely abandonment as well. Like you, by both parents. There was also sexual abuse in there which adds a whole other layer of fuckery to it. But yes, even though I ended things with my ex who was a covert narc and text book psychopath, I have horrid feelings of abandonment anxiety even though I have zero desire to be with him and don't even really miss him. I'm just hung up on that he betrayed me by lying and cheating the whole time we were together when I stupidly thought he was "my knight in shining amor". Us co dependents want to believe in that notion of someone "saving" us. Unfortunately it's to our detriment and we must learn to heal and become secure.
You are so very right. Being in a sinful swamp with a narcissist is still being in a sinful swamp. The mud and slime is still covering you. You’re just as dirty. I figured this out recently and started pulling myself up out and I’m trying to take a shower now. It’s hard though. We’re not perfect little princesses.
Thank you for not sugarcoating the truth!!! I am codependent and I've lied to myself for years when I wasn't getting the desired result. I invited a covert narc in my life and all the abuse involved. But through this I've been able to get honest bc I'm tired of making myself the victim and Ive decided I'm making a change. Your video was extremely helpful in keeping me honest with myself 💜
IMHO this is absolutely the BEST & MOST HONEST video you've ever made. It really hit home. About 6 months ago I realized I really wasnt the "victim" I liked to tell myself I was. And it really sucked to admitt how manipulative I really can be or how many "games" I also played in my marriage. It kind of pissed me off when I realized it b/c I had fooled myself into thinking HE was the manipulative a-hole and I was just his helpless "victim". Truth be told, it was a bitter pill to swallow when I realized I picked him BECAUSE he treated me as shitty as my mother did. What is weird is that the Ah Ha moment came during a conversation with my best friend, not thru therapy. She mentioned someone I had dated before my H and I got to thinking about our relationship. He was actually a really good guy and I suddenly remembered how I couldnt stand how nice he was to me. It made me soooooo uncomfortable and I never understood why!! One day he did something that any "normal" female would think was awesome but I was soooo angry. I actually told him he wasnt a REAL MAN b/c he was too nice and I broke up with him that day. ( IK.... total bitch move!) I finally realized that I just couldnt take someone being so nice to me. It sounds messed up but I couldnt help it. At that time, Nice ='d Wimpy. Then along comes my H, who was kind of nice at first, but not really. He could be a totally unapologetic a-hole at times and BOOM, I was "in love" and back in familiar territory. The longer I stayed, the meaner he got, and once again I knew how to act. I had no idea back then that I NEEDED someone who would treat me as badly as I thought I deserved to be treated. I also had no idea that being what he "jokingly" called his "in house slave" was how I was used to be treated since I was a kid. I had no idea that DOING 🚫 = LOVING. That conversation w/ her made me realize that I wasnt blameless in the crap that happened in my marriage. Not only did I Allow alot of it, but I CAUSED a bunch of it too. I also realized that if I wanted to heal, I had to quit throwing the "victim" card & take responsibilitu for all the damage I caused my kids by staying with someone who treated us like that. It still sucks to know that I basically did this to myself. And that its not all my H's fault. But it also means I get to change into somebody better and quit pretending I have no control over the next chapter in my life. I now try to think about my healing like its physical exercize.... it totally sucks while you're doing it, but eventually you end up stronger for it. I still have days where I revert back to my totally dysfunctional ways, but they seem to happen less often. For that I am truely thankful. I just want to say Thank You for all the videos you've done about this topic. Without your input I dont think Id have gotten to be this better & more authentic version of Me.
@@hazeleyes2381 😉 At this point I hope I am self aware enuf to look back and say "WTF was I thinking?" and NOT beat myself up over it.... but it truely is a sucky situation when you realize that you were playing as dirty as they were. My saving grace and new mantra is- Now that I Know Better I have NO Excuse not to DO Better.
@@sasha1641 The whole responsibility thing gets easier. Its also pretty empowering once you really start to believe that its up to YOU what names you're going to answer to. Victim is no longer on my list of names I apply to myself.
Tough pill to swallow but by your description I am codependent. I vow to change this and I have done a lot of work, and after seeing your video I realise I still have more work ahead of me. My ex wife used me a cast me for children and checked out of the marriage and to this day I still see the better version of her. My ex girlfriend started the same pattern and I then realised I am attracted to horse shit like a March fly. I own that it was all me and self harm and self loathing, self sabotage, neurotic drive to serve, not please but serve It was all me. Thank you for the deeper and clearer understanding of the depths of my personal issue. 🙏🏾
Richard! Thank you for this. This landed so hard and true. When you said “you’ve never seen a slave like me” I teared up like crazy. Thank you for this.
This is so dead on, wow... I've been working on this alone for a couple of years, and it's a huge relief to see that I'm on the right track. It's actually recognizing this tendency that started me on the path leading me to CPTSD, which has changed everything. I still have a tragic tendency to Be The Helpful Person, even when I recognize that I'm being manipulated, I have to struggle to restrain myself. The consistency with which people mistreat me is directly correlated with the need to be their Savior, and then be bitter with them because they took it from me and then did not appreciate me or treat me like I have value. Even knowing all that, I find that I do not know how to be anybody else, I don't have the ability to see the outcome if I just say no, other than rejection, punishment, and pain, guaranteed. That is actually the thing I'm struggling with the worst, is not having the right tools to take a different direction than the one I've been taking for The Last 5 Years. I'm not a coward, I am considered by most people to be incredibly strong, and I am as brave as you can fathom a person being, unless I'm in a position where I have to decide between accepting that I have to give up something of myself in order to this person happy, or accepting that nothing will keep them happy because it's eventually going to come crashing down. In other words, it feels incredibly hopeless, because the end result is going to be that I am going to be cast aside not being worth anybody's time, and I've been in this position for so long without understanding what I was doing most of the people in my life are fairly interest in their habits as badly as I am. In the last three years I have lost 90% of my friends, my business has almost failed, and my relationships with new people are very difficult, and it's a direct result of me actually healing, which is exacerbating all of the things that cause me pain in the first place. This is such a difficult situation to be in, and I just want to thank you all for being here and sharing your yourselves with the world. It's incredibly therapeutic to feel understood.
Spot on Richard! Co-dependency is deadly...It took me years of therapy, reading 5000 plus books, 3 degrees , countless courses, groups, addictions, recoveries etc to find out what you have just explained in 17:48. thank you :)
Your direct, no fluffing approach speaks right to my core. You offer clear vision which provides a realistic platform from which to work. Thank you SO MUCH.
I am shook. Feel like you pimp slapped me. Suddenly all the information I’ve been learning, has been catalyzed and makes sense. I just unsubscribed from all channels but three on this topic.
I love your style of delivery. Obviously the content is very serious and it resonates 100% with me. I can hear myself being described in glorious techni-colour. However, I have to thank you for making me laugh at myself and the whole Co-dependent/Narc' setup. My day starts so much better after watching your videos.
“Usually, most of you, it’s mummy or daddy. ‘Why mummy and daddy were perfect?!’ Maybe, or maybe you’re in a large river in Africa...” I probably shouldn’t have laughed that hard after hearing that.... Thanks for another enlightening video!!!
I really enjoyed this video...and I feel that this is very accurate..a lot of the CZcams/internet coaches think that just cuz they were in a few disfunctional relationships that I hwy have the know how to give others advice...they preach that codependency and victim mentality like it makes you a good person..it wasn't until I up really started to heal and grow that I saw this..we need to hold ourselves accountable for letting people abuse us as well as the abuser.💓
Richard, I adore that you say "Fuck" and refer to the perfectionists and holy rollers' commentaries! I love how you explain what I'm living, and how brunt you hit the truth so I can grow♡ drill me with these facts, help me recreate myself wise and educated & healed from C-PTSD.
Agreed. I meditate, and in my meditation group there's been a lot of "oh you can't be angry or sad" bs, because they don't understand that spirituality is not to exist without emotions... The people who say this is also extremely codependent. Very dysfunctional people. Codependent are as dysfunctional as narcs. We're not victims. Yes we've been abused, but when you wake up and understand that then take fucking responsibility for yourself
I think anger is such a powerful emotion in that it can be highly motivating as well as informative. Just need to make sure its not used in a harmful/ entitled manner.
