So we’ve been dating all wrong, science says.
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- čas přidán 15. 06. 2024
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Chapters:
00:00 - Introduction
00:38 - 8 least important traits
01:45 - Get therapy
03:38 - The important stuff
05:55 - Does personality matter?
07:22 - What to look for
The study: www.pnas.org/doi/full/10.1073...
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0:17 one frame is added between video.
🌷❤
My love for you is pure and true,
Your character shines like the morning dew.
Your mind is sharp and wise,
Your spirituality a beautiful surprise.
Your beauty radiates from within,
A heart full of love and kindness therein
May your life be filled with love and light,
May your path be blessed with all that's right.
You are a treasure to behold,
A precious gem worth more than gold.
I am grateful for the gift of you,
My love for you forever true.
My love for you is like the stars above,
Endless and eternal, full of love.
Your character shines like the sun,
A true reflection of the Almighty One.
Your mind is sharp and wise,
A fountain of knowledge that never dies.
Your spirituality is a beautiful sight,
A beacon of hope in the darkest night.
Your beauty radiates from within,
You are a treasure to behold,
A precious gem worth more than gold.
Your body parts are a work of art,
Each one a masterpiece that sets you apart.
And your love and affection is what makes me weak.
And your encouragement and smile makes me strong and keeps me going on
Your love for God is pure and true,
A testament to your faith that shines through.
Your fear of Him is a sign of respect and love to him, A virtue that makes you perfect.
Refraining from sin and ill behavior,
Shows your strength and good character.
Your beauty is for my eyes only,
A privilege that makes me feel holy.
Addicted to you, I will always be,
For your love is my only destiny.
Wise advice I give to you today,
Cherish your love and never stray.
Stay true to yourself and your beliefs,
For they are the foundation of your relief.
Love with all your heart and soul,
And let God's light guide you to your goal.
May your life be filled with love and light,
May your path be blessed with all that's right.🌷❤ ,
Hello Lana :)
BHelp are scammerz...
so we've dating all wrong huh?
alright Lana let me take you out on a date
*and let me lay you **_right after_* ***kisses Lana passionately***
“You want to look for a partner who seems genuinely interested in you, who is good at perspective taking with you, and who seems to be responsive to your needs. Someone who makes you feel understood, validated, and cared for”. So powerful
That feel when you realize there is nobody like that in you life, not only partner-wise
This is what I’ve been looking for but I remain unconvinced that men in their 30s who aren’t already with someone and are good at this exist 😩
@@LorraineVirginiedon’t know what to tell you, they’re in the UV light range of your vision
@@LorraineVirginie I'm equally unconvinced that women in their early 20s who are good at this exist.
@@nicholashartmann4525 Keep your chin up, they do. Typically though at that age if they're good at these things, it's because they've seen some shit. There's nothing wrong with that of course, not like they could help it, but you need to go in with eyes open and be ready to support in return.
Don't look for the perfect person, look for the perfect match.
Saw your comment, and for a moment thought that I already watched this video and left this comment, cause this is my exact words to everyone who’s looking
I was thinking this same thing as well when she was talking about personality not being important. Of course it is its about the compatibility of 2 personalities that create everything in the relationship.
Don't look for the perfect person be the perfect person
Their is no perfect match or perfect person. This isn't what to look for. Instead, it's better to focus on the qualities of a person's character and how they treat you and other people. Compatability comes with time, and experience. Expecting a potential partner to meet your needs, right away; is too much for anyone to handle at the get go of building a potential relationship. It's tiring for the human soul to have to endure the constant ego, needs and wants; at all times. We have to find fulfillment and meaning within ourselves first, not to seek it within relationships.
@@lostinkyoto8444 nope there is nothing perfect in this world. The first thing to look for the type of person that best fits you. You will bring out the best in each other when its the right fit Compatibility is the start of the relationship and the work you put in is how well it grows. If your not compatible then it will be harder to get to certain points in your relationship. There are needs our soul can only get through relationships that cannot be received any other way. Also when we get the fulfillment it is much easier to push the ego away it never goes away but it will not be the source of your personality when you do. Also yours and your partners needs change and you have to adjust if your not compatible from the start that is also a problem.
Dating apps are pulling wool over people's eyes. They teach you to overvalue all of the wrong things because it's very difficult to measure the "right things". It's also important to remember the motivations of most dating apps... They're designed to keep people using them, because that is how the app makes the most money.
You hit the nail on the head with this comment!
Yes, and unfortunately most people feel that dating apps are their only avenue for meeting people these days...
