I think a lot of this has to do with self-loathing. If you hate yourself, you feel undeserving of happiness and good health. It can be a slow form of suicide.
I believe this is what's happening with my aunt: self loathe so she doesn't go to the doctor, she even says death would be a gift. My mother lacks self love but doesn't loathe herself (at least not to her sister extent) and has a hard time going to the doctor too but makes an effort sometimes. Self love is SO important.
I recently met a psychologist and asked him the reason people committed suicide. He said it was rage turned inward. Rage probably does explain the slow suicide of self-neglect.
Exactly what I'm observing in my terminally ill, elderly mother. Emotionally completely shut down, unable to name a single emotion, unable to laugh, unable to cry, unable to talk about anything deeper than the weather. And continuing on a lifestyle that keeps killing her even faster. I'm really sad. All I can do is to be there for her, love her, but I can't change her or her choices.
I think once people get to this point in their lives where it's almost over, there's no benefit in going through all that internal pain because there's no life left to live. It's like they've done triage on themselves and have determined it's not worth the effort. Sorry you have to go through this.
I have avoidant personality disorder. So my 'bad habit' is avoidance of social interaction. It protects me in the moment, but destroys me over time. I avoid the possibility of getting hurt by others. While I know that this behavior is killing me, I don't know jow to stop it. The more I put myself out there and challenge myself, the bigger is the backlash, the more I avoid it afterwards. It's like a circle of retraumatization. Again and again... it's so exhausting over time. Sorry, there's nothing positive in my comment.
I was just thinking about this the other day. You're not alone. I have a similar thing from being traumatized by relationships. Good job noticing the pattern. For me, at one point I hadn't laughed or smiled for months at a time, I could barely make eye contact. It affected my facial muscles to the point I could barely smile. To this day I have many lingering symptoms. My college days were very lonely and depressing. My solution was to spend my energy searching for truth and finding authenticity in myself and the world. I tried a sort of personality reset by talking as little as possible and listening much more with focus. That enabled me to learn from people and avoid toxic mannerisms. Mindfulness is key - knowledge, awareness, consciousness. Once I became aware of the nature of my family's mental health issues and abuse, improvements came much faster. It felt like the more I learned the better, and I was extremely hungry to learn because I was desperate to get out of the swamp of my family and I's sickness. It was extremely difficult to navigate, but the veil had broken. I was disoriented and in pain, but I fought hard to ground myself with the information and experience I had at my disposal. What Daniel is saying is 100% true. These hurt, dissociated abusers would rather die sick and naive than go through the pain and challenge of acceptance and healing. It's incredible how going through something like this can impact one's perspective on life itself. All of that insight can be a great gift, but it's also alienating especially if you aren't careful. The enablers, abusers, and deniers (most people), simply do not get it. The insulation of their world requires vast ignorance about life and humanity and of their own nature. That seems to be the more default human experience unfortunately. Wouldn't it be great to change that. Best of luck to you on your path.
@@BBWahoo what he’s talking is NOT agoraphobia….that’s a Fear of places and situations that might cause panic, helplessness, or embarrassment…..this is A LOT different….it’s not a fear of leaving the house…..or having a panic attack in public or embarrassment etc. We’re talking about the fear of GETTING INVOLVED with anyone in any fashion or interaction….. Sooooo.
I think some of them knowingly are committing a slow-motion suicide. So sad. You are right on. They are choosing not to deal with any more suffering. No one else can make that choice and, at times, I don’t blame them!
When I stopped drinking, I immediately after couldn't handle most of my friends! I also changed my diet and I got so many discouraging comments and people who didn't believe I had food intolerances. Also, you have to deal with holidays and gatherings where you eat differently than everybody and you have to bring food every time. Not to mention going against your family food traditions and staying sober when everyone's tipsy. I removed so many people from my life and I became lonely in my spiritual and healing journey. But tbh...I was always lonely together with all those people. The road to awakening your body and awareness is often a lonely one, but the worst suffering is to lose your self. My life isn't perfect, and I still have addictions but now I kinda know how to deal with emotions and shadows...and that's TOTALLY worth all the work. The more I integrate, the more happiness and love I have access to. And that's from somebody who didn't even know what love was anymore.
Hey. Some things you are telling are reminding me what I've been through, some not so much. I became addicted to alcohol in my very early teen years if not in childhood. I tried to find some temporary escape from dealing with parental abuse and with the school system I couldn't tolerate (also with abuse at scool both from peers and teachers/administration: nobody likes when one openly expresses his/her anti-autoritarian views and "misbehaves" not following the herd) this way. When I was around 18, I suddenly stopped drinking. It was an insight that I got - "I don't need it". Refusing to drink when others do never was a problem for me, even when I dealt with alcoholics. Same with refusing to eat certain food because of intolerancies and/or for ethical reasons. I guess that's because back then I had a lot of energy, I was intelligent, quick-minded, charismatic. So I just blew people's minds off. Sometimes I was succesful in persuading them in changing their lifestyle (including diet), their ways of thinking / percieving the world and themselves. Now I'm numbed out comparing to my past self. I used to be very empathic and emotionally sensitive - and that led me to my current situation: I tried to help a lot of people with serious psychological issues. I'm numb partially because of this: I burned out. I'm also numbed out because of what's going on in my life. There are horrible things that can happen to everyone and which most people refuse to recognise; to admit that that could be truth. I'm drinking again. Daniel speaks nothing about g a n g stalking, p s y ter ror.
@heir of the spirit thanks for sharing. I burned out too big time. My addictions.changed, but still were devilitating (conquering them step by step.now. youtube however, is one;) About psychic attacks if that's what you mean. I.do.believe in such, truly. In my humble opinion however, both people and spirits we attract are to.somewhat degree a mirror. All the darkness we see or perceive is part of us, because we are one unified field. It's supported by quantum physics and not just a woo woo.concept. It was at least helpful for me to see it this way, bc then I stopped perceiving myself as a victim. I was a "victim" and in that mentality for many many years, and it got too painful . When seeing how everything mirror me, and also mirroring my past,.my family and my parents I saw it wasn't my fault. It's the programming from childhood that becomes a template for our life, unless we go back to the shadow/pain and heal. Feel it to heal it. That's what I did, so I know it's true for me , but I respect anyone who does not believe so This is my experience, thats all
@@empowerment.artist well, the victim role never was smth attractive for me. And I got rid of self-pity many years ago. I almost healed my childhood and adulthood traumas. But then _this_ had started (or maybe continued, only it became obvious (they do iy demonstratively when you are in an "open phase") and more extreme).
@@empowerment.artist let's assume you're right and we are "one unified field". Doesn't that mean there's very little one can do at the point we are at? I really believed that I could make a difference and change smth for the better... And probably it's the reason behind them making me a target.
I believe part of it is that "comfortable misery" is less scary than the overwhelming and life-threatening distress that comes with letting buried feelings come up. Whether or not the mortal danger is real is debatable, but I suspect it probably was real once upon a time. It took me a long time to figure out how to descend into that core of mortal dread and now that I know the way to get there, I'm even more terrified. It's no joke. No wonder people, including myself, would rather have destructive habits than to try to get healthy. The path to health is heroic by nature.
My mother had a mental breakdown in her late 40s. The advice she got in hospital was that she was a very sensitive person and most people weren’t that sensitive. She took that and ran with it. It meant she didn’t have to deal with it but leave her emotional issues buried in her past. The hard part for me is she’s also in denial about how her trauma affected us as children. She was just constantly stressed and never had time for relaxing. I don’t remember any spontaneous laughter or relaxed conversations or music. It was just work work and lots of tension & stress. Yet she seems to have no clue how it may have impacted everyone else. My father was just as bad and we do talk about him, but we never talk about her role.
This is very true. I am psychotic and alcoholic, suffer from two other addictions and it's like every time I do try to be healthier my anxiety becomes so unbearable I get on edge to being hospitalised again and I never want to get to that point again. It feels like healing is impossible, that any attempt is meant to fail. It's basically despair, and helplessness.
I have hope for you! Know someone who struggled for years with psychosis and it took a long time for them to just let in any kind of trust and love to start building something for themselves. And so so many people out there know to add abuse onto those who truly suffer. It's not strange at all that it's hard to find solid ground to heal from. You have so much courage for being open like this.
Incredible awareness tells me there is great hope for you! Wishing you strength on your brave and admirable journey that many others resist. Someday you'll be able to help the others when they finally allow themselves, perhaps modeling after your example as the trailblazer.
Daniel - some of us can't find appropriate therapy for traumas which cause unhealthy addictions & ill-health. Psychologists in the UK charge £100+ which means many on low incomes are socially excluded straight away. Therapists don't usually understand trauma despite listing it as something they treat, they usually have no idea what they're doing. It's quite dangerous to see a therapist for trauma only to have another agenda imposed on you & you end up re-traumatised instead. Those who claim a specialism in trauma exploit this to charge extortion ate fees and end up socially excluding again. It's a dead-end street. I personally recommend counselling rather than therapy for trauma because they're more down-to-earth and less corrupt.
I have been an alcoholic and have since healed from that affliction, but I got glimpses into exactly what Daniel is talking about on some of my mushroom trips. Sometimes the suffering was so overwhelming, I felt like I would rather be dead that face that unfathomable clawing darkness. It really was excruciating and a few times I had to take sedatives to smooth out the hell ride. People don't realise the deep pain they carry around inside themselves.
Yeah, but you did it. Like its do-able. And once you're in it, you know.. you get through it. I think its the anticipation like going into cold water.. and just how normalized its become, "oh no, we can't look uncouth, that won't be tolerated". Like dude, you already look a mess!!
@@carl8568 Not YOU, but like all of us, me as well. I knew when I looked a mess and how it was just easier at one point to embrace the chaos and get the help and do the work and dive deeper into it. And its fun in a way, after you begin, I think. Its pretty useless after all caring how people see you. That's the main thing though. That's what being a good person has come to mean - caring how people see you.
@@bandanasharma3809 Well no, it's not exactly useless, otherwise it wouldn't be the case. Protective mechanisms like that have their place, best if you can spot them though.
@@carl8568 You are right in a way. Peoples' negative perceptions and isolating you can have a huge impact, that type of caring is one thing. That you can survive, these types of people who refuse to change, they don't have THAT type of caring. They have the kind like if I stop getting fake validation from fake people who definitely already hate me I won't be able to show my face, because they were taught these types of things. Like Dynasty or Dallas soap opera values. But life is not like that. Once you heal, you really cross out of the fake soap opera stuff and you can still care in a practical way what people think. But not that fantasy crap that literally is useless because it isn't REAL. lol.