@@jpp2377 exactly. And to be able to discern you have to feel. You have to feel the feeling and discern whether or not you are in a safe situation, if what you have experienced was good or bad etc. You can't assert a boundary if you won't allow yourself to feel. To not feel is extremely codependent. It's how we learned to survive as children, by fawning, dissociation from our emotions. Feeling is extremely important part of recovery. First anger, then grieving, then joy of being free from the abusor/abusors. If you don't let the emotions rise up, you won't be able to get it out of your body. And like you say, anger can be productive. My anger after I found out that I was a codependent, fueled my healing process. I was like "I'm gonna understand what the hell went wrong and where it went wrong and I'm gonna fix it!!!!! And I'm never staying in a dysfunctional relation ever again!!!!! Anger made me take responsibility for how I felt and how I wanted to feel
Demonizing of expressions of anger is a sign of just how feminized the western culture has become. There is such a thing as 'righteous anger' (example: Jesus overturning the money changers tables and driving them out of the synagogue with a whip). Unfortunately, western governments are in lock step with the feminization of all anger is bad, because an empowered population is dangerous to their tyranny. All mainstream outlets are inherently evil in that they don't want an empowered society. A classic example of this is the Duluth Model of Abuse power wheel, of which ALL Domestic Violence laws in America are crafted upon the 'research' Duluth provided. All 'Abuse' is perpetrated by men, and men must be subject to anger management classes, no matter what the circumstances that created the so called abuse. This is merely a codependent training course most of the time. It seems that the toxicity of the NPD/ASPD requires the toxicity of the CoDependent in order to survive, Much like Marxism requires a Central Bank/fiat money/Heavy progressive income taxation to survive. It's time to wake up and see that we are 'useful idiots' on so many levels, because we have a tendency to 'Go along, to Get Along'. It's 'nice' and nice is evil. I've found it's better to be 'kind' My definition of what kindness is can be summed up in the Rolling Stones song, "You can't always get what you want."
You're a great person. Thank you sincerely. It's relieving and necessary to hear the harsh truth. Narcissists and codependent are both just flipsides of the same coin ; no one can "save" you but you, owning up to these harsh truths and having the guts to look them in the eye and make a change. Otherwise you are just wasting your time.
I no longer see myself as a co-d victim. I caused chaos in my marriage. I see it now. I was driven to make it all better, regardless of the consequences. With your damned preaching (and couple others) I've faced it. Moved out.
I did the same with my (in my opinion) borderline ex-wife. Bent over backwards, worked myself into the ground and let her just sit on her laptop posting to her online forum about how spiritual and awake she is. After I started putting down boundaries she had an affair and left, which taught me a huge lesson about the necessity and effectiveness of good boundaries.
You are fucking amazing. Finally someone has addressed these people babbling online about new age shit and trauma. So many people are now brainwashed into a weakened state of mind and rather than focusing on healing they sit in a puddle of poor me.
“There’s a selfish piece of shit, why don’t I give them the keys to my house” indeed 🥺 glad to be learning and moving forward. This man is legendary ❤️
You explain this so well. Sometimes we keep going with the co-dependacy just to have a feeling of peace but it doesn't last long.. pretty much gotta just shut down the cycle cause no matter how much you try to make the person comfortable they will always have an emergency for you to come fix. Its exhausting! And sure does leave alot of resentment.
When I put my feet to the fire and made myself look at what my role was/is in all my relationships, the game changed. Not easy, very painful, but so worth it. Layers keep coming up, and I look forward to undoing my illusions.
I love that you just say it as it is, calling people out on their shit. I’m laughing out loud while having flash backs and realizing my patterns. Thank you 🙏
Oh my God, this is BRILLIANT! Thank You! I understood this with more certainty, than any of the didactics on Codependency, that I had to go to when hospitalized for an eating disorder (1990's "It's not what you're eating, it's what's eating you!"). I scored so high on our checklist, I was considered a "Flaming Co-Dependent"! LOL! Really, Richard, Thank You So Much for this in-depth lesson. Very, enlightening! And Life-Affirming! I understand better what I'm working with (in myself) now. I think I had forgotten...or is that just denial? 🙄😊And yes, I was my mother's 'confidante', at the age of 5. She made a lot of excuses for my Dad ("A Flaming Narcissist"). At this point in my life, I just want to keep striving to grow to be a better human. It's friggin' hard! Thanks for your guidance!
I agree Richard. Co-dependency is brutal. I am a recovering co-dependent. It’s a nightmare lol. You have to work on it daily. It took years for me to admit co-dependency. It is absolutely linked to CPTSD. Yes intimacy is a huge trigger as a co-dependent. I love your honesty Richard. 👍👍. To set boundaries is hard to learn to do as a co-dependent. It’s a challenge. My recovery will never stop. Yes parentified child. I agree we chose Narcs. It took me years to see it. Ouch. Yes our people pleasing is sick. I want my sacrifices to others listed on my grave 😂😂😂😂. Just kidding. Great video.
Sobering thought…that I will go to my death from drowning due to all the holes I put in my boat while attempting to save others from drowning. What was the point of all this again? Who did I save? Nobody. Who was I at the end of it? Just another casualty of low self worth. Was it worth it? No. Am I worth it? Yes!!!!!!
Suzanne I agree. It anchors the slave mentality. Do this says others, yes master says the codependent, just don’t leave me. Guilt is a tool used as one of the hooks to the anchor of the fear of abandonment. That’s how I interpret it anyway.
Avoiding the sheer TERROR I felt about being abandoned was probally the driving force for 95% of my life so far. I even manipulated my kids into not leaving me. Even tho I now recognize how dysfunctional it is to feel that way, I still have to fight the urge not to do things perfectly for fear someone will "reject" me somehow. Its a long road thats for sure.
Awesome! Thank you for helping me identify what I dealing within myself. Was in denial of codependency. Yep that’s me. Know I know what I need to heal. ❤️
Richard - thanks for using the word: COWARD Both co-dependants and narcissists are cowards. I have seen it in Christianity and its present in almost ALL religions and atheism (which no one wants to believe is also a religion) There is always a slave/master in these relationships and ALWAYS anger and resentment. There can NEVER be peace, happiness and equality in these relationships. You have hit the nail on the head
15 minutes in, listening on earbuds, and I've cried twice, laughed loudly once, and shook my head in agreement at least three times... I'm sure my kids think I'm bat shit now. Thanks, Richard lol.
"It takes two to tango." May all beings everywhere find a better way to dance with each other. Life will be truly be juicy when humanity can release these non-ideal survival strategies. Uh, yeah, lots of work to do. 💗 Thank you, Richard Grannon, for actively synthesizing this area of human experience. Thank you for keeping it honest and up to date.
THANK YOU!! Narcissists are co-dependent, co-dependents are narcissists. I was codependent and like an inverted narcissist. I was even treated for C-PTSD, but then I saw other people being “helpful”, like me, and eventually put the pieces together and realised I was being a controlling, projecting cunt. My ex, who’s narcissistic did the same to me and terrorised me with “help”, it was sick, and I also became obsessed with “helping” him with his narcissism. It was just a mess, and yes we were both traumatised as children, running away from feelings of guilt. This video is accurate!
Holy shit! You just blew my mind. “A neurotic drive to serve based on a terror of negative emotions.” I am LITERALLY driven at a physiological level to avoid heavy negativity from my family and my ex. It feels impossible, absolutely impossible to do the best thing for me or my daughter because of the level of condemnation and criticism I would receive. It’s magnetic! I feel mentally and emotionally forced in the other direction. Wow!!!! I’m listening!! … and the trauma bond is for real! That’s how I ended up going from a covert to an overt… I f‘ing chose them because of childhood conditioning. Shit! 🤦🏼♀️😖
Captain America has his shield. Thor has his hammer. Richard Grannon has his whiteboard 😎💪
😂😂😂😎😎😎😉😉😉
@Renegade Music Me too!! Scared my sleeping dog! 😂
Good one! 😀
Perfect! LOL
And Richard is not imaginary. He is real life. lol
I love it when he gets blunt and sarcastic.
Me too.
Favorite line: "OH, there's a selfish piece of sh!t - why don't I give them the keys to my house." Richard nailed it!