Righttt
@@Ang36914 this is the real tragedy
@@Ang36914 Yep. Apps are designed to be addictive and keep you on there. If they make you feel as though apps are the only way to meet people then the companies win!
Besides being heavenly pretty, she's the older calm, kind sister my inner child always wanted...…Thanks a lot Lana
True❤️🩹
Pretty she is, but boring and self obsessed as it gets. Ego fest of a channel.
Steady
And if she's good at taking perspective, she'll understand my anxiety around how all that hair could affect the drains.
@@karinababy6557 she is well above average
BetterHelp was honestly one of the worst experiences I've had. The person I got didn't bother to even remember what I said from session to session, wouldn't use headphones to stop really bad feedback, and told me to just get over the recent death of my dad. And there weren't many other people who were willing to make appointments outside of common work hours, contrary to their claims. It was horrid.
I'm sorry to hear that. That sounds really unprofessionell. Normaly therapists take notes so that they at least remember the most important things you said, so that they can help you in the best way. I hope you find a psychotherapist apart from betterhelp that's more professional and can really help you!
Write a complaint to the boss. They want to know if the people they hire do something unprofessional. It doesn't mean BetterHelp is bad, it just means the person they hired didn't do his/her job. Your complaint may be the reason the person gets fired. Don't let rude people get away with this.
@@misscleo_ Unfortunatelly there are TONS of reports like this! I also had 2 therapists before I reached out to them to get at least a partial refund because one of them clearly judged me for daring to not want to have kids while I actually seeked therapy to cope with my health problem that ironically anyway limits fertility strongly and the other one simply talked to me like I was a friend not guiding me once or ever but just letting me vent pointlessly. I waisted a full session ones just getting interviewed on a huge list about all forms of possible past traumas and basically got bombed with deep questions not relating once or ever to what my reason for therapy was and ended just irritated with no time left to even talk freely about my topic.
Should have received a full refund cause they just wasted my time. They don't even background check their therapists and give patients who are mentally unwell the responsibility to check credibility, when there are tons of real therapists getting their names hurt and stolen. It's ridiculous and the page should not be allowed to run this way.
I let them know. And the availability they advertised on was simply provided either.@@misscleo_
My experience was equally as bad. The first person didn't do video, phone only. The second person's advice was essentially "look on the bright side". Not clinical or therapeutic in any way. That and he was conducting sessions from a basement with some old gym equipment behind him, and he had a persistent smoker's cough (you could tell, he looked really, really rough). Never again.
Someone who makes you feel understood, validated, and cared for? Sure, as long as it’s not all an act to get into sexual territory with you.
you can do both!!!
that probably means you have nothing else to offer
Vet him through his friends and yours. What patterns has he shown in previous relationships? Find out if and how he lies in other parts of his life. What's his family like and what do they say about him? Job history, academic history. Scumbags be scummy all over the place, not just with you.
This. Actions and specific behaviour speak louder than words. Check how he behaves arround family, friends, strangers, children, animals, elders etc. Other people's opinion of the person are important. People he surrounds himself with have a certain reflection of his personality. The family vibe he comes from is more important than you think.
@@skinnyguy7773don't be willfully obtuse. You can have everything to offer and said person wants none of that. Case in point: people apply to go to a college, are rejected, yet go on to be successful. Imagine that instead of this college saying we don't just like you for us, they find a way to get you to part with your money or something of value to you and then cast you aside. This is a similar experience a lot of people have in dating, they don't see innate value in you, even though it doesn't say anything about your inherent value but because they want to bust a nut, they just act like they see value in you. Again, stop being willfully obtuse.
In my opinion, there's this common misconception about 'feeling the need' to be in a relationship. Like Lana addressed, desire and happiness are two different things. Someone who is dealing with personal issues shouldn't deceive themselves by thinking that those issues will be cured or fixed by the mere fact of having a relationship with someone else. Healing and growth is necessary to achieve that.
not having the relationship one wants is also a personal issue. being happy doesnt mean the right relationship will just manifest itself.
@@adamtash2891 Absolutely, I think it takes full commitment and effort. You don't get something for nothing. And even then there is no certainty. Still, it all comes down to self-love (I know cliché) which lays the foundation for so many things in life.
But romantic relationships provide both? That`s what I dislike about this video. Who gets in a relationship expecting either only sex(you can just skip the relationship part and get a hooker or go to a club and hook up with someone for a one night stand), or only happiness without desire(that`s friendship). So her description could apply for a regular friendship, because desire isn`t necessary for a relationship`s happiness. Otherwise very vague and not very detailed book. Like half of the video was either a sponsorship for getting therapy and putting some attachment styles theory and not explaining it??? Like she should have explained it in broad strokes, and not just say oh its complicated buy this book trust me it`s really good and totally worth it(totally not a random quasi-psychology quack book).