I used to be a drunk for 20 years. I'm not anymore. Almost 10 years away from it. Dad died from throat cancer complications. He was homeless and lived with the tumor for a year before doing anything about it. He wound up emaciating and pouring booze into his feeding tube. I still love and miss him and wish we could have had a better life. I forgive him.
I've been struggling to lose weigtht my whole life. Got serious two years ago about healing my inner child. I lost over 100lbs. Holidays are the worst, my child growing up is stirring up new triggers, and I've gained 10 lbs back. It feels like all is lost, there is no point, but I keep going. Each day I get up and try again. The pain... the memories.. all of it is so hard to face. Trusting anyone at all after so many turned on me at such a young age... it leaves you feeling like there is no point. When you feel worthless inside, it is hard to find the reasoning to push past the pain and keep going. I've masked for so long.. taking it off.. I keep trying, I keep reaching for it, but I need to be better for my child. It's hard to reparent yourself and your teen, but... I want better for both of us, and maybe if I get better, I can help someone else. Mental dump, this was somewhat soothing. I hope everyone can find peace with their innerself.
proud of you, people who change their emotional patterns based on the childhood trauma incurred are the ones who deserve the ticker tape parades (as all of us on this channel well know because it's an ordeal and ultra marathon in one).
Hi Daniel, you just described all this so well, it is so heart wrenching! My father died of alcoholism, and you described how he lived. He had the sweetest poetic side to him but he could also be so mean to the people he loved the most. I still miss him so and I am still working on all the anger I still have towards him. I am also alcoholic and sober for thankfully 12 years now, but still feel lows, and still go to therapy. It’s a lifelong journey as you well know. Thank you for your very insightful and empathetic analysis, you are one of those people who add value to society and I send you tons of love ❤️
I used to be a drunk for 20 years. I'm not anymore. Almost 10 years away from it. My dad was an alcoholic as well. He was molested. His dad died when he was 8. He started smoking cigs at like 10 he told me. He lived an insane life of distress and mayhem (crime), and he always said that alcohol was WORSE for him than heroin. I love Dad, even if he really was a dark mean motherf'r to me. I wish he was still here. I had my children well after he died. Ma overdosed when I was 16. I'm currently 43. Still have my own problems, but booze and drugs aren't a part of them.
Well spoken. I have formulated the same observations about my own family of origin, but using some different terminology. I later learned it's called 'the sunk cost fallacy' - basically they've put such a huge chunk of their life into their dysfunction that finally admitting to themselves that they've essentially wasted most of their lives becomes an unbearable conclusion for them to make. At some point, I believe they've subconsciously determined that the amount of suffering required to emerge on the other side is no longer worth it, so fallaciously they conclude that making the best of their situation amounts to remaining in denial. In a way it almost makes sense (it's psycho-logical), but of course not quite.
Or having progressed so long in a certain direction that u dont have capacity to turn back and "Begin" in a different direction (Maybe coz of time, or age, or strength etc).. Like when a parent eventually realizes how toxic they were to a child after the child is grown but at that point they dont know how to handle the grown self aware child differently.. creating awkward moments of giving love when the child is now adult and can see through the effort... After the damage was already done
The same is for people who refused NOT to harm their body with some substance. Just because they wanted to go on a trip / holiday. Or not to feel what was going on. Pretend that it is all ok. I noticed that all these people had some form of depression. Life is choosing life, continuously. And experiencing what life and nature bring us.
This was a hard video to watch, but ultimately absolutely true and a good message for me to hear. I've been doing the self-exploration path for almost 4 years now, with the goal of healing from my childhood, but it's been a very slow process. The parts of me that are afraid of facing those painful feelings that lie beneath the surface have been fighting like hell the whole time to keep me stuck in the dissociative lifestyle I lived my whole life before I became aware. But I really do think I'll get there one day. Thank you, Daniel.
One thing to keep in mind if you aren’t already is that these parts that compel you to dissociate aren’t there to hurt you. They’re very fine-tuned defense mechanisms aimed towards keeping that pain trapped in its cage so you can function in the world. In short, these habits are ultimately trying to help you.
Well if it means anything, I've been enjoying your comments. I'm likely a benefactor of your progress. Also, I relate to you that it can feel like a slog. This time of year can reveal both the progress we've made and the challenges that remain. I like to journal the stuff that comes up vs. in the past I would just try to forget it and keep it movin, which turned out to be unsustainable for me.
YOU WILL!!!!!!! P.s. becoming more social isn't all it's cracked up to be, in my opinion. For me, I let the outside world spin on and on out of control and work on the inner space at home. I have to make sure my daughter knows how to react to her emotions and mind. It's tricky. No Mom or Dad can ever know of the lessons they teach sink in.
A sad fact is that when cracks in the dissociation appear, the vast majority of people encourage further dissociation through various means. Sometimes it's about forgiveness, sometimes it's by encouraging positive things, sometimes it's just by distancing. My father literally told me I was selfish for ever feeling bad, simply because it made him feel bad. I still anticipate the moment I show any "negative" feelings people will either punish me or suddenly dissapear. I've also lacked the discernment in being able to feel out the people who are able to help. When I've tried therapy it's universally made things worse. The best help I ever got was in a voice intensive, a part of acting studies. Everyone was encouraged equally, without judgment, to explore full embodiment of emotion in a way that also encouraged others further in their journey. Also found some great experiences with insight dialogue meditation, which similarly encouraged mutual presence and visibility. But it's still hit and miss. Honestly I find getting to grieving still very hard when a part of me still anticipates pain or rejection.
Thank you for sharing this. ❤ One of the hardest things for me has been in intense throws of grieving and releasing nearly 40 years of trauma which I found to be incredibly brave that so many who were supposed to be closest to me themselves, abandoning and rejecting me when faced with distressing or “negative” feelings. We live in societies with so much distress intolerance it’s just futile or seeing that way. I know it’s not though, but when processing intense pain and then being abandoned for it when you’re already so vulnerable is a calling card not to for many and one I’ve always fought against. Being in the UK with its Keep Calm and Carry on culture sucks balls when you’re already emotionally highly sensitive and passionate and open, let alone dealing in distress that most others want you to put in a box.
It is a lot of gaslighting. It probably doesn't help that the richest most powerful people are sociopaths so incredibly rich in buried pain and shame and what not. Masters of bottling it up, to use as a weapon maybe? But no, they wouldn't be pleased if we all suddenly up and healing our buried emotions, would they? People understand that exactly the way a traumatized child knows not to trigger their abusive parents. Reflexively.
I think the pushing down the feelings feels like life or death. Allowing the painful feelings up feels like it's going to cause death. Just like the baby that's neglected thinks they are going to die because their parents aren't there to protect them.
I think some folks take an antagonistic relationship with mortality, and I don't blame them. We're all going to die. I think it's natural that some people seem to want to pick the way they go, and still more natural that some percentage of those people would elect to do so with a vice that they enjoy. For an alcoholic, dying of cirrhosis is their way of saying "screw you" to all the other ways of dying, and they spend their whole lives resolving themselves for that mode of death. To them, the sad, withering expected death is preferable to the unknown. A certain percentage (not all) of the people you describe as not "wanting to suffer" are actually terminally ill and its unkind to expect them to dredge everything up while they are in the process of dying on their own terms. When you invoke the thousand mile journey, just remember that not all people are even remotely capable of walking 10 miles, let alone 1. If these people "refuse" to heal themselves, it's not necessarily a sign of dejection, petulance, contumaciousness, spite or pessimism.
Maybe if these people had a trusted guide, mentor, informed companion, therapist, maybe they could be encouraged enough to try one small guided step at a time. Inside, deep down inside, they WANT it. They want someone to rescue them in their deepest recesses. That us how I lived until I was rescued.
You just described my mother perfectly...and then at about halfway through I realized you're also describing me. I'm scared of success because I don't know what it will bring up inside of me.
@@newlin83 are you referring to "arrested development"? Because that can be overcame, I'm adamantly working on it myself, have been for years, without family or support.
That's quite accurate. I like the comparison with the bathtub. It's funny, in a way. What really stood out to me is the connection between physical and mental health. Once one becomes the type of person to look at their own body and care for it, they also have to become the type of person to look at their own psyche and care for it. It goes hand in hand. Thank you for the video!
Make a start on attacking the immediate physical issue (e.g. weight, taking meds, etc.) and don't stop until it's solved. You will experience the grief along the way, and as long as you don't relapse you will soon be free.
for me historically this manifested (and still so but not as much) in the fear of taking yourself seriously. So exactly the same as you have described Daniel, if i were to take myself seriously that would mean that i am important, therefore i'll have to deal and respond to how i was treated (mainly by my parents). For me to take myself seriously was so different and alien to my whole being that it was intimidating. so the natural response was to keep dissociate and even stronger when needed. to actually care about myself was equivalent to be aware of my abuse eventually and stand up for myself which was almost an emotional death sentence. Today i still struggle but now i know these are remnants of yet to be grieved trauma and the lack of self love and care that comes after it. to continue your analogy, sometimes when pulling things out of the drain, other than keep on pulling out since you can't back out, sometimes there is almost pure amazement at the things that get out. Like sure, it could be nasty and vile, but also awe inspiring or really intriguing. like how did that get in there? or how this transformed to what i see now?
Very insightful and true! Yes!!! To step out of the darkness of lies and trauma into TRUTH is frightening, especially when you don't know whether there will be any true love or forgiveness and restoration in that place of 'nakedness', beyond the fake, the make-believe and massive denial!.....but there is....💛 TRUTH is a person, it is the Logos out of which we've all come. He Himself calls us to Himself and is the Way, walking with us each step to fullness of LIFE IN Him💛
My brother struggles with this. I believe that alot of this holds true, but I also know how scared some people including my brother are of coming to the realization via getting help or being healthier that they have done damage to their body and that scares them.