I gave her the keys even though its my house.. she is in my house now!! and took over, and now she uses her beautiful grandkids to manipulate me and guilt me, and it works because I love these little innocent children so much it hurts. I only want what is best for them and not caring about myself anymore!!! This sucks. I am trying to make me number one, buy the giver in me is always fighting me. :( I know I have choices to just walk away from all this madness. I choose not to because of the kids :( . Lots of thinking to do..
🤣
ALMOST gave him a key..
I personally liked “I’m gonna be the best slaviest slave there’s ever been” 😂
@@SQuinn-vc4dj me too 🙃
I struggled with the realization that I hadn't been blindsided by my abuser. I could look back and remember all of the times I consciously chose the path of least resistance or allowed things which completely conflicted with my own core beliefs simply because I didn't want to have to go through the rigors of leaving. My having stayed only changed what would have been crappy into a year of hell on earth. If you're like me, reading this you have already known for awhile that your current arrangement is not what you want for your life. Get out early if you can, but don't beat yourself up if you need more time. You deserve peace and happiness, and there is plenty of it to go around here on the outside, I promise. Be well and take care.
Love what you wrote cheers 🙏
13 yrs I stayed. I'm 1 year 2 months out so far. Haven't seen or heard anything from them. 💪❤🍻👌
wise words, Gabrielle. It took 3 attempts for me to finally get out. yes, it was tough but oh that lightness of being when you are finally out of that snake pit.
This is a bitter pill to take but accepting responsibility for your own mistakes and changing your own behavior (the only person who you can change is yourself) is the only way to avoid these abusive situations. Thank you Richard for telling the truth.
Yeah.
Lucy. Exactly my thoughts. ❤️
Realizing my part in the dynamic and "responsibility" gives a sense of agency. Especially that CPTSD is a learned response that can be "untrained". trully LIBERATING and EMPOWERING message in this video. Thank you for this video.
great response
Thank God, there’s a way out 🙏🏻
This was a great reminder that we, as codependents, need to acknowledge our own responsibility to change our relationship dynamics with others. We have to stop being slaves as a way to feel good about ourselves.
Thanks, brilliant
That's the hard work to get there where we really find ourselves good enough.
Yeah I agree, Co Dependency has a selfish motive in that the end result is to try and make one feel better about oneself.
I have a problem with the word 'we'
While the condition/syndrome may manifest in a similar way, there is a danger of taking refuge in a new happy groupy place with a different explanation of codependence.
It's like a scene in the Life of Brian.
Noble Self Interest tends to make us feel we will be attacked or isolated to extreme measures for doing normal, healthy people behaviors... or worse... behaviors of excellence.
ReParenting, reProgramng, reFuture Crafting and decongesting are what I am doing now.
I did allot of decongesting... it’s not enough. We need to go towards and into things... we need a new orientation or a “new god” so to speak...
Stop centering on these problems. They are there. They need attention but they do not need be a flag we salute 24/7...
A new vision is what we need to salute... and use everything to set it up right or well enough.
Buy a new fish tank?
Set it up well.
No different... it’s a slow process, kinda expensive... and then peaceful and beautiful when Complete...
Needs maintained and occasional over hauls...
Just keep valuing it... taking breaks... and getting back in.
My father taught me to see him as the center of the world... he actually taught me directly and had me do visualizations, affirmations... ect... q & a’s and demonstrations ect...
My leaning is to re-orientate to new Targets or ideas... and then emotionalize them.
Why center on a psychopath / narc parent for stability? That over all quality will be most peoples bane... not tranquil, not safe...
Pick a new vision... and go to work on that... embed that... emotionalize that... repeats that for 7-10 years... it will load and hold for sure...
That idea can be:
I safely support myself with vigor, respect and long term love... I bond with others comfortably yet wisely... always remembering rule #1 that it’s okay to safely support myself with vigor, self respect, and long term love applications done daily.
Like memorize that... feel that. Act on that...
Almost like a “self marriage”... make a vow and keep it... nurture it... and then decongest ect and keep cleaning it up while you go TOWARDS this safe and powerfully protective ideal.
When I started becoming resentful with myself for staying, is when I knew it was time to get out.
Man, I feel like you just kicked me in the nuts here then tossed me a bag of ice for the swelling. This might be the best youtube recommendation I have ever gotten.
What in the world, I never gave any of this stuff any credence. I didn't come here for a epiphany but thanks for the heart to heart man.
I think I need to go talk to somebody.
🙏🏾🌻
Same lol, I’m making an appointment w a therapist as soon as I wake up tomorrow (it’s 9pm where I live)
Great, fun, concise share 🙂
I have been in therapy for almost 12 months (MBT) and this last few minutes was more helpful than the last 12 months in trying to understand my inner conflict when dealing with others needs! Utter light bulb moment! Neurotic drive to serve is definitely me and YES I GET RESENTFUL!!! so helpful...now to work on that....thanks richie!
Glad to have helped
Those light bulb moments can be frickers sometimes but my Grams used to say- Its better to hear an ugly truth than to believe a pretty lie. 🤔😎
You gotta find the therapist that makes you uncomfortable, many I have been to let me go on and on and manipulate our sessions. I left a post on the best one I had.
Yeah. I find I give too much of myself and then get resentful afterwards.
CZcams is the best way to find your best life coaches. It allows you to explore and learn at your own pace, usually 10 times as fast as with an in person therapist who's only focusing on one thing at a time, while you're trying to unravel an entire quilt. It's not congruent to efficient healing.
Richard is a student of Sam Vaknin as am I. Another create psychologist on CZcams is Dr Ramani, and check out Lewis Howes.
This makes more sense than anything I've ever heard. I'm finally able to begin to understand and how to articulate wtf I'm going through. It's such an amazing feeling to have this information presented to me.
We are so lucky!
same!
Exactly my sentiments. Someone finally u spelled it out. I do need to take responsibility for accepting that role of co dependent for 33 years. I wish I knew then...
It's about information and understanding to be ignorant and confused is not a nice feeling and going along with familiar behaviour from conditioned childhood or family stuff also is not comfortable and education and awareness brings freedom as an individual and is liberating liberating
So opposite of codependency is emotional maturity
But problem I have is that I'm severely dependent on my husband because I am bed ridden and chronically I'll, plus severely depressed....
So does that mean he is codependent because he does everything for me, .......?
I love Richards no nonsense approach. He always calls me out on my own bullshit and his hilarious but informative delivery of information literally hits the nail on the head every time! Thank God for this man and the work he does 🙌
I stopped showing up for people that didn’t show up for me and like magic...nothing changed! As a codependent, I manipulated people to befriend me and forced social contracts so they’d stay with me. In the end I’m depleted and alone...which is the perfect place to rebuild. Thanks for your blunt fucking advice!!! ❤️
Really fighting with myself on this right now.
At least you both are facing yourselves now which is more than some people do in their lifetime.
I love it when Richard takes off the gloves. Bravo! Bravo! Bravo!
As others have said, THIS is the BEST breakdown on Codependency! Why was I always with toxic partners? Common denominator: ME. I had to own all of my toxic behaviors. Thank you Richard!
Repetition childhood pattern
Same. It's hard to see how I really am but it's a dose of reality I need.
I have been searching for years to figure out why I do the stupid self sabotaging things I do! I have finally been able to say I’m codependent without the added victim mentality! Now I am on the path to healing and accepting myself for the imperfect beautiful woman I am. Thank you from the bottom of my heart Richard!
You hit the Nail in the head . I have realized how toxic I am . Can’t continue to be the Victim . Yes I’m Codependent and very Manipulative Ughhhh..... Sad Face 😔
For me it was avoiding my mother's rages by making myself invisible.
Kinga Ogieglo
That is quite exhausting b/c that suggests you were walking on a tight rope or egg shells attempting to avoid the wrath of a ticking time bomb where it was impossible to predict what behavior would be projected.
Kinga, we have to be brave to look at, feel and go through the pain, injustice and, perhaps, lack of closure associated with the original period of wounding by our primary attachment.
Once we have done that and reclaimed our sovereignty, we can see the abuser(s) as the wounded and dysfunctional person(s) they are without bitterness. If you blame (beyond the original identification of the problem), you remain cycling the cesspool.
We are honest, conscious of our acts of self-serving fawning and begin the process of training ourselves to steer clear of those behaviors and thought patterns.
