I'm aroace, and yeah! I experience "desire" and "arousal" sometimes but always lack the "attraction". And no matter how many ways I explain it, people lead the conclusion that there's something wrong with my hormones or I'm depressed or insecure... some people hit a bit closer with "you just haven't found the right person yet", which is practically true (at least until the "yet" part), but like, who says there even is "the right person" to everyone? Why can't I just get validated with the sexual orientation I feel describes me 100%, like everyone else do? You could as well find out tomorrow you're bi after thinking you're gay/straight for decades. To which most people would answer something like "no way!" or "yeah well but there's no reason to take every possible future scenario into account when I can call myself just how I feel right now". Why does that sound reasonable to say to aces then, to expect us just live in the endless limbo of "waiting"? I don't care if I learn more about myself in the future and the term aroace does not feel descriptive anymore. That could happen to literally anyone. I just want to feel whole the way I am right now.
As an ace person, thank you so much for delving into this topic and making these videos. If more people generally understood that sexual attraction is its own separate thing, that would make explaining my experience a lot easier. I sometimes have a hard time explaining to people what it's like to just not experience sexual attraction, but these videos give me a little more vocabulary to work with (especially the discussion of spontaneous desire as well). I feel like because I don't experience sexual attraction, I am extra interested in the topic and any explanation of how others /do/ experience it. I would certainly be interested in a video about sexual attraction on its own, like how various people describe the sensation(?) in their personal experience. It seems so interconnected to arousal and desire, ie: sexual attraction is having either of these or both being triggered by a certain person. Also how comp het fits into sexual attraction is an interesting intersection, as it seems people can have an "ah ha" moment of "oh now /this/ is sexual attraction ohhhh I see" after figuring out their sexuality.
So much this! I'm also ace and could not for the life of me imagine what arousal even felt like until I was 23. I had no libido and any attempts at masturbation just went nowhere, I didn't have the patience for it and it didn't do anything. Then I got a satisfyer out of sheer curiosity and, well, it did its thing - arousal I now understand but attraction and desire are still mythological creatures for me. To me masturbation is like a back rub, it's nice even without back pain - it's always sort of a "cold start" for me and arousal kicks in only after I get into it and my body responds to the stimulus.
Sexual attraction seems so mysterious to us aces! Every allo person apparently knows exactly what it is & how it feels, but because of that no one ever describes their experience?
Ooh this is such a good point and has really made me think about how I experience attraction!! The only way I can think to describe sexual attraction for me at least is it's like walking down the high street and seeing a chocolate store and just KNOWING that I want to go into that chocolate store and I'll imagine what tasting the chocolate will be like and I'll get excited by the idea of eating it. Maybe I won't actually go into the store and buy it (desire..?) but from what I can see and what I can imagine, eating that chocolate would be pretty damn great and it makes me happy just thinking about it. (Apologies for the major innuendos but that was the best way j could think of describing it to make it more accessible..??)
Another scenario for Attraction and Arousal without Desire: You have an argument with your spouse or Significant Other. You agree to take a break and cool off before resuming the discussion. A few minutes later your partner is is in the shower and you see/hear them. Your body reacts to their condition (“Oh, they’re so gorgeous, just look at them!”) you experience arousal, and you’re definitely attracted to them, but nope, not happening. You’re still mad, and not in the mood for any sort of hanky-panky.
Yes that's what I was thinking! I experience it sometimes when I see my ex. I'm not mad now, I just remember how bad it went, and I know I don't want to repeat that again.
On the topic of assult; I really like that you take this up. Sexual reactions in the body doesn't mean consent! I'm big on reading manga, and especially when reading male, gay manga, way too often the first sexual intercourse happens just that way, and I hate it! The one assulting is always like "You say you don't like it, but you're sooo hard!" or "Are you sure you don't like it? Your body says differently..." and the one being assulted always cry and repeatedly say no, but the assulter keeps saying that, so they always end up concluding that the assulter is correct. I find that awful, real gaslightly.
Yep this is waayyyy too common a trope in those dom-sub dynamics that seem to be in most manga erotica. Can't even remember if I ever saw one that overtly did it differently.
Heterosexual Hentai will do the same thing with women also. The best case scenario is that they want it but feel conflicted potential consequences, even then simply forcing them would still be traumatizing.
Yes I despise this horrendous trope that's common in bl but also nsfw manga in general. I've read a ton of manga and manhwa and the amount I have dropped for this reason is concerning and the fact that I don't drop all of them but have still dropped a ton despite that is crazy to me.
@@hannahwitton When you say the glasses are fake, does that mean you don't actually need glasses to read at this stage in your life? They just complete the persona.
@@hannahwitton well. If you didn't get my message about me wanting to learn more from a sex educator. I'm pinging you when you posted you're new video 11 hours ago. You might not look at previous video's that you posted. But I just wanted to tell you that I'm handicapped. I have asperger's syndrome. I get ssdi social security disability insurance. I can't get a job. I quit school because they kept sending me to handicapped classes with the students wearing diapers. Some of the kids. So I ran away at 16 years old. I didn't know that I could quit school at 16 but my mom didn't say anything because she wanted me to stay in school. But I just couldn't. But. When I was a kid the teachers at school said to my mom to take me to plattsburgh hospital ny. To see what was wrong with me. They said that I was learning slow.
re the "is it still sexual desire if you're doing it to please your partner", I know for me (an ace person dating an allo person) there is definitely a difference between doing sexual things with my partner because he's horny, and I know it'll be nice and the (much rarer) times when I'm actually experiencing desire. on the other hand, there is also a difference between the times when my brain is like "fuck it why not" and the times where I am actively not in the mood, so basically, like everything in life, it's a spectrum not black and white
I'm demi and completely stuck in a B situation. I get aroused and have desire, but I'm rarely attracted to anyone. It's frustrating because I feel like demis often get included with asexuals, but for me this is not the case. I end up spending a lot of time alone. Dating apps don't work because I can't tell from a picture if I'm attracted to you, it's all about what's in your heart. I guess I'm just an old fashioned romantic. Also, a video with a Venn diagram gets a like!
well, demisexuals are under the asexual label (which is an umbrella term) ;) of course, you can have a total singular and personal experience/interpretation of it and even use that label as something completely unique, not correlated to anything.
@@sami1503 Thank you for your kind reply. I've been this way my whole life, I'm not sure why I'm trying to label it now. Honestly, I almost deleted the comment feeling it was an overshare on my part, but I must not be alone in this, because it keeps getting likes.
@@seankirchner2378 I think that struggle is a big part of what makes you asexual. Maybe you can feel sexual attraction, but it's still in a certain circumstance that our society isn't built for, making your life harder. You don't feel sexual attraction in a 'normal' circumstance, and I think that is pretty much what it means to fall under the ace umbrella. I know it's not up to me, but please don't delete your comment. You sharing your thoughts is appreciated. Ah, my words aren't sounding quite how I'm meaning them to. This is supposed to be a nice sentiment, and saying that you can belong in the asexual community. I'd be interested in why you might not think so though.
@@conlon4332 Maybe I'm overthinking this. My lack of attraction makes me asexual? I have certainly been frustrated by this and have struggled with relationships. In the past I knew an asexual person that had no desire or arousal, which is not how I feel. This is why I assumed that I wasn't asexual. Maybe I do fit with the asexual community.
@@seankirchner2378 I would say so. lgbta.wikia.org/wiki/Asexual_Spectrum czcams.com/video/vyXv6ZxcE2A/video.html That video is Echo coming out as asexual, even though she's specifically grayasexual (experiences very little sexual attraction). I know that's not the same as you, but I thought it might be interesting to hear her perspective.
Love the desire not to shame anyone! Very important add-on: Male sexual assault is a reality and penis-owners also may experience arousal during and assault as a physical response. This doesn’t have anything to do with sexual attraction ir orientation. I see you and I stand with you and your experience is valid. ❤️
I was trying to think of how to say the same thing. It’s always troubled me when I hear some people make the claim that “ men can’t be raped by women because a man has to be aroused for it to work” which is of course nonsense because arousal, as stated here isn’t the same as desire and especially isn’t consent, it’s just a physiological body response. It would have been good for this to have been mentioned in the video.
yeah, just cause your body is into it, does not mean it is not a traumatic violation. For some people the body will not do anything, if their are not mentaly in it, for some the body reacts, it is not a thing one can chose or controll
It doesn't help that the "common picture" of men is that they are "always up to it" and "they are men, they all want THIS" It is an important topic. Not just for very violent non-consent situations but for relationships as well. Sometimes (especially in fairly new relationships) it is hard to explain that you have a physical reaction but this reaction is detached from your state of mind
I think a lack of desire in C could also just be indifference. Like maybe your partner really wants to do something sexual and you don't particularly but you also don't mind particularly so you just go along because you want your partner to have that pleasure.