My narcissistic family would always give me the wrong advice ...when I finally found out they were toxic ,, I stoped taking their advice ... But today,, ( my only surviving narc brother ) once in awhile ,, would give me healthy advice ... their's a part of me that just refuses to do it ... because of all the past abuse and gaslighting .. I never really learned to love myself ... I need to get through this and change my lifestyle ... where do I go from here ? Thank You
I found the descriptions very apt. Yes, the hard work to push down feelings is not a light one. It is fought using "concrete and barbed wires." Right. It does take a lot to bury feelings. Why? Because, in my opinion, feelings naturally want to well up, particularly when it involves trauma. We can manage and process our emotions, which is essential for wellness, only when they come up. Stopping our feelings from coming up is akin to stopping our food from getting to the digestive tract. It's no wonder that this kind of living leads to diseases and ultimately premature death. I've noticed these disassociations manifest into "odd" interpersonal behavior. They can manifest into small things like abrupt changes in topics during one-on-one conversations, habitual ignored calls or messages without a good reason, and other "mishaps" that disconnect them from others. I used to think these were signs that they were being rude or not caring, but I now see this as disassociation, caused by their incessant need to push down feelings. It's actually sad if you think about it. Getting help can feel so disruptive to their "system" that they typically give up after a while. I have experienced this with my parents, siblings, and friends. What can be irritating is getting described as betraying the family or friendship when you try to point these things out, which I have also experienced plenty of.
this is true for me. Lately I've struggled with feeling anything, I feel empty, and I've lost interest in life, so now I'm wondering if I'm disassociating. I think the only way to heal traumas is to surround myself with healthy people that love and care for me, but it's so hard to find that in a world where it's uncommon for people to be unhealthy and unloving.
@@sophiamarquis I don't think Dan would agree with that prescription. I think he recommends building that island of independence and safety for those supressed emotions to come out, and then once you start to heal you begin to attract better people.
I´m overweight. I´ve tried to lose weight many times but without success. I am neglecting myself because I was neglected as many of us in childhood. I am trying hard, yet I keep making the same mistakes. Hopefully, I will try to resolve it at some point.
Over the course of my life, I've been taking care of myself and destroying myself at the same time. Spent much of my life working at hard physical labor, had a rough exercise regimen involving distance running, weight training and calisthenics. Had hard corps addictions to methamphetamine, cocaine, alcohol and nicotine. Been blocked up and locked up. I've been through 5 cancers, and three major adult surgeries. I stopped the drug use 24 years ago, except the nicotine, which I stopped four years ago. I have seven natural teeth left. I have a slipped disc and walk a couple of miles or more every day. I'm hurting all the time. I'm 72.
I’ve known a few people like this. I think a pathology is one of many possible reasons for such inexplicable behavior. But I’ve noticed that it’s always deeply entrenched, gets worse with age, and often happens to women. It’s so sad, like a slow form of suicide. But as you know, the only person who can change such behavior is the one person who won’t- themselves. I also now believe in the psychological aspect of the “death instinct”, Thanatos. It’s the polar opposite instinct of Eros, or life force. For some people, the pull of their Thanatic death drive overpowers their will to live. So they stop taking care of their health.
@@saraH-yu1mx yes, this is so prevalent and heartbreaking. The ironic thing is that the whole emotional dynamic harms men as well. Patriarchy has resulted in too many emotionally immature men. Not be bashing on men- women bear the toll in many cases, but the end results are tragic for *everyone*
Jung told the story of dealing with the buried and unconscious side of one of his patients and the images that started to come up alarmed him, and he made the choice, he said, to leave the rather brittle ego in charge of the person rather than to attempt what seemed to be something overwhelming from the suppressed horrors in his psyche. I wonder how often this might have to be the best a therapist can dare to offer?
One of your best videos in my opinion. I'd love to hear you talk more on enduring the pain that can come up when dealing with trauma. If it didn't hurt so much, we'd all be healed, I think.
I think it's very hard for most people to admit that they are already deeply suffering, even in their dissociation. The disconnection itself is painful, torture even. The moment you decide to heal is ironically the moment when suffering has hit it's peak. The typical perspective is that it will *get worse.*. Not true!!! Even in this video you're acting like taking steps toward validating the emotions is going to make a person feel worse for a while. That is not my experience, but I do relate to the fear of it. The fear of what could be down in the drain is what stops us from going there. There's not actually anything that bad in the drain! If you clear it periodically you find that it's *just hair* and it's no big deal. The avoidance itself is what feeds the fesr that we cannot cope or that it is unmanageable. Realistically, trying to avoid it is what makes our lives unmanageable LOL. I have found that by going into the feelings it is much LESS difficult than I had imagined. There is suffering yes, but it's actually the pain from all the years of DISCONNECTION that is being felt. It's a pain that feels good somehow. I just wanted to add that perspective to encourage people.
That's a good point about suffering. It has no good connotation. We don't know, culturally, about meaningful suffering, and that it can be the doorway to our liberation ✨️
Meaningful suffering would be something that ultimately is resolved and brings in something new and better. Our culture does not teach us how to create something good out of suffering.
Very interesting. I think also many people use exercise, diet and other healthy lifestyle choices as a distraction from the voice of their dissociated pain and trauma echoing through their psyches.
i had a conversation once with a shiatsu and acupuncture therapist i go to about athletes. she told me that athletes are not necessarily in the healthiest state in terms of internal health and balance. now after your comment it clicked that probably a lot of athletes and people who take exercise "too seriously" are probably doing it from the wrong motivation like distraction as a form of dissociation or achieve something to feel worthy from the historical lack. same applies to various diets and "healthy lifestyles". So in terms of bodily health and balance, they are off and they don't nurture an internal connection to their inner core. otherwise they could have listened better what their body needs and choose the healthiest lifestyle that actually helps them in a balanced way.
@@RKTGX95 yes, exactly. I keep seeing people try this and that with their diet, try this or that new exercise regime. But they are never satisfied/happy. I feel what they need to to is face the traumas I know or sense they have experienced but never refer to. The exercise or diet is like a sticking plaster to a gaping wound, but they don’t want to acknowledge the wound. They seem to hope the healthy lifestyle will fix a malaise they feel that is actually a wound. It’s not just that they are afraid of the pain they’re hiding from. I feel they believe that it’s like a monster under the bed. If you let it grab your ankle you’ll be pulled under, never to return. They don’t believe in healing.
@@RKTGX95 many professional athletes are antisocial to a large extent, focusing only on sports and to achieve athletic success to the detriment of mental health and social relationships as well as familial.
I am a bit like this, I don't "refuse" to take care of my health (I lost 100 pounds over about 2 years) but I still have a lot of weight to lose. I've been stuck at the same weight for a few months now and it's hard to stay completely "sober" from carbs and other fattening foods because I feel so rageful and have so much anxiety when I am. Part of it is definitely physical (most people get a little bit angry if they don't eat for a long time) but in a lot of ways I don't like the person I become when I am healthy even though there are many benefits.
I think some of the best therapists are those who you can walk by their office and hear raw emotions including grief from their closed door sessions. I've seen other therapists roll their eyes when they hear "all this commotion" and feel that aspect of therapy is un-necessary. Those would include the cognitive-behavioral therapists. Any insight-oriented therapy yields more real and enduring change, imo.
Paradoxical but I believe it's the fear of death. Good self care is a learned habit , a routine. TCB is not for the faint-of- heart. Bold approach to a very sensitive, perhaps even taboo subject. Thankyou for your observations
I read about a "disorder" (doesnt identify with the disorder class) that goes by Alexithymia. Long story short, emotionally blind. I highly relate to this as i am "diagnosed" with BPD, ODD (oppositional defiant disorder), depression /anxiety, PTSD, and how could i forget the amazing adhd ❤
Oof. This hits in the gut. I am/was a pro at the escapes. I've managed to stop a couple of them and have been wresting so much with food...junk in particular of course. And now I'm at the point that I can't digest much because my digestion is a mess. So I've been pretty much forced into working on the nutrition end of things for that reason. I think that's good in a way. Not all the stuff that brought it to this point, but because now the pain is too great to ignore it. So I'm down to just a few foods right now. Well, at least it makes things simple. I was thinking about all that too, because there certainly were signs of problems from certain things I was eating before it got this bad. And although I do think it was/is a form of escape, shoving it down to avoid particular emotions, I also think it's a self-worth thing...at least for me. I was so indoctrinated by the way I was treated to believe and actually feel like I'm just a pile of shit not worthy of good things, including good health, so why not just continue the damage they started. And even being intellectually aware of that, I still gave into cravings, so that's where it circles back to shoving those feelings down. I have a lot of other stress in my life as well. I think I'm a perfect case of 'failure to thrive'. I feel pretty pathetic actually, being in my 50s now. Well, I have no choice now. I have little tolerance to physical pain, so I've changed my eating habits, at least to start. Maybe I'll start to feel worthy as my body detoxes of all the sugar and other preservatives I've been consuming. One other thing: I absolutely LOVE the drain analogy! I'm going to refer back to it in my mind and use it for my benefit.
I can relate. "Continue the damage they started" for me sometimes it even feels like I'm letting them off the hook if I break the cycle. Like you, I'm working on it. Junk food has always been the drug of choice for me and my family for eating our feelings. If I don't change soon I will also be in physical pain, so thank you for the reality check. It's great that you're on this channel and being vulnerable. I believe in you.
Yep, totally agree Daniel. You got it. Something so ‘simple’ is rarely easy or even wanted. The pain ‘feels’ better, in so many ways. I defn have experience with this.
People don't change things that allow them sort of comfort - they don't want to feel pain. All the things people "should" quit are things that feel good in the now - sugar, smoking, analgesics, etc give them the relief in the short-term. And turning things into grieving feels awful. Grieving losses is a process one must work through to release oneself into a new life AND what is more important is focusing on the positives and potential opportunities that live beyond the grief and start taking place as soon as one starts to heal. We all need some kind of comfort when dealing with trauma healing - we need understand that 2 steps forward and 1 back is STILL progress - the point is not NEVER to fail - but to keep going after one falls.
Its crazy when/if you get out of self-destructive patterns (repressing feelings usually) and you realize no one's really happy I'm in pain, like no one's benefitting from me doing this. Yes, there are those who gaslight and enable but essentially you are a much better person and serve others better when you release that buried stuff and even those who enabled you to stay repressed end up benefitting from your well-being. They just hadn't realized how much they would when they tried to keep you stuck. I think what I saw is one person's isolated suffering actually does harm 'everyone' in a certain vague sense, and conversely healing and bringing stuff to the surface and finding true peace and well-being deep within does heal and benefit Everyone. We just don't think that way, but its the truth.
When I was a child my mother always threatened me to do not take any care of me if I dare to fall ill. I did my best to do not get a slightest cold. Now I I’m 65, 135 kg and I still can’t go to see any doctor.