We understand we were abused and that created self-sabotaging behavior, but we then set out to reclaim ourselves, and we give ourselves no quarter to remain in that pattern.
That is our duty to ourselves, our maker and to all those suffering- narcissists and codependents alike. Be the light; be the example.
One of the biggest misconceptions is that narcissists are happy. From the outside it may seem so as they are adept at getting what they think they need, but they are as bound on the inside as any codependent.
Whereas the codependent transacts to receive, the narcissist deceives to receive. They both are closed, masturbatory circuits. Neither behaviors engender true sovereignty, creativity or intimacy. Neither can inhabit peace or love.
God bless.
I relate. ; )
Join the club Sister😛
Same
"Im gonna be the best slaviest slave youve ever seen!" 😭😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😅😅😅😅🙊🙈🙉
Fly Girl Bri ...this made me laugh so much 😂💙💙💙
@@kq1613 when the pity party competitions are real 😭😭😭😭 lmaooo 😂😂😂😂😂
Fly Girl Bri 😂😂😂😂😃😃😃😃😃
@@kolpoiy1183 lol hey hey! 😛😂😂😂😂
Omg I laughed so fucking hard on that part but it is the truth though. And I am learning. 😂😂😂😂
Richard, you literally saved my life! Walked out after 24 years in an emotionally abusive marriage. Been out 4 years but only realised 2 years ago how messed up I truly was lol! This video is the truth I had face to heal. Wasn’t easy, but necessary. I was incredibly religious, but as I heal from codependency I seem to be leaving religion behind also. Funny that .
Im facing the truth about my self but im still a Christian . I think a lot of people use religion for emotional bypassing or justifying their "selfsacrifice" .
@@sargasso2337 Jesus & The Prophets will NEVER steer you wrong - Religion, that artificial man-made hierarchical POWER STRUCTURE foisted on us by Satan in the guise of his alter ego - LUCIFER - on the other hand, demands that we become Codependent so that it can be the CONTROLLING Influence in our lives & families.
Remember, Jesus & The Prophets saved their harshest criticism for the merely OUTWARDLY Religious. He called them Hypocrites & Spawn of Satan!
It's sometimes good to be called out for your codependency. When we talk about being "empathetic" or "empaths," I think we don't always give justice to our need for self-reflection and improvement. Healing from trauma is the only way to avoid being drawn into another abusive relationship.
Codependency is a mental illness not much different from the narcissist, many times worse.
It's a wake up call . It also feels like co dependency is a desire to correct the past in some cases . Rewind time emotionally and reboot the computer to make things right . A parent with little or no interest in a child can drive the child into seeking approval in adulthood of a non caring possibly narcissistic partner . When they can't get that approval after years of abuse , they will move on to another partner to try and get their approval . They keep moving through partners and it gets worse as they become like the ball in a pinball machine being hurtled from side to side with an ever growing amount of negative emotions and possibly physical violence . It can get worse as the years go on . A desperate need to win the love of a partner who has similar traits of the opp sex non caring parent . That is my experience .
Ouch! Swimming in the same soup as we're raised in. Blessings to you and your healing, Sister!
When I cured my "mommy issues" I was finally set free! Setting boundaries and kicking butt!
This is exactly what I did, *exactly*- I’ve had 7 major relationships and each one, while being incredibly painful, has given me tiny pieces of myself back; I learned slowly, slowly what was going on when there was no literature or resources available like there is now.
My own somatic trauma levels were so high that I had to learn to be in my body again before I could begin to do anything deeper and each relationship drove me to the next step, until with this last one I *really* made the leap into healing- I didn’t have to get dramatic, hurl myself over a cliff to survive, I just focused on me and became curious about the dynamic playing out between us, watching *myself* in the space and asking ‘what am *I* doing here? What’s the story I’m making up about this internally?’
I had a whole heap of resources I hadn’t had before- years of somatic trauma based practices, cranio-sacral therapy to heal the *actual* brain injuries I had from my childhood violence, a deeper comprehension of my neurodiversity and how this adds to the layer of being unable to process trauma in the usual ways, Richard’s work, my studies in alchemy resulting in cultivating an increasing ability to go to the heart of the brutal violence and psychological torture I’d experienced - all of these gradually fused together in me to help me get clear of the stories of self sacrifice, martyrdom and pain that I’d carried since I was a kid.
It doesn’t matter now what the other individual is doing, I’m here getting on with *my* life and I can do that at my pace; I give myself all sorts of permissions to do things exactly how I need to do them and it doesn’t matter at all what others are doing. This is an absolute first for me and it has been decades in the making- there is no doubt in my mind that Richard’s work is a pathway for others to avoid having to do decades of work. I don’t know what this new chapter of my life will bring but I do know what it *won’t* have in it. :)
@alakev alakev well done! 2020 is my first year really saying no to things
There’s a part of us that keeps wanting to learn/ correct what we haven’t yet learnt / corrected in others but I can’t fucking remember how to word it properly, under developed blah in the frontal..... something lay blah....... 😂
It truely broke my heart when I realized that, because of my own emotional damage, I had been totally manipulating my almost adult children, for most of their lives. I am guilty of DOING everything for them and FIXING all their mistakes. It was really hard to admitt that I had this crazy and totally dysfunctional belief that if they NEEDED me to do things, and I made myself INdespensible to them, they would never leave me. I felt terrible when I finally understood that what I was actually doing was hurting them and hindering THEIR ability to be autonomous & proud of their own accomplishments. THAT realization shattered me. I sat them down individually and apologized for being so controlling and told them that they had the right to tell me to knock my shit off when/if I started trying to control them again.
I still have to FIGHT my instincts to try and control their decisions, but I keep my mouth shut. I promised them I wouldnt put my emotional needs before theirs anymore & I intend to keep that promise, even if it kills me. I thought I was being a good mom.... now I know that I probably caused as much damage to them as my mom did to me.
How brave of you!
@@marieclaire7995 I know that proper ettiquete would be to say Thank You for the compliment. I feel like that would be disingenuious though b/c I dont think that I deserve it.
I WASNT Brave at all. If I had been, I never would have spent 20+ years putting MY fear of abandonment before my children's well being and happiness. After what I put them thru, apologizing was the least that I could do. I just hope that I can UNDO some of the damage, that I can thankfully now admit I caused.
When we know different, we can act different. Stand tall in the knowledge that you admitted your mistakes. That takes integrity.
@@bonnielucas6769 Thank you. I agree. Now that I know better, I am trying my best to do better. Its definately a process though. 😐
D. Williams You really have NO idea how healing it can be just to have a parent admit to their wrongs, own them and apologize. It took me over 30 years to get that from my mother and I had to ask for it. Still, she finally did and it allowed me to forgive her. It was incredibly freeing and we have a much better relationship now!
What a great video! For all those suffering from cptsd and codependency, here are some things that changed my life for the better.
Emdr therapy
Mindfulness
learning what makes you uncomfortable and setting boundaries
Saying no to people, learning to be ok with the guilt of that
Distancing from people that hurt you
Church
Creating daily routines/structure
Exercise
Lastly, giving back in a healthy way like working at a food drive, homeless shelter etc.
Please remember, you are not irreparably broken :)
Thank you for the advice from the other side! My relationship fell apart when I started to work on myself kind of by accident. When you begin to value yourself, you don't let people ruin you and when they're used to it, they don't like it when you stop them. Relief to know there's hope!
💖
@@korab.23 well said - ended my 2nd marriage to a real “Giver” over this.
I am mildly codependent but with boundaries, getting more self (& other) aware every day and she is unfortunately Helplessly Codependent and unable to see herself accurately.
The “NEUROTICALLY Determined to BE CODEPENDENT sand NOT take “NO” for an answer part hit close to home - had to have her removed from my house by calling the police.
Does THAT sound like her (subconscious) intentions were 100% pure?
What does CPTSD mean to you because I find the definition non existent in this podcast?
@@angelm6497 Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (complex PTSD, sometimes abbreviated to c-PTSD or CPTSD) is a condition where you experience some symptoms of PTSD along with some additional symptoms, such as: difficulty controlling your emotions. feeling very angry or distrustful towards the world.