Kinda cope tbh. when I was in love in my teens it was probably the only period in my life when I was genuinely happy and enjoyed life. Love and relationships are such a lifefuel, it's definitely one of the most enjoyable human experiences. No point in denying it
@@augaz1456 So you’re basically saying to work on yourself before getting into a relationship.
Problem with dating apps (and something most people don't know) is that they're based on what's called the "halo effect", which means when we meet someone who is physically attractive or good looking we tend to associate that person with virtues and traits that they don't have or not so much. This cognitive bias is something to be considered and a warning not to judge a book by its cover.⚠
Never thought of it that way!! Thats a cool perspective
Def gonna,use that in conversation LMAO
@@adrianinhha Then remember the effect goes both ways: virtuous people also seem more physically attractive.
Yes and no matter what black pill people say, if you find someone you really click with, they absolutely start to appear more attractive.
Funny thing, I had a call with this local photography business specializing in dating profiles and the salesman was selling me on how to capture the best pictures of myself doing what I love to show the girls and have them see if they can find themselves doing it with me. The whole statistics thing was mind boggling.
For the price he suggested, I was shocked because they’re preying on a lonely guy to basically spend a lot of money to “potentially” impress girls on a dating app when that money could be spent on experiences with their friends or even themselves and have the fun to do it themselves.
The most shocking part was how they set up their clients not just with dating profile but on Google search too which weirded me out.
Hearing all this made me realize dating apps itself is a business that preys on one’s insecurities to suggest “potential” chances with money and it has made opportunities for many to make money around dating apps by preying on their insecurities and making profiles that d not guarantee much.
For me, I’d prefer meeting girls in person, whether it’s cold approach or meeting through common interests. This whole dating apps is way beyond me
6:10 You nailed it right here.
The INTENTIONs and ACTIONs of both partners towards common goals and each other in the relationship determine whether the relationship is created or not. I say created [or as you put it, build] because that's what a relationship is - something created on an ongoing basis. You don't need to cheat or break up to kill a relationship. Just stop participating long enough - no creation - leads to the relationship ceasing to exist, just like if you stopped watering your house plants, they would cease to exist after a time.
My wife and I went into the marriage knowing this thanks to a little fortunate research of our own on the topic. 25 years married so far, 31 years total together as of next month, and - I kid you not - she's still jumping up and down happy to see me when I get home from work, which is so endearing to see.
What do you do to maintain the relationship?
Knowing you feel comfortable with a person and being able to act like yourself without holding back is love that can’t easily be obtained, but in my opinion its the best one. Being able to be in eachother’s presence without noise and still be fine or happy is also a good one.
Usually comfort/loyalty and honesty make a great trio for long term love.
One thing - physical attractiveness and personality might not matter in *a* relationship. But that’s because they already were checked with the other person by *entering* the relationship.
Yes, you're right about those traits. Dating is a comparatively new thing societally though and 'the rules' of dating have been dismantled recently and now dating is like a dance, where no one knows what the steps are now. Confusing? Yes. I agree about working on yourself to understand yourself better though. 100%
I agree that it's mainly about the dynamics of the relationship that you build together. We are all different towards different people. Some bring out the worst in you and others bring out the best. As much as we all want to be consistent from person to person, we aren't. Humans are fickle in general and partners feed off the energy each exude towards one another. Learning to navigate eachother's changing energy with nuance is what builds trust, safety and a steady foundation in a good relationship.
I gotta ask. Can a person be a generally good person and still bring out the worst in you?
@@actual_susu I think so. Sometimes it's subconscious.. for example, a person has a quality or a similar appearance to someone from your past that you didn't get along with. You might have sour feelings towards that person because of your own past issues, which has nothing to do with them.
There's also the whole "twin flame" thing where there's the belief that we might meet people in our lives who rub us the wrong way and bring out our worst in order for us to bring those feelings to the surface so we can heal those qualities in ourselves. I have a co-worker that is irked by another co-worker because she's "too cheery" everyday and that gets on her nerves lol. Neither of them are bad people, just have different outlooks on life.
this is such a wonderful insight, thank you!! :>
isnt there a huge general sense amongst women that they kinda just sit back and respond to what a man does.....they dont ask out, they dont propose etc.....they select, passively. ...... it is generally shocking to me any time a woman is proactive in a relationship.....wish women were "builders" but I RARELY see it
@@adamtash2891 I guess some women fit into this stereotype the same way some men fit into a stereotype but everyone is different at their core. Within the differences, each person changes and grows all the time. If someone is looking for a relationship, it's not about the perception of what most women do or what most men do. It's about figuring out your own energy first and being genuine about it. That's what compells others that are meant for you to be drawn to you and vice versa. That goes for friendships as well.