I grew up with my narc mother and grandmother and seen this play out with both of them (I’m 37, mother is 69 and grandmother died in a nursing home at 79? back in 2010). Thanks for this video, I couldn’t understand since childhood why they’d never try to be healthy.
Incredible… Reminds me of my Mum… She let herself go throughout the years, letting herself gain weight even though it was clearly putting strain on her knees and made it harder for her to walk normal distances.. Definitely far from obese, but overweight enough to put a strain on various parts of her body… Then letting it become a way to make me feel guilty.. I don’t do enough for her.. I am not enough.. I’m selfish.. Etc… Mum is the queen of not wanting to face her deep traumas..
I've come to know, first hand, what dissociation is and where in my life it arises. To be in a state NOT dissociated has sometimes brought up a sense of the next step being annihilism. I've been shocked about that. It makes no sense, as in "no, I'm safe, I'm not facing my own death, right now", but that spectre of maybe becoming nothing has made perfect sense as a defensive move. Wow. My poor little girl! We are healing. Like you said, coming to that nasty, putrid hair blob was so scary that I froze. What a relief to get past that! My heart breaks for people who can't get there, but I also can respect their choice in the matter. Unfathomable chasms of pain? Run!!
i have never heard someone describe the way ive been living so accurately in a video. ive been extremely overweight pretty much from early childhood to my early 20's, always felt like once i started working out i had so much other shit to take care of my in my life that losing weight would just be one step of my much harder steps to climb and i didnt even know what it was but i knew it was gonna be difficult, fast forward a few years i lose 70kgs, and i get this constant feeling of anxiety and depression and all these conflicting new opinions about mysenf and people that ive known for a long time it can be quite overwhelming
Taking care of a person who has given up on saving himself is one of the hardest jobs. 24 hours a day, seven days a week, year in and year out, while they very, very slowly destroy themselves. You can’t change their mind. You can’t fix it. You work hard and know you are having zero impact, no matter what you do. It’s like they’re already dead.
We also don't have any good answers for people who want to change. A diet program won't work on top of pain. The behavior they choose for coping requires a replacement in order to successfully navigate through this terrain. Also- speaking personally- you might not be appreciating how much work we are actually doing when you see us part way there. We might get out from under right when our health gives out. That's what happened to me. I have moved mountains over the last 30 years. But i have stage 4 cancer. I'm ok with that. Because I'm free now. Who knows. Maybe that's just my road.
I had to hit my rock bottom in order to realize I need to change some habits. Im feeling like I’m getting better once I dropped the alcohol and weed. Even had to get a rid of cigs which I rarely smoke ever…im 38 years old so this stuff is ruining my gut!
You are chosing the most interesting and unique topics. I am very quickly becoming a fan of hearing what you have to say about this or that... Deep dives here in an Andy Rooney or Sunday Morning style. My reactions are huh, nausea, hmmm this is a lot to ponder, I need to pause here, ok back again...deep breath, tight neck...lol what's in the fridge...I should check my tub drain again
Great video Daniel, very thought-provoking. I think one point to also consider is personal responsibility. Taking steps to heal and change, and taking responsibility for your own health can't be done while being a victim.. I think many would rather die a victim than to own up to their part in their own poor health.
Or is it their part in something outside of themselves they've come to feel complict in doing? Ever notice how some people get almost bribed or intimidated to go along with policies that will hurt others? Our psyches notice and remember, our conscience is very very real. And that shame is intentional placed on people in order to paralyze them by the criminal profiteers in question. Our reality is a pyramid scheme.
I love this. You never know how deep the obligation will be when youve never stuck your toes into that part of the abyss. And past time you tried, you almost got sucked in forever. How can we explore, knowing those could be real fears or just shadows of ghosts, when knowledge of the benefits is too abstract and far away?
Oh, I know it consciously. And it scares me. I've had a growth on my tongue for a year before I got it looked at. This is my video. My mother loved me with conditions and I subconsciously always knew, as far back as I can remember.
I had 3 teeth decayed in 93 in such scenario. I thought they owe me change in their behavior, accepting me as a free person. It was futile because (now I know) they were narcissists with their ever right attitude. And their child was only elongated part of them. Along the years nothing really changed. And now after their death, I still cannot be as helping towards myself as I should be. Still not being on my side and taking my health as a bargaining chip. Still angry at them and unforgiving.
yes i have seen some of what you are talking about, whether living in denial, unable to see onself clearly or even recognise suppressed emotions, to receiving the wake up calls but choosing the known vs the unknown and uncertain and emotionally unstable that can be so terrifying. it is not easy to say, ok i will take that step even if it lands me in turbulent emotional breakdowns for months, sometimes people do not have the support to take that step easily. saying all that i am one of these that have made that step forward for quite few years and dived quite deeply throughout these years and i can still tell you that i still struggle with a lot of these 'self care' practices. failing to do so i am sure you are aware is a trauma symptom. Gabor Mate speaks about some of that. and inability to self care may point to developmental trauma or severe emotional neglect etc. the decision to go towards feeling and processing in itself is only the first step of many and the road can be a long one. just wanted to share that. having self compassion and compassion for others is key. agree with @Starosa below that allowance for the individual is needed.
@Sophia i am sorry you are going through such challenging times and that appropriate care isnt available. Most of the care i have found has been online through various influencers, teachers, such as Daniel, but a lot of processes and practices have been helpful too. I wish you find the support you need. some of what has helped me most (to make sense of what i was / am going through) are people like Daniel Mackler, Teal Swan, and a very gentle one if that may feel better - The Artist Way by Julia Cameron. There are facebook groups where people support each other. wishing you all the best. when i am facing really emotional times, i honestly allow myself to lower what i can do for myself without self judgement, i am doing my best already. i believe the same to be true for you. you are doing your best, i wish that you know that.
This begs the question though, as someone who sees themselves as a near perfect parallel to the type of individual you described in your video; how does one with a sensitivity to pain and who has a overwhelming heap of it buried down begin to grieve? As you mentioned, some of those who try methods like talking or journaling and find what they face to be too much and can’t continue the exercise. As someone who relates to this experience; How can I learn to grieve when the methods presented to me are to difficult and painful for me and how i function right now?
Well, I don't think it's always that clear. I have been overweight to obese most of my life (now 33), and am aware of most if not all of my traumas. Still keep the weight on, because so far, nobody has proven to me that I am wrong in feeling safer being overweight. I live alone and have no support really which means I have to work. So far, went through sexual harassment 3 times at work- while being obese even (my point being if I had weighed 120lbs instead of 180lbs I would've seemed like an even easier target), I went through sexual assault from a relative when I was 19,also being objectified by relatives as an adult. Grew up in family of narcissists and alcoholics and yes, mostly I never felt truly loved by anyone. I got slim briefly in my mid 20s hoping that would get me love friends and acceptance-instead it got me objectification, random hate from guys and women, and generally feeling more unsafe and ostracized than ever. So honestly, I'd rather stay fat (I don't eat junk all the time, still take care of myself-cook and exercise semi-regularly) and keep as much freedom as possible, rather than be slim and be afraid to leave my home.
it sounds like it isnt threatening your health which is good and which kind of takes it outside of the things daniel is discussing. and i totally get and agree that society plays a role as well.
Seems like you know what is best for you and not everyone is meant to be a small/medium size or low weight. I feel like there's a lot of fat phobia in the world and there's a bit on this channel, too. It's so easy for people to judge higher weight individuals when they've never struggled with being higher weight themselves.
This is my state right now, making positive changes feels very wrong and I don't deserve it. I explained to people around me (who asked) about the incident that changed me, and I said it's okay I understood the situation and it's behind me. But in reality, it's really hard and I can't really pinpoint the anger. It's like you understood something and now because you feel like you understand the problem, the anger have no way to go and bites back at you internally.
Good thoughts here. When did browbeating ever work to promote change? I’m doing more things that are healthy (yoga, meditation, nature hikes, mindful eating) and yet there is more I can do. Vitamin supplements, perhaps. Am exploring what I might need. Thank you for this video.
Can one live in dissociated state without being really dysfunctional outwardly, at least not on the surface?! I have ben suspecting this and that it is me, because I haven't been able to defend myself with that healthy anger.
Hi! I have an essay I wrote almost 20 years ago on this very subject... wildtruth.net/dissociation-mimics-enlightenment/ I also talk a lot about dissociation in various videos of mine on healing from trauma. I think some of those videos are in this playlist: czcams.com/video/c95sfyv-M8M/video.html All the best, Daniel
This was me overall. Things were happening to me and I survived, then more and more would happen and it was accumulating, each time I would think I don't want it anymore but still continue, I was hoping it would be the final thing to get me to the edge of ending it. Like I'd get to a point where it truly was rock bottom enough to have no reason to exist to justify that "ending". Sometimes I'd let bad things happen to me to help push me over that edge. I don't know why but I'm still here.
I think a lot of this has to do with self-loathing. If you hate yourself, you feel undeserving of happiness and good health. It can be a slow form of suicide.
Can confirm
Sounds about right
I believe this is what's happening with my aunt: self loathe so she doesn't go to the doctor, she even says death would be a gift. My mother lacks self love but doesn't loathe herself (at least not to her sister extent) and has a hard time going to the doctor too but makes an effort sometimes. Self love is SO important.
I recently met a psychologist and asked him the reason people committed suicide. He said it was rage turned inward. Rage probably does explain the slow suicide of self-neglect.
Yup
You might be retired, but you are still a therapist. This spoke directly to my soul.
Thanks Amanda.
Exactly what I'm observing in my terminally ill, elderly mother. Emotionally completely shut down, unable to name a single emotion, unable to laugh, unable to cry, unable to talk about anything deeper than the weather. And continuing on a lifestyle that keeps killing her even faster. I'm really sad. All I can do is to be there for her, love her, but I can't change her or her choices.
I think once people get to this point in their lives where it's almost over, there's no benefit in going through all that internal pain because there's no life left to live. It's like they've done triage on themselves and have determined it's not worth the effort. Sorry you have to go through this.
Maybe she's accepted death. Also, a lot of people feel that if they're going to die, they'll do it on their own terms and enjoy it.
It's rough to watch.
She would have had years to seek help therapy but didn't. She chose not to.
I have avoidant personality disorder. So my 'bad habit' is avoidance of social interaction. It protects me in the moment, but destroys me over time. I avoid the possibility of getting hurt by others. While I know that this behavior is killing me, I don't know jow to stop it. The more I put myself out there and challenge myself, the bigger is the backlash, the more I avoid it afterwards. It's like a circle of retraumatization. Again and again... it's so exhausting over time.
