The Hidden Danger of Overly Positive Parenting
Vložit
- čas přidán 29. 08. 2023
- We often shower our children with genuine praise to celebrate their accomplishments and also to boost their confidence, inspire them to explore, and raise them up.
But a fascinating study revealed that the way we praise our children can have a huge impact on their long term confidence and outcomes in academic and other areas of life.
In this video I'll walk you through the different ways in which we can compliment and praise children, and how these different approaches impact our little ones. Then we'll look at what appears to be a much more effective way to praise and encourage children based on the recent research.
As always, I hope you find this helpful!
✅ Get your free Communication Milestones Chart here: brightestbeginning.com/commun...
💡 If you're struggling with your toddler's big emotions and would like to learn strategies for managing challenging toddler behaviour, our course Happy Place is here to help. Check it out here: brightestbeginning.com/happy-...
📱 Follow me on Instagram: / brightest.beginning
☕ Just want to say thanks? A good coffee is the way to my heart 😂. You can buy me one here: www.buymeacoffee.com/emmahubbard
#emmahubbard #toddlerbehavior #toddlerdevelopment
📖 Study Referred To In This Video
Mueller, C. M., & Dweck, C. S. (1998). Praise for intelligence can undermine children's motivation and performance. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 75(1), 33-52. doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.75....
Disclaimer:
The content on this channel is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice and should not be relied on as health or personal advice.
If you have any questions or concerns about the health of your child, yourself or a family member, always seek guidance from your doctor or a qualified health professional. The content on this channel does not substitute, supersede or replace the advice of a medical professional. Never disregard the advice of a medical professional, or delay seeking professional medical advice because of something you have seen on this channel.
If you are in any way concerned that you or a person in your care may be experiencing a medical emergency, call the relevant emergency services in your area immediately.
External (outbound) links found on this channel, or resources, websites, or other content sources mentioned by this channel are not endorsed by this channel (Emma Hubbard) or it's owner (Hubbard Digital Pty. Ltd.) in any way. Under no circumstances is Emma Hubbard or Hubbard Digital Pty. Ltd. responsible for the claims of third party content providers, websites or educational providers.
If you wish to seek clarification on the above matters please contact Hubbard Digital Pty. Ltd. via the contact email on this channel.er
What do you say to praise your little one? I like to praise my little ones on their effort and determination! They are very determined little souls! 😂
Don't forget to get your free Communication Milestones Chart here: brightestbeginning.com/communicationmilestoneschart/
I always tell my 1 year old son good job" lol. Thanks so much for your videos, they have helped me sooo much! It makes being a new mom not so scary lol!
It's my pleasure! Sounds like you are enjoying being a mum which is so nice to hear!
@@EmmaHubbard absolutely being a mom is honestly the best job in the world!!
I agree 🙂
I tend to do a mix, sometimes it just easier to say "good job", but I can tell that being more specific has such a different and better reaction!
Today I had a perfect example. Our boy has been very bossy lately, trying out his boundaries and practicing his strong will (this is mine, you can't use that, you cant go on this slide, etc)
In the weekend he had struggles at a park sharing. We explained the park is for everyone to share and play together in. Today he was in a situation where another child wanted to join him on a play set. I could see his face think and reconsider. And he said "come play with me" Afterwards I said something among the lines of "it was so nice to see you share the playground today, you invited her to come with you. And she wanted to play with you because you were kind to her!" And he repeated the words " i was kind, she played with me!" And he looked so proud of himself!
This is such a great example! It's so nice when you see their proud little faces! It honestly makes my day when I see our little ones bursting with pride❤️
I’m really frustrated because I try to do this with my child however my husband thinks it doesn’t matter and when I showed him this video and what we should try to do with our child he just laughed at me. It sucks when both parents aren’t on the same page with parenting but I will be sure to do this with my daughter!
Even if he doesn’t do it, I think your child will feel the difference. By hearing your specific praises they’ll really understand like “wow mom is so kind and cares about my effort”. As a teacher, I only get to do so much while the kids are with me, but it does make a difference! They remember me and the words I used during that one year I have them.
@@dreaminginjapan thank you so much, you are very kind 🥺💜
I'm really holding back saying bad things about you husband. Sometimes they can be dickheads ☹️ keep doing what you're doing maybe he will learn something.
I am in an identical situation to yours. My husband and I don’t see eye to eye on multiple parenting styles/beliefs and it’s really, really hard. ☹️❤️
Hmm. Maybe it hit “too close to home” 🤔
My husband and I always praise the effort not the result.
E.g. if my toddler draws a picture i don't say "oh wow! You're an artist!" I say "you used the purple crayon to make your picture. I can see you worked really hard on that"
Or "you packed up all the toys, that was a lot of work. Well done!"
Love that!