Yes! And I’m also thinking that this scenario, or all C scenarios actually, is the phase (potentially) leading up to D in people with responsive desire. As a person with responsive desire I feel it often goes from being in the attraction circle, to being in the C, to being in the D.
I often feel like this as a Grey A person in a relationship with an Allosexual person. I will often try go with it if I have managed to get aroused and/or feel sexually attracted to my partner because I know that this kind of connection matters to them; even though I often have little to no desire to pursue it, even in the midst of it (I often draw a blank if they ask me what I want to do next). I'm absolutely capable of experiencing sexual pleasure but sexual experiences don't have the same pull or gravity for me as they seem to for other people; I feel sexual attraction very rarely; and arousal is it's own peculiar puzzle ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I love the fact that Hannah can stay so serious and focussed with a mini whip explaining science, yet breaks when saying "maybe you get the occasional D and that's great!" 😂😂😂
Wow I know we got the trigger warning but actually hearing someone clearly state the fact that arousal can happen during assault hit me harder than I expected. Thank you for saying it, it's important and hard to hear as someone who was gaslit about that for a long time. Your content is so important.
Thank you for talking about sexual attraction and sex in general. As an asexual, people being open about sex and what they think about it makes me more confident in my sexuality, and I think people talking about their feelings in general really helps me. Thank you!
As an asexual person who watches all your videos pretty much religiously, it was SUCH a treat to feel so included and visible in this video. Thank you, Hannah 💖
C is basically 99% of sex for me. I know it feels nice and my body can react to it, but I hardly ever care about it. Depression, anxiety and others don't help either, in my experience...
I recently came out as ace spectrum so really glad you went into this. It took me so long to differentiate different feelings/desires etc. For me, I realised I can be physically attracted to anyone regardless of gender so regard myself as having pan-attraction to people, but I am only romantically attracted to men, so am hetero-romantic, but I am not attracted to anyone sexually except my partner, so am asexual spectrum, specifically demisexual. It took me 23 years to get to this point and my teenage years feeling weird because I didn’t want to have sex with anyone and wasn’t interested in it but had always wanted a relationship, but now it all lines up and makes sense why I can find someone physically attractive but not be interested in them romantically or sexually. I’ve only experienced sexual attraction to my partner, and that was after I formed a strong emotional relationship with them, but I was always physically, emotionally and romantically attracted to them, so separating all those things really helped me figure myself out. I also struggled with thinking I had to have desire first to be into sex, and it never happened for me like that, it is more often a take or leave it feeling, but Id experience a lot of arousal and attraction to my partner, or even arousal on my own but minimal desire. I also put ace spectrum - demisexual as my sexuality on the recent UK census which felt good 😁
sounds about as confusing as my own all over the place attraction mess ^^ i am going by aro ace cuddle monster until I sorted out whatever I am demi as I susspect or whatever . . . . ^^ I experience very strong platonic attraction, often accompanied by sensual attraction. As for sexual attraction, I at times get why people find someone attractiv, but I would not want anything with them anyway. I had two romantic crushes I did not wish to follow up on and I felt no jealousy over, but I am not sure how much my not wanting a relationship was genuine and how much trauma response . . . my genuine heartbreak crushes where both male and similar to a point of absurdity when it came to exterior factors like lefthandedness, playing music, eye color, hair color, tallness . . . . (honestly, how can I have a broken heart from rejecting a guy?!") More instantly crushes where on women also quite similar to eachother, but reather diffeent from the men, though I never had the casual opportunity to get closer to them naturaly, it never developed further so I am not sure, if it would have other wise . . . . I do not feel like gender or sex matter to me so pan feels natural to me, but thats not what experience tells me . . .
I think I am currently experiencing sort of a "C" situation with a good friend of mine. I am attracted to them and my body reacts, but I don't want it to go anywhere because it would complicate our relationship and I would rather just stay friends. Mostly because I don't see myself falling in love with them and I know they don't like FWB situations.
Ooh, I’m thinking their Venn diagram might be Desire on its own for clients (at the very least desiring the benefits of the transactional relationship), and Arousal + Attraction or all three for their partners.
I think it's very true that arousal generally arrives before desire and often without any desire or attraction following. It's interesting to me you said this is misconception that's difficult for women to deal with. Because I find as a man it's been challenging in a way. Because you can find yourself aroused by people or things that you're really know your not attracted to or even shouldn't be having sex for various reasons. That can lead to a lot of internal shame and anxiety when you confuse that arousal for desire. It's important to recognize that anatomical and scenery response is not actually verification of what the mind wants. "Responsive Desire" Good term to remember.
Listening to this video while at work with headphones and taking my headphones off every other minute to double check that the video is not loud enough to be heard by anyone else.
Just as I was thinking "hm, asexuality makes so much sense to me now", Hannah said she'd touch upon that subject later... I love how in depth and inclusive this was!!!
Ace of Spades unite! Our Queen of informational content is back! PS: Damn, that one dislike really bugs me ^^' there's less than 1k views right now who would dislike this?
A somewhat odd example for C is in friendships where you are turned on by a friend you find attractive but don't have any desire to act on it. Platonic relations that you want to keep that way.
for arousal and desire and attraction, for me i guess sexual attraction would be replaced with romantic attraction or even aesthetic. ive been recently questioning my sexuality and had a few troubles defining what sexual attraction meant, even just for me. thank you so much for the video! ❤
Well 5/5 clearly a good student after all. Venn diagram wise my personal circles would be of very different sizes and overlaps. Also have changed so much over the decades. Interesting concept to understand so you can better communicate with your partner for better understanding of each other. Want to try this with my wife.
Just my two cents: I quite often experience attraction and arousal together, where the desire only comes after the other two. Also, as someone who is attracted to both genders, but in different ways, my diagram would also really differ between genders. I am both sexually and emotionally attracted to men, so I've experienced all three together. However, I'm not emotionally attracted to women, and I can only experience desire with people that I am emotionally close to. So I've felt the attraction to women, as well as the little arousal tingle in my stomach, but never desire.
god I wish I'd seen this video like 7 years ago. I always assumed that my lack of desire was because I "wasn't ready" when in reality i wasnt experiencing attraction and mistook arousal for attraction, so it took me years to realise I was ace,, this sort of information would have been really nice to have been taught before I spent years questioning xD
Hi Hannah! I've been watching your videos on & off for a couple of years now and find them really easy to digest & think about my own relationship to the topic of discussion. Thank you for including the point about arousal in assault 02:40 . I was molested 11 years ago & the fact that it made me erect screwed up my relationship with sex for a couple of years (on top of exploring sex with schoolmates in an all-boys school). I'm better now & the bitterness about the experience is gone. I hope other survivors who could read this comment know that it was never your fault. Thanks for creating this space for us to think & laugh Hannah! Much love from Singapore
When I saw the Venn diagram's C, I thought of someone in a monogamous relationship being turned on and attracted to someone but not wanting to act upon it because... they are monogamous.
Okay so, you guys can just be visually stimulated but another female without desiring them or thinking about sex with another person? So then the gf shouldn’t feel bad?
Can you do a video on the asexuality spectrum? I've been questioning where I fall on that spectrum recently, but it is hard to find clear and cohesive information that doesn't carry stigma.
Coming from the ace delegation (we’ve spent a lot of time on these differences), we don’t generally consider the external motives to be sexual desire/libido. If I want to feel good it’s desire, if I want my partner to feel good I’m /choosing/ to engage in sexual behaviors. But then if I get off on pleasing my partner, that could be a desire. Turns out it’s all somewhat complex lol. I think overall we tend to define “desire” as something self-actuated.
This video is game-changing. Would you consider doing a video about overcoming sexual shame as a continuation of this topic? Thank you for being such a positive and uplifting influence in the world of sex education!