There have been some guys that I have approached and others that have approached me in the past. When I met my husband, we just started talking to eachother at a gathering and we both pretty much knew right away it was something special. No expectations or games.
Everyone can probably tell within a couple of minutes if their vibes match and if that person brings out their good side. This excludes seeing someone through dating apps which have messed up many people's ability to find genuine matches for themselves.
I love this. It’s all about what you build together. ❤
One of my favourite words of advice I’ve heard is to schedule a relationship check-in with your partner. Connect with them on a biweekly or monthly basis and talk about goals, intimacy, appreciation and any grievances. Talking it out keeps your relationship on track and healthy. Open communication is always the key 😊✨
I agree! My partner and I do this once or twice a month and we both feel it helps us stay connected ❤
It can't be stressed enough how important that is. I can't wrap my head around people who are in relationships just for the sake of not being alone. You're sharing life with another person and are practically strangers. Intimacy can't be built and maintained without communication because people are always evolving; which means that sometimes the relationship gets left behind, holding a place in each others past but collecting dust in the present. It requires effort and consistency. Most people these days confuse "love" with "lust", it's no wonder why modern dating is so shallow and lifeless.
Underrated comment. I'd go so far as to say brilliant.
How can you create/build the relationship if you don't take the time to communicate on the regular? This cannot be understated. It is through communication that your partner remains _real_ to you, and establishes/maintains the affinity between you.
@@Conaty "...holding a place in each others past but collecting dust in the present." 🔥🔥🗣🗣🗣
@@jovanlee7714 I have my moments
a lot of single people think that they will be happy if they have a partner, and then a lot of couples who are dating think that they will be happy if they are married, and so on. people doesnt understand that they need to be content and happy with themselves before they can be happy with anyone one else. when you are unhappy and discontent you project this a lot and it could potentially taint any relationship you get into. learn to be content with yourself so you dont damage your relationships.
Spot-on.. If you aren't happy with what you got - you will never be happy with what you get. ;)
Fukcing yes
Yeah, although some people really want to be in a relationship but aren’t willing to fix themselves.
The only thing not mentioned is laughter. I tend to like somebody who makes me laugh. It's not about jokes for me, but a deeper laughter I get from the person's personality, body language, and how they handle the ups and downs of life. It takes awhile to know somebody on this level, which can be frustrating.
Or you laugh with someone regardless of them telling good jokes. Laughter is a sign you enjoy their company. But you might not laugh at an ugly person's funniest jokes while laughing with a boring idiot because they look good or make you feel good.
This is sooo true. At the end of the day do you feel safe, seen, heard, understood by your partner, even in the most difficult times?
I don't feel safe, im not seen or heard or understood by anyone. And if i say this women like you will start shaming me and humiliate me even more.
@@gabriellanoronha4804 Women who have infinite options and a huge ego.
@@tuinov6286 I understand how you feel. Many women did not give a chance. The ones who did turned out to be liars. I was supposed to go on a date with a supposed *Christian* girl and she ended up not showing up at the date location. I was sitting by myself all alone.
Next thing I know, that same girl ghosts me and immediately gets with some taller white kid. It made me feel so unloved and made me question my physical attractiveness. I see now that I was always an ugly young man and women do not find me appealing no matter how good of a person I am. Personality means absolutely nothing if women don't give you a chance in the first place.
@@DeRez19 I’m sorry that happened to you; however, it doesn’t mean you are less than or unloveable.
Everyone is not who they are, especially when we concoct some fantasy, and their actions are theirs, and that’s something we can’t control. What we can control is our actions and our response to their actions. Don’t let one girl’s actions hurt your ability to love, who you are, and your values.
Remember, you’ll find someone but it’s going to take time. So relax, do what you gotta do, and have fun along the way.
Love how you help so many people, Lana! You are very wise!
❤this video just came at the right timing as i was just exactly thinking about the last part of the vid after a trip yesterday with the guy that i’ve been seeing. it proved that what i’ve felt is right - he doesn’t make me feel regarded & respected as his behaviour speaks for himself that he’s not genuinely interested in me, not good at perspective taking care of me and not responsive to my needs. thank you thank you! now i’m more determined to walk away!
I can relate to a lot of this. I have been together with my wife for a 19 years and if we had made a checkbox list of who we were looking for prior to getting together then neither of us would have fit the criteria. Finding the right partner can sometimes feel a bit like being introduced to some new awesome style of music you never heard before and never knew existed. If you asked someone to define the music they wanted to listen to ahead of time then you would never have discovered this kind of music.