Sorry, there's nothing positive in my comment.
I was just thinking about this the other day. You're not alone. I have a similar thing from being traumatized by relationships. Good job noticing the pattern.
For me, at one point I hadn't laughed or smiled for months at a time, I could barely make eye contact. It affected my facial muscles to the point I could barely smile. To this day I have many lingering symptoms. My college days were very lonely and depressing.
My solution was to spend my energy searching for truth and finding authenticity in myself and the world. I tried a sort of personality reset by talking as little as possible and listening much more with focus. That enabled me to learn from people and avoid toxic mannerisms.
Mindfulness is key - knowledge, awareness, consciousness. Once I became aware of the nature of my family's mental health issues and abuse, improvements came much faster. It felt like the more I learned the better, and I was extremely hungry to learn because I was desperate to get out of the swamp of my family and I's sickness. It was extremely difficult to navigate, but the veil had broken. I was disoriented and in pain, but I fought hard to ground myself with the information and experience I had at my disposal.
What Daniel is saying is 100% true. These hurt, dissociated abusers would rather die sick and naive than go through the pain and challenge of acceptance and healing. It's incredible how going through something like this can impact one's perspective on life itself. All of that insight can be a great gift, but it's also alienating especially if you aren't careful. The enablers, abusers, and deniers (most people), simply do not get it. The insulation of their world requires vast ignorance about life and humanity and of their own nature. That seems to be the more default human experience unfortunately. Wouldn't it be great to change that.
Best of luck to you on your path.
Man, I relate, agoraphobia is a bitch
Yep I’m the same!!!
@@BBWahoo what he’s talking is NOT agoraphobia….that’s a Fear of places and situations that might cause panic, helplessness, or embarrassment…..this is A LOT different….it’s not a fear of leaving the house…..or having a panic attack in public or embarrassment etc.
We’re talking about the fear of GETTING INVOLVED with anyone in any fashion or interaction…..
Sooooo.
Maybe start with small steps instead of trying to do huge leaps all at once?
I think some of them knowingly are committing a slow-motion suicide. So sad. You are right on. They are choosing not to deal with any more suffering. No one else can make that choice and, at times, I don’t blame them!
When I stopped drinking, I immediately after couldn't handle most of my friends! I also changed my diet and I got so many discouraging comments and people who didn't believe I had food intolerances. Also, you have to deal with holidays and gatherings where you eat differently than everybody and you have to bring food every time. Not to mention going against your family food traditions and staying sober when everyone's tipsy.
I removed so many people from my life and I became lonely in my spiritual and healing journey. But tbh...I was always lonely together with all those people.
The road to awakening your body and awareness is often a lonely one, but the worst suffering is to lose your self.
My life isn't perfect, and I still have addictions but now I kinda know how to deal with emotions and shadows...and that's TOTALLY worth all the work.
The more I integrate, the more happiness and love I have access to.
And that's from somebody who didn't even know what love was anymore.
Hey. Some things you are telling are reminding me what I've been through, some not so much.
I became addicted to alcohol in my very early teen years if not in childhood. I tried to find some temporary escape from dealing with parental abuse and with the school system I couldn't tolerate (also with abuse at scool both from peers and teachers/administration: nobody likes when one openly expresses his/her anti-autoritarian views and "misbehaves" not following the herd) this way.
When I was around 18, I suddenly stopped drinking. It was an insight that I got - "I don't need it".
Refusing to drink when others do never was a problem for me, even when I dealt with alcoholics.
Same with refusing to eat certain food because of intolerancies and/or for ethical reasons.
I guess that's because back then I had a lot of energy, I was intelligent, quick-minded, charismatic. So I just blew people's minds off. Sometimes I was succesful in persuading them in changing their lifestyle (including diet), their ways of thinking / percieving the world and themselves.
Now I'm numbed out comparing to my past self. I used to be very empathic and emotionally sensitive - and that led me to my current situation: I tried to help a lot of people with serious psychological issues. I'm numb partially because of this: I burned out.
I'm also numbed out because of what's going on in my life.
There are horrible things that can happen to everyone and which most people refuse to recognise; to admit that that could be truth.
I'm drinking again.
Daniel speaks nothing about g a n g stalking, p s y ter ror.
These things make it much harder for you to integrate, to find love and happienes.
There's no love and happieness in your life if you are targeted.
@heir of the spirit thanks for sharing.
I burned out too big time. My addictions.changed, but still were devilitating (conquering them step by step.now. youtube however, is one;)
About psychic attacks if that's what you mean.
I.do.believe in such, truly.
In my humble opinion however, both people and spirits we attract are to.somewhat degree a mirror. All the darkness we see or perceive is part of us, because we are one unified field. It's supported by quantum physics and not just a woo woo.concept.
It was at least helpful for me to see it this way, bc then I stopped perceiving myself as a victim. I was a "victim" and in that mentality for many many years, and it got too painful . When seeing how everything mirror me, and also mirroring my past,.my family and my parents I saw it wasn't my fault. It's the programming from childhood that becomes a template for our life, unless we go back to the shadow/pain and heal. Feel it to heal it.
That's what I did, so I know it's true for me , but I respect anyone who does not believe so
This is my experience, thats all
@@empowerment.artist well, the victim role never was smth attractive for me. And I got rid of self-pity many years ago. I almost healed my childhood and adulthood traumas. But then _this_ had started (or maybe continued, only it became obvious (they do iy demonstratively when you are in an "open phase") and more extreme).
@@empowerment.artist let's assume you're right and we are "one unified field". Doesn't that mean there's very little one can do at the point we are at?
I really believed that I could make a difference and change smth for the better... And probably it's the reason behind them making me a target.
I believe part of it is that "comfortable misery" is less scary than the overwhelming and life-threatening distress that comes with letting buried feelings come up. Whether or not the mortal danger is real is debatable, but I suspect it probably was real once upon a time. It took me a long time to figure out how to descend into that core of mortal dread and now that I know the way to get there, I'm even more terrified. It's no joke. No wonder people, including myself, would rather have destructive habits than to try to get healthy. The path to health is heroic by nature.
It's actually very difficult to become healthy in a sick society and survive. If you know what I mean.
My mother had a mental breakdown in her late 40s. The advice she got in hospital was that she was a very sensitive person and most people weren’t that sensitive. She took that and ran with it. It meant she didn’t have to deal with it but leave her emotional issues buried in her past. The hard part for me is she’s also in denial about how her trauma affected us as children. She was just constantly stressed and never had time for relaxing. I don’t remember any spontaneous laughter or relaxed conversations or music. It was just work work and lots of tension & stress. Yet she seems to have no clue how it may have impacted everyone else. My father was just as bad and we do talk about him, but we never talk about her role.
This is very true. I am psychotic and alcoholic, suffer from two other addictions and it's like every time I do try to be healthier my anxiety becomes so unbearable I get on edge to being hospitalised again and I never want to get to that point again. It feels like healing is impossible, that any attempt is meant to fail. It's basically despair, and helplessness.
Wishing you well, and the strength to witness your pain with as much peace and self love as possible.
I have hope for you.
I have hope for you! Know someone who struggled for years with psychosis and it took a long time for them to just let in any kind of trust and love to start building something for themselves. And so so many people out there know to add abuse onto those who truly suffer. It's not strange at all that it's hard to find solid ground to heal from. You have so much courage for being open like this.
I have a lot of respect for you and you will inspire others
Incredible awareness tells me there is great hope for you! Wishing you strength on your brave and admirable journey that many others resist. Someday you'll be able to help the others when they finally allow themselves, perhaps modeling after your example as the trailblazer.
A sane voice in an insane world. Found this channel in an important time of my life thank you so much.
Daniel - some of us can't find appropriate therapy for traumas which cause unhealthy addictions & ill-health. Psychologists in the UK charge £100+ which means many on low incomes are socially excluded straight away. Therapists don't usually understand trauma despite listing it as something they treat, they usually have no idea what they're doing. It's quite dangerous to see a therapist for trauma only to have another agenda imposed on you & you end up re-traumatised instead. Those who claim a specialism in trauma exploit this to charge extortion ate fees and end up socially excluding again. It's a dead-end street. I personally recommend counselling rather than therapy for trauma because they're more down-to-earth and less corrupt.
I have been an alcoholic and have since healed from that affliction, but I got glimpses into exactly what Daniel is talking about on some of my mushroom trips. Sometimes the suffering was so overwhelming, I felt like I would rather be dead that face that unfathomable clawing darkness. It really was excruciating and a few times I had to take sedatives to smooth out the hell ride. People don't realise the deep pain they carry around inside themselves.
Yeah, but you did it. Like its do-able. And once you're in it, you know.. you get through it. I think its the anticipation like going into cold water.. and just how normalized its become, "oh no, we can't look uncouth, that won't be tolerated". Like dude, you already look a mess!!
@@bandanasharma3809
Still more to face, but yeah.. I'm aware it's there.
@@carl8568 Not YOU, but like all of us, me as well. I knew when I looked a mess and how it was just easier at one point to embrace the chaos and get the help and do the work and dive deeper into it. And its fun in a way, after you begin, I think. Its pretty useless after all caring how people see you. That's the main thing though. That's what being a good person has come to mean - caring how people see you.
@@bandanasharma3809
Well no, it's not exactly useless, otherwise it wouldn't be the case. Protective mechanisms like that have their place, best if you can spot them though.
@@carl8568 You are right in a way. Peoples' negative perceptions and isolating you can have a huge impact, that type of caring is one thing. That you can survive, these types of people who refuse to change, they don't have THAT type of caring. They have the kind like if I stop getting fake validation from fake people who definitely already hate me I won't be able to show my face, because they were taught these types of things. Like Dynasty or Dallas soap opera values. But life is not like that. Once you heal, you really cross out of the fake soap opera stuff and you can still care in a practical way what people think. But not that fantasy crap that literally is useless because it isn't REAL. lol.
I used to be a drunk for 20 years. I'm not anymore. Almost 10 years away from it.
Dad died from throat cancer complications. He was homeless and lived with the tumor for a year before doing anything about it. He wound up emaciating and pouring booze into his feeding tube.
I still love and miss him and wish we could have had a better life. I forgive him.