As a trans woman on HRT for over a year, this is a really interesting way to look at it, cause one of the side effects of HRT is a significant decrease in desire and arousal, though I wouldn't be able to say whether one or both of those two reinforce the other. Like, physically it's very rare to get any spontaneous arousal that otherwise might've led to desire, and even when desire is there it won't easily lead to arousal unless I specifically try. And especially looking back on it, it's interesting to see how much less my mind even goes towards anything sexual now than it did before. Even in cases of arousal without desire I now usually just think "that's annoying, stop that" (though part of that is likely related to it having become slightly painful cause lack of regular arousal also leads to atrophy). On the other hand, I do feel an even higher desire for emotional intimacy than before, which is interesting (though highly impractical when single in a pandemic😅)
This is one of the most intelligent looks at the three feelings I have seen on youtube. During lockdown when everyone at home its even more of a good one to look at. The three emotions can be so utterly different, from a male pov, you can gain arousal even when your not excited even feeling sad, such as waking up in the morning, or a response to anxiety.desire and attraction as you said can be very different, or go together.its a complex subject.
I (as a woman) get aroused from the strangest things. Often when something is happening, that I really like and I get this whole body dopamine rush, a part of it is arousal. It could be from smelling a flower or realizing it's Friday instead of Wednesday. It sometimes feels like my whole body wants to communicate "YES" but the only way my vagina can participate is through arousal
@@killitwithfire5377 So true. It can be so random, sometimes like reading a particular mundane word or phrase (I don't even know), or thinking about a place. And then all of a sudden, a flash of arousal, and it's like "huh?" But just one of the many ways your body reacts to being alive I guess, who says it has to "make sense."
As someone questioning their sexuality, I really appreciate this. So often these terms are use interchangeably to define sexual orientation and it’s confusing. This helps clear some things up and makes me feel more comfortable exploring my sexuality
Okay, so as an ace, I know romantic attraction and sexual attraction aren’t the same thing and that some asexuals are still sexually active, but it’s all very difficult to describe to others and it especially worries me when it comes to dating. BUT your explanation helped sort out some of my worries. This video is increíble helpful and tbh should have been a sex ed lesson in school. Excuse me while I blast it to everyone I know.
I think I really learned something about myself today and helped me understand my own asexuality better. Thank you, Hannah, for your fun and educational videos.
Love seeing all the other a-spec people in the comments! I find the topic of sexual attraction very confusing, but this video was very helpful, and I think got me closer to understanding, even though I continue to be confused lol. Thanks, Hannah!
Loved the video Hannah. 51 still live with my mu. Never had sex and been confused all my life.I'm probably heterosexual but never matured sexually. So I'm grateful for the video. Making sexuality more understandable and making me more at ease with myself.
I share content I've enjoyed throughout the week in my weekly newsletter and this is definitely going straight into that! You're one of my fav content creators these day. keep it up! Edit: also, btw, super grateful that you mention the asexual spectrum when discussing these topis! Thank you for helping raising awareness about it and normalizing it.
Wow, that explains a lot about why as a lesbian I get turned on by male gay porn/sexy litterature. I can experience arousal and desire without the attraction. My coming out is fairly recent and I kept wondering if that meant I was attracted to men. But I really am not! I think? Still figuring things out. Love you Hannah thanks for the video! ♥️
Honestly I have never thought about it, having no experience with other people I was thinking its always the combo,didn't realize how unrealistic and unreal that is. Great video, both educational and fun to watch!!!
This is amazing and extremely helpful! Thank you!! ❤ edit: I think it would be super interesting to talk more about *attraction* (what that means to different people or how it can manifest). And maybe the difference between *sexual and romantic attraction*
This video was AMAZING at explaining the differences and bonus points for talking about the ace spectrum. As a sex therapist, I approve this video and cannot wait to use it with my clients to assist their sexual journies! Thank you, Hannah!
A C scenario could just be what you were saying a lot of women experience: responsive desire. So perhaps a C scenario could be when you put yourself in the sexy times, with someone you’re attracted to, but it’s just before the mental desire has started kicking in. Does that make sense?
Also potentially being in a c scenario where its not practical to continue engaging etc, like you'll be late for something, or you know the consequences will be negative (sleeping with a friends partner that you're sexually attracted to, perhaps?), but also, on the darker side of the coin, being raped or sexually assaulted by someone you fancy (or a partner) as well, in that there is attraction and arousal, but no desire. Its definitely a more negative way to look at it, but assault by a partner or someone you know is so common that I imagine scenario C is actually also then quite common unfortunately as a result
Trust me, you're doing a great job by providing sex education and solving the misconceptions/myths among them. We need more people like you. Keep going!!!
You should totally to a sequel to this where you do the game show with submitted scenarios. Like, get people to send them in and do it with other people's scenarios.
I still find myself referencing this video in conversations after months. I am making everyone around me watch it. Amazing video and such an interesting way to look at these aspects of sexuality.
This video is so important. There are a lot of sexual assault survivors that carry guilt, shame and even blame for the body response to the the assault and that can result in not only more trauma, but confusion that may delay the getting away from that situation. This information is liberating, thank you so much for sharing.
This video has really helped me thank you Hannah! I am currently healing from sexualassult from my childhood, I finally met an amazing man and am in the most supportive and healthy relationship I've been in thoughout my whole life. So i beat myself up a bit about how I don't feel desire, arousal and attraction in the same way I did before the assault. But it's nice to know I'm normal because 'normal' isn't real, I am me, my body is my body and there's nothing wrong with that! 😊 I love your videos, keep doing what you're doing, you're great! 😊
As an ace person, another “C” situation I’ve had where I’ve had past relationships(so not necessarily sexual/romantic attraction but people I liked being around) and maybe they say something or something that’s kinda hot but I don’t want to actually do anything sexual with them.
What an informative video, another example for the C diagram between arousal and attraction, in my experience as demisexual, is where you there is distrust in a relationship. You are aroused by them, you are attracted to them, but the desire doesn't exist, or is at least negated by resentment or fear.
i love the effort put in your videos haha and watching this makes me draw parallels to romantic attraction, desire, and "arousal", too! i'm glad you're out here providing fun, informative content and giving people the vocabulary to talk about their experience
I just found your channel and I'm watching a few of your videos now and I just have to say thank u for doing these types of videos. They're very informative and helpful! Also, I LOVE your personality! U seem like a very cool person to be around. Keep up the great videos!
My thoughts on C actually go back to one of your earlier questions in the explaining desire section about the nuance of wanting to have sex for the purposes of pleasuring your partner or for emotional intimacy. You aren't necessarily experiencing desire for sex or an orgasm, but what you are experiencing a desire for might include or be facilitated by sexual activity.
LOVE this! I'm demisexual, and I have been using these terms distinctly for years because it helped me explain things like why I can be really attracted to someone and still not want to have sex with them, but it's very validating to hear someone much more knowledgeable use them in a similar way to how I have done. That has also led to C type scenarios that do not end in sex.
Hi, by attraction here, do you mean aesthetic attraction? Like finding a lot of people pleasing but not in a sexual attraction sense? I’m sorry for bothering but I’ve been confused with the definition of sexual attraction and lately questioning how does that affect me.
@@shreyabajad I am using attraction here more to mean romantic attraction, or sexual attraction without sexual desire (although aesthetic attraction often plays a part in both of those for me)
@@serafinassong Got it! Does that mean that it is okay to find someone sexually attractive (in addition to aesthetic attraction) but not wanting to associate with them in any manner or have an intention for romantic/sexual relationship and still associate with Demisexuality? I need to form a connection, trust them and feel safe before thinking about any sort of relationship with the person. Can I still call myself demisexual as I do not feel sexual attractiveness in a way most people do?
@@serafinassong thank you so much! :) It means a lot to me to speak about it with someone and feel validated. And you’re right, I might take some time to figure it out but it’s going to be worth it.
This video is so incredibly helpful! I’ve experienced all of these scenarios. I’m a lesbian- but it took me a while to figure out partly because I’ve had experiences with men that were enjoyable because they were good at a certain thing- even tho I wasn’t attracted to them. Or it felt good cause I wanted to have sex in general- but I still wasn’t attracted to them. I’ve also had experiences where I’m very attracted to someone but then am not feeling very aroused during sex. Sexuality is so complex and I really appreciate this breakdown- it’s very informative and has helped me validate a lot of experiences that have been confusing for me!
Took me forever to realize I was ace, because of my experience with arousal and desire, but I have never actually experienced sexual attraction. So glad this emphasised the fact that asexuality is first and foremost about the lack of attraction, and that different ace people can have very different experiences and attitudes towards sexuality.
I feel like this is such a great video for a high school sex ed class! You explain everything so clearly and in such a fun manner, it's awesome. I'm no longer in high school, but if I was I'd definitely bring it up to one of my teachers!! Especially because it explains how consent isn't a bodily response but a literal one.