I just could not have known ahead of time that my wife was the kind of person I would be into. You don't really understand that until you have spent some time with that person. My takeaway is to simply meet many people and just try to have a good time. Don't necessarily look for a partner. It could just be looking for a female friend. And just like Lana says here it is those kinds of interactions you build up with people that somehow make a relation or future with a person look attractive.
@@carlgauss1702idk how you rationalized the comment to come up with that conclusion
That's a really interesting comparison you're making. Thank you!
most vvomen are not looking for male friends, you might have caught the exception
@@skinnyguy7773 Women don't have issues with being friends with guys. Lots of women are friends with guys. But it is not like they go out of their way to specifically get guy friends. But it isn't like they are avoiding guys either. If you have a connection with someone it doesn't matter what the gender is.
@@erikengheim1106 Thats a fair point, how did you go about finding female friends?
You never know how much your videos helped me, ever since I started watching your content, I'm more motivated to read books, more confident and overall in harmony with myself. Oh also, amazing video, I love it
this video really verbalized how i feel about my current relationship and made me feel more confident about the durability between me and my partner.
Did the opposite for me lol
At the end of the day, the "in-love" feeling fades and people go back to being themselves. During the beginning of the relationship they may change or act different to attract or keep you. That changes over time. That's why it is important to see how they treat their family and friends. If they yell at their parents, rest assured they will do that to you too someday. That in itself is not a red flag, you can be passionate in arguments but still love people, just something to be aware of.
You know what you are talking about, Tommyboy.
On average people subconsciously show their true selves after 6 months up to 2 yrs + after being around them.
When dating or dealing with relationships of any kind wait a minimum of 6 months to get to know someone etc then see how they differ from the version they initially showed you.
Very informative, interesting and upbeat! Thank you! Keep up the good work!
thank you for uploading lana we love you 💕🤍
Completely agree to everything's you've said, Lana!
Thank you!
You have such a relaxing and eloquent speaking voice. Your's is the type of voice I wish I had. It just makes others feel good and calmer. I have one of those voices I was told "like nails on a chalkboard".
Thank you for sharing this excellent report with us. And for the superb summation. This should be required viewing for all young adults. Powerful data.
Watching a new video from Lana is exiting ❤ This is really inspiring ✨💕
And that's why I don't like taking relationship advice from just anyone, because most of the time it just doesn't feel natural. I see very often how people, who aren't happy with themselves, try to control their partner to be something else. Such life must be very burdensome for them.
This was very interesting! Thank you so much Lana ❤
Excellent summary of happy long term relationships! Thank you for the good work ☺️
This is such a fresh perspective. Keep it coming Lana!
Yeah...😊
About the personality thing, I think a way to put it is what becomes when the individuality of two people fuse together, even if they have great personalities, they might not compliment each other so well. Actually now that I think of it, maybe that's why we use the word 'chemistry'.
Very interesting findings - never thought about it like this. You've earned yourself a new sub!
You make some strikingly good points. Thanks!
Good job, pausing between phrases and words, slowly and delicate delivered message
Atractive personality
A lot of thanks for making and sharing your video!!
I think this is the best and last video youll ever need to understand relationships. I was so tired of all the bs/traditional advice, this has really changed my perspective on relationships!
The reason why people are so unhappy is because they feel entitled to happiness. Happiness is a temporary experience of fulfilling a mission. Men notice this when they solve a problem or fix something. Women notice this when they soothe a child or a close friend’s emotions. But happiness is an experience of creating order in the world around you in an area you perceive in chaos. Perhaps if the chaos is within yourself you would find happiness by surrounding yourself in the orderliness of nature or animals but make no mistake happiness is fleeting and must be earned through proper awareness of disorder and having the courage to confront and fix it. Relationships fail because often time partners are focused on different areas of disorder and are trying to convince each other of whose problem needs addressed first. Communication and a common awareness of each others perception of disorder would allow them to work together to resolve both…together as a team.
Lana your video content always have a daily life reflexes.
By the way I want to learn about human psychology can you make a video on that and suggest some good books to know about human psychology.
I love you Lana, I've learned so much thanks to you!
Your video are very informative ❤
I just kinda blanked out at this moment when I read personality doesn't matter. So I was right the whole time. Looks do play a part in how attracted we are to a person! ✨
❤
Really❤
❤
Looks matter, but saying personality doesn't is a big problemo ! How would you feel to be married to a partner who's personality was not considerate, extremely selfish, and unkind with you? That would be one hell hole of a relationship... and it would lead to more trauma and pain, all because of not caring about someone's personality. Personality is monumental to creating safety and trust, with a partner.