Nutty as this sounds, your videos allowed me for the first time yesterday to play tennis and actually allow myself to enjoy winning. That’s how silly and deep this stuff goes. Until yesterday, I would actually feel bad for the other person if I won because I wanted them to be happy. I have gotten out of 2 unhealthy relationships and thought I had grown my sense of self worth into a normal state. I just came across your videos and I have to say thank you because it’s allowed me to see a lot more than romantic relationships in a new healthy light.
I can relate... 🙌
By your hearing and listening to the video AND then being able to play tennis, makes so much sense to me. Good for you
«Seeing a narcisisst: Ooh yeah, thats for me»😆😄
Thank you for cracking the mirror ! Empath is code for codependent. From one COD to another, this is your best video yet.
Narcissists and codependents can both be empaths.
Intuition-the spiritual sense that "reads" the person and situation-is as powerful and vital as our other senses. The degree to which one has become aware of and developed their spiritual sense is the degree of likelihood one would describe themselves as an empath.
Prior to becoming aware of this spiritual sense and using it to heal oneself and others, I believe the degree of self-destructiveness equates to the degree of trauma exacted and openness(woundedness) created in the spirit.
I see codependency and narcissism as spiritual wounds with psychological and physical manifestations in the forms of abberant thoughts and actions. I believe these wounds can only be healed by addressing the spiritual wound created from the abuse.
An empath is a recovered codependent or narcissist aware of the keen spiritual sensitivity and insight their wounding created and are now using that skill to serve others in healing with love.
BodyTune I thought so too! I started reading an empath book and threw it across the room (I have anger issues 😂). I so desperately want to break out of helpless victim and into responsibility and discipline.
I can’t with the ooooey goooey innocent angel thing.
@@JEHOVAH485 Thanks for that clarification. I made a blanket statement for emphasis. Can we agree that the term "empath" has been hijacked by codependents who don't understand their trauma?
@@bodytune2069 Absolutely. It's important to bring light to all the grey, obscure places, but always without causing more damage to those who are only trying to understand themselves as awkward as their effort may seem. ❤
Lynn Holbrook I agree an empath is a recovered codependent or never was codependent but I don’t agree narcissists are empaths they only have cognitive empathy therefore they cannot be empaths
Spot on Richard! When I finally identified the major narcissist in my life… I had to also realize the HUGE role I played in not only feeding the external beast… but birthing my own internal beast. Yikes! Your videos have been instrumental in my healing and personal growth. Thank you!
OMG!!! This gave me a "coming to Jesus" moment!!! 'Neurotic drive to serve others'. So, so true! I have grown to rely on transactional relationships. I kinda of knew this since I was young but was not fully aware of what co-dependency was till I started going to counseling. I have severe cPTSD and am desperately trying to change the way I react to unhealthy relationships with others.
I just wish I could have discovered this when I was younger before I raised my children; so that I wouldn't pass my negative coping skills on to them.
Great video! I am now a subscriber. Thank you
Yes, as a co-dependent, I can look back a see that I was making bad choices without really having a choice..(Neurotic Drive). Thank for keeping it real.
just brilliant, there's only one person that I would happily have shout at me about all my bullshit....and that's you, you've gone done it again..........huge respect and loads of gratitude
Brother… thank you! Understanding Co-Dependency in myself, putting all others above and giving all of myself to avoid the feelings of unworthiness while also possibly hiding behind the idea that I’m strong enough to wade through any storm or demand in order to help others become more is so deeply revealing. Wish I knew this when I was younger. Now 52 I’m working hard to understand and relieve this burden. Please keep up the work as your helping so many of us. I thank you personally
Haha l am 52 and same realisation
Cheers for your honesty x
I'm mildly codependent, I never felt good about it. I felt like a doormat, like a weak stupid child because I couldn't say "no" or end things with people that hurt me. I'm only 20 so I realized this pretty early, relationship with a covert narc really helped me to understand that my view on relationships was skewed. I dumped him after agreeing to be hoovered back 3(!🙄) times in 2 years. I'm happily single and I want to develop myself as a person so I never get back to the same dynamic ever again :)
Problem my siblings havent realized. They simply dont get that their “help” is manipulative and boundary breaking. Then they get mad at me for not wanting the “help” lol
I just learned two things. The FEAR of negative emotions caused me to inflict greater harm on myself than what I was trying to avoid in the first place. The pain and misery that accompanied every single relationship I ever had occurred because I was unwittingly tumbling through a minefield of emotional flashbacks.
That part is spot on a terror of negative emotions. However more of a terror of something finishing. I have realised that’s why I wouldn’t let my covert narc ex go. I would rather try and fix and suffer? What the hell! Trying to understand how this person cannot show emotion etc, constantly trying a neurotic drive for him to open up. What a waste of time!
Thank you! Honesty ❤️
28 years of marriage. I didn’t know what narcissist or codependent was. Divorced now for 8 years and finally uncovering my issues of being codependent. From what I’m learning my ex had all the traits of a covert narcissist. I’m thankful for the day I finally said NO ... Thank you for your raw, honest teachings on these subjects. Your presentations covering these particular topics have helped me understand for the first time who I am and why I behave as I do. I’m only 60. Hopefully, there’s still time before I die to find a mate to enjoy a healthy loving relationship with.
You Rock!
Yes, guilt is the worst emotion to feel. This really hit where it hurts. More about parentification please.
Outstanding Richard. You poured so much energy into this message, this will stick in my brain forever. And so funny. THANK YOU
“Innocent like a lamb. Silence of the Lambs.” 😂
OhGoddess, Richard! I get it! I have struggled with this drive circa 33 years of recovery until I finally saw the light like around 2019. I positively love your definition, "Codependency is a neurotic drive to serve...to submit...based on a terror of negative emotions"!
If the codependent believes he or she is innocent, then they will remain as codependents for life.
ludlow 889 ohhh, that makes sense in SO many ways- the self righteous victim mentalities using political correctness and a heaping dose of religious glorification of suffering (US based after all) to quash anything that would reveal what’s truly going on. Martyrdom gets so many brownie points in religion- the disenfranchisement of the female in religion coupled with malignant martyrdom and a culture that glorifies submission- blargh! Just like watching the Netflix movie Unorthodox.
If anyone believes they’re innocent then they are a fool
ludlow 889 that’s the ‘love of a good woman’ trope right there and doesn’t the planetary culture LOVE to pimp that one hard- I remember watching the Deepa Mehta movie Fire and seeing that bs play out in the re-enactment of the religious story where even after Ram tests his faithful wife with a fire ritual and she demonstrates herself as ‘pure’ he still gives her the boot and she’s depicted as meekly going off to her abandonment as a ‘proper’ wife should- and the religious leader sighs heavily and says ‘Poor Ram!’ when every woman in the audience knew on a visceral level that being cast out of a marriage in India meant a life of poverty, abuse and extreme hardship for a woman.
It’s a stunningly potent brainwashing mechanism to disempower women that’s been hugely successful for millennia and yet there is *still* so much backlash against feminism, which is in part the attempt to deconstruct and dissolve all these mechanisms of the meek long suffering woman as being the benchmark of what females are ‘supposed’ to aspire to.
It’s fascinating to watch the dominant culture having a conniption about that, talking about ‘proper’ female values and such- and bemoaning about how these ‘have been lost’- when in actual fact what those ‘values’ creates is a destructive and malignant sort of female culture that sees manipulation and ubersubmission as weapons of a sort.
I see the double sided coin of critics of feminism who have zero interest in recognising and calling out this foundation of cultural brainwashing of females because rather than look at the whole picture, they prefer to focus on their issues with a female culture that is trying to deconstruct and disempower a psychological, religious based manipulation that has served dominant male culture for a VERY long time- and they don’t like the new landscape because the servant class is no longer willing to serve.
The irony is though that this ‘love of a good woman’ thing has now been massively pimped through movies so there’s still a huge percentage of females that are willing to martyr themselves (sometimes even to death) in toxic relationships because they’re so traumatised they believe loving monsters can turn monsters into real live men with actual hearts while not understanding that they themselves aren’t in contact with their own hearts either. It’s all a clusterfuck that just never has a fairytale ending and needs to be burned to the ground indeed, from both sides of the mythos.
@@Ninsidhe I loved reading your fascinating post.
Wow ,actually fantastic !
I discovered that intuitively, my personality changed drastically en I'm alone but very good!