My first thought with C was a not-ready situation, like maybe early on in dating someone and too nervous to want to act on anything, or being young and having all those hormones happening and getting crushes but having no idea what to do about it. It could also be a low-libido person spending time with someone they fancy and they are a bit "meh" about doing it, but they totaly could if they found the motivation. I feel like a lot of kink stuff could fit in this category - like wanting to do non-sex things with a specific someone and getting aroused by them, but being really clear about the boundries. Edit: Maybe also hate-fancying someone. Being attracted to and aroused by someone, but disliking that fact and wishing you could punch them in the face and bleach your own brain. Disclaimer, I am Ace and purely spitballing here. I would be interested to see more about substitues for sexual attraction - in theory, only "B" would be available to me if I ever had sex, but I'm fairly sure other factors about who it was with, even though that attraction wasn't there, would effect things. It get's a bit squicky if I think about it too long, though.
6:17 That's a good explanation haha! It's also worth noting that orientation is defined by attraction, which is obviously another connection, but if for whatever reason you are aroused by someone or want to have sex with them, that doesn't necessarily impact your orientation, depending on the reason. Orientation is defined by attraction, so if the reason is not attraction it's by the by. This is most often talked about for asexul people, but it applies to anyone.
so you can be turned on by someone without wanting to have sex with them like a straight woman finds a woman in porn hot but wouldn't want to have sex with them?
"If you are aroused by someone or want to have sex with them, that doesn't necessarily impact your orientation" "Orientation is defined by attraction, so if the reason is not attraction is by the by." Could you explain better? What do you mean? If you want to have sex with someone, then you are attracted to them... No?
@@mariangelamariangela4199 I don't think necessarily, as there are lots of reasons you'd want to have sex with someone. Because you think it will feel good, because you want to prove a point, because you want to get pregnant, because you love someone and want to make them feel good, et cetera. It doesn't have to be because you're attracted to them. You could try looking up "Why would asexual people want to have sex" for more reasons.
@@mariangelamariangela4199 Oh my goodness, you know how difficult these questions are to answer, right? That's really not an easy or at all black and white question, and I'm not sure if I even fully know the answer, but I'll try. I need to start by saying that there are many different kinds of attraction, not just sexual. There's romantic attraction, where you want a relationship with someone, there's platonic attraction, where you want to be friends with someone, and there's aesthetic attraction, where you like how someone looks and enjoy looking at them. Then there's sensual attraction, which is focused on the senses. You want to touch them, smell them, cuddle with them, even kiss them, but it's not necessarily sexual. It can be. Any of these types of attraction can be felt together, in any combination, or on their own. I also want to point out, before I move on, that sensual attraction doesn't necessarily mean all the things I listed, those are just examples. It's common to feel sensual attraction towards friends and family members, not just lovers. Finally, there's sexual attraction. You're right, that sexual attraction is most often described as wanting to have sex with someone, and it _is_ a desire to have sex with someone, but it's not the only reason you'd want to, as I said earlier. I suppose the difference is that all those other reasons are derived from conscious (or at least semi-conscious) thought and reasoning, whereas attraction is something you _feel._ You can't really control it, and you don't necessarily know why it's there. You can't decide to feel attracted to someone, you just are or you aren't. That doesn't mean it can't change, because it definitely can, but it's not something you can decide. It's not that you think you would enjoy it, or that you love that person, or you think you should be attracted to someone. Those have conscious and logical reasoning that made you decide you wanted to have sex with that person. But attraction is different. As I said, you don't decide it, you don't choose it, there's not necessarily a reason for it, and yet you feel it. It's a desire that you can't control, a sort-of inherent, instinctual desire, and it doesn't necessarily line up with what you consciously, logically decide you want. Not only can you want to have sex with someone you're not attracted to, you can also not want to have sex with someone that you are. Just because you are attracted to someone, doesn't mean that on a logical, conscious level, you want to have sex with that person. It's a very important difference. It doesn't matter if someone is attracted to you, if they decide that they don't want to have sex with you, then they don't want to have sex with you, even if their body or instincts (for lack of a better word) don't agree. That conscious decision, regardless of attraction, is the difference between consent and no consent, so it's a very important one. I suppose it's the difference between what you feel and what you think. And I also think that the fact that we don't just make decisions based on what we feel, is a big part of what makes us human. It's the difference between a man and a dog, because even if we're attracted to someone, we can decide whether we then actually want to act on it or not. And we can have other reasons than that inherent feeling we can't control. I hope this helped you understand, however I'm aware that it was very long and rambly and potentially confusing, so please let me know if there was anything you didn't understand. Before I finish I want to clarify that I'm not using you as in _you,_ I'm using as in one, someone, people in general, and I also want to point out that not everyone feels attraction. Ok, that's it. I hope this made sense.
Thank you for your amazing video ! As an asexual person, I like seeing this kind of video about nuances about sexual arousal/desire/attraction ! 😊 If people in the crowd were more informed about it, it'll so much better - for us a-spec folks but also for their own understanding
Thanks for this clear overview of these three concepts :) I was talking about it with a friend, and realized that all three are also a scale. You don't just have one, two or three of these happening fully, but for example you can have some arousal, some desire and a lot of attraction. And I think these concepts can be translated to non sex related things (but maybe just for fun). For example, I am attracted to brownies (I like them), I can have a desire for brownies (I want some right now), but when I am full I have no arousal for brownies (actual wish from my body for brownies). Just a fun thought experiment to explore and understand the meaning of these concepts a bit more :)
I would like my partner to see that video, it puts words on so many situations! And would help to explain lots of feelings (Problem being he does not speak English and I am not sure how to translate) But WOW that is a great subject to talk about ! Thaks a lot Hannah!
This was so well done. I've been contemplating where I lie on the asexual spectrum after identifying as demisexual for a while, but recent developments have me thinking I might be more allosexual/greyace than I thought? So aceflux felt appropriate to describe things but with your breakdown of sexual arousal, desire (and the multitude of reasons that cause desire) and their connection really helped me realise that yes, I AM more allo than I thought for a moment, I just am not proactive as I tend to have more reciprocal attraction, so I should focus on positive reinforcement.
As someone in the ace spectrum I'm really happy/excited that you talk about how we can fit in with this.
Me too
same
I'm aroace, and yeah! I experience "desire" and "arousal" sometimes but always lack the "attraction". And no matter how many ways I explain it, people lead the conclusion that there's something wrong with my hormones or I'm depressed or insecure... some people hit a bit closer with "you just haven't found the right person yet", which is practically true (at least until the "yet" part), but like, who says there even is "the right person" to everyone? Why can't I just get validated with the sexual orientation I feel describes me 100%, like everyone else do? You could as well find out tomorrow you're bi after thinking you're gay/straight for decades. To which most people would answer something like "no way!" or "yeah well but there's no reason to take every possible future scenario into account when I can call myself just how I feel right now". Why does that sound reasonable to say to aces then, to expect us just live in the endless limbo of "waiting"?
I don't care if I learn more about myself in the future and the term aroace does not feel descriptive anymore. That could happen to literally anyone. I just want to feel whole the way I am right now.
@@Kotifilosofi this is very relatable!
I was just about to say this. It’s so hard to navigate what is and isn’t attraction when you have no clue what it’s supposed to feel like
As an ace person, thank you so much for delving into this topic and making these videos. If more people generally understood that sexual attraction is its own separate thing, that would make explaining my experience a lot easier. I sometimes have a hard time explaining to people what it's like to just not experience sexual attraction, but these videos give me a little more vocabulary to work with (especially the discussion of spontaneous desire as well). I feel like because I don't experience sexual attraction, I am extra interested in the topic and any explanation of how others /do/ experience it. I would certainly be interested in a video about sexual attraction on its own, like how various people describe the sensation(?) in their personal experience. It seems so interconnected to arousal and desire, ie: sexual attraction is having either of these or both being triggered by a certain person. Also how comp het fits into sexual attraction is an interesting intersection, as it seems people can have an "ah ha" moment of "oh now /this/ is sexual attraction ohhhh I see" after figuring out their sexuality.
this this this!! understanding the difference between these three is so important to understanding asexuality
Oooffff yeah so much of this!!
So much this! I'm also ace and could not for the life of me imagine what arousal even felt like until I was 23. I had no libido and any attempts at masturbation just went nowhere, I didn't have the patience for it and it didn't do anything. Then I got a satisfyer out of sheer curiosity and, well, it did its thing - arousal I now understand but attraction and desire are still mythological creatures for me. To me masturbation is like a back rub, it's nice even without back pain - it's always sort of a "cold start" for me and arousal kicks in only after I get into it and my body responds to the stimulus.