I enjoyed your video, I think I'm goin to share it with my patients :)
I love how u say based on those real researches . They made your speeches more informative and reliable🎉
I love your contents so so much Lana keep making like this only videos and I will support you so so much ❤️
A new valuable lesson today. I never thought about building a relationship rather than finding the one.
We don’t want things to change, things already shifted, we’re already started to improve ourselves in oder to pump and dump, we know it’s all about looks, money etc so I hope you girls keep going like that. 👌🏾
when someone this beautiful talking, I cant even keep track of what she is saying!
i’m more or less burned out.
i go to therapy.
i put myself out there.
i take my medication.
i go to the gym daily (but been working out daily).
i look for people who have a genuine interest in me, but most of the time that usually falls in some strange murky platonic confidante space where it feels one-sided, or the other person seems “scared” of the realness of it.
i deleted dating apps again, i wanted to just have the simplest dates all summer. like let’s go to minigolf and talk.
and admittedly i tend to lose interest when the things we talk about don’t click, and i’m usually direct about it.
i wear my heart on my sleeve and try to communicate as directly as possible even when the emotion i’m feeling at the moment is ugly.
but after several really terrible, negative rejections, (plus my major long term relationship ending horribly), my anxiety whenever connecting spikes so horribly.
i’m starting TMS soon, and i’m hoping that cures both the lonely craving and that “maybe i just get to hold hands or kiss again in this lifetime” anxiety I’ve been nursing.
and there’s frustration i have, like i’m obese, but i like how i dress, and i spent enough time in front of a mirror to enjoy all the “imperfections” like there’s something really cute about how i look overall. gymming and dieting, gymming and dieting my whole life.
like i see myself in the mirror and see both what someone who is in love with me would react, and how someone who doesn’t have those feelings would react.
and in my (nearly mostly solitary) life i learned how to pursue all my hobbies and interests til it became a cycle of consistent burnout,
so if i burnout on gaming,
i read books,
if i burnout on books,
i try to make music,
if i burnout (cycle repeats)
when meeting ppl online or IRL, i try to engage them in their interests, introduce myself. like i used hinge and i reply to the prompts.
and it’s not that i don’t lead a social life, i guess i don’t go to bars, (i’m sober my whole life), i spent time with my friends and go to activities. like even tonight i’m going to some spa venue rooftop invite only party for free.
but i am so burned out.
i dislike all of it.
i’m tired of reading “how to be happy by yourself” and it’s a laundry list of things i’ve been doing.
and i’m so tired feeling like “it’s my fault” for my romantic failings (considering most dating advice keeps trying to point fingers at x)
like do you want me to be myself?
should i be comfortable or uncomfortable being myself?
should i love myself but conform to some image of both personalities and physicality to even feel “date-able”
again, i can’t even get anyone to agree to get coffee. and it’s hard for me to keep putting energy into people who make it a one way street.
i’m just very tired.
people now talk so colloquially about how platonic love is this silver bullet to cure loneliness.
babes, my closest friendships are old enough to rent a car.
and i have had no trouble making “friends” everywhere i lived.
i’m happy by myself, but i’m not.
sometimes i want to tell someone how my day was and listen to every mundane detail of someone else’s day just to get to know someone and nurse some infatuation.
i’m just so tired. i just hope TMS “magic-pills” away any possible romantic want i ever have, because it has done nothing but harm for my psyche at this point. all the self help books, even attached. all of it became so harmful. i feel so alien to all of it at this point.
I think it’s the desperation. Sometimes you can want something so much that you’re repelling it. I would focus on other things in your life that genuinely bring you joy and release some of your fixation . I think love finds you when you are least expecting it. Also make sure you are clear on what type of partner you want - accepting anyone or pretending to be interested in everything just to get someone to like you - won’t end in good results bc you’re not being true to yourself . Being negative or depressed is a repellent to everything - even if you think people can’t tell - they can usually sense something is wrong .
I love your content, it is so interesting,keep doing !❤️
Thank you ❤
I'm writing this from two perspectives that I have to put on the table. 1) I've been happily married for 48 years. 2) I have no respect for psychology which has always struck me as pseudoscience.
My own admittedly anecdotal experience tells me that personality is crucial to a marriage/relationship. It's true that looks, though important, is minor. My wife is a constant joy to be around. I could never be with anyone who wasn't, no matter what she looked like.