I've been struggling to lose weigtht my whole life. Got serious two years ago about healing my inner child. I lost over 100lbs. Holidays are the worst, my child growing up is stirring up new triggers, and I've gained 10 lbs back. It feels like all is lost, there is no point, but I keep going. Each day I get up and try again. The pain... the memories.. all of it is so hard to face. Trusting anyone at all after so many turned on me at such a young age... it leaves you feeling like there is no point. When you feel worthless inside, it is hard to find the reasoning to push past the pain and keep going. I've masked for so long.. taking it off.. I keep trying, I keep reaching for it, but I need to be better for my child. It's hard to reparent yourself and your teen, but... I want better for both of us, and maybe if I get better, I can help someone else. Mental dump, this was somewhat soothing. I hope everyone can find peace with their innerself.
proud of you, people who change their emotional patterns based on the childhood trauma incurred are the ones who deserve the ticker tape parades (as all of us on this channel well know because it's an ordeal and ultra marathon in one).
Hi Daniel, you just described all this so well, it is so heart wrenching! My father died of alcoholism, and you described how he lived. He had the sweetest poetic side to him but he could also be so mean to the people he loved the most. I still miss him so and I am still working on all the anger I still have towards him. I am also alcoholic and sober for thankfully 12 years now, but still feel lows, and still go to therapy. It’s a lifelong journey as you well know. Thank you for your very insightful and empathetic analysis, you are one of those people who add value to society and I send you tons of love ❤️
I used to be a drunk for 20 years. I'm not anymore. Almost 10 years away from it.
My dad was an alcoholic as well. He was molested. His dad died when he was 8. He started smoking cigs at like 10 he told me. He lived an insane life of distress and mayhem (crime), and he always said that alcohol was WORSE for him than heroin.
I love Dad, even if he really was a dark mean motherf'r to me. I wish he was still here. I had my children well after he died.
Ma overdosed when I was 16.
I'm currently 43. Still have my own problems, but booze and drugs aren't a part of them.
Well spoken. I have formulated the same observations about my own family of origin, but using some different terminology. I later learned it's called 'the sunk cost fallacy' - basically they've put such a huge chunk of their life into their dysfunction that finally admitting to themselves that they've essentially wasted most of their lives becomes an unbearable conclusion for them to make. At some point, I believe they've subconsciously determined that the amount of suffering required to emerge on the other side is no longer worth it, so fallaciously they conclude that making the best of their situation amounts to remaining in denial. In a way it almost makes sense (it's psycho-logical), but of course not quite.
This is deep.
Or having progressed so long in a certain direction that u dont have capacity to turn back and "Begin" in a different direction (Maybe coz of time, or age, or strength etc).. Like when a parent eventually realizes how toxic they were to a child after the child is grown but at that point they dont know how to handle the grown self aware child differently.. creating awkward moments of giving love when the child is now adult and can see through the effort... After the damage was already done
If all I do in my day is torture myself to care for my health, that doesn't sound very healthy.
The same is for people who refused NOT to harm their body with some substance.
Just because they wanted to go on a trip / holiday.
Or not to feel what was going on. Pretend that it is all ok.
I noticed that all these people had some form of depression.
Life is choosing life, continuously.
And experiencing what life and nature bring us.
This was a hard video to watch, but ultimately absolutely true and a good message for me to hear. I've been doing the self-exploration path for almost 4 years now, with the goal of healing from my childhood, but it's been a very slow process. The parts of me that are afraid of facing those painful feelings that lie beneath the surface have been fighting like hell the whole time to keep me stuck in the dissociative lifestyle I lived my whole life before I became aware. But I really do think I'll get there one day. Thank you, Daniel.
The only way to the other side of it is through it.
One thing to keep in mind if you aren’t already is that these parts that compel you to dissociate aren’t there to hurt you. They’re very fine-tuned defense mechanisms aimed towards keeping that pain trapped in its cage so you can function in the world. In short, these habits are ultimately trying to help you.
Well if it means anything, I've been enjoying your comments. I'm likely a benefactor of your progress. Also, I relate to you that it can feel like a slog. This time of year can reveal both the progress we've made and the challenges that remain. I like to journal the stuff that comes up vs. in the past I would just try to forget it and keep it movin, which turned out to be unsustainable for me.
YOU WILL!!!!!!!
P.s. becoming more social isn't all it's cracked up to be, in my opinion. For me, I let the outside world spin on and on out of control and work on the inner space at home. I have to make sure my daughter knows how to react to her emotions and mind. It's tricky. No Mom or Dad can ever know of the lessons they teach sink in.
@@pod9363
Yes, well said. And I think if we are in opposition to them, with the attitude that they are "bad", the patterns are less likely to shift.
Not everyone wants to win
A sad fact is that when cracks in the dissociation appear, the vast majority of people encourage further dissociation through various means. Sometimes it's about forgiveness, sometimes it's by encouraging positive things, sometimes it's just by distancing. My father literally told me I was selfish for ever feeling bad, simply because it made him feel bad. I still anticipate the moment I show any "negative" feelings people will either punish me or suddenly dissapear. I've also lacked the discernment in being able to feel out the people who are able to help.
When I've tried therapy it's universally made things worse. The best help I ever got was in a voice intensive, a part of acting studies. Everyone was encouraged equally, without judgment, to explore full embodiment of emotion in a way that also encouraged others further in their journey. Also found some great experiences with insight dialogue meditation, which similarly encouraged mutual presence and visibility. But it's still hit and miss. Honestly I find getting to grieving still very hard when a part of me still anticipates pain or rejection.
Thank you for sharing this. ❤
One of the hardest things for me has been in intense throws of grieving and releasing nearly 40 years of trauma which I found to be incredibly brave that so many who were supposed to be closest to me themselves, abandoning and rejecting me when faced with distressing or “negative” feelings.
We live in societies with so much distress intolerance it’s just futile or seeing that way. I know it’s not though, but when processing intense pain and then being abandoned for it when you’re already so vulnerable is a calling card not to for many and one I’ve always fought against.
Being in the UK with its Keep Calm and Carry on culture sucks balls when you’re already emotionally highly sensitive and passionate and open, let alone dealing in distress that most others want you to put in a box.
It is a lot of gaslighting. It probably doesn't help that the richest most powerful people are sociopaths so incredibly rich in buried pain and shame and what not. Masters of bottling it up, to use as a weapon maybe? But no, they wouldn't be pleased if we all suddenly up and healing our buried emotions, would they? People understand that exactly the way a traumatized child knows not to trigger their abusive parents. Reflexively.
I think the pushing down the feelings feels like life or death. Allowing the painful feelings up feels like it's going to cause death. Just like the baby that's neglected thinks they are going to die because their parents aren't there to protect them.
I think some folks take an antagonistic relationship with mortality, and I don't blame them. We're all going to die. I think it's natural that some people seem to want to pick the way they go, and still more natural that some percentage of those people would elect to do so with a vice that they enjoy. For an alcoholic, dying of cirrhosis is their way of saying "screw you" to all the other ways of dying, and they spend their whole lives resolving themselves for that mode of death. To them, the sad, withering expected death is preferable to the unknown. A certain percentage (not all) of the people you describe as not "wanting to suffer" are actually terminally ill and its unkind to expect them to dredge everything up while they are in the process of dying on their own terms. When you invoke the thousand mile journey, just remember that not all people are even remotely capable of walking 10 miles, let alone 1. If these people "refuse" to heal themselves, it's not necessarily a sign of dejection, petulance, contumaciousness, spite or pessimism.
Maybe if these people had a trusted guide, mentor, informed companion, therapist, maybe they could be encouraged enough to try one small guided step at a time. Inside, deep down inside, they WANT it. They want someone to rescue them in their deepest recesses. That us how I lived until I was rescued.
You just described my mother perfectly...and then at about halfway through I realized you're also describing me. I'm scared of success because I don't know what it will bring up inside of me.
@@newlin83 are you referring to "arrested development"? Because that can be overcame, I'm adamantly working on it myself, have been for years, without family or support.
That's quite accurate. I like the comparison with the bathtub. It's funny, in a way. What really stood out to me is the connection between physical and mental health.
Once one becomes the type of person to look at their own body and care for it, they also have to become the type of person to look at their own psyche and care for it. It goes hand in hand.
Thank you for the video!
So, how does one convert trauma into grieving, practically?
Make a start on attacking the immediate physical issue (e.g. weight, taking meds, etc.) and don't stop until it's solved. You will experience the grief along the way, and as long as you don't relapse you will soon be free.
for me historically this manifested (and still so but not as much) in the fear of taking yourself seriously. So exactly the same as you have described Daniel, if i were to take myself seriously that would mean that i am important, therefore i'll have to deal and respond to how i was treated (mainly by my parents). For me to take myself seriously was so different and alien to my whole being that it was intimidating. so the natural response was to keep dissociate and even stronger when needed. to actually care about myself was equivalent to be aware of my abuse eventually and stand up for myself which was almost an emotional death sentence.
Today i still struggle but now i know these are remnants of yet to be grieved trauma and the lack of self love and care that comes after it.
to continue your analogy, sometimes when pulling things out of the drain, other than keep on pulling out since you can't back out, sometimes there is almost pure amazement at the things that get out. Like sure, it could be nasty and vile, but also awe inspiring or really intriguing. like how did that get in there? or how this transformed to what i see now?
Very insightful and true! Yes!!! To step out of the darkness of lies and trauma into TRUTH is frightening, especially when you don't know whether there will be any true love or forgiveness and restoration in that place of 'nakedness', beyond the fake, the make-believe and massive denial!.....but there is....💛 TRUTH is a person, it is the Logos out of which we've all come. He Himself calls us to Himself and is the Way, walking with us each step to fullness of LIFE IN Him💛
My brother struggles with this. I believe that alot of this holds true, but I also know how scared some people including my brother are of coming to the realization via getting help or being healthier that they have done damage to their body and that scares them.
You can't tell if these videos came out an hour ago or five years ago.
Most people would feel entirely too vulnerable and naked without their coping mechanisms :)
My narcissistic family would always give me the wrong advice ...when I finally found out they were toxic ,, I stoped taking their advice ... But today,, ( my only surviving narc brother ) once in awhile ,, would give me healthy advice ... their's a part of me that just refuses to do it ... because of all the past abuse and gaslighting .. I never really learned to love myself ... I need to get through this and change my lifestyle ... where do I go from here ? Thank You
I found the descriptions very apt. Yes, the hard work to push down feelings is not a light one. It is fought using "concrete and barbed wires." Right. It does take a lot to bury feelings. Why? Because, in my opinion, feelings naturally want to well up, particularly when it involves trauma. We can manage and process our emotions, which is essential for wellness, only when they come up. Stopping our feelings from coming up is akin to stopping our food from getting to the digestive tract. It's no wonder that this kind of living leads to diseases and ultimately premature death.