Sexual attraction seems so mysterious to us aces! Every allo person apparently knows exactly what it is & how it feels, but because of that no one ever describes their experience?
Ooh this is such a good point and has really made me think about how I experience attraction!! The only way I can think to describe sexual attraction for me at least is it's like walking down the high street and seeing a chocolate store and just KNOWING that I want to go into that chocolate store and I'll imagine what tasting the chocolate will be like and I'll get excited by the idea of eating it. Maybe I won't actually go into the store and buy it (desire..?) but from what I can see and what I can imagine, eating that chocolate would be pretty damn great and it makes me happy just thinking about it. (Apologies for the major innuendos but that was the best way j could think of describing it to make it more accessible..??)
Another scenario for Attraction and Arousal without Desire: You have an argument with your spouse or Significant Other. You agree to take a break and cool off before resuming the discussion. A few minutes later your partner is is in the shower and you see/hear them. Your body reacts to their condition (“Oh, they’re so gorgeous, just look at them!”) you experience arousal, and you’re definitely attracted to them, but nope, not happening. You’re still mad, and not in the mood for any sort of hanky-panky.
Yes that's what I was thinking! I experience it sometimes when I see my ex. I'm not mad now, I just remember how bad it went, and I know I don't want to repeat that again.
On the topic of assult; I really like that you take this up. Sexual reactions in the body doesn't mean consent! I'm big on reading manga, and especially when reading male, gay manga, way too often the first sexual intercourse happens just that way, and I hate it! The one assulting is always like "You say you don't like it, but you're sooo hard!" or "Are you sure you don't like it? Your body says differently..." and the one being assulted always cry and repeatedly say no, but the assulter keeps saying that, so they always end up concluding that the assulter is correct. I find that awful, real gaslightly.
Yep this is waayyyy too common a trope in those dom-sub dynamics that seem to be in most manga erotica. Can't even remember if I ever saw one that overtly did it differently.
Heterosexual Hentai will do the same thing with women also. The best case scenario is that they want it but feel conflicted potential consequences, even then simply forcing them would still be traumatizing.
yep i write fanfiction and I try really hard to avoid that horrible trope. it's less and less common now so that's good
Yes I despise this horrendous trope that's common in bl but also nsfw manga in general. I've read a ton of manga and manhwa and the amount I have dropped for this reason is concerning and the fact that I don't drop all of them but have still dropped a ton despite that is crazy to me.
@@lunalovegood2093 why do you have to try avoiding that trope? How is it difficult to not write about raping people? That shouldn't be hard.
damn this is such a great video
Thanks Ali!
@@hannahwitton do you experience arousal or aattraction to women
You have been seduced by that Venn diagram, haven't you. It's nerd filth.
Ali... I didn't know you watched Hannah...
When worlds collide
The return of SCIENCE HANNAH!!!!
🤓🤓
We love Science Hannah! 🥳
@@hannahwitton When you say the glasses are fake, does that mean you don't actually need glasses to read at this stage in your life? They just complete the persona.
Can't lie, the D comment got me.
@@hannahwitton well. If you didn't get my message about me wanting to learn more from a sex educator. I'm pinging you when you posted you're new video 11 hours ago. You might not look at previous video's that you posted. But I just wanted to tell you that I'm handicapped. I have asperger's syndrome. I get ssdi social security disability insurance. I can't get a job. I quit school because they kept sending me to handicapped classes with the students wearing diapers. Some of the kids. So I ran away at 16 years old. I didn't know that I could quit school at 16 but my mom didn't say anything because she wanted me to stay in school. But I just couldn't. But. When I was a kid the teachers at school said to my mom to take me to plattsburgh hospital ny. To see what was wrong with me. They said that I was learning slow.
re the "is it still sexual desire if you're doing it to please your partner", I know for me (an ace person dating an allo person) there is definitely a difference between doing sexual things with my partner because he's horny, and I know it'll be nice and the (much rarer) times when I'm actually experiencing desire.
on the other hand, there is also a difference between the times when my brain is like "fuck it why not" and the times where I am actively not in the mood, so basically, like everything in life, it's a spectrum not black and white
I'm demi and completely stuck in a B situation. I get aroused and have desire, but I'm rarely attracted to anyone. It's frustrating because I feel like demis often get included with asexuals, but for me this is not the case. I end up spending a lot of time alone. Dating apps don't work because I can't tell from a picture if I'm attracted to you, it's all about what's in your heart. I guess I'm just an old fashioned romantic. Also, a video with a Venn diagram gets a like!
well, demisexuals are under the asexual label (which is an umbrella term) ;)
of course, you can have a total singular and personal experience/interpretation of it and even use that label as something completely unique, not correlated to anything.
@@sami1503 Thank you for your kind reply. I've been this way my whole life, I'm not sure why I'm trying to label it now. Honestly, I almost deleted the comment feeling it was an overshare on my part, but I must not be alone in this, because it keeps getting likes.
@@seankirchner2378 I think that struggle is a big part of what makes you asexual. Maybe you can feel sexual attraction, but it's still in a certain circumstance that our society isn't built for, making your life harder. You don't feel sexual attraction in a 'normal' circumstance, and I think that is pretty much what it means to fall under the ace umbrella. I know it's not up to me, but please don't delete your comment. You sharing your thoughts is appreciated. Ah, my words aren't sounding quite how I'm meaning them to. This is supposed to be a nice sentiment, and saying that you can belong in the asexual community. I'd be interested in why you might not think so though.
@@conlon4332 Maybe I'm overthinking this. My lack of attraction makes me asexual? I have certainly been frustrated by this and have struggled with relationships. In the past I knew an asexual person that had no desire or arousal, which is not how I feel. This is why I assumed that I wasn't asexual. Maybe I do fit with the asexual community.
@@seankirchner2378 I would say so. lgbta.wikia.org/wiki/Asexual_Spectrum czcams.com/video/vyXv6ZxcE2A/video.html That video is Echo coming out as asexual, even though she's specifically grayasexual (experiences very little sexual attraction). I know that's not the same as you, but I thought it might be interesting to hear her perspective.
Love the desire not to shame anyone! Very important add-on: Male sexual assault is a reality and penis-owners also may experience arousal during and assault as a physical response. This doesn’t have anything to do with sexual attraction ir orientation. I see you and I stand with you and your experience is valid. ❤️
I was trying to think of how to say the same thing. It’s always troubled me when I hear some people make the claim that “ men can’t be raped by women because a man has to be aroused for it to work” which is of course nonsense because arousal, as stated here isn’t the same as desire and especially isn’t consent, it’s just a physiological body response.
It would have been good for this to have been mentioned in the video.
yeah, just cause your body is into it, does not mean it is not a traumatic violation. For some people the body will not do anything, if their are not mentaly in it, for some the body reacts, it is not a thing one can chose or controll
It doesn't help that the "common picture" of men is that they are "always up to it" and "they are men, they all want THIS"
It is an important topic. Not just for very violent non-consent situations but for relationships as well. Sometimes (especially in fairly new relationships) it is hard to explain that you have a physical reaction but this reaction is detached from your state of mind
I think a lack of desire in C could also just be indifference. Like maybe your partner really wants to do something sexual and you don't particularly but you also don't mind particularly so you just go along because you want your partner to have that pleasure.
Yes! And I’m also thinking that this scenario, or all C scenarios actually, is the phase (potentially) leading up to D in people with responsive desire. As a person with responsive desire I feel it often goes from being in the attraction circle, to being in the C, to being in the D.
I often feel like this as a Grey A person in a relationship with an Allosexual person. I will often try go with it if I have managed to get aroused and/or feel sexually attracted to my partner because I know that this kind of connection matters to them; even though I often have little to no desire to pursue it, even in the midst of it (I often draw a blank if they ask me what I want to do next). I'm absolutely capable of experiencing sexual pleasure but sexual experiences don't have the same pull or gravity for me as they seem to for other people; I feel sexual attraction very rarely; and arousal is it's own peculiar puzzle ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
agreed
And nothing happens?
I love the fact that Hannah can stay so serious and focussed with a mini whip explaining science, yet breaks when saying "maybe you get the occasional D and that's great!" 😂😂😂
I laughed so much! xD
I was waiting for this bad joke since I saw the D in the middle of the board
Wow I know we got the trigger warning but actually hearing someone clearly state the fact that arousal can happen during assault hit me harder than I expected. Thank you for saying it, it's important and hard to hear as someone who was gaslit about that for a long time. Your content is so important.