I don't know much about attachment theory. The little I do know leads me to believe it's mostly bunk. Humans cannot be separated into four or five tidy types. We react to different people in different ways. People would call me an introvert, and I am happy to be one. People would not say I'm a warm or friendly person, but I'm not unfriendly either. Yet I'm warm to my wife. She is my only friend and the only person I miss when she's not around -- and I'm content with that. My supposed personality type has not dictated how I relate to my wife. We are a separate entity -- a team.
Are our present relationships products of our childhood? My wife's parents divorced when she was young. She was not attached to either parent. She was miserable around her mother who raised her. Yet my wife is a warm person. Everyone likes her when they meet her. OTOH, I had a stable upbringing. My parents have been married 70 years. Yet I would not say I was "attached" to my parents as a child. My brothers and I had a Tom Sawyer childhood. The more we were out of the house and exploring the world, the better. Still, my brothers had 4 failed marriages while I have one great one. My sister, otoh, has been married 40+ years. My father was also the product of a divorced and "dysfunctional" family whereas my mother's family was ideal, as far as I know. I see no common denominators that would have predicted these outcomes. So much for childhood influences.
Happiness cannot be measured with any credible degree of scientific accuracy. Anyone who claims to know what makes people happy is not making a scientific claim.
Nevertheless, I agree one should look for someone who is genuinely interested in you & etc. I knew from our first date that my wife fit this pattern. What surprises me is that so many people need to seek outside help to see what should be so obvious and was obvious to me even at 17. I can't explain this phenomenon.
My own unprofessional advice to guys like me would be this: Look for someone who fascinates you continually: you like watching her do the little things -- the way she stretches, the way she laughs, even the way she brushes her hair or folds laundry. Example: I got my drivers license renewed a few months ago, as did my wife. We were in separate lines. While I was waiting I could see my wife take her vision test. The way she related to the employee warmed my heart -- her smiles, her self deprecation, her little fumbles, retries and corrections. She made the tedious fun. If your partner does that for you then you're probably set for life. Jump at that chance.
To explain attachment (am a psych student)- attachment categories are extremely robust when applied to infant-child relationships. The problem is applying these traits to other relationships later in life- while SOME studies have found correlations they are weak and the studies use small sample sizes. Meta-anayltical reviews of the literature show either EXTREMELY weak or no correlations at all between infant attachment and functioning in later relationships.
However it's important to note that attachment styles can exist in other relationships and can even be pretty consistent in adulthood- however this will not necessarily be the same as your infant attachment pattern. And also it often varies depending on the specific relationship.
Even though I heavily disagree with your views on psychology, granted that you even admit to not know much about it in relation to what you're talking about, I still completely agree with your advice. Sounds like you had some great pair bonding with your wife and found someone that satisfies your personal needs and vice versa. That's good for you!
Lol. This guy
Its fantastic that you have such a long term loving and close partnership with your wife. For the less fortunate of us the real question is how does one find a partner that fascinates and delights you like this on a regular basis? Is it just luck? Or was there some way in which you sought her out or attracted her into your life?
@@aikighost I suppose there's a bit of luck in it. But I've always believed some people help their luck work out whereas others don't see it or squander it. I believe my youngest brother lucked into a great first wife but he squandered that luck within a year. She was heartbroken and I thought he was being an idiot. Three wives later and one long term partner and I remain convinced he never did better than that first marriage.
Therapy will help alot if you want a good long lasting relationship because it will give you the tools of figuring out your attachment (secure, avoidant or anxious) and what to do next
Very good video
People the issue many of us struggle with, Knowing the difference between what feels good and what is actually good for us. Trying to find a balance of the two.
Thank You so much for these insights. Perhaps how well you know yourself also matters.
Very insightful. Thanks.
Why did tears wallow up in my eyes by the end of the video? Maybe cause i do understand the gravity of what you were saying. Your video has been really informative and has a fresh insight to it. Thank you so much !!! And your hair is amazing, if you can, could you tell how may I describe your hair cut to the stylist cause it seems to be just perfect for my face cut too 💓💓 much love💗
Hi Lana. Great video. Only comment: I understand personality doesn't matter, but the Growth Mindset sure feels like a personality trait that many people lack or run away from. At least, in my experience, I feel like that is something I can hardly help build in someone with a fixed mindset - and as you mentioned, what you are able to build in a relationship will most likely determine the level of happiness of the couple.
It's always an amazing day when Lana uploads a wonderful video!!! Happy Sunday Lana and chat, peace and love!!😊😊
Haven't seen a video from this channel in my feed for years, though it says I'm subscribed.