This is such incredible advice. It's taken a lot of unlearning, but my favorite things to praise my toddler now are, "Wow you've been working so hard on that. You did it, you knew you could. You should feel proud of how much effort you put into this. Look at how much you've improved since you started working on this." One of the best pieces of advice I got from this channel was that we don't have to praise everything all the time. I stopped saying "good job" every time he does something, and he doesn't look to me for validation. I was a "gifted" kid who craved validation and praise because I really did think I was loved for my intelligence. I did everything for praise. I don't want to make my kids feel the same way.
Sounds like you are helping to build your little one's confidence and belief in their own abilities without needing the external validation from others. This internal belief is going to help them throughout life!
Oh, these are such precise words! My students used to pause after literally every word they said seeking for approval on my part. Now I see that I had most probably exaggerated with this "good job", so that they got addicted to it.
Pardon the irony but well done! So nice to read your comment.
@@bkilg2509 I appreciate you! Unlike my son, I thrive on praise 😅
But how do you know when to validate, but more so when not to?
Communicating in a way kids understand is so important. I was trying to explain to my 5 year old niece how to use her inhaler and told her "inhale on 3" so she would do that when I hit the button. On 3, she exhaled. And at first I was kind of annoyed because I thought I gave clear instruction. It took me just a quick second to realize she wasn't being defiant, she didn't know what "inhale" meant. Of course she didn't, she was 5 at the time! So I told her we could try again, and explained that inhale means to breathe in, and then I demonstrated. After that everything was fine. But it was an eye opener to me who hadn't given much thought to the words I choose when speaking to Littles.
Thanks so much for sharing!
“Mindset” by Carole Dweck should be required reading for everyone, especially parents. It will completely undermine and redirect how you think about yourself and others. I didn’t read it until I was a mom but it would have benefitting me greatly as a perfectionist teenager.
It is fantastic and extremely interesting! Definitely changes your perspective.
This definitely happened to me as a child and teenager. Any achievement was taken as granted because I was obviously smart enough for everything. Made me come home proud with my first bad mark ever, since it made me feel normal. Now I am a perfectionist shying away from challenging tasks, trying to build resilience from the ground up. Thank you for doing these videos so fewer parents make this mistake.
I turn 33 this year. I'm right there with you. We can heal and learn together with our children to create an even stronger foundation. It's literally the name of the game. Never-ending creation and destruction. Ouroboros.
I think something to consider about praising effort is that our society prioritizes effort and output to the detriment of individuals. It was indeed smarter for the kids to choose the easier task, as effective output for minimal effort is optimal in our capitalist society. That could be something taught when the kid is older, though.
For example, choose tbe college professor that is easy because graduate/law/med schools look at GPA and not the specific instruction yoy received. Again, a lesson tor an older child/teen.
I remember realising as a young teen how much being told I was smart when i was young really made it hard to deal with the times when I wasn't performing at that "smart" standard. Particularly with undiagnosed ADHD.
I'm the same. Undiagnosed ADD as a kid/teen/young adult and this really messed me up.
The Montessori way is such a great method to help grow kids. For the last 9 years, i praised my kids for every single accomplishment till i saw and read of the Montessori method of approach. Now i am woke and aware of my mistakes when i see my 7 year old daughter whine and give up when faced with certain challenges or tasks instead of giving it a try😅. Thanks for the effort put in this video!
This is such good information. It's kind of a habit to say "you are so smart" for us, so we need to work on changing that more often... thank you!
I'm still working on it! 😂 I actually caught myself today telling my 9 month old that she is so clever when she started clapping. It's just so easy to do! 😂
Now I think I understand where my anxiety, lack of confidence and Just general fear of doing any task, especially if its expected of me to do well.
Thank you for making this video. This is the kind of praise I was raised on (by parents who meant nothing but the best, of course!), and I've always had a hard time articulating the effect it had on me. You are spot-on.
Thanks for sharing!
This is tough!! I watched the video about "be careful" and now I like cringe when I say it! Lol I like that these videos bring things to my attention that I had 0 clue about, so heloful!
I had a yr 5/6 teacher tell my parents, during my (UK) SATs parents evening, that I had worked so hard to get my results and that I should be so proud. I got what I had strived for, but my anxiety had got the best of me and I wanted my parents to work out if I'd "only just passed", or if I'd actually properly passed...at 11yrs old!!!
I was just talking about this a few days ago! I have a 2 year old daughter who's behavior has changed so radically from bad to great and if I praise her these days she is even more cooperative. We live alone so I really want to have a good relationship and communication with my daughter.
Thanks for everything Emma!
I m trying to change my habit. Thanks for info
This is an eye opening video for most of the parents out there.
Oh wow. This is the only video on how to praise children I’ve encountered that make sense, and fact based
Speaking to myself this way is even helpful 😅 thank you ❤
I've been watching your channel religiously since I became a first time mom. Thank you for the terrific educational content. I truly rely on your professional advice to wade through so much other confusing opinions out there.
When I was a kid, the first grades my parents always looked at where participation and conscientiousness. They reenforced these two were the most important because they wanted a child who tried hard and was kind over a mean kid with a 4.0.