I've noticed these disassociations manifest into "odd" interpersonal behavior. They can manifest into small things like abrupt changes in topics during one-on-one conversations, habitual ignored calls or messages without a good reason, and other "mishaps" that disconnect them from others. I used to think these were signs that they were being rude or not caring, but I now see this as disassociation, caused by their incessant need to push down feelings. It's actually sad if you think about it.
Getting help can feel so disruptive to their "system" that they typically give up after a while. I have experienced this with my parents, siblings, and friends. What can be irritating is getting described as betraying the family or friendship when you try to point these things out, which I have also experienced plenty of.
this is true for me. Lately I've struggled with feeling anything, I feel empty, and I've lost interest in life, so now I'm wondering if I'm disassociating. I think the only way to heal traumas is to surround myself with healthy people that love and care for me, but it's so hard to find that in a world where it's uncommon for people to be unhealthy and unloving.
@@sophiamarquis I don't think Dan would agree with that prescription. I think he recommends building that island of independence and safety for those supressed emotions to come out, and then once you start to heal you begin to attract better people.
I´m overweight. I´ve tried to lose weight many times but without success. I am neglecting myself because I was neglected as many of us in childhood. I am trying hard, yet I keep making the same mistakes. Hopefully, I will try to resolve it at some point.
Over the course of my life, I've been taking care of myself and destroying myself at the same time. Spent much of my life working at hard physical labor, had a rough exercise regimen involving distance running, weight training and calisthenics. Had hard corps addictions to methamphetamine, cocaine, alcohol and nicotine. Been blocked up and locked up. I've been through 5 cancers, and three major adult surgeries. I stopped the drug use 24 years ago, except the nicotine, which I stopped four years ago. I have seven natural teeth left. I have a slipped disc and walk a couple of miles or more every day. I'm hurting all the time. I'm 72.
I’ve known a few people like this. I think a pathology is one of many possible reasons for such inexplicable behavior. But I’ve noticed that it’s always deeply entrenched, gets worse with age, and often happens to women.
It’s so sad, like a slow form of suicide. But as you know, the only person who can change such behavior is the one person who won’t- themselves.
I also now believe in the psychological aspect of the “death instinct”, Thanatos. It’s the polar opposite instinct of Eros, or life force. For some people, the pull of their Thanatic death drive overpowers their will to live.
So they stop taking care of their health.
@@saraH-yu1mx yes, this is so prevalent and heartbreaking. The ironic thing is that the whole emotional dynamic harms men as well. Patriarchy has resulted in too many emotionally immature men. Not be bashing on men- women bear the toll in many cases, but the end results are tragic for *everyone*
This is great art. Speaking from the heart is very special. It gives me a similar feeling to reading literature or poetry. Keep it up Daniel
most schizophrenic are traumatized to the bone
Jung told the story of dealing with the buried and unconscious side of one of his patients and the images that started to come up alarmed him, and he made the choice, he said, to leave the rather brittle ego in charge of the person rather than to attempt what seemed to be something overwhelming from the suppressed horrors in his psyche. I wonder how often this might have to be the best a therapist can dare to offer?
One of your best videos in my opinion. I'd love to hear you talk more on enduring the pain that can come up when dealing with trauma. If it didn't hurt so much, we'd all be healed, I think.
Yes, i got to that point in my life. I lost control, everything exploded. My life fell apart. And i had to learn to truly let go.
I think it's very hard for most people to admit that they are already deeply suffering, even in their dissociation. The disconnection itself is painful, torture even. The moment you decide to heal is ironically the moment when suffering has hit it's peak. The typical perspective is that it will *get worse.*. Not true!!! Even in this video you're acting like taking steps toward validating the emotions is going to make a person feel worse for a while. That is not my experience, but I do relate to the fear of it. The fear of what could be down in the drain is what stops us from going there. There's not actually anything that bad in the drain! If you clear it periodically you find that it's *just hair* and it's no big deal. The avoidance itself is what feeds the fesr that we cannot cope or that it is unmanageable. Realistically, trying to avoid it is what makes our lives unmanageable LOL. I have found that by going into the feelings it is much LESS difficult than I had imagined. There is suffering yes, but it's actually the pain from all the years of DISCONNECTION that is being felt. It's a pain that feels good somehow. I just wanted to add that perspective to encourage people.
That's a good point about suffering. It has no good connotation. We don't know, culturally, about meaningful suffering, and that it can be the doorway to our liberation ✨️
Meaningful suffering would be something that ultimately is resolved and brings in something new and better. Our culture does not teach us how to create something good out of suffering.
WOW you are amazing!!
“No experience of suffering ever leading to anything other than despair”
Couldn’t figure out how to turn it into grieving.
Never in my entire life have I felt so understood. Thank you so much for this video!
Very interesting. I think also many people use exercise, diet and other healthy lifestyle choices as a distraction from the voice of their dissociated pain and trauma echoing through their psyches.
i had a conversation once with a shiatsu and acupuncture therapist i go to about athletes. she told me that athletes are not necessarily in the healthiest state in terms of internal health and balance.
now after your comment it clicked that probably a lot of athletes and people who take exercise "too seriously" are probably doing it from the wrong motivation like distraction as a form of dissociation or achieve something to feel worthy from the historical lack. same applies to various diets and "healthy lifestyles".
So in terms of bodily health and balance, they are off and they don't nurture an internal connection to their inner core. otherwise they could have listened better what their body needs and choose the healthiest lifestyle that actually helps them in a balanced way.
@@RKTGX95 yes, exactly. I keep seeing people try this and that with their diet, try this or that new exercise regime. But they are never satisfied/happy. I feel what they need to to is face the traumas I know or sense they have experienced but never refer to. The exercise or diet is like a sticking plaster to a gaping wound, but they don’t want to acknowledge the wound. They seem to hope the healthy lifestyle will fix a malaise they feel that is actually a wound. It’s not just that they are afraid of the pain they’re hiding from. I feel they believe that it’s like a monster under the bed. If you let it grab your ankle you’ll be pulled under, never to return. They don’t believe in healing.
@@RKTGX95 many professional athletes are antisocial to a large extent, focusing only on sports and to achieve athletic success to the detriment of mental health and social relationships as well as familial.
I am a bit like this, I don't "refuse" to take care of my health (I lost 100 pounds over about 2 years) but I still have a lot of weight to lose. I've been stuck at the same weight for a few months now and it's hard to stay completely "sober" from carbs and other fattening foods because I feel so rageful and have so much anxiety when I am. Part of it is definitely physical (most people get a little bit angry if they don't eat for a long time) but in a lot of ways I don't like the person I become when I am healthy even though there are many benefits.
I think some of the best therapists are those who you can walk by their office and hear raw emotions including grief from their closed door sessions. I've seen other therapists roll their eyes when they hear "all this commotion" and feel that aspect of therapy is un-necessary. Those would include the cognitive-behavioral therapists. Any insight-oriented therapy yields more real and enduring change, imo.
The shower drain analogy was a good one. Thanks for this video, interesting topic.
Paradoxical but I believe it's the fear of death.
Good self care is a learned habit , a routine. TCB is not for the faint-of- heart.
Bold approach to a very sensitive, perhaps even taboo subject. Thankyou for your observations
I read about a "disorder" (doesnt identify with the disorder class) that goes by Alexithymia.
Long story short, emotionally blind. I highly relate to this as i am "diagnosed" with BPD, ODD (oppositional defiant disorder), depression /anxiety, PTSD, and how could i forget the amazing adhd ❤
I shared this video with my Dad, a longtime smoker! 👍
Oof. This hits in the gut. I am/was a pro at the escapes. I've managed to stop a couple of them and have been wresting so much with food...junk in particular of course. And now I'm at the point that I can't digest much because my digestion is a mess. So I've been pretty much forced into working on the nutrition end of things for that reason. I think that's good in a way. Not all the stuff that brought it to this point, but because now the pain is too great to ignore it. So I'm down to just a few foods right now. Well, at least it makes things simple.
I was thinking about all that too, because there certainly were signs of problems from certain things I was eating before it got this bad. And although I do think it was/is a form of escape, shoving it down to avoid particular emotions, I also think it's a self-worth thing...at least for me.
I was so indoctrinated by the way I was treated to believe and actually feel like I'm just a pile of shit not worthy of good things, including good health, so why not just continue the damage they started. And even being intellectually aware of that, I still gave into cravings, so that's where it circles back to shoving those feelings down.
I have a lot of other stress in my life as well. I think I'm a perfect case of 'failure to thrive'. I feel pretty pathetic actually, being in my 50s now.
Well, I have no choice now. I have little tolerance to physical pain, so I've changed my eating habits, at least to start. Maybe I'll start to feel worthy as my body detoxes of all the sugar and other preservatives I've been consuming.
One other thing: I absolutely LOVE the drain analogy! I'm going to refer back to it in my mind and use it for my benefit.
I can relate. "Continue the damage they started" for me sometimes it even feels like I'm letting them off the hook if I break the cycle. Like you, I'm working on it. Junk food has always been the drug of choice for me and my family for eating our feelings. If I don't change soon I will also be in physical pain, so thank you for the reality check. It's great that you're on this channel and being vulnerable. I believe in you.
Yep, totally agree Daniel. You got it. Something so ‘simple’ is rarely easy or even wanted. The pain ‘feels’ better, in so many ways. I defn have experience with this.
Some people just get to a point where they can't be bothered living anymore
People don't change things that allow them sort of comfort - they don't want to feel pain. All the things people "should" quit are things that feel good in the now - sugar, smoking, analgesics, etc give them the relief in the short-term. And turning things into grieving feels awful. Grieving losses is a process one must work through to release oneself into a new life AND what is more important is focusing on the positives and potential opportunities that live beyond the grief and start taking place as soon as one starts to heal. We all need some kind of comfort when dealing with trauma healing - we need understand that 2 steps forward and 1 back is STILL progress - the point is not NEVER to fail - but to keep going after one falls.
Its crazy when/if you get out of self-destructive patterns (repressing feelings usually) and you realize no one's really happy I'm in pain, like no one's benefitting from me doing this. Yes, there are those who gaslight and enable but essentially you are a much better person and serve others better when you release that buried stuff and even those who enabled you to stay repressed end up benefitting from your well-being. They just hadn't realized how much they would when they tried to keep you stuck. I think what I saw is one person's isolated suffering actually does harm 'everyone' in a certain vague sense, and conversely healing and bringing stuff to the surface and finding true peace and well-being deep within does heal and benefit Everyone. We just don't think that way, but its the truth.