Thank you so much for sharing your amazing research ❤
I recently started to try out online dating and I feel like you never really get a chance to know who someone is and how their personality vibes with yours. A lot of it seems to be based on general interests that can be vague at times, but I know some of my best friends in the past I feel like I didn’t have a lot in common with but we still had fun together talking about our interests and just felt comfortable around each other. I think if there were events designed for single people to meet in person and there were “profiles” available that had a brief summary of their interests that served more as a starting point for conversations rather than measures of compatibility then it would be a more productive way to date. This way you get to know someone better while also getting to see how comparable you are with people outside your general interests
Hinge has prompts but I rarely get answers. I am meeting someone I met on Hinge next week. However, we knew each other before the app it was just a chance that we saw each other on the app. I think you'll never know their personalities fully if they are not going to actually talk on video or voice call.
Lana love your brains and beauty and vox.I like what you say you made my morning thank you.Jerome❤❤❤
this science-based video is awesome!
Very well spoken.
Great advice, thanks
Your voice is so sweet as if you are reciting poetry
I think this is the best relationship information I've ever heard. This should be taught in schools. I wish I had this knowledge when I started dating. Omg, I just realized that was forty years ago! Anyhow, It's too late for me now. I am scarred and jaded. I'll share it though
Can you make a guide to therapy? You often say that everyone should get therapy but going into a session without having any problems seems confusing. Usually in therapy you set goals (eg. increasing self esteem), I wonder what other things you can do in therapy and what is the reason you advocate it.
Oh I like this idea. I’ll see what I can do!
You're totally right, it doesn't make sense to go to therapy if you have no problem/goal. In that case you'd probably go to some kind of coaching to work on a specific topic you'd like to achieve or work on some behavior patterns you'd like to change. If you have neither of it you don't have to visit a therapist. That also means that you probably doing a good job in caring for your yourself and have a stable social system (family, friends) around you that you trust and can rely on if you need help, which is a truly wonderful thing. :)
You inspire me ❤
Lana your videos are like a dose of pure oxygen to me
Remember to Breathe 🧘♀️
-- _Thank you, Lana Blakely._
A video about attachment styles!! 😊
Thank you, Lana.
Nice one you're improving now so beautiful keep it up, God bless. Keep positive always stay positive god bless.
You are my favorite woman to listen to on the Internet. Wonderful lady and minds.
One of the best videos on yt
The view is just so serene!!! Where in Norway is that if you don't mind me asking?
This was near Flåm. Stunning!
@@LanaBlakely Thank you 🙂
Great conversation 😂❤
i simply love listening to youu
It's unfortunately true😅 compatibility isn't on the surface, but a result of interactions. That's why having an observant and perceptive friend can help when you are "blinded" by love😂
This really explains a lot.
Very interesting, great video
amazing video!
Interesting video! 😊💗
People need to open their minds ❤
good stuff lana =] thnx
Love you Lana.
All good while it remains true. Someone may display genuine feeling of compassion, care, n validation in the every sense for you, until they don’t. What we find in happiness just depends on your definition .
i watch all your videos ❤
Personality and temperament ARE a HUGE factor in dating. Making personality a focal point of the the connection is NOT important or a good idea.
Thank, how interesting ❤
Well physical attractiveness does help the attraction in the initial stages of a relationship when there's not much in common in terms of goals or lifestyle. I guess people begin to view the other person as being more than just a piece of good looks once they have had enough time together. Its kind of difficult to bring yourself to like someone when you consciously are aware of their physical flaws.
What even is "happy" when you're talking about relationships. Perhaps the verbiage should be changed to "fulfilling", bc relationships are difficult no matter what. But often challenging things bring a sense of worthiness or it being worthwhile. Romanticizing relationships is kinda killing them because none of us measure up to any ideal someone might have of us. It should likely be framed more as duty if you're seeking something long term bc it is going to take work, and it has to be bigger than the respective individual otherwise anyone can leave at any time for any reason. I am not talking about the obvious radical negative cases where there is abuse or whatever, ofc don't stay in those situations but what about the median of relationships that are just normal and boring or not as exciting as movies, media and social media would have us believe. People need meaning in order to be fulfilled. Meaning in relationships is often built by each of us showing our whole ass to each other and the other person Still choosing to stick it out with us anyway. Lastly, I do not believe in a 1 special person or that anyone is forever. A lot of us could probably build great relationships with a bunch of different kinds of people. And it may sound like a contradiction, but even if you stay with someone for 50+ years, the expectation should never be that they are with you forever. No one in our lives could boast such a feat.
Subscribed.
I LUV U LANA.
I agree as well.
❤
It's not about finding a match. It's about building the relationship.
Know yourself and only then can you meet the right person.