It is such an importent fact, that needs to be out there everywhere!!!
Thank you for talking about sexual attraction and sex in general. As an asexual, people being open about sex and what they think about it makes me more confident in my sexuality, and I think people talking about their feelings in general really helps me. Thank you!
"Not me, and not John Green" 😂😂😂 I'm ded
I WAS HOPING SOMEONE WOULD GET IT 😂
Love a good John Green circle reference!
I had to pause the video to laugh when I got it. 😂
I loved it!
+
As an asexual person who watches all your videos pretty much religiously, it was SUCH a treat to feel so included and visible in this video. Thank you, Hannah 💖
C is basically 99% of sex for me. I know it feels nice and my body can react to it, but I hardly ever care about it. Depression, anxiety and others don't help either, in my experience...
oof yes. depression is such a bummer. my desire can switch off from one second to another, even DURING. i hate it.
Yeah i feel the same way
I recently came out as ace spectrum so really glad you went into this. It took me so long to differentiate different feelings/desires etc. For me, I realised I can be physically attracted to anyone regardless of gender so regard myself as having pan-attraction to people, but I am only romantically attracted to men, so am hetero-romantic, but I am not attracted to anyone sexually except my partner, so am asexual spectrum, specifically demisexual.
It took me 23 years to get to this point and my teenage years feeling weird because I didn’t want to have sex with anyone and wasn’t interested in it but had always wanted a relationship, but now it all lines up and makes sense why I can find someone physically attractive but not be interested in them romantically or sexually.
I’ve only experienced sexual attraction to my partner, and that was after I formed a strong emotional relationship with them, but I was always physically, emotionally and romantically attracted to them, so separating all those things really helped me figure myself out. I also struggled with thinking I had to have desire first to be into sex, and it never happened for me like that, it is more often a take or leave it feeling, but Id experience a lot of arousal and attraction to my partner, or even arousal on my own but minimal desire.
I also put ace spectrum - demisexual as my sexuality on the recent UK census which felt good 😁
sounds about as confusing as my own all over the place attraction mess ^^
i am going by aro ace cuddle monster until I sorted out whatever I am demi as I susspect or whatever . . . . ^^
I experience very strong platonic attraction, often accompanied by sensual attraction. As for sexual attraction, I at times get why people find someone attractiv, but I would not want anything with them anyway. I had two romantic crushes I did not wish to follow up on and I felt no jealousy over, but I am not sure how much my not wanting a relationship was genuine and how much trauma response . . .
my genuine heartbreak crushes where both male and similar to a point of absurdity when it came to exterior factors like lefthandedness, playing music, eye color, hair color, tallness . . . .
(honestly, how can I have a broken heart from rejecting a guy?!")
More instantly crushes where on women also quite similar to eachother, but reather diffeent from the men, though I never had the casual opportunity to get closer to them naturaly, it never developed further so I am not sure, if it would have other wise . . . . I do not feel like gender or sex matter to me so pan feels natural to me, but thats not what experience tells me . . .
I think I am currently experiencing sort of a "C" situation with a good friend of mine. I am attracted to them and my body reacts, but I don't want it to go anywhere because it would complicate our relationship and I would rather just stay friends. Mostly because I don't see myself falling in love with them and I know they don't like FWB situations.
In terms of a sex worker I wonder what their Venn Diagrams would look like. Thanks for another interesting video!
Ooh, I’m thinking their Venn diagram might be Desire on its own for clients (at the very least desiring the benefits of the transactional relationship), and Arousal + Attraction or all three for their partners.
I think it's very true that arousal generally arrives before desire and often without any desire or attraction following. It's interesting to me you said this is misconception that's difficult for women to deal with. Because I find as a man it's been challenging in a way. Because you can find yourself aroused by people or things that you're really know your not attracted to or even shouldn't be having sex for various reasons. That can lead to a lot of internal shame and anxiety when you confuse that arousal for desire. It's important to recognize that anatomical and scenery response is not actually verification of what the mind wants.
"Responsive Desire" Good term to remember.
Listening to this video while at work with headphones and taking my headphones off every other minute to double check that the video is not loud enough to be heard by anyone else.
Just as I was thinking "hm, asexuality makes so much sense to me now", Hannah said she'd touch upon that subject later... I love how in depth and inclusive this was!!!
Potential C scenario:
Fantasizing about women (as a female) but not wanting to act on it
Ace of Spades unite! Our Queen of informational content is back!
PS: Damn, that one dislike really bugs me ^^' there's less than 1k views right now who would dislike this?
someone has to be the first lol
@@hannahwitton re: dislikes
Dr Statham Green Wing : Bloody Bastards
A somewhat odd example for C is in friendships where you are turned on by a friend you find attractive but don't have any desire to act on it.
Platonic relations that you want to keep that way.
for arousal and desire and attraction, for me i guess sexual attraction would be replaced with romantic attraction or even aesthetic. ive been recently questioning my sexuality and had a few troubles defining what sexual attraction meant, even just for me. thank you so much for the video! ❤
Well 5/5 clearly a good student after all. Venn diagram wise my personal circles would be of very different sizes and overlaps. Also have changed so much over the decades. Interesting concept to understand so you can better communicate with your partner for better understanding of each other. Want to try this with my wife.
I feel more secure in my asexuality than ever, thank you hannah 💜
Out of all the places on the internet I could get my sex and relationships education, I'm really glad it's you.
Just my two cents: I quite often experience attraction and arousal together, where the desire only comes after the other two.
Also, as someone who is attracted to both genders, but in different ways, my diagram would also really differ between genders. I am both sexually and emotionally attracted to men, so I've experienced all three together. However, I'm not emotionally attracted to women, and I can only experience desire with people that I am emotionally close to. So I've felt the attraction to women, as well as the little arousal tingle in my stomach, but never desire.
god I wish I'd seen this video like 7 years ago. I always assumed that my lack of desire was because I "wasn't ready" when in reality i wasnt experiencing attraction and mistook arousal for attraction, so it took me years to realise I was ace,, this sort of information would have been really nice to have been taught before I spent years questioning xD
Hi Hannah! I've been watching your videos on & off for a couple of years now and find them really easy to digest & think about my own relationship to the topic of discussion. Thank you for including the point about arousal in assault 02:40 . I was molested 11 years ago & the fact that it made me erect screwed up my relationship with sex for a couple of years (on top of exploring sex with schoolmates in an all-boys school). I'm better now & the bitterness about the experience is gone. I hope other survivors who could read this comment know that it was never your fault.
Thanks for creating this space for us to think & laugh Hannah!
Much love from Singapore
When I saw the Venn diagram's C, I thought of someone in a monogamous relationship being turned on and attracted to someone but not wanting to act upon it because... they are monogamous.
Okay so, you guys can just be visually stimulated but another female without desiring them or thinking about sex with another person? So then the gf shouldn’t feel bad?
Can you do a video on the asexuality spectrum? I've been questioning where I fall on that spectrum recently, but it is hard to find clear and cohesive information that doesn't carry stigma.
if you are asking yourself that question, you probably do in a way, it is a reather varried and wide field
Coming from the ace delegation (we’ve spent a lot of time on these differences), we don’t generally consider the external motives to be sexual desire/libido. If I want to feel good it’s desire, if I want my partner to feel good I’m /choosing/ to engage in sexual behaviors. But then if I get off on pleasing my partner, that could be a desire. Turns out it’s all somewhat complex lol. I think overall we tend to define “desire” as something self-actuated.
I love you brought back Dr. Witton.
This video is game-changing. Would you consider doing a video about overcoming sexual shame as a continuation of this topic? Thank you for being such a positive and uplifting influence in the world of sex education!
As a trans woman on HRT for over a year, this is a really interesting way to look at it, cause one of the side effects of HRT is a significant decrease in desire and arousal, though I wouldn't be able to say whether one or both of those two reinforce the other. Like, physically it's very rare to get any spontaneous arousal that otherwise might've led to desire, and even when desire is there it won't easily lead to arousal unless I specifically try. And especially looking back on it, it's interesting to see how much less my mind even goes towards anything sexual now than it did before. Even in cases of arousal without desire I now usually just think "that's annoying, stop that" (though part of that is likely related to it having become slightly painful cause lack of regular arousal also leads to atrophy). On the other hand, I do feel an even higher desire for emotional intimacy than before, which is interesting (though highly impractical when single in a pandemic😅)
This is one of the most intelligent looks at the three feelings I have seen on youtube. During lockdown when everyone at home its even more of a good one to look at. The three emotions can be so utterly different, from a male pov, you can gain arousal even when your not excited even feeling sad, such as waking up in the morning, or a response to anxiety.desire and attraction as you said can be very different, or go together.its a complex subject.