Thank you for explaining this! There was a point when I realized that codependency and narcissism are essentially two sides of the same coin or are mirrors of each other. I started thinking that with codependency, the codependent who tries to save a narcissist is coming from a place of selfishness as well because they are trying to get their needs met by changing the narcissist’s behaviors towards them instead of just leaving. They cross other people’s boundaries by trying to change them and play martyr by sticking around. This was hard to come to terms with, being a codependent myself. But it makes sense and helped my growth.
So well said!
Merlin and king author
Omg! This exactly!!!
Anne Wilson-Schaef says that the addicted role is one side of a coin and the codependent role is the opposite side.
"get their needs met by changing the other's behavior" this definitely describes the overwhelming tone of my 15-year friendship I just left. It took me a long time to face that I was trying to fix and heal all her problems so that she could be the friend I needed.
Been watching you for quite a while. Just finished The 3Things narcissistic people are afraid (PS- I’ve recently-within the last week- just exposed all three. Im making all the arrangements to get on with my life, YAY ME!)
But- THANK YOU for this! You are smack on. Ive always been the, “...and I’m classic codependent, so its perfect” story. And naturally that makes me the victim and poor me in every ones eyes. But I’ve always gone on to explain that “I’m not perfect... i know I’m not a dream to be with... it takes 2 to tango” etc.... as I’d explain how we were “meant to be together for this karma...”
Because something just never felt right to have the pity or poor me card being played. This sums up how manipulative i was in getting into... no.... INSISTING on this relationship and then doing the dance with him for 4yrs. I played him but he certainly played me worse/better. Anyway. Thank you
I relate with you on this 💯
In less than 18 minutes, you have done more for me than 9 months of therapy. Thank you!
Truth bombs falling here. Codependency is a pattern of behaviour that I, as an adult, have a responsibility to address in myself.
I wanted to write a really deep message on how this message resonated and blessed me but I didn't want my youtube comments to haunt my future endeavors but I will say this " MOST POWERFUL MESSAGE OF 2020 for me.
"If your a truly spiritual, you never get angry" omg🤣
I'm so glad you've mentioned the bad points of co-dependency. I've been aware of it for a while but no one seems to talk about it. So thank you
What I wanted was a happy family as a kid and I stepped up to try to make that happen and avert the arguments between my parents. I became the caretaker and golden child and then I became the rebel. What is a "happy family" anyway? I tried to create that as an adult. I saw their faults and I saw their potential. For things to look like shit was not a new experience for me. I was used to that. I abused myself for hanging in there way longer than I should have. I put myself aside and called it loyalty. I didn't ask more of people until I was halfway emotionally checked out of the relationship. What am I saying? Even though we see that we are a fixer in another bad dealio we wear that shoe comfortably and the Brady Bunch family is totally unrelatable. So we help create our own pain and it turns to utter disappointment and resentment one day when we pick our stupid pieces off the floor to try to heal yet again.
So well said
Brilliantly written
I put myself aside and called it loyalty. It made me cry.
Wow sounds like the same story I could write except I was scapegoat, and still am!
Thats scapegoat ...
I had a huge breakthrough moment, when I realized I was in Groundhog Day with the narcissist and I was wasting my precious time in a cesspool of negativity and destruction. Got out with EMDR therapy for childhood trauma and my healing has been amazing and freeing. Happy to be the real me.
EMDR is amazing. I had one session and it has already changed me immensely.
Congratulations on feeling better :) How many sessions of EMDR did you get?
@@Lil-Be Thank you. Lord knows it's taken a LONG time. I was lucky in that a good friend reconnected after a long absence and recommended a counsellor. I have had two sessions which were not EMDR. First one getting to know about me of course, the second we did some hypnosis and relaxation techniques and the third session, we did the EMDR. So only ONE session has shifted a lot of negativity.
@@AmethystDreaming Thank you for the reply. I have to try EMDR. I wish you all the best :)
ulsy27 I have had five sessions, which will resume after the lock down is lifted. The first two sessions were getting to know about me. The next three sessions went back to early childhood trauma and have helped me deal with the anxiety. Thanks for asking.
The truth hurts, but it is needed to move on and recover. Thank you for not being afraid and telling it like it is. Your presentation answers so many “crazies” of my chaotic life experiences. Thank you!!!!
Yes!! This is exactly what drives me crazy when I hear people refer to themselves as "an empath"... I feel like it almost always comes along with a gross misunderstanding of how they found themselves in an abusive relationship or three [😂], which is unfortunate because if you don't understand why you chose/stayed with that person in the first place, you can't avoid it in the future.
Me too. I have chanced upon channels centring on peoples self identification as "empaths". The mentality strikes me as Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Saintly with an unquantifiable superpower. Seems to go along with wanting to label all ones exes as narcissists like they're coming out of the woodwork. I don't assume that these "empath" types are more than averagely unwell - rather it strikes me that they are using an element of fantasy to add interest to their mundane lives
I've seen every 1 of my Narcs also scream victim..seems that's a common trait of all 3
@@nylaclancy2655 Honestly, I've done a lot of reflecting on this topic since I wrote that comment. The sad truth is that both sides are victims and abusers... It's an uncomfortable truth, but they push and pull on each other to varying degrees emotionally/ verbally/ mentally/ physically.
Trauma is at the root of both. Hurt people hurt people. Healing trauma is the answer, IMO.
@@Misslove-ol1nq well said
@@Misslove-ol1nq The Whole Truth from WHOLE People
omg thank you, i think you just covered a lot of gaps i was unsure of still, even though i have tried to work on myself alot for years now, but so far without therapy just by myself, but this has made me come to the point where i will need help to get myself out of this better, I defo have both Cod and Cptsd, i hate hurting others like a plague and will often take on hurt and blame to safekeep others, and i have come a long way but im nowhere near done, thank you for covering this basis that i feel is sometimes left out. and thanks for being more or less "brutally" candid, sometimes that is required!
Spot on! I felt immense remorse when I finally figured out my husbands and my "dance". I knew that I was part of the problem and allowed him to treat me as he did. The only difference was my big land-mine is abandonment. I would allow anything as long as I didn't feel abandonment or lonely. It wasn't guilt that my parents manipulated me with, they both just abandoned me all together. I am not a narcisist magnet, no sir.... I am drawn to narcisists because that is the only love I had ever known. Any normal love felt unnatural and uncomfortable.
My land mine is definitely abandonment as well. Like you, by both parents. There was also sexual abuse in there which adds a whole other layer of fuckery to it. But yes, even though I ended things with my ex who was a covert narc and text book psychopath, I have horrid feelings of abandonment anxiety even though I have zero desire to be with him and don't even really miss him. I'm just hung up on that he betrayed me by lying and cheating the whole time we were together when I stupidly thought he was "my knight in shining amor". Us co dependents want to believe in that notion of someone "saving" us. Unfortunately it's to our detriment and we must learn to heal and become secure.
You are so very right. Being in a sinful swamp with a narcissist is still being in a sinful swamp. The mud and slime is still covering you. You’re just as dirty. I figured this out recently and started pulling myself up out and I’m trying to take a shower now. It’s hard though. We’re not perfect little princesses.
Thank you for not sugarcoating the truth!!! I am codependent and I've lied to myself for years when I wasn't getting the desired result. I invited a covert narc in my life and all the abuse involved. But through this I've been able to get honest bc I'm tired of making myself the victim and Ive decided I'm making a change. Your video was extremely helpful in keeping me honest with myself 💜
I remember those days. I might as well have had a sign on my back saying "Kick Me".
IMHO this is absolutely the BEST & MOST HONEST video you've ever made. It really hit home. About 6 months ago I realized I really wasnt the "victim" I liked to tell myself I was. And it really sucked to admitt how manipulative I really can be or how many "games" I also played in my marriage. It kind of pissed me off when I realized it b/c I had fooled myself into thinking HE was the manipulative a-hole and I was just his helpless "victim". Truth be told, it was a bitter pill to swallow when I realized I picked him BECAUSE he treated me as shitty as my mother did. What is weird is that the Ah Ha moment came during a conversation with my best friend, not thru therapy.
She mentioned someone I had dated before my H and I got to thinking about our relationship. He was actually a really good guy and I suddenly remembered how I couldnt stand how nice he was to me. It made me soooooo uncomfortable and I never understood why!! One day he did something that any "normal" female would think was awesome but I was soooo angry. I actually told him he wasnt a REAL MAN b/c he was too nice and I broke up with him that day.