I love this! I’m also a teacher and would have loved to have learned this in university
I love videos like this! It's something I wouldn't have thought of but makes perfect sense! I always want to do better as a parent. We are not born knowing how to do this and research into stuff like this should be more normal ❤
Thank you!
Thank you so much for all of the resources you so freely offer. You help and encourage this mom every day. Thank you, bless you!
You are so welcome!
Thanks, Emma. Your videos are always so helpful and informative.
Thanks so much!
I came here to prepare for how to try and best raise my own expected little one, but this made me confront how I was raised, too.
I hope it helped a little.
Time will tell! Thank you @@EmmaHubbard
Such a great and helpful video! I've been unsure on how to best praise my toddler so this is really helpful. Do you have any advice on how to best support toddlers with speech delay? My 19-month-old shows a great understanding of language spoken to her, but doesn't repeat words back. Her only word is 'Dada'.
Wow! glad i was able to see this video in time, I was recently making it a habit to call my toddler smart! Thank you so much!
You are so welcome!
Fantastic! Yes I agree 100%! I always say “
You are putting in a great effort, “
Excellent!
Emma’s explanation is always easy for us as parents to understand ❤ thank you
I'm so glad!
Thank you for sharing this information.i have a 2 y.o. and have been watching your videos since before she was born. So much good you are doing! Please don't stop.
Thanks so much!
I’m looking for this topic , perfect timing
Hopefully it was helpful!
@@EmmaHubbard yes Thank you for making videos about toddlers
Thanks for sharing the study! Really helpful to know there's something to back up what I've been doing.
I often use adult words but try to explain it in easier language, rather than avoid using adult language entirely. I do have a tendency to over explain and add a load of caveats though, because I don't want my child to be too black and white in their thinking, but i know it usually results in info overload for a toddler! So I'm working on just saying 'this is known as xyz, which, most of the time, means abc'!
Thanks so much for sharing!
I really enjoyed this video- probably also because it doesn’t have a title telling me what I’m doing wrong as a parent for once!
Glad you enjoyed the video!
So much!!! Choosing easy tasks to prove I'm smart rather than something to challenge me to become smarter
I think I did this as a child too!
Great video!!!
Glad you liked it!
i always say good job and i’m so T I R E D of it !! thank you sm for this video ♥️
No problem!!
But when you tell them " good job" You are praising their effort or am i wrong?
hello! do you know if emma has a book with all the contents of her videos? i find her truly inspiring and would love to have all the information in a same place
I still vividly remember my embarrassment in my first year at a new school when I didn’t know the capital of Florida even though I was supposed to be “the smart kid”
What about affirmations? I am Smart, I am strong, I am cute , I am happy?
ever since I've watched your video I'm very self aware of how I say these a lot. But it's really difficult for me not to say it because that's how I've been praise my whole life :/
what if you use both? e.g. "that test was so hard but you did it! You're so smart." - does the "you're so smart" comment affect their thought process even though you've praised their efforts? Just curious.
I want to know that too.
My baby is almost 15 months old but he doesn’t react to his name..though we have been calling him baby and other pet name for some time.. but am worried.. I tell everyone to call him by his name but he ignores..
That's because those kids alreadyy know "Work smarter, not harder"😂😂!
Lol, im just joking around😅
😂
Has Carol Dweck's study been replicated by others in the field? The results are so dramatic they make me a little skeptical
I am not getting the milestone chart in my mailbox. What's the reason?
It might be in your spam/junk folder?
@@EmmaHubbard I anticipated the same and had checked, it wasn't there as well.
Is it applies on ADHD kids
I see a lot of myself in this video
I am not receiving any of the charts 😢😢😢
while i agree with the main message here im going to have to disagree with the statement that we should only speak to a child using simple language. the argument that it's like talking to ur child in a foreign language is kind of dumb because there is nothing wrong with talking a foreign language its, if anything, beneficial for them to be exposed to new and complicated things. while i think its important to remember the limitations of what they understand and use simple language stratigically when its likely to lead to frustration otherwise, its not beneficial long term to dumb everything down
Agree. Challenge is what makes us grow. Best thing to facilitate this is to teach your children that it's fine for them to say 'I don't understand ', so you know when to explain.
Oh, no, we say this. And our older one is already worried he will not achieve this status in the upcoming school year.
It's never too late to change how you praise your child. It just takes a little conscious effort on our part to remember, as it's so natural to compliment them based on their intelligence.
@@EmmaHubbard thank you for the information!
Just don't over praise. If they acttualy do somthing in excellence praise and be kind but don't praise when they haven't done somthing extordinary. My son knows the difference between throwing a ball well and not well. And he strives to always throw best now and hes only 2 and everyday i can imagine him one day breaking a window and me laughing and going through that .
Don’t dumb down language, just explain what words mean and strengthen their vocabulary
Mean while in Asian communities parents almost I'll wish there children
Praising a child for being smart is essentially praising them for the LACK of effort they can put into things, which is the opposite of what we want.
Thanks for sharing.