I (as a woman) get aroused from the strangest things. Often when something is happening, that I really like and I get this whole body dopamine rush, a part of it is arousal. It could be from smelling a flower or realizing it's Friday instead of Wednesday. It sometimes feels like my whole body wants to communicate "YES" but the only way my vagina can participate is through arousal
@@killitwithfire5377 So true. It can be so random, sometimes like reading a particular mundane word or phrase (I don't even know), or thinking about a place. And then all of a sudden, a flash of arousal, and it's like "huh?" But just one of the many ways your body reacts to being alive I guess, who says it has to "make sense."
In my life, I’ve also found that the more I engage in sexual activity, the more desire I have to engage in more sexual activity.
As someone questioning their sexuality, I really appreciate this. So often these terms are use interchangeably to define sexual orientation and it’s confusing. This helps clear some things up and makes me feel more comfortable exploring my sexuality
Okay, so as an ace, I know romantic attraction and sexual attraction aren’t the same thing and that some asexuals are still sexually active, but it’s all very difficult to describe to others and it especially worries me when it comes to dating. BUT your explanation helped sort out some of my worries. This video is increíble helpful and tbh should have been a sex ed lesson in school. Excuse me while I blast it to everyone I know.
I think I really learned something about myself today and helped me understand my own asexuality better. Thank you, Hannah, for your fun and educational videos.
Love seeing all the other a-spec people in the comments! I find the topic of sexual attraction very confusing, but this video was very helpful, and I think got me closer to understanding, even though I continue to be confused lol. Thanks, Hannah!
Loved the video Hannah. 51 still live with my mu. Never had sex and been confused all my life.I'm probably heterosexual but never matured sexually. So I'm grateful for the video. Making sexuality more understandable and making me more at ease with myself.
I share content I've enjoyed throughout the week in my weekly newsletter and this is definitely going straight into that! You're one of my fav content creators these day. keep it up!
Edit: also, btw, super grateful that you mention the asexual spectrum when discussing these topis! Thank you for helping raising awareness about it and normalizing it.
The concept of responsive desire has blown my mind and made me feel so seen!!!
That feeling when you know a video is about to change your life and teach you something you should have been told ages ago ✨
Wow, that explains a lot about why as a lesbian I get turned on by male gay porn/sexy litterature. I can experience arousal and desire without the attraction. My coming out is fairly recent and I kept wondering if that meant I was attracted to men. But I really am not! I think? Still figuring things out.
Love you Hannah thanks for the video! ♥️
I did have it with lesbian content though I am heterosexual .
Honestly I have never thought about it, having no experience with other people I was thinking its always the combo,didn't realize how unrealistic and unreal that is. Great video, both educational and fun to watch!!!
“Not me, Not John Green!”
😂💕😂😂🌀😂😂💕😂
example C is relatable for me who has ptsd. i can be turned on and attracted to a person, but because of past experiences the desire just isn't there
This is amazing and extremely helpful! Thank you!! ❤
edit: I think it would be super interesting to talk more about *attraction* (what that means to different people or how it can manifest). And maybe the difference between *sexual and romantic attraction*
Totally agree! I’m trying to figure out if I’m asexual and/or aromantic and could really use some more info on what these types of attraction are
This video was AMAZING at explaining the differences and bonus points for talking about the ace spectrum. As a sex therapist, I approve this video and cannot wait to use it with my clients to assist their sexual journies! Thank you, Hannah!
A C scenario could just be what you were saying a lot of women experience: responsive desire. So perhaps a C scenario could be when you put yourself in the sexy times, with someone you’re attracted to, but it’s just before the mental desire has started kicking in. Does that make sense?
Makes sense!!
Also potentially being in a c scenario where its not practical to continue engaging etc, like you'll be late for something, or you know the consequences will be negative (sleeping with a friends partner that you're sexually attracted to, perhaps?), but also, on the darker side of the coin, being raped or sexually assaulted by someone you fancy (or a partner) as well, in that there is attraction and arousal, but no desire. Its definitely a more negative way to look at it, but assault by a partner or someone you know is so common that I imagine scenario C is actually also then quite common unfortunately as a result
I have been thinking about this a lot, and was very confused, but this video was very helpfulllll! thank you!
This made me sub. Never heard of you before but I’m soooo happy to find your channel. I’m nerding out omg 😍😍
Okay, I've never commented in a yt video before, but this one deserves a huge THANK YOU 💕
Trust me, you're doing a great job by providing sex education and solving the misconceptions/myths among them. We need more people like you. Keep going!!!
You should totally to a sequel to this where you do the game show with submitted scenarios. Like, get people to send them in and do it with other people's scenarios.
I still find myself referencing this video in conversations after months. I am making everyone around me watch it. Amazing video and such an interesting way to look at these aspects of sexuality.
This video is so important. There are a lot of sexual assault survivors that carry guilt, shame and even blame for the body response to the the assault and that can result in not only more trauma, but confusion that may delay the getting away from that situation. This information is liberating, thank you so much for sharing.
This video has really helped me thank you Hannah! I am currently healing from sexualassult from my childhood, I finally met an amazing man and am in the most supportive and healthy relationship I've been in thoughout my whole life. So i beat myself up a bit about how I don't feel desire, arousal and attraction in the same way I did before the assault. But it's nice to know I'm normal because 'normal' isn't real, I am me, my body is my body and there's nothing wrong with that! 😊 I love your videos, keep doing what you're doing, you're great! 😊
As an ace person, another “C” situation I’ve had where I’ve had past relationships(so not necessarily sexual/romantic attraction but people I liked being around) and maybe they say something or something that’s kinda hot but I don’t want to actually do anything sexual with them.
What an informative video, another example for the C diagram between arousal and attraction, in my experience as demisexual, is where you there is distrust in a relationship. You are aroused by them, you are attracted to them, but the desire doesn't exist, or is at least negated by resentment or fear.
Your videos are the only thing reminding me what day it is right now as I know you always post on Tuesday and Thursday🤣❤
We love a schedule, glad it helps 🤓
Great video Hannah! I'm a doctor and we medicos don't talk much about these topics. Thanks Hannah❤️
i love the effort put in your videos haha
and watching this makes me draw parallels to romantic attraction, desire, and "arousal", too! i'm glad you're out here providing fun, informative content and giving people the vocabulary to talk about their experience
you're such a great teacher
Wow, that was pretty damn good, thanks for sharing your knowledge with us.
I’m demi sexual and always love these videos
I just found your channel and I'm watching a few of your videos now and I just have to say thank u for doing these types of videos. They're very informative and helpful! Also, I LOVE your personality! U seem like a very cool person to be around. Keep up the great videos!
This is so cool! Such a well done video :))
This is legit such a good and important video. Thank you so much Hannah. Made stuff very clear.
C is like my default god it feels so nice to have AN EXPLANATION
Thank god there are people putting this stuff out there.
My thoughts on C actually go back to one of your earlier questions in the explaining desire section about the nuance of wanting to have sex for the purposes of pleasuring your partner or for emotional intimacy. You aren't necessarily experiencing desire for sex or an orgasm, but what you are experiencing a desire for might include or be facilitated by sexual activity.
Depression can also lower libido a lot, so in my experience that would be an example of a C situation
Wonderful video! As an ace person, thank you for opening up this discussion c:
LOVE this! I'm demisexual, and I have been using these terms distinctly for years because it helped me explain things like why I can be really attracted to someone and still not want to have sex with them, but it's very validating to hear someone much more knowledgeable use them in a similar way to how I have done. That has also led to C type scenarios that do not end in sex.
Hi, by attraction here, do you mean aesthetic attraction? Like finding a lot of people pleasing but not in a sexual attraction sense? I’m sorry for bothering but I’ve been confused with the definition of sexual attraction and lately questioning how does that affect me.
@@shreyabajad I am using attraction here more to mean romantic attraction, or sexual attraction without sexual desire (although aesthetic attraction often plays a part in both of those for me)
@@serafinassong Got it! Does that mean that it is okay to find someone sexually attractive (in addition to aesthetic attraction) but not wanting to associate with them in any manner or have an intention for romantic/sexual relationship and still associate with Demisexuality?