When I was a child my mother always threatened me to do not take any care of me if I dare to fall ill. I did my best to do not get a slightest cold. Now I I’m 65, 135 kg and I still can’t go to see any doctor.
Wall of Denial is un-ironically one of top 3 SRV songs 😂 the guitar comes to mind even now without hearing it in a while.
I grew up with my narc mother and grandmother and seen this play out with both of them (I’m 37, mother is 69 and grandmother died in a nursing home at 79? back in 2010).
Thanks for this video, I couldn’t understand since childhood why they’d never try to be healthy.
Incredible… Reminds me of my Mum… She let herself go throughout the years, letting herself gain weight even though it was clearly putting strain on her knees and made it harder for her to walk normal distances.. Definitely far from obese, but overweight enough to put a strain on various parts of her body… Then letting it become a way to make me feel guilty.. I don’t do enough for her.. I am not enough.. I’m selfish.. Etc… Mum is the queen of not wanting to face her deep traumas..
You have to keep going
No, you don't.
I've come to know, first hand, what dissociation is and where in my life it arises. To be in a state NOT dissociated has sometimes brought up a sense of the next step being annihilism. I've been shocked about that. It makes no sense, as in "no, I'm safe, I'm not facing my own death, right now", but that spectre of maybe becoming nothing has made perfect sense as a defensive move. Wow. My poor little girl! We are healing. Like you said, coming to that nasty, putrid hair blob was so scary that I froze. What a relief to get past that! My heart breaks for people who can't get there, but I also can respect their choice in the matter. Unfathomable chasms of pain? Run!!
this is very insightful, thank you
i have never heard someone describe the way ive been living so accurately in a video. ive been extremely overweight pretty much from early childhood to my early 20's, always felt like once i started working out i had so much other shit to take care of my in my life that losing weight would just be one step of my much harder steps to climb and i didnt even know what it was but i knew it was gonna be difficult, fast forward a few years i lose 70kgs, and i get this constant feeling of anxiety and depression and all these conflicting new opinions about mysenf and people that ive known for a long time it can be quite overwhelming
Lovely analogies. Conversion, interesting.
So on point 🎯
Thank you Daniel.
Very insightful video, so happy I came across your channel
If we could all have your insights! What a wonderful world it'll be Daniel 💯
Thank you!
Death is the ultimate release from the suffering of living. It's not necessarily the bad thing that it's made out to be.
This video is truly invaluable. Great analogy.🙏🏾
It's good to look more broadly at the world and how it impacts on our lives.
Good video. This phenomenon is quite common I think. I like your bathtub metaphor 👍🏼
This is what I call the slippery slope of health. And they project that each step will be only painful - no joy. No upside.
Daniel, I love your analogies 😊
Daniel you are helping people 😊 well done!
Ain't that the god-dang truth.
Breaks my damn heart.
thank you
Taking care of a person who has given up on saving himself is one of the hardest jobs. 24 hours a day, seven days a week, year in and year out, while they very, very slowly destroy themselves. You can’t change their mind. You can’t fix it. You work hard and know you are having zero impact, no matter what you do. It’s like they’re already dead.
We also don't have any good answers for people who want to change. A diet program won't work on top of pain. The behavior they choose for coping requires a replacement in order to successfully navigate through this terrain.
Also- speaking personally- you might not be appreciating how much work we are actually doing when you see us part way there. We might get out from under right when our health gives out. That's what happened to me. I have moved mountains over the last 30 years. But i have stage 4 cancer. I'm ok with that. Because I'm free now. Who knows. Maybe that's just my road.
I had to hit my rock bottom in order to realize I need to change some habits. Im feeling like I’m getting better once I dropped the alcohol and weed. Even had to get a rid of cigs which I rarely smoke ever…im 38 years old so this stuff is ruining my gut!
You are chosing the most interesting and unique topics. I am very quickly becoming a fan of hearing what you have to say about this or that... Deep dives here in an Andy Rooney or Sunday Morning style. My reactions are huh, nausea, hmmm this is a lot to ponder, I need to pause here, ok back again...deep breath, tight neck...lol what's in the fridge...I should check my tub drain again
Great video Daniel, very thought-provoking. I think one point to also consider is personal responsibility. Taking steps to heal and change, and taking responsibility for your own health can't be done while being a victim.. I think many would rather die a victim than to own up to their part in their own poor health.
Or is it their part in something outside of themselves they've come to feel complict in doing? Ever notice how some people get almost bribed or intimidated to go along with policies that will hurt others? Our psyches notice and remember, our conscience is very very real. And that shame is intentional placed on people in order to paralyze them by the criminal profiteers in question. Our reality is a pyramid scheme.
I love this. You never know how deep the obligation will be when youve never stuck your toes into that part of the abyss. And past time you tried, you almost got sucked in forever. How can we explore, knowing those could be real fears or just shadows of ghosts, when knowledge of the benefits is too abstract and far away?
Oh, I know it consciously. And it scares me. I've had a growth on my tongue for a year before I got it looked at. This is my video. My mother loved me with conditions and I subconsciously always knew, as far back as I can remember.
I had 3 teeth decayed in 93 in such scenario.
I thought they owe me change in their behavior, accepting me as a free person.
It was futile because (now I know) they were narcissists with their ever right attitude. And their child was only elongated part of them.
Along the years nothing really changed.
And now after their death,
I still cannot be as helping towards myself as I should be. Still not being on my side and taking my health as a bargaining chip.
Still angry at them and unforgiving.
yes i have seen some of what you are talking about, whether living in denial, unable to see onself clearly or even recognise suppressed emotions, to receiving the wake up calls but choosing the known vs the unknown and uncertain and emotionally unstable that can be so terrifying. it is not easy to say, ok i will take that step even if it lands me in turbulent emotional breakdowns for months, sometimes people do not have the support to take that step easily.
saying all that i am one of these that have made that step forward for quite few years and dived quite deeply throughout these years and i can still tell you that i still struggle with a lot of these 'self care' practices. failing to do so i am sure you are aware is a trauma symptom. Gabor Mate speaks about some of that. and inability to self care may point to developmental trauma or severe emotional neglect etc. the decision to go towards feeling and processing in itself is only the first step of many and the road can be a long one. just wanted to share that. having self compassion and compassion for others is key.
agree with @Starosa below that allowance for the individual is needed.
@Sophia i am sorry you are going through such challenging times and that appropriate care isnt available. Most of the care i have found has been online through various influencers, teachers, such as Daniel, but a lot of processes and practices have been helpful too. I wish you find the support you need.
some of what has helped me most (to make sense of what i was / am going through) are people like Daniel Mackler, Teal Swan, and a very gentle one if that may feel better - The Artist Way by Julia Cameron. There are facebook groups where people support each other.
wishing you all the best.
when i am facing really emotional times, i honestly allow myself to lower what i can do for myself without self judgement, i am doing my best already. i believe the same to be true for you. you are doing your best, i wish that you know that.
This begs the question though, as someone who sees themselves as a near perfect parallel to the type of individual you described in your video; how does one with a sensitivity to pain and who has a overwhelming heap of it buried down begin to grieve?
As you mentioned, some of those who try methods like talking or journaling and find what they face to be too much and can’t continue the exercise.
As someone who relates to this experience; How can I learn to grieve when the methods presented to me are to difficult and painful for me and how i function right now?
Well, I don't think it's always that clear. I have been overweight to obese most of my life (now 33), and am aware of most if not all of my traumas. Still keep the weight on, because so far, nobody has proven to me that I am wrong in feeling safer being overweight. I live alone and have no support really which means I have to work. So far, went through sexual harassment 3 times at work- while being obese even (my point being if I had weighed 120lbs instead of 180lbs I would've seemed like an even easier target), I went through sexual assault from a relative when I was 19,also being objectified by relatives as an adult. Grew up in family of narcissists and alcoholics and yes, mostly I never felt truly loved by anyone. I got slim briefly in my mid 20s hoping that would get me love friends and acceptance-instead it got me objectification, random hate from guys and women, and generally feeling more unsafe and ostracized than ever.
So honestly, I'd rather stay fat (I don't eat junk all the time, still take care of myself-cook and exercise semi-regularly) and keep as much freedom as possible, rather than be slim and be afraid to leave my home.
*meant to say got slim briefly in my mid-teens. Piled all the weight back within 2 years, and after the assault my weight gradually went up
it sounds like it isnt threatening your health which is good and which kind of takes it outside of the things daniel is discussing. and i totally get and agree that society plays a role as well.
Seems like you know what is best for you and not everyone is meant to be a small/medium size or low weight. I feel like there's a lot of fat phobia in the world and there's a bit on this channel, too. It's so easy for people to judge higher weight individuals when they've never struggled with being higher weight themselves.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step!❤
This is my state right now, making positive changes feels very wrong and I don't deserve it.
I explained to people around me (who asked) about the incident that changed me, and I said it's okay I understood the situation and it's behind me. But in reality, it's really hard and I can't really pinpoint the anger. It's like you understood something and now because you feel like you understand the problem, the anger have no way to go and bites back at you internally.
Good thoughts here. When did browbeating ever work to promote change? I’m doing more things that are healthy (yoga, meditation, nature hikes, mindful eating) and yet there is more I can do. Vitamin supplements, perhaps. Am exploring what I might need. Thank you for this video.
I keep a pair of tweezers and forceps on my sink. To clear it our daily.
Healing is a mfer.
Can one live in dissociated state without being really dysfunctional outwardly, at least not on the surface?! I have ben suspecting this and that it is me, because I haven't been able to defend myself with that healthy anger.
Hi! I have an essay I wrote almost 20 years ago on this very subject... wildtruth.net/dissociation-mimics-enlightenment/ I also talk a lot about dissociation in various videos of mine on healing from trauma. I think some of those videos are in this playlist: czcams.com/video/c95sfyv-M8M/video.html All the best, Daniel
This was me overall. Things were happening to me and I survived, then more and more would happen and it was accumulating, each time I would think I don't want it anymore but still continue, I was hoping it would be the final thing to get me to the edge of ending it. Like I'd get to a point where it truly was rock bottom enough to have no reason to exist to justify that "ending". Sometimes I'd let bad things happen to me to help push me over that edge. I don't know why but I'm still here.