( IK.... total bitch move!) I finally realized that I just couldnt take someone being so nice to me. It sounds messed up but I couldnt help it. At that time, Nice ='d Wimpy.
Then along comes my H, who was kind of nice at first, but not really. He could be a totally unapologetic a-hole at times and BOOM, I was "in love" and back in familiar territory. The longer I stayed, the meaner he got, and once again I knew how to act.
I had no idea back then that I NEEDED someone who would treat me as badly as I thought I deserved to be treated. I also had no idea that being what he "jokingly" called his "in house slave" was how I was used to be treated since I was a kid. I had no idea that DOING 🚫 = LOVING.
That conversation w/ her made me realize that I wasnt blameless in the crap that happened in my marriage. Not only did I Allow alot of it, but I CAUSED a bunch of it too. I also realized that if I wanted to heal, I had to quit throwing the "victim" card & take responsibilitu for all the damage I caused my kids by staying with someone who treated us like that.
It still sucks to know that I basically did this to myself. And that its not all my H's fault. But it also means I get to change into somebody better and quit pretending I have no control over the next chapter in my life. I now try to think about my healing like its physical exercize.... it totally sucks while you're doing it, but eventually you end up stronger for it. I still have days where I revert back to my totally dysfunctional ways, but they seem to happen less often. For that I am truely thankful.
I just want to say Thank You for all the videos you've done about this topic. Without your input I dont think Id have gotten to be this better & more authentic version of Me.
You just described me
@@hazeleyes2381 😉 At this point I hope I am self aware enuf to look back and say "WTF was I thinking?" and NOT beat myself up over it.... but it truely is a sucky situation when you realize that you were playing as dirty as they were. My saving grace and new mantra is- Now that I Know Better I have NO Excuse not to DO Better.
D. Williams, you just told my story. However, I am still getting in touch with my responsibility. I still have some work to do.
Thank you.
@@sasha1641 The whole responsibility thing gets easier. Its also pretty empowering once you really start to believe that its up to YOU what names you're going to answer to. Victim is no longer on my list of names I apply to myself.
Thank you for your real account of your healing journey...
It really helps.
Tough pill to swallow but by your description I am codependent. I vow to change this and I have done a lot of work, and after seeing your video I realise I still have more work ahead of me. My ex wife used me a cast me for children and checked out of the marriage and to this day I still see the better version of her. My ex girlfriend started the same pattern and I then realised I am attracted to horse shit like a March fly. I own that it was all me and self harm and self loathing, self sabotage, neurotic drive to serve, not please but serve It was all me. Thank you for the deeper and clearer understanding of the depths of my personal issue. 🙏🏾
Richard! Thank you for this. This landed so hard and true. When you said “you’ve never seen a slave like me” I teared up like crazy. Thank you for this.
GENIUS. "I'll be the slaviest slave you ever had..." Just brilliant. Thank you!!!!
This is so dead on, wow...
I've been working on this alone for a couple of years, and it's a huge relief to see that I'm on the right track. It's actually recognizing this tendency that started me on the path leading me to CPTSD, which has changed everything. I still have a tragic tendency to Be The Helpful Person, even when I recognize that I'm being manipulated, I have to struggle to restrain myself. The consistency with which people mistreat me is directly correlated with the need to be their Savior, and then be bitter with them because they took it from me and then did not appreciate me or treat me like I have value. Even knowing all that, I find that I do not know how to be anybody else, I don't have the ability to see the outcome if I just say no, other than rejection, punishment, and pain, guaranteed. That is actually the thing I'm struggling with the worst, is not having the right tools to take a different direction than the one I've been taking for The Last 5 Years. I'm not a coward, I am considered by most people to be incredibly strong, and I am as brave as you can fathom a person being, unless I'm in a position where I have to decide between accepting that I have to give up something of myself in order to this person happy, or accepting that nothing will keep them happy because it's eventually going to come crashing down. In other words, it feels incredibly hopeless, because the end result is going to be that I am going to be cast aside not being worth anybody's time, and I've been in this position for so long without understanding what I was doing most of the people in my life are fairly interest in their habits as badly as I am. In the last three years I have lost 90% of my friends, my business has almost failed, and my relationships with new people are very difficult, and it's a direct result of me actually healing, which is exacerbating all of the things that cause me pain in the first place. This is such a difficult situation to be in, and I just want to thank you all for being here and sharing your yourselves with the world. It's incredibly therapeutic to feel understood.
An extremely important video. It explains so much that the majority of people won't or can't explain. Thank you!
Listening to this freeked me out...this ia absolutely spot on.
Allways believed this but havent heard it put this way...
When you realise you have a long way to go .
Hoping for a HUGE aha moment. It’s much faster ☺️
It's extremely daunting 😔
Yup
Spot on Richard! Co-dependency is deadly...It took me years of therapy, reading 5000 plus books, 3 degrees , countless courses, groups, addictions, recoveries etc to find out what you have just explained in 17:48. thank you :)
Andrea Edgar relax bruh ... geez
@@dynastydojo5988 Spoken like a controller you relax bruv Geez
I’ve been listening to this message repeatedly. Gotta get it engrained in my head. Must. Break. Free!
💥 💪🏻 🧠 ❤️
Your direct, no fluffing approach speaks right to my core. You offer clear vision which provides a realistic platform from which to work. Thank you SO MUCH.
OMG, you REALLY hit the nail on the head.... I'm sitting here speechless.....
I am shook. Feel like you pimp slapped me. Suddenly all the information I’ve been learning, has been catalyzed and makes sense. I just unsubscribed from all channels but three on this topic.
He just put it on the glass!
As a fellow Brit I love your straight attitude and angle to all this crap of Narcissism and co-Dependency... thank you
I love your style of delivery. Obviously the content is very serious and it resonates 100% with me. I can hear myself being described in glorious techni-colour. However, I have to thank you for making me laugh at myself and the whole Co-dependent/Narc' setup. My day starts so much better after watching your videos.
“Usually, most of you, it’s mummy or daddy. ‘Why mummy and daddy were perfect?!’ Maybe, or maybe you’re in a large river in Africa...” I probably shouldn’t have laughed that hard after hearing that.... Thanks for another enlightening video!!!
In The Nile River, Denial!
I really enjoyed this video...and I feel that this is very accurate..a lot of the CZcams/internet coaches think that just cuz they were in a few disfunctional relationships that I hwy have the know how to give others advice...they preach that codependency and victim mentality like it makes you a good person..it wasn't until I up really started to heal and grow that I saw this..we need to hold ourselves accountable for letting people abuse us as well as the abuser.💓
Yes...
Facts
Richard, I adore that you say "Fuck" and refer to the perfectionists and holy rollers' commentaries! I love how you explain what I'm living, and how brunt you hit the truth so I can grow♡ drill me with these facts, help me recreate myself wise and educated & healed from C-PTSD.
We have to take responsibility of our choices otherwise we are no better than the narcissist. Great stuff.
"This isn't fucking Thundercats" - thanks for the straight-talking, Richard. Felt like you were talking right to me.
Agreed. I meditate, and in my meditation group there's been a lot of "oh you can't be angry or sad" bs, because they don't understand that spirituality is not to exist without emotions... The people who say this is also extremely codependent. Very dysfunctional people. Codependent are as dysfunctional as narcs. We're not victims. Yes we've been abused, but when you wake up and understand that then take fucking responsibility for yourself
I think anger is such a powerful emotion in that it can be highly motivating as well as informative. Just need to make sure its not used in a harmful/ entitled manner.
@@jpp2377 exactly. And to be able to discern you have to feel. You have to feel the feeling and discern whether or not you are in a safe situation, if what you have experienced was good or bad etc. You can't assert a boundary if you won't allow yourself to feel. To not feel is extremely codependent. It's how we learned to survive as children, by fawning, dissociation from our emotions. Feeling is extremely important part of recovery. First anger, then grieving, then joy of being free from the abusor/abusors. If you don't let the emotions rise up, you won't be able to get it out of your body. And like you say, anger can be productive. My anger after I found out that I was a codependent, fueled my healing process. I was like "I'm gonna understand what the hell went wrong and where it went wrong and I'm gonna fix it!!!!! And I'm never staying in a dysfunctional relation ever again!!!!! Anger made me take responsibility for how I felt and how I wanted to feel
Demonizing of expressions of anger is a sign of just how feminized the western culture has become. There is such a thing as 'righteous anger' (example: Jesus overturning the money changers tables and driving them out of the synagogue with a whip).