I need to form a connection, trust them and feel safe before thinking about any sort of relationship with the person. Can I still call myself demisexual as I do not feel sexual attractiveness in a way most people do?
@@shreyabajad I think it's up to you to decide what label feels right,but that absolutely sounds like it could be demisexuality to me.
@@serafinassong thank you so much! :)
It means a lot to me to speak about it with someone and feel validated. And you’re right, I might take some time to figure it out but it’s going to be worth it.
LOVE the venn diagram!! has made so many things so mcuh clearer
This video is so incredibly helpful! I’ve experienced all of these scenarios. I’m a lesbian- but it took me a while to figure out partly because I’ve had experiences with men that were enjoyable because they were good at a certain thing- even tho I wasn’t attracted to them. Or it felt good cause I wanted to have sex in general- but I still wasn’t attracted to them. I’ve also had experiences where I’m very attracted to someone but then am not feeling very aroused during sex. Sexuality is so complex and I really appreciate this breakdown- it’s very informative and has helped me validate a lot of experiences that have been confusing for me!
I love the different segments in this video! You’re a fantastic teacher! 💛
Eee thank you 🥰🥰
This videos helped me so much in understanding past experiences that I had no name/explanation for! 😍
Took me forever to realize I was ace, because of my experience with arousal and desire, but I have never actually experienced sexual attraction. So glad this emphasised the fact that asexuality is first and foremost about the lack of attraction, and that different ace people can have very different experiences and attitudes towards sexuality.
I feel like this is such a great video for a high school sex ed class! You explain everything so clearly and in such a fun manner, it's awesome. I'm no longer in high school, but if I was I'd definitely bring it up to one of my teachers!! Especially because it explains how consent isn't a bodily response but a literal one.
My first thought with C was a not-ready situation, like maybe early on in dating someone and too nervous to want to act on anything, or being young and having all those hormones happening and getting crushes but having no idea what to do about it. It could also be a low-libido person spending time with someone they fancy and they are a bit "meh" about doing it, but they totaly could if they found the motivation. I feel like a lot of kink stuff could fit in this category - like wanting to do non-sex things with a specific someone and getting aroused by them, but being really clear about the boundries.
Edit: Maybe also hate-fancying someone. Being attracted to and aroused by someone, but disliking that fact and wishing you could punch them in the face and bleach your own brain.
Disclaimer, I am Ace and purely spitballing here.
I would be interested to see more about substitues for sexual attraction - in theory, only "B" would be available to me if I ever had sex, but I'm fairly sure other factors about who it was with, even though that attraction wasn't there, would effect things. It get's a bit squicky if I think about it too long, though.
this is one of the first videos I’ve seen that I can identify my experiences with and actually feel NORMAL! Woohoo
Thank you so much for including asexuals in this discussion it made me very happy :D
6:17 That's a good explanation haha! It's also worth noting that orientation is defined by attraction, which is obviously another connection, but if for whatever reason you are aroused by someone or want to have sex with them, that doesn't necessarily impact your orientation, depending on the reason. Orientation is defined by attraction, so if the reason is not attraction it's by the by. This is most often talked about for asexul people, but it applies to anyone.
so you can be turned on by someone without wanting to have sex with them like a straight woman finds a woman in porn hot but wouldn't want to have sex with them?
"If you are aroused by someone or want to have sex with them, that doesn't necessarily impact your orientation"
"Orientation is defined by attraction, so if the reason is not attraction is by the by."
Could you explain better? What do you mean?
If you want to have sex with someone, then you are attracted to them... No?
@@mariangelamariangela4199 I don't think necessarily, as there are lots of reasons you'd want to have sex with someone. Because you think it will feel good, because you want to prove a point, because you want to get pregnant, because you love someone and want to make them feel good, et cetera. It doesn't have to be because you're attracted to them. You could try looking up "Why would asexual people want to have sex" for more reasons.
@@conlon4332 So how do you know if is pure attraction? What is attraction?
@@mariangelamariangela4199 Oh my goodness, you know how difficult these questions are to answer, right? That's really not an easy or at all black and white question, and I'm not sure if I even fully know the answer, but I'll try. I need to start by saying that there are many different kinds of attraction, not just sexual. There's romantic attraction, where you want a relationship with someone, there's platonic attraction, where you want to be friends with someone, and there's aesthetic attraction, where you like how someone looks and enjoy looking at them. Then there's sensual attraction, which is focused on the senses. You want to touch them, smell them, cuddle with them, even kiss them, but it's not necessarily sexual. It can be. Any of these types of attraction can be felt together, in any combination, or on their own. I also want to point out, before I move on, that sensual attraction doesn't necessarily mean all the things I listed, those are just examples. It's common to feel sensual attraction towards friends and family members, not just lovers. Finally, there's sexual attraction. You're right, that sexual attraction is most often described as wanting to have sex with someone, and it _is_ a desire to have sex with someone, but it's not the only reason you'd want to, as I said earlier. I suppose the difference is that all those other reasons are derived from conscious (or at least semi-conscious) thought and reasoning, whereas attraction is something you _feel._ You can't really control it, and you don't necessarily know why it's there. You can't decide to feel attracted to someone, you just are or you aren't. That doesn't mean it can't change, because it definitely can, but it's not something you can decide. It's not that you think you would enjoy it, or that you love that person, or you think you should be attracted to someone. Those have conscious and logical reasoning that made you decide you wanted to have sex with that person. But attraction is different. As I said, you don't decide it, you don't choose it, there's not necessarily a reason for it, and yet you feel it. It's a desire that you can't control, a sort-of inherent, instinctual desire, and it doesn't necessarily line up with what you consciously, logically decide you want. Not only can you want to have sex with someone you're not attracted to, you can also not want to have sex with someone that you are. Just because you are attracted to someone, doesn't mean that on a logical, conscious level, you want to have sex with that person. It's a very important difference. It doesn't matter if someone is attracted to you, if they decide that they don't want to have sex with you, then they don't want to have sex with you, even if their body or instincts (for lack of a better word) don't agree. That conscious decision, regardless of attraction, is the difference between consent and no consent, so it's a very important one. I suppose it's the difference between what you feel and what you think. And I also think that the fact that we don't just make decisions based on what we feel, is a big part of what makes us human. It's the difference between a man and a dog, because even if we're attracted to someone, we can decide whether we then actually want to act on it or not. And we can have other reasons than that inherent feeling we can't control. I hope this helped you understand, however I'm aware that it was very long and rambly and potentially confusing, so please let me know if there was anything you didn't understand. Before I finish I want to clarify that I'm not using you as in _you,_ I'm using as in one, someone, people in general, and I also want to point out that not everyone feels attraction. Ok, that's it. I hope this made sense.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot. Thank you for the video!
This is a brilliant video Hannah. This has given me a really good way to describe my experiences as an asexual person so thank you for that!
Thank you for your amazing video ! As an asexual person, I like seeing this kind of video about nuances about sexual arousal/desire/attraction ! 😊
If people in the crowd were more informed about it, it'll so much better - for us a-spec folks but also for their own understanding
For me when it comes to someone I am attracted to the biggest problem for me is confidence if they like me back and find me attractive
I just wanna say that Science Hannah has exceptionally nice hair in this one
Thanks for this clear overview of these three concepts :)
I was talking about it with a friend, and realized that all three are also a scale. You don't just have one, two or three of these happening fully, but for example you can have some arousal, some desire and a lot of attraction.
And I think these concepts can be translated to non sex related things (but maybe just for fun). For example, I am attracted to brownies (I like them), I can have a desire for brownies (I want some right now), but when I am full I have no arousal for brownies (actual wish from my body for brownies). Just a fun thought experiment to explore and understand the meaning of these concepts a bit more :)
I would like my partner to see that video, it puts words on so many situations! And would help to explain lots of feelings (Problem being he does not speak English and I am not sure how to translate) But WOW that is a great subject to talk about ! Thaks a lot Hannah!
I feel like number 5 is also attraction, if my partner did all those things I’d be reminded of how much I like/love them and find them more attractive
This was so well done. I've been contemplating where I lie on the asexual spectrum after identifying as demisexual for a while, but recent developments have me thinking I might be more allosexual/greyace than I thought? So aceflux felt appropriate to describe things but with your breakdown of sexual arousal, desire (and the multitude of reasons that cause desire) and their connection really helped me realise that yes, I AM more allo than I thought for a moment, I just am not proactive as I tend to have more reciprocal attraction, so I should focus on positive reinforcement.
This was soooo fab Hannah!! Thank you dear!