Unfortunately, western governments are in lock step with the feminization of all anger is bad, because an empowered population is dangerous to their tyranny. All mainstream outlets are inherently evil in that they don't want an empowered society.
A classic example of this is the Duluth Model of Abuse power wheel, of which ALL Domestic Violence laws in America are crafted upon the 'research' Duluth provided. All 'Abuse' is perpetrated by men, and men must be subject to anger management classes, no matter what the circumstances that created the so called abuse. This is merely a codependent training course most of the time.
It seems that the toxicity of the NPD/ASPD requires the toxicity of the CoDependent in order to survive, Much like Marxism requires a Central Bank/fiat money/Heavy progressive income taxation to survive.
It's time to wake up and see that we are 'useful idiots' on so many levels, because we have a tendency to 'Go along, to Get Along'. It's 'nice' and nice is evil. I've found it's better to be 'kind' My definition of what kindness is can be summed up in the Rolling Stones song, "You can't always get what you want."
You're a great person. Thank you sincerely. It's relieving and necessary to hear the harsh truth. Narcissists and codependent are both just flipsides of the same coin ; no one can "save" you but you, owning up to these harsh truths and having the guts to look them in the eye and make a change. Otherwise you are just wasting your time.
Okay, I know this is serious, but you just said "This is not fxzking Thundercats!" And I couldn't help but start laughing. Love it!
I no longer see myself as a co-d victim. I caused chaos in my marriage. I see it now. I was driven to make it all better, regardless of the consequences. With your damned preaching (and couple others) I've faced it. Moved out.
👍😁 “the damned preacher” I like that - glad it helped!
I did the same with my (in my opinion) borderline ex-wife. Bent over backwards, worked myself into the ground and let her just sit on her laptop posting to her online forum about how spiritual and awake she is. After I started putting down boundaries she had an affair and left, which taught me a huge lesson about the necessity and effectiveness of good boundaries.
Could you share some motivation tips on how you took the power back ? Im sure here is the place
@@Getnodrama search his channel of all his videos... he's got a video on everything Narc & NLP healing - and a great 30 day program as well
@@SheTechs it is just good to hear each different path. It seems more effective on me than applicable theory, even if i may benefit from it too
Both actually have “self love deficit” in common.
You are fucking amazing. Finally someone has addressed these people babbling online about new age shit and trauma. So many people are now brainwashed into a weakened state of mind and rather than focusing on healing they sit in a puddle of poor me.
“There’s a selfish piece of shit, why don’t I give them the keys to my house” indeed 🥺 glad to be learning and moving forward. This man is legendary ❤️
You explain this so well. Sometimes we keep going with the co-dependacy just to have a feeling of peace but it doesn't last long.. pretty much gotta just shut down the cycle cause no matter how much you try to make the person comfortable they will always have an emergency for you to come fix. Its exhausting! And sure does leave alot of resentment.
When I put my feet to the fire and made myself look at what my role was/is in all my relationships, the game changed. Not easy, very painful, but so worth it. Layers keep coming up, and I look forward to undoing my illusions.
I love that you just say it as it is, calling people out on their shit.
I’m laughing out loud while having flash backs and realizing my patterns.
Thank you 🙏
Oh my God, this is BRILLIANT! Thank You! I understood this with more certainty, than any of the didactics on Codependency, that I had to go to when hospitalized for an eating disorder (1990's "It's not what you're eating, it's what's eating you!"). I scored so high on our checklist, I was considered a "Flaming Co-Dependent"! LOL! Really, Richard, Thank You So Much for this in-depth lesson. Very, enlightening! And Life-Affirming! I understand better what I'm working with (in myself) now. I think I had forgotten...or is that just denial? 🙄😊And yes, I was my mother's 'confidante', at the age of 5. She made a lot of excuses for my Dad ("A Flaming Narcissist"). At this point in my life, I just want to keep striving to grow to be a better human. It's friggin' hard! Thanks for your guidance!
I agree Richard. Co-dependency is brutal. I am a recovering co-dependent. It’s a nightmare lol. You have to work on it daily. It took years for me to admit co-dependency. It is absolutely linked to CPTSD. Yes intimacy is a huge trigger as a co-dependent. I love your honesty Richard. 👍👍. To set boundaries is hard to learn to do as a co-dependent. It’s a challenge. My recovery will never stop. Yes parentified child. I agree we chose Narcs. It took me years to see it. Ouch. Yes our people pleasing is sick. I want my sacrifices to others listed on my grave 😂😂😂😂. Just kidding. Great video.
Thank
Sobering thought…that I will go to my death from drowning due to all the holes I put in my boat while attempting to save others from drowning. What was the point of all this again? Who did I save? Nobody. Who was I at the end of it? Just another casualty of low self worth. Was it worth it? No.
Am I worth it? Yes!!!!!!
I feel what you are saying with one change: rather than guilt being the driving under current, I would posit that it is fear of abandonment.
Suzanne
I agree. It anchors the slave mentality. Do this says others, yes master says the codependent, just don’t leave me. Guilt is a tool used as one of the hooks to the anchor of the fear of abandonment. That’s how I interpret it anyway.
I thought guilt was spot on perfect.
I would say it's both. We get a double whammy.
Avoiding the sheer TERROR I felt about being abandoned was probally the driving force for 95% of my life so far. I even manipulated my kids into not leaving me. Even tho I now recognize how dysfunctional it is to feel that way, I still have to fight the urge not to do things perfectly for fear someone will "reject" me somehow. Its a long road thats for sure.
Sounds like borderline territory...
This is so true, thank you for this. If we tolerate the abuse we are toxic towards ourselves and reflect that same toxicity to the outside.
Brilliant ! Especially that ‘ollocks about anger, “you are not spiritual if you get angry “ .
Awesome! Thank you for helping me identify what I dealing within myself. Was in denial of codependency. Yep that’s me. Know I know what I need to heal. ❤️
I no longer wish to be a slave, although I am exceptionally good at it
Well put!
I'm an amazing SLAVE. No more.... fuck that!
Richard, your teaching is a blessing, thank you so much.
Richard - thanks for using the word: COWARD
Both co-dependants and narcissists are cowards.
I have seen it in Christianity and its present in almost ALL religions and atheism (which no one wants to believe is also a religion)
There is always a slave/master in these relationships and ALWAYS anger and resentment.
There can NEVER be peace, happiness and equality in these relationships.
You have hit the nail on the head
15 minutes in, listening on earbuds, and I've cried twice, laughed loudly once, and shook my head in agreement at least three times... I'm sure my kids think I'm bat shit now. Thanks, Richard lol.
"It takes two to tango."
May all beings everywhere find a better way to dance with each other. Life will be truly be juicy when humanity can release these non-ideal survival strategies. Uh, yeah, lots of work to do. 💗 Thank you, Richard Grannon, for actively synthesizing this area of human experience. Thank you for keeping it honest and up to date.
THANK YOU!! Narcissists are co-dependent, co-dependents are narcissists.
I was codependent and like an inverted narcissist. I was even treated for C-PTSD, but then I saw other people being “helpful”, like me, and eventually put the pieces together and realised I was being a controlling, projecting cunt. My ex, who’s narcissistic did the same to me and terrorised me with “help”, it was sick, and I also became obsessed with “helping” him with his narcissism. It was just a mess, and yes we were both traumatised as children, running away from feelings of guilt.
This video is accurate!
Holy shit! You just blew my mind. “A neurotic drive to serve based on a terror of negative emotions.” I am LITERALLY driven at a physiological level to avoid heavy negativity from my family and my ex. It feels impossible, absolutely impossible to do the best thing for me or my daughter because of the level of condemnation and criticism I would receive. It’s magnetic! I feel mentally and emotionally forced in the other direction. Wow!!!! I’m listening!! … and the trauma bond is for real! That’s how I ended up going from a covert to an overt… I f‘ing chose them because of childhood conditioning. Shit! 🤦🏼♀️😖